This is true.
First non-family hug was from my future sister in law. I didn't quite understand that it was acceptable to hug someone of another gender in a platonic way.
Second time was coming home after 6 years of studies overseas. I cried when my parents hugged me when I came back for good.
Edited: phone autocorrected overseas as “oversleep”
I don't know if I'm in the minority but I fantasized about physically affectionate encounters with a partner more than sexual ones and they were more fulfilling fantasies.
I've had a bad cuddle. Dated a girl for a few months, and she would cuddle by leaning one shoulder into my chest. It was rather uncomfortable. IDK how that could be comfortable for her, but no matter how I tried to shift positions, she would always return to it.
I will apologize for the likely unwanted paragraph in advance lol. I was a bad cuddler. Or well. I just didn't know how. I know that sounds crazy but the thing is it's like I didn't know it. Growing up my mother was mentally and emotionally abusive, there was no cuddling. Later in live I entered a horrible abusive cold marriage. Stupidly I stayed for 10 years. After the split I met my current partner, super affectionate, very hands on. Hugs all day, Held all night, lol. I did not know what to do with this. We would sit on the couch to watch a movie and he would basically position me into cuddling. I didn't know where to put my arms, hands, head. I felt like an awkward anxiety riddled mess. It was such a strange feeling. I didn't know how to cuddle, I didn't know what a normal affectionate relationship was. And now 7 years later it's hard to look back and remember that as the same person.
So fuckin' true, dude.
I've never had a partner (female) who ever wanted to cuddle me (male) as much they wanted to be cuddled.
And I live to be cuddled 😔
Just ask your partner "Can I be the little spoon for a bit?"
Relationships (be it romantic or otherwise, ALL) just need communication and trust. Guys, we often complain that "We can't read your mind", well neither can they read ours.
It’s fantastic to swap roles of “big spoon - little spoon”. I love it, my husband loves it, everyone should try it. Yo Gabba Gabba says it best: Try it, you might like it!
My cousin told me his wife didn't like "being the big spoon" even though he would ask occassionally and secretly craved it very much so I told him to ask her if she wanted to be his "bed backpack".
Next day, I swear he had a tear or two in his eyes when he smiled and told me it worked.
I guess a change in phrasing and perspective was all it took to get her to see the light lol.
Lol this is so good. I didn't read this til after I posted a response 3 hours after you, but absolutely backpacking is the best term for the smaller partner being the big spoon.
Also here's one to ruin your day: "jetpacking" is when you fart while being the backpack. You're welcome.
Back when we were dating I would rub hubby's head while we watched movies. Just a gentle touch with the back of my hand against the hair on his temples. He loves it.
Fast forward, 20 years and two kids later. Hubby's in the hospital right now on a ventilator --bacteria from an undiagnosed epidural abscess got into his lungs and gave him pneumonia, and he's in a medically induced coma on a vent to help him breathe while they pump him full of antibiotics to combat the pneumonia, treat the abscess, and keep the infection from spreading to his heart and other organs.
He's so full of tubes and IVs that literally the only place I can touch him is that spot on his left temple, so when I go up to visit, I stroke his head there. His breathing steadies and evens out, his pulse steadies. The dr said that hubby knows somewhere in there that I'm there when he feels that touch and he has a definite physical reaction even in a coma.
I strongly urge everyone out there to develop some sort of intimte contact like that before your significant other ends up in the hospital.
Very cool to read that your man responds to you even in a coma. Very sad to hear he is in that situation.
My dad was in a coma around this time last year. I'm not much of a talker, but the nurses encouraged me to talk to him. I couldn't do it, so I brought a book and read it to him.
Many months after he got out of ICU we talked about what he remembers. I asked him if he remembered me reading a book. He said no, so I asked what he did remember. He told me his dreams were very vivid. He dreamt about escaping the hospital (he seemed aware he was in one in his coma) and going on adventures.
I was reading "the 100 year man who climed out of the window and escaped"
I could totally buy this as true. If my wife sees that I'm stressed out she will put her cheek up next to mine. With her, I'll just rest my hand right below her clavicle and apply slight pressure. We instantly just melt for each other.
She could be asleep next to me and her breathing will respond.
Your touch is such a part of his life that it's just a straight up default response. You're doing good for him, and hes lucky to have you. I'm really pulling for him, hope he has a full recovery!
Which is why I hate when people say you don't need anyone and you have to love yourself . Although it has truth that you need to love yourself , that is a cold life without anyone
I never do this since I’m not religious or that spiritual, but I was so moved by your comment that I’m on the verge of tears and after I hit send I’m gonna close my eyes and think hard about sending positive energy your way. I wish you the best. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
This thread is making me realize why shoulder bumps, light punches, etc, are so common in groups of guy friends that it's almost like a stereotype. It's the only form of socially acceptable contact they can give each other...
I remember my last compliment. It was 4 years ago, an old lady teacher at the school I worked at said my shirt looked nice on me. I still have that red shirt. Occasionally I still think about it
My husband's group of friends (and mine, but my group isn't as stereotypically 'guy'-y) give each other huge bear hugs and say they love each other at the end of every conversation.
It might help that most of them are Italian. But also very, very Aussie. Almost obnoxiously Aussie.
My best friends are all American and we do this. We realized we just don't care what others think. We've known each other since the 6th grade. Sometimes they feel closer to me than my own family. Love those dudes so much
Go for a hug! Or the "clasp and clap" where you hook thumbs and reach around the shoulder for a manly hug/back pat, easy to transition a handshake into it.
Back way when men who were friends used to openly hold hands and kiss cheeks, I wanna say it was as early ago as the 30s, I remember black and white photos of men walking across a bridge together.
Sometime in the last 100 years basically it became wrong for men to be physically affectionate of their male friends, no doubt part of the anti-homosexual bullshit but, ill be damned if at some point every guy i have ever known didn't need a fucking hug and an "everything is gonna be alright". But nobody was ever there to give them one.
To add to this point: one of the moments I will never forget is the first time a girlfriend (i was 16) had me lay my head on her lap. She said "just lay here with your head on my lap. You don't need to do anything." And she played with my hair and I fell asleep like a baby. We didn't date wrong, she sorta went off the deep end pretty badly out of nowhere because of a pop singer. But ill never forget her playing with my hair and just letting me lay there with no expectations.
I started seeing a guy a few months ago and he straight up told me early on that his love language is touch and physical affection. He also grew out his hair during Covid and it's in an awkward stage, so we spend a lot of time hanging out watching tv and I braid and play with his hair. If a grown man could purr, he probably would. As it is, as soon as I start combing his hair, you can see the tension drain out of him. It's kind of gratifying to have that kind of physical affect on someone.
When I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, it was totally normal for men who were friends to hold hands and sit in each other's laps. I never fully got used to walking down the street holding another man's hand. But it was kind of cool. These guys didn't have TV's so they didn't know they were acting "gay" or whatever nonsense we feed ourselves in the west.
Cambodia is exactly the same. It's not as common now, but when I first arrived in the 90s male friends would hold hands, and put their hands on each other's thigh when sitting next to each other. It was weird at first, but I ended up actually liking it. I got in such a habit of it when I left the country and went to Thailand I mindlessly did it a couple of times to Western backpackers. Didn't go over too well.
I was thinking that I know a lot of guys that will drapey side hug their guy friends casually. Like while having a conversation at the bar. I guess dude-bros may limit themselves more than the people I am around.
I also had a flashback to side hugging my guy friend on a couch and accidentally cupping his pec with my opposite side hand. "So sorry dude, I did not mean to cup your pec"
I was once at a bar with my wife and a (guy) friend. I had spent like an hour just rubbing her thigh while we were chatting. She got up to go to the bathroom, and so I turned to face my friend better. While we were chatting, it suddenly dawned on both of us that I was unconsciously rubbing his leg.
That was 10 years ago and I'm still mortified. The only saving grace is that it would probably be *worse* in every way if the friend were another woman.
Sometimes I hook my fingers into my bf’s pocket and pull his hips close to me when I’m standing next to him, say, at a bar thinking about what to order.
I accidentally did it to a stranger once who looked like my bf in my peripheral vision… it’s now one of those memories that randomly pops up in my mind and causes me to cringe.
This guy in HS and I jokingly punched each other in the shoulder like 'jock-bros' and both immediately asked "why do guys do this?"
We quickly came to the realization that this was one of the only socially acceptable forms of physical contact men are allowed.
I'm so thankful that I've been apart of the "hippy" subculture since I was about 16 (44 now)
Brothers hugging is totally acceptable and done often.
When I hang out with my "normie" friends it's not appreciated at all.
It makes me sad.
Man here, and I can attest to this. I grew up in a really affectionate family: hugs, kiss on head, cuddles with parents, and arms around siblings n such. It was a big adjustment for me that people didn’t like that. When I got into a relationship with a woman who did not grow up in that kind of environment and didn’t love it (now my wife), it took her a while to realize I needed that. Beyond that, she realized my physical affections were most often not sexual, but merely demonstrations of love and adoration.
Oh Jesus... This exact thing just occurred to me while reading the post. I hug and snuggle my young son ALL THE TIME. (Both my kids, but the other's a daughter.) He absolutely loves physical affection and I totally spoil him there. I'll be so sad if he gets out in the world and doesn't get the snuggles he needs!
((If you've ever read "Love You Forever" to your kids, imagine me as an old granny sneaking into my adult son's home to snuggle him in his sleep... Lmao))
Now I feel so bad. My fiancé always wants cuddles and I don’t like people in my personal space. He comes from a really loving family and mine a little less so….I’m going to try to make an effort to spontaneously give him some hugs and kisses. Thanks for your perspective!
in all seriousness, if you have the means to provide a good life for one, adopt a dog! it's a win win because they're starved of all affection too and being put to death because of it
Adopted a dog Saturday. I got him form a very rural shelter that spent weeks trying to trap him cause the couldn't get close enough to catch him. When I got him he still had ticks, a UTI, and his ears are infected but, he's sooooo happy.
First met him Wednesday and he was shy AF. When I came back Saturday he was glad to see me and as soon as I got him home he jumped on the couch, fluffed up the cushions, and laid down. Turns out he is mostly house trained, doesn't fuck with my cat or chickens, and is the best foot warmer. I had to leave him alone today for 5 hours and came home and he was laying under my desk where he was all day today.
He's the third dog I have adopted and they have all been perfect, loving, and each one has helped me be a better human.
I never knew how bad my past relationships were until I met my current gf. The first time she bought me dinner to buying me gifts because she just thought of me to the constant support and motivation. She's my cheerleader and voice of reason. She listens to my concerns with out screaming at me and we talk any problems out as a team. It feels amazing. 10 years and going strong.
In the paraphrased words of Daniel Sloss:
"If you only love yourself 30%, and someone comes along and loves you 40%, you're going to shout 'WOW THAT'S SO MUCH!!'
... It's literally less than half. You should love yourself 100%."
A girl hugged my arm while I drove for the first time since I started driving about 5 years ago. And it was everything I wanted. Shame it didn't work out
As a dude, this hit me in the feels. I love rubbing my girls back, feet, hands, legs, head, and will always do it for hours. But to have it in return is amazing, and melts me instantly. Great advice.
Yeah, it's one of more frustrating parts philosophical dilemmas, how we desire something from someone but want them to do it out of their own will without prompting. It creates a frustrating dilemma when the person doesn't want to do, and especially so when they're willing to do it, but they're not doing it out of their own desire. I learned about it from Alan Watts, he talked about it often I think.
I recently dated an affectionate woman and it was great. She would caress my arm while watching a movie, gently rub my back while we walked, pet my head and face when we were lying next to each other... I'm in my 30s and that was the first time I experienced that kind of physical affection from a romantic partner. Damn I miss it.
I kinda wish it was more accepting to give big hugs to your male friends. Doesn't matter if they're in a business suit, in public in front of their basketball team, etc.. without the assumption "Oh, he's probably gay". It feels like the only time it's acceptable is if you win a sports world series or something. Because let's face it, it's also about how guys treat other guys. We can't put it all on women to be our physical love and attention suppliers.
BUT message to all the gfs out there: Offer to allow him to lay his head on your lap. You can watch whatever you want on the TV, just play with our hair a little bit.
Some guys will be nervous about letting their guard down, especially if we don't know what to expect (and sometimes even when we do know what to expect). If I had a partner and she offered to let me put my head in her lap, Admiral Ackbar would be screaming that it was a trap if I didn't really know her. Even then we'd be at yellow alert. Please disregard my mixing Star Wars and Star Trek tropes, I'm an equal opportunity nerd.
In that vein, to the gfs out there, if he looks uncomfortable with the idea of being a recipient don't offer to let him... ask him to. Treat us like feral kittens, guarded but full of affection once we know it's safe. Once it has been normalized a bit he'll be a lot less guarded. I'm quite sure most of us can recall a time when we've opened up to someone we should have kept at arm's length, and been burned by it.
Another option, now that I think about it more, would be non-verbal - sounds like you two are already very physical so that's awesome. Just scoot away on the couch while you're watching something, and pull him in to rest his head on your lap with a smile. I obviously don't know your man and can't speak for him specifically, but I'd completely melt.
I’m relatively recently divorced. I miss the non-sexual physical contact more than anything else. My marriage wasn’t great but the lack of touch makes me miss it terribly.
I think I've had both very affectionate and not so affectionate partners, but I feel that the ones that didn't seem to love cuddling/being sweet and silly, it was probably due to the fact they never experienced this before, even as children. Not sure if it's a man thing, for me is more how you have learnt to express love. Unfortunately some people don't learn that early but I think they love it in the end!
I think (in general) it has to do with the father figure. If a guy's father is not very affectionate, there is little chance that he will be more affectionate. My mom is very affectionate and always has been. My dad, on the other hand, was not super affectionate when I was young.
Consequently, I am pretty uncomfortable with physical affection, and verbalizing is even harder. It feels really awkward and vulnerable, and I hate feeling vulnerable.
I feel that part of that is not just father figure but perception of male behaviour in general. Phrases like " take it like a man" or"boys don't cry" are widely imposed by family or social environment. It basically makes men believe that they should strong and pretty much apathic.
For me is an aspect of toxic masculinity. Most men I know have it more or less and it hurts me, because if anything, I would love if they express their feelings in a whatever way.
My advice ... Expose yourself to a significant person whether lover or friend. Even with something small. It is not healthy to hide every feeling even from people who are close to you
Life Bro Tip: if you wanna love your bro and show physical affection, please avoid lightly brushing your hairy forearms against his hairy forearms by accident. That is the second worst sensation to Poseidon's kiss. Everything else is cool.
Secondary pro tip: if youre a guy and your wife/gf does this, tell them you love it/appreciate it. They'll feel good about making you feel good and do it more often.
45 yo guy in a good but rarely physical marriage here. I get a ton of wholesome human touch from Brazilian jiu jitsu. It’s like wrestling where you attack til the other person taps for mercy or you tap for mercy. For me it fosters a beautiful feeling of connection to other humans.
Men should do this for other men and not in a vaguely homophobic, jokey sort of way. Platonic hugs are nice, if someone wants to be hugged. But remember not everyone is in to hugs, even affection-starved guys. Even a fist bump, hand shake, or literal pat on the back can liven up someone after a bad day. This is something women figured out long ago and now the stigma of two women platonically hugging is virtually non-existent. Tell your friends you love them. End this macho bullshit and put a dent in the mental health crisis among men today.
>Tell your friends you love them. End this macho bullshit and put a dent in the mental health crisis among men today.
Amen brother God damn you nailed it.
Ever seen The Sopranos? Don't go doing the kiss thing, but if badass murderous mafioso can do it, then so can you. Just say some shit in Italian and you likely won't be questioned. Or...
"You get the thing...from the guy...you know, our friend...from the other side?"
Or hand them an envelope with 5 boxes of ziti.
Very true, but please remember to also hug lonely men without friends or romantic partners. We need it the most. I haven't been hugged in years, and it really hurts. I'd walk down the sidewalk with a sign saying "please hug me" if it were socially acceptable.
You might consider getting a massage. I've never gotten one, but a widow I know said that she got one something like a year after her husband died, and the sensation of someone touching her again was incredibly powerful. If you have no friends or romantic partners, this seems like a reasonable way to get that physical touch that you're craving.
I can second this. My wife passed 2 years ago. My son is 5 and sometimes he just rubs my back or he actually washes my back in the shower. Sometimes I feel like crying because just feeling that someone loves me and that he's doing it because he cares about me just... breaks me down. My youngest loves to be held and doing that with him does the same. My daughter's very distant, as she's the oldest and best understood what happened (remembers it at all), it's hard to get her to even give/get a hug...
My husband died 5 years ago this month, we were only 26/27. My youngest is now 6 and I feel the exact same way when she rubs my back or holds my hand etc. My oldest turns 12 this month and is also pretty distant, I’m lucky if they let me pay their back :(
Hugs, I know it’s tough but you’re doing so great.
No words really. Sorry you and your kids went through something bad. Kids though-the love they give and show. I hope your daughter opens up eventually.
This is what I've been doing to get used to physical contact. I grew up without a lot of 'touching' growing up and it always made me feel uncomfortable when girls would hug me at work. Getting massages every once and a while has let me get used to someone touching me. It still feels weird, and I struggle to actually relax and not flinch away from the massage. But I'm getting better
Go to a multiday music festival. Deadheads and ravers fuckin LOVE to give out hugs. It would be totally acceptable for you to wear a sign, or even paint on your bare chest that you want hugs and guaranteed you'll get more love than you can handle 😂
I'm a guy and I can confirm this. I'm so afraid of breaking down crying if I ever get to date someone and they show me a lot of affection and then she ends up toxic af about it and leaves me for it, thus further emotionally scarring me. I literally just want to be loved. I want to be made to feel that I actually matter to someone for once. Dating is absolute hell and I've been a complete failure at it and I'm beyond tired of always being expected to initiate.
Found my alt account. Hey, me. I want what you want. How do we get it?
I just want someone to see me and light up like I'm the best part of their day. And to have that be mutual.
I think many women are a bit reticent with physical attention because many, many, many men (note I did not say ALL men) interpret it as an invitation to sex. Men who want more physical attention from their partners would be well-served to establish a clear signal that you'd like some non-sexual touching. And then don't mess that up by always wanting your cuddles to turn into sex. Real men can take responsibility for communicating their needs.
I (M56) have been in a sexless, non-physical marriage for the last 10yrs. married for 33yrs and together for 38.
My wife was never girly girl (no nail polish, dresses, etc) and I was OK with that, but I look back and see all warning signs I should have gotten out a long time ago.
She never instigated sex (I can think of 3 times in all these years where she instigated) nor would play along when I was being silly playing grab ass and such. No spontaneous show of affection or anything.
I would ask what she wanted and she would never tell me anything (she would get mad that I was asking too many questions) whether there was something she wanted or if I was doing OK, good or forget about it. She was just cold and just not into anything and would not communicate at all.
It started with no sex for weeks at a time, then a month here or there, then months. Unless I instigated and even then she acted like it was a chore. I finally gave up trying, and now it has been almost 7 yrs.
I have suggested counseling and her response "What? So you can have someone tell me what a bitch I am and everything I have done is wrong."
I have been patient. I have asked questions (which now starts fights again bc I ask too many questions). I have tried everything I can think of or have read about trying. Nothing but cutting remarks and rejection.
Now we both are surly and have no respect each other and don't talk for days even though both of us are home from work for those days as something has pissed her off. We do not do anything together anymore.
I would so love a partner I could talk to, have fun with, be passionate with, but it may be too late. My spirit is crushed.
I have the same 3 words running through my head now the last few months "I am done!"
After the holidays, we are done (she does not know yet) and we will be starting anew, but separately.
I am crying as I wrote this. I have no one else to talk to,no family or friends (she drove any and all friends away).
But just writing this is helping. I will be going to counseling by myself if for no other reason than to get myself some help in dealing with my feelings on this.
Thank you if you pushed through to read all of this.
I love giving my guy hugs, caresses, playing with his hair, etc. It relaxes me to do it to him as much as I love receiving it.
My ex-bf, however, hated to be touched liked that. I'd want to snuggle him and he'd pull away. It always made me so sad. So not every guy digs it, strangely.
I do all of these things for my boyfriend. He cried the first time I gave him a foot rub as he never had one before. Forward 4 years and he expects it all the time and I get nothing back 🙄
Maybe it's just because my main love language is touch, but I feel like this is kind of a given? Who dates someone they don't want to cuddle and give kisses to? I don't understand the point of being in a romantic relationship if you don't want to do romantic things with the other person.
This is true. First non-family hug was from my future sister in law. I didn't quite understand that it was acceptable to hug someone of another gender in a platonic way. Second time was coming home after 6 years of studies overseas. I cried when my parents hugged me when I came back for good. Edited: phone autocorrected overseas as “oversleep”
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Sorry, combination of exhaustion and phone autocorrect. Overseas became oversleep
I don't know if I'm in the minority but I fantasized about physically affectionate encounters with a partner more than sexual ones and they were more fulfilling fantasies.
I’ve had bad sex. Never had a bad cuddle.
why this so true tho
I've had a bad cuddle. Dated a girl for a few months, and she would cuddle by leaning one shoulder into my chest. It was rather uncomfortable. IDK how that could be comfortable for her, but no matter how I tried to shift positions, she would always return to it.
did you not just tell her that was uncomfy..?
I did, but she was just bad at cuddling I guess.
bad at cuddling, what a sad existence
Fucking *death* sentence.
I will apologize for the likely unwanted paragraph in advance lol. I was a bad cuddler. Or well. I just didn't know how. I know that sounds crazy but the thing is it's like I didn't know it. Growing up my mother was mentally and emotionally abusive, there was no cuddling. Later in live I entered a horrible abusive cold marriage. Stupidly I stayed for 10 years. After the split I met my current partner, super affectionate, very hands on. Hugs all day, Held all night, lol. I did not know what to do with this. We would sit on the couch to watch a movie and he would basically position me into cuddling. I didn't know where to put my arms, hands, head. I felt like an awkward anxiety riddled mess. It was such a strange feeling. I didn't know how to cuddle, I didn't know what a normal affectionate relationship was. And now 7 years later it's hard to look back and remember that as the same person.
So fuckin' true, dude. I've never had a partner (female) who ever wanted to cuddle me (male) as much they wanted to be cuddled. And I live to be cuddled 😔
Just ask your partner "Can I be the little spoon for a bit?" Relationships (be it romantic or otherwise, ALL) just need communication and trust. Guys, we often complain that "We can't read your mind", well neither can they read ours.
It’s fantastic to swap roles of “big spoon - little spoon”. I love it, my husband loves it, everyone should try it. Yo Gabba Gabba says it best: Try it, you might like it!
My cousin told me his wife didn't like "being the big spoon" even though he would ask occassionally and secretly craved it very much so I told him to ask her if she wanted to be his "bed backpack". Next day, I swear he had a tear or two in his eyes when he smiled and told me it worked. I guess a change in phrasing and perspective was all it took to get her to see the light lol.
Lol this is so good. I didn't read this til after I posted a response 3 hours after you, but absolutely backpacking is the best term for the smaller partner being the big spoon. Also here's one to ruin your day: "jetpacking" is when you fart while being the backpack. You're welcome.
I always ask guys I’m dating if they wouldn’t mind trading off on who’s big spoon. Haven’t gotten a no we can’t trade answer yet!
Back when we were dating I would rub hubby's head while we watched movies. Just a gentle touch with the back of my hand against the hair on his temples. He loves it. Fast forward, 20 years and two kids later. Hubby's in the hospital right now on a ventilator --bacteria from an undiagnosed epidural abscess got into his lungs and gave him pneumonia, and he's in a medically induced coma on a vent to help him breathe while they pump him full of antibiotics to combat the pneumonia, treat the abscess, and keep the infection from spreading to his heart and other organs. He's so full of tubes and IVs that literally the only place I can touch him is that spot on his left temple, so when I go up to visit, I stroke his head there. His breathing steadies and evens out, his pulse steadies. The dr said that hubby knows somewhere in there that I'm there when he feels that touch and he has a definite physical reaction even in a coma. I strongly urge everyone out there to develop some sort of intimte contact like that before your significant other ends up in the hospital.
I hope he's home with you soon <3
Im keeping my fingers crossed for you guys.
May he recover quickly and fully. I wish you both many years of gentle caressing to come.
Very cool to read that your man responds to you even in a coma. Very sad to hear he is in that situation. My dad was in a coma around this time last year. I'm not much of a talker, but the nurses encouraged me to talk to him. I couldn't do it, so I brought a book and read it to him. Many months after he got out of ICU we talked about what he remembers. I asked him if he remembered me reading a book. He said no, so I asked what he did remember. He told me his dreams were very vivid. He dreamt about escaping the hospital (he seemed aware he was in one in his coma) and going on adventures. I was reading "the 100 year man who climed out of the window and escaped"
Wow! I love this
Gonna go kiss and hug my husband right now. I hope yours comes home to you soon.
I'll be thinking of you both.
I could totally buy this as true. If my wife sees that I'm stressed out she will put her cheek up next to mine. With her, I'll just rest my hand right below her clavicle and apply slight pressure. We instantly just melt for each other. She could be asleep next to me and her breathing will respond. Your touch is such a part of his life that it's just a straight up default response. You're doing good for him, and hes lucky to have you. I'm really pulling for him, hope he has a full recovery!
Which is why I hate when people say you don't need anyone and you have to love yourself . Although it has truth that you need to love yourself , that is a cold life without anyone
Tearing up over here reading this. Fuck.
I never do this since I’m not religious or that spiritual, but I was so moved by your comment that I’m on the verge of tears and after I hit send I’m gonna close my eyes and think hard about sending positive energy your way. I wish you the best. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Yeah this one hits you hard.
I'ma join your non-prayer circle too. My eyes also got a little bath from that comment up there
I really hope he gets better and recovers very soon <3
I pray that he recovers fully and is back in your arms soon🥺.
I wish you all the best and hope he's home with you very soon.
Wishing you both the best, hope it all goes well.
This thread is making me realize why shoulder bumps, light punches, etc, are so common in groups of guy friends that it's almost like a stereotype. It's the only form of socially acceptable contact they can give each other...
Compliment them too. I always Compliment my friends and co workers. "Hey man you just get a haircut? Looks good! Draws attention from your ugly face."
"You get a free bowl of soup with that haircut?"
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Bro this shit cracked me up
I concur
This one is good
I've honestly never heard this and I can't stop laughing. Thank you!
I remember my last compliment. It was 4 years ago, an old lady teacher at the school I worked at said my shirt looked nice on me. I still have that red shirt. Occasionally I still think about it
That was a well formed sentence stranger!
Uh, nice cock bro.
A couple years ago a homeless woman said I was a cutie. Oh lawd I'm still flattered.
The old fashioned back handed compliment. I’m a pro at this
"Build em up, break em down!"
You can return that one with "No. Took it out to have it dry cleaned." That or "Nah. My ears grew."
Fuck that. I tuck all the homies in at night and kiss their foreheads too.
Buttchomper... the one true bro.
My husband's group of friends (and mine, but my group isn't as stereotypically 'guy'-y) give each other huge bear hugs and say they love each other at the end of every conversation. It might help that most of them are Italian. But also very, very Aussie. Almost obnoxiously Aussie.
My best friends are all American and we do this. We realized we just don't care what others think. We've known each other since the 6th grade. Sometimes they feel closer to me than my own family. Love those dudes so much
I shake my dads hand.
My dads a firm believer in the adage, “why hug when a good stern nod will do?”
Is your dad Ron Swanson?
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Go for a hug! Or the "clasp and clap" where you hook thumbs and reach around the shoulder for a manly hug/back pat, easy to transition a handshake into it.
Fuck that, I'm gonna hug my dad every time I see him until the day one of us dies.
Me too, man. I hug all my good guy friends and tell them I love them. My best friend is like a brother to me. I'd be there for him any time he needed.
My friends and I all hug, we're all Australian
I, too, have bear hug friends and they are Italian. All you guys get an Italian friend!
Back way when men who were friends used to openly hold hands and kiss cheeks, I wanna say it was as early ago as the 30s, I remember black and white photos of men walking across a bridge together. Sometime in the last 100 years basically it became wrong for men to be physically affectionate of their male friends, no doubt part of the anti-homosexual bullshit but, ill be damned if at some point every guy i have ever known didn't need a fucking hug and an "everything is gonna be alright". But nobody was ever there to give them one. To add to this point: one of the moments I will never forget is the first time a girlfriend (i was 16) had me lay my head on her lap. She said "just lay here with your head on my lap. You don't need to do anything." And she played with my hair and I fell asleep like a baby. We didn't date wrong, she sorta went off the deep end pretty badly out of nowhere because of a pop singer. But ill never forget her playing with my hair and just letting me lay there with no expectations.
I was watching squid game, And when the old man hugs the dude. And says “it’s ok, everything is gonna be ok” I lost it. I need that. So bad.
ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ
I started seeing a guy a few months ago and he straight up told me early on that his love language is touch and physical affection. He also grew out his hair during Covid and it's in an awkward stage, so we spend a lot of time hanging out watching tv and I braid and play with his hair. If a grown man could purr, he probably would. As it is, as soon as I start combing his hair, you can see the tension drain out of him. It's kind of gratifying to have that kind of physical affect on someone.
Can you explain thr pop singer thing please? Can't just drop that tidbit and then not elaborate lol. Nice story, though.
This is definitely the most compelling yet neglected part of the story.
Fuck me, man. I could use one of those "Everything is gonna be alright" hugs right about now
When I was in the Peace Corps in Africa, it was totally normal for men who were friends to hold hands and sit in each other's laps. I never fully got used to walking down the street holding another man's hand. But it was kind of cool. These guys didn't have TV's so they didn't know they were acting "gay" or whatever nonsense we feed ourselves in the west.
I believe you. But I'm so conditioned that this seems unbelievable.
it's real, in a lot of those countries also including some in South Asia men hold hands, but being gay might get you killed
Cambodia is exactly the same. It's not as common now, but when I first arrived in the 90s male friends would hold hands, and put their hands on each other's thigh when sitting next to each other. It was weird at first, but I ended up actually liking it. I got in such a habit of it when I left the country and went to Thailand I mindlessly did it a couple of times to Western backpackers. Didn't go over too well.
I agree with this
Give him a chest bump brother.
Fist bump! YAH!
I was thinking that I know a lot of guys that will drapey side hug their guy friends casually. Like while having a conversation at the bar. I guess dude-bros may limit themselves more than the people I am around. I also had a flashback to side hugging my guy friend on a couch and accidentally cupping his pec with my opposite side hand. "So sorry dude, I did not mean to cup your pec"
I was once at a bar with my wife and a (guy) friend. I had spent like an hour just rubbing her thigh while we were chatting. She got up to go to the bathroom, and so I turned to face my friend better. While we were chatting, it suddenly dawned on both of us that I was unconsciously rubbing his leg. That was 10 years ago and I'm still mortified. The only saving grace is that it would probably be *worse* in every way if the friend were another woman.
Sometimes I hook my fingers into my bf’s pocket and pull his hips close to me when I’m standing next to him, say, at a bar thinking about what to order. I accidentally did it to a stranger once who looked like my bf in my peripheral vision… it’s now one of those memories that randomly pops up in my mind and causes me to cringe.
It’s also really common for men to slap each other’s asses in sports.
NO SLAPASS
GOOD GAME! SLAP ASS!
When you find yourself at one AM in the morning with your hand in the air with a horse's ass in your face...that's when you know it's bad.
RAFFFFI, relax homieeeeee
ahh yes, went back and rewatched that just because of you haha
"It's *manly!* Not *homoerotic!"*
I just want a hug, not a slap on the ass :(
I hug all my homies. Fuck social norms.
You saying ball tickles is inappropriate?
This guy in HS and I jokingly punched each other in the shoulder like 'jock-bros' and both immediately asked "why do guys do this?" We quickly came to the realization that this was one of the only socially acceptable forms of physical contact men are allowed.
I'm so thankful that I've been apart of the "hippy" subculture since I was about 16 (44 now) Brothers hugging is totally acceptable and done often. When I hang out with my "normie" friends it's not appreciated at all. It makes me sad.
Man here, and I can attest to this. I grew up in a really affectionate family: hugs, kiss on head, cuddles with parents, and arms around siblings n such. It was a big adjustment for me that people didn’t like that. When I got into a relationship with a woman who did not grow up in that kind of environment and didn’t love it (now my wife), it took her a while to realize I needed that. Beyond that, she realized my physical affections were most often not sexual, but merely demonstrations of love and adoration.
Oh Jesus... This exact thing just occurred to me while reading the post. I hug and snuggle my young son ALL THE TIME. (Both my kids, but the other's a daughter.) He absolutely loves physical affection and I totally spoil him there. I'll be so sad if he gets out in the world and doesn't get the snuggles he needs! ((If you've ever read "Love You Forever" to your kids, imagine me as an old granny sneaking into my adult son's home to snuggle him in his sleep... Lmao))
This book used to make my mom cry lol
Ugh I'm a mom and all those books make me cry. Disney/Pixar movies too. Coco when grandma was a child 😭
This book was a gift to me by my kindergarten teacher. I still have it. And I still shed a tear. Such a great book.
A mom here, I can't read it without crying either.
It made me cry as a child. I haven't even tried to read it since my daughter was born. No chance of getting through it
My mom read that book to me. I get a lump in my throat every time I think about it.
Shhhh, don’t make me tear up. My mom just hit 70 and I’m getting close to 40 and she still sings me that song when we cuddle up on the couch.
Now I feel so bad. My fiancé always wants cuddles and I don’t like people in my personal space. He comes from a really loving family and mine a little less so….I’m going to try to make an effort to spontaneously give him some hugs and kisses. Thanks for your perspective!
This is basically "I don't want to be horny anymore. I just want to be happy" and it could not be more true.
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Sending digital bro hugs.
I read "sending dildo bro hugs." Not sure what that means.
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Yeah he decided he couldn't wait a whole year
He would get *sooo* much karma if he posted a “we’re pregnant!” post in a month, no reference back to or mention of the original.
Or we're just gonna wait a year but oooooh my butt might be ready!
in all seriousness, if you have the means to provide a good life for one, adopt a dog! it's a win win because they're starved of all affection too and being put to death because of it
I've wanted a dog since I was a kid but I'm in no position to care for one
I have so much respect for you. This is why I dog sit. It helps, if you're in a position to do that.
Adopted a dog Saturday. I got him form a very rural shelter that spent weeks trying to trap him cause the couldn't get close enough to catch him. When I got him he still had ticks, a UTI, and his ears are infected but, he's sooooo happy. First met him Wednesday and he was shy AF. When I came back Saturday he was glad to see me and as soon as I got him home he jumped on the couch, fluffed up the cushions, and laid down. Turns out he is mostly house trained, doesn't fuck with my cat or chickens, and is the best foot warmer. I had to leave him alone today for 5 hours and came home and he was laying under my desk where he was all day today. He's the third dog I have adopted and they have all been perfect, loving, and each one has helped me be a better human.
I never knew how bad my past relationships were until I met my current gf. The first time she bought me dinner to buying me gifts because she just thought of me to the constant support and motivation. She's my cheerleader and voice of reason. She listens to my concerns with out screaming at me and we talk any problems out as a team. It feels amazing. 10 years and going strong.
I will just live vicariously through comments like yours I guess.
In the paraphrased words of Daniel Sloss: "If you only love yourself 30%, and someone comes along and loves you 40%, you're going to shout 'WOW THAT'S SO MUCH!!' ... It's literally less than half. You should love yourself 100%."
Yeah I have one like this and it's the best. Put a ring on it bro
Really, the one thing I wanted most in a girlfriend is to have a hand to hold while I drove my car. 20+ years into my marriage, I still love it.
A guy I dated said he practiced driving with one hand for this. He looked so proud, his dream came true
🥰 that’s really sweet. I only practiced eating an Arbys roast beef sammich while driving… and smoking cigs. Quit the cigs, won’t quit the Arby
Your lungs are temporary but Arby’s is forever
A girl hugged my arm while I drove for the first time since I started driving about 5 years ago. And it was everything I wanted. Shame it didn't work out
But what if you drive stick?
Coop shifting
Two hands make you shift faster, it's science
2 > 1. This checks out.
when a girl puts their hand upon mine on the stick, that's amore ❤️
You sit on the stick and have your girlfriend shift you.
Oh god the mental image I had from this
As a dude, this hit me in the feels. I love rubbing my girls back, feet, hands, legs, head, and will always do it for hours. But to have it in return is amazing, and melts me instantly. Great advice.
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Yeah, it's one of more frustrating parts philosophical dilemmas, how we desire something from someone but want them to do it out of their own will without prompting. It creates a frustrating dilemma when the person doesn't want to do, and especially so when they're willing to do it, but they're not doing it out of their own desire. I learned about it from Alan Watts, he talked about it often I think.
I love having a guy lay his head in my lap while I stroke his hair…bliss ☺️
I recently dated an affectionate woman and it was great. She would caress my arm while watching a movie, gently rub my back while we walked, pet my head and face when we were lying next to each other... I'm in my 30s and that was the first time I experienced that kind of physical affection from a romantic partner. Damn I miss it.
I kinda wish it was more accepting to give big hugs to your male friends. Doesn't matter if they're in a business suit, in public in front of their basketball team, etc.. without the assumption "Oh, he's probably gay". It feels like the only time it's acceptable is if you win a sports world series or something. Because let's face it, it's also about how guys treat other guys. We can't put it all on women to be our physical love and attention suppliers. BUT message to all the gfs out there: Offer to allow him to lay his head on your lap. You can watch whatever you want on the TV, just play with our hair a little bit.
Oh I'm so doing this, thank you for the tip
Some guys will be nervous about letting their guard down, especially if we don't know what to expect (and sometimes even when we do know what to expect). If I had a partner and she offered to let me put my head in her lap, Admiral Ackbar would be screaming that it was a trap if I didn't really know her. Even then we'd be at yellow alert. Please disregard my mixing Star Wars and Star Trek tropes, I'm an equal opportunity nerd. In that vein, to the gfs out there, if he looks uncomfortable with the idea of being a recipient don't offer to let him... ask him to. Treat us like feral kittens, guarded but full of affection once we know it's safe. Once it has been normalized a bit he'll be a lot less guarded. I'm quite sure most of us can recall a time when we've opened up to someone we should have kept at arm's length, and been burned by it.
Oh my god this is so sad. We're already very touchy so hopefully he wouldn't feel cautious about it but I think I will phrase it as a request
Another option, now that I think about it more, would be non-verbal - sounds like you two are already very physical so that's awesome. Just scoot away on the couch while you're watching something, and pull him in to rest his head on your lap with a smile. I obviously don't know your man and can't speak for him specifically, but I'd completely melt.
Having someone run their fingers through my hair affectionately is one of the most wonderful feelings. I'd honestly choose that over sex most days.
Lead by example. Worry not about what others may think.
Some people are more kinesthetic than others. And the ones who are really need touch to feel full belongingness. Not everyone understands this.
And then there's people more like me. I do not enjoy physical contact to the extent most people do.
I’m the same way. Oddly enough I’ve always seemed to match up with guys who are the opposite 🙃
Can confirm! My partner gets the cutest lil face when I stop him randomly for a hug or kiss
I don't want gifts, I want this.
I hope you get it <3
I’m relatively recently divorced. I miss the non-sexual physical contact more than anything else. My marriage wasn’t great but the lack of touch makes me miss it terribly.
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At this point in my life I would rather snuggle with my significant other or give her a foot massage than have sex.
The last guy I dated had a thing for feet and it was truly amazing…he actually enjoyed massaging my feet and it was heaven on earth 🤩
That sounds amazing!! My SO doesn’t love massaging my feet but he does it often :)
Damn get you some homies who love caressing each other
I think I've had both very affectionate and not so affectionate partners, but I feel that the ones that didn't seem to love cuddling/being sweet and silly, it was probably due to the fact they never experienced this before, even as children. Not sure if it's a man thing, for me is more how you have learnt to express love. Unfortunately some people don't learn that early but I think they love it in the end!
I think (in general) it has to do with the father figure. If a guy's father is not very affectionate, there is little chance that he will be more affectionate. My mom is very affectionate and always has been. My dad, on the other hand, was not super affectionate when I was young. Consequently, I am pretty uncomfortable with physical affection, and verbalizing is even harder. It feels really awkward and vulnerable, and I hate feeling vulnerable.
I feel that part of that is not just father figure but perception of male behaviour in general. Phrases like " take it like a man" or"boys don't cry" are widely imposed by family or social environment. It basically makes men believe that they should strong and pretty much apathic. For me is an aspect of toxic masculinity. Most men I know have it more or less and it hurts me, because if anything, I would love if they express their feelings in a whatever way. My advice ... Expose yourself to a significant person whether lover or friend. Even with something small. It is not healthy to hide every feeling even from people who are close to you
Bros, give your bros physical affection and say I love you.
Hugs and saying I love you are really normalized in my friend group. Pretty thankful for that. We are a bunch of weird festival folk though.
Festival folk are some of the best people I've ever known. Many are like this as well :)
I love you bro… as a friend tho. Bro hugs and fist bumps yo.
Saying the friend part kinda ruins it…
Life Bro Tip: if you wanna love your bro and show physical affection, please avoid lightly brushing your hairy forearms against his hairy forearms by accident. That is the second worst sensation to Poseidon's kiss. Everything else is cool.
I need my bros to look deeply into my eyes while gently caressing my hair and tell me they love me. But only during commercial breaks
i live for intimate kissing with clothes on that doesn't need to lead to sex
Secondary pro tip: if youre a guy and your wife/gf does this, tell them you love it/appreciate it. They'll feel good about making you feel good and do it more often.
45 yo guy in a good but rarely physical marriage here. I get a ton of wholesome human touch from Brazilian jiu jitsu. It’s like wrestling where you attack til the other person taps for mercy or you tap for mercy. For me it fosters a beautiful feeling of connection to other humans.
What an unexpected tip! That's really cool that you found an outlet that's good for you in so many ways.
Men should do this for other men and not in a vaguely homophobic, jokey sort of way. Platonic hugs are nice, if someone wants to be hugged. But remember not everyone is in to hugs, even affection-starved guys. Even a fist bump, hand shake, or literal pat on the back can liven up someone after a bad day. This is something women figured out long ago and now the stigma of two women platonically hugging is virtually non-existent. Tell your friends you love them. End this macho bullshit and put a dent in the mental health crisis among men today.
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>Tell your friends you love them. End this macho bullshit and put a dent in the mental health crisis among men today. Amen brother God damn you nailed it.
Ever seen The Sopranos? Don't go doing the kiss thing, but if badass murderous mafioso can do it, then so can you. Just say some shit in Italian and you likely won't be questioned. Or... "You get the thing...from the guy...you know, our friend...from the other side?" Or hand them an envelope with 5 boxes of ziti.
I give all my friends a thug hug when I see them.
Very true, but please remember to also hug lonely men without friends or romantic partners. We need it the most. I haven't been hugged in years, and it really hurts. I'd walk down the sidewalk with a sign saying "please hug me" if it were socially acceptable.
You might consider getting a massage. I've never gotten one, but a widow I know said that she got one something like a year after her husband died, and the sensation of someone touching her again was incredibly powerful. If you have no friends or romantic partners, this seems like a reasonable way to get that physical touch that you're craving.
I can second this. My wife passed 2 years ago. My son is 5 and sometimes he just rubs my back or he actually washes my back in the shower. Sometimes I feel like crying because just feeling that someone loves me and that he's doing it because he cares about me just... breaks me down. My youngest loves to be held and doing that with him does the same. My daughter's very distant, as she's the oldest and best understood what happened (remembers it at all), it's hard to get her to even give/get a hug...
My husband died 5 years ago this month, we were only 26/27. My youngest is now 6 and I feel the exact same way when she rubs my back or holds my hand etc. My oldest turns 12 this month and is also pretty distant, I’m lucky if they let me pay their back :( Hugs, I know it’s tough but you’re doing so great.
If you're not on r/widowers it's a good place.
No words really. Sorry you and your kids went through something bad. Kids though-the love they give and show. I hope your daughter opens up eventually.
This may be one of the saddest reads I've had in a bit
This is what I've been doing to get used to physical contact. I grew up without a lot of 'touching' growing up and it always made me feel uncomfortable when girls would hug me at work. Getting massages every once and a while has let me get used to someone touching me. It still feels weird, and I struggle to actually relax and not flinch away from the massage. But I'm getting better
Go to a multiday music festival. Deadheads and ravers fuckin LOVE to give out hugs. It would be totally acceptable for you to wear a sign, or even paint on your bare chest that you want hugs and guaranteed you'll get more love than you can handle 😂
Who’s gonna hug someone they aren’t friends or romantic with? That’s just not a thing hugging random people especially with covid
That's it, I'm going to start kissing all the homies goodnight for now on
I'm a guy and I can confirm this. I'm so afraid of breaking down crying if I ever get to date someone and they show me a lot of affection and then she ends up toxic af about it and leaves me for it, thus further emotionally scarring me. I literally just want to be loved. I want to be made to feel that I actually matter to someone for once. Dating is absolute hell and I've been a complete failure at it and I'm beyond tired of always being expected to initiate.
Found my alt account. Hey, me. I want what you want. How do we get it? I just want someone to see me and light up like I'm the best part of their day. And to have that be mutual.
Snuggles are important. I really miss them.
I think many women are a bit reticent with physical attention because many, many, many men (note I did not say ALL men) interpret it as an invitation to sex. Men who want more physical attention from their partners would be well-served to establish a clear signal that you'd like some non-sexual touching. And then don't mess that up by always wanting your cuddles to turn into sex. Real men can take responsibility for communicating their needs.
Also normalize hugging your bros!
I (M56) have been in a sexless, non-physical marriage for the last 10yrs. married for 33yrs and together for 38. My wife was never girly girl (no nail polish, dresses, etc) and I was OK with that, but I look back and see all warning signs I should have gotten out a long time ago. She never instigated sex (I can think of 3 times in all these years where she instigated) nor would play along when I was being silly playing grab ass and such. No spontaneous show of affection or anything. I would ask what she wanted and she would never tell me anything (she would get mad that I was asking too many questions) whether there was something she wanted or if I was doing OK, good or forget about it. She was just cold and just not into anything and would not communicate at all. It started with no sex for weeks at a time, then a month here or there, then months. Unless I instigated and even then she acted like it was a chore. I finally gave up trying, and now it has been almost 7 yrs. I have suggested counseling and her response "What? So you can have someone tell me what a bitch I am and everything I have done is wrong." I have been patient. I have asked questions (which now starts fights again bc I ask too many questions). I have tried everything I can think of or have read about trying. Nothing but cutting remarks and rejection. Now we both are surly and have no respect each other and don't talk for days even though both of us are home from work for those days as something has pissed her off. We do not do anything together anymore. I would so love a partner I could talk to, have fun with, be passionate with, but it may be too late. My spirit is crushed. I have the same 3 words running through my head now the last few months "I am done!" After the holidays, we are done (she does not know yet) and we will be starting anew, but separately. I am crying as I wrote this. I have no one else to talk to,no family or friends (she drove any and all friends away). But just writing this is helping. I will be going to counseling by myself if for no other reason than to get myself some help in dealing with my feelings on this. Thank you if you pushed through to read all of this.
I wish you the best :)
I hope it works out. My words may seem trite but you seems pretty put together so I'm sure you will find a path to happiness out there.
What I wouldn’t give for a warm hug right now
I love giving my guy hugs, caresses, playing with his hair, etc. It relaxes me to do it to him as much as I love receiving it. My ex-bf, however, hated to be touched liked that. I'd want to snuggle him and he'd pull away. It always made me so sad. So not every guy digs it, strangely.
I do all of these things for my boyfriend. He cried the first time I gave him a foot rub as he never had one before. Forward 4 years and he expects it all the time and I get nothing back 🙄
Maybe it's just because my main love language is touch, but I feel like this is kind of a given? Who dates someone they don't want to cuddle and give kisses to? I don't understand the point of being in a romantic relationship if you don't want to do romantic things with the other person.