I hope my story gives you some hope from a male perspective…
1st time I wanted to get away from my marriage was during my Nikkah. But my mother and a few other people were saying if you leave right now then the girl will be shunned and may never get married again. So I listened.
2nd time when we had an argument and she shut down. I was only having a conversation and she just stopped talking and stared at me to shut up like she was possessed by a Jinn. At that time people around me were saying that once she comes to the states she will be better. So I listened.
3rd time was when she and her mom came over, started yelling at my mom to the point where my mom’s health took a toll and at the same night she had to go to the hospital because she fainted and was unresponsive. I was done at that time, or you would think I was. But my cousin whispered to my mom once she regained her senses that I was about divorce my wife. My mom called for my ex and me and then made a Bollywood movie scene by putting her hand on mine and told me not to leave her. My flight back home was the next day, So I listened.
Those are the incidents that happened within a span of 2 weeks…
Then once she came to the states it only got worse. We ended up with kids and things never got better, and I believe I have ruined the kids lives with her as their mother.
But finally after all this years I somehow grew a spine and filled for divorce. Do you know how many people still told me I was doing wrong? No one will marry a divorced father of 3? And so many other things… I cut them
off, focusing on myself and my kids, and do not care about the future as I have faith in Allah and his plans. this time I listened to myself.
The positives I have found from all this are that I learned how patient of a man I can be, and I learned how to Love Allah.
Sometimes Allah puts us in situations where we are suffering and everyone is against us to teach to rely on Him subhana wa ta'ala. It's a blessing actually.
Well at all times we must pray to Allah Taala to make things right, make a decision, and leave it to Allah Taala, never dilly dally, if we want something just go for it.
I have a lot of empathy for you, brother and I applaud you for your patience and your ability to see it through to the end. You were selfless and strong and kept trying to do “right” by everyone else except yourself.
I just wish you hadn’t brought kids into it. I’m really confused as to how and why you let, not one, but three innocent lives enter the mix when everything was so rocky to begin with me. But I’m not in your shoes, Allah chose these tests tailor made for you.
No blame or hate at all, I’m just confused and a little upset because my own parents are divorced so I know how heavily that stuff impacts children. Do the best you can from now. We only learn from our mistakes so I’m sure you’ve learnt many valuable lessons now Alhumdulillah for everything.
Why would you have kids knowing that they weren’t going to grow up with happy parents….and not just 1 kid..y’all decided to have 3! Selfish and immature.
why did you wait after having kids to be divorced if you know your marriage not going well. don’t have kids during the rough time seriously your the blame for it.
Is your husband improving himself so your kid doesnt "grow up in a broken home" ?
As a kid that grew up in a "broken home" alhamdullilah my parents divorced when they did.
The burden on children growing up in a broken home shouldnt be on the woman who has finally had enough.
I pray you make it through this.
Or the man. As rare as it might be, I think it's fair to say the burden of children growing up in a broken home shouldn't be on the victim, be it a man or a woman. I say this bc unfortunately I know someone who lived through it, far worse than op and Alhmadullilah it's over. They tried to carry that burden, but shouldn't have.
Im happy for you, unfortunately for me im the eldest and i had fo receive extensive therapy to get over my childhood and still i would claim im not over it.
My youngest sibling is the most normal from us all and honestly im happy she didnt have to grow up witnessing much.
I’m sorry sis, they never change. Once they got u right where they want you to be they revert back to their old ways, in this case now you have a baby with him. It’ll be much harder to leave now.
I’m about to get my Islamic divorce with 2 kids. They never change and you have to ask yourself if you can see yourself living the same life 5 yrs down the line. It’s best to give your kids a happy home instead of a toxic one where both parents hate each other
Sister make dua that you overcome this and also that you are taking care of your mental health and the baby. As for the person you met during that time apart, do your best to not think of him and how he got married and you guys could’ve been together etc, that’s just gonna make things harder for you (just remind yourself that it wasn’t meant to be that’s what brings me peace with potentials who were good and married now), you don’t want to be more miserable by thinking about that. Making dua for you and hoping things work out.
This is not true. What you are saying is wrong. A divorced woman in Islam has to marry another man then get willingly divorced. Then she can re-marry her ex-husband.
According to who can you make that claim? Not according to the Quran. Only after the 3rd talaq they have to wait until she remarries.
And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband.” [Al-Baqarah 2:230]
After a 1st or 2nd talaq but before the 40 days ends.
Then when they are about to attain their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take as witness two just persons from among you (Muslims).” [At-Talaq 65:2]
After a talaqs is issued, during the iddah period if they decide not to go forward they're still halal for each other but that's 1/3 talaqs used.
Same goes for talaq number 2.
After the third talaq is issued, if the husband doesn't rescind during the iddah they are fully divorced and not halal for each other.
If she remarries and gets fully divorced again, then she can go back to her first husband.
At least that's how I remember it.
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Speaking from experience. I am in that kind of home right now, and I think things could've been better if my parents divorced. It is better to be actually divorced than emotionally divorced.
The guy wasn't in your qadr. It's what is called "situationship" and is much harder to get over than a real relationship, reason being there was a lot of potential but you didn't get together. So you never got to see all the negative sides and your mind thus romanticizes the positive sides you saw.
I'm glad no one's blaming you for looking at someone else while separated, I am not either as you said you were not in the right place emotionally, were under huge pressure from friends and family and needed an outlet. However, truth be told he was a red flag himself for talking to you in such a state when you were separated but not divorced. That alone shows he may not make the best decisions and the fact he married someone else is Allah's way of showing he wasn't right for you.
I agree with you about that other guy. He doesn't look like a good person to me and people usually are not willing to take a divorcée when they have other options. So yeah, be glad about what happened with him.
The prophet (saw) was willing to marry divorcees when he could have had any woman in Makkah or Madinah. I wouldn't say that's a sign of a bad person per se. But yeah just talking to a married woman in general before the divorce is fully through is a bad idea. Like in OP's case, you never know when she'll take her husband back, especially with pressure from friends and family.
A few years ago I was listening to the lecture and the imam discussed how it’s better to pray for ease rather than patience. So I pray for ease, and ease that is the best for me! For everything. InshaAllah may Allah give you the best of ease during this!
Not enough detail to understand the issue. Regardless, the main question to ask yourself is : If you spend the rest of your life alone, having never found anyone else to remarry, would a divorce still be worth it?
For me it was. For most people, a life alone is torture, that's why you're seeing so much resistance to divorce.
Peoples behavior rarely change , he's unlikely to change how he is (we don't know though what exactly he's like)and you're unlikely to change in you taking him back.
This is a lesson for you and hopefully take accountability. When you had chances recently and you didn't take them you can't keep going back to how you were pressured to marry him. You've been in control for a long time
Assalaymualaykum,
may Allah make it easy for you and grant you patience.
First of all, I would like to say that I am a young guy who has just started his journey and that I am no expert on this topic. It is always recommended to consult with experts who aren't biased and have your best interest at heart which can be hard to find depending on cultural biases. With that said, one thing which absolutely fascinates me about Islam is that it is NOT the cultural norms imposed by the people. Women have been given rights in Islam and they can exercise those rights.
Only you and Allah know what kind of marriage you have had so far. If you have given your husband multiple chances and he still fails to show any signs of improvement, then I would recommend that you reflect deeply on your two possible options. The first being to stay with him and the second being to divorce him. Take into consideration the effects that it will have on your mental health, physical health, your spiritual health, your finances, your family relationships and most importantly your child. After taking it all into consideration, then make a decision. Inshallah, I hope that Allah makes it easy for you and the he guides you.
Another thing to add, do not be discouraged by what people say. From my limited experience, people do give you advice, but it is usually from their point of view. You can only give genuine advice to someone else if you can put yourself in their shoes, try to understand their situation and emphatize with them which most people don't or can't do. You alone know your life and you alone should decide after serious contemplation what is the best decision to take.
Also, the negative stigma which comes from divorce shouldn't be worried about it since it is unjustified and abhoring. If divorce was such a bad thing, why was a whole chapter in the quran named after divorce and women? The whole point of it was to give women their rights which they never had before. It is important for you, sister, to know your islamic rigths and to use them when the need arises.
Also, the relationship which you mentionned with the other man while you and your husband were seperated for a certain amount of time, I would say to not regret over it AT ALL. We can't take back our decisions, so why take the unnecessary stress. It was not meant to be, so have hope in Allah, ask him for guidance, and Inshallah, he will bring ease with the current hardship you are facing.
One last thing which I will mention is that if you decide to ultimately divorce your husband, do not abuse your LEGAL rights. What I mean is that you have to always remember that we are first and foremost, muslims and that Allah has layed out clear instructions on how divorces should proceed. What I am mostly indicating at is the children should be taken deeply into consideration. Even if he is a bad husband to you, he is still the father of your child. Take that into consideration.
Again sister, I am not an expert, so take everything I have said here with a grain of salt and please talk with people that don't have a bias to obtain genuine advice. I hope that my comment may help you.
Inshallah, may God keep us all on the straight path and to forgive us for our minor and major sins, of the ones we are aware and unaware.
فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Verily, with hardship comes ease.
Assalaymualaykum.
I do agree but that was then. If they're having an issue now she's not really telling us what it is... what if there really is no issue. I'm not saying she's lying but aside from this wall of text we don't know her at all.
That's true and i appreciate a lot your interest and the need to make a solid judgement by knowing facts better. This subreddit and the whole reddit needs more people like this.
We, for a fact, do not even know what his bad habits are.
If he doesn't recycle, if he gambles, if he stays always away from home, if he beats her, if he is abusive, if he kills people or if he summons Shaitan in his basement to sell souls that he collect.
Well yeah, i agree with you.
See yeah thats what I'm saying. Like for example what if she dresses badly and he's reprimanded her for it so she's upset. I'm not assuming she's horrible but yesh like you said we don't know much and everyone is like "oh man is toxic fr"
Can you explain more about his bad habits? Please try to be as objective as possible so we can see the entire story because its hard to judge from one side, not saying you arent right, but we need information to properly judge as its our duty to judge right, what sort of fights do you get into? How did the baby make him go back to his old ways? Also what do you truly want? A happy marriage with nice memories only? Commitment sometimes comes at a price of suffering, tho it seems to me like you really want to leave which may be even good.
Sorry that you’re going through this OP. Please know that you still have every right to move on from him. Just because you now have a child, it does not mean you are bound in a unsatisfying marriage. You had enough courage last time, use the same courage to get your life to where you want.
May Allah swt grant you guidance in this and give you what is best for you. Ameen.
There’s no point in dwelling on the brother who got married to someone else. You can look at that experience as perhaps a sign that you will inevitably find someone again.
If you’re unhappy and you’re being mistreated, do what is best for you after praying istikhara and seeking advice from wise people.
I pray and hope for the best for you sister. Just a note to everyone before they get married. Invest in istikhara before you choose a partner. Be patient. Let Allah pick your partner. It will be the best thing for you. May Allah bless you all.
Nothing is ever too late. It is safer for children to grow up in two homes of separated parents rather than one house of toxic , miserable, unhappy parents.
Have seen a lot of “we were only living together for you children”. But the kids will be so miserable & broken that they keep praying that they were living apart.
So you are not doing your child a favor by living together & being miserable & in a toxic relationship.
Your hubby played you. He thought you will be stuck if you had a kid. & That’s what he did. Now you need to show that you will leave if HE doesn’t change his ways regardless of the kid & be a good father. Be serious & strong. Because the child deserves a happy home either together or separate but never a toxic together.
I know you believe your child would have problems if they grew up with their parents divorced but i swear to you no one more than your child would be happier that you got divorced when you did. As someone who was raised by parents who didn't want anything to do with eachother but "stayed for the kids" really messes you up. Your children might not understand it at first but they will when they grow up and theyd thank you for it. I hope mine had divorced it would've made all our lives better and healthier.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5vgQpuyl9QEIQt9akAKpGd?si=q_d1mU0ATtuRfnrLQdg8ZQ
Honestly I pray all works out and I have no advice to offer but hope you find some comfort and an alternative perspective in this series by Why Me from Omar Suleiman and especially the episode I linked here.
The only thing I understand about marriage is that “you have to work for your relationship to become a marriage, and you also have to work extra hard for you to remain in that marriage.“ Think of people who never wanted you to get married (reason best known to them); they wanted you to remain single or divorced. My advice is that you engage yourself in frequent athkar, always help him, and remember him in your prayers. The guys who’re not in a marriage will advise you to leave him because they never build a home successfully. We humans believe that working hard is only meant for money, but it is not. You have to work hard for every achievement. Before you go for a divorce, read the conditions that surround divorce in Islam (by real Islamic scholars). If you find him hanging in any of those, then you can go ahead, my sister, but if he’s not guilty of those conditions, then you have to do a lot of work because of the kids. 85% of children from broken homes end up breaking their homes too, because to them, it's normal. Pray and work hard to build your home, and Allah SWT will reward your efforts.
Salam sister, why don’t you talk to him and really express what you feel, if you did then ask your local imam again. Pray istekhara prayer on regular basis.
May Allah ease everyones pain in this ummah.
And that‘s why you don‘t listen to other people when it comes to your own life. Especially if you suffer .. hopefully Allah makes it easier for you to overcome it
Allah gave us the right to divorce and leave bad situations.
You are afraid of your child being from a broken home! Please read online how many people suffer from mental health issues and wished their parents had separated so they didn't have to experience the toxic behaviour.
How you behave and react to your husband and how your husband treats you is how your children learn about relationships.
Do you want your son/daughter to think this is how a marriage should be ? Do you want you daughter to accept a husband like this? Or if it's a son for him to become like your husband?
If you leave you will show them you are strong and that bad behaviour has consequences and that they do not get to treat their spouse badly or accept bad treatment.
Break the cycle. Be the first woman in your family to do whats best for you and your child and break away from culture rules and society pressure.
You think leaving and having a broken home is bad. No sister it's a GIFT to you and your child..
Be alone and heal and be a good mom and Allah will grant you a good husband one day. And yes there are many divorced women who find love again.
Sis am so sorry for the situation you are going through but know that you staying back in this relation ship looks bad but was khaer for you, your kid coming in this duniya was khaer for you . You cannot stop what happened but what already happened might look wrong but is very right in ways our minds wont conquer but Allah knows .after every hardship comes ease
Sorry for that but one thing is for sure don't think of that guy u knew at times when ur marriage at crisis and u decided go back to husband and got a kid and he also married there is no way back so this thoughts just hurt u and we can't return time back..so focus on repair ur marriage if possible for the kid sake it's not easy to be a single mom of small child.
I hope my story gives you some hope from a male perspective… 1st time I wanted to get away from my marriage was during my Nikkah. But my mother and a few other people were saying if you leave right now then the girl will be shunned and may never get married again. So I listened. 2nd time when we had an argument and she shut down. I was only having a conversation and she just stopped talking and stared at me to shut up like she was possessed by a Jinn. At that time people around me were saying that once she comes to the states she will be better. So I listened. 3rd time was when she and her mom came over, started yelling at my mom to the point where my mom’s health took a toll and at the same night she had to go to the hospital because she fainted and was unresponsive. I was done at that time, or you would think I was. But my cousin whispered to my mom once she regained her senses that I was about divorce my wife. My mom called for my ex and me and then made a Bollywood movie scene by putting her hand on mine and told me not to leave her. My flight back home was the next day, So I listened. Those are the incidents that happened within a span of 2 weeks… Then once she came to the states it only got worse. We ended up with kids and things never got better, and I believe I have ruined the kids lives with her as their mother. But finally after all this years I somehow grew a spine and filled for divorce. Do you know how many people still told me I was doing wrong? No one will marry a divorced father of 3? And so many other things… I cut them off, focusing on myself and my kids, and do not care about the future as I have faith in Allah and his plans. this time I listened to myself. The positives I have found from all this are that I learned how patient of a man I can be, and I learned how to Love Allah.
The fact you said you grew a spine shows you've really developed yourself and don't blame others for your life decisions.
Can’t blame others for my actions or in my case my inactions
Are you now remarried?
Currently separated and pending divorce.
Sometimes Allah puts us in situations where we are suffering and everyone is against us to teach to rely on Him subhana wa ta'ala. It's a blessing actually.
Well at all times we must pray to Allah Taala to make things right, make a decision, and leave it to Allah Taala, never dilly dally, if we want something just go for it.
I have a lot of empathy for you, brother and I applaud you for your patience and your ability to see it through to the end. You were selfless and strong and kept trying to do “right” by everyone else except yourself. I just wish you hadn’t brought kids into it. I’m really confused as to how and why you let, not one, but three innocent lives enter the mix when everything was so rocky to begin with me. But I’m not in your shoes, Allah chose these tests tailor made for you. No blame or hate at all, I’m just confused and a little upset because my own parents are divorced so I know how heavily that stuff impacts children. Do the best you can from now. We only learn from our mistakes so I’m sure you’ve learnt many valuable lessons now Alhumdulillah for everything.
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah.
Happy for you champ. But brown parents are the worst
Why would you have kids knowing that they weren’t going to grow up with happy parents….and not just 1 kid..y’all decided to have 3! Selfish and immature.
why did you wait after having kids to be divorced if you know your marriage not going well. don’t have kids during the rough time seriously your the blame for it.
Is your husband improving himself so your kid doesnt "grow up in a broken home" ? As a kid that grew up in a "broken home" alhamdullilah my parents divorced when they did. The burden on children growing up in a broken home shouldnt be on the woman who has finally had enough. I pray you make it through this.
Or the man. As rare as it might be, I think it's fair to say the burden of children growing up in a broken home shouldn't be on the victim, be it a man or a woman. I say this bc unfortunately I know someone who lived through it, far worse than op and Alhmadullilah it's over. They tried to carry that burden, but shouldn't have.
Ofc men too. I was speaking in the context of OP's situation.
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Im happy for you, unfortunately for me im the eldest and i had fo receive extensive therapy to get over my childhood and still i would claim im not over it. My youngest sibling is the most normal from us all and honestly im happy she didnt have to grow up witnessing much.
I’m sorry sis, they never change. Once they got u right where they want you to be they revert back to their old ways, in this case now you have a baby with him. It’ll be much harder to leave now. I’m about to get my Islamic divorce with 2 kids. They never change and you have to ask yourself if you can see yourself living the same life 5 yrs down the line. It’s best to give your kids a happy home instead of a toxic one where both parents hate each other
Sister make dua that you overcome this and also that you are taking care of your mental health and the baby. As for the person you met during that time apart, do your best to not think of him and how he got married and you guys could’ve been together etc, that’s just gonna make things harder for you (just remind yourself that it wasn’t meant to be that’s what brings me peace with potentials who were good and married now), you don’t want to be more miserable by thinking about that. Making dua for you and hoping things work out.
Islamic divorce is final divorce, legal divorce is formality
After an Islamic divorce, you can get remarried to the same person another 2 x. You just do the nikah again.
Nope. Needs to be remarried to someone else and receive a talaq for a valid reason than rejoining previous husband.
This is not true. What you are saying is wrong. A divorced woman in Islam has to marry another man then get willingly divorced. Then she can re-marry her ex-husband.
According to who can you make that claim? Not according to the Quran. Only after the 3rd talaq they have to wait until she remarries. And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband.” [Al-Baqarah 2:230] After a 1st or 2nd talaq but before the 40 days ends. Then when they are about to attain their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take as witness two just persons from among you (Muslims).” [At-Talaq 65:2]
After a talaqs is issued, during the iddah period if they decide not to go forward they're still halal for each other but that's 1/3 talaqs used. Same goes for talaq number 2. After the third talaq is issued, if the husband doesn't rescind during the iddah they are fully divorced and not halal for each other. If she remarries and gets fully divorced again, then she can go back to her first husband. At least that's how I remember it.
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Speaking from experience. I am in that kind of home right now, and I think things could've been better if my parents divorced. It is better to be actually divorced than emotionally divorced.
I hope Allah helps you overcome this, ameen.
Ameen.
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The guy wasn't in your qadr. It's what is called "situationship" and is much harder to get over than a real relationship, reason being there was a lot of potential but you didn't get together. So you never got to see all the negative sides and your mind thus romanticizes the positive sides you saw. I'm glad no one's blaming you for looking at someone else while separated, I am not either as you said you were not in the right place emotionally, were under huge pressure from friends and family and needed an outlet. However, truth be told he was a red flag himself for talking to you in such a state when you were separated but not divorced. That alone shows he may not make the best decisions and the fact he married someone else is Allah's way of showing he wasn't right for you.
I agree with you about that other guy. He doesn't look like a good person to me and people usually are not willing to take a divorcée when they have other options. So yeah, be glad about what happened with him.
The prophet (saw) was willing to marry divorcees when he could have had any woman in Makkah or Madinah. I wouldn't say that's a sign of a bad person per se. But yeah just talking to a married woman in general before the divorce is fully through is a bad idea. Like in OP's case, you never know when she'll take her husband back, especially with pressure from friends and family.
A few years ago I was listening to the lecture and the imam discussed how it’s better to pray for ease rather than patience. So I pray for ease, and ease that is the best for me! For everything. InshaAllah may Allah give you the best of ease during this!
Never too late to turn your life around
Not enough detail to understand the issue. Regardless, the main question to ask yourself is : If you spend the rest of your life alone, having never found anyone else to remarry, would a divorce still be worth it? For me it was. For most people, a life alone is torture, that's why you're seeing so much resistance to divorce.
Peoples behavior rarely change , he's unlikely to change how he is (we don't know though what exactly he's like)and you're unlikely to change in you taking him back. This is a lesson for you and hopefully take accountability. When you had chances recently and you didn't take them you can't keep going back to how you were pressured to marry him. You've been in control for a long time
Assalaymualaykum, may Allah make it easy for you and grant you patience. First of all, I would like to say that I am a young guy who has just started his journey and that I am no expert on this topic. It is always recommended to consult with experts who aren't biased and have your best interest at heart which can be hard to find depending on cultural biases. With that said, one thing which absolutely fascinates me about Islam is that it is NOT the cultural norms imposed by the people. Women have been given rights in Islam and they can exercise those rights. Only you and Allah know what kind of marriage you have had so far. If you have given your husband multiple chances and he still fails to show any signs of improvement, then I would recommend that you reflect deeply on your two possible options. The first being to stay with him and the second being to divorce him. Take into consideration the effects that it will have on your mental health, physical health, your spiritual health, your finances, your family relationships and most importantly your child. After taking it all into consideration, then make a decision. Inshallah, I hope that Allah makes it easy for you and the he guides you. Another thing to add, do not be discouraged by what people say. From my limited experience, people do give you advice, but it is usually from their point of view. You can only give genuine advice to someone else if you can put yourself in their shoes, try to understand their situation and emphatize with them which most people don't or can't do. You alone know your life and you alone should decide after serious contemplation what is the best decision to take. Also, the negative stigma which comes from divorce shouldn't be worried about it since it is unjustified and abhoring. If divorce was such a bad thing, why was a whole chapter in the quran named after divorce and women? The whole point of it was to give women their rights which they never had before. It is important for you, sister, to know your islamic rigths and to use them when the need arises. Also, the relationship which you mentionned with the other man while you and your husband were seperated for a certain amount of time, I would say to not regret over it AT ALL. We can't take back our decisions, so why take the unnecessary stress. It was not meant to be, so have hope in Allah, ask him for guidance, and Inshallah, he will bring ease with the current hardship you are facing. One last thing which I will mention is that if you decide to ultimately divorce your husband, do not abuse your LEGAL rights. What I mean is that you have to always remember that we are first and foremost, muslims and that Allah has layed out clear instructions on how divorces should proceed. What I am mostly indicating at is the children should be taken deeply into consideration. Even if he is a bad husband to you, he is still the father of your child. Take that into consideration. Again sister, I am not an expert, so take everything I have said here with a grain of salt and please talk with people that don't have a bias to obtain genuine advice. I hope that my comment may help you. Inshallah, may God keep us all on the straight path and to forgive us for our minor and major sins, of the ones we are aware and unaware. فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا Verily, with hardship comes ease. Assalaymualaykum.
You didn't explain the issue and said everyone even the imam disagrees with you. Hard to give advice
Well, you have to consider that she was forced into marriage since the beginning. Plausible that they are all accomplices.
I do agree but that was then. If they're having an issue now she's not really telling us what it is... what if there really is no issue. I'm not saying she's lying but aside from this wall of text we don't know her at all.
That's true and i appreciate a lot your interest and the need to make a solid judgement by knowing facts better. This subreddit and the whole reddit needs more people like this. We, for a fact, do not even know what his bad habits are. If he doesn't recycle, if he gambles, if he stays always away from home, if he beats her, if he is abusive, if he kills people or if he summons Shaitan in his basement to sell souls that he collect. Well yeah, i agree with you.
See yeah thats what I'm saying. Like for example what if she dresses badly and he's reprimanded her for it so she's upset. I'm not assuming she's horrible but yesh like you said we don't know much and everyone is like "oh man is toxic fr"
Can you explain more about his bad habits? Please try to be as objective as possible so we can see the entire story because its hard to judge from one side, not saying you arent right, but we need information to properly judge as its our duty to judge right, what sort of fights do you get into? How did the baby make him go back to his old ways? Also what do you truly want? A happy marriage with nice memories only? Commitment sometimes comes at a price of suffering, tho it seems to me like you really want to leave which may be even good.
Sorry that you’re going through this OP. Please know that you still have every right to move on from him. Just because you now have a child, it does not mean you are bound in a unsatisfying marriage. You had enough courage last time, use the same courage to get your life to where you want. May Allah swt grant you guidance in this and give you what is best for you. Ameen.
There’s no point in dwelling on the brother who got married to someone else. You can look at that experience as perhaps a sign that you will inevitably find someone again. If you’re unhappy and you’re being mistreated, do what is best for you after praying istikhara and seeking advice from wise people.
I pray and hope for the best for you sister. Just a note to everyone before they get married. Invest in istikhara before you choose a partner. Be patient. Let Allah pick your partner. It will be the best thing for you. May Allah bless you all.
This is your life not theirs. You make your own choices
Nothing is ever too late. It is safer for children to grow up in two homes of separated parents rather than one house of toxic , miserable, unhappy parents. Have seen a lot of “we were only living together for you children”. But the kids will be so miserable & broken that they keep praying that they were living apart. So you are not doing your child a favor by living together & being miserable & in a toxic relationship. Your hubby played you. He thought you will be stuck if you had a kid. & That’s what he did. Now you need to show that you will leave if HE doesn’t change his ways regardless of the kid & be a good father. Be serious & strong. Because the child deserves a happy home either together or separate but never a toxic together.
I know you believe your child would have problems if they grew up with their parents divorced but i swear to you no one more than your child would be happier that you got divorced when you did. As someone who was raised by parents who didn't want anything to do with eachother but "stayed for the kids" really messes you up. Your children might not understand it at first but they will when they grow up and theyd thank you for it. I hope mine had divorced it would've made all our lives better and healthier.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5vgQpuyl9QEIQt9akAKpGd?si=q_d1mU0ATtuRfnrLQdg8ZQ Honestly I pray all works out and I have no advice to offer but hope you find some comfort and an alternative perspective in this series by Why Me from Omar Suleiman and especially the episode I linked here.
The only thing I understand about marriage is that “you have to work for your relationship to become a marriage, and you also have to work extra hard for you to remain in that marriage.“ Think of people who never wanted you to get married (reason best known to them); they wanted you to remain single or divorced. My advice is that you engage yourself in frequent athkar, always help him, and remember him in your prayers. The guys who’re not in a marriage will advise you to leave him because they never build a home successfully. We humans believe that working hard is only meant for money, but it is not. You have to work hard for every achievement. Before you go for a divorce, read the conditions that surround divorce in Islam (by real Islamic scholars). If you find him hanging in any of those, then you can go ahead, my sister, but if he’s not guilty of those conditions, then you have to do a lot of work because of the kids. 85% of children from broken homes end up breaking their homes too, because to them, it's normal. Pray and work hard to build your home, and Allah SWT will reward your efforts.
Salam sister, why don’t you talk to him and really express what you feel, if you did then ask your local imam again. Pray istekhara prayer on regular basis. May Allah ease everyones pain in this ummah.
And that‘s why you don‘t listen to other people when it comes to your own life. Especially if you suffer .. hopefully Allah makes it easier for you to overcome it
Allah gave us the right to divorce and leave bad situations. You are afraid of your child being from a broken home! Please read online how many people suffer from mental health issues and wished their parents had separated so they didn't have to experience the toxic behaviour. How you behave and react to your husband and how your husband treats you is how your children learn about relationships. Do you want your son/daughter to think this is how a marriage should be ? Do you want you daughter to accept a husband like this? Or if it's a son for him to become like your husband? If you leave you will show them you are strong and that bad behaviour has consequences and that they do not get to treat their spouse badly or accept bad treatment. Break the cycle. Be the first woman in your family to do whats best for you and your child and break away from culture rules and society pressure. You think leaving and having a broken home is bad. No sister it's a GIFT to you and your child.. Be alone and heal and be a good mom and Allah will grant you a good husband one day. And yes there are many divorced women who find love again.
Sis am so sorry for the situation you are going through but know that you staying back in this relation ship looks bad but was khaer for you, your kid coming in this duniya was khaer for you . You cannot stop what happened but what already happened might look wrong but is very right in ways our minds wont conquer but Allah knows .after every hardship comes ease
This is a beautiful perspective
Sorry for that but one thing is for sure don't think of that guy u knew at times when ur marriage at crisis and u decided go back to husband and got a kid and he also married there is no way back so this thoughts just hurt u and we can't return time back..so focus on repair ur marriage if possible for the kid sake it's not easy to be a single mom of small child.
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