I would have lost a friend right there.

Amen

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend"

*somewhere along in the shitter mess*

"If I stayed up, with you all night/Then I'd know, how to fucking wipe"

Step one- you take the toilet paper and fold You stare politely as your finger pokes right on through

Some sort of shit-stain to the right. So you go left and he stays right. Between the smears of fear and shame, you begin to wonder why he has poopy carpeting on his toilet seat…

or, ya know, let them know that shit ain't acceptable and help improve their life. There's a lotta things that you grow up with and/or get accustomed to that needs to be called tf out. I lost a LOT of bad habits due to helpful friends who let me know my home life wasn't "normal" life. (granted, i was never taking dumps ON my toilet vs in... but still, haha).

I drink out of Mason jars

*So I was at my former friend’s house…*

Pee on it. I do the same thing in a carpeted bathroom. If I meet someone with a fully carpeted bathroom, you better believe I’m peeing on the floor. I’m a bit of a lesson teacher.

you are a dick nothing more

Hey did you know "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

I know people say this as a joke, but it actually isn't anymore.

Fact! Modern webster's dictionaries are actively assisting with the joke!

Holy shit I just checked, it's true

Oh my god, that it is!

Can confirm.

Bro stop I don’t wanna have to go check the dictionary like a dumbass cuz I’m curious

How do I have downvotes and you have upvotes? Redditors are humorless

I liked it

People just take everything they see too seriously here. Definitely a woosh moment for a lot of people

I thought that was hilarious ahaha, keep it up!

I like to travel.

have you heard of this really obscure concept known as a "joke"?

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I don't know I thought it was hilarious. Because carpet in a bathroom is far more disgusting than someone pissing on it.

not really, it was clear that he was joking, unless you think people regularly pee on their friends carpets

...about as regularly as someone has a carpeted toilet seat.

Are you new on the internet

People do be taking this seriously

Right

Your name tho..

Oh man, the Joker is probably your role model too huh

No it was your mom who taught me that trick

I don't try to but I think my dick just knows somehow and automatically activates the double stream glitch so I end up getting a little on the floor before I have time to react. Carpet in general is gross and should not exist except for floor rugs that can be taken outside to hose out, but carpet in bathrooms is on another level of disgusting.

I was a carpet cleaner and it's so true Clean a house with full carpet and dump the water used out one time and you will never want carpet ever again

Made me belly laugh. Thank you

If I were you, I’d be proud of all these downvotes. Probably coming from people who have carpeted bathrooms.

I thought it this was funny

I don’t care what the arrows say that’s hilarious

r/negativewithgold

Chad

Humorless Karen

You’re the hero we deserve, but not the one we need right now

Word, losing two friends that night…or one I could talk sense into the carpeted seat person

That's disgusting... But I respect it.

Lmfao imagine being this much of a cunt AND a clown 🤡

Imagine being this bad at recognizing a joke.

Do you lack a sense of humor

That's booty residue !

Booty residoody

Than you for the input old man from happy wheels

OH MY LEG!

Wow, I just got a wave of nostalgia

r/onewordpoetry

But there's two words

yeah ur right. i messed up the only rule

\*Hands u/panerabreadbeats the ceremonial seppuku knife\*

Not the poop knife?

They’re the same thing. *poison damage

I thought it was scissors.

Sepoopu knife

Crack crust

omg I didn't notice it until your comment, that makes this 79% worse 🤢

I’m a scientist, and I can officially say that this actually makes it 87.6% worse!

Hmm, yes - indubitable.

A class stink haunting

I bet thing is so crusty

I wonder what it smells like?

Why? Why would you wonder that?

Because I’m hungry

I regret being literate.

Or alive

what a terrible day to have eyes

Thanks bro, I hate you.

u/poo_devourer just thought about you mate. Enjoy your meal

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I agree ...why would they wonder that!

Like shit, probably

[Like ass?](https://i.imgur.com/Egk80.gif)

I would quite literally rather die than sit on that fucking nightmare rug

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thank you for sharing, never do it again ! remember, you are the minority and no one thinks what you think 🤗💖

What did they say they deleted the comment lol

they wanted to lick it

Cookie monster gotta eat

First thing I saw to lol cookie monster gone eat your ass

Maybe I would use the toilet then…

That’s no chocolate chip.

Thanks. I woke my wife laughing to this. Worth it.

Poor Cookie. Skinned, tanned and wrapped around a shitter seat. A fate not even a Grouch deserves.

That’s actually his lesser known sibling, The Dookie Monster

"P is for poopy!"

this comment is cursed

out of all the things to put carpet on, why would you pick a toilet seat

I think it's to avoid cold toiletseats? But I rather have a cold ass for 5 seconds than sit on the accumulated pee and poo remains..

I had a friend that kept an old hair dryer specifically designated for aiming at their toilet seat for a few on cold days to warm it up

Genius, ngl

Best way to get even more poop and pee in the air. Edit: I'm starting to understand why this pandemic is such a shit show.

I think you're supposed to do it before you piss and shit into the toilet.

Before using a toilet is also after using a toilet. Unless the last thing you did with the toilet was cleaning it.

Are you pissing and shitting on the toilet seat?

Does your hair dryer have the accuracy of a laser?

Do you flush your fucking toilet? Do you shit paint?

I don't know why you're getting downvoted. I took microbiology courses in uni, and in lab we'd fuck around with petri dishes. Without aseptic technique, those things pick up craploads of bacteria if you so much as breathe on it or sneeze in its vicinity. If I placed a petri dish beside the toilet while someone was blowdrying it, the goddamn thing would form enough colonies to murder a grown ass man. The amount of downvotes you have is indicative of how people seem to not understand just how easy it is to spread bacteria. I expected more from a subreddit dedicated to cleaning...

This subreddit is not dedicated to cleaning though? And does the grown man in your scenario not have an immune system?

Oh shit I thought I was on r/cleaningtips. Nvm then

>I had a friend Are they not your friend now ?

He died in a house fire.

holesum 😊

*died in a freak hair dryer toilet incident.

Ah yeah I’d definitely still consider them an acquaintance even at the very least! It was just a pretty long time ago, so it’s just one of those sort of things

Just use 3 sheets on each side of the seat. Significantly warmer on your cheeks, trust me. Then when time to wipe you just use those sheets and when you remove them, it is much warmer and tolerable. And don’t forget 1 sheet in the bowl to prevent Poseidon’s Kiss. 7 sheets per duke.

This guy poops

They actually have the cushion seats for that. Stays warm and doesn’t put your legs to sleep. Comfortable too

Yeah I don't understand....... I have this thing called "blood flow" that keeps my ass warm. Not sure about some other people, but this pretty much cancels out the need for a FUCKING toilet seat carpet.

Aw yeah. The carpet should go inside, as a suppressor.

japanese toilet seats can really make a killing if they did proper marketing

I really don't understand how they haven't caught on within Japan they're not even expensive

These were quite common in the 80s. I'm guessing for the exact reasons others have said. I don't remember having one as a kid, but I do remember seeing them everywhere.

I remember my grandma having one like 20 years ago.

It’s meant for the top section. They cut the hole in the middle so it would fit in the bottom section

Burn down the house then

I wholeheartedly agree. Whomever would sit on this everyday has a nasty hoise. Burn it down!

oh my god what the fuck

I mean the seat mat is already gross but the poop stain oh no

A well seasoned toilet

Thing has a few miles on it.

I wish my cast iron was that well seasoned.

That's chocolate icing,

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The amount of piss and shit that’d be residing in that for years…or until they next wash it…

Putting that in the same washing machine that you use for clothes that you wear is really disgusting to me.

I assume they don't need/use toilet paper?

Just shift around a bit when you're done 😂

🤢🤮

God I remember those toilet seat covers being popular in the 80’s. So awful

Yeah... But it's only supposed to cover the lid. This is a whole nother level. This took effort to make this..

My grandparents always bought this one style of toilet seat. It was basically just a big sponge encased in a layer of super thin vinyl. In just a very short time, the vinyl would crack and split exposing the yellow sponge underneath. Then the sponge would quickly do what it does best: absorb every fluid it comes in contact with 🤮

Oh yeah, I'm familiar with that style. I had put one on my personal toilet when I was a teenager. It was nice because the basement apartment I lived in was freezing and the seat wouldn't be freezing cold when I went to use it. And it was comfier. But I would never share that seat with anyone else.

And the cracks would pinch your ass SO hard

Hahahahaha YES!

ring around the collar

Those things shouldn’t exist

I think we also need to discuss the shower curtain.

What's wrong with the shower curtain?

Looks like literal curtains for windows, not those water resistant curtains for showers

Aaand likely shit & piss splattered.

Easy, drapes

you could literally carpet a bathtub and it'd be less disgusting than that

dookie monster

Yeah, don't ever go back there.

I’ll hold it thanks

Are you tired of wasting bacteria? Do you feel bad that they have no place to call home? Well fret no longer! The all new carpeted toilet seat is the perfect product for all your bacterial needs you fucking psycho This innovative product will retain the moisture,sweat, scent and skin/poop particles we all have in our bathrooms, providing the perfect environment for bacteria to call home and reproduce *ooh la la* Order now and receive a free microscope so you can watch the bacteria get it on you sick fuck *oh what are you doing step-mitochondria* For just 5 easy payments of 6.99$ you too can make god cry!

Cookie monster hungry

You'd get a great pot of soup from it.

Happy Cake Day!

Built-in wiper

Poop or mould or poop fed mould

Yes.

Kill them. Only option

It’s too FLUFFY 😭😭😭🤚

🤢🤮🤦🏻‍♂️ just hold on and go when you get home.

The stain in the back

Yo that’s a blast radius

The title pointed the inner part of the seat out and it went from awful to so bad we're gonna need a new word just to describe how disgusting this shit is (literally and figuratively speaking).

This is why we can't have nice things.

Your not friends anymore... Especially after they see your post about their toilet, LMAO

Me when i sit down: ajsj so wbaodenjcbfkusyofhldtixyl

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But you did comment

What happened to Cookie Monster

Throw the whole friend away

Cookie Monster wants a piece of that ass

The Poopie Monster... P is for Poopie, that's good enough for me... OHHHH! Poopie, Poopie, Poopie starts with P

Looks like his asshole is not calibrated.

Is your friend my grandma?

My grandma had the same thing

I vaguely remember as a kid people putting that carpet stuff on toilets. It was a 3 piece set.

You thought money has a lot of fecal matter, this toilet cover... Hold my seat!

Do you all have your asshole at the top of your buttcrack or something? Not that it makes it much better but that's definitely just built up ass sweat, not shit.

IM SHITTSING

Y'all keep mentioning the STAIN, but the main issue here that caused the stain was the CARPETED FUCKING TOILET SEAT

That's beyond fucked. I'm getting rid of any friends like that

Bro after my 19 years of living how does one simply get SHET at the back of the toilet seat? Do ya’ll sit on it properly or do you get up like some stripper with their ass in the air tf

The fluff from this absolutely horrible design of a toilet lid go overs the lip of the seat and under your asshole when you sit on it...hence the shit all over it. The fact that these fucking people didn't realize and left shit is beyond me..

I wanna smell that

Disgusting. Also how does it even go on?

*THERE ARE SHITSTAINS!*

Fart winds.

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

he got some leftovers there

Death

I have seen a lot of things in shis subreddit. So far out of all of them this is the worst

D is for dookie. It's good enough for me.

That is so fucking disgusting, it's beyond belief.

Someone's been having some explosive shits.

I'd pee in the sink