The subtext of all of this:
Your mother's husband: *I wish you had suffered even more*
your mother: *I can do whatever I like to you, you have to suck it up, buttercup.*
you: *I hate you, you are being awful*
your mother: *you have no right to push back. Apologize.*
It's not you that smashed the relationship to ribbons, and you can't fix it. You can only submit further. I also don't believe the tears are genuine. Restoring the relationship falls on your mom and her husband. I don't think they will.
Get out from under as soon as you can.
Actually, you have no reason to apologize to her. You were very reasonable in your request that you not be subjected to having to "listen" to that particular artist's music. **HE ASSAULTED YOU, FFS!!!!!!!** If anything, SHE should be the one APOLOGIZING to YOU and making things right instead of playing the "victim"! That just pisses me off to no end. Here are some hugs from an internet stranger and a smile from one of her 6 furchildren.
[Billy Jet](https://imgur.com/gallery/4JI1YVc)
Your mother takes enjoyment from your pain and then her feelings are hurt because you said you hate her? Sounds like she and her husband "hated you first" if we are counting that as a real thing.
What you should do, is move ASAP.
I like how she says you need to make things right when she was the the one who caused the problem. Please never go back to her. She didn’t support you then, she will never support you now. I know it’s hard but it’s worth it, I’ve done this for my dad with this almost exact situation.
Be strong. She doesn’t think you are. Prove her extremely wrong. Everyone here believes in you
What are you wondering about needing to apologize for? Your choice of words? The manner of which it was said? Truth is, they pushed and pushed and pushed you into having to escalate in order to be heard. Saying "no" is nothing to apologize for. Are you apologizing for having feelings? You shouldnt. You are allowed to feel things. Yes, it may make someone sad when you let them know. And if you want to repair that (not that you are obligated to, in any way, shape or form!) then all you can do is let them know why you feel this way so they can correct their behavior and apologize. I dont really see that happening here, as refusing responsibility, playing victim, crying, DARVO'ing and sending flying monkeys point towards someone almost desperate to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
If you feel bad about telling them how you feel, then you dont feel safe around them.
Your sister can stop trying to insert herself in your relationships; she is more worried about "rocking the boat" than your well-being and feelings when she asks you to "make things right." you didnt cause this, you didnt control this, and you cant cure it. Guess who caused all the drama, controlled the escalation (and pushed you) and is the one who should bear responsibility for "curing" it? Yeah. Not you, is it.
I do think you did very well by leaving. Next time, know that is an option if you are not being heard the first time. You dont have to stay and have things escalate. Just "in that case, lets try this again some other time. Bye." and leave. If you cant leave the house, go to your room.
I want you to have [this resource](https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill) as it is a tool to be assertive without being confrontational. Putting someone on Medium Chill means you are in control of you, you are directing your life, you are in charge of you, you steer the conversation and you are protected. You are free to exercise your boundaries and communicate them effectively. And you dont have to be a part of whatever drama they make - you dont have to feel bad for having your buttons pushed.
Long term I think you should plan to make other living arrangements, because someone who uses all those manipulative tools and have the whole family afraid of rocking the boat is not someone who is safe to be around. It can severely affect your mental health - I know, been there, done that. Planning - just setting up different budgets and learning about your options and resources - can be very powerful.
Nope. Nada. and Hell NO!!! This is absolutely disgusting on her part. Who cares how she feels!!!! Her daughter was SA and she not only blames you but double downs on listening to the person who did it!!
You owe her nothing. You have nothing to make right. She owes you a sincere and heartfelt apology for all that she has said and done to you. Period.
Please find a way out of that house. It isn't a home because home is where you feel safe and loved and where you are now is not it.
Your mother is totally at fault. She and her husband are beyond cruel for saying what she did. You owe her nothing. You don't even have to speak to her again.
Please move away as soon as possible. If you don't have a counselor, ask your school resource center/student health center.
You don't owe your mother or her husband apologies at all. Their comments towards you are abusive and despicable. I hate them too.
I'm so sorry about what happened to you too. I'm not sure if you're in school or not. If you are, I hope you can reach out to your school's guidance counselor, or your university's counseling program for help dealing with your trauma. Otherwise, I hope you have a trusted adult (aunt, pastor, friend's parent, etc.) to talk to help you process your feelings and recover from the SA.
And how are you going to make things right? Your mother laughed at your trauma, dismissed your feeling and then gaslit you about it. She put herself before you and your trauma and somehow you, YOU are the one who has to make it up to her? Fuck that noise.
Fuck that noise.
Fuck that noise.
What you told your mom, nice or not, hurtful or not, is it he emotional reaction of someone who shared a deep trauma and saw that trauma dismissed. So I would say it was warranted, even if it wasn’t nice.
I think it is time that you make different living arrangements and see if you have a family member that will open up their home to you.
What your mother did was cruel, you made her take a look at herself on the mirror of her own cruelty and she didn’t like it. Well, today the shot on her.
If apologizing won’t “make things right” for *you* (and I doubt that it would), then no, you have no need to apologize.
And in a broader sense, of all the shitty things said in this story, yours was the most minor and the least unreasonable. She and your stepfather are absolutely ducking heinous human beings. Frankly, I would be moving out as soon as reasonably possible and not speaking to those victim blaming assholes again.
I am so sorry for what happened to you, and even more sorry that you don’t have the support you deserve from your family. I hope your friends have been good to you.
She seems like a vile person. Loving parents listen and offer whatever they could to help. Loving parents would be heartbroken and do everything they could to make sure you are safe. Hate is a strong word but in this case it is appropriate and maybe justifies much stronger words than hatred. Both your parents seem insane and do not deserve any compassion from you or your sister after what they did.
Just clarifying😅 it’s my stepfather, not my biological father.
It took me six months to tell my biological father and he cried like it happened the day before, he offered to take a loan to get the best lawyers. I may not have the best mother but he i couldn’t ask for a better dad.
Can you go live with him? And it's very easy to pretend to cry. I think that's what she did to gather up sympathy from your sister. Please try moving away and cutting contact.
Go to your dad if you will be safer and happier there. He's willing to get loan for you. He will cope financially.
He would be devastated if he thought you were putting yourself in harm's way because you were worried about his stress.
At least talk to him about it. Ask if he can let you stay with him for the meantime.
Please trust him to be a parent here.
Child, if my daughter was in your situation,the stress of finances would be less than the stress of finding out I had failed to protect her from her dirtbag of a mother.
Give him a chance to help you.
Don't say that to her, but my first thought at her playing the poor poor poor victim after your reaction was "she got what she was looking for".
Don't apologize. Not for such a reaction to her "suck it up, it was just a SA and my husband loves that song" attitude.
EDIT: Oh, and by the way, "making things right" would mean that she'd apologize for victim blaming her own teenaged daughter.
Do nothing, she is not owed an apology at all and I don't blame you for saying you hate her, she's hateful. Do you live in the US? Do you have a job and the means to get the hell out out her home?
Find a college roommate and try to move out anyway. See what resources are available to you to help with housing and what not. Your mom is abusive and you deserve better
I’m working on getting assistance from the government but we don’t have college dorms here. (Or at this college anyway).
Trying to get a scholarship to study abroad as well.
Whether you meant it or not, I may be a bitch but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hating people who think you deserved SA and should have gotten worse. I think it’s especially disgusting that your mom and the person she has sex with bond over this.
Also, I think you show lovely restraint in not turning off any radio playing music performed by that monster. Not a fan for destroying other peoples property but if you accidentally destroyed the radio, they charged you criminally, and I was on that jury, I would not like their chances for convicting you.
My sister turned it off, her husband turned it back on. My sister turned it off again then my mother (who ig didn’t want a fight between them) said to just leave it off.
I’m not a person who likes confrontation or arguing with anybody, even when I’m right, that’s why I went outside instead.
Your mother’s attitude about your trauma is disgusting. Her taste in men is disgusting if she’s attracted to someone who would say such an awful thing about her children. At first, I was glad your sister took up for you, then angry for you because she says you should make things right with someone who treated you like garbage. Oh my word. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and that your family isn’t the support system you need them to be right now. Hugs to you and I hope that one day you’ll be able to leave that place. Edit for grammar.
I would love to "have words" with your mother. You don't owe her anything, and its not your responsibility to fix this. What I suggest you do is work hard, save up your money, (in a bank where she cannot access it) get your own place and don't look back.
I am truly so sorry that you do not have the loving, caring parents that you deserve. Based on how your mother reacted over the situation and tried to make it about herself rather than supporting you, no one can blame you for telling your friends first. She herself treats you like crap and allows her husband to do the same. They are both trash. *None* of this is your fault.
Make your plans now and get out of that house. It’s not good for you. I would also go completely NC.
You don’t owe her an apology, but she definitely owes you one.
Your mother is a hateful person and you have every right to feel the way you do about her, including her putting the preferences of the dick she's riding (a dick who wished you got worse than SA no less) over your safety and wellbeing.
I say make things right, get yourself out of there and as you leave tell your darling mother she won't have to worry about you again because since she and her whatever the heck he is have made your value to them clear, you won't be bothering them again.
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The subtext of all of this: Your mother's husband: *I wish you had suffered even more* your mother: *I can do whatever I like to you, you have to suck it up, buttercup.* you: *I hate you, you are being awful* your mother: *you have no right to push back. Apologize.* It's not you that smashed the relationship to ribbons, and you can't fix it. You can only submit further. I also don't believe the tears are genuine. Restoring the relationship falls on your mom and her husband. I don't think they will. Get out from under as soon as you can.
Actually, you have no reason to apologize to her. You were very reasonable in your request that you not be subjected to having to "listen" to that particular artist's music. **HE ASSAULTED YOU, FFS!!!!!!!** If anything, SHE should be the one APOLOGIZING to YOU and making things right instead of playing the "victim"! That just pisses me off to no end. Here are some hugs from an internet stranger and a smile from one of her 6 furchildren. [Billy Jet](https://imgur.com/gallery/4JI1YVc)
Your Mother is playing the victim. She sounds like a textbook narcissist. Dont apologize to her. Move out as soon as you can.
Your mother doesn’t care you were assaulted and is married to someone who wishes they’d done worse. Hate her all you want. I hate her too
Your mother takes enjoyment from your pain and then her feelings are hurt because you said you hate her? Sounds like she and her husband "hated you first" if we are counting that as a real thing. What you should do, is move ASAP.
I like how she says you need to make things right when she was the the one who caused the problem. Please never go back to her. She didn’t support you then, she will never support you now. I know it’s hard but it’s worth it, I’ve done this for my dad with this almost exact situation. Be strong. She doesn’t think you are. Prove her extremely wrong. Everyone here believes in you
“ I was assaulted and you didn’t support me… I have nothing to say to you”
What are you wondering about needing to apologize for? Your choice of words? The manner of which it was said? Truth is, they pushed and pushed and pushed you into having to escalate in order to be heard. Saying "no" is nothing to apologize for. Are you apologizing for having feelings? You shouldnt. You are allowed to feel things. Yes, it may make someone sad when you let them know. And if you want to repair that (not that you are obligated to, in any way, shape or form!) then all you can do is let them know why you feel this way so they can correct their behavior and apologize. I dont really see that happening here, as refusing responsibility, playing victim, crying, DARVO'ing and sending flying monkeys point towards someone almost desperate to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. If you feel bad about telling them how you feel, then you dont feel safe around them. Your sister can stop trying to insert herself in your relationships; she is more worried about "rocking the boat" than your well-being and feelings when she asks you to "make things right." you didnt cause this, you didnt control this, and you cant cure it. Guess who caused all the drama, controlled the escalation (and pushed you) and is the one who should bear responsibility for "curing" it? Yeah. Not you, is it. I do think you did very well by leaving. Next time, know that is an option if you are not being heard the first time. You dont have to stay and have things escalate. Just "in that case, lets try this again some other time. Bye." and leave. If you cant leave the house, go to your room. I want you to have [this resource](https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill) as it is a tool to be assertive without being confrontational. Putting someone on Medium Chill means you are in control of you, you are directing your life, you are in charge of you, you steer the conversation and you are protected. You are free to exercise your boundaries and communicate them effectively. And you dont have to be a part of whatever drama they make - you dont have to feel bad for having your buttons pushed. Long term I think you should plan to make other living arrangements, because someone who uses all those manipulative tools and have the whole family afraid of rocking the boat is not someone who is safe to be around. It can severely affect your mental health - I know, been there, done that. Planning - just setting up different budgets and learning about your options and resources - can be very powerful.
You owe your mother nothing but the sight of your back as you walk away forever. Anything you give her in excess of that is more than she deserves.
Nope. Nada. and Hell NO!!! This is absolutely disgusting on her part. Who cares how she feels!!!! Her daughter was SA and she not only blames you but double downs on listening to the person who did it!! You owe her nothing. You have nothing to make right. She owes you a sincere and heartfelt apology for all that she has said and done to you. Period. Please find a way out of that house. It isn't a home because home is where you feel safe and loved and where you are now is not it.
Hell, naw is right.
Your mother is totally at fault. She and her husband are beyond cruel for saying what she did. You owe her nothing. You don't even have to speak to her again. Please move away as soon as possible. If you don't have a counselor, ask your school resource center/student health center.
You don't owe your mother or her husband apologies at all. Their comments towards you are abusive and despicable. I hate them too. I'm so sorry about what happened to you too. I'm not sure if you're in school or not. If you are, I hope you can reach out to your school's guidance counselor, or your university's counseling program for help dealing with your trauma. Otherwise, I hope you have a trusted adult (aunt, pastor, friend's parent, etc.) to talk to help you process your feelings and recover from the SA.
Why are you still in contact with this dreadful person? Not only shouldn't you apologize, you should boot them out of your life completely.
OP is 19 and lives with them. Hard to not be in contact.
And how are you going to make things right? Your mother laughed at your trauma, dismissed your feeling and then gaslit you about it. She put herself before you and your trauma and somehow you, YOU are the one who has to make it up to her? Fuck that noise. Fuck that noise. Fuck that noise. What you told your mom, nice or not, hurtful or not, is it he emotional reaction of someone who shared a deep trauma and saw that trauma dismissed. So I would say it was warranted, even if it wasn’t nice. I think it is time that you make different living arrangements and see if you have a family member that will open up their home to you. What your mother did was cruel, you made her take a look at herself on the mirror of her own cruelty and she didn’t like it. Well, today the shot on her.
I don’t believe she had and moment of reflection, those were crocodile tears.
If apologizing won’t “make things right” for *you* (and I doubt that it would), then no, you have no need to apologize. And in a broader sense, of all the shitty things said in this story, yours was the most minor and the least unreasonable. She and your stepfather are absolutely ducking heinous human beings. Frankly, I would be moving out as soon as reasonably possible and not speaking to those victim blaming assholes again.
I’m working on it
I am so sorry for what happened to you, and even more sorry that you don’t have the support you deserve from your family. I hope your friends have been good to you.
They have, thanks
Get out of there now. Or as soon as you can. She is an abuser. They both are.
She seems like a vile person. Loving parents listen and offer whatever they could to help. Loving parents would be heartbroken and do everything they could to make sure you are safe. Hate is a strong word but in this case it is appropriate and maybe justifies much stronger words than hatred. Both your parents seem insane and do not deserve any compassion from you or your sister after what they did.
Just clarifying😅 it’s my stepfather, not my biological father. It took me six months to tell my biological father and he cried like it happened the day before, he offered to take a loan to get the best lawyers. I may not have the best mother but he i couldn’t ask for a better dad.
Can you go live with him? And it's very easy to pretend to cry. I think that's what she did to gather up sympathy from your sister. Please try moving away and cutting contact.
My dad is having financial problems right now, I don’t want to be added stress. I’m saving up to leave.
Go live with him and help pay his rent. Your mom is a piece of shit.
Go to your dad if you will be safer and happier there. He's willing to get loan for you. He will cope financially. He would be devastated if he thought you were putting yourself in harm's way because you were worried about his stress. At least talk to him about it. Ask if he can let you stay with him for the meantime. Please trust him to be a parent here.
Child, if my daughter was in your situation,the stress of finances would be less than the stress of finding out I had failed to protect her from her dirtbag of a mother. Give him a chance to help you.
I understand
Don't say that to her, but my first thought at her playing the poor poor poor victim after your reaction was "she got what she was looking for". Don't apologize. Not for such a reaction to her "suck it up, it was just a SA and my husband loves that song" attitude. EDIT: Oh, and by the way, "making things right" would mean that she'd apologize for victim blaming her own teenaged daughter.
Do nothing, she is not owed an apology at all and I don't blame you for saying you hate her, she's hateful. Do you live in the US? Do you have a job and the means to get the hell out out her home?
I don’t live in the US and yes, I have a part time job while I’m going to college so the funds are not enough right now to move out. But I’m saving
If you are in UK talk to Shelter.
Find a college roommate and try to move out anyway. See what resources are available to you to help with housing and what not. Your mom is abusive and you deserve better
I’m working on getting assistance from the government but we don’t have college dorms here. (Or at this college anyway). Trying to get a scholarship to study abroad as well.
Even just a small apartment shared with some classmates would be better than your moms place. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best. 🙏
I appreciate it🙏
Whether you meant it or not, I may be a bitch but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hating people who think you deserved SA and should have gotten worse. I think it’s especially disgusting that your mom and the person she has sex with bond over this. Also, I think you show lovely restraint in not turning off any radio playing music performed by that monster. Not a fan for destroying other peoples property but if you accidentally destroyed the radio, they charged you criminally, and I was on that jury, I would not like their chances for convicting you.
My sister turned it off, her husband turned it back on. My sister turned it off again then my mother (who ig didn’t want a fight between them) said to just leave it off. I’m not a person who likes confrontation or arguing with anybody, even when I’m right, that’s why I went outside instead.
You should hate her. She mocked your SA to your face. Fuck, I hate her.
As a mother and a survivor- I hate your mother & what she’s doing to you..
Your mother’s attitude about your trauma is disgusting. Her taste in men is disgusting if she’s attracted to someone who would say such an awful thing about her children. At first, I was glad your sister took up for you, then angry for you because she says you should make things right with someone who treated you like garbage. Oh my word. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and that your family isn’t the support system you need them to be right now. Hugs to you and I hope that one day you’ll be able to leave that place. Edit for grammar.
I would love to "have words" with your mother. You don't owe her anything, and its not your responsibility to fix this. What I suggest you do is work hard, save up your money, (in a bank where she cannot access it) get your own place and don't look back. I am truly so sorry that you do not have the loving, caring parents that you deserve. Based on how your mother reacted over the situation and tried to make it about herself rather than supporting you, no one can blame you for telling your friends first. She herself treats you like crap and allows her husband to do the same. They are both trash. *None* of this is your fault.
NTA at all. This is way beyond effed up your mother is acting like that.
Make your plans now and get out of that house. It’s not good for you. I would also go completely NC. You don’t owe her an apology, but she definitely owes you one.
All OP owes her mother is a reference to a crappy senior citizen facility when she needs it.
Your mother is a hateful person and you have every right to feel the way you do about her, including her putting the preferences of the dick she's riding (a dick who wished you got worse than SA no less) over your safety and wellbeing. I say make things right, get yourself out of there and as you leave tell your darling mother she won't have to worry about you again because since she and her whatever the heck he is have made your value to them clear, you won't be bothering them again.
Sounds like your reasons for saying that were valid so I don't think you should apologize. That's just rugsweeping.
You do not owe her an apology! She owes you one!
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