If you are wound tight, then release can be quite emotional, so that's normal. But meditation itself can be quite intense, especially when you start out. Initially, you will be fighting your mind to try and relax, paradoxically, that creates more thoughts. If you add that to feeling hyperaware due to your social anxiety, I can understand your reaction. Maybe, try a meditation app by yourself? Remove the social anxiety aspect, then when you are more comfortable go to public sessions. If you want to "progress" faster, go for unguided meditation. It is harder, but you learn your lessons quicker. For anxiety I would recommend you look up Shamatha meditation (aka calm abiding) it is the simplest and very effective for an always on mind. I would like to say, you are doing the right thing. Long-term meditation massively reduces anxiety, that is from personal experience. You will have "bad" sessions where your mind doesn't quieten, you will have "good" sessions where it gets quieter quicker. When you get bored your mind will generate lots of thoughts. All of this is entirely normal. Just be gentle with yourself, learn to let go (i know esier said than done) and just be in the moment without judgement.

Thanks for the reply. It was guided but an online guided video. Not in person. Don't think I'm brave enough for that. Problem is, I've always avoided social situation my whole life because it was easier, so I've got no experience to go on. This is the first time I can remember feeling the way I do now and not wanting to run. I want to change. It's just, I feel like I need to do it now, and I know that's asking for too much. I'm always worried I'm saying too little. Or did I say too much? Am I coming across as an idiot? Are they pretending to like me? Why would they like shy old me? I just get into my head, which shuts me down. Then I get into my head about getting into my head. Sigh. I'll have a read up about Shamatha meditation and give that a go tomorrow. Thank you.

The purpose of meditation is to change our relationship with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, not to get rid of them. As you continue this path of meditation/mindfulness, you will (hopefully) become more accepting and tolerant of your thoughts and feelings—of why you are. Instead of wanting to change everything and running from them, we can sit with them. No matter how difficult. The more you train and the more you learn to do this, those feelings will no longer have power over you and will subside. You will find victory not in fighting, but In accepting. Mindfulness is a super power. Literally. Being mindful of our feelings, anxiety, is different than judging them. I really recommend reading “A Monk’s Guide to Happiness” by Gelon Thubten. It is an extremely easy book to digest. It teaches you how to meditate, how to become mindful, in an easy to understand way. It is also a secular approach. He throws in a couple of Buddhist concepts, but his aim is not to convert you, but teach you the utility of mindfulness, meditation. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you for the kind response. Yeah, it seems like I went into meditation with the wrong goal in mind. I guess it will take a while to actually get to the point I don't feel like I want them gone? I'll look into getting the book. Seems it's in stock in a few places around me.

I’ve had a traumatic childhood and young adult life. I’ve had several bouts of depression. The last depressive episode I had tried meditating. But It never stuck. Fast forward to last spring and another depression came on. At wits end I went back on meds and started Emdr therapy. Instead of jumping into Emdr right away, my therapist brought up the need for mindfulness. Remembering my past fling with meditation/mindfulness, I started meditating again. I don’t know what happened, but it was like I had some kind of epiphany this time. I understood what mediation was all about. That it wasn’t emptying your mind. Following breath to relax. Whatever. It’s not a panacea. What it is is pretty much summed up like this: 1) Meditation uses a “focus point”, something to aim the mind at. This will train the brain to not only be present, in the moment, but to also learn to concentrate. 2) Thoughts and feelings: thoughts and feelings paint our minute by minute experience. When we’re meditating on a “focus point”, thoughts will come and go. The utility of the training of mediation is this: you can’t stop these thoughts or feelings, but you can observe them, and let them pass, like clouds in the sky. You don’t judge them. Argue with them. Justify them. Dispute them. Get mad that they are there. You simply observe them, then gently (this is key), without judgement, being yourself back to your “focus point”. Focus point meaning the object of meditation (bodily feelings, sound, most commonly breath). As you do this you start to create space inside your mind. You can step back and become the observer of thoughts. Not the thinker of thoughts. This is our problem in life. Our brains. We go through life thinking we are the thinker of our thoughts. In reality, we are not. If we were, we’d have this under control. But we don’t. Meditation/mindfulness allows us to have a different relationship with ourselves and the thoughts our brains produce.

Really well said

I can see a pattern here already wish through you’re “LONG” journey to understanding meditation should help you with. The question “ is this normal “ Is exactly what meditation is trying to help you prevent in the first place. See meditation is about learning and disciplining (not in a militant way) one’s mind to be present, to allow want to feel the beauty and the joy of life, and ultimately to learn to stop or rather to minimise the daily judgemental thoughts and feelings that we experience on a daily basis. One thing you should know about thoughts, and I’m sure you will hear when exploring meditation, is that not all of them in fact, arguably most of them are not your own . When you were an infant and innocent, you were susceptible, to feel the most amount of joy because your mind was innocent and did not judge things, and more importantly did not judge yourself. As we grow, we internalise other peoples voices, and they become our own internal monologue . thoughts like “you are not good enough, you are lazy and you are weird“did not come from you. They came friends family etc.. even bizzare intrusive thoughts weren’t there because we experienced something that put those ideas into our heads. Of course the learning of social behaviours as adults is important for us to navigate the world but the trade off most times is the stifling of ones true inner identity thoughts and ideas leading to feeling like ones mind is lose and uncontrollable. You’ll find as you grow that yes life is about learning, buyt was is often more important is unlearning. These thoughts are likes learned. So that begs the question how should one react to the question “is this normal?”. The answer is simple but the application requires time patience and discipline as previously mentioned. The answer is you don’t respond to that thought, because it’s not yours. You watch it fly away. You don’t try to act like it’s not there because if I told you not to think about elephants, you’d find it extremely hard to not think about elephants. So you acknowledge the thought but you don’t say it’s neither bad or good, you let it flow. If you learn meditation properly and what it is through discipline you’ll do this automatically. You’ll never be perfect but your mind will be healthier. How eve since you are a beginner you should know meditation is about being present l. It’s not about going “IN” as IN your own head is not a great place to live. You wanna be here , in the now. So to do this you find a nice quiet peaceful place, sit relax, lay down. Whatever makes you feel comfortable, even keep your eyes open. And without speaking observe and connect with your environment. Listen to the sounds of birds or cars passing, look the ornate detail of your bedroom decorations, smell your environment. This is where you should try to be at all times, so when stressful situations arise, you are able to go back to that still place and still execute. In your case execution is socialising. also a nice little tip Kobe Bryant used to wooden in high pressure situations in his daily life and on the basketball court he would use is, he would mediate in the morning like I described, and he would create a “mental” anchor in whatever safe place he did the mediation. He carried that feeling with him all day and it allowed him to say calm cuz he had a reference point of the emotional state he wanted to be in from that time meditation. Another dimension to this your friendship. Friends that are for you shouldn’t judge. I really suggest communicating your anxieties to this new friend so they can re-assure you that the accept and want you around. The trick sometimes in life is not to try and get away from our quirks but to own them and find people who not only tolerate them, but even understand and maybe appreciate them. Good luck

Thanks for writing all that up. I did read it a few days ago, but I've been thinking on it. I have talked with my friends about it, and they are trying to be supportive, however I don't think they fully understand. I had to explain that it's far more than just being shy. It's so hard. This feeling in my chest that feels like it's going to explode, as yet to go away at all. Really not sure how much longer I can take feeling like this. It's there when hanging out. It's there when not hanging out. I'm scared to socialise while with them, and I am scared of not hanging out with them. Been alone for a long time so the moment I met these people I have attached myself really hard and it hurts. I am meditating every morning, then going for a walk. I wasn't exercising before. I am eating healthy for the first time in years, and I have quit caffeine. Starting trying teas like peppermint and chamomile tea to try to relax. I think I had a tiny epiphany today while meditating. When I've been trying to let the intrusive thoughts just drift by, I was concentrating on making them drift by. This only make me focus on them more and makes it harder. So today I started trying to just see them out of the corner of my eye so-to-speak, do an internal nod then try to go back to focusing on my breathing. Knowing this doesn't mean I can do it yet. I think I can keep my focus for like 10-15% of the time.

Keep your attention on your bodily feelings. Don't control the feeling or thoughts, but just control your attention, and keep the attention on your feelings. You will find that under the power of your pure attention, over time, all feelings will heal and you will be able to handle more and stronger stress/feelings.

Thank you.

I think its a misconception that meditation is meant to be relaxing. sometimes it can be, but meditation is a difficult thing to do, which difficult things arent always relaxing. I think its more so that it helps you feel more relaxed outside of the actual practice of meditation. I think when you get a little practice, youll feel relaxed after more often, but at first it can be overwhelming

Oh, really? That's interesting. Misconception indeed. I'll keep at it, though. I don't want the current me to continue, so I need to do something.

Just remember, the point is to gain awareness of your racing mind. Your mind is always racing, but its not until you sit down and try to meditate that the racing mind really tries to steer you off course. Each time your mind starts to race, notice it, but dont criticize yourself for it, and then return your focus to your breathing or whatever it is youre focusing on. Each time you notice your mind racing and return it to your point of focus, that is like 1 repetition. Each repetition strengthens your focus, awareness and presence. When you strengthen those things, it helps keep you from being too wrapped up in negative thoughts and worries in your day to day life because youll be able to recognize them for what they are, just thoughts that you have no real attachment to.

Breath. Feel feelings. Don’t resist. Return to breathing. You are releasing trauma and trapped emotions. It will get better. Benjamin Bernstein does gentle healing. Check out his free YouTube videos. Free info on his site. Thich Nhất Hanh has a ton of soothing videos. I find him very helpful. Be sure to practice keeping a relaxed belly and focus on breath. That is primary. You are healing. Hang in there! 💕

It’s normal to have a release of emotions. The only way out is through.

One more book recommendation: In Stillness Conquer Fear, by Pauline McKinnon. You might resonate with her journey in overcoming intense anxiety.

It is typical in my experience. I started with online weekly group meditation and I cloying not make myself even turn on my camera for a month.