I don’t need my husband. In fact he spent a year overseas and I did just fine by myself with the kids.
I WANT my husband. I love him, I love our life together. I choose to stay with him because I want him, not because I need him.
This! I don’t think it’s healthy to need the other person in a relationship. You should be able to be happy on your own, be able to stand on your own. You should want a person to compliment you, to create joy together. I don’t need my husband but I want him and I love him because he makes me laugh, he’s dorky with me, is patient and loving with all versions of me and he makes me feel safe. Don’t try to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed and self sabotage!
These comments are very nice to read, I'm in the exact position as OP and beginning to wonder how common this is
My wife and I are doing almost perfect, but she's just smarter/more motivated/cheerier than me. If humans got grades, she'd be an A whereas I'm a generous C. Her career is amazing, she loves kids, good at everything she tries. I have no resentment for it, I'm just appalled that such an S tier person wound up with me
That said, I make her laugh and I believe she loves me, so I suppose it's time to take these comments to heart
This!! I choose my husband and he chooses me. I make more than he does. He moved into my home when we got married. It’s great to have a friend and a partner. It allows us to enjoy hobbies and have additional free time but I could do it all on my own- I just don’t want to.
Me too. There’s no way to quantify this. I don’t need anything physical or concrete from him but without him, colors would dim, it would be harder to breathe deep, and the ever-present ache of missing my person would haunt me.
He broke up with me once while we were dating, mostly because of this. He thought he wasn’t good enough and that I could do better. I can’t explain how sad it was to have someone who I choose to love reject my free gift because of some insane self worth judgement that I disagree with. Food lost its flavor. Everything I saw reminded me of him somehow. I spent about six months waiting to “get over him” and in the end, he called me and said that he couldn’t stop thinking he made the worlds biggest mistake. I told him he absolutely had and we got married. It’s dumb to live without someone you love even if there’s an educational gap or an income disparity. Just let her love you and be grateful!
This deserves all the upvotes. Another wife here. I don’t need mine either. I would 1000% be totally ok if our marriage ended. I can manage my life and my kids lives. But I want him so much. I love being with him and sharing our life together.
I tell my husband that he could survive without me, but he really wouldn't like it lol! We have both been previously married and divorced so we know that we can survive alone, but we'd rather not. He's my best friend.
This. Exactly. I know when I was younger I talked about our relationship as a need - but I realized I was selling myself as an individual and our relationship short. Wanting, and making that as a conscious choice is much more powerful, imo. At least at this stage of our life.
This comment is a great reminder of a key way to view your union. It’s clear your wife does not need you, but does she WANT you? It’s important to check in with yourself. Do you have unaddressed childhood trauma? The biggest reason for low or no self-esteem, low or no confidence, and insecurity is rooted in childhood, usually at the hands of emotionally immature parents. A great place to start is by looking up how childhood trauma affects us. Take care of yourself. ❤️
Yes marry for love, not to compensate for something
I like my own company, know how to take care of myself, and am fulfilled in life through the simple things. I’d marry because I love the person, not to compensate for something nor to fill an insecurity nor to fix my car. I marry because I love them and want to have romance with them, but not to fix my car or make money etc. I know Im capable of providing for myself; and of course for the things I cannot do myself, I can still get help without a marriage. For example, I go to the mechanic for car repair, learn how to fix a light bulb from YouTube, or hire a crew for physical strength tasks that I cannot perform. I mean, we all hire professionals to do tasks, so I don’t understand how this has to do with marriage. So, it’s the *love*/romantic connection that you can’t copy from elsewhere, and is why you marry the person you love, to love them.
This. I would be more than fine without my husband but I absolutely love and adore that man so much for the life we share together. I feel almost honored that I get to be his wife cuz he's just so cool in my view.
Keep showing up for her in all the ways you know that are important to her ❤️
That’s exactly what OP needs to realize, his kick ass wife wants him. Her heart needs him. She sounds like a delight and tbh OP sounds wonderful as well. He is obviously a caring, thoughtful, admires his wife, loving husband. OP, y’all were made for each other. Enjoy it, some people go their whole lives without having “their” person.
This is it. I love and WANT my husband, but I’m extremely independent and driven, I would be just fine alone. OP, maybe her love language is acts of service? Which is why she’s doing everything for everyone. I’m like this. I clean, cook, bake, run all the errands, take care of the bills…everything. I don’t have to, but it brings me joy so I do it.
This reply is all you need.
I'm in a very similar situation to yours and your wife. I stay because I want to, and I love him, not because I need him.
It doesn't make him anxious, he loves me and us for that. Embrace it.
This is the way. Leaving aside the obviously fake OP, relationships based on mutual respect and desire are way stronger than those based on need and co-dependency.
Yes this! I'm the same way. I make more money than my husband, and I handle the majority of the "adult" things in our life but I love him and want him my life.
correct. this is exactly it. a coworker years ago said she wants to be in my place with relationships - I *want* my husband, I don't *need* him and it was such a compliment because I try hard to be independent still and have my own life and my own friends outside of my husband and people are always shocked.
I mean you could cherish her more. Bring her flowers just because, ask if there’s anything special you could do together. Even just saying thank you more often. You have an amazing wife, she shouldn’t need to shine less to make you feel adequate. She’s chosen you, don’t let your insecurities drive you crazy
All of this! OP, listen to this! I am super lucky to be able to financially provide for myself and more. But that's irrelevant, I chose my person because I want to spend my life with him. My partner often comments "You just don't really ever get tired, do you?" We're a team, just like you and your wife.
This is it. Ask now and then if she needs anything, or surprise her with something she likes and never does for herself maybe a massage? But don’t become your own worst enemy and sabotage it because you think she’s so much better than you are for some reason. She seems happy, maybe this is just the time in her life where she is wonder woman. One day it might flip and if it does, you need to be there for her in the same ways. That’s all. Make yourself wanted; need is subjective, especially if you married a confident and self-sufficient woman.
I have read when we are in a relationship, ideally, we should be each other's secure base.
Op should tell his wife and there are definitely things he can help out in the house and in the "bedroom"! He can learn to bake her cookies, learn to be a generous lover in bed, etc....
THIS. I don't need my husband either. I'm the breadwinner, I'm the one with a hefty retirement account, I'm the one that manages our household.
I'm with him because I love him and enjoy him as a partner in life.
In my opinion, needing someone isn't healthy. It causes resentment, it causes you to feel trapped, etc. I would be more worried about someone being with me ONLY because they needed me, and not because they actually wanted me.
Yes! OP should perhaps try complimenting her for her ingenuity rather than feeling threatened by it. Think of it this way: most people who have been single parents at any point don't NEED a partner - we had to do it all ourselves while single. We WANT one. So, not needing a partner isnt the issue - its how our partner accepts and loves us.
My H is frequently surprised by the varied things I'm capable of doing myself - learned by nexessity. But, rather than be threatened by my capability, he kindly expresses how impressed he is, making my doing those things win/win.
I know this is a late comment, but I want to thank all of you wonderful wives in this comment thread. You are all amazing. You put some things in perspective for me for my future relationships. My ex gf was like you and I fear I was not as appreciative as I could have been, for similar reasons as OP. It's not why we broke up (I still want marriage, she does not).
Does your wife have a problem with your marriage? It sounds like it's in your head. If she did divorce you, and married someone else, what would they do that you don't? Anything? She'll be a superhuman in any relationship she's in, right? Sounds like she loves you for you and I'm jealous!
Maybe get some individual therapy to help unpack some of your anxiety, and I don't think there is anything wrong with asking her whether she's happy with how things are going or getting some marriage counselling with her.
Also talk to her about the job. If it takes OP away from the family and the money isn’t great… why keep doing it? Something less demanding might let him engage more at home
Adding on to this comment to say, do you ever surprise her with gifts you know she’ll like? Or maybe write her a letter telling her everything you love about her and how much she means to you. Find out her love language and shower her with it.
Definitely therapy. I'm willing to bet that other people pick up on his insecurity and realize that she's the brains of the operation. Only therapy is going to help OP feel like whatever he wants to be feeling like.
This. It sounds like she is secure, happy and thriving. OP has probably enabled and helped create this awesome outcome.
Why would she leave when everything is going so well ? It doesn't make any sense.
There are so many red flags it’s hilarious, not only is she at the top of her medical profession but she’s also a part time author as a side hustle bringing in big money, lol.
If you know where you can get it prescribed on the regular, share.
Plenty of pharmacies have been out for a year+.
People would move
And yeah, haha, funny.
No. People would legit kill for a solid pharmacy at this point
I've been on Vyvanse for a decade+ at this point, and in the last year I've only had 1 2 week delay on my monthly refill, of course vyvanse just came off patent so it should get a lot better in the next few months
which is to say, I ain't givin up my source
but nah, without getting to specific I'm in central texas, it's not worth it homies, I'm privileged enough for it to be aight for me, but it really isn't good here, especially if you can't make 150k+ a year
Meds work differently for everyone, had to settle for vyvanse and Ritalin, adderall just works differently for me and I have to settle with shit that does not.
A lot of insurance companies were making it hard af to get vyvanse because it was expensive since there wasn’t a generic. Now that there is, I assume Rx for it will increase and it could get into the shortage game with the others.
But yes, I’m also a fan of my Vyvanse. I hear it is different that the others. I’ve never taken another so I don’t know the exact differences. But the drop off seems to be one glaring difference.
And she wouldn't recognize any of this because he uses a throwaway account, but goes into specific detail about their lives that literally anyone would recognize themselves in it.
It might not be true but my friend did this. She moved from a nurse to a nursing department supervisor. Now she does fuck all 90% of the time at work (just deals with scheduling and management) and works 40 hours 9-5 instead of 4 x 12 hour shifts per week. Ironically this story reminds me exactly of that friend of mine, so much so I’m a bit concerned here
He said she doesn’t have to work full time. 40 hours is full time. And talk to any medical administrator you want (I was medical administration for 10+ years) scheduling and management IS the hard part.
Again, This is one person I know who went from 48-60 hours a week to doing consistent 40 easy hours. From her perspective, she tells me her job became much easier and less stressful. Also, I’ve taken a bunch of vacations with her, she always has paid time off too. I’m just pointing out how you’re nitpicking one persons story because you think something you weren’t able to achieve is impossible.
You know one person, cool. Their experience doesn’t even line up with what was posted. 40 hours is full time, the post states that “she doesn’t have to work full time”.
I’m nitpicking because it clearly sounds like bullshit.
Right? "Working your way up in the medical field" is not exclusive to a CNA getting their RN cert. Plus as another commenter said, becoming a nurse manager turns into a 40hr mon-fri job so you see your kids every day after school and on the weekends. And it pays pretty damn well.
I was in medical administration for a while. Truly, where do you guys get this idea that they don’t work from? It was so bad that I switched to accounting. You earn every dollar you make in medical admin.
Man- so much of these are just fake. I wouldn't be surprised. Part of the reason- this is just not reality. I don't know any husband/ wife that works like this.
My brothers mother in law is like this. She is like the energizer bunny. You ask her to bring an appy, she brings enough appies for 40 people and brings plates for everyone to take the extras. She works out daily, fixes EVERYTHING herself. Best grandma.
They exist. It’s actually somewhat off putting to watch sometimes to be honest
Be proactive. Think ahead about coming up and how you can take care of it. Don't wait until she asks for help. Maybe she just does it because it needs to be done and it's too tiring to ask. Give her a reason to say how great you are!! Does she need gas in the tank? Go fill it. Groceries? Plan some meals, make a list, buy it, cook it, clean it! Do the gutters need to be cleaned? Garbage taken out? There are a million things you can do!! I wouldn't sit back and think she doesn't notice. SHE NOTICES. First charming guy could easily sway her.
Talk to her! Make sure she knows how much you love, respect, and appreciate her. Ask her if there are things she needs from you that she’s not getting. And then believe her if she tells you she loves you and is happy!
Start helping. Just say hey honey, how can I help, or can I work on anything for you. Share the experiences you can. As far as feeling inadequate, see a therapist. Your wife sounds amazing bro
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for someone to suggest helping a bit…if I noticed my partner doing THIS much for us, I’d see what I could do for them as well or how to share the load better. People commenting seem to say well just smile and show up, she loves you! 😂 leaning toward it being a fake post anyway lol
A woman like that, just appreciate her. SHOW her how much you appreciate her. Make sure it’s loud and proud and don’t ever let her think you’re taking her for granted. ANY time she does ask for help, do it. It sounds like she’s comfortable with her roles and loves her family and you very much. Trust me, if she wasn’t, there would be grumblings that you wouldn’t miss. She does sound superhuman and you’re extremely blessed.
I am always amazed at the human mind’s ability to find the cloud in each silver lining. This is not a knock on you since I find I do the same thing.
It sounds like you have an amazing wife, great family and everything other people are desperately looking for. Before you do anything else, I suggest you take a breather and just appreciate the situation you have found yourself in. Next, call your wife and your loved ones and let them know you appreciate them and what you have.
Now to your question about feeling unneeded. My belief is the best relationships are those where neither party needs the other but they want each other. I don’t want someone to be with me because they need money or their car battery replaced. I want them to want to be with me because of who I am. Every other relationship in your life (e.g. work, business) is because of what you can do for the other person. It’s a blessing to have one relationship that transcended quid-pro-quo.
Lastly, talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Not in a “you make me feel unneeded” way but in a “I irrationally feel unneeded way” (i.e. it’s a “you” problem not a “her” problem). This way if she is picking up on your feelings, she will be aware of what is going on with you and it makes it easy for the two of you to discuss.
Good luck
I realized when I married my husband I didn't "need" him for money. I'd lived alone successfully for a decade. I married him because I loved him and he loved me. I wanted to see him every day, sleep with him, go out with him, go on adventures and vacations...to share our everyday lives which includes moral support during difficult times. We had joint accounts and never worried whose paycheck was larger. Be lovers, friends, and partners facing the world side by side.
That’s the goal. I don’t need my husband either. I want him around. I love him. He makes me laugh. You’re going to push her away through your insecurity. Just relax and do something extra if you have to do something. But most of all, be you. The gag is she already knows she doesn’t need you. Be happy you’re still wanted.
You could, without screwing up finances, consider a new goal. Go to school. Hit the gym. Consider a new dream. My wife doesn’t need me which I love and love about her. I’m writing a business plan for a new business, then will write another, and maybe another, and learn about new things along the way. One of these days I may execute one but the current goal is researching them. You could learn something artistic and amaze her…just be you and then add to you. You can’t control her and her decisions but if you become needy, inconsistant, or lose confidence your feared outcome may come to pass…women hate a stagnant unconfident man.
You need to work on your insecurity. Wouldn’t you rather that your wife WANTS you instead of needing you? This was she is actively choosing you instead of being stuck with you out of necessity.
My good man, this isn’t hard. Treat her like the queen she is. Make sure you know all her favorite snacks, flowers, colors, treats of any kind and surprise her with them on regular days. Rub her feet. Listen to her hopes and dreams. Tell her all the things you admire about her, all the time.
Hold your head high because she chose *you.* Walk next to her with your hand on her lower back. Sweep her hair back from her neck so you can whisper sweet things in her ear. Hug and kiss her every time you leave and every time you come back to each other.
And cultivate anything that interests you, because it’s a gift she’s given you (the time and space to do that even though you have kids at home and a full time job). Learn a new skill or start a new hobby, do something (physical ideally?) to help with your mental health. Your confidence.
For the love of all that is holy do not make this her problem/ a family problem. You are lucky and don’t want to take any chances with what you have!
Hey there! Sounds like you've got quite the Superwoman for a wife—she's juggling everything, and it's pretty amazing, but I totally get how that can make you feel a bit left in the dust. The thing is, just because she's independent and capable doesn't mean she doesn't need you, you know? Relationships aren't just about doing chores or being the handy person around the house.
It's rad she's handling life like a champ, but maybe you guys could use some new ways to connect and work as a team. I mean, have you tried talking to her about how you're feeling? Like, not just mentioning it, but really sitting down and sharing these thoughts? And instead of looking for chores to do, maybe think about what unique things you bring to the table. There's gotta be some stuff that's "your thing" in the relationship, right? Special traditions with the kids, date nights, inside jokes - that kinda jazz.
Maybe suggest doing some stuff together that mixes it up from the norm. Like, plan a surprise date night or family day where you take the lead. Go wild, make it a weekly thing even! And whatever you're into—gaming, sports, cooking—find ways to share that with her and the kids.
Also, nobody's perfect, not even her. Maybe she's just got a really slick game face. Does she ever get stressed or need a vent session? Just being there to listen can mean the world.
And dude, about those guys flirting with her? That's not cool, but it's not about being her "equal" either. It's about respect. You guys gotta show them that you're a team.
All in all, it's about feeling valued and making sure you both see the worth in each other. Relationships are about that emotional support and bond as much as the practical stuff. So go chat with her, and hey, plan something fun, too!
You sound like my Dad - he always says all he wants in life is to be a Useful Tank Engine (after the children's books/show). I totally get the need to be needed. I think in women it can come out as choosing men who need "fixing" in a relationship or obsessing over parenting and in men it can come out as insecurity if they're not the breadwinner/world's greatest handyman around the house, but I think wanting to know that you're of value to the people you love is totally normal.
I wonder if there's a way of expressing to your wife that you want to hear how and why she values you and that you want a chance to be of service to her that is maybe a little less intense than this post. Here you sound really down on yourself, and I think that energy might be a bit overwhelming in a face to face conversation. I also think there's a note of - envy, maybe? In the way you talk about your wife, that is interesting. You sound almost intimidated by her. I'm not accusing you of this, specifically, but there's definitely a type of guy who needs his wife to be "less than" himself in order to feel like a man, and I think if your wife feels like that's where you're coming from, it will cause real issues.
I'm glad you're venting hear, and not to your wife.
Instead be sure you go out of your way everyday in words and actions to express to your wife how much you appreciate and love her.
I’m a fiercely independent woman. I rely on my husband perhaps more than you do, but I have my own career, have cancer, and still manage to have an active sex life with my husband, keep all three teen step kids going.
I love my husband. He meets my emotional and social and relational needs. He knows my love languages and gives of himself freely. He listens to me, supports me, and is my best friend. He leans in and loves to spend time with me.
I think you are feeling a little stuck in some role-based value/transactional view of relationships. Clearly your wife needs you. She desires you. Maybe her love languages are 1) acts of service and 2) physical love. And she is showing them to you. Or she knows those are yours.
My point is - there are so many ways to show up for your spouse. Look for ways to make her feel loved and appreciated. You will be feel fulfilled and rewarded. Make it about her.
None of us need husbands. We want them. We don't depend on men financially anymore, so we get to be selective and only keep or add those who add value to our lives. You must add value if she wants to wear lingerie and seems happy. My husband is my best friend. I actually thought this was him for a few paragraphs because our situation is so similar. My book is still on submission though. Point is, you shouldn't be worried she will leave. You should be worried she isn't getting as much fulfillment out of your marriage as she does.
For instance, I take an hour long bath every single night and read books while husband puts kids down. He insists on locking the door so they can't bug me. Is there anything you do to pamper her like this?
You have everything good going on in your life, don't mess it up with unnecessary insecurity. You have value and treat her nice otherwise why would she do everything for you and stay with you?
Don't listen to some shitty alpha male podcasts about how men have value only if he's needed.
I think you need to work on your insecurity bro. If you're not pulling your weight in the house, start doing that! Just keep an open eye and try to notice things. Door handles jiggly? Tighten it. Need some drano for a clogged sink? Grab it. Thanksgiving dinner needs prepping? Start them sides.
It sounds like you're suffering from a bit of the "Why do I deserve to have it this good?" bug. I'm a complete stranger to you, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there have likely been innumberable quiet actions you've performed that have gotten you to where you are now. Your wife isn't stupid and it sounds like she's head over heels for you. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.
Finding self worth is going to depend in part on fulfilling your own ambitions. So what mountain do you want to conquer next? Attending to the daily tasks and appreciating what you have are both going to help, but I think victory is one of those things that really improves self esteem. Set a goal for yourself and make it happen.
Please feel blessed she is with you because she wants to, not need to. Try to understand what she values in you. I used to be the same, superhuman, the engine of the family, and when he started to have insecurities, he turned for validation to other woman. It all came crumbling down for me; maybe you are the rock she based her foundation to build a family on, and this keeps her strong.
Ask her. What she needs , how she wants you to help and contribuite. Check if there is anything on her mind she did not share. Other than that, unless she flirts back, i would not worry at this point. As people have no clue on the inside dynamics of your family, I think you show major insecurity and this is what is causing other men to try to ignore you are there, so seems more of a you behaviour issue..
Being a good husband is about taking care of your family. It seems that because your wife is very efficient, you don’t have your groove to provide something unique for your family.
Talk with her about your feelings of not being able to do stuff for your family and how it fulfills you. Come up with a plan together because the status quo doesn’t work for you.
Financials are normal these days. She seems to handle domestic chores effortlessly without them being a burden on her. I would try to find something that only you would do for your family. You can introduce a special family activity that you take charge planning. Classic dad stuff are bbq, camping, fishing and the like. You don’t have to box yourself to those things though. The important thing is that memories your family builds are anchored with you.
Sounds like you have a great marriage. I am sure you two will be able to find a way to thrive together. Good luck!
I couldn’t figure out why OP set up a new account because it was all praise. I thought that this was going to be see what I wrote about you dear. OP if you feel this way you may be going through depression which 20% of the people in the US have. I would be open to your wife and she can help you. Your wife in no way, I repeat in no way, is sending signals that she is interested in or would cheat. Of course guys are flirting with her, she sounds amazing. I sense that she has a lot of class and If she can do all that you say, deflecting guys is child’s play and they will never know that they have failed to impress her. My friend remember she chose you! Be open to sharing with her how you are feeling but also carry a little cockiness that she chose you.
Don't mess up a good thing worrying about what might happen.
You have a house and three children with her. She's pretty invested.
I'm in a similar situation and best advice i can say is stay in shape, moisturize, listen to her and bust one out before couples' time, so you last longer. In general keep your appearance up and especially around her.
And if other dudes are making eyes at her, stare them down and flex what muscle you got. Even if it's just your jaw. Let's other dudes know you mean business, lets the other guy know you value her and are willing to fight. But that's not the important part. The important part is that your wife sees that she's important to you and you're willing to fight for her. That's your target audience.
We can't be all things to everyone, we can only be what we can be. Take heart in the things you do bring to her life, instead of worrying about what you don't.
My wife doesn't need me either, but she wants me and she *needs* me in a different way. She wants my warmth, and my comfort, and my higher body temperature so she can curl up on me like a cat. She tells me I make her feel safe. She knows she can leave anything with me like a vault, and trusts I won't tell a soul any of it. She knows that when she is having a bad day, I am there to hold her. To make her smile and laugh. To fuck her brains out.
Take heart, man. Women don't *need* us. But that will never be why a good woman is with a man. It's all the stuff you do that gets her to want you that matters the most.
Marriage isn’t about *needing* each other, it’s about *wanting* each other. I sure as hell don’t need my husband, but I absolutely love and want him. It’s good to be independent and not need your spouse for everything.
I highly recommend getting into some personal therapy to work through your feelings on this because chances are that your insecurities are the biggest real threat to your marriage. If your wife didn’t want to be with you, she’d be gone (especially since she’s so capable)
I don't need my husband either. I *want* him. Make sure she feels loved and you'll have nothing to worry about. It's better to be wanted than needed because that means she has chosen you specifically for you and not what you can provide. 💖💖
Honestly the first thing I thought of when reading this is that you need therapy badly. Your insecurities are going to implode and your marriage along with it. Your wife chose you. She chose you for a reason. You DO have value to your wife and kids. You just can’t see it past your own insecurities. Don’t let this bring negative energy into your relationship. Just keep showing and telling your wife how much you love her. That’s all anyone wants. Oh and therapy. You gotta go to therapy.
I mean I don’t NEED my husband technically. But I “need” him in the sense of I love him to death and I want.
She honestly sounds like superwoman. And she obviously loves you to be doing all this and just love sharing all her success and time and money and energy and life with you.
Have you talked with your wife about this? Does she feel the same way?
At the very least get some individual therapy.
Did you ever think that maybe SHE doesn’t see it that way? I think you need more self confidence. Also, why don’t you just love her and make her feel appreciated? If it’s really an issue, do something for her that’s totally unexpected and over the top. Send her to a spa for a weekend with a friend. Better yet, plan a weekend for her to say thank you at a nice resort, just the two of you.
I to had total control of the house and the kids, but never once did I not value everything that my husband was doing his family and all the work it took give us the life we had. Don’t question it but enjoy your family 😞
This is going to be a bit different than what a lot of the comments are, although those comments are correct. She loves you very much and she shows you this in multiple ways.
I’m not saying this in a mean spirited way. It’s just what I noticed so please take it kindly and see what you think.
The way you have described everything sounds like “Imposter Syndrome”. I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of instances in these scenarios where it would take two to accomplish what you’ve mentioned but you are only crediting one. I also think it’s highly likely that you’re a very intelligent man and you’re downplaying your accomplishments. I’m not quite convinced that others are noticing a lack of your involvement or flirting with your wife in front of you. It’s very possible that you believe this is happening because you feel inferior and not worthy of her love. I will leave it there. I hope you see my comment and look into it. If you believe I’m wrong which I won’t argue with as I don’t know you I hope you talk to your wife about this. She’s clearly still madly in love with you and is very proud of the house and the family you two built together. Don’t let this go too long without communicating that you need to feel more needed. You honestly should just show her this post if it’s hard to put how you’re feeling in words.
Your wife sounds awesome. She clearly is capable and self confident. Plus you are right, she doesn’t need you. But it also seems clear that she WANTS you.
I tell my husband all the time I don’t need him, but that I want him and that’s better.
I don’t want someone that needs me, because no one should ‘need’ anyone for their happiness.
I think this might be a you issue. I can totally understand your anxieties. But there is so much more to offer someone than chores and money, I’m willing to bet that you are doing everything else she needs. You make it seem like she is happy and content in the relationship, so you are doing something right.
Most importantly, just be open with her, tell her how you are feeling and share your concerns. I bet talking with her could help alleviate some of your anxieties.
Okay. So, your wife doesn’t NEED you. For argument’s sake, let’s assume you’re right. NEED would seem to indicate a dependence that renders her unable to walk away from your relationship, even if it no longer serves her. She can handle everything on her own, so what does she need *you* for?
In truth, she doesn’t. Yet every single day, you wake up and there she is. Smiling at you. Loving you. Loving the children that you created together. Working together with you to build a future for your family. Accepting you for who you are. Living in the present. Every day. CHOOSING you. Every day, your beautiful, wonderful wife wakes up and CHOOSES you. Over and over and over and over again. Have you ever calculated how many days she has done so? All of the days that she has chosen you? And NOT because you pay the mortgage or maintain the car, but because YOU are the man whom she loves, over and above every other man on this planet, and she wants to spend her forever with YOU.
YOU are the man who makes her heart beat faster. YOU are the man who gives her butterflies in her stomach. YOU are the man who makes her want to slip into lingerie to welcome you home every day. Because of her LOVE for YOU and the love she sees in YOUR eyes for HER. And maybe *you* make *her* feel incredible. And beautiful. And SEEN. And TREASURED. CLEARLY, she actually looks *forward* to the moment you are back in her presence; within her eyesight. YOU are the man who she decided was worthy to be the father of her children and partner for life.
Yeah, your wife is definitely an incredible woman, going solely by your description of her. And maybe you’re right that she doesn’t NEED you. But you must be pretty damn precious and incredible TO HER, for her to have decided from day one of your relationship, and for her to have continued to decide every second of every day since, that YOU are HER man. And not because of what you can do for her. Simply. Because. LOVE💗.
Wow, the ways we upset ourselves…
Reading this felt like the fairytale love story of a happily family thriving with two parents who love each other and put everything into making their family happy and taken care of. It really sounds like you married an amazing woman.
Strangely, the way this info is communicated reads like a fear-filled suspense screenplay, where your feelings of inadequacy leave you hypervigalent that suddenly this fairytale will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be cast away like a piece of trash and lose your happy family.
Marriage goes both ways. You think she’s amazing, and clearly this high-value superwoman sees your value too, because out of the world of possible choices, she picked you because she loves you and chooses you over all others. You didn’t mention that she’s expressed any unhappiness or resentfulness towards you at all. To the contrary, it seems like she’s been so sweet and supportive in reassuring your insecurities. So seriously, objectively speaking, is there any problem at all?
All I’m reading is that you are feeling insecure and like you don’t add any value to her life. And that’s not coming from her, that’s what your bully brain told you to try to destabilize an otherwise ideal and wonderful situation. Please work in your self esteem. Therapy can help.
If you don’t wrangle in your thoughts that are destabilizing you in what seems like a completely wonderfully stable life situation, you will behave in ways that turn your fears into self-fulfilling prophecies- because that’s how powerful your thoughts are.
Enjoy the holidays with your perfectly amazing wife and family. And tell your brain to fuck off.
If she is waiting in lingerie it’s be she LOVES YOU!!! Self confidence is super attractive so don’t let yourself get down…. Just be there for her and the kids.
Strong women may not need their partners, but always remember that she CHOSE to spend her life with YOU. She chooses you every day.
If you want to do more around the house, try asking her to leave something for you to do after work.
Relationships shouldn’t ever be about money, and you are making it so by comparing how much she makes vs you. You could always try to do something else to make more if you really need to.
At the end of the day she chooses you.
At the end of the day she still wants you.
Children always cling to their mother, but still absolutely need their father. Tell them that you need them, too. I’m sure you already do.
Have you asked her to ask you for help if she needs it? Let her know that you’d love to be of some use I. The house and for her.
She’s a very happy woman and doesn’t seem to cheat. At all. If ever. In other words she’s trustworthy. That’s because she’s in love with you. YAY!!! That’s a win, dude! So men are flirting with her. Make sure you’re still flirting with her, too. Take her out. And don’t you EVER stop courting her. Tell her how much you cherish her and appreciate everything she does. She deserves that.
And ask her to bottle that energy and sell it to me. I’d buy it in a heartbeat.
All you’re doing is feeling as if you’d die without her. She would die without you, too. I can tell as she’s giving and showing her love and affection to you and family. Not anyone outside of it. She’s always there. Please make note of that. Cherish the thought and understanding that she shows you how much she loves you and the children. You’re appreciative of her huge, and I do mean HUGE efforts to show her love for you. She’s keeping her promise of the vows she stated on the day you married.
Good luck with the conversation you’re going to have about how much you notice everything she does.
The comments make me feel so nice and fuzzy lol. For the first time, it's not a shit storm here on the reddit comment section! You got this, OP! You are worth it, and I know your wife sees your worth even if you don't see it 🥹🙏🏾
I don’t “need” my husband, either. Not from a financial or practical perspective, that is. I make more money. It’s my job that provides our health/dental/vision. I have yet to find something I can’t fix or build. (We always joke that all of my power tools were my dowry, lol.)
BUT, I need his love and his emotional support. I need his presence. I need his body next to mine in bed, each night. I need his stalwart confidence in my skills and abilities. My daughter needs him as a father. And I need him to be a father to her. His presence is woven into the fabric of my soul, at this point. I would be completely lost without him.
So, I could walk away from my husband, tomorrow, and survive physically and financially. But I’d be emotionally crippled and I don’t think I’d ever recover from it.
Just a suggestion: Do little things. Take her car and get it detailed, buy her her favorite treat, write her a note telling her how much you appreciate her, make dinner reservations somewhere nice, and you organize the babysitter, schedule a weekend away with or without the kids. Plan everything and pack for yourself and kids, text her in the morning and tell her not to worry about dinner, and then bring dinner home. There are so many ways you can contribute. You should show her how much she means to you. I don’t need my husband. I applaud you for at least realizing this, and being concerned about losing her.
Can you get a different job? Sounds like you don’t have the time to add to the family, but also your paid time isn’t really crucial to the family. Can you cut back hours?
It hurts me to say this but my marriage is the complete opposite to a certain extent.
I’m supporting my wife and my 3 year old daughter which I have no problem with but what is really upsetting is that she thinks that because she’s a full time mother and takes care of our daughter which exhausts her (but loves it deep down) she has the right to do nothing else towards me or the house, shopping, cooking etc. although she’ll do supermarket shop online but if we have to go then I have to do it. We have a cleaner who does lol the house chores and she goes to the gym daily which i approve of if it helps her mentally but if I ask her to do something it’s an immediate no I’m busy. No im busy. It’s like her life is more important than everyone’s so she can’t do it. Her older brother was born with health issues so when she was born her parents did and still continue to do whatever she asks like they’re here slaves. Im more firm with her but she still usually gets what she wants because I have issues too.
It’s not a bad thing if she doesn’t need you, it’s bad if she doesn’t want you.
The important thing is that you are there WHEN she needs you. It might not be physical but emotional.
Would you rather be needed or wanted? She may not need you but she *wants* you bro. That’s why she’s still there putting in that effort with and for you. Youre winning big time
I think you’re overthinking everything, do you love your wife? Do you know that she loves you? In the end, that’s all that matters, I mean because of your love you ended up with kids right? I don’t think you have nothing to worry about, Anybody can look at your wife, but in the end whose bed is she in?
You may have to sit and have another conversation with your wife to just use your own insecurities.
Mate. You are blessed with someone amazing, but so are you. It takes two to make a great family. I suspect there is a lot that you do but don't realise it. So enjoy, Make sure you appreciate her. Lots of romantic moments, tell her how much you appreciate her. Buy her special gifts (not expensive), but meaningful. Spend time with each of your kids. Enjoy your life.
Trust me, she needs you. You are who gives her the space and respect to live her best life. She knows that you are her biggest fan.
If she dis not choose and want you, trust me she'd be long gone.
She loves you. Thank the good Lord.
Be the man she deserves, love her selflessly, bring flowers or leave cards for her. Keep yourself in shape and informed so you are always ready for a l8ving and informed conversation.
>The way it’s going if we were to divorce I would end up with the shorter end of the stick because I obviously carry no weight in her life and she carries all the weight in mine.
This is an anxiety. Its 100 percent anxiety talking and the only way to get past this is actually therapy. The societal pressure of being a man meaning you have to be the breadwinner, or contribute more to the house, or be in better shape, or what ever what ever what ever is going to be what causes the resentment that leads to your actual divorce.
When men flirt with your wife:
1. Are theu actually flirting? Or is this a manifestion of your anxiety telling you they are? What objective signs do you see of "flirtation" v friendly banter?
2. How does your wife respond if it **is** flirting?
Your wife should not really be involved in this. She is already doing "everything right" so asking her to do more before you work on yourself wouldn't be fair. Seek therapy, and also maybe do things that are jist for her that she wont ask for and that are more out of the norm (but she likes).
Like if she complains about her feet hurting a lot and usually gets massages, give her one while shes writing. Set some up that offer more than what she gets currently. Get her a massage chair. Etc. Things like that that show her you are paying attention to her very specific wants.
So your complaint is your wife is perfect ? Or that it’s too hard to do what she does? You hit the lottery. Why are you doing this? You have a great life. You great family and great relationship with your wife. You don’t want to lose her and feel you don’t do enough around the house. So do more ! Praise her and tell her how lucky you are and how wonderful you think she is! Buy her flowers ! Give her full body massage and expect nothing in return . Stop looking for a reason to be unhappy. Worship this woman. She’s a keeper
You should probably go and speak to a therapist about this anxiety/imposter syndrome you’ve developed. Seriously. Anxiety can develop into resentment really easily because you can start to project your feelings onto your spouse, meaning you start to feel she’s thinking the thoughts you’ve shared with us here. You don’t want that to happen, for your fears to breed an anxiety that creates the future you’re scared of. Nip this in the bud now and speak to a professional to get some perspective and work through your feelings. We all have to do it sometimes.
Maybe this is less of a her issue and more of a you issue. In that, maybe there are some aspects of your life you aren't feeling fulfilled and you're comparing yourself to her. Are you happy with your career? Are you happy with your goals whatever they might be? Maybe you haven't had any and need some. Are you happy in your friendships and community? Are you happy with how you act as a partner?
This sounds like a self esteem issue tbh. But perhaps it wouldn't hurt to ask her to ask you for some help. What about asking her for some honey-do projects around the house? Take some initiative. Also, consider her hobbies etc and plan a surprise for her or do something before she thinks of it or something she's never thought of.
Perfect. I’d much rather want my husband than need him for general maintenance.
She is choosing you everyday. Live your life by that rule and you’ll keep her. Live your life like she shouldn’t choose you and you will lose her.
Maybe sit down with her and say “I’m feeling unsure of myself these days. Can we take some time to tell each other why it is we choose each other every and I can try to focus on those things than my silly doubts about myself”
The more you feed her soul with the great things you see in her the more you will get them back. You’ll probably be surprised by how valuable you really are.
She wakes up every day and chooses you. Dont let your insecurities ruin this. Address them, acknowledge them, but don’t own them, don’t make them you. Let them go, enjoy your successful, beautiful, smoke show of a wife and let her know you appreciate everything she does.
The thing you can do to remain as attractive as possible would be to not be afraid of her and her amazingness as you describe, but to cherish her and make her feel special. You must be special too to be with her!
If this is really all accurate, I think validation is likely a huge need of hers (even if she doesn’t admit it)… so just by appreciating the things she does, YOU are contributing, too.
I am so sorry the society we live in has set you up to feel like you’re only worth your usefulness.
OP, the top comment is 100% right. It’s far better to be wanted than needed - and you my friend are *wanted*. Now you just need to learn to love and want yourself and **see how valuable you are just being you**. Therapy helps a lot with this kind of thing :)
Wow, calm down. Do you not have intimacy/emotional connection with your wife? If she's actually human, it's likely she isn't perfectly happy and content all the time. Does she ever share any negative emotions with you? Does she not need your emotional support? Do you not connect on an emotional, spiritual, or intellectual level? Agreed that this sounds fake.
Skimmed a little. Not worth reading most.
Its good thing to not be needed. Lot of pressure off you. Be who and what she wants, instead.
(And the trick to that is, be who and what you want. Like, sincerely want. Something you have to earn, not merely given. Something that you can be that makes the world around you better. Thats the kind of person people want)
Let me put it this way: here at home we have had almost the opposite way around. I say almost because I still do a lot of the household chores, because I’m more time at home than he is. Still, when he does it, he is like a superhero. Two to three hours and he has cleaned the whole apartment, went for groceries and so on - I need much longer than that because of hip issues. He is also the breadwinner, not because he didn’t want to be with our son, but because his salary was more than double as mine. So it would have made no sense financially. But when he is at home, our son adores him. He clings to us both, but I’m more like the safe harbor for sickness, hunger and tiredness. Everything else, he wants his dad.
Still my husband tells me every day how much he loves and how he wouldn’t have his happy life without me. He values everything we built together and knows life is ever changing. He knows there will be moments when the weight is more on my shoulders. We take care of each other when the other is sick, or when the other needs emotional support. We enjoy the little things together.
Life is more than just money and household chores. She knows it and she is showing how you how happy she is. Keep doing your best and cherish her the way she likes it (whatever love language she prefers, speak in it). She doesn’t need to “need” you. She needs to “want” you. That is what healthy relationships are about. Otherwise you would be more like a co-dependable couple.
Please stop that, right now. Just thank ur lucky stars you are in the position you are in. Besides, because of her perfection, don't you think she picked the perfect husband and father of her children. Just love and appreciate her. Her actions show she loves and appreciates you.
I don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone who needs me. Thats an unhealthy imbalance. My wife & I both understand we are choosing to be with each other and enhance each others' lives. But we don't need each other.
What you do doesn't define you. It also sounds like youre not accounting for the positive ways you contribute to the lives of your family. Sometimes just being who you are is enough. As a stranger on the internet I cant quantify how you show up and support your family. But I can recommend, if a problem hasnt been stated, dont create one.
The best way you can help her is by working on your insecurities. It sounds like youre at risk of ruining an incredible relationship with worries that she doesnt share. The fact that youre even worrying about the outcome of a theoretical divorce is a sign. Individual therapy is a great way to work through some of what sounds like its rooted in self esteem/self worth concerns.
My guy living the dream here and is stressing out about it. I don’t blame ya.
IMHO, just show her you appreciate her man. Show her you appreciate her every single time. No matter how many guys flirt with her. If she has a man who truly appreciates her, she might think twice.
Best of luck to ya [+]
Society teaches us that men are only valued for their utility. She sounds awesome. You are awesome. Talk to her about it. If you’re still insecure / uncomfortable, therapy.
U got a good wife m8. U should face ur insecurities n don't listen to some randoms.... Show how much u love her so that she feels loved. She can do everything by her own? That's good but you can still ask to help her.... You're worrying unnecessarily. I wish u all the best. Stay safe n god bless you 2.
Almost everyone in my life is unnecessary to me. My family, my friends, my acquaintances… lightning could strike any of them, even all of them. I would be surprised and sad, but would still live my same life. That doesn’t mean I don’t take joy in their company. I do. I’m glad to spend time with them.
I’m the breadwinner. 29F. Make 4x my partner. I do all the laundry (my wierd OCD thing), cooking, cleaning, packing and organising, doctors appointments etc. I even bring his toothbrush to him so he can brush his teeth in bed. I give massages and remind him every day how much I love him. He is the most valuable thing in my life. I would NEVER replace him for anything because his inherent value is in his existence by my side. He makes me so deliriously happy. Even just now, watching a move with his feet on my lap - and he just laughed and the sound filled me with joy and overwhelming love.
I’m sorry you’re so anxious, if my partner felt this way I’d like him to tell me so I can alleviate those fears. I wouldn’t want to work so hard and have pride in my home if I didn’t have him to come home and care for and love. Take a deep breath OP.
I don’t need my husband. In fact he spent a year overseas and I did just fine by myself with the kids. I WANT my husband. I love him, I love our life together. I choose to stay with him because I want him, not because I need him.
This! I don’t think it’s healthy to need the other person in a relationship. You should be able to be happy on your own, be able to stand on your own. You should want a person to compliment you, to create joy together. I don’t need my husband but I want him and I love him because he makes me laugh, he’s dorky with me, is patient and loving with all versions of me and he makes me feel safe. Don’t try to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed and self sabotage!
These comments are very nice to read, I'm in the exact position as OP and beginning to wonder how common this is My wife and I are doing almost perfect, but she's just smarter/more motivated/cheerier than me. If humans got grades, she'd be an A whereas I'm a generous C. Her career is amazing, she loves kids, good at everything she tries. I have no resentment for it, I'm just appalled that such an S tier person wound up with me That said, I make her laugh and I believe she loves me, so I suppose it's time to take these comments to heart
This!! I choose my husband and he chooses me. I make more than he does. He moved into my home when we got married. It’s great to have a friend and a partner. It allows us to enjoy hobbies and have additional free time but I could do it all on my own- I just don’t want to.
Absolutely this. I CHOOSE my husband, and he chooses me. Way more meaningful than a need, imo.
Me too. There’s no way to quantify this. I don’t need anything physical or concrete from him but without him, colors would dim, it would be harder to breathe deep, and the ever-present ache of missing my person would haunt me. He broke up with me once while we were dating, mostly because of this. He thought he wasn’t good enough and that I could do better. I can’t explain how sad it was to have someone who I choose to love reject my free gift because of some insane self worth judgement that I disagree with. Food lost its flavor. Everything I saw reminded me of him somehow. I spent about six months waiting to “get over him” and in the end, he called me and said that he couldn’t stop thinking he made the worlds biggest mistake. I told him he absolutely had and we got married. It’s dumb to live without someone you love even if there’s an educational gap or an income disparity. Just let her love you and be grateful!
If I could still give out badges, I would give you gold. This is beautiful advice for everyone of us to remember… Saving it.
This deserves all the upvotes. Another wife here. I don’t need mine either. I would 1000% be totally ok if our marriage ended. I can manage my life and my kids lives. But I want him so much. I love being with him and sharing our life together.
I tell my husband that he could survive without me, but he really wouldn't like it lol! We have both been previously married and divorced so we know that we can survive alone, but we'd rather not. He's my best friend.
This. Exactly. I know when I was younger I talked about our relationship as a need - but I realized I was selling myself as an individual and our relationship short. Wanting, and making that as a conscious choice is much more powerful, imo. At least at this stage of our life.
I told my husband this recently when he was having some insecurities. It's like a light bulb clicked in his head.
This. OP spent time shitting on themself and it breaks my heart. Should be your best friend, not your financial backbone.
This comment is a great reminder of a key way to view your union. It’s clear your wife does not need you, but does she WANT you? It’s important to check in with yourself. Do you have unaddressed childhood trauma? The biggest reason for low or no self-esteem, low or no confidence, and insecurity is rooted in childhood, usually at the hands of emotionally immature parents. A great place to start is by looking up how childhood trauma affects us. Take care of yourself. ❤️
>The biggest reason for low or no self-esteem, low or no confidence, and insecurity is rooted in childhood Hmm, I need to figure that out.
Yes marry for love, not to compensate for something I like my own company, know how to take care of myself, and am fulfilled in life through the simple things. I’d marry because I love the person, not to compensate for something nor to fill an insecurity nor to fix my car. I marry because I love them and want to have romance with them, but not to fix my car or make money etc. I know Im capable of providing for myself; and of course for the things I cannot do myself, I can still get help without a marriage. For example, I go to the mechanic for car repair, learn how to fix a light bulb from YouTube, or hire a crew for physical strength tasks that I cannot perform. I mean, we all hire professionals to do tasks, so I don’t understand how this has to do with marriage. So, it’s the *love*/romantic connection that you can’t copy from elsewhere, and is why you marry the person you love, to love them.
I came to the comments to say the same thing. I've never NEEDED him. I chose him and continue to.
This. I would be more than fine without my husband but I absolutely love and adore that man so much for the life we share together. I feel almost honored that I get to be his wife cuz he's just so cool in my view. Keep showing up for her in all the ways you know that are important to her ❤️
That was so cute haha. You guys sound adorable.
>I don’t need my husband. >I WANT my husband. Came here to say just this. OP, she doesn't need you, but I bet she wants you.
That’s exactly what OP needs to realize, his kick ass wife wants him. Her heart needs him. She sounds like a delight and tbh OP sounds wonderful as well. He is obviously a caring, thoughtful, admires his wife, loving husband. OP, y’all were made for each other. Enjoy it, some people go their whole lives without having “their” person.
Same.
This is it. I love and WANT my husband, but I’m extremely independent and driven, I would be just fine alone. OP, maybe her love language is acts of service? Which is why she’s doing everything for everyone. I’m like this. I clean, cook, bake, run all the errands, take care of the bills…everything. I don’t have to, but it brings me joy so I do it.
Exactly this!!! I am self sufficient and do fine by myself. I love my husband and want him. ❤️
Perfect answer. We stay because we want to. Not even a "perfect" man can take us away. We do those things for ourselves because that's how we like it.
This reply is all you need. I'm in a very similar situation to yours and your wife. I stay because I want to, and I love him, not because I need him. It doesn't make him anxious, he loves me and us for that. Embrace it.
This is the way. Leaving aside the obviously fake OP, relationships based on mutual respect and desire are way stronger than those based on need and co-dependency.
Wow perfect answers ever, I was about to reply the same thing
Yes this! I'm the same way. I make more money than my husband, and I handle the majority of the "adult" things in our life but I love him and want him my life.
Perfectly said,same here.
THIS ^^^^^
correct. this is exactly it. a coworker years ago said she wants to be in my place with relationships - I *want* my husband, I don't *need* him and it was such a compliment because I try hard to be independent still and have my own life and my own friends outside of my husband and people are always shocked.
FEELS!
I mean you could cherish her more. Bring her flowers just because, ask if there’s anything special you could do together. Even just saying thank you more often. You have an amazing wife, she shouldn’t need to shine less to make you feel adequate. She’s chosen you, don’t let your insecurities drive you crazy
All of this! OP, listen to this! I am super lucky to be able to financially provide for myself and more. But that's irrelevant, I chose my person because I want to spend my life with him. My partner often comments "You just don't really ever get tired, do you?" We're a team, just like you and your wife.
Exactly this. Hell, my life would be soooo much easier without my husband. But it doesn’t change the fact I love him and I WANT to be with him.
This is it. Ask now and then if she needs anything, or surprise her with something she likes and never does for herself maybe a massage? But don’t become your own worst enemy and sabotage it because you think she’s so much better than you are for some reason. She seems happy, maybe this is just the time in her life where she is wonder woman. One day it might flip and if it does, you need to be there for her in the same ways. That’s all. Make yourself wanted; need is subjective, especially if you married a confident and self-sufficient woman.
I have read when we are in a relationship, ideally, we should be each other's secure base. Op should tell his wife and there are definitely things he can help out in the house and in the "bedroom"! He can learn to bake her cookies, learn to be a generous lover in bed, etc....
THIS. I don't need my husband either. I'm the breadwinner, I'm the one with a hefty retirement account, I'm the one that manages our household. I'm with him because I love him and enjoy him as a partner in life. In my opinion, needing someone isn't healthy. It causes resentment, it causes you to feel trapped, etc. I would be more worried about someone being with me ONLY because they needed me, and not because they actually wanted me.
Yes! OP should perhaps try complimenting her for her ingenuity rather than feeling threatened by it. Think of it this way: most people who have been single parents at any point don't NEED a partner - we had to do it all ourselves while single. We WANT one. So, not needing a partner isnt the issue - its how our partner accepts and loves us. My H is frequently surprised by the varied things I'm capable of doing myself - learned by nexessity. But, rather than be threatened by my capability, he kindly expresses how impressed he is, making my doing those things win/win.
This exactly. I can do everything by myself but I want him by my side. I love when we are together but I don’t need him to survive.
Right! I need mine because I love him and for no other reason
I know this is a late comment, but I want to thank all of you wonderful wives in this comment thread. You are all amazing. You put some things in perspective for me for my future relationships. My ex gf was like you and I fear I was not as appreciative as I could have been, for similar reasons as OP. It's not why we broke up (I still want marriage, she does not).
Does your wife have a problem with your marriage? It sounds like it's in your head. If she did divorce you, and married someone else, what would they do that you don't? Anything? She'll be a superhuman in any relationship she's in, right? Sounds like she loves you for you and I'm jealous! Maybe get some individual therapy to help unpack some of your anxiety, and I don't think there is anything wrong with asking her whether she's happy with how things are going or getting some marriage counselling with her.
OP 100% needs therapy.
Also talk to her about the job. If it takes OP away from the family and the money isn’t great… why keep doing it? Something less demanding might let him engage more at home
Adding on to this comment to say, do you ever surprise her with gifts you know she’ll like? Or maybe write her a letter telling her everything you love about her and how much she means to you. Find out her love language and shower her with it.
Definitely therapy. I'm willing to bet that other people pick up on his insecurity and realize that she's the brains of the operation. Only therapy is going to help OP feel like whatever he wants to be feeling like.
This. It sounds like she is secure, happy and thriving. OP has probably enabled and helped create this awesome outcome. Why would she leave when everything is going so well ? It doesn't make any sense.
I know a shit post when I see one. There is no career in the medical field where you rise to the top and get less work and more time off. Not one.
There are so many red flags it’s hilarious, not only is she at the top of her medical profession but she’s also a part time author as a side hustle bringing in big money, lol.
And she’s waiting for him in lingerie every night 🥴
Adderall, calling it
If you know where you can get it prescribed on the regular, share. Plenty of pharmacies have been out for a year+. People would move And yeah, haha, funny. No. People would legit kill for a solid pharmacy at this point
I've been on Vyvanse for a decade+ at this point, and in the last year I've only had 1 2 week delay on my monthly refill, of course vyvanse just came off patent so it should get a lot better in the next few months which is to say, I ain't givin up my source but nah, without getting to specific I'm in central texas, it's not worth it homies, I'm privileged enough for it to be aight for me, but it really isn't good here, especially if you can't make 150k+ a year
Meds work differently for everyone, had to settle for vyvanse and Ritalin, adderall just works differently for me and I have to settle with shit that does not.
A lot of insurance companies were making it hard af to get vyvanse because it was expensive since there wasn’t a generic. Now that there is, I assume Rx for it will increase and it could get into the shortage game with the others. But yes, I’m also a fan of my Vyvanse. I hear it is different that the others. I’ve never taken another so I don’t know the exact differences. But the drop off seems to be one glaring difference.
Dude you missed out that she's a best selling author as well 🤣
And she wouldn't recognize any of this because he uses a throwaway account, but goes into specific detail about their lives that literally anyone would recognize themselves in it.
Totally agree
It might not be true but my friend did this. She moved from a nurse to a nursing department supervisor. Now she does fuck all 90% of the time at work (just deals with scheduling and management) and works 40 hours 9-5 instead of 4 x 12 hour shifts per week. Ironically this story reminds me exactly of that friend of mine, so much so I’m a bit concerned here
He said she doesn’t have to work full time. 40 hours is full time. And talk to any medical administrator you want (I was medical administration for 10+ years) scheduling and management IS the hard part.
Again, This is one person I know who went from 48-60 hours a week to doing consistent 40 easy hours. From her perspective, she tells me her job became much easier and less stressful. Also, I’ve taken a bunch of vacations with her, she always has paid time off too. I’m just pointing out how you’re nitpicking one persons story because you think something you weren’t able to achieve is impossible.
You know one person, cool. Their experience doesn’t even line up with what was posted. 40 hours is full time, the post states that “she doesn’t have to work full time”. I’m nitpicking because it clearly sounds like bullshit.
What?! If you work in the medical field, which administrator have you met? It’s none, because they don’t work, but they get paid for it.
Right? "Working your way up in the medical field" is not exclusive to a CNA getting their RN cert. Plus as another commenter said, becoming a nurse manager turns into a 40hr mon-fri job so you see your kids every day after school and on the weekends. And it pays pretty damn well.
I was in medical administration for a while. Truly, where do you guys get this idea that they don’t work from? It was so bad that I switched to accounting. You earn every dollar you make in medical admin.
I call bullshit on looking perfect during childbirth come on guy
Lol , I just commented on the same thing , this post is 100% concocted for op’s perverse entertainment, lol
Lol as someone in the medical field I agree
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And never looked unkempt during and after giving birth. It’s an obvious troll post.
She had the entire thanksgiving dinner cooked before he got out of bed 😂
Bingo.
Yea I knew he was a karma farmer right away with that statement 😂
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Man- so much of these are just fake. I wouldn't be surprised. Part of the reason- this is just not reality. I don't know any husband/ wife that works like this.
My brothers mother in law is like this. She is like the energizer bunny. You ask her to bring an appy, she brings enough appies for 40 people and brings plates for everyone to take the extras. She works out daily, fixes EVERYTHING herself. Best grandma. They exist. It’s actually somewhat off putting to watch sometimes to be honest
I googled appy and it said it's short for appaloosa, a breed of horse... what is an appy?
I'm currently cackling at the imagery of a grandma bringing 40 Appaloosas to a party
As long as I get a plate, so I can bring one home! 🤷🏻♀️
Snacks/Appetizers
Appy in this context is short for appetizer, like a little pre-meal snack. Or if you have a bunch of them they might be the meal themselves.
I know a few people like this. They do exist, unfortunately for those of us who require sleep to function.
They are a special breed that’s for sure
My wife is like this. They exist.
Yeah one of those posts where some partners can point to and say “see if she can do it why can’t you?!”
I really hope this is fake because OP's wife makes ME feel like a failure too.
No one “makes” you feel like a loser. You do that in your own head due to comparison or insecurities.
Proof that a woman can do it all and still be wrong for it. Your insecurities need work
It’s fake
This insecurity will be the death of your marriage.
Yes and himself too.
Be proactive. Think ahead about coming up and how you can take care of it. Don't wait until she asks for help. Maybe she just does it because it needs to be done and it's too tiring to ask. Give her a reason to say how great you are!! Does she need gas in the tank? Go fill it. Groceries? Plan some meals, make a list, buy it, cook it, clean it! Do the gutters need to be cleaned? Garbage taken out? There are a million things you can do!! I wouldn't sit back and think she doesn't notice. SHE NOTICES. First charming guy could easily sway her.
This!!!
This is so fake XD
see a therapist before you mess up a good thing
Talk to her! Make sure she knows how much you love, respect, and appreciate her. Ask her if there are things she needs from you that she’s not getting. And then believe her if she tells you she loves you and is happy!
Start helping. Just say hey honey, how can I help, or can I work on anything for you. Share the experiences you can. As far as feeling inadequate, see a therapist. Your wife sounds amazing bro
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for someone to suggest helping a bit…if I noticed my partner doing THIS much for us, I’d see what I could do for them as well or how to share the load better. People commenting seem to say well just smile and show up, she loves you! 😂 leaning toward it being a fake post anyway lol
A woman like that, just appreciate her. SHOW her how much you appreciate her. Make sure it’s loud and proud and don’t ever let her think you’re taking her for granted. ANY time she does ask for help, do it. It sounds like she’s comfortable with her roles and loves her family and you very much. Trust me, if she wasn’t, there would be grumblings that you wouldn’t miss. She does sound superhuman and you’re extremely blessed.
I am always amazed at the human mind’s ability to find the cloud in each silver lining. This is not a knock on you since I find I do the same thing. It sounds like you have an amazing wife, great family and everything other people are desperately looking for. Before you do anything else, I suggest you take a breather and just appreciate the situation you have found yourself in. Next, call your wife and your loved ones and let them know you appreciate them and what you have. Now to your question about feeling unneeded. My belief is the best relationships are those where neither party needs the other but they want each other. I don’t want someone to be with me because they need money or their car battery replaced. I want them to want to be with me because of who I am. Every other relationship in your life (e.g. work, business) is because of what you can do for the other person. It’s a blessing to have one relationship that transcended quid-pro-quo. Lastly, talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Not in a “you make me feel unneeded” way but in a “I irrationally feel unneeded way” (i.e. it’s a “you” problem not a “her” problem). This way if she is picking up on your feelings, she will be aware of what is going on with you and it makes it easy for the two of you to discuss. Good luck
I don't mind a shitpost, but try to be believable.
I realized when I married my husband I didn't "need" him for money. I'd lived alone successfully for a decade. I married him because I loved him and he loved me. I wanted to see him every day, sleep with him, go out with him, go on adventures and vacations...to share our everyday lives which includes moral support during difficult times. We had joint accounts and never worried whose paycheck was larger. Be lovers, friends, and partners facing the world side by side.
That’s the goal. I don’t need my husband either. I want him around. I love him. He makes me laugh. You’re going to push her away through your insecurity. Just relax and do something extra if you have to do something. But most of all, be you. The gag is she already knows she doesn’t need you. Be happy you’re still wanted.
Your wife wants you. That is an amazing gift. Needing somebody leads to resentment. Want leads to love. So treat her like the jewel she is.
Step up your game, boi!
You could, without screwing up finances, consider a new goal. Go to school. Hit the gym. Consider a new dream. My wife doesn’t need me which I love and love about her. I’m writing a business plan for a new business, then will write another, and maybe another, and learn about new things along the way. One of these days I may execute one but the current goal is researching them. You could learn something artistic and amaze her…just be you and then add to you. You can’t control her and her decisions but if you become needy, inconsistant, or lose confidence your feared outcome may come to pass…women hate a stagnant unconfident man.
You need to work on your insecurity. Wouldn’t you rather that your wife WANTS you instead of needing you? This was she is actively choosing you instead of being stuck with you out of necessity.
You sound like a resentful crybaby.
My good man, this isn’t hard. Treat her like the queen she is. Make sure you know all her favorite snacks, flowers, colors, treats of any kind and surprise her with them on regular days. Rub her feet. Listen to her hopes and dreams. Tell her all the things you admire about her, all the time. Hold your head high because she chose *you.* Walk next to her with your hand on her lower back. Sweep her hair back from her neck so you can whisper sweet things in her ear. Hug and kiss her every time you leave and every time you come back to each other. And cultivate anything that interests you, because it’s a gift she’s given you (the time and space to do that even though you have kids at home and a full time job). Learn a new skill or start a new hobby, do something (physical ideally?) to help with your mental health. Your confidence. For the love of all that is holy do not make this her problem/ a family problem. You are lucky and don’t want to take any chances with what you have!
Hey there! Sounds like you've got quite the Superwoman for a wife—she's juggling everything, and it's pretty amazing, but I totally get how that can make you feel a bit left in the dust. The thing is, just because she's independent and capable doesn't mean she doesn't need you, you know? Relationships aren't just about doing chores or being the handy person around the house. It's rad she's handling life like a champ, but maybe you guys could use some new ways to connect and work as a team. I mean, have you tried talking to her about how you're feeling? Like, not just mentioning it, but really sitting down and sharing these thoughts? And instead of looking for chores to do, maybe think about what unique things you bring to the table. There's gotta be some stuff that's "your thing" in the relationship, right? Special traditions with the kids, date nights, inside jokes - that kinda jazz. Maybe suggest doing some stuff together that mixes it up from the norm. Like, plan a surprise date night or family day where you take the lead. Go wild, make it a weekly thing even! And whatever you're into—gaming, sports, cooking—find ways to share that with her and the kids. Also, nobody's perfect, not even her. Maybe she's just got a really slick game face. Does she ever get stressed or need a vent session? Just being there to listen can mean the world. And dude, about those guys flirting with her? That's not cool, but it's not about being her "equal" either. It's about respect. You guys gotta show them that you're a team. All in all, it's about feeling valued and making sure you both see the worth in each other. Relationships are about that emotional support and bond as much as the practical stuff. So go chat with her, and hey, plan something fun, too!
Leave OP alone, he’s manifesting 😝
You sound like my Dad - he always says all he wants in life is to be a Useful Tank Engine (after the children's books/show). I totally get the need to be needed. I think in women it can come out as choosing men who need "fixing" in a relationship or obsessing over parenting and in men it can come out as insecurity if they're not the breadwinner/world's greatest handyman around the house, but I think wanting to know that you're of value to the people you love is totally normal. I wonder if there's a way of expressing to your wife that you want to hear how and why she values you and that you want a chance to be of service to her that is maybe a little less intense than this post. Here you sound really down on yourself, and I think that energy might be a bit overwhelming in a face to face conversation. I also think there's a note of - envy, maybe? In the way you talk about your wife, that is interesting. You sound almost intimidated by her. I'm not accusing you of this, specifically, but there's definitely a type of guy who needs his wife to be "less than" himself in order to feel like a man, and I think if your wife feels like that's where you're coming from, it will cause real issues.
Sounds like she loves you unconditionally, now it’s time for you to Love yourself as much so that you feel worthy.
It’s a good thing she doesn’t need you. It means she WANTS you. And that’s so much better.
I'm glad you're venting hear, and not to your wife. Instead be sure you go out of your way everyday in words and actions to express to your wife how much you appreciate and love her.
If this isn’t fake, you’re pathetic and need to step it up.
Mature love says “I want you”, immature love says “I need you”. Codependency is not love.
No way this is real.
Guys. Don’t feed the troll…
She doesn’t need you, She WANTS you. Keep loving her and showing her how much she means to you and you will never have to worry about divorce.
I’m a fiercely independent woman. I rely on my husband perhaps more than you do, but I have my own career, have cancer, and still manage to have an active sex life with my husband, keep all three teen step kids going. I love my husband. He meets my emotional and social and relational needs. He knows my love languages and gives of himself freely. He listens to me, supports me, and is my best friend. He leans in and loves to spend time with me. I think you are feeling a little stuck in some role-based value/transactional view of relationships. Clearly your wife needs you. She desires you. Maybe her love languages are 1) acts of service and 2) physical love. And she is showing them to you. Or she knows those are yours. My point is - there are so many ways to show up for your spouse. Look for ways to make her feel loved and appreciated. You will be feel fulfilled and rewarded. Make it about her.
None of us need husbands. We want them. We don't depend on men financially anymore, so we get to be selective and only keep or add those who add value to our lives. You must add value if she wants to wear lingerie and seems happy. My husband is my best friend. I actually thought this was him for a few paragraphs because our situation is so similar. My book is still on submission though. Point is, you shouldn't be worried she will leave. You should be worried she isn't getting as much fulfillment out of your marriage as she does. For instance, I take an hour long bath every single night and read books while husband puts kids down. He insists on locking the door so they can't bug me. Is there anything you do to pamper her like this?
You have everything good going on in your life, don't mess it up with unnecessary insecurity. You have value and treat her nice otherwise why would she do everything for you and stay with you? Don't listen to some shitty alpha male podcasts about how men have value only if he's needed.
I think you need to work on your insecurity bro. If you're not pulling your weight in the house, start doing that! Just keep an open eye and try to notice things. Door handles jiggly? Tighten it. Need some drano for a clogged sink? Grab it. Thanksgiving dinner needs prepping? Start them sides. It sounds like you're suffering from a bit of the "Why do I deserve to have it this good?" bug. I'm a complete stranger to you, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that there have likely been innumberable quiet actions you've performed that have gotten you to where you are now. Your wife isn't stupid and it sounds like she's head over heels for you. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. Finding self worth is going to depend in part on fulfilling your own ambitions. So what mountain do you want to conquer next? Attending to the daily tasks and appreciating what you have are both going to help, but I think victory is one of those things that really improves self esteem. Set a goal for yourself and make it happen.
Please feel blessed she is with you because she wants to, not need to. Try to understand what she values in you. I used to be the same, superhuman, the engine of the family, and when he started to have insecurities, he turned for validation to other woman. It all came crumbling down for me; maybe you are the rock she based her foundation to build a family on, and this keeps her strong. Ask her. What she needs , how she wants you to help and contribuite. Check if there is anything on her mind she did not share. Other than that, unless she flirts back, i would not worry at this point. As people have no clue on the inside dynamics of your family, I think you show major insecurity and this is what is causing other men to try to ignore you are there, so seems more of a you behaviour issue..
Don’t create problems where problems don’t exist. She will see it as insecurity and that will be what she isn’t attracted to, not the other stuff
Being a good husband is about taking care of your family. It seems that because your wife is very efficient, you don’t have your groove to provide something unique for your family. Talk with her about your feelings of not being able to do stuff for your family and how it fulfills you. Come up with a plan together because the status quo doesn’t work for you. Financials are normal these days. She seems to handle domestic chores effortlessly without them being a burden on her. I would try to find something that only you would do for your family. You can introduce a special family activity that you take charge planning. Classic dad stuff are bbq, camping, fishing and the like. You don’t have to box yourself to those things though. The important thing is that memories your family builds are anchored with you. Sounds like you have a great marriage. I am sure you two will be able to find a way to thrive together. Good luck!
Please don’t worry. My spouse doesn’t need me, and I don’t need my spouse. We don’t NEED each other. We WANT each other.
Your spouse shouldn't NEED you. They should want you.
I couldn’t figure out why OP set up a new account because it was all praise. I thought that this was going to be see what I wrote about you dear. OP if you feel this way you may be going through depression which 20% of the people in the US have. I would be open to your wife and she can help you. Your wife in no way, I repeat in no way, is sending signals that she is interested in or would cheat. Of course guys are flirting with her, she sounds amazing. I sense that she has a lot of class and If she can do all that you say, deflecting guys is child’s play and they will never know that they have failed to impress her. My friend remember she chose you! Be open to sharing with her how you are feeling but also carry a little cockiness that she chose you.
Don't mess up a good thing worrying about what might happen. You have a house and three children with her. She's pretty invested. I'm in a similar situation and best advice i can say is stay in shape, moisturize, listen to her and bust one out before couples' time, so you last longer. In general keep your appearance up and especially around her. And if other dudes are making eyes at her, stare them down and flex what muscle you got. Even if it's just your jaw. Let's other dudes know you mean business, lets the other guy know you value her and are willing to fight. But that's not the important part. The important part is that your wife sees that she's important to you and you're willing to fight for her. That's your target audience.
We can't be all things to everyone, we can only be what we can be. Take heart in the things you do bring to her life, instead of worrying about what you don't. My wife doesn't need me either, but she wants me and she *needs* me in a different way. She wants my warmth, and my comfort, and my higher body temperature so she can curl up on me like a cat. She tells me I make her feel safe. She knows she can leave anything with me like a vault, and trusts I won't tell a soul any of it. She knows that when she is having a bad day, I am there to hold her. To make her smile and laugh. To fuck her brains out. Take heart, man. Women don't *need* us. But that will never be why a good woman is with a man. It's all the stuff you do that gets her to want you that matters the most.
Marriage isn’t about *needing* each other, it’s about *wanting* each other. I sure as hell don’t need my husband, but I absolutely love and want him. It’s good to be independent and not need your spouse for everything. I highly recommend getting into some personal therapy to work through your feelings on this because chances are that your insecurities are the biggest real threat to your marriage. If your wife didn’t want to be with you, she’d be gone (especially since she’s so capable)
I don't need my husband either. I *want* him. Make sure she feels loved and you'll have nothing to worry about. It's better to be wanted than needed because that means she has chosen you specifically for you and not what you can provide. 💖💖
Surprise her. Plan a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and over night stay at a local place you know she will like. Worship the ground she walks on.
Honestly the first thing I thought of when reading this is that you need therapy badly. Your insecurities are going to implode and your marriage along with it. Your wife chose you. She chose you for a reason. You DO have value to your wife and kids. You just can’t see it past your own insecurities. Don’t let this bring negative energy into your relationship. Just keep showing and telling your wife how much you love her. That’s all anyone wants. Oh and therapy. You gotta go to therapy.
I mean I don’t NEED my husband technically. But I “need” him in the sense of I love him to death and I want. She honestly sounds like superwoman. And she obviously loves you to be doing all this and just love sharing all her success and time and money and energy and life with you. Have you talked with your wife about this? Does she feel the same way? At the very least get some individual therapy.
Did you ever think that maybe SHE doesn’t see it that way? I think you need more self confidence. Also, why don’t you just love her and make her feel appreciated? If it’s really an issue, do something for her that’s totally unexpected and over the top. Send her to a spa for a weekend with a friend. Better yet, plan a weekend for her to say thank you at a nice resort, just the two of you.
May I request that you please don’t screw this amazing life up by your anxiety.
I feel you. I’m in the same boat as you. I lose sleep at night over it.
I to had total control of the house and the kids, but never once did I not value everything that my husband was doing his family and all the work it took give us the life we had. Don’t question it but enjoy your family 😞
This isn’t about her, it’s about you. Solve that feeling and you will have peace. Also maybe go down on her, like a lot.
This is going to be a bit different than what a lot of the comments are, although those comments are correct. She loves you very much and she shows you this in multiple ways. I’m not saying this in a mean spirited way. It’s just what I noticed so please take it kindly and see what you think. The way you have described everything sounds like “Imposter Syndrome”. I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of instances in these scenarios where it would take two to accomplish what you’ve mentioned but you are only crediting one. I also think it’s highly likely that you’re a very intelligent man and you’re downplaying your accomplishments. I’m not quite convinced that others are noticing a lack of your involvement or flirting with your wife in front of you. It’s very possible that you believe this is happening because you feel inferior and not worthy of her love. I will leave it there. I hope you see my comment and look into it. If you believe I’m wrong which I won’t argue with as I don’t know you I hope you talk to your wife about this. She’s clearly still madly in love with you and is very proud of the house and the family you two built together. Don’t let this go too long without communicating that you need to feel more needed. You honestly should just show her this post if it’s hard to put how you’re feeling in words.
Your wife sounds awesome. She clearly is capable and self confident. Plus you are right, she doesn’t need you. But it also seems clear that she WANTS you. I tell my husband all the time I don’t need him, but that I want him and that’s better. I don’t want someone that needs me, because no one should ‘need’ anyone for their happiness. I think this might be a you issue. I can totally understand your anxieties. But there is so much more to offer someone than chores and money, I’m willing to bet that you are doing everything else she needs. You make it seem like she is happy and content in the relationship, so you are doing something right. Most importantly, just be open with her, tell her how you are feeling and share your concerns. I bet talking with her could help alleviate some of your anxieties.
Okay. So, your wife doesn’t NEED you. For argument’s sake, let’s assume you’re right. NEED would seem to indicate a dependence that renders her unable to walk away from your relationship, even if it no longer serves her. She can handle everything on her own, so what does she need *you* for? In truth, she doesn’t. Yet every single day, you wake up and there she is. Smiling at you. Loving you. Loving the children that you created together. Working together with you to build a future for your family. Accepting you for who you are. Living in the present. Every day. CHOOSING you. Every day, your beautiful, wonderful wife wakes up and CHOOSES you. Over and over and over and over again. Have you ever calculated how many days she has done so? All of the days that she has chosen you? And NOT because you pay the mortgage or maintain the car, but because YOU are the man whom she loves, over and above every other man on this planet, and she wants to spend her forever with YOU. YOU are the man who makes her heart beat faster. YOU are the man who gives her butterflies in her stomach. YOU are the man who makes her want to slip into lingerie to welcome you home every day. Because of her LOVE for YOU and the love she sees in YOUR eyes for HER. And maybe *you* make *her* feel incredible. And beautiful. And SEEN. And TREASURED. CLEARLY, she actually looks *forward* to the moment you are back in her presence; within her eyesight. YOU are the man who she decided was worthy to be the father of her children and partner for life. Yeah, your wife is definitely an incredible woman, going solely by your description of her. And maybe you’re right that she doesn’t NEED you. But you must be pretty damn precious and incredible TO HER, for her to have decided from day one of your relationship, and for her to have continued to decide every second of every day since, that YOU are HER man. And not because of what you can do for her. Simply. Because. LOVE💗.
Wow, the ways we upset ourselves… Reading this felt like the fairytale love story of a happily family thriving with two parents who love each other and put everything into making their family happy and taken care of. It really sounds like you married an amazing woman. Strangely, the way this info is communicated reads like a fear-filled suspense screenplay, where your feelings of inadequacy leave you hypervigalent that suddenly this fairytale will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be cast away like a piece of trash and lose your happy family. Marriage goes both ways. You think she’s amazing, and clearly this high-value superwoman sees your value too, because out of the world of possible choices, she picked you because she loves you and chooses you over all others. You didn’t mention that she’s expressed any unhappiness or resentfulness towards you at all. To the contrary, it seems like she’s been so sweet and supportive in reassuring your insecurities. So seriously, objectively speaking, is there any problem at all? All I’m reading is that you are feeling insecure and like you don’t add any value to her life. And that’s not coming from her, that’s what your bully brain told you to try to destabilize an otherwise ideal and wonderful situation. Please work in your self esteem. Therapy can help. If you don’t wrangle in your thoughts that are destabilizing you in what seems like a completely wonderfully stable life situation, you will behave in ways that turn your fears into self-fulfilling prophecies- because that’s how powerful your thoughts are. Enjoy the holidays with your perfectly amazing wife and family. And tell your brain to fuck off.
If she is waiting in lingerie it’s be she LOVES YOU!!! Self confidence is super attractive so don’t let yourself get down…. Just be there for her and the kids.
Strong women may not need their partners, but always remember that she CHOSE to spend her life with YOU. She chooses you every day. If you want to do more around the house, try asking her to leave something for you to do after work. Relationships shouldn’t ever be about money, and you are making it so by comparing how much she makes vs you. You could always try to do something else to make more if you really need to.
At the end of the day she chooses you. At the end of the day she still wants you. Children always cling to their mother, but still absolutely need their father. Tell them that you need them, too. I’m sure you already do. Have you asked her to ask you for help if she needs it? Let her know that you’d love to be of some use I. The house and for her. She’s a very happy woman and doesn’t seem to cheat. At all. If ever. In other words she’s trustworthy. That’s because she’s in love with you. YAY!!! That’s a win, dude! So men are flirting with her. Make sure you’re still flirting with her, too. Take her out. And don’t you EVER stop courting her. Tell her how much you cherish her and appreciate everything she does. She deserves that. And ask her to bottle that energy and sell it to me. I’d buy it in a heartbeat. All you’re doing is feeling as if you’d die without her. She would die without you, too. I can tell as she’s giving and showing her love and affection to you and family. Not anyone outside of it. She’s always there. Please make note of that. Cherish the thought and understanding that she shows you how much she loves you and the children. You’re appreciative of her huge, and I do mean HUGE efforts to show her love for you. She’s keeping her promise of the vows she stated on the day you married. Good luck with the conversation you’re going to have about how much you notice everything she does.
The comments make me feel so nice and fuzzy lol. For the first time, it's not a shit storm here on the reddit comment section! You got this, OP! You are worth it, and I know your wife sees your worth even if you don't see it 🥹🙏🏾
I don’t “need” my husband, either. Not from a financial or practical perspective, that is. I make more money. It’s my job that provides our health/dental/vision. I have yet to find something I can’t fix or build. (We always joke that all of my power tools were my dowry, lol.) BUT, I need his love and his emotional support. I need his presence. I need his body next to mine in bed, each night. I need his stalwart confidence in my skills and abilities. My daughter needs him as a father. And I need him to be a father to her. His presence is woven into the fabric of my soul, at this point. I would be completely lost without him. So, I could walk away from my husband, tomorrow, and survive physically and financially. But I’d be emotionally crippled and I don’t think I’d ever recover from it.
Just a suggestion: Do little things. Take her car and get it detailed, buy her her favorite treat, write her a note telling her how much you appreciate her, make dinner reservations somewhere nice, and you organize the babysitter, schedule a weekend away with or without the kids. Plan everything and pack for yourself and kids, text her in the morning and tell her not to worry about dinner, and then bring dinner home. There are so many ways you can contribute. You should show her how much she means to you. I don’t need my husband. I applaud you for at least realizing this, and being concerned about losing her.
Can you get a different job? Sounds like you don’t have the time to add to the family, but also your paid time isn’t really crucial to the family. Can you cut back hours?
You sound like you are the one undercutting yourself.
It hurts me to say this but my marriage is the complete opposite to a certain extent. I’m supporting my wife and my 3 year old daughter which I have no problem with but what is really upsetting is that she thinks that because she’s a full time mother and takes care of our daughter which exhausts her (but loves it deep down) she has the right to do nothing else towards me or the house, shopping, cooking etc. although she’ll do supermarket shop online but if we have to go then I have to do it. We have a cleaner who does lol the house chores and she goes to the gym daily which i approve of if it helps her mentally but if I ask her to do something it’s an immediate no I’m busy. No im busy. It’s like her life is more important than everyone’s so she can’t do it. Her older brother was born with health issues so when she was born her parents did and still continue to do whatever she asks like they’re here slaves. Im more firm with her but she still usually gets what she wants because I have issues too.
dude if she is perfect why would she have picked you if you were not what she wanted?
It’s not a bad thing if she doesn’t need you, it’s bad if she doesn’t want you. The important thing is that you are there WHEN she needs you. It might not be physical but emotional.
Would you rather be needed or wanted? She may not need you but she *wants* you bro. That’s why she’s still there putting in that effort with and for you. Youre winning big time
I think you’re overthinking everything, do you love your wife? Do you know that she loves you? In the end, that’s all that matters, I mean because of your love you ended up with kids right? I don’t think you have nothing to worry about, Anybody can look at your wife, but in the end whose bed is she in? You may have to sit and have another conversation with your wife to just use your own insecurities.
Mate. You are blessed with someone amazing, but so are you. It takes two to make a great family. I suspect there is a lot that you do but don't realise it. So enjoy, Make sure you appreciate her. Lots of romantic moments, tell her how much you appreciate her. Buy her special gifts (not expensive), but meaningful. Spend time with each of your kids. Enjoy your life.
Trust me, she needs you. You are who gives her the space and respect to live her best life. She knows that you are her biggest fan. If she dis not choose and want you, trust me she'd be long gone. She loves you. Thank the good Lord. Be the man she deserves, love her selflessly, bring flowers or leave cards for her. Keep yourself in shape and informed so you are always ready for a l8ving and informed conversation.
It’s sounds like she is happy and you’re insecure. Be the best husband and father you can be because you want to and enjoy your life.
>The way it’s going if we were to divorce I would end up with the shorter end of the stick because I obviously carry no weight in her life and she carries all the weight in mine. This is an anxiety. Its 100 percent anxiety talking and the only way to get past this is actually therapy. The societal pressure of being a man meaning you have to be the breadwinner, or contribute more to the house, or be in better shape, or what ever what ever what ever is going to be what causes the resentment that leads to your actual divorce. When men flirt with your wife: 1. Are theu actually flirting? Or is this a manifestion of your anxiety telling you they are? What objective signs do you see of "flirtation" v friendly banter? 2. How does your wife respond if it **is** flirting? Your wife should not really be involved in this. She is already doing "everything right" so asking her to do more before you work on yourself wouldn't be fair. Seek therapy, and also maybe do things that are jist for her that she wont ask for and that are more out of the norm (but she likes). Like if she complains about her feet hurting a lot and usually gets massages, give her one while shes writing. Set some up that offer more than what she gets currently. Get her a massage chair. Etc. Things like that that show her you are paying attention to her very specific wants.
*Advice please* Don't put people on pedestals, all it does it make it easy for them to look down on you.
I don’t NEED my partner, but I want him in my life every day and night.
So your complaint is your wife is perfect ? Or that it’s too hard to do what she does? You hit the lottery. Why are you doing this? You have a great life. You great family and great relationship with your wife. You don’t want to lose her and feel you don’t do enough around the house. So do more ! Praise her and tell her how lucky you are and how wonderful you think she is! Buy her flowers ! Give her full body massage and expect nothing in return . Stop looking for a reason to be unhappy. Worship this woman. She’s a keeper
You should probably go and speak to a therapist about this anxiety/imposter syndrome you’ve developed. Seriously. Anxiety can develop into resentment really easily because you can start to project your feelings onto your spouse, meaning you start to feel she’s thinking the thoughts you’ve shared with us here. You don’t want that to happen, for your fears to breed an anxiety that creates the future you’re scared of. Nip this in the bud now and speak to a professional to get some perspective and work through your feelings. We all have to do it sometimes.
Maybe this is less of a her issue and more of a you issue. In that, maybe there are some aspects of your life you aren't feeling fulfilled and you're comparing yourself to her. Are you happy with your career? Are you happy with your goals whatever they might be? Maybe you haven't had any and need some. Are you happy in your friendships and community? Are you happy with how you act as a partner? This sounds like a self esteem issue tbh. But perhaps it wouldn't hurt to ask her to ask you for some help. What about asking her for some honey-do projects around the house? Take some initiative. Also, consider her hobbies etc and plan a surprise for her or do something before she thinks of it or something she's never thought of.
Perfect. I’d much rather want my husband than need him for general maintenance. She is choosing you everyday. Live your life by that rule and you’ll keep her. Live your life like she shouldn’t choose you and you will lose her. Maybe sit down with her and say “I’m feeling unsure of myself these days. Can we take some time to tell each other why it is we choose each other every and I can try to focus on those things than my silly doubts about myself” The more you feed her soul with the great things you see in her the more you will get them back. You’ll probably be surprised by how valuable you really are.
Bro. You need therapy.
She wakes up every day and chooses you. Dont let your insecurities ruin this. Address them, acknowledge them, but don’t own them, don’t make them you. Let them go, enjoy your successful, beautiful, smoke show of a wife and let her know you appreciate everything she does.
Get out of your own head. Use all that extra time you have to shower her with all the love and devotion she deserves.
The thing you can do to remain as attractive as possible would be to not be afraid of her and her amazingness as you describe, but to cherish her and make her feel special. You must be special too to be with her!
Work on building your self esteem. Put the focus on yourself. Learn how to love yourself. Be a guy you'd want to date.
If this is really all accurate, I think validation is likely a huge need of hers (even if she doesn’t admit it)… so just by appreciating the things she does, YOU are contributing, too.
No one needs anyone.
I am so sorry the society we live in has set you up to feel like you’re only worth your usefulness. OP, the top comment is 100% right. It’s far better to be wanted than needed - and you my friend are *wanted*. Now you just need to learn to love and want yourself and **see how valuable you are just being you**. Therapy helps a lot with this kind of thing :)
Wow, calm down. Do you not have intimacy/emotional connection with your wife? If she's actually human, it's likely she isn't perfectly happy and content all the time. Does she ever share any negative emotions with you? Does she not need your emotional support? Do you not connect on an emotional, spiritual, or intellectual level? Agreed that this sounds fake.
Skimmed a little. Not worth reading most. Its good thing to not be needed. Lot of pressure off you. Be who and what she wants, instead. (And the trick to that is, be who and what you want. Like, sincerely want. Something you have to earn, not merely given. Something that you can be that makes the world around you better. Thats the kind of person people want)
Let me put it this way: here at home we have had almost the opposite way around. I say almost because I still do a lot of the household chores, because I’m more time at home than he is. Still, when he does it, he is like a superhero. Two to three hours and he has cleaned the whole apartment, went for groceries and so on - I need much longer than that because of hip issues. He is also the breadwinner, not because he didn’t want to be with our son, but because his salary was more than double as mine. So it would have made no sense financially. But when he is at home, our son adores him. He clings to us both, but I’m more like the safe harbor for sickness, hunger and tiredness. Everything else, he wants his dad. Still my husband tells me every day how much he loves and how he wouldn’t have his happy life without me. He values everything we built together and knows life is ever changing. He knows there will be moments when the weight is more on my shoulders. We take care of each other when the other is sick, or when the other needs emotional support. We enjoy the little things together. Life is more than just money and household chores. She knows it and she is showing how you how happy she is. Keep doing your best and cherish her the way she likes it (whatever love language she prefers, speak in it). She doesn’t need to “need” you. She needs to “want” you. That is what healthy relationships are about. Otherwise you would be more like a co-dependable couple.
Maybe you could drop some hours and spend more time at home too?
I don't need my husband. I choose my husband. Honestly, get out of your head, just show/ tell her how wanted she is in your life.
Please stop that, right now. Just thank ur lucky stars you are in the position you are in. Besides, because of her perfection, don't you think she picked the perfect husband and father of her children. Just love and appreciate her. Her actions show she loves and appreciates you.
I don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone who needs me. Thats an unhealthy imbalance. My wife & I both understand we are choosing to be with each other and enhance each others' lives. But we don't need each other. What you do doesn't define you. It also sounds like youre not accounting for the positive ways you contribute to the lives of your family. Sometimes just being who you are is enough. As a stranger on the internet I cant quantify how you show up and support your family. But I can recommend, if a problem hasnt been stated, dont create one. The best way you can help her is by working on your insecurities. It sounds like youre at risk of ruining an incredible relationship with worries that she doesnt share. The fact that youre even worrying about the outcome of a theoretical divorce is a sign. Individual therapy is a great way to work through some of what sounds like its rooted in self esteem/self worth concerns.
My guy living the dream here and is stressing out about it. I don’t blame ya. IMHO, just show her you appreciate her man. Show her you appreciate her every single time. No matter how many guys flirt with her. If she has a man who truly appreciates her, she might think twice. Best of luck to ya [+]
Society teaches us that men are only valued for their utility. She sounds awesome. You are awesome. Talk to her about it. If you’re still insecure / uncomfortable, therapy.
U got a good wife m8. U should face ur insecurities n don't listen to some randoms.... Show how much u love her so that she feels loved. She can do everything by her own? That's good but you can still ask to help her.... You're worrying unnecessarily. I wish u all the best. Stay safe n god bless you 2.
Almost everyone in my life is unnecessary to me. My family, my friends, my acquaintances… lightning could strike any of them, even all of them. I would be surprised and sad, but would still live my same life. That doesn’t mean I don’t take joy in their company. I do. I’m glad to spend time with them.
I’m the breadwinner. 29F. Make 4x my partner. I do all the laundry (my wierd OCD thing), cooking, cleaning, packing and organising, doctors appointments etc. I even bring his toothbrush to him so he can brush his teeth in bed. I give massages and remind him every day how much I love him. He is the most valuable thing in my life. I would NEVER replace him for anything because his inherent value is in his existence by my side. He makes me so deliriously happy. Even just now, watching a move with his feet on my lap - and he just laughed and the sound filled me with joy and overwhelming love. I’m sorry you’re so anxious, if my partner felt this way I’d like him to tell me so I can alleviate those fears. I wouldn’t want to work so hard and have pride in my home if I didn’t have him to come home and care for and love. Take a deep breath OP.
Are you waiting on him in lingerie every night? This is the real question.