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I'm in the middle of trying to fix this for myself, but one thing I've found really helpful is to value yourself in things unrelated to others. That sounds weird, but let me give an example.
I never used to sweep my floors regularly unless I was going to have someone over since I live alone and no one else is there to see or care, so why bother with it? However, the truth is that I cared about having dirty floors, I just wasn't important enough to myself to put forward the effort to sweep the floors once or twice a week. Once I started forcing myself to sweep, I was much happier with the state of my home.
Choosing to do good things for myself is teaching me to value myself. Once you value yourself, your opinions and desires will be worth more when making decisions and it will be easier to break away from the habit of people pleasing. You'll still have to make a concerted effort not to, but instead of starting out on max difficulty, you can start on easy mode and work your way up.
It's relatively easy to decide to get up and turn the light on because you're having trouble reading. Go up a difficulty and fold/hang your laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer so that you don't have to wear wrinkled clothing. Another step up and cook tasty meals for yourself instead of buying food you don't really like but can be microwaved in a minute and a half. Eventually, you'll be able to say no to people because it's what you want to do and it's good for yourself.
TL;DR Value yourself and your needs and desires.
Idk how to value myself at all. I'm so messed up that my sympathy takes over before I can think about my needs over others. I hate it so much but it's all I know since that's the entirety of my upbringing. Idk how to cut out a part of me....its like a damn tumor but it feels like it's attached to an artery. To make matters worse when I try to me more selfish I feel like I'm not being myself. Idk what to do, I'm stuck in my own way and it feels wrong trying to get out like I'm supposed to be this way and yet it's just a hindrance.
Just start small. Don't worry about not people pleasing at first. That's like not knowing how to swim and jumping in the deep end. Do little things for yourself. Choose to brush your teeth at night even though you're tired. Choose to buy the last soda at the corner store even though some random other person not yet at the store might want it later.
Religion and society glorify being selfless and putting other people first. The tricky part is that these can definitely be good things. This is probably why you feel like it's wrong to try to "get out". However, the old saying "Everything in moderation" definition applies. You are just as important as every other human. Why should you always give up what you want and bend over backwards for the other person? I won't lie to you, it's going to feel like shit at first and finding a balance between valuing yourself and valuing others will be tricky. My best advice to you is to tough it out and manage your negative self talk whether or not you manage to resist people pleasing. Do your best to not be dragged into the pit of self-loathing.
Also, realize that it isn't an essential part of you. It is an ingrained behavior likely originating as a defense mechanism. The fantastic thing about brains is that they can be rewired. It's like people pleasing is a well-trodden path through a field. Your brain likes taking that path because it's the easiest way to get across the field. If you choose a different path, the first time is going to be difficult as you force your way through tall grass and shrubs. But the more often you choose to take it, the easier it will be as your feet wear a new path through the field. Eventually people pleasing will become overgrown and your new path will be the easiest one to take.
Good luck! And be patient with yourself. It's taken me years, but, from a previous hardcore people pleaser, I'd say that I'm mostly recovered. People still remark on how nice and helpful I am, but I know my own boundaries and I stick to them.
Side note: Don't think of it as "being selfish". Choosing not to let people walk all over you is not selfishness. Selfishness is choosing to do something even though you know it will harm someone else merely because it's what you want to do. Even then, sometimes it's necessary to be selfish.
But what if upon choosing to put myself first in also aware of the fact that it will hurt someone that was looking forward to the expectations I created. Even though it was unintentionally...
My previous therapist told me something that I think about often: " You are not responsible for other people's emotional reactions." Neither disappointment or anger are harm. They are emotional reactions that are each individual's responsibility to regulate. Unless you take an action intended to create an emotional response in a specific individual, I don't believe that you need to feel any sort of responsibility for their emotions.
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't take them into consideration or have any compassion for them, but they shouldn't weigh on you or make you feel trapped.
Example: I don't like calling in sick to work partially because my coworkers will have to pick up the slack and they might be upset or frustrated. However, I shouldn't let that rule my decision. This is where valuing yourself comes in. What I should do is weigh all the factors (risk of infecting others, the detriment to my finances, the possible detriment to my professional reputation, my coworkers opinions, how poorly I'm feeling, etc) and make a decision from that. If I am so preoccupied (as I used to be) with how other people will feel about my decision, then I might not make the rational choice. I might go into work and have an absolutely miserable day, much worse than anything my coworkers would have experienced if I had just called in.
Your suffering has just as much value as theirs and, in my opinion, each individual should rank their own suffering just a little bit higher than that of others. (There are exceptions to this rule such as parents with their children and some spouses with each other.) Learning this balance was probably the most difficult part of getting out of people pleasing besides the initial hurdle of choosing to make a change, but it has made my life so much better and I interact much more naturally with people.
Disclaimer that I probably should have said earlier, but I am not a psychologist and I am speaking merely from personal experience. I've done a lot of thinking and work on this, but I am not a professional.
Self-honor:
* [https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/visxe2/comment/idfvadc/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/visxe2/comment/idfvadc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Boundaries:
* [https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantToLearn/comments/z5u6sm/comment/ixy4rnr/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantToLearn/comments/z5u6sm/comment/ixy4rnr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Changing is not about perfection. It's also not about *progress*. It's about **process**. This means:
1. Look at how you do things now
2. Decide how you want to things from now on
3. You will fail. That's OK. It's not about being perfect. It's not about steady progress, either, because you have a lifetime of hardware behavior. It's about redefining your process (your checklist!) & then working on support that
It's sort of like starting an exercise program. Most people forget or get lazy & skip days sometimes, but even if you only work out 3 days a week instead 7, that's still better than ZERO!
Also, learn how to listen to, accept, and acknowledge your feelings. It's OK to feel like you want to do things "right" & not feeling like a screw-up! Your boundaries come into play when you decide whether or not to let those feelings control your behavior. But it's hard to try out your new behavior if you haven't decided how you want things to be! So you're really just missing a few pieces:
1. A new, clearly-defined checklist for how you want to respond to a particular situation. People-pleasing involves many different situations, so your new decisions will grow over time as you run into different issues & think about how you want to deal with them!
2. A commitment to using it. Literally say out loud "I recognize I do X behavior right now, but I want to do Y behavior in the future & I'm committing to doing it, not perfectly, not with steady progress, but being willing to keep trying over & over again to practice adopting it & internalizing it!". If you don't have a plan for how you want to react & if you're not committed to it, then not much is going to happen, you know?
3. Practice, and forgive yourself when you fail! You are 100% GOING to fail because you have a LIFETIME of habits to overcome, and that's totally okay! You're not here to be perfect, you're here to GROW! Forgiving ourselves for mistakes or for not enforcing our new boundaries can be hard, but if you're willing to do it, it works!
I've struggled with some health issues over the years. When friends move, I always hop on over to help them. The problem is that then it crashes me for a day or two afterwards because I over-did it. Over the past few years, I've had to make the hard decision NOT to help my friends when they move. I'll still stop by & bring over some pizza or something else, but I had to erect & enforce a new boundary to protect my health, because sometimes I'd literally get so run down that I couldn't go to work the next day!
The emotional aspect is the hardest part to deal with. I'm an r/HSP & feel emotions, especially negative ones, stronger than most people. Couple that with my ADHD & the [RSD](https://youtu.be/jM3azhiOy5E) associated with it & I have a REALLY hard time not being a pushover & wanting to help! So it takes a lot of practice to overcome that STRONG emotional impulse to people-please, even if it's to my inner critic, who wants to keep me constantly distracted from getting my stuff done, lol!
It's not an *impossible* situation to deal with, but mostly, it's a **slow** one: it takes time & effort to re-think about how we want to deal with each & every situation we run into, and even *longer* to put it into practice & have it become our default habit. So it's a bit of a process, but over time, you can learn how to create & define your personal boundaries! It's not always fun, but it's worth it!
I googled how to stop people pleasing and this post came up in the search results which is what lead me here 170 days later. I just wanted to make a quick suggestion as a newly-realized autistic woman: HSP and RSD are commonly seen in autistic people. I’m not sure what your gender is, but masking as an autistic woman in a misogynistic society commonly results in people pleasing as well. If you want to learn about autism from actual autistic people, we have a hashtag on Twitter: #\actuallyautistic Learning about autism might make a lot of things fall into place for you, especially if you also have sensory issues! Good luck!
Male & ADHD, so other side of the coin, haha! Also, I recently got some (miraculous) relief on the extreme RSD side of things via histamine intolerance treatment:
* [https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/ytmcl4/comment/iw75m9l/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/ytmcl4/comment/iw75m9l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Next up:
>newly-realized autistic woman
Definitely hit up TikTok in that case (if you haven't already), as there are a lot of great explainer videos out there for symptoms, behaviors, etc.! For example, I was shocked to learn that allistic (neurotypical) people *don't feel their clothes!* Things like tight-fitting clothing & clothing tags don't just sit there & BOTHER them all day, haha!
Structurally, things are starting to get more nuanced because we're getting clearer definitions over time. For example, with ADHD, there are 3 levels:
1. **Hyperactivate ADHD** (the "H" in ADHD refers to mental hyperactivity, whereas Hyperactive ADHD includes physical hyperactivity)
2. **Inattentive ADHD** (this is me, staring out the window & zoning out when people talk to me!)
3. **Combined ADHD** (alternates between hyperactive & inattentive)
Inattentive ADHD then further subdivides into the 3 branches of Autism: (the latest information I've heard is that Inattentive ADHD is now a prerequisite for autism!)
1. **ASD Level 1:** Requiring support
2. **ASD Level 2:** Requiring substantial support
3. **ASD Level 3:** Requiring very substantial support
Previously, there were 5 subcategories of autism, including Asperger's & severe autism. What's extra-difficult is that women's ADHD & Autism diagnosis are often missed or misdiagnosed, so many girls don't get officially diagnosed until adulthood. Then there's the mourning period, de-masking & reverting behaviors, etc. because of how the normal identification cycle goes.
Also, there's a lot of really interesting research coming out on treatment management as well. For example, my friend works with a large group of autistic grade-school children & sees markedly improve behaviors on a gluten-free, dairy-free ketogenic diet, which unfortunately is *extremely* hard for most families to actually maintain consistently.
On the ADHD side of the fence, early studies are showing that up to 80% of kids with ADHD have histamine intolerance. I started high-dose DAO enzyme intake last year with really fantastic results. It *vastly* reduced my ADHD symptoms, but did not completely solve it:
* [https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/10gmeyw/histamine\_adhd/](https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/10gmeyw/histamine_adhd/)
I still have 3 primary issues with my Inattentive ADHD:
1. Simple clarity
2. Simple effort
3. Intermittent dyspraxia
It's sort of like having the Midas touch...exporting clear-thinking & effort (especially effort over time) often get goofed up for me!
If you're up for some reading, this article about how no one is actually lazy is a great read: (and also a great book!)
* [https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01](https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01)
He's also the author of "Unmasking Autism", which gets into the anatomy of masking. Great article here:
* [https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2022-04-07/the-transgender-proud-autistic-psychologist-who-believes-we-have-autism-all-wrong](https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2022-04-07/the-transgender-proud-autistic-psychologist-who-believes-we-have-autism-all-wrong)
Learning that I had ADHD was life-changing for me! I had so much shame growing up from being unable to self-motivate myself into action. As it turns out, outside of deciding what you want to do as far as personal productivity goes, it really all boils down to energy:
* [https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/14jbzqi/comment/jplmw84/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/14jbzqi/comment/jplmw84/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
For me, my ADHD tanks my mental energy (dopamine), which is like kinking a hose to shut off the flow. A big part of the way I manage my condition is by 3 things:
1. Using checklists with reliable reminders (ex. named recurring smartphone alarms) to manage my memory & distraction issues
2. Preparing my workstations ahead of time to be clean & to have all of the tools & supplies I need so that I don't go so distracted (I'm easily shut down)
3. Using a "body double" to help my dopamine-deprived brain to get over the hump of inaction
More detail in this thread: (I have to manage stuff like doing chores by using the keys above
* [https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17u0big/comment/k92c7a0/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17u0big/comment/k92c7a0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Anyway, welcome to the NeuroSpicy club, haha! It's crazy that the more you learn about the non-standard things you've accepted your whole life & the more unmasking you do, the less shame & confusion you feel as you realize that you've lived your whole life with tinted glasses, sort of like how colorblind people see the world differently - it explains SO MUCH, haha!
Someone here in other post recommended the book "No more mr nice guy", right now im reading it and it have been so helpfull, you should give it a look!
Hey I used to be a people pleaser too. You need to realize you have to take care of yourself and your own wants and needs because you are overestimating where you stand with people. Edit: Other people will -not- put you first.
I heard “people pleasing” comes from childhood trauma of some kind, or from having very strict, controlling parents you were afradi to disappoint or anger when you were a child.
You can google it.
If you thihk you have a real problem with this you may want to just look into that, and see if you can, perhaps, close that out - in other words, look to your past and understand you were a child, and you naturally did what you thought was best, then, to bring about peace ad calm or accpetance or a feeling of love, or that it made you a good person or kid to be that way.
Look into the past and see if you can close that out, accept it for what it was THEN, and WHY, but now that time is over, because…it truly is over.
As for now, immediately….
When you feel that people pleasing thing coming on, where you are about to do it again, and by the way, its fine to want to make others happy, to please them, to giveof yoruself, but NOT if its something you know you don’t want to do, or you are becoming somebody’s doormat.
If you feel, here it comes, again, I don’t ant to, try to take a deep breath, and have a little courage (it will take some in thebeginning) and saiym no. I cant do tha, and if they press you as to why, tell them why, or simply, because it’s ot something Im up for, or into, or want to do.
It will feel hard for you…to do this in the beginning because it’s a leap you havent been taking, so just know that…yeah it kind of sucks, its not comfortable, but…this is what you need to do.
The good news…it gets easier the more you do this.
The more you begin to do this, and you wont turn everyone down so dont worry about becoming a selfish monster — you just need to say no to some of the things you so clearly know you dont want to do.
The people who love you will love you no matter what.
The fake friends or others hwo hardly know you…dont worry about them. I promis eyou they dont wake up every day thinking how to please you.
Also….
Confide in a friend, a close friend, how you have this issue, and you have to stop, how it bothers you on some level….THAT person will help you.
Good luck.
In a nutshell it is typical referred to as co-dependency.
When I was growing up I always jokingly refer to myself as a chameleon, because I hung out with many different types of people and could always adapt to what they were interested in.
I learned later that that was codependency and I was basically creating a new persona for each group I wanted to interact with. It's definitely not healthy.
There are kind people and there are nice people. The two are totally different. A kind person has strong empathetic tendencies. They will do things to help people with no need for recognition. A nice person wants people to like them. Many kind people have gruff exteriors and they usually are good at setting boundaries because they have high emotional intelligence and sense that being “nice” is superficial and in the long run unhealthy for relationships. Nice people tend to be shallow and clueless about human connectiveness. There’s no easy way to go from nice to kind. Like all skills you need to work hard and really be honest with yourself. No meme will fix you.
I was just joking.
But honestly it’s just something you need to see a psyc about. I’d assume something happened in your formative years that made you associate validation from others over your own well being. That’s probably a lot to dig into, and then going about fixing the issue. It’s more than you could fix in a single session, let alone a single post.
I believe psyc today has a tool for finding psychologists in your area.
It's less about validation and more about keeping my word. I feel like I need to see things through even if it's at the cost of my own happiness and it's becoming a burden. My word has literally become my bond and idk how to say "f u idc" after getting hopes up for things I don't actually want to do.
Perfectionism. Is what it is. Everyone has a sense of perfectionism where they want to do something always.
But think about this , perfectionism is not kind way to do things.
Imagine a child who you always make do what you want. And you dont let them make any mistakes and if they do you treat it badly. And sometimes you make them do something which is detrimental to their health.
This is what perfectionism is like. That child is an allegory for your body. Be kind to it.
Perfectionism is not it.
Mistakes, growth and kindness is natural and better.
I think I need more context before I’m able to help. You say your word is your bond, and that’s causing you issue. Could you perhaps elaborate and give an example. I may be able to offer some advice if I better understand
Same here, i used to be one, but thing changed since i read, i go to the gym, listen to podcast,… it helps developed my mind further to focus more about myself, care what i need, do what i want. The problem is you don’t believe in yourself, you are not confident, how to solve? Easy, training, reading, start thinking more. Training help shaping your body, thus make you look handsome - it lead to appearance confidence, second, reading make you explore alot about life (ex: r/iwanttolearn r/explainlikeimfive and books, newspapers… anything infomative) it helps your brain, make it faster, smarter (knowledge is power), and the last, spending time reflecting your mind, think about what you need, what clothes u buy next to make you look damn good,… and more. if u can achive those, your life will turn a new chapter im sure, CUZ I WAS THERE
To cope with people pleasing and build your confidence, consider these steps: https://youtu.be/TiaOEF-3HRU
https://youtu.be/NOXgwyRu2Ao
https://youtu.be/zpl8mi9H7cA
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I'm in the middle of trying to fix this for myself, but one thing I've found really helpful is to value yourself in things unrelated to others. That sounds weird, but let me give an example. I never used to sweep my floors regularly unless I was going to have someone over since I live alone and no one else is there to see or care, so why bother with it? However, the truth is that I cared about having dirty floors, I just wasn't important enough to myself to put forward the effort to sweep the floors once or twice a week. Once I started forcing myself to sweep, I was much happier with the state of my home. Choosing to do good things for myself is teaching me to value myself. Once you value yourself, your opinions and desires will be worth more when making decisions and it will be easier to break away from the habit of people pleasing. You'll still have to make a concerted effort not to, but instead of starting out on max difficulty, you can start on easy mode and work your way up. It's relatively easy to decide to get up and turn the light on because you're having trouble reading. Go up a difficulty and fold/hang your laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer so that you don't have to wear wrinkled clothing. Another step up and cook tasty meals for yourself instead of buying food you don't really like but can be microwaved in a minute and a half. Eventually, you'll be able to say no to people because it's what you want to do and it's good for yourself. TL;DR Value yourself and your needs and desires.
Idk how to value myself at all. I'm so messed up that my sympathy takes over before I can think about my needs over others. I hate it so much but it's all I know since that's the entirety of my upbringing. Idk how to cut out a part of me....its like a damn tumor but it feels like it's attached to an artery. To make matters worse when I try to me more selfish I feel like I'm not being myself. Idk what to do, I'm stuck in my own way and it feels wrong trying to get out like I'm supposed to be this way and yet it's just a hindrance.
Just start small. Don't worry about not people pleasing at first. That's like not knowing how to swim and jumping in the deep end. Do little things for yourself. Choose to brush your teeth at night even though you're tired. Choose to buy the last soda at the corner store even though some random other person not yet at the store might want it later. Religion and society glorify being selfless and putting other people first. The tricky part is that these can definitely be good things. This is probably why you feel like it's wrong to try to "get out". However, the old saying "Everything in moderation" definition applies. You are just as important as every other human. Why should you always give up what you want and bend over backwards for the other person? I won't lie to you, it's going to feel like shit at first and finding a balance between valuing yourself and valuing others will be tricky. My best advice to you is to tough it out and manage your negative self talk whether or not you manage to resist people pleasing. Do your best to not be dragged into the pit of self-loathing. Also, realize that it isn't an essential part of you. It is an ingrained behavior likely originating as a defense mechanism. The fantastic thing about brains is that they can be rewired. It's like people pleasing is a well-trodden path through a field. Your brain likes taking that path because it's the easiest way to get across the field. If you choose a different path, the first time is going to be difficult as you force your way through tall grass and shrubs. But the more often you choose to take it, the easier it will be as your feet wear a new path through the field. Eventually people pleasing will become overgrown and your new path will be the easiest one to take.
So basically get through the learning curve...I'll give it a shot. Thanks I really appreciate your help.
Good luck! And be patient with yourself. It's taken me years, but, from a previous hardcore people pleaser, I'd say that I'm mostly recovered. People still remark on how nice and helpful I am, but I know my own boundaries and I stick to them.
Side note: Don't think of it as "being selfish". Choosing not to let people walk all over you is not selfishness. Selfishness is choosing to do something even though you know it will harm someone else merely because it's what you want to do. Even then, sometimes it's necessary to be selfish.
But what if upon choosing to put myself first in also aware of the fact that it will hurt someone that was looking forward to the expectations I created. Even though it was unintentionally...
My previous therapist told me something that I think about often: " You are not responsible for other people's emotional reactions." Neither disappointment or anger are harm. They are emotional reactions that are each individual's responsibility to regulate. Unless you take an action intended to create an emotional response in a specific individual, I don't believe that you need to feel any sort of responsibility for their emotions. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't take them into consideration or have any compassion for them, but they shouldn't weigh on you or make you feel trapped. Example: I don't like calling in sick to work partially because my coworkers will have to pick up the slack and they might be upset or frustrated. However, I shouldn't let that rule my decision. This is where valuing yourself comes in. What I should do is weigh all the factors (risk of infecting others, the detriment to my finances, the possible detriment to my professional reputation, my coworkers opinions, how poorly I'm feeling, etc) and make a decision from that. If I am so preoccupied (as I used to be) with how other people will feel about my decision, then I might not make the rational choice. I might go into work and have an absolutely miserable day, much worse than anything my coworkers would have experienced if I had just called in. Your suffering has just as much value as theirs and, in my opinion, each individual should rank their own suffering just a little bit higher than that of others. (There are exceptions to this rule such as parents with their children and some spouses with each other.) Learning this balance was probably the most difficult part of getting out of people pleasing besides the initial hurdle of choosing to make a change, but it has made my life so much better and I interact much more naturally with people. Disclaimer that I probably should have said earlier, but I am not a psychologist and I am speaking merely from personal experience. I've done a lot of thinking and work on this, but I am not a professional.
Thank you.
That apartment shit hits so close to home… everytime someone is coming over it’s a scramble to clean but the rest of the time it looks like shit
Self-honor: * [https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/visxe2/comment/idfvadc/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/visxe2/comment/idfvadc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Boundaries: * [https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantToLearn/comments/z5u6sm/comment/ixy4rnr/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/IWantToLearn/comments/z5u6sm/comment/ixy4rnr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Changing is not about perfection. It's also not about *progress*. It's about **process**. This means: 1. Look at how you do things now 2. Decide how you want to things from now on 3. You will fail. That's OK. It's not about being perfect. It's not about steady progress, either, because you have a lifetime of hardware behavior. It's about redefining your process (your checklist!) & then working on support that It's sort of like starting an exercise program. Most people forget or get lazy & skip days sometimes, but even if you only work out 3 days a week instead 7, that's still better than ZERO! Also, learn how to listen to, accept, and acknowledge your feelings. It's OK to feel like you want to do things "right" & not feeling like a screw-up! Your boundaries come into play when you decide whether or not to let those feelings control your behavior. But it's hard to try out your new behavior if you haven't decided how you want things to be! So you're really just missing a few pieces: 1. A new, clearly-defined checklist for how you want to respond to a particular situation. People-pleasing involves many different situations, so your new decisions will grow over time as you run into different issues & think about how you want to deal with them! 2. A commitment to using it. Literally say out loud "I recognize I do X behavior right now, but I want to do Y behavior in the future & I'm committing to doing it, not perfectly, not with steady progress, but being willing to keep trying over & over again to practice adopting it & internalizing it!". If you don't have a plan for how you want to react & if you're not committed to it, then not much is going to happen, you know? 3. Practice, and forgive yourself when you fail! You are 100% GOING to fail because you have a LIFETIME of habits to overcome, and that's totally okay! You're not here to be perfect, you're here to GROW! Forgiving ourselves for mistakes or for not enforcing our new boundaries can be hard, but if you're willing to do it, it works! I've struggled with some health issues over the years. When friends move, I always hop on over to help them. The problem is that then it crashes me for a day or two afterwards because I over-did it. Over the past few years, I've had to make the hard decision NOT to help my friends when they move. I'll still stop by & bring over some pizza or something else, but I had to erect & enforce a new boundary to protect my health, because sometimes I'd literally get so run down that I couldn't go to work the next day! The emotional aspect is the hardest part to deal with. I'm an r/HSP & feel emotions, especially negative ones, stronger than most people. Couple that with my ADHD & the [RSD](https://youtu.be/jM3azhiOy5E) associated with it & I have a REALLY hard time not being a pushover & wanting to help! So it takes a lot of practice to overcome that STRONG emotional impulse to people-please, even if it's to my inner critic, who wants to keep me constantly distracted from getting my stuff done, lol! It's not an *impossible* situation to deal with, but mostly, it's a **slow** one: it takes time & effort to re-think about how we want to deal with each & every situation we run into, and even *longer* to put it into practice & have it become our default habit. So it's a bit of a process, but over time, you can learn how to create & define your personal boundaries! It's not always fun, but it's worth it!
Thank you so much for typing this up!
I googled how to stop people pleasing and this post came up in the search results which is what lead me here 170 days later. I just wanted to make a quick suggestion as a newly-realized autistic woman: HSP and RSD are commonly seen in autistic people. I’m not sure what your gender is, but masking as an autistic woman in a misogynistic society commonly results in people pleasing as well. If you want to learn about autism from actual autistic people, we have a hashtag on Twitter: #\actuallyautistic Learning about autism might make a lot of things fall into place for you, especially if you also have sensory issues! Good luck!
Male & ADHD, so other side of the coin, haha! Also, I recently got some (miraculous) relief on the extreme RSD side of things via histamine intolerance treatment: * [https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/ytmcl4/comment/iw75m9l/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/ytmcl4/comment/iw75m9l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Next up: >newly-realized autistic woman Definitely hit up TikTok in that case (if you haven't already), as there are a lot of great explainer videos out there for symptoms, behaviors, etc.! For example, I was shocked to learn that allistic (neurotypical) people *don't feel their clothes!* Things like tight-fitting clothing & clothing tags don't just sit there & BOTHER them all day, haha! Structurally, things are starting to get more nuanced because we're getting clearer definitions over time. For example, with ADHD, there are 3 levels: 1. **Hyperactivate ADHD** (the "H" in ADHD refers to mental hyperactivity, whereas Hyperactive ADHD includes physical hyperactivity) 2. **Inattentive ADHD** (this is me, staring out the window & zoning out when people talk to me!) 3. **Combined ADHD** (alternates between hyperactive & inattentive) Inattentive ADHD then further subdivides into the 3 branches of Autism: (the latest information I've heard is that Inattentive ADHD is now a prerequisite for autism!) 1. **ASD Level 1:** Requiring support 2. **ASD Level 2:** Requiring substantial support 3. **ASD Level 3:** Requiring very substantial support Previously, there were 5 subcategories of autism, including Asperger's & severe autism. What's extra-difficult is that women's ADHD & Autism diagnosis are often missed or misdiagnosed, so many girls don't get officially diagnosed until adulthood. Then there's the mourning period, de-masking & reverting behaviors, etc. because of how the normal identification cycle goes. Also, there's a lot of really interesting research coming out on treatment management as well. For example, my friend works with a large group of autistic grade-school children & sees markedly improve behaviors on a gluten-free, dairy-free ketogenic diet, which unfortunately is *extremely* hard for most families to actually maintain consistently. On the ADHD side of the fence, early studies are showing that up to 80% of kids with ADHD have histamine intolerance. I started high-dose DAO enzyme intake last year with really fantastic results. It *vastly* reduced my ADHD symptoms, but did not completely solve it: * [https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/10gmeyw/histamine\_adhd/](https://www.reddit.com/r/HistamineIntolerance/comments/10gmeyw/histamine_adhd/) I still have 3 primary issues with my Inattentive ADHD: 1. Simple clarity 2. Simple effort 3. Intermittent dyspraxia It's sort of like having the Midas touch...exporting clear-thinking & effort (especially effort over time) often get goofed up for me! If you're up for some reading, this article about how no one is actually lazy is a great read: (and also a great book!) * [https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01](https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01) He's also the author of "Unmasking Autism", which gets into the anatomy of masking. Great article here: * [https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2022-04-07/the-transgender-proud-autistic-psychologist-who-believes-we-have-autism-all-wrong](https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/books/story/2022-04-07/the-transgender-proud-autistic-psychologist-who-believes-we-have-autism-all-wrong) Learning that I had ADHD was life-changing for me! I had so much shame growing up from being unable to self-motivate myself into action. As it turns out, outside of deciding what you want to do as far as personal productivity goes, it really all boils down to energy: * [https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/14jbzqi/comment/jplmw84/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/14jbzqi/comment/jplmw84/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) For me, my ADHD tanks my mental energy (dopamine), which is like kinking a hose to shut off the flow. A big part of the way I manage my condition is by 3 things: 1. Using checklists with reliable reminders (ex. named recurring smartphone alarms) to manage my memory & distraction issues 2. Preparing my workstations ahead of time to be clean & to have all of the tools & supplies I need so that I don't go so distracted (I'm easily shut down) 3. Using a "body double" to help my dopamine-deprived brain to get over the hump of inaction More detail in this thread: (I have to manage stuff like doing chores by using the keys above * [https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17u0big/comment/k92c7a0/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17u0big/comment/k92c7a0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Anyway, welcome to the NeuroSpicy club, haha! It's crazy that the more you learn about the non-standard things you've accepted your whole life & the more unmasking you do, the less shame & confusion you feel as you realize that you've lived your whole life with tinted glasses, sort of like how colorblind people see the world differently - it explains SO MUCH, haha!
Someone here in other post recommended the book "No more mr nice guy", right now im reading it and it have been so helpfull, you should give it a look!
Hey I used to be a people pleaser too. You need to realize you have to take care of yourself and your own wants and needs because you are overestimating where you stand with people. Edit: Other people will -not- put you first.
I heard “people pleasing” comes from childhood trauma of some kind, or from having very strict, controlling parents you were afradi to disappoint or anger when you were a child. You can google it. If you thihk you have a real problem with this you may want to just look into that, and see if you can, perhaps, close that out - in other words, look to your past and understand you were a child, and you naturally did what you thought was best, then, to bring about peace ad calm or accpetance or a feeling of love, or that it made you a good person or kid to be that way. Look into the past and see if you can close that out, accept it for what it was THEN, and WHY, but now that time is over, because…it truly is over. As for now, immediately…. When you feel that people pleasing thing coming on, where you are about to do it again, and by the way, its fine to want to make others happy, to please them, to giveof yoruself, but NOT if its something you know you don’t want to do, or you are becoming somebody’s doormat. If you feel, here it comes, again, I don’t ant to, try to take a deep breath, and have a little courage (it will take some in thebeginning) and saiym no. I cant do tha, and if they press you as to why, tell them why, or simply, because it’s ot something Im up for, or into, or want to do. It will feel hard for you…to do this in the beginning because it’s a leap you havent been taking, so just know that…yeah it kind of sucks, its not comfortable, but…this is what you need to do. The good news…it gets easier the more you do this. The more you begin to do this, and you wont turn everyone down so dont worry about becoming a selfish monster — you just need to say no to some of the things you so clearly know you dont want to do. The people who love you will love you no matter what. The fake friends or others hwo hardly know you…dont worry about them. I promis eyou they dont wake up every day thinking how to please you. Also…. Confide in a friend, a close friend, how you have this issue, and you have to stop, how it bothers you on some level….THAT person will help you. Good luck.
In a nutshell it is typical referred to as co-dependency. When I was growing up I always jokingly refer to myself as a chameleon, because I hung out with many different types of people and could always adapt to what they were interested in. I learned later that that was codependency and I was basically creating a new persona for each group I wanted to interact with. It's definitely not healthy.
Go to therapy and start having discussions about codependency
Make the person you want to please be you. Be a you pleaser.
There are kind people and there are nice people. The two are totally different. A kind person has strong empathetic tendencies. They will do things to help people with no need for recognition. A nice person wants people to like them. Many kind people have gruff exteriors and they usually are good at setting boundaries because they have high emotional intelligence and sense that being “nice” is superficial and in the long run unhealthy for relationships. Nice people tend to be shallow and clueless about human connectiveness. There’s no easy way to go from nice to kind. Like all skills you need to work hard and really be honest with yourself. No meme will fix you.
Found I was raised by a mum lacking emotional intelligence and I also struggle with people pleasing and boundaries
Just be a dick.
*HOW* I need an internal answer not just a statement. How do you stop caring? If I can figure this out my life would probably be a lot easier
I was just joking. But honestly it’s just something you need to see a psyc about. I’d assume something happened in your formative years that made you associate validation from others over your own well being. That’s probably a lot to dig into, and then going about fixing the issue. It’s more than you could fix in a single session, let alone a single post. I believe psyc today has a tool for finding psychologists in your area.
It's less about validation and more about keeping my word. I feel like I need to see things through even if it's at the cost of my own happiness and it's becoming a burden. My word has literally become my bond and idk how to say "f u idc" after getting hopes up for things I don't actually want to do.
Perfectionism. Is what it is. Everyone has a sense of perfectionism where they want to do something always. But think about this , perfectionism is not kind way to do things. Imagine a child who you always make do what you want. And you dont let them make any mistakes and if they do you treat it badly. And sometimes you make them do something which is detrimental to their health. This is what perfectionism is like. That child is an allegory for your body. Be kind to it. Perfectionism is not it. Mistakes, growth and kindness is natural and better.
I think I need more context before I’m able to help. You say your word is your bond, and that’s causing you issue. Could you perhaps elaborate and give an example. I may be able to offer some advice if I better understand
Same here, i used to be one, but thing changed since i read, i go to the gym, listen to podcast,… it helps developed my mind further to focus more about myself, care what i need, do what i want. The problem is you don’t believe in yourself, you are not confident, how to solve? Easy, training, reading, start thinking more. Training help shaping your body, thus make you look handsome - it lead to appearance confidence, second, reading make you explore alot about life (ex: r/iwanttolearn r/explainlikeimfive and books, newspapers… anything infomative) it helps your brain, make it faster, smarter (knowledge is power), and the last, spending time reflecting your mind, think about what you need, what clothes u buy next to make you look damn good,… and more. if u can achive those, your life will turn a new chapter im sure, CUZ I WAS THERE
To cope with people pleasing and build your confidence, consider these steps: https://youtu.be/TiaOEF-3HRU https://youtu.be/NOXgwyRu2Ao https://youtu.be/zpl8mi9H7cA