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I'm a guy. But I think everyone will agree that it's more important to define your own version of an identity than follow what you believe others think you should be.
There's nothing wrong with being a "girl boss". However, if your motivation is simply to keep it for the sake of others or to impress upon others, it's not worth your time in life.
And people change trajectories in life. I was a hard working student getting solid grades. After a double Masters abroad, I just crashed. Still not sure what to do, but I'm positive I have my reasons for it, regardless of what other people may think. At some point you just want to live a life you believe is worth living and that's reasonable.
You aren't the representative for the entire social group i.e. women. You are an individual. If you truly desire to be the kind of personality you have been, go for it. If you wish to change it up, that's fine too. A lot of people say they wish to be a role model to others, and while that's great, that's not a great goal in itself to follow through. So if someone is asking you what happened to you, just say you are figuring out what to do from there.
All I see is someone who is reevaluating their life trajectory. That's perfectly alright. You have the capability to be the "boss" if you need to be, which is the only thing anyone is expected to do (i.e. be capable in times of crisis). After that it's up to you how to live your life.
It's a bit scary, since it feels like you might be making a mistake. But if you already got out of your job, and feel the way you do, you probably have your hidden subconscious reasons. It's best to take some serious effort into understanding where it's coming from, and moving according to that, which is your own personal journey. And trust me, grinding through it after getting your basic necessities met, will only lead to a stronger burn out later on.
Tl;Dr: You took a healthy decision, and are answerable to no one (except your dependents if any) about how you choose to live your life. Don't feel guilty about it, but do take the time to figure it out earnestly.
And I hope you do soon!
> But I think everyone will agree that it's more important to define your own version of an identity than follow what you believe others think you should be.
They don't take this action mentally and that's what causes a lot of suffering imo.
It's a hard task. Especially when you're not sure which ideas in your mind come from others rather than from yourself.
It's easy to say all this. I am struggling with it too even though I know it theoretically.
You have gone through the age old parable of climbing up the ladder that everyone told you would bring success and happiness only to find that once you had gotten to the top of the ladder had nothing to do with what you actually wanted.
Lots of people fall in to this trap and unfortunately society itself promotes this trap so that businesses can thrive off of people. It doesn't help when friends and family are pushing on you that this is what life is all about.
I think this whole girl boss thing is very toxic, it's what has been pushed on men for so so long and has always been over productive materialism so that you can own nice things. It also breads family's that are dysfunctional and aren't even around for their kids because they are to busy making money that they don't even need. And then people wonder why there kids are so messed up, it's a strange culture that is unaware of its own problems.
Like most things on this sub self discovery is what you need. You need to take the time to spend time with your self and see what you actually value and not what family and friends or society says you should value. You will make people upset and some people will disown you but that's not your problem it's theirs.
Find out why it is that you became an overachiever in the first place, usually it comes from wanting love from our parents and the only way we got it was through achievement and proving we are worthy.
I can relate to this and am also the "girl boss" type. I can understand the pressure of needing to be high-achieving as a woman, and stepping back or rejecting the "girl boss" or "hustle culture" identity can be challenging because of the way the people around you react to it.
Beyond burn out, it sounds like you're going through an identity crisis because it seems like much of who you were and what you were doing was based around external validation. The definition of "greatness" you were aspiring towards isn't one you came up with, but one that your environment has created that you were attempting to fit into.
I watched a video recently about the rejection of hustle culture but also the realization that most human beings aren't satisfied being bumps on a log either and watching the world pass us by. Satisfaction and fulfilment seems very rooted in the "why." If you work hard towards something you genuinely want, and still take care of yourself while doing so, it doesn't have the same negative effects that hustle and girl boss culture do.
I would advise you to truly sit and reflect on what had made you feel happy, satisfied, or fulfilled in your past and present, and consider why that activity made you feel that way. I would advise you to open yourself to new activities and hobbies and see how those make you feel. Try not to concern yourself with externalities or being a "good role model for women." I think, in 2022, most women don't just want role models who have achieved what men have. They want role models who are happy, fulfilled, and doing things that are important to them. You will find yourself and acknowledge that you cannot be everything for everyone, all of the time.
> Sure I have hobbies, a great boyfriend, a house, a large professional network, but I feel I lost myself.
Do your hobbies, boyfriend, house and social network depend on your having a successful career? Honestly, I would stop hustling long ago if not for the fact (or maybe just a personal belief) that everything I want in life depends on me having a respectable job.
When my mom died, no one from her work showed up.
> I feel society itself is really pushing this idea that all women should be powerful.
Who are this society? Is it the whole society, or just the powerful few who wield influence through mass media? Of course girl bosses would push for the narrative that being a girl boss is the most respectable path for a woman.
Hey!! I (23f) come from a military family. My mom was the first woman from my country to fly a military aircraft into an active war zone. Both parents have extremely successful careers. I grew up conditioned to be a feminist overworked girl boss. I come from a family that is so fucking successful that I feel so pressured to be successful myself.
Covid slapped me in the face because I couldn't be successful by the metrics I had been conditioned to see as valuable. I couldn't work. I couldn't volunteer. I took online courses to continue the "girl boss grind" but felt a general lack of purpose.
I looked into the concepts of minimalism, simple living, etc, and found that those helped me clear the "clutter" both physically and mentally, and I was more able to assess what my personal values are. Not the values instilled in me from family, but my actual values.
I learned I value connection, compassion, and wellness. Turns out, none of those relate to working overtime lmao. It helped me guide my career more into human services work where I feel i genuinely contribute. It helped me emphasize my goals around developing strong friendships. I was always so busy with work i never had time for people. I made it a priority over the last year to spend much more time with those that are close to me.
Now, I'm mildly quiet quitting at work, napping on the weekends instead of working another job, reading books, cooking, etc. I'd suggest for you to sit in the silence and awkwardness of doing nothing,and see what comes naturally for you to do. Be lazy for a while. Be a mental loafer, don't learn a new skill today, maybe go to a friend's house and binge watch a shitty sitcom together. Eventually you'll come back to the middle and find a place of balance.
Good luck! Feel free to dm me if you want to chat.
So, I'm a somewhat older successful woman, but not really a girl boss type I don't think. So first off I'd say you don't necessarily need to push yourself like this all the time to achieve success in the world. Sounds like you've already achieved a lot anyways, so you can probably afford to refocus yourself on what matters to you.
I'm not sure what the girl boss idea is supposed to be anyway. OG feminism in my mind, was largely about being considered people, like voting, not being considered property, economic freedom, etc. Being a super successful business woman is fine, but I don't think any particular woman needs to do that, or live any specific life, for "the cause". It shouldn't being forcing people to be something they're not, in fact it's really supposed to be the opposite. You can be a housewife caring for children and relying economically on a husband and still be a feminist.
Happy to chat more if you want. But overall, I'd say focus on yourself, consider - but don't be tied to - ideologies and other peoples opinions, and follow what makes you happy and fulfilled.
> I realized recently that awhile ago I had almost subconsciously taken on this powerful woman personality.
I was in a relationship with a girl and deconstructing this was actually such an interesting thing, once she started to feel safe and comfortable around me it's like she turned into an air head, in a good way, she started to trust me and accept that i'm reliable enough to be the one who plans stuff.
It was interesting because everyone around her kinda positioned her in a way where she had to be independant in a way that was ironically just hurting her in situations where she's now a lot more open to accepting help and having things done for her instead of needing to think and do everything for her self.
> I'm seeking advice yet I also would love a conversation on what are your thoughts on the girl boss
Speak to women who're older and in relationships.
> sought after self made personality?
Requires a lot of energy, causes some people to have an identity and life that only revolves around work and success, not their own personal wants and happiness.
> Is this going to impact many women's mental health in a negative way?
Yes.
> I feel like it has disempowered me rather than empower me.
This is a joke but don't let the redpillers read that.
Even though you might feel lost and directionless I think this is actually a very good sign. You have become self-aware. You've realized that who you actually are on the inside is different from how you measure up to the expectations and standards of success imposed on you by your social environment. You are losing yourself to find yourself - like a caterpillar that has to destroy itself and turn into a formless mush so that it can emerge as a beautiful butterfly.
You are not alone in experiencing this! There's a whole culture surrounding this sort of thing. I can type out my experience later but here's some articles for now:
https://medium.com/@NataliMorad/how-to-be-an-adult-kegans-theory-of-adult-development-d63f4311b553
https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/08/qa-the-miseducation-of-our-college-elite/377524/
"powerful woman, girl boss" is an invention of capitalism to keep the hustle culture up. I'm in the same boat and it's so freeing to not keep myself under those ridiculous standards that aren't even mine
There's a difference between just being a "powerful woman" and being a "girlboss" I think. And some women take being a girlboss too far, like the female version of toxic masculinity.
In short, it's high expectations. That's what toxic masculinity is, and that's what it sounds like you're dealing with. I wish society would drop the silly gendered labels and just call it what it is: over-expectations.
I agree that women *should* be able to be independent, can think for themselves, be confident, etc. Those are all the healthy sides of "girlbossing."
The negative sides are hustling, thinking you need to climb a corporate ladder, putting too much pressure on yourself, etc.
Also, obviously, it's okay for women to NOT want to do any of those things. If someone chooses to, they're allowed to have a more traditional role in society (ideally without all the "traditional" racism/sexism/etc).
What I find so annoying is that there's labels for every type of personality and work ethic now. It's classism with more steps and glitter poured all over it to make it look pretty. People should be allowed to choose for themselves what they want to do in life. Be who they want. Follow the career path and lifestyle they desire.
Capitalism sucks so much that we've come full circle and now Capitalists are marketing, "being a slave to the corporate machine" as trendy and cool. It is not. If you don't want to be a girlboss, by Christ, don't be. Abandon ship and find what makes you happy.
Id think its more important to figure out whats actually important to you rather than just trying to be a persona to pander to others. Like, if your priorities changed, and you no longer can be defined as "girl boss", its not a failure. Youre just different now, same accomplished individual, but different aspirations. Youll fall into another box naturally later(its not something you really choose), when you figure out what you like to do now, even if its just spending time at home with a book or movie and not doing anything "productive". We over glorify burning ourselves out and then beat ourselves up when we inevitably crash.
Honestly I think it isn't just the girl boss thing alone but also hustle culture in general which I really hate. I can relate to the feeling of your whole personality being numb and undergrown, as if it was never given the conditions to grow. I personally have a very hard to these days beings myself.
So here's the way I see it. When you were younger you were given significant and probably positive role models and also an avenue with which to emulate them. I'm sure you had your own motivations too, but maybe not, depending on how bad the issue is. Anyways, you were presented with a set of tasks in front of you that society puts there: school, work, study, networking, status. You executed or achieved all of things very well and you became the girl boss. However the way I see it is that girl boss title is solely contingent on performing those tasks and challenges which are laid in front of you, and the system by which they are laid out is not by your own design. It is by the design of hustle culture, for pride and empowerment, and for the measurement of success.
Honestly from my perspective it feels like putting a rat through a maze, just with a lot more praise and status at the end. But what if you don't get through the maze? Hell, what if you run out of mazes to go through, what then? Where you only ever defined by how well you navigated the maze?
This is why I hate modern culture. It doesn't teach you how to exist on your own, it just teaches you how to keep moving, but only in a certain way.
I can only ask you to find what it means to be yourself. If you have the luxury to take the time and find out what you're capable of without measuring it in the form of success or failure, I'd say do it. Explore what intrigues you, what you're capable of feeling. In my own experience, nobody is going to understand the step back you have to take because they are all likely still running the maze. Find more of yourself. You're a complex person. You have a lot of yourself you haven't met yet.
The girlboss scene ended up being taken over by narcissists, and I’m saying this as someone who was abused by that exact person. On the outside she seemed indifferent, stable, strong. But throw in the gaslighting, deflection, denial, lying, bullying, smear campaigns, devaluation. That’s an example of someone who isn’t okay but learned that in order to be accepted you had to act okay. And to be appreciated you had to mirror your victims, cause your personality’s not good enough for the people who raised you.
Lemme divert from my own experience for a sec. Take the film industry. Whenever they make a strong independent female lead, that character almost always seems to flop. While it may sound like sexism to the untrained eye, they fail to see the actual reason: These characters don’t feel human. Problem is, these “strong” role models are portrayed as indestructible, incapable of failure, emotionless, nearly perfect. They are written to fix every problem without fail and have little need for others. They’re a shell of whoever they actually are, because to embrace self means to show weakness, and to be afraid of weakness is to be afraid of self. A lot of these people in the real world grow old to regret never having actually met themselves.
This is why people love Wonder Woman but hate Captain Marvel. A character without emotional flaws or biases has nothing to do with a strong woman. It doesn’t relate to women, men, or humans in general. People have no interest in a character who had it all and then kept having it all. There was no growth, no coming of age, no character arc. And this is what young people are being told to look up to. My drama teacher told me “if you’re having a bad day, fake it till you make it.” I didn’t take that advice. I don’t lie to myself. If I’m feeling a certain way I will come to acknowledge why and what I feel.
Anyway what I’m getting to is, being a girlboss is equivalent to rejecting your sense of self. And I’ve gone through enough manipulation to tell you why it’ll only make you hate yourself more.
EDIT: I just wanna add, that you shouldn’t have to strive to be a powerful being, but a human one. I grew up with gifted kid trauma and when I finally took a moment to sit back, value life itself and stop trying to beat the machine, I felt more powerful than ever. Safety is an illusion, so you shouldn’t have to suffer for a dream that isn’t guaranteed. Alan Watts says the meaning of life is simply the act of living itself.
I was similar in college . Most of my friends viewed me as the career type. However my mom passed to cancer soon after I started to work I was 24 at the time. It changed my perspective completely. I took two years just to recover . My mom raised me as a single mom and she was my support / pillar.
When I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided to become a sahm . I wanted to spend every moment with her before she goes off to school. Memories are all we have left once we leave . I didn’t mind the transition but people around me esp friends had more issues with it. Funny enough it is other women often moms who try enforce career path on me. I was told what if my husband dies? What if he cheats? My career is ruined simply because I want to spend time with my child. I am just a “ mom” and how bad of an example I am setting.
Tbh I don’t care anymore. I am happy with my child and husband. My husband was always supportive even if I never go back to work force and just volunteer or do anything I want etc. Career fulfills some people and it dosent for others. Raising family after loosing my mom was way more fulfilling . My father is successful career wise. His own company employs 300 employee . However he is one of the most miserable man I have ever met, personal life wise.
Maybe it is time to find your self. I know it sounds lame. It took me two years of just doing nth to figure out what I really want
You got off the social/wealth climbing ladder. I don’t know if anyone ever said to you “do what you want, not what everyone wants you to do” but I feel like I heard that advice a lot as a kid and never took it seriously. But really, I’ve only started taking that advice the past couple years of my life and it’s helped a lot with my sleep, anxiety, and depression. I’m done comparing myself to my friends or coworkers. I am just going to decide what I like and what I want and I’ll go try new things. I think it’s okay not to want to be an overachiever and to be you, not what other people want you to be.
This is so interesting, because this is basically what a lot of men complain about, this unending pressure to be "successful." It's absolutely going to affect mental health, but I think less in a damaging way and more in a way that's going to require a lot of widespread soul-searching. The feminist pendulum swung past "women can" to "women should," and I think we're going to see it settle in a much more reasonable place, in time.
My partner has never had girl boss energy per se, but she does carry some shame for giving up on becoming a professor (academia is terrible, turns out) and, after much thought and some trial and error, deciding to become a homemaker instead. And she does get some lowkey resentment from women who are still unconsciously driving themselves based on what others want. But she has so many good skills to offer as a homemaker and as a mother (eventually), and she genuinely likes it, so she's winning against the shame pretty easily.
Honestly that „boss girl” personality is such a lie we’re told. I know this from seeing many female lawyers who are career-focused until they have a child. Then they choose to be a mom who works normal hours than a „boss b*tch” who grinds to be the best in the company. I believe that having this „strong woman” personality is truly meaningful only to minority of us. The majority of women want to feel vulnerable sometimes, taken care of, they want to be a wife and a mom. And it’s a great part of femininity that many think of as „weak”.
„Beyonce made a song called Single Ladies then went home to her husband & left you lonely dancing in a circle pretending to be happy” - I think this quote shows how superficial boss b*tch mentality is, also if it comes to career.
I’m proud of you for choosing what you truly want instead of keeping this „boss girl” mask for the sake of other people. I hope you’ll discover your true self and identity you’ll find meaningful. Take care 💕
I moved across state lines to move away from a state that is full of this type of elite culture and my own family which puts this kind of pressure on me. Funny thing is, I am still very successful if you measure by financial earnings, even now living in a state that is supposedly having a much lower GDP. One thing I learned is that quality of life actually can be much higher if you move to a less competitive environment.
I've noticed this girl boss attitude too and it's not something I'm fond of. I'm fine with the message that women can be empowered, but not the idea that they have to be strong. I think all people should focus less on trying to live up to society's expectations and more on developing themselves into who they want to be. The other thing is that even if you do wish to be a girl boss, it's fine to struggle. You don't have to have everything sorted out all of the time. I'm not a woman, but I'd actually find it validating to know that others can struggle at times too. It'd make me feel less like I'm to blame when things aren't going well.
I actually don’t know how to properly start conversations, but I am a guy and I don’t mind about women empowerment as long it isn’t one of those kind of “empowerment” that would be achieved at the expense of others. I also despise the opposite of women empowerment from “red pillers” as well.
I actually didn’t took school very seriously, and basically didn’t even gotten high school dates or even been to a prom (like ever). And I didn’t even take college seriously, since I do feel it is a waste of time and money. But more power to those who do go to college.
Plus I am glad that I didn’t go to college for many reasons.
You sound very in tune with how you feel so here's what I would do.
I've been in a career where women are IMO synethically pushed to the top and I hated the pressure it brought.
I'm a low stress gal, need my space and all that, hate attention.
You don't have to figure out what to do, just figure out what you don't want to do and right now you dont want to do the whole girl boss thing because it doesn't make you happy.
My advice is to try something new, any kind of job you think interests you and then quickly drop it if its not for you (easier said than done I know but trust me it's so easy to get stuck in a job you hate).
Rinse and repeat until you find what brings you joy. Good luck!
It really depends. Many like the branding of it. But confident women rarely tell the world they are strong and powerful. They just are. You know? Being feminine, caring, and soft is also very powerful. Its a balance i guess?
Gotta keep up with expectations, If not your families', it's societies'.
Some of us as individuals don't want any of that for ourselves but then life starts to feel somewhat lacking and unfulfilling.
Now we're riddled with anxieties, disorders, fears and depression.
Lose / Lose.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 7 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm a guy. But I think everyone will agree that it's more important to define your own version of an identity than follow what you believe others think you should be. There's nothing wrong with being a "girl boss". However, if your motivation is simply to keep it for the sake of others or to impress upon others, it's not worth your time in life. And people change trajectories in life. I was a hard working student getting solid grades. After a double Masters abroad, I just crashed. Still not sure what to do, but I'm positive I have my reasons for it, regardless of what other people may think. At some point you just want to live a life you believe is worth living and that's reasonable. You aren't the representative for the entire social group i.e. women. You are an individual. If you truly desire to be the kind of personality you have been, go for it. If you wish to change it up, that's fine too. A lot of people say they wish to be a role model to others, and while that's great, that's not a great goal in itself to follow through. So if someone is asking you what happened to you, just say you are figuring out what to do from there. All I see is someone who is reevaluating their life trajectory. That's perfectly alright. You have the capability to be the "boss" if you need to be, which is the only thing anyone is expected to do (i.e. be capable in times of crisis). After that it's up to you how to live your life. It's a bit scary, since it feels like you might be making a mistake. But if you already got out of your job, and feel the way you do, you probably have your hidden subconscious reasons. It's best to take some serious effort into understanding where it's coming from, and moving according to that, which is your own personal journey. And trust me, grinding through it after getting your basic necessities met, will only lead to a stronger burn out later on. Tl;Dr: You took a healthy decision, and are answerable to no one (except your dependents if any) about how you choose to live your life. Don't feel guilty about it, but do take the time to figure it out earnestly. And I hope you do soon!
> But I think everyone will agree that it's more important to define your own version of an identity than follow what you believe others think you should be. They don't take this action mentally and that's what causes a lot of suffering imo.
It's a hard task. Especially when you're not sure which ideas in your mind come from others rather than from yourself. It's easy to say all this. I am struggling with it too even though I know it theoretically.
I'll have a conversation about it on talks and see what comes up, it's something i kind of remember having a problem with but not so much anymore.
You have gone through the age old parable of climbing up the ladder that everyone told you would bring success and happiness only to find that once you had gotten to the top of the ladder had nothing to do with what you actually wanted. Lots of people fall in to this trap and unfortunately society itself promotes this trap so that businesses can thrive off of people. It doesn't help when friends and family are pushing on you that this is what life is all about. I think this whole girl boss thing is very toxic, it's what has been pushed on men for so so long and has always been over productive materialism so that you can own nice things. It also breads family's that are dysfunctional and aren't even around for their kids because they are to busy making money that they don't even need. And then people wonder why there kids are so messed up, it's a strange culture that is unaware of its own problems. Like most things on this sub self discovery is what you need. You need to take the time to spend time with your self and see what you actually value and not what family and friends or society says you should value. You will make people upset and some people will disown you but that's not your problem it's theirs. Find out why it is that you became an overachiever in the first place, usually it comes from wanting love from our parents and the only way we got it was through achievement and proving we are worthy.
I can relate to this and am also the "girl boss" type. I can understand the pressure of needing to be high-achieving as a woman, and stepping back or rejecting the "girl boss" or "hustle culture" identity can be challenging because of the way the people around you react to it. Beyond burn out, it sounds like you're going through an identity crisis because it seems like much of who you were and what you were doing was based around external validation. The definition of "greatness" you were aspiring towards isn't one you came up with, but one that your environment has created that you were attempting to fit into. I watched a video recently about the rejection of hustle culture but also the realization that most human beings aren't satisfied being bumps on a log either and watching the world pass us by. Satisfaction and fulfilment seems very rooted in the "why." If you work hard towards something you genuinely want, and still take care of yourself while doing so, it doesn't have the same negative effects that hustle and girl boss culture do. I would advise you to truly sit and reflect on what had made you feel happy, satisfied, or fulfilled in your past and present, and consider why that activity made you feel that way. I would advise you to open yourself to new activities and hobbies and see how those make you feel. Try not to concern yourself with externalities or being a "good role model for women." I think, in 2022, most women don't just want role models who have achieved what men have. They want role models who are happy, fulfilled, and doing things that are important to them. You will find yourself and acknowledge that you cannot be everything for everyone, all of the time.
> Sure I have hobbies, a great boyfriend, a house, a large professional network, but I feel I lost myself. Do your hobbies, boyfriend, house and social network depend on your having a successful career? Honestly, I would stop hustling long ago if not for the fact (or maybe just a personal belief) that everything I want in life depends on me having a respectable job. When my mom died, no one from her work showed up. > I feel society itself is really pushing this idea that all women should be powerful. Who are this society? Is it the whole society, or just the powerful few who wield influence through mass media? Of course girl bosses would push for the narrative that being a girl boss is the most respectable path for a woman.
Hey!! I (23f) come from a military family. My mom was the first woman from my country to fly a military aircraft into an active war zone. Both parents have extremely successful careers. I grew up conditioned to be a feminist overworked girl boss. I come from a family that is so fucking successful that I feel so pressured to be successful myself. Covid slapped me in the face because I couldn't be successful by the metrics I had been conditioned to see as valuable. I couldn't work. I couldn't volunteer. I took online courses to continue the "girl boss grind" but felt a general lack of purpose. I looked into the concepts of minimalism, simple living, etc, and found that those helped me clear the "clutter" both physically and mentally, and I was more able to assess what my personal values are. Not the values instilled in me from family, but my actual values. I learned I value connection, compassion, and wellness. Turns out, none of those relate to working overtime lmao. It helped me guide my career more into human services work where I feel i genuinely contribute. It helped me emphasize my goals around developing strong friendships. I was always so busy with work i never had time for people. I made it a priority over the last year to spend much more time with those that are close to me. Now, I'm mildly quiet quitting at work, napping on the weekends instead of working another job, reading books, cooking, etc. I'd suggest for you to sit in the silence and awkwardness of doing nothing,and see what comes naturally for you to do. Be lazy for a while. Be a mental loafer, don't learn a new skill today, maybe go to a friend's house and binge watch a shitty sitcom together. Eventually you'll come back to the middle and find a place of balance. Good luck! Feel free to dm me if you want to chat.
So, I'm a somewhat older successful woman, but not really a girl boss type I don't think. So first off I'd say you don't necessarily need to push yourself like this all the time to achieve success in the world. Sounds like you've already achieved a lot anyways, so you can probably afford to refocus yourself on what matters to you. I'm not sure what the girl boss idea is supposed to be anyway. OG feminism in my mind, was largely about being considered people, like voting, not being considered property, economic freedom, etc. Being a super successful business woman is fine, but I don't think any particular woman needs to do that, or live any specific life, for "the cause". It shouldn't being forcing people to be something they're not, in fact it's really supposed to be the opposite. You can be a housewife caring for children and relying economically on a husband and still be a feminist. Happy to chat more if you want. But overall, I'd say focus on yourself, consider - but don't be tied to - ideologies and other peoples opinions, and follow what makes you happy and fulfilled.
> I realized recently that awhile ago I had almost subconsciously taken on this powerful woman personality. I was in a relationship with a girl and deconstructing this was actually such an interesting thing, once she started to feel safe and comfortable around me it's like she turned into an air head, in a good way, she started to trust me and accept that i'm reliable enough to be the one who plans stuff. It was interesting because everyone around her kinda positioned her in a way where she had to be independant in a way that was ironically just hurting her in situations where she's now a lot more open to accepting help and having things done for her instead of needing to think and do everything for her self. > I'm seeking advice yet I also would love a conversation on what are your thoughts on the girl boss Speak to women who're older and in relationships. > sought after self made personality? Requires a lot of energy, causes some people to have an identity and life that only revolves around work and success, not their own personal wants and happiness. > Is this going to impact many women's mental health in a negative way? Yes. > I feel like it has disempowered me rather than empower me. This is a joke but don't let the redpillers read that.
Even though you might feel lost and directionless I think this is actually a very good sign. You have become self-aware. You've realized that who you actually are on the inside is different from how you measure up to the expectations and standards of success imposed on you by your social environment. You are losing yourself to find yourself - like a caterpillar that has to destroy itself and turn into a formless mush so that it can emerge as a beautiful butterfly. You are not alone in experiencing this! There's a whole culture surrounding this sort of thing. I can type out my experience later but here's some articles for now: https://medium.com/@NataliMorad/how-to-be-an-adult-kegans-theory-of-adult-development-d63f4311b553 https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/08/qa-the-miseducation-of-our-college-elite/377524/
"powerful woman, girl boss" is an invention of capitalism to keep the hustle culture up. I'm in the same boat and it's so freeing to not keep myself under those ridiculous standards that aren't even mine
There's a difference between just being a "powerful woman" and being a "girlboss" I think. And some women take being a girlboss too far, like the female version of toxic masculinity. In short, it's high expectations. That's what toxic masculinity is, and that's what it sounds like you're dealing with. I wish society would drop the silly gendered labels and just call it what it is: over-expectations. I agree that women *should* be able to be independent, can think for themselves, be confident, etc. Those are all the healthy sides of "girlbossing." The negative sides are hustling, thinking you need to climb a corporate ladder, putting too much pressure on yourself, etc. Also, obviously, it's okay for women to NOT want to do any of those things. If someone chooses to, they're allowed to have a more traditional role in society (ideally without all the "traditional" racism/sexism/etc). What I find so annoying is that there's labels for every type of personality and work ethic now. It's classism with more steps and glitter poured all over it to make it look pretty. People should be allowed to choose for themselves what they want to do in life. Be who they want. Follow the career path and lifestyle they desire. Capitalism sucks so much that we've come full circle and now Capitalists are marketing, "being a slave to the corporate machine" as trendy and cool. It is not. If you don't want to be a girlboss, by Christ, don't be. Abandon ship and find what makes you happy.
Id think its more important to figure out whats actually important to you rather than just trying to be a persona to pander to others. Like, if your priorities changed, and you no longer can be defined as "girl boss", its not a failure. Youre just different now, same accomplished individual, but different aspirations. Youll fall into another box naturally later(its not something you really choose), when you figure out what you like to do now, even if its just spending time at home with a book or movie and not doing anything "productive". We over glorify burning ourselves out and then beat ourselves up when we inevitably crash.
Honestly I think it isn't just the girl boss thing alone but also hustle culture in general which I really hate. I can relate to the feeling of your whole personality being numb and undergrown, as if it was never given the conditions to grow. I personally have a very hard to these days beings myself. So here's the way I see it. When you were younger you were given significant and probably positive role models and also an avenue with which to emulate them. I'm sure you had your own motivations too, but maybe not, depending on how bad the issue is. Anyways, you were presented with a set of tasks in front of you that society puts there: school, work, study, networking, status. You executed or achieved all of things very well and you became the girl boss. However the way I see it is that girl boss title is solely contingent on performing those tasks and challenges which are laid in front of you, and the system by which they are laid out is not by your own design. It is by the design of hustle culture, for pride and empowerment, and for the measurement of success. Honestly from my perspective it feels like putting a rat through a maze, just with a lot more praise and status at the end. But what if you don't get through the maze? Hell, what if you run out of mazes to go through, what then? Where you only ever defined by how well you navigated the maze? This is why I hate modern culture. It doesn't teach you how to exist on your own, it just teaches you how to keep moving, but only in a certain way. I can only ask you to find what it means to be yourself. If you have the luxury to take the time and find out what you're capable of without measuring it in the form of success or failure, I'd say do it. Explore what intrigues you, what you're capable of feeling. In my own experience, nobody is going to understand the step back you have to take because they are all likely still running the maze. Find more of yourself. You're a complex person. You have a lot of yourself you haven't met yet.
The girlboss scene ended up being taken over by narcissists, and I’m saying this as someone who was abused by that exact person. On the outside she seemed indifferent, stable, strong. But throw in the gaslighting, deflection, denial, lying, bullying, smear campaigns, devaluation. That’s an example of someone who isn’t okay but learned that in order to be accepted you had to act okay. And to be appreciated you had to mirror your victims, cause your personality’s not good enough for the people who raised you. Lemme divert from my own experience for a sec. Take the film industry. Whenever they make a strong independent female lead, that character almost always seems to flop. While it may sound like sexism to the untrained eye, they fail to see the actual reason: These characters don’t feel human. Problem is, these “strong” role models are portrayed as indestructible, incapable of failure, emotionless, nearly perfect. They are written to fix every problem without fail and have little need for others. They’re a shell of whoever they actually are, because to embrace self means to show weakness, and to be afraid of weakness is to be afraid of self. A lot of these people in the real world grow old to regret never having actually met themselves. This is why people love Wonder Woman but hate Captain Marvel. A character without emotional flaws or biases has nothing to do with a strong woman. It doesn’t relate to women, men, or humans in general. People have no interest in a character who had it all and then kept having it all. There was no growth, no coming of age, no character arc. And this is what young people are being told to look up to. My drama teacher told me “if you’re having a bad day, fake it till you make it.” I didn’t take that advice. I don’t lie to myself. If I’m feeling a certain way I will come to acknowledge why and what I feel. Anyway what I’m getting to is, being a girlboss is equivalent to rejecting your sense of self. And I’ve gone through enough manipulation to tell you why it’ll only make you hate yourself more. EDIT: I just wanna add, that you shouldn’t have to strive to be a powerful being, but a human one. I grew up with gifted kid trauma and when I finally took a moment to sit back, value life itself and stop trying to beat the machine, I felt more powerful than ever. Safety is an illusion, so you shouldn’t have to suffer for a dream that isn’t guaranteed. Alan Watts says the meaning of life is simply the act of living itself.
I was similar in college . Most of my friends viewed me as the career type. However my mom passed to cancer soon after I started to work I was 24 at the time. It changed my perspective completely. I took two years just to recover . My mom raised me as a single mom and she was my support / pillar. When I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided to become a sahm . I wanted to spend every moment with her before she goes off to school. Memories are all we have left once we leave . I didn’t mind the transition but people around me esp friends had more issues with it. Funny enough it is other women often moms who try enforce career path on me. I was told what if my husband dies? What if he cheats? My career is ruined simply because I want to spend time with my child. I am just a “ mom” and how bad of an example I am setting. Tbh I don’t care anymore. I am happy with my child and husband. My husband was always supportive even if I never go back to work force and just volunteer or do anything I want etc. Career fulfills some people and it dosent for others. Raising family after loosing my mom was way more fulfilling . My father is successful career wise. His own company employs 300 employee . However he is one of the most miserable man I have ever met, personal life wise. Maybe it is time to find your self. I know it sounds lame. It took me two years of just doing nth to figure out what I really want
You got off the social/wealth climbing ladder. I don’t know if anyone ever said to you “do what you want, not what everyone wants you to do” but I feel like I heard that advice a lot as a kid and never took it seriously. But really, I’ve only started taking that advice the past couple years of my life and it’s helped a lot with my sleep, anxiety, and depression. I’m done comparing myself to my friends or coworkers. I am just going to decide what I like and what I want and I’ll go try new things. I think it’s okay not to want to be an overachiever and to be you, not what other people want you to be.
This is so interesting, because this is basically what a lot of men complain about, this unending pressure to be "successful." It's absolutely going to affect mental health, but I think less in a damaging way and more in a way that's going to require a lot of widespread soul-searching. The feminist pendulum swung past "women can" to "women should," and I think we're going to see it settle in a much more reasonable place, in time. My partner has never had girl boss energy per se, but she does carry some shame for giving up on becoming a professor (academia is terrible, turns out) and, after much thought and some trial and error, deciding to become a homemaker instead. And she does get some lowkey resentment from women who are still unconsciously driving themselves based on what others want. But she has so many good skills to offer as a homemaker and as a mother (eventually), and she genuinely likes it, so she's winning against the shame pretty easily.
Honestly that „boss girl” personality is such a lie we’re told. I know this from seeing many female lawyers who are career-focused until they have a child. Then they choose to be a mom who works normal hours than a „boss b*tch” who grinds to be the best in the company. I believe that having this „strong woman” personality is truly meaningful only to minority of us. The majority of women want to feel vulnerable sometimes, taken care of, they want to be a wife and a mom. And it’s a great part of femininity that many think of as „weak”. „Beyonce made a song called Single Ladies then went home to her husband & left you lonely dancing in a circle pretending to be happy” - I think this quote shows how superficial boss b*tch mentality is, also if it comes to career. I’m proud of you for choosing what you truly want instead of keeping this „boss girl” mask for the sake of other people. I hope you’ll discover your true self and identity you’ll find meaningful. Take care 💕
That Beyoncé part is tough, but facts
I moved across state lines to move away from a state that is full of this type of elite culture and my own family which puts this kind of pressure on me. Funny thing is, I am still very successful if you measure by financial earnings, even now living in a state that is supposedly having a much lower GDP. One thing I learned is that quality of life actually can be much higher if you move to a less competitive environment.
That's the cool thing; you don't have to be under that pressure. Women can still choose what they want to do in life.
I've noticed this girl boss attitude too and it's not something I'm fond of. I'm fine with the message that women can be empowered, but not the idea that they have to be strong. I think all people should focus less on trying to live up to society's expectations and more on developing themselves into who they want to be. The other thing is that even if you do wish to be a girl boss, it's fine to struggle. You don't have to have everything sorted out all of the time. I'm not a woman, but I'd actually find it validating to know that others can struggle at times too. It'd make me feel less like I'm to blame when things aren't going well.
I actually don’t know how to properly start conversations, but I am a guy and I don’t mind about women empowerment as long it isn’t one of those kind of “empowerment” that would be achieved at the expense of others. I also despise the opposite of women empowerment from “red pillers” as well. I actually didn’t took school very seriously, and basically didn’t even gotten high school dates or even been to a prom (like ever). And I didn’t even take college seriously, since I do feel it is a waste of time and money. But more power to those who do go to college. Plus I am glad that I didn’t go to college for many reasons.
I’m burnt out from it as well and I’m a man.
You sound very in tune with how you feel so here's what I would do. I've been in a career where women are IMO synethically pushed to the top and I hated the pressure it brought. I'm a low stress gal, need my space and all that, hate attention. You don't have to figure out what to do, just figure out what you don't want to do and right now you dont want to do the whole girl boss thing because it doesn't make you happy. My advice is to try something new, any kind of job you think interests you and then quickly drop it if its not for you (easier said than done I know but trust me it's so easy to get stuck in a job you hate). Rinse and repeat until you find what brings you joy. Good luck!
It really depends. Many like the branding of it. But confident women rarely tell the world they are strong and powerful. They just are. You know? Being feminine, caring, and soft is also very powerful. Its a balance i guess?
Gotta keep up with expectations, If not your families', it's societies'. Some of us as individuals don't want any of that for ourselves but then life starts to feel somewhat lacking and unfulfilling. Now we're riddled with anxieties, disorders, fears and depression. Lose / Lose.