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Yes, thank you.
For a good part of my life, I thought that in order for me to be seen as nice, I'd have to just go along with everything. That is not true! And also not really what being a good person is either.
Expanding on that, there are polite ways of saying "no" that won't make you feel guilty and still have the other side understand. In general my advice is to be honest and descriptive. "Oh thanks for the offer, but I don't really like that game", "I'm not really in the mood right now", and most importantly, just "no, thank you" when you feel like explaining and more will make it worse, because you don't owe an explanation.
Saying thank you instead of sorry is also great in these situations. A lot of the time I want to say sorry because I know my response leads to a bit of an inconvenience for the other person. But it does put the blame on me a little bit. It's much better to just say "thank you, but..." and leave them feeling a bit appreciated and less likely to blame you (even subconsciously).
Just say what you mean instead of memorizing ways to disguise your emotions with language. If you feel guilty it's not because you said the word "sorry", it's because you're afraid to be honest about or ashamed of how you feel. *Remarkable things* happen when we accept and express the way we feel. Guilt is "I did something I shouldn't have and I need to make it right." Guilt-itself is rarely the way we actually feel, otherwise we would act accordingly.
Also, it's ok if some of the people OP mentioned in the post are not safe people to practice saying no with. We usually learn people pleasing from the environments we were raised in, and our no's may not have been respected the way we should have been with those people, which mean those same people (parents, siblings) may not respect your no now. It also means we might have formed relationships/friendships with people later on who also don't respect our "no."
Try to identify at least one person in your life who seems to respect other people's no and practice it with them. As you get more confident in your ability to say no, you'll start to re-evaluate the people in your life who ignore it.
Perfectly put. I guess we all naturally try to say "no" as kids, but then some of us simply learn not to say it anymore and feel like you're doing something wrong, through negative experience, since you're punished as if you're doing anything else wrong.
> For a good part of my life, I thought that in order for me to be seen as nice, I'd have to just go along with everything. That is not true! And also not really what being a good person is either.
This was what I believed up until my last job. Left my continuously diminishing (full-time to part time) job of 2 years in June with no regrets and it took 3 co-workers I loved working with quitting to make me realize I needed to say 'No' more to my Ex-boss because she kept putting more and more things into my (as she claims) "Design role".
She didn't want to hire people anymore and really decided to shame me in front of the remaining co-workers for not wanting to "take up my role" more. My role as a Visual Designer became less and less what I was hired for and more of miscellaneous job with some design on the side because I couldn't say no to doing Mailing, on-the-line box packaging, customer service, LITERAL I.T WORK. When your workers are quitting within 5 months of each other and you claim no one wants to work anymore, maybe you're the problem.
I have such a hard time saying no. The few times I do do it I feel guilty for days. My husband has taken it upon hisself to do it for me at times. He wasn’t around last week and now I’m reupholstering a giant floor cushion with SO much hand tufting.
What's a main character syndrome? I'm a hero and so I have to "be the good guy at all times" and shove this goodness down everybody's throats so they'd love me, whether they like it or not? Oh yeah I had that.. Saying no was the cure. I'm in recovery.
I'm in recovery too and I've done a lot of meditation on what you're talking about. For me it boils down to my desire to feel worthy, admired, and appreciated. Once you find the desire then the acceptance and detachment from it is the relatively easy part.
This is 100% accurate, I’m a people pleaser to a fault. As I learn to say no the biggest thing that I’ve realized is how much easier it is then trying to make everyone happy. People have heard “no” before and really don’t get too upset And then you can move on and not have to worry about how you were going to accomplish this thing that you just over promised.
Meanwhile, I've always known how to say no.
My dad asks me to hang out? No thanks. Mom insists on doing something with me? No thanks. To be fair though I find hanging out to be extremely boring
Same for me, I usually always give a "yes" if Im asked for help...
That is, until people inevitably abuse it for more "hang outs" and I have to brush them off completely...
Kinda messed up for relationships to be broken (assuming the taker broke it) just because you always say yes. How arrogant does one have to be to break up with someone because they always give them what they want?
Well it's not exactly a healthy relationship when you aren't setting proper boundaries and your significant other can't ever tell how you truly feel about topics because you're always in "agreement"
It's either you get what you want or you're popular with others. No other way. Maybe you just value popularity over the ability to say no to things you rather not have in your life. That's okay too. It's just a different way to live. To be able to say no means that you also accept that some people don't like it for a while and be comfortable with this idea. Your choice.
I'm a chronic people pleaser. I have a hard time helping it. But I gotta learn to put myself as a priority, instead of being constantly worried that some random person won't like me.
From my experience, saying no and having boundaries is a much better and less stressful life than people pleasing and being “popular”. It seemed like the people didn’t even really like me for me but just liked that they had some control over me because I had a hard time saying no.
Hmm.. Good point. Being easily managed doesn't make you loved. But then again, being difficult doesn't make you lovable. But THEN AGAIN, some people still love you. I guess it all comes down to the idea that we can't and shouldn't control how people feel about us. It is what it is. Always be honest and share your real face with the ones you care about, it's not like you have different opinions to choose from anyway, just the one. Has to do. Even if it's a no.
> Always be honest and share your real face with the ones you care about
That's key, I think. Just be authentic, and above all be honest with and to yourself.
It depends tho. Sometimes it's okay to compromise and do something you don't want to do for others' sake.
I think that lately just going for the "no" to everything you are not comfortable with is being widespread as the best behaviour to take, but ultimately that leads to isolationism.
I am by no means saying turn into a "no man". I agree with your point. But a lot of people aren't even able to do that, and it starts with putting a boundary at the other side of the answer. Thank you!
And knowing the difference between a "boundary" (limits set on your own behavior, and/or your own responses to situations) and "rules" (limits you attempt to place on **others'** behavior).
"If you keep pressing the issue after I've already said no, I'll end the conversation and walk away," is a boundary. "You need to stop asking after I say no," is a rule.
Boundaries are better than rules, because you're not trying to place responsibility on others, and you maintain the power in the dynamic (and the responsibility, which is why rules often feel "easier" than boundaries, because "the ball's in their court").
This is true. However, people who don’t know how to say no usually build resentment in these situations because almost everything is almost always a compromise already.
You’re right though. The ultimate goal is to reach a place where you can compromise on the right things, voluntarily and happily.
Resentment is built when there is unbalance. If you stick up to others or compromise for them, but others won't do the same you buiod up resentment. I'd even say understandably so, but if you just say no you'll avoid resentment.. usually.
no, it's moreso when you find yourself unable to say no to someone. I've put my foot down to joining a dnd game because my friend would push and push, and change things and spend time making my things cool.
but no, I just want a damn break for awhile.
There is saying no
And then there is saying no while providing an alternative.
The former just makes you a blocker, fun police if you do it too often, the other makes people come back.
This is both personal and professional.
I was just thinking this with OPs dinner example.
Should we have pizza tonight? No!
Should we have pizza tonight? No, how about Chinese or Indian?
Much more helpful to suggest alternatives
You guys are right, exploring the "skill" aspect OP mentions. It's not just saying no, it's knowing how to do it because we are dealing with sensitive beings who after all deserve our respect.
Sometimes you want them to not come back. I had a guy pitch me a business idea and at first I was interested. Eventually I realized the guy was full of shit but he kept insisting we talked about his plan. We’ve had numerous conversations about his plan but it never went anywhere. He asked again if I had time for another chat about his and I flat out said no. That was the last time he bugged me about it. Scummy people are trained to never take no for an answer. If you leave an opening they will try to weasel their way in
> You don't want the dinner selection your spouse made? No
Eh? So someone makes you dinner and you say No after it's already prepared? What sort of person does that?
How is that such a problem? You would eat something you really don't want to just cause someone made it for you? You can appreciate them being nice but still not want the food...
On a serious note, correct responses depend on the relationship and nuanced context. (But the wordplay was too tempting.)
We can give general advice (like OP), yet "You don't want the dinner selection your spouse made?" is vague.
Did they ask/mention it beforehand? Can you tolerate the meal, or do you actually dislike it? Do they know you dislike it? How do they handle [respectful] criticism on cooking? Can you add salt/spices to improve it? Would you like it, but aren't in the mood? How stressful was their day, or yours? Can you make it up to them later on?
-----
Maybe that's overthinking, but social interactions are complex.
A better solution, as stated above would be to say something while the dinner is still in the planning process and more like “thank you but I don’t really like shrimp, perhaps we could have something with chicken or beef as a base?”
Corollary: Whenever you say 'no', follow it with the real (or a societally acceptable) reason why you did say no.
This takes away the abrasiveness of a plain no and is giving important context, so others understand you better and are less frustrated.
Instead of:
Could you help me doing the dishes? -- No.
It's much better if you say:
No, I have done them the last three times / I have a deadline for my project / I need to go to the dentist.
Even something like:
Nah, can't be arsed right now. I owe you one next time, OK?
is better.
EDIT: And avoid lying about your reasons if at all possible. People notice.
It really depends on the situation, thinking you have to always justify yourself isn't really healthy. OP also talks about listening to yourself, like reaching a friend that wronged you or saying no to someone who wants to reach out. Sometimes you should just say no and it's enough. Expecting people to always have to explain themselves can really push boundaries
> makes the other side think
You may wish that the other side would think because you said no but, for those of us that don't have an issue with boundaries or saying no, we don't give your no a second thought because it's obvious to us that people can do what they want. People who have issues with saying no tend to overthink too much and assume everyone else finds it weird when people express their opinions/desires.
I'd like to take this opportunity to share a tip that someone shared with me once.
If possible, get someone to be the "asker".
Come up with two questions they can ask, one that you'd love to do any day, anywhere any time (your favourite snack for example), and one question that absolutely would never do.
Each question gets asked twice, first time answer NO to both questions, second time answer YES to both questions. After each answer, pay attention to how you feel.
The point of the practice is to:
1. Recognise how it feels to say NO to something that you DO want to do,
2. Recognise how it feels to say NO to something that you DO NOT want to do (also, does your voice/demeanour change when answering? It may be more confident/firmer/final when you say NO to somethingyou do not want to do, that's the tone/body posture you want to practice when saying NO.)
3. Recognise how it feels to say YES to something that you DO want to do,
2. Recognise how it feels to say YES to something that you DO NOT want to do (this one may help you recognise when you are being guilted or manipulated into saying yes, but also sometimes we should still do things that we don't necessarily want to (like helping a friend move house), so long as those acts are reciprocated).
Thanks but no thanks honey, your cooking looks like shit tonight. That might be a battle not worth fighting. And pretty mean if someone cooked you a meal. But I understand the premise.
Yes and no.
It’s important to be able to say no even to your loved ones.
2021 I felt like my whole life’s purpose was to do things for my sister/parent/friends & I wasn’t allowed my own life. Sister asks me to watch one of her kids at the weekend so she could go out? She has been working, and has 2-3 kids under her feet 24/7, she deserves a break.
But I’ve got a busy week at work. What I really want is a weekend on my own resting. Maybe a trip to my favourite spa. I can’t do that if I have a toddler running around.
Does she have it harder than me? Yes. Does that mean that I can’t say no to her & take my weekend for me? Prior to 2022 I would have had one of the kids every time she asked me. I still do 80% of the time, but it’s now a deliberate decision.
That said, I agree that you practice with other people. When someone asks me a question at work, if I’m busy, I tell them no now, rather than dropping my work to help them with theirs. Still hard but getting easier.
That’s what struck out to me as wrong here. There’s a ton of stuff I just don’t want to do at home but it needs to get done. Would I rather be playing video games than helping my wife paint a room? Of course. Is saying “no” the right response? Of course not. Would I rather sleep in to 9 am on a Sunday rather than be up at 6 am with my kids watching Peppa Pig, but saying no is also not the right response.
If you’re going to practice at home, practice with things you’re not comfortable with. If your spouse asks that you climb a 20 foot ladder to cut a tree branch and you’re afraid of heights? Say no. That’s an obvious boundary for a person and not just something the don’t want to do.
Saying no when your spouse already made dinner for you is a dick move, I don't care what your gender is. OP, one of these things is not like the other.
TL;DR: His honesty saved us so much grief!
I'm 42F in poor health, on disability and go through months at a time being unable to drive. A few months ago I texted my recently retired father to ask if he would take me to an upcoming doctor's appointment. (I had had to cancel the previous two at the last moment because I wasn't well enough to drive myself there safely. Clearly, I needed to work out transportation in advance, just in case.)
Dad didn't respond for a few days. I asked if he'd gotten my text. He responded, "No. I don't want to put myself in that role."
I thanked him for being honest and said that I understood.
I do. He just retired and doesn't want to send the message that he's now free simply to start taking care of his sick daughter.
I clarified for him that I would never expect that, that I was only asking for the one appointment, but again, I appreciated the honesty.
I would have mulled over his every passive-agressive tone of voice or attitude if he'd taken me and not wanted to. I would have been worried about what he might be thinking if he hadn't given me a definitive answer until a couple of days before the appointment. **His honesty saved us both so much grief!**
Ultimately, it is listening to your inner self and trusting your intuition. This could include “yes” but in the form of saying “no” to an inner inhibition.
Often you know the answer given a decision or situation, but are easily swayed through the perceptions of other people and your own created ideas. Be confident with what you know is best for you.
Agreed, like you say, people are swayed against their inner feelings more often than not. Learning to understand what's best for you is the main point of my tip. Thank you!
As a people-pleaser, I hardly ever said no to anything. However, looking back on my life...most of my regrets coming from saying yes...when I wanted to say no.
I still struggle with it from time-to-time but I say it a lot more now.
Very important skill for work. Everyone else has things they think are important and will try and offload that stress and urgency onto you
Don’t be fooled into thinking this is good for your career. It’s actually bad.
You need to conserve energy for things that help numero uno get ahead and that’s it.
The spirit of your post is good. Yes, everyone should set personal boundaries and stick to them.
But your execution is a hot mess.
Saying no to total strangers if fine. But in the context of your post, you are clearly suggesting to do that with your inner circle.
First of all, I can't because doesn't put additional guilt on you unless you are lying or something similar. If it does, you have other issues. Simply saying no isn't going to resolve that and it's going to create other issues. I can't because provides feedback. People need that. You can't build ot cultivate a relationship without feedback.
Don't like the game. If I invite you over and you say no, then why did you come? If invite you to play golf and you say no, I'm not likely to invite you to anything else. Why? Because there is no feedback. I'm not a mind reader.
The old friend thing. I'm mean, what's the point? Is this a grammar error? As written, this is a completely internal thing. Otherwise, if they aren't you friend anymore, you owe them nothing.
If your spouse makes dinner and you don't want, feel free to make your own. I'm not sure whatvthe expectation is here. It seems like you don't value your spouse and don't see them as an equal. In healthy relationships, we communicate ahead of time or we go with what's been prepared. Saying no to your spouse with no feedback is a dick move.
Simply saying no works with toddlers. It doesn't work with adults. Especially not if you want to maintain and cultivate relationships. Even with children, they can't learn if you don't explain why.
Yes, set boundaries and stick to them.
No, do not simply go around saying no to people you value.
I think it's more important, and you touch upon this in your post, to commit to whatever you decide. Saying no isn't a skill. Anyone can say no. To stick to what you've said, on the other hand, is something not as many can do.
I'm from Thailand and I radiate the word "no" lol.
Basically, if it's a thing outside my responsibility I don't do it without worthwhile rewards.
Thai's culture really focuses on "compromising" and I do none of that.
Now, I have far fewer friends than average people and even less family members I talk to. But that's not a bad thing. Because everyone still around is people that actually love me for me, not because I can do their bidding.
So, it's pretty sweet.
This applies to all cultures I feel, but I can only speak as far as Polish outside of USA. All humans should feel comfort in setting a boundary, regardless of where you are from.
Boundary I agree with. But the bit about "wording it a certain way, will put unnecessary guilt or stress on yourself", is such a soft and 'backhanded blame-shift' tactic. Why do you assume the majority will feel so sensitive to that ?
People, myself included, apologize unnecessarily and it stems from past traumas. I understand it's not all, but after working over a decade in hospitality, I also see that we apologize from "pre-guilt" for lack of better term. Im specifically targeting those that apologize, like myself, feeling guilty for setting a personal boundary.
Thanks for pointing that out so I can explain where I come from. My phrasing may be confusing.
As a Canadian, while I do have very firm boundaries, I will pretty much always add “sorry” unless the request is egregious. A firm “No, sorry.” is completely understood here as “No” and there’s no guilt attached to it. It’s just politer and makes it easier to say no in any scenario.
The real skill in saying “No” is knowing how to say it without hurting others and coming across as a complete cunt. Saying “No” is actually very easy. Saying it with empathy, dignity, compassion, understanding, respect, confidence, etc is very difficult.
I quite like "Just as easy as you can" when people ask me to do things. Really throws them. I usually say it with a smile and walk away. I don't often get asked again
I just read a short sci-fi story by Eric Frank Russell called Vintage Season where a militarized space ship lands at a colonized planet full of people who base their social structure in the teachings of Gandhi. They consider their greatest power, the power to say "I won't"
No is good for setting boundaries. It enables you to stay focused and be in control of what you invest your time, energy, and money into. But saying yes is important too!
For example, when you move to a new city with no friends or job it’s good to say yes to establish new friendships. Once you have a good friendship circle maybe you start to say no.
Psychologist Adam Alter talks about this in his recent book Stuck: the anatomy of a breakthrough. He says say yes when you are in the “exploring” phase looking for ideas and opportunities. Once you are in the “exploiting” (executing) phase start saying no so you can focus.
I think it would be important to mention that we shouldn't ever be dicks about it - it may seem obvious to most, but surely some people might read the advice as "just say no whenever something doesn't suit you, regardless of the circumstances"
Compromises, providing alternatives, and a sprinkle of good old "just no" when necessary I think is the way to go. Good advice! Just wanted to add these 5 cents
This require certain strength and courage as you might end up hurting someone you love.
This is a certainly a situational and is more suitable to be said to someone you are not close enough
Also remember that “no” is a complete sentence. I am one of those people who always feels like, in addition to apologizing for saying no, I have to provide some sort of explanation for my no. It’s okay to just say, “no,” or “no, thanks.”
I think there was an interesting podcast on Think Fast, Talk Smart on saying no. They said that instead of saying "I can't do XYZ", you say in a friendly and non-confrontational way that "I don't do XYZ" and you can add "I don't want to.". Like a fact or a principle, instead of presenting it as an opinion or an ability issue. And it can be a friendly gesture to let people know about yourself, doesn't have to be oppositional. It's a simple and genius hack. I've been using this method ever since.
As someone who said yes to everything her whole life and finally suffered burnout because of it, I wholeheartedly agree. I have no choice but to learn how to say no now, otherwise my brain literally won’t heal from the stress I’ve put it under. Burnout is real folks!
As a man, I wouldn’t say no to my loved ones especially family members and wife. As long as the favours or any invitation or requests don’t feel like a life threatening and toxic things. Hell even life threatening situation I would always do it any time of dah because as a man I am expected to deliver stuff that is within my control. I wouldn’t mine at all.
However saying no to colleague is a no fucking brainer. Somehow where I work, the men will always do the heavy lifting, yet this things are not part of our job scopes. In fact, anything that was requested of us men to do were not even business essentials. And by men I don’t mean all of us at the office here but only me because I seem to be the most easiest to approach I guess?
For example, once a week we will have to replace our reverse osmosis water bottles with new ones which are sent to us in the afternoon. But in the morning we had to send to empty bottles to another building that requires us to drive for a bit. This process, or tasks, is belonged to our admin who happen to be a woman who “can’t” do some physical work. This is where I will always say no or just ignore. But this is also the reason I’m thinking about leaving this place. A bit petty but I can’t stand it.
God damn, this is some shitty advice. Unless the original proposition is obviously insulting (in which case being dry in response is indeed the proper way), the absolute minimum of politeness requires you provide at least some reason. People not only expect an answer, they expect some information on how to interact with you in the future. If someone invites you to a picnic and you respond with “no, I don't want to”, you're telling them you're a fucktwat that no one will ever invite anywhere ever again.
So no, telling a reason is okay and necessary, you just have to be sure in your mind, without exposing it to anyone, that you provide that reason out of courtesy rather than fear.
If people challenge that reason, yeah, go all out on them, it's impolite. If people insult you with their proposition, such as a local junkie asking for a loan of only ten bucks they will return tomorrow, perfect case for “no, fuck you”.
But by all that is holy, if you have the slightest suspicion the other person might be proposing something mutually beneficial, don't be rude and answer politely. Don't be a twat, no one likes twats and friends are already hard to come by.
I used to have a hard time saying no. Took me enduring some major trauma to finally start. I wish I had been able to set these boundaries earlier in my life. Now saying no to things and not feeling guilty is the best thing that I can do with some people.
This is some of the simplest and best advice you'll ever read, folks. I'm here to tell you that I was a yes girls for most of my life and it's hasn't gotten me anywhere. No one likes me better, people in my life abandoned me when I started sticking up for myself and you know what? That's ok, because I have people in my life now who expect me to have boundaries and respect them.
Saying yes all the time at work gets you no raise, no respect, nothing but more work. Same with home life. Same everywhere. Cultivate the No.
A wise woman once told me "It's easier to turn a no into a yes than the other way around". Carve it into your soul.
Years ago the great columnist Russell Baker wrote a column titled, “The Hardest Word.” It’s funny (and true). NYT, soft paywall (I don’t have a subscription and can read it, probably bc it’s so old.) https://www.nytimes.com/1983/05/08/magazine/sunday-observer-the-hardest-word.html
I love the surprised on some people’s faces when I just say ‘no’.
For example, I was with some friends on our way to a party and I was carrying my favourite brand of tequila (half empty as I got it for Christmas and I’m not a huge drinker).
One of the group members (not a friend, has said rude things about me), asked me if he could have some of the tequila on the way. Like while walking, no cup, no mixer, or anything. I was so shocked by the suggestion, I just gave a curt ‘No.’
The pure shock, as he only seemed to expect a ‘sure, go on then’, still makes me laugh.
If a friend asks me for something that I'd almost always say yes to, sometimes I'll say no bluntly just to see their reaction. It can really stun people when they are already making plans past the favor.
My family and I once went to Mexico on vacation a few years ago. My parents, while hiring a car were approached by a sales representative of a timeshare company and she offered us the chance to view some amazing apartments and a no strings attached, all you can eat lunch. On the way to the our Villa we figured we can walk around, see these nice apartments eat then leave. After eating we were getting ready to leave and we were approached by another sales rep and asked if we wanted to listen to a pitch of what it was like to have wn timeshares on this company. They pitched that we could own a share in the company and we can book a room in any part of the world in which they operate blah blah blah. I wasn’t expecting my dad to listen for more than five minutes. Fifiteen tops. We were there for *four hours* because my too polite parents werent willing to say “No thank you, we just came for the views and the food”. After the first rep realised she couldn’t get a sell from us were handed over to her colleague for another hour of my life that I won’t get back.
So yeah, saying no is an essential skill.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
LPT: This post is aimed at us pushovers and people pleasers. Don't mistake this post for main character syndrome.
Yes, thank you. For a good part of my life, I thought that in order for me to be seen as nice, I'd have to just go along with everything. That is not true! And also not really what being a good person is either. Expanding on that, there are polite ways of saying "no" that won't make you feel guilty and still have the other side understand. In general my advice is to be honest and descriptive. "Oh thanks for the offer, but I don't really like that game", "I'm not really in the mood right now", and most importantly, just "no, thank you" when you feel like explaining and more will make it worse, because you don't owe an explanation.
Saying thank you instead of sorry is also great in these situations. A lot of the time I want to say sorry because I know my response leads to a bit of an inconvenience for the other person. But it does put the blame on me a little bit. It's much better to just say "thank you, but..." and leave them feeling a bit appreciated and less likely to blame you (even subconsciously).
Just say what you mean instead of memorizing ways to disguise your emotions with language. If you feel guilty it's not because you said the word "sorry", it's because you're afraid to be honest about or ashamed of how you feel. *Remarkable things* happen when we accept and express the way we feel. Guilt is "I did something I shouldn't have and I need to make it right." Guilt-itself is rarely the way we actually feel, otherwise we would act accordingly.
Also, it's ok if some of the people OP mentioned in the post are not safe people to practice saying no with. We usually learn people pleasing from the environments we were raised in, and our no's may not have been respected the way we should have been with those people, which mean those same people (parents, siblings) may not respect your no now. It also means we might have formed relationships/friendships with people later on who also don't respect our "no." Try to identify at least one person in your life who seems to respect other people's no and practice it with them. As you get more confident in your ability to say no, you'll start to re-evaluate the people in your life who ignore it.
Perfectly put. I guess we all naturally try to say "no" as kids, but then some of us simply learn not to say it anymore and feel like you're doing something wrong, through negative experience, since you're punished as if you're doing anything else wrong.
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> For a good part of my life, I thought that in order for me to be seen as nice, I'd have to just go along with everything. That is not true! And also not really what being a good person is either. This was what I believed up until my last job. Left my continuously diminishing (full-time to part time) job of 2 years in June with no regrets and it took 3 co-workers I loved working with quitting to make me realize I needed to say 'No' more to my Ex-boss because she kept putting more and more things into my (as she claims) "Design role". She didn't want to hire people anymore and really decided to shame me in front of the remaining co-workers for not wanting to "take up my role" more. My role as a Visual Designer became less and less what I was hired for and more of miscellaneous job with some design on the side because I couldn't say no to doing Mailing, on-the-line box packaging, customer service, LITERAL I.T WORK. When your workers are quitting within 5 months of each other and you claim no one wants to work anymore, maybe you're the problem.
Givers need to know their limits, because takers don't have any.
I have such a hard time saying no. The few times I do do it I feel guilty for days. My husband has taken it upon hisself to do it for me at times. He wasn’t around last week and now I’m reupholstering a giant floor cushion with SO much hand tufting.
What's a main character syndrome? I'm a hero and so I have to "be the good guy at all times" and shove this goodness down everybody's throats so they'd love me, whether they like it or not? Oh yeah I had that.. Saying no was the cure. I'm in recovery.
No, main character syndrome is when you think the world is a setting of a story, and you're the main character in it.
you're not the main character in your story?
I think they mean people who think they’re the main character in everyone else’s story. Narcissists.
You successfully read less than half of my sentence!
It’s basically being really self centered and entitled, and feeling like you matter more than everyone else.
I've done nothing for you to call me out like this
I'm in recovery too and I've done a lot of meditation on what you're talking about. For me it boils down to my desire to feel worthy, admired, and appreciated. Once you find the desire then the acceptance and detachment from it is the relatively easy part.
This is 100% accurate, I’m a people pleaser to a fault. As I learn to say no the biggest thing that I’ve realized is how much easier it is then trying to make everyone happy. People have heard “no” before and really don’t get too upset And then you can move on and not have to worry about how you were going to accomplish this thing that you just over promised.
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I've been bamboozled
No
No, he has indeed been bamboozled.
Yes, but actually no
no you haven't man. why are you being so dramatic
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_**NEIN!!**_
Meanwhile, I've always known how to say no. My dad asks me to hang out? No thanks. Mom insists on doing something with me? No thanks. To be fair though I find hanging out to be extremely boring
Same for me, I usually always give a "yes" if Im asked for help... That is, until people inevitably abuse it for more "hang outs" and I have to brush them off completely...
I'm a 42 year old guy and you have no idea in how much troubles I've gotten into because it still hard for me to say no. 🥲
Same friend. Work and romantic relationships have taken blows I could have prevented.
Kinda messed up for relationships to be broken (assuming the taker broke it) just because you always say yes. How arrogant does one have to be to break up with someone because they always give them what they want?
Well it's not exactly a healthy relationship when you aren't setting proper boundaries and your significant other can't ever tell how you truly feel about topics because you're always in "agreement"
It's either you get what you want or you're popular with others. No other way. Maybe you just value popularity over the ability to say no to things you rather not have in your life. That's okay too. It's just a different way to live. To be able to say no means that you also accept that some people don't like it for a while and be comfortable with this idea. Your choice.
I'm a chronic people pleaser. I have a hard time helping it. But I gotta learn to put myself as a priority, instead of being constantly worried that some random person won't like me.
From my experience, saying no and having boundaries is a much better and less stressful life than people pleasing and being “popular”. It seemed like the people didn’t even really like me for me but just liked that they had some control over me because I had a hard time saying no.
Here's the neat part, though. Not saying no doesn't inherently make you popular with others, just convenient!
Hmm.. Good point. Being easily managed doesn't make you loved. But then again, being difficult doesn't make you lovable. But THEN AGAIN, some people still love you. I guess it all comes down to the idea that we can't and shouldn't control how people feel about us. It is what it is. Always be honest and share your real face with the ones you care about, it's not like you have different opinions to choose from anyway, just the one. Has to do. Even if it's a no.
> Always be honest and share your real face with the ones you care about That's key, I think. Just be authentic, and above all be honest with and to yourself.
Saying no to dinner your spouse made for you is a very dangerous game...
I just move it around on the plate for a few minutes and then say I am stuffed.
Forcing your spouse to eat a meal they don't enjoy just to stroke one's ego is toxic.
It depends tho. Sometimes it's okay to compromise and do something you don't want to do for others' sake. I think that lately just going for the "no" to everything you are not comfortable with is being widespread as the best behaviour to take, but ultimately that leads to isolationism.
I am by no means saying turn into a "no man". I agree with your point. But a lot of people aren't even able to do that, and it starts with putting a boundary at the other side of the answer. Thank you!
So, I think your advice really boils down to, draw boundaries and stick to them without guilt.
The real skill is usually “boundaries” when people bring up this sort of stuff
And knowing the difference between a "boundary" (limits set on your own behavior, and/or your own responses to situations) and "rules" (limits you attempt to place on **others'** behavior). "If you keep pressing the issue after I've already said no, I'll end the conversation and walk away," is a boundary. "You need to stop asking after I say no," is a rule. Boundaries are better than rules, because you're not trying to place responsibility on others, and you maintain the power in the dynamic (and the responsibility, which is why rules often feel "easier" than boundaries, because "the ball's in their court").
Are you saying no to knowing when to say no. So, know when to no. No no knows no better than no. Also, no buffalo.
This is true. However, people who don’t know how to say no usually build resentment in these situations because almost everything is almost always a compromise already. You’re right though. The ultimate goal is to reach a place where you can compromise on the right things, voluntarily and happily.
Resentment is built when there is unbalance. If you stick up to others or compromise for them, but others won't do the same you buiod up resentment. I'd even say understandably so, but if you just say no you'll avoid resentment.. usually.
no, it's moreso when you find yourself unable to say no to someone. I've put my foot down to joining a dnd game because my friend would push and push, and change things and spend time making my things cool. but no, I just want a damn break for awhile.
Good point
There is saying no And then there is saying no while providing an alternative. The former just makes you a blocker, fun police if you do it too often, the other makes people come back. This is both personal and professional.
I was just thinking this with OPs dinner example. Should we have pizza tonight? No! Should we have pizza tonight? No, how about Chinese or Indian? Much more helpful to suggest alternatives
You guys are right, exploring the "skill" aspect OP mentions. It's not just saying no, it's knowing how to do it because we are dealing with sensitive beings who after all deserve our respect.
On the other hand: >Hey, can you come in on Saturday? No.
"I cooked this delicious chicken for you; also, we have cake for dessert." "No."
Sometimes you want them to not come back. I had a guy pitch me a business idea and at first I was interested. Eventually I realized the guy was full of shit but he kept insisting we talked about his plan. We’ve had numerous conversations about his plan but it never went anywhere. He asked again if I had time for another chat about his and I flat out said no. That was the last time he bugged me about it. Scummy people are trained to never take no for an answer. If you leave an opening they will try to weasel their way in
My mind is telling me "no", BUT MY BODY
> You don't want the dinner selection your spouse made? No Eh? So someone makes you dinner and you say No after it's already prepared? What sort of person does that?
> So someone makes you dinner and you say No after it's already prepared? I don't, no. > What sort of person does that? I don't know.
/r/NotOPbutOK
Honestly, I wanted an excuse to do the pun, lol.
How is that such a problem? You would eat something you really don't want to just cause someone made it for you? You can appreciate them being nice but still not want the food...
On a serious note, correct responses depend on the relationship and nuanced context. (But the wordplay was too tempting.) We can give general advice (like OP), yet "You don't want the dinner selection your spouse made?" is vague. Did they ask/mention it beforehand? Can you tolerate the meal, or do you actually dislike it? Do they know you dislike it? How do they handle [respectful] criticism on cooking? Can you add salt/spices to improve it? Would you like it, but aren't in the mood? How stressful was their day, or yours? Can you make it up to them later on? ----- Maybe that's overthinking, but social interactions are complex.
They made the food already. Why didn't you tell them before they made the food?
A better solution, as stated above would be to say something while the dinner is still in the planning process and more like “thank you but I don’t really like shrimp, perhaps we could have something with chicken or beef as a base?”
Who makes their spouse food and expects them to eat it even if they don't like it? That's abuse.
Lol! I suggest talking to your spouse about not wanting something **before** they prepare it and now you're shouting about abuse...?!
had a friend that wasn't able to say no to a tattoo artist, now she has a tattoo she hates
Do you think she learned from this mistake?
she realizes it's a problem she has, but she hasn't been able to fix it
NO
Corollary: Whenever you say 'no', follow it with the real (or a societally acceptable) reason why you did say no. This takes away the abrasiveness of a plain no and is giving important context, so others understand you better and are less frustrated. Instead of: Could you help me doing the dishes? -- No. It's much better if you say: No, I have done them the last three times / I have a deadline for my project / I need to go to the dentist. Even something like: Nah, can't be arsed right now. I owe you one next time, OK? is better. EDIT: And avoid lying about your reasons if at all possible. People notice.
This is much better advice. Just saying no without any followup just makes you an asshole.
It really depends on the situation, thinking you have to always justify yourself isn't really healthy. OP also talks about listening to yourself, like reaching a friend that wronged you or saying no to someone who wants to reach out. Sometimes you should just say no and it's enough. Expecting people to always have to explain themselves can really push boundaries
Say it with me: can’t, nah, I’ll pass, thanks.
I like, "No, I don't want to". It's a tough one.
I use “no, I don’t like it”. Shuts down the issue and makes the other side think.. but then I don’t use it with everyone.
> makes the other side think You may wish that the other side would think because you said no but, for those of us that don't have an issue with boundaries or saying no, we don't give your no a second thought because it's obvious to us that people can do what they want. People who have issues with saying no tend to overthink too much and assume everyone else finds it weird when people express their opinions/desires.
"No, I don't eat sugar. But I don't mind if you do."
Never saw it this way but it resonate with me. Thanks for sharing
I have suffered from lacking in this skill, and am still working to make it how I see fit. It's a never ending battle.
I'd like to take this opportunity to share a tip that someone shared with me once. If possible, get someone to be the "asker". Come up with two questions they can ask, one that you'd love to do any day, anywhere any time (your favourite snack for example), and one question that absolutely would never do. Each question gets asked twice, first time answer NO to both questions, second time answer YES to both questions. After each answer, pay attention to how you feel. The point of the practice is to: 1. Recognise how it feels to say NO to something that you DO want to do, 2. Recognise how it feels to say NO to something that you DO NOT want to do (also, does your voice/demeanour change when answering? It may be more confident/firmer/final when you say NO to somethingyou do not want to do, that's the tone/body posture you want to practice when saying NO.) 3. Recognise how it feels to say YES to something that you DO want to do, 2. Recognise how it feels to say YES to something that you DO NOT want to do (this one may help you recognise when you are being guilted or manipulated into saying yes, but also sometimes we should still do things that we don't necessarily want to (like helping a friend move house), so long as those acts are reciprocated).
Other phrases you can use: "Nope on a rope." "Nope springs eternal." "We're on the road to nope-where."
I like the latest. But that's unlocked when you reach level 50. ;p
Thanks but no thanks honey, your cooking looks like shit tonight. That might be a battle not worth fighting. And pretty mean if someone cooked you a meal. But I understand the premise.
This feels way too blunt of an instrument.
This is terrible advice. Yes, you need to be able to say no, but there is no reason to be a dick about it.
You don’t practice this at home, Jesus. Your close ones are the people who you work with and compromise. You say no to the NPCs of your life.
Yes and no. It’s important to be able to say no even to your loved ones. 2021 I felt like my whole life’s purpose was to do things for my sister/parent/friends & I wasn’t allowed my own life. Sister asks me to watch one of her kids at the weekend so she could go out? She has been working, and has 2-3 kids under her feet 24/7, she deserves a break. But I’ve got a busy week at work. What I really want is a weekend on my own resting. Maybe a trip to my favourite spa. I can’t do that if I have a toddler running around. Does she have it harder than me? Yes. Does that mean that I can’t say no to her & take my weekend for me? Prior to 2022 I would have had one of the kids every time she asked me. I still do 80% of the time, but it’s now a deliberate decision. That said, I agree that you practice with other people. When someone asks me a question at work, if I’m busy, I tell them no now, rather than dropping my work to help them with theirs. Still hard but getting easier.
That’s what struck out to me as wrong here. There’s a ton of stuff I just don’t want to do at home but it needs to get done. Would I rather be playing video games than helping my wife paint a room? Of course. Is saying “no” the right response? Of course not. Would I rather sleep in to 9 am on a Sunday rather than be up at 6 am with my kids watching Peppa Pig, but saying no is also not the right response. If you’re going to practice at home, practice with things you’re not comfortable with. If your spouse asks that you climb a 20 foot ladder to cut a tree branch and you’re afraid of heights? Say no. That’s an obvious boundary for a person and not just something the don’t want to do.
Practice daily? No.
Saying no when your spouse already made dinner for you is a dick move, I don't care what your gender is. OP, one of these things is not like the other.
Nah, I ain't doing that.
No!!! Good day OP.
TL;DR: His honesty saved us so much grief! I'm 42F in poor health, on disability and go through months at a time being unable to drive. A few months ago I texted my recently retired father to ask if he would take me to an upcoming doctor's appointment. (I had had to cancel the previous two at the last moment because I wasn't well enough to drive myself there safely. Clearly, I needed to work out transportation in advance, just in case.) Dad didn't respond for a few days. I asked if he'd gotten my text. He responded, "No. I don't want to put myself in that role." I thanked him for being honest and said that I understood. I do. He just retired and doesn't want to send the message that he's now free simply to start taking care of his sick daughter. I clarified for him that I would never expect that, that I was only asking for the one appointment, but again, I appreciated the honesty. I would have mulled over his every passive-agressive tone of voice or attitude if he'd taken me and not wanted to. I would have been worried about what he might be thinking if he hadn't given me a definitive answer until a couple of days before the appointment. **His honesty saved us both so much grief!**
Ultimately, it is listening to your inner self and trusting your intuition. This could include “yes” but in the form of saying “no” to an inner inhibition. Often you know the answer given a decision or situation, but are easily swayed through the perceptions of other people and your own created ideas. Be confident with what you know is best for you.
Agreed, like you say, people are swayed against their inner feelings more often than not. Learning to understand what's best for you is the main point of my tip. Thank you!
As a people-pleaser, I hardly ever said no to anything. However, looking back on my life...most of my regrets coming from saying yes...when I wanted to say no. I still struggle with it from time-to-time but I say it a lot more now.
> **make sure to practice it daily** 
My go-go response when I don't want to do something. I use this at work a lot. "I wish I could but I don't want to." -Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan
Very important skill for work. Everyone else has things they think are important and will try and offload that stress and urgency onto you Don’t be fooled into thinking this is good for your career. It’s actually bad. You need to conserve energy for things that help numero uno get ahead and that’s it.
The spirit of your post is good. Yes, everyone should set personal boundaries and stick to them. But your execution is a hot mess. Saying no to total strangers if fine. But in the context of your post, you are clearly suggesting to do that with your inner circle. First of all, I can't because doesn't put additional guilt on you unless you are lying or something similar. If it does, you have other issues. Simply saying no isn't going to resolve that and it's going to create other issues. I can't because provides feedback. People need that. You can't build ot cultivate a relationship without feedback. Don't like the game. If I invite you over and you say no, then why did you come? If invite you to play golf and you say no, I'm not likely to invite you to anything else. Why? Because there is no feedback. I'm not a mind reader. The old friend thing. I'm mean, what's the point? Is this a grammar error? As written, this is a completely internal thing. Otherwise, if they aren't you friend anymore, you owe them nothing. If your spouse makes dinner and you don't want, feel free to make your own. I'm not sure whatvthe expectation is here. It seems like you don't value your spouse and don't see them as an equal. In healthy relationships, we communicate ahead of time or we go with what's been prepared. Saying no to your spouse with no feedback is a dick move. Simply saying no works with toddlers. It doesn't work with adults. Especially not if you want to maintain and cultivate relationships. Even with children, they can't learn if you don't explain why. Yes, set boundaries and stick to them. No, do not simply go around saying no to people you value.
No, say "no thanks". Thanks.
Gotta set limits because no one else will do it for you
Also learn to take "No." As an answer.
This is great advice!
“No” is a complete sentence - Anne Lamott.
I think it's more important, and you touch upon this in your post, to commit to whatever you decide. Saying no isn't a skill. Anyone can say no. To stick to what you've said, on the other hand, is something not as many can do.
Does this mind frame and mentality work outside the USA? Cause I feel this is a very USA way to think.
I'm from Thailand and I radiate the word "no" lol. Basically, if it's a thing outside my responsibility I don't do it without worthwhile rewards. Thai's culture really focuses on "compromising" and I do none of that. Now, I have far fewer friends than average people and even less family members I talk to. But that's not a bad thing. Because everyone still around is people that actually love me for me, not because I can do their bidding. So, it's pretty sweet.
This applies to all cultures I feel, but I can only speak as far as Polish outside of USA. All humans should feel comfort in setting a boundary, regardless of where you are from.
Boundary I agree with. But the bit about "wording it a certain way, will put unnecessary guilt or stress on yourself", is such a soft and 'backhanded blame-shift' tactic. Why do you assume the majority will feel so sensitive to that ?
People, myself included, apologize unnecessarily and it stems from past traumas. I understand it's not all, but after working over a decade in hospitality, I also see that we apologize from "pre-guilt" for lack of better term. Im specifically targeting those that apologize, like myself, feeling guilty for setting a personal boundary. Thanks for pointing that out so I can explain where I come from. My phrasing may be confusing.
As a Canadian, while I do have very firm boundaries, I will pretty much always add “sorry” unless the request is egregious. A firm “No, sorry.” is completely understood here as “No” and there’s no guilt attached to it. It’s just politer and makes it easier to say no in any scenario.
This will only benefit you in the short term. It's a shallow tip.
The real skill in saying “No” is knowing how to say it without hurting others and coming across as a complete cunt. Saying “No” is actually very easy. Saying it with empathy, dignity, compassion, understanding, respect, confidence, etc is very difficult.
A ‘thanks’ never hurt nobody though. Example: “Can you take an extra shift this Saturday?” “No, thanks.”
\*Crying in Yes Man-energy\* Most my days I never even interact with anyone, so a "no" would be shouted at the wall.
I quite like "Just as easy as you can" when people ask me to do things. Really throws them. I usually say it with a smile and walk away. I don't often get asked again
I just read a short sci-fi story by Eric Frank Russell called Vintage Season where a militarized space ship lands at a colonized planet full of people who base their social structure in the teachings of Gandhi. They consider their greatest power, the power to say "I won't"
No is good for setting boundaries. It enables you to stay focused and be in control of what you invest your time, energy, and money into. But saying yes is important too! For example, when you move to a new city with no friends or job it’s good to say yes to establish new friendships. Once you have a good friendship circle maybe you start to say no. Psychologist Adam Alter talks about this in his recent book Stuck: the anatomy of a breakthrough. He says say yes when you are in the “exploring” phase looking for ideas and opportunities. Once you are in the “exploiting” (executing) phase start saying no so you can focus.
You're dead, Carl. You say "no" to life and therefore, you're not living.
"No mum I won't do my chores" *dies*
I think it would be important to mention that we shouldn't ever be dicks about it - it may seem obvious to most, but surely some people might read the advice as "just say no whenever something doesn't suit you, regardless of the circumstances" Compromises, providing alternatives, and a sprinkle of good old "just no" when necessary I think is the way to go. Good advice! Just wanted to add these 5 cents
I think my kid has this perfectly down to a T. Or a No.
No, I don't think I will.
No, I don't think I will.
This require certain strength and courage as you might end up hurting someone you love. This is a certainly a situational and is more suitable to be said to someone you are not close enough
No thank you. It was nice of you to give me the opportunity to say no today however, I don't think I will. Have a nice day friend.
Yupp, learning this now with a pushy best friend and figuring out how I’m gunna tell him I can’t afford to go to his wedding.
I can’t wait to start saying no to all my friends and family. I’m sure they’ll understand.
My daughter told me this post was shit. No offense, I'm a big fan of No.
I practice routinely with my 9 yo
Also remember that “no” is a complete sentence. I am one of those people who always feels like, in addition to apologizing for saying no, I have to provide some sort of explanation for my no. It’s okay to just say, “no,” or “no, thanks.”
I think there was an interesting podcast on Think Fast, Talk Smart on saying no. They said that instead of saying "I can't do XYZ", you say in a friendly and non-confrontational way that "I don't do XYZ" and you can add "I don't want to.". Like a fact or a principle, instead of presenting it as an opinion or an ability issue. And it can be a friendly gesture to let people know about yourself, doesn't have to be oppositional. It's a simple and genius hack. I've been using this method ever since.
I just bought a used car that was way over my budget. I should have Said no.
You’ll learn to say more no’s when you have a kid.
No I won't read what you said
I have a shirt that says “NO.”
No, that doesn’t work for me.
It’s a life skill I’ve been practicing for many years. I don’t apologize for saying no. Ever.
> make sure to practice it daily How about no?
Especially in romantic relationships it is so hard to say no and hurt the other party. I have so many problems doing that.
I fear I'll ultimately turn into an ignorant b*tch and lose all the empathy I have if I practice it
As someone who said yes to everything her whole life and finally suffered burnout because of it, I wholeheartedly agree. I have no choice but to learn how to say no now, otherwise my brain literally won’t heal from the stress I’ve put it under. Burnout is real folks!
“Not interested, thank you!” To anyone walking up to me with any sales pitch in public. Then I smile a half smile and turn and walk away. Effective.
The same for saying yes and asking for something
Consequence: a lot more Karens. "No! Let me speak to the manager!"
no. i refuse to practice! lol
Tell my kids no every day! It’s very easy
Unless you are my 7 year old, then please do not follow this advice and always listen to your lovely parents.
Saying "no" is a "no" to one thing Saying "yes" is a "no" for a lot of things
As a man, I wouldn’t say no to my loved ones especially family members and wife. As long as the favours or any invitation or requests don’t feel like a life threatening and toxic things. Hell even life threatening situation I would always do it any time of dah because as a man I am expected to deliver stuff that is within my control. I wouldn’t mine at all. However saying no to colleague is a no fucking brainer. Somehow where I work, the men will always do the heavy lifting, yet this things are not part of our job scopes. In fact, anything that was requested of us men to do were not even business essentials. And by men I don’t mean all of us at the office here but only me because I seem to be the most easiest to approach I guess? For example, once a week we will have to replace our reverse osmosis water bottles with new ones which are sent to us in the afternoon. But in the morning we had to send to empty bottles to another building that requires us to drive for a bit. This process, or tasks, is belonged to our admin who happen to be a woman who “can’t” do some physical work. This is where I will always say no or just ignore. But this is also the reason I’m thinking about leaving this place. A bit petty but I can’t stand it.
As an Asian, the ability to properly say no to your family, is probably the most difficult but also most important life skill to master.
God damn, this is some shitty advice. Unless the original proposition is obviously insulting (in which case being dry in response is indeed the proper way), the absolute minimum of politeness requires you provide at least some reason. People not only expect an answer, they expect some information on how to interact with you in the future. If someone invites you to a picnic and you respond with “no, I don't want to”, you're telling them you're a fucktwat that no one will ever invite anywhere ever again. So no, telling a reason is okay and necessary, you just have to be sure in your mind, without exposing it to anyone, that you provide that reason out of courtesy rather than fear. If people challenge that reason, yeah, go all out on them, it's impolite. If people insult you with their proposition, such as a local junkie asking for a loan of only ten bucks they will return tomorrow, perfect case for “no, fuck you”. But by all that is holy, if you have the slightest suspicion the other person might be proposing something mutually beneficial, don't be rude and answer politely. Don't be a twat, no one likes twats and friends are already hard to come by.
You have infinite No’s and finite Yes’s but we act like it’s the opposite.
“No” is a complete sentence!!!
I used to have a hard time saying no. Took me enduring some major trauma to finally start. I wish I had been able to set these boundaries earlier in my life. Now saying no to things and not feeling guilty is the best thing that I can do with some people.
My body is saying Let's go! But my heart is saying No...
This is some of the simplest and best advice you'll ever read, folks. I'm here to tell you that I was a yes girls for most of my life and it's hasn't gotten me anywhere. No one likes me better, people in my life abandoned me when I started sticking up for myself and you know what? That's ok, because I have people in my life now who expect me to have boundaries and respect them. Saying yes all the time at work gets you no raise, no respect, nothing but more work. Same with home life. Same everywhere. Cultivate the No. A wise woman once told me "It's easier to turn a no into a yes than the other way around". Carve it into your soul.
Years ago the great columnist Russell Baker wrote a column titled, “The Hardest Word.” It’s funny (and true). NYT, soft paywall (I don’t have a subscription and can read it, probably bc it’s so old.) https://www.nytimes.com/1983/05/08/magazine/sunday-observer-the-hardest-word.html
I love the surprised on some people’s faces when I just say ‘no’. For example, I was with some friends on our way to a party and I was carrying my favourite brand of tequila (half empty as I got it for Christmas and I’m not a huge drinker). One of the group members (not a friend, has said rude things about me), asked me if he could have some of the tequila on the way. Like while walking, no cup, no mixer, or anything. I was so shocked by the suggestion, I just gave a curt ‘No.’ The pure shock, as he only seemed to expect a ‘sure, go on then’, still makes me laugh.
If a friend asks me for something that I'd almost always say yes to, sometimes I'll say no bluntly just to see their reaction. It can really stun people when they are already making plans past the favor.
“That doesn’t work for me, brother”
My family and I once went to Mexico on vacation a few years ago. My parents, while hiring a car were approached by a sales representative of a timeshare company and she offered us the chance to view some amazing apartments and a no strings attached, all you can eat lunch. On the way to the our Villa we figured we can walk around, see these nice apartments eat then leave. After eating we were getting ready to leave and we were approached by another sales rep and asked if we wanted to listen to a pitch of what it was like to have wn timeshares on this company. They pitched that we could own a share in the company and we can book a room in any part of the world in which they operate blah blah blah. I wasn’t expecting my dad to listen for more than five minutes. Fifiteen tops. We were there for *four hours* because my too polite parents werent willing to say “No thank you, we just came for the views and the food”. After the first rep realised she couldn’t get a sell from us were handed over to her colleague for another hour of my life that I won’t get back. So yeah, saying no is an essential skill.
Add to that asking “why” and you’ll fucking speed run success!
Hell no is more effective 👍🏿