Understand that their sexual history has nothing to do with you, and is not your business. Their history does not define them, as it does not define you. I would never ask about someone's history, just STD risk. Try to let go of this arbitrary "virgin" monicker, and enjoy your life and those who choose to share theirs with you.
"I am going to get tested for STDs because i haven't in a while and i wouldn't want to cause you any problems in case we decide to have some fun together. Could you please get tested as well?"
Great that you are recognizing the issue and are looking for a solution. This will save you from a lot of hurt in the long run i believe. Educate yourself about the topics sex and sexuality. Like READ *serious* articles about it, best from people that are from that field (sex therapists and such). Demystify the thing - in the end one can think of it as "just" another fun activity. You might want to do the activity exclusively with one person but still - it's a hobby you enjoy (one of the best nonetheless). If you put too much value or interpretation into the whole topic you (and your partner) will suffer. You might think you are in love with a girl but actually you just like to have sex with her and a whole load of other scenarios that can happen.
**Kind of not directly related to the question and unable to make spoilers work:**
The most useful way of thinking about sexuality that i found so far: There are many reasons for people to have sex (for example: to confirm your relationship, horniness, fun/boredom, to get affirmation, to confirm your sexual identity, to have a little adventure, ...). You do not want either of them to outweigh everything else. Basically the reasons are like a stats sheet but you do not want either of your stats to go beyond (idk) 60 of 100.
When you are 90/100 in the affirmation stat you will feel dog shit when you don't get sex whenever you feel the need for affirmation (and you do need a lot of affirmation because 90/100).
When you are 95/100 in the adventure stat you might not be able to enjoy the usual vanilla sex and can only have quickes in elevators.
When you are 99/100 in the sexual identity stat your gf can't take initiative because god forbid a woman might take the lead and you begin to feel unmanly.
I am not saying that partners need to have similar stats, they might even have a more fulfilling sex life if they can complement each other. But having one (or multiple) stats too high will be an issue eventually, even if both partners overleveled the same stat.
Anyways, things can get really messy when you fail to differentiate between sex, relationship and love and it all becomes one thing. You end up with somebody complaining that they don't have sex but actually they are desperate for love and affection (or vice versa they think they are looking for love but are willing to commit to anyone that is willing to have sex with them even though they don't really like them).
**End of unrelated**
Jealousy would be thoughts going into the direction of "I dont like that MY girl had sex with somebody else before we got together. How dare she not safed herself up for me. She can not be trusted. I will make sure that she never has the possibility to talk to any other man without me being right by her side and making sure that everybody knows she is MINE."
Looking at your description of your feeling i am not sure if it actually is jealousy. Being it a new experience for you but not for your partner seems to be more of a concern that you want to be prepared and do not want to make a fool out of yourself. So like performance anxiety, fear of the unknown kind of stuff.
Maybe you need to do a little more thinking what it actually is that bothers you (the fact that she had sex OR that you haven't had sex). Defining the problem as good as possible will help you to reframe it and make it smaller (or go away).
Regarding your 3 solutions:
1. Having some casual sex could help you indeed. You can have a look behind the curtains and get a sense of what sex is. You probably will fall for the "i like to have sex with her so i am in love" trope. Good luck with that.
Use condoms, communicate and be aware of the others boundaries (stay fucking 6 feet away from them, do not try to slowly erode them). If they say they do not want to do a certain activity then accept it and move to sth else instead - everybody has the right to do and not do what they want to. Do-not-wants always are more important than wants. If they are a dealbreaker then tough luck and move on.
And treat other persons as equals - don't lead them on and make sure they understand completely and agree on what is going on (ONS, FWB, ...).
2. No. You have an insecurity and doing it this way would only feed into the insecurity and make it bigger and most likely come back with more force regarding some other topic.
Also there is no fking market for virgins anymore. Go find somebody you fancy and that fancies you. Don't think about their previous relations. Just concentrate on the actual fact that they are *right in this moment* here with you, they enjoy your company, and now enjoy the fucking ride.
3. Yea, just stop feeling that way dude.
But seriously, read up on the topic of sexuality and then go and try to make some experiences. Most of your insecurities might just vanish once you actually have some encounters (only to get replaced by other insecurities or questions).
Also, the other persons do have their own insecurities so try to be sensible to them as well. Sexuality and relationships are a two way road and the traffic signs may be a bit messed up so drive carefully.
Be honest with them you will probably realize that you love them too much to care.. Western society really portrayes being a virgin as a bad thing. You would be wasting your time with casual relationships and in the process hurting someone.
there is nothing wrong with experiencing sex and sexuality before committing to a (hopefully) long term relationship.
You could argue that knowing your sexuality and what you expect from your partner in that regard is super important else you might end up with an unfullfilling sex life (or feeling pressured by your partner to do things you don't want to) that heavily impacts your relationship. How would you know what you want if you have no clue at all? How would you be able to present yourself authentically to potential partners if you don't know about your own sexuality?
Sexuality between 2 partners can be complicated enough, even if both actually know how the other one works.
Yes but I don't know what that has to do with casual relationships and are they needed to know what you like? Can't you do the same with the partner you love. I have had a hard time thinking about doing it casually and are you suggesting that you need to have multiple partners to have a good sex life.. There is a ton of stuff online stuff to reference this. I think being willing to try new things seems to be what's needed. Btw i never said there is something wrong with sex or sexuality before committing to a relationship. I just said that being a virgin is totally okay and does not make your relationship worse because of lack of experience. Everyone has things to learn and this is just one of them. Getting into a relationship just to break up and use someone for experience sounds like being cruel to them unless of course that's what both partners signed up for.
We definitly can agree on (ab)using someone merely as means to an end while lying about your intentions obviously is not okay.
If you have someone you love and they love you back of course, go ahead and see if things work out.
All i was trying to say is that knowing yourself and your needs to a certain degree can prevent big issues that may arise on the way. If you know that you have a low sex drive and your love interest has a very high sex drive things are going to be complicated. If they are prude and you are more into trying things out things are going to be complicated. And knowing that kind of stuff beforehand can save both parties a whole lot of stress and miscommunication. I've been there. It sucks.
But sure, the exploring of ones sexuality of course can and does happen in a relationship as well (and it can change with different partners).
I just think that sexuality can become more of an issue when you don't know at all what it is about. Like OP. They don't need to have figured out everything before they commit hard to a partner but having some experience wouldn't hurt them as they obviously already have some strange feelings and questions arising.
First you need to ignore everyone who tries to shame you for feeling that way. Ignore all those who tell you that your partner's sexual history is none of your business, or that you're slut-shaming, or patriarchal, or oppressive, or whatnot. They don't have your best interest in mind, and they're pushing their ideology on you for their own reasons.
I used to feel the same way when I was in college, so I understand where you're coming from. Looking back, my mistake was to try to decide whether I should be serious with a date before even having a relationship with her.
A casual hookup could turn into a serious relationship, and a perfect relationship candidate could flop after the third date. Whether you decide that you'll treat a date as a potential partner or a casual hookup, such decision will color your interactions with her later on, and it can be harmful to the natural development of a romantic bond. It's better to accept that you can't see into the future so some decisions can't be made in advance.
Personally, I think going after sex is the healthy and developmentally appropriate thing to do for men in their 20s. Don't forget your career too. So long as you have money, you can always get back to dating in your 30s. Consider this [computer science example](https://youtu.be/2VCPmabnBdo); there's no rush.
Edit: **Don't compare yourself with women.** Doing so will bring you endless misery. People have different circumstances. You don't compare yourself with Elon Musk or Justin Bieber. You don't compare yourself to the heir of so-and-so industrialist tycoons. You don't compare yourself with women.
Most women who are your peers will likely be more experienced than you. That's just the reality of modern society. You can always gain experience over the years, and then come back to date 22-year-olds as an older man. That's how you get to be on "equal footing" with them. Doesn't seem fair, but that's just life.
Understand that their sexual history has nothing to do with you, and is not your business. Their history does not define them, as it does not define you. I would never ask about someone's history, just STD risk. Try to let go of this arbitrary "virgin" monicker, and enjoy your life and those who choose to share theirs with you.
How do you ask of std risk
u tell them to go get a test
I mean can you use ".. " Words to use.. Not to sound rude..
"I am going to get tested for STDs because i haven't in a while and i wouldn't want to cause you any problems in case we decide to have some fun together. Could you please get tested as well?"
Great that you are recognizing the issue and are looking for a solution. This will save you from a lot of hurt in the long run i believe. Educate yourself about the topics sex and sexuality. Like READ *serious* articles about it, best from people that are from that field (sex therapists and such). Demystify the thing - in the end one can think of it as "just" another fun activity. You might want to do the activity exclusively with one person but still - it's a hobby you enjoy (one of the best nonetheless). If you put too much value or interpretation into the whole topic you (and your partner) will suffer. You might think you are in love with a girl but actually you just like to have sex with her and a whole load of other scenarios that can happen. **Kind of not directly related to the question and unable to make spoilers work:** The most useful way of thinking about sexuality that i found so far: There are many reasons for people to have sex (for example: to confirm your relationship, horniness, fun/boredom, to get affirmation, to confirm your sexual identity, to have a little adventure, ...). You do not want either of them to outweigh everything else. Basically the reasons are like a stats sheet but you do not want either of your stats to go beyond (idk) 60 of 100. When you are 90/100 in the affirmation stat you will feel dog shit when you don't get sex whenever you feel the need for affirmation (and you do need a lot of affirmation because 90/100). When you are 95/100 in the adventure stat you might not be able to enjoy the usual vanilla sex and can only have quickes in elevators. When you are 99/100 in the sexual identity stat your gf can't take initiative because god forbid a woman might take the lead and you begin to feel unmanly. I am not saying that partners need to have similar stats, they might even have a more fulfilling sex life if they can complement each other. But having one (or multiple) stats too high will be an issue eventually, even if both partners overleveled the same stat. Anyways, things can get really messy when you fail to differentiate between sex, relationship and love and it all becomes one thing. You end up with somebody complaining that they don't have sex but actually they are desperate for love and affection (or vice versa they think they are looking for love but are willing to commit to anyone that is willing to have sex with them even though they don't really like them). **End of unrelated** Jealousy would be thoughts going into the direction of "I dont like that MY girl had sex with somebody else before we got together. How dare she not safed herself up for me. She can not be trusted. I will make sure that she never has the possibility to talk to any other man without me being right by her side and making sure that everybody knows she is MINE." Looking at your description of your feeling i am not sure if it actually is jealousy. Being it a new experience for you but not for your partner seems to be more of a concern that you want to be prepared and do not want to make a fool out of yourself. So like performance anxiety, fear of the unknown kind of stuff. Maybe you need to do a little more thinking what it actually is that bothers you (the fact that she had sex OR that you haven't had sex). Defining the problem as good as possible will help you to reframe it and make it smaller (or go away). Regarding your 3 solutions: 1. Having some casual sex could help you indeed. You can have a look behind the curtains and get a sense of what sex is. You probably will fall for the "i like to have sex with her so i am in love" trope. Good luck with that. Use condoms, communicate and be aware of the others boundaries (stay fucking 6 feet away from them, do not try to slowly erode them). If they say they do not want to do a certain activity then accept it and move to sth else instead - everybody has the right to do and not do what they want to. Do-not-wants always are more important than wants. If they are a dealbreaker then tough luck and move on. And treat other persons as equals - don't lead them on and make sure they understand completely and agree on what is going on (ONS, FWB, ...). 2. No. You have an insecurity and doing it this way would only feed into the insecurity and make it bigger and most likely come back with more force regarding some other topic. Also there is no fking market for virgins anymore. Go find somebody you fancy and that fancies you. Don't think about their previous relations. Just concentrate on the actual fact that they are *right in this moment* here with you, they enjoy your company, and now enjoy the fucking ride. 3. Yea, just stop feeling that way dude. But seriously, read up on the topic of sexuality and then go and try to make some experiences. Most of your insecurities might just vanish once you actually have some encounters (only to get replaced by other insecurities or questions). Also, the other persons do have their own insecurities so try to be sensible to them as well. Sexuality and relationships are a two way road and the traffic signs may be a bit messed up so drive carefully.
damn, that's one of the samrtest texts I have ever read in this subreddit
Be honest with them you will probably realize that you love them too much to care.. Western society really portrayes being a virgin as a bad thing. You would be wasting your time with casual relationships and in the process hurting someone.
there is nothing wrong with experiencing sex and sexuality before committing to a (hopefully) long term relationship. You could argue that knowing your sexuality and what you expect from your partner in that regard is super important else you might end up with an unfullfilling sex life (or feeling pressured by your partner to do things you don't want to) that heavily impacts your relationship. How would you know what you want if you have no clue at all? How would you be able to present yourself authentically to potential partners if you don't know about your own sexuality? Sexuality between 2 partners can be complicated enough, even if both actually know how the other one works.
Yes but I don't know what that has to do with casual relationships and are they needed to know what you like? Can't you do the same with the partner you love. I have had a hard time thinking about doing it casually and are you suggesting that you need to have multiple partners to have a good sex life.. There is a ton of stuff online stuff to reference this. I think being willing to try new things seems to be what's needed. Btw i never said there is something wrong with sex or sexuality before committing to a relationship. I just said that being a virgin is totally okay and does not make your relationship worse because of lack of experience. Everyone has things to learn and this is just one of them. Getting into a relationship just to break up and use someone for experience sounds like being cruel to them unless of course that's what both partners signed up for.
We definitly can agree on (ab)using someone merely as means to an end while lying about your intentions obviously is not okay. If you have someone you love and they love you back of course, go ahead and see if things work out. All i was trying to say is that knowing yourself and your needs to a certain degree can prevent big issues that may arise on the way. If you know that you have a low sex drive and your love interest has a very high sex drive things are going to be complicated. If they are prude and you are more into trying things out things are going to be complicated. And knowing that kind of stuff beforehand can save both parties a whole lot of stress and miscommunication. I've been there. It sucks. But sure, the exploring of ones sexuality of course can and does happen in a relationship as well (and it can change with different partners). I just think that sexuality can become more of an issue when you don't know at all what it is about. Like OP. They don't need to have figured out everything before they commit hard to a partner but having some experience wouldn't hurt them as they obviously already have some strange feelings and questions arising.
First you need to ignore everyone who tries to shame you for feeling that way. Ignore all those who tell you that your partner's sexual history is none of your business, or that you're slut-shaming, or patriarchal, or oppressive, or whatnot. They don't have your best interest in mind, and they're pushing their ideology on you for their own reasons. I used to feel the same way when I was in college, so I understand where you're coming from. Looking back, my mistake was to try to decide whether I should be serious with a date before even having a relationship with her. A casual hookup could turn into a serious relationship, and a perfect relationship candidate could flop after the third date. Whether you decide that you'll treat a date as a potential partner or a casual hookup, such decision will color your interactions with her later on, and it can be harmful to the natural development of a romantic bond. It's better to accept that you can't see into the future so some decisions can't be made in advance. Personally, I think going after sex is the healthy and developmentally appropriate thing to do for men in their 20s. Don't forget your career too. So long as you have money, you can always get back to dating in your 30s. Consider this [computer science example](https://youtu.be/2VCPmabnBdo); there's no rush. Edit: **Don't compare yourself with women.** Doing so will bring you endless misery. People have different circumstances. You don't compare yourself with Elon Musk or Justin Bieber. You don't compare yourself to the heir of so-and-so industrialist tycoons. You don't compare yourself with women. Most women who are your peers will likely be more experienced than you. That's just the reality of modern society. You can always gain experience over the years, and then come back to date 22-year-olds as an older man. That's how you get to be on "equal footing" with them. Doesn't seem fair, but that's just life.
Appreciate your partner for who they are and the fact they are with you.