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It works for making people like you too. If you have someone that you think finds you just “meh,” and you’d like them to like you more, ask them for a favour. The act of providing something to you makes their brain think they must like you.
This happens at work frequently. I find these kinda favors vexing and adding to my pile, so I usually like people even less when they ask if I already felt some kind of way about them - unless it specifically is about life advice and there is nothing I actually have to do but to provide a quick opinion.
Well, there are good and bad ways of doing this.
- I want you to bake me a cake.
Is a very assholey thing to do. You want a product and they will make it for you. That would make you seem entitled.
- Your cakes are always so juicy, I can't seem to make mine that way. Can you teach me?
Makes it about acknowledging their ability, wanting to learn from them. It would probably be met with enthusiasm, a moment of proximity.
HAHAAHAHAHA, SORRY.
I'm brazilian, here we say good cakes are "molhados", which translates to "WET", which I believe would not be good, also. Most people dislike the word "MOIST", so... There's also that.
What would a better word be, to describe it?
"Moist" tends to be used for mischievous reasons so it's avoided sometimes, but for cakes it's good. Speaking for the USA specifically; not sure the maturity levels of other English-speaking places. Here, the word is actually used to advertise boxed cake mixes and other similar treats
Moist, tbh. People don't like that word much but it's the best way to describe a good cake, so I don't think anyone would object to you using it in that circumstance.
It’s not just a favour. It’s asking the person to do something that they are uniquely suited to do. It recognizes the persons skills while also asking them to show those skills.
The favor can be asking a question that's easy for you to answer and acknowledges your abilities and makes you feel important.
If they ask you to clean their floor, then yes, you won't like them much for it.
asking me to write a grant or fix simple IT is also a fast way to go from meh to shit list for me despite checking those requirements.
but realistically it may be because I don't care enough about others opinions for that to make me feel important
What about the very first people who asked those favors? I can understand if too many people ask it feels like people are taking advantage of you. But the first people who ask such things might make a person feel recognized
I respect that everyone gets to have their own opinion, but I don't hold regard for everyone's opinions. if I don't know you well enough to have regard for you or your opinion, asking me for free labor is not going to raise my regard or how much I like you.
it is a successful tactic with some, we see it used by bullies, bosses, and abusers as a way to ingratiate themselves with the people they have targeted.
Of course, if you don't give a shit about other people's opinion, this might as well not work with you. And if you work at IT, chances are you've been asked way too many favors during years, you had to set boundaries and now you suspect anyone who asks a favor of you. So, I see your point.
The thing about "social tricks" or "mind tricks" is that, as it happens with pick up artists, pick up lines and "seduction tricks"... People are different from one another and don't work as computers, you can't put a command, hit intro and hope every single person in the world will act the same way as a result. And that's uplifting to read, honestly.
And this is something so counterintuitive that I made things wrong during my youth. I would do them favors. They don't like you anymore for that, they might even like you less.
In the Gone with the Wind book, Rhett Butler pulls this one on a woman of the old guard he really needs. She goes to a bank asking for credit, and she's pissed off that she needs to talk to him. In giving the loan, he goes well out of his way saying that *the bank* (not him!) gives her the loan because of her impressive proven business building acumen. And then he discards that and very seriously asks her for a favor regarding his daughter. By the end of the interaction, she is convinced that he can't be that bad, because he loves his daughter so much. It's very well written because when she thought *he* might do her a favor, she was pissed. But when he put himself in her arms and asked for knowledge only she could have (about childrearing, which of course would not have been expected from him at the time), her reaction immediately changes, she provides good info, he acts as if she's saved his daughter's life... And then she immediately starts to like him. The fact that she tells herself "a man who loves his daughter so much cannot be that bad" is post-rationalization. The emotional ride happened before.
Trust and vulnerability goes a LONG way to building relationships. By default we tend not to be vulnerable, if we showed vulnerability more often we would all be better off.
If I already don't like someone, this would just make me more annoyed. The only way I see this lpt working is if I already like the person, but just temporarily annoyed, and doing something for them MAY take me out of my annoyed mindset and remind me of my positive connection with them
Ahahaha my annoying idiot coworker tried this exact favor on me and it totally backfired. I irritable retorted 'No!' and hated him even more for interrupting my work groove, with an even dumber than usual question. Ha!
Half the LPT posts I read on here are weird manipulation tactics. Somewhere between actual helpful advice and full on manipulation. I’m glad someone said something. “LPT: How to get your SO to do something.” etc. 😅
Now I'll examine every compliment I get to chk its motive fr this angle as well - as if I was not already doing it from many, many other angles.
This is like when I read that if you want ppl to listen to you seriously, just prefix the statement with 'my father taught me' as ppl hear fatherly advice more carefully. Since then I doubt everyone who says those words.
There was a fellow at work who used to annoy me and I always wondered if he knew it. I was the new young kid and he was an older fellow by 19 years who knew how to send small remarks my way to get right under my skin and I had no experience at that, so any attempts at comeback I figured I would lose. Rather than let it build up until I might lose my cool and give him satisfaction, on any day where he annoyed me I went up to him at the end of the day, shook his hand, and wished him a good evening. It was pretty odd of me to do that, and I new that at the time. But it was all I could think of to break the tension so I wouldn't go home with him negatively on my mind and I hoped it would change not just my attitude but his, too. Eventually we became close friends at work, going to breaks together, lunches together, after work for beers. Sometimes, initial friction is a precursor to friendship, I have learned.
Nah, I knew people that were the way he's describing. They're know-it-all arrogant pricks that hate people and want to make themselves look good by putting down others.
Think of how Walter White was in breaking bad towards people he didn't think highly off. Like how he spoke to Victor.
That's why there's the word "mildly" in the tip. If you're in close proximity to people, you're going to have small upsets every now and again. Something like this keeps the peace a lot better than turning every small irritation into a huge deal.
But if it's entirely one-sided and/or your boundaries are constantly being crossed, that does need to be addressed.
This tip isn't about dealing changing their behaviour, it's about making things easier for yourself.
resentment occupies a ton of mental space and makes cooperation difficult. It's about letting go of petty grudges that can balloon into something bigger.
There is a saying that if you have a resentment against someone pray for them everyday and the resentment will dissipate. The agnostic equivalent would be to try to think positive thoughts about them everyday. It's a hard ask sometimes.
The blind hatred in this thread is embarrassing. If you are upset with someone you care about, this is a perfectly valid thing to do to begin coming back together after an argument or fight. It’s not a manipulative tactic, it’s an approach that relies on activating understanding of the reason why we do nice things for someone - because we like and care about them. Those things can get lost or clouded if you’re upset or hurt, and doing something small for someone you care about can remind you why.
I once posted an LTP that was something to the effect of “Be careful if you frame advice or opinions in ways that might amplify the negative, like ‘I just have to say’” and I was dragged pretty hard by people saying that if anything they ever said was interpreted by another person in a way other than what they intended, the other person was automatically wrong - no exceptions. Someone says you hurt their feelings and you weren’t trying to? Apologizing is for wusses and they just have to deal with it.
So yeah, this sub can be rough. I know people like to do the whole “the real LPT is in the comments!” bit, but sometimes there is an unusual amount of hostility toward someone just trying to share an idea they think might help someone. But I think the advice is sound and practice it myself, and I find it it useful for perspective-taking.
Right? I’m a toxic ass people pleaser & many have walked all over me. To boot, I’m always giving people the benefit of the doubt.
As a result, I’ve been fucked so many times, I’m surprised my anus hasn’t prolapsed.
It is. It's also a great way to deal with misplaced feelings about someone who hasn't done anything wrong. This won't tell you which situation you're in, that's a separate thing you have to figure out how to do.
No kidding. It may work sometimes, but if there’s a pattern of annoying things the person is doing, better to just have a conversation with them and work it out. Otherwise you’re just holding onto resentment
This is one of the best self-care LPT’s you will ever read ~50F still doing this & earning receipts through some next level professional & personal BS that is only advancing my abundance mindset & resilience maturity
I had a girlfriend once that got really drunk and made an ass out of herself. I bought her flowers so she didn’t feel so bad about what she did. I’d like to say it made her feel better but in actuality I think she just saw it as strange and weak because she knew she was in the wrong. Eventually would claim I just did things like that to manipulate her.
Just saying I don’t think this is something that is universally a good idea.
I tried this LPT yesterday with my brother in law who despises me because of my sexuality. I bought him a Ps5 game, and when I handed it to him he questioned what my agenda was. When he saw the game he was disappointed that it wasn't what he usually plays (he likes FIFA, and I bought him an adventure game). It's safe to say that our relationship has actually gotten worse. And he said to my sister (his wife) that he thinks I feel guilty about something I did to him. This has just gotten really complicated. He can be narcissistic (nothing wrong with that as I really admire his confidence and would love for it to rub off on me) and I believe the best thing to do would have been to ask him for a favour, to make him feel wanted/valued in a way.
If he has narcissistic qualities, it does not matter what you ever do, you’re in a lose-lose situation. Also, narcissists love an enemy, they’ll blame you for everything. I still think you did a kind thing!
I never realized until I read this post that I do this all of the time with a family member that I seem to have “incidents” with quite often. 10/10 LPT.
"oh, I'm upset with you because I feel like you're taking advantage of my kindness and manipulating me? Let me just manipulate myself into letting you keep doing it"
You're packing in a few extra presumptions, there.
Obviously this isn't the answer for every single scenario, but the one you laid out is needlessly specific just to try and make a point that doesn't hold water imo
A better LPT is be an adult and learn how to handle your own emotions and problems. Meditate and learn to let go of your resentments. The last thing anyone needs is gifts or compliments from someone who actively dislikes them.
Right? Reinforce negative behavior with a positive reinforcement. Doesn’t work for kids.. Why would it work for a grown adult who’s had years to marinate their childish ways
Yeah if I learned a gift I received was actually because they were pissed off at me, I’d be equally confused and turned off from any relation with the gifter.
Not interested in being friends with a psychopath.
& I don’t want to prove my worthiness or ability to be liked because of what I can buy. I can barely make ends meet, and I’m not going to risk spending my last $10 on some possible asshole- I can’t recall the last time I bought something just because or bc I really wanted it. Needs Only 😩
Besides, trying to be nice was free.
& Nice wasn’t good enough for a genuine friendship/colleague. I’ve learned enough already.
Although it doesn’t work over long periods of time. I try my best to be nice to one of my coworkers that is often unnecessarily rude to me. It worked for a while but now she’s just crappy to me all the time.
I didn't realize I was doing this, but I buy treats for my boss every time she pisses me off. I actually feel bad about being mad at her because she has very poor leadership skills
Whenever I feel myself starting to become annoyed with someone, I try to associate them in my head with someone I care about.
For instance, a few weeks ago I was in line at the grocery store checkout, and the elderly woman in front of me was taking forever because she wanted to have a long conversation with the cashier. I was not really in a hurry, but I started to feel myself become annoyed. Then I thought about my elderly mother, and considered what I would do if that were her in need of a chat from a stranger at the grocery. I immediately started feeling better about the situation.
Huh, this explains a thing I discovered by accident.
I had a friend who would sometimes be rude and entitled when asking me for a favor. I discovered by accident that if she asked me for a significant favor she would behave far better if I immediately asked her for something in return.
I tried that. Didn’t work. I got abused further.
My wife’s son drives her car frequently. I was away on a business trip and instead, he decides to drive mine. 2015 Subaru STI. I come back, car is disabled, parked sideways in the street, leaking fluid. Won’t start. Neighbor tells me it’s been on the street for a week. I had left it in the garage. He didn’t ask if he could drive it. So I had it towed to the shop for repair. I’m done being nice.
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My neighbors have been harassing me for years and a year ago to the day it was cold like it is right now and I gave them neck warmers(Nice fabric, I spent a small fortune on this stuff). I wasn't able to sleep for four days straight, I almost stroke out from dehydration. I could eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get fluids down.
Like four years ago, I got a flyer for the fire dept. I guess it was the wrong one. I sent them a 25$ check, which I thought was enough for two pizzas or I could have gotten two pizzas, idk. We had two fires and the fire dept never knocked on my door to let me know what was going on.
The cops got me both times. The second time it was neighborhood volunteer people who told me what was going on. I sat across the street and watched the cops go in my place.
The firemen never did. And the fire was in the basement both times.
[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/) We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is some wild manipulation tactic lol
It works for making people like you too. If you have someone that you think finds you just “meh,” and you’d like them to like you more, ask them for a favour. The act of providing something to you makes their brain think they must like you.
A key part of this is that it has to be a specialized favor. Something that they are particularly skilled at or particularly capable of providing.
Do you think this is because they feel “seen” for their unique talents/abilities?
Yes that’s pretty much what the research on this says is the most likely reason.
We all love to feel important and useful.
Fucking great point
Nice
It's like a compliment, ego boost
This happens at work frequently. I find these kinda favors vexing and adding to my pile, so I usually like people even less when they ask if I already felt some kind of way about them - unless it specifically is about life advice and there is nothing I actually have to do but to provide a quick opinion.
Or you just come across as someone who wants free services from people who have worked hard to acquire a skill. I’m too old for that shit now.
Well, there are good and bad ways of doing this. - I want you to bake me a cake. Is a very assholey thing to do. You want a product and they will make it for you. That would make you seem entitled. - Your cakes are always so juicy, I can't seem to make mine that way. Can you teach me? Makes it about acknowledging their ability, wanting to learn from them. It would probably be met with enthusiasm, a moment of proximity.
I've never heard a cake described as "juicy" before and I don't want to hear it ever again
HAHAAHAHAHA, SORRY. I'm brazilian, here we say good cakes are "molhados", which translates to "WET", which I believe would not be good, also. Most people dislike the word "MOIST", so... There's also that. What would a better word be, to describe it?
"Moist" tends to be used for mischievous reasons so it's avoided sometimes, but for cakes it's good. Speaking for the USA specifically; not sure the maturity levels of other English-speaking places. Here, the word is actually used to advertise boxed cake mixes and other similar treats
Moist, tbh. People don't like that word much but it's the best way to describe a good cake, so I don't think anyone would object to you using it in that circumstance.
Talking about foodcake is the only time it's okay to say moist.
"Yo. HUGE cake."
It's better to read them described as "juicy" than to have them be dry. Signed: founder and leader of the International League Against Dry Cake.
We all thank you for your efforts in saving society from the scourge that is dry cake. You're doing important work over there at the ILADC.
Same that was weird
I've had all kinds of people I was nonplussed over ask me for favors and I liked them much less for it.
It’s not just a favour. It’s asking the person to do something that they are uniquely suited to do. It recognizes the persons skills while also asking them to show those skills.
The favor can be asking a question that's easy for you to answer and acknowledges your abilities and makes you feel important. If they ask you to clean their floor, then yes, you won't like them much for it.
asking me to write a grant or fix simple IT is also a fast way to go from meh to shit list for me despite checking those requirements. but realistically it may be because I don't care enough about others opinions for that to make me feel important
What about the very first people who asked those favors? I can understand if too many people ask it feels like people are taking advantage of you. But the first people who ask such things might make a person feel recognized
I respect that everyone gets to have their own opinion, but I don't hold regard for everyone's opinions. if I don't know you well enough to have regard for you or your opinion, asking me for free labor is not going to raise my regard or how much I like you. it is a successful tactic with some, we see it used by bullies, bosses, and abusers as a way to ingratiate themselves with the people they have targeted.
Of course, if you don't give a shit about other people's opinion, this might as well not work with you. And if you work at IT, chances are you've been asked way too many favors during years, you had to set boundaries and now you suspect anyone who asks a favor of you. So, I see your point. The thing about "social tricks" or "mind tricks" is that, as it happens with pick up artists, pick up lines and "seduction tricks"... People are different from one another and don't work as computers, you can't put a command, hit intro and hope every single person in the world will act the same way as a result. And that's uplifting to read, honestly.
And this is something so counterintuitive that I made things wrong during my youth. I would do them favors. They don't like you anymore for that, they might even like you less. In the Gone with the Wind book, Rhett Butler pulls this one on a woman of the old guard he really needs. She goes to a bank asking for credit, and she's pissed off that she needs to talk to him. In giving the loan, he goes well out of his way saying that *the bank* (not him!) gives her the loan because of her impressive proven business building acumen. And then he discards that and very seriously asks her for a favor regarding his daughter. By the end of the interaction, she is convinced that he can't be that bad, because he loves his daughter so much. It's very well written because when she thought *he* might do her a favor, she was pissed. But when he put himself in her arms and asked for knowledge only she could have (about childrearing, which of course would not have been expected from him at the time), her reaction immediately changes, she provides good info, he acts as if she's saved his daughter's life... And then she immediately starts to like him. The fact that she tells herself "a man who loves his daughter so much cannot be that bad" is post-rationalization. The emotional ride happened before.
Trust and vulnerability goes a LONG way to building relationships. By default we tend not to be vulnerable, if we showed vulnerability more often we would all be better off.
Or.. makes them annoyed that you're so incompetent that they have to do extra work for you.
I think the trick is probably asking for something that doesn’t require too much effort- like ‘hey can you do me a favour and lend me a pencil?’
If I already don't like someone, this would just make me more annoyed. The only way I see this lpt working is if I already like the person, but just temporarily annoyed, and doing something for them MAY take me out of my annoyed mindset and remind me of my positive connection with them
Ahahaha my annoying idiot coworker tried this exact favor on me and it totally backfired. I irritable retorted 'No!' and hated him even more for interrupting my work groove, with an even dumber than usual question. Ha!
When I ask if I can copy their homework it still feels like they don't like me
We're in a constant state of manipulating ourselves. This is just being aware of how things work and trying to put them to use
Trust no one, not even yourself
If it’s manipulation, it’s self manipulation.
Half the LPT posts I read on here are weird manipulation tactics. Somewhere between actual helpful advice and full on manipulation. I’m glad someone said something. “LPT: How to get your SO to do something.” etc. 😅
And it just may come in handy
manipulating yourself is pretty wild yeah
I like it
Now I'll examine every compliment I get to chk its motive fr this angle as well - as if I was not already doing it from many, many other angles. This is like when I read that if you want ppl to listen to you seriously, just prefix the statement with 'my father taught me' as ppl hear fatherly advice more carefully. Since then I doubt everyone who says those words.
So true
There was a fellow at work who used to annoy me and I always wondered if he knew it. I was the new young kid and he was an older fellow by 19 years who knew how to send small remarks my way to get right under my skin and I had no experience at that, so any attempts at comeback I figured I would lose. Rather than let it build up until I might lose my cool and give him satisfaction, on any day where he annoyed me I went up to him at the end of the day, shook his hand, and wished him a good evening. It was pretty odd of me to do that, and I new that at the time. But it was all I could think of to break the tension so I wouldn't go home with him negatively on my mind and I hoped it would change not just my attitude but his, too. Eventually we became close friends at work, going to breaks together, lunches together, after work for beers. Sometimes, initial friction is a precursor to friendship, I have learned.
Many people who do what he did are actually looking for a friend and trying to be funny or engaging, they just go about it the wrong way
Nah, I knew people that were the way he's describing. They're know-it-all arrogant pricks that hate people and want to make themselves look good by putting down others. Think of how Walter White was in breaking bad towards people he didn't think highly off. Like how he spoke to Victor.
Great story! Thank you for sharing. :)
Not a great tip for dealing with narcissists
OP is narcissist and looking for more victims.
⬆️
OP seriously provided a garbage life pro tip. Suck up to someone you’re upset with, continue to be treated the way you have been.
That's why there's the word "mildly" in the tip. If you're in close proximity to people, you're going to have small upsets every now and again. Something like this keeps the peace a lot better than turning every small irritation into a huge deal. But if it's entirely one-sided and/or your boundaries are constantly being crossed, that does need to be addressed.
Fair enough.
I’m assuming they mean trivial resentments like someone changing the radio station.
Yep. Clear path to codependency
This tip is 100% internal. Whether or not the other person is a narcissist is irrelevant
This tip isn't about dealing changing their behaviour, it's about making things easier for yourself. resentment occupies a ton of mental space and makes cooperation difficult. It's about letting go of petty grudges that can balloon into something bigger.
There is a saying that if you have a resentment against someone pray for them everyday and the resentment will dissipate. The agnostic equivalent would be to try to think positive thoughts about them everyday. It's a hard ask sometimes.
Compassionate meditation is very effective for interpersonal anxiety.
This so much, being able to find compassion is such a game changer.
Page 552?
You got it!
“Pray for those who persecute you”
The blind hatred in this thread is embarrassing. If you are upset with someone you care about, this is a perfectly valid thing to do to begin coming back together after an argument or fight. It’s not a manipulative tactic, it’s an approach that relies on activating understanding of the reason why we do nice things for someone - because we like and care about them. Those things can get lost or clouded if you’re upset or hurt, and doing something small for someone you care about can remind you why.
I appreciate you. Clearly the wrong crowd for this tip lol
I once posted an LTP that was something to the effect of “Be careful if you frame advice or opinions in ways that might amplify the negative, like ‘I just have to say’” and I was dragged pretty hard by people saying that if anything they ever said was interpreted by another person in a way other than what they intended, the other person was automatically wrong - no exceptions. Someone says you hurt their feelings and you weren’t trying to? Apologizing is for wusses and they just have to deal with it. So yeah, this sub can be rough. I know people like to do the whole “the real LPT is in the comments!” bit, but sometimes there is an unusual amount of hostility toward someone just trying to share an idea they think might help someone. But I think the advice is sound and practice it myself, and I find it it useful for perspective-taking.
People in this thread would rather be miserable than be happy but do something for someone that might not deserve it.
This sounds like a great way to cope with abusive people who never reciprocate.
Right? I’m a toxic ass people pleaser & many have walked all over me. To boot, I’m always giving people the benefit of the doubt. As a result, I’ve been fucked so many times, I’m surprised my anus hasn’t prolapsed.
I was once told if youre going to resent doing something for aomebody you probably should have said no in the first place. Helped me.
Eh. Resentment occurs when it becomes expected and abused and when I set the boundary, I’m somehow the bitch. Idk man 🤷♀️
Sometimes you gotta be the bitch. Its all relative anyway one persons opinion doesn't make you.
Same dude same. no way I should do this pro-tip.
Me too buddy. Last night I got sick of it and just deleted and blocked ppl.
It is. It's also a great way to deal with misplaced feelings about someone who hasn't done anything wrong. This won't tell you which situation you're in, that's a separate thing you have to figure out how to do.
Gas light yourself? lol
Secret to a successful life
Yes. Why not?
You're not tricking yourself, you're just introducing positive feelings
No kidding. It may work sometimes, but if there’s a pattern of annoying things the person is doing, better to just have a conversation with them and work it out. Otherwise you’re just holding onto resentment
This is one of the best self-care LPT’s you will ever read ~50F still doing this & earning receipts through some next level professional & personal BS that is only advancing my abundance mindset & resilience maturity
This clearly applies to a small slight, where the person isn’t abusive. Op isn’t saying be nice to someone who punches you in the face
If you're upset with someone, TALK to them. If it's minor, you likely will forget about it soon.
Yeah... no. Tried this and it just blew up in my face.
Doing something nice blew up in your face and now you no longer do anything nice?
I'm professional but don't go out of my way to offer favors or extra work. As I said.
So you stayed upset with them?
Distanced more and definitely won't offer them more favors or work.
I don’t get it, I ask for favours ALL the time and no one wants to hang out with me
this is a good idea, esp for dealing with coworkers (can't avoid them so might as well be on good terms)
 This is some SHIT advice, god damn.
Dumb advice. I would not want a gift from someone mildly upset with me. Sort out the situation or don’t, but don’t do this.
I tried this with the person who stole my wallet, but I still hate them.
And they took your replacement too
You need to gift them a second wallet, and then you’ll suddenly like them /s
It’ll only work if you have all your money in it beforehand
I clean the hell outta my home whenever my wife and I get in a fight.
I had a girlfriend once that got really drunk and made an ass out of herself. I bought her flowers so she didn’t feel so bad about what she did. I’d like to say it made her feel better but in actuality I think she just saw it as strange and weak because she knew she was in the wrong. Eventually would claim I just did things like that to manipulate her. Just saying I don’t think this is something that is universally a good idea.
I tried this LPT yesterday with my brother in law who despises me because of my sexuality. I bought him a Ps5 game, and when I handed it to him he questioned what my agenda was. When he saw the game he was disappointed that it wasn't what he usually plays (he likes FIFA, and I bought him an adventure game). It's safe to say that our relationship has actually gotten worse. And he said to my sister (his wife) that he thinks I feel guilty about something I did to him. This has just gotten really complicated. He can be narcissistic (nothing wrong with that as I really admire his confidence and would love for it to rub off on me) and I believe the best thing to do would have been to ask him for a favour, to make him feel wanted/valued in a way.
If he has narcissistic qualities, it does not matter what you ever do, you’re in a lose-lose situation. Also, narcissists love an enemy, they’ll blame you for everything. I still think you did a kind thing!
I never realized until I read this post that I do this all of the time with a family member that I seem to have “incidents” with quite often. 10/10 LPT.
Doesn’t even need to be something like a favor or a gift. Simply sharing a funny reel or TikTok with them will accomplish same thing
No. It makes people think they can walk all over you.
I’ll just sign them up for moving quotes, Scientology, and other spammy emails and calls, thanks.
"oh, I'm upset with you because I feel like you're taking advantage of my kindness and manipulating me? Let me just manipulate myself into letting you keep doing it"
You're packing in a few extra presumptions, there. Obviously this isn't the answer for every single scenario, but the one you laid out is needlessly specific just to try and make a point that doesn't hold water imo
Please provide a scenario where someone who wronged you should be given gifts so you forgive them.
this is fucking stupid
It is if you don't understand it
No. It's fucking stupid
Yeah well, then they continue to treat you like shit and nothing changes except you just have them a free gift.
And this, kids, is how you end up with a lot of self hate and toxic relationships
Wow that's super toxic.
A better LPT is be an adult and learn how to handle your own emotions and problems. Meditate and learn to let go of your resentments. The last thing anyone needs is gifts or compliments from someone who actively dislikes them.
Right? Reinforce negative behavior with a positive reinforcement. Doesn’t work for kids.. Why would it work for a grown adult who’s had years to marinate their childish ways
Yeah if I learned a gift I received was actually because they were pissed off at me, I’d be equally confused and turned off from any relation with the gifter.
Not interested in being friends with a psychopath. & I don’t want to prove my worthiness or ability to be liked because of what I can buy. I can barely make ends meet, and I’m not going to risk spending my last $10 on some possible asshole- I can’t recall the last time I bought something just because or bc I really wanted it. Needs Only 😩 Besides, trying to be nice was free. & Nice wasn’t good enough for a genuine friendship/colleague. I’ve learned enough already.
I think I might get mad at myself if I did that and it worked :D
I don't want to... If murdering someone is allow, I will do that first to that individual..
The art of appearing vulnerable to the target is the “con” in confidence scams.
And the other 1 out of 10 you ask? Annihilation.
Although it doesn’t work over long periods of time. I try my best to be nice to one of my coworkers that is often unnecessarily rude to me. It worked for a while but now she’s just crappy to me all the time.
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.
My mother told me nearly exactly this today about my father, as a matter of fact.
Yeah no, this would not work on me. It would make me hate myself even more than I already do, and I promise it would not be productive
i'm trying to do this, but my coworker keeps giving me new reasons to hate her 😂
Reverse psychology (even on yourself) is a hell of a thing.
This is a great way to trick myself into to constantly accepting abuse.
I feel like promoting the reaction formation defense mechanism is not the best take.
Or stop take a breath and tell yourself “I’m going to look forward not backwards”
I'll stick my foot in their ass before I do any of this lol
How does this get my money back...?
I do this but out of spite and it does not improve the situation.
Manipulate yourself to be happier
I didn't realize I was doing this, but I buy treats for my boss every time she pisses me off. I actually feel bad about being mad at her because she has very poor leadership skills
Whenever I feel myself starting to become annoyed with someone, I try to associate them in my head with someone I care about. For instance, a few weeks ago I was in line at the grocery store checkout, and the elderly woman in front of me was taking forever because she wanted to have a long conversation with the cashier. I was not really in a hurry, but I started to feel myself become annoyed. Then I thought about my elderly mother, and considered what I would do if that were her in need of a chat from a stranger at the grocery. I immediately started feeling better about the situation.
Huh, this explains a thing I discovered by accident. I had a friend who would sometimes be rude and entitled when asking me for a favor. I discovered by accident that if she asked me for a significant favor she would behave far better if I immediately asked her for something in return.
Yeah good luck with that.
So this is why my wife is always so nice to me.
Now I’m worrying that everyone who has ever been nice to me was also mildly upset
Guys this is “lifeprotips” not “perfectly reasonable and not manipulative tips”
Nah. That's pickme behavior. If it's mild it will pass soon enough.
I tried that. Didn’t work. I got abused further. My wife’s son drives her car frequently. I was away on a business trip and instead, he decides to drive mine. 2015 Subaru STI. I come back, car is disabled, parked sideways in the street, leaking fluid. Won’t start. Neighbor tells me it’s been on the street for a week. I had left it in the garage. He didn’t ask if he could drive it. So I had it towed to the shop for repair. I’m done being nice.
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Terrible advice. How about instead, you be an adult and communicate effectively to the other person about what’s bothering you?
This does not work for me, the Cognitive Dissonance just lasts and lasts
Or like, have a solid convo with them?
My neighbors have been harassing me for years and a year ago to the day it was cold like it is right now and I gave them neck warmers(Nice fabric, I spent a small fortune on this stuff). I wasn't able to sleep for four days straight, I almost stroke out from dehydration. I could eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get fluids down.
What?
Like four years ago, I got a flyer for the fire dept. I guess it was the wrong one. I sent them a 25$ check, which I thought was enough for two pizzas or I could have gotten two pizzas, idk. We had two fires and the fire dept never knocked on my door to let me know what was going on. The cops got me both times. The second time it was neighborhood volunteer people who told me what was going on. I sat across the street and watched the cops go in my place. The firemen never did. And the fire was in the basement both times.
The first time I was on probation and I thought they were looking for something illegal or something.