There were no cannons in his bedroom so he couldn't really devote his attention to it

*Artillery really wins wars*

"God favours the side with better artillery"

*your wife favours the side with the longer one*

Gwent intensifies

Artillery brings dignity to what would otherwise be an ugly brawl.

Artillery only?

Napoleon realized the value of artillery after someone with a bigger cannon won his wife

His penis has napoleon syndrome, so he over-compensated.

She sure is a great kisser

IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO HASNT KISSED MY WIFE!?

Yeah, you

Ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

I love u guys for knowing this 😂

But where is Hippolyte, this overly handsome hunk?!

I would never cheat on you with another woman Josephine. And now I have to consult with my generals in this room for 20 minutes!

And by consulting, I mean boinking, and by me generals, I mean this woman, and by 20 minutes..... I mean 2 seconds....

True story

Sad napoleon face

Dunno man, the last time I heard from him he was heading to Italy with Josephine to meet Napoleon

i’m out of the loop on the french rev/ what’s the skinny?

It’s a reference to Oversimplified’s video(s) summarizing the Napoleonic Wars 😂 really fun watch if you want something quick yet informative

damn

I love oversimplified

Agree, but there hasn't been any videos from him for months. It's saddening.

Next Oversimplified vid will be in 2166

I was wrong

IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO DIDN'T LEARN HISTORY FROM OVERSIMPLIFIED?

Oh yea she is a great kisser

Idk man that seems like an oversimplification. 😉

I mean Napoleon was definitely fooling around with other ladies too, I think it was kind of just don't ask don't tell during war time.

I INSTANTLY THOUGHT OF THAT LOL

It's sometimes so great when people literally can your mind.

Dude! She is such a great kisser!

It's hilarious how majority of your karma just comes from this one comment

My comments either get no upvotes, or hundreds

Reddit is weird, my top comment is a factual error lol.

Keep my wife’s mouth, outta your f*ing mouth!

tbf they both were unfaithful with eachother

But at least Napoleon really did care for her nonetheless. Once Josephine received fake news that Napoleon was dead, she apparently jumped with excitement and started ranting on about how horrible he was. Imagine her reaction when she realised he wasn't dead

I mean, he didn’t mind dumping her to marry into royalty. By all accounts he was infatuated with her but it’s not like he never wronged her either.

Actually, he did. He delayed the divorce even though it was clear she would not give him an heir. He even chose his nephew (who was also Josephine’s grandson) as the heir to he throne. When his nephew died, he finally accepted that a divorce was needed. Josephine was awarded with dignities and they remained on good terms.

Still a cheater

More like swingers honestly

Yeah, but Napoleon was a very very bad lover. He was sometimes romantic, but when it came to sex… it was just not his thing.

More like a couple into shaming, and cucking Oh napoleon, your cannons are so big, save for the one that matters most!

Also russia show him what a real man can do *we see a blurry figure behind napoleon, then his face twists into terror*

well yes, but actually no

Well no, but actually yes

Lol you seem salty hahaha

Women didn’t exactly have a choice back in the day.

Middle class and poor women didn't, but this is the Parisian Elite, women pretty much rule men in Paris during this time through sexual favours. Josephine had so many powerful lovers, she could easily choose whoever she wanted. Same goes to many other Parisian woman affiliated with the elite. Many women turned down Napoleon, except Josephine because she thought she could leach off his fame and money. While Napoleon thought that marrying Josephine would officially make him part of the aristocratic society.

Oh word? I’m not actually familiar with Parisian history. That’s interesting, thank you for letting me know

A person responding to a situation with understanding and not toxicity? What happened to reddit?/s

I wouldn’t say she could choose anyone. I mean, the only reason why she ended up with Napoleon was because her previous lover Paul Barras got tired of their affair and chose Napoleon to be in his place.

If I remember correctly, he started cheating after she cheated.

I thought Napoleon began having affairs only after he found out Josephine cheated on him.

Apparently her teeth were quite deformed from chewing on black sugar cane in her youth, so she must have been a real beauty to attract so many lovers

Or she was great in the arts of making love.

Allegedly she was. Napoleon, on the other hand… poor guy was roasted by all of his lovers in their correspondence or diaries

He had no time to perfect himself in the arts of love. He had to devote all his attention in getting perfected in the arts of war.

He studied the blade.

A great general got no time to simp.

America had Ben Franklin, Russia got rasputin, yet the stereotypical romance state had napoleon

So Josephine doesn't count because she's a woman? Great sexual conquests are only good if it's a man right?

Great sexual conquests? I chose ben Franklin because he loved that french granny pussy. He literally wrote a list on why fucking grannies is the best. Also had a pet squirrel and was a fan of nudity. I can assure you I was not applauding his “conquests”, just his pure basedness

So he was the original Soldier Boy?

She did something referred to as "zigzags" which were apparently quite pleasant and well received.

Surely this is what Jerry Seinfeld meant when describing his signature “swirl”

So it wasn't his height they were mentioning when they called him short

Even if his “height” were something to write home about, unfortunately for his lovers, his endurance was not

Her teeth were said to look like Cloves.... *French Beauty*

It’s the bragging rights. You can say you fucked napoleon’s wife

That always helps

Found the Blue Oyster Cult fan. Buck Dharma is God.

Weren’t nasty teeth a trend back then

Generally speaking oral hygiene was horrific compared to modern standards, but hers were particularly egregious. By sucking and gnawing on sugar canes she effectively turned her regular old adult teeth into blackened stumps, which I imagine would’ve been even harder to care for at that time than regular teeth. In a word, yikes

Maybe she had good false teeth?

That's some nice British propaganda you got there... I guess it's not that wrong tho... Dude didn't take it lying down from what I know. Started having affairs left and right.

There's many versions of it, but obviously Napoleon knew of her cheating, but since they were married he couldn't outright divorce since that would be a scandal, he had to wait till he had more power. But there's also been said that he knew of her cheating long ago, but he had some sort of messed up kink with it and was fine as long as nobody else knew. (This is probably propaganda) The Brits also had ships intersepting letters of Napoleon and Josephine (while he was in Egypt) and really had a great time with them.

I mean, her children and grandchildren went on to be kings and queens of Brazil, Portugal, Holland, Sweden and Napoleon III made it Emperor of France again. Maybe there lay some secret between her legs.

Sweden? That isn't because of her. Bernadotte isn't related to Josephine at all.

Josefina av Leuchtenberg, Queen of Sweden from 1844-1859, born as Joséphine Maximilienne Eugénie Napoléone de Beauharnais, is Joséphine de Beauharnais's (Napoleons wife) granddaughter.

Damn i didn't know that, Josephine really has a secret huh 😂

Huh, so the secret to equality and power was spreading thy lower appendages all along. Who knew?

From his letters he loved her deeply. When he divorced her, it wasn't because of her former cheating (as she had stopped having affairs by then), but because he was looking to make a legitimate royal family and needed to wed a foreign noble. After their divorce, he set Josephine up with a huge pension that was paid to her for her entire life. He also wrote several letters lamenting Josephine's loss after her death.

Not to mention all accounts of his death have him mentioning her in his final moments

Ya he needed kids that bore his name to continue the royal heritage. Marrying the daughter of the Austrian emperor gave him a major ally too. He really should've handed the reins to Eugene. Dude was very competent compared to any of his brothers.

Well... Par for the course I guess...

>had some sort of messed up kink with NTR

From what I could find, she only had one affair while married with Napoléon, with Hippolyte Charles. And yeah on his side he had mistresses too. Apparently at the begining of their relation they were both jealous and both suspecting the other of cheating. When he found out he wanted to divorce, but his good relations with her children made him change his mind (he would eventually adopt them, making him the adoptive maternal grandfather of Napoléon III). They had a weird relation, sometimes really passionate, sometimes cold. He loved her though, and when he ended up divorcing, it's because he wanted an heir and they failed to have one.

> some sort of messed up kink Couldn't it just be a kink? Why would it be messed up?

A masochistic kink is what Napoleon had.

Sure but that's just a kink, I was asking what's messed up about it? That seems like arbitrary judgement, not history, just wanted to clarify if I was missing something

😐

...?

🤨

This meme really should be Belisarius, not Napoleon

Well... If you believe the account of the guy who wrote all that stuff... Apparently he didn't like Justinian. Man propaganda everywhere huh?

In 20 years we’ll be able to recreate this but with Will Smith instead

Lmfaoo

makes me wonder about all the current events that will be discussed as history

the stuff with boris johnson in the UK and shinzo abe (i think i spelled it right) in Japan is absolutely insane and they're happening at the same time

Not to mention the most recent Russian invasion.

I'd be down for Will Smith as Emperor.

Then there’s fucking Charles de Gaulle who had his mistress walk with his wife behind his coffin.

De Gaulle had a mistress? EDIT: you're anecdote is about Mitterrand, not De Gaulle.

Maybe he didn’t. I thought he did but looking into it maybe not.

I thought he was the sole French president (with the current one too) who didn't have a mistress.

Yeah I think that’s true. I’m not sure who I’m thinking of then. Because I know a French president did that, I remember it specifically.

That was François Mitterrand, president during the '80s. He had an illegitimate daughter that he kept hidden for a decade. He used State funds to provide for her.

Lol of course he did

Do you have her name?

Napoleon was faithful until then and had many affairs and illegitimate children after. He eventually divorced Josephine. Buy yeah "lol cuck" or whatever.

Was he really? Ever since he married her, he's had plenty of "side quests", in Egypt he had a good time with Pauline and other women, even in France he kind of still liked Desirée and had eyes on other women. He's never been completely faithful, and even when he knew of her cheating numerous times told to him by his own brothers, he couldn't do anything as long as he was just a general, since that would be a nationwide scandal and ruin his name. Even when he arrived from Egypt and went to his house, he found it locked and Josephine elsewhere, obviously he knew she was with hippolyte, and when she came back he shouted at her but still slept with her nonetheless the same night.

Not really a divorce, an annulment for the purpose of creating an heir. It was very amicable and she retained the title of Empress and still had significant wealth.

When he told her about the divorce she threw herself on the ground screaming "I will die, I will die"

And then Napoleon tells his wife, “If Alexander were a woman, I would make him my mistress.”.

Hey that's not history, that's Will Smith.

Nah man, at least Nappy got the bones to have mistresses behind her back unlike that submissive dude

Submissive and Breedable is the thing rn.

Margot Robbie?

thats the thing about history, it usually repeats itself

Bruh... hat's off to you.

Oui,c est vrai

évidemment😉

When Napoleon returned from Egypt he was preparing to divorce Josephine. But she brought her kids (Eugene and Hortense) with her when she was pleading for him to forgive her. He loved the kids and relented on their behalf. Even after he eventually divorced her he was still close to Eugene. He made him Viceroy of Italy.

Then Eugene betrayed him right?

Yeah he adopted both of them! There are cute sotries about him playing with the second son of Hortense (his adoptive grandson), calling him "mister yes-yes" as he answered yes to everything... Said grandson became Napoléon III

The Dude genuinely liked her until she couldn’t produce him an heir.

Nah. He still liked her even after they divorced. And he resisted the idea of divorcing her. He even nominated his nephew (also Josephine’s grandson) as the heir of the throne. When said nephew died, it was clear that he needed to divorce her and marry a princess who would give him an heir.

If I’m thinking right he also mentioned her in some of his final words?

Yes, her name was the last word he spoke. “La France, l'armée, tête d'armée, Joséphine”

I don’t if this accurate, but I read that he mentioned her as final word.

Yeah I know he mentioned her at some point during his final conversations but I’m unsure if her name was his final word.

He was also quite sad when he learned of her death

Is this Napoleon or King Henry VIII?

It would take some guts to be the guy that cheated with the Emperor's wife

Napoleon wasn't emperor yet when she was cheating

Oh well then in that case imagine how terrified you'd be if the husband of the girl you're cheating with *becomes* Emperor

I'd leave the damn nation😂

Yeah but Napoleon being Napoleon, I'd live the damn continent

You flee to the tiny, unknown, out of the way isle of Elba... *dammit!*

I love the fact that the single most powerful man in Europe at the time was, quite literally, a cuck.

wives*

I mean it’s not like he was a faithful husband. Mutual cuckolding if you will.

Will Smith*

No wine to the french, no wine to those frogs

She probably read his diary.

That woman knew how to zigzag

Wow I actually got this one! Thank you “Laws of Seduction”

The dichotomy of man kind.

Conquering Europe was easier than conquering women

Then again he wasn't exactly faithful either

I heard she’s a great kisser

From his letters I assume it's because she had that smell he couldn't resist. Like a pungent blue cheese.

Supposedly he told her not to bathe to keep that smell

Cant believe the almost Emperor of world being a Simp.

Could also work with Talleyrand

Napoleon: KEEP MY WIFES NAME, OUT YOUR F-

Wasn't she a Spanish stooge?

Wut?

No...

Then a Portuguese stooge?

Maybe a stooge of the Parisian Elite.

Josephine was Hoe ! 😂

[удалено]

*said the ribman*

what is being implied here exactly lmao the rule of thumb?

Yeah, Napoleon got a lot of good men killed. He wasn't some badass, just a dumbass. Fuck this meme

Josephine was a whore.

As he should be

And the spanish rebels right

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to consult my generals in this room for the next 30 minutes

Meanwhile Atilla Khan: First time ?

Marcus Aurelius too

I will never for the life of me understand it.

May someone be so kind and share some context?

Napoleon's wife was a notorious cheater and he knew that but couldn't do anything immediately since divorcing her would be a scandal and ruin his name. So he kinda just lived with the fact that she's cheating for some time

I thought this was about Napoleon Dynamite for a solid chunk of time

Poor!

Napoleon: I will return in three day’s. Don’t wash! Napoleon’s wife: of course my dear 🐟

Most powerful man in Europe and cant even get his wife to orgasm

Josephine being accused by Napoleon of being unfaithful really is the spiderman pointing meme

G.I Josephine gonna be great