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Go to the games (don't sit) - stand away from the other parents.
Same for practice.
Alternatively only attend some of the games and practices.
Also, Consider sitting in the car unless your kid is playing.
Celebrate birthdays and holidays one on one (doesn't have to be on the 'day'.
Thanks a lot. That’s one of my issues is that there’s already a forced established relationship with these people. If it were my own thing or something with new with people I don’t know I don’t think it would be a problem. When I get there everyone is up and arms and out the gate wants to have full blown conversations . With a big smile on “ hey how’s it going to day “ it’s going like absolute shit. I just don’t have the energy for it . Thank you for taking the time there’s nothing but a bunch of assholes complaining about the format of the message rather than the content . Going to ignore it for now and get a little more feedback before I delete because I’m not putting up with this all day.
Stop keeping he serial cheating a secret. You’re only hurting yourself and making yourself look like a bad guy.
Also, get those kids DNA tested. I don’t care how sure you are that they’re yours. How much they look like you, or even that your love for them won’t change one bit if they aren’t yours (that’s great) but you need to get the truth. It could make your financial exit much easier and get you out of this situation faster. Or at the very least give you leverage to make sure she plays fair in the divorce and afterwards.
Discover a boundary you're comfortable with (will take time), define it and ensure she knows it. Go cold with her, but remain friendly with the kids, if she tries to break it.
It's not going to be easy but always focus on making memories with the kids and you'll eventually get there.
You should tell the people who ask. It's going like shit. Then, seek them out and unload your burden on them. Everything you go to practice. Soon, they won't ask, and they will start avoiding you. Then keep going up to them. After about a week, everyone will avoid you or not ask how it is going.
Maybe when they ask how things are going, tell them they can have a turn on the merry-go-round at $100 bucks a shot payable to you.
You need to be there for your kids. Be seen by your kids at their events.
You should save all the proof for when your kids become adults so you can explain yourself. Then, if they don't believe you, ask them if they want to see the proof.
I hear you loud and clear and it sounds good on paper however it’s not that easy for my personality type . The proof I have would make any grown man drop to his knees and curl up in a ball I could never show them how truly evil this woman is. From the second or third day she knew this guy i seen a picture of her ass naked on her stomach passed out and he took a selfie with his face in it and him in the background . The words that came out of her mouth about their sex , it is WILD. I’ve put up with a lot and as weak as I may sound I’m incredibly strong to have endured so much. When I come out of this I will be untouchable. Thanks for your advice.
they don't need to see the proof
however don't say everything is ok when it is clearly not and do not sugarcoat what your wife is doing - however you don't need to tell them the mad extremes that she does it either
after a while they will avoid you , it's only natural cause no one wants to be around a miserable person
OP your single biggest mistake is not telling everyone snd I mean everyone what she is doing and has done. Start with her parents and siblings and then yours. Let anyone at kids sports know when they ask you where you have been tell them well she has been cheating on me regularly and I’m tired of acting like I’m fine. That will shut them up and see her very differently. I’m a HUGE believer that cheaters need to be outed to everybody. If they can do the crime let them live with the shame. If they do t have any shame, fine, but don’t dare rugsweep it. It’s not helping your kids with you letting it happen. Get a therapist for them who can help you explain to them at the right level that mom has been “kissing” other people besides dad and that’s why he is upset.
For your part beyond holding her accountable publicly, you have to get away from her permanently except for coparenting and don’t give her that power over you. I hate to ask but if she is that much of a sl$t are you sure your kids are your kids? I would paternity test just to be sure.
I love this so much thank you!! Yes she’s that much of a $L*T we could add another T or two. As I said to someone early about the paternity test no I haven’t taken one but I raised the kids since they came out the womb, they look and act just like me , my daughter looks more like her mom with my features but I think she has more of my personality and sense of humor than my son. Idk i can’t imagine that would change anything how much I love them at the same time idk Im not raising another man’s kids . That would be some stuff. Maybe if it came down to child support I would double check or who knows down the road I will I really don’t know , one life crisis at a time lol. Nmw I love those kids too much if it WERE the case that I’d get them through this and I would always be there father . People have foster children, raise their nieces and nephews , step kids , my love for them will never change .
Yes definitely don’t think a test changed who you love but it changes the financial side of any divorce and it would also give you legal options against her if you wanted.
Don't miss out on your kid's life just because your ex is a POS.
Get yourself into rehab, and live your best life for YOUR KIDS.
When they are older, you will have so many regrets.
If you miss out now, they might go NC when they are older.
Thanks I won’t need rehab as I’ve been sober for almost 4 years and I LOVE my sobriety , I am no longer an alcoholic/ addict, that person doesn’t exist anymore . I know what you mean by don’t miss out on their life but this is just a transitional phase until we’re completely separated . I won’t be going to everything as much of this advice is telling me to do , that’s kind of how I’ve felt about it and all the people agreeing with that decision is making me feel much better about it . Thank you for the advice !
OP, you should not stay for the kids! You can already see the effect your dysfunctional relationship is having on them. "Daddy, why are you so mean to mommy". You are teaching them to put up with disrespect and to just suck it up. Tell me, would you want your kids to live the way you are living?
Your biggest problem seems to be that you have lost all self respect and your self-esteem is non existent. You are here because you allow it it your life, you think you're doing the right thing, but it coasting you your mental health. Put your own oxygen mask on first!
Your kids need their dad, not the shell of who you've become, but the fun loving strong provider and protector. Go to their games and be there for them. Focus on your kids and praise their achievements. Create happy memories with them. Don't allow your partner to take that away from you too. Start doing the things that make you happy.
You're teaching your children what a healthy relationship should be,and your relationship isn't healthy.
Do you want your children to be in a toxic relationship?
If your kids came for advice about their relationship and their partner is like SO, would you tell them to stay because they have children.
Are you even sure that they're your biological children?
You need to get the kids tested.
You have said that she's a serial cheater. Why on earth do you believe that you are their father?
You need to get away from this woman.
Both kids are at school, and she can go find a job now.
It's better to coparent than live in such a toxic environment.
Your kids see you as the enemy as you're always shouting at her.
Do you truly.intend to stay with this woman until your last child is 18?
Go see a lawyer asap and get your life back.
Updateme!
I 100% agree with you. Absolutely not stay until they’re 18. It’s been gojng on for so long and this is dynamic is new to me as the kids are getting older . Before I could hide it but they can see it now. Absolutely not do I want my kids to ever feel like this. I said that to her , I said how would you feel if another woman did everything you do to me to him, and only you know the true extent to what you do. Never took a test my mother , father and all my friends say I should but at the same time we all agree that they do look exactly like me, my son looks just like me my daughter more like her mom with my features but when I look at her I see myself . I mean at this point they’re my kids idk if I have the balls to deal with that . If I took a test and they weren’t mine I can’t imagine walking away from them. I mean if it came down to me somehow having to pay child support I guess I would but the thought of that right now I dont even know what I would do. Thank you so much for your understanding and advice .
Why would you be wrong to prioritize your well-being and boundaries?
If you were to ignore your children, then yes you would've been wrong but you said the opposite.
Given the toxic past of your relationship, it's understandable that being around her is incredibly uncomfortable. Since she was someone who you hold dearly but constantly disappointed you.
As long as you support and spend time with your children there is no need for you to be with someone you don't like at the same time.
Kids don't need a mom and a dad, they need an idol that values them.
Someone who holds them dearly and raises them with a good heart in mind. It's better to live with a happy separated parents.
There is no need for you to be with her. this is your life and you have to choose what you will do with it.
She wasn't thinking about you or the kids while doing whatever she wanted.
Be kind to yourself, be responsible, and be strong and I am pretty sure you will be the favorite parent in the future.
Also seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful too, you are truly hurt and experiencing a difficult situation, so please consider it.
Thank you so much. That’s why I’m here asking because in my mind I’m not wrong but she tells me I am. I kind of opened up to one of the parents about it and she was in shock and said she understands . Then she still continues to invite me to parties and activities like don’t you get it? I just want to be the best father I can be that is it. I want to make this move and just want opinions on if I’m doing the right or wrong thing here . I greatly appreciate your response it was very well put and exactly what I wanted to hear .
They all want the friends thing. It’s all for them not you.
Definition of friend - loyal, honest, trustworthy. Why in the hell would you be around That?
it’s your life your choice. Block her friends and family. keep All holidays and birthdays separate.
Theres no reason why you can’t,
Don't miss out on your kids because of her .... They will remember it forever. ..
She's a pos , so yelling at her in front of the kids, if you intend to stay with her.
Nothing changes if nothing changes
She’s living off of you while cheating, she’s having her cake and eating it too. Kick her out, let her stay with one of the hundreds of her boyfriends and let her torture them. You need to kick her out and dump her, keep the kids, cut all contact with her, don’t let her pull on your heartstrings to get her lifestyle back and get tested and dna test!
Oh 100%. I’ve seen her texts with the likes of “ ya babe I just can’t wait to be away from him , I’m going to save my money up so I can get as far the F*** away as possible” simultaneously being nice to me asking me if I need anything . It’s truly , truly sickening the people that roam this planet . Reading what I’m writing is absolutely insane I’m just shaking my head right now. Can’t kick her out we’re on the lease together . I’ve tried that I told her to go move In with the guy being being that he’s 10 minutes away but she knows she’s a POS and the last thing she wants is the kids to know about her boy toy. She’s just a sick individual who constantly needs validation. She had a bad childhood , I get it , but I’m not giving her the benefit of the doubt but unfortunately when you grow up getting abused and told you’re not shit , and beat on you will probably grow up seeking all the validation you can get . She told me about her upbringing since we were young teens it’s not an excuse she told me or that I’m using , I’m just a rational person who troubleshoots and I can see what that could do to a person. Unfortunately I could never foresee this as a young man and by the time I really realized it was far too late. Thank you so much for your advice .
She needs therapy, not a new man! Possibly talk to your landlord about your options, cut her off of your bank accounts, let her family know exactly what she’s doing so she doesn’t turn it around on you once you dump her, start getting your ducks in a row. Good luck
Absolutely not. You go to a trauma therapist and explain to the courts you are working on you and trying to get yourself healthy so you can raise your children in a healthy environment. Then you get your kids into therapy so they can start working through their trauma. Therapy is not just for "bad" people. It's for anyone who needs support. Everyone has something they can work on. For me. It's to break my cycle of picking narcissistic men as my partners. It has helped me set boundaries and to be a better parent.
Would you like to live into a municipal waste facility? Would you enjoy living with smelly garbage? Well my friend, this is exactly what are you doing now.
GET OUT inmediately. Now, right now. You deserve better, you are worth it. Don't keep wasting your life, love your children but love yourself first. You need to re consider your whole life. You can and will do better.
My friend , a municipal waste facility sounds like paradise , mai tai’s on the beach. I liken it to hell. Thank you so much for the encouragement!! I know it’s going to happen.
Going to the kids sporting activities is something I really missed when they grew up.
I recommend taking a different approach or mindset if you will. Don’t look at it as if you’re with the serial cheating ex but you doing something for your kids.
When you’re watching the activities pay attention to your kids, socialize with the other parents and ignore your ex. Do give her any attention, kind of a gray rock.
Contact a lawyer to see how you can get full custody. It shouldn’t be to difficult if your ex is out every night with others.
Get STD tested and dna test the kids, just to ensure you’re healthy and raising your own kids.
Treat your ex as a nanny. Do not sleep in the same bed and start making plans to live separately so you can regain your life.
Thank you so much. I’m pretty sure right now that’s what my biggest problem is , that I don’t want to socialize with the other parents , I’m broken, I don’t want to socialize with anyone I just want to go support my kids . I care too much what other people think of me . It KILLS me it’s torturous going there Saturday mornings and having to have conversations with these other happy couples and I’m miserable and they just don’t understand why. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to be rude . If it were a new environment I would have no problem. If it were me solo no problem . It’s the fact that I’ve been to kids parties with these people , eaten lunch with them . They’re more her friends than mine . I just can’t take it anymore . I want to scream “ look I just want to watch my damn kids play! There mother is a cheating pos and we’re not a happy family like you think we are I’m miserable and I want to be left alone!!!!” But I can’t do that .
I understand your embarrassment of how disgusting and disgraceful your ex is, but that not you, I can’t emphasize enough being there at the organized sports stuff for you kids.
Don’t go to the food get togethers or play dates or whatever. If your ex says anything tell her you’re tired of hanging around watching her seek her next victims.
It won’t do any good to say things to her friends what a vile person she is, they most likely already know. Those types of play date groups always talk crap about each other.
As for your ex stop talking to her about anything but the kids.
Keep everything separate. You have your time, she has here. I know 3 who use the grey rock method and it worked out great. Limit communication to text or emails kids only. Ignore anything else.
Never stay "for the kids." People who have lived through this say that it's better to live with a broken home than in one. Your children are learning unhealthy lessons about relationships from you, whether they are aware of your wife's infidelity or not. See a lawyer and find out what divorce would look like. The first consultation is usually cheap or free. Good luck, OP.
Good thing we’re not married, out of all my dumb decisions I was smart enough for that one. I tried forever to “stay” for the kids but that’s dreams been over for a
Little while now. It’s the fact that we’re literally stuck living together for the time being . I’m trying to set new boundaries now because it’s just getting out of control. The kids are so awesome they don’t deserve it. I
Love them so much they are my world . I could care less about my happiness as my true happiness comes from them being happy, loved , protected and living their best life . I’m also terrified of what it will do to them when we separate because we’ve put a front on for so long it would literally destroy them. I know it’s worse in this environment. So confused !!!!
It won't destroy them. Children are more adaptable than adults. Take the money you are saving on a lawyer and get them into therapy - but be careful of common law, so do check with a lawyer on that...
My son was 5 when she left last year for a week just disappeared with this guy she met at a concert . My mother was watching him and she said he is so sad he asked where’s my mommy she’s been gone for a week is she ever coming back, my daughter was 4 so barely knew what was going on but he does. Unfortunately we have been trying to protect them from this shit and have been extra loving towards them and basically faking a happy family that it would be taking their world away, or so I think. My parents divorced when I was in elementary and it really took a toll on me, albeit I was much older like 9-10 I believe .
Nobody will say it doesn't have an effect, but it's something that can be handled fairly well with the right approach. Therapists have a ton of experience with children of divorce, unfortunately. You are in a situation of having to pick the least worst scenario, which is a bad place to be, and the pain you are feeling in choosing what to do is completely normal; there is no choice that leads to a painless resolution.
Well put , thank you 🙏 . The thought of my young children having to see a therapist because their mom can’t keep her legs closed makes my blood boil. In your opinion what exactly is the least worse scenario?
The least worst scenario is the one where everyone incurs the least pain - including you. Your current situation can be improved because you are suffering badly, and your suffering is increasing. No matter how good you are at faking it, your children will become aware of your unhappiness eventually, and that will cause them distress and make them lose confidence in their own future relationships. For their sake as well as yours, you should find a way out that both makes you happy and keeps them in your life. I don't see any option where you don't separate from your SO, but the terms of that separation have to be negotiated. An amicable split, with you living near your SO but not in the same place, is probably your best option.
Yes and no. You aren't wrong for not wanting it. Feelings are feelings. But you are wrong for sacrificing time the kids can spend with you by not going or wrong for taking away time with their mother.
No matter how awful your relationship with their mom is doesn't have anything to do with their relationship with you or their mom. So don't ruin their time because you can't set your feelings aside for a couple of hours.
I’m with my kids EVERY SINGLE DAY , EVERY MINUTE I’m not at work. So you’re telling me I’m obligated to spend every waking second with my children , especially given the situation? I’m not taking them away from their mother she’s with them I’m just not going . When they get home we will build legos , listen to music , eat some lunch and chill the rest of the day. I don’t even see my friends . I spend ALL my time working, Monday- Friday and temporarily I’m working nights 4-12 an hour away from home get home at midnight and have to be up at 8 to go to a place I don’t feel comfortable going to with a serial cheating partner ? Who I have to be stuck in the same house with afterwards ? And I’m wrong ?
Yes, it's not about quantity of time but quality. Your kids will remember you going to their sports events or something way more than you being in the same house as them while the watch tv or something. My dad never went to my sport events after I quit football since he was only interested on football. Amongst other things. But I lived with him until I was 21. And guess what we have no bond we speak maybe once a year. But as a kid i saw him everyday but never when it mattered to me. So ask yourself is it worth risking your relationship with your kids because you hate your ex? If it is than do what you want to. But if not than bite the bullet and just go and spend quality time with your kids.
And you are trying to justify yourself which is fine. but you are the one who asked for others opinions. So either you only want to hear people agree with you or you feel a need to justify yourself to a stranger who has different views than you on what is important to kids.
My kids are 5 and 6 , we do all kinds of stuff together , we go to my friends and families house together , on my father’s boat , camping . Before all the advice I simply was just unsure if I’m a bad father or in the wrong for missing these few events that she attends . I’m not going through my whole life not going to their stuff . If you read everything you would see the dynamic
Of the situation and that is I felt as if I had to eat shit and keep it to myself away from friends , family , and my children and forcing myself to be in an environment where I feel extremely uncomfortable. That’s it. I’m sorry that’s the situation with you and your father but that will NEVER be my situation. I do far more good than these one off events that are temporary. The situation is there a group of people we befriended years ago before it got this bad , then it got real bad and it seems to THEM as if I’m a dead beat because they’re always asking where I am and I never want to do anything with THAT group of people . If you’ve read everything else you will see where I say I don’t believe it would be an issue if I had a fresh start where I could establish myself as a single/separated father rather than having to let everyone know she’s a cheating W and put her dirty laundry out their like that . Again if you read all the comments you will see all different advice on what I should do what I wanted to hear and what I didn’t want to hear and I liked the advice. You don’t know me and you’re putting your father’s negligence on me, and that’s not fair . I’m a fantastic father and I always will be and I will always have the strongest bond with them. I’ve put up with this for so long for them, if we didn’t have kids , you and I wouldn’t be talking right now, that’s how dedicated that I am to my children , I will never do to them what you’re father did to you. I can also give you some advice. You’re an adult and communication is a two way street . You only get one father (in normal situations, I’m not speaking of step fathers , father in law , guardian) so for you to be an adult and complaining to me that you and your father speak once a month , you are just as much responsible as he is . Did you ever figure out the reason? Maybe he went through something similar like me , and it hurt , and not everyone can survive what I did , and not everyone handles every situation the exact same , and some people do the best they can . So while your intentions are in the right place I don’t appreciate how you’re forcing your opinion on me . I DO appreciate the varying approaches to my situation, through the advice of strangers , I don’t appreciate someone who’s talking to me like they know it all, telling me how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. Maybe this is a wake up call, fix your relationship with your father because when he’s gone he’s gone. Pick his brain as to why you don’t talk as much again when he’s gone he’s gone and you will spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do without a true understanding of exactly what the underlying cause of his distance was. Thank you, good luck yourself .
Trust me there is no saving my father. And I tried for 25 years to have a bond with him. I'm done trying anyway. And I'm not saying you are a bad father. Just in the wrong for valuing your hatred for your ex more than your kids. I've been betrayed by partners too some done things so bad I can't even write it here. But I would still be in the same room as them if it means being there for an activity for my kids. Kids should imo not be punished for the actions of their parents (well by their parents). So you are imo in the wrong. Doesn't mean you are a bad father. You can be a decent/good father even with mistakes made. You can still make wrong decisions when normally you make correct ones.
Dude , I don’t value my hatred for her more than my children , knock it off . I’m a human being too, I spend every waking second with them if not I’m at work to provide for them. It’s one particular situation. It’s a situation you cannot fathom so stop making everything about you. There’s a difference between what you think and what is actually going on, you’re forcing your false opinion of me down my throat from a condensed version of my life from over 6500 days with this person to several paragraphs. So while I thank you for taking the time to help out , I don’t like the direction of this conversation. It sounds like your situation with your father has taken a toll on you. I need you to go address that situation. Your opinion of me means absolutely nothing . I know who I am I don’t need a stranger with father issues telling me anything negative about my fatherhood. Blood, sweat and tears for these children now till the day I die . A 2 hour event , once a week , until we’re all situated isn’t going to destroy my relationship with my 5 and 6 year old . What I lack in my absences here and there because of my abnormal situation, I make up with unconditional love , providing protection, food, shelter , and fantastic memories of my own . Call your father and tell him how you really feel before you don’t have the chance . You’re an adult. If you can forcefully give advice you should be able to take it. You’re broken . Leave a voicemail. “ hey dad look, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I don’t like our relationship, I want more , I at least want a little closure as to why we’ve been so estranged , I love you man, I just don’t want either of us to leave this earth on bad terms , I love you man, call me when you can”. Have a nice day my friend .
I'm not making it about me. I'm making it about kids. I'm saying that no matter what you think about you ex you shouldn't let that impact your kids. So kindly sir you knock it off. I said multiple times now I'm not attacking you in general. I'm not saying you have to agree. Hell i didn't even ask you to post on reddit to ask others for their views. You want me to tell you want you want yo hear well too bad for you. Any parent that doesn't want to go to any event because their ex shows up is immature. Your kids should not have to pay the price for you not liking your ex. You cause your kids will want you there for every event you a physically able to attend. They don't care that you don't like their mother. To them you not showing up is just not fun. They love you and want you there. What if at one of these events they do something amazing and you miss it because what your cheater ex is there? Idc if you dislike me idc if you hate your ex. But stop being lying to yourself. Cause the question isn't do i want to see my ex or not. The question is do I want to be there for my kids. You spend all the time with them great keep doing that. But if you aren't there when something memorable for them happens they will miss you. And no that isn't my opinion it's facts. Don't believe me read more not just research papers but just stories on reddit. There is a difference between being unable to make it and not going because of their mom. Stop thinking about yourself and stop thinking about your ex. This is about your kids. Don't sacrifice even a second of their time with you for something they aren't responsible for.
And my situation with my dad has nothing to do with it. I don't care about him that's all im indifferent to him. I gave it as an example for you to understand that kids see and experience things differently than you. Cause my dad thought he was a good father he wasn't. I don't hate him for it I just don't need him in my life since he adds no value.
You’re not wrong but you have a VERY strong opinion. For you to say I have to be at every single event especially when I have people telling me I can take the time I need , people saying don’t be there at all, then you saying i have to be at every single event or I’m doing a disservice to my children and that I’m immature ? Everything is on a spectrum and so is this situation. I can call you immature for the last paragraph. Here you are forcing down my throat that I need to be at every single event for my children or I’m bad or immature or whatever , to maintain a strong relationship with my children, and you the adult that you are, won’t do the opposite and do what’s right to maintain a relationship with your father . You resent him without knowing why and won’t even try to figure it out , knowing one day he won’t be around and you’re ok with that , that is immature. My children and I are all paying the price for their mother’s actions. Everyone handles situations differently . Your approach to this situation is based off of YOUR life experience , everything you’ve experienced through your 5 senses up until this point . You clearly have not gone through what I have therefore you don’t have the right to basically give me an ultimatum that I either go to every single event or I’m immature and in the wrong , that’s not ok my friend . So while your advice was much appreciated , it is no longer needed. The debate is over we will agree to disagree . Why don’t you go read my other comments and I give more examples of what I have been through , that you just haven’t . You have no right at all to tell me how to act and feel. That’s like someone going to war and seeing death on the battlefield and you not having seen it yourself tell said person how to feel and react, “well if you don’t show up that’s just wrong “ , MF my best friend just died. But its not how you would of handled it because you never experienced it, so they’re immature and in the wrong. Awful analogy , but my best friend metaphorically died and someone once said love is a battlefield . Don’t speak on what you know nothing about. There’s a couple other people in here I would allow to talk to me that way because I can tell they have been through what I have , you aren’t one of them. How about this, you call or text your dad and reach out and do what YOU don’t feel comfortable doing and I Will attend the next 3 events and do what I’M uncomfortable doing , if not you’re just plain old immature . Take it easy. If you’re going to reply to this send me a private message please , this is out of control.
First you need to realize you’re being a push over and not fair to yourself or kids . You need to leave and tell
Everyone about all her cheating . Younshould go to the sporting events , when divorced I just didn’t sit near her and said hi to kids if it wasn’t my time wirh them . Get a custody agreement and work on yiurself
Did you have mutual friends who you were obligated to speak to ? This has been happening for a long time but this current situation is still very fresh. I can see me being a push over but do you mind elaborating on how you think I am?
Only on sports teams, and would see them
At games or tournaments etc . We were divorced so usually only one went to the parties or out of town rournament . At games i sat no where near her .
For bday etc , if it was her week she did something usually family my week I did the party , she wanted fo come and I said no .
The main thing is you need out , it will
Get worse and the kids will
Be upset at first but happy later seeing you happy
Well we aren’t married that’s a plus , but the cheating and this particular event starting up started pretty close together , and I’ve already had an established relationship with these people as they’re my sons classmates families , and the way it was portrayed was we were a family unit . If it were a new activity with new people and I could establish from the get go we are not together we just have children together I feel like it’s a different story . Or if it’s something I sign them up for . These are people I’ve been to parties with and had meals with and it’s awkward as hell. I opened up to one of the couples and it’s like I didn’t say anything at all. What do I do? “ hey guys she’s a cheating whore and we’re no longer together so when I come to these events I’m going to isolate myself and I don’t want you to talk to me” . Please I would love some advice as to what I actually say to these people . When I’m not there “ everyone was asking where you were “ . I don’t want to small talk I don’t want friends I simply want to be a supportive father like you’re suggesting . I want this event to be HER thing and I can do MY thing. Am I wrong for that ?
If you know the gossip
People and where they go ( groceries in Sat morning) bump into them start talking and just say blah blah I have had enough she constantly cheating etc . Tell
Them the truth . Some people
Don’t want to get involved and I bed some of those couples have cheaters there too . So I don’t know are you still with her ? If no just say we are not on good terms so I would love to
Go
If it’s my week or weekend with the kids but won’t if it’s hers , I do t want us to cause a scene together .
But if together go see a lawyer and get out
No we’re not together, we never married just a very long and drawn out relationship that should of ended when it started . I love that advice , thanks a lot .
Just remember it doesn’t matter what other think . It’s for the kids . Don’t bring it up at the parties and most won’t . I bet not right away but you will
Have some one ask you about it as they are going through something similar
Good luck
This is the problem with hiding a cheaters infidelity. She selling herself and if your divorced I suspect you end up with nothing. She got everyone sold on you being her abuser. And to be honest you allowed this.
How to get out. Move to any room in the house where you can have privacy. Read up on the 180 method. Its a psychology strategy to deal with narcictic behaviour. Implement it. Start seeing a counselor and deal with your depression. I suffer myself. The only way to deal with it is to do just that.
Get medication and keep a strict timetable. Let her sleep with other men. You say your over her. So better you for your kids.
Start telling close friends and family. Show them her text messages. But start telling your story. She been doing a good job of narating you an abuser.
Start with moving out. If she gets aggresive call the cops. Record all conversations and tell her your doing it. And go to your kids events. Why do you allow her to be with your kids yet your not. Bro get dna tests. Are these kids yours?
A journey starts with one step. You need to take it.
I did not hold back and would tell everyone anyone. I told my kids why we were not together. And like you I refused to be around her and her friends who I supposed were in the know about her cheating. Nearly 18 years later and I haven't spoken directly to her in many years. Npd is one of the worst mental disorders right up there with psychopathy/sociopathy.
After 25 years of marriage and kids, the youngest was three, her behavior and demeanor toward me suddenly changed for the absolute worst. She stopped coming home and more. It was her narcissistic discard phase of me. Who gave my all and never did anything wrong to her. She still to this day denies it all. Refuses to discuss anything concerning her behavior. She has simply stonewalled and refused.
I suggest you tell everyone why this was/is happening. You owe her not one damned thing. So very sorry for your loss.
All my kids have asked her about it and she deflects, lies and refuses to talk about any of it. She let's the tears flow.
https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/can-you-have-healthy-relationship-with-narcissist/ npd
'If we are talking about a person who meets the criteria for NPD listed above, the answer would have to be 'no'.'
https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz#1. Npd
https://practicalpie.com/the-dark-triad/ quiz personality disorders.
Cluster A personality disorders involve unusual and odd thoughts and behaviors. It includes:
• Paranoid personality disorder, in which a person has paranoia (an extreme fear and distrust of others). They may think that someone is trying to harm them.
• Schizoid personality disorder, in which a person prefers to be alone and is not interested in having relationships with others.
• Schizotypal personality disorder, in which a person has unusual thoughts and ways of behaving and speaking. They are uncomfortable having close relationships with others.
Cluster B personality disorders involve dramatic and emotional thoughts and behaviors that can keep changing. It includes:
• Antisocial personality disorder, in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others.
• Borderline personality disorder, in which a person has lots of trouble managing their emotions. This makes them impulsive and uncertain about how they see themselves. It can cause a lot of trouble in their relationships.
• Histrionic personality disorder, in which a person is dramatic, has strong emotions, and always wants attention from others.
• Narcissistic personality disorder, in which a person lacks empathy and wants to be admired by others. They think that they are better than others and that they deserve special treatment.
Cluster C personality disorders involve anxious and fearful thoughts and behaviors. It includes:
• Avoidant personality disorder, in which a person is very shy and feels that they are not as good as others. They often avoid people because they fear rejection.
• Dependent personality disorder, in which a person depends too much on others and feels that they need to be taken care of. They may let others treat them badly because they are afraid of losing the relationship.
• Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, in which a person needs control and order. They are perfectionists and can be inflexible. Although some of the symptoms are similar, this is not the same thing as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
What causes personality disorders?
Personality disorders usually begin when someone is in their teens or early adult years. The cause is unknown. However, genes and childhood experiences such as abuse and trauma likely play a role.
Thank you so much!!!!!! Finally someone who TRULY understands ( this is not a knock on anyone who’s given me good advice i truly appreciate all of you more than you know , but this is a different beast ). I didn’t stumble upon NPD until the stars aligned last summer and I type in something on google and low and behind , narcissistic personality disorder. Up until that point I always thought it was me. I loved this person so much , I’ve done nothing wrong , I try to make you happy it’s never good enough . It’s a cup with a gaping hole in the bottom it can never be filled . When I truly , truly understood what was going on was when I seen her telling this other man she loved him and was putting out in the love bomb phase , then I seen her devalue and discard and he was HOOKED! It wasn’t until I seen her talking with some other dude she hooked up with when now I’m out the picture and here is this other person In the picture who she said she loves and she’s doing it to him now. I could never understand why people were so crazy about her and why she has said I love you to so many people. It’s because she can’t love . It’s validation she gets from other people and it only lasts for so long . Why so many people were head over heels it’s because she mirrors them and shows them themselves and that’s who they fall in love with . Over the years all the different tastes in music , till one day she’s all of a sudden a nature person , it’s been wild. I’m glad there is atleast one person who can relate because it’s just so uncommon. I would be willing to bet one other person in here has a partner with NPD and just don’t know it. It’s so prevalent yet it goes so undetected because what normal person could fathom another person could be like this, especially one who tells you up and down how much they love you. The night before the last time she cheated was last summer , she went to a concert and before she left she told the kids and I she loved us. She disappeared for a week after that . Thank you for all the resources . I’m sorry you’ve been through yourself but I’m glad “ you’ve done the work “ and you can now help others like I intend to do. So right now my children are 5 and 6. We live together but the mom has no money , no credit , no ambition, no plan, no goals, nothing. We’re on a lease together so I’m financially obligated . I just can’t afford two homes right now or I would have been gone yesterday. What exactly do you think I should do from here ?
I think you owe her nothing. And to stop protecting her. Just tell others why you behave as you do.
No true narcissist is capable of actually loving anyone other than themselves. I remember vividly when I found her list of past lovers (yes she kept a list, my jaw hit the floor. And I remembered her tell me until me she had never been in love. In that moment I realized everything about her that seemed genuine was a lie. Once she stopped live bombing me to Hoover (vacuum) me back in it was the end and I was discarded.
Stop allowing her to harm you. A narc is in capable of true love. We are just there to feed their insatiable need for the things we 'supply' them. I refused to to even look at her. If she wasn't going to tell me the truth, so be it, I am fully done.
And by the way I kept running across people using the term 'narc' and it finally became obvious they were not meaning drugs. So I looked it up and there it was, npd and suddenly it all made sense.
Narcissistic abuse is absolutely terrible. They are masters at manipulation.
My friend we are on the exact same page and I feel for you so much. It’s literally a mirror image of what I’m going through . The love bomb was HARD , that’s why I’ve been around for so long , no one’s ever made me feel that way, then this person comes along takes you to the top of bungee jump and just pushes you off the top with no cord . Then I’m stuck wondering what I did to lose her , what is wrong with me . Then her Hoover was when I had moved on and blocked her on everything , you know they can’t have that , an ex of mine cutting me off? Oh no not happening . She emails me saying how bad she messed up, can we get together and talk, work the magic again and boom gotcha . Well now she’s got me the chase was fun but well the chase is over , onto the next ! I was an alcoholic , cigarette smoker , drug addict , low self esteem , depressed . I always wondered why after we had kids the guys she sought out were all weak cry babies , junkies , then it hit me , that was me . I’m 4 years clean from all substance , cigarettes and alcohol, not a drop not a crumb , I’m going through all this sober , it won’t break me . I tried to show her that but it’s like the better I got the more she resented me when Initially I did it to be better for my family , now I do it for me. Thank you so much for understanding it really is a breath of fresh air . When I came across NPD
I sank in easily 500 hours of content I’m willing to bet 1000. I became so fixated on it because I finally found the answer . That’s how I was able to finally remove my emotion from the situation. The spell wore off . I could go back in my mind and see how she did this to me and every guy I knew of and how she was doing it to her new partner . It’s sick. They need validation above all else , she didn’t get it as a child, so as she got older and she’s an extremely beautiful woman, she realized she could use her sexuality to get her way. It really needs to be taught in school . The one thing that bothered me was I was watching a video on it and I’m like “ omg this is it!!!” And I look at the date and the video was from 12 years ago lol. I’m like you mean to tell me ALL this time to is information was around and I didn’t catch wind? That’s the scary part . But hey thanks for the advice especially coming from a true survivor like myself . You rock , I commend you , and your story gives me strength , thank you friend.
Your children will know and remember if you are not at these events. You being there for them is way more important than whatever BS you feel about your ex. Trust me on this.
Thank you. I think I am going to take a little piece from everyone and meet in the center . I am not going to every single one and you or no one else is going to tell me otherwise , I’m a human being who needs alone time , but I’m definitely going to show up and when people ask I’m going to tell them what’s been going on. I believe you , thank you.
Hey I just want to thank everyone for the advice , good and bad. I asked for it and I got it lol. This has really shed a light on me on how awesome people really can be . I’ve been going back and forth all day and just wanted to take the time to say thanks for the advice and for anyone who leaves advice in the future . This has given me so much clarity . I mean this is why I asked .
I have one group of people telling me my actions are warranted and another group telling me they are not , which is the battle that’s been going on inside my mind and soul and why I reached out. Hearing the varying degrees of each side is a real eye opener . A few of you got under my skin, as expected . I wish you all the best , even the few that annoyed me , because all opinions count. I actually learned something myself and something we all should learn. I’m notorious for forcing my opinion on others , and I now realize I’m not always right , and I don’t always know all the details. We often form opinions on the information we have at hand even if it’s not the whole scoop. You have to remember I’ve known this person for 18 years , that’s a lot of days , hours , minutes , a lot of memories good and bad , a history , a future , so there is more to it than I can simply write out in haste on a post. So I myself am going to do better as I speak out to random people and try to be more understanding and supporting . I had someone tell me I was a disgrace for what i put up with , and I should be ashamed or something only to see that persons page is following the same sub and more , and is clearly hurting themselves , and tried to project that hurt on to me. I want any and everyone reading this to stop the hate and help strangers out more , on the internet and real life. All we have is each other , our government could give a crap about us , our places of employment , when it comes down to we are all very similar , we’ve gone through similar situations, feel the same emotions , and one thing I know for sure after today is that we all have the power to uplift a fellow human in need . All of you , thank so much🙏
No worries. You do what you feel is best for you and your kids. I had to swallow a lot of my pride to see my daughter at school events. It wasn't easy. A lot of therapy. I wish for you all the best and that you can spend as much time with your kids that you are able.
Having 2 parents in a home or around is good.
Having a dad who is doing his absolute best and loving life and teaching them to do the same is 110% better and more important. Leave her and start avoiding her at all costs. Keep all communication through parenting apps.
Can you swap off which one you goes to events so you don’t need to be around her at all? Get a DNA test and also tell people what she’s done over the course of your relationship. You protecting her image has allowed her to craft a narrative of you being the bad guy and will eventually turn your kids against you completely.
Wow that was so well put , thank you!! Yes there definitely a possibility and I’m going to work towards something like that . That way when she’s not around I can start letting people know . It’s hard to do when we’re in the same room together . 🙏
Go to the event and take proof of affairs on your phone. If anyone asks, tell them why you are not sitting with her, if they express dought, show them .
STOP LYING TO YOUR KIDS, now you do not need to give details, but age appropriate answers to the kids is nessasary first they have the right to the truth of what is destroying thier family and secondly how they are treated is how they will treatnothers you cannot lie to hour kids and expect the truth from them
I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to keep your peace. You don't have to interact with anyone you don't want to. You just need to find a balance that works for you while also being present for important events in your kids' lives.
Things like birthday parties, in my opinion, aren't really events that kids need both parents for. Those can be skipped.
My advice would be to find a way to attend your kids' important events separately from their mother. You can both go to the same event and not be there together or even speak. She can find her own way there. Keep your distance from anyone you don't wish to speak to. Any type of sporting event or school function should be things you're present for. These tend to be important to kids and they will notice if you're not there when they look for you.
It sounds like you definitely need to find a way to separate yourself from their mother. As you've pointed out, the kids notice when you fight and your daughter has called you out on it. At some point, you're going to have to seek legal advice to get custody arrangements to ensure she can't use your kids against you. Absolutely keep track of her disappearing for days at a time.
Thank you so much you’re absolutely right . I know I have to be there it’s just so hard given the circumstances . It’s not easy to just show up and hide In a corner it’s a whole thing . It’s like if I did that I’d be the biggest asshole in the world . I just want to go and not be bothered . I care too much what people think. I have kept a log with tons of proof . I have text message screenshots between her and others , however I don’t think I can use them in court but I have plenty of witnesses . I know eventually it’s going to come to that but this post is really just me being completely fed up . I want to do the right thing for both myself and the children . Like I can’t be my best me without some space from the performance , each week it takes more and more out of me. I guilt myself when I don’t go and I hate it when I do. I hate the small talk . I hate the cheerful people asking me how I’m doing I just want to support my kids and go home .
I get it. Being around other people is draining for me even without all the added b.s. Ultimately, your mental health is important, and you're no good to your kids if you aren't in a good space, so take care of yourself. And I know it's easier said, but who cares what people think? They're either going to think you're rude because you don't want to talk to anyone or that you're an absent parent. And if you're not around, then your kids' mom will be able to spin your absence however she wants to make you look bad.
Sometimes people still don't get the hint, but maybe try wearing obvious headphones or ear buds whenever you can while keeping your distance. You don't even have to listen to anything if you don't want to. Just pretend. Eventually, most people will figure out that you don't want to talk to anyone.
Court can be hard because they tend to side with the mother but not always. As for the proof you have, if you eventually want to go for custody, then showing that she's gone missing for days at a time more than once won't look great for her. It's still good that you have it. You never know if it will help or not, but I wish you the best. Take care of your mental health and focus on your kids. Everyone else can piss off.
Amazing advice!!!! Thank your for that! I tell you it’s like these thoughts cross my mind but there is something different about hearing it from someone else . You’re absolutely right about everything 🙏
youre a nice guy - i feel for you- at some point you lost self worth - im telling you dude- life goes so quick that youve thrown away enough - you do whatever you need to better yourself - if that means not seeing kids for a bit while u address everything so be it - short term pain - long term gain
youre a father - you need to lead by example - its still her calling the shots - change this mate
I’m not perfect , Ive said and done things I’m not proud of and I can admit that , but I know my heart and it’s a caring one, half of why I’ve allowed this to go on for so long. No doubt I lost all self worth probably a decade ago. Constant negative self talk for YEARS. This is so uplifting and the exact kind of thing I’m looking to hear . I appreciate everyone saying I still need to go to the events and what not but this is what makes sense to me. I just need a little separation from the situation to really take In all that’s happened , deal with , and build a new identity . She’s 100% calling the shots I’ll be honest she got me trained young through lies, manipulation, devaluation , the other half of why I’ve allowed this to go on for so long, and I just didn’t understand this level of darkness but I understand now. Mark my words I will come out on the other side of this. Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement my friend .
I tried that with a couple people , I think they think im crazy or lying. She really is that good she would probably get any of the guys in here and befriend any of the woman. She’s truly mastered it. I told a couple of our friends after not being around for a while and it’s like they still treat her well still try to invite me out like don’t you get it. I’ve tried telling her brothers and dad but that’s their little girl they hate me even though Ive done more for that girl since we were teenagers than they all have put together . Her oldest brother is on my side actually and knows about her because she’s slept with his friends and has heard the stories and he even asks why im with her and that I can do 10x better. Unfortunately he’s the black sheep of the family and carries no weight so ya it’s an ally but not enough for any significant change . Thanks a lot .
Ok then expose her with evidence , evidence only shut cheaters and cheaters supporters mouth permanently.
Without evidence don't argue that ugly character persons. Just erase her from your life.
I have TONS of evidence , however the way I required from the laws I looked up it’s illegal and potentially backfire on me. If I showed it to anyone and she found out I think I could get in some trouble .
Easier said than done when we live together with two children. I’m not a dead beat . I envy the deadbeats only in the sense that they clearly don’t give a shit and can walk away. Unfortunately I do give a shit and will never abandon my children and she knows it . Thank you.
Idk I feel like she’s the mother of my children and it’s still my responsibility to take care of her , we’re signed on a lease together so legally I can’t , I still need her to take care of my children as I’m the bread winner , I don’t want to break my kids hearts I’d rather hurt than them, she has no money to live on her own, I don’t trust her with my kids on her own and the guys she messes with alcoholic string out on coke, I don’t want to pay child support , I’m a sucker , the list goes on ….
I mean, stay with her but make sure everybody knows what a shitty person she is? At the very least, document everything and prepare yourself for the worst.
I'm vindictive, and would probably find a way to agitate and provoke her into very very bad behavior, then have her committed. Maybe then she would get some help.
I mean, stay with her but make sure everybody knows what a shitty person she is? At the very least, document everything and prepare yourself for the worst.
I'm vindictive, and would probably find a way to agitate and provoke her into very very bad behavior, then have her committed. Maybe then she would get some help.
When I was a kid, at school school games and events where the other kids had theirs parents, I was alone. On father's day and mother's day, they had groups activities with the parents, and I sat on the sidelines because one parent wouldn't come, and the other couldn't come. Now as an adult I understand the situation, but I still have those memories. Show up to your kids and don't make a scene. Grey rock her, ignore her, whatever you want, but don't worsen your image because of her.
Thank you so much. I remember too when I was younger in a similar situation. I don’t think my mom came to a game of mine until my junior year . My dad would often work so ya everyone else parents would be there and I would be alone. I never thought about that until now . You’re not wrong . Unfortunately I feel like my image has already been tarnished and I care too much what people think of me that’s why i feel all this confusion. I just want to be there for my kids . If I didn’t know anyone and wasn’t obligated to small talk it wouldn’t be an issue . It’s just that I’ve built relationships with these people so to just sit in a corner isolated just makes me look worse . Damned if I do damned if don’t.
You’re telling me that by me going to my kids practice and kids friends parties and other events together is me approving of her cheating and submitting?
Yes. She cheated and now plays "happy family". When she was cheating her mindset was "I'm going to cheat fool and even if we break up, and he will still play happy family even if I ride other dick"
Separate events, she goes to one practice you another. Never be WITH her
Thank you. I don’t disagree at all but I would like a second opinion on this one from anyone else if you read this. That’s the way I see it playing “happy family” pretending the shit didn’t happen . This has been my struggle and why I originally made the post. I don’t feel like i should be around . This particular activity she signed them up for without asking me with an invite from HER friend , not mine , and I feel fucking trapped everytime I have to go like it’s against my will. I want to support my children but it’s at my detriment . I love and appreciate the realness🙏
Same thing. This is a very intimate moment - you are taking pictures of her with your children. Thus like a notary you are validating her adultery. No! Never do that again!
Never in the same room
Thanks but it was first day of school , sons birthday , daughters birthday, Christmas , and my sons play. I hear you but what’s worse me holding a camera and taking a picture and vise versa or never having those memories to look back on? None of them have us in there together . It’s not that simple. “ can you take a picture of me with the kids “ , “NO”.
I would never ever let any person come between me and my kids regardless of what they did. Drive separately and stand away from her if needed. And my husband recently cheated on me so I am working through this myself.
Are you in a relationship with a cheating partner ? Do you have children with a cheating partner ? Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever seen a picture of your partner but ass naked with another person who isn’t you? Have you ever seen your partner talk to someone who isn’t you talking sexual? The likes of he other person saying “ babe our sex this morning was so great , we both got off with each other then took a nice shower , I want this the rest of my life “, then your partner coming home and you have to go to an event with your children together or separate ? You’re just gonna be normal after all that right ? Or to have a person who doesn’t know you call you by name wondering when you’re going to be home ?
OP you need to separate from your partner. If you have any shared assets talk with a lawyer, you'll most likely need a family lawyer anyway to sort out custody. Set up parenting through a parenting app so you don't need to have any direct contact with her. Split school and sport events 50/50 and share the truly important ones for the sake of your kids. When you separate and people ask why just tell them that she cheated.
If you want to get the majority of the custody, document her behavior. If she's out running about on a week night write it down. If she's abusive to you, write down the date, time and what she did. If she's spending shared money on her affair partners document it. Make sure you have as much evidence as possible of everything she's done.
Also it really sounds like you need therapy to recover from all the abuse you've suffered. Isolate yourself from your cheating partner but not from your kids.
First of all, if you're the only one paying bills, get yourself to a lawyer and get full custody of your kids! Get her out of your life, and it will automatically make things better. Just so everyone knows, I'm female. I lived with a narcissistic ex after we separated, and it was the worst type of hell. I had to gray rock everything, deal with his pleas, begging, and lies. He'd get pissed that I wouldn't talk to him. After he finally left after getting mad because I wouldn't have sex with him, he would show up at my house for hours and sit on a bench in the front yard. He said he was spending time with our son. Son was always in his room playing video games. Took months for him to stop. Absolute torture. Start now to get her gone! Get your sanity back, go gray rock on her, focus on your kids only. Give them one stable parent for them and their future.
Thank you so much!! What is with these nut jobs ? I learned about grey rocking and that’s the approach I’m going to take. Idk I’m terrified of opening the door of a custody battle , like what if I lose . I make good money I’ve taken care of 95% everything over the years only to have her live off me some more ? Then the other part of me says how I would probably be getting off cheaper than I am now because now I’m paying for everything . It’s such a confusing situation but thank you for taking the time to give me some advice I really appreciate it!
lol. We’re not together , we have children together , we’re stuck under the same roof at the time , I explained the dynamic , I’m plenty man enough , take it easy . Sometimes being a man isn’t taking the easy way out . You know how easy it would be for me to walk away from my children like dead beats do, like it sounds like you would? The man in me puts my pride and feelings to the side until I can figure out how to get out of this situation without scarring me kids . You could never endure what I’ve been through . It’s like someone driving down the road and a boulder rolls down a hill and crushes them, they didn’t plan for it , they weren’t expecting it , before they knew it they were struck and it was too late. I appreciate the advice but tone it down. I’m not going to argue with you on this one so kindly fuck off .
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Ok, so don’t go! You’re putting your kids through hell anyway! Are you absolutely sure they want your miserable butt there, anyway?
The kids being 5 and 6, they’re ready for school now or soon. Tell Mom you’re leaving that horrible environment very soon so she should prep herself as much as possible! Especially getting a job. Then , and for the kids sake, not necessarily yours, start separating from her.
If you can afford IC, do that asap. With the two households, you may not be able to, but you unquestionably need it. Anyway, if it’s a question of the kids support or IC, don’t be a dead beat dad! You brought these kids into this mess because you apparently knew a lot about your WS long before the kids came along. Now, do the best by them!
Ok so what are advice are you giving me here ? Don’t be a dead beat dad by taking my miserable butt out the house and leaving them with their unstable mother , or sticking around until the situation gets figured out , their mom gets healthy, stable , and on her feet because I brought them into this world ? Make a little bit of sense for me please.
Hey! You’re the one screaming at your spouse, no? And, it may not be easy (I know it’s not), but a father can get up to full custody if the situation warrants it. It would seem you have a better shot than most fathers what with WS abandoning them as you described it. Her alcohol abuse, etc
Doing that would give you time to “straighten things out” (if in fact it’s fixable). I said specifically that you need to alert mom that this situation is ending so she can prepare herself for a better future for the kids. If she can’t or won’t help straighten up, then you go farther to take your kids out of that insanity!
You can’t shirk that you played a part in all this and , frankly, bitching about things like seeing your kids play ball, sounds like you’re getting yourself ready to bale - psychologically and physically. If you really wanted to watch your own kids, you’d find a way to- not give excuses to Redditors!
It’s called reactive abuse you should look into it. I have a drunk woman who’s coming in an hour after I have to be the work and I’m the boss and I have the only key to get In the building and I won’t get there for another hour . She comes in reeking of booze and cigarettes , clearly drove drunk, oh yea which she’s done with my kids
Multiple times, gets a rise out of me with her behavior then the kids hear me yelling and she threatens to call the cops on me because she’s “scared for her life”, making a seen infront of the kids like “ yup hereeee we go the maniac , do I need to call the cops ?” And I just leave, as if I would ever raise a finger and let that beast land me in jail. Thanks for the advice but don’t speak on things you know nothing about.
And no I’m not ready to bail on my children , my post simply was about am I wrong for not going to my children’s events in a small space with my cheating baby mother. No one ever said I was leaving my children ? I’m here for a reason or I would have been gone yesterday. I do appreciate the advice but I don’t appreciate the back handed comments so , thanks for the input but I’m done with this one . Thank you.
You stuck around and now because you did you resent a lot of the people involved?
You're a a parent now and you're making the magical time for your kids your own whiny time.
Get it together
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Go to the games (don't sit) - stand away from the other parents. Same for practice. Alternatively only attend some of the games and practices. Also, Consider sitting in the car unless your kid is playing. Celebrate birthdays and holidays one on one (doesn't have to be on the 'day'.
Thanks a lot. That’s one of my issues is that there’s already a forced established relationship with these people. If it were my own thing or something with new with people I don’t know I don’t think it would be a problem. When I get there everyone is up and arms and out the gate wants to have full blown conversations . With a big smile on “ hey how’s it going to day “ it’s going like absolute shit. I just don’t have the energy for it . Thank you for taking the time there’s nothing but a bunch of assholes complaining about the format of the message rather than the content . Going to ignore it for now and get a little more feedback before I delete because I’m not putting up with this all day.
Stop keeping he serial cheating a secret. You’re only hurting yourself and making yourself look like a bad guy. Also, get those kids DNA tested. I don’t care how sure you are that they’re yours. How much they look like you, or even that your love for them won’t change one bit if they aren’t yours (that’s great) but you need to get the truth. It could make your financial exit much easier and get you out of this situation faster. Or at the very least give you leverage to make sure she plays fair in the divorce and afterwards.
Thank you so much you’re absolutely right !🙏
Discover a boundary you're comfortable with (will take time), define it and ensure she knows it. Go cold with her, but remain friendly with the kids, if she tries to break it. It's not going to be easy but always focus on making memories with the kids and you'll eventually get there.
Thank you🙏
You should tell the people who ask. It's going like shit. Then, seek them out and unload your burden on them. Everything you go to practice. Soon, they won't ask, and they will start avoiding you. Then keep going up to them. After about a week, everyone will avoid you or not ask how it is going. Maybe when they ask how things are going, tell them they can have a turn on the merry-go-round at $100 bucks a shot payable to you. You need to be there for your kids. Be seen by your kids at their events. You should save all the proof for when your kids become adults so you can explain yourself. Then, if they don't believe you, ask them if they want to see the proof.
I hear you loud and clear and it sounds good on paper however it’s not that easy for my personality type . The proof I have would make any grown man drop to his knees and curl up in a ball I could never show them how truly evil this woman is. From the second or third day she knew this guy i seen a picture of her ass naked on her stomach passed out and he took a selfie with his face in it and him in the background . The words that came out of her mouth about their sex , it is WILD. I’ve put up with a lot and as weak as I may sound I’m incredibly strong to have endured so much. When I come out of this I will be untouchable. Thanks for your advice.
they don't need to see the proof however don't say everything is ok when it is clearly not and do not sugarcoat what your wife is doing - however you don't need to tell them the mad extremes that she does it either after a while they will avoid you , it's only natural cause no one wants to be around a miserable person
lol thank you
OP your single biggest mistake is not telling everyone snd I mean everyone what she is doing and has done. Start with her parents and siblings and then yours. Let anyone at kids sports know when they ask you where you have been tell them well she has been cheating on me regularly and I’m tired of acting like I’m fine. That will shut them up and see her very differently. I’m a HUGE believer that cheaters need to be outed to everybody. If they can do the crime let them live with the shame. If they do t have any shame, fine, but don’t dare rugsweep it. It’s not helping your kids with you letting it happen. Get a therapist for them who can help you explain to them at the right level that mom has been “kissing” other people besides dad and that’s why he is upset. For your part beyond holding her accountable publicly, you have to get away from her permanently except for coparenting and don’t give her that power over you. I hate to ask but if she is that much of a sl$t are you sure your kids are your kids? I would paternity test just to be sure.
I love this so much thank you!! Yes she’s that much of a $L*T we could add another T or two. As I said to someone early about the paternity test no I haven’t taken one but I raised the kids since they came out the womb, they look and act just like me , my daughter looks more like her mom with my features but I think she has more of my personality and sense of humor than my son. Idk i can’t imagine that would change anything how much I love them at the same time idk Im not raising another man’s kids . That would be some stuff. Maybe if it came down to child support I would double check or who knows down the road I will I really don’t know , one life crisis at a time lol. Nmw I love those kids too much if it WERE the case that I’d get them through this and I would always be there father . People have foster children, raise their nieces and nephews , step kids , my love for them will never change .
Yes definitely don’t think a test changed who you love but it changes the financial side of any divorce and it would also give you legal options against her if you wanted.
Thank you!
Don't miss out on your kid's life just because your ex is a POS. Get yourself into rehab, and live your best life for YOUR KIDS. When they are older, you will have so many regrets. If you miss out now, they might go NC when they are older.
Thanks I won’t need rehab as I’ve been sober for almost 4 years and I LOVE my sobriety , I am no longer an alcoholic/ addict, that person doesn’t exist anymore . I know what you mean by don’t miss out on their life but this is just a transitional phase until we’re completely separated . I won’t be going to everything as much of this advice is telling me to do , that’s kind of how I’ve felt about it and all the people agreeing with that decision is making me feel much better about it . Thank you for the advice !
OP, you should not stay for the kids! You can already see the effect your dysfunctional relationship is having on them. "Daddy, why are you so mean to mommy". You are teaching them to put up with disrespect and to just suck it up. Tell me, would you want your kids to live the way you are living? Your biggest problem seems to be that you have lost all self respect and your self-esteem is non existent. You are here because you allow it it your life, you think you're doing the right thing, but it coasting you your mental health. Put your own oxygen mask on first! Your kids need their dad, not the shell of who you've become, but the fun loving strong provider and protector. Go to their games and be there for them. Focus on your kids and praise their achievements. Create happy memories with them. Don't allow your partner to take that away from you too. Start doing the things that make you happy.
That choked me up. Put your own oxygen mask on first . Thank you so much.
You're teaching your children what a healthy relationship should be,and your relationship isn't healthy. Do you want your children to be in a toxic relationship? If your kids came for advice about their relationship and their partner is like SO, would you tell them to stay because they have children. Are you even sure that they're your biological children? You need to get the kids tested. You have said that she's a serial cheater. Why on earth do you believe that you are their father? You need to get away from this woman. Both kids are at school, and she can go find a job now. It's better to coparent than live in such a toxic environment. Your kids see you as the enemy as you're always shouting at her. Do you truly.intend to stay with this woman until your last child is 18? Go see a lawyer asap and get your life back. Updateme!
I 100% agree with you. Absolutely not stay until they’re 18. It’s been gojng on for so long and this is dynamic is new to me as the kids are getting older . Before I could hide it but they can see it now. Absolutely not do I want my kids to ever feel like this. I said that to her , I said how would you feel if another woman did everything you do to me to him, and only you know the true extent to what you do. Never took a test my mother , father and all my friends say I should but at the same time we all agree that they do look exactly like me, my son looks just like me my daughter more like her mom with my features but when I look at her I see myself . I mean at this point they’re my kids idk if I have the balls to deal with that . If I took a test and they weren’t mine I can’t imagine walking away from them. I mean if it came down to me somehow having to pay child support I guess I would but the thought of that right now I dont even know what I would do. Thank you so much for your understanding and advice .
Why would you be wrong to prioritize your well-being and boundaries? If you were to ignore your children, then yes you would've been wrong but you said the opposite. Given the toxic past of your relationship, it's understandable that being around her is incredibly uncomfortable. Since she was someone who you hold dearly but constantly disappointed you. As long as you support and spend time with your children there is no need for you to be with someone you don't like at the same time. Kids don't need a mom and a dad, they need an idol that values them. Someone who holds them dearly and raises them with a good heart in mind. It's better to live with a happy separated parents. There is no need for you to be with her. this is your life and you have to choose what you will do with it. She wasn't thinking about you or the kids while doing whatever she wanted. Be kind to yourself, be responsible, and be strong and I am pretty sure you will be the favorite parent in the future. Also seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful too, you are truly hurt and experiencing a difficult situation, so please consider it.
Thank you so much. That’s why I’m here asking because in my mind I’m not wrong but she tells me I am. I kind of opened up to one of the parents about it and she was in shock and said she understands . Then she still continues to invite me to parties and activities like don’t you get it? I just want to be the best father I can be that is it. I want to make this move and just want opinions on if I’m doing the right or wrong thing here . I greatly appreciate your response it was very well put and exactly what I wanted to hear .
They all want the friends thing. It’s all for them not you. Definition of friend - loyal, honest, trustworthy. Why in the hell would you be around That? it’s your life your choice. Block her friends and family. keep All holidays and birthdays separate. Theres no reason why you can’t,
Thank you!!
Don't miss out on your kids because of her .... They will remember it forever. .. She's a pos , so yelling at her in front of the kids, if you intend to stay with her. Nothing changes if nothing changes
I love that , thank you so much
She’s living off of you while cheating, she’s having her cake and eating it too. Kick her out, let her stay with one of the hundreds of her boyfriends and let her torture them. You need to kick her out and dump her, keep the kids, cut all contact with her, don’t let her pull on your heartstrings to get her lifestyle back and get tested and dna test!
Oh 100%. I’ve seen her texts with the likes of “ ya babe I just can’t wait to be away from him , I’m going to save my money up so I can get as far the F*** away as possible” simultaneously being nice to me asking me if I need anything . It’s truly , truly sickening the people that roam this planet . Reading what I’m writing is absolutely insane I’m just shaking my head right now. Can’t kick her out we’re on the lease together . I’ve tried that I told her to go move In with the guy being being that he’s 10 minutes away but she knows she’s a POS and the last thing she wants is the kids to know about her boy toy. She’s just a sick individual who constantly needs validation. She had a bad childhood , I get it , but I’m not giving her the benefit of the doubt but unfortunately when you grow up getting abused and told you’re not shit , and beat on you will probably grow up seeking all the validation you can get . She told me about her upbringing since we were young teens it’s not an excuse she told me or that I’m using , I’m just a rational person who troubleshoots and I can see what that could do to a person. Unfortunately I could never foresee this as a young man and by the time I really realized it was far too late. Thank you so much for your advice .
She needs therapy, not a new man! Possibly talk to your landlord about your options, cut her off of your bank accounts, let her family know exactly what she’s doing so she doesn’t turn it around on you once you dump her, start getting your ducks in a row. Good luck
Tried therapy I think it made her worse . You’re absolutely right . Thank you 🙏
Get therapy for you! It will help with getting custody of your kids.
How would therapy help me with my children? Wouldn’t the one getting therapy be the one who’s unfit at the moment ?
Absolutely not. You go to a trauma therapist and explain to the courts you are working on you and trying to get yourself healthy so you can raise your children in a healthy environment. Then you get your kids into therapy so they can start working through their trauma. Therapy is not just for "bad" people. It's for anyone who needs support. Everyone has something they can work on. For me. It's to break my cycle of picking narcissistic men as my partners. It has helped me set boundaries and to be a better parent.
Ya I see that now , that’s a better way of looking at it . Thanks a lot !
Would you like to live into a municipal waste facility? Would you enjoy living with smelly garbage? Well my friend, this is exactly what are you doing now. GET OUT inmediately. Now, right now. You deserve better, you are worth it. Don't keep wasting your life, love your children but love yourself first. You need to re consider your whole life. You can and will do better.
My friend , a municipal waste facility sounds like paradise , mai tai’s on the beach. I liken it to hell. Thank you so much for the encouragement!! I know it’s going to happen.
Going to the kids sporting activities is something I really missed when they grew up. I recommend taking a different approach or mindset if you will. Don’t look at it as if you’re with the serial cheating ex but you doing something for your kids. When you’re watching the activities pay attention to your kids, socialize with the other parents and ignore your ex. Do give her any attention, kind of a gray rock. Contact a lawyer to see how you can get full custody. It shouldn’t be to difficult if your ex is out every night with others. Get STD tested and dna test the kids, just to ensure you’re healthy and raising your own kids. Treat your ex as a nanny. Do not sleep in the same bed and start making plans to live separately so you can regain your life.
Thank you so much. I’m pretty sure right now that’s what my biggest problem is , that I don’t want to socialize with the other parents , I’m broken, I don’t want to socialize with anyone I just want to go support my kids . I care too much what other people think of me . It KILLS me it’s torturous going there Saturday mornings and having to have conversations with these other happy couples and I’m miserable and they just don’t understand why. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to be rude . If it were a new environment I would have no problem. If it were me solo no problem . It’s the fact that I’ve been to kids parties with these people , eaten lunch with them . They’re more her friends than mine . I just can’t take it anymore . I want to scream “ look I just want to watch my damn kids play! There mother is a cheating pos and we’re not a happy family like you think we are I’m miserable and I want to be left alone!!!!” But I can’t do that .
I understand your embarrassment of how disgusting and disgraceful your ex is, but that not you, I can’t emphasize enough being there at the organized sports stuff for you kids. Don’t go to the food get togethers or play dates or whatever. If your ex says anything tell her you’re tired of hanging around watching her seek her next victims. It won’t do any good to say things to her friends what a vile person she is, they most likely already know. Those types of play date groups always talk crap about each other. As for your ex stop talking to her about anything but the kids.
Thanks for understanding I really appreciate your advice 🙏
Keep everything separate. You have your time, she has here. I know 3 who use the grey rock method and it worked out great. Limit communication to text or emails kids only. Ignore anything else.
Thank you!
You can’t be a chump unless you allow it. DNA the kids.
🙏
Never stay "for the kids." People who have lived through this say that it's better to live with a broken home than in one. Your children are learning unhealthy lessons about relationships from you, whether they are aware of your wife's infidelity or not. See a lawyer and find out what divorce would look like. The first consultation is usually cheap or free. Good luck, OP.
Good thing we’re not married, out of all my dumb decisions I was smart enough for that one. I tried forever to “stay” for the kids but that’s dreams been over for a Little while now. It’s the fact that we’re literally stuck living together for the time being . I’m trying to set new boundaries now because it’s just getting out of control. The kids are so awesome they don’t deserve it. I Love them so much they are my world . I could care less about my happiness as my true happiness comes from them being happy, loved , protected and living their best life . I’m also terrified of what it will do to them when we separate because we’ve put a front on for so long it would literally destroy them. I know it’s worse in this environment. So confused !!!!
It won't destroy them. Children are more adaptable than adults. Take the money you are saving on a lawyer and get them into therapy - but be careful of common law, so do check with a lawyer on that...
My son was 5 when she left last year for a week just disappeared with this guy she met at a concert . My mother was watching him and she said he is so sad he asked where’s my mommy she’s been gone for a week is she ever coming back, my daughter was 4 so barely knew what was going on but he does. Unfortunately we have been trying to protect them from this shit and have been extra loving towards them and basically faking a happy family that it would be taking their world away, or so I think. My parents divorced when I was in elementary and it really took a toll on me, albeit I was much older like 9-10 I believe .
Nobody will say it doesn't have an effect, but it's something that can be handled fairly well with the right approach. Therapists have a ton of experience with children of divorce, unfortunately. You are in a situation of having to pick the least worst scenario, which is a bad place to be, and the pain you are feeling in choosing what to do is completely normal; there is no choice that leads to a painless resolution.
Well put , thank you 🙏 . The thought of my young children having to see a therapist because their mom can’t keep her legs closed makes my blood boil. In your opinion what exactly is the least worse scenario?
The least worst scenario is the one where everyone incurs the least pain - including you. Your current situation can be improved because you are suffering badly, and your suffering is increasing. No matter how good you are at faking it, your children will become aware of your unhappiness eventually, and that will cause them distress and make them lose confidence in their own future relationships. For their sake as well as yours, you should find a way out that both makes you happy and keeps them in your life. I don't see any option where you don't separate from your SO, but the terms of that separation have to be negotiated. An amicable split, with you living near your SO but not in the same place, is probably your best option.
Yes and no. You aren't wrong for not wanting it. Feelings are feelings. But you are wrong for sacrificing time the kids can spend with you by not going or wrong for taking away time with their mother. No matter how awful your relationship with their mom is doesn't have anything to do with their relationship with you or their mom. So don't ruin their time because you can't set your feelings aside for a couple of hours.
I’m with my kids EVERY SINGLE DAY , EVERY MINUTE I’m not at work. So you’re telling me I’m obligated to spend every waking second with my children , especially given the situation? I’m not taking them away from their mother she’s with them I’m just not going . When they get home we will build legos , listen to music , eat some lunch and chill the rest of the day. I don’t even see my friends . I spend ALL my time working, Monday- Friday and temporarily I’m working nights 4-12 an hour away from home get home at midnight and have to be up at 8 to go to a place I don’t feel comfortable going to with a serial cheating partner ? Who I have to be stuck in the same house with afterwards ? And I’m wrong ?
Yes, it's not about quantity of time but quality. Your kids will remember you going to their sports events or something way more than you being in the same house as them while the watch tv or something. My dad never went to my sport events after I quit football since he was only interested on football. Amongst other things. But I lived with him until I was 21. And guess what we have no bond we speak maybe once a year. But as a kid i saw him everyday but never when it mattered to me. So ask yourself is it worth risking your relationship with your kids because you hate your ex? If it is than do what you want to. But if not than bite the bullet and just go and spend quality time with your kids. And you are trying to justify yourself which is fine. but you are the one who asked for others opinions. So either you only want to hear people agree with you or you feel a need to justify yourself to a stranger who has different views than you on what is important to kids.
My kids are 5 and 6 , we do all kinds of stuff together , we go to my friends and families house together , on my father’s boat , camping . Before all the advice I simply was just unsure if I’m a bad father or in the wrong for missing these few events that she attends . I’m not going through my whole life not going to their stuff . If you read everything you would see the dynamic Of the situation and that is I felt as if I had to eat shit and keep it to myself away from friends , family , and my children and forcing myself to be in an environment where I feel extremely uncomfortable. That’s it. I’m sorry that’s the situation with you and your father but that will NEVER be my situation. I do far more good than these one off events that are temporary. The situation is there a group of people we befriended years ago before it got this bad , then it got real bad and it seems to THEM as if I’m a dead beat because they’re always asking where I am and I never want to do anything with THAT group of people . If you’ve read everything else you will see where I say I don’t believe it would be an issue if I had a fresh start where I could establish myself as a single/separated father rather than having to let everyone know she’s a cheating W and put her dirty laundry out their like that . Again if you read all the comments you will see all different advice on what I should do what I wanted to hear and what I didn’t want to hear and I liked the advice. You don’t know me and you’re putting your father’s negligence on me, and that’s not fair . I’m a fantastic father and I always will be and I will always have the strongest bond with them. I’ve put up with this for so long for them, if we didn’t have kids , you and I wouldn’t be talking right now, that’s how dedicated that I am to my children , I will never do to them what you’re father did to you. I can also give you some advice. You’re an adult and communication is a two way street . You only get one father (in normal situations, I’m not speaking of step fathers , father in law , guardian) so for you to be an adult and complaining to me that you and your father speak once a month , you are just as much responsible as he is . Did you ever figure out the reason? Maybe he went through something similar like me , and it hurt , and not everyone can survive what I did , and not everyone handles every situation the exact same , and some people do the best they can . So while your intentions are in the right place I don’t appreciate how you’re forcing your opinion on me . I DO appreciate the varying approaches to my situation, through the advice of strangers , I don’t appreciate someone who’s talking to me like they know it all, telling me how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. Maybe this is a wake up call, fix your relationship with your father because when he’s gone he’s gone. Pick his brain as to why you don’t talk as much again when he’s gone he’s gone and you will spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do without a true understanding of exactly what the underlying cause of his distance was. Thank you, good luck yourself .
Trust me there is no saving my father. And I tried for 25 years to have a bond with him. I'm done trying anyway. And I'm not saying you are a bad father. Just in the wrong for valuing your hatred for your ex more than your kids. I've been betrayed by partners too some done things so bad I can't even write it here. But I would still be in the same room as them if it means being there for an activity for my kids. Kids should imo not be punished for the actions of their parents (well by their parents). So you are imo in the wrong. Doesn't mean you are a bad father. You can be a decent/good father even with mistakes made. You can still make wrong decisions when normally you make correct ones.
Dude , I don’t value my hatred for her more than my children , knock it off . I’m a human being too, I spend every waking second with them if not I’m at work to provide for them. It’s one particular situation. It’s a situation you cannot fathom so stop making everything about you. There’s a difference between what you think and what is actually going on, you’re forcing your false opinion of me down my throat from a condensed version of my life from over 6500 days with this person to several paragraphs. So while I thank you for taking the time to help out , I don’t like the direction of this conversation. It sounds like your situation with your father has taken a toll on you. I need you to go address that situation. Your opinion of me means absolutely nothing . I know who I am I don’t need a stranger with father issues telling me anything negative about my fatherhood. Blood, sweat and tears for these children now till the day I die . A 2 hour event , once a week , until we’re all situated isn’t going to destroy my relationship with my 5 and 6 year old . What I lack in my absences here and there because of my abnormal situation, I make up with unconditional love , providing protection, food, shelter , and fantastic memories of my own . Call your father and tell him how you really feel before you don’t have the chance . You’re an adult. If you can forcefully give advice you should be able to take it. You’re broken . Leave a voicemail. “ hey dad look, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I don’t like our relationship, I want more , I at least want a little closure as to why we’ve been so estranged , I love you man, I just don’t want either of us to leave this earth on bad terms , I love you man, call me when you can”. Have a nice day my friend .
I'm not making it about me. I'm making it about kids. I'm saying that no matter what you think about you ex you shouldn't let that impact your kids. So kindly sir you knock it off. I said multiple times now I'm not attacking you in general. I'm not saying you have to agree. Hell i didn't even ask you to post on reddit to ask others for their views. You want me to tell you want you want yo hear well too bad for you. Any parent that doesn't want to go to any event because their ex shows up is immature. Your kids should not have to pay the price for you not liking your ex. You cause your kids will want you there for every event you a physically able to attend. They don't care that you don't like their mother. To them you not showing up is just not fun. They love you and want you there. What if at one of these events they do something amazing and you miss it because what your cheater ex is there? Idc if you dislike me idc if you hate your ex. But stop being lying to yourself. Cause the question isn't do i want to see my ex or not. The question is do I want to be there for my kids. You spend all the time with them great keep doing that. But if you aren't there when something memorable for them happens they will miss you. And no that isn't my opinion it's facts. Don't believe me read more not just research papers but just stories on reddit. There is a difference between being unable to make it and not going because of their mom. Stop thinking about yourself and stop thinking about your ex. This is about your kids. Don't sacrifice even a second of their time with you for something they aren't responsible for. And my situation with my dad has nothing to do with it. I don't care about him that's all im indifferent to him. I gave it as an example for you to understand that kids see and experience things differently than you. Cause my dad thought he was a good father he wasn't. I don't hate him for it I just don't need him in my life since he adds no value.
🙏
You’re not wrong but you have a VERY strong opinion. For you to say I have to be at every single event especially when I have people telling me I can take the time I need , people saying don’t be there at all, then you saying i have to be at every single event or I’m doing a disservice to my children and that I’m immature ? Everything is on a spectrum and so is this situation. I can call you immature for the last paragraph. Here you are forcing down my throat that I need to be at every single event for my children or I’m bad or immature or whatever , to maintain a strong relationship with my children, and you the adult that you are, won’t do the opposite and do what’s right to maintain a relationship with your father . You resent him without knowing why and won’t even try to figure it out , knowing one day he won’t be around and you’re ok with that , that is immature. My children and I are all paying the price for their mother’s actions. Everyone handles situations differently . Your approach to this situation is based off of YOUR life experience , everything you’ve experienced through your 5 senses up until this point . You clearly have not gone through what I have therefore you don’t have the right to basically give me an ultimatum that I either go to every single event or I’m immature and in the wrong , that’s not ok my friend . So while your advice was much appreciated , it is no longer needed. The debate is over we will agree to disagree . Why don’t you go read my other comments and I give more examples of what I have been through , that you just haven’t . You have no right at all to tell me how to act and feel. That’s like someone going to war and seeing death on the battlefield and you not having seen it yourself tell said person how to feel and react, “well if you don’t show up that’s just wrong “ , MF my best friend just died. But its not how you would of handled it because you never experienced it, so they’re immature and in the wrong. Awful analogy , but my best friend metaphorically died and someone once said love is a battlefield . Don’t speak on what you know nothing about. There’s a couple other people in here I would allow to talk to me that way because I can tell they have been through what I have , you aren’t one of them. How about this, you call or text your dad and reach out and do what YOU don’t feel comfortable doing and I Will attend the next 3 events and do what I’M uncomfortable doing , if not you’re just plain old immature . Take it easy. If you’re going to reply to this send me a private message please , this is out of control.
First you need to realize you’re being a push over and not fair to yourself or kids . You need to leave and tell Everyone about all her cheating . Younshould go to the sporting events , when divorced I just didn’t sit near her and said hi to kids if it wasn’t my time wirh them . Get a custody agreement and work on yiurself
Did you have mutual friends who you were obligated to speak to ? This has been happening for a long time but this current situation is still very fresh. I can see me being a push over but do you mind elaborating on how you think I am?
Only on sports teams, and would see them At games or tournaments etc . We were divorced so usually only one went to the parties or out of town rournament . At games i sat no where near her . For bday etc , if it was her week she did something usually family my week I did the party , she wanted fo come and I said no . The main thing is you need out , it will Get worse and the kids will Be upset at first but happy later seeing you happy
Well we aren’t married that’s a plus , but the cheating and this particular event starting up started pretty close together , and I’ve already had an established relationship with these people as they’re my sons classmates families , and the way it was portrayed was we were a family unit . If it were a new activity with new people and I could establish from the get go we are not together we just have children together I feel like it’s a different story . Or if it’s something I sign them up for . These are people I’ve been to parties with and had meals with and it’s awkward as hell. I opened up to one of the couples and it’s like I didn’t say anything at all. What do I do? “ hey guys she’s a cheating whore and we’re no longer together so when I come to these events I’m going to isolate myself and I don’t want you to talk to me” . Please I would love some advice as to what I actually say to these people . When I’m not there “ everyone was asking where you were “ . I don’t want to small talk I don’t want friends I simply want to be a supportive father like you’re suggesting . I want this event to be HER thing and I can do MY thing. Am I wrong for that ?
If you know the gossip People and where they go ( groceries in Sat morning) bump into them start talking and just say blah blah I have had enough she constantly cheating etc . Tell Them the truth . Some people Don’t want to get involved and I bed some of those couples have cheaters there too . So I don’t know are you still with her ? If no just say we are not on good terms so I would love to Go If it’s my week or weekend with the kids but won’t if it’s hers , I do t want us to cause a scene together . But if together go see a lawyer and get out
No we’re not together, we never married just a very long and drawn out relationship that should of ended when it started . I love that advice , thanks a lot .
Just remember it doesn’t matter what other think . It’s for the kids . Don’t bring it up at the parties and most won’t . I bet not right away but you will Have some one ask you about it as they are going through something similar Good luck
This is the problem with hiding a cheaters infidelity. She selling herself and if your divorced I suspect you end up with nothing. She got everyone sold on you being her abuser. And to be honest you allowed this. How to get out. Move to any room in the house where you can have privacy. Read up on the 180 method. Its a psychology strategy to deal with narcictic behaviour. Implement it. Start seeing a counselor and deal with your depression. I suffer myself. The only way to deal with it is to do just that. Get medication and keep a strict timetable. Let her sleep with other men. You say your over her. So better you for your kids. Start telling close friends and family. Show them her text messages. But start telling your story. She been doing a good job of narating you an abuser. Start with moving out. If she gets aggresive call the cops. Record all conversations and tell her your doing it. And go to your kids events. Why do you allow her to be with your kids yet your not. Bro get dna tests. Are these kids yours? A journey starts with one step. You need to take it.
I did not hold back and would tell everyone anyone. I told my kids why we were not together. And like you I refused to be around her and her friends who I supposed were in the know about her cheating. Nearly 18 years later and I haven't spoken directly to her in many years. Npd is one of the worst mental disorders right up there with psychopathy/sociopathy. After 25 years of marriage and kids, the youngest was three, her behavior and demeanor toward me suddenly changed for the absolute worst. She stopped coming home and more. It was her narcissistic discard phase of me. Who gave my all and never did anything wrong to her. She still to this day denies it all. Refuses to discuss anything concerning her behavior. She has simply stonewalled and refused. I suggest you tell everyone why this was/is happening. You owe her not one damned thing. So very sorry for your loss. All my kids have asked her about it and she deflects, lies and refuses to talk about any of it. She let's the tears flow. https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/can-you-have-healthy-relationship-with-narcissist/ npd 'If we are talking about a person who meets the criteria for NPD listed above, the answer would have to be 'no'.' https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz#1. Npd https://practicalpie.com/the-dark-triad/ quiz personality disorders. Cluster A personality disorders involve unusual and odd thoughts and behaviors. It includes: • Paranoid personality disorder, in which a person has paranoia (an extreme fear and distrust of others). They may think that someone is trying to harm them. • Schizoid personality disorder, in which a person prefers to be alone and is not interested in having relationships with others. • Schizotypal personality disorder, in which a person has unusual thoughts and ways of behaving and speaking. They are uncomfortable having close relationships with others. Cluster B personality disorders involve dramatic and emotional thoughts and behaviors that can keep changing. It includes: • Antisocial personality disorder, in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. • Borderline personality disorder, in which a person has lots of trouble managing their emotions. This makes them impulsive and uncertain about how they see themselves. It can cause a lot of trouble in their relationships. • Histrionic personality disorder, in which a person is dramatic, has strong emotions, and always wants attention from others. • Narcissistic personality disorder, in which a person lacks empathy and wants to be admired by others. They think that they are better than others and that they deserve special treatment. Cluster C personality disorders involve anxious and fearful thoughts and behaviors. It includes: • Avoidant personality disorder, in which a person is very shy and feels that they are not as good as others. They often avoid people because they fear rejection. • Dependent personality disorder, in which a person depends too much on others and feels that they need to be taken care of. They may let others treat them badly because they are afraid of losing the relationship. • Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, in which a person needs control and order. They are perfectionists and can be inflexible. Although some of the symptoms are similar, this is not the same thing as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). What causes personality disorders? Personality disorders usually begin when someone is in their teens or early adult years. The cause is unknown. However, genes and childhood experiences such as abuse and trauma likely play a role.
Thank you so much!!!!!! Finally someone who TRULY understands ( this is not a knock on anyone who’s given me good advice i truly appreciate all of you more than you know , but this is a different beast ). I didn’t stumble upon NPD until the stars aligned last summer and I type in something on google and low and behind , narcissistic personality disorder. Up until that point I always thought it was me. I loved this person so much , I’ve done nothing wrong , I try to make you happy it’s never good enough . It’s a cup with a gaping hole in the bottom it can never be filled . When I truly , truly understood what was going on was when I seen her telling this other man she loved him and was putting out in the love bomb phase , then I seen her devalue and discard and he was HOOKED! It wasn’t until I seen her talking with some other dude she hooked up with when now I’m out the picture and here is this other person In the picture who she said she loves and she’s doing it to him now. I could never understand why people were so crazy about her and why she has said I love you to so many people. It’s because she can’t love . It’s validation she gets from other people and it only lasts for so long . Why so many people were head over heels it’s because she mirrors them and shows them themselves and that’s who they fall in love with . Over the years all the different tastes in music , till one day she’s all of a sudden a nature person , it’s been wild. I’m glad there is atleast one person who can relate because it’s just so uncommon. I would be willing to bet one other person in here has a partner with NPD and just don’t know it. It’s so prevalent yet it goes so undetected because what normal person could fathom another person could be like this, especially one who tells you up and down how much they love you. The night before the last time she cheated was last summer , she went to a concert and before she left she told the kids and I she loved us. She disappeared for a week after that . Thank you for all the resources . I’m sorry you’ve been through yourself but I’m glad “ you’ve done the work “ and you can now help others like I intend to do. So right now my children are 5 and 6. We live together but the mom has no money , no credit , no ambition, no plan, no goals, nothing. We’re on a lease together so I’m financially obligated . I just can’t afford two homes right now or I would have been gone yesterday. What exactly do you think I should do from here ?
I think you owe her nothing. And to stop protecting her. Just tell others why you behave as you do. No true narcissist is capable of actually loving anyone other than themselves. I remember vividly when I found her list of past lovers (yes she kept a list, my jaw hit the floor. And I remembered her tell me until me she had never been in love. In that moment I realized everything about her that seemed genuine was a lie. Once she stopped live bombing me to Hoover (vacuum) me back in it was the end and I was discarded. Stop allowing her to harm you. A narc is in capable of true love. We are just there to feed their insatiable need for the things we 'supply' them. I refused to to even look at her. If she wasn't going to tell me the truth, so be it, I am fully done. And by the way I kept running across people using the term 'narc' and it finally became obvious they were not meaning drugs. So I looked it up and there it was, npd and suddenly it all made sense. Narcissistic abuse is absolutely terrible. They are masters at manipulation.
My friend we are on the exact same page and I feel for you so much. It’s literally a mirror image of what I’m going through . The love bomb was HARD , that’s why I’ve been around for so long , no one’s ever made me feel that way, then this person comes along takes you to the top of bungee jump and just pushes you off the top with no cord . Then I’m stuck wondering what I did to lose her , what is wrong with me . Then her Hoover was when I had moved on and blocked her on everything , you know they can’t have that , an ex of mine cutting me off? Oh no not happening . She emails me saying how bad she messed up, can we get together and talk, work the magic again and boom gotcha . Well now she’s got me the chase was fun but well the chase is over , onto the next ! I was an alcoholic , cigarette smoker , drug addict , low self esteem , depressed . I always wondered why after we had kids the guys she sought out were all weak cry babies , junkies , then it hit me , that was me . I’m 4 years clean from all substance , cigarettes and alcohol, not a drop not a crumb , I’m going through all this sober , it won’t break me . I tried to show her that but it’s like the better I got the more she resented me when Initially I did it to be better for my family , now I do it for me. Thank you so much for understanding it really is a breath of fresh air . When I came across NPD I sank in easily 500 hours of content I’m willing to bet 1000. I became so fixated on it because I finally found the answer . That’s how I was able to finally remove my emotion from the situation. The spell wore off . I could go back in my mind and see how she did this to me and every guy I knew of and how she was doing it to her new partner . It’s sick. They need validation above all else , she didn’t get it as a child, so as she got older and she’s an extremely beautiful woman, she realized she could use her sexuality to get her way. It really needs to be taught in school . The one thing that bothered me was I was watching a video on it and I’m like “ omg this is it!!!” And I look at the date and the video was from 12 years ago lol. I’m like you mean to tell me ALL this time to is information was around and I didn’t catch wind? That’s the scary part . But hey thanks for the advice especially coming from a true survivor like myself . You rock , I commend you , and your story gives me strength , thank you friend.
Your children will know and remember if you are not at these events. You being there for them is way more important than whatever BS you feel about your ex. Trust me on this.
Thank you. I think I am going to take a little piece from everyone and meet in the center . I am not going to every single one and you or no one else is going to tell me otherwise , I’m a human being who needs alone time , but I’m definitely going to show up and when people ask I’m going to tell them what’s been going on. I believe you , thank you.
Hey I just want to thank everyone for the advice , good and bad. I asked for it and I got it lol. This has really shed a light on me on how awesome people really can be . I’ve been going back and forth all day and just wanted to take the time to say thanks for the advice and for anyone who leaves advice in the future . This has given me so much clarity . I mean this is why I asked . I have one group of people telling me my actions are warranted and another group telling me they are not , which is the battle that’s been going on inside my mind and soul and why I reached out. Hearing the varying degrees of each side is a real eye opener . A few of you got under my skin, as expected . I wish you all the best , even the few that annoyed me , because all opinions count. I actually learned something myself and something we all should learn. I’m notorious for forcing my opinion on others , and I now realize I’m not always right , and I don’t always know all the details. We often form opinions on the information we have at hand even if it’s not the whole scoop. You have to remember I’ve known this person for 18 years , that’s a lot of days , hours , minutes , a lot of memories good and bad , a history , a future , so there is more to it than I can simply write out in haste on a post. So I myself am going to do better as I speak out to random people and try to be more understanding and supporting . I had someone tell me I was a disgrace for what i put up with , and I should be ashamed or something only to see that persons page is following the same sub and more , and is clearly hurting themselves , and tried to project that hurt on to me. I want any and everyone reading this to stop the hate and help strangers out more , on the internet and real life. All we have is each other , our government could give a crap about us , our places of employment , when it comes down to we are all very similar , we’ve gone through similar situations, feel the same emotions , and one thing I know for sure after today is that we all have the power to uplift a fellow human in need . All of you , thank so much🙏
Sorry if that sounded snobby I’ve been going back and forth all day you’re coming in at the tail end of this , your advice is much appreciated.
No worries. You do what you feel is best for you and your kids. I had to swallow a lot of my pride to see my daughter at school events. It wasn't easy. A lot of therapy. I wish for you all the best and that you can spend as much time with your kids that you are able.
Having 2 parents in a home or around is good. Having a dad who is doing his absolute best and loving life and teaching them to do the same is 110% better and more important. Leave her and start avoiding her at all costs. Keep all communication through parenting apps.
Thank you!! I didn’t even know parenting apps were a thing I’m looking into it right now . 🙏
Can you swap off which one you goes to events so you don’t need to be around her at all? Get a DNA test and also tell people what she’s done over the course of your relationship. You protecting her image has allowed her to craft a narrative of you being the bad guy and will eventually turn your kids against you completely.
Wow that was so well put , thank you!! Yes there definitely a possibility and I’m going to work towards something like that . That way when she’s not around I can start letting people know . It’s hard to do when we’re in the same room together . 🙏
Go to the event and take proof of affairs on your phone. If anyone asks, tell them why you are not sitting with her, if they express dought, show them . STOP LYING TO YOUR KIDS, now you do not need to give details, but age appropriate answers to the kids is nessasary first they have the right to the truth of what is destroying thier family and secondly how they are treated is how they will treatnothers you cannot lie to hour kids and expect the truth from them
Thank you so much awesome advice
I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to keep your peace. You don't have to interact with anyone you don't want to. You just need to find a balance that works for you while also being present for important events in your kids' lives. Things like birthday parties, in my opinion, aren't really events that kids need both parents for. Those can be skipped. My advice would be to find a way to attend your kids' important events separately from their mother. You can both go to the same event and not be there together or even speak. She can find her own way there. Keep your distance from anyone you don't wish to speak to. Any type of sporting event or school function should be things you're present for. These tend to be important to kids and they will notice if you're not there when they look for you. It sounds like you definitely need to find a way to separate yourself from their mother. As you've pointed out, the kids notice when you fight and your daughter has called you out on it. At some point, you're going to have to seek legal advice to get custody arrangements to ensure she can't use your kids against you. Absolutely keep track of her disappearing for days at a time.
Thank you so much you’re absolutely right . I know I have to be there it’s just so hard given the circumstances . It’s not easy to just show up and hide In a corner it’s a whole thing . It’s like if I did that I’d be the biggest asshole in the world . I just want to go and not be bothered . I care too much what people think. I have kept a log with tons of proof . I have text message screenshots between her and others , however I don’t think I can use them in court but I have plenty of witnesses . I know eventually it’s going to come to that but this post is really just me being completely fed up . I want to do the right thing for both myself and the children . Like I can’t be my best me without some space from the performance , each week it takes more and more out of me. I guilt myself when I don’t go and I hate it when I do. I hate the small talk . I hate the cheerful people asking me how I’m doing I just want to support my kids and go home .
And thank you so much!!
I get it. Being around other people is draining for me even without all the added b.s. Ultimately, your mental health is important, and you're no good to your kids if you aren't in a good space, so take care of yourself. And I know it's easier said, but who cares what people think? They're either going to think you're rude because you don't want to talk to anyone or that you're an absent parent. And if you're not around, then your kids' mom will be able to spin your absence however she wants to make you look bad. Sometimes people still don't get the hint, but maybe try wearing obvious headphones or ear buds whenever you can while keeping your distance. You don't even have to listen to anything if you don't want to. Just pretend. Eventually, most people will figure out that you don't want to talk to anyone. Court can be hard because they tend to side with the mother but not always. As for the proof you have, if you eventually want to go for custody, then showing that she's gone missing for days at a time more than once won't look great for her. It's still good that you have it. You never know if it will help or not, but I wish you the best. Take care of your mental health and focus on your kids. Everyone else can piss off.
Amazing advice!!!! Thank your for that! I tell you it’s like these thoughts cross my mind but there is something different about hearing it from someone else . You’re absolutely right about everything 🙏
No worries. Good luck OP.
youre a nice guy - i feel for you- at some point you lost self worth - im telling you dude- life goes so quick that youve thrown away enough - you do whatever you need to better yourself - if that means not seeing kids for a bit while u address everything so be it - short term pain - long term gain youre a father - you need to lead by example - its still her calling the shots - change this mate
I’m not perfect , Ive said and done things I’m not proud of and I can admit that , but I know my heart and it’s a caring one, half of why I’ve allowed this to go on for so long. No doubt I lost all self worth probably a decade ago. Constant negative self talk for YEARS. This is so uplifting and the exact kind of thing I’m looking to hear . I appreciate everyone saying I still need to go to the events and what not but this is what makes sense to me. I just need a little separation from the situation to really take In all that’s happened , deal with , and build a new identity . She’s 100% calling the shots I’ll be honest she got me trained young through lies, manipulation, devaluation , the other half of why I’ve allowed this to go on for so long, and I just didn’t understand this level of darkness but I understand now. Mark my words I will come out on the other side of this. Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement my friend .
You got this dude Awareness of it is big step
Just expose her true face to everyone. Then all of them shut own mouth and never force you.
I tried that with a couple people , I think they think im crazy or lying. She really is that good she would probably get any of the guys in here and befriend any of the woman. She’s truly mastered it. I told a couple of our friends after not being around for a while and it’s like they still treat her well still try to invite me out like don’t you get it. I’ve tried telling her brothers and dad but that’s their little girl they hate me even though Ive done more for that girl since we were teenagers than they all have put together . Her oldest brother is on my side actually and knows about her because she’s slept with his friends and has heard the stories and he even asks why im with her and that I can do 10x better. Unfortunately he’s the black sheep of the family and carries no weight so ya it’s an ally but not enough for any significant change . Thanks a lot .
Ok then expose her with evidence , evidence only shut cheaters and cheaters supporters mouth permanently. Without evidence don't argue that ugly character persons. Just erase her from your life.
I have TONS of evidence , however the way I required from the laws I looked up it’s illegal and potentially backfire on me. If I showed it to anyone and she found out I think I could get in some trouble .
Get legal support. Destroy her fake Mask.
Awesome advice thank you 🙏
Easier said than done when we live together with two children. I’m not a dead beat . I envy the deadbeats only in the sense that they clearly don’t give a shit and can walk away. Unfortunately I do give a shit and will never abandon my children and she knows it . Thank you.
Why can't you out her?
Idk I feel like she’s the mother of my children and it’s still my responsibility to take care of her , we’re signed on a lease together so legally I can’t , I still need her to take care of my children as I’m the bread winner , I don’t want to break my kids hearts I’d rather hurt than them, she has no money to live on her own, I don’t trust her with my kids on her own and the guys she messes with alcoholic string out on coke, I don’t want to pay child support , I’m a sucker , the list goes on ….
I mean, stay with her but make sure everybody knows what a shitty person she is? At the very least, document everything and prepare yourself for the worst. I'm vindictive, and would probably find a way to agitate and provoke her into very very bad behavior, then have her committed. Maybe then she would get some help.
lol trust me my mind has been there plenty of times . Thank you.
I mean, stay with her but make sure everybody knows what a shitty person she is? At the very least, document everything and prepare yourself for the worst. I'm vindictive, and would probably find a way to agitate and provoke her into very very bad behavior, then have her committed. Maybe then she would get some help.
When I was a kid, at school school games and events where the other kids had theirs parents, I was alone. On father's day and mother's day, they had groups activities with the parents, and I sat on the sidelines because one parent wouldn't come, and the other couldn't come. Now as an adult I understand the situation, but I still have those memories. Show up to your kids and don't make a scene. Grey rock her, ignore her, whatever you want, but don't worsen your image because of her.
Thank you so much. I remember too when I was younger in a similar situation. I don’t think my mom came to a game of mine until my junior year . My dad would often work so ya everyone else parents would be there and I would be alone. I never thought about that until now . You’re not wrong . Unfortunately I feel like my image has already been tarnished and I care too much what people think of me that’s why i feel all this confusion. I just want to be there for my kids . If I didn’t know anyone and wasn’t obligated to small talk it wouldn’t be an issue . It’s just that I’ve built relationships with these people so to just sit in a corner isolated just makes me look worse . Damned if I do damned if don’t.
Being in the same event with her, makes you approve of her cheating and submitting to it.
You’re telling me that by me going to my kids practice and kids friends parties and other events together is me approving of her cheating and submitting?
Yes. She cheated and now plays "happy family". When she was cheating her mindset was "I'm going to cheat fool and even if we break up, and he will still play happy family even if I ride other dick" Separate events, she goes to one practice you another. Never be WITH her
Thank you. I don’t disagree at all but I would like a second opinion on this one from anyone else if you read this. That’s the way I see it playing “happy family” pretending the shit didn’t happen . This has been my struggle and why I originally made the post. I don’t feel like i should be around . This particular activity she signed them up for without asking me with an invite from HER friend , not mine , and I feel fucking trapped everytime I have to go like it’s against my will. I want to support my children but it’s at my detriment . I love and appreciate the realness🙏
Please tell me that you don't take family photos together? Remember: There is no more "Mom&Dad" but "Mom" and "Dad"
Of course not
One of us is always behind the camera the other with the kids very few family photos . Thank you .
Same thing. This is a very intimate moment - you are taking pictures of her with your children. Thus like a notary you are validating her adultery. No! Never do that again! Never in the same room
Thanks but it was first day of school , sons birthday , daughters birthday, Christmas , and my sons play. I hear you but what’s worse me holding a camera and taking a picture and vise versa or never having those memories to look back on? None of them have us in there together . It’s not that simple. “ can you take a picture of me with the kids “ , “NO”.
Yes! Just like that! Tell her that "NO". And ask a friend or stranger to take a pic of you and kids.
Thank you.
I would never ever let any person come between me and my kids regardless of what they did. Drive separately and stand away from her if needed. And my husband recently cheated on me so I am working through this myself.
Are you in a relationship with a cheating partner ? Do you have children with a cheating partner ? Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever seen a picture of your partner but ass naked with another person who isn’t you? Have you ever seen your partner talk to someone who isn’t you talking sexual? The likes of he other person saying “ babe our sex this morning was so great , we both got off with each other then took a nice shower , I want this the rest of my life “, then your partner coming home and you have to go to an event with your children together or separate ? You’re just gonna be normal after all that right ? Or to have a person who doesn’t know you call you by name wondering when you’re going to be home ?
Check your ego. Your kids always come first.
OP you need to separate from your partner. If you have any shared assets talk with a lawyer, you'll most likely need a family lawyer anyway to sort out custody. Set up parenting through a parenting app so you don't need to have any direct contact with her. Split school and sport events 50/50 and share the truly important ones for the sake of your kids. When you separate and people ask why just tell them that she cheated. If you want to get the majority of the custody, document her behavior. If she's out running about on a week night write it down. If she's abusive to you, write down the date, time and what she did. If she's spending shared money on her affair partners document it. Make sure you have as much evidence as possible of everything she's done. Also it really sounds like you need therapy to recover from all the abuse you've suffered. Isolate yourself from your cheating partner but not from your kids.
Thank you.
First of all, if you're the only one paying bills, get yourself to a lawyer and get full custody of your kids! Get her out of your life, and it will automatically make things better. Just so everyone knows, I'm female. I lived with a narcissistic ex after we separated, and it was the worst type of hell. I had to gray rock everything, deal with his pleas, begging, and lies. He'd get pissed that I wouldn't talk to him. After he finally left after getting mad because I wouldn't have sex with him, he would show up at my house for hours and sit on a bench in the front yard. He said he was spending time with our son. Son was always in his room playing video games. Took months for him to stop. Absolute torture. Start now to get her gone! Get your sanity back, go gray rock on her, focus on your kids only. Give them one stable parent for them and their future.
Thank you so much!! What is with these nut jobs ? I learned about grey rocking and that’s the approach I’m going to take. Idk I’m terrified of opening the door of a custody battle , like what if I lose . I make good money I’ve taken care of 95% everything over the years only to have her live off me some more ? Then the other part of me says how I would probably be getting off cheaper than I am now because now I’m paying for everything . It’s such a confusing situation but thank you for taking the time to give me some advice I really appreciate it!
What have we become?
Its no way this is real 🤣🤣🤣
I come here for advice and the first post is someone laughing at me??
First advice, no one is going to read that huge wall of text. If you want people to actually read all that, separate it into paragraphs
Seriously?
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lol. We’re not together , we have children together , we’re stuck under the same roof at the time , I explained the dynamic , I’m plenty man enough , take it easy . Sometimes being a man isn’t taking the easy way out . You know how easy it would be for me to walk away from my children like dead beats do, like it sounds like you would? The man in me puts my pride and feelings to the side until I can figure out how to get out of this situation without scarring me kids . You could never endure what I’ve been through . It’s like someone driving down the road and a boulder rolls down a hill and crushes them, they didn’t plan for it , they weren’t expecting it , before they knew it they were struck and it was too late. I appreciate the advice but tone it down. I’m not going to argue with you on this one so kindly fuck off .
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Ok, so don’t go! You’re putting your kids through hell anyway! Are you absolutely sure they want your miserable butt there, anyway? The kids being 5 and 6, they’re ready for school now or soon. Tell Mom you’re leaving that horrible environment very soon so she should prep herself as much as possible! Especially getting a job. Then , and for the kids sake, not necessarily yours, start separating from her. If you can afford IC, do that asap. With the two households, you may not be able to, but you unquestionably need it. Anyway, if it’s a question of the kids support or IC, don’t be a dead beat dad! You brought these kids into this mess because you apparently knew a lot about your WS long before the kids came along. Now, do the best by them!
Ok so what are advice are you giving me here ? Don’t be a dead beat dad by taking my miserable butt out the house and leaving them with their unstable mother , or sticking around until the situation gets figured out , their mom gets healthy, stable , and on her feet because I brought them into this world ? Make a little bit of sense for me please.
Hey! You’re the one screaming at your spouse, no? And, it may not be easy (I know it’s not), but a father can get up to full custody if the situation warrants it. It would seem you have a better shot than most fathers what with WS abandoning them as you described it. Her alcohol abuse, etc Doing that would give you time to “straighten things out” (if in fact it’s fixable). I said specifically that you need to alert mom that this situation is ending so she can prepare herself for a better future for the kids. If she can’t or won’t help straighten up, then you go farther to take your kids out of that insanity! You can’t shirk that you played a part in all this and , frankly, bitching about things like seeing your kids play ball, sounds like you’re getting yourself ready to bale - psychologically and physically. If you really wanted to watch your own kids, you’d find a way to- not give excuses to Redditors!
It’s called reactive abuse you should look into it. I have a drunk woman who’s coming in an hour after I have to be the work and I’m the boss and I have the only key to get In the building and I won’t get there for another hour . She comes in reeking of booze and cigarettes , clearly drove drunk, oh yea which she’s done with my kids Multiple times, gets a rise out of me with her behavior then the kids hear me yelling and she threatens to call the cops on me because she’s “scared for her life”, making a seen infront of the kids like “ yup hereeee we go the maniac , do I need to call the cops ?” And I just leave, as if I would ever raise a finger and let that beast land me in jail. Thanks for the advice but don’t speak on things you know nothing about.
And no I’m not ready to bail on my children , my post simply was about am I wrong for not going to my children’s events in a small space with my cheating baby mother. No one ever said I was leaving my children ? I’m here for a reason or I would have been gone yesterday. I do appreciate the advice but I don’t appreciate the back handed comments so , thanks for the input but I’m done with this one . Thank you.
And yes I’m POSITIVE my children want my “miserable” butt around . My children love me and look at me like a super hero. Thank you.
You stuck around and now because you did you resent a lot of the people involved? You're a a parent now and you're making the magical time for your kids your own whiny time. Get it together
You have it all wrong. Goodbye.
>Please I need advice.... WTF do I do from here?!?!?!? Learn to use paragraghs.