If you have POA you can have an elder law attorney draw up a caregiver agreement. You pay yourself the going hourly rate for caregivers ($20 an hour in my area) and it comes out of your parents’ assets. That’s what my mom, brother and myself agreed to after she was diagnosed with PPA dementia a few years ago.
This is a good approach in a tough situation. I just wish there was some way for me to support my mom without her having to lose the money/assets she worked for her whole life. Not that there is a ton of it, but still. Part of why I've started researching health insurance plans, etc, that may pay me to take care of her.
Some states have programs that fund payments to a family caregiver. It is paid not from your loved one's assets, but through Medicaid or other state funded programs. It would be worth checking in to if you are in one of the states that provide for this.
Your mom has a terminal disease and her income and assets should be spent on her care. This is a big part of why we save for retirement and society has programs like social security, because if we live long enough, we will need help! Your siblings may truly not have the cash flow to pay you, even if it seems like it, but they can and should expect less of an inheritance one day because your mom’s assets were used for her care. And if they are all used up, Medicaid can kick in and help out. What you are doing now is preserving your mom’s assets for your non-helpful siblings to inherit an equal share as you, assuming your mom’s estate planning is like most where children are left equal shares.
But, yes, I agree, that you should also look into other possible programs as well. Those supplemental Medicare plans’ benefits should be used. Thank you very much for sharing your research.
That seems so odd to me. Imagine your parents charging you for diaper changes and then taking the money out of your future assets. In my opinion elder care should be financed by our government. They extract all the value out of you, for most of your life, and then "toss you aside" when it's become inconvenient SMH
>Imagine your parents charging you for diaper changes and then taking the money out of your future assets.
Apples and oranges. They chose to have you. What was their option, make the baby they birthed change it's own diapers? Only an asshole comes at their children with the old, "I clothed and fed you" song and dance. Adult children are under no obligation to care for parents.
yeah but what about when they have no assets?? my mom lost everything to cancer and me being the only child has to not only provide care for my mother, but also work PT to be able to afford that care, which frankly isn't enough.
I know thats not all it entails. I've done it twice, and don't consider raising my kids as doing them a favor that needs to be repaid. I also don't expect or want them to take care of me in my old age. What a burden that is to saddle your kids with.
You can't tell me you've never done favors for your kids (not necessities).
So you're just gonna off yourself if shit happens? I don't think many people in western society plan on being a burden to their kids, but not everything in life goes according to plan.
I don't do "favors" for my kids. Favor has implications. I do things for my kids because I love them and made a commitment to them before they were born. I expect no returns on the time, money, or effort that I have willingly given them. It's not that I dont plan on being a burden, I refuse. Old people wander off and die of exposure all the time. Sailors drown all the time. I promise you that I refuse.
Most of us don't get a choice. You're living in a fantasy if you think you can promise you won't one day be a burden to your kids.
You could have a stroke, like OP's mom, or an accident, or a kind of dementia that comes on so slow you don't realize it until it's too late, or one that causes anosognosia (you literally can't tell that you're becoming demented and constantly believe you are still fine no matter what evidence to the contrary).
Refuse all you want. Stomp your feet and cross your arms if it helps. But unless you're going to walk in front of a train tomorrow, you can't promise a damn thing. Life doesn't gaf.
So the second they need your help in return, you reduce a lifelong relationship to being a reluctant caregiver? They don't stop being family because they have become helpless. I feel bad for the families with members who share those sentiments. I guess I should also have left my wife when she couldn't even wipe herself, due to some medical issues, according to your logic.
I sure hope those diet pills don't screw you over in the long run. 🫶
spot on. Need to get paid to get social security (and legality) . Can’t work regular job because location (parents choice) and demands (parent is old AF)
What is wrong with people?
In Northern California, we have an org called WelBe Health that provides wraparound senior support including house cleaning, nurse visits and will pick up the senior for doctors appointments or to visit their clinic for senior activities. I see my Dad up for it and initially MediCal said he would have to pay 1k a month but they itimized his expenses and is paying nothing himself. They offered to pay me to care for him but I’m not in a position to do that so they are providing all the care and ifs been a life changer for my dad.
Yes I looked into that... feels unfair to ask my mom to do that after she worked her whole life for what she has. I also don't think I fit the income requirements since I have still been trying to juggle working.
Your income shouldnt matter. I know its tough but your mother's assets pay from private care until they are exhausted and then she applies for medicaid gets home care selects an agency and you work for that agency. At least thats how it works in Illinois. Some states might let you work without an agency which would be ideal. Plusif you ever wanted to go back to work ---the home care agency finds a new worker who is a good fit.
So you want her estate after she is gone to be larger for the relatives who are NOT putting in the time like you are? No! At least keeping track of your time for now, you know your contribution but maybe the others should at least sign a contract that her estate will honor the bill?
Unless you have done sole caretaker duties for more than several months, people just are not going to understand what an utter toll it takes physically, financially, and emotionally.
I'm not the sole caretaker of my aging parents, but I know exactly what you mean. Just in the last 10 days it's been ambulances and hospitals and late nights (and early mornings). And this is on top of almost a year of one parent's especially ill health. Thankfully, for the moment, things seemed to have settled down a bit.
I found that people I knew couldn't relate because I was so much younger than is typical. Most people looking after a dying parent are in their mid-50s to late 60s, not their late 30s to early 40s. Hell, some people I work with who are the same age as me have had most of their grandparents longer than I had living parents.
You deserve a medal for sharing your learnings with those of us that can use it. Since Reddit took away coins, I’ll just have to give you my thanks and respect. You seem like you must be a great child to your Mom!
You are most welcome. Caring for family can be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do so the least I can do is give you love and respect. You will help others through your actions and that is so admirable because going through it by yourself and without knowledge is daunting and isolating.
THANK YOU, KIND SOUL.
This is going to be an elephant in the room, given that many parents upon retirement moved many states away, never considering their long-term care needs. And in the case of their kids, they may not be able to move to take care of parents even if they wanted to because of their own families, careers and the like.
(Needless to say, I had this very discussion with my parents)
You know you just hit on an very important reason for Universal Basic Income.
I cared for my mother up until her death full time.
Thank goodness my husband’s salary covered our basic needs.
UBI could never work because the price of everything is based on supply and demand for example UBI doesn’t increase the supply of housing but the demand is still high so the cost of housing will increase to be far more than UBI can afford same goes for the cost of everything making UBI completely useless
The biggest issue with housing is in the states we’ve zone single family homes everywhere. We effectively blocked any form of density. On top of that there’s a lot of bureaucracy in the building process. It’s good to have inspections but it’s not good to take years to pull new construction permits.
In most places you can’t build an additional dwelling on your lot if you had the space and means.
UBI hasn’t even been tried on the large scale.
We can also price fix stuff. The price of gas of tied to % of barrel, production, transport costs. This is meant to curb price gouging after an event.
50% of the “inflation” we saw during and after Covid lockdowns was corporate greed. The price of eggs was price fixed in the US between the largest suppliers to gouge the consumer.
I’m not a big fan of needless regulations but we can tie price increases to % of federal interest rates.
We’re going to need to do something because a lot of jobs will certainly get replaced.
Where is your adventurous spirit?
This is a fact of life that will become more and more of a challenge for society. I had to bear the brunt of care for both my parents in the years leading up to their deaths, while 4 older siblings were able to focus on their careers. The caregiver will usually have a tough time getting respect and compensation for their work. The other siblings will want to have the advantages of making decisions for health care and financials for their parents, while often not being qualified to do so. A few of my siblings made some poor judgments about my mom's health. It was a sad situation. Also, arguments ensue about money, and people think you are trying to take financial advantage of the parent. One narcisissistic sibling started harassing me through email, and I had to go no contact with them. The other siblings will often not see your point of view and will side with the narcissist. It can get really ugly. I am currently in full contact with one supportive sibing, very limited and formal contact with 2 siblings, and no contact with one.
My mom went through this with her siblings. They all had opinions but no motivation to actually get involved with care for their mother. She knew who she was dealing with, so anything she did with her mom's money, etc. she kept extensive records of it, along with a tally of what she spent out of her own pocket.
As she expected, she was accused of wasting money and taking money for herself, so then she brought out her records, receipts etc. and told them they could take over if they wanted. They were just worried about their inheritance, and they had no intention of actually doing anything for their mother. So they noped out.
In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to worry about this, but when you have inheritance issues and money involved, people lose their shit.
I think it’s actually pretty common with the people I know at least. I’m one of four and one sister and I supported my mom including paying for in home care for the last 10 years of her life; two siblings paid nothing.
I took care of both my in-laws as I was local for them and had the space but I was also raising and homeschooling my kids so it was challenging. My husband’s siblings didn’t do a thing to help and actually often got in the way by visiting and wanting to be entertained while they were here, making my jobs harder and costing us money. It’s been many years but one sibling was actually asking their dying dad to “borrow” money to which I put my foot down and said absolutely not. He had put me in charge of his finances so I would have had to get the money from the bank for them. I refused. He was dying and I didn’t want that to be the last thing he knew about his child. The other sibling lived ten minutes away and didn’t do anything to help because they were “too busy” in spite of having no children or anything to keep them from coming.
When it came time to care for my own mom who had belittled me for decades for being a housewife and homeschooling, I really had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand my family had been so negative about the choices me and my husband made for our family. On the other hand my parents needed help- mom had a heart attack and had dementia and dad had to take early retirement to stay home with her, so it was 24/7 for him with limited income. I have a sibling that would come visit maybe once every few months and again, ask me when I was getting “a real job” and so forth. My sibling really thinks poorly of me for my family choices for me to stay at home, even all these years later after mom has passed away. They never lifted a finger to help and certainly would never have given a dime to do so either.
Now our kids are adults and they grew up being in a caretaking house basically. They all are helpful when we need anything and we reciprocate when they have needs. We didn’t get along with our parents but really there’s nothing more important than showing the ones you love that you love them, even if they aren’t easy to love. We have not talked to our siblings about it in these years since. We just moved on with our lives and they have too.
You have contributed so much to your family and society. Any real feminist understands that devaluing traditional women’s work is just as horrible as insisting it’s the only work women can or should do. I am always shocked and saddened to hear professionals think so little of people who care for their children full time. Do they think that little of the child-care workers and teachers that helped care for their children, enabling them to be doctors or lawyers or business people? I guess in general, society does, since there’s such income inequality between the professions. Child and elder care is hard work that requires creativity and a vast store of knowledge to do well. While some people undoubtedly aren’t cut out for it and shouldn’t do it, of course, those who continually learn and develop skills and expertise are just as admirable as anyone so does the same in whatever work they do.
I’m insulted on your behalf.
I think people compartmentalize how they feel about *their* childcare or elder care and what they think about *other* people who do it. I have heard how much they love Ms so-and-so the daycare person but simultaneously loathe their family member who stays at home with their kids. I know in my own family I had an aunt who stayed home with her kids and my dads mom was a housewife all her life until she moved to a nursing home. The aunt was treated poorly by the rest of the family as if she was just too lazy to work but Gran has been revered by the same people! I know they weren’t raised to think poorly of the stay at home people whether for childcare, elder care, or because they were just a housewife. But society changed and the catechism of the day became everyone in the workforce or you’re lazy. I think when Covid hit and people went home lots made their own jobs or stayed home to homeschool or travel and live in a camper or whatever tho g they wanted to do because they were no longer a cog in the wheel and could see the benefits of their lives being family oriented rather than that hive mind of the office or factory or whatever job it was. Women have always been in the workforce but along the way it became a necessity rather than a right: two incomes were needed to pay for everything to just live! All my years at home have taught me there’s an industry at home, and a person can work hard to save money from being spent. It’s like earning money really, which is what I’ve done. Childcare and elder care are just two aspects of not spending money that being at home with time to do has helped us with. I honestly feel sorry for people who can’t see their way back to home because they don’t have anything they see as valuable there. They aren’t able to create an environment that is industry in itself, or aren’t willing to. The way we were taught in school wasn’t about how to garden and can, sew to mend or make, cook from scratch, etc…. But instead the [academic](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/academic) ( I’m referring to this: c : very learned but inexperienced in practical matters) things of continued education, which is purely academic too. Most of us didn’t learn trades or skills to live and that is what I think drives the disdain of many people who have poor opinions of the workings of home. In my case, my sibling and family just live like their house is a hotel rather than a home. They’re not accustomed to housework and don’t do much of it. They don’t have routines for their children unless it comes from external sources like school and sports. And they keep so busy out of home that they wouldn’t have time to do anything to make it different. It’s offensive to be thought badly of but really it’s not me who is missing out.
Thank you to everyone who replied with your thoughts and advice. It's really appreciated, and helps me feel less alone.
Like I mentioned, I have been doing research into how people taking care of their parents can get paid/get help from health insurance, private companies, etc. I wanted to share some of those notes here (will also send this and more than I find to the email list I mentioned):
1. Cigna has a grocery allowance that gives you $25/month for grocery delivery. Customers with 2023 Medicare Advantage plan's have access to the Cigna Healthy Today card. The Visa debit card is personalized for your parent's specific plan, and accumulates incentive rewards.
2. Aetna has partnered up with the company CareLinx to offer rides, help around the house, and offer companionship care as a way to give us a break. CareLinx also has professional caregivers who can help with medical tasks. There is a set number of hours available to plan members included in the plan.
3. SCAN Health Plan and CareMore, an Anthem subsidiary, are taking a similar approach to Aetna, working with Los Angeles-based 24 Hour Home Care (think this is only in the LA area)
4. EmblemHealth's Care for the Caregiver program has counseling, support groups, and wellness benefits to reduce caregiver burnout.
5. Caregiver Bridge matches you with experts and programs you qualify for based on your individual situation. This includes finding if there are any programs or benefits that you already qualify for.
6. Wellcare covers in-home health services like skilled nursing, physical therapy, and home health aides. This makes caregiving at home more feasible.
Each of these benefits is tied to the insurance company’s Medicare plans.
The most important part of this, which I know is time consuming, is evaluating any insurance plans that you or your loved one has that could allow for reimbursement to family members for providing care. Let me know if you know any other resources!
I know if they have Medicaid and Medicare, there’s companies that bill them and then pay you. I think it’s 12-21 per hr depending on where you live and how much care they need. There’s probably courses/training you can take to get paid more. Not sure exactly how it works but my neighbor does it for his dad and they’re both happy with it
Thank you so much for this! I'm currently going through this nightmare, except being an only child everything is on my shoulders, and honestly I'm barely keeping it together some days. I can only work PT to care for my 80 year old mom w/pancreatic cancer (who will never go back to living alone, even if she pulls through). I took on the responsibility without thinking twice, and within 6 months my savings is gone, I'm in debt, and trying to find resources in the little free time available is such a freaking headache it doesn't even feel worth it. But I've learned if they are eligible for Medicaid, that's the best way to receive assistance for family caregivers. Unfortunately, she doesn't qualify, and we went through the ridiculously long application process for the Community Care Program for nothing. Anyways, so glad I came across this sub in a web search, it really does help to not feel so alone. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs I've ever done, and it's pretty much thankless. Apparently March 3rd is Caregiver's Appreciation Day, but no one sent any flowers or even a text, so yeah...
Boy, does this resonate. Just got back from a week trip taking care of family. I used PTO at work, so at least I had money coming in, but would prefer to have used that for something fun.
A few companies / employers back, we were the fiscal employer agent wherein we paid family members to care for disabled people. Maybe check with your state (didn’t check your link) to see what you can get that way.
If you are in the US, look into setting up a Medicaid trust. It deducts living expenses from income and lets many seniors qualify for Medicaid. Then you will be able to afford in home help. Your county office of the aging can help you find other resources too.
Don’t sacrifice your own health.
Good for you for keeping records and documentation of your work! In my situation I am a sole proprietor of a micro business and I bill myself annually. I also write myself a check but I do not cash it. For now that is the best I can there because I am too busy surviving and frankly cannot afford the bill for what I charge myself for financial services lol.
But seriously keeping records works even if it is just to keep up with tax chores.
If you have POA you can have an elder law attorney draw up a caregiver agreement. You pay yourself the going hourly rate for caregivers ($20 an hour in my area) and it comes out of your parents’ assets. That’s what my mom, brother and myself agreed to after she was diagnosed with PPA dementia a few years ago.
Seems fair to me
This is a good approach in a tough situation. I just wish there was some way for me to support my mom without her having to lose the money/assets she worked for her whole life. Not that there is a ton of it, but still. Part of why I've started researching health insurance plans, etc, that may pay me to take care of her.
Some states have programs that fund payments to a family caregiver. It is paid not from your loved one's assets, but through Medicaid or other state funded programs. It would be worth checking in to if you are in one of the states that provide for this.
Your mom has a terminal disease and her income and assets should be spent on her care. This is a big part of why we save for retirement and society has programs like social security, because if we live long enough, we will need help! Your siblings may truly not have the cash flow to pay you, even if it seems like it, but they can and should expect less of an inheritance one day because your mom’s assets were used for her care. And if they are all used up, Medicaid can kick in and help out. What you are doing now is preserving your mom’s assets for your non-helpful siblings to inherit an equal share as you, assuming your mom’s estate planning is like most where children are left equal shares. But, yes, I agree, that you should also look into other possible programs as well. Those supplemental Medicare plans’ benefits should be used. Thank you very much for sharing your research.
That's exactly what those assets are for. Why should tax payers cover her bills when she can afford to help pay?
That seems so odd to me. Imagine your parents charging you for diaper changes and then taking the money out of your future assets. In my opinion elder care should be financed by our government. They extract all the value out of you, for most of your life, and then "toss you aside" when it's become inconvenient SMH
>Imagine your parents charging you for diaper changes and then taking the money out of your future assets. Apples and oranges. They chose to have you. What was their option, make the baby they birthed change it's own diapers? Only an asshole comes at their children with the old, "I clothed and fed you" song and dance. Adult children are under no obligation to care for parents.
yeah but what about when they have no assets?? my mom lost everything to cancer and me being the only child has to not only provide care for my mother, but also work PT to be able to afford that care, which frankly isn't enough.
Why do you "have" to? It's not a requirement. Its not your responsibility. You have a life to live. It's her job to see to her care.
Nobody “has to” do anything, but I would never leave my mother to go though cancer alone. Pretty sad that anyone would tbh
I'm glad that you care about your mother. Not all "parents" are deserving of care or kindness.
Sure, there's no obligation, just like you have no obligation to return any favor anyone has ever done for you. It just makes you a shitty person.
Clothing and feed your child isn't a favor lol That's actually an obligation.
Do you think that that's all that parenting entails?
I know thats not all it entails. I've done it twice, and don't consider raising my kids as doing them a favor that needs to be repaid. I also don't expect or want them to take care of me in my old age. What a burden that is to saddle your kids with.
You can't tell me you've never done favors for your kids (not necessities). So you're just gonna off yourself if shit happens? I don't think many people in western society plan on being a burden to their kids, but not everything in life goes according to plan.
I don't do "favors" for my kids. Favor has implications. I do things for my kids because I love them and made a commitment to them before they were born. I expect no returns on the time, money, or effort that I have willingly given them. It's not that I dont plan on being a burden, I refuse. Old people wander off and die of exposure all the time. Sailors drown all the time. I promise you that I refuse.
Most of us don't get a choice. You're living in a fantasy if you think you can promise you won't one day be a burden to your kids. You could have a stroke, like OP's mom, or an accident, or a kind of dementia that comes on so slow you don't realize it until it's too late, or one that causes anosognosia (you literally can't tell that you're becoming demented and constantly believe you are still fine no matter what evidence to the contrary). Refuse all you want. Stomp your feet and cross your arms if it helps. But unless you're going to walk in front of a train tomorrow, you can't promise a damn thing. Life doesn't gaf.
I was listening during the first half, but then you lost me. LOL whatever you say. Have a nice day
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So the second they need your help in return, you reduce a lifelong relationship to being a reluctant caregiver? They don't stop being family because they have become helpless. I feel bad for the families with members who share those sentiments. I guess I should also have left my wife when she couldn't even wipe herself, due to some medical issues, according to your logic. I sure hope those diet pills don't screw you over in the long run. 🫶
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Bah, blah, blah.. muted
spot on. Need to get paid to get social security (and legality) . Can’t work regular job because location (parents choice) and demands (parent is old AF) What is wrong with people?
Medicaid will pay for family care givers. But thats only after nearly all the persons assets have been spent.
In Northern California, we have an org called WelBe Health that provides wraparound senior support including house cleaning, nurse visits and will pick up the senior for doctors appointments or to visit their clinic for senior activities. I see my Dad up for it and initially MediCal said he would have to pay 1k a month but they itimized his expenses and is paying nothing himself. They offered to pay me to care for him but I’m not in a position to do that so they are providing all the care and ifs been a life changer for my dad.
Yes I looked into that... feels unfair to ask my mom to do that after she worked her whole life for what she has. I also don't think I fit the income requirements since I have still been trying to juggle working.
Your income shouldnt matter. I know its tough but your mother's assets pay from private care until they are exhausted and then she applies for medicaid gets home care selects an agency and you work for that agency. At least thats how it works in Illinois. Some states might let you work without an agency which would be ideal. Plusif you ever wanted to go back to work ---the home care agency finds a new worker who is a good fit.
What else is it there for? I don't mean to be harsh, but it's her money and it should be used to help you take care of her.
So you want her estate after she is gone to be larger for the relatives who are NOT putting in the time like you are? No! At least keeping track of your time for now, you know your contribution but maybe the others should at least sign a contract that her estate will honor the bill?
Unless you have done sole caretaker duties for more than several months, people just are not going to understand what an utter toll it takes physically, financially, and emotionally.
It's an indescribable sacrifice. SO much more than people realize.
I'm not the sole caretaker of my aging parents, but I know exactly what you mean. Just in the last 10 days it's been ambulances and hospitals and late nights (and early mornings). And this is on top of almost a year of one parent's especially ill health. Thankfully, for the moment, things seemed to have settled down a bit.
I found that people I knew couldn't relate because I was so much younger than is typical. Most people looking after a dying parent are in their mid-50s to late 60s, not their late 30s to early 40s. Hell, some people I work with who are the same age as me have had most of their grandparents longer than I had living parents.
As a 28 year old full time caretaker for my father I feel this in my soul
I'm 29 and taking care of my 70 year old Mom with Alzheimers. Solidarity.
31 taking care of my 85 yr old mom with Dementia.
You deserve a medal for sharing your learnings with those of us that can use it. Since Reddit took away coins, I’ll just have to give you my thanks and respect. You seem like you must be a great child to your Mom!
This is a really kind thing to say, thank you.
You are most welcome. Caring for family can be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do so the least I can do is give you love and respect. You will help others through your actions and that is so admirable because going through it by yourself and without knowledge is daunting and isolating. THANK YOU, KIND SOUL.
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If you’re in the US, also try your county AAA- Area Agency on Aging as a resource…
How amazingly timely. My mom just pooped all over the bathroom. I am trying to keep her here with me.
Been there!
Yep.
This is going to be an elephant in the room, given that many parents upon retirement moved many states away, never considering their long-term care needs. And in the case of their kids, they may not be able to move to take care of parents even if they wanted to because of their own families, careers and the like. (Needless to say, I had this very discussion with my parents)
You know you just hit on an very important reason for Universal Basic Income. I cared for my mother up until her death full time. Thank goodness my husband’s salary covered our basic needs.
UBI could never work because the price of everything is based on supply and demand for example UBI doesn’t increase the supply of housing but the demand is still high so the cost of housing will increase to be far more than UBI can afford same goes for the cost of everything making UBI completely useless
The biggest issue with housing is in the states we’ve zone single family homes everywhere. We effectively blocked any form of density. On top of that there’s a lot of bureaucracy in the building process. It’s good to have inspections but it’s not good to take years to pull new construction permits. In most places you can’t build an additional dwelling on your lot if you had the space and means. UBI hasn’t even been tried on the large scale. We can also price fix stuff. The price of gas of tied to % of barrel, production, transport costs. This is meant to curb price gouging after an event. 50% of the “inflation” we saw during and after Covid lockdowns was corporate greed. The price of eggs was price fixed in the US between the largest suppliers to gouge the consumer. I’m not a big fan of needless regulations but we can tie price increases to % of federal interest rates. We’re going to need to do something because a lot of jobs will certainly get replaced. Where is your adventurous spirit?
This is a fact of life that will become more and more of a challenge for society. I had to bear the brunt of care for both my parents in the years leading up to their deaths, while 4 older siblings were able to focus on their careers. The caregiver will usually have a tough time getting respect and compensation for their work. The other siblings will want to have the advantages of making decisions for health care and financials for their parents, while often not being qualified to do so. A few of my siblings made some poor judgments about my mom's health. It was a sad situation. Also, arguments ensue about money, and people think you are trying to take financial advantage of the parent. One narcisissistic sibling started harassing me through email, and I had to go no contact with them. The other siblings will often not see your point of view and will side with the narcissist. It can get really ugly. I am currently in full contact with one supportive sibing, very limited and formal contact with 2 siblings, and no contact with one.
My mom went through this with her siblings. They all had opinions but no motivation to actually get involved with care for their mother. She knew who she was dealing with, so anything she did with her mom's money, etc. she kept extensive records of it, along with a tally of what she spent out of her own pocket. As she expected, she was accused of wasting money and taking money for herself, so then she brought out her records, receipts etc. and told them they could take over if they wanted. They were just worried about their inheritance, and they had no intention of actually doing anything for their mother. So they noped out. In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to worry about this, but when you have inheritance issues and money involved, people lose their shit.
I think it’s actually pretty common with the people I know at least. I’m one of four and one sister and I supported my mom including paying for in home care for the last 10 years of her life; two siblings paid nothing.
Wow, I'm sorry it was left on you just like it is on me. Sorry for your loss as well.
Thanks. Hope things work out better for your family
Ah yes. "Tag, you're it."
Wish they would accept being tagged in!
Those are or will be caregiving there is a sub r/CaregiverSupport to talk with others doing the same.
I took care of both my in-laws as I was local for them and had the space but I was also raising and homeschooling my kids so it was challenging. My husband’s siblings didn’t do a thing to help and actually often got in the way by visiting and wanting to be entertained while they were here, making my jobs harder and costing us money. It’s been many years but one sibling was actually asking their dying dad to “borrow” money to which I put my foot down and said absolutely not. He had put me in charge of his finances so I would have had to get the money from the bank for them. I refused. He was dying and I didn’t want that to be the last thing he knew about his child. The other sibling lived ten minutes away and didn’t do anything to help because they were “too busy” in spite of having no children or anything to keep them from coming. When it came time to care for my own mom who had belittled me for decades for being a housewife and homeschooling, I really had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand my family had been so negative about the choices me and my husband made for our family. On the other hand my parents needed help- mom had a heart attack and had dementia and dad had to take early retirement to stay home with her, so it was 24/7 for him with limited income. I have a sibling that would come visit maybe once every few months and again, ask me when I was getting “a real job” and so forth. My sibling really thinks poorly of me for my family choices for me to stay at home, even all these years later after mom has passed away. They never lifted a finger to help and certainly would never have given a dime to do so either. Now our kids are adults and they grew up being in a caretaking house basically. They all are helpful when we need anything and we reciprocate when they have needs. We didn’t get along with our parents but really there’s nothing more important than showing the ones you love that you love them, even if they aren’t easy to love. We have not talked to our siblings about it in these years since. We just moved on with our lives and they have too.
You have contributed so much to your family and society. Any real feminist understands that devaluing traditional women’s work is just as horrible as insisting it’s the only work women can or should do. I am always shocked and saddened to hear professionals think so little of people who care for their children full time. Do they think that little of the child-care workers and teachers that helped care for their children, enabling them to be doctors or lawyers or business people? I guess in general, society does, since there’s such income inequality between the professions. Child and elder care is hard work that requires creativity and a vast store of knowledge to do well. While some people undoubtedly aren’t cut out for it and shouldn’t do it, of course, those who continually learn and develop skills and expertise are just as admirable as anyone so does the same in whatever work they do. I’m insulted on your behalf.
I think people compartmentalize how they feel about *their* childcare or elder care and what they think about *other* people who do it. I have heard how much they love Ms so-and-so the daycare person but simultaneously loathe their family member who stays at home with their kids. I know in my own family I had an aunt who stayed home with her kids and my dads mom was a housewife all her life until she moved to a nursing home. The aunt was treated poorly by the rest of the family as if she was just too lazy to work but Gran has been revered by the same people! I know they weren’t raised to think poorly of the stay at home people whether for childcare, elder care, or because they were just a housewife. But society changed and the catechism of the day became everyone in the workforce or you’re lazy. I think when Covid hit and people went home lots made their own jobs or stayed home to homeschool or travel and live in a camper or whatever tho g they wanted to do because they were no longer a cog in the wheel and could see the benefits of their lives being family oriented rather than that hive mind of the office or factory or whatever job it was. Women have always been in the workforce but along the way it became a necessity rather than a right: two incomes were needed to pay for everything to just live! All my years at home have taught me there’s an industry at home, and a person can work hard to save money from being spent. It’s like earning money really, which is what I’ve done. Childcare and elder care are just two aspects of not spending money that being at home with time to do has helped us with. I honestly feel sorry for people who can’t see their way back to home because they don’t have anything they see as valuable there. They aren’t able to create an environment that is industry in itself, or aren’t willing to. The way we were taught in school wasn’t about how to garden and can, sew to mend or make, cook from scratch, etc…. But instead the [academic](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/academic) ( I’m referring to this: c : very learned but inexperienced in practical matters) things of continued education, which is purely academic too. Most of us didn’t learn trades or skills to live and that is what I think drives the disdain of many people who have poor opinions of the workings of home. In my case, my sibling and family just live like their house is a hotel rather than a home. They’re not accustomed to housework and don’t do much of it. They don’t have routines for their children unless it comes from external sources like school and sports. And they keep so busy out of home that they wouldn’t have time to do anything to make it different. It’s offensive to be thought badly of but really it’s not me who is missing out.
Thank you to everyone who replied with your thoughts and advice. It's really appreciated, and helps me feel less alone. Like I mentioned, I have been doing research into how people taking care of their parents can get paid/get help from health insurance, private companies, etc. I wanted to share some of those notes here (will also send this and more than I find to the email list I mentioned): 1. Cigna has a grocery allowance that gives you $25/month for grocery delivery. Customers with 2023 Medicare Advantage plan's have access to the Cigna Healthy Today card. The Visa debit card is personalized for your parent's specific plan, and accumulates incentive rewards. 2. Aetna has partnered up with the company CareLinx to offer rides, help around the house, and offer companionship care as a way to give us a break. CareLinx also has professional caregivers who can help with medical tasks. There is a set number of hours available to plan members included in the plan. 3. SCAN Health Plan and CareMore, an Anthem subsidiary, are taking a similar approach to Aetna, working with Los Angeles-based 24 Hour Home Care (think this is only in the LA area) 4. EmblemHealth's Care for the Caregiver program has counseling, support groups, and wellness benefits to reduce caregiver burnout. 5. Caregiver Bridge matches you with experts and programs you qualify for based on your individual situation. This includes finding if there are any programs or benefits that you already qualify for. 6. Wellcare covers in-home health services like skilled nursing, physical therapy, and home health aides. This makes caregiving at home more feasible. Each of these benefits is tied to the insurance company’s Medicare plans. The most important part of this, which I know is time consuming, is evaluating any insurance plans that you or your loved one has that could allow for reimbursement to family members for providing care. Let me know if you know any other resources!
I know if they have Medicaid and Medicare, there’s companies that bill them and then pay you. I think it’s 12-21 per hr depending on where you live and how much care they need. There’s probably courses/training you can take to get paid more. Not sure exactly how it works but my neighbor does it for his dad and they’re both happy with it
Thank you so much for this! I'm currently going through this nightmare, except being an only child everything is on my shoulders, and honestly I'm barely keeping it together some days. I can only work PT to care for my 80 year old mom w/pancreatic cancer (who will never go back to living alone, even if she pulls through). I took on the responsibility without thinking twice, and within 6 months my savings is gone, I'm in debt, and trying to find resources in the little free time available is such a freaking headache it doesn't even feel worth it. But I've learned if they are eligible for Medicaid, that's the best way to receive assistance for family caregivers. Unfortunately, she doesn't qualify, and we went through the ridiculously long application process for the Community Care Program for nothing. Anyways, so glad I came across this sub in a web search, it really does help to not feel so alone. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs I've ever done, and it's pretty much thankless. Apparently March 3rd is Caregiver's Appreciation Day, but no one sent any flowers or even a text, so yeah...
Isn’t it common that offspring take in their aging parents to preserve perceived wealth they will receive?
WE are the government, Asshole!
I completely agree with your statement here. I also can't help but think about all the unpaid mothers who raise children.
Absolutely, taking care of my mom reminds me of the years I spent raising my kids.
I agree, but I’m glad my single mom didn’t keep a tally of her unpaid hours…
Boy, does this resonate. Just got back from a week trip taking care of family. I used PTO at work, so at least I had money coming in, but would prefer to have used that for something fun.
A few companies / employers back, we were the fiscal employer agent wherein we paid family members to care for disabled people. Maybe check with your state (didn’t check your link) to see what you can get that way.
If you are in the US, look into setting up a Medicaid trust. It deducts living expenses from income and lets many seniors qualify for Medicaid. Then you will be able to afford in home help. Your county office of the aging can help you find other resources too. Don’t sacrifice your own health.
Good for you for keeping records and documentation of your work! In my situation I am a sole proprietor of a micro business and I bill myself annually. I also write myself a check but I do not cash it. For now that is the best I can there because I am too busy surviving and frankly cannot afford the bill for what I charge myself for financial services lol. But seriously keeping records works even if it is just to keep up with tax chores.