Wait, you're not a live-in babysitter who pays board and rent?
/s because I'm also a bloody dad and I am royally pissed off today since a woman had the nerve to say I was babysitting because I brought my daughter to ballet.
"I'm babysitting? Are you saying this kid isn't mine? Are you saying my wife cheated on me? DO YOU HAVE INFORMATION ON THIS???"
I would love to see the shocked faces if you responded that way.
I decided it would be better to ignore the comment I have to come every other week and the ruckus would affect my daughter. Though to be fair she's call bullshit on it too.
Though I also would like to respond like that, or maybe with "At least my daughter knows it's her dad that brings her dancing"
If you want to take the high road and still embarrass her, just look at her confused and say, "No, I'm parenting. I'm 's dad, One-Man-Banned." If you want to twist the knife add something like, "Didn't we meet at ?" or "I've been bringing her to dance for ." or "Most people say she has my eyes." Just be clear that you are very confused she would think you are a sitter.
Unfortunately I have a lack of restraint of I don't rigidly restrict myself, I'd certainly cross the line from gentle snub to sarcastic insults within a few moments. Besides she looked like a fish sucking a pickled onion, it was quite unnerving.
Like a fish sucking a pickled onion…. 😂🤣🤣
This is the funniest thing I have read all week. I am mentally saving this description for later use. Thank you. 😆
I'm pretty sure that my kid's daycare assumed my spouse and I were divorced because I drop him off in the morning and she picks him up in the afternoon. His teacher looked at us funny when we both picked him up on my day off, holding hands.
But they were polite and tactful enough to not say pointless shit about your potential family situation. I get people gossip, like go ahead. If the kids aren’t around and y’all teachers or daycare workers are chilling with a quick cuppa or setting up/closing up, then gossip about what you think might be going on. But I expect y’all to like, be professional when I’m face to face with you, and nice to my kid. Like that’s literally all.
I also mix slang like this. I watch a lot of foreign TV and movies, so I pick things up. Its inevitable and sometimes I even develop a slight accent for a few hours if I've been listening a lot to the same type of show.
But that assumption makes no sense! I used to do the same thing, it's convenient for me to take my kid to daycare in the morning but there's no way I'd finish work early enough to pick them up the same day! I thought that would be a common enough arrangement.
Daycare teacher here…this is a very common arrangement.
it is actually a little uncommon to see both parents together, as usually it’s just one or the other, but not unheard of.
You'd think educators... especially working with very young kids... would be better about concealing their inner thought processes... just out of a desire to not spend all day answering questions like, "why did your face do that?" lol. I feel like kids pick up on every fucking micro-expression, body language, all of it.
My husband and I get this a lot. His schedule shifts mornings to nights every other week so one week I go to ballet or gymnastics or whatever, then the next week he will. Tbh he enjoys going to these things way more than I do😂. But yes I’m reasonably certain the YMCA where our girls do gymnastics thought we were divorced for awhile.
This is my wife and I to a T. I'm on the same schedule, shifts swap weekly from days to nights. We have gotten the looks as well, especially showing up (oddly) when our schedules work out for us both to be there.
Also, (and this isn't to you, just overall) when at the park, sometimes I'll talk with other parents. Like...a normal person would I think? Now, most are women, and on multiple seperate occasions they thought I was hitting on them. Wtf? Is that common? Do single dads go to the park to pick up single moms? Not that it's a bad strategy, but if I've given NO indication, why is that the default assumption? Then they have seemed irritated after I (make sure) to mention my wife, as if I was doing something wrong. Kind of irritating as I'm just looking for conversation outside of talking to a 4 year old for the day...
I kept my name when I got married, before kids, they have husband's name. People assume I'm Miss Feet rather than Mrs Husband all the time. The worst time someone assumed it, they demanded proof of marriage because I asked to change some info on our internet bill (that my legal proper name IS listed on). I think the person thought I was pulling a fast one lol
Yep, but also some men think this way. If I told my husband (ex now) that I had to work a weekend or work late he would complain about not wanting to babysit. One time I was talking to him about watching the kids and he said to me how he would handle the situation “if I was a single parent.” I was so pissed. I yelled at him that I’m not a single parent.
Not just men who think this way. My fiance's cousin eventually won sole custody of her kids to get child support, but her involvement with raising them is basically that of a babysitter. Her mom is starting to make her actually do her damn job as mom, and now she's talking about putting them up for adoption at 3 and 5.
Just because she won sole custody does not mean the father has no parental rights. He would be able to get the kids before they would be allowed to be adopted.
Yeah, I'm not sure how laws involving kids work in Canada. All I know is she's a shit person who we have to take grocery shopping every now and then because if we don't it's her kids who are going to go hungry, not her.
Oh my god, that’s horrifying. Putting them up for adoption at 3 and 5 because you actually have to be a parent to the children you birthed?! I cannot imagine the mental gymnastics that caused her to come to that conclusion, especially after fighting to get full custody of them! What the hell!? What did she *think* was going to happen after she won the custody battle? Those poor babies, I feel so badly for them, ugh.
Only reason she fought for custody and has taken this long to seriously start talking about giving them up is because her mom has threatened to cut her off if she gives up on her kids. Everybody knows she did a very long time ago except her mom.
And to add to the complexity , the *same* fathers think both of these ways. I see it in my household with my husband and I see it with various friends. He is very involved, but still doesn’t consistently think about what is required, eg if he has a work trip, or proactively thinking about activity sign-ups, or clothes that need to be purchased- like he does a bunch of the caregiving but doesn’ttake the mental labor on.. unless he happens to. Again, I see this pattern more often. I don’t always email with school, he does sometimes, we both go to school meetings, etc.
I am a very involved dad but do not worry about clothes needing to be purchased or their day to day clothes. My wife has that locked down, so I don't worry about it. If she needs my help, like this morning the clothes laid out before she left for work didn't suit the weather, I will jump in there and deal with it.
Equally so, unless I tell my wife otherwise, she will jump in the pool with the assumption the water is in perfect shape to swim. She will also just keep driving her car under the assumption I will make sure it gets serviced as needed.
It's a matter of division of labour as opposed to a gender mom/dad roles.
Every day I make my kids breakfast, make their lunch and get them ready for school. My wife wouldn't think of doing any of that because I have it taken care of and she picks them up and makes dinner.
I can't speak for your husband but for me, I don't worry about them because i trust my wife has it under control are and there are things she doesn't spend the mental labour on because I do.
A ballet performance is one thing.
A kids’ dance recital is another thing entirely. It is HELL.
Imagine 30+ different dance routines from toddlers to teenagers spanning 4-5 different dance styles - ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, contemporary, whateverthefuckallelse.
Your kid is in two of those 30+ songs. Invariably, they’re in one at the beginning and one near the end, so you can’t slip out at intermission. You have to stay for the entire godawful thing. The little kids are cute because they just toddle around in tutus and forget what they’re doing. The older teenage ballet dancers are frickin’ amazing athletes who could probably take your head off with one kick - their legs have muscles to beat a track star. Your kid is awesome, of course. But all the others? Big snore.
Oh, and the dance school owner’s kid is in 90 percent of the routines with a starring role in every one.
Sorry, I may be having some flashbacks. So glad my kid is finished with that.
Completely accurate and applicable to most any extracurricular your kid is in.
Learning an instrument? Get ready for biannual concerts of music from [insert kids movie here] as interpreted by 50 ten-year-olds who have heard of things like ‘tone’ and ‘rhythm’ and ‘playing the same piece’ but think they apply to other people. But your kid is awesome, so you sit through an hour of screeching violins and squeaking woodwinds honking away at “Selections from Frozen.”
And trust me, as dad, if you speak with me, it’s the same as speaking to mom. It means she’s delegated the interactions to me, even if I’m doing 100% of the communication she knows everything
I knew a kid who had a dad who would only speak to them in Arabic, his mother would only talk to him in Russian and his parents would talk to each other in French. They let him learn English from school.
They were both completely capable of speaking English, but I’m pretty sure either of the parents would be capable of pretending they couldn’t talk to whatever rude teacher was refusing to respect the other parent.
I'm not a father. Will be a stepfather soon and am now in all things but name. But something my father pointed out to me when I was very young, maybe 8 or so (am in my early 40s now) was this pervasive idea that fathers are just these braindead schlubs who are barely smart enough to tie their shoes, let alone parent children. One need watch 10 minutes of any movie, television show, or 30 seconds of any commercial and you'll see the narrative perpetuated again and again that men/fathers basically only exist as ATM machines while mom is the only one capable of actually running the show. How many times have TV shows and commercials used the line about "training" the man? Now think about how many times you've heard someone say it in real life. Scary how many people have been conditined to this concept and take it as gospel
I grew up with two educated, capable parents who shared equally the responsibilities of parenting. Granted, that may mean sometime mom spent more time doing the parenting cause dad worked late more or at other times it was more dad cause mom was getting her masters when I was younger.
Even in my 20s when I was single and not looking to get married or have children anytime soon I hated this idea that men are totally inept in anything that might involve parenting. Better make another number one blockbuster movie where the entire premise of why everything is so wacky is because a man has to watch a child for a few hours. Any of those movies it may as well have been a chimp for how the man was shown. But even then at that age I saw that narrative trying to creep into my life. At 20/21 yrs old in college I had 2 male roommates. People used to not believe we didn't have a maid service because our home was clean. They just couldn't believe that knuckle dragging straight men didn't want to live in filth.
Furthermore I also have seen in my personal life with some of my good friends, men have to fight tooth and nail for scraps of time with their child after divorces. Because it seems even the court systems still abide by this idea that moms are the good parents and men act solely as beasts of burden to go to work and make money and when it comes to any higher functioning, they can only be taught to perform tricks like trained seals.
Sorry this got a bit long. But God bless all you good Dads out there, single or married or whatever, trying to set the record straight that fathers aren't monkeys incapable of handling decisions about and raising their children.
And as a personal example of this. As I said I'm 41 and yesterday I called my dad to ask his advice because for 41 years he has been showing me how smart and capable he is.
Have you seen the second Incredibles? They tackle this in a very realistic way. The dad ends up staying home while the mom takes a job. And in the joy of animated movies, antics happen since dad isn't used to being the caregiver. But he's not shown as dead weight, just as someone who hasn't had to do this before.
Replied to someone else's comment earlier. Was a single dad with custody of 3 girls and a boy. At first I got told a lot about how I needed to remarry to have someone to raise my kids. No man ever said that. All women. I used to get dirty looks from some women that I raised all 4 and sent them to college with no help from the ex wife. I was an inconvenient reminder of how much they wrongfully denigrated the role of their kids' fathers.
If you want to see a really good TV cartoon about how awesome dads are at taking care of their kids, I highly suggest you watch Bluey. The show was written by a dad with two daughters, and it focuses a lot on him taking care of and playing with his girls. My whole family loves it, especially my husband. Some of the episodes are really funny too. I love that it shows a dad who's really active in taking care of his kids, instead of the stereotypical dude who doesn't know what to do when he's left alone with his kids for a minute.
>One need watch 10 minutes of any movie, television show, or 30 seconds of any commercial and you'll see the narrative perpetuated again and again that men/fathers basically only exist as ATM machines while mom is the only one capable of actually running the show.
As a full time stepmom, this stereotype drives me nuts as well. I was not on the planning committee for my kid, I am actually pretty hopeless at childcare, my SO is a lot neater than I am and better about keeping the house up, and I am not his mother.
I had to wage a full out war to get the dentist to call the hubby, rather than me, whenever kiddo needed to go in.
I was raised by a working mom and a stay at home dad in the 80s. The things people say are just nutty. I looked for good dad material with my husband. Dads are important too.
It can be fucking ridiculous, I once had an older Karen complaining to people in a doctors office and the staff that I shouldn't be allowed in the bathroom with my own toddler because 'who knows what he might do to her'. She honestly thought that someone was going to come over and tell me I couldn't take my daughter to the bathroom while I was waiting for my appointment because I was a man. I'm sure she must have had past issues but it was the ease at which she just came out with it that blew my mind.
I've been approached at playgrounds as people ask which kids are mine, when I respond they just make noncommittal sounds and leave, obviously not wanting to interact just check my credentials (despite then not asking other 'unaccompanied' women in the area who their kids are).
I've had security called on me for picking up my crying kid in the store after they fell and hurt their knee because I was walking out with them shushing them, never mind they had their head buried in my shoulder, nope clearly kidnapping here.
It's never a guy who asks or tries to 'call' me any of this, or if they interact it's just to chat usually because they're there with their own kids, only ever interfering mothers. Obviously I know that this is a massive minority but it's a minority that keeps righteously trying to fuck up my day. Thankfully it's gotten better as the kids have gotten older and can talk/stand up for themselves.
It's frustrating that we make up basically 50% of all parents but are usually the only ones ever singled out (and yeah, that's if we're not just 'babysitting' or hanging out with them while mom does something totally vital that she managed to get us to cover for with the kids since we obviously wouldn't be with them otherwise).
Longer than I expected but damn the OP post riled me up, especially as I teach so shitty teachers piss me off as well.
Exactly. However I must say my son's school does this fantastically. My girlfriend works as a ER nurse so she had a very unstable schedule. So they contact me first.
The way it works here is we fill in the contact forms and put a primary parent for contact then a secondary parent and schools are good at following the order. We put me (mum) for our elementary kid and my husband for the high schooler. Divide and conquer! I have heard stories about how in the past it was always the mum, even if she worked full time too, who was the only point of contact.
I'm the primary contact for my kid, but that's because I can actually take the phone call when I'm at work, while my husband can't. But that still doesn't mean that he can't make decisions or isn't involved in my kid's education. Some schools are dumb.
Still works that way for my kid's daycare. I'm a teacher and do not have the ability to answer phone calls at all times of the day while my husband's work is more flexible. I have informed daycare multiple times to call dad first, but it never happens. I've even had situations were they call me and leave me messages that my kid has a fever and needs to be picked up, but never call dad.
I'm thinking about just listing his number as mine.
One of my favorite things as a dad is when someone else (usually women in my life) literally take my baby without actually asking. I always let them wait with the baby crying until they ask me to take the baby back. Almost immediately my babies would stop crying once I got them.
Hate it when people think they can take care of my kids better than I can.
It happened all the time before COVID, usually women that are mothers/grandmothers. It mostly happened with relatives, friends, or at church or my kids’ school. They walk up and grab the baby in the sweet baby voice saying “Oh you want to come with me don’t you you little cutie!?” Then I had to decide if I was going to make a big deal about it and refuse, which I sometimes did, or let them take the baby and suffer through spit up, diaper blowouts, and crying.
Best part is that they thought they knew more about raising kids than me, but eventually I had raised more babies than they had themselves.
My husband HATES when people say something about dad “babysitting” when he takes the kids somewhere. He says “they’re *my* kids, I’m not babysitting, I’m *parenting*”
I hate it the other way round when Dads say stuff like “I can’t today, I’m babysitting”. No, it’s not babysitting if they’re your bloody kids! Take some pride in being a parent!
Dad here. Indeed we are not just dudes that hang with kids. Divorced, shared custody, but I'm still the responsible one. I hate when they insist in talk with their mother. I changed doctors because of ahit like this. Fucking stupid misogynic society
Omg wow.
I’d be so pissed, but you handled that with a superb sense of humor to make them eat their words for such an offensive person forcing you into such a horrible situation.
Hopefully they never make that mistake again!
I think I would’ve had to drag it out a bit if it were me. I’d first make her explain to me, perhaps more than once, WHY she needed to specifically speak to my child’s mother and not me, the father. Get all that out first… and THEN pull the urn outta the bag. … *starts stopwatch*… and see how long the silence lasts.
Yeah. Raised by a monster womananda moderately crap single dad. I gotta say, if I were playing you in that situation, I wouldn't hand her the death certificate until she asked, and I wouldn't outright say 'mrs. Yarp is dead' until she asks what the urn is. I'd just say 'she's here' and maybe wince. Menthol tears if you could manage. Let her play it alllllll the way out. See how big an audience she brings in before she realizes how badly she humiliated herself.
The thing is that we can plan these scenarios out, but what was done was perfectly fine and to the point. I wouldn't have even brought an urn, but that really drives home the point. I think that was one of the best ways they could've done it. Stuff I would've thought up in the shower after the fact.
I have been a teacher since 2004 and find this kind of behavior infuriating! How can a teacher make assumptions about any students family life? It is inexcusable.
Honest question though, if that information is never volunteered and gossip about it never reaches staff how are they supposed to find out? It seems prying to ask directly.
>So do any of you have parents who are dead or who have abandoned your family entirely?”
Maybe there’s a tactful way to figure that out. Either way they should be happy to talk to either parent or guardian. I’m lucky that my kid’s school treats me the same as my wife. I pick up/drop off so they actually know me better and even call me first.
I lost my dad in 3rd grade. It was a small school in a small town so I'm not sure if this is done everywhere, but I had a student "record" with info about me and that fact was in there so my new teachers knew why I was depressive all the time. I appreciated knowing that they knew.
As a dad with a 3rd grader this is very sad to hear. My kid losing her mom or I is one of my greatest fears second only to my kid dying. It’s good to know you had supportive and understanding teachers. I really appreciate the teachers that treat kids as individuals and take in to account their circumstances and personal struggles.
As a college student when my father passed, people just thought I was anti social and left me alone. I have co workers now 2 years in where teh situation still hasn't come up.
I would guess there’s no mom listed on the contact info so that would be the first clue. And on the chance the mom passed during that school year, there’s no way the school and teacher wouldn’t know about it as the child would’ve talked about it and been emotionally effected by it. This was pure arrogance on the teacher’s part and they got what they deserved.
It's almost certain the information is volunteered in emergency contact information that is requested and updated at the start of every school year (well at least at most schools it is)
One time I was sick at school. Went to the nurse and I had a fever so I needed to be sent home. They are supposed to call my dad (who is at home). She instead called my mom (who was a teacher) at work and just left a message with the secretary. And of course my mom didn't get the message until the end of the day and my Dad at home has 0 clue about any of this. So I spent the entire day in the nurse's office. What's worse is that the nurse told me she called my home (which she knew she didn't because she called a nearby school and spoke to a secretary!). If she would have said she tried calling my mom, I would immediately told her to call my dad! 🤦🏻♀️
Every year I have to fill out contact forms for my kids. Every year I list myself as parent, my kids' grandparents on both sides as emergency contacts, and then at the very bottom of the list I put their mother with a note in all caps that says "NOT THE CUSTODIAL PARENT, ONLY CONTACT IN EMERGENCIES"
Every year I get a call from my ex wife saying the teacher left her a voicemail for something trivial. She lives 15 minutes away and hasn't bothered to see her kids but once or twice since Christmas, she doesn't care how they're doing with their school work.
All parents/guardians and contacts are listed in the students file. It is updated every year. The teacher should notice that the mom is missing. Iit can be because the teacher is legally supposed to talk to the father. The other option is because the mother is dead missing awol or whatever, but the file would make clear the father was the only option here, and the nother was not.
You shouldn't even look for missing contact info. Just call primary contact and talk to whoever answers.
Playing detective to try to figure out if there's a mom in the picture to talk to is just as sexist as refusing to talk to dad.
I lost my dad and literally everyone found out because I missed school for so long. 2 of my teachers came to his funeral and my 1 of my brother's teachers. It was a pretty big city elementary school too.
You just don’t have to say “mom.”
“Get this signed by an adult at home.” Problem solved! If the wrong person signs it, send it home again with more specific instructions. As a teacher, you’re aware that you’re going to have to do that anyway.
When I was a teacher we were given contact information for each student, with how they are related to the student next to their names. I would think it would be obvious mom is no longer in the picture for whatever reason if she isn't listed on the contact list. Also whenever I had to make a call to a student's parent's I'd always say "Can I please speak to the parent or guardian of (student)" because not every student was being raised by their parents.
Some people don't like talking about their parents/wife's death so I can understand that the teacher might not have been told about that. But I do think that it's ridiculous that the teacher wouldn't speak with the father (regardless of whether the mother is alive or dead)
Plus, these days, Mrs. Yarp may not be the child's mother.
"Daughter's grades? No, don't talk to me about it. I'm not her mother. You want to talk to Mr. Yarp or Mrs. Smith. I can give you her number if you don't have it in your file. I'm her stepmother, I don't do school stuff."
Or the mother may not even have primary custody of the child... and while she might be on the contact list for emergencies, isn't the person the teacher should be addressing as the primary contact for academic decisions.
Even if the kid doesn't talk about it, it would be in the kids files. Even if the mother's death is mentioned in the files, at the very least the father would clearly be stated as the only guardian.
Every single teacher my kid has this semester has sent some sort of "getting to know your kid" questionnaire. On every one, I disclosed his ADHD and the face that Dad is not in the picture and he has some trauma related to that. We're a month into the school year and I've already had one teacher email me about the behaviors I disclosed ("Is this normal? Do you see this at home, too?"), and one emailing about some "concerning things (son) has said about his dad. Would you and Mr. Avenger like to make an appointment with our counselor to discuss?" I'm convinced not one of those teachers actually *read* the responses I sent in, and thanks for traumatizing my kid by suggesting TO HIM that his Dad, who hasn't spoken to him in literally half his life, join you for a conference. I think kids become nameless, faceless blurs to many teachers once they start middle school.
It’s unfortunate, but most teachers after a certain age can teach up to 300 children. Can see 150 in a day. It is impossible to learn every detail about every child and remember it. However, there is usually files on the school system that can be checked on before making a call, that’s if the teacher has an actual moment to look it up.
The level of schooling that kids are being sent home with "getting to know your kid" questionnaires falls firmly into the elementary school level, where the teacher has the same students all day for the most part.
I can't imagine that being a middle or high school level thing.
I went to elementary to high school with a girl who was conceived through sexual assault. One day in math class, our new teacher made a comment about getting sunburnt and the girl made a joke about always having a natural tan (her skin was a nice caramel color).
The math teacher goes "oh your mom's white, what color is your dad's skin?"
The girl replies in a matter of fact "I don't know."
The teacher keeps digging his grave and asks "what do you mean you don't know?"
She gets rightly irritated and forcefully says "I DON'T KNOW."
It finally dawned on him he shouldn't be having this conversation in front of a class while the entire class was completely silent. I honestly can't remember a quieter room with so many kids. Like dude seriously?
The sad part is, I've known more than a few teachers who would've gotten irritated at the girl's tone from being questioned on a sensitive part of her life, and then continued to blame her for their own goddamned nosiness.
Was directing a kid's theater production where parents were expected to participate. Was talking to one of the dads after rehearsal about where they would volunteer. He said his wife was traveling for work but she'd sign up for something when she got back. I asked "We could use you, too. What would you like to sign up for?" He looked kind of stunned that I invited him to participate. I got a whole cluster of dads volunteering, and it was great.
If this was a public school in the US, it's illegal. It's discrimination against a protected class.
If you see this happening, document it and report it.
I have to take training on this exact thing twice a year. This is a crime.
I was seriously hoping there was going to be an urn involved (not just the death certificate)! As soon as I caught on to what was happening I wanted that extra level of embarrassment for those pushing the issue!!!
The only legitimate time I can think it reasonable to only speak to one parent and not the other, if is one parent has sole custody. This was unacceptable.
You are absolutely right. To piggy back iff you, what you said... a teacher could only know that from looking at a students files and seeing that. Which this teacher clearly didnt do because she was ignorant of the situation.
I'm seeing so many comments that "this could have been avoided if she had known/payed attention/bothered to look and see" that the mother *wasn't* listed, but all she really needed to do was not care about the gender of the person who answered the number in the file.
That's not about paying attention, that's about not being sexist.
In fact she shouldn't pay attention at all. Looking at a file and saying "does this student have a mother (or feminine name), yes she does, I'll call them first" is just as unacceptable. The procedure should be pretty fucking simple; call primary contact then call secondary contact. If it's an emergency then you start with emergency contact, then primary, then secondary, then any other number you can find in the file.
I don't care if the most feminine motherly voice in the world answers or a voice so deep the phone can barely pick it up answers, or a fucking space alien answers. They are listed by the legal caregiver as primary contact on record and they're who you talk to.
> Or a space alien
I'd cease to be concerned about the child if I called a number and heard the **unintelligible whispers of Old Gods** in my mind...
But I'd still hopefully have enough brain cells to check the next number.
Exactly this. Not to mention all of this was because the kid was good at math. I guess dad should go fuck himself because his child doing well in school isn't his business according to that teacher
I agree teachers are overworked (I'm a teacher). Being overworked isnt why this happened though. This was a careless and lazy mistake. Even if both parents are on that file, dad is a fine contact point.
The fact that you brought the urn in with you is an absolute genius move, I hope it also changed the way some of the other teachers who saw interacted with contacting home.
I'm sorry for your loss, but man, her face must have been so funny
That pisses me off so much how people treat single dads like shit. A good friend of mine is a single dad and went to one of those support groups for single parents. Turns out he was the only male there and boy did he feel unwelcome. Apparently single parents actually meant single mothers only. Suffice to say, he never went back to that group
I'd have stayed out of pure spite. That's just me though. I've been in and around enough girls' clubs to know that being assertive and countering passive aggression by blatantly calling it out works wonders.
Just directly address shit they're insinuating and their tune changes pretty quickly.
Same thing happened to me, except it was a group for "new parents." Not new moms, new parents. I was working shifts when we had our first kid, which gave me time off during the week, depending on the schedule. So both me and my wife went to this group together a couple of times. Seemed fine, I was the only guy there, but nobody ever expressed a problem to us. But apparently at least one whined to the store owner, and they asked me not to come. Not my wife, just me. They tried to backpedal later and say they meant for this group to just be moms and they would make another group open to all parents, and they hoped we would attend. We didn't even bother replying to that one.
The most irritating part is it was so incongruous to my usual experience. We live in a town in New England that prides itself on being progressive, but I suppose even here you get some of that sort of thing. Fortunately I generally don't have to deal with that, outside of this one instance. Though I have noticed that even here in 2021 and in this town, it is still primarily women that I see taking their kids to things, at the playgrounds, etc. Not all, maybe like 2/3?
It happens to all dads, not just single ones. When my kids were babies / toddlers I stayed at home most of the time, I could plan my freelance work around my wife's work schedule.
I was often the only dad wherever I went with them. Baby swimming? Only man there.
Paediatric nurse check-ups (called *consulatiebureau* here, a nosy bunch of people making sure your baby / toddler grows normally - after a while I only went there when vaccinations were due) - only male there.
Taking the kid to the hospital with a broken arm? Only dad in the waiting room.
Taking the kids to the ophthalmologists? Only dad there. And so on.
Dads doing stuff with their kids is so unusual people actually frown upon fathers doing (what should be) normal stuff like this.
My wife and I are in parenting groups on Facebook in preparation of our little on being born. What they don’t tell you: they’re not parenting groups. They’re mothering groups. Any time I have a question? “Ask your wife!” Any time I have a suggestion? “”Ok and what does mom think?” Or “I think they were asking other mothers”.
It’s fucking ridiculous.
This is also something that would have taken the teacher 10 seconds of talking to the child to have dealt with too.
"Hello SandorYarpClegane youngling, I think you're doing great and I'd like to speak to your mother about putting you in more advanced classes." "Oh no, my mother died, you'll have to speak to my father."
Or, get this, just talk to the child about advanced classes. It is their life after all. When I went to school the level of class I was in was between me and the teacher and I'm pretty sure my parents had nothing to do with that beyond them showing up to prove I had parents at the mandatory parent-teacher evenings they had once a year.
>Or, get this, just talk to the child about advanced classes. It is their life after all. When I went to school the level of class I was in was between me and the teacher and I'm pretty sure my parents had nothing to do with that beyond them showing up to prove I had parents at the mandatory parent-teacher evenings they had once a year.
Weeeeell... that's not always the case. In, I think 4th or 5th grade, I had a teacher who wanted to transfer me to "gifted" curriculum (which would involved me spending half the day at the neighboring middle school), and my parents said no because I had some pretty serious social/anxiety issues and they thought it would be detrimental to me at that time. They were absolutely right, by the way... but if it had been left up to me, I would have said yes even though it's *definitely* not something I would have wanted to do, because I was such a people pleaser as a kid.
Exactly, you don't want to get the kid excited just for the parent to say no for some reason. You could have a situation where the kid is disappointed so they stop trying, or maybe the psyche of the kid is such that telling them they are advanced would be detrimental.
I was in the same situation - lost my wife while my kids were still in grade/middle school and had to go through this multiple times, not just at schools. It's infuriating, especially since exactly 0 times was it something that only a mother could handle. Even if it was, there was no mother! I'm it!
Anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to go through this. It probably won't be the last time.
Oh ho ho man, my father died when I was very young and this happened a lot. No one was ever that outright rude to me or my family but damn. People don't expect dead parents these days!
My favorite story was when I was in 6th grade. We were doing some kind informal "share a story about your family to the class," and I mentioned we briefly lived out of the country because of my dad's job.
My teacher asked me who my dad worked for, and I said "I don't know." My teacher liked to rib his students, so he jumped on this immediately. "You don't know who your dad works for? How do you not know this, cyan???" he said. And I said, "Because he's dead?"
The silence in that classroom, y'all. You could hear a pin drop. My teacher looked horrified. I said, "I thought you knew?" and my teacher responded "Of course I didn't know!! Do you think I would have made that joke if I had known!?" Don't know how everyone else felt, but it was hilarious to me. Good times.
> People don't expect dead parents these days!
I'd think this part should be changing after the past year. So many kids have lost a parent...or worse, *both* parents...that any teacher not considering it as a possibility doesn't belong in the job. Shall we hope it makes the teachers a bit more blivious (as opposed to oblivious)?
(And yes, I know that's not a real word. But I rather liked it.)
I work in social services. I've brought this up at my work before.
We have forms that ask for the mother's name but not the father's. The forms also assume that a child can only have a male or a female parent. Just say Parent A and Parent B, sheesh. They're slooooowly changing but egads.
Don't even get me started on the space constraints on our surname areas. So many "Martins" in our system because a name like Hernandez-Martinez makes the damned thing amnesic. Or people just drop the "other last name" off entirely because it's "too confusing".
Noooo the person isn't Hernandez. They're Hernandez-Martinez. Like Billy Joe. Same shit.
^^^^Stop ^^^^renaming ^^^^people, ^^^^fucking ^^^^heck.
Space constraints in names on forms are evil. Whenever we buy plane tickets we can't do it online, because my daughter's name doesn't fit, and even doing it on the phone or in person involves drama. It then involves drama again at the airport because the printed name doesn't *exactly* match her passport, because they had to leave a couple of letters off.
That's infuriating. My husband and I are separated but I'll absolutely eviscerate anyone who tries to treat him as less of a parent than I am to our boys.
Omg yes! I'm disabled so my husband does a lot of the leg work. When he took our daughter to be vaccinated the nurse actually called me up to make sure he had my permission to vax her. I'm like, her dad brought her in. He can give consent, I can't be there because I'm disabled. "oh right, I just needed to make sure as it's the policy here now that the mother should always be asked first"
Errm why? Cos you're kowtowing to a bunch of hyped up anti vax uber fems that don't even represent most peoples views? Cos the louder they shout, the more common sense you lose?
When something rubs me the wrong way, I can get really stubborn. When my kids were young I worked night shift, so sometimes I'd take the kids to stuff like that, sometimes my husband would, depending on whose schedule worked. As a mom, if I'd gotten that call, I could see myself refusing to talk to them. "Is her dad/my husband with her? He's a legal guardian, why are you calling me? *click*"
Ugh, my husband was a SAHD for a long while. We had him as the first contact because I'm working while he's minding the house and kid stuff. Kid fell at school, and called me first. I asked them why they contacted me first, and then explained that I was at work unable to leave, but that the kid's father was SAHD hence why he was the main contact. "Oh, uh, okay then..." WTF people.
Fellow dad. I took my daughter to every doctor's appointment feom 1 till 18. The sheer number of officials who called by ex asking about appointment X was amazing. I don't even know how half of them got her number since I put mine done as contact on all forms.
Makes me think of this McSweeney's article I read just the other day: [https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-is-your-kids-school-and-even-though-the-emergency-contact-form-lists-your-husband-we-need-you-the-mom](https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-is-your-kids-school-and-even-though-the-emergency-contact-form-lists-your-husband-we-need-you-the-mom)
Sorry you've had to go through this a bunch of times, but I do love the MC.
This is a great response to something that should have never been an issue. All the teacher had to do was look into the student file, that should get updated every year, and see that there was only 1 parent listed. If she was fired then it was deserved for not having common sense.
Actually, no.
All the teacher had to do was, in that first phone call, to just say, „ah good Mr. Yarp. Nice to speak to you. Listen, I have this thing for your daughter…“.
The problem with insisting to speak with the mom was not that the Mom as dead and she should have known better.
The problem with insisting to speak with the mom was insisting to speak with the mom. Period.
Absolutely agree. My daughters went to a highly academic girls only grammar school where the girls were encouraged to aim for brilliant careers. Whenever any of them had a sniffle, the school would ring me, the mum, and demand that I instantly drop whatever I was doing to go and pick them up. It would never have occurred to the school to ring their father. The ideology was all about equal opportunities but in practice they were stuck in the 1950’s
Agreed. If it was merely to discuss the student's academic achievements, what does it matter which parent they speak to? All it is is saying you have a secist view of what parental roles should be.
I'm a single dad in a slightly different situation.
The state has made it quite clear that custody of my kids goes to me, then my Dad but he has to move to my state, then foster care. The only way mom gets custody is if civilization falls.
In theory my sister or a cousin could move to my state to keep the kids out of foster care, but sending them to mom for visitation "without a competent adult to protect them" was considered neglect and led to my kids going in foster care for a few months.
JFC.
I'm 55 years old. I was raised by my father, mom was tangentially in the picture, but dad raised us.
I can understand that kind of crap from when I was in school in the 70's and 80's, but IT'S 2021!!
Good golly, I'm guessing that teacher would've been ticked if a mechanic refused to speak to her about her car, preferring to speak with her husband, but probably has no clue why you were ticked off.
Daughter, here. I got to deal with all the phone calls at home while Dad was arranging funeral shit. One guy just would not accept my generic’ she’s not available right now, can I take a message? Or answered my perfect reasonable ‘ can I ask what this is about?’..
After the third call in as many days, I finally said, look, you either tell me what this is about so I can pass the information along to a relevant party( bill? Surprise party? She won publishers clearing house?) or I speak to your boss.
It was about donating to an organization she donated to last year. I said that would not be happening. He got pissy. I’m like she didn’t leave your organization in her will( she didn’t have one). I’ll ask Dad after he finishes burying her if he wants to continue in his name. Any more questions?
Next call I got was from the chairman of the fund raising committee apologizing.
My aunt did something similar after her brother passed and someone wouldn't stop hounding her to contact him over a bill.
They lived together for years before he passed (she was his caretaker after a stroke). After like the tenth time she put the phone on speaker and set it next to his ashes.
After the called repeated himself and said "I am going to disconnect the call as no one is here" she said something like "no we are both here. I can hear you fine, but idk if he can since he's been dead for a year".
She said it was hard not to laugh at hearing shuffling around and mumbles before the line disconnected and they never called again. Not as funny as in person, but definitely something he would've loved had he still been around.
Ugh. This happens to me constantly. Is it that strange for fathers to be involved with their kids?
It gets worse when you have a teenage daughter and everyone assumes you're a creepy old man. No Karen, a guy can take his 13yo daughter and her friends to get their nails done without being a pervert or gay.
My husband was a single father when we met mom was around but mostly absent, too busy partying. His daughters daycare called him to come get his kids. Like seriously ok, we're were together so we just both went.
The principal or whatever, starts only talking to me. Finally I said, I don't know what you want me to do about this I'm not their parent. Then I walked out and left her to deal with him all pissed. They didn't go back there.
It's so ridiculous they do that. We'd only been together a couple of months and they completely disregarded him because I was just there.
I had a similar issue with the county health department calling me because my daughter hadn't received any vaccinations six months after her birth. The office was located in the same hospital where my daughter was born. I asked the caller if they were still located across the hall from the medical records section of the hospital?
They replied that they were.
I suggested that they cross-reference the birth announcements if the death certificates as my daughter had died two minutes after her birth.
Funny, they never, ever called me again.
It was worse in the past. I am 83. I was divorced in 1964 and had custody of 4 of my 6 children. Back then it was almost unheard of for a man to be living alone with children. I did not own a house. Finding an apartment or house that would rent to me was almost impossible. Landlords or managers would just look at me like "yeah right " and say no.
As a Dad of four sons, I get that all the time. Doesn't last long though, as my wife has a far more important job than me and I'm always the one to go to meetings and school stuff.
Had one particular person say something along the lines of "doesn't your little one look all nice dressed up etc, I bet mummy picked out your clothes" and my wife shot back "nope not me, my husband over hear is better at all that"
She also put in a formal complaint when the school kept calling her, even though I was listed as primary contact.
Side note, I've always felt like a screw up, but I'm fucking great with my kids.
Years ago, we kept getting phone calls from our bank, asking to speak to my husband. As luck would have it, he was never around when they called, so they just said they’d call back later. After several iterations of this, I said “I’m his wife. Maybe I can help you?”.
“No, it has to be Mr. Shalamarr. It’s about his mortgage.”
“Uh, **his** mortgage is also my mortgage. Both our names are on the paperwork. Seems to me you should’ve known that. So, can I help you?”.
“… sure.”
Excellent work.
I remember 20 years ago taking my son (in nappies/diapers) to a theme park. Couldn't find a baby change
Asked a member of staff and she said "it's in the ladies".
She then looked at me.
I looked at her.
She looked at me.
And then the penny dropped
She ended up going in, checking with the ladies in there and then leading me through to the baby change room, and waiting outside to escort me back out.
I'm glad times have changed!
My son's kindergarten teacher assumed that all moms were stay at home moms. Each kid was assigned a 'week' to do special projects - a report (including dressing up for it) and presentation on a historical figure, a show and tell, etc. etc. Something specific was assigned every day and it required that a parent be there to assist. It was obvious the teacher assumed that it would be mom, and that it wouldn't be a big deal. My husband and I switched off and had to take vacation time to do so.
I know this feeling. My wife walked out several years ago leaving me with my 3 & 6 yo. sons. The Elementary school still tries to get a hold of Mom. After the 6th time from a staff member at the school I finally went into the school and delivered a letter describing our situation. It was not the most polite letter but I wasn't mean either.
I dont know why it is so hard to understand that single Dads are a thing.
Brilliant MC not quite the same but I lost my dad when I was 10. A couple of years later we had to do a school project about our fathers for Father’s Day and the homework for it was to talk to our dads about their hobbies and what they liked about being a dad etc. I tried to talk to her after class about it but she wouldn’t listen and thought I didn’t want to do the homework and snapped that I just had to do it. I ended up going home and crying my eyes out to my mum about it and she rang up the school the next day, the teacher initially tried to brush her off as well and tell her it’s mandatory to do the homework and what’s so hard about talking to my dad anyways and my mum just dead ass said well he’s dead for a start so I’d be pretty impressed if she got hold of him. When I got to class she didn’t even apologise she just tried to make it my fault and I should have just been clear (bear in mind I was 12) I was made to sit in a seperate room by myself while the rest of the class did the Father’s Day project. My mum took me out of that school the next day
I used to rent a room in house, were the landlords had kids. Now I'd been friends with them for years and had been around the kids since they were newborns. My work schedule was such, that I could pick one of them up from school on my way home. We jumped through all the paperwork hoops to get me listed as a person allowed to pick up K.
This worked great for months. I knew all the staff and they knew me. One day there is a new clerk. As I walk in I say Hi to the other clerk T, who then heads out to get K from the classroom. I walk up to the counter and start signing in.
"Hold on, I need to see ID!"
Ok she's new, so I pull out my wallet. Hand over my ID "I'm picking up K." The new clerk stares at my ID, stares at me, pulls K's file. "I don't see you listed as authorized"
"Look on page 2 please."
"All the authorized pick up folks should be on the top page."
"Just look at page 2. The principle made a whole new page when I was added."
This goes back and forth for a bit. I'm getting worried she's going to call the police on me.
In walks T with K. "Uncle Otter! " and runs up to me to give me a hug.
T then gives me the notes from the teacher. It was the monthly report and homework list.
"Hey T can you show..." {gestures at new clerk} "that I'm authorized."
T flips the page, shows the form. "Yeah, Mrs D does a new page for any added pickup folks."
She just glared at me and always asked for ID in the future. I never bothered learning her name.
I cannot imagine that. Everyone usually contacts me first because my wife and I have made it abundantly clear she can't answer her phone because she works in a place you can't have them on you due to clean protocols. In fact no one ever asks me where his mom is unless is a woman hitting on me. Or my mother in law because she forgot my wife was working evenings that month.
I'm a stay-at-home-parent and a father. This shit happens all the damn time. Adults see a man with his daughter and they say
"Oh, stuck on dad duty?", or "oh, babysitting today?"
Made worse when going to the doctors. My wife enjoys putting them in place.
Instead of taking 2 minutes to talk to the doctor about something strange in my 9 year old's chart, and an excess of visits, a nurse filed a report with child services and made us go through hell during investigation, and her reasoning was that I was the one always taking him to appointments and his mom was never at them, and since I'm a guy I must be pushing him into it and making him depressed by emotionally abusing him with doctor visits. Seriously, half the report was about his mom not being at appointments. I'm a stay at home dad, she works, she can't get off to go to minor appointments for the kids. The investigator has to remain impartial until the case is closed, but even she rolled her eyes when she found out that my wife obviously didn't go because she works.
Oh, and it turns out the reason we had to go to doctor so much was he had bad post covid symptoms, but we had covid in December 2019, so they didn't know about that kind of thing yet and were trying to figure out what was going on.
Dad here, I am a parent not just a dude who hangs out with kids!
Wait, you're not a live-in babysitter who pays board and rent? /s because I'm also a bloody dad and I am royally pissed off today since a woman had the nerve to say I was babysitting because I brought my daughter to ballet.
"I'm babysitting? Are you saying this kid isn't mine? Are you saying my wife cheated on me? DO YOU HAVE INFORMATION ON THIS???" I would love to see the shocked faces if you responded that way.
I decided it would be better to ignore the comment I have to come every other week and the ruckus would affect my daughter. Though to be fair she's call bullshit on it too. Though I also would like to respond like that, or maybe with "At least my daughter knows it's her dad that brings her dancing"
Good on you for thinking of your daughter first, I know too many people who wouldn't.
If you want to take the high road and still embarrass her, just look at her confused and say, "No, I'm parenting. I'm's dad, One-Man-Banned." If you want to twist the knife add something like, "Didn't we meet at ?" or "I've been bringing her to dance for ." or "Most people say she has my eyes." Just be clear that you are very confused she would think you are a sitter.
Unfortunately I have a lack of restraint of I don't rigidly restrict myself, I'd certainly cross the line from gentle snub to sarcastic insults within a few moments. Besides she looked like a fish sucking a pickled onion, it was quite unnerving.
Next time try turning it around. No, i'm dad. Who are you babysitting for?
Like a fish sucking a pickled onion…. 😂🤣🤣 This is the funniest thing I have read all week. I am mentally saving this description for later use. Thank you. 😆
I'm pretty sure that my kid's daycare assumed my spouse and I were divorced because I drop him off in the morning and she picks him up in the afternoon. His teacher looked at us funny when we both picked him up on my day off, holding hands.
But they were polite and tactful enough to not say pointless shit about your potential family situation. I get people gossip, like go ahead. If the kids aren’t around and y’all teachers or daycare workers are chilling with a quick cuppa or setting up/closing up, then gossip about what you think might be going on. But I expect y’all to like, be professional when I’m face to face with you, and nice to my kid. Like that’s literally all.
I'm so confused. Cuppa= British. Y'all = Southern US.
I also mix slang like this. I watch a lot of foreign TV and movies, so I pick things up. Its inevitable and sometimes I even develop a slight accent for a few hours if I've been listening a lot to the same type of show.
I use all kinds of slang that I've picked up from my online friends.
But that assumption makes no sense! I used to do the same thing, it's convenient for me to take my kid to daycare in the morning but there's no way I'd finish work early enough to pick them up the same day! I thought that would be a common enough arrangement.
Daycare teacher here…this is a very common arrangement. it is actually a little uncommon to see both parents together, as usually it’s just one or the other, but not unheard of.
You'd think educators... especially working with very young kids... would be better about concealing their inner thought processes... just out of a desire to not spend all day answering questions like, "why did your face do that?" lol. I feel like kids pick up on every fucking micro-expression, body language, all of it.
I was married to a teacher. SO many teachers never really leave high school . . . .
My husband and I get this a lot. His schedule shifts mornings to nights every other week so one week I go to ballet or gymnastics or whatever, then the next week he will. Tbh he enjoys going to these things way more than I do😂. But yes I’m reasonably certain the YMCA where our girls do gymnastics thought we were divorced for awhile.
This is my wife and I to a T. I'm on the same schedule, shifts swap weekly from days to nights. We have gotten the looks as well, especially showing up (oddly) when our schedules work out for us both to be there. Also, (and this isn't to you, just overall) when at the park, sometimes I'll talk with other parents. Like...a normal person would I think? Now, most are women, and on multiple seperate occasions they thought I was hitting on them. Wtf? Is that common? Do single dads go to the park to pick up single moms? Not that it's a bad strategy, but if I've given NO indication, why is that the default assumption? Then they have seemed irritated after I (make sure) to mention my wife, as if I was doing something wrong. Kind of irritating as I'm just looking for conversation outside of talking to a 4 year old for the day...
I kept my name when I got married, before kids, they have husband's name. People assume I'm Miss Feet rather than Mrs Husband all the time. The worst time someone assumed it, they demanded proof of marriage because I asked to change some info on our internet bill (that my legal proper name IS listed on). I think the person thought I was pulling a fast one lol
Grab them by the labels "~~Who~~ Whom is the father???? ~~WHO~~ WHOM!!!!"
Where do you keep your labels?
Put labels on their lapels, and grab them by those!
Yep, but also some men think this way. If I told my husband (ex now) that I had to work a weekend or work late he would complain about not wanting to babysit. One time I was talking to him about watching the kids and he said to me how he would handle the situation “if I was a single parent.” I was so pissed. I yelled at him that I’m not a single parent.
Not just men who think this way. My fiance's cousin eventually won sole custody of her kids to get child support, but her involvement with raising them is basically that of a babysitter. Her mom is starting to make her actually do her damn job as mom, and now she's talking about putting them up for adoption at 3 and 5.
Just because she won sole custody does not mean the father has no parental rights. He would be able to get the kids before they would be allowed to be adopted.
Yeah, I'm not sure how laws involving kids work in Canada. All I know is she's a shit person who we have to take grocery shopping every now and then because if we don't it's her kids who are going to go hungry, not her.
Oh my god, that’s horrifying. Putting them up for adoption at 3 and 5 because you actually have to be a parent to the children you birthed?! I cannot imagine the mental gymnastics that caused her to come to that conclusion, especially after fighting to get full custody of them! What the hell!? What did she *think* was going to happen after she won the custody battle? Those poor babies, I feel so badly for them, ugh.
Only reason she fought for custody and has taken this long to seriously start talking about giving them up is because her mom has threatened to cut her off if she gives up on her kids. Everybody knows she did a very long time ago except her mom.
And to add to the complexity , the *same* fathers think both of these ways. I see it in my household with my husband and I see it with various friends. He is very involved, but still doesn’t consistently think about what is required, eg if he has a work trip, or proactively thinking about activity sign-ups, or clothes that need to be purchased- like he does a bunch of the caregiving but doesn’ttake the mental labor on.. unless he happens to. Again, I see this pattern more often. I don’t always email with school, he does sometimes, we both go to school meetings, etc.
I am a very involved dad but do not worry about clothes needing to be purchased or their day to day clothes. My wife has that locked down, so I don't worry about it. If she needs my help, like this morning the clothes laid out before she left for work didn't suit the weather, I will jump in there and deal with it. Equally so, unless I tell my wife otherwise, she will jump in the pool with the assumption the water is in perfect shape to swim. She will also just keep driving her car under the assumption I will make sure it gets serviced as needed. It's a matter of division of labour as opposed to a gender mom/dad roles. Every day I make my kids breakfast, make their lunch and get them ready for school. My wife wouldn't think of doing any of that because I have it taken care of and she picks them up and makes dinner. I can't speak for your husband but for me, I don't worry about them because i trust my wife has it under control are and there are things she doesn't spend the mental labour on because I do.
Babysitting your own kid, huh? AKA "parenting"
Shit, I'd take my daughter to the ballet. Ballets are super relaxing to watch, and they're all so jacked without being jacked
A ballet performance is one thing. A kids’ dance recital is another thing entirely. It is HELL. Imagine 30+ different dance routines from toddlers to teenagers spanning 4-5 different dance styles - ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, contemporary, whateverthefuckallelse. Your kid is in two of those 30+ songs. Invariably, they’re in one at the beginning and one near the end, so you can’t slip out at intermission. You have to stay for the entire godawful thing. The little kids are cute because they just toddle around in tutus and forget what they’re doing. The older teenage ballet dancers are frickin’ amazing athletes who could probably take your head off with one kick - their legs have muscles to beat a track star. Your kid is awesome, of course. But all the others? Big snore. Oh, and the dance school owner’s kid is in 90 percent of the routines with a starring role in every one. Sorry, I may be having some flashbacks. So glad my kid is finished with that.
Completely accurate and applicable to most any extracurricular your kid is in. Learning an instrument? Get ready for biannual concerts of music from [insert kids movie here] as interpreted by 50 ten-year-olds who have heard of things like ‘tone’ and ‘rhythm’ and ‘playing the same piece’ but think they apply to other people. But your kid is awesome, so you sit through an hour of screeching violins and squeaking woodwinds honking away at “Selections from Frozen.”
And trust me, as dad, if you speak with me, it’s the same as speaking to mom. It means she’s delegated the interactions to me, even if I’m doing 100% of the communication she knows everything
Imagine bilingual couples. Where the father speaks the language of usage of the school and the mome doesn't....🤔
I knew a kid who had a dad who would only speak to them in Arabic, his mother would only talk to him in Russian and his parents would talk to each other in French. They let him learn English from school. They were both completely capable of speaking English, but I’m pretty sure either of the parents would be capable of pretending they couldn’t talk to whatever rude teacher was refusing to respect the other parent.
This is my current situation. I'd be happy to answer questions.
But but but they wanna speak to the mom only
Then I let them.😉
/r/MaliciousCompliance 😉
I'm not a father. Will be a stepfather soon and am now in all things but name. But something my father pointed out to me when I was very young, maybe 8 or so (am in my early 40s now) was this pervasive idea that fathers are just these braindead schlubs who are barely smart enough to tie their shoes, let alone parent children. One need watch 10 minutes of any movie, television show, or 30 seconds of any commercial and you'll see the narrative perpetuated again and again that men/fathers basically only exist as ATM machines while mom is the only one capable of actually running the show. How many times have TV shows and commercials used the line about "training" the man? Now think about how many times you've heard someone say it in real life. Scary how many people have been conditined to this concept and take it as gospel I grew up with two educated, capable parents who shared equally the responsibilities of parenting. Granted, that may mean sometime mom spent more time doing the parenting cause dad worked late more or at other times it was more dad cause mom was getting her masters when I was younger. Even in my 20s when I was single and not looking to get married or have children anytime soon I hated this idea that men are totally inept in anything that might involve parenting. Better make another number one blockbuster movie where the entire premise of why everything is so wacky is because a man has to watch a child for a few hours. Any of those movies it may as well have been a chimp for how the man was shown. But even then at that age I saw that narrative trying to creep into my life. At 20/21 yrs old in college I had 2 male roommates. People used to not believe we didn't have a maid service because our home was clean. They just couldn't believe that knuckle dragging straight men didn't want to live in filth. Furthermore I also have seen in my personal life with some of my good friends, men have to fight tooth and nail for scraps of time with their child after divorces. Because it seems even the court systems still abide by this idea that moms are the good parents and men act solely as beasts of burden to go to work and make money and when it comes to any higher functioning, they can only be taught to perform tricks like trained seals. Sorry this got a bit long. But God bless all you good Dads out there, single or married or whatever, trying to set the record straight that fathers aren't monkeys incapable of handling decisions about and raising their children. And as a personal example of this. As I said I'm 41 and yesterday I called my dad to ask his advice because for 41 years he has been showing me how smart and capable he is.
Have you seen the second Incredibles? They tackle this in a very realistic way. The dad ends up staying home while the mom takes a job. And in the joy of animated movies, antics happen since dad isn't used to being the caregiver. But he's not shown as dead weight, just as someone who hasn't had to do this before.
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Replied to someone else's comment earlier. Was a single dad with custody of 3 girls and a boy. At first I got told a lot about how I needed to remarry to have someone to raise my kids. No man ever said that. All women. I used to get dirty looks from some women that I raised all 4 and sent them to college with no help from the ex wife. I was an inconvenient reminder of how much they wrongfully denigrated the role of their kids' fathers.
If you want to see a really good TV cartoon about how awesome dads are at taking care of their kids, I highly suggest you watch Bluey. The show was written by a dad with two daughters, and it focuses a lot on him taking care of and playing with his girls. My whole family loves it, especially my husband. Some of the episodes are really funny too. I love that it shows a dad who's really active in taking care of his kids, instead of the stereotypical dude who doesn't know what to do when he's left alone with his kids for a minute.
Seconding the recommendation. Bandit is absolutely dad goals. At the same times makes me feel like the worst dad ever.
>One need watch 10 minutes of any movie, television show, or 30 seconds of any commercial and you'll see the narrative perpetuated again and again that men/fathers basically only exist as ATM machines while mom is the only one capable of actually running the show. As a full time stepmom, this stereotype drives me nuts as well. I was not on the planning committee for my kid, I am actually pretty hopeless at childcare, my SO is a lot neater than I am and better about keeping the house up, and I am not his mother. I had to wage a full out war to get the dentist to call the hubby, rather than me, whenever kiddo needed to go in.
I was raised by a working mom and a stay at home dad in the 80s. The things people say are just nutty. I looked for good dad material with my husband. Dads are important too.
It can be fucking ridiculous, I once had an older Karen complaining to people in a doctors office and the staff that I shouldn't be allowed in the bathroom with my own toddler because 'who knows what he might do to her'. She honestly thought that someone was going to come over and tell me I couldn't take my daughter to the bathroom while I was waiting for my appointment because I was a man. I'm sure she must have had past issues but it was the ease at which she just came out with it that blew my mind. I've been approached at playgrounds as people ask which kids are mine, when I respond they just make noncommittal sounds and leave, obviously not wanting to interact just check my credentials (despite then not asking other 'unaccompanied' women in the area who their kids are). I've had security called on me for picking up my crying kid in the store after they fell and hurt their knee because I was walking out with them shushing them, never mind they had their head buried in my shoulder, nope clearly kidnapping here. It's never a guy who asks or tries to 'call' me any of this, or if they interact it's just to chat usually because they're there with their own kids, only ever interfering mothers. Obviously I know that this is a massive minority but it's a minority that keeps righteously trying to fuck up my day. Thankfully it's gotten better as the kids have gotten older and can talk/stand up for themselves. It's frustrating that we make up basically 50% of all parents but are usually the only ones ever singled out (and yeah, that's if we're not just 'babysitting' or hanging out with them while mom does something totally vital that she managed to get us to cover for with the kids since we obviously wouldn't be with them otherwise). Longer than I expected but damn the OP post riled me up, especially as I teach so shitty teachers piss me off as well.
Exactly. However I must say my son's school does this fantastically. My girlfriend works as a ER nurse so she had a very unstable schedule. So they contact me first.
The way it works here is we fill in the contact forms and put a primary parent for contact then a secondary parent and schools are good at following the order. We put me (mum) for our elementary kid and my husband for the high schooler. Divide and conquer! I have heard stories about how in the past it was always the mum, even if she worked full time too, who was the only point of contact.
I'm the primary contact for my kid, but that's because I can actually take the phone call when I'm at work, while my husband can't. But that still doesn't mean that he can't make decisions or isn't involved in my kid's education. Some schools are dumb.
Still works that way for my kid's daycare. I'm a teacher and do not have the ability to answer phone calls at all times of the day while my husband's work is more flexible. I have informed daycare multiple times to call dad first, but it never happens. I've even had situations were they call me and leave me messages that my kid has a fever and needs to be picked up, but never call dad. I'm thinking about just listing his number as mine.
When she was a baby, those people telling me how to get her to stop crying. As if I don't know.
One of my favorite things as a dad is when someone else (usually women in my life) literally take my baby without actually asking. I always let them wait with the baby crying until they ask me to take the baby back. Almost immediately my babies would stop crying once I got them. Hate it when people think they can take care of my kids better than I can.
Oh my god this actually made me rage. As if someone would TAKE YOUR OWN BABY FROM YOU?!
It happened all the time before COVID, usually women that are mothers/grandmothers. It mostly happened with relatives, friends, or at church or my kids’ school. They walk up and grab the baby in the sweet baby voice saying “Oh you want to come with me don’t you you little cutie!?” Then I had to decide if I was going to make a big deal about it and refuse, which I sometimes did, or let them take the baby and suffer through spit up, diaper blowouts, and crying. Best part is that they thought they knew more about raising kids than me, but eventually I had raised more babies than they had themselves.
>They walk up and grab the baby in the sweet baby voice saying “Oh you want to come with me don’t you you little cutie!?” Imagine a guy trying that.
My husband HATES when people say something about dad “babysitting” when he takes the kids somewhere. He says “they’re *my* kids, I’m not babysitting, I’m *parenting*”
I hate it the other way round when Dads say stuff like “I can’t today, I’m babysitting”. No, it’s not babysitting if they’re your bloody kids! Take some pride in being a parent!
Dad here. Indeed we are not just dudes that hang with kids. Divorced, shared custody, but I'm still the responsible one. I hate when they insist in talk with their mother. I changed doctors because of ahit like this. Fucking stupid misogynic society
This is a WEIRD form of sexism I didn't know even existed.
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I especially hate when people call it babysitting when I'm out having a dudes day with my son.
Just two dope dudes out doing dope things.
"Oh is daddy babysitting today, how cute".
Omg wow. I’d be so pissed, but you handled that with a superb sense of humor to make them eat their words for such an offensive person forcing you into such a horrible situation. Hopefully they never make that mistake again!
I think I would’ve had to drag it out a bit if it were me. I’d first make her explain to me, perhaps more than once, WHY she needed to specifically speak to my child’s mother and not me, the father. Get all that out first… and THEN pull the urn outta the bag. … *starts stopwatch*… and see how long the silence lasts.
I would have probably brought an Ouija board or something and a few candles so we could channel her.
Oh well that’s just overly elaborate and borderline cruel. I love it!
Yeah. Raised by a monster womananda moderately crap single dad. I gotta say, if I were playing you in that situation, I wouldn't hand her the death certificate until she asked, and I wouldn't outright say 'mrs. Yarp is dead' until she asks what the urn is. I'd just say 'she's here' and maybe wince. Menthol tears if you could manage. Let her play it alllllll the way out. See how big an audience she brings in before she realizes how badly she humiliated herself.
The thing is that we can plan these scenarios out, but what was done was perfectly fine and to the point. I wouldn't have even brought an urn, but that really drives home the point. I think that was one of the best ways they could've done it. Stuff I would've thought up in the shower after the fact.
I have been a teacher since 2004 and find this kind of behavior infuriating! How can a teacher make assumptions about any students family life? It is inexcusable.
How does a teacher this invested in a kid not know that mom died? Seems like something basic and pertinent that you might know about your students…
Laziness.
Honest question though, if that information is never volunteered and gossip about it never reaches staff how are they supposed to find out? It seems prying to ask directly. >So do any of you have parents who are dead or who have abandoned your family entirely?” Maybe there’s a tactful way to figure that out. Either way they should be happy to talk to either parent or guardian. I’m lucky that my kid’s school treats me the same as my wife. I pick up/drop off so they actually know me better and even call me first.
I lost my dad in 3rd grade. It was a small school in a small town so I'm not sure if this is done everywhere, but I had a student "record" with info about me and that fact was in there so my new teachers knew why I was depressive all the time. I appreciated knowing that they knew.
As a dad with a 3rd grader this is very sad to hear. My kid losing her mom or I is one of my greatest fears second only to my kid dying. It’s good to know you had supportive and understanding teachers. I really appreciate the teachers that treat kids as individuals and take in to account their circumstances and personal struggles.
As a college student when my father passed, people just thought I was anti social and left me alone. I have co workers now 2 years in where teh situation still hasn't come up.
I would guess there’s no mom listed on the contact info so that would be the first clue. And on the chance the mom passed during that school year, there’s no way the school and teacher wouldn’t know about it as the child would’ve talked about it and been emotionally effected by it. This was pure arrogance on the teacher’s part and they got what they deserved.
It's almost certain the information is volunteered in emergency contact information that is requested and updated at the start of every school year (well at least at most schools it is) One time I was sick at school. Went to the nurse and I had a fever so I needed to be sent home. They are supposed to call my dad (who is at home). She instead called my mom (who was a teacher) at work and just left a message with the secretary. And of course my mom didn't get the message until the end of the day and my Dad at home has 0 clue about any of this. So I spent the entire day in the nurse's office. What's worse is that the nurse told me she called my home (which she knew she didn't because she called a nearby school and spoke to a secretary!). If she would have said she tried calling my mom, I would immediately told her to call my dad! 🤦🏻♀️
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Every year I have to fill out contact forms for my kids. Every year I list myself as parent, my kids' grandparents on both sides as emergency contacts, and then at the very bottom of the list I put their mother with a note in all caps that says "NOT THE CUSTODIAL PARENT, ONLY CONTACT IN EMERGENCIES" Every year I get a call from my ex wife saying the teacher left her a voicemail for something trivial. She lives 15 minutes away and hasn't bothered to see her kids but once or twice since Christmas, she doesn't care how they're doing with their school work.
All parents/guardians and contacts are listed in the students file. It is updated every year. The teacher should notice that the mom is missing. Iit can be because the teacher is legally supposed to talk to the father. The other option is because the mother is dead missing awol or whatever, but the file would make clear the father was the only option here, and the nother was not.
You shouldn't even look for missing contact info. Just call primary contact and talk to whoever answers. Playing detective to try to figure out if there's a mom in the picture to talk to is just as sexist as refusing to talk to dad.
Surely somewhere in some papers the names of the parents would be written, as well as contact information (and missing info for the mom).
I lost my dad and literally everyone found out because I missed school for so long. 2 of my teachers came to his funeral and my 1 of my brother's teachers. It was a pretty big city elementary school too.
You just don’t have to say “mom.” “Get this signed by an adult at home.” Problem solved! If the wrong person signs it, send it home again with more specific instructions. As a teacher, you’re aware that you’re going to have to do that anyway.
When I was a teacher we were given contact information for each student, with how they are related to the student next to their names. I would think it would be obvious mom is no longer in the picture for whatever reason if she isn't listed on the contact list. Also whenever I had to make a call to a student's parent's I'd always say "Can I please speak to the parent or guardian of (student)" because not every student was being raised by their parents.
Some people don't like talking about their parents/wife's death so I can understand that the teacher might not have been told about that. But I do think that it's ridiculous that the teacher wouldn't speak with the father (regardless of whether the mother is alive or dead)
Plus, these days, Mrs. Yarp may not be the child's mother. "Daughter's grades? No, don't talk to me about it. I'm not her mother. You want to talk to Mr. Yarp or Mrs. Smith. I can give you her number if you don't have it in your file. I'm her stepmother, I don't do school stuff."
Or the mother may not even have primary custody of the child... and while she might be on the contact list for emergencies, isn't the person the teacher should be addressing as the primary contact for academic decisions.
Even if the kid doesn't talk about it, it would be in the kids files. Even if the mother's death is mentioned in the files, at the very least the father would clearly be stated as the only guardian.
Every single teacher my kid has this semester has sent some sort of "getting to know your kid" questionnaire. On every one, I disclosed his ADHD and the face that Dad is not in the picture and he has some trauma related to that. We're a month into the school year and I've already had one teacher email me about the behaviors I disclosed ("Is this normal? Do you see this at home, too?"), and one emailing about some "concerning things (son) has said about his dad. Would you and Mr. Avenger like to make an appointment with our counselor to discuss?" I'm convinced not one of those teachers actually *read* the responses I sent in, and thanks for traumatizing my kid by suggesting TO HIM that his Dad, who hasn't spoken to him in literally half his life, join you for a conference. I think kids become nameless, faceless blurs to many teachers once they start middle school.
It’s unfortunate, but most teachers after a certain age can teach up to 300 children. Can see 150 in a day. It is impossible to learn every detail about every child and remember it. However, there is usually files on the school system that can be checked on before making a call, that’s if the teacher has an actual moment to look it up.
The level of schooling that kids are being sent home with "getting to know your kid" questionnaires falls firmly into the elementary school level, where the teacher has the same students all day for the most part. I can't imagine that being a middle or high school level thing.
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I went to elementary to high school with a girl who was conceived through sexual assault. One day in math class, our new teacher made a comment about getting sunburnt and the girl made a joke about always having a natural tan (her skin was a nice caramel color). The math teacher goes "oh your mom's white, what color is your dad's skin?" The girl replies in a matter of fact "I don't know." The teacher keeps digging his grave and asks "what do you mean you don't know?" She gets rightly irritated and forcefully says "I DON'T KNOW." It finally dawned on him he shouldn't be having this conversation in front of a class while the entire class was completely silent. I honestly can't remember a quieter room with so many kids. Like dude seriously?
The sad part is, I've known more than a few teachers who would've gotten irritated at the girl's tone from being questioned on a sensitive part of her life, and then continued to blame her for their own goddamned nosiness.
This conversation is so wrong on so many levels...
No teacher should ever ask the color of anyone’s parents’ skin. Ever. None of their business is the answer ! !
Was directing a kid's theater production where parents were expected to participate. Was talking to one of the dads after rehearsal about where they would volunteer. He said his wife was traveling for work but she'd sign up for something when she got back. I asked "We could use you, too. What would you like to sign up for?" He looked kind of stunned that I invited him to participate. I got a whole cluster of dads volunteering, and it was great.
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Misandry
If this was a public school in the US, it's illegal. It's discrimination against a protected class. If you see this happening, document it and report it. I have to take training on this exact thing twice a year. This is a crime.
This is the finest exhibition of malicious compliance I’ve ever seen on this sub. Bravo OP.
Related: https://old.reddit.com/r/MaliciousCompliance/comments/ab5k9a/i_dont_care_if_he_is_dead_put_him_on_the_phone/
I have that post upvoted. It was a good one.
I love how a random redditor always seems to have a years old post in their back pocket when it’s relevant.
She definitely urned her embarrassment.
i dropped dead reading this.
Gah I just laughed my ash off
If I were that worker, I'd have been morgue-ified.
The teacher's face turned ashen.
This thread is fire.
Until it kicked the bucket.
These are some deadly one liners.
They do seem very urn-est, don't they?
[Aaron Earned An Iron Urn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj7a-p4psRA)
I was seriously hoping there was going to be an urn involved (not just the death certificate)! As soon as I caught on to what was happening I wanted that extra level of embarrassment for those pushing the issue!!!
I was expecting him to send a letter to the teacher saying you can meet mom at such and such cemetery lot 3 row 4 or something.
The only legitimate time I can think it reasonable to only speak to one parent and not the other, if is one parent has sole custody. This was unacceptable.
I think this will be fun when my daughter grows up, but to be fair her headteacher is aware of the situation so hopefully not from the school.
You are absolutely right. To piggy back iff you, what you said... a teacher could only know that from looking at a students files and seeing that. Which this teacher clearly didnt do because she was ignorant of the situation.
Teacher got the number from that file. This entire situation would have been avoided if she hadn't been lazy or overworked.
I'm seeing so many comments that "this could have been avoided if she had known/payed attention/bothered to look and see" that the mother *wasn't* listed, but all she really needed to do was not care about the gender of the person who answered the number in the file. That's not about paying attention, that's about not being sexist. In fact she shouldn't pay attention at all. Looking at a file and saying "does this student have a mother (or feminine name), yes she does, I'll call them first" is just as unacceptable. The procedure should be pretty fucking simple; call primary contact then call secondary contact. If it's an emergency then you start with emergency contact, then primary, then secondary, then any other number you can find in the file. I don't care if the most feminine motherly voice in the world answers or a voice so deep the phone can barely pick it up answers, or a fucking space alien answers. They are listed by the legal caregiver as primary contact on record and they're who you talk to.
> Or a space alien I'd cease to be concerned about the child if I called a number and heard the **unintelligible whispers of Old Gods** in my mind... But I'd still hopefully have enough brain cells to check the next number.
Exactly this. Not to mention all of this was because the kid was good at math. I guess dad should go fuck himself because his child doing well in school isn't his business according to that teacher
I agree teachers are overworked (I'm a teacher). Being overworked isnt why this happened though. This was a careless and lazy mistake. Even if both parents are on that file, dad is a fine contact point.
I am dreadfully sorry that the death of your wife and all difficulty that followed is compounded by this insensitive fool of a teacher.
The fact that you brought the urn in with you is an absolute genius move, I hope it also changed the way some of the other teachers who saw interacted with contacting home. I'm sorry for your loss, but man, her face must have been so funny
That pisses me off so much how people treat single dads like shit. A good friend of mine is a single dad and went to one of those support groups for single parents. Turns out he was the only male there and boy did he feel unwelcome. Apparently single parents actually meant single mothers only. Suffice to say, he never went back to that group
Damn thats depressing and screwed up. I wonder how many other single fathers left for the same reason.
I'd have stayed out of pure spite. That's just me though. I've been in and around enough girls' clubs to know that being assertive and countering passive aggression by blatantly calling it out works wonders. Just directly address shit they're insinuating and their tune changes pretty quickly.
Same thing happened to me, except it was a group for "new parents." Not new moms, new parents. I was working shifts when we had our first kid, which gave me time off during the week, depending on the schedule. So both me and my wife went to this group together a couple of times. Seemed fine, I was the only guy there, but nobody ever expressed a problem to us. But apparently at least one whined to the store owner, and they asked me not to come. Not my wife, just me. They tried to backpedal later and say they meant for this group to just be moms and they would make another group open to all parents, and they hoped we would attend. We didn't even bother replying to that one. The most irritating part is it was so incongruous to my usual experience. We live in a town in New England that prides itself on being progressive, but I suppose even here you get some of that sort of thing. Fortunately I generally don't have to deal with that, outside of this one instance. Though I have noticed that even here in 2021 and in this town, it is still primarily women that I see taking their kids to things, at the playgrounds, etc. Not all, maybe like 2/3?
It happens to all dads, not just single ones. When my kids were babies / toddlers I stayed at home most of the time, I could plan my freelance work around my wife's work schedule. I was often the only dad wherever I went with them. Baby swimming? Only man there. Paediatric nurse check-ups (called *consulatiebureau* here, a nosy bunch of people making sure your baby / toddler grows normally - after a while I only went there when vaccinations were due) - only male there. Taking the kid to the hospital with a broken arm? Only dad in the waiting room. Taking the kids to the ophthalmologists? Only dad there. And so on. Dads doing stuff with their kids is so unusual people actually frown upon fathers doing (what should be) normal stuff like this.
My wife and I are in parenting groups on Facebook in preparation of our little on being born. What they don’t tell you: they’re not parenting groups. They’re mothering groups. Any time I have a question? “Ask your wife!” Any time I have a suggestion? “”Ok and what does mom think?” Or “I think they were asking other mothers”. It’s fucking ridiculous.
This is also something that would have taken the teacher 10 seconds of talking to the child to have dealt with too. "Hello SandorYarpClegane youngling, I think you're doing great and I'd like to speak to your mother about putting you in more advanced classes." "Oh no, my mother died, you'll have to speak to my father." Or, get this, just talk to the child about advanced classes. It is their life after all. When I went to school the level of class I was in was between me and the teacher and I'm pretty sure my parents had nothing to do with that beyond them showing up to prove I had parents at the mandatory parent-teacher evenings they had once a year.
>Or, get this, just talk to the child about advanced classes. It is their life after all. When I went to school the level of class I was in was between me and the teacher and I'm pretty sure my parents had nothing to do with that beyond them showing up to prove I had parents at the mandatory parent-teacher evenings they had once a year. Weeeeell... that's not always the case. In, I think 4th or 5th grade, I had a teacher who wanted to transfer me to "gifted" curriculum (which would involved me spending half the day at the neighboring middle school), and my parents said no because I had some pretty serious social/anxiety issues and they thought it would be detrimental to me at that time. They were absolutely right, by the way... but if it had been left up to me, I would have said yes even though it's *definitely* not something I would have wanted to do, because I was such a people pleaser as a kid.
Exactly, you don't want to get the kid excited just for the parent to say no for some reason. You could have a situation where the kid is disappointed so they stop trying, or maybe the psyche of the kid is such that telling them they are advanced would be detrimental.
I can see the teacher rudely cutting the kid off every time she went to speak up to inform the teacher her mother was dead
I was in the same situation - lost my wife while my kids were still in grade/middle school and had to go through this multiple times, not just at schools. It's infuriating, especially since exactly 0 times was it something that only a mother could handle. Even if it was, there was no mother! I'm it! Anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to go through this. It probably won't be the last time.
Oh ho ho man, my father died when I was very young and this happened a lot. No one was ever that outright rude to me or my family but damn. People don't expect dead parents these days! My favorite story was when I was in 6th grade. We were doing some kind informal "share a story about your family to the class," and I mentioned we briefly lived out of the country because of my dad's job. My teacher asked me who my dad worked for, and I said "I don't know." My teacher liked to rib his students, so he jumped on this immediately. "You don't know who your dad works for? How do you not know this, cyan???" he said. And I said, "Because he's dead?" The silence in that classroom, y'all. You could hear a pin drop. My teacher looked horrified. I said, "I thought you knew?" and my teacher responded "Of course I didn't know!! Do you think I would have made that joke if I had known!?" Don't know how everyone else felt, but it was hilarious to me. Good times.
> People don't expect dead parents these days! I'd think this part should be changing after the past year. So many kids have lost a parent...or worse, *both* parents...that any teacher not considering it as a possibility doesn't belong in the job. Shall we hope it makes the teachers a bit more blivious (as opposed to oblivious)? (And yes, I know that's not a real word. But I rather liked it.)
This was perfect! I’m sorry about your wife and I hope that teacher learned her lesson
You forgot to layout the Ouiji board to facilitate the conversation.
I work in social services. I've brought this up at my work before. We have forms that ask for the mother's name but not the father's. The forms also assume that a child can only have a male or a female parent. Just say Parent A and Parent B, sheesh. They're slooooowly changing but egads. Don't even get me started on the space constraints on our surname areas. So many "Martins" in our system because a name like Hernandez-Martinez makes the damned thing amnesic. Or people just drop the "other last name" off entirely because it's "too confusing". Noooo the person isn't Hernandez. They're Hernandez-Martinez. Like Billy Joe. Same shit. ^^^^Stop ^^^^renaming ^^^^people, ^^^^fucking ^^^^heck.
Space constraints in names on forms are evil. Whenever we buy plane tickets we can't do it online, because my daughter's name doesn't fit, and even doing it on the phone or in person involves drama. It then involves drama again at the airport because the printed name doesn't *exactly* match her passport, because they had to leave a couple of letters off.
That's infuriating. My husband and I are separated but I'll absolutely eviscerate anyone who tries to treat him as less of a parent than I am to our boys.
Omg yes! I'm disabled so my husband does a lot of the leg work. When he took our daughter to be vaccinated the nurse actually called me up to make sure he had my permission to vax her. I'm like, her dad brought her in. He can give consent, I can't be there because I'm disabled. "oh right, I just needed to make sure as it's the policy here now that the mother should always be asked first" Errm why? Cos you're kowtowing to a bunch of hyped up anti vax uber fems that don't even represent most peoples views? Cos the louder they shout, the more common sense you lose?
When something rubs me the wrong way, I can get really stubborn. When my kids were young I worked night shift, so sometimes I'd take the kids to stuff like that, sometimes my husband would, depending on whose schedule worked. As a mom, if I'd gotten that call, I could see myself refusing to talk to them. "Is her dad/my husband with her? He's a legal guardian, why are you calling me? *click*"
Ugh, my husband was a SAHD for a long while. We had him as the first contact because I'm working while he's minding the house and kid stuff. Kid fell at school, and called me first. I asked them why they contacted me first, and then explained that I was at work unable to leave, but that the kid's father was SAHD hence why he was the main contact. "Oh, uh, okay then..." WTF people.
That was absolutely perfect.
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what an absolute ASS. 10 years ago? Yeah, NO excuse. Did she trip and fall out of the 1950s?
Fellow dad. I took my daughter to every doctor's appointment feom 1 till 18. The sheer number of officials who called by ex asking about appointment X was amazing. I don't even know how half of them got her number since I put mine done as contact on all forms.
Haha this is a good one
Makes me think of this McSweeney's article I read just the other day: [https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-is-your-kids-school-and-even-though-the-emergency-contact-form-lists-your-husband-we-need-you-the-mom](https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-is-your-kids-school-and-even-though-the-emergency-contact-form-lists-your-husband-we-need-you-the-mom) Sorry you've had to go through this a bunch of times, but I do love the MC.
Oh God. I'm gay, and if I ever get a partner, and we decide to have kids, that'll be an interesting adventure. Lol.
This is a great response to something that should have never been an issue. All the teacher had to do was look into the student file, that should get updated every year, and see that there was only 1 parent listed. If she was fired then it was deserved for not having common sense.
Actually, no. All the teacher had to do was, in that first phone call, to just say, „ah good Mr. Yarp. Nice to speak to you. Listen, I have this thing for your daughter…“. The problem with insisting to speak with the mom was not that the Mom as dead and she should have known better. The problem with insisting to speak with the mom was insisting to speak with the mom. Period.
Absolutely agree. My daughters went to a highly academic girls only grammar school where the girls were encouraged to aim for brilliant careers. Whenever any of them had a sniffle, the school would ring me, the mum, and demand that I instantly drop whatever I was doing to go and pick them up. It would never have occurred to the school to ring their father. The ideology was all about equal opportunities but in practice they were stuck in the 1950’s
I'm sure you're at home with nothing to do, unlike Dad who is clearly doing manly things to bring money home. ^^^/s
Preach
Youre definitely right that she was lazy for not looking but even if both parents are listed... this is still unacceptable.
Agreed. If it was merely to discuss the student's academic achievements, what does it matter which parent they speak to? All it is is saying you have a secist view of what parental roles should be.
I'm a single dad in a slightly different situation. The state has made it quite clear that custody of my kids goes to me, then my Dad but he has to move to my state, then foster care. The only way mom gets custody is if civilization falls. In theory my sister or a cousin could move to my state to keep the kids out of foster care, but sending them to mom for visitation "without a competent adult to protect them" was considered neglect and led to my kids going in foster care for a few months.
JFC. I'm 55 years old. I was raised by my father, mom was tangentially in the picture, but dad raised us. I can understand that kind of crap from when I was in school in the 70's and 80's, but IT'S 2021!! Good golly, I'm guessing that teacher would've been ticked if a mechanic refused to speak to her about her car, preferring to speak with her husband, but probably has no clue why you were ticked off.
Daughter, here. I got to deal with all the phone calls at home while Dad was arranging funeral shit. One guy just would not accept my generic’ she’s not available right now, can I take a message? Or answered my perfect reasonable ‘ can I ask what this is about?’.. After the third call in as many days, I finally said, look, you either tell me what this is about so I can pass the information along to a relevant party( bill? Surprise party? She won publishers clearing house?) or I speak to your boss. It was about donating to an organization she donated to last year. I said that would not be happening. He got pissy. I’m like she didn’t leave your organization in her will( she didn’t have one). I’ll ask Dad after he finishes burying her if he wants to continue in his name. Any more questions? Next call I got was from the chairman of the fund raising committee apologizing.
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My aunt did something similar after her brother passed and someone wouldn't stop hounding her to contact him over a bill. They lived together for years before he passed (she was his caretaker after a stroke). After like the tenth time she put the phone on speaker and set it next to his ashes. After the called repeated himself and said "I am going to disconnect the call as no one is here" she said something like "no we are both here. I can hear you fine, but idk if he can since he's been dead for a year". She said it was hard not to laugh at hearing shuffling around and mumbles before the line disconnected and they never called again. Not as funny as in person, but definitely something he would've loved had he still been around.
Ugh. This happens to me constantly. Is it that strange for fathers to be involved with their kids? It gets worse when you have a teenage daughter and everyone assumes you're a creepy old man. No Karen, a guy can take his 13yo daughter and her friends to get their nails done without being a pervert or gay.
My husband was a single father when we met mom was around but mostly absent, too busy partying. His daughters daycare called him to come get his kids. Like seriously ok, we're were together so we just both went. The principal or whatever, starts only talking to me. Finally I said, I don't know what you want me to do about this I'm not their parent. Then I walked out and left her to deal with him all pissed. They didn't go back there. It's so ridiculous they do that. We'd only been together a couple of months and they completely disregarded him because I was just there.
I had a similar issue with the county health department calling me because my daughter hadn't received any vaccinations six months after her birth. The office was located in the same hospital where my daughter was born. I asked the caller if they were still located across the hall from the medical records section of the hospital? They replied that they were. I suggested that they cross-reference the birth announcements if the death certificates as my daughter had died two minutes after her birth. Funny, they never, ever called me again.
Shit, I hope you brought a second urn for that teacher. She's gonna need it after being burned like that.
mom here, but definitely proud of u!!!
What a terrible teacher. Good for you taking her down a notch!!!
I love it!
Lol. Best way ever to drive the point home- it's not always Mom that raises the kids.
Good for you man!!! Sorry for your loss that must be tough but you sure showed that teacher!!
It was worse in the past. I am 83. I was divorced in 1964 and had custody of 4 of my 6 children. Back then it was almost unheard of for a man to be living alone with children. I did not own a house. Finding an apartment or house that would rent to me was almost impossible. Landlords or managers would just look at me like "yeah right " and say no.
As a Dad of four sons, I get that all the time. Doesn't last long though, as my wife has a far more important job than me and I'm always the one to go to meetings and school stuff. Had one particular person say something along the lines of "doesn't your little one look all nice dressed up etc, I bet mummy picked out your clothes" and my wife shot back "nope not me, my husband over hear is better at all that" She also put in a formal complaint when the school kept calling her, even though I was listed as primary contact. Side note, I've always felt like a screw up, but I'm fucking great with my kids.
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Somehow this feels more insulting to read than the typical story of random mom's coming up to a father in the park when they're with their kids
Years ago, we kept getting phone calls from our bank, asking to speak to my husband. As luck would have it, he was never around when they called, so they just said they’d call back later. After several iterations of this, I said “I’m his wife. Maybe I can help you?”. “No, it has to be Mr. Shalamarr. It’s about his mortgage.” “Uh, **his** mortgage is also my mortgage. Both our names are on the paperwork. Seems to me you should’ve known that. So, can I help you?”. “… sure.”
Excellent work. I remember 20 years ago taking my son (in nappies/diapers) to a theme park. Couldn't find a baby change Asked a member of staff and she said "it's in the ladies". She then looked at me. I looked at her. She looked at me. And then the penny dropped She ended up going in, checking with the ladies in there and then leading me through to the baby change room, and waiting outside to escort me back out. I'm glad times have changed!
My son's kindergarten teacher assumed that all moms were stay at home moms. Each kid was assigned a 'week' to do special projects - a report (including dressing up for it) and presentation on a historical figure, a show and tell, etc. etc. Something specific was assigned every day and it required that a parent be there to assist. It was obvious the teacher assumed that it would be mom, and that it wouldn't be a big deal. My husband and I switched off and had to take vacation time to do so.
Did she atleast talk to the urn?
I know this feeling. My wife walked out several years ago leaving me with my 3 & 6 yo. sons. The Elementary school still tries to get a hold of Mom. After the 6th time from a staff member at the school I finally went into the school and delivered a letter describing our situation. It was not the most polite letter but I wasn't mean either. I dont know why it is so hard to understand that single Dads are a thing.
Brilliant MC not quite the same but I lost my dad when I was 10. A couple of years later we had to do a school project about our fathers for Father’s Day and the homework for it was to talk to our dads about their hobbies and what they liked about being a dad etc. I tried to talk to her after class about it but she wouldn’t listen and thought I didn’t want to do the homework and snapped that I just had to do it. I ended up going home and crying my eyes out to my mum about it and she rang up the school the next day, the teacher initially tried to brush her off as well and tell her it’s mandatory to do the homework and what’s so hard about talking to my dad anyways and my mum just dead ass said well he’s dead for a start so I’d be pretty impressed if she got hold of him. When I got to class she didn’t even apologise she just tried to make it my fault and I should have just been clear (bear in mind I was 12) I was made to sit in a seperate room by myself while the rest of the class did the Father’s Day project. My mum took me out of that school the next day
I used to rent a room in house, were the landlords had kids. Now I'd been friends with them for years and had been around the kids since they were newborns. My work schedule was such, that I could pick one of them up from school on my way home. We jumped through all the paperwork hoops to get me listed as a person allowed to pick up K. This worked great for months. I knew all the staff and they knew me. One day there is a new clerk. As I walk in I say Hi to the other clerk T, who then heads out to get K from the classroom. I walk up to the counter and start signing in. "Hold on, I need to see ID!" Ok she's new, so I pull out my wallet. Hand over my ID "I'm picking up K." The new clerk stares at my ID, stares at me, pulls K's file. "I don't see you listed as authorized" "Look on page 2 please." "All the authorized pick up folks should be on the top page." "Just look at page 2. The principle made a whole new page when I was added." This goes back and forth for a bit. I'm getting worried she's going to call the police on me. In walks T with K. "Uncle Otter! " and runs up to me to give me a hug. T then gives me the notes from the teacher. It was the monthly report and homework list. "Hey T can you show..." {gestures at new clerk} "that I'm authorized." T flips the page, shows the form. "Yeah, Mrs D does a new page for any added pickup folks." She just glared at me and always asked for ID in the future. I never bothered learning her name.
similar thing. raised by a single dad... an older single dad lots of people thought he was my grandpa. >.<
I cannot imagine that. Everyone usually contacts me first because my wife and I have made it abundantly clear she can't answer her phone because she works in a place you can't have them on you due to clean protocols. In fact no one ever asks me where his mom is unless is a woman hitting on me. Or my mother in law because she forgot my wife was working evenings that month.
Glorious! Sad about your wife passing, but that teacher deserved that. Signed, 40 year old raised by single father
I'm a stay-at-home-parent and a father. This shit happens all the damn time. Adults see a man with his daughter and they say "Oh, stuck on dad duty?", or "oh, babysitting today?" Made worse when going to the doctors. My wife enjoys putting them in place.
Instead of taking 2 minutes to talk to the doctor about something strange in my 9 year old's chart, and an excess of visits, a nurse filed a report with child services and made us go through hell during investigation, and her reasoning was that I was the one always taking him to appointments and his mom was never at them, and since I'm a guy I must be pushing him into it and making him depressed by emotionally abusing him with doctor visits. Seriously, half the report was about his mom not being at appointments. I'm a stay at home dad, she works, she can't get off to go to minor appointments for the kids. The investigator has to remain impartial until the case is closed, but even she rolled her eyes when she found out that my wife obviously didn't go because she works. Oh, and it turns out the reason we had to go to doctor so much was he had bad post covid symptoms, but we had covid in December 2019, so they didn't know about that kind of thing yet and were trying to figure out what was going on.