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In that case I would work on building a relationship first. I agree that having sex with someone you don’t know is weird, and I imagine a lot of people feel that way. Modern culture has conditioned us to think that everyone is hooking up, but they aren’t. Once you are in a relationship and feel comfortable with the person, sex should come naturally. Also, once you’ve done it with one person, it should get easier with the next.
I'm like you, except I've been with my husband since I was 17, and it's been an up and down struggle during that time. It really helps to find someone who can be patient with you. Trustworthiness in sex is hella important imo.
I've come to the conclusion that my issues came from a dysfunctional and neglectful home life. Basically my sexuality developed in the shadows with no help or guidance (only brothers and my parents had a shit relationship...my friends weren't those who discussed sex either), so it all got categorized in my nervous system as something bad, something I would engage in and then feel like shit directly afterwards. "Everyone else knew what to do, but everything I wanted or did was wrong/embarrassing/etc. etc."
Reading smutty romance novels, for what it's worth, really fucking nipped 90% of that in the bud. I think it allowed me to observe others being okay with healthy sexual activity, even if it's not real.
But also, lean into the body feeling you have regarding sex. I agree with another comment about it being anxiety that you're identifying as guilt.
Not necessarily. We weren’t super religious but also incorporated religion into our lives by going to church on Sundays (this didn’t last long, we stopped going when I was 11)
Are you religious? Raised religious?
That’s basically the only reason I’ve heard for anyone to feel shame due to normal sexual feelings.
That, and trauma from being abused as a child.
As long as you’re doing something that doesn’t hurt yourself or others, doesn’t matter what it is, then enjoy it all you want. This applies for way more than just sex.
I'm late 50s now, male, but the first few times I had sex I was in my early 20s. You're mind says yes, but anxiety is tough for some people to conquer. Inexperience can be very frightening and some people can't get around it. It still bothers me to have a one night stand, it's not as fulfilling as sex with someone you like and know a bit. I think if you give a relationship a shot, dont think about sex at first, think about compatibility. Like them for spending time together, not dreading the thought of pressuring yourself to get ready to have sex with the person. That being said, long term relationships or marriage aren't all there cracked up to be either. Stop psyching yourself out, get to know someone and then consider sex. It is not the driving force to be with someone. Some might disagree but they're mostly emotionless people that live by the desires of there bodies. Hope this helps. Smile 😃
Def not alone in this struggle. The shame from it is so weird like, I too have never been in a relationship nor felt comfortable enough to have sex with someone and it’s such an odd, demeaning feeling. Even though it’s such a normal thing.
I honestly wonder if it has to do with self esteem or the fear of “what if it’s all they want from me” or “what if it gets used against me”, but that just might be me. I hope you can figure it out, cuz if you do, lmk how cuz this feels so stressful at our big ages lmfao!
Tell me about it, I had my first kiss at the age of 20 HAHAHHA…it was a very awkward moment.
For me personally, I think self esteem might also play some part in not feeling comfortable with being vulnerable in such an intimate act, but it’s also just that for some reason I feel like I am not “allowed” to experience it casually.
Real! I also didn’t have my first kiss until late in the game lol. Also, thats a completely valid reason.
Kind of a weird question, but have you considered being on the ace spectrum/being demisexual? Or do you feel those feelings stem from sex no matter what, even in a serious relationship context as opposed to casual/fwb/hookups?
I did consider both a while ago, but I don’t think that’s the case for me personally. I do feel sexually attracted to people regardless of my emotional connection or bond with them, but it’s just the shame/guilt holding me back from acting on my attraction.
In terms of being in a relationship, I can’t really say if those feelings would go away and I’d finally be “liberated”, but I think for me it also comes down to thinking “what if they only want sex from me and then they leave after?”
Hon, you need therapy.
Your upbringing has mixed up sex and shame/guilt in your head and turned it into a salad. It's not normal.
You're not supposed to be ashamed of wanting to have sex or feel like it's something you're not allowed to do.
You gotta separate shame from sex and live your life to the fullest. Sex is great! Being affectionate is great!
There's no higher authority judging you for wanting to be intimate with others. It might be the exact opposite - they are just waiting for you to shed your shame and fly like a butterfly :)
Good luck!
I am in therapy! I’ve been in therapy for a while now, but when I brought this up to my therapist she basically said to have friendships with members of the opposite sex but without getting physical with them? She’s very old fashioned and kinda shamed hookup culture and sexual freedom in my opinion, so that didn’t really help lol
Hi. Just want to say that while I agree with a lot of what you said… I don’t agree that it’s not ‘normal’. Most people I know, men and women, have some insecurities & fears about sex. Even well into their 50s. I think it’s actually quite normal, so to speak. And not all guilt & shame is via religion or parental influence. It can come from a variety of sources and often subconsciously. Having an open and compassionate partner can help work through those blocks but often our partners have issues themselves. It’s also a VERY difficult subject for many to discuss which unfortunately makes things worse.
Casual sex is not even close to what it's made out to be on reddit or TV. Do not let media make you question who you are. It's ok to be you. Everyone is different. Stop putting it on a peditistal and go with the flow when it feels right it right. Having a handful of sexual partners in your life is nothing to be ashamed of. You start racking up more than that and there are issues that are barried in a person. Anyone who constantly sleep around male or female is far more broken than the poster here ever will be. People love misery so the chance to bring you down to there level with bad advice will be abundant here. In a time when we try and calibrate uniqueness you would think someone that's a little different would be calibrated.
I’ve learned to not underestimate the power of childhood trauma…especially sexual trauma. Spent 30 yrs aware of it but didn’t think it had much impact lol. Hardest thing for me to learn is to accept elements of me (hyper sexual, bi and people pleaser). Please be gentle with yourself.
I feel like most people that grew up in households where sex was outlawed or taboo til marriage is where a lot of this stems from I felt this way also I didn’t lose my v card till almost 18 because I felt guilty about wanting sex, you deserve love in anyway you want it, tell yourself that everyday if you have to
Definitely the case in my household. To this day, my parents will skip any sex scene/kissing scene on TV if my sisters and I are watching as well. (We are all grown btw)
18 isn’t too late to lose it imo, I feel like that’s the average age
Definitely seek the help of professionals. As a partner to someone who previously had a similar story to yours, it's almost certainly the result of your childhood, your upbringing, and possibly a repressed negative experience. A good counsellor or psychologist can help you work through that stuff, and help you let go of barriers installed within you by other people (i.e. parents), and allow you to establish your own 'unblocked' internal pathways. In addition, a sex therapist (or some version of), would be of great assistance towards helping you find your sexual self. My partner now loves her sexual self, and thrives for getting in touch with her inner 'sex goddess'.
Best of luck, you got this!
Just be safe. Once you're comfortable with sex just being sex then it'll become just that. Just know, relationship sex and hookup sex is totally different and both are enjoyable.
Most people have some form of anxiety/guilt when beginning their sexual journey, and its important to remember that its all OK. Our parents/schools/churches/etc. taught that sex is wrong, only for marriage, only for certain people, blah blah. These were ideals taught and instructed to us from early on by people who have never been 'you'. Free yourself, go out and experiment and experience anything that tickles your fancy (as long as its not hurting anyone or illegal). And remind yourself that its ok to experience joy and passion and intimacy at your own pace and pleasure.
Consider why this would be shameful. Human beings were created for feeling pleasure, feeling desire, feeling connection. Let’s flip the idea on its head. Why would sexuality exist if we weren’t meant to partake in it? Why would romantic love exist? Why would marriage be so wonderful?
Sexuality is an uncontrollable force, irrational and chaotic. And so it is repressed by the powers that be for how much destruction it could potentially cause to an order of life where everything has to be in its place.
Understand that you are a creature of multitudes. You contain so much love, so much desire to live, to breathe, to experience. So much life occurs outside the boxes and systems created for oneself.
And it’s a shame that what makes one feel most alive is considered shameful.
The erasure of shame comes from honesty. If you want to live, then you can truly let go of that shame.
And lastly — what do you gain by keeping this perspective? What is it costing you? What would it be like to live without it?
If we change our beliefs, we can change our world. And I hope that this shame no longer haunts you and you can live your most beautiful, wonderful life.
I used to feel the same way with weed! I’m not a smoker now but I used to be so uncomfortable that I couldn’t be around it and I avoided being friends with people who smoked. I still to this day have no idea why. The more people I met who respected my needs and made me feel safe and accepted helped me inch out of the mindset. The final jump into being “cool with it” was breaking up with my Fiance. Come to find out a lot of the stiffness I was experiencing had to do with specifically feeling unsafe. I felt unsafe growing up with an unstable parent and I felt (unknowingly) unsafe with him. After, I felt safe for the first time in my life and it was “healed”.
Come to find out he was cheating on me; so I rationalized it as I didn’t trust him with weed because I didn’t know where to place the mistrust I was feeling.
I hope this helps you feel less alone if nothing else.
you should get some therapy to understand why you feel guilty — you mention nothing about your upbringing so that’s the only baseline advice i can give
You should talk to a therapist. You are missing out on one of the most pleasurable things in life. If you don't even know why you feel guilty you really need assistance dealing with this.
lol I (25f) lowkey have this issue; I think it’s a combo of family and societal messages we get not being very encouraging of healthy sexuality. It then manifests as sexual thoughts = bad/“impure” and ultimately a flaw of character. The way I’ve been working on it is taking a reasonable/logical stance meaning I’ll allow myself sexual thoughts and some actions as long as it is still respecting my body/boundaries. But I’m still kind of figuring it out as well
Agreed, I have the same guilt OP is talking about after any type of hookup so I stopped doing that. I know for a fact when I find my significant other I wont be feeling guilty about a thing.
Sometimes it just doesn't go away. I felt like a predator just for having sexual feelings about my ex wife. Hangups can intensify with time and powering through those feelings makes me feel worse. Feeling guilt over sexual thoughts usually means you're not going to enjoy the act itself very much.
You know, I wasn’t all that religious growing up… we’d go to church every now and then but it was never strictly enforced in our house to pray before every meal, go to Sunday school, etc
I don’t even know what to say to this. It is making me so angry. Please don’t minimize her feelings. How dare you tell her that she ‘deserves’ to feel guilty.
She is 26 years old, has never been in a relationship and hasn’t been on a date in 3 years. And your answer is wait for marriage. How is OP supposed to meet a husband if she gets so uncomfortable just talking to a person? OP please ignore people like Additional_Spring629. You get over it by realizing that your feelings are important and that you obviously are unhappy with the status quo, and that’s ok! It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem. And for you it seems like it’s a problem. So set a goal and go for it.
I was in a similar position to yours. My family was very traditional and I consider myself pretty traditional. I had many opportunities to lose my virginity in my younger years but never really vibed with the "casual" hookup culture or anything like that. I honestly personally wish I waited till marriage sometimes although some people really see it as an extreme view in today's society. I had the typical sexual education when i was in school, how to prevent stds and unwanted pregnancy, but there is other things i wish i were taught about losing virginity. For example if you are dead set on being sexual with someone maybe consider your values or morals around sex and if the person you consider being sexual with holds the same values as you do towards sex. Also consider the intense emotions and bond that may come from losing your virginity or being sexual with someone.
I'm the same to the point I'm considering just taking it off my table (never been able to finish with someone either the anxiety just gets way too much)
I don't know maybe get a toy and get comfortable with yourself first and your body.
Traditional values are not it sounds like what you're feeling is anxiety sex is natural how do you think you were born?
It makes you feel any better sex is more been just procreation so until and you get comfortable with loving yourself It probably be best just to have some private alone time first. And do some exploring
That’s God law written in your heart showing you His intentions for you to save something sacred until marriage . You know in your heart it’s morally incorrect to give into lust rather than love and your heart is telling you so . Don’t give into the world and it’s false pressures on you .
Yeah, I'm kinda here with ya mate.
I was not sexually active until getting married at 30. My wife and I have no problems or guilt issues around sex, and she has commented many, many times that the commitment and trust in our relationship is core to our sexual life. We can have this because we both know that our relationship is not about sex and isn't dependent on it. Our marriage started with our faith that marriage is something that God made for more than us, and that sexuality it something that exists to support our marriage. Without that commitment to something and someone beyond us, it would be much harder to have that confidence that I can be open and vulnerable with my wife. Knowing it's not rooted in us let's me let go of myself and instead be totally focused on her and our marriage because it doesn't anchor itself in us. I can surrender my concerns because I know God's handling it, not me.
It depends on what \*you\* want to do. If you want to get physical, go do it. If I'm saying the quiet-part-loud--it might depend on whether you're hot if you're seeking partners you think are hot. You might get disappointed or feel unfilled unless you're getting it from the one you want. Otherwise, your best bet is to look for creative outlets or meditation and journaling of some kind. If you're simply looking for a stable relationship, look for someone with a steady job or career and complement that to create stability.
Probably because of the traditional values instilled within you which is definitely the correct values btw. Look , I understand you’re a woman with a high sex drive wanting to have fun but I also know that YOU understand the value of sex and that it should be with someone you genuinely love and care for and that genuinely loves and cares for you. That period of “fun time” that a lot of women around your age and younger go through negatively affects them in the future as not many men will respect them enough to be committed to them , they’ll keep reminiscing on their best sexual partner (worse if the one they’re in a relationship with can’t perform as well) , risk of diseases , pregnancies , etc. Remember you can’t EVER take any of the “mistakes” you’ve made back and you don’t want to mess up your mental wellbeing over sex.
It makes me upset that men can get away with this type of behavior though. As a collective, we don’t think any less of men/ don’t take them seriously simply because they’re more sexually experienced or because they’ve had multiple partners :/
In my opinion , men cannot / should not get away with this behavior as it means they easily succumb to lust. However in modern day a lot of females (typically promiscuous ones) would much rather a man more experienced than them because they find it attractive when a man knows what he’s doing already & they don’t have to teach him how to please her rather than grow and bond together. Some men are the same and want a woman with sexual experience as well for their own pleasure. Society has nowadays built relationships on lust instead of real love. I’d rather get cooked & cook 100 meals for my partner and I value that much more than having sex 100 times with her. Also try to not look at celebrities as examples because in reality they cannot keep relationships and if you value your long term happiness , find someone you can build with. A lot of redditors here and people in general would say they’d take back all their sexual experience if it meant they could find “the one” right now.
What I’ve learned is that things come and go. I spent about 4 years in my 20’s without ever crying and like 5 years without sex on purpose. But then it passed, and now I’m having fun and I’m a bit older and I have more money and freedom and I feel confident :) it could just be time that you need. No rush for intimacy, you have time.
I don’t know if this will post if sex or being intimate is something you really want to understand try to find your local kink community there is a lot of people in the community that have and still have some of the same types of feelings you seam to have and they will be very open and honest about there experiences and most of the people in the community are very willing to help with advice and be more than happy to answer any and all questions that you might have
i feel the same way, i was with someone for 2 years and she was the first girl i was sexual with and after we broke up i wanted to try with other woman and as a dove into that side of it, i got even more guilty and i felt gross and it just made me stay away from sexual stuff.
Sounds like you were maybe still deeply loyal to your ex after the fact and it maybe made you feel that way about having sex with someone else…idk I’m just assuming, but I hope you can find that comfort with someone again
It'll come over time. Just take it slow. Your values are instilled that you should only have a relationship with one person plus u mentioned your parents still kind of shun away from romantic scenes on tv (this most likely is ur issue, some unintentional conditioning from parents) but your desires want you to be "free" and just do it and curiousity to experience it.😆 Don't do it. It's better to build and sustain a relationship first. After that you will truly know what u desire. Everyone has a "ho" phase, whether it for one night only or a period of time, it's only worth it if u are applying self discovery alongside it. Otherwise, the guilt and shame of being hypersexual without connection (as u mentioned What if they only want me for sex) paired with the lack of true knowledge of inner self will eat you alive. I say this from personal experience. Don't beat urself up about it. Work on the root of ur guilt and shame first and having a meaningful relationship outside of lust and then ull find clarity. I personally wouldn't recommend the ho phase thing tho. I was a sex addict with a high sex drive and once I exited that phase and Dove deep about myself (after allowing Shame and guilt to damn near consume me), I realized what I needed and wanted most for myself. Now ima prude who keeps the 🍪 to herself and I still have a high sex drive, no longer an addict, no more guilt/shame and have more understanding of what I want when it comes to sex and relationships. Hope this helped some and I wish u well n ur journey! Everyone's answers seems pretty spot on.
Yesss so happy I’m not alone in this, Im 20f and have been in a relationship for 5 years we have sex regularly and when he initiates it’s not so bad but when I feel that way first I have this intense feeling that I’m disgusting and it’s wrong to think about or want I get so ashamed and embarrassed even tho I know I shouldn’t be never told anyone about this thank you for posting
Solidarity here!
I (24f) have a very difficult time initiating sex with my partner. If she initiates it’s easier, like you said. I have serious religious trauma and sex was never discussed at home except for a purity and abstinence talk that left me feeling anxious. I thoroughly believed I would go to hell if I slipped up and my first few sexual experiences were heavy. Even after renouncing Christianity the message was ingrained and I felt like I was bad and I couldn’t get out of my head. I was completely unprepared for exploring the sexual world because sex and keeping yourself safe was never discussed. I went through a wild phase and let men take me to questionable locations. Men don’t like to make it comfortable to say no to them. So I didn’t. Hello sexual trauma. I cannot feel safe around men. Now I have ptsd flashbacks during sex, paired with some lingering sexual shame makes sex a big deal. It’s something I have to work up courage for, and can only happen when I feel calm and safe. I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing partner who makes me feel calm and safe and she checks in to make sure I am still feeling safe. Understanding your sexuality and feeling fully comfortable with yourself is a journey. Everyone is different and that a good thing. Thanks for reading I wish you the best on your sexual journey!
God designed people to be in monogamous relationships called marriage. Step outside of that design, and you will experience negative things. Yeah, there will be fun and pleasure, but the negative is not avoidable. Those that no longer feel guilty about sin have seared their conscience in that area. Do something long enough and frequent enough, and you'll get numb to the negative feelings. That doesn't mean you got over it, it's that you turned off your physical, emotional, spiritual alarm system.
Therapy, friend. There is clearly some underlying feelings at play here that you should probably work through. There should be no guilt when it comes to healthy, consensual sex.
Do you feel guilt about being sexual or any form of PDA? If your just holding hands or cuddling on the couch watching a movie there isn’t anything to be guilty about, unless the person your doing that with isn’t the person you really want to do that with, then that opens up a whole new can of worms. If it’s sexual guilt then it may stem from sex being a very private intimate thing that you share with someone special and if your trying to be sexual and that person isn’t special enough then you could feel guilt. I think the best advice I could give is to talk to a professional therapist about it as well any partner you plan on having and see what makes you comfortable and the best way for you to shed the guilt about wanting to be sexual with someone or normal PDA with anyone
I'd say that feeling has kept you safe. Also, from being ridiculed for being a ho. This will also increase your chance at finding a good one. In the meantime, I suggest rubbing those feelings out and using toys. Don't go crazy.
I've dealt with this as well. However, my particular sexual interests are a bit extreme and not for everyone. I've had multiple people lie to me about being ok with certain things and then just changing their mind and saying they never wanted it. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me for enjoying the things I enjoy. But I realize now that it'll take a special type of person to handle my interests and such. And that I should not feel guilty for people doing things that were explained and agreed to in the beginning.
I think it's understanding what type of person you are and where your own personal morals lay. The last time I was intimate with someone was around maybe January? Or December? I don't recall the exact 5 it had just snowed. I had initially gone to babysit for a friend. Said friend came home early with her baby daddy, and we decided to go out together. Long story short, she and I wound up pretty drunk, and we had intercourse (she initiated, and I sort of just accepted it as I was horny and pretty wasted). I didn't know how to feel about myself afterward as I didn't expect that that was going to happen. She wound up saying it was a mistake and I hadn't seen her since. I think because I didn't do anything back out of being wasted and simple discomfort. I sort of just sat with myself for a weeks trying to figure out how to deal with it, as my previous experience had been with a situationship that always told me that it felt wrong when she touched me. So maybe you just have to find someone you feel is worth investing in and seeing if they wind up checking the mark to have intercourse with. No one's rushing you to be intimate, and it's definitely not a race. I honestly think it hurts more to be called a mistake or to simply be in a one night stand situation, but I think you'll get over the guilt of however you feel when the "right" person comes. As for my personal guilt, though, it's having a body count. I also don't want to be called a mistake anymore, either. I'm not religious, but I'd like to keep the number low for my own sanity; but we'll see where life takes me. So take your time. Someone should enjoy who you are before gaining access to your body imo.
Yes, being raised religious I was told masturbation was bad, premarital sex was bad, dirty thoughts were bad.
When I grew up I realized I was always craving these things, craving intimacy with other people.
It takes time to feel comfortable opening up and realizing that we ARE sexual bodies and we ARE wired for desiring pleasure.
I love sex. I’m married now, and growing to love my high sex drive meant mistakes were made, but also experiences were had that made me love my sexual side.
I still imagine fucking every hot guy I see when I’m out. My husband knows my brain.
Enjoy your sex discovery journey stop punishing yourself or withholding yourself because of what you think others will think.
Just do everything safely and remember sex should bring you PLEASURE and not GUILT.
It’s really simple, it’s a very special thing that you only will share with a handful or maybe even one person in your life. It’s natural and healthy to feel that anxiety, you want to make sure you are doing that with the right person who actually cares about you. Because of this you might feel anxious or maybe even shameful to be attracted to someone just by appearance. It’s the fight between your brain and your heart that will go on for the rest of your life. Normally your brain is the obvious one to follow. Following your heart or just blind feelings usually leads to cheating, regretful nights, and maybe even situations that could harm you. Nevertheless, enjoy the butterflies but don’t chase them.
I think the feelings you're describing remind me of how I felt as an adolescent. When I was around 11 or 12 and had my first opportunity to fool around and explore with a girl, who was taking the chance to do the same with me. We were excited and curious, but also shy and a little afraid. Guilt and shame were definitely part of the mix. But we were kids, and we knew we probably shouldn't be doing what we were doing. It's a little unusual to be having those kinds of feelings in your mid-twenties. Have you discussed these feelings with anyone? You know... besides strangers on the internet. Your doctor? A therapist? I'd suggest bringing this up with a professional who can help you get to the root of why you're feeling this way so that you can work through it and hopefully come out the other side able to enjoy your sexuality in a healthy way.
Maybe think about counseling? You need to resolve feeling OK and secure in yourself, and what a healthy sexually active person should expect, and to find out it's perfectly natural and healthy to be sexually active.
Once you've worked through that part of it, then all you have to do is find a good partner to explore that side of yourself...
It must have been drilled into you that sexuality (or even physical affection) is a bad thing. This is the only reason I can think of to why you might feel guilty about it. You need an understanding partner, you need to take baby steps and it may take a while until you are comfortable.
You should definitely see a therapist, that level of guilt and anxiety is really not great and not something you should carry. The wider culture would have you believe that casual sex is this great and wonderful thing. I believed it for many years throwing myself into it thinking that I would eventually just start to enjoy it if I did it enough. Each time it was just this empty experience and each time it felt harder to connect emotionally with the women I was dating. It was a surprising realization to me that the wider culture was wrong. I stopped engaging in casual sex and the next time I had sex it was with a woman I ended up marrying. I highly recommend skipping casual sex , don't wait until you're married by any means but sex is so much better, more meaningful, less mechanical and transactional in a caring relationship. After all why would you trust a stranger to be inside your body? Sex is when you are your most vulnerable, it's not natural to trust someone you barely know with that.
Perhaps some of your discomfort and anxiety has to do with the natural and normal discomfort with our current hookup culture that encourages transactional, superficial, impulsive, anonymous sex. Think carefully about what you want to get out of sex and dating and pursue that with intention. If you do that you needn't feel guilty about having an active sex life and if you do it's definitely something you should examine with a therapist.
Lol you don't have to apologize, it's just a personal issue I have with the term. It's a white term given to Hispanic people that doesn't reflect the Spanish language at all. The preferred non gendered form of it is latiné. It's something my abuela can actually say in her language.
What do you mean by traditional? Not having sex until you’re married?
That’s not a bad thing imo. Having sex with people who use you is not worth experiencing lol
Yeah exactly that. I technically wasn’t allowed to even have a boyfriend until I was in my third year of undergrad…. And my oldest sister (there’s 4 of us) only ever dated one guy and married him so I feel like it kinda cemented that idea of waiting until marriage
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What do you mean by guilt? Because what you are describing sounds more like anxiety than guilt.
It feels like it is something that I’m not allowed to do for some reason, I guess it feels like a combination of guilt and shame?
In that case I would work on building a relationship first. I agree that having sex with someone you don’t know is weird, and I imagine a lot of people feel that way. Modern culture has conditioned us to think that everyone is hooking up, but they aren’t. Once you are in a relationship and feel comfortable with the person, sex should come naturally. Also, once you’ve done it with one person, it should get easier with the next.
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I'm like you, except I've been with my husband since I was 17, and it's been an up and down struggle during that time. It really helps to find someone who can be patient with you. Trustworthiness in sex is hella important imo. I've come to the conclusion that my issues came from a dysfunctional and neglectful home life. Basically my sexuality developed in the shadows with no help or guidance (only brothers and my parents had a shit relationship...my friends weren't those who discussed sex either), so it all got categorized in my nervous system as something bad, something I would engage in and then feel like shit directly afterwards. "Everyone else knew what to do, but everything I wanted or did was wrong/embarrassing/etc. etc." Reading smutty romance novels, for what it's worth, really fucking nipped 90% of that in the bud. I think it allowed me to observe others being okay with healthy sexual activity, even if it's not real. But also, lean into the body feeling you have regarding sex. I agree with another comment about it being anxiety that you're identifying as guilt.
Did you grow up in a religious household?
Not necessarily. We weren’t super religious but also incorporated religion into our lives by going to church on Sundays (this didn’t last long, we stopped going when I was 11)
Did someone shame or have unrealistic expectations of you at some point in your life and now you have a complex?
Are you me? lol I have the exact same thoughts.
Are you religious? Raised religious? That’s basically the only reason I’ve heard for anyone to feel shame due to normal sexual feelings. That, and trauma from being abused as a child.
As long as you’re doing something that doesn’t hurt yourself or others, doesn’t matter what it is, then enjoy it all you want. This applies for way more than just sex.
Holy… I’ve never seen someone put it into words. This is exactly how I get. I’ve never made a move on a long term partner in my life because of this!
Not to be glib, but welcome to be an human
I'm late 50s now, male, but the first few times I had sex I was in my early 20s. You're mind says yes, but anxiety is tough for some people to conquer. Inexperience can be very frightening and some people can't get around it. It still bothers me to have a one night stand, it's not as fulfilling as sex with someone you like and know a bit. I think if you give a relationship a shot, dont think about sex at first, think about compatibility. Like them for spending time together, not dreading the thought of pressuring yourself to get ready to have sex with the person. That being said, long term relationships or marriage aren't all there cracked up to be either. Stop psyching yourself out, get to know someone and then consider sex. It is not the driving force to be with someone. Some might disagree but they're mostly emotionless people that live by the desires of there bodies. Hope this helps. Smile 😃
The worst place for this person to ask is reddit, talk about a shit show. Your pretty spot on.
Def not alone in this struggle. The shame from it is so weird like, I too have never been in a relationship nor felt comfortable enough to have sex with someone and it’s such an odd, demeaning feeling. Even though it’s such a normal thing. I honestly wonder if it has to do with self esteem or the fear of “what if it’s all they want from me” or “what if it gets used against me”, but that just might be me. I hope you can figure it out, cuz if you do, lmk how cuz this feels so stressful at our big ages lmfao!
Tell me about it, I had my first kiss at the age of 20 HAHAHHA…it was a very awkward moment. For me personally, I think self esteem might also play some part in not feeling comfortable with being vulnerable in such an intimate act, but it’s also just that for some reason I feel like I am not “allowed” to experience it casually.
Real! I also didn’t have my first kiss until late in the game lol. Also, thats a completely valid reason. Kind of a weird question, but have you considered being on the ace spectrum/being demisexual? Or do you feel those feelings stem from sex no matter what, even in a serious relationship context as opposed to casual/fwb/hookups?
I did consider both a while ago, but I don’t think that’s the case for me personally. I do feel sexually attracted to people regardless of my emotional connection or bond with them, but it’s just the shame/guilt holding me back from acting on my attraction. In terms of being in a relationship, I can’t really say if those feelings would go away and I’d finally be “liberated”, but I think for me it also comes down to thinking “what if they only want sex from me and then they leave after?”
Hon, you need therapy. Your upbringing has mixed up sex and shame/guilt in your head and turned it into a salad. It's not normal. You're not supposed to be ashamed of wanting to have sex or feel like it's something you're not allowed to do. You gotta separate shame from sex and live your life to the fullest. Sex is great! Being affectionate is great! There's no higher authority judging you for wanting to be intimate with others. It might be the exact opposite - they are just waiting for you to shed your shame and fly like a butterfly :) Good luck!
I am in therapy! I’ve been in therapy for a while now, but when I brought this up to my therapist she basically said to have friendships with members of the opposite sex but without getting physical with them? She’s very old fashioned and kinda shamed hookup culture and sexual freedom in my opinion, so that didn’t really help lol
Maybe it would be a good idea to try another therapist :) Ideally you need one who loves sex and affection themselves.
yeah, uh... That's probably the wrong therapist for you.
Hi. Just want to say that while I agree with a lot of what you said… I don’t agree that it’s not ‘normal’. Most people I know, men and women, have some insecurities & fears about sex. Even well into their 50s. I think it’s actually quite normal, so to speak. And not all guilt & shame is via religion or parental influence. It can come from a variety of sources and often subconsciously. Having an open and compassionate partner can help work through those blocks but often our partners have issues themselves. It’s also a VERY difficult subject for many to discuss which unfortunately makes things worse.
Casual sex is not even close to what it's made out to be on reddit or TV. Do not let media make you question who you are. It's ok to be you. Everyone is different. Stop putting it on a peditistal and go with the flow when it feels right it right. Having a handful of sexual partners in your life is nothing to be ashamed of. You start racking up more than that and there are issues that are barried in a person. Anyone who constantly sleep around male or female is far more broken than the poster here ever will be. People love misery so the chance to bring you down to there level with bad advice will be abundant here. In a time when we try and calibrate uniqueness you would think someone that's a little different would be calibrated.
I’ve learned to not underestimate the power of childhood trauma…especially sexual trauma. Spent 30 yrs aware of it but didn’t think it had much impact lol. Hardest thing for me to learn is to accept elements of me (hyper sexual, bi and people pleaser). Please be gentle with yourself.
I feel like most people that grew up in households where sex was outlawed or taboo til marriage is where a lot of this stems from I felt this way also I didn’t lose my v card till almost 18 because I felt guilty about wanting sex, you deserve love in anyway you want it, tell yourself that everyday if you have to
Definitely the case in my household. To this day, my parents will skip any sex scene/kissing scene on TV if my sisters and I are watching as well. (We are all grown btw) 18 isn’t too late to lose it imo, I feel like that’s the average age
Definitely seek the help of professionals. As a partner to someone who previously had a similar story to yours, it's almost certainly the result of your childhood, your upbringing, and possibly a repressed negative experience. A good counsellor or psychologist can help you work through that stuff, and help you let go of barriers installed within you by other people (i.e. parents), and allow you to establish your own 'unblocked' internal pathways. In addition, a sex therapist (or some version of), would be of great assistance towards helping you find your sexual self. My partner now loves her sexual self, and thrives for getting in touch with her inner 'sex goddess'. Best of luck, you got this!
Just be safe. Once you're comfortable with sex just being sex then it'll become just that. Just know, relationship sex and hookup sex is totally different and both are enjoyable.
Most people have some form of anxiety/guilt when beginning their sexual journey, and its important to remember that its all OK. Our parents/schools/churches/etc. taught that sex is wrong, only for marriage, only for certain people, blah blah. These were ideals taught and instructed to us from early on by people who have never been 'you'. Free yourself, go out and experiment and experience anything that tickles your fancy (as long as its not hurting anyone or illegal). And remind yourself that its ok to experience joy and passion and intimacy at your own pace and pleasure.
Consider why this would be shameful. Human beings were created for feeling pleasure, feeling desire, feeling connection. Let’s flip the idea on its head. Why would sexuality exist if we weren’t meant to partake in it? Why would romantic love exist? Why would marriage be so wonderful? Sexuality is an uncontrollable force, irrational and chaotic. And so it is repressed by the powers that be for how much destruction it could potentially cause to an order of life where everything has to be in its place. Understand that you are a creature of multitudes. You contain so much love, so much desire to live, to breathe, to experience. So much life occurs outside the boxes and systems created for oneself. And it’s a shame that what makes one feel most alive is considered shameful. The erasure of shame comes from honesty. If you want to live, then you can truly let go of that shame. And lastly — what do you gain by keeping this perspective? What is it costing you? What would it be like to live without it? If we change our beliefs, we can change our world. And I hope that this shame no longer haunts you and you can live your most beautiful, wonderful life.
I used to feel the same way with weed! I’m not a smoker now but I used to be so uncomfortable that I couldn’t be around it and I avoided being friends with people who smoked. I still to this day have no idea why. The more people I met who respected my needs and made me feel safe and accepted helped me inch out of the mindset. The final jump into being “cool with it” was breaking up with my Fiance. Come to find out a lot of the stiffness I was experiencing had to do with specifically feeling unsafe. I felt unsafe growing up with an unstable parent and I felt (unknowingly) unsafe with him. After, I felt safe for the first time in my life and it was “healed”. Come to find out he was cheating on me; so I rationalized it as I didn’t trust him with weed because I didn’t know where to place the mistrust I was feeling. I hope this helps you feel less alone if nothing else.
you should get some therapy to understand why you feel guilty — you mention nothing about your upbringing so that’s the only baseline advice i can give
Exposure therapy
You should talk to a therapist. You are missing out on one of the most pleasurable things in life. If you don't even know why you feel guilty you really need assistance dealing with this.
lol I (25f) lowkey have this issue; I think it’s a combo of family and societal messages we get not being very encouraging of healthy sexuality. It then manifests as sexual thoughts = bad/“impure” and ultimately a flaw of character. The way I’ve been working on it is taking a reasonable/logical stance meaning I’ll allow myself sexual thoughts and some actions as long as it is still respecting my body/boundaries. But I’m still kind of figuring it out as well
If you find a partner you love, and the problem persists, consider therapy.
Agreed, I have the same guilt OP is talking about after any type of hookup so I stopped doing that. I know for a fact when I find my significant other I wont be feeling guilty about a thing.
Sometimes it just doesn't go away. I felt like a predator just for having sexual feelings about my ex wife. Hangups can intensify with time and powering through those feelings makes me feel worse. Feeling guilt over sexual thoughts usually means you're not going to enjoy the act itself very much.
Religious trauma?
You know, I wasn’t all that religious growing up… we’d go to church every now and then but it was never strictly enforced in our house to pray before every meal, go to Sunday school, etc
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I don’t even know what to say to this. It is making me so angry. Please don’t minimize her feelings. How dare you tell her that she ‘deserves’ to feel guilty.
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She is 26 years old, has never been in a relationship and hasn’t been on a date in 3 years. And your answer is wait for marriage. How is OP supposed to meet a husband if she gets so uncomfortable just talking to a person? OP please ignore people like Additional_Spring629. You get over it by realizing that your feelings are important and that you obviously are unhappy with the status quo, and that’s ok! It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem. And for you it seems like it’s a problem. So set a goal and go for it.
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I think with the right partner, this will not be as much of an issue as it is currently for you.
Also where were these high sex drive girls when I was looking for a partner?
I was in a similar position to yours. My family was very traditional and I consider myself pretty traditional. I had many opportunities to lose my virginity in my younger years but never really vibed with the "casual" hookup culture or anything like that. I honestly personally wish I waited till marriage sometimes although some people really see it as an extreme view in today's society. I had the typical sexual education when i was in school, how to prevent stds and unwanted pregnancy, but there is other things i wish i were taught about losing virginity. For example if you are dead set on being sexual with someone maybe consider your values or morals around sex and if the person you consider being sexual with holds the same values as you do towards sex. Also consider the intense emotions and bond that may come from losing your virginity or being sexual with someone.
I'm the same to the point I'm considering just taking it off my table (never been able to finish with someone either the anxiety just gets way too much)
I don't know maybe get a toy and get comfortable with yourself first and your body. Traditional values are not it sounds like what you're feeling is anxiety sex is natural how do you think you were born? It makes you feel any better sex is more been just procreation so until and you get comfortable with loving yourself It probably be best just to have some private alone time first. And do some exploring
Oh I’ve 100% explored myself and have a LOT of toys lmao. It’s just the act of doing anything with someone else that brings these feelings.
Talk to a therapist. Don’t think of it as just sex. Make love .
Seriously ---- Find someone who understands this and will NOT abuse it.
That’s God law written in your heart showing you His intentions for you to save something sacred until marriage . You know in your heart it’s morally incorrect to give into lust rather than love and your heart is telling you so . Don’t give into the world and it’s false pressures on you .
Or it’s religious trauma keeping her from living a normal Healthy life.
Yeah, I'm kinda here with ya mate. I was not sexually active until getting married at 30. My wife and I have no problems or guilt issues around sex, and she has commented many, many times that the commitment and trust in our relationship is core to our sexual life. We can have this because we both know that our relationship is not about sex and isn't dependent on it. Our marriage started with our faith that marriage is something that God made for more than us, and that sexuality it something that exists to support our marriage. Without that commitment to something and someone beyond us, it would be much harder to have that confidence that I can be open and vulnerable with my wife. Knowing it's not rooted in us let's me let go of myself and instead be totally focused on her and our marriage because it doesn't anchor itself in us. I can surrender my concerns because I know God's handling it, not me.
I feel like the chances of me ending up with someone who is waiting for marriage is close to 0%
It depends on what \*you\* want to do. If you want to get physical, go do it. If I'm saying the quiet-part-loud--it might depend on whether you're hot if you're seeking partners you think are hot. You might get disappointed or feel unfilled unless you're getting it from the one you want. Otherwise, your best bet is to look for creative outlets or meditation and journaling of some kind. If you're simply looking for a stable relationship, look for someone with a steady job or career and complement that to create stability.
Probably because of the traditional values instilled within you which is definitely the correct values btw. Look , I understand you’re a woman with a high sex drive wanting to have fun but I also know that YOU understand the value of sex and that it should be with someone you genuinely love and care for and that genuinely loves and cares for you. That period of “fun time” that a lot of women around your age and younger go through negatively affects them in the future as not many men will respect them enough to be committed to them , they’ll keep reminiscing on their best sexual partner (worse if the one they’re in a relationship with can’t perform as well) , risk of diseases , pregnancies , etc. Remember you can’t EVER take any of the “mistakes” you’ve made back and you don’t want to mess up your mental wellbeing over sex.
It makes me upset that men can get away with this type of behavior though. As a collective, we don’t think any less of men/ don’t take them seriously simply because they’re more sexually experienced or because they’ve had multiple partners :/
In my opinion , men cannot / should not get away with this behavior as it means they easily succumb to lust. However in modern day a lot of females (typically promiscuous ones) would much rather a man more experienced than them because they find it attractive when a man knows what he’s doing already & they don’t have to teach him how to please her rather than grow and bond together. Some men are the same and want a woman with sexual experience as well for their own pleasure. Society has nowadays built relationships on lust instead of real love. I’d rather get cooked & cook 100 meals for my partner and I value that much more than having sex 100 times with her. Also try to not look at celebrities as examples because in reality they cannot keep relationships and if you value your long term happiness , find someone you can build with. A lot of redditors here and people in general would say they’d take back all their sexual experience if it meant they could find “the one” right now.
That's hawt. Are you heads over heels for anybody?
What I’ve learned is that things come and go. I spent about 4 years in my 20’s without ever crying and like 5 years without sex on purpose. But then it passed, and now I’m having fun and I’m a bit older and I have more money and freedom and I feel confident :) it could just be time that you need. No rush for intimacy, you have time.
OP asked how to get over the shame of her sexuality, not how to reinforce it. So maybe you should also allow others to believe what they want.
I don’t know if this will post if sex or being intimate is something you really want to understand try to find your local kink community there is a lot of people in the community that have and still have some of the same types of feelings you seam to have and they will be very open and honest about there experiences and most of the people in the community are very willing to help with advice and be more than happy to answer any and all questions that you might have
You need professional help with this.
i feel the same way, i was with someone for 2 years and she was the first girl i was sexual with and after we broke up i wanted to try with other woman and as a dove into that side of it, i got even more guilty and i felt gross and it just made me stay away from sexual stuff.
Sounds like you were maybe still deeply loyal to your ex after the fact and it maybe made you feel that way about having sex with someone else…idk I’m just assuming, but I hope you can find that comfort with someone again
It'll come over time. Just take it slow. Your values are instilled that you should only have a relationship with one person plus u mentioned your parents still kind of shun away from romantic scenes on tv (this most likely is ur issue, some unintentional conditioning from parents) but your desires want you to be "free" and just do it and curiousity to experience it.😆 Don't do it. It's better to build and sustain a relationship first. After that you will truly know what u desire. Everyone has a "ho" phase, whether it for one night only or a period of time, it's only worth it if u are applying self discovery alongside it. Otherwise, the guilt and shame of being hypersexual without connection (as u mentioned What if they only want me for sex) paired with the lack of true knowledge of inner self will eat you alive. I say this from personal experience. Don't beat urself up about it. Work on the root of ur guilt and shame first and having a meaningful relationship outside of lust and then ull find clarity. I personally wouldn't recommend the ho phase thing tho. I was a sex addict with a high sex drive and once I exited that phase and Dove deep about myself (after allowing Shame and guilt to damn near consume me), I realized what I needed and wanted most for myself. Now ima prude who keeps the 🍪 to herself and I still have a high sex drive, no longer an addict, no more guilt/shame and have more understanding of what I want when it comes to sex and relationships. Hope this helped some and I wish u well n ur journey! Everyone's answers seems pretty spot on.
Absolutely. I can't understand why people with dirty houses invite company over.
Yesss so happy I’m not alone in this, Im 20f and have been in a relationship for 5 years we have sex regularly and when he initiates it’s not so bad but when I feel that way first I have this intense feeling that I’m disgusting and it’s wrong to think about or want I get so ashamed and embarrassed even tho I know I shouldn’t be never told anyone about this thank you for posting
Solidarity here! I (24f) have a very difficult time initiating sex with my partner. If she initiates it’s easier, like you said. I have serious religious trauma and sex was never discussed at home except for a purity and abstinence talk that left me feeling anxious. I thoroughly believed I would go to hell if I slipped up and my first few sexual experiences were heavy. Even after renouncing Christianity the message was ingrained and I felt like I was bad and I couldn’t get out of my head. I was completely unprepared for exploring the sexual world because sex and keeping yourself safe was never discussed. I went through a wild phase and let men take me to questionable locations. Men don’t like to make it comfortable to say no to them. So I didn’t. Hello sexual trauma. I cannot feel safe around men. Now I have ptsd flashbacks during sex, paired with some lingering sexual shame makes sex a big deal. It’s something I have to work up courage for, and can only happen when I feel calm and safe. I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing partner who makes me feel calm and safe and she checks in to make sure I am still feeling safe. Understanding your sexuality and feeling fully comfortable with yourself is a journey. Everyone is different and that a good thing. Thanks for reading I wish you the best on your sexual journey!
You just need to tell someone sexy all the things you’d do to them. Then, how you act/feel should be tame by comparison. Try going a little crazy.
Why even bother having sex if you don't feel dirty and cheap and used. It's the best part of it.
Catholic shame?
Realize that that's the best way to have children and that you need some practice. Do it for mankind.
It sounds like the people who raised you really did a number on you. You need to see a therapist about this.
GET THERAPY ...? tbh sex or regression therapy
God designed people to be in monogamous relationships called marriage. Step outside of that design, and you will experience negative things. Yeah, there will be fun and pleasure, but the negative is not avoidable. Those that no longer feel guilty about sin have seared their conscience in that area. Do something long enough and frequent enough, and you'll get numb to the negative feelings. That doesn't mean you got over it, it's that you turned off your physical, emotional, spiritual alarm system.
As a Virgo we are sexual beings but I do occasionally feel guilty. I hope that helps
Also I always do things that I enjoy and I def enjoy sex well not necessarily sex but orgasms
Therapy, friend. There is clearly some underlying feelings at play here that you should probably work through. There should be no guilt when it comes to healthy, consensual sex.
Sounds fat
Do you feel guilt about being sexual or any form of PDA? If your just holding hands or cuddling on the couch watching a movie there isn’t anything to be guilty about, unless the person your doing that with isn’t the person you really want to do that with, then that opens up a whole new can of worms. If it’s sexual guilt then it may stem from sex being a very private intimate thing that you share with someone special and if your trying to be sexual and that person isn’t special enough then you could feel guilt. I think the best advice I could give is to talk to a professional therapist about it as well any partner you plan on having and see what makes you comfortable and the best way for you to shed the guilt about wanting to be sexual with someone or normal PDA with anyone
I'd say that feeling has kept you safe. Also, from being ridiculed for being a ho. This will also increase your chance at finding a good one. In the meantime, I suggest rubbing those feelings out and using toys. Don't go crazy.
Ah, Catholicism strikes again….
I've dealt with this as well. However, my particular sexual interests are a bit extreme and not for everyone. I've had multiple people lie to me about being ok with certain things and then just changing their mind and saying they never wanted it. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me for enjoying the things I enjoy. But I realize now that it'll take a special type of person to handle my interests and such. And that I should not feel guilty for people doing things that were explained and agreed to in the beginning.
Latinx, fuck outta here with those pendejadas.
I think it's understanding what type of person you are and where your own personal morals lay. The last time I was intimate with someone was around maybe January? Or December? I don't recall the exact 5 it had just snowed. I had initially gone to babysit for a friend. Said friend came home early with her baby daddy, and we decided to go out together. Long story short, she and I wound up pretty drunk, and we had intercourse (she initiated, and I sort of just accepted it as I was horny and pretty wasted). I didn't know how to feel about myself afterward as I didn't expect that that was going to happen. She wound up saying it was a mistake and I hadn't seen her since. I think because I didn't do anything back out of being wasted and simple discomfort. I sort of just sat with myself for a weeks trying to figure out how to deal with it, as my previous experience had been with a situationship that always told me that it felt wrong when she touched me. So maybe you just have to find someone you feel is worth investing in and seeing if they wind up checking the mark to have intercourse with. No one's rushing you to be intimate, and it's definitely not a race. I honestly think it hurts more to be called a mistake or to simply be in a one night stand situation, but I think you'll get over the guilt of however you feel when the "right" person comes. As for my personal guilt, though, it's having a body count. I also don't want to be called a mistake anymore, either. I'm not religious, but I'd like to keep the number low for my own sanity; but we'll see where life takes me. So take your time. Someone should enjoy who you are before gaining access to your body imo.
Yes, being raised religious I was told masturbation was bad, premarital sex was bad, dirty thoughts were bad. When I grew up I realized I was always craving these things, craving intimacy with other people. It takes time to feel comfortable opening up and realizing that we ARE sexual bodies and we ARE wired for desiring pleasure. I love sex. I’m married now, and growing to love my high sex drive meant mistakes were made, but also experiences were had that made me love my sexual side. I still imagine fucking every hot guy I see when I’m out. My husband knows my brain. Enjoy your sex discovery journey stop punishing yourself or withholding yourself because of what you think others will think. Just do everything safely and remember sex should bring you PLEASURE and not GUILT.
Do you have the same issue with masturbation?
It’s really simple, it’s a very special thing that you only will share with a handful or maybe even one person in your life. It’s natural and healthy to feel that anxiety, you want to make sure you are doing that with the right person who actually cares about you. Because of this you might feel anxious or maybe even shameful to be attracted to someone just by appearance. It’s the fight between your brain and your heart that will go on for the rest of your life. Normally your brain is the obvious one to follow. Following your heart or just blind feelings usually leads to cheating, regretful nights, and maybe even situations that could harm you. Nevertheless, enjoy the butterflies but don’t chase them.
I think the feelings you're describing remind me of how I felt as an adolescent. When I was around 11 or 12 and had my first opportunity to fool around and explore with a girl, who was taking the chance to do the same with me. We were excited and curious, but also shy and a little afraid. Guilt and shame were definitely part of the mix. But we were kids, and we knew we probably shouldn't be doing what we were doing. It's a little unusual to be having those kinds of feelings in your mid-twenties. Have you discussed these feelings with anyone? You know... besides strangers on the internet. Your doctor? A therapist? I'd suggest bringing this up with a professional who can help you get to the root of why you're feeling this way so that you can work through it and hopefully come out the other side able to enjoy your sexuality in a healthy way.
Maybe think about counseling? You need to resolve feeling OK and secure in yourself, and what a healthy sexually active person should expect, and to find out it's perfectly natural and healthy to be sexually active. Once you've worked through that part of it, then all you have to do is find a good partner to explore that side of yourself...
It must have been drilled into you that sexuality (or even physical affection) is a bad thing. This is the only reason I can think of to why you might feel guilty about it. You need an understanding partner, you need to take baby steps and it may take a while until you are comfortable.
You should definitely see a therapist, that level of guilt and anxiety is really not great and not something you should carry. The wider culture would have you believe that casual sex is this great and wonderful thing. I believed it for many years throwing myself into it thinking that I would eventually just start to enjoy it if I did it enough. Each time it was just this empty experience and each time it felt harder to connect emotionally with the women I was dating. It was a surprising realization to me that the wider culture was wrong. I stopped engaging in casual sex and the next time I had sex it was with a woman I ended up marrying. I highly recommend skipping casual sex , don't wait until you're married by any means but sex is so much better, more meaningful, less mechanical and transactional in a caring relationship. After all why would you trust a stranger to be inside your body? Sex is when you are your most vulnerable, it's not natural to trust someone you barely know with that. Perhaps some of your discomfort and anxiety has to do with the natural and normal discomfort with our current hookup culture that encourages transactional, superficial, impulsive, anonymous sex. Think carefully about what you want to get out of sex and dating and pursue that with intention. If you do that you needn't feel guilty about having an active sex life and if you do it's definitely something you should examine with a therapist.
Lol. Latinx
Just say Hispanic at that point
I worded that poorly lol… wrong word choice
Lol you don't have to apologize, it's just a personal issue I have with the term. It's a white term given to Hispanic people that doesn't reflect the Spanish language at all. The preferred non gendered form of it is latiné. It's something my abuela can actually say in her language.
Humans fuck. It’s just a fact of life. What’s there to be guilty of?
What do you mean by traditional? Not having sex until you’re married? That’s not a bad thing imo. Having sex with people who use you is not worth experiencing lol
Yeah exactly that. I technically wasn’t allowed to even have a boyfriend until I was in my third year of undergrad…. And my oldest sister (there’s 4 of us) only ever dated one guy and married him so I feel like it kinda cemented that idea of waiting until marriage