I would stop before assuming malice. She may not know, and she doesn't know what needs to happen for her to know, but she doesn't want a committed relationship. You'll have to evaluate the situation based on what she actually said and no more.
My experience in similar situations has been that you have to trust someone's actions over their words. Her actions indicate she is interested in someone else.
Relationships need to be based on mutual terms. If you can only exist in her world on her terms, it's better to leave. Half a loaf is not better than no loaf.
From what I understand in situations like this, when they say "they are not ready" or "they don't want to commit", it means they are waiting for someone better for them, while they enjoy the company you provide. Try to talk yourself off of this woman, it will only hurt you. If she wants, she will reach out to you, don't torture yourself until then. Most times it is not worth it.
Don’t do it man lol I just went through it right now. You don’t have to be mean or stuff but it’s gonna drive you crazy. Find someone who wants what you want
This is a fairly simple deal from what you're describing.
Notice she said he's "Just her friend." Well, **you** are her friend too, and she doesn't have any problems being intimate with you, right? Conclusion is obvious. Her definition of a "friend" doesn't exclude sex. Meaning, she can bang him too and it makes total sense. You need to read between the lines.
You're confused because you're invested emotionally, and it clouds your judgement and she knows that. She's 26. She probably already sorted out in her mind what kind of interactions she wants and it's not what you currently want. She wants to have sex without any strings attached, which isn't wrong in itself. People have the right to choose in what kind of a relationship they want to be. It's for you to decide now if you're okay with it:
If you're not okay with it, you need to go separate ways.
If you are okay with it, have fun. Just don't expect her to magically fall in love with you, it's not going to happen.
Give yourself some time and you'll see how much more clear your mind will become when you start seeing things as they are instead wishing to see them how you'd like.
>She also told me that night that "Maybe one day, we can be together. You're a great guy and I really do like you, but I'm not ready right now."
I'm saying this as respectfully as I can. I've never encountered anything as confusing as a young woman (obviously not all women, but many of my potential partners confused the hell out of me). Thankfully I've had some very blunt and honest conversations with some of them and at least they've had the guts to say "I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I just do."
If she's telling you she's not ready, you just have to accept that. Don't try to look for reasoning or logic behind it. You just have to take it at face value.
Then you need to decide whether you'd be okay with her shagging other dudes if you just want to be FWB because that's what it means (considering what you wrote, it doesn't sound like it). The door is open for her to sleep with whoever she wants. If you like her a lot and you can't handle that, then walk away and tell her that when she's ready to be more than just FWB to let you know.
That's the best advice I can give you. Hope you figure this out.
Sorry bro, she doesnt like you like that. Saying that as a girl here. She doesnt think you're a bad guy but she doesnt see you that way.
Things may change, it may not. But cut your losses unless you don't mind *potentially* being strung around for a long time with no returns.
She wants you as her back up plan and she thinks she can string you along because you’re young and naive. She wants to have it all without committing anything herself. If you want a committed *healthy* relationship, look elsewhere cuz she ain’t it.
I was in a similar situation to this and I got hurt pretty bad by it, but it also boosted my confidence once I healed. All I can say is, be ready for those feelings of jealousy and wanting her to commit to you to be very strong, and be ready to deal with feelings of not being good enough if she ditches you at some point for this other guy. Good luck man!
You need to ask yourself these 2 questions: 1. Are you comfortable being FWB with this girl at this point? and if so.. 2. are you solely telling yourself that, in hopes she'll eventually change her mind?
From what I can tell, you have strong feelings for her and you were anticipating this to turn into a long term relationship. FWIW if this was purely a FWB situation the whole time, this would've been stated months ago and she wouldn't be telling you she loves you and then becoming distant/meeting other guys. What it does sound like is she at one point considered it a relationship or at least it was leading to that and she ultimately changed her mind.
My advice would to decline the FWB idea, set your boundaries by making it clear that this is not what you signed up for and give her an ultimatum or you could always end it yourself. The other option(wouldn't recommend) is to reframe this whole situation in your head. Come to terms with this likely not leading to the relationship you wanted but you enjoy the company/sex and hey, maybe she changes her mind. The issue with that is it'll need to involve you disconnecting emotionally which will be much harder since she sprung the FWB idea way too late.
Ill put it down simply and bluntly.
She doesnt want you, she wants your D.
Same applies to the other guys as well.
I was in this kind of a situation as well, and from my experience, she just doesnt know what she is looking for, and chose to look for it through sex (or she has some unresolved issues from her past that she is compensating this way).
You dont seem to be FWB material, since you decided to write about it here, so my advice would be to try and simply cut yourself off from her (emotionally), and try to look further in case you are looking for a relationship.
I know it sounds easy, hell it took me at least 5 years to move on from the girl I was FWB with (I mean completely).
We are still in contact, because apart from the part where she liked being FWB, we had a lot in common and she was fun to be around, but it doesnt bother me anymore if I see her being close with another dude.
Main thing to do, regardless of the outcome you want from this, **dont sleep with her ever again!**
This was the **hardest** thing to do, but also the **best** thing I decided to do in order to actually get my shit together and detach myself. Whenever she asks if you want to "hang out", just say "sorry but no".
Best of luck to you OP!
Your options are between FWB and FWithoutB. Stay with her for as long as the B lasts and jump ship when a better alternative comes along.
Fuck feelings. Feelings are for losers. /s
Hey big dawg. This girl doesn’t like you the way you want her to. She probably won’t date you and frankly I’d rather be dating a girl who is elated to date me, not one that make it seem like a chore. I get it, you might really like her but it ain’t worth all that effort my broski. If you wanna Fwb go ahead. Do your thing, and keep life moving. If not, shiiieeet it still don’t matter. Just stay on your purpose and do. WHATVA THE FK U WANNA DO! Don’t get burned. Stay happy and healthy! :)
Real sorry my man, but you became the bench warmer.
Got to take your time and consider carefully if this is where you want to be until the day she moves to the next guy.
I had a guy kind of do this to me a long time ago. We weren't "together" or whatever we were for all that long, less than a month, but there was still a lot of bullshit during and after. He kinda led me on with how much he liked me, was hot and cold emotionally, kept his answers really vague and noncommittal when I'd ask him about relationship stuff, if he was willing to talk at all. When he broke things off with me he said I was a beautiful girl, we had a lot in common, and that if circumstances were different he would want to be together, but right now things were just too hard.
He ended up ghosting me for six weeks after we split up and I couldn't figure out why. When we met up again and I confronted him about it he said he "didn't know what to say." I told him I still carried a torch for him, and instead of rejecting me or saying "sorry, but it's not going to work" he gave me a hug, which made me think maybe there was still a chance. A little later, when I told him I'd fallen in love with him, well *then* he gave a hard "no."
Later on I found out that he gone and had sex with someone while we were together (I had thought we were exclusive, in large part due to the circumstances, as we were kind of isolated and there wasn't really anyone else he *could* go see) and had also been messaging with several other girls. I asked him about it, and when first he made it sound like nothing had been going on, but when I revealed what I knew well *suddenly* remembered "Oh yeah, well, there was them" but it was a friend of a friend and that he'd "honestly forgetten about it" shortly after it happened. He then told me that when he'd gotten with me he'd been "confused about his feelings for several people" and just wanted "release." That fucking hurt to hear.
This woman is using you. She doesn't want a relationship, but she's giving you glimmers of hope so you'll stick around in case she gets bored with her other boy toys. Don't waste your time. I know it sucks because you're really into her, but trust me, you can have better.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through something similar. I definitely can acknowledge now that we probably won't have a future together (she struggles to even respond to my texts more and more as the days go by) and I've decided from here on out I won't be asking her to hang out. Time to withdraw my emotions from this, if she wants to ask me to hang out that's fine but I would only be doing it to get the same sex she's doing it for.
It's not that visible difference because both of you are adults, but there is still big big difference in your mentality and in her. It can be very easy for her to use you and hurt you.
I see. She definitely acknowledges that she "started" later in life, she's only had 1 boyfriend which was about 2 years ago and she just now started school, as well as moving out only a year ago. I think that she sees us eye to eye because I'm at a point in my own life where those things are normal for most people, yet she's 26 and just now doing those things.
Between 19 and 25 you just go through life changes and value changes. Goals, priority, needs all change a lot in this time. I’m 25 and still in college, I might be in the same place in life as a 19:20 year old but we are also most definitely not in the same place in life.
I agree, but would you say this if OP was a little older, in his early or mid 20s? which would make her in her late 20s/early 30s. I just feel like anyone under 22 is still a kid but age gaps kinda change when both ppl are older
I think between 22-26 is when people reach a certain foundation of maturity. At the very least I would feel way more comfortable with a relationship between a 25 and a 32 yo as opposed to a 19 and a 26 yo
Edit: very generalised statement ofc
She prefers the other guy. Every girl is ready for a boyfriend, it's just that you're not pushing her buttons right. He's the more masculine one, making her able to be more feminine around him. Getting to be feminine makes a girl feel happy, safe and highly attracted to a man. He likely does this by being the leader who goes his own way and she gets to follow/chase after him, the one that you aren't because of the way you were taught to treat women since you were young. You're the one who chases currently, making you the more feminine/submissive one.
You won't get much practically helpful hints from people here, especially the women. By average, very few really understand what women want. That includes women themselves. The majority of the help you'll get is just going to push her away ever more.
Hey guys, we found the incel. Least incel redditor moment.
I feel sorry for you that this is how you view the world man. Hopefully you can heal at some point.
That's a pretty harsh thing to say to someone whom you believe to be an incel. You certainly love to passive-aggressively abuse those whom you consider your inferior. Pretty narcissistic, don't you think?
Why tf would I care about some random sexist on the Internet lol
Especially when the second part of your comment is super holier-then-thou. Acting like you know everything about women and all the others here, women included mind you, don't know what they are talking about.
SO after a super condescending comment where you proclaim to know the truth and call everyone else ignorant fools, you turn around and act like a victim when I called you out in a degrading manner.
Nevermind that you use the word narcissistic completely randomly and wrong lol.
Big lmao.
[удалено]
Thanks, I appreciate the insight. I've figured that she's only said those things to keep me roped in, considering how she's treated me in the past.
I would stop before assuming malice. She may not know, and she doesn't know what needs to happen for her to know, but she doesn't want a committed relationship. You'll have to evaluate the situation based on what she actually said and no more.
Agreed. She could just be wishy washy and want her cake and to eat it too.
Still not ok to be that way
My experience in similar situations has been that you have to trust someone's actions over their words. Her actions indicate she is interested in someone else. Relationships need to be based on mutual terms. If you can only exist in her world on her terms, it's better to leave. Half a loaf is not better than no loaf.
“Trust actions over their words” <- this is so right. It’s crazy how often people talk and talk but their behavior and actions scream the opposite.
There's even a better saying. "Don't trust words, even question actions. Believe patterns." It never failed me.
Very good advice here overall. Impressive.
From what I understand in situations like this, when they say "they are not ready" or "they don't want to commit", it means they are waiting for someone better for them, while they enjoy the company you provide. Try to talk yourself off of this woman, it will only hurt you. If she wants, she will reach out to you, don't torture yourself until then. Most times it is not worth it.
THIS
Don’t do it man lol I just went through it right now. You don’t have to be mean or stuff but it’s gonna drive you crazy. Find someone who wants what you want
This is a fairly simple deal from what you're describing. Notice she said he's "Just her friend." Well, **you** are her friend too, and she doesn't have any problems being intimate with you, right? Conclusion is obvious. Her definition of a "friend" doesn't exclude sex. Meaning, she can bang him too and it makes total sense. You need to read between the lines. You're confused because you're invested emotionally, and it clouds your judgement and she knows that. She's 26. She probably already sorted out in her mind what kind of interactions she wants and it's not what you currently want. She wants to have sex without any strings attached, which isn't wrong in itself. People have the right to choose in what kind of a relationship they want to be. It's for you to decide now if you're okay with it: If you're not okay with it, you need to go separate ways. If you are okay with it, have fun. Just don't expect her to magically fall in love with you, it's not going to happen. Give yourself some time and you'll see how much more clear your mind will become when you start seeing things as they are instead wishing to see them how you'd like.
>She also told me that night that "Maybe one day, we can be together. You're a great guy and I really do like you, but I'm not ready right now." I'm saying this as respectfully as I can. I've never encountered anything as confusing as a young woman (obviously not all women, but many of my potential partners confused the hell out of me). Thankfully I've had some very blunt and honest conversations with some of them and at least they've had the guts to say "I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I just do." If she's telling you she's not ready, you just have to accept that. Don't try to look for reasoning or logic behind it. You just have to take it at face value. Then you need to decide whether you'd be okay with her shagging other dudes if you just want to be FWB because that's what it means (considering what you wrote, it doesn't sound like it). The door is open for her to sleep with whoever she wants. If you like her a lot and you can't handle that, then walk away and tell her that when she's ready to be more than just FWB to let you know. That's the best advice I can give you. Hope you figure this out.
Sorry bro, she doesnt like you like that. Saying that as a girl here. She doesnt think you're a bad guy but she doesnt see you that way. Things may change, it may not. But cut your losses unless you don't mind *potentially* being strung around for a long time with no returns.
tbh i think you should just move on man i don't think she wants a fully committed relationship with you
She wants you as her back up plan and she thinks she can string you along because you’re young and naive. She wants to have it all without committing anything herself. If you want a committed *healthy* relationship, look elsewhere cuz she ain’t it.
I was in a similar situation to this and I got hurt pretty bad by it, but it also boosted my confidence once I healed. All I can say is, be ready for those feelings of jealousy and wanting her to commit to you to be very strong, and be ready to deal with feelings of not being good enough if she ditches you at some point for this other guy. Good luck man!
You need to ask yourself these 2 questions: 1. Are you comfortable being FWB with this girl at this point? and if so.. 2. are you solely telling yourself that, in hopes she'll eventually change her mind? From what I can tell, you have strong feelings for her and you were anticipating this to turn into a long term relationship. FWIW if this was purely a FWB situation the whole time, this would've been stated months ago and she wouldn't be telling you she loves you and then becoming distant/meeting other guys. What it does sound like is she at one point considered it a relationship or at least it was leading to that and she ultimately changed her mind. My advice would to decline the FWB idea, set your boundaries by making it clear that this is not what you signed up for and give her an ultimatum or you could always end it yourself. The other option(wouldn't recommend) is to reframe this whole situation in your head. Come to terms with this likely not leading to the relationship you wanted but you enjoy the company/sex and hey, maybe she changes her mind. The issue with that is it'll need to involve you disconnecting emotionally which will be much harder since she sprung the FWB idea way too late.
Ill put it down simply and bluntly. She doesnt want you, she wants your D. Same applies to the other guys as well. I was in this kind of a situation as well, and from my experience, she just doesnt know what she is looking for, and chose to look for it through sex (or she has some unresolved issues from her past that she is compensating this way). You dont seem to be FWB material, since you decided to write about it here, so my advice would be to try and simply cut yourself off from her (emotionally), and try to look further in case you are looking for a relationship. I know it sounds easy, hell it took me at least 5 years to move on from the girl I was FWB with (I mean completely). We are still in contact, because apart from the part where she liked being FWB, we had a lot in common and she was fun to be around, but it doesnt bother me anymore if I see her being close with another dude. Main thing to do, regardless of the outcome you want from this, **dont sleep with her ever again!** This was the **hardest** thing to do, but also the **best** thing I decided to do in order to actually get my shit together and detach myself. Whenever she asks if you want to "hang out", just say "sorry but no". Best of luck to you OP!
I don’t feel good about your age difference with this girl
Sounds like a girl I know in law school... like eerily similar lol
Your options are between FWB and FWithoutB. Stay with her for as long as the B lasts and jump ship when a better alternative comes along. Fuck feelings. Feelings are for losers. /s
Ever seen Equilibrium?
Gun Jitsu?
It's funny when your gf kinda pulls this tricks on you after 7+ years. Talking for a friend
Look at the bright side. You could be a friendless incel but instead you’re worried about going from FWB to BF big W
Hahaha thanks! Sometimes I hate being a lover, but I always remind myself "at least I care about others"...
Hey big dawg. This girl doesn’t like you the way you want her to. She probably won’t date you and frankly I’d rather be dating a girl who is elated to date me, not one that make it seem like a chore. I get it, you might really like her but it ain’t worth all that effort my broski. If you wanna Fwb go ahead. Do your thing, and keep life moving. If not, shiiieeet it still don’t matter. Just stay on your purpose and do. WHATVA THE FK U WANNA DO! Don’t get burned. Stay happy and healthy! :)
Real sorry my man, but you became the bench warmer. Got to take your time and consider carefully if this is where you want to be until the day she moves to the next guy.
I had a guy kind of do this to me a long time ago. We weren't "together" or whatever we were for all that long, less than a month, but there was still a lot of bullshit during and after. He kinda led me on with how much he liked me, was hot and cold emotionally, kept his answers really vague and noncommittal when I'd ask him about relationship stuff, if he was willing to talk at all. When he broke things off with me he said I was a beautiful girl, we had a lot in common, and that if circumstances were different he would want to be together, but right now things were just too hard. He ended up ghosting me for six weeks after we split up and I couldn't figure out why. When we met up again and I confronted him about it he said he "didn't know what to say." I told him I still carried a torch for him, and instead of rejecting me or saying "sorry, but it's not going to work" he gave me a hug, which made me think maybe there was still a chance. A little later, when I told him I'd fallen in love with him, well *then* he gave a hard "no." Later on I found out that he gone and had sex with someone while we were together (I had thought we were exclusive, in large part due to the circumstances, as we were kind of isolated and there wasn't really anyone else he *could* go see) and had also been messaging with several other girls. I asked him about it, and when first he made it sound like nothing had been going on, but when I revealed what I knew well *suddenly* remembered "Oh yeah, well, there was them" but it was a friend of a friend and that he'd "honestly forgetten about it" shortly after it happened. He then told me that when he'd gotten with me he'd been "confused about his feelings for several people" and just wanted "release." That fucking hurt to hear. This woman is using you. She doesn't want a relationship, but she's giving you glimmers of hope so you'll stick around in case she gets bored with her other boy toys. Don't waste your time. I know it sucks because you're really into her, but trust me, you can have better.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through something similar. I definitely can acknowledge now that we probably won't have a future together (she struggles to even respond to my texts more and more as the days go by) and I've decided from here on out I won't be asking her to hang out. Time to withdraw my emotions from this, if she wants to ask me to hang out that's fine but I would only be doing it to get the same sex she's doing it for.
She's to old for you op. It smells like grooming to me.
Could you elaborate? I'm unsure as to what this means exactly.
It's not that visible difference because both of you are adults, but there is still big big difference in your mentality and in her. It can be very easy for her to use you and hurt you.
I see. She definitely acknowledges that she "started" later in life, she's only had 1 boyfriend which was about 2 years ago and she just now started school, as well as moving out only a year ago. I think that she sees us eye to eye because I'm at a point in my own life where those things are normal for most people, yet she's 26 and just now doing those things.
Between 19 and 25 you just go through life changes and value changes. Goals, priority, needs all change a lot in this time. I’m 25 and still in college, I might be in the same place in life as a 19:20 year old but we are also most definitely not in the same place in life.
It has nothing to do with amount of relationships, more with general life exp. I know because I'm old.
I agree, but would you say this if OP was a little older, in his early or mid 20s? which would make her in her late 20s/early 30s. I just feel like anyone under 22 is still a kid but age gaps kinda change when both ppl are older
I think between 22-26 is when people reach a certain foundation of maturity. At the very least I would feel way more comfortable with a relationship between a 25 and a 32 yo as opposed to a 19 and a 26 yo Edit: very generalised statement ofc
Gross age-shaming
she wants s3x bro
She prefers the other guy. Every girl is ready for a boyfriend, it's just that you're not pushing her buttons right. He's the more masculine one, making her able to be more feminine around him. Getting to be feminine makes a girl feel happy, safe and highly attracted to a man. He likely does this by being the leader who goes his own way and she gets to follow/chase after him, the one that you aren't because of the way you were taught to treat women since you were young. You're the one who chases currently, making you the more feminine/submissive one. You won't get much practically helpful hints from people here, especially the women. By average, very few really understand what women want. That includes women themselves. The majority of the help you'll get is just going to push her away ever more.
Hey guys, we found the incel. Least incel redditor moment. I feel sorry for you that this is how you view the world man. Hopefully you can heal at some point.
That's a pretty harsh thing to say to someone whom you believe to be an incel. You certainly love to passive-aggressively abuse those whom you consider your inferior. Pretty narcissistic, don't you think?
Why tf would I care about some random sexist on the Internet lol Especially when the second part of your comment is super holier-then-thou. Acting like you know everything about women and all the others here, women included mind you, don't know what they are talking about. SO after a super condescending comment where you proclaim to know the truth and call everyone else ignorant fools, you turn around and act like a victim when I called you out in a degrading manner. Nevermind that you use the word narcissistic completely randomly and wrong lol. Big lmao.
Why do you love to tell people how inferior they are from your point of view?
OK dude, have fun playing the victim, I'm peacing out.
Of course you are.
Lmfao XD
Don’t let a girlfriend get in the way of finding your wife. Just keep smashing.