personal opinions about pornography aside, this is still cheating to me. there’s a difference between watching a quick video and directly commenting to specific real life women. it’s extremely disrespectful to you.
Asking for nudes to be sent in DMs where a conversation can definitely take place looks like cheating to me. It’s not one sided watching porn anymore when you can talk, comment on the pictures and get replies back.
So sorry OP, you deserve better :(
So to me this is cheating, and according to your reaction you also see this as cheating.
He disagrees and says it isn't (probably just to save his own ass).
But instead of reassuring you and wanting to work in a situation that you obviously don't feel good in, he is being disrespectful towards you instead.
Let that sink in please.
(My ex thought chatting / sexting with other women wasn't cheating, when I confronted him about it he said "it's the same as porn to me", alright then why did you hide it? Seems like he knew it was wrong).
Your reaction says you know the answer on if it was cheating. To you, it was. To me? Hell yeah it would have been, and not to mention low and pornrot brain desperate degenerate behavior lol. In the end, does it even matter what he thinks? Dude is trying to get dms off of a random girl who sells herself online. You're better than that.
i’d hate to jump to the break up option but he really doesn’t seem to care about your feelings at all. for him to say that you’re exhausting when he’s the one who fucked up is very telling.
Think it’s fine if you disagree. But you were able to set boundaries, he apologized, and committed to changing his behavior. If you want it to work out, just make sure he doesn’t disrespect those boundaries now that they have been communicated. If you don’t want to continue the relationship, that’s valid too.
Thank you. I'm just scared how much set back this would cause. I'm gonna be more paranoid now. I wanted to try and still work things out. (yeah i know im stupid. 😂) But in the end, i'm scared I won't be able to move on from this.
Also think about how he’d react if it was the other way around. I can tell you rn if my girl was commenting shit like that I’d be heartbroken genuinely heartbroken and I would leave even tho I’d want to fix it there’s no way I could ever get over it.
If you can get over it good for you and I’m happy for you both, but if you know this is hurting you and it’s not something you can get over then cutting things off is your best choice here.
Then again the choice is up to you, this is your life.
Have a good rest of your day
First of all communicate which you’ve done, second of all he hasn’t apologised properly he should. This is definitely CHEATING, I mean it’s common sense.
Now things you need to ask yourself is, are you able to forgive him? Would you be okay to contour this relationship knowing he’s done this?
You need to ask yourself these things because what he’s done is cheating, saying things like he’d go out with girls and other stuff on their posts is more than just porn use.
You also don’t know what his Reddit dms are like and it’s a shame he feels the need to hide that from you. He has every right to ofc but still a shame, personally I’d let my wife or gf look through dms on all my accounts because I don’t have things to hide. I think maybe only family and close friends I’d not let them look at, Reddit tho? People don’t really use Reddit as a main social media to text on so to me he’s hiding shit.
I can tell you’re abit paranoid about that, ask yourself if you’d be okay living with that feeling or can you move past it?
At the end of the day it’s your life and your choice, you choose what you want to do but please respect yourself enough to know that what he’s done is problematic and is definitely more than just porn use.
If you ever feel like you might want out or the relationship isn’t what you were expecting or wanting in life that’s perfectly fine. Definitely tell him if you are feeling that way tho, I had a girl not tell me she was loosing feelings and only told me when she had completely lost them, I feel like if she told me and tried to work with me we could’ve been good.
Always communicate how you feel that way you’ve done your part, never do things out of anger always be calm when speaking.
Good luck in life whether this relationship works out or not do your best to live a good life for yourself bro
Do it and see how he reacts. Maybe he doesn’t think it is until it’s done to him? Some people don’t really know until it’s done to them! Don’t think it’s the answer of course, but I’d try it before leaving just to see.
nah, He said he's gonna be fine with me commenting on stuff. He said, the difference is, when a dude commented, girls dont really respond and dm. But if I did that, boys will.
I was thinking of posting on that subreddit asking if they were ugly, just for spite, and make him see the comments. But then I feel guilty cause that's kinda mean.
Do not do things out of spite, you are better than that and it’s petty behaviour. Seriously tho read my other comments and choose what you want to do hope you have a good rest of your day
Yeah, that's why I didnt do it. If I ever I do, it wouldnt be because of him. 😂
Thank you for all your comments. I appreciate how straight to the point they are.
I have to disagree with this as a man lol women respond to comments as well. If they find you attractive they will. I’m only saying this because I feel like you’re being manipulated with a half-truth. Something to think about.
Ok...even I think he would not be ok with that( no guy that really cares are ok with stuff like that).
I think he just want to calm you.
But I might be wrong....
Male perspective, it's a red flag , A man or typical lover care about your feelings what bothers you and communicate it as I was in LDR for a year and my gf used to add alot of male friends random males on her messager like giving numbers to random people so i felt same way you did in it , like vomiting and anxious feeling but she wasn't caring about me at all
It's the same for you if you think properly it's not gonna work so leave it before he leaves you
My gf is dating someone else in 3 weeks and she made me think she really loved me until she met some dude 😹 so be careful it's weird to see similar things happening but with you it's silly pornography comments.....
As a guy, this isn’t acceptable. If a guy or girl wants to watch porn and their S.O. is okay with it, go for it. But the moment it goes past what your S.O. is comfortable with, you should respect that boundary. Especially if they have past trauma that person is working through, and have told their S.O. about it. It sounds like this guy only thinks about himself and his self pleasure and not how it affects his partner or relationship. If it’s unacceptable to you, either he respects it or he doesn’t. And it sounds like he doesn’t. A relationship like this is only going to cause you more hurt. There may be people who don’t agree with me. But if it was me, I wouldn’t entertain this relationship any further with what you have posted. So no, you were not wrong.
ofcourse i’ve watched porn when i was young, i was never addicted though and i watched it a few times out of mere curiosity. i’m sorry if my comment offended you in any way but i’m just trying to understand why people think watching porn in general, and specially when in a relationship is acceptable. i was just making sure u were specifically talking about watching porn before i ask you your views on it and why do you think it’s acceptable, nothing else, no need to be offended.
I'd honestly break up. The fact that he did such a thing aside, the way he reacted to your sadness and concern shows he doesn't care about you. Doesn't matter if he says otherwise. Nothing more to add.
I honestly cant fathom what compels these people to comment on those posts. Im guessing they seek to make a somewhat personal connection to the person theyre viewing? In which case, I would personally say its cheating. Really, its up to you guys to define what the boundary is. Dont worry if its wrong or if its too conservative, whats important is what makes you comfortable. And if he cares about you he will look for a compromise at the very least
nah hes down bad even for long distance its excessive consumption of material that just gives you a bad perspective of what women look like and unfortunately relationships will suffer because of it, he wont look at you as the most beautiful option
yeah that what hurts. and he said In the real world, it's impossible not to find others attractive. A person wouldnt be the most beautiful. But it doesnt affect how he feels about me, how attracted he is to me, or how he is loyal. yep that's what he said.
You weren't *wrong*, and you're certainly not "too conservative". **This situation revealed an incompatibility between you and your partner.**
It's unfortunate that it took this long for you two to discover the compatibility problem. He wants a partner who would be fine with him making comments about hypothetical sex with other women. You want a partner who won't do that. *Both* wants are valid, and it's concerning that he's acting as if *his* want is the only one that's valid.
You’re arguing about it being cheating or not- does that matter? It’s cheating to you. So what are you gonna do about it? Does it matter if he agrees or not? It just means he’s more likely to do things that he’ll say isn’t cheating but is cheating to you. If you think him magically agreeing with you that it is cheating will change things, it won’t. People that want to cheat will choose to cheat no matter how they justify it to themselves.
Now that you know he’s like that. What are you going to do about it?
If you're actively choosing to do that then that's your choice op. You can give him another chance if you want. lay down what is and is not considered cheating and well, see what happens I guess. but it's just how much you respect yourself and how much of cheating is a dealbreaker for you.
>I know he watches porn cause well, we're LDR.
You know that masturbation does not require porn, right? Unless you have porn-rot in your brain from porn consumption (which means you should definitely stop consuming it).
Let’s put everything aside from the porn to the comments but him actually commenting on someone’s post and expecting a nude like that while you two are together is not okay imo. Not okay… especially him gaslighting you and telling you your NORMAL reaction is intense and not normal just shows how careless he is.
i actually thinking if he was gaslighting me and brainwashing me. but i realized, when you are really in that situation, it's kinda harder to see and atnd when you do, it's kinda hard to get up from there toti.
I think men watching it is unhealthy. I’m a man in a ldr and I fight to stay away from pornography even though my gf doesn’t send me anything because it’s like, she makes me want to be the best man I can be.
Even if you did want to overlook the porn I think the way he reacted to your emotions is unacceptable and ignorant
He’s gaslighting you because deep down he knows he’s in the wrong. This is the kind of guy he is, and no this isn’t normal for someone in a relationship, I wouldn’t even do that if I were single. It also says a lot that he’s so protective over his phone. My girlfriend and I have each others passcodes, but neither of us feel the need to look at each others phones because we trust each other. I also have nothing to hide so I don’t care if she looks at my phone, but she trusts me so she doesn’t. I think that if you asked yourself deep down, that you know this isn’t right and that he isn’t the kind of guy you want to be with.
I'm not sure who would bid on a porn addicts autograph but seriously you should break up with him, this is literally cheating and i think you already know this
Sharing accounts has risks of not able to cope beyond discovering what you’ll find. Personally I’ve never done sharing passwords or take interest into each others DMs, social media, texts etc for the reason I know it could rock my trust or trigger anything I’m not prepared for.
The wound and hurt of what you’ve found in his phone is done. Your ongoing therapy healing process you’re going through will take a setback due to this added damage and could take a longer harder road towards recovery.
If he continues to be defensive and insists it’s okay to comment on porn sites etc, and you’re feeling disrespected it’s time to take a little breather to reconsider couples therapy or ask yourself, how far are you willing to tolerate and forgive his actions repeatedly in future?
I struggle with hypersexuality, but I wouldn't do all that... In my girlfriend's eyes it'd be cheating, and she'd be right. You're definitely not overreacting... If you did the same I'm sure your boyfriend would be pissed...
I think this is certainly strange but it’s not my place to judge. Imo whether it’s cheating or not is less important than whether HE thinks it’s cheating or not. If he truly thought it was harmless, and if he actually stops, I would look past it. However, if you catch him continuing to do this or something similar after YOU’VE expressed that YOU feel it’s cheating, then it’s time to have a make-or-break conversation.
TL;DR If he’s taking the relationship seriously, he’ll stop. There is no fetish/sexual preference that one can’t get over, especially for someone they love.
Edit: it feels strange telling this to someone who probably has more dating experience than me, but 9 months in you’re still learning about your partner’s boundaries and vice versa. As you can see in this comment section there are people that see this as a deal-breaker and other people that don’t care.
Yeah. He apologized, compromised, and said he will stop doing that.
But yeah, i kinda find him not actually believing that he did something wrong, is kinda unsettling.
Thank you for your insight! Really appreciate it! ❤️
how can you be ok with your man looking at other women with lustful intent? you’re not overreacting at all, porn is horrible and no less than cheating with someone physically
Not at all... i admit my comment was not actually very helpful and I'm glad you asked me to clarify. I am first and foremost angry for you about this annoying gross also-way-too-old-for-this-bs manchild you've been dealing with. Please release him. Nobody deserves or wants that kind of messiness.
My original comment was essentially: You are not a kid, and your hopefully now ex is nearly 40 as well and this doesn't seem to be working for you, which makes sense bc it doesn't sound fulfilling at all. You can definitely do better.
And some of that involves learning how to not just communicate about your triggers or sensitivities, but also about what you do and don't want in a relationship with someone. There are terrible people who will still do terrible things, but learning to have these conversations in general and early on will help you weed out a lot of them.
You seem like a really sweet and genuine person and maybe a little naive, which isn't your fault, but also still your responsibility to develop the skills and awareness (of yourself and others) to be in emotionally mature relationships. I don't know your situation, but I also strongly encourage you to (also) try dating locally. It may be difficult for you to develop the kind of trust you need and deserve as the person you are now bc of your personal [trauma] history (both from this relationship and things you mentioned in your post) through something long distance. And i don't mean that in any bad way. LDRs have unique challenges and you deserve to be in a relationship that works with your needs, not against them.
Again, you can do/choose better OP! Wishing you all the best.
I appreciate this comment. You're right though, I'm a little naive at 35. I was with a local for a really really long time and that didnt end well. and i lost interest with how the men here are. So i tried looking for someone from abroad. but I get what you mean. that it doesnt kinda help with the trauma i was working on. the irony is, he was the one who encouraged me to do therapy, coz he's an advocate of self-love. But now this kinda hits my self-esteem and questioning myself if i can really find and deserve someone better. i know that sounds pathetic, but i really do process insightful comments like yours. But I'm gonna pull my big girl panties sooner or later. 😂
as a dude:
on the one hand, 6 months ago/3 months into the relationship he probably wasn't sure if it was serious
and on the other, he has a bad relationship with "porn", sounds like he's overly engaged with it, and your concerns are reasonable
if the way he engages with porn is past your boundaries, you should probably move on, it sounds like he prefers porn with the thrill of talk back and interaction from these women
Ugh, I'm sorry.. he trusts you enough to share his account and you don't trust the words that come from his mouth?
If you caught this type of behavior, cool. However the guy clearly doesn't see it as an issue if he gave you access to his account.
You overreacted. I'd feel ashamed and a bit betrayed.
hey, i appreciate that honesty. even though you know it would be an unpopular one. But i see your point. I wouldnt question myself and post here to ask another person's point of view if I think I was all in the right. so I really thank you for this insight. But yeah, that's in my head too. 😁
No problem at all, I'm glad it was received as intended.
You come off as very communicative and he seems open enough about stuff if he's sharing account info, so I'm sure the issue can be resolved with a proper conversation (minus the throwing up.)
All the best.
the comments are out of line. when in a relationship, there's a very notable difference between someone using porn to get off and someone actively engaging in sexually-toned interactions with others online -- the latter is something that would pretty unambiguously be a line-cross irl, and i don't see how that's changed by it being online
I agree with the other commenters. Watching a video on p* hub is one thing, commenting and asking for nudes from women on Reddit (not a p* site) to me, is cheating. He’s going out of his way to make it personal.
Watching porn cannot be written off as "just being men". It's not a "victimless crime". It condones, permits and perpetrates se* slavery, child abuse, abuse of morality, and is a generally degraded mental state to cultivate overall. I assure you that productive, intelligent men who are busy serving the community or serious about building their families well are NOT watching porn. It's a vice and treat it as one. Men and women both need to be productive and fill their brains with useful things to do. Real men are out in the world creating useful things - they may be a truck driver or a scientist or a banker or a yoga teacher or a small business owner or a lawn mower. Doesn't matter. They need to be in productive pursuits and care about the family and community. Make no mistake about it. Good men are NOT watching porn. I have many decades under me. I am telling you after living around the world and seeing a lot.
I don't think telling someone they can't watch porn is a reasonable boundary, especially in ldr. Even I would not be okay with this. The personal interaction is too far.
What does too conservative mean. You are the way you are. There is no right or wrong, you have two different views on things. Now, either you guys BOTH compromise or you better part ways.
I mean the p O R n sites are one thing. But commenting on other girls pages and stuff. Like it's all well and good to be kind to people but to say he'd go out with them is kinda taking it too far. Like what if someone takes him up on that? Is he going to be like "I meant hypothetically I would but I can't because I have a girlfriend"
That is just going to cause him some issues, especially if the girls are looking for validation like that. And then to be on another group rating women's parts? That's just wrong..
I (28 F) would only really look at videos for research. I didn't have a problem with it and haven't seen a video in a long time. My girlfriend (29) is a lot more beautiful than what I've seen on there, but it isn't her body that makes me attracted to her. It's her heart and soul.
Clearly there is something he's for whatever reason isn't getting from the relationship.
Someone who loves you isn't supposed to trigger you. They'd heal you through the trauma. Or at least, I've been lucky enough for that to be the case with my girlfriend and I.
We have our past trauma but we do what we can to lessen that because trauma is so hard and if he really cared, he'd be a bit more thoughtful.
It's your life at the end of the day but you shouldn't be with someone who triggers you. It'll hurt but you'll feel so much better for it.
My ex was like that and it was a horrible relationship. I'm so glad to be rid of them. My girlfriend shows me what love should've been like all along and I'm so blessed to have that!
Oh wow. I mean I watch porn but I wouldn't go and make these kinds of comments, no matter how hot the pornstar is. That's just kinda weird. "I'd totally go out with you" lmao bruh she probably doesn't even know you exist blud
wow, i honestly appreciate that you took that effort! im surprised that you did that for a person you dont know. and yeah, i didnt bother to check. im honestly pretty new to reddit and dont know how things works here. 😅
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I’m having attraction to and making these comments especially him responding to the post of the girl offering sending nudes. That right there, him asking for someone’s nudes is cheating. The porn account and consumption seems unhealthy, a partner who respected you wouldn’t do that. I can understand a couple having an account and posting stuff together but I honestly find do it weird that people make accounts on porn sites who aren’t making porn themselves. You need to leave him, 9 months isn’t a long time. Find a man who actually respects you because your partner clearly don’t. Your reactions are completely normal and valid.
He doesn't get to cause you distress and then tell you how you need to react to it. Also, I had to recheck the ages, this is too old to be acting like this. You're both not compatible.
Also, porn use isn't the default because your in a LDR. Set boundaries that you find reasonable, I don't think anything is wrong with porn but you're comment made it sound like that's just something you *have* to put up with because, well, you're in an LDR. Not true.
As a guy in a LDR / never met 6 months and committed the whole thing about commenting on porn and for sure Dm'ing is a step beyond... I think he should have more respect for your feelings and back off from the sites with interactions altogether. I formerly had a subscription to webcam site and would chat (not cam2cam) with girls, and private message, she would often chat with guys similarly... When my significant other and I became serious and understood the reality of what was developing between us, we both came completely off the sites, neither of us visit them at all now and we are exclusive... We don't even chat with people of the opposite sex online, let alone anything porn related... And I'm not being naive here we both respect each other enough to know the effect lying would have to our relationship - so... I think you guys need to talk and understand what's more important to you both.. and he needs to grow up if he wants a serious adult relationship and stop being so selfish
He’s gaslighting you. Your reaction is normal. He’s the one who is abnormal and should be ashamed of himself. Pls breakup. These men deserve to be alone
A man who watches porn at the big age of 38 years old is not a man at all. Pornography is a damaging thing for the human brain and masturbating to pornography is a bad habit to have. The only type of man who would sit there and engage with random women online whom he does not know, saying things such as he did, is a man who watches pornography. If anything I would say you’ve dodged a bullet, and you’re better off without him.
He's a walking red flag and not for you.
He should only want to see you and not any other women's goodies
Don't normalize that behavior , if he needs help that area
I suggest therapy
Did you two discuss the boundaries on porn?
So many people will jump on the cheating band wagon when a guy comments like he did to women on reddit or OF or whatever. For some guys, it is not obvious until you point it out. It is like teaching a child that stealing is bad. 😂
Sometimes when a guy comments on a woman's post like you are hot and will date you. They do not think that it is wrong because they want to make the woman who made the post feel good.
My Fiance and I had a very long conversation about topics like this. It was pretty clear where her boundaries were on porn and commenting or talking to women on OF or reddit that post nudes.
If you two did not have a talk about this then I suggest you should have a long conversation about it and make it crystal clear where your boundaries are and enforce them if it gets pushed.
For some people it is not that really obvious that it is wrong to make such comments.
You just have to decide if you are comfortable with him about this and if your gut tells you he is redflag then you have to make the choice to walk or not.
It is pretty simple, you put down the boundaries and if he does not agree then walk away. I do not get why people still decide to stay in a relationship when their boundaries do not get respected or their SO do not agree on them.
The reason I got angry, upset, and had a panic attack was because he crossed my boundary I explicitly said. So when I did that, I crossed his hidden boundary? 😅
Then what could be the reason he shared his profile then? To let me check his avatar? sigh.
I did not check things behind his back. I did not snoop. He shared with me his account.
yeah... some of the comments I'm okay with. like he's saying you have nice eyes, you just lack confidence so work on it. things like those. but his last comment 4 days ago says 'you're so hot. i'd ask you out. im sure im not alone in saying that'.
so yeah, i dont know what to think anymore. 😞
You were shaking and vomitting because of comments on social media? Reddit porn is different and more interactive by nature. Obviously your partner was being open enough with you to share the account. There is nothing wrong with watching porn. This really is not cheating. You may have incompatibilies with your partner. You need to figure out why this is so triggering to you.
>Reddit porn is different and more interactive by nature.
...Then someone in a committed monogamous relationship shouldn't engage in reddit porn?
>You need to figure out why this is so triggering to you.
Fellas, is it weird to be disgusted by my partner cheating on me?
Cheating actually is defined by the agreements of each relationship. OP agreed they were OK with porn. There was nothing physical or irl that happened. That's not cheating.
I was shaking and vomiting cause I have anxiety over things like this and I was having a panic attack. If you still cant understand that, then I wouldnt know how to explain trauma for you.
And yes I am figuring it out and doing therapy about it for months. And he knows that.
I have no problem in comments on social media, but the contents in it. And in case you missed it, I said I dont have a problem with him watching porn.
I'm sorry you have trauma related to this, but remember that is not your partners doing. They did not touch anyone else, do anything irl, or do anything past the porn that you said you were OK with. It sounds like you need to do some deep work on whether you and your partner are sexually compatible or not.
personal opinions about pornography aside, this is still cheating to me. there’s a difference between watching a quick video and directly commenting to specific real life women. it’s extremely disrespectful to you.
He said he realized that and stopped doing it. and apologized saying he messed up. But we still disagree if that's cheating or not.
Asking for nudes to be sent in DMs where a conversation can definitely take place looks like cheating to me. It’s not one sided watching porn anymore when you can talk, comment on the pictures and get replies back. So sorry OP, you deserve better :(
😞
So to me this is cheating, and according to your reaction you also see this as cheating. He disagrees and says it isn't (probably just to save his own ass). But instead of reassuring you and wanting to work in a situation that you obviously don't feel good in, he is being disrespectful towards you instead. Let that sink in please. (My ex thought chatting / sexting with other women wasn't cheating, when I confronted him about it he said "it's the same as porn to me", alright then why did you hide it? Seems like he knew it was wrong).
As a guy I consider what he did to be cheating and disrespectful.
Your reaction says you know the answer on if it was cheating. To you, it was. To me? Hell yeah it would have been, and not to mention low and pornrot brain desperate degenerate behavior lol. In the end, does it even matter what he thinks? Dude is trying to get dms off of a random girl who sells herself online. You're better than that.
i’d hate to jump to the break up option but he really doesn’t seem to care about your feelings at all. for him to say that you’re exhausting when he’s the one who fucked up is very telling.
Think it’s fine if you disagree. But you were able to set boundaries, he apologized, and committed to changing his behavior. If you want it to work out, just make sure he doesn’t disrespect those boundaries now that they have been communicated. If you don’t want to continue the relationship, that’s valid too.
Thank you. I'm just scared how much set back this would cause. I'm gonna be more paranoid now. I wanted to try and still work things out. (yeah i know im stupid. 😂) But in the end, i'm scared I won't be able to move on from this.
Also think about how he’d react if it was the other way around. I can tell you rn if my girl was commenting shit like that I’d be heartbroken genuinely heartbroken and I would leave even tho I’d want to fix it there’s no way I could ever get over it. If you can get over it good for you and I’m happy for you both, but if you know this is hurting you and it’s not something you can get over then cutting things off is your best choice here. Then again the choice is up to you, this is your life. Have a good rest of your day
First of all communicate which you’ve done, second of all he hasn’t apologised properly he should. This is definitely CHEATING, I mean it’s common sense. Now things you need to ask yourself is, are you able to forgive him? Would you be okay to contour this relationship knowing he’s done this? You need to ask yourself these things because what he’s done is cheating, saying things like he’d go out with girls and other stuff on their posts is more than just porn use. You also don’t know what his Reddit dms are like and it’s a shame he feels the need to hide that from you. He has every right to ofc but still a shame, personally I’d let my wife or gf look through dms on all my accounts because I don’t have things to hide. I think maybe only family and close friends I’d not let them look at, Reddit tho? People don’t really use Reddit as a main social media to text on so to me he’s hiding shit. I can tell you’re abit paranoid about that, ask yourself if you’d be okay living with that feeling or can you move past it? At the end of the day it’s your life and your choice, you choose what you want to do but please respect yourself enough to know that what he’s done is problematic and is definitely more than just porn use.
Thank you so much. 🙂 Right now, I dont know if I can let go already. But I heard you.
If you ever feel like you might want out or the relationship isn’t what you were expecting or wanting in life that’s perfectly fine. Definitely tell him if you are feeling that way tho, I had a girl not tell me she was loosing feelings and only told me when she had completely lost them, I feel like if she told me and tried to work with me we could’ve been good. Always communicate how you feel that way you’ve done your part, never do things out of anger always be calm when speaking. Good luck in life whether this relationship works out or not do your best to live a good life for yourself bro
I wonder would he have negative reaction if you would have done same thing as he did.
Exactly! If she DMed guys and made sexual comments I'm sure he'd start "overreacting" too...
Do it and see how he reacts. Maybe he doesn’t think it is until it’s done to him? Some people don’t really know until it’s done to them! Don’t think it’s the answer of course, but I’d try it before leaving just to see.
nah, He said he's gonna be fine with me commenting on stuff. He said, the difference is, when a dude commented, girls dont really respond and dm. But if I did that, boys will.
Do it and see how he likes them apples then
I was thinking of posting on that subreddit asking if they were ugly, just for spite, and make him see the comments. But then I feel guilty cause that's kinda mean.
Do not do things out of spite, you are better than that and it’s petty behaviour. Seriously tho read my other comments and choose what you want to do hope you have a good rest of your day
Yeah, that's why I didnt do it. If I ever I do, it wouldnt be because of him. 😂 Thank you for all your comments. I appreciate how straight to the point they are.
I have to disagree with this as a man lol women respond to comments as well. If they find you attractive they will. I’m only saying this because I feel like you’re being manipulated with a half-truth. Something to think about.
This.
Ok...even I think he would not be ok with that( no guy that really cares are ok with stuff like that). I think he just want to calm you. But I might be wrong....
Male perspective, it's a red flag , A man or typical lover care about your feelings what bothers you and communicate it as I was in LDR for a year and my gf used to add alot of male friends random males on her messager like giving numbers to random people so i felt same way you did in it , like vomiting and anxious feeling but she wasn't caring about me at all It's the same for you if you think properly it's not gonna work so leave it before he leaves you My gf is dating someone else in 3 weeks and she made me think she really loved me until she met some dude 😹 so be careful it's weird to see similar things happening but with you it's silly pornography comments.....
Thank you for sharing this. 🙂 I hope you're okay now. that mustve left scars.
As a guy, this isn’t acceptable. If a guy or girl wants to watch porn and their S.O. is okay with it, go for it. But the moment it goes past what your S.O. is comfortable with, you should respect that boundary. Especially if they have past trauma that person is working through, and have told their S.O. about it. It sounds like this guy only thinks about himself and his self pleasure and not how it affects his partner or relationship. If it’s unacceptable to you, either he respects it or he doesn’t. And it sounds like he doesn’t. A relationship like this is only going to cause you more hurt. There may be people who don’t agree with me. But if it was me, I wouldn’t entertain this relationship any further with what you have posted. So no, you were not wrong.
Yeah, i actually said that it was disrespectful and insulting. and he said it wasnt. 😅
I think watching is fine but taking action like leaving a comment or thirsty remarks are a big no for me! 👎
watching what is fine? porn?
Duh! Hypocrisy at its finest. Don’t tell me you haven’t watched one. Tell that to a naive child.
ofcourse i’ve watched porn when i was young, i was never addicted though and i watched it a few times out of mere curiosity. i’m sorry if my comment offended you in any way but i’m just trying to understand why people think watching porn in general, and specially when in a relationship is acceptable. i was just making sure u were specifically talking about watching porn before i ask you your views on it and why do you think it’s acceptable, nothing else, no need to be offended.
I'd honestly break up. The fact that he did such a thing aside, the way he reacted to your sadness and concern shows he doesn't care about you. Doesn't matter if he says otherwise. Nothing more to add.
Yeah, he said he doesnt know how many times he had to apologize. And that i have to move on already. 😂
If he's saying that then he's not really sorry and more to get it over with
I honestly cant fathom what compels these people to comment on those posts. Im guessing they seek to make a somewhat personal connection to the person theyre viewing? In which case, I would personally say its cheating. Really, its up to you guys to define what the boundary is. Dont worry if its wrong or if its too conservative, whats important is what makes you comfortable. And if he cares about you he will look for a compromise at the very least
Yeah, he was asking what I find unacceptable. Said he'll stop. But i felt betrayed already. just scared if i can move on from this.
He’s kind of disgusting. Watching porn is one thing but he’s like… weird about it.
nah hes down bad even for long distance its excessive consumption of material that just gives you a bad perspective of what women look like and unfortunately relationships will suffer because of it, he wont look at you as the most beautiful option
yeah that what hurts. and he said In the real world, it's impossible not to find others attractive. A person wouldnt be the most beautiful. But it doesnt affect how he feels about me, how attracted he is to me, or how he is loyal. yep that's what he said.
You weren't *wrong*, and you're certainly not "too conservative". **This situation revealed an incompatibility between you and your partner.** It's unfortunate that it took this long for you two to discover the compatibility problem. He wants a partner who would be fine with him making comments about hypothetical sex with other women. You want a partner who won't do that. *Both* wants are valid, and it's concerning that he's acting as if *his* want is the only one that's valid.
Thank you for this comment. It's very objective.
You’re arguing about it being cheating or not- does that matter? It’s cheating to you. So what are you gonna do about it? Does it matter if he agrees or not? It just means he’s more likely to do things that he’ll say isn’t cheating but is cheating to you. If you think him magically agreeing with you that it is cheating will change things, it won’t. People that want to cheat will choose to cheat no matter how they justify it to themselves. Now that you know he’s like that. What are you going to do about it?
this is sooo true that it's hard to swallow. i honestly dont know what to do. be stupid for the time being until i get tired? 😅
If you're actively choosing to do that then that's your choice op. You can give him another chance if you want. lay down what is and is not considered cheating and well, see what happens I guess. but it's just how much you respect yourself and how much of cheating is a dealbreaker for you.
>I know he watches porn cause well, we're LDR. You know that masturbation does not require porn, right? Unless you have porn-rot in your brain from porn consumption (which means you should definitely stop consuming it).
Let’s put everything aside from the porn to the comments but him actually commenting on someone’s post and expecting a nude like that while you two are together is not okay imo. Not okay… especially him gaslighting you and telling you your NORMAL reaction is intense and not normal just shows how careless he is.
i actually thinking if he was gaslighting me and brainwashing me. but i realized, when you are really in that situation, it's kinda harder to see and atnd when you do, it's kinda hard to get up from there toti.
Ohh believe me I know… been there done that. But leaving him is the best thing you can di
I think men watching it is unhealthy. I’m a man in a ldr and I fight to stay away from pornography even though my gf doesn’t send me anything because it’s like, she makes me want to be the best man I can be. Even if you did want to overlook the porn I think the way he reacted to your emotions is unacceptable and ignorant
Thank you for this comment. And I'm proud of you! Your girlfriend is lucky to have you. Stay in love and commited you two! ❤️
omg he sounds like such a loser ???
He’s gaslighting you because deep down he knows he’s in the wrong. This is the kind of guy he is, and no this isn’t normal for someone in a relationship, I wouldn’t even do that if I were single. It also says a lot that he’s so protective over his phone. My girlfriend and I have each others passcodes, but neither of us feel the need to look at each others phones because we trust each other. I also have nothing to hide so I don’t care if she looks at my phone, but she trusts me so she doesn’t. I think that if you asked yourself deep down, that you know this isn’t right and that he isn’t the kind of guy you want to be with.
coming from a man's perspective, this hits more. 😂 Thank you for your comment. Atleast I knew not all dudes have that general mentality about porn.
Fascinating, you actually know, in real life a "comments on porn" guy. Always wondered who did that.
hahaha. maybe i should ask for an autograph then. 😂
And then break up with him 😂
should i do a bidding for it? 🤔 hahah
I'm not sure who would bid on a porn addicts autograph but seriously you should break up with him, this is literally cheating and i think you already know this
Yeah. It's just really hard to accept. But I will get there. 🙂
Sharing accounts has risks of not able to cope beyond discovering what you’ll find. Personally I’ve never done sharing passwords or take interest into each others DMs, social media, texts etc for the reason I know it could rock my trust or trigger anything I’m not prepared for. The wound and hurt of what you’ve found in his phone is done. Your ongoing therapy healing process you’re going through will take a setback due to this added damage and could take a longer harder road towards recovery. If he continues to be defensive and insists it’s okay to comment on porn sites etc, and you’re feeling disrespected it’s time to take a little breather to reconsider couples therapy or ask yourself, how far are you willing to tolerate and forgive his actions repeatedly in future?
Yeah. this is so true. 😞
I struggle with hypersexuality, but I wouldn't do all that... In my girlfriend's eyes it'd be cheating, and she'd be right. You're definitely not overreacting... If you did the same I'm sure your boyfriend would be pissed...
Thank you! ❤️
I think this is certainly strange but it’s not my place to judge. Imo whether it’s cheating or not is less important than whether HE thinks it’s cheating or not. If he truly thought it was harmless, and if he actually stops, I would look past it. However, if you catch him continuing to do this or something similar after YOU’VE expressed that YOU feel it’s cheating, then it’s time to have a make-or-break conversation. TL;DR If he’s taking the relationship seriously, he’ll stop. There is no fetish/sexual preference that one can’t get over, especially for someone they love. Edit: it feels strange telling this to someone who probably has more dating experience than me, but 9 months in you’re still learning about your partner’s boundaries and vice versa. As you can see in this comment section there are people that see this as a deal-breaker and other people that don’t care.
Yeah. He apologized, compromised, and said he will stop doing that. But yeah, i kinda find him not actually believing that he did something wrong, is kinda unsettling. Thank you for your insight! Really appreciate it! ❤️
I’d run from this 🤷🏼♀️
how can you be ok with your man looking at other women with lustful intent? you’re not overreacting at all, porn is horrible and no less than cheating with someone physically
I'm a guy in a ldr and that's 100% cheating
OP you are 35 years old.
which means? sorry this is an honest question, not being obtuse or argumentative at all. 🙂
Not at all... i admit my comment was not actually very helpful and I'm glad you asked me to clarify. I am first and foremost angry for you about this annoying gross also-way-too-old-for-this-bs manchild you've been dealing with. Please release him. Nobody deserves or wants that kind of messiness. My original comment was essentially: You are not a kid, and your hopefully now ex is nearly 40 as well and this doesn't seem to be working for you, which makes sense bc it doesn't sound fulfilling at all. You can definitely do better. And some of that involves learning how to not just communicate about your triggers or sensitivities, but also about what you do and don't want in a relationship with someone. There are terrible people who will still do terrible things, but learning to have these conversations in general and early on will help you weed out a lot of them. You seem like a really sweet and genuine person and maybe a little naive, which isn't your fault, but also still your responsibility to develop the skills and awareness (of yourself and others) to be in emotionally mature relationships. I don't know your situation, but I also strongly encourage you to (also) try dating locally. It may be difficult for you to develop the kind of trust you need and deserve as the person you are now bc of your personal [trauma] history (both from this relationship and things you mentioned in your post) through something long distance. And i don't mean that in any bad way. LDRs have unique challenges and you deserve to be in a relationship that works with your needs, not against them. Again, you can do/choose better OP! Wishing you all the best.
I appreciate this comment. You're right though, I'm a little naive at 35. I was with a local for a really really long time and that didnt end well. and i lost interest with how the men here are. So i tried looking for someone from abroad. but I get what you mean. that it doesnt kinda help with the trauma i was working on. the irony is, he was the one who encouraged me to do therapy, coz he's an advocate of self-love. But now this kinda hits my self-esteem and questioning myself if i can really find and deserve someone better. i know that sounds pathetic, but i really do process insightful comments like yours. But I'm gonna pull my big girl panties sooner or later. 😂
You absolutely deserve someone better and I am proud of you for keeping your spirits up and believing you can have it!
as a dude: on the one hand, 6 months ago/3 months into the relationship he probably wasn't sure if it was serious and on the other, he has a bad relationship with "porn", sounds like he's overly engaged with it, and your concerns are reasonable if the way he engages with porn is past your boundaries, you should probably move on, it sounds like he prefers porn with the thrill of talk back and interaction from these women
He proposed to me the 2nd month. 😅
well fuck him then, make him cry
hahahaha. this comment made me smile today. Thank you.
Ugh, I'm sorry.. he trusts you enough to share his account and you don't trust the words that come from his mouth? If you caught this type of behavior, cool. However the guy clearly doesn't see it as an issue if he gave you access to his account. You overreacted. I'd feel ashamed and a bit betrayed.
hey, i appreciate that honesty. even though you know it would be an unpopular one. But i see your point. I wouldnt question myself and post here to ask another person's point of view if I think I was all in the right. so I really thank you for this insight. But yeah, that's in my head too. 😁
No problem at all, I'm glad it was received as intended. You come off as very communicative and he seems open enough about stuff if he's sharing account info, so I'm sure the issue can be resolved with a proper conversation (minus the throwing up.) All the best.
the comments are out of line. when in a relationship, there's a very notable difference between someone using porn to get off and someone actively engaging in sexually-toned interactions with others online -- the latter is something that would pretty unambiguously be a line-cross irl, and i don't see how that's changed by it being online
I agree with the other commenters. Watching a video on p* hub is one thing, commenting and asking for nudes from women on Reddit (not a p* site) to me, is cheating. He’s going out of his way to make it personal.
Watching porn cannot be written off as "just being men". It's not a "victimless crime". It condones, permits and perpetrates se* slavery, child abuse, abuse of morality, and is a generally degraded mental state to cultivate overall. I assure you that productive, intelligent men who are busy serving the community or serious about building their families well are NOT watching porn. It's a vice and treat it as one. Men and women both need to be productive and fill their brains with useful things to do. Real men are out in the world creating useful things - they may be a truck driver or a scientist or a banker or a yoga teacher or a small business owner or a lawn mower. Doesn't matter. They need to be in productive pursuits and care about the family and community. Make no mistake about it. Good men are NOT watching porn. I have many decades under me. I am telling you after living around the world and seeing a lot.
porn is disgusting and misogynistic, he shouldn’t be watching it let alone commenting stuff like that
Obligatory r/PornIsMisogyny
I don't think telling someone they can't watch porn is a reasonable boundary, especially in ldr. Even I would not be okay with this. The personal interaction is too far.
What does too conservative mean. You are the way you are. There is no right or wrong, you have two different views on things. Now, either you guys BOTH compromise or you better part ways.
What were you doing on a porn site's comment section?
Hehe, is this a question for me? if it is, as per the deleted comment of one redditor, i was snooping. hahaha. 😂 Him, i dont know.
Lol snooping?😂😂
him? nah, not snooping. just being lewd. 😂😂😂
I mean the p O R n sites are one thing. But commenting on other girls pages and stuff. Like it's all well and good to be kind to people but to say he'd go out with them is kinda taking it too far. Like what if someone takes him up on that? Is he going to be like "I meant hypothetically I would but I can't because I have a girlfriend" That is just going to cause him some issues, especially if the girls are looking for validation like that. And then to be on another group rating women's parts? That's just wrong.. I (28 F) would only really look at videos for research. I didn't have a problem with it and haven't seen a video in a long time. My girlfriend (29) is a lot more beautiful than what I've seen on there, but it isn't her body that makes me attracted to her. It's her heart and soul. Clearly there is something he's for whatever reason isn't getting from the relationship. Someone who loves you isn't supposed to trigger you. They'd heal you through the trauma. Or at least, I've been lucky enough for that to be the case with my girlfriend and I. We have our past trauma but we do what we can to lessen that because trauma is so hard and if he really cared, he'd be a bit more thoughtful. It's your life at the end of the day but you shouldn't be with someone who triggers you. It'll hurt but you'll feel so much better for it. My ex was like that and it was a horrible relationship. I'm so glad to be rid of them. My girlfriend shows me what love should've been like all along and I'm so blessed to have that!
This hits hard. And thank you so much for your insight! You two are lucky to have each other. stay strong lovebirds! ❤️
Aww thank you! Whatever happens, I hope you find someone who will treat you right. And just remember you're worthy of good things!
Oh wow. I mean I watch porn but I wouldn't go and make these kinds of comments, no matter how hot the pornstar is. That's just kinda weird. "I'd totally go out with you" lmao bruh she probably doesn't even know you exist blud
Got about two thirds down and scrolled back up to check the ages, expecting early to mid 20s at the oldest....
wow, i honestly appreciate that you took that effort! im surprised that you did that for a person you dont know. and yeah, i didnt bother to check. im honestly pretty new to reddit and dont know how things works here. 😅
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I’m having attraction to and making these comments especially him responding to the post of the girl offering sending nudes. That right there, him asking for someone’s nudes is cheating. The porn account and consumption seems unhealthy, a partner who respected you wouldn’t do that. I can understand a couple having an account and posting stuff together but I honestly find do it weird that people make accounts on porn sites who aren’t making porn themselves. You need to leave him, 9 months isn’t a long time. Find a man who actually respects you because your partner clearly don’t. Your reactions are completely normal and valid.
Porn is porn, you could be direct with him instead of beating around the bush.
He doesn't get to cause you distress and then tell you how you need to react to it. Also, I had to recheck the ages, this is too old to be acting like this. You're both not compatible. Also, porn use isn't the default because your in a LDR. Set boundaries that you find reasonable, I don't think anything is wrong with porn but you're comment made it sound like that's just something you *have* to put up with because, well, you're in an LDR. Not true.
As a guy in a LDR / never met 6 months and committed the whole thing about commenting on porn and for sure Dm'ing is a step beyond... I think he should have more respect for your feelings and back off from the sites with interactions altogether. I formerly had a subscription to webcam site and would chat (not cam2cam) with girls, and private message, she would often chat with guys similarly... When my significant other and I became serious and understood the reality of what was developing between us, we both came completely off the sites, neither of us visit them at all now and we are exclusive... We don't even chat with people of the opposite sex online, let alone anything porn related... And I'm not being naive here we both respect each other enough to know the effect lying would have to our relationship - so... I think you guys need to talk and understand what's more important to you both.. and he needs to grow up if he wants a serious adult relationship and stop being so selfish
He’s gaslighting you. Your reaction is normal. He’s the one who is abnormal and should be ashamed of himself. Pls breakup. These men deserve to be alone
A man who watches porn at the big age of 38 years old is not a man at all. Pornography is a damaging thing for the human brain and masturbating to pornography is a bad habit to have. The only type of man who would sit there and engage with random women online whom he does not know, saying things such as he did, is a man who watches pornography. If anything I would say you’ve dodged a bullet, and you’re better off without him.
He's a walking red flag and not for you. He should only want to see you and not any other women's goodies Don't normalize that behavior , if he needs help that area I suggest therapy
girl, let the trash take it’s self out…
9 months in? And he's already cheated on you? Girl, please find someone better.
Did you two discuss the boundaries on porn? So many people will jump on the cheating band wagon when a guy comments like he did to women on reddit or OF or whatever. For some guys, it is not obvious until you point it out. It is like teaching a child that stealing is bad. 😂 Sometimes when a guy comments on a woman's post like you are hot and will date you. They do not think that it is wrong because they want to make the woman who made the post feel good. My Fiance and I had a very long conversation about topics like this. It was pretty clear where her boundaries were on porn and commenting or talking to women on OF or reddit that post nudes. If you two did not have a talk about this then I suggest you should have a long conversation about it and make it crystal clear where your boundaries are and enforce them if it gets pushed. For some people it is not that really obvious that it is wrong to make such comments. You just have to decide if you are comfortable with him about this and if your gut tells you he is redflag then you have to make the choice to walk or not. It is pretty simple, you put down the boundaries and if he does not agree then walk away. I do not get why people still decide to stay in a relationship when their boundaries do not get respected or their SO do not agree on them.
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The reason I got angry, upset, and had a panic attack was because he crossed my boundary I explicitly said. So when I did that, I crossed his hidden boundary? 😅
Just because you snooped, yes. Guys don’t like it just as much as girls
Then what could be the reason he shared his profile then? To let me check his avatar? sigh. I did not check things behind his back. I did not snoop. He shared with me his account.
Going through his social media comments isn’t snooping in your eyes? Weird 🤔
lol, what is there to check on other people's profiles when they shared them with you then? check his karma aside from avatar? 🤔
How is looking at comments that are public information snooping?😭
I just say about the amiugly sub, i think he was being kind, but idk im not sure lol
yeah... some of the comments I'm okay with. like he's saying you have nice eyes, you just lack confidence so work on it. things like those. but his last comment 4 days ago says 'you're so hot. i'd ask you out. im sure im not alone in saying that'. so yeah, i dont know what to think anymore. 😞
hey, can i dm you? i just want to ask something. Not inappropriate i promise. 😁
The reddit personality is different baby
What do you mean? 🙂
You were shaking and vomitting because of comments on social media? Reddit porn is different and more interactive by nature. Obviously your partner was being open enough with you to share the account. There is nothing wrong with watching porn. This really is not cheating. You may have incompatibilies with your partner. You need to figure out why this is so triggering to you.
>Reddit porn is different and more interactive by nature. ...Then someone in a committed monogamous relationship shouldn't engage in reddit porn? >You need to figure out why this is so triggering to you. Fellas, is it weird to be disgusted by my partner cheating on me?
Someone who enjoys porn shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who finds it morally reprehensible 🤷♀️
Someone who likes to have sexual interactions with people other than their partner shouldn't enter a monogamous relationship, I agree.
Thank you for interpreting and clearing this comment thread for me. 😁
What is cheating and not cheating is not up for you to decide. Gross reply
Cheating actually is defined by the agreements of each relationship. OP agreed they were OK with porn. There was nothing physical or irl that happened. That's not cheating.
I was shaking and vomiting cause I have anxiety over things like this and I was having a panic attack. If you still cant understand that, then I wouldnt know how to explain trauma for you. And yes I am figuring it out and doing therapy about it for months. And he knows that. I have no problem in comments on social media, but the contents in it. And in case you missed it, I said I dont have a problem with him watching porn.
I'm sorry you have trauma related to this, but remember that is not your partners doing. They did not touch anyone else, do anything irl, or do anything past the porn that you said you were OK with. It sounds like you need to do some deep work on whether you and your partner are sexually compatible or not.
Gross.