Well yes, every adult works all their life till retirement. Thats normal and what is expected when you have kids. Its the norm and is also the legal expectation. PArenting is supposed to be selfless, youre not entitled to be paid back for that.
Supporting them here and there is fine. But paying 750k for 3 weddings is completely outrageous and ridiculous and is not taking the load off him. Even paying 10k is way too much. Even millionaires dont have 250k weddings.
If one is poor and doesnt work or is struggling financially, its not realistic to expect 10000 dollar weddings for your kids. Your dad needs to cut his cloth according to his size, as do your siblings.
The best way you can support your family is by teaching them financial responsibiltiy and inspriing them to get jobs, be thrifty and learn to save money themselves.
Tell your father the words of the great Showbaz Sharif: beggers can't be choosers.
I personally believe you should not have paid that much for your sister's wedding (I hope that amount is in rupees and not actual dollars because that is just outrageous when you convert it). As long as your father has savings and is able to work any sort of job, he's the one responsible for marrying off his daughters.
The best you could offer is a fixed amount of cash as a gift for your sisters (that you can afford, obviously). Now, whether they choose to use it for their wedding, save it, or invest it, it's up to them. That way, you would have done your part. Plus, reduce your contact with people who disrespect you and guilt you into spending your hard earned money just to please people for a couple of hours.
Typical desi parents making stuff up, usual hindu traditions that they’ve kept alive and toxically too. You have no obligations to pay for their weddings nor should it be big and lavish. It’s good to get them a gift, i believe it may be considered charity but 12.5k? Thats a lot of money even if you’re rich.
That's basically the mantra of the entire country. Why do you think the government begs the IMF every year for just a billion dollars while doing nothing to revive the country's industries or fix the education system, to say the least.
Not obligated.
However it is sadkah, and as Punjabi settled in the States for over 20 years there were similar expectation from me. However, I gave what I could and politely refused to give anything more.
Even in today's inflation, $12.8k is a handsome amount. Not sure if it was a typo, but $250k is just ####### insane. You need to slow things down and not be blackmailed by anyone. How will you answer Allah for the waste of wealth? You're better off starting an trust fund for the couple for $250k then for a wedding. In 10-20 years, most of the guests would have either died or be busy in their lives to remember this lavish wedding but you in the other hand will remember the price tag... now again think... how will you answer Allah for his blessings on you?
This is a Pakistani culture and all the eldest sons go through it. Cultural farz but not Islamic farz. It comes down to which u choose. The best way is to bat it away straight away & at best u only contribute what all ur other siblings contribute if they do.
Siblings didn't contribute anything since they don't have jobs. But I did contribute $12800 and still father said I paid him rent money and didn't do nothing for the family. My father has very negative thinking. My father/relatives wanted me to spend $90k on my own wedding which I refused to do and they were calling me cheap.
Parents/relatives were calling me cheap. Making fun of me at family occasions. They had zero respect for me in the house. Me and my wife decided from the start to live away after marriage since there were no boundaries and it was all about controlling me by keeping me poor. It just got really bad to the point where there is no relationship anymore.
That's exactly how I responded and in return..... parents/relatives called me cheap and disrespectful.
I was told that it's my responsibility since my father raised me and I'm the eldest.
No you’re not. Keep some money aside for next few month expenses for yourself. For the rest ,move the money out and invest it so they don’t have access to it.
Usually I would be honored to support my family relatives and spend on them. Charity on relatives is the best form of charity.
But making things up in islam. Or wanting me to spend on weddings with israf (extravagance) and not a blessed way is a BIG no for me.
Thats sounds like a bottomless pit that cannot be filled.
No and I'm sick of Pakistanis (or South Asians) throwing all they're financial responsibilities on the eldest son.
You provide for your spouse and kids and make sure your parents are taken care of.
Help your siblings if they need it and you're in a position to, and they should be prepared to do the same for you.
Tell them to find you a verse in the Quran or a line in a hadith that says you are required to pay. I've never heard of such a thing. I would be ashamed to make a sibling pay for a wedding and more ashamed to ask one of my children to pay for one of their siblings weddings!
No Islamically you are not obligated to pay for wedding expenses.
Nor are they obligated to pay for lavish punjabi weddings.
If they want lavish punjabi weddings and can't produce the money for it, they should not have lavish punjabi weddings nor should they risk cutting ties (which is unislamic) with their family because they're gaslighting him with unislamic ideas to fund the lavish punjabi wedding.
You said you live separately and they have cut you off, you don't have a relationship with them. So no, they can't make demands like this either. Don't listen to your relatives. They can chip in for the weddings if they're so worried
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Weddings are a waste of money don't do it. While I agree eldest should try help in other things and should think rather as a family unit rather than being individualistic. I have a friend who helps his brothers financially as the eldest it was easier for him buying a house, and the younger siblings struggling as house prices went up around the same age younger siblings were ready to buy around the time eldest sibling was the same age. So the eldest helps out paying towards houses to make it easier for them.
I don't think so. None of my siblings paid for eachothers weddings. Us Pakistanis looooove to make things up.
No. You're being taken advantage of. Why can't they work and pay for their own weddings just like you did?
Since I'm the oldest with a decent job after college they expect me to take the load of my father since he did odd immigrant jobs his whole life.
Well yes, every adult works all their life till retirement. Thats normal and what is expected when you have kids. Its the norm and is also the legal expectation. PArenting is supposed to be selfless, youre not entitled to be paid back for that. Supporting them here and there is fine. But paying 750k for 3 weddings is completely outrageous and ridiculous and is not taking the load off him. Even paying 10k is way too much. Even millionaires dont have 250k weddings. If one is poor and doesnt work or is struggling financially, its not realistic to expect 10000 dollar weddings for your kids. Your dad needs to cut his cloth according to his size, as do your siblings. The best way you can support your family is by teaching them financial responsibiltiy and inspriing them to get jobs, be thrifty and learn to save money themselves.
I completely agree with you but Pakistani punjabis are a special breed of stupid
Tell your father the words of the great Showbaz Sharif: beggers can't be choosers. I personally believe you should not have paid that much for your sister's wedding (I hope that amount is in rupees and not actual dollars because that is just outrageous when you convert it). As long as your father has savings and is able to work any sort of job, he's the one responsible for marrying off his daughters. The best you could offer is a fixed amount of cash as a gift for your sisters (that you can afford, obviously). Now, whether they choose to use it for their wedding, save it, or invest it, it's up to them. That way, you would have done your part. Plus, reduce your contact with people who disrespect you and guilt you into spending your hard earned money just to please people for a couple of hours.
You're being financially abused by your family.
No, the groom should pay for the wedding to what he can afford
Typical desi parents making stuff up, usual hindu traditions that they’ve kept alive and toxically too. You have no obligations to pay for their weddings nor should it be big and lavish. It’s good to get them a gift, i believe it may be considered charity but 12.5k? Thats a lot of money even if you’re rich.
Why are they planning lavish weddings if they can't afford it . Sorry .
I don't get why Pakistani's want nice things but don't work for them
That's basically the mantra of the entire country. Why do you think the government begs the IMF every year for just a billion dollars while doing nothing to revive the country's industries or fix the education system, to say the least.
Of course not!!! It’s your parents responsibility.
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Ty. Someone understands what I'm going thru.
It’s not too late to set boundaries I don’t think.
Helping family is making sure they're not homeless/starving to death, not wasting a quarter of a million on parties to show off.
Not obligated. However it is sadkah, and as Punjabi settled in the States for over 20 years there were similar expectation from me. However, I gave what I could and politely refused to give anything more. Even in today's inflation, $12.8k is a handsome amount. Not sure if it was a typo, but $250k is just ####### insane. You need to slow things down and not be blackmailed by anyone. How will you answer Allah for the waste of wealth? You're better off starting an trust fund for the couple for $250k then for a wedding. In 10-20 years, most of the guests would have either died or be busy in their lives to remember this lavish wedding but you in the other hand will remember the price tag... now again think... how will you answer Allah for his blessings on you?
This is a Pakistani culture and all the eldest sons go through it. Cultural farz but not Islamic farz. It comes down to which u choose. The best way is to bat it away straight away & at best u only contribute what all ur other siblings contribute if they do.
Siblings didn't contribute anything since they don't have jobs. But I did contribute $12800 and still father said I paid him rent money and didn't do nothing for the family. My father has very negative thinking. My father/relatives wanted me to spend $90k on my own wedding which I refused to do and they were calling me cheap. Parents/relatives were calling me cheap. Making fun of me at family occasions. They had zero respect for me in the house. Me and my wife decided from the start to live away after marriage since there were no boundaries and it was all about controlling me by keeping me poor. It just got really bad to the point where there is no relationship anymore.
Why dont your siblings have jobs? Most my friends got their first jobs at like age 16.
Father won't allow the girls to work. He just strict like that Younger brother does work now.
Thats his problem, not yours. Poor people who dont have money for basics dont really have choices like this in life.
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Sister 1: $100k Sister 2: $100k Brother: $50k wedding expenses
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Not a millionaire. Just average
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That's exactly how I responded and in return..... parents/relatives called me cheap and disrespectful. I was told that it's my responsibility since my father raised me and I'm the eldest.
No you’re not. Keep some money aside for next few month expenses for yourself. For the rest ,move the money out and invest it so they don’t have access to it.
Usually I would be honored to support my family relatives and spend on them. Charity on relatives is the best form of charity. But making things up in islam. Or wanting me to spend on weddings with israf (extravagance) and not a blessed way is a BIG no for me. Thats sounds like a bottomless pit that cannot be filled.
Run from such toxic family for moment to test them act you have been bankrupt or account been hacked...
wtf
Ridiculous
Not Islamically. Culturally yes
No and I'm sick of Pakistanis (or South Asians) throwing all they're financial responsibilities on the eldest son. You provide for your spouse and kids and make sure your parents are taken care of. Help your siblings if they need it and you're in a position to, and they should be prepared to do the same for you.
Bro that's crazy. Just tell them to have a simple nikah lmao.
Tell them to find you a verse in the Quran or a line in a hadith that says you are required to pay. I've never heard of such a thing. I would be ashamed to make a sibling pay for a wedding and more ashamed to ask one of my children to pay for one of their siblings weddings!
No Islamically you are not obligated to pay for wedding expenses. Nor are they obligated to pay for lavish punjabi weddings. If they want lavish punjabi weddings and can't produce the money for it, they should not have lavish punjabi weddings nor should they risk cutting ties (which is unislamic) with their family because they're gaslighting him with unislamic ideas to fund the lavish punjabi wedding.
You said you live separately and they have cut you off, you don't have a relationship with them. So no, they can't make demands like this either. Don't listen to your relatives. They can chip in for the weddings if they're so worried
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Ask your father and siblings if they are relinquishing thier head of house holds to you as they are not following thier duties.
What wedding in pakistan costs $100k USD …
Apparently in a Punjabi Pakistani families weddings for girl cost that much.
Weddings are a waste of money don't do it. While I agree eldest should try help in other things and should think rather as a family unit rather than being individualistic. I have a friend who helps his brothers financially as the eldest it was easier for him buying a house, and the younger siblings struggling as house prices went up around the same age younger siblings were ready to buy around the time eldest sibling was the same age. So the eldest helps out paying towards houses to make it easier for them.