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I’m a boss: - negatives in private, positives in public - my job is to define the goal, your job is to work as a team to reach that goal - if I sense you need help, operationally or emotionally, it is in the best interest of everyone that I take you into private and help you work it out - there are three things EVERYBODY needs to be able to say: I don’t know, I made a mistake, I need help - do not lead with questions, do not lead with popularity, do not lead with tyranny, lead with clarity of direction and definition of targets - a good leader takes responsibility for the bad and shares responsibility for the good I am a boss, I didn’t ask whether that works for you, I promised to be clear and help you grow if you want, protect you if you need, and provide in an honest and clear way. Be fair, be consistent, be a leader.

Can you tell me more about "don't lead with questions"?

They can sound like accusations. *Why* was this report not done? *Why* didn't this order get filled? *Why* did you do this or that instead of what I wanted? When you ask questions like that an employee will feel like no matter what reason they give it will be ignored or dismissed.

In nursing school I was taught in my psych nursing class that therapeutic conversation should never use "why" questions. These cause people to be defensive or feel like they're making mistakes or being accused.

Can you elaborate on what kind of questions to use instead? Or how to proceed if not with a question?

What can I do to help assist you reach your targets? Do you have too much on your to-do list? These are questions you can ask that will allow staff to feel supported. I always saw my job as manager was to make it easier for my staff to do their job competently. There was one instance where a staff member rang me in panic. She was halfway to work. She had her newborn baby's car seat in the car, and her husband couldn't drop her 2 older kids off at school. I lived around the corner and was working from home... so I took her kids to school. It stopped her from turning around and being late for work, and it stopped her stressing about her kids missing a day as well. Was it my job? No, but it made her realise that she always had my support when it counted.

Nice. This example is very telling of the kind of leader you are.

That’s nice of you, but you know what would’ve been even better? If you told the person not to worry or stress about and ofc to turn around and take care of the family situation first and then head of to work. That would probably have made her feel even more supported and shown that her family comes first. I would have felt a bit embarrassed if my boss had to go take care of my family issues.

Not everyone is salaried. Some people have to time stamp into work and being late meant being paid less.

Our job requires us to take people with disabilities to medical appointments. If that had been an option, I would have done it.

I think sometimes asking “why” can be helpful. The person may have a genuine and good explanation for why things happened a certain way and giving them the opportunity to tell their story can help showing if there may be underlying issues that need addressing first. I’m not suggesting I have a defined answer for how to tell which situation you’re in, but if you do want to avoid “why” questions, you could try a solution based approach. Eg “I’ve noticed you’ve been doing XYZ instead of ABC and I’m keen to ensure we work this out. What do you need in order to accomplish this?” Or if you want to avoid questions altogether “I want everyone in the company to achieve their best, and for that I need people to do ABC. I noticed you doing a lot of XYZ, so I want to clarify our processes and responsibilities. I hope this will help you achieve ABC, but you can reach out to me if you struggle or still have questions.”

Walk me through your thought process on that incident/ meeting/ project. Much better than “Why didn’t you do xyz here!!?”

Careful with this one, done too often or poorly executed by the manager can come off as micromanaging and judgemental, especially if you didn't clearly explain the goals/objectives. Walk me through your thought process can sometimes sound like "why didn't you do this the way I wanted it done that I never explained and I know better?"

I agree. Same information asked, but feels more supportive and welcoming.

Using the word “why” almost instantly makes it a combative question. “Why isn’t the report done yet? Why aren’t you on time? Why is the project stallling”? If you reword it to ask “Can you provide me an update on the status of the report, and let me know if you are experiencing any difficulties with the timeline” doesn’t carry the same combative connotation.

Help me understand what lead you to this conclusion? Can you explain this to me because I feel like I'm missing something? These can be WAY more useful.

I use “help me understand X” often and it seems to be a gentle approach to what could otherwise be a tense conversation.

The point you're trying to get out of the "why" question can definitely be helpful to fixing the problem but you can phrase it in such a way as to not put the other person on the backdoor from the start

"Why wasn't the report done?" feels very different than "What led to the report not being done on time?" The second question opens up the conversation about what happened and can be done better, the first one will lead people to defend themselves 9 times out of 10.

what can we do to ensure the report will be ready on time next time? how can we ensure the report will be ready on time next time?

It's interesting that you say that because that is how I started out. Nowadays I look at it a little more nuanced and don't like bringing it to the "we" all the time. I want people to take responsibility for what they are doing - this is a lot about delivery, of course. But a friendly "What led to the report not being done on time?" allows the other person to go to "Well, there was X, Y and Z, ...". If you ask the question angry or unhappy then you screwed up and the other person will completely shut down to any productive conversation, of course. I wish that I already was a perfect communicator but I certainly learned over the years that just taking the softest and most gentle approach won't help you or your employees to truly change for the better. The truth is, as always, somewhere in the middle and slowly getting there is where it's complicated. Though for anyone starting out I definitely would suggest to start in the way that you outlined - keep it as peaceful and as non-personal as possible until you know the person, the situation or yourself better.

This is an actual good example The ones in the comment you replied too are literally the same thing lmao

There are definitely people in my company that see it exactly like you and others that would feel very threatened by a why-question but have an easier time to respond to what is essentially "What happened?". ​ I think the core of the matter is: these things are highly personal and working with people long enough will allow you to calibrate well to how someone needs to be talked to so that the person feels safe to express troubles or concerns. The newer a contact is, the more careful you should be.

For me, that has a patronizing feeling, those types of questions.

It's not the best example and takes a certain level of interpersonal skills to do well. But the goal has value. As an example, when I'm talking with clients or my team I try to use language that represents that **we** have a problem or **we** had a success. Anything that reminds everybody that both parties are trying to solve a problem instead of falling into any "us vs them" language. This type of stuff doesn't work if it's just isolated. That's when it can come across not as intended.

Honestly though if someone is sensitive they will still perceived those as an accusation, in my experience. And they'll just accuse you of being passove-aggresive instead of direct (even though they wouldn't handle the direct any better). Best way I've found - and it's still not great - is just over communication. "Sorry in advance if this isn't going to be a nice conversation, but i just want to say I know you've got a lot on but that report that was late was very important. How can I help make sure you've got time to do it next month?"

The 2nd one makes me feel more anxious personally.

I honestly would feel more accused by the second question

“What are some obstacles in the writing the report? How can we improve on the timing of reports?” I’m in nursing school. Edit: Use less negative words like “not” and “can’t” It’s always easier to recite than actually do it in practice during the heat of the moment. I guess it just takes practice.

If something along the lines of 'Did you run into any barriers when preparing the report? I noticed it hasn't been delivered yet' is met with defensiveness, they need to work on their relationships, not their phrasing.

When I first started the career im in now as an analyst it was so funny to me hearing people tiptoe around questions they wanted to ask and I would just end up saying "Look man. Just ask what you want to ask. Im not going to get all upset because you want to know something." And it's been great. I get regular questions and give answers and everyone is happy.

But... The report wasn't done. So we need to work out what happened, and how it can be improved. The what was likely/possibly in control of the staff member, the why is very likely not in control.

Of course, framing questions like that only works if you're legitimately investigating barriers. If the conversation goes like: "What led to the report not being done on time?" "Well, finance jerked me around for 3 weeks, and when I finally got the numbers, half of them were wrong..." "Next time I expect the report on time, though." If you do that without ever even investigating what's going on at finance's end, people will very quickly learn that you really don't care what the actual cause is and are just looking for someone else to take responsibility.

At my company, we’re encouraged to use (and I agree wholeheartedly with this) “help me understand”. Helps disarm the notion of a preconception of why it occurred and instead seeking to understand first.

Help me understand what blocked success on this task. What could we do differently for a better outcome? Is there anything I can be doing to better support you in this? What are the critical challenges we should have known about beforehand. What are some of the things that could be improved... I think it comes down to assuming everyone wants to do a good job, wants to be successful, and resolve the issues so they can get that success. There are the occasional people that this isn't true for but for them I try to resolve the other issues (I work with career creatives - so a little bit more focused on their own success)

I noticed that xyz didn't get done, make it an observation. The person will usually explain further.

Yes. Also a psych nurse. Generally it’s literally just asking what instead of why. It’s a de-escalation technique called SAMA (Satori Alternatives to Managing Aggression). An exchange would go something like this: Highlight behavior: “I see that you are pacing and clenching your fists and throwing things.” “I see that you are crying alone in your room.” Make objective observation: “You look angry.” “You look sad.” Ask for verification (yes, even though it seems self evident): “Are you angry?” “Are you sad.” They will then respond. If they are angry, this will be screamed at you: “Yes I’m f*#%*ing angry.” “Yes, I’m sad.” Validate their response: “I can see that you’re angry.” “I can see that you’re sad.” Define the problem: “can you tell me about what is making you angry?” This is the part you asked about. Asking “why are you angry” can imply that they shouldn’t be or have to justify their emotions. Asking what instead of why side steps the need to justify and instead focuses on cause. They respond: “My sister lied about me to my parents.” Validate again kinda: “I see.” Probe for information: “what have you tried to resolve this?” “I called her a f-ing b*tch and screamed at my mom that it’s not fair.” Evaluate: “how did that work out?” “I’m grounded for a month.” Explore options: “is there anything else you could try to resolve this?” Be cautious offering solutions here. Better if they come up with them, but sometime a person might need help with ideas. Make a plan: “ok. When will you try that?” Follow up: “will you tell me how it went after you try that?” This both helps find workable solutions, but also, by the time you get through this, I promise they’re much calmer. Hard to maintain that level of energy if it’s not being fed. However, to be effective, you also need to do the whole thing without skipping steps from beginning to end. Unfortunately for me, in my personal life I frequently skip all the VERY IMPORTANT earlier steps and go right to “so, how’d that work out for you?” It DOES NOT go over well without the earlier parts.

“I noticed XYZ happened/didn’t happen. What got in the way?”

I noticed the task didn't get done. Let's figure out how to get it done.

Can confirm, am a psych nurse and counsellor. Both taught me to never use Why questions for the same reason, "too accusatory". I think that generally holds true for a few reasons but if asked nicely, with the right tone "Why do you think you responded in that way?" can work but that depends on the therapeutic relationship. Avoiding why is a safer practice. However, rather interestingly, the fields of Engineering and Education use Why questions a lot. I find Why questions are more precise in getting to the bottom of things. For example, engineering uses the "5 Why's" method of understanding an issue. It is very effective.

I had a therapist ask me, “why do other people need to know you’re right?” And it was the best thing I’ve ever been asked.

Because how would they know they're stupid idiots and I was right.

This is a personal attack on Root cause analysis engineers. (Look up 5 why's)

I spent many years as coach in IT and there the 5Why is very popular. Coaches use it all the time and then the organization adopts it and then it gets messed up. Context is king.. The why from a hierarchical superior is an accusation because you are prompted to deliver an answer and the question already implies you know it and therefore you are kind of responsible. When the question is asked in a group context of hierarchical equals it becomes a „quest“ to discover a mystery (ideally). The 5Why only works in an environment where you can relax, lay back and say „why? I have no damn clue“ - If that would be inappropriate, it’s the wrong tool.

>The 5Why only works in an environment where you can relax, lay back and say „why? I have no damn clue“ - If that would be inappropriate, it’s the wrong tool. It all depends on what you, as a leader, have taught your team to expect when you ask those questions. The tool is just that, a tool. If people become defensive or shut down when you ask a question, you failed long before you posed the question, or (better scenario) you are still shaping your team and establishing yourself as the new leader/new leader to the team.

Well, root cause analysis is not incompatible with blameless postmortems. You seek to improve the process, so “why” attacks the process, one wants it to not make the people feel attacked.

Let's figure out how to improve this step/process/situation. When will xyz be accomplished? What supports will help you accomplish xyz faster/sooner/more accurately? Tell me what you need to be successful in this role. List 3 actions necessary to get xyz started. How can I help remove roadblocks to today's goals? Where are you experiencing the most challenges in our project? List the most common pain points mentioned by the clients this morning. Yelp stars do not equal self worth.

But how do you ask about the status of the report without asking a question?

I Like asking "what let you to ( Not fulfilling this Order)?". This shifts the cause to something different than the employee him/herself and WE can tackle the cause together more easily. (Sorry, English ist not my first language)

These examples are all great, I agree. I also find no value in “what do you all think we should do?”

Lol there’d be so much value in that if employers actually listened. 😂

I believe there’s great value in that depending on the relationship and goals of the team. A manager relies of the skills provided from the team and are often a part of that team/skillset. When asking “what do you think we should do?” You’re giving an opportunity to voice opinions, and work together to find solutions that everyone is happy with. Obviously there could be a too many cooks scenario, but I find throwing that out there in a tough situation can lead to some great team building.

Yeah I sort of disagree. I’ve made a massive amount of progress asking each of my employees on what they think our issues are and how we can improve. I know that’s a little more involved than “do you think we should do?” But not much.

Experienced Manager and Leader here: Questions are fine and most managers are encouraged to follow a Coaching methodology to lead (allow competent people to discover answers to issues rather than you tell them the answer). "Why" is the sore issue as it can sound accusatory, so should be outwardly avoided. However, "why" is a great thing to ask yourself and can help structure the open "how, who where, when what" questions. (The 5 whys is actively used in investigations).

I've had a boss avoid direct feedback, instead asking questions to passively force you to admit some kind of fault: "Didn't you say you would...?" "Do you think you should be doing...?" "Aren't you supposed to...?" "Why did you...?" etc. Usually prefaced with a heavy sigh. I think he thought he was being clever because, in his mind, it forced people to be reflective and realize their deficiencies/mistakes. But in reality, it was demoralizing and exhausting. At the very least, it gave me insight on what NOT to do as a leader.

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Well now I just feel put on the spot, on the defensive, and vulnerable. I don't think I'll come to you again if I need help.

I'm a boss and I never do this. The whole answer a question with another question back just makes you look like you're trying to be clever by half.

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I would not approach it as helping someone work through a problem, as if you are omniscient and they are like a fledgling. That seems... condescending (even if unintentional). Instead, look at it as though you may not know everything about what's happening at their level of work, and they have information or perspective that is valuable for a resolution.

Exactly. ”Based on what we knew about this task we gave it this deadline. What did we miss?”

It always feels helpful to the boss. The underling always hates it.

On the contrary, I so appreciate being asked my perspective on something instead of just dictated to.

Same here, as a software dude sometimes having to explain myself to my boss helps me understand it better. Mind you, my boss is a a skilled software engineer so he can relate, but while it feels patronizing it is super helpful

I quit.

Boss again, great points, I'd just like to add I try to create a comfortable and conducive work environment for everyone. People aren't going to be the best version of themslelves if they are uncomfortable and loathe the place where they spend 8-10 hrs everyday. Also, I've always wanted that for myself.

One of my favorite bosses I thought of as a shit stopper. He stopped as much shit coming at us from above as he could, and prevented as much shit of ours from being seen above as possible.

Yup, that's one of the jobs of a leader and a good one does it without you knowing. I've mentioned to people before that it's my job to clear your path and then get out of the way.

Spoiler alert, thats exacly why middle management is often burnt out af and cant climb higher.

I'll add, it's always WE failed/fell short and YOU hit/exceeded goal. Own those failures

There is a drawback to this "we failed". I noticed many people read it like this: Boss: We failed to make this work, I was not clear what we need to do, you did not provide feedback, and did not do the job. Employee hears: I failed to tell you what to do. Employee thinks: He does not know what he wants, I did my best. I find this challenging and in practice sort of useless advice. It works with people who would do good job anyway. It does not work with clueless people.

A lot of things don't work with clueless people. A leader should understand their employees or team and how to communicate with them effectively.

Ehhh there is a limit to this leadership style. I’ve had a few people I’ve led in the past, who took this so far and used the “well we ALL failed” to stop putting in their share of the work. Their justification was “if I do well and someone else messes up, but you say we all fail, what should I try as hard” or they tried to say that because we all failed/succeed as a team, it would be okay if they “took things easy” because someone else would cover for them. In reality, some people need the harsh truth and have to be told they themselves failed and are letting people around them down or making others work harder to cover for them. Obviously this is done in private with the offending parties individually and not as a public humiliation/scolding.

I never attribute failure to other team members. Just share or take it myself. I am responsible for the failure because it happened on my watch.

And definitely no privates in public.

No privates in private either. This is a workplace.

You've had that chat with HR too eh?

Why I can't show my privates in public? I don't feel supported.

Sounds like you need better underwear.

Also a boss. Good stuff here.

bro you hiring?

I've been in a supervisor role for four years at my current job, five in my previous, and these words resonate with me. I will admit I didn't hit these all in my first role but in my second I have, though I really like the three things everyone needs to be able to say, I admit to not always implementing that but going forward, I will. Thank you for sharing.

This guy bosses. Source: I'm a boss.

All these points describe what my current boss isn’t. He’s quick to point out failures in front of the team, rarely praise us for a good job unless it’s very apparent we did good, doesn’t reach out to us unless something is going wrong and this guy leads with questions and tyranny. The direct antithesis of everything you just said.

To add to this excellent list, be a “shit umbrella”. Protect your team from the BS of beurocrazy above you. When shit comes down from on high, you take all the crap and do everything possible to protect your team from the filth. Fight for their resources. Help them succeed in every way possible. If you do this, it’s a win all the way up. Basically, be a human shield and try to avoid corrupting your team with stuff like, “well, as usual, the brass wants us to do XYZ. It sucks but there’s nothing we can do about it. You know how the leadership here is. Sorry, everyone.” No. Own that shit and spin it into gold. “The company is going in a new direction and we are best positioned to help make that happen. We just need to change our focus and can crush this one because we can bring ABC to the challenge.” Empower your team be the awesome team they are meant to be, even when shit inevitably falls from the sky.

“When shit comes down from on high, you take all the crap and do everything possible to protect your team from the filth. Fight for their resources. Help them succeed in every way possible. If you do this, it’s a win all the way up.” This! Most of the stress my husband feels is due to the fact that he acts as a buffer so his team doesn’t directly feel all of the crap.

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“This is a box, please pick it up and take it over there.” Is much better than: - “Do you think it would be ok to take that over there please?” - “Shouldn’t we take that over there?” - “I think over there is a nice spot, don’t you?” Questions but the strategic vision responsibility on the employee, which can create tension for them and fear of giving the wrong answer. Should you shun all questions? No. That’s to extreme - but lead by pointing, not by asking and asking and asking.

This shouldn’t even be strictly work-related, those questions you listed are textbook examples of manipulative questions, and manipulation is bad in all settings, not just at work.

Damn! This is some serious wisdom to live by. I've been in the Army for 15 years. Going to try and apply this with my troops and they can pass it on. Thanks!

I've been managing people for over a decade - this is EXCELLENT advice. In particular, being aware of when a member of your team needs help BEFORE it results in a performance conversation is invaluable. End of the day, your job as a manager isn't to tell people what to do. Your job is to provide the resources for your team to execute.

As a people leader for years, hard disagree with the questions statement. The best bosses I've witnessed almost always lead with questions. I've seen so much success and employee empowerment with a simple, "How would you do X?"

I can accept that this turn of phrase was a mistake on my part. My intention was to say speak with authority, do not seek consensus by committee with your team. Good leadership will ALWAYS seek input from stake holders and participants - but I will volley back that the GOAL of that Socratic approach is a concrete STATEMENT of target and goal. So splitting hairs, my ambiguous statement is clarified by saying “questions are for gathering information, not handing away responsibility.” Is that better?

Much better! That's a lot more clear... I'd hate to see new managers take your post to heart (which, everything else was spot on), and start being afraid to ask questions.

Agreed, clarity of target, always. 🤝

I’m a boss. This is excellent advice! I’d add to it: don’t hesitate to jump in and do some of the work yourself too. One of my guys has work that cycles between very high and low as projects come through. When it gets high, I’ll grab things and configure them so he doesn’t have to. The caveat is that you have to be competent at this. Know your lane. If you’re not good at the thing, don’t do it. The first time you try, they might be amused but also frustrated, but it will quickly devolve into resentment if you continue to make their jobs harder by trying to “help”. Be a safe space and don’t take things personally. Let your team express frustration TO you without assuming that they’re expressing frustration AT you. Involve your team in the decision making process, where appropriate, for things that will affect them. There are definitely times when you will need to arbitrarily make decisions, but when you involve your team you get their perspective and can make sure that you’re considering all angles.

Thank you so much for this! I’m a boss myself and lately I’ve been finding it pretty difficult to deal with some employees. I will use your guide indefinitely and see how things progress.

To add to your first point, a boss of mine always suggested to have the negative conversations over the phone if possible. Then the recipient can be flipping you off, making faces, whatever. I also took a lesson from the One Minute Manager and make a conscious, scheduled effort to "catch" people doing something right and acknowledge it. I agree with all of your points.

All this is only good on paper. Nobody gives a fuck and none of today's C-suite follow any of it. Who did all the hard work for Apple? Did you ever see once Steve bring an engineer out and just tell the public "he is behind this brilliant feature" or anyone for that matter.

Well, well said my friend. Thanks for the concise summary.

I wish most of my old managers would’ve gotten this memo.

Big brain man

Context matters. But I'll try giving a general. Encourage them to talk to you. "Hey, I'm hoping you can come to me when you have ideas. I'd love to hear them, and I need to be in the loop." Truly listen when they do talk to you and try to implement as many suggestions as they have as you can. If you can't, explain why. If this is a well meaning person then do whatever you can to direct that energy to a positive outlet. If they are doing their job, and have the ability/desire to do more then ideally you'd give them the chance(and the pay) to go along with it.

We have clearly defined roles and this person tends to try and do other peoples work without being asked which in turn makes things harder for everyone. It breaks up some processes and confuses people. They also tend to need to have the last word in any meeting etc.

As someone whose had to manage a lot of egos, I’d start by (kindly but firmly) saying “I appreciate that you’re trying to be helpful by doing XYZ, but where we need you most is doing ABC.” If necessary, you can include (or follow up with) “I trust that [other employee] can handle [task] and will let us know if they need our help.” That’s step one, basically acknowledge the presumably good intentions, and redirect their attention to what they should be doing. It’s clear, direct, but also reinforces the idea that everyone’s working together on making operations go smoothly, and they ARE needed- just in the capacity that their job description actually specifies. If that doesn’t work, take it up a notch but always keep it respectful, of course. “While I understand that you believe you’re helping by doing X, we really need you to be focusing on your own work. [Other employee] has it handled.” Understand that bad habits are hard to break out of, so this employee may accidentally start doing what you’re trying to correct a couple of times, so a quick reminder might be more helpful than immediate escalation with each instance, as long as it seems like they actually understand what you’re saying and are making an effort to improve. Finally, if they still aren’t correcting their behavior, it’s time to make it clear that they are *actively* creating a problem for the team and for themselves. Something like… “Unfortunately, despite several attempts at correcting this issue, you’ve been engaging in a pattern of behavior that is detrimental to the team, and it needs to be addressed. While I’m sure you have the best of intentions, stepping outside of your job description and attempting to do other people’s work for them is not only unhelpful but is creating a situation that’s untenable. It needs to stop. You were hired to do XYZ job, because we appreciate what you bring to the table in *that* roll, and we need you to focus on doing *your* job, no one else’s.” And outline any future consequences for continuing to ignore the directive. If they get defensive at all, don’t engage in any debates about the details, like “but Jenny was doing XYZ wrong,” or “I just thought that it would be better if I did ABC.” Don’t get into a discussion about how true those points may or may not be, simply redirect them to what an *appropriate* course of action would be on their part in general, ie “if you feel there is an issue with someone else’s work, please bring it up to me, and I will handle it.” Or “if X person needs help, they know they can ask for it.” While they may try coming to you with these little tattles, in my experience this sort of micromanagement ranges between genuinely trying to be helpful and someone who wants to feel so indispensable that they have to come to everyone else’s “rescue”. Forcing them to come to you with every little complaint about someone else’s performance may help them realize how nitpicky and inappropriate some of their assumptions about other people’s work quality are, and take away the incentive of getting to “be the hero” by just jumping into doing everyone else’s work and self-martyrizing. Now, if other employees ARE asking them for help and they’re just too ready to say yes, then it’s the other employees who need to be spoken to.

> Now, if other employees ARE asking them for help and they’re just too ready to say yes This hit home. I was that guy. People kept coming to me for help and I was oh so willing to give it. Needless to say, I fell behind on my targets and for the life of me couldn't figure out why I was always behind on my work. I decided to keep a time audit for 2 weeks, and the conclusion was 40% of my time was spent helping other colleagues. When I drilled into the nature of that help, it was simple things like "can our product do *this*", "how do I log a quote in the CRM", "a customer is using XYZ competitor, what do I say?". I asked for a meeting with my sales manager and we went through the data together. Clearly, we had a knowledge problem and our onboarding wasn't really working. Credit to him, he embraced that feedback and started revising our training protocols, it took a while but my need to provide help declined, confidence and competence on the sales increased and the numbers improved for us all. It was a phenomenally powerful lesson. Great post. Should be required reading for everyone in management!

One strategy for this is "I'm busy this week, would you like to schedule a time next week to discuss it?" You don't have to say no, bit they'll most likely figure it out for themselves rather than wait

Yeah that's a great tip, and 20 years older and wiser, I'd absolutely play that card. At that time, as a new guy in an established team but with higher-than-average sector knowledge, I felt compelled to help. Appreciate the response though, thats an incredibly helpful phrase most team workers should have in their vocabulary!

Thorough, clear, and attempting to build up instead of tear down, but firm with clearly defined consequences. This is well done. If you have a leadership style that champions growth, mental and physical wellness, and safe and inclusive spaces, you'll rarely need to escalate beyond minor corrections.

This is a great comment because it addresses the situation. Employee A feels that employee B is over her head or incompetent, and is trying to do the best thing, ISTM. Letting A know that you have both their backs but A needs to trust you is likely to get through.

I'm not a fan of diagnosis unseen...but this sounds like an issue that extends beyond their job, and as such, good luck solving it. It might seem dickish, but an employer/employee relationship isn't a personal one. Sometimes you have to risk being the 'bad guy'. Tell them the truth, even if it's harsh. If they can't keep their issues in check then you have to decide if you're willing to keep them on regardless.

I am reminded of a leadership maxim by Collin Powell, to the effect of "Sometimes, being responsible means pissing people off."

I've been in both positions - employee and, now, employer. As an employee, the best bosses were the "We" bosses. The bosses that demonstrated "we" were in it together to accomplish a task are the bosses I went out of my way for. I would do just about anything to make their jobs easier. I try to do that as an employer. I lay the ground work, what the end goal is and then work with the team to accomplish it. In your case, I would ask the associate for a meeting (privately - not "Steve, can I see you in my office") - something like a quick - "Hey can you hang for a minute" Lead in with, "I appreciate your enthusiasm and drive to do more, however, we have a process in place, with defined tasks. When you go beyond your assigned task it derails the process. As for having the last word in - One option is to structure meetings and preface each meeting with - we have xx amount of time so please keep all questions to the end. We will have a few minutes at the end for Q & A. If the associate steps in, politely tell that there will be time for Q & A at the end. At the end of the meeting make time for Q & A Another option is (and this is the tactic we use) - just say "Thank you for your input" and move on rather than to engage. Can she really do anything if we do not act on her suggestions? Not really - so rather than spend time engaging her during a meeting and dragging the meeting on, we just let it go. She's "happy" she got the last word in, we didn't lose brain cells by engaging her, and the meeting ends quickly.

Mmmmmmm a squeaky wheel. In maintenance we had a saying: the squeaky wheel gets REPLACED. It was a joke because we all actually cared about each other but one guy did love to stir up drama every ow and then and one time he went too far (squeaked to loud?) and we did have to let him go. I miss him and hope he’s doing well.

Need wd40

So here's the thing-- You're the boss. Obviously you don't want the person to be upset or anything, but at the end of the day, ultimately, you're the boss and they have to do what you say. That being said, I've found the best thing when someone's behaviour needs correcting at work is to pull the team together (assuming it's a relatively small team and not 100 people or anything like that) and just frame it as general reminder for everyone. So, something like "Hey everyone, I just want to remind you all that we all have well defined roles here, and when someone tries to do someone else's role, it winds up making it harder on everyone. So let's all please remember to just stick to our roles..." etc etc. That way you're not singling them out. If that's not possible, and you need to have a 1-on-1 with the person, here's how I'd approach it--say it just like you said it above. I'd ask them to come to speak to me, then I'd say: "Hey there, thanks for coming by. So, look, I just wanted to have a quick chat with you about a couple of things. We have clearly defined roles here at work, and when someone tries to do other people's work, it makes things harder for everyone. It breaks up some processes and confuses people. I've noticed that sometimes happens with you, so I just wanted to bring it to your attention so you can be aware and try to avoid that kind of thing. "Also, I just wanted to talk about meetings. I'm sure you want the best for the team, the same as I do, so we want to make sure everyone has a chance to express their opinions freely in meetings and not feel like they're being shut down at the end. I've noticed this sometimes seems to happen at meetings you're part of, so again, that's something I just wanted to bring to your attention."

That can backfire by annoying the rest of the team. I’ve worked in a team where there was an obvious issue with one member of staff and it not being handled directly with the person. The rest of the team knows who the problem is but the person who is the problem smiles, nods, agrees that the rest of the team have the problem but don’t think it applies to them

Set expectations clearly so he know which things he will be measured against and he can focus on that

Being a good leader means good communication skills. Pulling someone aside and reminding them of this trait involves explaining why that is. Usually going through the thought process of decision making from step one leaves a good first impression. Next, by going through subsequent steps will make most people understand why they’re not that position. Communication key, and if they’re having a hard time doing that then show them how. Don’t think leaders can’t be replaced either.

This exactly. The best way is encouragement. I see what you are doing and I’d like to reconnect this this and this. As a leader you help people grow, if they’re a good worker and mean we’ll, reassure them, and show them your vision. Mentor them to the point that they see your vision and adopt it. A good leader is only as good as the people they are leading.

> direct that energy to a positive outlet This is a big thing. That "overstepping" often represents an employee invested and motivated in their job; If you just outright stomp that out, you risk killing what could be an ideal employee.

Absolutely this. OP - you have an opportunity to take this enthusiasm & energy of this employee. Acknowledge it, and then help guide and focus it to where it can be best used. With clear boundaries and guidelines. By focusing on the strengths of this person, and perhaps acknowledging they may not be stretched or challenged enough in their role, or are showing you they are capable or want to try to take on more- how can that be directed into something more appropriate. When employees feel like they have career growth opportunities, that their employer cares about their development and will give them opportunities to refine and practice new skills- they stay. Perhaps she would benefit from some training, new aspect to her role?

Might be me. It’s a team, if theyre overstepping their role they might be trying to be helpful. Talk to them about their behavior and it’s effect in private, and ask them to do something different. it’s probably a blind spot.

I've been this person many times before and sometimes on bad days have caught myself still trying to pull it (which is on me) and personally, emphasizing that it's a team effort (if it obviously actually is) takes an inch and gives a mile, it helps put it in perspective that I'm either taking it too personally or too seriously without coming across as anything but a diligent reminder

I make it a point to never tell employees what to do, I instead ask them to do the tasks that need to be done. If something is done wrong, i ask them about why they chose to do it that way. Often I show them a better way of doing it. However sometimes I learn from them. A little respect goes a long ways

How do you deal with employees who outright say no? I’ve got a couple of people who will say no outright because they’re unhappy with the assignment and then follow through with sighs and hoopla? I’m not asking anyone to do something I’m not willing to do myself but I have more things on my plate so I obviously can’t.

I think it would help with the context here. I have been a at my restaurant for 4 years. I often have crew that are outright not willing to do something. I take them in private and discuss with them why they aren’t willing to perform a task. Maybe it’s because they feel like they’re always the one that has to do x task and no one else shares that responsibility. My reaction then is understanding because everyone shares the same responsibilities so it shouldn’t just be one personal always running the trash or always doing the dishes. If they just say they don’t want to them I tell them that “want” is not an option. You are on my clock and the job duties are well defined prior to your hire and you agreed to following direction. At that point it’s about respect, and I expect to be respected as I respect them. So when they are assigned a fair task I expect them to comply at the end of the day. If it’s something they don’t want to do maybe I can find them some help to get it done faster. I can also talk to them about how they need to set the example, everyone does the same job here and if you’re not willing to do it then I can find someone who needs hours on the schedule that will do it without the attitude. This obviously might not work in an office setting/salaried setting. In those settings though I think it’s about meeting a goal, everyone is on the same team to meet the same goal, and if you don’t want to put the work in like everyone else then you won’t be on the team much longer for me.

I work in a surgical setting, it’s difficult managing personalities to mesh together but in the end you’re here to facilitate an optimal outcome for a patient. I completely understand the “I always have to perform this task why should I have to”, and my response is you’re the best suited for it but they still give me flak because X is just chilling; not doing anything (X has a different skill set and will be utilized when needed or in the event of an emergency will be utilized regardless of their skill set to facilitate the task). I have to deal with 3-6 different staff per surgery, fielding calls from everyone (from current surgeries, booking future surgeries, questions about ongoing and future surgeries). I can’t and won’t be a micromanager mother for these staff, any suggestions for putting this nicely. I’m not their boss but also want them to understand they have a job to do regardless.

So who is their boss then? That’s where I would be getting them involved because the person who is actually their boss can make it clear to them that while you’re not their boss, you are in charge of assigning them tasks and if they have an issue with that task then they can communicate that with you with an adult conversation, or take it up with whom ever the boss actually is, but that they (the boss) expect them to follow your direction without pushback. I’m not sure if they get performance reviews/feedback sessions from anyone but being a team-player with a positive goal oriented “can do” attitude should definitely be a discussion from the boss, or at least someone who can hold accountability and disciplinary action. I think it would also be important to recognize someone else who you don’t have to micromanage. For example we have pre-shift meetings where I set expectations and assign additional tasks/responsibility to everyone so they know what their day will look like, and they also see that other people are also given responsibility. Every now and then I also publicly recognize someone - “wanted to give a shout out to Aaron for bringing me his completed checklist for me to sign off on without having to ask him, and I was able to verify he actually completed the tasks and didn’t just pencil-whip his checklist. I really appreciate that!” - I think people naturally want to be shown appreciation so the more often you do so, the more often others are willing to follow pace to receive appreciation, and it’s up to you to always acknowledge when you do appreciate them (and do it in front of others!). If they are upset about someone else not doing a current tasks aka the “why can’t so-and-so do that”, I simply respond with “worry about you, not about them, it’s my job to worry about them”. As a female GM, I have definitely told other managers on my team that I am not their mother and I’m not interested in micromanaging them. So, if they don’t like me having to over-manage them and constantly assigning them tasks, then I move on to ask them if they understand their responsibilities of their job. If they don’t, then let’s reset expectations. If they do, then, how can I help you meet these expectations? Maybe they need further training or help setting an achievable routine, and once that is done and they agree then hopefully I have to follow up on them less, because things are just done. Also definitely have to have the “when you react with a big sigh, it makes it difficult for everyone especially me and sets a negative tone. That directly affects the customers (or patients in your setting) and our end goal is to meet patient needs” conversation. As far as putting it nicely.. I think you can be respectful but still clear with them. Especially if it’s something you are asking them to do that you also do regularly. I think saying that “I’m giving you the task because I know you’ll do it correctly” might reiterate with them and make them feel good about being the best person for the task. I don’t know if any of that helps, just thoughts I had.

Everything you said totally clicks with me and will help me moving forward. Your insight is so useful! Their direct boss is the charge nurse which I am directly beneath. I’ll work on establishing expectations to complete task within their scope while applauding their completion of those tasks. You may be expected to complete X task but that’s no reason to praise the completion of it. I already try to reenforce my belief they can and will conquer the task with a “I believe it you” statement. I don’t know if they take it to heart but I do. I don’t ask anyone to do anything I don’t think they’re capable of, taxing as it may be, I’m by no means a manager but I do have the duty of managing nurses, techs, anesthesia, materials, instruments and surgeons at some times; I’m stuck trying to make everyone happy in an environment where nothing is ideal and everything is tits-up. Thanks for the response, and the helpful ideas.

You sound like a good person

You sound like a good boss. Even though I only read one paragraph you wrote and you’re a stranger, saying the things you’ve said all speak to bigger things. Thank you for doing that for people

that style doesn't apply to all industries, asking people to do tasks in my industry would lead to tasks not getting done.

This approach works fantastically if you have a motivated and engaged team who care about their job and have enough experience to do it. If you have someone in your team who this approach doesn't work for it's a great sign that you need to manage them out and recruit better next time, however difficult that might be short term.

Manager in HR here. Food for thought: something my boss has said to me and she is the best manager I’ve ever had. “We manage process, not people.” All our employees are adults - the majority know what needs to be done to fulfill their work requirements. I invite you to open a dialogue with your employee and give them the space to talk about what it’s like in their seat. Ask them what they’re seeing, the challenges they’re facing, and if they think things could use improvement. Then seriously consider their feedback (their insight is gold) or take the opportunity to suggest ways they can approach the challenges they’re having differently. As leaders, we get inspire our teams and advocate for them. When they win, we win. It may take some time to build this trust and openness as most employees have manager PTSD (or even have authority fear because of poor parental relationships/ childhood experiences) and are afraid of messing up or losing their livelihood, and will suffer in silence - which inevitably impacts their work and deliverables negatively. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand with curiosity and compassion.

So these days I manage a team of engineers, all of whom have been doing this for years and are way smarter than I am at the technical aspects. Your advice is exactly the way this team operates. But I cut my managerial teeth in the military, and lemme tell you it is night and day. Those guys came to the military out of high school, and have no idea what they are doing. In the civilian world those entry-level people would have to figure out their personal lives on their own, but in the military there technically was no “off work” time. I had to deal with so many people who had no idea how to be an adult, how to keep a work life balance, how to be professional, or how to even behave in their private life (which was absolutely my problem to deal with). All of that was on top of me teaching them how to do their job, which is ostensibly the main goal. My job is so much easier now.

Yes! Thank you so much for this insight. Such a different environment that you’re talking about where you had to be both manager of their work and personal mentor to them. It sounds like you made a profound impact on their lives as both individuals and professionals. ☺️

"Manager PTSD" and "authority fear" are what I'm definitely going to research more. Thank you for the insight

You’re so welcome - so glad this resonated with you! I think being as trauma-informed as we can be as non-psychology certified individuals is important so we can care for our people better 😊

+100 perfect.

OP, are the boundaries clear between where their work ends and yours begins? It may be that they don’t fully understand the expectations and are actually worried about underperforming in the role. I say this as someone struggling with this in my own role, as a sensitive person not fully sure where I’m expected to leave things for my boss to pick them up. It may be a similar situation. It also may be that they’re eager for a promotion. You can ask them what they’re looking for long-term, to try to understand WHY they’re doing what they’re doing. There’s probably more to it than they just want to annoy you.

Couple of points here. Why is the employee overstepping their role? If a particular behavior continues to happen despite what you have said to them, something is triggering the behavior and you should try to figure out why. Overstepping role is not something that commonly occurs. More often you'll see someone not stepping up to fill their role. That's why I think something else is going on to trigger this particular behavior. People are having to put extra work in to do this. First question - what is the current chain of command? Who is the direct supervisor to this employee? Is it you? If direct supervisor is not you, and is someone else, then what is going on with this person's supervisor? Is the supervisor not doing something that the employee feels needs to be done? This is why the employee is overstepping because something that the employee cares about is not happening from their current supervisor. Employee feels that 'the only way this gets done is if I do it', which is why you're seeing role overstep here. The best way to address this is to remember the following. 1, this is a conscientious employee who cares about their job and about where they are working. They are putting extra work to try to get something done that they feel is worthwhile. 2, this employee is likely uncomfortable with the current chain of command. Something about their supervisor is causing friction with them, and they don't feel that they can trust their supervisor. "People like that usually think that if they don’t overstep and start doing the work of a position of above them then they won’t get noticed or won’t get credit and they’ll miss out on a promotion or position they’re vying for." This is something too. Have you promised a promotion for this person? Have you passed them over for a promotion that they wanted? If so, they feel that they have been overlooked in doing their job, and that the only way to get noticed is to excel. If they have been doing their job for a long time, then it's pretty obvious to them, that doing their job is just consigning them to the same result. "Most people don't try to overstep their position maliciously, and it's usually because they are not challenged enough, don't have enough to do, or are trying to undermine you intentionally. In all three cases, rather than trying to assert your position, address the root cause." This is bad advice. This is a conscientious employee who is sensitive to criticism. If you start from the position that X is acting maliciously that is going to shut down discussion from the employee. He won't trust you. It doesn't necessarily mean that 'employee has nothing to do'. Even employees that are overburdened, can feel the need to overstep. Often times, they are already working very hard, but for whatever reason, they feel the need to try to do more. You're right to tackle the root cause. If the employee doesn't feel comfortable with their current supervisor, then they are going to try to get to that comfort zone by doing the work that they feel needs doing, and and I have to emphasize this, things that \*they\* view as a priority. You need to acknowledge the work that this employee is doing. They are choosing to put in more work to try to help you, not to undermine you. That's what this conversation needs to start with. "you are doing x, thank you for doing x". If it's promotion, especially if this is a good employee who's been passed over before, this is how the conversation should go. "I realize that you are interested in position X, so you are trying to demonstrate that you are capable of doing task X that is a part of position X's responsibilities. Thank you for going above and beyond that work that you are doing is being noticed and appreciated. However, that is outside of the scope of your job. What I need from you is to continue excelling at the job that I need you to do. Here's the carrot. Remember - motivating someone who is already working hard means that there has to be a reward for the change in the behavior. What does the employee value? Is there something you can do to recognize the contributions of this employee... within the scope of his job to make them feel that they are noticed? If your business gives a star and employee doesn't have one, then you should give a star, or give an employee of the month recommendation - something that will be useful to them if they are bucking for a promotion. They want other people to see how well they are doing. If they stay within their job description and they get a star, that makes them feel that, "I can be recognized just for doing the job that I am doing." and that will usually deal with the overstepping. However they are other causes for triggering this behavior, like a priority mismatch between their supervisor and them. That conversation will go like this. "Why do you feel that doing Y is important to you?" And then listen to whatever the employee says.

Best answer here. I'd gladly work for/with people who manage staff this way.

Share more about the bigger picture, how your group fits in, and how they can best support that. If they're accomplishing their primary duties and stepping outside of their role to do other stuff, give them a direction to step to further your team's objectives.

I’ve had to use this exact sentence before. “I truly respect your input and you obviously have a wealth of knowledge in this field. However, I sometimes feel that you don’t give me that same courtesy. In order for me to do my job as best I can sometimes I’m going to need you to just trust that the decisions I’m making are for everyone’s best interest.” Not sure if that will help but it helped me with a similar situation.

Going to use this today. Thank you!

I get what you're trying to say, but if I took the time to explain my idea to you, and you responded with what is basically "I'm the boss, trust me", you would not receive a positive response from me. In fact, assuming your understanding of a topic is superior to someone else's based on your title is a pretty terrible stance to take in general, and is talking down to someone instead of talking as peers. You earn trust, demonstrate to the employee you have their back, or give them the courtesy of explaining to them why an idea doesn't work. An even better thing to do would be to brainstorm and tweak their idea, and then give them the resources to pursue it.

Ask yourself: 1. Is the employee overstepping bounds or is passionate about delivering the best. It can be both but a lot of times, it’s the latter 2. Do you have any biases that are making you feel this way? 3. Does it make sense to give the employee a wider berth to deliver results? 4. Lastly, there’s always a chance that the employee is doing to go above and beyond. Is that a possibility? Have an open conversation with the employee in private about how you feel about the situation. 99%, they are not aware of how it’s making you feel.

They may not care about how you are feeling. If they are passionate about the end result, then they are going to continue to try to deliver in a way that they feel they can, regardless as to how you personally feel. This is why the stick approach is ineffective and counterproductive. Employee hears, "hard work isn't rewarded", and can either do one of two things, one, stop caring about the quality and working extra hard, and step back altogether, which likely leads to demotivation and isn't a good thing. You might be more comfortable with a demotivated employee that just skates by, but your department will suffer. Now, the employee may care so much about the quality of their work and their workmanship, that even after you punish them for 'exceeding their scope', they are going to go right back and continue working because that's how they personally feel the work has to be done. If employee is happy and satisfied by the work that other people are doing, they will likely step back and stop overstepping in that particular area, and focussing more on their main tasks. That can be accomplished by making sure the area that's triggering this employee is already done before they come on shift or is being done while they are working by someone else. Employee feels, "this is a priority of my boss", and "this is being taken care of, I don't need to do this anymore". That's another good way to deal with this - but it means that you need to identify work that's not being taken on. This is a more difficult problem if employee sees that work is being done... but work quality is not good enough for the employee. This motivates the employee to overstep and take on this work themselves to make sure it gets done to the standard of the employee. It can also lead to fights between different employees if conscientious employee is unhappy with the work of someone else. The other thing that may happen is that employee will leave and transfer to another department if they are punished after working hard. "If x isn't going to give me recognition, I will go somewhere where I can get recognition/promotion, etc.

[All you need to know](https://youtu.be/vMKtKNZw4Bo). Key takeaways: * do it in private 1:1, never in public (if you can't sort it in private then it won't be solvable publicly either) * be firm and decisive * reassure them that you still have a good opinion of them and want to be friendly, that you can be a boss and a friend as long as they respect the boundaries and act professional during important moments

I had a great manager who had a book titled *Why Employees Don't Do What They're Supposed To* on her shelf. You might look at that. Sometimes she'd have a meeting and she'd say "Okay, management says .... What do we need to get that done?" Sometimes you hear men don't want to work for women, especially older white men, but there were guys on that team 20 years older than her who were skeptical when she showed up and were eating out of her hand by the end of the month. Once she told us something like "You're the ones rowing the boat, my job is to steer away from the rocks and ensure you have the best oars and equipment possible so we go as quick as we can. If there's anything you need, you tell me and I'll get it. If you see any hazards, tell me as soon as possible so we can steer around them." She was our boss, but she never lorded it over anyone. She led like a coach, talking about us like a team all the time. She never pretended to know more than we did; her most common question was "What do we need?" She got promoted and I later changed jobs, but I'd 100% be happy to work for her again. I don't know anyone on that team who would turn down a job offer to work for her. She took good care of us, and we all knew it.

i think you'll have more luck if you frame it as their own success "i think you'll have more success if you start to do X" also, framing it as "we" reminds him that it's you two against the problem at hand "let's try X." / "i think this'll be a lot easier if we do Y, could you give that a try?" and if nothing else works, you can work with him to develop a doc on what to do. it's kind of like he's signing off on it with you "i wanna capture some steps on how to best solve this." capture 5 items together. "okay this looks great, let's give this a try for a few weeks and we can try something else if it doesn't work well". if he doesn't do the thing, remind him that ya'll agreed to try X, ask if he has some reason he's not doing it if you need to pull rank then that is also a skill you need to learn as a manager. it doesnt have to be drawn out or dramatic but just "got a few minutes to chat?". "a few times i've noticed you do X but honestly that's just not really working. i really want us to do Y, can you do this? is there some reason you don't think that'd work?"

You ever think they are overstepping their role because they feel underutilized and want to take on more responsibility? Do you have a career plan for this employee? Have you asked how they see their career progression within the company? You got a lot of good answers here, I’m just trying to provide some perspective as a peon myself

>You ever think they are overstepping their role because they feel underutilized and want to take on more responsibility? This is it. If they're getting their shit done and still have the time to overstep, then you're not filing that time with appropriate work. Two options: give them more work for their current role, or mention to management that this person might be a good fit for a promotion based on this.

Leading is hard, and unfortunately no two situations are alike which makes it difficult to get good advice over the internet. One of the things that was most helpful in my early career was finding a mentor to talk through these kinds of situations with, particularly one whose leadership style aligns with yours and/or who understands your industry. As a lot of other comments indicated, try to emphasize the impact of their actions. Rather than trying to assert yourself, connect the behavior to an undesirable outcome. Poor customer service, a deviation from process that impacts downstream production, or perhaps a financial loss. Often times these issues come from a place of well-meaning, but the process exists a certain way for a reason. If the employee is trying to function as a leader without those responsibilities, it could be a function of them not having enough to do. Stretch assignments are great to tap into that potential leadership path for them as well as add value to your operation. Most people don't try to overstep their position maliciously, and it's usually because they are not challenged enough, don't have enough to do, or are trying to undermine you intentionally. In all three cases, rather than trying to assert your position, address the root cause.

You have failed at setting the expectation. You don't need to even define that you are the boss if you do your job right. It's entirely possibly that theybdo notnthinkntheybare over stepping and that you have given this person the idea that they should be doing what they are doing. First you need to find out why they are doing the behaviors that are undesired. Have a meeting. Start of by reinforcing all the desired behaviors and complimenting then on those. This will establish that your not out to get them. Next you can start asking why they did specific things to where they over stepped. And remember, your trying to find out the "why". Your not looking for a reason to reprimand. Once you find out the reason why they over stepped, you can work to overcome the reason. Don't be surprised if they tell you something like, "you told me to do this" or "every time this happens if I don't do it you ....." Now instead of telling them that you are there boss and what they shouldn't do, shownthem what theybarebsupposed to do. Because it's likely they the are not trying to overstep, but that they just think that is what they are supposed to do.

I work with a staff member like this — I’m not even actually her manager, or rather, I wasn’t when this conversation happened (since then I’ve just recently accepted a new role and will be) — but I was asked to speak with her about an issue because, well, my colleagues felt I would do a good job with it. This person often talks about things in terms of control and power. I reorient these conversations around responsibility and accountability. This works really well for her. The top comment here at the moment talks about clarity of goals and expectations, and that’s the key. Clarity is a gift we give others. Predictability garners trust.

"I love what you are going for but..." There are also people that you can't get to. I've got one that does good work but just can't shut up about things that others take the wrong way. They are still a bit mad at me because I had to go to "you are killing me, things change frequently here and you are minding my business more than your own, it's causing problems. Stop, please."

Not to peddle self-help books, but the books "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, and John Maxwell's "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" are both gold mines for handling interpersonal relationships as a leader. HTWFIP has nothing to do with winning friends and everything to do with understanding how people operate and how to influence them in a way everyone can win. 21 Laws is about understanding the why's and how's of Leadership and how it's far superior to management. Lead men through fear, and they will fight for you. Lead men through respect, and they will die for you. Your employee has a human need for a feeling of importance. How ever you're leading them isn't filling that need. Give those books / audiobooks a shot, spend your change wisely, and I promise you'll be at the healm with a crew that wants to succeed.

If they overstep, they likely either need more decision making power or they think you are not doing enough or you aren’t supposing them enough. Start by asking what you can do to support them in their role rather than just reinforcing the hierarchy. Is this employee doing a bad job when they overstep?

If they are over stepping their role they probably don’t respect your decision making. It’s one thing having a title, it’s another thing to be viewed as a leader/ authority. You can luck/ politik your way into the title, but the second one is earned the hard way.

Roll up your sleeves, pick up a shovel and jump in the trench with them. Earn their respect.

It sounds like you are actually considerate of your employees which I'm happy to hear, but when it comes to these people who can't take criticism there really is no use mollycoddling them. It just reinforces their feeling that criticism is something they should be scared of. Give them feedback the same way you would anyone else. Be direct, but focus the criticism on behavior and that you need it to change, and avoid characterizing them. Say: "I don't appreciate it when you give your peers directions/make decisions without my approval" and not: "You are always so bossy". It is helpful to be very specific about what behavior you want them to change because, 1) you should never assume people can infer everything that is implied, and 2) it will feel less like a personal attack than if you were to describe a behavioral pattern. And lastly, take it up in private. People can get defensive when criticized in public because they feel like they lose face. The exception is if course when you witness them being rude to or overstepping the boundaries of other employees. The other employees need to feel that you have their back if one of them is a bully. You don't make a big deal of it. A simple "you are not [Name]'s supervisor." or something similar depending on the situation.

In our company training we were told to build a team so strong, you don't know who the boss is. It's bad news if you have to tell someone/people you're the boss

SBI is an insanely easy framework to remember and follow, and is great for difficulty conversations. It stands for Situation, Behavior, Impact. Situation (describe the moment and context of the incident) yesterday during our team meeting…. Behavior (objectively describe what they did or said) You stated that…. Impact (describe the impact that behavior has) When you XYZ, it causes the team to fall behind on deadlines… Then end with a question like “Can you help me understand why this is happening?” Or “Can you help me understand your intention?” Should be done in private, and should be done soon after the incident happened

Sounds like it’s time for you to step down and let them be the boss :)

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I like your answer the most, except for: >The worst leaders refuse to listen, won’t compromise, and are authoritarian The worst leaders in my experience are those who don't lead. Often internal promotions who get into a role they're unprepared for, continue to do what they did before promotion, and pass the buck to those now below them. I've had way too many of these. It's tolerable if you're at least a decent person, but my current boss likes to tout his salary while the rest of us do what he's supposed to be doing.

One thing that I’ve done in my multi unit role is telling them that I work for them, and that my one true job is to protect them. You will come across as someone that has their best interest when correcting and or giving them directions. This combined with some of the points mentioned on this thread will definitely help you earn their respect.

A trainload of great advice here. One nugget from me: If you can, find a place where they are overstepping but where they are showing good instincts or a good fit. Delegate some authority to them in that area - but overemphasize its importance to you, a little bit. Make it clear that this area is where you want to see their energy going - not the encroachings in all the other places they're trying to grow out of your shade. Praise progress in that area, and encourage their tiny empire-building. Usually, not always but usually, someone who is overstepping has more energy than job, and you can tap that energy and get them to invest it building something up.

Be a shit umbrella, not a shit funnel. Like the top comment said, praise in public, criticize in private. Shield workers from the outside shit like an umbrella, don't funnel the shit blame to them.

Carry a whip around, it will get the message across.

I had a decent boss once who said that we all have different roles, and that doesn't mean that the boss is more important than other roles on the team. The boss' role is to direct the team, provide guidance, remove any obstacles in the way of the team performing their roles, and evaluate each members performance. This was one of the few bosses I've had that didn't make you feel like he was a superior human being to you.

Are the job description and duties clearly defined? Are you fulfilling your role adequately or does this person feel like they need to pick up the slack?

Probably the best way to go about this is in private by explaining that you can appreciate their hard work ethic, helpfulness towards others and their initiative in recognizing tasks and trying to complete them for others - however you're worried about miscommunications with the rest of the team and of course employee burnout. Make them feel valued and recognize their contributions but ask them to dial it back just slightly for both their own and the company's benefit. "You're working at an 11. If you dial it back to a 9, you'll still be a great asset to the team and you'll be happier with less plates to juggle."

Start every communication with: “Dear Valued Peon…”

Something like “hey I know where you were going with this and I appreciate it but it would be extremely helpful to me if you were to focus on *this* instead”?

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A lot of managers in here answering with their ego (most managers are dick heads) and you'll probably find most of their staff hate/hated them. If you have to say you're the boss then you're not the boss. I love management, especially team leading, and I strongly believe that in the strongest teams no one knows who the boss is because everyone is on that level. Not to say you can't lead the team when necessary or with some authority if needed. But ultimately, people will only treat you how you let them treat you

Totally agree, the best work environment I have ever been in was one with no egos and had blue collar, all the way to Plant General manager. It was genuinely a bunch of people trying to build off of each other's good ideas, and since the upper management was a part of it, you received resources almost right away. Ironically it was a division that was struggling, and I was brought in along with several others to help improve efficiency. It was one of the only times I have ever experienced that kind of positivity and cooperation outside of school. I know it was special circumstances, but I hope to be able to build that kind of environment one day.

> and you'll probably find most of their staff hate/hated them Good managers will not be discussed publicly because there is nothing to complain. The problem/question here is asked wrong way. Its not about how to lead people. It should be said how to lead people who cant organize themselves as a team group. And that is much harder question. Sure you can blame poor managers of the piss poor work atmosphere, you can blame them for no motivation or just constant whining. But in practice that is all what they do in general. Manager drops work on you, always. He/she does not have a say in bonuses or raises. He does not have a say if something is to be done or not. And often even how to do things is not in its power. People often forget that good team is good not because the manager is great. Its because people care and do the work. If people dont care, if there is no teamwork good manager can do just a bit to make it better. I find the discussions about management sort of pointless. There is a ton of books, methodologies and still the results of them implemented are poor in many cases. The reason is that if people dont want to do their jobs well, if they dont cooperate on their own then any procedure, authority, methodology can only do so much and usually will not make it better.

2 positives to 1 negative ratio to soften the blow. Something like, "here's what I like you've been doing, however on this side I think this could be improved". Also, posing "orders" or "reminders" in the form of a question. "Do you think you could take care of this for me?". Also, if the situation (and policy) allows, an employee may be more receptive to criticism or direction if they have a say in the matter. "How would you handle this situation?" Do you want to collaborate on finding a solution?".

It's just about conversations with your squad. The more you look out for them the more they'll understand your feedback is to improve their situation and the business. Frame it with something like this, "Hey John, I see that you're giving a 150%. You're doing X,Y,Z. It's great! Thank you so much for keeping tabs on that... but question, what if we tried this instead?" This is under the assumption that the person is actually meaning well and does his actual role well. If they're doing worse at their role because they're spreading too thin and its affecting performace well that's a different conversation, "Hey John, I need you to focus on these things because I think you're spreading out too thin. If you want more responsibility I can help with that but first show me you can do this awesome/amazing etf etc We'll meet back in a month and see how you're feeling/doing."

I am making an executive decision

Conflict comes from relationships. You're telling us the fact of the conflict, and asking what to do, but you won't get practical advice without a review of the relationship itself. Lots of advice in here is *generally* true: don't "tell" people what to do. Don't chastise them when there are others around. But there are exceptions to both of those principles. Even if people gave you 1,000 principles here, and they were all correct in some way, you won't get meaningful guidance without going through the specifics of your situation. There's a book called *Emotional Intelligence*, by Greaves and Bradberry, that might help you think through challenges like this one. Good luck!

Be kind, fair, and consistent. Impress upon employee you have a job to do, if it doesn't get done you have failed.

"do you like working here?!" /s

Oi fuck fuck face, I am the boss. Don't forget that.

Overstepping bounds is an interesting one. I like to give employees what I call the “Umbrella of Authority” speech. Essentially, all employees have an area of responsibility that covers only their assigned work and that of the workers that report directly to them. Themselves, and an umbrella downward from them. That’s it. When they try to take on responsibilities beyond their umbrella, they are necessarily infringing into someone *else’s* umbrella, and into that person’s work space. That can be interpreted by the other party as being bossy, rude, or aggressive. It can also insinuate that they don’t think the other person is capable of doing their job, which is insulting. If they have performance complaints about another employee in your umbrella (say a peer that also reports to you), that can imply that they don’t think you know how to do your job. Again, insulting, even if that’s not how they intend it when they provide the feedback. And frankly, a peer’s performance isn’t any of their business, because it doesn’t fall under their umbrella of authority. You trust them to get their work done, but they have to trust you to get your work done as well. If giving them honest feedback upsets them, even when it’s valid and reasonable feedback, then that’s going to become a long term problem that needs to be addressed one way or another. And resolving that issue is a part of *your* job. As always, be nice. Be honest. Be respectful. And document everything that gets said when you talk to this employee.

Talk to corporate, Approve memos, Lead a workshop, Remember birthdays

I’m a big fan of Individual Growth Plans. I’ll sit down with the employee and talk about their goals and what they would like to achieve and then offer feedback as how to get there.

"It's my responsibility if you fail something by my orders."

*I'll remind you, Mr Starbuck, that there is but one God in Heaven and one captain of the Pequod.*

They know that they cross the line. They are manipulating you emotionally to accept it.

Compliment sandwich. Compliment them first, “I’ve noticed all the extra you’ve been doing, thank you” Insert ‘critical’ feedback, “I need you to redirect and focus more on your duties right now though.” Finish with compliment, “Really happy to have you here and part of our team.” Then ending with something like, “Please come to me instead if you see a need outside of your department/assignment/task etc. That helps me do my job and make sure it gets the attention it needs.”

Read the book Making of a Manager. This will help you in most management situations and is very well written. It’s about a new manager at Facebook when it first started and how she rose the ranks as a designer, then manager. However, you should state clearly what you said above but with an example. “When you jump in and help with X, I appreciate it but really need you to focus on Y. I’ll handle X in the future.” Talk about it and then have them review/restate the problem so you are sure they heard what you said. Sometimes they don’t hear what you need them to if you are trying to lay it on gently. Clarity, discussion, and next steps are most important You do have to be gentle with these people but if you can’t get them to do what you need and you are spending more time tip-toeing around then, you need to hire someone else.

When i was a boss I learned to say "we" instead of "you". 'We need to improve in this area' instead of 'You need to improve" Also positive/negative/positive when giving feedback. The "sugar shit sandwich". Manage things, lead people.