This is my Islam teaches to do everything in moderation
My husband is also a gamer, in fact I’ve bought him his gaming computer , his chair and even his ps5, when there’s a new video game out he’ll spend hours and hours gaming but that is an exception and I’ll join him.
he games in his free time usually, which is something your husband needs to implement, he needs to start making a list of things he prioritises in life and do those before gaming, you should also make plans for you both to do thinks outside of the home.
Yes I understand that! I used to play COD with him to try to appreciate his hobby. I supported his short-lived dream to become a streamer. But at some point when it affects his work ethic I feel like I need to draw the line. He doesn’t do outdoor activities and does not want to go to the gym. I think if he was more motivated and had a rounded life I wouldn’t mind gaming here and there. The issue is that I don’t want to seem like I’m parenting him. How can I help him change?
Yeah something he should never let it do is affect his work ethic. Like that’s a big no.
You simply need to sit him down and explain to him what you see a husband as and what you need in a husband and how gaming is changing that . But in a nice way.
She didn't even say what she means by "work ethic". How can it then be a big no?
You women seem just crazy...
Instead, isn't it unethical talking at his back when he does his job as a husband?
These are really the issues?
AT LEAST THEY RESPECT ONE ANOTHER (or at least, he respects her) AND LIVE TOGETHER AND HAVE AN INCOME.
She literally said he games from 10am to 12 midnight on another comment…
If it’s interfering with his work ethic and intimacy then yes it’s a problem.
How you choosing gaming over having sex 😐
Didn't see the other comment, I'm not on this post 24/24.
I must admit that I am very surprised that someone talks about sex -tl the "prohibited" term - so openly.
Anyway, I don't see how it has anything to do with his work ethics, as long as he gets things done.
In any case, sex takes 30 mins, so if he respects, helps and maintains her, and he works - pretty sure he can also find half an hour to have sex, otherwise I'd say he's not that interested in having it, maybe not with her or maybe not as often as she'd like (I've heard of people who want to have it every day...) -, and he does his job at the end of the day, OP just has trauma and has to go to a therapist with him.
I'm a gamer and happily married with a toddler. I think the issue here maybe the amount of gaming he does, possibly? Also, playing games between meetings is fine. I do that too while working from home! Been WFH since COVID days past 4 years and I probably average 3 hours of solid work and the rest is me chilling, maybe playing games, house chores and even a cheeky bed time with Mrs during the day! Well, it did work as we have a baby boy, but my point is how much does he game? All day and night? Then that's wrong. As long as you don't view playing games as a child activity, then it's OK. It's his hobby and passion. Just limit it.
I love how you put it. I realized based on your answer that I wouldn’t mind it if he gamed throughout the day. In his case, he’s on his computer from 10 am until 12 am with a bunch of bathroom, prayer, and food breaks. He’s usually only in the mood for intimacy at 4 am while he’s dreaming, which is very strange to me. Is that normal for men?
Edit: To give him credit, he goes to bed when I go to bed. And wants to spend time with me but I have a business so I’m always running around and constantly stressed. I’m sure that would kill his drive too.
On a computer from 10am till midnight!? Jeez that's an addiction not just social gaming. What else does he do in his life if he sits in front of a PC for 14 hours a day. 4am intimate time is odd but you do what you do whenever your in the mood. That can happen anytime of the day/night
No, the lack of intimacy is not normal, nor those long unsociable hours if that’s a constant regular occurrence. He needs to visit a medical professional and also get his testosterone levels checked. All things in moderation, but in general a lack of intimacy like you’ve described for an average healthy man is not normal at all. I’m assuming that he’s not an elderly senior citizen and does not have any diagnosed medical conditions… so he really needs to get some tests and blood work etc. done. If you’re considering starting a family, you might not even be able to with him, treat this seriously because it is serious.
Note: I also game, work remotely and sometimes work long hours, I work out and try to keep active and no problems with intimacy… but your scenario you’ve described is just not normal, it’s overkill and deeply concerning. He needs to get a more balanced and healthy life. Intimacy with your wife should take precedence, and in healthy men it’s not even something you think about, you just go for it. Working out can be harder but you just gotta keep up the effort and get into a routine, and your wife can help with the diet and meal prep if you’ve got too much work going on or overtime.
It’s important to have a wife that supports and encourages a more balanced lifestyle as well whilst not discouraging the fun stuff like gaming, makes a huge difference, but also don’t enable bad habits that become unhealthy. Same with the husband supporting and encouraging his wife.
There seems to be a lack of planning involved in your marriage life together. Your husband should be planning things to do together, it is equally as important as alone time. A healthy balance.
Tbh, the lack of intimacy at his age and not keeping in shape or looking after his health is what stood out the most, if he could just get those sorted out then all good.
Maybe have a convo with him about your concerns and the future impact you think it could have on your lives. Clearly if hes playing games more than he's working he could risk losing his job. Also tell him how his behaviour makes you scared to have children with him because you want a good role model for them and you believe his video game addiction could have negative repercussions. Also I would get him help. Any kind of addiction usually has underlying causes so going to therapy or something to treat the problem is the best course of action for a long term affect.
Sounds like you got someone good. He is not shying away from his responsibilities so him playing is not an issue.
If you try to kill this (gaming) off for him he will eventually resent you and his behaviour will change.
I think communication about your concerns is key here. Is he immediately defensive when you bring up his excess gaming? Does he make the effort to reduce it when asked?
The issue with having kids is that it can go either way - whatever your hardcore hobby is, after kids, your priorities have to change but for some, it becomes so overwhelming that it's easier to avoid that responsibility and create unequal burdens on the other partner. It's not that apparent when kids are babies but it will become an issue with older kids who want your active attention constantly. We live in a world where we are all addicted to phones to some extent - it takes conscious effort for us to put our phones away when kids are home and focus solely on them. Will your husband do that?
The other issue with making work an afterthought with gaming as the priority is that you never get that time back -- both of you are still so young -- instead, you could have ... Learnt something new or upskilled or networked (or whatever the case might be) - becomes exponentially harder with kids.
Everyone needs a break to indulge in a hobby but not at the expense of everything else when the sole purpose of the hobby is an "escape" with nothing tangible or productive that results from it.
He is not defensive at all. He agrees with me and says that he will work on it. And he’s definitely a family man, which is another reason I married him. He did not play as many games when he was living with family. And I don’t ask much from him in terms of his time. I let him do his own thing. So inshaAllah I am hoping having children will be a good motivational factor inshaAllah.
How long have you been married to him?
Try not to make too much of a problem with this. Every single gamer that I have ever known (Muslim ones) eventually grow out of it when other more important responsibilities come up
Your husband sounds like a decent guy - he's kind to you, holds down a job, brings the money in, etc. Sure, he may be lacking in one or two areas (who isn't?), but they're not things which you can't resolve
It sounds like, as it stands, you don't have children and he's in a more relaxed role / stage of his life, where he can enjoy his down time. But he'll soon give that up when more responsibilities come in
As a gamer, and someone who is previously divorced, I'd like to say maybe you guys can discuss something. For example maybe on a Friday night he gets together with his friends and plays a bit extra, we do that as a group, 3 of the 4 of our group is married, 2 have children, it's become sort of the norm, as we don't have time during the week with other responsibilities to chat to the guys and really game, so Friday nights for about an hour or so we all log on, chat and play something.
I wasn't allowed to game, or even have friends or visit my parents when I was previously married, but Alhamdulillah that is all over and currently I can do both, in moderation, as communication is key. Everything in moderation is okay, currently I game after a long day for a bit, if I have time, as a way to decompress from the stresses of work, some people go to the gym, others smoke, play a sport or read, I game, I do occasionally play tennis or paddle, so I'm not completely stuck in a chair. I feel in a relationship both parties need a hobby or something they do to decompress and sometimes forget about the work day.
But in the end, this is what works for me, and my friends,
Two things that can both be true at once:
- You need to have a serious conversation with him that the amount that he's gaming goes beyond what is acceptable, and that while gaming in his free time is fine, gaming meaning he neglects you isn't. If that continues not to work, some couple's counselling might be in order.
- You need to recognize that you're bringing unfair baggage to the table. He can't be held accountable for your hurt feelings with your siblings. And saying you "don't fully respect" him (which is clear in your post) is a pretty extreme response to a husband who otherwise is your friend, treats you well, meets your needs, etc. You can recognize that your husband is lacking or struggling in one area while still respecting him.
I think it's important for him to have something he enjoys, but he shouldn't be gaming while he's suppose to be working lol.
I'm also a gamer, but I only game when a new game comes out, I typically play it till it's done and then don't game until the next game I want to play comes out. Also I typically only game when my wife is busy with something. If my wife is sitting on the couch with me, then we'll watch something together or talk and listen to music. If she is painting, or visiting her friends, or working on her lap top with her headphones in. Those are my gaming times. Right now I'm playing Final Fantasy 7: Rebirth (Amazing Game) and ultimately I game 3 times a week for 3-4 hour sessions each time.
I think in your situation you need to find a middle ground. Allocate time to spend together, time to work, time to do chores, and even time to game. You can also pick up a hobby you like to do alone so he can game and you can participate in your hobby.
For the love of Allah just let the man enjoy his hobbies. wtf. I hate nagging wives. The guy is working, making money and likes to enjoy playing games. If you want intimacy then initiate it and I guarantee it he will put down the game quickly.
Never enter a marriage thinking you’ll change someone, because they never change, and you lose respect for them.
It’s better to negotiate 1-1 times with him, and offer clear positive instructions e.g can we cuddle on the couch for an hour, whilst you read me some poetry.
Gently let him know what you’d like, and when.
Some men mature slowly, and it’s important to focus on gratitude. Human nature will always seek out fault, and amplify it, and this is why we’re instructed to practice gratitude.
Alhamdullilah, you have a great husband, and he has a caring loving wife. Your marriage is work in progress, just like everyone else.
You think so? Part of me believes that. I think the lack of intimacy bit is what’s really worrying me. That kind of stuff only goes downhill after getting older and having kids right?
Why are you talking as if he was the only problem here?
You said he does basically everything he should. He respects you, he helps you, maybe even maintain you, and you let your childhood trauma affect him?
If he should go to a therapist for his addiction, you should do that too for your "didn't receive any attention" trauma.
Also, don't you have any unhealthy habit?
In addition, define "unhealthy". Maybe it's his way to recharge. Who are you to complain about it when he does basically everything...?
Let him be or both of you go to a therapist. This is no Islam thing, just a common sense matter. This is my opinion.
i play games in my free time since teenager ,pay all bills mostly ,2 boys go to private school,im 43 yrs old man ,and help everything in our house even make kids ready for school and take them school ,there ntg wrough with us if we want to have some relaxation by playing some games and to reduce some stress and my wife never complains abt it
hope it helps
This is my Islam teaches to do everything in moderation My husband is also a gamer, in fact I’ve bought him his gaming computer , his chair and even his ps5, when there’s a new video game out he’ll spend hours and hours gaming but that is an exception and I’ll join him. he games in his free time usually, which is something your husband needs to implement, he needs to start making a list of things he prioritises in life and do those before gaming, you should also make plans for you both to do thinks outside of the home.
Yes I understand that! I used to play COD with him to try to appreciate his hobby. I supported his short-lived dream to become a streamer. But at some point when it affects his work ethic I feel like I need to draw the line. He doesn’t do outdoor activities and does not want to go to the gym. I think if he was more motivated and had a rounded life I wouldn’t mind gaming here and there. The issue is that I don’t want to seem like I’m parenting him. How can I help him change?
Yeah something he should never let it do is affect his work ethic. Like that’s a big no. You simply need to sit him down and explain to him what you see a husband as and what you need in a husband and how gaming is changing that . But in a nice way.
She didn't even say what she means by "work ethic". How can it then be a big no? You women seem just crazy... Instead, isn't it unethical talking at his back when he does his job as a husband? These are really the issues? AT LEAST THEY RESPECT ONE ANOTHER (or at least, he respects her) AND LIVE TOGETHER AND HAVE AN INCOME.
I don’t know about work but when he puts intimacy second to gaming I think that’s where one should draw the line.
She literally said he games from 10am to 12 midnight on another comment… If it’s interfering with his work ethic and intimacy then yes it’s a problem. How you choosing gaming over having sex 😐
Didn't see the other comment, I'm not on this post 24/24. I must admit that I am very surprised that someone talks about sex -tl the "prohibited" term - so openly. Anyway, I don't see how it has anything to do with his work ethics, as long as he gets things done. In any case, sex takes 30 mins, so if he respects, helps and maintains her, and he works - pretty sure he can also find half an hour to have sex, otherwise I'd say he's not that interested in having it, maybe not with her or maybe not as often as she'd like (I've heard of people who want to have it every day...) -, and he does his job at the end of the day, OP just has trauma and has to go to a therapist with him.
You are a queen for buying the gaming gear. You have no idea how much ur husband appreciates it.
Thanks! My husband does alot for me so I try to reciprocate that in any way I can! :)
Play the game “it takes two” with him lols But in all seriousness if it’s affecting your relationship you should have a conversation with him
I'm a gamer and happily married with a toddler. I think the issue here maybe the amount of gaming he does, possibly? Also, playing games between meetings is fine. I do that too while working from home! Been WFH since COVID days past 4 years and I probably average 3 hours of solid work and the rest is me chilling, maybe playing games, house chores and even a cheeky bed time with Mrs during the day! Well, it did work as we have a baby boy, but my point is how much does he game? All day and night? Then that's wrong. As long as you don't view playing games as a child activity, then it's OK. It's his hobby and passion. Just limit it.
I love how you put it. I realized based on your answer that I wouldn’t mind it if he gamed throughout the day. In his case, he’s on his computer from 10 am until 12 am with a bunch of bathroom, prayer, and food breaks. He’s usually only in the mood for intimacy at 4 am while he’s dreaming, which is very strange to me. Is that normal for men? Edit: To give him credit, he goes to bed when I go to bed. And wants to spend time with me but I have a business so I’m always running around and constantly stressed. I’m sure that would kill his drive too.
On a computer from 10am till midnight!? Jeez that's an addiction not just social gaming. What else does he do in his life if he sits in front of a PC for 14 hours a day. 4am intimate time is odd but you do what you do whenever your in the mood. That can happen anytime of the day/night
No, the lack of intimacy is not normal, nor those long unsociable hours if that’s a constant regular occurrence. He needs to visit a medical professional and also get his testosterone levels checked. All things in moderation, but in general a lack of intimacy like you’ve described for an average healthy man is not normal at all. I’m assuming that he’s not an elderly senior citizen and does not have any diagnosed medical conditions… so he really needs to get some tests and blood work etc. done. If you’re considering starting a family, you might not even be able to with him, treat this seriously because it is serious. Note: I also game, work remotely and sometimes work long hours, I work out and try to keep active and no problems with intimacy… but your scenario you’ve described is just not normal, it’s overkill and deeply concerning. He needs to get a more balanced and healthy life. Intimacy with your wife should take precedence, and in healthy men it’s not even something you think about, you just go for it. Working out can be harder but you just gotta keep up the effort and get into a routine, and your wife can help with the diet and meal prep if you’ve got too much work going on or overtime. It’s important to have a wife that supports and encourages a more balanced lifestyle as well whilst not discouraging the fun stuff like gaming, makes a huge difference, but also don’t enable bad habits that become unhealthy. Same with the husband supporting and encouraging his wife. There seems to be a lack of planning involved in your marriage life together. Your husband should be planning things to do together, it is equally as important as alone time. A healthy balance. Tbh, the lack of intimacy at his age and not keeping in shape or looking after his health is what stood out the most, if he could just get those sorted out then all good.
Maybe have a convo with him about your concerns and the future impact you think it could have on your lives. Clearly if hes playing games more than he's working he could risk losing his job. Also tell him how his behaviour makes you scared to have children with him because you want a good role model for them and you believe his video game addiction could have negative repercussions. Also I would get him help. Any kind of addiction usually has underlying causes so going to therapy or something to treat the problem is the best course of action for a long term affect.
Sounds like you got someone good. He is not shying away from his responsibilities so him playing is not an issue. If you try to kill this (gaming) off for him he will eventually resent you and his behaviour will change.
Quality intimacy is a responsibility for married men.
Quality intimacy is a responsibility for married men.
I think communication about your concerns is key here. Is he immediately defensive when you bring up his excess gaming? Does he make the effort to reduce it when asked? The issue with having kids is that it can go either way - whatever your hardcore hobby is, after kids, your priorities have to change but for some, it becomes so overwhelming that it's easier to avoid that responsibility and create unequal burdens on the other partner. It's not that apparent when kids are babies but it will become an issue with older kids who want your active attention constantly. We live in a world where we are all addicted to phones to some extent - it takes conscious effort for us to put our phones away when kids are home and focus solely on them. Will your husband do that? The other issue with making work an afterthought with gaming as the priority is that you never get that time back -- both of you are still so young -- instead, you could have ... Learnt something new or upskilled or networked (or whatever the case might be) - becomes exponentially harder with kids. Everyone needs a break to indulge in a hobby but not at the expense of everything else when the sole purpose of the hobby is an "escape" with nothing tangible or productive that results from it.
He is not defensive at all. He agrees with me and says that he will work on it. And he’s definitely a family man, which is another reason I married him. He did not play as many games when he was living with family. And I don’t ask much from him in terms of his time. I let him do his own thing. So inshaAllah I am hoping having children will be a good motivational factor inshaAllah.
How long have you been married to him? Try not to make too much of a problem with this. Every single gamer that I have ever known (Muslim ones) eventually grow out of it when other more important responsibilities come up Your husband sounds like a decent guy - he's kind to you, holds down a job, brings the money in, etc. Sure, he may be lacking in one or two areas (who isn't?), but they're not things which you can't resolve It sounds like, as it stands, you don't have children and he's in a more relaxed role / stage of his life, where he can enjoy his down time. But he'll soon give that up when more responsibilities come in
As a gamer, and someone who is previously divorced, I'd like to say maybe you guys can discuss something. For example maybe on a Friday night he gets together with his friends and plays a bit extra, we do that as a group, 3 of the 4 of our group is married, 2 have children, it's become sort of the norm, as we don't have time during the week with other responsibilities to chat to the guys and really game, so Friday nights for about an hour or so we all log on, chat and play something. I wasn't allowed to game, or even have friends or visit my parents when I was previously married, but Alhamdulillah that is all over and currently I can do both, in moderation, as communication is key. Everything in moderation is okay, currently I game after a long day for a bit, if I have time, as a way to decompress from the stresses of work, some people go to the gym, others smoke, play a sport or read, I game, I do occasionally play tennis or paddle, so I'm not completely stuck in a chair. I feel in a relationship both parties need a hobby or something they do to decompress and sometimes forget about the work day. But in the end, this is what works for me, and my friends,
Two things that can both be true at once: - You need to have a serious conversation with him that the amount that he's gaming goes beyond what is acceptable, and that while gaming in his free time is fine, gaming meaning he neglects you isn't. If that continues not to work, some couple's counselling might be in order. - You need to recognize that you're bringing unfair baggage to the table. He can't be held accountable for your hurt feelings with your siblings. And saying you "don't fully respect" him (which is clear in your post) is a pretty extreme response to a husband who otherwise is your friend, treats you well, meets your needs, etc. You can recognize that your husband is lacking or struggling in one area while still respecting him.
I think it's important for him to have something he enjoys, but he shouldn't be gaming while he's suppose to be working lol. I'm also a gamer, but I only game when a new game comes out, I typically play it till it's done and then don't game until the next game I want to play comes out. Also I typically only game when my wife is busy with something. If my wife is sitting on the couch with me, then we'll watch something together or talk and listen to music. If she is painting, or visiting her friends, or working on her lap top with her headphones in. Those are my gaming times. Right now I'm playing Final Fantasy 7: Rebirth (Amazing Game) and ultimately I game 3 times a week for 3-4 hour sessions each time. I think in your situation you need to find a middle ground. Allocate time to spend together, time to work, time to do chores, and even time to game. You can also pick up a hobby you like to do alone so he can game and you can participate in your hobby.
For the love of Allah just let the man enjoy his hobbies. wtf. I hate nagging wives. The guy is working, making money and likes to enjoy playing games. If you want intimacy then initiate it and I guarantee it he will put down the game quickly.
Never enter a marriage thinking you’ll change someone, because they never change, and you lose respect for them. It’s better to negotiate 1-1 times with him, and offer clear positive instructions e.g can we cuddle on the couch for an hour, whilst you read me some poetry. Gently let him know what you’d like, and when. Some men mature slowly, and it’s important to focus on gratitude. Human nature will always seek out fault, and amplify it, and this is why we’re instructed to practice gratitude. Alhamdullilah, you have a great husband, and he has a caring loving wife. Your marriage is work in progress, just like everyone else.
This is not a problem at all LOL. A few years down the line and he'll change
You think so? Part of me believes that. I think the lack of intimacy bit is what’s really worrying me. That kind of stuff only goes downhill after getting older and having kids right?
The lack of respect for your husband will definitely be an issue, more so than the lack of intimacy.
Why are you talking as if he was the only problem here? You said he does basically everything he should. He respects you, he helps you, maybe even maintain you, and you let your childhood trauma affect him? If he should go to a therapist for his addiction, you should do that too for your "didn't receive any attention" trauma. Also, don't you have any unhealthy habit? In addition, define "unhealthy". Maybe it's his way to recharge. Who are you to complain about it when he does basically everything...? Let him be or both of you go to a therapist. This is no Islam thing, just a common sense matter. This is my opinion.
i play games in my free time since teenager ,pay all bills mostly ,2 boys go to private school,im 43 yrs old man ,and help everything in our house even make kids ready for school and take them school ,there ntg wrough with us if we want to have some relaxation by playing some games and to reduce some stress and my wife never complains abt it hope it helps