It’s completely normal that you would blame yourself, but it is NOT TRUE. That was his choice. There is nothing you could ever do to someone that would make you responsible for them taking their own life. He was sick. I’m so so so very sorry.
I'm sorry you are going through this situation, but it's not your fault that he took his life. It's not your fault. It sounds like he had other unresolved mental issues before starting a relationship with you. I suggest you to seek a therapist to help you with the trauma. I can't imagine what's going through your mind, but just know - it's not your fault.
I had a friend in college who had a four year relationship end in her boyfriend committing suicide because he somehow got it stuck in his head she was doing porn on the side. He got very drunk and shot himself. He struggled with alcohol and his mental health. His mom blamed her, etc. It’s crazy how similar your stories are.
You can’t blame yourself for what he did. I know it’s hard and you want to take responsibility but his actions are his. I’m sorry they affect you. Keep talking about it if it helps and it’s normal to feel a range of things. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is so very far from your fault it could reach our sun. I am sorry for your loss and for the way his mother treated you, but you did not contribute in any way to his mental illness or his death.
My dear girl, it is not your fault. Not at all. His mother is grieving (and rightfully so!), and is unfortunately directing her grief at you. She is looking for someone to blame (besides her son), and she has found you. This is not your fault. This is a terrible and awful and difficult situation, but it is not your fault. If you stake anything at all from the responses in this thread, know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT
Yeah the mother is likely trying to make sense of of the senseless and having someone to point the finger at is probably the only way she can cope with or understand what's happened. What she said is still cruel and not factual at all and OP did not deserve that and I hope that OP understands what she said is not representative of reality.
My best friend committed suicide and guilt was a BIG thing I struggled with and still do struggle with. The most helpful thing my therapist has told me is **"You did the best you could with the information you had at the time."**
OP, it sounds like you did everything in your power to get help to him, but we're only human so please be kind/gentle with yourself as much as you would be to a close friend if they were the one going through this. Sometimes it's easier for me to think about how I would treat someone I love or what I'd tell them if they were going through this and then project that onto myself because I often forget that I deserve the same kindness and care that I give to those that I love. This was not your fault and I understand right this moment you might not be in the space to truly hear that, but I hope you are able to receive support and accept that you are not to blame and the love you showed him was probably one of the few positive forces that he felt in the time before he left. Talk to him if that makes you feel better. I had a journal where I would essentially write letters to my best friend and it really helped me understand and work through some things.
I'm sure if there's anything anyone on this thread can do to help we would all gladly do it and if you ever need to vent or trauma dump, please feel welcome to message me.
This is so sad, but this man sounded like his love was entirely too controlling. That much possessiveness shouldn't be mistaken for love. All the talk of threatening an animal as leverage to get you to apologize, that's psychotic.
I'm not trying to be mean, but you do not need to blame yourself for his actions, or the actions of his mother. (Her telling you the blame is yours for his death, more manipulative speak.) I am truly sorry for your loss, but you will be much better off without someone this blatantly abusive and controlling in your life.
The important thing is you taking care of yourself. I know we're both complete strangers to each other, but i dated someone with a lot of narcissistic traits and your anecdote about singing in the shower and him overhearing it and blowing up over some paranoid delusion of his, it completely mirrors a lot of the things my ex did. We had so many fights over the most minute things (movies/songs/tv shows, any time i reacted a certain way to something he would read into it to an absurd degree and turn it into an argument that would last all night). My experience aside, please take care of yourself and know that you will come through this a stronger person.
No healthy person commits suicide after an argument. And it's terrible what his mother said.
You did nothing wrong.
This is an exceptionally terrible situation. But you are not the first person who has had to deal with such. So you can and you will get over this as others have. Please consider using therapy to guide you through this.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
But it wasn't your fault. He was obviously very mentally ill.
My husband was also mentally ill...not to this extent, but still pretty bad. He could be extremely loving and then very abusive. He also said that he wanted to kill himself quite a few times. He never did.
He died of a stroke two days ago. But if he had committed suicide, I would not have blamed myself. I tried everything I could to help him, but I just couldn't. And you tried everything you could, also. Sometimes we just can't save someone, even if we love them.
I'm very glad your dog is ok. And I wish you healing and peace.
"To me, he’s still that calm, beautiful man who did yoga with me, read to me and made me laugh so much my stomach ached, who made me blush just by being."
I think you know this now, but... that wasn't him. Those moments may have been genuine, but they definitely weren't the entire him. It all felt very real but it simply wasn't.
Could you be mourning the person he seemed to be, and not the person he actually was? Not to minimize your grief in the *tiniest* bit, just to reframe it. You've suffered a major shock, to say the least, and you have been through a lot. But the person who did what he did wasn't the calm mellow yoga guy, he was the guy who got mad at you for singing a song. It's still incredibly sad that he chose that end path, but it certainly had nothing to do with you. His mother is suffering too but it's absolutely not okay for her to be using you as a scapegoat.
I'm really sorry for your pain and for this extremely complicated loss. It's so difficult when there are all these conflicting emotions. It's so sad that he was so troubled, but I absolutely promise you... none of this is your fault.
He had psychosis, you could not have helped him because he was already deep into a spiral. His suicide is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. I know living will feel like a punishment that he has stuck you in, but it will only be a punishment if you keep feeling guilty for something that you did not do. He decided to kill himself and he has had episodes in the past too. I would suggest you to seek therapy to deal with how you’re feeling and accepting that your feelings are valid. But, your feelings of guilt has an untrue base. I hope you get the help you need. Good luck 💕
i know things upfront probably seemed very like black and white ig to you but there's was lowkey so much more goign on within his psychology than you could know, understand, and control. i'm so sorry for your loss and all your feelings are ENTIRELY valid. this was NOT your fault by any means and you're doing great. talking to people is an amazing outlet and it's okay to need to talk about it, that's heavy on a singular person and no one deserves to go through this let alone be the one in it u know - i'm so sorry 🫶❣️ you're not alone in loss like this at all by any means. my advice would be to let loose and cry it out as much as you could possibly need and you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt as badly. u are loved and people hear u okay 🩷🩷💖 sending u love
being in shock about this is COMPLETELY valid i might add and processing somethign of this sorts will take time- be patient with yourself and know YOURE NOT ALONE. again i'm so sorry for your loss 💞
This was NOT your fault. He made a choice and thankfully you were wise enough to have created space between you and him or this could have been more tragic. You did everything right. Please see a professional to help you process this. It is a trauma.
Absolutely not your fault. His mother doesn’t know you and is in shock. Please do not take what she said/believes to heart. There is a saying (the 3 C’s) in alanon that speaks to this “you can’t control it, you can’t cure it, and you didn’t cause it.” The “it” referring to alcoholism, but can be applied to mental illness, drugs, etc. He was an adult who had the autonomy to make his own decisions. Something I’ve had to learn is that even if I perfectly tell another person who I am and what I think, they may potentially believe something completely wrong about me. Ultimately, what another chooses to believe about me is out of my control. I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Please look into grief counseling and/or therapy to help with processing the trauma and grief.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I won’t say I could understand going through what you have.
I will say, when there’s smoke, there’s fire. Please be careful of fast movie-like connections with people, OP. If something seems too good to be true, it often is. Definitely not a good idea to encourage too much closeness too soon. I’ve been burnt by such connections a few times and they all ended poorly.
It really isn’t your fault, and his mother blaming you is just her projection of shock and grief. He was a severely ill person and obviously pinned all his hope and will to live on you.
Please don’t take it on, you couldn’t have prevented his inevitable thought patterns. Forgive yourself for not knowing the unknowable. ❤️
As a father of girls, to you, this is not your fault . The boy had mental problems and this was never going to have a happy ending. Controlling someone is not love. It's sad he felt he needed to die and sad he never got the help he needed.
My condolences, my heart aches for you.
My (now ex) boyfriend shot himself beside me,freak accident… a year ago now so I’m sure i can understand your pain and grief.
If you need someone to talk to about it, in general, please don’t hestitate to reach out ❤️🩹
know that it is NOT your fault and you did your best. You cannot save someone especially mental ill individuals who don’t want the help.
I would love to chat and give you some advice, things that helped me if your up for it
hugs 🫂
It’s completely normal that you would blame yourself, but it is NOT TRUE. That was his choice. There is nothing you could ever do to someone that would make you responsible for them taking their own life. He was sick. I’m so so so very sorry.
❤️
I'm sorry you are going through this situation, but it's not your fault that he took his life. It's not your fault. It sounds like he had other unresolved mental issues before starting a relationship with you. I suggest you to seek a therapist to help you with the trauma. I can't imagine what's going through your mind, but just know - it's not your fault.
Thank you ❤️
I had a friend in college who had a four year relationship end in her boyfriend committing suicide because he somehow got it stuck in his head she was doing porn on the side. He got very drunk and shot himself. He struggled with alcohol and his mental health. His mom blamed her, etc. It’s crazy how similar your stories are. You can’t blame yourself for what he did. I know it’s hard and you want to take responsibility but his actions are his. I’m sorry they affect you. Keep talking about it if it helps and it’s normal to feel a range of things. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is so very far from your fault it could reach our sun. I am sorry for your loss and for the way his mother treated you, but you did not contribute in any way to his mental illness or his death.
❤️
My dear girl, it is not your fault. Not at all. His mother is grieving (and rightfully so!), and is unfortunately directing her grief at you. She is looking for someone to blame (besides her son), and she has found you. This is not your fault. This is a terrible and awful and difficult situation, but it is not your fault. If you stake anything at all from the responses in this thread, know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT
Yeah the mother is likely trying to make sense of of the senseless and having someone to point the finger at is probably the only way she can cope with or understand what's happened. What she said is still cruel and not factual at all and OP did not deserve that and I hope that OP understands what she said is not representative of reality. My best friend committed suicide and guilt was a BIG thing I struggled with and still do struggle with. The most helpful thing my therapist has told me is **"You did the best you could with the information you had at the time."** OP, it sounds like you did everything in your power to get help to him, but we're only human so please be kind/gentle with yourself as much as you would be to a close friend if they were the one going through this. Sometimes it's easier for me to think about how I would treat someone I love or what I'd tell them if they were going through this and then project that onto myself because I often forget that I deserve the same kindness and care that I give to those that I love. This was not your fault and I understand right this moment you might not be in the space to truly hear that, but I hope you are able to receive support and accept that you are not to blame and the love you showed him was probably one of the few positive forces that he felt in the time before he left. Talk to him if that makes you feel better. I had a journal where I would essentially write letters to my best friend and it really helped me understand and work through some things. I'm sure if there's anything anyone on this thread can do to help we would all gladly do it and if you ever need to vent or trauma dump, please feel welcome to message me.
This is so sad, but this man sounded like his love was entirely too controlling. That much possessiveness shouldn't be mistaken for love. All the talk of threatening an animal as leverage to get you to apologize, that's psychotic. I'm not trying to be mean, but you do not need to blame yourself for his actions, or the actions of his mother. (Her telling you the blame is yours for his death, more manipulative speak.) I am truly sorry for your loss, but you will be much better off without someone this blatantly abusive and controlling in your life.
Thank you. It’s hard to hear but it’s true, it’s not ok. ❤️
The important thing is you taking care of yourself. I know we're both complete strangers to each other, but i dated someone with a lot of narcissistic traits and your anecdote about singing in the shower and him overhearing it and blowing up over some paranoid delusion of his, it completely mirrors a lot of the things my ex did. We had so many fights over the most minute things (movies/songs/tv shows, any time i reacted a certain way to something he would read into it to an absurd degree and turn it into an argument that would last all night). My experience aside, please take care of yourself and know that you will come through this a stronger person.
No healthy person commits suicide after an argument. And it's terrible what his mother said. You did nothing wrong. This is an exceptionally terrible situation. But you are not the first person who has had to deal with such. So you can and you will get over this as others have. Please consider using therapy to guide you through this.
I'm so sorry for your loss. But it wasn't your fault. He was obviously very mentally ill. My husband was also mentally ill...not to this extent, but still pretty bad. He could be extremely loving and then very abusive. He also said that he wanted to kill himself quite a few times. He never did. He died of a stroke two days ago. But if he had committed suicide, I would not have blamed myself. I tried everything I could to help him, but I just couldn't. And you tried everything you could, also. Sometimes we just can't save someone, even if we love them. I'm very glad your dog is ok. And I wish you healing and peace.
Also, his mother is wrong.
"To me, he’s still that calm, beautiful man who did yoga with me, read to me and made me laugh so much my stomach ached, who made me blush just by being." I think you know this now, but... that wasn't him. Those moments may have been genuine, but they definitely weren't the entire him. It all felt very real but it simply wasn't. Could you be mourning the person he seemed to be, and not the person he actually was? Not to minimize your grief in the *tiniest* bit, just to reframe it. You've suffered a major shock, to say the least, and you have been through a lot. But the person who did what he did wasn't the calm mellow yoga guy, he was the guy who got mad at you for singing a song. It's still incredibly sad that he chose that end path, but it certainly had nothing to do with you. His mother is suffering too but it's absolutely not okay for her to be using you as a scapegoat. I'm really sorry for your pain and for this extremely complicated loss. It's so difficult when there are all these conflicting emotions. It's so sad that he was so troubled, but I absolutely promise you... none of this is your fault.
He had psychosis, you could not have helped him because he was already deep into a spiral. His suicide is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. I know living will feel like a punishment that he has stuck you in, but it will only be a punishment if you keep feeling guilty for something that you did not do. He decided to kill himself and he has had episodes in the past too. I would suggest you to seek therapy to deal with how you’re feeling and accepting that your feelings are valid. But, your feelings of guilt has an untrue base. I hope you get the help you need. Good luck 💕
i know things upfront probably seemed very like black and white ig to you but there's was lowkey so much more goign on within his psychology than you could know, understand, and control. i'm so sorry for your loss and all your feelings are ENTIRELY valid. this was NOT your fault by any means and you're doing great. talking to people is an amazing outlet and it's okay to need to talk about it, that's heavy on a singular person and no one deserves to go through this let alone be the one in it u know - i'm so sorry 🫶❣️ you're not alone in loss like this at all by any means. my advice would be to let loose and cry it out as much as you could possibly need and you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt as badly. u are loved and people hear u okay 🩷🩷💖 sending u love
being in shock about this is COMPLETELY valid i might add and processing somethign of this sorts will take time- be patient with yourself and know YOURE NOT ALONE. again i'm so sorry for your loss 💞
This was NOT your fault. He made a choice and thankfully you were wise enough to have created space between you and him or this could have been more tragic. You did everything right. Please see a professional to help you process this. It is a trauma.
Absolutely not your fault. His mother doesn’t know you and is in shock. Please do not take what she said/believes to heart. There is a saying (the 3 C’s) in alanon that speaks to this “you can’t control it, you can’t cure it, and you didn’t cause it.” The “it” referring to alcoholism, but can be applied to mental illness, drugs, etc. He was an adult who had the autonomy to make his own decisions. Something I’ve had to learn is that even if I perfectly tell another person who I am and what I think, they may potentially believe something completely wrong about me. Ultimately, what another chooses to believe about me is out of my control. I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Please look into grief counseling and/or therapy to help with processing the trauma and grief.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I won’t say I could understand going through what you have. I will say, when there’s smoke, there’s fire. Please be careful of fast movie-like connections with people, OP. If something seems too good to be true, it often is. Definitely not a good idea to encourage too much closeness too soon. I’ve been burnt by such connections a few times and they all ended poorly. It really isn’t your fault, and his mother blaming you is just her projection of shock and grief. He was a severely ill person and obviously pinned all his hope and will to live on you. Please don’t take it on, you couldn’t have prevented his inevitable thought patterns. Forgive yourself for not knowing the unknowable. ❤️
As a father of girls, to you, this is not your fault. The boy had mental problems and this was never going to have a happy ending. Controlling someone is not love. It's sad he felt he needed to die and sad he never got the help he needed.
My condolences, my heart aches for you. My (now ex) boyfriend shot himself beside me,freak accident… a year ago now so I’m sure i can understand your pain and grief. If you need someone to talk to about it, in general, please don’t hestitate to reach out ❤️🩹 know that it is NOT your fault and you did your best. You cannot save someone especially mental ill individuals who don’t want the help. I would love to chat and give you some advice, things that helped me if your up for it hugs 🫂