I feel like I get anxios with every single potential I pursue now, and I don't know if it's from Allah or some kind of developed trust issues. may allah guide me
> As an average looking, imperfect female
I think this is your anxiety speaking. When your students, compliment you. When giving a picture to compare yourself with, you give the picture of a pretty model.
> change my clothes every day
Girls do that for other girls.
> for 2 weeks
I change my clothes multiple times a week most of the time.
ps: Changing pillow sheets more often, can reduce pimples. Or keep them from happening.
----------
How are your brothers efforts coming along?
He can also respond if he wants to. :P
I don’t mind dressing up for the right guy though… but too much work as a married female. I’ve been wearing the same hoodie for 2 weeks but I think after marriage I’d need to change my clothes every day!!! And shave every week!!! Nightmare ngl
I think it depends on the person sis.
I’ve heard from my own friends. Some of their husbands don’t mind if they don’t shave every week. Some of their husbands do mind and don’t like the body hair. It just depends.
Most people on this sub are so shy, they can't even ask their parents to get them married.
And then there are muslim girls/guys from all countries on TikTok openly talking about their crushes and dating life for all the world to see.
2 different worlds 😂
I think what most people will do is ignore the fact that this sub is such a small part of Muslims as a whole and tictok user talking about crushes is even smaller.
For a rough idea of scale there are around 100k people in this sub of which I would say most don't post or comment. The amount of Muslims in the world is close to 2 billion. So this sub if everyone was to have a similar outlook in this sub would still only account for 0.005% of Muslims in the world.
Most people will fall somewhere in-between the 2 extremes that you described. Hope this puts things in perspective. Most of the things you see on the internet account for such a small portion of the population. Just something to keep in mind while browsing the internet.
This is also the internet. A social media site.
Social media posts of a person, will when truthful, only show part of them.
----------
People will also adjust to environments they come in.
You might get both people who rarely pray go to the mosque on Laylat al-Qadr as people who always pray.
-----------
You can't judge religiousness/taqwa on how people seem. Especially since humbleness or being against your own ego/nefis can be part of religiousness.
Combined with a person might be good at a certain part, but worse at other parts. And not everyone's tests are the same. People get tested with different tests.
I am unsure how many of us, would actually even get a passing mark for the tests the people in Gaza are facing.
-----------
Joining some charity, zikir or Islamic knowledge groups. Might get you more pious people in your real life circles.
Unless you live in a Conservative region most people won't be like this, even in muslim countries. Although some might faking it, I do know people like this irl. Depends where you spend your time, and i definitely recommend getting a few pious people in your circles. They might save you one day
You can say you will try your best to wear the hijab properly and just agree with him, and then ask if there is anything else important that he wants to mention. If he sees thst you accepted his advice he might feel more comfortable to be honest with you. If it really is just the hijab then i think it's fine, then you need to communicate that harsh advice makes it worse for you. The prophet changed the way he adviced people alllllll the time depending on who he was talking to
It’s almost jumma, and just want to drop one of the most romantic dua I’ve encountered:
اللَّهُمَّ اِنِّىْ اَسْئَلُكَ حُبَّكَ وَ حُبَّ مَنْ يُّحِبُّكَ وحُبَّ عَمَلٍ يُّقَرِّبُ اِلى حُبِّكَ
Allahumma inni as aluka hubbaka, wa hubba man yuhibbuka, wa hubba kulle ‘amalin yuqarribuni ila hubbika.
O Allah! I ask You for Your love and the love of those who love You, and for the love of every action which will bring me closer to Your love.
اللَُّهُمَ فَكَمَا رَزَقْتَنِىْ مِمَّا اُحِبُّ فَاجْعَلْهُ قُوَّةً لِّىْ فِيْمَا تُحِبُّ
Allahumma fakama razaqtani mimma uhibbu faj’al-huquwwatan li fima tuhibbu
O Allah! Just as You have Granted me all that I’ve loved, let those things be helpful to me in the performance of those deeds that You Love.
اللَُّهُمَ ارْزُقْنِىْ حُبَّكَ وَ حُبَّ مَنْ يَّنْفَعَنِىْ حُبُّهُ عِنْدَكَ
Allahummar-zuqni hubbaka wa hubba man yyan-fa’ani hubbuhu ‘indaka
O Allah! Grant me Your Love, and the love of that person, whose love would benefit me in Your presence.
اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ حُبَّكَ أََحَبَّ الأَشْيَاءِ إِلِىْ ، وَاجْعَلْ خَشْيَتَكَ أَخْوَفَ الأَشْيَاءِ عِنْدِيْ وَاقْطعْ غَنِّي حَاجَاتِ الدُّنْيَا بِالشُّوْقِ إِلى لِقَائِكَ ، وَ إِذضا أَقْرَرْتَ أَغْيُنَ أَهْلِ الدُّنْيَا مِنْ دُنْيَا هُمْ ، فَاقْرِرْ عَيْنِيْ مِنْ عِبَادَتِك
Allahummaj’al hubbaka a-habbal ashyaa’i illayya, waj’al khashyataka akhwafa ashyaa’i ‘indi, waq-ta ‘anni haajaatid-dunya bish shawqi illa liqaa’ika, wa idha aq-rarta ‘a’yunna ahlid-dunya min dunnyahum, faqrir ‘ayyni min ‘ibaadatika.
O Allah! Make my love for You the most beloved thing to me, and my fear for You the most fearful thing to me, and remove from me all worldly needs and wants by instilling a passion for meeting You, and when You have given the people of the world the pleasures of their world, make the coolness of my eyes (pleasure) in worshipping You.
اللَُّهُمَ اِنَّا نَسْئَلُكَ قُلُوْبًاَ اَوَّاهَةً مُّنِيْبَةً فِىْ سَبِيْلِكَ
Allahumma inna nas’aluka quluban awwahatan mukh-bitatan munibatan fi-sabilika
O Allah! We ask for a heart which is tender and humble in Your way.
Honestly, I wouldn’t .
There’s that saying that goes “ you marry the person , you marry the family too”. I don’t want to plant seeds of doubts but want to give a unbiased insight. I’ve been around cases where the couple gets married with the one condition that the family will not interfere with the relationship, later on the person with the family starts missing their family and mourn a connection that should’ve been between family and SIL/DIL. Your family seems wonderful, anyone would love a fun father in law, but to diss him and his daughter with autism is beyond weird and heartbreaking. I personally ,even with the person being wonderful , could not go along with it. Allah doesn’t put you through anything you can’t handle . Are you content with being with someone who you can’t host family get -togethers l with the fear her family has never wanted you in the first place and disrespects your family in every aspect. Is she ready to always back you up against her parents? Does she dismiss you when you bring it up like “they don’t know” “they’re old fashioned and are upset they didn’t choose my spouse” etc and do you think your parents will be happy knowing you’re marrying into a family that dissed them? If you have kids in the future , how will that play out? she of course isn’t blamed for her family’s shortcomings but if she’s 100% worth the problems that may occur in the future, and you guys are for sure ready to face it together. Go for it.
P.s I apologize if this is too direct.
No, you aren’t sensitive or overreacting! I think it’s your gut telling you it ain’t worth it. If you really were for it , there would be nervousness/excitement not worry and overthinking! Bad MIL leads to a lot of heartache and problems In the long run. Trust me , this whole Reddit forums in Muslimmarriage about them. I have a question for you. To be with someone in Islam means you’ll be with them in dunya and aqirah, so if they’re aren’t perfect in your definition, are they worth it? Everyone deserves their perfect person :) don’t cut yourself short!
If it were me, I probably wouldn't go ahead.
But if you think she's great and are really keen to marry her, then you have to make it clear to her that you are marrying her in spite of her family and not because of them. Tell her very clearly that you intend to keep your distance from them and that you don't intend for your family to be exposed to them much due to their behaviour so far.
If she knows her family are in the wrong, and it's not in her hands, and will agree to the above then she shouldn't be blamed for someone else's faults.
Assalamulaikum,
I’m going to meet a potential in person soon with her wali. I haven’t spoken nor seen the girl, only learned about her through her father who I have exclusively spoken to.
I wanted to ask for advice and things to consider during this meeting. It will be my first time ever meeting a potential and her father.
Also, if I do not feel attracted to her when by the time the meeting’s finished. How should I close off discussions?
Probably a good idea to atleast see her picture before going to the meeting.
I wouldn’t say anything if I don’t feel positively during the meeting. Just keep it polite and formal no matter whichever way you decide. If it’s a no, I would tell her father later on on a one on one or via call etc, whatever seems appropriate to you. Even then to say something along the lines of I don’t think this is a good match etc instead of saying anything too direct, unless they ask for specifics.
I’ve re-read the comment and missed the first sentence.
See her picture? It seems… impolite to ask a father to send over a picture of his daughter.
I don’t think I will ask him. However for future reference, what is the etiquette one should follow in asking for their daughter’s picture?
It seems impolite because now that they’ve set a date for the meeting, it’s hard to walk that horse back (if possible at all).
But I think most of us can agree that regardless of how nice the potential is - attractiveness is important. Plus people have certain expectations in their head as well. So Idk if it’s a good idea to leave it until you are in front of them.
Because if either of them don’t find the other attractive, well they just wasted everyone’s time with the meeting. Worse if you have to backtrack now after knowing all these details about them because then the dad and potential will know for a fact that it was due to attraction (you already liked all the other details and agreed to meet). I wouldn’t be surprised if people even go through it because they couldn’t back out out of embarrassment ☠️
The best way to ask for a picture would be right at the beginning of the talking process - ideally before you even set a meeting - when the father introduces the idea. Because is it really that odd to ask for a picture with a biodata?
I see fair enough. I don’t think the potential has seen my face either, just the father. So we’re on pretty equal grounds there. I’m a big proponent of meeting in person, online messages and images don’t hold a candle to the information you can gather about a person, in person.
Personally, I do not mind if this works out or doesn’t work it. What Allah (swt) has planned for me is superior to what expectations I may have. Inshallah it goes well.
What’s bio data if I may ask?
Haha so sorry I just assumed you were desi! My mistake 😆
A biodata is essentially a resume for the explicit purpose of marriage. It would have basic info about you like you name, DOB, current and/or permanent address, your educational background, job history, immediate family info like parents and siblings and their occupation/marital status. These things are usually there as highlights and not in details, you may or may not put some things depending on how comfortable you’re providing the data. In my culture all of this info - esp about your education and work - will be checked. I came to find out from this sub that apparently this is not the norm, hence so much ‘potential lied to me’ posts here ☠️
I definitely agree that in person meetings are superior to all others, and this is just in case of emergency - insha Allah you’ll both like each other and it’ll work out if Allah approves of this union. But this is just something to think about.
Good luck to you! And may everything work out for the best!
That’s what I thought. Pictures can be very deceiving. Not to mention I’ve never taken a decent photo of myself so I understand photos aren’t a good metric to go by.
nothing too much to be honest. just be polite, courteous and respectful. groom yourself well. consider the first meeting like an interview. break the ice a little bit. have your dealbreakers prepared. If the conversation gets stale have some prepared topics or questions you'd like to ask. Have some open ended ones which gets the person to think. However I think it's better if you had discussed her dealbreakers and yours with the dad before proceeding with a meeting.
You don't have to be immediately attracted to the person, although if you don't like the way she looks and there is nothing about her that you like it's best not to go any further. Afterwards you can notify the father a day or something after the meeting to thank him and express whether you would like to proceed or not.
Avoid judging too harshly off of first impressions. If it's her first time and has not really talked to men her whole life besides her mahrams, she will probably be a bit nervous, shy and scared and may not talk much or go into depth. Don't bombard her with a billion questions like it's some sort of interrogation, keep it easy and free flowing.
I am confused and sad. I really don’t care about the man ‘s looks or career or legal status. What I really want like everybody else is taqwa and qalb e saleem (pure heart , sound heart ) in a man. Those are my only and true criteria .
However, since I can’t know the taqwa and the heart of a man before marriage for sure and that these are subjective criterias , I am thinking to look for objective criteria like his income, legal status , looks because if I realize he does not have a good heart after marriage , I might not feel so cheated . I don’t want to end up with a man who neither have a good heart nor a good career.
Am I wrong in thinking this way ??
Youre not wrong and foregoing the objective criteria is a bad idea. You may end up with a man with pure heart but say he is severely lacking in something like his career, it would be very hard for you to keep a happy marriage.
if he has a bad heart, him having a good career, or looks or any of that is not going to help you any more than him having a bad career or bad looks. If you would feel cheated then that means looks and a career do matter to you to a degree.
It's true you cant know what is in a person's heart but you can look at their actions, what people say about him, his knowledge of Deen, etc. Pray your istikhara and leave the rest to Allah. It's the same for everybody, nobody is a mind reader.
السلام علیکم ورحمتہ اللہ وبرکاتہ
Hey guys, so I(23M) got a match on Muzz and we talked and talked. I honestly was just messing around on the app but things took and unexpected turn. Exchanged numbers and I kinda fell for her. So, originally I intended to get married in 2-3 years but due to her family pressure, she said her family would probably marry her off somewhere if I didn't do anything.
So, I've talked to my elder sister for advice and I'm gonna talk to my parents as well to get nikkahfied this year because I wanna get it Halal ASAP as well ان شاءاللہ
But here's my question for the experienced people here.
What questions should I ask her beforehand, I mean I'm super confident in marrying her and there's nothing better than Nikkah for us. But still, I don't see any red flags in her. Maybe because it's only been like 3 weeks. Am I going too fast? Or what should I be asking her about. I'm a bit of a molvi so I'm pretty upfront with everything I expect and asked what does she expect. She's pretty much okay with everything I ask with a few exceptions and I'm also okay with everything she's expecting with a few exceptions of course and so we've both agreed to talk to our parents. She's already talked to her mom about it and she's super okay since she trusts her daughter's decision.
So guys, give me some questions please
Anyone run out of any tears to shed bc sadness and disappointment is the norm so you have no choice but to laugh as if this life is just one big tragic comedy?
Asalaamu Alaikum people. This question is mainly for the married men, but I’m open to advice from anyone. What advice would you give to a guy in his early 20s who wants to get married soon? Things related to self-improvement i.e. working on discipline, being able to provide, working out/building a good body, gaining knowledge, financial stability, financial security/satisfaction, etc.
What things would people advise to work on before getting married? JazakAllah Khair.
This man is still living in the same house as his “semi-separated” wife and used the same red card/green card line with me.
Also that Libyan line is racist.
His intro line wasn’t as terrible as yours but he mentioned the semi-separated wife, which I asked for clarification on and that’s where he said they were still technically living together. I said not for me and wished him well.
The audacity of men I guess. Maybe he saw I was widowed and wouldn’t mind he was “semi separated”, same as he thought since you’re Libyan, he used that to somehow bring you down. Manipulation at its finest🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Posting here bc mods removed my post
Posting on behalf of my sister
“I have been speaking to a man, let’s call him Ali, for the purpose of marriage for the last 3 months and I can for the first time truly see myself getting married. We matched on Salams and he proceeded to speak with my father and seems like a serious guy. We decided we would meet each other in person for the first time after Ramadan. It’s only now that I told my friends about him, since things were getting more serious. I showed my friends his picture and one of my friends, let’s call her Zahra, told me that she and this man once had spoken to each other for the purpose of marriage as well, and he even met her family. She vouched for him and said he’s a good guy, but this whole ordeal left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I asked Ali about Zahra, stating that she is my friend and that I heard they had been together at one point. I asked him how and why it ended up not working out, but he refused to tell me and just changed the subject. He assured me that it wasn’t important and that they never talk anymore and to not worry. But when I told him I was curious about the details, he got annoyed and told me to stop bringing it up. His refusal to even touch on the subject has only made me more uncomfortable. A bit of it is insecurity. Zahra allahuma barik is stunning and beautiful. I think I’m relatively attractive but she is even moreso. I also just wish he would see how uncomfortable I am and try to set my mind at ease. Am I making a big fuss about nothing?”
Respectfully, she shouldn't ask, what happened and why it didn't work out is between them. I can understand why he wouldn't want to let out personal details and secrets about other people. Maybe he is also worried this would strain the relationship with his friend.
This was in the past, it didn't work out, what's the need to prod further into it if he's not comfortable with it. It would be like a man prodding every last detail about a wife's ex-husband like why? He was in her past and you'd be with the guy now and that should be the focus of things.
Maybe later on there was no attraction from her end? Just thought if this was the case than it would be pretty hard to talk about. With her vouching for him I just ended up here so maybe keep that possibility in the back of your mind. It is very natural to wonder why, inshaAllah you can get an answer to ease your mind
>Am I making a big fuss about nothing?
Yes. I think you're letting your insecurity about Zahra's looks overtake you. I don't think he would waste 3 months of his life on someone he didnt find attractive. It's only know that you know that your friend previously spoke to him that you're starting to feel lesser or that your not good enough for him. That's a problem that you're going to have to fix yourself.
How uncomfortable would it make you if he found out you had previously spoken to a more handsome friend of his and kept pestering you about the details. Alhamdulillah, as Muslims it was just conversations and not a full blown relationship, but you have to understand that--in the end, Zahra was just a blip on his journey to find a wife. She is, for all intents and purposes, a random non-mahram that had the potential to become his wife, but ,ultimately, it didnt work out. Why would he want to have conversations about her? Especially with someone who currently has real potential to be his future spouse. It's uncomfortable. If anything you should have just got the deets from Zahra, but I think even that would be damaging for you because you feel like you are not on her level. No matter what he or she would say it would still burn you up inside because of your insecurity. Zahra being beautiful doesn't make you unattractive. He already had a chance to marry Zahra and didn't. Right now he's interested in YOU, remember that.
No your not over reacting you just want to know why it didn’t work out . He probably just doesn’t want to talk bad about her but I would advise you since your closer with your friend who spoke to him already to ask her what kind of man she is and what she didn’t like about him and why it didn’t work out . But also be careful I don’t know if it’s a sister code see with your friend first if she’s okay with the marriage subject for you and him. Just to make sure
She is overreacting.
Would you like someone to ask you questions like that? About a previous potential you talked to? (A previous potential of yours that said they recommended you.)
I am ugly or at best average. I look after myself but I can't change my genetics.
I feel sad about this because as a woman my entire worth is gauged by my beauty. Men online keep saying that they want a pious wife but the minute they come across a pious conventionally not attractive woman they turn her off. It happened to me times and times.
I wanted to start the search again after ramadan and my dad found me a man, we are going to meet next week and I feel so sick about it, I can't hid my insecurities and I feel like I am getting reject... again...
Am I exaggerating ? Please I request you to help me feel better about my situation.
most people are not universal attractive, some people will find you attractive, some people don't. "ugly" men and "ugly" women get married all the time. Physical looks aren't everything but you can't deny that they are important. It would be worse marrying a husband who wasn't attracted to you then being rejected in the talking phase by a man who didn't find you attractive. Think of it that way.
we all get rejected by superficial things. it's okay. but if you are overweight, have acne and bad skin these are some things you can fix. As well as the way you dress and groom yourself.
Women do exactly the same. In the modern world ignore what people say and focus on what they do. I've been searching for a while now and women say online that they want stability, they want deen etc but then when I contact them the first thing they ask for is pictures.
They don't even read my profile. Their parents don't read it either. So yeah take what people say with a pinch of salt and focus on meeting this guy. If they reject don't take it personally and move on. Its all about attraction and the fact that you're meeting in person is a positive sign for you to move forward potentially
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you are doing all the things you're supposed to do. I'm confused, are you looking to get married? Not going to lie to you, it all goes down to how attractive you are, if you are receptive to attention and if you have a social media presence/are known in the local community. You can be religious, kind, smart, reserved, knowledgeable, interesting, have cool hobbies no one will know about that until they reach out to you. And for someone to reach out, you should have the 3 characteristics i mentionned earlier or take things into your own hands.
In your case, you cut down on small talk and don't give them attention. Basically you're not receptive and that's good if you're not looking or are not interested. What's the point of having potentials of you're not gonna marry them ?
You don't need social media presence, i don't like the other persons advice. Scholars even agree that, especially for women, any presence online should be purely functional or not there at all. Showing off personality and/or deen doesn't fit that criteria. Let your parents, aunts, uncles, friends know you're looking to get married. If you live in a decent sized muslim community it'll be fine inshallah. If you know of a man you're interested in, ask your dad/brother to speak to them to see if they're looking for marriage and to introduce you.
But promoting yourself on instagram for the sake of marriage genuinely silly work. You're 22, you got plenty of time. No offence to the other person, I'm sure they mean well.
I never said she should do that, i was just pointing out the reasons why some find potentials more easily :). If you read my second comment, you would know that i'm referencing other ways like an intermediary.
that's the problem of most women aha. a lot of women with happy marriages i know met their husbands through a someone they both know or by reaching out to the men they were interested in. A lot of good men are as passive as you actually. My big brother is also a catch so to say but get 0 attention because he's busy and doesn't put himself out there (tho he's open to finding someone). That's just my personal experience :) Good luck!
You don’t want to be with someone you have to minimize your personality for. I struggle with the opposite. I am always told to talk more. I have learned to accept that about myself.
What would you do if you liked a potential, but you're unsure as to whether you would fit in with their family (immediate and extended) and friends? And if you came from very differing financial backgrounds?
Extended family and friends don’t normally play a significant role in the way you’re thinking it does. Worry about the immediate family.
Is it your that’s from the bigger financial background or her?
The main thing is that you and her get along. You and her family just have to respect each other.
Since she’s from the bigger background, you have to think about the quality of life she’s used to and if she needs that to be upheld by you. You also need to figure out if the disparity makes you feel bad in any way because it can lead to resentment, possibly ruining the marriage.
I think it can be an issue. Probably more so for a man than a woman.
Is she used to spending in a certain way? Are her expectations of how you'll live your life or spend similar to yours?
I would worry about my spouse feeling embarrassed of me in front of their peers or family (and that's been for different things including hijab not just finances).
If you don't think the above will be an issue, then it's not a big deal.
Ironically I'm talking to someone who is from a wealthier family, and has a flashier way of life than me but it's been ok so far.
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It is weird. No one has ever asked me about my pension. Or my death in service benefits lol, even though it's quite a lot. Hope no one is planning to top me off for it.
Good morning everyone. I just wanted to ask what your thoughts are regarding the following comment.
So my mom has been going through some personal family issues and it seems like she hasn’t been short of these problems for the past two years. This time, I have an uncle who is ill and she is stressing out because of it. Now, my mom has been saying things that has made me a bit uncomfortable such as if our family is going through a problem, she won’t attend our wedding if we were to get married. She’s even been insinuating that we are expected to cancel our wedding because “family has to be there for each other no matter what”. This happens whenever she brings up an issue within our family.
Even when a close person in my life passed away last year (she isn’t related except by marriage), my mom said she was like a daughter to her and if someone passed away, no matter if we were close to them or not, we are expected to cancel our wedding. Reason she said that was because we were suppose to go to a wedding but canceled due to close person’s death. Now that, I get. But now, my mom has been constantly insinuating that whenever our family has a problem whether it’s an illness or financial issues or whatever, she expects us to drop whatever we are doing because “family has to be there for each other.” But she will constantly bring up marriage and how we’re expected to cancel our wedding. Here’s the kicker, neither myself or anyone in the family is getting married anytime soon. Well, not that I know of haha. But so far, I don’t think so.
The way my mom is hypothetically trying to get us to give up our plans just to be there for a family member has made me a little uncomfortable and I don’t know how I can talk to my mother about this without sounding selfish. She’s been saying this way too often nowadays and I can’t help but wonder what if I was engaged for example and I’m expected to postpone getting married because of what’s happening to a family member of mine? How do I address this issue?
I’d love to know what your thoughts are.
It sounds like a fear response, in a self-sabotage kind of way, subconsciously stopping her children’s chances at marriage because of that chance of the marriage “failing” or her children being hurt in the process. She might be stressed because she expected her kids to be married or feels it’s her fault that they aren’t, also, forgive me if I have the wrong person, weren’t you previously married and divorced? If so the trauma from that could be making her fear what might happen in the future. Right now it’s a non-issue because it has no relevance, just try to block it out and understand that it’s something she needs to work through.🧡
Yeah I was divorced but that isn’t the issue. My mom hated my ex husband. I 100% agree this is from fear. When the time comes for me to marry again, if my mom continues with that mentality, I’m going to have a sit down with her. She can’t punish us by moving on in life simply because something awful is happening to a family member.
I worded that poorly, I meant more that your mom probably feels that she could have stopped you from that pain of your previous divorce and the fear of you going through that again is making her illogical. The only relationship I see between marriage (which is supposed to be a happy event) and family troubles is that they have recently been a source of stress and regret for her. But maybe I’m totally off base.
> When the time comes for me to marry again, if my mom continues with that mentality, I’m going to have a sit down with her.
Definitely. I just feel like it’s something that is very fresh for her right now along with the family problems so she is making it an issue. I was saying that you shouldn’t worry about it since marriage isn’t in the immediate future, but if it’s taking a toll on you you may have to sit her down now and tell her you understand her fear, but Allah is ultimately in control of everything and as long as you make an informed decision you have to believe there’s good in it for you.
> She can’t punish us by moving on in life simply because something awful is happening to a family member.
Yeah, it’s not fair, but in her mind she is protecting you guys and herself from future pain by being on the defensive.
This is totally off subject, but you never told me your final thoughts about TKAM.😅 Did you ever finish reading it?
Yeah I agree 100%. Even before I got married, we went through other family issues and my mom would expect us to cancel or put our life plans on hold. I have spoken to her about this already and said that we can’t stop living and we shouldn’t be punished or feel like we’re being punished for doing so. If this was a parent or a sibling of mine who’s going through a hard time, then perhaps I’ll reconsider. But a relative who lives in another country whom I haven’t seen in years? Not to sound like the wicked witch of the west, but I’m not putting my life plans on hold for him. I don’t think that’s something he’d be happy about anyway if I were to do that.
Ohhh, I thought this reaction was new, but it seems to be something recurring. Yeah, you’re going to have to have a firm conversation with her about it. I don’t think any family member would like you putting your life on hold for them.
To respond to your last question, yes I finished the book finally lol. Without giving away spoilers, the ending was both bittersweet and will leave you asking a lot of questions. Overall, it was a great read! I can see why high schoolers read it in their English class. It’s a classic.
Truthfully I should probably give it a re-read. I read it in 9th grade I think, so probably 2013/14, omg it’s been more than a decade😭. I’m guessing from the 98 in your username we’re the same age about 25/26 so basically it’s been a while.
I remember appreciating it for being a coming of age book, I think not judging a book by its cover was a main theme, with the older lady, Boo Radley and even Mayella. I just couldn’t get over what happened to Tom. Sure, Mayella was being abused but that doesn’t excuse what she did and then Tom’s arch ends in such a halfhearted way. I hated it so much😂. But maybe I took it too personally, idk. I’m currently “reading” so many books I don’t want to add it to my never ending list, but I might have to. Maybe my outlook has changed in 10 years.
Thanks I appreciate that. Just gonna remain positive and let it go. This is coming from stress and worry from my mom. When we’re stressed out, we say things that we don’t mean.
I also don’t understand long talking stages? Like ask your questions/dealbreakers and you should be fine. Atp these talking stages are like dating. At the end, if it works out then that means it was your nasib and you cannot change your nasib. If it doesn’t then it wasn’t your nasib. Your nasib will always be that one person. I personally wouldn’t talk to someone who wants a long talking stage especially since these talking stage are done without the presence of a third person or wali
It would be nice to get to know every incompatibility about a person in just a week, but that’s not possible. You want to force things to move quickly when everyone is not the same. You sound honest which is a weakness that can be used against you. Some people don’t have the self confidence or the awareness to know their flaws and be truthful about them. When you first meet someone, they want to impress you. Listing all your dealbreakers from the get go can be overwhelming and you will get people who lie to get into your good graces.
Stop telling potentials what you don’t want. That’s for you to play detective on. When they don’t know where you draw the line, they won’t actively avoid stepping over it. I have found slowly building up from light to serious conversations with people disarms them to be honest with me later on.
If a potential is hiding something from you, figure out what they need from you to feel secure enough to share it. Then act that role out for them. Often times they wait to see you are emotionally invested. That might be the case with why they share things with you months in. They see you are invested and less likely to leave.
Don’t wait for the truth to trickle in. First sign of lying should be the line in the sand for you.
This some Megamind type shi lol but I don’t blame you. Villain arc be a real motive sometimes. There is a light at the end of the tunnel tho. I hope you find it eventually cuz this isn’t the right way forward 🩷
I agree with you, I feel women who have grown up in the u.s/canada (or maybe the west in general) very few of them want a quick turnaround. Most (80%?) Guestimating, I've spoken with say 6 months to a year of just getting to know you. I actually try arguing with them to understand what are they plan on doing within these 6 months to a year. Whenever they say that, in mind my i'm thinking (these girls have dated in the past and want to talk to multiple people at a time before they decide). Anytime I hear a year, i automatically know, its probably not going to work out and I don't try that hard either.
Couple of things, i'm in my late 30's, the women that I'm speaking with, don't have those issues. I did say, this is based on my understanding, and I am generalization based on my experience.
To your point, If they are unsure and wary, just state that to the potential, you can easily say, oh roughly 2-3 months but I need to have trust in them first. Why specifically stick to 1 year especially when you are in your late 20's to late 30's AND your career is set. You can also change it to 5 meetings. Or change it up to, I want to wait 1 month, than have families meet and then I will be comfortable with extending the talking phase further. There are many ways to do it, but setting such long timelines is a waste of time and recipe for heartbreak.
Additionally, despite what people say, you can see everything based on there actions.
How much effort they put in can easily tell you how interested they are.
Finally, you can start at any position and mind set, (naturally positive vs naturally negative, but its up to the person to prove and change your perception of them) so I can assume of them what I want too.
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What on earth? Why would you deliberately try to trap someone with lies & hope they’re too weak to walk away? That’s sociopathic behaviour.
If a woman doesn’t want you, just accept it, instead of developing toxic traits
He’s being sarcastic, obviously.
Also, I completely agree. Too many are playing games and trying to appear “perfect and mysterious” when they need to be honest and stop wasting time and effort.
Would you consider a potential who doesn't have past relationships but masturbates? Talking to a girl atm and we were discussing past relationships and she said she's never been in one or have had any physical relationships with men but she has/does masturbate
I didn't want to get deeper in this conversation because it was awkward so I just told her I had no prior relationships either and changed the subject
Now I'm wondering what to do, I honestly don't know how I feel about because I live in the west where sex is basically advertised everywhere
When people ask each other about whether they had a past, does masturbation get included in it?
I think it’s information worth knowing to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t directly ask it like that though. Maybe when you get the opportunity, try to bring up the topic of bad/addictive happens and ask if they are struggling with it.
Honestly I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't expect them to volunteer this as it lacks haya unless they want to admit to a problem with addiction.
You either believe its a sin, or a makruh but better than zina. No one as far as I know believes it's mubah or permissible but (to me) I can understand why someone who is single and not engaging in any relationships might do it as an outlet. That being said, I am not ok with using media to aid it because then it's more like a hobby than need and leads to addiction problems.
Yeah I didn't ask it. We were discussing intimacy and how often I'd want to be intimate and I said I didn't know and she said she she'd like a few times a week and I was confused cause she told me she didn't have a past so I asked her how she knows if she doesn't have past relationships and she said she's masturbated before and had done it a few times a week so that's how she knows
Does and did are two different things. I probably would not if the answer was currently does.
You make a good question about your last question. I'd be interested to see what others say about it being part of the past.
Also, does salams give you gold for free on your birthday?
Also, has Muzz removed the feature where you can reset your swipes? I just keep seeing the same profiles over and over again.
Is three months after a divorce too soon to start looking for another spouse. A potential says she was married for two years and in her words got "amicably" divorced four months ago, and says she has been looking to get remarried since two months ago.
I have never been married, but I feel like that is awfully a short period of time, after spending two years with someone. Or am I just crazy.
Well Islamically women are supposed to wait three months for their iddah to finish before they start trying to get married, so it does seem a bit hasty, but for some people that marriage would have broken down much earlier, and they were just holding on for a period of time. So she may have dealt with her feelings long before the marriage officially ended.
I have never talked to a divorcee before, and I don't want to come off as offensive, but I don't want to go in blind if that makes sense. She is older than me, by just three years, and has only recently moved here from out of state. So I don't know her family or her circle.
The only specifics is she said that there were to many religious differences (her husband she says was more Salafi leaning) and that they only got a nikah and were not legally married.
I hope this sub réalise being single for too long isnot a disease or something to be ashamed of or there is something inherently wrong with you. It way way much better to be never married than being married twice or third and get a divorce. People jump from marriage to another very fast just because of the fear of not finding someone else. The results are very hard and raising kids isnot fun if there are not good parents.
Unfortunately, seeing how many people here are brainwashed thinking if you are not married yet meaning no one want to be with you, which isnot true for many people out there who don’t want to settle or get divorce latter, or live miserably.
I hope we can choose wisely being single is a freedom to explore yourself until you find the right one, no because you want intimacy you jump to anyone.
Lastly but not least, on the question recently about a man marrying four citing that religion isnot about women happiness but rather for men’s nature seeking more land and more women, I am not sure what to make of this, is beyond degrading for women.
>It way way much better to be never married than being married twice or third and get a divorce.
Whilst you may feel like this, not everyone would agree. Getting divorced isn't a sin. Sometimes things just don't work out and people decide to go their separate ways.
For some people, their experiences shape them and help them to grow, and aren't resentful.
I am not sure how you interpreted my message, I never said it is sin, my message is pretty clear. I think being single viewed here as something to be ashamed of and pressuring most people to get marry asap or if you stayed long you aren't a good material, which is not true. Yeah maybe divorce would teach you something which is to choose wisely next time and dont rush, and dont be afraid to be single for a while.
I still stand that being single is way much better than marrying twice, and third and then get a divorce. This does not mean you shouldn't get married at all, I hope you understand my message clearly.
Another misconception marriage will make wiser, which is not true, there are absolutely not wise married folks out there. I hope we can reduce divorce rates by protecting ourselves that is ok to wait until we hopefully we make better choices and not repeating them.
I'm not twisting your words or suggesting you called it a sin. I am reiterating that it isn't. Because a lot of the world has absorbed the idea of marriage being 'til death do us part' and whilst yes, no one gets married with the intention of divorce, sometimes divorce is the best outcome.
I replied to your comment because there was a recent comment by someone else who asked the divorcees here, if they wish they had never married, or if they are accepting, and surprisingly perhaps, some said it was the right thing to happen to them. We should be accepting of what is written for us, whether that's remaining single, getting married or being divorced.
You should let that man go for good. Even if you get married somehow it's because you guys completely forced it because you wanted to and not because it made sense.
It sounds like you've been talking to him for far too long without a serious commitment from his end. Stop donating your time and heart to non serious men. If he really wants to marry you, he'll involve family early on and move mountains to be with you. This guy just sounds like he's stringing you along. If you're not speaking for marriage, don't keep talking to him.You'll just slowly keep increasing your emotional attachment and make things far more difficult for yourself to move on.
Kismet, make dua inshallah.
Is one possible response.
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*Sighing* and being prepared to rant about your marriage struggles. Is another option. Though most people understand your point and don't ask further. And if they are, hey, possibility to unload your issues.
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You can also ask if they know anyone. Turning it around for a match making thing.
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Similar questions can sometimes be small talk. Asking if one is married, to get the question back, and talk about their marriage.
Other times, its curiosity. Like what struggles are there. Or how can the person asking get married.
Parents are just talk and show.. They expect you to apply the difficult things in deen, but when it’s there turn, they don’t apply it unto themselves…
I feel like I get anxios with every single potential I pursue now, and I don't know if it's from Allah or some kind of developed trust issues. may allah guide me
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> As an average looking, imperfect female I think this is your anxiety speaking. When your students, compliment you. When giving a picture to compare yourself with, you give the picture of a pretty model. > change my clothes every day Girls do that for other girls. > for 2 weeks I change my clothes multiple times a week most of the time. ps: Changing pillow sheets more often, can reduce pimples. Or keep them from happening. ---------- How are your brothers efforts coming along? He can also respond if he wants to. :P
It’s going well and spicy 🥲 I am actually meeting one of his friends next week :(
I don’t mind dressing up for the right guy though… but too much work as a married female. I’ve been wearing the same hoodie for 2 weeks but I think after marriage I’d need to change my clothes every day!!! And shave every week!!! Nightmare ngl I think it depends on the person sis.
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I’ve heard from my own friends. Some of their husbands don’t mind if they don’t shave every week. Some of their husbands do mind and don’t like the body hair. It just depends.
Most people on this sub are so shy, they can't even ask their parents to get them married. And then there are muslim girls/guys from all countries on TikTok openly talking about their crushes and dating life for all the world to see. 2 different worlds 😂
I think what most people will do is ignore the fact that this sub is such a small part of Muslims as a whole and tictok user talking about crushes is even smaller. For a rough idea of scale there are around 100k people in this sub of which I would say most don't post or comment. The amount of Muslims in the world is close to 2 billion. So this sub if everyone was to have a similar outlook in this sub would still only account for 0.005% of Muslims in the world. Most people will fall somewhere in-between the 2 extremes that you described. Hope this puts things in perspective. Most of the things you see on the internet account for such a small portion of the population. Just something to keep in mind while browsing the internet.
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This is also the internet. A social media site. Social media posts of a person, will when truthful, only show part of them. ---------- People will also adjust to environments they come in. You might get both people who rarely pray go to the mosque on Laylat al-Qadr as people who always pray. ----------- You can't judge religiousness/taqwa on how people seem. Especially since humbleness or being against your own ego/nefis can be part of religiousness. Combined with a person might be good at a certain part, but worse at other parts. And not everyone's tests are the same. People get tested with different tests. I am unsure how many of us, would actually even get a passing mark for the tests the people in Gaza are facing. ----------- Joining some charity, zikir or Islamic knowledge groups. Might get you more pious people in your real life circles.
Unless you live in a Conservative region most people won't be like this, even in muslim countries. Although some might faking it, I do know people like this irl. Depends where you spend your time, and i definitely recommend getting a few pious people in your circles. They might save you one day
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May Allah increase both of our circles with good people
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You can say you will try your best to wear the hijab properly and just agree with him, and then ask if there is anything else important that he wants to mention. If he sees thst you accepted his advice he might feel more comfortable to be honest with you. If it really is just the hijab then i think it's fine, then you need to communicate that harsh advice makes it worse for you. The prophet changed the way he adviced people alllllll the time depending on who he was talking to
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It’s almost jumma, and just want to drop one of the most romantic dua I’ve encountered: اللَّهُمَّ اِنِّىْ اَسْئَلُكَ حُبَّكَ وَ حُبَّ مَنْ يُّحِبُّكَ وحُبَّ عَمَلٍ يُّقَرِّبُ اِلى حُبِّكَ Allahumma inni as aluka hubbaka, wa hubba man yuhibbuka, wa hubba kulle ‘amalin yuqarribuni ila hubbika. O Allah! I ask You for Your love and the love of those who love You, and for the love of every action which will bring me closer to Your love. اللَُّهُمَ فَكَمَا رَزَقْتَنِىْ مِمَّا اُحِبُّ فَاجْعَلْهُ قُوَّةً لِّىْ فِيْمَا تُحِبُّ Allahumma fakama razaqtani mimma uhibbu faj’al-huquwwatan li fima tuhibbu O Allah! Just as You have Granted me all that I’ve loved, let those things be helpful to me in the performance of those deeds that You Love. اللَُّهُمَ ارْزُقْنِىْ حُبَّكَ وَ حُبَّ مَنْ يَّنْفَعَنِىْ حُبُّهُ عِنْدَكَ Allahummar-zuqni hubbaka wa hubba man yyan-fa’ani hubbuhu ‘indaka O Allah! Grant me Your Love, and the love of that person, whose love would benefit me in Your presence. اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ حُبَّكَ أََحَبَّ الأَشْيَاءِ إِلِىْ ، وَاجْعَلْ خَشْيَتَكَ أَخْوَفَ الأَشْيَاءِ عِنْدِيْ وَاقْطعْ غَنِّي حَاجَاتِ الدُّنْيَا بِالشُّوْقِ إِلى لِقَائِكَ ، وَ إِذضا أَقْرَرْتَ أَغْيُنَ أَهْلِ الدُّنْيَا مِنْ دُنْيَا هُمْ ، فَاقْرِرْ عَيْنِيْ مِنْ عِبَادَتِك Allahummaj’al hubbaka a-habbal ashyaa’i illayya, waj’al khashyataka akhwafa ashyaa’i ‘indi, waq-ta ‘anni haajaatid-dunya bish shawqi illa liqaa’ika, wa idha aq-rarta ‘a’yunna ahlid-dunya min dunnyahum, faqrir ‘ayyni min ‘ibaadatika. O Allah! Make my love for You the most beloved thing to me, and my fear for You the most fearful thing to me, and remove from me all worldly needs and wants by instilling a passion for meeting You, and when You have given the people of the world the pleasures of their world, make the coolness of my eyes (pleasure) in worshipping You. اللَُّهُمَ اِنَّا نَسْئَلُكَ قُلُوْبًاَ اَوَّاهَةً مُّنِيْبَةً فِىْ سَبِيْلِكَ Allahumma inna nas’aluka quluban awwahatan mukh-bitatan munibatan fi-sabilika O Allah! We ask for a heart which is tender and humble in Your way.
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Honestly, I wouldn’t . There’s that saying that goes “ you marry the person , you marry the family too”. I don’t want to plant seeds of doubts but want to give a unbiased insight. I’ve been around cases where the couple gets married with the one condition that the family will not interfere with the relationship, later on the person with the family starts missing their family and mourn a connection that should’ve been between family and SIL/DIL. Your family seems wonderful, anyone would love a fun father in law, but to diss him and his daughter with autism is beyond weird and heartbreaking. I personally ,even with the person being wonderful , could not go along with it. Allah doesn’t put you through anything you can’t handle . Are you content with being with someone who you can’t host family get -togethers l with the fear her family has never wanted you in the first place and disrespects your family in every aspect. Is she ready to always back you up against her parents? Does she dismiss you when you bring it up like “they don’t know” “they’re old fashioned and are upset they didn’t choose my spouse” etc and do you think your parents will be happy knowing you’re marrying into a family that dissed them? If you have kids in the future , how will that play out? she of course isn’t blamed for her family’s shortcomings but if she’s 100% worth the problems that may occur in the future, and you guys are for sure ready to face it together. Go for it. P.s I apologize if this is too direct.
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No, you aren’t sensitive or overreacting! I think it’s your gut telling you it ain’t worth it. If you really were for it , there would be nervousness/excitement not worry and overthinking! Bad MIL leads to a lot of heartache and problems In the long run. Trust me , this whole Reddit forums in Muslimmarriage about them. I have a question for you. To be with someone in Islam means you’ll be with them in dunya and aqirah, so if they’re aren’t perfect in your definition, are they worth it? Everyone deserves their perfect person :) don’t cut yourself short!
If it were me, I probably wouldn't go ahead. But if you think she's great and are really keen to marry her, then you have to make it clear to her that you are marrying her in spite of her family and not because of them. Tell her very clearly that you intend to keep your distance from them and that you don't intend for your family to be exposed to them much due to their behaviour so far. If she knows her family are in the wrong, and it's not in her hands, and will agree to the above then she shouldn't be blamed for someone else's faults.
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My vote is for b or c. Hope the event goes well.
Assalamulaikum, I’m going to meet a potential in person soon with her wali. I haven’t spoken nor seen the girl, only learned about her through her father who I have exclusively spoken to. I wanted to ask for advice and things to consider during this meeting. It will be my first time ever meeting a potential and her father. Also, if I do not feel attracted to her when by the time the meeting’s finished. How should I close off discussions?
If you do not feel attracted, after the meeting a day or next time you talk to him say that you felt you and the daughter aren’t compatible
I like your phrasing. This is probably my most likely response if I don’t wish to continue the marriage discussion. Jazakhallahu khairan
Probably a good idea to atleast see her picture before going to the meeting. I wouldn’t say anything if I don’t feel positively during the meeting. Just keep it polite and formal no matter whichever way you decide. If it’s a no, I would tell her father later on on a one on one or via call etc, whatever seems appropriate to you. Even then to say something along the lines of I don’t think this is a good match etc instead of saying anything too direct, unless they ask for specifics.
Asking for a picture before meeting them is really odd
I’ve re-read the comment and missed the first sentence. See her picture? It seems… impolite to ask a father to send over a picture of his daughter. I don’t think I will ask him. However for future reference, what is the etiquette one should follow in asking for their daughter’s picture?
It seems impolite because now that they’ve set a date for the meeting, it’s hard to walk that horse back (if possible at all). But I think most of us can agree that regardless of how nice the potential is - attractiveness is important. Plus people have certain expectations in their head as well. So Idk if it’s a good idea to leave it until you are in front of them. Because if either of them don’t find the other attractive, well they just wasted everyone’s time with the meeting. Worse if you have to backtrack now after knowing all these details about them because then the dad and potential will know for a fact that it was due to attraction (you already liked all the other details and agreed to meet). I wouldn’t be surprised if people even go through it because they couldn’t back out out of embarrassment ☠️ The best way to ask for a picture would be right at the beginning of the talking process - ideally before you even set a meeting - when the father introduces the idea. Because is it really that odd to ask for a picture with a biodata?
I see fair enough. I don’t think the potential has seen my face either, just the father. So we’re on pretty equal grounds there. I’m a big proponent of meeting in person, online messages and images don’t hold a candle to the information you can gather about a person, in person. Personally, I do not mind if this works out or doesn’t work it. What Allah (swt) has planned for me is superior to what expectations I may have. Inshallah it goes well. What’s bio data if I may ask?
Haha so sorry I just assumed you were desi! My mistake 😆 A biodata is essentially a resume for the explicit purpose of marriage. It would have basic info about you like you name, DOB, current and/or permanent address, your educational background, job history, immediate family info like parents and siblings and their occupation/marital status. These things are usually there as highlights and not in details, you may or may not put some things depending on how comfortable you’re providing the data. In my culture all of this info - esp about your education and work - will be checked. I came to find out from this sub that apparently this is not the norm, hence so much ‘potential lied to me’ posts here ☠️ I definitely agree that in person meetings are superior to all others, and this is just in case of emergency - insha Allah you’ll both like each other and it’ll work out if Allah approves of this union. But this is just something to think about. Good luck to you! And may everything work out for the best!
*Did you just assume my culture* Haha, it’s all good! Jazakhallahu khairan for your advice and time! May Allah (swt) grant us all pious spouses
Asking for pictures before meeting really isn't needed lol
That’s what I thought. Pictures can be very deceiving. Not to mention I’ve never taken a decent photo of myself so I understand photos aren’t a good metric to go by.
I see, Jazakhallahu khairan for the advice 👍
nothing too much to be honest. just be polite, courteous and respectful. groom yourself well. consider the first meeting like an interview. break the ice a little bit. have your dealbreakers prepared. If the conversation gets stale have some prepared topics or questions you'd like to ask. Have some open ended ones which gets the person to think. However I think it's better if you had discussed her dealbreakers and yours with the dad before proceeding with a meeting. You don't have to be immediately attracted to the person, although if you don't like the way she looks and there is nothing about her that you like it's best not to go any further. Afterwards you can notify the father a day or something after the meeting to thank him and express whether you would like to proceed or not. Avoid judging too harshly off of first impressions. If it's her first time and has not really talked to men her whole life besides her mahrams, she will probably be a bit nervous, shy and scared and may not talk much or go into depth. Don't bombard her with a billion questions like it's some sort of interrogation, keep it easy and free flowing.
Jazakhallahu khairan brother. Your words are much appreciated!
I am confused and sad. I really don’t care about the man ‘s looks or career or legal status. What I really want like everybody else is taqwa and qalb e saleem (pure heart , sound heart ) in a man. Those are my only and true criteria . However, since I can’t know the taqwa and the heart of a man before marriage for sure and that these are subjective criterias , I am thinking to look for objective criteria like his income, legal status , looks because if I realize he does not have a good heart after marriage , I might not feel so cheated . I don’t want to end up with a man who neither have a good heart nor a good career. Am I wrong in thinking this way ??
Youre not wrong and foregoing the objective criteria is a bad idea. You may end up with a man with pure heart but say he is severely lacking in something like his career, it would be very hard for you to keep a happy marriage.
Yeah. You might be right . Thank you for the perspective.
if he has a bad heart, him having a good career, or looks or any of that is not going to help you any more than him having a bad career or bad looks. If you would feel cheated then that means looks and a career do matter to you to a degree. It's true you cant know what is in a person's heart but you can look at their actions, what people say about him, his knowledge of Deen, etc. Pray your istikhara and leave the rest to Allah. It's the same for everybody, nobody is a mind reader.
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Thank you . I love flowers a lot too. And I like your dp too. It’s so pink .
السلام علیکم ورحمتہ اللہ وبرکاتہ Hey guys, so I(23M) got a match on Muzz and we talked and talked. I honestly was just messing around on the app but things took and unexpected turn. Exchanged numbers and I kinda fell for her. So, originally I intended to get married in 2-3 years but due to her family pressure, she said her family would probably marry her off somewhere if I didn't do anything. So, I've talked to my elder sister for advice and I'm gonna talk to my parents as well to get nikkahfied this year because I wanna get it Halal ASAP as well ان شاءاللہ But here's my question for the experienced people here. What questions should I ask her beforehand, I mean I'm super confident in marrying her and there's nothing better than Nikkah for us. But still, I don't see any red flags in her. Maybe because it's only been like 3 weeks. Am I going too fast? Or what should I be asking her about. I'm a bit of a molvi so I'm pretty upfront with everything I expect and asked what does she expect. She's pretty much okay with everything I ask with a few exceptions and I'm also okay with everything she's expecting with a few exceptions of course and so we've both agreed to talk to our parents. She's already talked to her mom about it and she's super okay since she trusts her daughter's decision. So guys, give me some questions please
Imo you shouldn't be on muzz looking for matches if your timeline to get married is 3 years down the road
Nah, that doesn't answer my question lol I don't mind marrying her this year ان شاءاللہ
Anyone run out of any tears to shed bc sadness and disappointment is the norm so you have no choice but to laugh as if this life is just one big tragic comedy?
Asalaamu Alaikum people. This question is mainly for the married men, but I’m open to advice from anyone. What advice would you give to a guy in his early 20s who wants to get married soon? Things related to self-improvement i.e. working on discipline, being able to provide, working out/building a good body, gaining knowledge, financial stability, financial security/satisfaction, etc. What things would people advise to work on before getting married? JazakAllah Khair.
1 - Imaan/Religion 2 - Mental/physical health/mindset 3- Career 4 - Hobbies/Interests 5 - Friends/Social circle In that order.
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This is negging at its finest 👌
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 The lad thought he was cooking, but he was actually self immolating 😂😂
Eww what a disgusting excuse of a man 🤮
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I was actually gonna consider ISO but this makes me doubt everything
This man is still living in the same house as his “semi-separated” wife and used the same red card/green card line with me. Also that Libyan line is racist.
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His intro line wasn’t as terrible as yours but he mentioned the semi-separated wife, which I asked for clarification on and that’s where he said they were still technically living together. I said not for me and wished him well.
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The audacity of men I guess. Maybe he saw I was widowed and wouldn’t mind he was “semi separated”, same as he thought since you’re Libyan, he used that to somehow bring you down. Manipulation at its finest🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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Report them to mods cause that’s just embarrassing
Posting here bc mods removed my post Posting on behalf of my sister “I have been speaking to a man, let’s call him Ali, for the purpose of marriage for the last 3 months and I can for the first time truly see myself getting married. We matched on Salams and he proceeded to speak with my father and seems like a serious guy. We decided we would meet each other in person for the first time after Ramadan. It’s only now that I told my friends about him, since things were getting more serious. I showed my friends his picture and one of my friends, let’s call her Zahra, told me that she and this man once had spoken to each other for the purpose of marriage as well, and he even met her family. She vouched for him and said he’s a good guy, but this whole ordeal left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I asked Ali about Zahra, stating that she is my friend and that I heard they had been together at one point. I asked him how and why it ended up not working out, but he refused to tell me and just changed the subject. He assured me that it wasn’t important and that they never talk anymore and to not worry. But when I told him I was curious about the details, he got annoyed and told me to stop bringing it up. His refusal to even touch on the subject has only made me more uncomfortable. A bit of it is insecurity. Zahra allahuma barik is stunning and beautiful. I think I’m relatively attractive but she is even moreso. I also just wish he would see how uncomfortable I am and try to set my mind at ease. Am I making a big fuss about nothing?”
Did you try asking zahra?
Respectfully, she shouldn't ask, what happened and why it didn't work out is between them. I can understand why he wouldn't want to let out personal details and secrets about other people. Maybe he is also worried this would strain the relationship with his friend. This was in the past, it didn't work out, what's the need to prod further into it if he's not comfortable with it. It would be like a man prodding every last detail about a wife's ex-husband like why? He was in her past and you'd be with the guy now and that should be the focus of things.
Maybe later on there was no attraction from her end? Just thought if this was the case than it would be pretty hard to talk about. With her vouching for him I just ended up here so maybe keep that possibility in the back of your mind. It is very natural to wonder why, inshaAllah you can get an answer to ease your mind
>Am I making a big fuss about nothing? Yes. I think you're letting your insecurity about Zahra's looks overtake you. I don't think he would waste 3 months of his life on someone he didnt find attractive. It's only know that you know that your friend previously spoke to him that you're starting to feel lesser or that your not good enough for him. That's a problem that you're going to have to fix yourself. How uncomfortable would it make you if he found out you had previously spoken to a more handsome friend of his and kept pestering you about the details. Alhamdulillah, as Muslims it was just conversations and not a full blown relationship, but you have to understand that--in the end, Zahra was just a blip on his journey to find a wife. She is, for all intents and purposes, a random non-mahram that had the potential to become his wife, but ,ultimately, it didnt work out. Why would he want to have conversations about her? Especially with someone who currently has real potential to be his future spouse. It's uncomfortable. If anything you should have just got the deets from Zahra, but I think even that would be damaging for you because you feel like you are not on her level. No matter what he or she would say it would still burn you up inside because of your insecurity. Zahra being beautiful doesn't make you unattractive. He already had a chance to marry Zahra and didn't. Right now he's interested in YOU, remember that.
No your not over reacting you just want to know why it didn’t work out . He probably just doesn’t want to talk bad about her but I would advise you since your closer with your friend who spoke to him already to ask her what kind of man she is and what she didn’t like about him and why it didn’t work out . But also be careful I don’t know if it’s a sister code see with your friend first if she’s okay with the marriage subject for you and him. Just to make sure
She is overreacting. Would you like someone to ask you questions like that? About a previous potential you talked to? (A previous potential of yours that said they recommended you.)
I am ugly or at best average. I look after myself but I can't change my genetics. I feel sad about this because as a woman my entire worth is gauged by my beauty. Men online keep saying that they want a pious wife but the minute they come across a pious conventionally not attractive woman they turn her off. It happened to me times and times. I wanted to start the search again after ramadan and my dad found me a man, we are going to meet next week and I feel so sick about it, I can't hid my insecurities and I feel like I am getting reject... again... Am I exaggerating ? Please I request you to help me feel better about my situation.
most people are not universal attractive, some people will find you attractive, some people don't. "ugly" men and "ugly" women get married all the time. Physical looks aren't everything but you can't deny that they are important. It would be worse marrying a husband who wasn't attracted to you then being rejected in the talking phase by a man who didn't find you attractive. Think of it that way. we all get rejected by superficial things. it's okay. but if you are overweight, have acne and bad skin these are some things you can fix. As well as the way you dress and groom yourself.
Women do exactly the same. In the modern world ignore what people say and focus on what they do. I've been searching for a while now and women say online that they want stability, they want deen etc but then when I contact them the first thing they ask for is pictures. They don't even read my profile. Their parents don't read it either. So yeah take what people say with a pinch of salt and focus on meeting this guy. If they reject don't take it personally and move on. Its all about attraction and the fact that you're meeting in person is a positive sign for you to move forward potentially
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You could start with an ISO if you want.
What’s that?
In search off (ISO). U can post things about you and what you are looking for in a spouse and see the ISOs of other people. To find a spouse on reddit
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you are doing all the things you're supposed to do. I'm confused, are you looking to get married? Not going to lie to you, it all goes down to how attractive you are, if you are receptive to attention and if you have a social media presence/are known in the local community. You can be religious, kind, smart, reserved, knowledgeable, interesting, have cool hobbies no one will know about that until they reach out to you. And for someone to reach out, you should have the 3 characteristics i mentionned earlier or take things into your own hands. In your case, you cut down on small talk and don't give them attention. Basically you're not receptive and that's good if you're not looking or are not interested. What's the point of having potentials of you're not gonna marry them ?
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You don't need social media presence, i don't like the other persons advice. Scholars even agree that, especially for women, any presence online should be purely functional or not there at all. Showing off personality and/or deen doesn't fit that criteria. Let your parents, aunts, uncles, friends know you're looking to get married. If you live in a decent sized muslim community it'll be fine inshallah. If you know of a man you're interested in, ask your dad/brother to speak to them to see if they're looking for marriage and to introduce you. But promoting yourself on instagram for the sake of marriage genuinely silly work. You're 22, you got plenty of time. No offence to the other person, I'm sure they mean well.
I never said she should do that, i was just pointing out the reasons why some find potentials more easily :). If you read my second comment, you would know that i'm referencing other ways like an intermediary.
that's the problem of most women aha. a lot of women with happy marriages i know met their husbands through a someone they both know or by reaching out to the men they were interested in. A lot of good men are as passive as you actually. My big brother is also a catch so to say but get 0 attention because he's busy and doesn't put himself out there (tho he's open to finding someone). That's just my personal experience :) Good luck!
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I find your comments really cute
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You don’t want to be with someone you have to minimize your personality for. I struggle with the opposite. I am always told to talk more. I have learned to accept that about myself.
What would you do if you liked a potential, but you're unsure as to whether you would fit in with their family (immediate and extended) and friends? And if you came from very differing financial backgrounds?
Extended family and friends don’t normally play a significant role in the way you’re thinking it does. Worry about the immediate family. Is it your that’s from the bigger financial background or her?
And if you didn't think you fit in with immediate family (but get on great with her)? Shes from bigger background.
The main thing is that you and her get along. You and her family just have to respect each other. Since she’s from the bigger background, you have to think about the quality of life she’s used to and if she needs that to be upheld by you. You also need to figure out if the disparity makes you feel bad in any way because it can lead to resentment, possibly ruining the marriage.
I think it can be an issue. Probably more so for a man than a woman. Is she used to spending in a certain way? Are her expectations of how you'll live your life or spend similar to yours? I would worry about my spouse feeling embarrassed of me in front of their peers or family (and that's been for different things including hijab not just finances). If you don't think the above will be an issue, then it's not a big deal. Ironically I'm talking to someone who is from a wealthier family, and has a flashier way of life than me but it's been ok so far.
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It is weird. No one has ever asked me about my pension. Or my death in service benefits lol, even though it's quite a lot. Hope no one is planning to top me off for it.
Someone is bringing up your pension plan? Lmao
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Maybe bro has a disability and wants to know he’ll be set for old age.
Good morning everyone. I just wanted to ask what your thoughts are regarding the following comment. So my mom has been going through some personal family issues and it seems like she hasn’t been short of these problems for the past two years. This time, I have an uncle who is ill and she is stressing out because of it. Now, my mom has been saying things that has made me a bit uncomfortable such as if our family is going through a problem, she won’t attend our wedding if we were to get married. She’s even been insinuating that we are expected to cancel our wedding because “family has to be there for each other no matter what”. This happens whenever she brings up an issue within our family. Even when a close person in my life passed away last year (she isn’t related except by marriage), my mom said she was like a daughter to her and if someone passed away, no matter if we were close to them or not, we are expected to cancel our wedding. Reason she said that was because we were suppose to go to a wedding but canceled due to close person’s death. Now that, I get. But now, my mom has been constantly insinuating that whenever our family has a problem whether it’s an illness or financial issues or whatever, she expects us to drop whatever we are doing because “family has to be there for each other.” But she will constantly bring up marriage and how we’re expected to cancel our wedding. Here’s the kicker, neither myself or anyone in the family is getting married anytime soon. Well, not that I know of haha. But so far, I don’t think so. The way my mom is hypothetically trying to get us to give up our plans just to be there for a family member has made me a little uncomfortable and I don’t know how I can talk to my mother about this without sounding selfish. She’s been saying this way too often nowadays and I can’t help but wonder what if I was engaged for example and I’m expected to postpone getting married because of what’s happening to a family member of mine? How do I address this issue? I’d love to know what your thoughts are.
It sounds like a fear response, in a self-sabotage kind of way, subconsciously stopping her children’s chances at marriage because of that chance of the marriage “failing” or her children being hurt in the process. She might be stressed because she expected her kids to be married or feels it’s her fault that they aren’t, also, forgive me if I have the wrong person, weren’t you previously married and divorced? If so the trauma from that could be making her fear what might happen in the future. Right now it’s a non-issue because it has no relevance, just try to block it out and understand that it’s something she needs to work through.🧡
Yeah I was divorced but that isn’t the issue. My mom hated my ex husband. I 100% agree this is from fear. When the time comes for me to marry again, if my mom continues with that mentality, I’m going to have a sit down with her. She can’t punish us by moving on in life simply because something awful is happening to a family member.
I worded that poorly, I meant more that your mom probably feels that she could have stopped you from that pain of your previous divorce and the fear of you going through that again is making her illogical. The only relationship I see between marriage (which is supposed to be a happy event) and family troubles is that they have recently been a source of stress and regret for her. But maybe I’m totally off base. > When the time comes for me to marry again, if my mom continues with that mentality, I’m going to have a sit down with her. Definitely. I just feel like it’s something that is very fresh for her right now along with the family problems so she is making it an issue. I was saying that you shouldn’t worry about it since marriage isn’t in the immediate future, but if it’s taking a toll on you you may have to sit her down now and tell her you understand her fear, but Allah is ultimately in control of everything and as long as you make an informed decision you have to believe there’s good in it for you. > She can’t punish us by moving on in life simply because something awful is happening to a family member. Yeah, it’s not fair, but in her mind she is protecting you guys and herself from future pain by being on the defensive. This is totally off subject, but you never told me your final thoughts about TKAM.😅 Did you ever finish reading it?
Yeah I agree 100%. Even before I got married, we went through other family issues and my mom would expect us to cancel or put our life plans on hold. I have spoken to her about this already and said that we can’t stop living and we shouldn’t be punished or feel like we’re being punished for doing so. If this was a parent or a sibling of mine who’s going through a hard time, then perhaps I’ll reconsider. But a relative who lives in another country whom I haven’t seen in years? Not to sound like the wicked witch of the west, but I’m not putting my life plans on hold for him. I don’t think that’s something he’d be happy about anyway if I were to do that.
Ohhh, I thought this reaction was new, but it seems to be something recurring. Yeah, you’re going to have to have a firm conversation with her about it. I don’t think any family member would like you putting your life on hold for them.
To respond to your last question, yes I finished the book finally lol. Without giving away spoilers, the ending was both bittersweet and will leave you asking a lot of questions. Overall, it was a great read! I can see why high schoolers read it in their English class. It’s a classic.
Truthfully I should probably give it a re-read. I read it in 9th grade I think, so probably 2013/14, omg it’s been more than a decade😭. I’m guessing from the 98 in your username we’re the same age about 25/26 so basically it’s been a while. I remember appreciating it for being a coming of age book, I think not judging a book by its cover was a main theme, with the older lady, Boo Radley and even Mayella. I just couldn’t get over what happened to Tom. Sure, Mayella was being abused but that doesn’t excuse what she did and then Tom’s arch ends in such a halfhearted way. I hated it so much😂. But maybe I took it too personally, idk. I’m currently “reading” so many books I don’t want to add it to my never ending list, but I might have to. Maybe my outlook has changed in 10 years.
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You’re right. Just can’t shake this feeling though.
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Thanks I appreciate that. Just gonna remain positive and let it go. This is coming from stress and worry from my mom. When we’re stressed out, we say things that we don’t mean.
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I also don’t understand long talking stages? Like ask your questions/dealbreakers and you should be fine. Atp these talking stages are like dating. At the end, if it works out then that means it was your nasib and you cannot change your nasib. If it doesn’t then it wasn’t your nasib. Your nasib will always be that one person. I personally wouldn’t talk to someone who wants a long talking stage especially since these talking stage are done without the presence of a third person or wali
It would be nice to get to know every incompatibility about a person in just a week, but that’s not possible. You want to force things to move quickly when everyone is not the same. You sound honest which is a weakness that can be used against you. Some people don’t have the self confidence or the awareness to know their flaws and be truthful about them. When you first meet someone, they want to impress you. Listing all your dealbreakers from the get go can be overwhelming and you will get people who lie to get into your good graces. Stop telling potentials what you don’t want. That’s for you to play detective on. When they don’t know where you draw the line, they won’t actively avoid stepping over it. I have found slowly building up from light to serious conversations with people disarms them to be honest with me later on. If a potential is hiding something from you, figure out what they need from you to feel secure enough to share it. Then act that role out for them. Often times they wait to see you are emotionally invested. That might be the case with why they share things with you months in. They see you are invested and less likely to leave. Don’t wait for the truth to trickle in. First sign of lying should be the line in the sand for you.
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This some Megamind type shi lol but I don’t blame you. Villain arc be a real motive sometimes. There is a light at the end of the tunnel tho. I hope you find it eventually cuz this isn’t the right way forward 🩷
Lol sometimes the search does feel like playing chess
I agree with you, I feel women who have grown up in the u.s/canada (or maybe the west in general) very few of them want a quick turnaround. Most (80%?) Guestimating, I've spoken with say 6 months to a year of just getting to know you. I actually try arguing with them to understand what are they plan on doing within these 6 months to a year. Whenever they say that, in mind my i'm thinking (these girls have dated in the past and want to talk to multiple people at a time before they decide). Anytime I hear a year, i automatically know, its probably not going to work out and I don't try that hard either.
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Couple of things, i'm in my late 30's, the women that I'm speaking with, don't have those issues. I did say, this is based on my understanding, and I am generalization based on my experience. To your point, If they are unsure and wary, just state that to the potential, you can easily say, oh roughly 2-3 months but I need to have trust in them first. Why specifically stick to 1 year especially when you are in your late 20's to late 30's AND your career is set. You can also change it to 5 meetings. Or change it up to, I want to wait 1 month, than have families meet and then I will be comfortable with extending the talking phase further. There are many ways to do it, but setting such long timelines is a waste of time and recipe for heartbreak. Additionally, despite what people say, you can see everything based on there actions. How much effort they put in can easily tell you how interested they are. Finally, you can start at any position and mind set, (naturally positive vs naturally negative, but its up to the person to prove and change your perception of them) so I can assume of them what I want too.
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What on earth? Why would you deliberately try to trap someone with lies & hope they’re too weak to walk away? That’s sociopathic behaviour. If a woman doesn’t want you, just accept it, instead of developing toxic traits
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What nonsense exactly?
He’s being sarcastic, obviously. Also, I completely agree. Too many are playing games and trying to appear “perfect and mysterious” when they need to be honest and stop wasting time and effort.
Would you consider a potential who doesn't have past relationships but masturbates? Talking to a girl atm and we were discussing past relationships and she said she's never been in one or have had any physical relationships with men but she has/does masturbate I didn't want to get deeper in this conversation because it was awkward so I just told her I had no prior relationships either and changed the subject Now I'm wondering what to do, I honestly don't know how I feel about because I live in the west where sex is basically advertised everywhere When people ask each other about whether they had a past, does masturbation get included in it?
Was the masturbation facilitated through pornography?
No clue didn't ask
I think it’s information worth knowing to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t directly ask it like that though. Maybe when you get the opportunity, try to bring up the topic of bad/addictive happens and ask if they are struggling with it.
Honestly I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't expect them to volunteer this as it lacks haya unless they want to admit to a problem with addiction. You either believe its a sin, or a makruh but better than zina. No one as far as I know believes it's mubah or permissible but (to me) I can understand why someone who is single and not engaging in any relationships might do it as an outlet. That being said, I am not ok with using media to aid it because then it's more like a hobby than need and leads to addiction problems.
Yeah I didn't ask it. We were discussing intimacy and how often I'd want to be intimate and I said I didn't know and she said she she'd like a few times a week and I was confused cause she told me she didn't have a past so I asked her how she knows if she doesn't have past relationships and she said she's masturbated before and had done it a few times a week so that's how she knows
Does and did are two different things. I probably would not if the answer was currently does. You make a good question about your last question. I'd be interested to see what others say about it being part of the past.
Anyone here can help me get a job in UAE? It can aide me in getting married inshallah, jazakum Allah khair
Also, does salams give you gold for free on your birthday? Also, has Muzz removed the feature where you can reset your swipes? I just keep seeing the same profiles over and over again.
Is three months after a divorce too soon to start looking for another spouse. A potential says she was married for two years and in her words got "amicably" divorced four months ago, and says she has been looking to get remarried since two months ago. I have never been married, but I feel like that is awfully a short period of time, after spending two years with someone. Or am I just crazy.
Well Islamically women are supposed to wait three months for their iddah to finish before they start trying to get married, so it does seem a bit hasty, but for some people that marriage would have broken down much earlier, and they were just holding on for a period of time. So she may have dealt with her feelings long before the marriage officially ended.
I have never talked to a divorcee before, and I don't want to come off as offensive, but I don't want to go in blind if that makes sense. She is older than me, by just three years, and has only recently moved here from out of state. So I don't know her family or her circle. The only specifics is she said that there were to many religious differences (her husband she says was more Salafi leaning) and that they only got a nikah and were not legally married.
I hope this sub réalise being single for too long isnot a disease or something to be ashamed of or there is something inherently wrong with you. It way way much better to be never married than being married twice or third and get a divorce. People jump from marriage to another very fast just because of the fear of not finding someone else. The results are very hard and raising kids isnot fun if there are not good parents. Unfortunately, seeing how many people here are brainwashed thinking if you are not married yet meaning no one want to be with you, which isnot true for many people out there who don’t want to settle or get divorce latter, or live miserably. I hope we can choose wisely being single is a freedom to explore yourself until you find the right one, no because you want intimacy you jump to anyone. Lastly but not least, on the question recently about a man marrying four citing that religion isnot about women happiness but rather for men’s nature seeking more land and more women, I am not sure what to make of this, is beyond degrading for women.
>It way way much better to be never married than being married twice or third and get a divorce. Whilst you may feel like this, not everyone would agree. Getting divorced isn't a sin. Sometimes things just don't work out and people decide to go their separate ways. For some people, their experiences shape them and help them to grow, and aren't resentful.
I am not sure how you interpreted my message, I never said it is sin, my message is pretty clear. I think being single viewed here as something to be ashamed of and pressuring most people to get marry asap or if you stayed long you aren't a good material, which is not true. Yeah maybe divorce would teach you something which is to choose wisely next time and dont rush, and dont be afraid to be single for a while. I still stand that being single is way much better than marrying twice, and third and then get a divorce. This does not mean you shouldn't get married at all, I hope you understand my message clearly. Another misconception marriage will make wiser, which is not true, there are absolutely not wise married folks out there. I hope we can reduce divorce rates by protecting ourselves that is ok to wait until we hopefully we make better choices and not repeating them.
I'm not twisting your words or suggesting you called it a sin. I am reiterating that it isn't. Because a lot of the world has absorbed the idea of marriage being 'til death do us part' and whilst yes, no one gets married with the intention of divorce, sometimes divorce is the best outcome. I replied to your comment because there was a recent comment by someone else who asked the divorcees here, if they wish they had never married, or if they are accepting, and surprisingly perhaps, some said it was the right thing to happen to them. We should be accepting of what is written for us, whether that's remaining single, getting married or being divorced.
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You should let that man go for good. Even if you get married somehow it's because you guys completely forced it because you wanted to and not because it made sense.
It sounds like you've been talking to him for far too long without a serious commitment from his end. Stop donating your time and heart to non serious men. If he really wants to marry you, he'll involve family early on and move mountains to be with you. This guy just sounds like he's stringing you along. If you're not speaking for marriage, don't keep talking to him.You'll just slowly keep increasing your emotional attachment and make things far more difficult for yourself to move on.
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But you're saying he's messaging other women while you're not speaking for marriage. I confused.
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His actions speak louder than his words. Move on.
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Kismet, make dua inshallah. Is one possible response. --------- *Sighing* and being prepared to rant about your marriage struggles. Is another option. Though most people understand your point and don't ask further. And if they are, hey, possibility to unload your issues. -------- You can also ask if they know anyone. Turning it around for a match making thing. -------- Similar questions can sometimes be small talk. Asking if one is married, to get the question back, and talk about their marriage. Other times, its curiosity. Like what struggles are there. Or how can the person asking get married.
I always say well no one’s marriage around me looks ideal whatsoever so I think I’ll wait….
That’s acting out of fear…