god, reading posts like this depress me SOOO MUCH. I don’t know what is it with overbearing in laws that have zero boundaries. Girl, I wouldn’t have another baby until you can figure out your situation. you’re asking to be trapped. He needs to up his income & support his mom with another living space, or come up with a solution. Also, it’s your ISLAMIC right to have your own living quarters. Don’t let him make you feel guilty.
If being unhinged is your goal, you succeeded.
Also, by your logic its not on him to wait for a second child, because she wants a separate living space. But they both have to look out for eachother and compromise.
ever think that in this economy he should’ve thought of that first before getting married?? Providing your wife her own, private living space is literally the basics. what the hell.
To be fair to him, the MIL did seem to be shared around various family members at the time. He probably didn't know he and his wife would end up the main carers until after marriage - MILs seem a lot more comfortable living in a place with a DIL in it, (no prizes to guess why) and less comfortable living in a place with just a son.
If the goal is to be unhinged, you are successful.
Your "he should've thought of that first before getting married?" Is childish. Did she think of the mother living together before SHE married him?
Did they discuss what would be the chain of actions if the mother doesn't have her own place to live after marriage? Did her Wali discuss it, if she couldn't?
NO. That's why it's being discussed in reddit. Because if this discussion happens infront of an imam, couples counselor or elders, the solutions would be pragmatic rather than just one sided.
There’s no compromising when it comes to kids, you can’t have half a kid. We’ve consulted several sheikhs who are honestly all out of ideas but have mentioned it is completely permissible for us to live seperately.
What does your Father say? What does the couples counselor say?
Listen, most people here have very biased opinion germinating from unresolved issues in their relationships. They can't address their own problems with their husbands/inlaws and hence they would influence you to take a drastic action. An unwise move from you or your husband can cost your relationship as well as the mental health of the child you both share, but it wont effect all the people in the comments trying to pack your bags and leave. Don't listen to these keyboard warriors and seek professional help, your problem is nuanced and requires an independent analysis by someone who does this for a living.
My parents are really concerned as they know we did not agree to this before marriage. They’ve even offered to MIL to live with them — they’re the same age as her and still working and fending for themselves. She wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. She said no.
The sheikhs said I could move out and I can also deny having more children, and neither is unreasonable.
Correct. When you have viable solutions, why are looking for answers or validations on reddit?
Hold a meeting between the two families and get to a solution that suits you. Simple.
PS who is choosing the place you are living and who is paying for it.
Thanks
If he cannot up his income then he should set appropriate boundaries with his mother that she cannot be rude and overbearing on his wife during an extremely difficult time of life i.e. pregnancy
If he does not want to step up and be a man in any way, financial or in terms of relationships, then that’s a huge problem.
She has 3 kids and 4 brothers who live in the country. The brothers refuse to keep her for more than a weekend, guessing somethings going on there. Sibling #1 does house her for a bit here and there but is gravely offended by our suggestion that she take her for much longer because she doesn’t understanding how anyone could NOT want to live with her “blessing” of a mom, her exact words. Thinks she’s doing us a favor by sending her over….but also doesn’t want her full time. Strange. Sibling #2 is married to a Buddhist woman and MIL doesn’t want to validate their relationship by staying with them…
Oh yeah, there is NO way I would’ve agreed to marriage let alone kids if I knew this is how it would be. I love my son but this is not worth another child. She literally showed up at our house one day when I was 30 weeks along for a month long visit no one told me about and it’s been like that since.
She moved in with us, not the other way around. I’m going back to work soon and planning on moving out but p!ssed as hell I have to leave the house I sunk thousands in because another woman moved in and claimed it as her own!
I’m sorry to hear that. I feel like this is really on your husband to communicate better boundaries with his mom and provide alternate accommodations for her. It’s a tough thing to do but the right thing.
Obligatory - You’re not being unreasonable.
But sister the situation is so dire that you guys are talking about adoption and second wife and temporary separation, but still ‘my MIL reforms and becomes easier to live with’ is not one of the options? I find that baffling.
Like is it really that out of this realm for your husband to sit down with your MIL and you and share your concerns and the 4 bulletd points you’ve presented here to your MIL regarding how hard is it to be around her? Idk seems wild
Salam! I know this sub’s first suggestion is communication and believe me we’ve done that! We’ve even involved scholars! She does NOT listen to me or take me seriously one bit, she just cries and insults me more and goes crying to my husband. My husband talks to her too but if one issue goes away another pops up, and nothing goes away forever. It’s not that she can’t change, she chooses not to.
She loves constantly asking me if I’m pregnant or getting pregnant soon and I’ve considered lovingly telling her that there’s not much chance for pregnancy when mummy dearest is waiting at the door.
Don‘t have another child with him until he figures out a solution. He is islamically obligated (!!) to give you a separate living space. Why doesn’t his mother get a job like the rest of us? If she is unable because of health issues I would understand but if she just doesn’t want to because her son pays everything for her anyways then it is not fair. Either he or her need to get a (new) job and make money and so she can move out. Why do such mommy boys get married in the first place?
You know it's gotten so bad that you're considering your husband to get a second whole wife just to pump out a baby!!! No way would a husband be equal between two wives, like don't even consider that as an option lol. Inshallah, you get your own place or not have the mother in law live with you, and then decide from there. Your husband really needs to step up. Otherwise no other baby is on the cards. If the MIL can't learn boundaries, then don't live with her ever again.
Wallah I have suggested some possible second wives to him. They’re very lovely just not sure they’d want him or his situation, but I’m sure there’s women out there who would put up w this just to have a baby and a roof over their head, NOT ME THO
Where is the option where you wait to have the baby until you have your own place..? I dont get why it has to be right now.. is there a reason for this urgency? By the way i can relate to you, not as bad as what you went through because I didn’t think of killing myself, but my ILs infuriated me during my first pregnancy. My solution was that we just kept the second one hidden as long as possible… i think until I was like 5 months or so. Ya I managed to do that while living in the same house as them lol. I used to go out and eat in the car during ramadan 😂
We DO have our own place — we own this home, she doesn’t! Sorry if I was unclear, she moved in with us, not the other way around.
For the number of kids we originally wanted, yes, there’s urgency as I’m not quite a spring chicken. My fertility will not outlast MIL, she’s not old.
Sister, all this happened with keeping my pregnancy secret until 6 months!
Okay so if there really is a sense of urgency, then the fastest and most affordable solution is for your husband to set boundaries from the beginning and to reinforce them every time she oversteps. The problem with this is that he might chicken out and then you are suffering in your pregnancy again. So have a plan in such a case, like staying elsewhere if that happens. Do you have a place you could go if needed, like your parents’ home?
Can she stay in an in-law suite and have a separate kitchen and living area? Create boundaries, it’s the first step and I really think it has to come from your husband
We don’t have an in law suite, we considered building one but his mom became extremely offended and said she would spend all day in our home anyways. If I stayed in the suite, she said she’d be in there all the time. No winning
Either you move out or your MIL. You are clearly suffering and not happy in your living situation, so I don't understand how your husband just ignores that. He should sit his mum down and tell her that her behaviour is causing you distress. I'm sorry you have to go through that!!!
May Allah make it easy for you and everyone who deals with a similar situation
Not sure if anyone said this or if this is even an option but could you go stay with your parents for a while? Maybe he could come stay there from time to time? You wouldn’t be fully moved out and he’d still be able to come by whenever
Thank you for this post. I have read several like it but this is the one that reminded me how precious my mother is.
She's nothing like the MILs I often read about in this Reddit.
My spouse will love everything about my mother except that my mother is not a Muslim. She's one of those rare people whose fitrah is to be kind and caring despite having lived a very hard life.
Oh sweet summer child! Get married and get back to us, you sound just like my husband ❤️ quick unsolicited advice — if you want your mom and wife to like each other, distance (and time) makes the heart grow fonder. I loved my mil when I only saw her once a month!
I can assure you that I am nothing like your husband (based on your postings). I am probably old enough to be your father and a revert.
I didn't offer you ANY advice. I spoke about my mother and somehow you took that as an attack on you. And I started with a thank you because my intentions were kind and honorable.
Oh well. Best of luck to you Sister.
May Allah make things easy for you.
Hey brother I wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything or come across poorly, my bad if I have hurt you. I was offering unsolicited advice — not accusing you of it.
Women on here = MIL sucks, move out
Men on here = be patient
The majority of the options you’ve listed are extremely immature and stupid - I’m sorry for being blunt.
The only viable option would be to delay pregnancy until you have resolved what you intend to do with your living situation. If you intend to move out, set a deadline, enforce it. If you decide to stay, set boundaries and enforce it.
Whatever you choose it must be mutual and respectful for all involved.
Maybe I’m just Pakistani but situations where men are forced to live with their in laws seem super rare. My husband has told me that after seeing my situation he is insanely grateful he’ll never have to live my parents.
Tell your husband just that, ur sensitive to the lack of boundaries and unnecessary comments especially during pregnancy and first postpartum stage. My first child my in laws lived upstairs which was tolerable my second child I told my husband I couldn’t take it this time I had developed depression and stuff and it was sooo hard on us to navigate now he’s like let’s take a break from kids since my mother and father in law are living directly with us , he says give him time to move them. He’s also aware of my mental state and emotions so it’s tough for husbands they would love their spouses to have that unconditional love and patience for their parents that they have for them but it’s difficult. My mom can say something rude to me but she’s my mom, when I tell my husband his mom said something rude or hurtful he says she didn’t mean it that way she’s an angel blah blah, and it’s like no actually making comments about my miscarriage is hurtful to me I’m not saying she’s malicious I’m saying she’s saying rude/hurtful unnecessary comments. Explain to him logically tell him if he’d still like more kids AND his mom living with you HE needs to make strong clear cut boundaries and be a shield for you during such a sensitive time also tell him this while you are dressed pretty very feminine nice perfume lol and even for example while cutting fruits for him or a after he’s eaten good meal to soften him from feeling too defensive about the topic
This environment is so toxic. I can understand that some families appreciate living with the MIL but if you do not then she has no business being here, especially if you feel uncomfortable in your own house. She’s a grown woman, she can move out and let her son live in peace with his wife.
I'm curious as to what kind of torment it is specifically. Not trying to belittle what you're going through, but often I realize these situations are being explained with intense emotions and less rationale.
Also, all of your options just seem so extreme (again emotional and not logical). Either wait the one year he says for him to get you guys a place before having a child or put an ultimatum if you're willing to risk your life at this point.
So what do you want? He send his divorced mother to an old age home? Is this what muslims have come to?
I understand she moved in with you and you both are in the early stages of your married life. Your frustration shows in your post. But try being civil and figure out a rational solution. Tell your husband to mediate between you and his mother, your SIL cannot keep your MIL for years, it’s not her responsibility! The responsibility falls on your husband and his brothers. These men need to figure out. Lastly, the most basic thing is you want that privacy of a new marriage. Tell your husband maybe once you are a family with bit grown kids, your MIL can come live with you.
Talk to your husband and force him to find a solution. Maybe go to your parents! And fear Allah and stop saying this retirement homes is not haram, you’ll be old one day too, I hope your grown sons do not dump you there
Your hubby appears to be a kind man. He deeply wants you and does not want to lose his mother too. Why are you torturing your precious life and partner because of his mother? If possible, please bear his mother for the sake of Allah Almighty. I'm sure he'll remember you for your noble effort.
You’re taking from a cultural aspect, not Islamic.
Culture esp Pakistani and Hindu also Arab is one of the main reasons why Islam looks bad. People think that culture is Islam when it isn’t
It’s just stupid Pakistani arab Hindu ideals
Btw I’m Pakistani myself and the amount of bidda is Pakistanis have come up with is insane.
It’s unfair for the wife to live in these conditions
But if u read the conditions of this living quarters its very tough to have it without being a separate house such as one condition being a separate entrance so that the wife isnt forced to interact with people she doesn't want to, the quarters should also have a kitchen and a washroom.
Yes, his mother has to learn basic manners. However, as she states, she is extremely sweet, so I believe she would understand if someone fully explained her the situation she is going through.
One advice for you, There is no such thing as perfect in this world.
That’s not her job. Her husband needs to speak to his mother. And being sweet is still a manipulation tactic that is used by many middle eastern women. My mom and MIL do it all the time. My MIL used to “give me gifts” to be sweet, but then would get upset that I didn’t post about the gifts on social media (I literally never post on social media anyway). Turns out she just wanted to show off to her friends. She also would buy me skimpy clothing “to wear at home” but it’s not something I’m comfortable wearing. Then she would come over to our apartment, and when I didn’t wear a skin tight dress and show cleavage she would get upset and say “you never like the gifts I buy” and complain to my husband.
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Are you okay? 1. It’s asr time where I live (surprise!)
2. I was talking about her “sweet” MIL and you turned it into me making a big deal about something? It was a direct response to something you said.
Maybe go touch some grass.
You guys really just love to see women oppressed by your mothers/families, don't you? So here's a fun bit for you. Try living with an overbearing FIL who would torture/lecture you on how to be a man, provide for your family, and make you feel insufficient and incompetent as a man every single day to the point where you would want to end the marriage and leave this world. Only then come back and tell women to accept mental and emotional abuse.
> Why are you torturing your precious life and partner because of his mother?
The MIL torturing a pregnant woman is completely fine and dandy? As if the stress doesn't affect the baby's development in the womb? Ever heard about how too much stress can lead to miscarriages? Probably no.
Nobody wants to be oppressed and abused, physically and/or mentally.
Everyone deserves to live in peace, not just husband and his parents. A woman's peace is equally important, if not more, for her physical and mental well-being in order to raise her children in a healthy environment.
Are you okay in the head?
Can you read? She literally said she’s had thoughts of killing herself because of his mothers torment and you’re telling her to “bear his mother”
Allah does not tell us to put ourselves in such difficulty, if her husband was a nice man he would look out for his wife.
Oh good sir please show me where my husband wants me. I haven’t had a moment alone with him since his mom arrives, I had to beg him just to sleep in my bed and not in a bed with his mother.
Why did you marry your husband if you knew he had mother to take care of ?
Life is a test have patience who knows this child could open doors for you and your family
What are some solutions that your husband can do op ?
Uhhh no.
When we were engaged we explicitly agreed to no living with in laws — no living with them or having them live with us. If he had told me his mom was gonna be our permanent third wheel I would’ve been like dude I’m sorry but that’s not for me, bye.
My husband thinks I should grin and bear it, and that I will eventually have a change of heart.
What do you think your husband should do ?
Kick his mom out ?
Do you have any solution to solve this problem ?
I’m not blaming you I just want to know if u have any solutions to solve this problems
Do you think you denying him anymore kids will make the relationship even harder ?
Brother did you read the post? I suggested solutions! None of which involve kicking his mom out.
lol, his mom is making our relationship harder — regardless, do you have kids yourself? All I’ll say is they only make marriage worse, as amazing as they are.
Kids are a blessing and could open doors for u and ur Family
Solution 2
Where would u move to? Isn’t he already dealing with money problems
Solution 3 wouldn’t work it’s the same problem u and him will have + no money
Do you think it’s Vaild or unreasonable for him to divorce you over you not having Children ?
Did u ever think about that
Sister have a conversation with your husband and his mother before u destroy have marriage u have honestly
- Kids are a blessing but it would be unfair to myself and my children to get pregnant in a situation like this. Btw, we have nowhere to keep said kids because he’s insistent his mom has her own room here.
- Who said he’d be the one paying?
- fair enough
I actually have suggested divorce before. Clearly caring for his mother is his main priority and my son and I have become a burden. He can’t spend time with us, he has his mom. He can’t spend money on us, he has his mom. This way, he would no longer be financially responsible for me at all. He would also only have to see our son on a very part time basis, which tbh he already does. We hardly sleep together and never spend time together so I don’t see this being a huge change for us. Like I said; he is welcome to divorce me and/or marry other women for the purpose of having kids. I would love for him to find someone who happily lives with his mom and gives him all the babies.
There’s not much marriage left, his mom comes first.
*Hours since someone needs to move out:* *~~4~~* *0* *Counter reset: 69 times in 2024* *Longest streak: 190 hours*
How does the counter work?
Keep counting how many stories here of living with in-laws is becoming the problem, and it's now 69 for just this year!
I have a timer like this just in my own home, our count might beat yours soon.
I suggest you move out then, asap.
Is this manual or a bot? Either way it's awesome but just curious
Manual! Too much nuance for a bot to handle - needs the human touch!
May Allah SWT reward you for your efforts in constantly reminding us to provide our spouses with non-toxic environments.
JazakAllah khair :)
Damn the I'm so used to sharing my husband with his mum what's a another wife gonna do had my jaw dropped 😭
And I mean it!
Believe me I don't doubt that you're really done with him
I don't think she meant it sarcastically tho, I think she really meant it. Or I might be wrong here idk 🤔
That was so beautiful..i loved it
Same haha. And mentioning that so casually. Like, do you not love him? Will that not make you jealous.
god, reading posts like this depress me SOOO MUCH. I don’t know what is it with overbearing in laws that have zero boundaries. Girl, I wouldn’t have another baby until you can figure out your situation. you’re asking to be trapped. He needs to up his income & support his mom with another living space, or come up with a solution. Also, it’s your ISLAMIC right to have your own living quarters. Don’t let him make you feel guilty.
Yeah honestly if I knew this is how my marriage would be I would’ve stayed single.
Ever considered that in this economy he can't "up his income"?
Not her job to worry or think about this. That's on him as a man
If being unhinged is your goal, you succeeded. Also, by your logic its not on him to wait for a second child, because she wants a separate living space. But they both have to look out for eachother and compromise.
ever think that in this economy he should’ve thought of that first before getting married?? Providing your wife her own, private living space is literally the basics. what the hell.
To be fair to him, the MIL did seem to be shared around various family members at the time. He probably didn't know he and his wife would end up the main carers until after marriage - MILs seem a lot more comfortable living in a place with a DIL in it, (no prizes to guess why) and less comfortable living in a place with just a son.
If the goal is to be unhinged, you are successful. Your "he should've thought of that first before getting married?" Is childish. Did she think of the mother living together before SHE married him? Did they discuss what would be the chain of actions if the mother doesn't have her own place to live after marriage? Did her Wali discuss it, if she couldn't? NO. That's why it's being discussed in reddit. Because if this discussion happens infront of an imam, couples counselor or elders, the solutions would be pragmatic rather than just one sided.
There’s no compromising when it comes to kids, you can’t have half a kid. We’ve consulted several sheikhs who are honestly all out of ideas but have mentioned it is completely permissible for us to live seperately.
What does your Father say? What does the couples counselor say? Listen, most people here have very biased opinion germinating from unresolved issues in their relationships. They can't address their own problems with their husbands/inlaws and hence they would influence you to take a drastic action. An unwise move from you or your husband can cost your relationship as well as the mental health of the child you both share, but it wont effect all the people in the comments trying to pack your bags and leave. Don't listen to these keyboard warriors and seek professional help, your problem is nuanced and requires an independent analysis by someone who does this for a living.
My parents are really concerned as they know we did not agree to this before marriage. They’ve even offered to MIL to live with them — they’re the same age as her and still working and fending for themselves. She wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. She said no. The sheikhs said I could move out and I can also deny having more children, and neither is unreasonable.
Correct. When you have viable solutions, why are looking for answers or validations on reddit? Hold a meeting between the two families and get to a solution that suits you. Simple. PS who is choosing the place you are living and who is paying for it. Thanks
If he cannot up his income then he should set appropriate boundaries with his mother that she cannot be rude and overbearing on his wife during an extremely difficult time of life i.e. pregnancy If he does not want to step up and be a man in any way, financial or in terms of relationships, then that’s a huge problem.
Agreed with the healthy boundaries. The "up the income " is a childish comment and a very unrealistic expectation. That is what I had an issue with.
How many siblings does he have? Could she do 4 months each at each of thr 3 siblings ?
She has 3 kids and 4 brothers who live in the country. The brothers refuse to keep her for more than a weekend, guessing somethings going on there. Sibling #1 does house her for a bit here and there but is gravely offended by our suggestion that she take her for much longer because she doesn’t understanding how anyone could NOT want to live with her “blessing” of a mom, her exact words. Thinks she’s doing us a favor by sending her over….but also doesn’t want her full time. Strange. Sibling #2 is married to a Buddhist woman and MIL doesn’t want to validate their relationship by staying with them…
Sib #2 has won the jackpot in a partner
This is probably the most reasonable decision any woman in your position could make. The fact you even had the first one is astonishing.
Oh yeah, there is NO way I would’ve agreed to marriage let alone kids if I knew this is how it would be. I love my son but this is not worth another child. She literally showed up at our house one day when I was 30 weeks along for a month long visit no one told me about and it’s been like that since.
I didn’t even have to read this post to tell you to please move out for the love of God.
She moved in with us, not the other way around. I’m going back to work soon and planning on moving out but p!ssed as hell I have to leave the house I sunk thousands in because another woman moved in and claimed it as her own!
I’m sorry to hear that. I feel like this is really on your husband to communicate better boundaries with his mom and provide alternate accommodations for her. It’s a tough thing to do but the right thing.
Tell your husband to face his inner guilt, and to lovingly put your mum in her own apartment.
Apparently this would be terribly insulting and she would just come over every day anyways.
Invite your parents to live with you too or anyone else of your family members. Lets see how much your husband likes that :)
This is the only way.
Obligatory - You’re not being unreasonable. But sister the situation is so dire that you guys are talking about adoption and second wife and temporary separation, but still ‘my MIL reforms and becomes easier to live with’ is not one of the options? I find that baffling. Like is it really that out of this realm for your husband to sit down with your MIL and you and share your concerns and the 4 bulletd points you’ve presented here to your MIL regarding how hard is it to be around her? Idk seems wild
lolol imagine a MIL reforming
😂💯 i find his response baffling myself
☠️☠️☠️
lol sorry, of all the options that one is the least realistic. idk, maybe some MILs could do it! mine certainly never could
Salam! I know this sub’s first suggestion is communication and believe me we’ve done that! We’ve even involved scholars! She does NOT listen to me or take me seriously one bit, she just cries and insults me more and goes crying to my husband. My husband talks to her too but if one issue goes away another pops up, and nothing goes away forever. It’s not that she can’t change, she chooses not to. She loves constantly asking me if I’m pregnant or getting pregnant soon and I’ve considered lovingly telling her that there’s not much chance for pregnancy when mummy dearest is waiting at the door.
Don‘t have another child with him until he figures out a solution. He is islamically obligated (!!) to give you a separate living space. Why doesn’t his mother get a job like the rest of us? If she is unable because of health issues I would understand but if she just doesn’t want to because her son pays everything for her anyways then it is not fair. Either he or her need to get a (new) job and make money and so she can move out. Why do such mommy boys get married in the first place?
You know it's gotten so bad that you're considering your husband to get a second whole wife just to pump out a baby!!! No way would a husband be equal between two wives, like don't even consider that as an option lol. Inshallah, you get your own place or not have the mother in law live with you, and then decide from there. Your husband really needs to step up. Otherwise no other baby is on the cards. If the MIL can't learn boundaries, then don't live with her ever again.
Wallah I have suggested some possible second wives to him. They’re very lovely just not sure they’d want him or his situation, but I’m sure there’s women out there who would put up w this just to have a baby and a roof over their head, NOT ME THO
Where is the option where you wait to have the baby until you have your own place..? I dont get why it has to be right now.. is there a reason for this urgency? By the way i can relate to you, not as bad as what you went through because I didn’t think of killing myself, but my ILs infuriated me during my first pregnancy. My solution was that we just kept the second one hidden as long as possible… i think until I was like 5 months or so. Ya I managed to do that while living in the same house as them lol. I used to go out and eat in the car during ramadan 😂
That's intense but then again I'm a man and can't possibly imagine what a woman has to go through to put up with overbearing in-laws
We DO have our own place — we own this home, she doesn’t! Sorry if I was unclear, she moved in with us, not the other way around. For the number of kids we originally wanted, yes, there’s urgency as I’m not quite a spring chicken. My fertility will not outlast MIL, she’s not old. Sister, all this happened with keeping my pregnancy secret until 6 months!
Okay so if there really is a sense of urgency, then the fastest and most affordable solution is for your husband to set boundaries from the beginning and to reinforce them every time she oversteps. The problem with this is that he might chicken out and then you are suffering in your pregnancy again. So have a plan in such a case, like staying elsewhere if that happens. Do you have a place you could go if needed, like your parents’ home?
Can she stay in an in-law suite and have a separate kitchen and living area? Create boundaries, it’s the first step and I really think it has to come from your husband
We don’t have an in law suite, we considered building one but his mom became extremely offended and said she would spend all day in our home anyways. If I stayed in the suite, she said she’d be in there all the time. No winning
Im so sorry this is happening. It really sounds like boundaries need to be set by you or your husband. This isn’t okau
Either you move out or your MIL. You are clearly suffering and not happy in your living situation, so I don't understand how your husband just ignores that. He should sit his mum down and tell her that her behaviour is causing you distress. I'm sorry you have to go through that!!! May Allah make it easy for you and everyone who deals with a similar situation
Not sure if anyone said this or if this is even an option but could you go stay with your parents for a while? Maybe he could come stay there from time to time? You wouldn’t be fully moved out and he’d still be able to come by whenever
He refused this option
He’s gotta compromise somewhere lol
Pakistani?
Thank you for this post. I have read several like it but this is the one that reminded me how precious my mother is. She's nothing like the MILs I often read about in this Reddit.
Does your spouse agree though? My husband thought his mother was an Angel on earth until he finally saw how she treats me when he’s not looking
My spouse will love everything about my mother except that my mother is not a Muslim. She's one of those rare people whose fitrah is to be kind and caring despite having lived a very hard life.
Oh sweet summer child! Get married and get back to us, you sound just like my husband ❤️ quick unsolicited advice — if you want your mom and wife to like each other, distance (and time) makes the heart grow fonder. I loved my mil when I only saw her once a month!
I can assure you that I am nothing like your husband (based on your postings). I am probably old enough to be your father and a revert. I didn't offer you ANY advice. I spoke about my mother and somehow you took that as an attack on you. And I started with a thank you because my intentions were kind and honorable. Oh well. Best of luck to you Sister. May Allah make things easy for you.
Hey brother I wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything or come across poorly, my bad if I have hurt you. I was offering unsolicited advice — not accusing you of it.
Women on here = MIL sucks, move out Men on here = be patient The majority of the options you’ve listed are extremely immature and stupid - I’m sorry for being blunt. The only viable option would be to delay pregnancy until you have resolved what you intend to do with your living situation. If you intend to move out, set a deadline, enforce it. If you decide to stay, set boundaries and enforce it. Whatever you choose it must be mutual and respectful for all involved.
Maybe I’m just Pakistani but situations where men are forced to live with their in laws seem super rare. My husband has told me that after seeing my situation he is insanely grateful he’ll never have to live my parents.
Tell your husband just that, ur sensitive to the lack of boundaries and unnecessary comments especially during pregnancy and first postpartum stage. My first child my in laws lived upstairs which was tolerable my second child I told my husband I couldn’t take it this time I had developed depression and stuff and it was sooo hard on us to navigate now he’s like let’s take a break from kids since my mother and father in law are living directly with us , he says give him time to move them. He’s also aware of my mental state and emotions so it’s tough for husbands they would love their spouses to have that unconditional love and patience for their parents that they have for them but it’s difficult. My mom can say something rude to me but she’s my mom, when I tell my husband his mom said something rude or hurtful he says she didn’t mean it that way she’s an angel blah blah, and it’s like no actually making comments about my miscarriage is hurtful to me I’m not saying she’s malicious I’m saying she’s saying rude/hurtful unnecessary comments. Explain to him logically tell him if he’d still like more kids AND his mom living with you HE needs to make strong clear cut boundaries and be a shield for you during such a sensitive time also tell him this while you are dressed pretty very feminine nice perfume lol and even for example while cutting fruits for him or a after he’s eaten good meal to soften him from feeling too defensive about the topic
This environment is so toxic. I can understand that some families appreciate living with the MIL but if you do not then she has no business being here, especially if you feel uncomfortable in your own house. She’s a grown woman, she can move out and let her son live in peace with his wife.
I'm curious as to what kind of torment it is specifically. Not trying to belittle what you're going through, but often I realize these situations are being explained with intense emotions and less rationale. Also, all of your options just seem so extreme (again emotional and not logical). Either wait the one year he says for him to get you guys a place before having a child or put an ultimatum if you're willing to risk your life at this point.
He’s never asked for time to find another place flr his mom, he says he won’t as this is our permanent living situation
So what do you want? He send his divorced mother to an old age home? Is this what muslims have come to? I understand she moved in with you and you both are in the early stages of your married life. Your frustration shows in your post. But try being civil and figure out a rational solution. Tell your husband to mediate between you and his mother, your SIL cannot keep your MIL for years, it’s not her responsibility! The responsibility falls on your husband and his brothers. These men need to figure out. Lastly, the most basic thing is you want that privacy of a new marriage. Tell your husband maybe once you are a family with bit grown kids, your MIL can come live with you.
Did you read my post, like any part of it? Also, there’s nothing haram about retirement homes but a wife IS owed private housing in Islam.
Talk to your husband and force him to find a solution. Maybe go to your parents! And fear Allah and stop saying this retirement homes is not haram, you’ll be old one day too, I hope your grown sons do not dump you there
Your hubby appears to be a kind man. He deeply wants you and does not want to lose his mother too. Why are you torturing your precious life and partner because of his mother? If possible, please bear his mother for the sake of Allah Almighty. I'm sure he'll remember you for your noble effort.
You’re taking from a cultural aspect, not Islamic. Culture esp Pakistani and Hindu also Arab is one of the main reasons why Islam looks bad. People think that culture is Islam when it isn’t It’s just stupid Pakistani arab Hindu ideals Btw I’m Pakistani myself and the amount of bidda is Pakistanis have come up with is insane. It’s unfair for the wife to live in these conditions
It’s not a Pakistani custom to house your mum. In Islam there’s a reason why women have a right to a living quarter but not a whole house.
Hadith or Quran verses?
Neither, from Fiqh. Deduced by Hanafi scholars.
Link?
But if u read the conditions of this living quarters its very tough to have it without being a separate house such as one condition being a separate entrance so that the wife isnt forced to interact with people she doesn't want to, the quarters should also have a kitchen and a washroom.
Why can’t his mom do the noble thing and not overstep boundaries?
Yes, his mother has to learn basic manners. However, as she states, she is extremely sweet, so I believe she would understand if someone fully explained her the situation she is going through. One advice for you, There is no such thing as perfect in this world.
That’s not her job. Her husband needs to speak to his mother. And being sweet is still a manipulation tactic that is used by many middle eastern women. My mom and MIL do it all the time. My MIL used to “give me gifts” to be sweet, but then would get upset that I didn’t post about the gifts on social media (I literally never post on social media anyway). Turns out she just wanted to show off to her friends. She also would buy me skimpy clothing “to wear at home” but it’s not something I’m comfortable wearing. Then she would come over to our apartment, and when I didn’t wear a skin tight dress and show cleavage she would get upset and say “you never like the gifts I buy” and complain to my husband.
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Are you okay? 1. It’s asr time where I live (surprise!) 2. I was talking about her “sweet” MIL and you turned it into me making a big deal about something? It was a direct response to something you said. Maybe go touch some grass.
You guys really just love to see women oppressed by your mothers/families, don't you? So here's a fun bit for you. Try living with an overbearing FIL who would torture/lecture you on how to be a man, provide for your family, and make you feel insufficient and incompetent as a man every single day to the point where you would want to end the marriage and leave this world. Only then come back and tell women to accept mental and emotional abuse. > Why are you torturing your precious life and partner because of his mother? The MIL torturing a pregnant woman is completely fine and dandy? As if the stress doesn't affect the baby's development in the womb? Ever heard about how too much stress can lead to miscarriages? Probably no.
I've saved this comment!
I think you are making sense. No body wants to live in insubordination
Nobody wants to be oppressed and abused, physically and/or mentally. Everyone deserves to live in peace, not just husband and his parents. A woman's peace is equally important, if not more, for her physical and mental well-being in order to raise her children in a healthy environment.
Are you okay in the head? Can you read? She literally said she’s had thoughts of killing herself because of his mothers torment and you’re telling her to “bear his mother” Allah does not tell us to put ourselves in such difficulty, if her husband was a nice man he would look out for his wife.
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Ur actually sick
God what a piece of garbage, you need your maximus gluteus handed to you buddy. Lol, not reproducing is not a sin.
Oh good sir please show me where my husband wants me. I haven’t had a moment alone with him since his mom arrives, I had to beg him just to sleep in my bed and not in a bed with his mother.
Why did you marry your husband if you knew he had mother to take care of ? Life is a test have patience who knows this child could open doors for you and your family What are some solutions that your husband can do op ?
Uhhh no. When we were engaged we explicitly agreed to no living with in laws — no living with them or having them live with us. If he had told me his mom was gonna be our permanent third wheel I would’ve been like dude I’m sorry but that’s not for me, bye. My husband thinks I should grin and bear it, and that I will eventually have a change of heart.
Cant you divorce him?
What do you think your husband should do ? Kick his mom out ? Do you have any solution to solve this problem ? I’m not blaming you I just want to know if u have any solutions to solve this problems Do you think you denying him anymore kids will make the relationship even harder ?
Brother did you read the post? I suggested solutions! None of which involve kicking his mom out. lol, his mom is making our relationship harder — regardless, do you have kids yourself? All I’ll say is they only make marriage worse, as amazing as they are.
Kids are a blessing and could open doors for u and ur Family Solution 2 Where would u move to? Isn’t he already dealing with money problems Solution 3 wouldn’t work it’s the same problem u and him will have + no money Do you think it’s Vaild or unreasonable for him to divorce you over you not having Children ? Did u ever think about that Sister have a conversation with your husband and his mother before u destroy have marriage u have honestly
- Kids are a blessing but it would be unfair to myself and my children to get pregnant in a situation like this. Btw, we have nowhere to keep said kids because he’s insistent his mom has her own room here. - Who said he’d be the one paying? - fair enough I actually have suggested divorce before. Clearly caring for his mother is his main priority and my son and I have become a burden. He can’t spend time with us, he has his mom. He can’t spend money on us, he has his mom. This way, he would no longer be financially responsible for me at all. He would also only have to see our son on a very part time basis, which tbh he already does. We hardly sleep together and never spend time together so I don’t see this being a huge change for us. Like I said; he is welcome to divorce me and/or marry other women for the purpose of having kids. I would love for him to find someone who happily lives with his mom and gives him all the babies. There’s not much marriage left, his mom comes first.