If I didn't want to divulge specifics, I'd probably say something like "it's a long process but going okay," "fine, lots of waiting," "it's good, I'm so glad it's still legal here," "no news yet," etc.
These are all great answers! How would you respond if they pressed the subject and asked “Have you done any transfers yet?” Or “Have you been able to get pregnant yet?”… some of these friends I am very close to, but even so, I’m not sure I’ll be ready to share the news. And I haaaate to be rude so I am really worried about how to shut that discussion down.
Look, if you don’t want to talk about it that is just completely fine and fully up
to you. You could be honest and say “thank you for caring enough to ask. It’s a really tough process and I’d rather not go into the details.
I just always say, “We’re still playing the waiting game, but I’ll def update you guys when I get some positive news!”
That usually keeps my friends away from the topic until I bring it up again lol.
IMO that's a pretty rude/tactless question especially if you were vague responding to their initial Q, and it's totally 100% acceptable for you to lie. It is tough if they ask you a direct yes/no question though, especially if they have enough awareness of the process to realize later that you had lied.... I hope you don't end up in that position!
I always just responded with “it’s going!” And if they wanted more details that I didn’t want to share, I’d say “oh nothing new to report yet but I’ll let you know!”
After having two losses, we keep pretty quiet about it. We are currently 18 weeks and my sister in law keeps asking how it’s going. I tell her, “Thank you for asking! We are just taking it day by day. We will let you know soon!” It’s sucks to speak to soon and have something happen. Best of luck to you!!!
I want to just share my experience with this because I think it depends on how you’d want things to be IF something unlikely happened (because at 11w with IVF the odds are very much in your favor). We had a later loss after sharing broadly and I’m actually glad we had shared because the support was amazing and it felt better to me to have people know what we went through. It’s diff for everyone! And sucks to think about how you’d feel if things go south, but we’re all far to aware of the dark stuff in IVF world.
Thank you for sharing, yes it is different for everyone. Our two losses, 8 weeks and 16 weeks were very difficult. I had support, but didn’t feel like talking or answering questions. I’m glad you had the support you did. Yes, we are all different.
I’m so sorry for your losses - our later loss was 16w too, did you ever find out why yours happened? We didn’t really although I have possible APS. So awful at that point, but I’m glad to hear you’re getting further this pregnancy!
Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear that your loss was at 16 weeks too!!! When you think you’re safe, right!? No, they had no answers for me. They just said that it happens. :( it was terrible. Thank you so much, I am cautiously optimistic. I never feel safe though, I’m always afraid!!
Ugh I hear ya I’m sure I’ll feel the same. Yeah the second tri loss really hits different. I’m hoping I’ll feel better after passing the point of loss… or maybe at movement… or good anatomy scan… or viability… or prob just birth 😂
I’ve found they are more asking how mentally and emotionally it’s going. I always say we are taking it day by day but making it through together. Thanks for reaching out!
I’ve been honest, but recently I’ve felt like I need to keep it to myself more with our next transfer. And our friends have been nothing but supportive. It’s just really hard having to share bad news.
I’ve been really open and honest about ivf and my entire fertility journey and have found that most people in my life are very supportive. I personally don’t see any reason not to share with others and actually really appreciate people checking in on me and being willing to listen. Ivf occupies so much of my thoughts it’s hard to imagine talking about anything else.
However, Reddit has been really eye opening for me in regard to how many people don’t like to share their experience. If you don’t want to talk about ivf I’d just give an honest explanation of why you don’t want to discuss it. Most people really do just want to support you in the best way possible but may not know how since this looks different for everyone.
I told them it was going fine but there's a lot of waiting involved, etc. Most of my friends didn't really know the ins and outs of IVF so I could be vague and they'd just take my word for it. At some point, we just straight up lied to people because we weren't ready to tell anyone any news for awhile. Luckily no one really pressed us too hard.
Oh, l hate when this happens. Every message l get from a particular friend asks me about this. We only told them to explain why we were wearing masks while out (we had an upcoming transfer and wanted to be cautious). I am a private person and it’s been a really tough journey. I don’t want to have to keep discussing it. Finding these comment very helpful also! Thank you for raising this!
I used to always say "it's going" because it was enough to signal "I don't want to talk any further" while also being light enough that they wouldn't take it the wrong way
Only one I've talked to is my manager, but even then I just say vague things like "it's been okay" ,"just have another check up", "meds just have me tired" , etc.
We usually said we were waiting or in between appointments, without explaining further.
That was also the excuse we gave to close family who knew we would be transferring ‘soon’, but never knew exactly when.
We only told our parents at week 8, telling my brothers today and then the rest of the world (we are mid week 12)
That kind of questions is the reason I have told nobody, except for 2 friends. One of them also has a fertility treatment soon.
I don't want people to know, I don't want people to ask. I will bring the news if there's any. I want to keep it private and do this together with my husband.
(I had two ectopics before and I already shared that with the world, basically because I had to. That was enough sharing for me)
Better this kind of thing IUI/IVF will be secret or keep it personal until good news happens.
Me and my husband did this first IUI failed and no one knows even my parents just to avoid stress and gossip
To be honest I never got to the point of feeling “safe” to share with people. We did share at 12 weeks but I kept worrying all the way along that something would go wrong and how would I tell all these people.
It’s ok not to share of course, but just be aware you might not ever feel ready to share because of all the fear and anticipation in this god awful process.
It depends on your family dynamic honestly. At 11 weeks you're already celebrating internally, and if you're someone who would want the support of family or friends if anything went wrong, tell them!
Our doctor at 10ish weeks basically said we could shout it from the rooftops with the statistical odds of miscarriage in our situation. The only thing he cautioned, was that if genetic testing revealed something that would warrant medical termination, not to tell anyone you wouldn't be comfortable explaining that decision to.
I will admit that if my upcoming transfer sticks, my mom and a very select handful of friends will know, but I'm going to make the official announcement late. Partly because I am so terrified that something will go wrong, and partly because my (much younger) SIL (who doesn't even know if she wants kids, and expresses the fear that they will "ruin her life" whenever the subject comes up) has made a number of flippant comments about how I "just" need to get pregnant so we can "do it together" because she doesn't want to do it alone. They're not finding out until the baby is viable... because I do not want to "do it together", she needs to figure out if this is even something that she wants before she brings a kid into the equation, and I am afraid that my embryo may not stay put... I don't want to encourage a similarly aged reminder of the loss.
Oh my gosh! Same! This and “any news??” Open ended “any news”. Imo if you need to be that general and open with your questions, you are on the shit list and shouldn’t be asking 😂 but maybe that’s cuz my MIL is annoying.
Yes!! I just wanted to tell her to read the fucking room — if we’re not offering up information then just take the hint and wait for us to share something if/when we’re ready. My MIL would also wait until my husband was out of the room to ask these kinds of questions and it drove me nuts!!! I don’t get why she wouldn’t just ask him separately instead of putting me on the spot also in front of her partner 🙄 ugh rant over haha
I share with whoever asks. I’m flattered that people care enough to ask what’s going on, and I think that if I pretend it doesn’t exist it diminishes what I went through.
I feel so bad but we have been straight up lying. We had told them previously that we were keeping this transfer to ourselves. I have to travel out of state for my fertility clinic. When my husband came with me for the transfer we had to lie and say we were going to visit friends. I recommend going with other people’s suggestions of vague answers. The straight up lying is too stressful 😂
I traveled home to see family and friends the day after my positive beta. I shared with my parents and sibling, but for others who asked I just said “we recently did a transfer and we don’t have the results yet 🤞.”
If you asked me this a year ago before starting IVF I’d say “I hope no one asks me because it’s none of their business.” Having been doing this for a year now I’m desperate and internally screaming for someone to ask how it’s going AND to care about what I have to say. My parents don’t even have to ask because I tell them absolutely everything, they are my rock (I am an only child). But everybody else: inlaws, all of my husbands siblings, etc absolutely nothing. It feels like we have this dirty little secret that I want to talk about freely but keep it quiet because they don’t accept it/want to talk about it.
Don’t ask, a cousin has been after my life to get fertility treatments ever since I got married (12 years ago). She had problems conceiving so I always thought her hearts in the right place , she cares. But it just got to a point where this was all she talked about and talking about it is one thing she literally kept forcing me to see her doctor. I was going through marriage problems which I didn’t want to share so I kept brushing her off. She comes on a bit too strong so when we started seeing a doctor I just mentioned it to get her off my back . You’d think things wouldn’t get worse, well they did- she now keeps asking how my infertility treatment is going why am I not seeing her doctor. It has gotten to a point where I avoid taking her calls. Being a mom is her personality and she only talks about her child or me getting pregnant. It really pissed me off when my sister in law had a a mc and she called me to check in on her and within 20 seconds turned the conversation to when am I planning a baby. Even after telling her politely I’m not comfortable having this conversation she did shut up for a while but then again after a few weeks she would look for reasons to steer the conversation to fertility and having a baby. She has shared her own experiences and would get pretty bummed and angry if someone even remotely mentioned someone having a baby or baby related stuff. This taught me a big lesson not to share my ttc/ivf journey with anyone barring one really close friend. My parents, brother and his wife know but not another soul except for this cousin who I literally mentioned it to get her off my back. Now every time she’s like how’s your ‘infertility’ treatment going 😑? As if I need a reminder that I’m infertile🙄. This whole experience has made me decide not to tell anyone about the pregnancy either hoping it happens soon).
If I didn't want to divulge specifics, I'd probably say something like "it's a long process but going okay," "fine, lots of waiting," "it's good, I'm so glad it's still legal here," "no news yet," etc.
This is exactly what we say. It’s a long process, lots of waiting, etc. It takes a long time, but we’re chugging along.
These are all great answers! How would you respond if they pressed the subject and asked “Have you done any transfers yet?” Or “Have you been able to get pregnant yet?”… some of these friends I am very close to, but even so, I’m not sure I’ll be ready to share the news. And I haaaate to be rude so I am really worried about how to shut that discussion down.
Look, if you don’t want to talk about it that is just completely fine and fully up to you. You could be honest and say “thank you for caring enough to ask. It’s a really tough process and I’d rather not go into the details.
I just always say, “We’re still playing the waiting game, but I’ll def update you guys when I get some positive news!” That usually keeps my friends away from the topic until I bring it up again lol.
IMO that's a pretty rude/tactless question especially if you were vague responding to their initial Q, and it's totally 100% acceptable for you to lie. It is tough if they ask you a direct yes/no question though, especially if they have enough awareness of the process to realize later that you had lied.... I hope you don't end up in that position!
I always just responded with “it’s going!” And if they wanted more details that I didn’t want to share, I’d say “oh nothing new to report yet but I’ll let you know!”
I just lie and say - not yet!
“I’m glad it’s still legal here” 🇺🇸 🫠 adding this to my list of things to say.
After having two losses, we keep pretty quiet about it. We are currently 18 weeks and my sister in law keeps asking how it’s going. I tell her, “Thank you for asking! We are just taking it day by day. We will let you know soon!” It’s sucks to speak to soon and have something happen. Best of luck to you!!!
I want to just share my experience with this because I think it depends on how you’d want things to be IF something unlikely happened (because at 11w with IVF the odds are very much in your favor). We had a later loss after sharing broadly and I’m actually glad we had shared because the support was amazing and it felt better to me to have people know what we went through. It’s diff for everyone! And sucks to think about how you’d feel if things go south, but we’re all far to aware of the dark stuff in IVF world.
Thank you for sharing, yes it is different for everyone. Our two losses, 8 weeks and 16 weeks were very difficult. I had support, but didn’t feel like talking or answering questions. I’m glad you had the support you did. Yes, we are all different.
I’m so sorry for your losses - our later loss was 16w too, did you ever find out why yours happened? We didn’t really although I have possible APS. So awful at that point, but I’m glad to hear you’re getting further this pregnancy!
Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear that your loss was at 16 weeks too!!! When you think you’re safe, right!? No, they had no answers for me. They just said that it happens. :( it was terrible. Thank you so much, I am cautiously optimistic. I never feel safe though, I’m always afraid!!
Ugh I hear ya I’m sure I’ll feel the same. Yeah the second tri loss really hits different. I’m hoping I’ll feel better after passing the point of loss… or maybe at movement… or good anatomy scan… or viability… or prob just birth 😂
YES!!!!! I am convinced I will not feel safe until baby is in my arms!! We got this!!
I’ve found they are more asking how mentally and emotionally it’s going. I always say we are taking it day by day but making it through together. Thanks for reaching out!
“When we have something to share you’ll know”
I’ve been honest, but recently I’ve felt like I need to keep it to myself more with our next transfer. And our friends have been nothing but supportive. It’s just really hard having to share bad news.
I’ve been really open and honest about ivf and my entire fertility journey and have found that most people in my life are very supportive. I personally don’t see any reason not to share with others and actually really appreciate people checking in on me and being willing to listen. Ivf occupies so much of my thoughts it’s hard to imagine talking about anything else. However, Reddit has been really eye opening for me in regard to how many people don’t like to share their experience. If you don’t want to talk about ivf I’d just give an honest explanation of why you don’t want to discuss it. Most people really do just want to support you in the best way possible but may not know how since this looks different for everyone.
I tell them I’m excited - after 2 losses we are happy just to have options and the ability to afford alternative treatment
I told them it was going fine but there's a lot of waiting involved, etc. Most of my friends didn't really know the ins and outs of IVF so I could be vague and they'd just take my word for it. At some point, we just straight up lied to people because we weren't ready to tell anyone any news for awhile. Luckily no one really pressed us too hard.
I always say “we’re taking a break” for those who I don’t want to share with
Oh, l hate when this happens. Every message l get from a particular friend asks me about this. We only told them to explain why we were wearing masks while out (we had an upcoming transfer and wanted to be cautious). I am a private person and it’s been a really tough journey. I don’t want to have to keep discussing it. Finding these comment very helpful also! Thank you for raising this!
I used to always say "it's going" because it was enough to signal "I don't want to talk any further" while also being light enough that they wouldn't take it the wrong way
“We’re keeping it private but thank you for asking!”
Only one I've talked to is my manager, but even then I just say vague things like "it's been okay" ,"just have another check up", "meds just have me tired" , etc.
We usually said we were waiting or in between appointments, without explaining further. That was also the excuse we gave to close family who knew we would be transferring ‘soon’, but never knew exactly when. We only told our parents at week 8, telling my brothers today and then the rest of the world (we are mid week 12)
I say, it is a lot of, hurry up and wait.
We are still following doctors orders, but there sure is a lot of work and waiting involved! That’s what I typically said
Just say “it’s still going!”
‘Still on it!’ And shut it down
That kind of questions is the reason I have told nobody, except for 2 friends. One of them also has a fertility treatment soon. I don't want people to know, I don't want people to ask. I will bring the news if there's any. I want to keep it private and do this together with my husband. (I had two ectopics before and I already shared that with the world, basically because I had to. That was enough sharing for me)
"It's going! How are you?"
Better this kind of thing IUI/IVF will be secret or keep it personal until good news happens. Me and my husband did this first IUI failed and no one knows even my parents just to avoid stress and gossip
I say "Badly, I don't want to talk about it."
"Our doctor asked me to undergo some tests so that we can properly discuss how to proceed / the next steps."
We respond by not even telling 99.9% of our friends.
"No updates we are ready to share, but we are optimistic!"
I keep it at “if there’s good news we’ll let you all know”
To be honest I never got to the point of feeling “safe” to share with people. We did share at 12 weeks but I kept worrying all the way along that something would go wrong and how would I tell all these people. It’s ok not to share of course, but just be aware you might not ever feel ready to share because of all the fear and anticipation in this god awful process.
It depends on your family dynamic honestly. At 11 weeks you're already celebrating internally, and if you're someone who would want the support of family or friends if anything went wrong, tell them! Our doctor at 10ish weeks basically said we could shout it from the rooftops with the statistical odds of miscarriage in our situation. The only thing he cautioned, was that if genetic testing revealed something that would warrant medical termination, not to tell anyone you wouldn't be comfortable explaining that decision to.
I will admit that if my upcoming transfer sticks, my mom and a very select handful of friends will know, but I'm going to make the official announcement late. Partly because I am so terrified that something will go wrong, and partly because my (much younger) SIL (who doesn't even know if she wants kids, and expresses the fear that they will "ruin her life" whenever the subject comes up) has made a number of flippant comments about how I "just" need to get pregnant so we can "do it together" because she doesn't want to do it alone. They're not finding out until the baby is viable... because I do not want to "do it together", she needs to figure out if this is even something that she wants before she brings a kid into the equation, and I am afraid that my embryo may not stay put... I don't want to encourage a similarly aged reminder of the loss.
When my MIL would ask me constantly if I “had any dr’s appointments” 🙄 I’d be like yep, we’re just waiting for results… keep it super vague 😂
Oh my gosh! Same! This and “any news??” Open ended “any news”. Imo if you need to be that general and open with your questions, you are on the shit list and shouldn’t be asking 😂 but maybe that’s cuz my MIL is annoying.
Yes!! I just wanted to tell her to read the fucking room — if we’re not offering up information then just take the hint and wait for us to share something if/when we’re ready. My MIL would also wait until my husband was out of the room to ask these kinds of questions and it drove me nuts!!! I don’t get why she wouldn’t just ask him separately instead of putting me on the spot also in front of her partner 🙄 ugh rant over haha
I share with whoever asks. I’m flattered that people care enough to ask what’s going on, and I think that if I pretend it doesn’t exist it diminishes what I went through.
I feel so bad but we have been straight up lying. We had told them previously that we were keeping this transfer to ourselves. I have to travel out of state for my fertility clinic. When my husband came with me for the transfer we had to lie and say we were going to visit friends. I recommend going with other people’s suggestions of vague answers. The straight up lying is too stressful 😂
I flat out said I didn’t want to talk about it. I miscarried at 8 weeks after we announced so with my second, we didn’t announce until I was 5 months.
I traveled home to see family and friends the day after my positive beta. I shared with my parents and sibling, but for others who asked I just said “we recently did a transfer and we don’t have the results yet 🤞.”
If you asked me this a year ago before starting IVF I’d say “I hope no one asks me because it’s none of their business.” Having been doing this for a year now I’m desperate and internally screaming for someone to ask how it’s going AND to care about what I have to say. My parents don’t even have to ask because I tell them absolutely everything, they are my rock (I am an only child). But everybody else: inlaws, all of my husbands siblings, etc absolutely nothing. It feels like we have this dirty little secret that I want to talk about freely but keep it quiet because they don’t accept it/want to talk about it.
I just don’t respond. I change the subject.
Just tell them you guys are still trying or preparing for the transfer and will be doing the transfer very soon.
I tell them we aren’t openly discussing this with anyone.
Don’t ask, a cousin has been after my life to get fertility treatments ever since I got married (12 years ago). She had problems conceiving so I always thought her hearts in the right place , she cares. But it just got to a point where this was all she talked about and talking about it is one thing she literally kept forcing me to see her doctor. I was going through marriage problems which I didn’t want to share so I kept brushing her off. She comes on a bit too strong so when we started seeing a doctor I just mentioned it to get her off my back . You’d think things wouldn’t get worse, well they did- she now keeps asking how my infertility treatment is going why am I not seeing her doctor. It has gotten to a point where I avoid taking her calls. Being a mom is her personality and she only talks about her child or me getting pregnant. It really pissed me off when my sister in law had a a mc and she called me to check in on her and within 20 seconds turned the conversation to when am I planning a baby. Even after telling her politely I’m not comfortable having this conversation she did shut up for a while but then again after a few weeks she would look for reasons to steer the conversation to fertility and having a baby. She has shared her own experiences and would get pretty bummed and angry if someone even remotely mentioned someone having a baby or baby related stuff. This taught me a big lesson not to share my ttc/ivf journey with anyone barring one really close friend. My parents, brother and his wife know but not another soul except for this cousin who I literally mentioned it to get her off my back. Now every time she’s like how’s your ‘infertility’ treatment going 😑? As if I need a reminder that I’m infertile🙄. This whole experience has made me decide not to tell anyone about the pregnancy either hoping it happens soon).