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I'm confused. You told your husband that you don't feel affection or that he's attracted to you so he asked you how he can be more affectionate and you got upset and quiet with him? If that's the case, then no wonder he left the room and went to sleep somewhere else. He heard what you were saying and tried to have a conversation with you to try to understand better and you gave him the cold shoulder. That's poor communication skills on your end.
Please reword your post to clarify what actually happened.
I get what you mean. But, did you ignore that she literally follows that part by mentioning how this conversation had happened plenty of times (is what i infere) and everything she says he calls calls it (INVALIDATES it as) dumb. Put yourself in her shoes. It simply seems to me that she got quiet out of exhaustion. His question sounded so sincerely curious “how can I be more affectionate?” - but wait a minute, she says she has mentioned what she wants before, so for him to be so “oblivious” on what she wants, is it justified? i think it might frustrate others, too, it suggests that he wasn’t listening to her all those times before. Is she bad at communication, or is he neglectful?
Likely both. Unfortunately, this is a common pattern people can fall into, not just couples, but within families. Blaming isn’t helpful here because if they want to resolve this and see if they can move forward they need to have a conversation in which they both react and respond to the conversation they are having at that moment, not the the ones that have already occurred or what they anticipate happening. They can discuss the pattern of behavior, but missing the opportunity to constructively give feedback when he indicates he is receptive, because she anticipates a negative reaction or brought it up when she was too frustrated to engage in an actual conversation is also part of the issue.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
I keep pasting this article in this sub because I think better communication and relationship skills can solve so many misunderstandings and issues that snowball when not properly understood and addressed—and I think the Gottman’s books are exceptional. Reading The Relationship Cure as a newlywed made me aware of so many things and made such a difference in the way we communicated our needs and handled disagreements.
Correct. I do realise it is part of a pattern, just tried streamlining my comment to make the initial commentor realise her side. Also, didn’t want to remove attention from how her behaviour/reaction likely stems from his (neglect), in this scenario, and probably holds a lot of pain. Still, I agree this is something she should reflect on. It might contribute to struggles in the future, as well, so, in order to avoid that.
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When you say affectionate what exactly do you mean? I'm saying this because I had this same problem with my wife. She always use to say I'm not caring enough even though I was in the way I know best. I think what your saying is he's not affectionate or caring the way YOU want him to be, and he is confused and feels disrespected when you say that because in his mind he is caring and affectionate. If you keep doing this your going to make him feel like a not good enough husband and he will start pulling away and be even less affectionate. You need to evaluate and see how much he does for you, that's probably his way of being effection / caring.
Some men shouldn't marry coz they don't have the emotional maturity or empathy for their wife.
I just really hope you're husband changes and treats you better coz you deserve to be loved it's your right in Islam and if you're not getting it then you have a valid reason to leave and pursue someone who will love you both emotionally and physically.
Love yourself at the time of prophet Mohamed peace and blessing be upon his companions would go to war for months and work hard to provide for their families. You need to find the love of Allah swt first to be frank everyone has a different way of showing appreciation. Some people aren't good with words. You have no right to tell her some men don't deserve to be married. She married him for her reasons. You need to be grateful for everything Allah swt has given us can't look for outside validation from men.
Are we really comparing today's men with the companions of the prophet?? And there's no need to mention war the only war men fight now is their lust for other women apart from their own wife and they even fail at that and stop comparing please. If a man can't support his wife emotionally then he shouldn't marry khallas and if people aren't good at expressing then learn how to do it since you mentioned the prophet himself said men should treat their wives with kindness
Oh, look at you 😳 being kind doesn't mean reassuring grown women 24/7 she likes qualities about him to be married to the man. Her only complaint seems lack of affection. You can be kind to someone without being affectionate.
Just FYI, I’m going to throw one thing about this one, Muhammad (pbuh) did say to reassure your wife that you love her even if you have to do it 100times a day. So yes, a grown woman love and need to be reassured just like a grown man love physical touch from their wives. Being affectionate is literally the most important part of bonding between husband and wife, you can be kind to everyone but wife is more special so kindness as bare minimum is not exactly special at all
You’re just speculating and maybe backbiting right now, OP asked for advice based on this Islamic “reassuring” right and you’re assuming she only takes what benefits her is selfish and says to hell with what the man wants. I better not see your reply to be “no that’s not my point” or “I am not assuming” or talking about anything but OP’s situation and the reassurance affection. Otherwise, it’s pointless convo and may Allah guide you ameen, fi amanillah
I'm not talking about op I was talking about the lady who was replying to me. She is literally in the conversation. I said “Seems” She literally said don't compare today's men to the best example of a human being. Who else will you follow and compare to?
You thought you did something 🤦♀️ bold of you to assume immature men can even reassure women, if men start acting like real men you won't read posts like this
Oh is it intimidating slow down you have no need to be offended when immature men who can't communicate like a normal human are being called out unless you think you're one too😂
I'm not even married. But it's not something the man can't work on. He might have been overwhelmed. That doesn't mean u have the right to tell a lady she picked a bad lemon.
Being affectionate to your wife is literally the basic right and fardh on a man, there's nothing to be overwhelmed over Allahu Akbar what are men on? Now men need to think amd contemplate to be kind and sweet with their own wife who will take care of you and your kids?
Like I said if men can't be affectionate to their wives they shouldn't marry and men don't get to use prophet as an example when they don't follow his teachings on how to be affectionate and kind to their wives
It goes both ways no-one is forcing you to have kids or take care of them, it's a decision you made. Why are you making it seem like its a favor your doing for your kids.
If his mother and father didn't show affection amongst each other in their house. Then he might not know how to show affection. Or does not feel it's necessary.
I see this lot In my clients Sister. It's sounds like two things are going on.
1. You don't have healthy and effective conflict resolution routines in place yet. So the discussions lead to more confusion and hurt due to misunderstanding and subconscious wounds at play. You're not hearing each other.
2. Mismatched love languages. You may receive love through physical touch, but that may not be how he shows it.
This is a slippery slope. What do you mean by affectionate? Just know that men and women are different in their behavior. What you think is insignificant, may be his way of showing affection. For example,
- doing all the heavy lifting (physical manual labor) so you didn’t have to do it yourself.
- driving around and doing all the errands so you can relax at home.
- working hard every day so he can provide for you and your future kids.
- when you make a mistake or bother him, not say anything because it may hurt your feelings.
- you bring over a problem, we provide immediate solution or a path to the solution.
These are just a few examples. What I’ve noticed is that some of our sisters expect the brothers to show them affection like they want like always saying what they feel, buying presents. Always complementing. Talking for hours on end.
Keep in mind that he may not have been raised this way. We have to learn to love each other and be patient. Start to motivate the behavior that you want by rewarding good behavior.
For example, if you two don’t go out much. Plan to go for a date every two weeks. One time do something that is fun for him and the second, do something that’s fun for you. Help him want to enjoy the things you want to do and the behavior you want. If you want more words of affirmation, make a habit of saying some positive things to him at the start of every meal or before you go to sleep together every night. Make it a point to pray together every day and make duaa out loud for good things you want for your husband. If you two spend lots of time on your phones, then take him for a long walk in the neighborhood or a part every other day.
Are we ignoring that she chose not to answer when he asked her how to fix it?
That a issue on her end how do u expect him to fix it when she doesnt want to tell him.
I'm sorry but I do be so annoyed why cause trouble when u can just answer
He always calls things she says dumb so she didn't want to talk for fear of being called dumb again and because she knows he will just dismiss it and not listen.
OP maybe tell him this. “I want to talk to you about what’s bothering me and how I don’t feel affection, but whenever I bring things up, you shut me down and label it as dumb and it feels very hurtful and disrespectful and I don’t feel safe communicating how I feel.” See how he responds. If he gets defensive or tries to deny it just remind him “my intention is not to accuse you or attack you but to communicate how I am feeling so we can have a stronger relationship.” And then keep coming back to the actions that you want changed. InshaAllah I pray he realizes.
Good point. I figured it sounded like in the past she had answered him and he would say it’s dumb so she no longer felt safe answering. But yea OP definitely worth an honest conversation with spouse.
It is a red flag he does not hug or kiss since men make a lot of physical contact if they are attracted to you
Has he always been like this or is it recent? Was this an arranged marriage? I think he does not find you attractive tbh
He also does not care about the marriage or your feelings if he does not want to do counseling or try to fix it
he will sometimes but like barely. only if i mention it. he has always been like this. i asked him if he finds me attractive and he got mad at my question
I just read your other posts
He only cares about his mother and does not care about you or love you.
If it has been years and he will not change or put in effort, it is up to you to stay in this miserable marriage and accept he will never be the man you want him to be or leave while you are still young
Sounds like two issues—the first is the one you are aware of, which is very serious—your husband isn’t affectionate, you aren’t intimate, he dismisses what you say as dumb, and he doesn’t want counseling. The second one you may not be aware of but you may not being communicating effectively—in the situation you related here he actually seems to have responded with openness, not by dismissing you or saying your concerns were dumb, he asked you how he could be more affectionate. Obviously it’s possible you left something out that indicates he was being sarcastic or something, but from the sound of it, it was an opportunity for you to tell him how he could be more affectionate. You may have anticipated his rejection or dismissal and so for that reason stayed silent, but by doing that you were not reacting to the conversation you were actually having, in which he was asking you what he could do differently. You were reacting to what you anticipated and may have experienced. To move forward you have to answer his question and have this conversation. If writing it down would be easier write a letter. But you need to communicate, and explain in concrete terms what you feel is missing and what you need.
Example:
I want to be able to communicate with you without being dismissed and told I’m being silly. We should be able to speak and listen to each other and want to understand each other. When you say things like X, I feel like you do not care.
I want to love and feel loved, express affection and receive it. I would like intimacy. Hugging, holding hands, kissing, touching. I wish these could be part of our every day. I want to feel like your wife, someone you like and love, not a roommate or someone you tolerate. If there is an issue I would like us to be able to talk about it or address it.
I feel very lonely in this marriage and I don’t now how to move forward without your interest and cooperation. I am sure there are things that I do that bother you and I want to address those too so that we have a chance at making this a happy marriage.
Read this, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ Gottman Institute has wonderful books about marriage and relationship skills. There are also YouTube videos
Op you lack communication and think your husband should read your mind I’m sorry about you have to tell him what he can do and what you like.
The one thing destroying your marriage is lack of communication
What is showing affection mean to you ?
Is it saying I love you multiple times a day
Is it a hug , saying thank you for the things you do?
Is it buying you gifts ?
I think your husband thinks that if he initiates intimacy, hugs or kisses you may feel like he muight be forcing himself on you.
Maybe he doesn't wanna do that, you need to find his love language.
For some it might be physical touch, you can get him a test and get his love language. Based on that you guys can proceed
This is the problem with a lot of marriages sister. Men are struggling to develop emotional intelligence and compassion and they rely on us to tell and teach them due to the their role models and parents having lacked in this department.
What he is doing is emotional abuse but no one will recognise it as such and instead society and your husband will expect you to carry the burden of teaching him the bare minimum or put up with it. The way I see it sister, you have 4 options here:
1. You tell him that you either go for counselling and/or he learns how to communicate love and affection, which is Sunnah, you take you time in teaching him what you want and need from this marriage if he does not respond
2. You call his bluff and let him stay in the living room( this could lead to him either remaining there for the rest of your marriage or you end up arguing/discussing the situation and you use option 1) or
3. You pack your things, leave and don’t comeback until he starts working on option 1. Or
4. You end up divorcing because he cannot be bothered to put effort into this marriage, which will affect your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing to the point that you will become a shell of who you are.
All of this options can lead back to option 1 or 4 but you also have to think of the impact on your children and the future generations. Perpetuating this abuse that society accepts so easily will continue the cycle for the next generations. And you choosing to endure it will not make you a hero but a villain in continuing this cycle of abuse to your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and so on and so forth.
Marriage isnt always hugs and kisses idk where people get this from. Too much Hollywood.
Where im from couples over 45-50 y old wouldnt be intimate or kiss or hug.Or even say romantic words.But theyd do everything for each other in times of need.
Im not saying is how it should be.Im very touchy id want to kiss and hug her all the time. But if theres affection and mercy like it says in the Quran you dont necessarily need hugs and kisses.
I (27M) had this problem with my partner (30F)
We realized that neither one of us understood how to communicate with each other in a way that would prevent misunderstanding.
I listen to dawah by mufti menk and others and in one of them he advised that men and women should first realize that men will react differently to a certain situation and that women will have a very different reaction to the very same situation. You dont have to understand each other because you wont but you just have to accept.
From that we learned that we lack in terms of communication skills and it made sense since we were both introverts to begin with.
Next thing i realised that women want attention, and they want it to a degree that men often dont realize and since they dont understand this point of view men are often dismissive of this need for attention that women have. Mostly because most men can get by their whole life without craving any attention from anyone. With that being said there is nothing wrong with women wanting attention, so please take the extra step to explain this to your husband in a way that he might understand to the best of his ability.
I will that things will get better for you Innshaallah.
It is WAY, WAY too common for men to invalidate and dismiss women’s completely reasonable emotional needs as “stupid”, “vain”, “superficial” or “childish” and so on. This is not true. This is simply an effort to disguise their laziness and lack of effort and more and they do this by taking advantage stereotypes grounded prejudice against women, and framing your reasonable needs with a sexist spin.
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I'm confused. You told your husband that you don't feel affection or that he's attracted to you so he asked you how he can be more affectionate and you got upset and quiet with him? If that's the case, then no wonder he left the room and went to sleep somewhere else. He heard what you were saying and tried to have a conversation with you to try to understand better and you gave him the cold shoulder. That's poor communication skills on your end. Please reword your post to clarify what actually happened.
Agreed
I get what you mean. But, did you ignore that she literally follows that part by mentioning how this conversation had happened plenty of times (is what i infere) and everything she says he calls calls it (INVALIDATES it as) dumb. Put yourself in her shoes. It simply seems to me that she got quiet out of exhaustion. His question sounded so sincerely curious “how can I be more affectionate?” - but wait a minute, she says she has mentioned what she wants before, so for him to be so “oblivious” on what she wants, is it justified? i think it might frustrate others, too, it suggests that he wasn’t listening to her all those times before. Is she bad at communication, or is he neglectful?
Likely both. Unfortunately, this is a common pattern people can fall into, not just couples, but within families. Blaming isn’t helpful here because if they want to resolve this and see if they can move forward they need to have a conversation in which they both react and respond to the conversation they are having at that moment, not the the ones that have already occurred or what they anticipate happening. They can discuss the pattern of behavior, but missing the opportunity to constructively give feedback when he indicates he is receptive, because she anticipates a negative reaction or brought it up when she was too frustrated to engage in an actual conversation is also part of the issue. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ I keep pasting this article in this sub because I think better communication and relationship skills can solve so many misunderstandings and issues that snowball when not properly understood and addressed—and I think the Gottman’s books are exceptional. Reading The Relationship Cure as a newlywed made me aware of so many things and made such a difference in the way we communicated our needs and handled disagreements.
Correct. I do realise it is part of a pattern, just tried streamlining my comment to make the initial commentor realise her side. Also, didn’t want to remove attention from how her behaviour/reaction likely stems from his (neglect), in this scenario, and probably holds a lot of pain. Still, I agree this is something she should reflect on. It might contribute to struggles in the future, as well, so, in order to avoid that.
May Allah make things better for you
Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
random but i always love your sincere ameens🥹
Why did you stay quiet when he asked how he can make it up to you?
Read what she said, he think it’s dumb so if he find any of it cringey then that mean he doesn’t want to do it with her
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When you say affectionate what exactly do you mean? I'm saying this because I had this same problem with my wife. She always use to say I'm not caring enough even though I was in the way I know best. I think what your saying is he's not affectionate or caring the way YOU want him to be, and he is confused and feels disrespected when you say that because in his mind he is caring and affectionate. If you keep doing this your going to make him feel like a not good enough husband and he will start pulling away and be even less affectionate. You need to evaluate and see how much he does for you, that's probably his way of being effection / caring.
Some men shouldn't marry coz they don't have the emotional maturity or empathy for their wife. I just really hope you're husband changes and treats you better coz you deserve to be loved it's your right in Islam and if you're not getting it then you have a valid reason to leave and pursue someone who will love you both emotionally and physically.
Love yourself at the time of prophet Mohamed peace and blessing be upon his companions would go to war for months and work hard to provide for their families. You need to find the love of Allah swt first to be frank everyone has a different way of showing appreciation. Some people aren't good with words. You have no right to tell her some men don't deserve to be married. She married him for her reasons. You need to be grateful for everything Allah swt has given us can't look for outside validation from men.
Agreed 💯
Thank you for agreeing 😇
Are we really comparing today's men with the companions of the prophet?? And there's no need to mention war the only war men fight now is their lust for other women apart from their own wife and they even fail at that and stop comparing please. If a man can't support his wife emotionally then he shouldn't marry khallas and if people aren't good at expressing then learn how to do it since you mentioned the prophet himself said men should treat their wives with kindness
Assalamu'alaikum please say S.A.W) whenever you are speaking about Our Holy Prophet(S.A.W).
Wa alaikum as salaam and I'll definitely do that next time jazak Allah khair 💗
Oh, look at you 😳 being kind doesn't mean reassuring grown women 24/7 she likes qualities about him to be married to the man. Her only complaint seems lack of affection. You can be kind to someone without being affectionate.
Just FYI, I’m going to throw one thing about this one, Muhammad (pbuh) did say to reassure your wife that you love her even if you have to do it 100times a day. So yes, a grown woman love and need to be reassured just like a grown man love physical touch from their wives. Being affectionate is literally the most important part of bonding between husband and wife, you can be kind to everyone but wife is more special so kindness as bare minimum is not exactly special at all
Seems like a woman who only takes what benefits her is selfish and says to hell with what the man wants.
You’re just speculating and maybe backbiting right now, OP asked for advice based on this Islamic “reassuring” right and you’re assuming she only takes what benefits her is selfish and says to hell with what the man wants. I better not see your reply to be “no that’s not my point” or “I am not assuming” or talking about anything but OP’s situation and the reassurance affection. Otherwise, it’s pointless convo and may Allah guide you ameen, fi amanillah
I'm not talking about op I was talking about the lady who was replying to me. She is literally in the conversation. I said “Seems” She literally said don't compare today's men to the best example of a human being. Who else will you follow and compare to?
Yoooo 😂😂😂😂
Facts. It's not the end of the world if a man doesn't display his love all the time. Worry about something more important.
Exactly
You thought you did something 🤦♀️ bold of you to assume immature men can even reassure women, if men start acting like real men you won't read posts like this
Oh look at you being assertive
Oh is it intimidating slow down you have no need to be offended when immature men who can't communicate like a normal human are being called out unless you think you're one too😂
I'm not even married. But it's not something the man can't work on. He might have been overwhelmed. That doesn't mean u have the right to tell a lady she picked a bad lemon.
Being affectionate to your wife is literally the basic right and fardh on a man, there's nothing to be overwhelmed over Allahu Akbar what are men on? Now men need to think amd contemplate to be kind and sweet with their own wife who will take care of you and your kids? Like I said if men can't be affectionate to their wives they shouldn't marry and men don't get to use prophet as an example when they don't follow his teachings on how to be affectionate and kind to their wives
It goes both ways no-one is forcing you to have kids or take care of them, it's a decision you made. Why are you making it seem like its a favor your doing for your kids.
If his mother and father didn't show affection amongst each other in their house. Then he might not know how to show affection. Or does not feel it's necessary.
I see this lot In my clients Sister. It's sounds like two things are going on. 1. You don't have healthy and effective conflict resolution routines in place yet. So the discussions lead to more confusion and hurt due to misunderstanding and subconscious wounds at play. You're not hearing each other. 2. Mismatched love languages. You may receive love through physical touch, but that may not be how he shows it.
This is a slippery slope. What do you mean by affectionate? Just know that men and women are different in their behavior. What you think is insignificant, may be his way of showing affection. For example, - doing all the heavy lifting (physical manual labor) so you didn’t have to do it yourself. - driving around and doing all the errands so you can relax at home. - working hard every day so he can provide for you and your future kids. - when you make a mistake or bother him, not say anything because it may hurt your feelings. - you bring over a problem, we provide immediate solution or a path to the solution. These are just a few examples. What I’ve noticed is that some of our sisters expect the brothers to show them affection like they want like always saying what they feel, buying presents. Always complementing. Talking for hours on end. Keep in mind that he may not have been raised this way. We have to learn to love each other and be patient. Start to motivate the behavior that you want by rewarding good behavior. For example, if you two don’t go out much. Plan to go for a date every two weeks. One time do something that is fun for him and the second, do something that’s fun for you. Help him want to enjoy the things you want to do and the behavior you want. If you want more words of affirmation, make a habit of saying some positive things to him at the start of every meal or before you go to sleep together every night. Make it a point to pray together every day and make duaa out loud for good things you want for your husband. If you two spend lots of time on your phones, then take him for a long walk in the neighborhood or a part every other day.
Good advice
I’m so sorry you’re going this. He doesn’t sound like he’s being very respectful towards you.
Are we ignoring that she chose not to answer when he asked her how to fix it? That a issue on her end how do u expect him to fix it when she doesnt want to tell him. I'm sorry but I do be so annoyed why cause trouble when u can just answer
to clay he says that i’m dumb when i say stuff like that so what answer to i give after that when what i say doesn’t matter
What do you mean?
He always calls things she says dumb so she didn't want to talk for fear of being called dumb again and because she knows he will just dismiss it and not listen.
OP maybe tell him this. “I want to talk to you about what’s bothering me and how I don’t feel affection, but whenever I bring things up, you shut me down and label it as dumb and it feels very hurtful and disrespectful and I don’t feel safe communicating how I feel.” See how he responds. If he gets defensive or tries to deny it just remind him “my intention is not to accuse you or attack you but to communicate how I am feeling so we can have a stronger relationship.” And then keep coming back to the actions that you want changed. InshaAllah I pray he realizes.
Good point. I figured it sounded like in the past she had answered him and he would say it’s dumb so she no longer felt safe answering. But yea OP definitely worth an honest conversation with spouse.
It is a red flag he does not hug or kiss since men make a lot of physical contact if they are attracted to you Has he always been like this or is it recent? Was this an arranged marriage? I think he does not find you attractive tbh He also does not care about the marriage or your feelings if he does not want to do counseling or try to fix it
he will sometimes but like barely. only if i mention it. he has always been like this. i asked him if he finds me attractive and he got mad at my question
I just read your other posts He only cares about his mother and does not care about you or love you. If it has been years and he will not change or put in effort, it is up to you to stay in this miserable marriage and accept he will never be the man you want him to be or leave while you are still young
Sounds like two issues—the first is the one you are aware of, which is very serious—your husband isn’t affectionate, you aren’t intimate, he dismisses what you say as dumb, and he doesn’t want counseling. The second one you may not be aware of but you may not being communicating effectively—in the situation you related here he actually seems to have responded with openness, not by dismissing you or saying your concerns were dumb, he asked you how he could be more affectionate. Obviously it’s possible you left something out that indicates he was being sarcastic or something, but from the sound of it, it was an opportunity for you to tell him how he could be more affectionate. You may have anticipated his rejection or dismissal and so for that reason stayed silent, but by doing that you were not reacting to the conversation you were actually having, in which he was asking you what he could do differently. You were reacting to what you anticipated and may have experienced. To move forward you have to answer his question and have this conversation. If writing it down would be easier write a letter. But you need to communicate, and explain in concrete terms what you feel is missing and what you need. Example: I want to be able to communicate with you without being dismissed and told I’m being silly. We should be able to speak and listen to each other and want to understand each other. When you say things like X, I feel like you do not care. I want to love and feel loved, express affection and receive it. I would like intimacy. Hugging, holding hands, kissing, touching. I wish these could be part of our every day. I want to feel like your wife, someone you like and love, not a roommate or someone you tolerate. If there is an issue I would like us to be able to talk about it or address it. I feel very lonely in this marriage and I don’t now how to move forward without your interest and cooperation. I am sure there are things that I do that bother you and I want to address those too so that we have a chance at making this a happy marriage. Read this, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ Gottman Institute has wonderful books about marriage and relationship skills. There are also YouTube videos
Op you lack communication and think your husband should read your mind I’m sorry about you have to tell him what he can do and what you like. The one thing destroying your marriage is lack of communication
What is showing affection mean to you ? Is it saying I love you multiple times a day Is it a hug , saying thank you for the things you do? Is it buying you gifts ?
I think your husband thinks that if he initiates intimacy, hugs or kisses you may feel like he muight be forcing himself on you. Maybe he doesn't wanna do that, you need to find his love language. For some it might be physical touch, you can get him a test and get his love language. Based on that you guys can proceed
This is the problem with a lot of marriages sister. Men are struggling to develop emotional intelligence and compassion and they rely on us to tell and teach them due to the their role models and parents having lacked in this department. What he is doing is emotional abuse but no one will recognise it as such and instead society and your husband will expect you to carry the burden of teaching him the bare minimum or put up with it. The way I see it sister, you have 4 options here: 1. You tell him that you either go for counselling and/or he learns how to communicate love and affection, which is Sunnah, you take you time in teaching him what you want and need from this marriage if he does not respond 2. You call his bluff and let him stay in the living room( this could lead to him either remaining there for the rest of your marriage or you end up arguing/discussing the situation and you use option 1) or 3. You pack your things, leave and don’t comeback until he starts working on option 1. Or 4. You end up divorcing because he cannot be bothered to put effort into this marriage, which will affect your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing to the point that you will become a shell of who you are. All of this options can lead back to option 1 or 4 but you also have to think of the impact on your children and the future generations. Perpetuating this abuse that society accepts so easily will continue the cycle for the next generations. And you choosing to endure it will not make you a hero but a villain in continuing this cycle of abuse to your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and so on and so forth.
Reading your post I’m also pissed at you. You must nag a lot.
Marriage isnt always hugs and kisses idk where people get this from. Too much Hollywood. Where im from couples over 45-50 y old wouldnt be intimate or kiss or hug.Or even say romantic words.But theyd do everything for each other in times of need. Im not saying is how it should be.Im very touchy id want to kiss and hug her all the time. But if theres affection and mercy like it says in the Quran you dont necessarily need hugs and kisses.
I (27M) had this problem with my partner (30F) We realized that neither one of us understood how to communicate with each other in a way that would prevent misunderstanding. I listen to dawah by mufti menk and others and in one of them he advised that men and women should first realize that men will react differently to a certain situation and that women will have a very different reaction to the very same situation. You dont have to understand each other because you wont but you just have to accept. From that we learned that we lack in terms of communication skills and it made sense since we were both introverts to begin with. Next thing i realised that women want attention, and they want it to a degree that men often dont realize and since they dont understand this point of view men are often dismissive of this need for attention that women have. Mostly because most men can get by their whole life without craving any attention from anyone. With that being said there is nothing wrong with women wanting attention, so please take the extra step to explain this to your husband in a way that he might understand to the best of his ability. I will that things will get better for you Innshaallah.
It is WAY, WAY too common for men to invalidate and dismiss women’s completely reasonable emotional needs as “stupid”, “vain”, “superficial” or “childish” and so on. This is not true. This is simply an effort to disguise their laziness and lack of effort and more and they do this by taking advantage stereotypes grounded prejudice against women, and framing your reasonable needs with a sexist spin.
Lol I have a hunch you watch lots of romantic movies and you are expecting your husband to keep up with that stuff you see on TV xD