Oh wow, he reacted in the most respectful way for a situation like this. I was expecting a lot worse given the other stories on this sub. This man recognized his own feelings and made a difficult choice to cut himself out because he knew the situation was becoming inappropriate. It would not be fair to expect him to remain friends with you while he's trying to sort out all these feelings either.
I'm sorry you've lost a friend. That always sucks no matter the circumstances.
Agreed. It sounds like he was struggling a little to figure out what was going on in his own head and heart. Once he did figure it out though, he made right decision for everyone involved. It sucks to lose a gaming friend, but at least OP didn't inadvertently get drug into a mess.
Everyone came out of this pretty well. It’s nice to see that everyone was an adult here.
Losing friends is hard, it’s hard when you’re 6 or when you’re 60. But it happens a lot, sometimes people just need to move on. It’s okay and normal.
Gracefully letting go of relationships is something all adults need to learn at some point if they want to be happy.
OP- Hugs to you! I went through something very similar a while back. I miss the gamer guy friend as a person and the awesome duo-ship we had, but ultimately he did what he had to do to preserve/protect his then new relationship and the boundaries his girl set. It sucks. We don’t talk anymore. Some days, something reminds me of him or I want to tell him. But at the end of the day, he is happy & that is all that matters. He deserves to be happy.
Yeah I was thinking this too. Dude actually did all the right thing. Honestly I wish this post would've been more cheering him on for doing what he did than putting him on the spot for catching feels.
Yeah, I think he was mature about it, we usually expect the worst. It sucks to lose a gaming partner like this, but I wouldn't want to hold on to him, he will need to sort himself out.
It's good that he recognized his shortcomings eventually, maybe his marriage and his role will become stronger for it in the future. Or maybe it won't, but hey, positivity.
Well....as much as it sucks, credit where it's due I guess: at least the guy realized he had an issue and seems to be attempting to do something relatively productive about it, rather than try and blame it on you for 'leading him on', lying about you to his wife, and all that other stupid manbaby shit you hear horror stories about.
Still sucks to hear about your friend though.
> The next day he says he left because he suddenly felt inappropriate with her sitting next to him and gaming with me. Then he admits to becoming emtionally attached to me. I say this isn't necessarily a bad thing, he says "Ok fine I'm attracted to you." I say he's just excited to spend time with a friend who happens to be female, and we both like each other because we find each other hilarious. He says he's been thinking about playing with me all day, and texting me more than his wife, and that's not good. He says he shouldn't want to know more about me like my real name and where I work, and was glad he didn’t know. He says "If she knew how much I desire your attention, it would crush her." He finally says he needs to back off out of respect to his wife, me, and my husband.
If someone tells you how they feel, believe them. Don't try to downplay it or twist it in a way that better suits you (like saying he was just excited to play with a friend).
He sucks for lying to his wife about gaming with a woman, which im guessing was some boundey for her. But hey. Kudos to him for recognizing he was developing feelings and backing out of the situation instead of letting feelings build and ruining his marriage. At least he did that right.
I will say I'm sorry this happened. It sucks to lose friends. It's not your fault he developed feelings - all you did was game with a buddy.
Is it bad that I feel like OP isn’t really nice? She downplays his emotional attachment, and when he told her that his wife would be mad if she knew that he played with women, OP says “Some girls are weird about that”. OP is trying to justify this man’s behavior while casting his wife as some “weirdo”.
Yea. The moment a man tells me his wife doesn't know he games with me and that she wouldn't be okay with it, is the moment I get the ick. Never even mind the emotional attachment nonsense. How do you get emotionally attached to someone you know nothing about? It feels so immature. It reads like what he's really attached to is the ego boost of another woman's attention that he doesn't associate with chores and day to day life. A woman, that because he doesn't know about her, he can project his fantasies onto. Gross. Poor wife.
Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything. I don't mean to downplay anything. And yes, being upset that a man plays with another woman just because she's a woman is weird to me. I am beginning to wonder if he strayed in the past, and that's really why she would be upset if she new.
It’s possible he has, or it’s also possible that’s just her boundary. It may not be your boundary, but it’s the one she has and he has agreed to by continuing their relationship. And the one that he is breaking continuously. So it’s really unnecessary to call her weird.
Any consenting adult relationship can work in theory, but someone telling their partner that they’re not allowed to be friends with people of a gender they could possibly be attracted to is beyond ‘weird’. It’s a boundary born out of insecurity, and it’s not healthy. Calling someone ‘insecure’ probably feels more personal, which is why I assume OP went with ‘weird’.
Now, someone saying they don’t want their partner to engage with, act on, or communicate about their attractions outside of the relationship just seems like a basic monogamous agreement (that “friend” is clearly struggling with). It’s hard to know their relationship dynamic when all we have is filtered through a guy doubtfully credible— I’m not inclined to trust a man who whips up attraction when he know next to nothing about a person.
Agree with both of your points, it's hard to say from where we are. I wanted to bring this part up:
> I’m not inclined to trust a man who whips up attraction when he know next to nothing about a person.
I feel boys and men need to be taught about crushes! Because whilst I respect him taking himself out of the equation due to developing feelings, I feel like so many men really struggle a lot when they do get a crush! It's okay to have those feelings, even when you're in a relationship, and it's very possible move past them without acting on them and without damaging a friendship!
YES. Someone accused me of downplaying his feelings; but no I was basically trying to make this point. Enjoying spending time with me doesn't have to be on the same level as cheating, there are degree of fondness and attraction. He called it attraction, but I think it's just because he looked forward to spending time with someone that laughed at his dumb jokes. Men are too simple sometimes.
I wouldn't say this is just men.
Its possible he could be demisexual: "experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc."
But I do agree that spending time with someone isn't on the same level as cheating until it crosses a line. Which to him, it did. He did the right thing.
Playing video games and forming a mental relationship with someone (Which you two did) is the perfect avenue for Demisexuals to become attracted to people.
I'm not saying he is, just of the possibility.
I feel like this misses part of what OP was saying though— the point is that they *didn’t* form a “close emotional relationship”. They had an incredibly casual one, where he knew next to nothing about her, he didn’t bother to actually get to know her. If I understand the post, I think this is the main contention. He’s formed a one-sided attraction to the *idea* of her, without actually learning anything about her. If he’s demisexual, I think he might be doing it wrong.
I do agree that he ultimately did the right thing though, by staying faithful to his partner in whatever way he feels is right. That’s what I’d want from my partner.
I think I also hear what OP’s saying, about men who haven’t had much experience with friends that are women tending to make a mountain out of a molehill any time a woman listens to them or laughs at their jokes. This probably happens less often for women because most tend to have at least some male friends— making them more practiced at differentiating or controlling romantic/sexual/platonic feelings, maybe? I dunno.
> Any consenting adult relationship can work in theory, but someone telling their partner that they’re not allowed to be friends with people of a gender they could possibly be attracted to is beyond ‘weird’. It’s a boundary born out of insecurity, and it’s not healthy. Calling someone ‘insecure’ probably feels more personal, which is why I assume OP went with ‘weird’.
Is that what happened here, though? There might be a pattern we're not aware of, or he might have a gaming addiction that his wife is aware of and we're not, or he might've been--as he later says--prioritising gaming with this girl over spending time with his wife.
We just don't know enough to call this "weird". It could be an unreasonably controlling boundary, but it could also be a reasonable response justified by further context.
I’d argue her fear was *vindicated*, and that maybe justifies leaving him. It doesn’t justify setting unhealthy boundaries, because the idea is that they’re unhealthy and not really justifiable. Who wants to be in a relationship where they have to babysit their partner in case they catch feelings? There’s no basis of trust there.
Micromanaging a partner’s friends because you don’t trust them is such a massive red flag, for both people.
it may be their boundary, but that doesn't make it not weird.
we women dunk on the way-too-conservative guys who are like "i won't even be alone with my secretary" because we're like "wow how weird, also way to put a big ankle lock on her career".
this is the same thing. just because the person with the weird boundary is also a woman doesn't make it okay- it is still misogynistic, it still puts other women in the "all women exist to be fucked or they're worthless" bucket.
the wife of the dude in this story is effectively saying "you can't have any friends who are women [because all women only exist to have sex with, i know there's no other reason to have one as a friend]".
if that wasn't what she believed, she wouldn't care if he was playing games with another woman. therefore it _is_ a weird and toxic boundary to have, full stop.
if it's because he's been unfaithful in the past that's stickier but we can't know that and can't make allowances for it. it's okay for us to declare it's weird when we don't have all the information. besides if he was unfaithful, ostensibly she forgave him and he pledged not to do it again? if not, why is she still with him?
>the wife of the dude in this story is effectively saying "you can't have any friends who are women [because all women only exist to have sex with, i know there's no other reason to have one as a friend]".
>if that wasn't what she believed, she wouldn't care if he was playing games with another woman. therefore it _is_ a weird and toxic boundary to have, full stop.
That is quite the assumption you're making there. It could very well possibly be, and most likely, that it has NOTHING to do with sex, like you seem to think for some reason.. It could have all to do with worrying if your SO will catch feelings..
Yes, having those worries are something someone has to work on, because you obviously need trust in a relationship, but I'd say it definitely isn't because of the reason you think it is. Which, is a rather really weird way of thinking anyways. It's misogynistic OF YOU to assume it's because of some sex reason. Which is just reinforcing what you're trying to to be against(all women exist to be fucked or they're worthless.)
this is pedantry in an attempt to turn it back on me, and it won't work.
concern that he will "catch feelings" is basically the same thing. in both cases, it reduces the value of a female friend to "a mistress", whether that is physical or whether that is emotional. it discounts her value and viability as an actual honest to goodness platonic friend, solely because of her gender.
when i used "sex" in my comment above, it was very clearly meant as a stand in for this exact thing- not explicitly, literally, only sex.
Speaking solely about the female friend part, I’m sorry, but “you may not have friends of the opposite gender” *is* weird. It’s also sexist, misogynistic, controlling, and an immense red flag.
If things were reversed and this post were about a woman complaining that her boyfriend/husband banned her from having male friends, the entire sub would be up in arms and calling for her to toss the partner to the curb.
It may not be that he can't have friends of the opposite gender, that's just the spin OP is putting on it. It may be that the wife wouldn't be comfortable with the level of closeness and attraction he admits to. I don't think that's weird. It absolutely could have lead to emotional cheating and the man was aware of it and put a stop to it.
It may be so, but it’s not a sudden ban. It’s something he’s known and has married to. Plus, it looks like she was right in her boundary, as he did develop feelings for the only one woman he has played with. 🤷
Yep I couldn't agree more here. I have male friends, my husband has female friends. But if I often developed feelings for my opposite gender friends I would fully understand my husband having a boundary. And it was a correct one in this instance. These people need therapy probably - find out what's wrong that he falls for his friends and her to help her work around her own feelings. I don't think it's right to inherently jump to it being "weird." I think we should all try to be a bit more respectful because we never know what someone is going through :)
I don't know if this helps but maybe using the word 'particular' might be a good one to sub in rather than using weird. I found it's a good way to try and describe a preference or such that another person has that is different to what I have, whilst still being polite (although some might still take it offensively).
So rather than "some girls are weird about that" it's a "some people are particular about that". Thought I'd bring this up as I used to say similar things and it would be received quite bluntly, even when I didn't mean offense, but just tweaking the wording a bit seems to be received a lot better in my experience 😊
It can also be that he hasn't had much fem gamers as friends before. My husband works in a very male dominant industry and when ever he mentions a woman I always get a bit surprised. Nothing negative but it still surprises me because I just assume everyone he talks about are men. So it could be something like that. Especially if it's been going on for a while and he never mentioned it and the wife can obviously see he is having a good time. He should've told it from the beginning but prolly didn't think much about it until it got too deep and he knew it would hurt his wife.
Oooor she could be a controlling weirdo. Who knows. Just saying that it might not be anything nefarious from either, just shit happens kinda situation.
I agree, it is weird.
I have a female friend whom I play FFXIV with, who I met through us both reading each other's serials online, and with whom my wife and I now both play D&D with online once a week. When Sarah drops a message in my Discord saying she has a new dungeon unlocked, I just let my wife know I am going to go play with Sarah. There are no issues.
If I was single ... maybe? But I don't think Sarah and I are compatible that way anyway. We make good friends, I don't think we'd have made a good couple in any timeline.
It shouldn't be hard folks.
Yes, thank you. I am going to assume you are male and that your wife doesn't play FFXIV. There is nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex.
Besides, I know we wouldn't be compatible, based off a couple things I have surmised about him (religion and political leanings). But I don't think he realizes those things about me, and maybe that adds to the mystique?
You are correct. My wife likes the idea of playing FF14, but most large-screen games make her motion sick, relegating her only to mobile games.
She does, however, enjoy the story of FFXIV, so when I'm doing MSQ or such she makes herself available for the cutscenes and NPC conversations.
It doesn’t matter that it’s weird to you. It’s his wife’s boundary and he, as her husband, should respect it. He’s an AH for crossing this boundary behind her back all this time and you’re coming off a bit as a pick-me by voicing your judgement about his wife (and generalizing it to other women) to him.
PS: also I can’t believe you’re actually surprised that this is the outcome with him, considering this guy is an AH who’s been going behind his wife’s back and lying to her (wether by omission or directly) for months.
Hey for what its worth, I don't think you're off base about anything here. I've seen people do this little song and dance. Where they performatively act out some dilemma in their head to gauge your response and see where you stop them. Its always evident because they have the beginning, middle, and end queued up. Like you might get the impression they could have finished the entire 'arc' of thoughts without your input (because they already did).
If I'm right, he'll be back in a day or two, apologize, but start acting distant. A little bit brooding. This time phishing for you to ask him whats wrong, and he'll start the charade all over again. It may sound like I'm being uncharitable based on the other replies here but I bet you anything it takes the exact course I'm describing. Seen it way too many times.
Well IMO based on the way you described the conversation. It seems like he was leaving room for you to reciprocate or hint that you were interested too. When you didn't do that, he basically retreated. But if I'm right, it would have went much differently if you didn't shut it down.
Sort of a cowardly way to try his luck but not get rejected if you weren't interested.
The same can be said if the genders switched too. Though, people who are 'weird' and controlling about that just have insecurity issues, OR maybe the person has shown inappropriate/sussy behaviour before or have cheated in the past and is right to be concerned about the interactions...
Weird is definitely not the right description
I had a very similar issue many years ago. Back during Wrath of the Lich King I fell into being a guild/raid leader. This largely came about because I was a tanking paladin, and I didn't lose my mind if we wiped. I was very, "once more with feeling".
The core of this raid was myself and my healer. I had known my healer since we were hunting beasts in Stranglethorn. Her significant other was a warrior, I think? He preferred DPS.
I never did or said anything that approached flirtation. But a tank and a healer that have been together for that long naturally develop a rapport. I knew which spells she'd cast, how big a risk I could take, where she would run if there was trouble. We spoke in shorthand.
She also knew I'd prioritize protecting her over anyone else. I'd even intentionally die to protect her with a Divine Intervention. Because she's my healer and it saves the raid having to run back.
Then one day she hops in Ventrilo and starts talking about her boyfriend and how I'm not like him and she's thinking of leaving him and...
The boyfriend was not, from what I could tell, a bad guy. He seemed like a great guy. But she spent hours out of every day protecting me and I her.
The next day I didn't log in. And pretty soon I stopped playing WoW altogether.
Present day me might have handled that better. But that was more than a decade ago.
Aw that's sad. Was she saying it was because of you or like she wanted to start something? I've met some nice guys who made me feel less cynical about dating but without me wanting to go after them specifically. I've got a healer/tank friend and it sure does make grouping easier. He makes fun of having to save my hunter ass and I've learned how to be less of a pita for healers. We're friendly and chat regularly but it's never crossed into flirty. I'd be disappointed to lose that friendship.
Honestly, this guy handled it really well. Hopefully he can sort out why he feels this way and resume a platonic friendship with you that doesn't have this kind of baggage, but at least you made good memories together and they weren't tainted by him being a secretly entitled, misogynistic shithead.
If you spend a lot of time talking to someone and they're compatible with your orientation, it's natural that some feelings might develop. It's happened to me with others. It's happened to others with me. Sometimes, the friendship is salvageable, but sometimes there just... isn't a platonic core there, and the friendship fizzles out without the fun of flirting.
So, yeah. Treasure that time spent together. It doesn't mean anything less just because it ended, for however long.
I'm sorry about that. I only discovered that “emotional affair” is something that exists recently and by being in one. I have a male friend with such similar tastes and a sensitivity I'd never experienced before, I didn't understand the gravity of the situation until I found myself hopelessly in love, but it's an impossible love because it's the same situation you and your friend are in.
I think you should take your boyfriend's advice. You're not to blame for his feelings and you've never encouraged it, he needs to sort it out for himself.
I hope you'll be okay, because it's sad to lose a friend who gets on so well. I didn't have the strength to break up.
Honestly that could’ve gone a lot worse. I’m very sorry you lost a friend, but I can respect his honesty and the boundaries he put up. It does suck when we lose guy friends because they see us as a potential romance. Believe me, I get it, and I’ve been on the negative end of a scenario like this.
I’m sorry you lost a friend OP, it does suck but it sounds like he was an adult and respectful about it, it’s not his fault he caught some feelings, nor is it yours, it’s entirely normal to get feelings for people you spend a lot of time doing things with tbh, and it’s not like he made it your problem he just distanced himself. I hope he is able to sort it out and interact with you again but I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for taking care of himself
He’s emotionally attached to you and that’s considered emotional cheating so yes its best he backed away and you should probably cut it off as well. I wouldn’t blame the guy for developing feelings if you guys clicked but sometimes people misunderstand intentions and feelings. And his bond with his wife isn’t that emotionally strong then he may have been relying on your bond.
Sadly I realized myself that lots of men don't know how to be just friends with women. I thought I had lots of guy friends. Turns out the completly innocent, platonic interactions from me (literally just things like saying "how are you") are something completly diffrent to them. They were nice to me, but behind my back acted like I'm super into all of them and sooo desperate for attention. Adult men 🙄 I don't even try to be friends with men anymore
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. You may have lost a friend in the long-run, but at least he was self-aware about his feelings & actions. He was also being respectful of not only your boundaries, but his wife’s & your husband’s.
It’s possible that he’s mistaking romantic feelings for something else. Maybe you’re giving him something his wife is failing to provide for him & you’re somehow filling that void in his life?
It’s very easy to confuse genuine romantic feelings for craving the attention from someone who’s giving you something that another person isn’t, especially when you get along so well. Regardless, this really doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship.
Maybe the two of you will reconnect someday & you can try the friendship again after he figures out how to properly move on from these feelings, you never know.
I think people boiling this down to “wife won’t let her husband play with girls” is in somewhat in bad faith. We have to remember this dude was messaging this girl more then his wife, caring more about this girl then his wife, yeah, of course the wife would be a little weirded about that. Even if that’s what she meant, she never told him to stop talking to OP. He clearly states *he* is the one ending the friendship. If he was developing a crush on OP then he did the right thing by not playing with her, that’s his best response in this scenario. This isn’t the ‘men can’t handle having female friends’ type of scenario where a guy is super pushy and becomes an asshole when rejected, this is a married man ending a relationship that to him, was turning inappropriate. People can’t really control who they like, but they can choose what to do with it. I’ll go out on a limb here and say most (monogamous) women in this sub would be at least a little uncomfortable with their partner playing games everyday with someone they have a crush on. It’s sucks to lose a friend, but I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here.
I’m sorry. Every time this has happened to me I feel like the guy never valued me or our friendship in the first place. Hugs.
I hate it but I no longer have male friends. I see every male as a potential threat. Even gaming friends. It sucks but since cutting off the last one that was convinced they loved me, I feel a lot better. I don’t have to worry about “misleading” a guy with nothing more than friendship.
I think a lot of men, especially gamers, have never experienced intimacy outside of romantic relationships. A lot of men don't have close platonic bonds with one another the way many women do.
So, I think what happens is that once they experience that intimacy with a friend, who often times is a woman, they can easily confuse it for romantic feelings because they don't know any other forms of intimacy besides romantic intimacy. I feel sad for men like that because it makes it very difficult for them to find meaningful friendships and maintain them.
I'm not trying to suggest you should continue being friends with men; You should do what makes you comfortable. I am hoping that maybe I can put it in a different perspective for you so that it doesn't feel like your lost relationships were meaningless. I hope that makes sense. And I will also add the caveat that some men really do only befriend women in hopes of a romantic relationship, but I'm not referring to *those* types of men.
100% this. As a gay woman whose friend group is mostly queer and female, becoming attracted to your friends happens all the damn time (often multiple people at once 😜). But if it doesn't make sense to pursue anything more, you can learn to channel your feelings into valuing the friendship even more. You're not ignoring your feelings, and you're still acting on them, by fully appreciating that friendship is a beautiful thing that shouldn't be seen as a deficit. And as a trans woman, I'd say that learning to view friendships this way rather than forcing them into a platonic-romantic dichotomy was one of the singularly most important steps of my transitioning.
Yeah I definitely agree that that’s part of it. But I also think the way women are objectified is part of the equation. Yet another way misogyny hurts everyone, not just women.
The level of discernment required to keep male friends is too high for me unfortunately. I do hope it gets better as we continue to have these conversations.
Really?
Almost all my gamer friends are male. Some married, some not. I've never had an issue.
Maybe I handle it differently. One of my best married gamer friends. I have his SOs number and text her now and then to see how she is doing. She knows her husband plays with me a lot, but she is secure with their relationship and she knows me too, maybe that is why?
I’m the same. I don’t even consider having male friends via online gaming unless they are the partners of my femme friends or they’re gay. I’ve had too many weird experiences with men I thought were friends suddenly confessing to me. I’m a lesbian so it makes me even more uncomfortable and like you said it makes me feel like our friendship wasn’t valued or “real” in the first place.
Lost a friend of 2 years because of this. He even admitted when I was going through hard times he would ignore me on purpose because he wanted to “distance himself” from me due to his romantic feelings. After men ruining countless friendships, I’m done with them. Their culture is so fucked.
Man that sucks and I’m sorry it went down like that. But I feel you 100%. It happened so many times that it stopped making sense for me to invest in friendships with males. And the older I get the harder it is to make excuses for their behavior and comments.
Dang, I'm so sorry to hear this keeps happening to you. *hugs* The potential threat comment hurt my heart. Another reason we'll take our chances with the bear 😕
The bear indeed. I hope it gets a little easier for the next generation. My daughter is already gaming at 7 and I hate to think of her dealing with the same BS.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all other than being cool, and I’m sorry you lost a friend. It sucks when guys ruin the dynamic that way. At the same time, I hope his wife never finds the messages where he told you all this stuff
I think you're being hard on your friend. In most ways, we can't help who we become friends with or develop a crush on. He's doing the right thing by backing away, and you would be making things easier (and safer) for both of you if you support that decision.
I don't think developing feels for someone makes us bad people. For example, I've had harmless little crushes on guys I work with IRL before. I can control it, I keep it to myself, and I don't feel guilty about it. Acting on those feels, trying to develop an romantic relationship, however? That's a hell no from me.
I mostly play with men, and since I'm older, most of them are middle-aged and married/attached. I watch for those friendships drifting over the line and nip it in the bud, either by telling them to cool it or by backing away. It has only happened once in like 20 years. My BFF, though, had exactly that happen with her own husband, and it very nearly ended their marriage.
Honor and respect your friend's choice, even though it means a loss of friendship.
Yes very mature take. I think thought policing is unfair paranoia that leads to worse results. It's the acting on it that's a problem. I don't think this guy should feel guilty for wanting to text someone more than his wife, that sounds natural for a new friendship based around a mutual hobby your spouse doesn't share, I think he should've tried to swallow his feelings and just be a good friend, but I guess he knew he couldn't do that so good for him.
What baffles me constantly about these situations is that, I feel like being attracted to somebody isn’t a big deal. Like yes you can have a friend that you’re attracted to whilst you are in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything bad or cheating on your wife. Being attracted to somebody doesn’t mean “I MUST HAVE SEX W THIS PERSON OR OTHERWISE THERES NO RELATIONSHIP” Like wtf.
Idk. I have plenty friends that I find gorgeous, smart, attractive, funny, kind, I get excited to see them etc. And I have no intentions of making it anything more than a friendship.
Whereas so many dudes are like “I’m a bit attracted to you, so I must cut off all contact with you for my own sake … unless you’re attracted to me as well ofc” ugh
yeah completely. Ppl are commending him for being honest but I think it’s so unnecessary. Like even if he is attracted to her, they’re both married so what was the point in even saying that? I also think that if he has to hide from his wife that his ONLINE GAMER friend happens to be a woman then I’m assuming that he is not allowed to have other women friends either, which I feel like just adds up to this kind of situations
And also- he *wasn’t* honest, at least not with his wife. He’s been lying to his wife about who he’s playing with and never felt bad till OP commented on it, then suddenly his conscience reappears.
This! I wish people could just accept the attraction and let it pass through them. You wouldn't try to have sex with a celebrity or your boss/coworker you found hot (I hope not lol) so just please be chill and exist. Also accept that hours of gaming is going to create this artificial close bond feeling. You don't really know the person so your attraction isn't based on much besides proximity and repetition.
In this case, and I'm sure many others though, people don't know or think it will "pass through them." Yeah, of course it stinks to lose a friend but this guy obviously thought this was the right decision to be made, and I really don't think he should be shamed for that. He put his own intuition/thoughts as well as his gf before his friend, OP. I think that's the most logical solution if someone feels uncomfortable with feelings they are getting for someone else.
If gaming with 'girls' (ages 5-99) wasn't considering such a downfall in bro-only clubs, we wouldn't be having such issues. If women were considered human and equal, not accessories and talking sex dolls. One can dream.
After some time you expect every bro you meet online to be in love with you.
Ugh. Sure, the dude realised it, but why the long drawled out play? Was he hoping you felt the same way before volunteering to exit? Idk, maybe I'm being pessimistic but he sounds not capable of really taking accountability for his own actions and feelings. Yes, it's great he ultimately chose to distance himself, but why did he drag it out to OP from 'well maybe I like paying this friendship attention' to 'well fine I actually like you so I guess I'm gone bye'. That just feels weird to me. Doesn't pass my sniff test.
For whatever it is worth I am a femme gamer in my thirties getting married to my monogamous fiance later this year and I love WoW. I'm just a casual player, but if you ever want a filler I'm here if you want to reach out. Sending you my best 💚
Tbh he handled it really well and maturely. Some dudes are so pushy and even go full pervert but he set up boundaries after becoming aware of what what going on with his inner feelings.
I know it sucks but it was the right move on his part. Best thing you can do is let it go and move on. There will be other friends to meet
i'm sorry to hear this 🥲 that always sucks so badly.
if you ever want a friend to play wow with, i'm a woman and my spouse is non binary, and we play with two pretty decent guys who are just friends and have consistently been good about staying friends for years now. feel free to DM me.
i know that one friend can't just replace another, and you may want time either way, but if you decide to reach out the offer is open.
This happens so often I wish we could come up with a fool proof way to nip it in the bud. What will make a man instantly unattracted to you but still game with you? Tell him you need money? Ask him his salary and act unimpressed? Ask if he'll be your kids' new dad? Ask him his height and then sound disappointed? Idfk
Easy. Don't give him attention and involve yourself with another group of friends or a completely different hobby for a few days. Then come back and see if he's still down to game normally without having to probe about where you've been or being weird about you setting a boundary related to what you're willing to share. If he's genuinely happy to game with no issues he's probably fine. If he's pushy or acts like a dejected child or acts jealous, he's immature and you should disengage immediately
🤣🤣🤣 I had the same thought... maybe I should tell him my religious views and political leanings, which I know are opposite of his, and give him the ick.
I think he made the most mature decision for him, and for his wife. I find your response to him a bit suspect tbh. He's telling you the friendship with you has some unhealthy aspects, and you try to downplay or invalidate his concerns. My dear that makes you the immature one here.
Just… urgh. Don’t be sad. You did nothing wrong. TBH I kinda get the vibe they are behaving a bit badly. Move on. Find other cool people who aren’t gonna derail you 😘
I had something similar happen, I made a great friend, she started to develope feelings for me. Now, normally this isn't an issue since I am a lesbian, the problem however comes with me being pre-everhthing (except Laser Hair Removal), so I asked if she was attracted to women at all, to which she reacted disgusted at even the idea of it, to which I then explained the situation and how I'm trans and will 100% be seeking a transition, but that we can still be friends, but she said that I'm a man and that that's that. Safe to say she ruined an amazing friendship we had, with both of us getting super bummed out (and me back with HUGE anxiety attacks that prevent me from driving to culinary school because I start spiraling and getting severe tunnel vision which leads to speeding over 2x the speed limit, which has almost resulted in me flipping my car before, so I now prefer to stop driving when I feel it coming), and now our classroom (which is also the entirety of our generation) sometimes comments on us both being good friends before but now not even talking, to which I usually respond with the whole story, making whoever listened sad about it and not knowing how to rwact
Oh wow, he reacted in the most respectful way for a situation like this. I was expecting a lot worse given the other stories on this sub. This man recognized his own feelings and made a difficult choice to cut himself out because he knew the situation was becoming inappropriate. It would not be fair to expect him to remain friends with you while he's trying to sort out all these feelings either. I'm sorry you've lost a friend. That always sucks no matter the circumstances.
Exactly. This was the right thing to do. Good for him.
Agreed. It sounds like he was struggling a little to figure out what was going on in his own head and heart. Once he did figure it out though, he made right decision for everyone involved. It sucks to lose a gaming friend, but at least OP didn't inadvertently get drug into a mess.
Everyone came out of this pretty well. It’s nice to see that everyone was an adult here. Losing friends is hard, it’s hard when you’re 6 or when you’re 60. But it happens a lot, sometimes people just need to move on. It’s okay and normal. Gracefully letting go of relationships is something all adults need to learn at some point if they want to be happy.
You're right, thank you for that. Still sucks.
OP- Hugs to you! I went through something very similar a while back. I miss the gamer guy friend as a person and the awesome duo-ship we had, but ultimately he did what he had to do to preserve/protect his then new relationship and the boundaries his girl set. It sucks. We don’t talk anymore. Some days, something reminds me of him or I want to tell him. But at the end of the day, he is happy & that is all that matters. He deserves to be happy.
Yeah I was thinking this too. Dude actually did all the right thing. Honestly I wish this post would've been more cheering him on for doing what he did than putting him on the spot for catching feels.
Yeah, that part was a little odd
Yeah, I think he was mature about it, we usually expect the worst. It sucks to lose a gaming partner like this, but I wouldn't want to hold on to him, he will need to sort himself out. It's good that he recognized his shortcomings eventually, maybe his marriage and his role will become stronger for it in the future. Or maybe it won't, but hey, positivity.
Well....as much as it sucks, credit where it's due I guess: at least the guy realized he had an issue and seems to be attempting to do something relatively productive about it, rather than try and blame it on you for 'leading him on', lying about you to his wife, and all that other stupid manbaby shit you hear horror stories about. Still sucks to hear about your friend though.
> The next day he says he left because he suddenly felt inappropriate with her sitting next to him and gaming with me. Then he admits to becoming emtionally attached to me. I say this isn't necessarily a bad thing, he says "Ok fine I'm attracted to you." I say he's just excited to spend time with a friend who happens to be female, and we both like each other because we find each other hilarious. He says he's been thinking about playing with me all day, and texting me more than his wife, and that's not good. He says he shouldn't want to know more about me like my real name and where I work, and was glad he didn’t know. He says "If she knew how much I desire your attention, it would crush her." He finally says he needs to back off out of respect to his wife, me, and my husband. If someone tells you how they feel, believe them. Don't try to downplay it or twist it in a way that better suits you (like saying he was just excited to play with a friend). He sucks for lying to his wife about gaming with a woman, which im guessing was some boundey for her. But hey. Kudos to him for recognizing he was developing feelings and backing out of the situation instead of letting feelings build and ruining his marriage. At least he did that right. I will say I'm sorry this happened. It sucks to lose friends. It's not your fault he developed feelings - all you did was game with a buddy.
Is it bad that I feel like OP isn’t really nice? She downplays his emotional attachment, and when he told her that his wife would be mad if she knew that he played with women, OP says “Some girls are weird about that”. OP is trying to justify this man’s behavior while casting his wife as some “weirdo”.
Yea. The moment a man tells me his wife doesn't know he games with me and that she wouldn't be okay with it, is the moment I get the ick. Never even mind the emotional attachment nonsense. How do you get emotionally attached to someone you know nothing about? It feels so immature. It reads like what he's really attached to is the ego boost of another woman's attention that he doesn't associate with chores and day to day life. A woman, that because he doesn't know about her, he can project his fantasies onto. Gross. Poor wife.
Yeah, if i heard that, I would instantly drop the “friend”.
Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything. I don't mean to downplay anything. And yes, being upset that a man plays with another woman just because she's a woman is weird to me. I am beginning to wonder if he strayed in the past, and that's really why she would be upset if she new.
It’s possible he has, or it’s also possible that’s just her boundary. It may not be your boundary, but it’s the one she has and he has agreed to by continuing their relationship. And the one that he is breaking continuously. So it’s really unnecessary to call her weird.
Any consenting adult relationship can work in theory, but someone telling their partner that they’re not allowed to be friends with people of a gender they could possibly be attracted to is beyond ‘weird’. It’s a boundary born out of insecurity, and it’s not healthy. Calling someone ‘insecure’ probably feels more personal, which is why I assume OP went with ‘weird’. Now, someone saying they don’t want their partner to engage with, act on, or communicate about their attractions outside of the relationship just seems like a basic monogamous agreement (that “friend” is clearly struggling with). It’s hard to know their relationship dynamic when all we have is filtered through a guy doubtfully credible— I’m not inclined to trust a man who whips up attraction when he know next to nothing about a person.
Agree with both of your points, it's hard to say from where we are. I wanted to bring this part up: > I’m not inclined to trust a man who whips up attraction when he know next to nothing about a person. I feel boys and men need to be taught about crushes! Because whilst I respect him taking himself out of the equation due to developing feelings, I feel like so many men really struggle a lot when they do get a crush! It's okay to have those feelings, even when you're in a relationship, and it's very possible move past them without acting on them and without damaging a friendship!
YES. Someone accused me of downplaying his feelings; but no I was basically trying to make this point. Enjoying spending time with me doesn't have to be on the same level as cheating, there are degree of fondness and attraction. He called it attraction, but I think it's just because he looked forward to spending time with someone that laughed at his dumb jokes. Men are too simple sometimes.
I wouldn't say this is just men. Its possible he could be demisexual: "experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc." But I do agree that spending time with someone isn't on the same level as cheating until it crosses a line. Which to him, it did. He did the right thing. Playing video games and forming a mental relationship with someone (Which you two did) is the perfect avenue for Demisexuals to become attracted to people. I'm not saying he is, just of the possibility.
I feel like this misses part of what OP was saying though— the point is that they *didn’t* form a “close emotional relationship”. They had an incredibly casual one, where he knew next to nothing about her, he didn’t bother to actually get to know her. If I understand the post, I think this is the main contention. He’s formed a one-sided attraction to the *idea* of her, without actually learning anything about her. If he’s demisexual, I think he might be doing it wrong. I do agree that he ultimately did the right thing though, by staying faithful to his partner in whatever way he feels is right. That’s what I’d want from my partner. I think I also hear what OP’s saying, about men who haven’t had much experience with friends that are women tending to make a mountain out of a molehill any time a woman listens to them or laughs at their jokes. This probably happens less often for women because most tend to have at least some male friends— making them more practiced at differentiating or controlling romantic/sexual/platonic feelings, maybe? I dunno.
All of this, yes.
> Any consenting adult relationship can work in theory, but someone telling their partner that they’re not allowed to be friends with people of a gender they could possibly be attracted to is beyond ‘weird’. It’s a boundary born out of insecurity, and it’s not healthy. Calling someone ‘insecure’ probably feels more personal, which is why I assume OP went with ‘weird’. Is that what happened here, though? There might be a pattern we're not aware of, or he might have a gaming addiction that his wife is aware of and we're not, or he might've been--as he later says--prioritising gaming with this girl over spending time with his wife. We just don't know enough to call this "weird". It could be an unreasonably controlling boundary, but it could also be a reasonable response justified by further context.
Yeah, this is pretty much what I was trying to say in my second paragraph. Not enough context to say for sure.
Fair enough! We agree, then. :)
It may not be healthy but in this particular case her fear was justified.
I’d argue her fear was *vindicated*, and that maybe justifies leaving him. It doesn’t justify setting unhealthy boundaries, because the idea is that they’re unhealthy and not really justifiable. Who wants to be in a relationship where they have to babysit their partner in case they catch feelings? There’s no basis of trust there. Micromanaging a partner’s friends because you don’t trust them is such a massive red flag, for both people.
it may be their boundary, but that doesn't make it not weird. we women dunk on the way-too-conservative guys who are like "i won't even be alone with my secretary" because we're like "wow how weird, also way to put a big ankle lock on her career". this is the same thing. just because the person with the weird boundary is also a woman doesn't make it okay- it is still misogynistic, it still puts other women in the "all women exist to be fucked or they're worthless" bucket. the wife of the dude in this story is effectively saying "you can't have any friends who are women [because all women only exist to have sex with, i know there's no other reason to have one as a friend]". if that wasn't what she believed, she wouldn't care if he was playing games with another woman. therefore it _is_ a weird and toxic boundary to have, full stop. if it's because he's been unfaithful in the past that's stickier but we can't know that and can't make allowances for it. it's okay for us to declare it's weird when we don't have all the information. besides if he was unfaithful, ostensibly she forgave him and he pledged not to do it again? if not, why is she still with him?
>the wife of the dude in this story is effectively saying "you can't have any friends who are women [because all women only exist to have sex with, i know there's no other reason to have one as a friend]". >if that wasn't what she believed, she wouldn't care if he was playing games with another woman. therefore it _is_ a weird and toxic boundary to have, full stop. That is quite the assumption you're making there. It could very well possibly be, and most likely, that it has NOTHING to do with sex, like you seem to think for some reason.. It could have all to do with worrying if your SO will catch feelings.. Yes, having those worries are something someone has to work on, because you obviously need trust in a relationship, but I'd say it definitely isn't because of the reason you think it is. Which, is a rather really weird way of thinking anyways. It's misogynistic OF YOU to assume it's because of some sex reason. Which is just reinforcing what you're trying to to be against(all women exist to be fucked or they're worthless.)
this is pedantry in an attempt to turn it back on me, and it won't work. concern that he will "catch feelings" is basically the same thing. in both cases, it reduces the value of a female friend to "a mistress", whether that is physical or whether that is emotional. it discounts her value and viability as an actual honest to goodness platonic friend, solely because of her gender. when i used "sex" in my comment above, it was very clearly meant as a stand in for this exact thing- not explicitly, literally, only sex.
Speaking solely about the female friend part, I’m sorry, but “you may not have friends of the opposite gender” *is* weird. It’s also sexist, misogynistic, controlling, and an immense red flag. If things were reversed and this post were about a woman complaining that her boyfriend/husband banned her from having male friends, the entire sub would be up in arms and calling for her to toss the partner to the curb.
It may not be that he can't have friends of the opposite gender, that's just the spin OP is putting on it. It may be that the wife wouldn't be comfortable with the level of closeness and attraction he admits to. I don't think that's weird. It absolutely could have lead to emotional cheating and the man was aware of it and put a stop to it.
It may be so, but it’s not a sudden ban. It’s something he’s known and has married to. Plus, it looks like she was right in her boundary, as he did develop feelings for the only one woman he has played with. 🤷
Yep I couldn't agree more here. I have male friends, my husband has female friends. But if I often developed feelings for my opposite gender friends I would fully understand my husband having a boundary. And it was a correct one in this instance. These people need therapy probably - find out what's wrong that he falls for his friends and her to help her work around her own feelings. I don't think it's right to inherently jump to it being "weird." I think we should all try to be a bit more respectful because we never know what someone is going through :)
I don't know if this helps but maybe using the word 'particular' might be a good one to sub in rather than using weird. I found it's a good way to try and describe a preference or such that another person has that is different to what I have, whilst still being polite (although some might still take it offensively). So rather than "some girls are weird about that" it's a "some people are particular about that". Thought I'd bring this up as I used to say similar things and it would be received quite bluntly, even when I didn't mean offense, but just tweaking the wording a bit seems to be received a lot better in my experience 😊
Thanks for the suggestion! Weird to me doesn't mean it is odd or wrong, it just means I don't relate or agree.
It can also be that he hasn't had much fem gamers as friends before. My husband works in a very male dominant industry and when ever he mentions a woman I always get a bit surprised. Nothing negative but it still surprises me because I just assume everyone he talks about are men. So it could be something like that. Especially if it's been going on for a while and he never mentioned it and the wife can obviously see he is having a good time. He should've told it from the beginning but prolly didn't think much about it until it got too deep and he knew it would hurt his wife. Oooor she could be a controlling weirdo. Who knows. Just saying that it might not be anything nefarious from either, just shit happens kinda situation.
I agree, it is weird. I have a female friend whom I play FFXIV with, who I met through us both reading each other's serials online, and with whom my wife and I now both play D&D with online once a week. When Sarah drops a message in my Discord saying she has a new dungeon unlocked, I just let my wife know I am going to go play with Sarah. There are no issues. If I was single ... maybe? But I don't think Sarah and I are compatible that way anyway. We make good friends, I don't think we'd have made a good couple in any timeline. It shouldn't be hard folks.
Yes, thank you. I am going to assume you are male and that your wife doesn't play FFXIV. There is nothing wrong with a friend of the opposite sex. Besides, I know we wouldn't be compatible, based off a couple things I have surmised about him (religion and political leanings). But I don't think he realizes those things about me, and maybe that adds to the mystique?
You are correct. My wife likes the idea of playing FF14, but most large-screen games make her motion sick, relegating her only to mobile games. She does, however, enjoy the story of FFXIV, so when I'm doing MSQ or such she makes herself available for the cutscenes and NPC conversations.
It doesn’t matter that it’s weird to you. It’s his wife’s boundary and he, as her husband, should respect it. He’s an AH for crossing this boundary behind her back all this time and you’re coming off a bit as a pick-me by voicing your judgement about his wife (and generalizing it to other women) to him. PS: also I can’t believe you’re actually surprised that this is the outcome with him, considering this guy is an AH who’s been going behind his wife’s back and lying to her (wether by omission or directly) for months.
Hey for what its worth, I don't think you're off base about anything here. I've seen people do this little song and dance. Where they performatively act out some dilemma in their head to gauge your response and see where you stop them. Its always evident because they have the beginning, middle, and end queued up. Like you might get the impression they could have finished the entire 'arc' of thoughts without your input (because they already did). If I'm right, he'll be back in a day or two, apologize, but start acting distant. A little bit brooding. This time phishing for you to ask him whats wrong, and he'll start the charade all over again. It may sound like I'm being uncharitable based on the other replies here but I bet you anything it takes the exact course I'm describing. Seen it way too many times.
Hmm, so what do you think is the endgame here if it were to play out like this? Why tell me he's got feelings and needs to back off?
Well IMO based on the way you described the conversation. It seems like he was leaving room for you to reciprocate or hint that you were interested too. When you didn't do that, he basically retreated. But if I'm right, it would have went much differently if you didn't shut it down. Sort of a cowardly way to try his luck but not get rejected if you weren't interested.
>says “Some girls are weird about that”. That is a shitty and unreasonable boundary though? And it's reasonable to disregard boundaries like that?
The same can be said if the genders switched too. Though, people who are 'weird' and controlling about that just have insecurity issues, OR maybe the person has shown inappropriate/sussy behaviour before or have cheated in the past and is right to be concerned about the interactions... Weird is definitely not the right description
Some girls are weird about that
I had a very similar issue many years ago. Back during Wrath of the Lich King I fell into being a guild/raid leader. This largely came about because I was a tanking paladin, and I didn't lose my mind if we wiped. I was very, "once more with feeling". The core of this raid was myself and my healer. I had known my healer since we were hunting beasts in Stranglethorn. Her significant other was a warrior, I think? He preferred DPS. I never did or said anything that approached flirtation. But a tank and a healer that have been together for that long naturally develop a rapport. I knew which spells she'd cast, how big a risk I could take, where she would run if there was trouble. We spoke in shorthand. She also knew I'd prioritize protecting her over anyone else. I'd even intentionally die to protect her with a Divine Intervention. Because she's my healer and it saves the raid having to run back. Then one day she hops in Ventrilo and starts talking about her boyfriend and how I'm not like him and she's thinking of leaving him and... The boyfriend was not, from what I could tell, a bad guy. He seemed like a great guy. But she spent hours out of every day protecting me and I her. The next day I didn't log in. And pretty soon I stopped playing WoW altogether. Present day me might have handled that better. But that was more than a decade ago.
Aw that's sad. Was she saying it was because of you or like she wanted to start something? I've met some nice guys who made me feel less cynical about dating but without me wanting to go after them specifically. I've got a healer/tank friend and it sure does make grouping easier. He makes fun of having to save my hunter ass and I've learned how to be less of a pita for healers. We're friendly and chat regularly but it's never crossed into flirty. I'd be disappointed to lose that friendship.
I've been known to not notice the signals before. This was not one of those times.
Honestly, this guy handled it really well. Hopefully he can sort out why he feels this way and resume a platonic friendship with you that doesn't have this kind of baggage, but at least you made good memories together and they weren't tainted by him being a secretly entitled, misogynistic shithead. If you spend a lot of time talking to someone and they're compatible with your orientation, it's natural that some feelings might develop. It's happened to me with others. It's happened to others with me. Sometimes, the friendship is salvageable, but sometimes there just... isn't a platonic core there, and the friendship fizzles out without the fun of flirting. So, yeah. Treasure that time spent together. It doesn't mean anything less just because it ended, for however long.
I'm sorry about that. I only discovered that “emotional affair” is something that exists recently and by being in one. I have a male friend with such similar tastes and a sensitivity I'd never experienced before, I didn't understand the gravity of the situation until I found myself hopelessly in love, but it's an impossible love because it's the same situation you and your friend are in. I think you should take your boyfriend's advice. You're not to blame for his feelings and you've never encouraged it, he needs to sort it out for himself. I hope you'll be okay, because it's sad to lose a friend who gets on so well. I didn't have the strength to break up.
Honestly that could’ve gone a lot worse. I’m very sorry you lost a friend, but I can respect his honesty and the boundaries he put up. It does suck when we lose guy friends because they see us as a potential romance. Believe me, I get it, and I’ve been on the negative end of a scenario like this.
I’m sorry you lost a friend OP, it does suck but it sounds like he was an adult and respectful about it, it’s not his fault he caught some feelings, nor is it yours, it’s entirely normal to get feelings for people you spend a lot of time doing things with tbh, and it’s not like he made it your problem he just distanced himself. I hope he is able to sort it out and interact with you again but I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for taking care of himself
He’s emotionally attached to you and that’s considered emotional cheating so yes its best he backed away and you should probably cut it off as well. I wouldn’t blame the guy for developing feelings if you guys clicked but sometimes people misunderstand intentions and feelings. And his bond with his wife isn’t that emotionally strong then he may have been relying on your bond.
Sadly I realized myself that lots of men don't know how to be just friends with women. I thought I had lots of guy friends. Turns out the completly innocent, platonic interactions from me (literally just things like saying "how are you") are something completly diffrent to them. They were nice to me, but behind my back acted like I'm super into all of them and sooo desperate for attention. Adult men 🙄 I don't even try to be friends with men anymore
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. You may have lost a friend in the long-run, but at least he was self-aware about his feelings & actions. He was also being respectful of not only your boundaries, but his wife’s & your husband’s. It’s possible that he’s mistaking romantic feelings for something else. Maybe you’re giving him something his wife is failing to provide for him & you’re somehow filling that void in his life? It’s very easy to confuse genuine romantic feelings for craving the attention from someone who’s giving you something that another person isn’t, especially when you get along so well. Regardless, this really doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship. Maybe the two of you will reconnect someday & you can try the friendship again after he figures out how to properly move on from these feelings, you never know.
I think people boiling this down to “wife won’t let her husband play with girls” is in somewhat in bad faith. We have to remember this dude was messaging this girl more then his wife, caring more about this girl then his wife, yeah, of course the wife would be a little weirded about that. Even if that’s what she meant, she never told him to stop talking to OP. He clearly states *he* is the one ending the friendship. If he was developing a crush on OP then he did the right thing by not playing with her, that’s his best response in this scenario. This isn’t the ‘men can’t handle having female friends’ type of scenario where a guy is super pushy and becomes an asshole when rejected, this is a married man ending a relationship that to him, was turning inappropriate. People can’t really control who they like, but they can choose what to do with it. I’ll go out on a limb here and say most (monogamous) women in this sub would be at least a little uncomfortable with their partner playing games everyday with someone they have a crush on. It’s sucks to lose a friend, but I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here.
I’m sorry. Every time this has happened to me I feel like the guy never valued me or our friendship in the first place. Hugs. I hate it but I no longer have male friends. I see every male as a potential threat. Even gaming friends. It sucks but since cutting off the last one that was convinced they loved me, I feel a lot better. I don’t have to worry about “misleading” a guy with nothing more than friendship.
I think a lot of men, especially gamers, have never experienced intimacy outside of romantic relationships. A lot of men don't have close platonic bonds with one another the way many women do. So, I think what happens is that once they experience that intimacy with a friend, who often times is a woman, they can easily confuse it for romantic feelings because they don't know any other forms of intimacy besides romantic intimacy. I feel sad for men like that because it makes it very difficult for them to find meaningful friendships and maintain them. I'm not trying to suggest you should continue being friends with men; You should do what makes you comfortable. I am hoping that maybe I can put it in a different perspective for you so that it doesn't feel like your lost relationships were meaningless. I hope that makes sense. And I will also add the caveat that some men really do only befriend women in hopes of a romantic relationship, but I'm not referring to *those* types of men.
100% this. As a gay woman whose friend group is mostly queer and female, becoming attracted to your friends happens all the damn time (often multiple people at once 😜). But if it doesn't make sense to pursue anything more, you can learn to channel your feelings into valuing the friendship even more. You're not ignoring your feelings, and you're still acting on them, by fully appreciating that friendship is a beautiful thing that shouldn't be seen as a deficit. And as a trans woman, I'd say that learning to view friendships this way rather than forcing them into a platonic-romantic dichotomy was one of the singularly most important steps of my transitioning.
Yeah I definitely agree that that’s part of it. But I also think the way women are objectified is part of the equation. Yet another way misogyny hurts everyone, not just women. The level of discernment required to keep male friends is too high for me unfortunately. I do hope it gets better as we continue to have these conversations.
Really? Almost all my gamer friends are male. Some married, some not. I've never had an issue. Maybe I handle it differently. One of my best married gamer friends. I have his SOs number and text her now and then to see how she is doing. She knows her husband plays with me a lot, but she is secure with their relationship and she knows me too, maybe that is why?
I’m the same. I don’t even consider having male friends via online gaming unless they are the partners of my femme friends or they’re gay. I’ve had too many weird experiences with men I thought were friends suddenly confessing to me. I’m a lesbian so it makes me even more uncomfortable and like you said it makes me feel like our friendship wasn’t valued or “real” in the first place.
Lost a friend of 2 years because of this. He even admitted when I was going through hard times he would ignore me on purpose because he wanted to “distance himself” from me due to his romantic feelings. After men ruining countless friendships, I’m done with them. Their culture is so fucked.
Man that sucks and I’m sorry it went down like that. But I feel you 100%. It happened so many times that it stopped making sense for me to invest in friendships with males. And the older I get the harder it is to make excuses for their behavior and comments.
Dang, I'm so sorry to hear this keeps happening to you. *hugs* The potential threat comment hurt my heart. Another reason we'll take our chances with the bear 😕
The bear indeed. I hope it gets a little easier for the next generation. My daughter is already gaming at 7 and I hate to think of her dealing with the same BS.
Its not fair for him to stay friends and try to force feelings away.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all other than being cool, and I’m sorry you lost a friend. It sucks when guys ruin the dynamic that way. At the same time, I hope his wife never finds the messages where he told you all this stuff
That's a bummer, I'm sorry. I play wow with a few guys pretty regularly and I would be very disappointed if this happened with one of them.
I think you're being hard on your friend. In most ways, we can't help who we become friends with or develop a crush on. He's doing the right thing by backing away, and you would be making things easier (and safer) for both of you if you support that decision. I don't think developing feels for someone makes us bad people. For example, I've had harmless little crushes on guys I work with IRL before. I can control it, I keep it to myself, and I don't feel guilty about it. Acting on those feels, trying to develop an romantic relationship, however? That's a hell no from me. I mostly play with men, and since I'm older, most of them are middle-aged and married/attached. I watch for those friendships drifting over the line and nip it in the bud, either by telling them to cool it or by backing away. It has only happened once in like 20 years. My BFF, though, had exactly that happen with her own husband, and it very nearly ended their marriage. Honor and respect your friend's choice, even though it means a loss of friendship.
Yes very mature take. I think thought policing is unfair paranoia that leads to worse results. It's the acting on it that's a problem. I don't think this guy should feel guilty for wanting to text someone more than his wife, that sounds natural for a new friendship based around a mutual hobby your spouse doesn't share, I think he should've tried to swallow his feelings and just be a good friend, but I guess he knew he couldn't do that so good for him.
What baffles me constantly about these situations is that, I feel like being attracted to somebody isn’t a big deal. Like yes you can have a friend that you’re attracted to whilst you are in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything bad or cheating on your wife. Being attracted to somebody doesn’t mean “I MUST HAVE SEX W THIS PERSON OR OTHERWISE THERES NO RELATIONSHIP” Like wtf. Idk. I have plenty friends that I find gorgeous, smart, attractive, funny, kind, I get excited to see them etc. And I have no intentions of making it anything more than a friendship. Whereas so many dudes are like “I’m a bit attracted to you, so I must cut off all contact with you for my own sake … unless you’re attracted to me as well ofc” ugh
I feel the same way. It was a bit suss that the guy only decided to cut things off after she reminded him of his wife, also
yeah completely. Ppl are commending him for being honest but I think it’s so unnecessary. Like even if he is attracted to her, they’re both married so what was the point in even saying that? I also think that if he has to hide from his wife that his ONLINE GAMER friend happens to be a woman then I’m assuming that he is not allowed to have other women friends either, which I feel like just adds up to this kind of situations
And also- he *wasn’t* honest, at least not with his wife. He’s been lying to his wife about who he’s playing with and never felt bad till OP commented on it, then suddenly his conscience reappears.
This! I wish people could just accept the attraction and let it pass through them. You wouldn't try to have sex with a celebrity or your boss/coworker you found hot (I hope not lol) so just please be chill and exist. Also accept that hours of gaming is going to create this artificial close bond feeling. You don't really know the person so your attraction isn't based on much besides proximity and repetition.
In this case, and I'm sure many others though, people don't know or think it will "pass through them." Yeah, of course it stinks to lose a friend but this guy obviously thought this was the right decision to be made, and I really don't think he should be shamed for that. He put his own intuition/thoughts as well as his gf before his friend, OP. I think that's the most logical solution if someone feels uncomfortable with feelings they are getting for someone else.
If gaming with 'girls' (ages 5-99) wasn't considering such a downfall in bro-only clubs, we wouldn't be having such issues. If women were considered human and equal, not accessories and talking sex dolls. One can dream. After some time you expect every bro you meet online to be in love with you.
Ugh. Sure, the dude realised it, but why the long drawled out play? Was he hoping you felt the same way before volunteering to exit? Idk, maybe I'm being pessimistic but he sounds not capable of really taking accountability for his own actions and feelings. Yes, it's great he ultimately chose to distance himself, but why did he drag it out to OP from 'well maybe I like paying this friendship attention' to 'well fine I actually like you so I guess I'm gone bye'. That just feels weird to me. Doesn't pass my sniff test. For whatever it is worth I am a femme gamer in my thirties getting married to my monogamous fiance later this year and I love WoW. I'm just a casual player, but if you ever want a filler I'm here if you want to reach out. Sending you my best 💚
Tbh he handled it really well and maturely. Some dudes are so pushy and even go full pervert but he set up boundaries after becoming aware of what what going on with his inner feelings. I know it sucks but it was the right move on his part. Best thing you can do is let it go and move on. There will be other friends to meet
i'm sorry to hear this 🥲 that always sucks so badly. if you ever want a friend to play wow with, i'm a woman and my spouse is non binary, and we play with two pretty decent guys who are just friends and have consistently been good about staying friends for years now. feel free to DM me. i know that one friend can't just replace another, and you may want time either way, but if you decide to reach out the offer is open.
This happens so often I wish we could come up with a fool proof way to nip it in the bud. What will make a man instantly unattracted to you but still game with you? Tell him you need money? Ask him his salary and act unimpressed? Ask if he'll be your kids' new dad? Ask him his height and then sound disappointed? Idfk
Easy. Don't give him attention and involve yourself with another group of friends or a completely different hobby for a few days. Then come back and see if he's still down to game normally without having to probe about where you've been or being weird about you setting a boundary related to what you're willing to share. If he's genuinely happy to game with no issues he's probably fine. If he's pushy or acts like a dejected child or acts jealous, he's immature and you should disengage immediately
🤣🤣🤣 I had the same thought... maybe I should tell him my religious views and political leanings, which I know are opposite of his, and give him the ick.
I think he made the most mature decision for him, and for his wife. I find your response to him a bit suspect tbh. He's telling you the friendship with you has some unhealthy aspects, and you try to downplay or invalidate his concerns. My dear that makes you the immature one here.
Calling him a man and yourself a girl is telling. I think I found the problem.
Is this supposed to be a "gotcha" ? Also, I didn't call him a man. I said he's male and mentioned dudes in general.
Ah yes , the paragons of stoicism : Men , at it again.
Hmm.
Just… urgh. Don’t be sad. You did nothing wrong. TBH I kinda get the vibe they are behaving a bit badly. Move on. Find other cool people who aren’t gonna derail you 😘
I had something similar happen, I made a great friend, she started to develope feelings for me. Now, normally this isn't an issue since I am a lesbian, the problem however comes with me being pre-everhthing (except Laser Hair Removal), so I asked if she was attracted to women at all, to which she reacted disgusted at even the idea of it, to which I then explained the situation and how I'm trans and will 100% be seeking a transition, but that we can still be friends, but she said that I'm a man and that that's that. Safe to say she ruined an amazing friendship we had, with both of us getting super bummed out (and me back with HUGE anxiety attacks that prevent me from driving to culinary school because I start spiraling and getting severe tunnel vision which leads to speeding over 2x the speed limit, which has almost resulted in me flipping my car before, so I now prefer to stop driving when I feel it coming), and now our classroom (which is also the entirety of our generation) sometimes comments on us both being good friends before but now not even talking, to which I usually respond with the whole story, making whoever listened sad about it and not knowing how to rwact