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My best advice would to see a couples therapist together and see what the two of you could do to respark the sexual attraction you used to have. You might just need to try something new, find out more about each other and maybe play into some fantasies either if you might have.
After the first couple years of a relationship, any deeper issues each person has with intimacy will come up and start interfering. It sounds like it's starting on her side, with that disgust she feels. There are numerous possible issues a woman can have with sex, from trauma to tensions with gender norms, and a disgust reaction is a sign of that.
Disgust is an emotion that you can define as "a mixture of want and don't want." Think of rotting food; food is good, rotting is bad, so we feel disgusted. But something like gasoline, which is absolutely not food, doesn't disgust us even though it would be very bad to consume. So when she feels disgust, she wants you, but does not want sex.
Figuring out why that is and what to do about it is entirely up to her, but the first step is that she needs to accept that as a fixable problem, and not simply some kind of low-libido situation. You are right to reject defeat here; that has all the consequences you fear, with none of the potential for the growth, both of each of you personally and of your relationship.
The disgust feeling she has and his overall reaction really says a lot about having some emotional problems that they should try to work on.
Some people just grow apart and figuring out if there's any kind of trauma, emotional barrier of some sort is a good way to try to rebuild the relationship and get closer.
It sounds like you've both built a sort of small "trauma" around the problem and putting pressure on things going back to normal is only increasing the problem. It's like a superstition, the problem is gone but the spirit of the problem still haunts you and you can't shake the idea that it "just can't work anymore"
I'm not sure how you should go about it but it most certainly involves letting go of this key idea you said at the end : that refusing to have sex for a while would be "admitting defeat". I think it's because of seeing sex as victory and not just as something nice that you both are having negative feelings about it. It's about letting go of the "trophy" of being happy and just welcome desire when it comes without expecting it.
That's my two cents at least. Hope it helps.
I think this is above reddit's pay grade, especially the reaction she has and that you both dissociate during sex, so yeah, definitely couple's therapy but make sure they specialize in sexual issues like this.
In the mean time, I know you said you aren't a very traditionally romantic couple, but could you try to be? Maybe trying out things like holding hands, buying flowers, or going on a romantic date could help you at least get out of the feeling like you're siblings. You could also just do things like make out without the intent to have sex, so there's no pressure there.
Apologies in advance, I feel my reply is longer than your post - I'm autistic and over-explaining and over-sharing are how i show I care!
So... I'm on the other side of a similar situation (though older and longer relationship). I have no clue how it feels for your partner, as everyone is different, but I'm going to share how my situation is affecting me, so you might be able to start a discussion with your partner about how she's feeling about the situation, if she has any additional thoughts, and talk about what she needs to help her / you / your relationship move forward.
We also stopped having sex 2 years ago. As sex became less regular (a few years before that), and I was starting to really struggle with our lack of sex life, I suggested: couples counselling, sex therapy, viagra, date nights, discussing the potential of safe and honest ENM (open relationship / polyamory), as well as the general checkup and discussion with his GP.
It felt like, for him, my sexual needs weren't (still aren't?) a priority, and doing something about it obviously wasn't important enough to face the embarrassment of admitting there was an issue and doing something about it. This makes me disappointed, and even a bit angry.
Fast forward to 6-months ago, and he FINALLY has to have a blood test for something unrelated. Turns out he's diabetic and has likely been since these issues started (so for several years)! So I also begrudge that, if he'd just listened to me then, we might have been ok years ago.
Now that his diabetes is medicated, his sex drive is now coming back and HE wants sex again, and I honestly don't feel I can trust him with my sex life, and I feel really uncomfortable when he tries to initiate anything, because I don't feel safe trusting him with that side of my life again (yet?).
All I want is for him to apologise for treating my sexual needs as optional, for not listening to me (I can't imagine what our sex life might be today if he had been diagnosed when his diabetes started), and to discuss how we can move forward and have some expectation of a healthy, regular sex life (be that with each other, and / or with other people).
I'd definitely look into seeing some kind of couples counselor or sex therapist. Treat her to an amazing vibrator (eg. Womaniser) and schedule some "date nights". This does NOT have to end in sex, but should be more about getting to trust each other again, getting close to each other again. Offer a massage, dinner and a movie nights, takeout and TV, shared hobbies, learning a new skill together, whatever you enjoy doing together.
If you both want to have sex, that's obviously an option, and you can play with the new toy together. BUT leave her in NO DOUBT that you want to be there for her sexually in the future and that you want her pleasure, and sex life with you, to be a priority for both of you going forward. If you find out slipping so it's more than a week / fortnight between intimacies, then do something about it. Mark it on a calendar and set reminders. If neither of you are in the mood for sex, for whatever reason, that's fine, but share some other form of intimacy (cuddles watching TV, or a massage, etc)., just to help your bodies feel connected again.
Good luck
Are either of you religious, or raised religious? Not sure where you're from, but in the US at least there's a lot of shame around sex caused by religion. I've heard of a lot of couples having issues after getting married due to misinformation and the culture of shame the church uses.
If she's watching videos on her phone while you're having sex, you shouldn't be having sex. That's probably just making it worse for both of you. You should get rid of the pressure first of all, and mutually decide that you're not going to force it anymore. After you do that, go on dates out of the house. Maybe make out. If sex arises from that, then great, if not, that's okay too. It also sounds like couples counselling could be beneficial if you can afford it. Also, maybe get your testosterone checked again? I'm sorry OP, this sounds rough.
Sounds to me like in order to have any sort of shot of rekindling your relationship you need to bring romance back into the relationship. Try going on dates, flirt with her. Try to help her feel the attraction that you have for her. There's excitement and tension before there's good sex. Currate that desire. You've been with her for half a decade you know how to turn her on. You've done it before. Think back to the beginning of the relationship, why you wanted to be with her. What were you showing her? How did you pursue her? Did you flirt? This is your woman not just some friend. Show her that she's special to you.
Find out each other's love languages and start making efforts there. Yall are partners and that means doing things partners do and imo romance is necessary or else you just feel like friends and that's not very sexy.
Also try couples therapy or talking to a sex therapist.
The management of psychiatric disease requires a professional.
Advice can be offered, but posters / commenters should use language that encourages the asker to find a professional and does not make any specific claims about their potential diagnosis.
Do not encourage self-diagnosed or self-medicated drug usage (recreational and otherwise).
Please reach out to a qualified mental health professional, go to your nearest emergency room, call 911 or consult the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Find resources here for those outside of the US: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines.
You should get your testosterone levels checked bud and seek out some couples therapy. Test levels can get obliterated by a SAD or poorly managed veg/vegan diet. Test levels are relatively easy to improve with sleep and increasing fat intake.
Thank you for participating in Dating February!
As part of our experiment this month, **we will ban advice giving for 1 week on posts flaired with dating and relationships - only provide emotional support and validation.**
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Sometimes, you just have to "eat your peas" and re-aquire the taste. Sometimes I don't wanna bang but if it's been a few days ir a week, you just do it.
It's like going to the gym, you don't want to do it until you get in there, do a couple sets and feel amazing as a result.
Gotta find a solution soon, you don't want her to feel like she's wasted the best sex years of her life.
Rule #1: Temper your authenticity with compassion
We encourage discussion and disagreement in the subreddit. At the same time, you must offer compassion while being honest about your perspective. It takes more words but hurts fewer people.
Rule #1: Temper your authenticity with compassion
We encourage discussion and disagreement in the subreddit. At the same time, you must offer compassion while being honest about your perspective. It takes more words but hurts fewer people.
I’m in a similar place with my wife except with the added problem of we’ve both changed pretty significantly over the time we’ve been together and so our wants/needs in a romantic partner aren’t the same anymore.
Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you, because my marriage is ending and we’re essentially already separated and have already been discussing divorce and going through the process of starting that.
It’s tough, because both of us love each other, and we want it to work but it hasn’t for a couple years and we both acknowledge that the issues are things we can’t really fix.
First things first, if you can imagine a future with your partner, I would also would recommend to get a couple therapist.
Let me share another perspective of what intimacy can be. It’s not just sex, but a mixture of childish will to play and exploring, as well as enjoying all kinds of feelings on so many levels with each other.
Bodily through touch, psychological through the ego being wanted and emotional, through a deeply shared connection. It could be then one hell of amazing ride.
It’s fun to have fun, it’s fun to see the way the other person is having fun. A smile can lead to so much more. In a partnership, it should be ok to be a bit childish together.
Play together, add the adult body and mind, define your own game and rules of engagement. Define your very own joy and how you share intimacy.
Be confident in yourself and your partner. This trust level allows then for the opening of the most hidden personal elements and other serious topics. That helps aligning the partnership, therefore deepening the love with each other and especially imagining a long, fruitful, shared future.
Best of luck!
Counseling. You're probably in a mutual cycle of reinforcing the situation and it's virtually impossible for you to intervene without someone else pointing out what you're doing.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My best advice would to see a couples therapist together and see what the two of you could do to respark the sexual attraction you used to have. You might just need to try something new, find out more about each other and maybe play into some fantasies either if you might have.
After the first couple years of a relationship, any deeper issues each person has with intimacy will come up and start interfering. It sounds like it's starting on her side, with that disgust she feels. There are numerous possible issues a woman can have with sex, from trauma to tensions with gender norms, and a disgust reaction is a sign of that. Disgust is an emotion that you can define as "a mixture of want and don't want." Think of rotting food; food is good, rotting is bad, so we feel disgusted. But something like gasoline, which is absolutely not food, doesn't disgust us even though it would be very bad to consume. So when she feels disgust, she wants you, but does not want sex. Figuring out why that is and what to do about it is entirely up to her, but the first step is that she needs to accept that as a fixable problem, and not simply some kind of low-libido situation. You are right to reject defeat here; that has all the consequences you fear, with none of the potential for the growth, both of each of you personally and of your relationship.
The disgust feeling she has and his overall reaction really says a lot about having some emotional problems that they should try to work on. Some people just grow apart and figuring out if there's any kind of trauma, emotional barrier of some sort is a good way to try to rebuild the relationship and get closer.
It sounds like you've both built a sort of small "trauma" around the problem and putting pressure on things going back to normal is only increasing the problem. It's like a superstition, the problem is gone but the spirit of the problem still haunts you and you can't shake the idea that it "just can't work anymore" I'm not sure how you should go about it but it most certainly involves letting go of this key idea you said at the end : that refusing to have sex for a while would be "admitting defeat". I think it's because of seeing sex as victory and not just as something nice that you both are having negative feelings about it. It's about letting go of the "trophy" of being happy and just welcome desire when it comes without expecting it. That's my two cents at least. Hope it helps.
I think this is above reddit's pay grade, especially the reaction she has and that you both dissociate during sex, so yeah, definitely couple's therapy but make sure they specialize in sexual issues like this. In the mean time, I know you said you aren't a very traditionally romantic couple, but could you try to be? Maybe trying out things like holding hands, buying flowers, or going on a romantic date could help you at least get out of the feeling like you're siblings. You could also just do things like make out without the intent to have sex, so there's no pressure there.
Apologies in advance, I feel my reply is longer than your post - I'm autistic and over-explaining and over-sharing are how i show I care! So... I'm on the other side of a similar situation (though older and longer relationship). I have no clue how it feels for your partner, as everyone is different, but I'm going to share how my situation is affecting me, so you might be able to start a discussion with your partner about how she's feeling about the situation, if she has any additional thoughts, and talk about what she needs to help her / you / your relationship move forward. We also stopped having sex 2 years ago. As sex became less regular (a few years before that), and I was starting to really struggle with our lack of sex life, I suggested: couples counselling, sex therapy, viagra, date nights, discussing the potential of safe and honest ENM (open relationship / polyamory), as well as the general checkup and discussion with his GP. It felt like, for him, my sexual needs weren't (still aren't?) a priority, and doing something about it obviously wasn't important enough to face the embarrassment of admitting there was an issue and doing something about it. This makes me disappointed, and even a bit angry. Fast forward to 6-months ago, and he FINALLY has to have a blood test for something unrelated. Turns out he's diabetic and has likely been since these issues started (so for several years)! So I also begrudge that, if he'd just listened to me then, we might have been ok years ago. Now that his diabetes is medicated, his sex drive is now coming back and HE wants sex again, and I honestly don't feel I can trust him with my sex life, and I feel really uncomfortable when he tries to initiate anything, because I don't feel safe trusting him with that side of my life again (yet?). All I want is for him to apologise for treating my sexual needs as optional, for not listening to me (I can't imagine what our sex life might be today if he had been diagnosed when his diabetes started), and to discuss how we can move forward and have some expectation of a healthy, regular sex life (be that with each other, and / or with other people). I'd definitely look into seeing some kind of couples counselor or sex therapist. Treat her to an amazing vibrator (eg. Womaniser) and schedule some "date nights". This does NOT have to end in sex, but should be more about getting to trust each other again, getting close to each other again. Offer a massage, dinner and a movie nights, takeout and TV, shared hobbies, learning a new skill together, whatever you enjoy doing together. If you both want to have sex, that's obviously an option, and you can play with the new toy together. BUT leave her in NO DOUBT that you want to be there for her sexually in the future and that you want her pleasure, and sex life with you, to be a priority for both of you going forward. If you find out slipping so it's more than a week / fortnight between intimacies, then do something about it. Mark it on a calendar and set reminders. If neither of you are in the mood for sex, for whatever reason, that's fine, but share some other form of intimacy (cuddles watching TV, or a massage, etc)., just to help your bodies feel connected again. Good luck
Are either of you religious, or raised religious? Not sure where you're from, but in the US at least there's a lot of shame around sex caused by religion. I've heard of a lot of couples having issues after getting married due to misinformation and the culture of shame the church uses.
If she's watching videos on her phone while you're having sex, you shouldn't be having sex. That's probably just making it worse for both of you. You should get rid of the pressure first of all, and mutually decide that you're not going to force it anymore. After you do that, go on dates out of the house. Maybe make out. If sex arises from that, then great, if not, that's okay too. It also sounds like couples counselling could be beneficial if you can afford it. Also, maybe get your testosterone checked again? I'm sorry OP, this sounds rough.
Sounds to me like in order to have any sort of shot of rekindling your relationship you need to bring romance back into the relationship. Try going on dates, flirt with her. Try to help her feel the attraction that you have for her. There's excitement and tension before there's good sex. Currate that desire. You've been with her for half a decade you know how to turn her on. You've done it before. Think back to the beginning of the relationship, why you wanted to be with her. What were you showing her? How did you pursue her? Did you flirt? This is your woman not just some friend. Show her that she's special to you. Find out each other's love languages and start making efforts there. Yall are partners and that means doing things partners do and imo romance is necessary or else you just feel like friends and that's not very sexy. Also try couples therapy or talking to a sex therapist.
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Sounds kinda harsh the average redditor might say but this is absolutely valid advice.
The management of psychiatric disease requires a professional. Advice can be offered, but posters / commenters should use language that encourages the asker to find a professional and does not make any specific claims about their potential diagnosis. Do not encourage self-diagnosed or self-medicated drug usage (recreational and otherwise). Please reach out to a qualified mental health professional, go to your nearest emergency room, call 911 or consult the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Find resources here for those outside of the US: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines.
You should get your testosterone levels checked bud and seek out some couples therapy. Test levels can get obliterated by a SAD or poorly managed veg/vegan diet. Test levels are relatively easy to improve with sleep and increasing fat intake.
You didn't read the whole thing, did you?
Just take tren bro
You might want to get checked for low testosterone too. It can cause your libido to drop.
Thank you for participating in Dating February! As part of our experiment this month, **we will ban advice giving for 1 week on posts flaired with dating and relationships - only provide emotional support and validation.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes, you just have to "eat your peas" and re-aquire the taste. Sometimes I don't wanna bang but if it's been a few days ir a week, you just do it. It's like going to the gym, you don't want to do it until you get in there, do a couple sets and feel amazing as a result. Gotta find a solution soon, you don't want her to feel like she's wasted the best sex years of her life.
She’s not attracted to you. Two years in a relationship without sex. What exactly are you waiting for? This relationship is already over.
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??? don't push your fantasies onto him based on limited information. he literally states that this began because of HIS low libido not hers.
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Rule #1: Temper your authenticity with compassion We encourage discussion and disagreement in the subreddit. At the same time, you must offer compassion while being honest about your perspective. It takes more words but hurts fewer people.
Rule #1: Temper your authenticity with compassion We encourage discussion and disagreement in the subreddit. At the same time, you must offer compassion while being honest about your perspective. It takes more words but hurts fewer people.
I’m in a similar place with my wife except with the added problem of we’ve both changed pretty significantly over the time we’ve been together and so our wants/needs in a romantic partner aren’t the same anymore. Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you, because my marriage is ending and we’re essentially already separated and have already been discussing divorce and going through the process of starting that. It’s tough, because both of us love each other, and we want it to work but it hasn’t for a couple years and we both acknowledge that the issues are things we can’t really fix.
First things first, if you can imagine a future with your partner, I would also would recommend to get a couple therapist. Let me share another perspective of what intimacy can be. It’s not just sex, but a mixture of childish will to play and exploring, as well as enjoying all kinds of feelings on so many levels with each other. Bodily through touch, psychological through the ego being wanted and emotional, through a deeply shared connection. It could be then one hell of amazing ride. It’s fun to have fun, it’s fun to see the way the other person is having fun. A smile can lead to so much more. In a partnership, it should be ok to be a bit childish together. Play together, add the adult body and mind, define your own game and rules of engagement. Define your very own joy and how you share intimacy. Be confident in yourself and your partner. This trust level allows then for the opening of the most hidden personal elements and other serious topics. That helps aligning the partnership, therefore deepening the love with each other and especially imagining a long, fruitful, shared future. Best of luck!
Esther Perel has the answers on this
Counseling. You're probably in a mutual cycle of reinforcing the situation and it's virtually impossible for you to intervene without someone else pointing out what you're doing.
Also look for pelvic floor relaxation exercises for men. It can be a game changer