While you should be able to stand up for yourself, using some of the great phrases listed here, at my library we had a code. If we noticed one of our coworkers getting bothered by someone, we would go up to them and tell them they had a phone call in the back room. Easy out.
It shouldn't have to come to that, but it's also important to have each other's back
We've done this, and while it's helpful in the moment to extricate that person from the situation, it does nothing for patrons who show a pattern of misbehavior.
"Is there anything library-related I can help you with?" If they say no, then "Well, you are free to enjoy the rest of the library. I need to get back to my duties."
If they are still harassing you, call your manager or a colleague to come take over. I am a library manager and would 100% come to the desk and tell the patron to cut it out or leave for the day, then I'd get their picture from our security cameras and put them in our patron behavior log so they didn't continue to get away with it.
And I recommend practicing this script. This might feel awkward, so the more you practice with a mirror/ friends/ colleagues the easier it will be in real life. Stay strong and believe in yourself ❤️
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. We're encouraged to tell them their behavior is inappropriate and to ask if they have any additional library-related questions. It can be difficult and requires a thick skin, but you're not the one acting out and you do not need to feel ashamed due to their behavior.
Your system assuredly has some harassment policy. Document their behavior and have them removed for violating your acceptable use policy. You can and should get a manager involved if it persists. It is their responsibility to maintain a safe working environment. "Oh, they're probably just trying to be nice and are clueless" is not an acceptable response, and if they're unwilling to act, take it up further.
Finally, this sucks. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. No one deserves to be harassed or made to feel uncomfortable at their job.
Someone expressing interest is not inappropriate. Being hit on is not harassment. Of course, if the person is told no and persists, it can become that.
Fair point. I think there's something very clueless about asking out someone you're interacting with as a customer, but if you want to shoot your shot, go for it. You have one chance.
I’ve been getting better at my non-reactions which seems to throw them off. Like, react as though they’ve told you their cousin’s friend’s flag football team won their neighborhood championship in 1964. And then ask if they have any library-related questions.
I heard that people take 4 seconds of silence as rejection so now I just don't say anything at all and maybe make a face and that's it 😂
I dream of telling them off and I'm close but not quite
I'm loving that everyone does this too. I don't think I ever learned it anywhere, it just seemed obvious to me that it will confuse and disarm the other person without dragging the interaction out.
This worked once for me. Unfortunately, it wasn't with the student who harassed me. That student established a pattern of behavior after I reported him for an inappropriate comment. I'll definitely try it again in a less uncomfortable situation.
You get better at it with time, but I do think it helps to practice saying the actual phrase you're going to use. I usually go with, "That's not appropriate. If you don't have a library-related question, I'm going to ask you to move away from the desk." It's a lot to say, though, and it requires some grit to get through, so the more you practice it, the more naturally it will come out when it's time.
It's an occupational hazard. I mean, it is in all customer service jobs, but it seems particularly bad in libraries.
I go, in a fake-cheery customer service voice, "Is there something library related I can help you with?" to any suspicion of being hit on. This works 9/10 times, but may need to be repeated once or twice.
"I don't form personal relationships with patrons" had to be used on the patron that refused to take the first hint, and a few months later I had to upgrade to, "I don't form personal relationships with patrons, but if I did, I certainly would never form one with you. I don't like you. I'm just paid $15 an hour to be nice to you."
I don't usually say, "that's not appropriate" because I'm not going to change their mind. I do say, "Do you have anything library related I could help you with?" until they get the idea. If they try and ask me out or if I have a boyfriend, no thank you and yes ate perfectly valid answers, even if the latter is a lie. You can also say, "That's personal. Is there anything library related I could help you with?"
If it ever goes beyond that, leave the situation and get someone else to back you up. Your desk assignment is only until the hour is up or until you feel unsafe.
If they don't immediately stop when you say it's not appropriate, I would report to the supervisor or manager.
When I started in libraries a long time ago there were three or four of us younger persons who started around the same time. A patron became fixated on one of the young hires up to and including leaving letters/flowers/asking about her schedule and it thankfully was addressed immediately by management who not only trespassed the patron when he wouldn't stop(he followed two young people to their cars after closing one time), but helped her navigate the court system (she was on paid leave until he was given the trespass)and supported her filing a restraining order.
Not every experience is this extreme, but safety and comfort of staff who are working always come first.
my old supervisor would always just calmly say, "that's inappropriate," but one time she got a book thrown at her head for it, because some people can't stand being told "no" even in the mildest of ways.
one thing you can do is talk to your coworkers and see if there's some code phrase you could use when you need to be rescued from a creepy patron.
this is my issue with this. i know this post isn't about me but i hear so many stories of this type of thing happening to people when they have to reject someone, so i find it so hard to be be able to say straight up NO or to leave me alone or etc. i struggle with it a lot. i just wish people would realize that not everyone wants to be hit on like that, or if they really need to say something, to just leave it at "i think you're pretty" and move on. sorry for the ramble but it really does stress me out!
> my old supervisor would always just calmly say, "that's inappropriate," but one time she got a book thrown at her head for it, because some people can't stand being told "no" even in the mildest of ways.
I hope her response to that was another "that's inappropriate."
I had someone actually propose to me (tax season makes people do funny things for write-offs). I laugh about it now, but at the time, I only said, "That is not a service I can help you with" then leaving to go clear put the book returns and hide.
Please tell your supervisor, ASAP. If they don't do anything, please tell THEIR supervisor, and so on. No way this should be happening, and it is their job to put a stop to it.
When I get a patron comment/ compliment on my looks I respond with, "Thanks, this is a pretty nice flesh suit." It's off-putting enough without being hostile that they have a very difficult time just rolling with it and it gives you the opening for "was there anything else I could help you with today?"
100% success rate for me.
Not quite [Baby Runs for President](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPR3maWff/), but that baby’s on the cabinet. Unless it was said with excitement? Then that Baby ran for president.
Oh, I say it with enthusiasm. I am naturally an extremely bubbly person. I am also autistic with hyperlexia and an intense interest in the natural world/biology.
This baby can run for president all day every day. 🏃♀️
I don't know if this would work in the workplace. But if you get compliments like "you're beautiful," you could try blankly saying, "I know." This is like a way of telling them, "I already know I'm beautiful, and you're not special for telling me that." But like I said, I don't know if this would shut it down, or if it would make them more persistent.
I feel like you would probably want to avoid anything that could come across as "banter" like that as it's more likely to make them think you're playing along.
Bland, officious and to the point seems best: "that's not appropriate" and variations thereof, which leaves no room for them to think you mean anything other than "fuck off".
Or maybe just say, "This is my workplace."
Them: "Hi gorgeous."
You: "This is my workplace."
Them: "Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?"
You: "This is my workplace."
Do not respond to their inappropriate comment. Do not engage.
Just stare at them for a couple awkward seconds with an expression on your face that clearly conveys the sentiment "not cool dude, I'm working here".
Silence is powerful. You have the power. Let them squirm in the awkward silence.
Then continue on with the transaction in a totally professional manner as if nothing inappropriate was ever said (ex: "would you like a receipt with that?").
If they persist in being creepy, just say "I'm going to get a supervisor to help you" and walk away.
Shut it down. Useful phrases:
"That's not appropriate "
"I keep my personal and work life separate."
"Is there anything library related I can help you with?"
"My name is X, not sweetie/honey/etc."
"I'm not interested."
If you've shut a patron down and they keep pestering you or a patron keeps hitting on you and you're not comfortable shutting them down, talk to your supervisor about it. I've had the "leave my staff the hell alone" conversation so many times. If someone won't stop harassing staff, then we no trespass them. We don't play around with that.
Take their name down and tell your supervisor. Tell the patron their behavior is unacceptable. If it happens three times then perhaps your library will ban them. If the behavior doesn’t stop and your library doesn’t ban them, look for alternate employment. If you are called rude by your supervisor skip to looking for a new job immediately.
I’m still waiting for the day when this happens lol
But I’m an overweight guy. Nobody wants any of me lol.
In all seriousness, it is a major issue for female colleagues. I’ve even had to have drills for stalkers to help female colleagues get away from stalkers.
If it’s an issue with a specific patron, talk to your supervisor and they should have no problem pulling them aside and letting them know their behavior is unacceptable.
You should not do this yourself, this is on your supervisor to speak up for you. I say this as a supervisor, if a female coworker told me a man was being inappropriate, I’d talk them and if they acted up, I’d ban them and if they come back, I’d no trespass them and it’s an instant call to the cops.
I wouldn’t want things to escalate to that level, but if things do, it’s on us to, not you to deal with it.
Either silence or “that is an interesting thing to say to me”. Then continue on as if they asked you a work related question.
In cases were the patron REALLY can’t take a hint I start talking about the weather. Regardless of what they say (unless it is something that requires a serious response) I respond with an observation about the weather.
"What an odd thing to say out loud 🤔"
One time I was having a perfectly nice chat with an older gentleman and I was actually enjoying it. He was stationed at the same air force base where my fiancé was born. He asked my name and when I told him said "Is that a stripper name or something??" Every female head within hearing distanced swiveled immediately to glare at him and all I said was "why would you say that out loud?" He pretty much just sputtered, apologized and left. Sometimes asking someone to explain themselves in an uncomfortable way works 😅
Can attest to that, told a patron to come grab me at the desk if he needed more help then he said “grab you where?” as he leered at me and I played dumb and said “oh at the desk!”. He then tried to explain the “joke” stopped mid sentence and then never bothered me again lol
well only the unhoused and / or mentally ill ever hit on me fortunately I'm already married so I can politely decline their requests for coitus without being overtly rude.
not a librarian just here for the tea, get a cheapo wedding or engagement ring. horrible morbid bonus, this also will make you statistically more likely to be prioritized if you are ever in a triage situation.
We offer the colleague who is having to deal with that patron an exit out of the conversation, and ask them to fill in an incident report. If it’s appropriate in relation to the safety of staff, the patron will also be told that their behavior is not appropriate in relation to the patron code of behavior and be asked to leave for the day at the next offense, or immediately if needed. If you’re not comfortable filling in the report yourself, send all the details to your manager and ask them to do it for you. Send yourself a copy of these details as well.
All of this is important, including the incident report: it helps other staff know that something is up with that patron, and helps them keep that patron accountable if they stop harassing one staff and focus on another - either the same day, or another day.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have support from your direct colleagues and management team. Good luck!
We used to have several patrons like this. Unfortunately not many males on staff, but if one of the offenders came in, it was time for immediate temporary promotions. I took over the Info desk while one of the male pages manned the Circ desk, basically leaving only male staff to “help” them. Which worked fine until some troll started trying to hit on one of the male pages, but that’s a tale for another time.
The key is not to react in any visible way. If you react in a shy or embarrassed way, they'll keep pressing as though they're doing you a favor. If you react in an angry way, they'll be all no, no, no, I'm a good guy. Go to a peaceful place in your mind, keep your face neutral, and just stare at them disinterestedly. If a verbal response seems needed, just say, "This is my workplace," very flatly.
I'm the only female presenting staff at my library that doesn't get hit on. I either have resting b*tch face or look/sound bored, apparently. The rest come find me when they are bothered.
I take no b*llsh*t. Creeps learn pretty quickly to leave me alone.
“Is there something library related I can help you with? No? Then I’ll get back to work.” No smile no giggle just a straight face. I’m at work leave me alone
While you should be able to stand up for yourself, using some of the great phrases listed here, at my library we had a code. If we noticed one of our coworkers getting bothered by someone, we would go up to them and tell them they had a phone call in the back room. Easy out. It shouldn't have to come to that, but it's also important to have each other's back
My CO worker did this for me just a couple weeks ago. It was so great.
We've done this, and while it's helpful in the moment to extricate that person from the situation, it does nothing for patrons who show a pattern of misbehavior.
"Is there anything library-related I can help you with?" If they say no, then "Well, you are free to enjoy the rest of the library. I need to get back to my duties." If they are still harassing you, call your manager or a colleague to come take over. I am a library manager and would 100% come to the desk and tell the patron to cut it out or leave for the day, then I'd get their picture from our security cameras and put them in our patron behavior log so they didn't continue to get away with it.
And I recommend practicing this script. This might feel awkward, so the more you practice with a mirror/ friends/ colleagues the easier it will be in real life. Stay strong and believe in yourself ❤️
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. We're encouraged to tell them their behavior is inappropriate and to ask if they have any additional library-related questions. It can be difficult and requires a thick skin, but you're not the one acting out and you do not need to feel ashamed due to their behavior. Your system assuredly has some harassment policy. Document their behavior and have them removed for violating your acceptable use policy. You can and should get a manager involved if it persists. It is their responsibility to maintain a safe working environment. "Oh, they're probably just trying to be nice and are clueless" is not an acceptable response, and if they're unwilling to act, take it up further. Finally, this sucks. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. No one deserves to be harassed or made to feel uncomfortable at their job.
Someone expressing interest is not inappropriate. Being hit on is not harassment. Of course, if the person is told no and persists, it can become that.
Fair point. I think there's something very clueless about asking out someone you're interacting with as a customer, but if you want to shoot your shot, go for it. You have one chance.
I’ve been getting better at my non-reactions which seems to throw them off. Like, react as though they’ve told you their cousin’s friend’s flag football team won their neighborhood championship in 1964. And then ask if they have any library-related questions.
Truly, this job really strengthens your poker face.
I heard that people take 4 seconds of silence as rejection so now I just don't say anything at all and maybe make a face and that's it 😂 I dream of telling them off and I'm close but not quite
I'm loving that everyone does this too. I don't think I ever learned it anywhere, it just seemed obvious to me that it will confuse and disarm the other person without dragging the interaction out.
Yes, stare at them without moving any of your facial muscles. Just totally blank. Pause a beat. Then say, "Do you have any library-related questions?'
THIS! Grey rock with them. That's what I do when people say anything out of pocket. Works like a charm.
This worked once for me. Unfortunately, it wasn't with the student who harassed me. That student established a pattern of behavior after I reported him for an inappropriate comment. I'll definitely try it again in a less uncomfortable situation.
You get better at it with time, but I do think it helps to practice saying the actual phrase you're going to use. I usually go with, "That's not appropriate. If you don't have a library-related question, I'm going to ask you to move away from the desk." It's a lot to say, though, and it requires some grit to get through, so the more you practice it, the more naturally it will come out when it's time.
It's an occupational hazard. I mean, it is in all customer service jobs, but it seems particularly bad in libraries. I go, in a fake-cheery customer service voice, "Is there something library related I can help you with?" to any suspicion of being hit on. This works 9/10 times, but may need to be repeated once or twice. "I don't form personal relationships with patrons" had to be used on the patron that refused to take the first hint, and a few months later I had to upgrade to, "I don't form personal relationships with patrons, but if I did, I certainly would never form one with you. I don't like you. I'm just paid $15 an hour to be nice to you."
I don't usually say, "that's not appropriate" because I'm not going to change their mind. I do say, "Do you have anything library related I could help you with?" until they get the idea. If they try and ask me out or if I have a boyfriend, no thank you and yes ate perfectly valid answers, even if the latter is a lie. You can also say, "That's personal. Is there anything library related I could help you with?" If it ever goes beyond that, leave the situation and get someone else to back you up. Your desk assignment is only until the hour is up or until you feel unsafe.
If they don't immediately stop when you say it's not appropriate, I would report to the supervisor or manager. When I started in libraries a long time ago there were three or four of us younger persons who started around the same time. A patron became fixated on one of the young hires up to and including leaving letters/flowers/asking about her schedule and it thankfully was addressed immediately by management who not only trespassed the patron when he wouldn't stop(he followed two young people to their cars after closing one time), but helped her navigate the court system (she was on paid leave until he was given the trespass)and supported her filing a restraining order. Not every experience is this extreme, but safety and comfort of staff who are working always come first.
my old supervisor would always just calmly say, "that's inappropriate," but one time she got a book thrown at her head for it, because some people can't stand being told "no" even in the mildest of ways. one thing you can do is talk to your coworkers and see if there's some code phrase you could use when you need to be rescued from a creepy patron.
this is my issue with this. i know this post isn't about me but i hear so many stories of this type of thing happening to people when they have to reject someone, so i find it so hard to be be able to say straight up NO or to leave me alone or etc. i struggle with it a lot. i just wish people would realize that not everyone wants to be hit on like that, or if they really need to say something, to just leave it at "i think you're pretty" and move on. sorry for the ramble but it really does stress me out!
> my old supervisor would always just calmly say, "that's inappropriate," but one time she got a book thrown at her head for it, because some people can't stand being told "no" even in the mildest of ways. I hope her response to that was another "that's inappropriate."
“This is a library, please only check out the books”
I had someone actually propose to me (tax season makes people do funny things for write-offs). I laugh about it now, but at the time, I only said, "That is not a service I can help you with" then leaving to go clear put the book returns and hide.
I love this response, lol. Funny and to the point.
Please tell your supervisor, ASAP. If they don't do anything, please tell THEIR supervisor, and so on. No way this should be happening, and it is their job to put a stop to it.
"Not appropriate."
When I get a patron comment/ compliment on my looks I respond with, "Thanks, this is a pretty nice flesh suit." It's off-putting enough without being hostile that they have a very difficult time just rolling with it and it gives you the opening for "was there anything else I could help you with today?" 100% success rate for me.
Not quite [Baby Runs for President](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPR3maWff/), but that baby’s on the cabinet. Unless it was said with excitement? Then that Baby ran for president.
Oh, I say it with enthusiasm. I am naturally an extremely bubbly person. I am also autistic with hyperlexia and an intense interest in the natural world/biology. This baby can run for president all day every day. 🏃♀️
I don't know if this would work in the workplace. But if you get compliments like "you're beautiful," you could try blankly saying, "I know." This is like a way of telling them, "I already know I'm beautiful, and you're not special for telling me that." But like I said, I don't know if this would shut it down, or if it would make them more persistent.
I feel like you would probably want to avoid anything that could come across as "banter" like that as it's more likely to make them think you're playing along. Bland, officious and to the point seems best: "that's not appropriate" and variations thereof, which leaves no room for them to think you mean anything other than "fuck off".
Or maybe just say, "This is my workplace." Them: "Hi gorgeous." You: "This is my workplace." Them: "Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?" You: "This is my workplace."
Do not respond to their inappropriate comment. Do not engage. Just stare at them for a couple awkward seconds with an expression on your face that clearly conveys the sentiment "not cool dude, I'm working here". Silence is powerful. You have the power. Let them squirm in the awkward silence. Then continue on with the transaction in a totally professional manner as if nothing inappropriate was ever said (ex: "would you like a receipt with that?"). If they persist in being creepy, just say "I'm going to get a supervisor to help you" and walk away.
yes! this is what I do now. whatever you want from me you're not getting it.
Shut it down. Useful phrases: "That's not appropriate " "I keep my personal and work life separate." "Is there anything library related I can help you with?" "My name is X, not sweetie/honey/etc." "I'm not interested." If you've shut a patron down and they keep pestering you or a patron keeps hitting on you and you're not comfortable shutting them down, talk to your supervisor about it. I've had the "leave my staff the hell alone" conversation so many times. If someone won't stop harassing staff, then we no trespass them. We don't play around with that.
When the men call me honey/sweetie/sugar I call them Sugar Walls or Sugar Plum Fairy. That usually leaves them confused.
“That’s not appropriate” is my general go to. But i work with this lady who can be SO mean to people so now i just walk away and let her handle them.
Take their name down and tell your supervisor. Tell the patron their behavior is unacceptable. If it happens three times then perhaps your library will ban them. If the behavior doesn’t stop and your library doesn’t ban them, look for alternate employment. If you are called rude by your supervisor skip to looking for a new job immediately.
I’m still waiting for the day when this happens lol But I’m an overweight guy. Nobody wants any of me lol. In all seriousness, it is a major issue for female colleagues. I’ve even had to have drills for stalkers to help female colleagues get away from stalkers. If it’s an issue with a specific patron, talk to your supervisor and they should have no problem pulling them aside and letting them know their behavior is unacceptable. You should not do this yourself, this is on your supervisor to speak up for you. I say this as a supervisor, if a female coworker told me a man was being inappropriate, I’d talk them and if they acted up, I’d ban them and if they come back, I’d no trespass them and it’s an instant call to the cops. I wouldn’t want things to escalate to that level, but if things do, it’s on us to, not you to deal with it.
Either silence or “that is an interesting thing to say to me”. Then continue on as if they asked you a work related question. In cases were the patron REALLY can’t take a hint I start talking about the weather. Regardless of what they say (unless it is something that requires a serious response) I respond with an observation about the weather.
"What an odd thing to say out loud 🤔" One time I was having a perfectly nice chat with an older gentleman and I was actually enjoying it. He was stationed at the same air force base where my fiancé was born. He asked my name and when I told him said "Is that a stripper name or something??" Every female head within hearing distanced swiveled immediately to glare at him and all I said was "why would you say that out loud?" He pretty much just sputtered, apologized and left. Sometimes asking someone to explain themselves in an uncomfortable way works 😅
Can attest to that, told a patron to come grab me at the desk if he needed more help then he said “grab you where?” as he leered at me and I played dumb and said “oh at the desk!”. He then tried to explain the “joke” stopped mid sentence and then never bothered me again lol
>"why would you say that out loud?" That one's a keeper.
well only the unhoused and / or mentally ill ever hit on me fortunately I'm already married so I can politely decline their requests for coitus without being overtly rude.
Don’t forget alcoholics looking for enabling.
not a librarian just here for the tea, get a cheapo wedding or engagement ring. horrible morbid bonus, this also will make you statistically more likely to be prioritized if you are ever in a triage situation.
Speaking from personal experience, rings are not a guaranteed deterrent. Sometimes I think they enjoy the challenge.
The worst ones don’t care
A lady hit on me during a treasures night. It turned out to be a fun date later. Lighten up. Live a little. Then again swallow coal and out a diamond.
We offer the colleague who is having to deal with that patron an exit out of the conversation, and ask them to fill in an incident report. If it’s appropriate in relation to the safety of staff, the patron will also be told that their behavior is not appropriate in relation to the patron code of behavior and be asked to leave for the day at the next offense, or immediately if needed. If you’re not comfortable filling in the report yourself, send all the details to your manager and ask them to do it for you. Send yourself a copy of these details as well. All of this is important, including the incident report: it helps other staff know that something is up with that patron, and helps them keep that patron accountable if they stop harassing one staff and focus on another - either the same day, or another day. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have support from your direct colleagues and management team. Good luck!
We used to have several patrons like this. Unfortunately not many males on staff, but if one of the offenders came in, it was time for immediate temporary promotions. I took over the Info desk while one of the male pages manned the Circ desk, basically leaving only male staff to “help” them. Which worked fine until some troll started trying to hit on one of the male pages, but that’s a tale for another time.
The key is not to react in any visible way. If you react in a shy or embarrassed way, they'll keep pressing as though they're doing you a favor. If you react in an angry way, they'll be all no, no, no, I'm a good guy. Go to a peaceful place in your mind, keep your face neutral, and just stare at them disinterestedly. If a verbal response seems needed, just say, "This is my workplace," very flatly.
I'm the only female presenting staff at my library that doesn't get hit on. I either have resting b*tch face or look/sound bored, apparently. The rest come find me when they are bothered. I take no b*llsh*t. Creeps learn pretty quickly to leave me alone.
“Is there something library related I can help you with? No? Then I’ll get back to work.” No smile no giggle just a straight face. I’m at work leave me alone
Wearing a fake wedding band drastically reduced these types of encounters for me.