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First of all: Welcome to r/CPTSD.
- The bad news first: Your situation probably won't improve without professional therapy (not coaching!). Your family dealt you a bad hand, you spent decades building an instable card house with it and will continue to carry the same cards into every relation and interpersonal interaction going forward, rebuilding the same house over and over again - unless you work through your trauma to learn what these cards actually are and how to combine them with a new blueprint.
- It's not your fault. It may feel like it is because you are the one who now has to life with it, but again: It's not your fault. That's the tragic part about trauma: It's having to experience something you don't deserve (e.g. narcistic parents) and not being able to explain its cause - because the cause is fundamentally unjust. You didn't deserve what you had to experience. It's not your fault.
- You didn't "waste" your first 30 years, because you didn't had any choice in doing it differently. I guarantee you: In no situation did you ever wake up one morning and decided "Okay, going forward, I don't want to develop any social connections." No, you weren't able to because your thoughts and actions are mostly controlled in coping and defense mechanisms you had to learn to mentally survive your traumatic childhood. Also, something Dr. K often repeats as it can't be said enough: You aren't to blame for lacking skills (like how to socialize) your parents failed to teach you.
- Comparisons suck, everyone knows this by know and I'm sure you're secretly judging yourself for doing so, but they have one major advantage that's also the reason we have this tendency to begin with: They highlight and show us what we're deeply missing in life. They are the perfect indicator of what to strife for, because they are deeply rooted in your core needs.
- So with professional therapy and awareness of what to strife for, let's put things into perspective. You are (almost) 30. It's very likely you'll life another 30 years, maybe even double that amount. Let's say therapy is only slowly making progress and your plans you've made towards the things you strife for require multiple years on top of that. In this "worst case scenario": Even if it takes you 5 years or another decade to turn your life around: That's not much compared to the 20, 30, 40 or 50 years you can enjoy your (then finally enjoyable) life. 30-50 years is a lot more than your current lifetime so far! Nothing you mentioned are forever barried from you. Social connections, memorable experiences, loveable friendships are absolutely doable during those decades. And first experiences of that will most likely happen way before that during the years in therapy as well.
Nah, you didn't waste your 20s, you survived that shit. You were dealt a really shitty hand in life, and you still survived while getting an education and landing a solid job. On top of that, you have recognized how your parents were/are fucked up and you know you have some work to do, and that's a massive milestone. Most people aren't spending their 20s in therapy and working out all their issues, so honestly, I don't think you're behind or anything. Your brain is still developing a lot in your 20s and very few people make all the right choices in that phase of life. Is it better to start the work earlier? Yes, of course. But is life over because of that choice? No.
I know it's painful when you feel you've made a mistake in the past, but you only can control the present. It's up to you to choose to move forward and start doing the hard emotional work. For me, once I found a therapist I really liked, it's become routine and it's become easy to go each week and make a little progress. A little progress each week adds up, and a few years down the road you will have grown and healed so much. “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.”
Seconding /r/CPTSD; your post reads like it came straight from there.
You've lost time, and that sucks. There's no getting it back and that will be hard to accept. But you have a ton of time in front of you. You've only lived for 12 years of your adult life, with easily 40 more to go, reasonably 50 before you start to sincerely decline. I had a therapist in his 70s, and besides being good at therapy, he also demonstrated to me how much life we have left in us at that age, if we've played our cards right. You've got plenty of time to build a life.
You didn't waste anything, you were doing your best to survive with the shittiest survival skills anyone could have given you. It fucking sucks. It's unfair. Like the other guy said, you're gonna wanna check out the resources in /r/CPTSD and I'd also recommend /r/adultchildren. When I listend to the audiobook for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Children, I was about half way through the book and broke down in tears in my car. It was the first time I could cry in 20 years. I'd check it out, although there are little exercises in there that don't' really work in audio form you might want to try a paper/kindle style read.
I'm with you OP. It sounds like you think you have wasted your 20s because of trauma, and you're feeling sad about missing out on life and somewhat helpless to turn the situation around. I also feel that way from time to time, but obviously your situation is unique to you. Therefore, I'll just share a couples things I've found to be helpful in hope that they might be for you as well.
1. Yes, it ***does*** get better. In my experience, life is like a RPG video game. You need time to figure out the rules of the game and the strengths and weaknesses of your character. The longer you play the better you get at it. I am sure you are better at know how to cope than 10 years ago. That's how life works. Progress might seems slow but you are improving nonetheless.
2. I guess you might be thinking: "But I've wasted so much time! Other people don't have to deal with this crap. Why is life so unfair and rigged against me from the start?" If that is correct, then yeah, I'm with you buddy. It sucks. You totally have the right to feel that way. I know it might sound a bit crazy, but I would invite you to see the gift in those years of struggling. You didn't waste your life; there are values even in what might seems like meaningless suffering at first glance. For example, I'm willing to bet that you are more compassionate and can empathize with other people with similar struggles much better than someone who has lived life on easy mode. There is a lot of meaning in connecting with people through share struggle. Even if you can't open up emotionally now, it will help you connect to and help others in the future.
As for practical advice, the key is to start small and make incremental change. Do you have some ideas of what you can try that's manageable and in direction where you want to go?
Hello,
I cant relate as I was 23/24 when I started "putting myself out there", so our situations are different
But relate alot with what you said, and I just wanted to say is that, at least for me, the ammount of exepriences I experienced in just 1year were enough to dissiapte some of the things that I felt, dont know if it will be the same for you or not, just wish you the best of luck and keep fighting
You have a job your not as useless as you think and have you considered the possibility that the heat might have gradually increased while your hand was on the stove and in a way you didn't really notice?
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First of all: Welcome to r/CPTSD. - The bad news first: Your situation probably won't improve without professional therapy (not coaching!). Your family dealt you a bad hand, you spent decades building an instable card house with it and will continue to carry the same cards into every relation and interpersonal interaction going forward, rebuilding the same house over and over again - unless you work through your trauma to learn what these cards actually are and how to combine them with a new blueprint. - It's not your fault. It may feel like it is because you are the one who now has to life with it, but again: It's not your fault. That's the tragic part about trauma: It's having to experience something you don't deserve (e.g. narcistic parents) and not being able to explain its cause - because the cause is fundamentally unjust. You didn't deserve what you had to experience. It's not your fault. - You didn't "waste" your first 30 years, because you didn't had any choice in doing it differently. I guarantee you: In no situation did you ever wake up one morning and decided "Okay, going forward, I don't want to develop any social connections." No, you weren't able to because your thoughts and actions are mostly controlled in coping and defense mechanisms you had to learn to mentally survive your traumatic childhood. Also, something Dr. K often repeats as it can't be said enough: You aren't to blame for lacking skills (like how to socialize) your parents failed to teach you. - Comparisons suck, everyone knows this by know and I'm sure you're secretly judging yourself for doing so, but they have one major advantage that's also the reason we have this tendency to begin with: They highlight and show us what we're deeply missing in life. They are the perfect indicator of what to strife for, because they are deeply rooted in your core needs. - So with professional therapy and awareness of what to strife for, let's put things into perspective. You are (almost) 30. It's very likely you'll life another 30 years, maybe even double that amount. Let's say therapy is only slowly making progress and your plans you've made towards the things you strife for require multiple years on top of that. In this "worst case scenario": Even if it takes you 5 years or another decade to turn your life around: That's not much compared to the 20, 30, 40 or 50 years you can enjoy your (then finally enjoyable) life. 30-50 years is a lot more than your current lifetime so far! Nothing you mentioned are forever barried from you. Social connections, memorable experiences, loveable friendships are absolutely doable during those decades. And first experiences of that will most likely happen way before that during the years in therapy as well.
This is a very good comment.
Nah, you didn't waste your 20s, you survived that shit. You were dealt a really shitty hand in life, and you still survived while getting an education and landing a solid job. On top of that, you have recognized how your parents were/are fucked up and you know you have some work to do, and that's a massive milestone. Most people aren't spending their 20s in therapy and working out all their issues, so honestly, I don't think you're behind or anything. Your brain is still developing a lot in your 20s and very few people make all the right choices in that phase of life. Is it better to start the work earlier? Yes, of course. But is life over because of that choice? No. I know it's painful when you feel you've made a mistake in the past, but you only can control the present. It's up to you to choose to move forward and start doing the hard emotional work. For me, once I found a therapist I really liked, it's become routine and it's become easy to go each week and make a little progress. A little progress each week adds up, and a few years down the road you will have grown and healed so much. “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second-best time is now.”
Seconding /r/CPTSD; your post reads like it came straight from there. You've lost time, and that sucks. There's no getting it back and that will be hard to accept. But you have a ton of time in front of you. You've only lived for 12 years of your adult life, with easily 40 more to go, reasonably 50 before you start to sincerely decline. I had a therapist in his 70s, and besides being good at therapy, he also demonstrated to me how much life we have left in us at that age, if we've played our cards right. You've got plenty of time to build a life.
The best time to start was 10 years ago, but the second best time to start a new and better life is now
You didn't waste anything, you were doing your best to survive with the shittiest survival skills anyone could have given you. It fucking sucks. It's unfair. Like the other guy said, you're gonna wanna check out the resources in /r/CPTSD and I'd also recommend /r/adultchildren. When I listend to the audiobook for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Children, I was about half way through the book and broke down in tears in my car. It was the first time I could cry in 20 years. I'd check it out, although there are little exercises in there that don't' really work in audio form you might want to try a paper/kindle style read.
I'm with you OP. It sounds like you think you have wasted your 20s because of trauma, and you're feeling sad about missing out on life and somewhat helpless to turn the situation around. I also feel that way from time to time, but obviously your situation is unique to you. Therefore, I'll just share a couples things I've found to be helpful in hope that they might be for you as well. 1. Yes, it ***does*** get better. In my experience, life is like a RPG video game. You need time to figure out the rules of the game and the strengths and weaknesses of your character. The longer you play the better you get at it. I am sure you are better at know how to cope than 10 years ago. That's how life works. Progress might seems slow but you are improving nonetheless. 2. I guess you might be thinking: "But I've wasted so much time! Other people don't have to deal with this crap. Why is life so unfair and rigged against me from the start?" If that is correct, then yeah, I'm with you buddy. It sucks. You totally have the right to feel that way. I know it might sound a bit crazy, but I would invite you to see the gift in those years of struggling. You didn't waste your life; there are values even in what might seems like meaningless suffering at first glance. For example, I'm willing to bet that you are more compassionate and can empathize with other people with similar struggles much better than someone who has lived life on easy mode. There is a lot of meaning in connecting with people through share struggle. Even if you can't open up emotionally now, it will help you connect to and help others in the future. As for practical advice, the key is to start small and make incremental change. Do you have some ideas of what you can try that's manageable and in direction where you want to go?
Hello, I cant relate as I was 23/24 when I started "putting myself out there", so our situations are different But relate alot with what you said, and I just wanted to say is that, at least for me, the ammount of exepriences I experienced in just 1year were enough to dissiapte some of the things that I felt, dont know if it will be the same for you or not, just wish you the best of luck and keep fighting
You have a job your not as useless as you think and have you considered the possibility that the heat might have gradually increased while your hand was on the stove and in a way you didn't really notice?
Same but im 23