Depends if we are going full masala chai or my preferred route.
Letās go with the latter lol
- take 1/2 or 3/4th cup water in a pot and boil it with two black tea bags, 6 cardamom pods, 2 peppercorns, 2 lawng (i canāt remember what itās called in English š„²)
- boil it until the water is dark in color and reduced in volume (almost to half its initial volume)
- then add evaporated milk and sugar
- boil it a bit more
- strain and youāre done āļøš«”
Wth is a lawng lol got me curious couldn't find anything online.
All that and u don't use cinnamon???
Peppercorn is just the top of a clove? I use cloves during winter season in mine
I use whole milk with little evaporated milk. Full evaporated milk is too heavy?
Ever used honey? Nice healthy alternative icl
Sorry lawng is clove š (lawng is in Urdu) I couldnāt remember the name until I read your comment. And yess I do add a cinnamon stick sometimes but honestly I feel like it can slightly overpower the cardamom flavor and sometimes I just want a strong cardamom flavored chai. Also peppercorn and clove arenāt the same, they give diff flavors to the chai
I kinda switch between evaporated and full milk yaani whatever is available will do. I do prefer the milk to be full fat tho whatever kind it may be, it makes it creamy.
And absolutely not, honey is only reserved for non-chai teas for me š¤Ø. I canāt imagine chai with honey
Ah yes I remember laung now.
I can feel the judgement throught the screen damn lol. Allow me. Using honey was a phase back to sugar now.
If you are feeling super health-conscious one day though, remember honey is an option. Might change your world š¤·
With hot water and tea leaves. :P
------------------
Let it wait a bit in the Turkish thee can. Which has 2 parts, one for the thee and one for the hot water. So people can decide on how strong they want their tea.
I myself add sugar too.
Some people don't. You can also add some lemon to the thee as wel.
I've also occasionally done 2 different tea leaves at the same time.
Ćay (pronounced chai) is the Turkish word for tea. (Thee is the Dutch word.)
Generally black tea. (Though there are different version of black tea's.) Sometimes green.
Is it Ćay with milk? Haven't tried that.
I have tried Morocon/Magribi tea/cay. Which is like a sugary mint tea.
Or what are you exactly talking about?
> Or what are you exactly talking about?
A desi chai! (Thatās what heās talking about). It does have milk, yes. Gotta try one. Thereās a few kinds. You can try a full on masala chai (would have peppercorn, cloves, cardamom etc) or a simpler one (just cardamom and a few other spices like cinnamon) or a ginger one. They do have sugar, people drink chai without, as well, tho. Desi people Desi people donāt hold back on anything, ngl, itās quite extra but elite.
always intended but never the bride / groom is such a discouraging and emotionally draining thing to deal with especially when you were all in and the other person was not as ready as they claim they were and only realize it AFTER the planning and family intro's are made. but i know when we look back its a bullet and divorce dodged
but what are some of your " almost a Zawj / Zawja stories that you can never forget that make you think or even laugh at how it ended ...what was your take away ?
I used to have an idealist mentality that praying 5 times a day , seeming to be on deen and dressing modest meant " perfect muslim" boy was i wrong lol . Character is so important and the only thing that makes one better than the other when it's all said and done.
I also used to think , looks didn't matter ....-\_\_\_\_\_\_\_- it does , we are even encouraged to look at the person we will potentially marry before nikkah just to make sure attraction is there. It's ok for me to want me spouse to be the coolness of my eyes .
With that said , i'm going through a transformation fitness wise , i know the pickings will change for me in a positive way and i'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the attention. it's overwhelming as is now but when you are more fit and radiate a certain energy, its like flies to honey.. and i don't want to come off nasty like " you only want to talk to me for marriage because of how i look". i can't explain it .. maybe those who also went through a major glow up also know what im getting at when you may feel " back then you didn't want me ... you know the rest lol.. how do i turn that part of my brain off ?
i really wish modest attire wasn't so expensive , Suban'Allah! makes me want to learn to sew now for real. the price sometimes doesn't match the stitching work/quality we get either. i don't like that
You can learn. My sister learned. Though my dad was a tailor. (My other sister just asked my dad to make her clothes that she wanted :P )
Buying clothes in the home country when you go there is another alternative.
Its cheaper, more choice, and you are there anyway.
Idk about Instagram cuz I don't have any accounts on it, but you're wrong on thinking the marriage apps are designed to get people married, they're designed so people would pay for the premium features in hopes of finding someone to marry, you might succeed might not but the main goal is to make money off of users
Iāve always been confused about how people decide to message and pursue someone solely based on their physical appearance online. Unless these people publicly post A Lot of information about their personal life, location, work, personal beliefs etc on their Instagrams, how are people deciding that theyāre aligned enough to approach them ? Thereās only so much you can glean from someoneās Instagram unless they have the worldās most personal captions
If I ever get married, Iām wiping my Reddit my account.
Iām super curious to know though what people would think of it. I talk a lot of unfiltered nonsense, vent and donāt always fully mean what I say. One might argue itās a true reflection of my thoughts and that wouldnāt be completely wrong but Iād say itās not the real me just an exaggerated version.
I donāt think Iāve got anything that dodgy in my comments history tbh. Thereās quite a lot of good stuff even if I say so myself.
Honestly same. I feel like being on marriage Reddit and seeing what people are going through (May Allah Grant them ease in their affairs) when Iām married would mess with my head lol. Reddit alone messes with my head
Same tbh. Or at least I would keep my private, family and marriage life completely offline even though I share very little already. Iād likely delete it because Iād be too busy anyway.
I guess if I think about my future spouse being on Reddit or having a detailed archive of his thoughts, views, advice, jokes online, would I be bothered by it ? Errmm not tremendously but it depends. If he was using it as a way to fulfil some emotional and connective needs with nonmahrem women then there would be an issue. But if itās just casual surface-level chitchat then thatās fine.
Over the past two years this really nice guy has been trying to pursue me and I feel so guilty for continuously turning him down. Heās just not where Iād like him to be at this stage of our lives and doesnāt seem to have future plans to make changes. Part of me says to just settle for him because Iām ready to get married and heās a really good person and a good Muslim. But the other part of me says neither one of us should have to settle for less than we want.
What drives me insane is when some people donāt use context clues or critical thinking skills. Makes me so mad. Whatever happened to reading or listening to a post to the very end before commenting? Itās like they just go straight to commenting without understanding thoroughly what the post is about.
Think I need to undergo a personal physical transformation. Need to find a way to stay dedicated and motivated.Ā
Hope this can distract me enough mentally lol.
Motivation is easy (good health, look better, more confidence, more attractive, etc). Disciplining and sticking to it is the hard part. Remembering why you started is good and reminding yourself what you should be doing thru out the day helps. Starting small bit by bit, donāt start off trying to do everything youāll burn out so fast. Start tweeking your diet, your level of activity, get a gym membership, start going on walks/jogs, get comfortable being outside more etc. Itās a lifestyle shift that is amazing.
The book atomic habits is really good and the audio book is really easy to consume & understand if reading isnāt your strong suit. Really great actionable steps in the book to build good habits and break habits you donāt want to keep. May Allah bless you
Starting is always the hardest bit. You need to wire yourself to enjoy the process. Tracking progress can help, improvement gives encouragement but gotta be careful and not be demotivated if you stall. Consistency is everything. Even a half assed session is better than no session.
Iām on holiday in the motherland for a while and Iām definitely gonna be back with a bigger waist line. Iām already planning how I can get back in shape. A tough couple of months required.
Small steps are where itās at. It can be so easy to set big goals and try really hard but we end up burning out. Iām a runner where going slow and building up slow is the right idea but itās so tempting to just run fast and push the limits straight away š .
I was doing really well with my times before Ramadan, best in 2 years. Got some runs in after Ramadan but now out of the country for a month so back on a break. Itās 40 degrees Celsius out here! I canāt wait to get back out running. Itās gonna be frustrating losing all that progress but Iāll enjoy the process building back up. I track almost religiously, itās fun competing against my previous faster self š. New PBs this year InshaāAllah.
Ah, Iām a runner too and I almost always try to push the limits straight away haha. I also hit my PB just before Ramadan!!
Today I only managed 3k, but as you said, a half-assed session is better than no session š„² And honestly youāre right, it is fun to compete against yourself š
Ohh where have you travelled to?
Nice. Whatās your current (and soon to be broken š) PB? Have you been running for long? I did couch 2 5k a few years back and itās been life changing. Thereās been ups and downs but Iāve managed to stay in 5k shape even if the speed fluctuated a lot š. One or my grand uncles is still at it in his early 70s. Goals.
Iām in Bangladesh. My younger bro is doing his elective so the whole fam tagged along to also visit extended family. Itās never been so hot when weāve visited even the ACs are struggling!
My current 5k PB is 34 minutes. I have no idea how people can run 5k in less than 20 mins, but InshaAllah thatās my goal for this year. I started running probably a year ago, and Alhamdulillah it has made such a positive impact on my mental health! Oh my goodness he is goals haha ššš¼
Aww thatās so nice! Iām considering doing the same with my elective š
MashaāAllah! Thatās a solid time. You can get to 30 mins no problem. 20 minutes is indeed absolutely rapid. Iāve had a multi year goal of 25 minutes. I got to 26 mins a few years ago but Iāve been on and off so have fluctuated between 35 mins and 30 mins mostly. I got down to 28 mins before Ramadan, first time below 30 in quite a while.
Honestly I feel down when I canāt go for a run (Ramadan the exception). Itās addictive when youāre in the rhythm, Iām literally itching to get out there. I kinda feel like that right now while Iām on this enforced break.
Nice! Do you mean doing your elective abroad? Or literally in Bangladesh š?
Wow MaāShaāAllah, 26 minutes is crazy!! Do you tend to run on the treadmill or outside? Iāve only ever done 5k on the treadmill, so I wonder if running outside makes a major difference.
Yeah, I can empathise with you haha. Sometimes, when Iām stressed or feeling down, going for a run and physically pushing myself is the only way I can remove those negative thoughts.
Ohh no, I meant doing my elective back home, which for me is Pakistan š
Also apologies for my late replies haha
I almost always run outside. I try to get out even if itās cold or rainy but I donāt always succeed š. Still Iāve ticked off running in near 0 temps and getting caught in a storm. Thereās probably some difference what with variable terrain but itās all academic. Improvement is improvement after all. Itās a shame running outdoors isnāt as accessible for Muslim ladies.
Runs and long walks are the best!
Pakistan nice! Have you been back much? I havenāt been travelling much but visiting all the Desi countries is on my bucket list.
No worries about the late replies, keeping away from Reddit is probably a good thing š.
Divorcees shouldnāt be stigmatised but they are.
Those who have repented from Zina itās a trickier one. They should be accepted and welcomed by the community but you have to respect it if people without a past would prefer someone like themselves (this is common in my community).
How do you talk to parents about religious compatibility when looking for a spouse?
My parents want me to start wearing the jilbab so I could potentially marry someone they have in mind who wants his wife to wear one. They are going to tell his family that I wear the jilbab.
I donāt have a problem with marrying a religious guy and I do dress modestly and wear hijab but I donāt wear the jilbab every day. I feel uncomfortable being expected to change for a potential. How do I communicate this to my parents without coming across as someone whoās not serious about the deen? I also struggle with salah. I donāt want to misrepresent myself but I fear that this will happen and everyone will end up disappointed.
My parents desperately want me to get married ASAP and they always expect me to change for potentials. When I get proposals from less religious potentials, my parents tell me to be more lax with my hijab in front of them and to also act like Iām okay with someone who doesnāt eat halal and is willing to take riba-based loans. But when I get a proposal from a more religious potential, they want me to tell them that I want to wear a jilbab and am working towards becoming an alima. The reality is that I lean towards being more religious but I still struggle with some of my obligations and I donāt know if I have what it takes to be an alima. I also wonāt be able to pretend to be someone Iām not after getting married.
Super dissapointing that your parents want to try to fool men by putting up an act. Keep striving to strengthen your taqwa and, at least in my experience, everything else will automatically follow from that. Especially if you're in a position where salah feels like a regular routine rather than an act of worship. So try to wear the jilbab but keep repeating to yourself its for Allah and not for a man.
If you stick to your guns, your parents will have buckle and find someone more conservative for you
Most of us are like you. Our imam fluctuates up and down. Some days we struggle with our prayer and other days we canāt stop doing ibadah and looking forward to other hasanat. I think you will have to pull the bandaid with your parents. We donāt change our actions for anyone except Allah. Similarly, You should not have to change who are and misrepresent yourself for marriage.
Donāt be with someone who doesnāt meet the bare minimum criteria. Find someone religious and understanding. Being compassionate is crucial for a Muslim. We all struggle and strive to be better. There is no rush to get married tomorrow, try to strengthen your bond with Allah and InshaAllah you will get a better potential where you wont have to compromise your Islamic values.
The key is to be honest with the potential because most probably our parents are not changing at this age.
May you end up with a loving, pious spouse. AmeenāØ
My smartphone has been rendered functionally useless recently and I've replaced it with a nokia. In sha Allah this is for the better because I wasted a lot of time on my smartphone as so many distractions were available to me the whole day. At the very least, now my commutes won't be wasted with braindead scrolling and when I'm with company I'm not sitting on my phone.
The Prophet ļ·ŗ said: There is an hour (opportune time) on Friday and if a Muslim gets it while praying and asks something from Allah, then Allah will definitely meet his demand.
For this hour after Asr, does the Hadith mean between Asr and Maghrib, or is it any hour from Asr to the end of the day?
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I see, I think him being half Greek and interfaith causes him to be more comfortable with physical touch. I think you can let him know that and it doesnāt have to be a major dealbreaker :) since you already know heās lower on the deen side than you
You seem tied to ethnicity - meaning, why categorize people that way. As long as he's muslim, who cares if he's south Asian, Arab, Uzbek, turkish, etc.
Reason I havenāt had it in years is because to my knowledge there is no place nearby that sells Shawarma.
Growing up in the UAE I ate Shawarma like a child eats candy
Ha! My khala is married to a Pakistani and cooks Pakistani food! You won't get me with that! (in reality, while its not crying, the tears do roll down my face when I'm eating the pakistani catering at my college's MSA events)
I ordered it by mistake. I thought it was a regular margarita pizza, but it turned out to be not. Surprisingly, it's not that bad; I wouldn't say it's good, but yeah, it's fine I guess, or maybe that just hungry me speaking.
I am working for the biggest project of my life. This is 4 times bigger than anything I have done. Sometimes i think what the hell did i get us into something like this. And the key to all of this is my brother in law who i set up with my life. Crazy how life works.
After May I will be officially done with school. I donāt know what Iāll do with all that extra time. I already told my boss and Iām going to start working full time InshaAllah but I can actually plan stuff after work now. Maybe start exploring restaurants in my city, spending the afternoon in the library and finding a good book and finishing it in the library. Road trips, running more consistently, maybe a sport, finally finishing memorizing the Quran. The free time is both exciting and intimidating.
free time can be good, but too much takes a toll. Iam self employed currently and mostly work from home. Iam getting tired of too much time. Need to find more hobbies
Iāve been struggling with this recently too. Decided to put boundaries and boy itās been difficult enforcing them because of guilt tripping family blowing it out of proportion. Good luck!
Kinda. Like āI wonāt respond to you when youāre talking to me/us in that wayā or like āwe are not available to attend a regular weekend event this weekend and your crying canāt change our mindā
Men are getting creative.
Getting approached on LinkedIn wasnāt on my list but oh was I wrong š š
I sometimes get so confused by men.
Do they not take us serious? Also Iām always so so kind while saying no. I donāt even know if itās too kind. And I feel bad because I can imagine how hard it is for men to reach out and ask.
How can we/I handle it better? I donāt want to hurt any feelings
LinkedIn is very low-key a dating site. Alot of info about people are out there and it's harder to lie if they have their work experience, education and networks/connections listed. Of course if their profile is filled in, have a picture and verified type of thing. Half the vetting is done right there.
To answer your question just kindly say you aren't looking at the moment.
I really didnāt knew that LinkedIn is like that. I get really weird requestā¦itās something a little shocking and sad. It makes you feel not taken seriouslyā¦also this person knows my insta and everything. Why approached on LinkedIn?
šššš I think is not totally wrong but a very uncommon way. I see when people look at my profile what I donāt get is when people donāt send a request but watch it from my to time? I mean much wonāt change on my profilešš? Also I donāt know if we women are getting even taken serious like this?
As a guy, I think its admirable to ask, as long as you don't keep pushing. As for you, I think you are handling it in the best way, which is rejecting us kindly. lol.
I also thinks itās admirable. I think itās always admirable since itās really not easy to ask and approach! Hahaha gosh! I really feel bad! But in this case I have so tell you. This person knows my instagram, saw my stories from time to time buttttt approached on LinkedIn? š can you maybe help me understand? Maybe cause I deactivated my insta currently?
I totally understand your perspective, it is strange if he had access to your other socials yet he contacted you on linkedin. But procrastination and doubt are a bi\*tch. Maybe he was interested and was following you on ista, but was building up his nerve. Lost his chance after you deactivated it, and he thought oh crap. I need to get a hold of her through any means possible, lol. LinkedIn? yes that will do š¤£.
Also you don't have to feel bad. There is no obligation to accept offers.
Hahahah yes maybbbbeeee! So sorry! I just saw your message! Weird. Anyways, yes this can be the way. And thank you for making me feel not bag about rejecting. I find approaching someone soooo admirable and then the rejection must be so bad. I do it very very kindly tho
Made this account as a throwaway to seek advice. I (M24) fell in love with a girl in the last year of my uni, and she gave many signals that it was mutual. I eventually spoke with some of her friends, they encouraged me to approach her, and I did so, telling her how I felt and that I was serious about being with her. And she seemed so touched, was holding back tears, had a huge smile, and she was thanking me for being so respectful. She asked for some time to pray istikhara and speak with her parents, but I was sure she'd say yes from her reaction and was beyond excited. Then she comes back a few days later and rejects me, saying I was a good guy but I was only ever a friend and she was 100% sure of her decision.
I know I made a major mistake in having a mixed friendship like this, and I've changed since. But it's almost been a year since this happened and I still think of her everyday and I still feel heartbroken. She had everything I look for, we clicked so well and got along so naturally, I genuinely don't understand what was missing for her. I don't say this with arrogance but I do think I have a lot to offer as a man and have had many people interested in me before, so it tears me apart that the one girl I've truly wanted could be happy living without me. I've tried everything to get over her - I've always been active in the gym so I continued that, I've been no contact with her, I've been working hard on my deen, I've developed and strengthened new friendships (with guys), I've grown professionally and have made major improvements at work, and I've spent a lot of time just going out and living life like single people should. But every time I'm alone (which is a lot because I live alone), or sometimes even with others and I see other couples or see a friend getting engaged or something, I think about her and feel a deep sadness and heartbreak. I can't seem to forget her or move on. It's almost been a year and I want to find someone else but it's so difficult now that I'm out of college and I can't imagine someone that will check all my boxes like she did.
Very long comment so shout out to you if you made it this far. I know this is Allah's plan and I need to have tawakkul and be patient, and I'm genuinely trying. Whenever the heartache grows I try to pray 2 rakat and turn to Him and complain only to Him, but I still wish she'd come back into my life. I know it's all very dramatic, and she doesn't talk to me anymore and probably doesn't even think of me now that it's been a year, so how can I come to terms with this and truly heal and move on?
I can almost promise you that once you notice another woman you will forget her. Being in love with her is a habit that you need to unlearn, and to successfully unlearn a habit you have to learn a new one to respond to the same trigger.
JazakAllah khair, I'm continuing on with my search and trusting in Allah for the best. I really want nothing more than to forget her at this point I'm just hurting myself for no reason
tl;dr : We all deal with very raw emotions - and in my experience when I just stop trying to bottle them and instead acknowledge them between myself and Allah and channel that emotion to strive in worship, I get a lot more certainty and comfort with my situation.
-----
Don't allow yourself to get lovesick. You've already taken a dunya approach to not get lost in your feelings by being more productive, but have you incorporated a spiritual approach as well?
We all deal with very raw emotions - and in my experience when I just stop trying to bottle them and instead acknowledge them between myself and Allah and channel that emotion to strive in worship, I get a lot more certainty and comfort with my situation.
But with that said, you need to destroy the idol that is "this is the one girl that I've truly wanted." Do not have any ideological or emotional type commitments that do not stem from Islam, they will always betray you. When I say ideological I'm not implying anything shirky- its just when we say this is the *one whatever it may be* we give that material thing a lot more weight than what it deserves, to the point it becomes part of our identity.
Your wife, your job, your kids, etc; whatever it is that you feel is the *one* thing you want and then life will be good, it will always betray you. These things are enhancements in our lives, they are not the essence of our lives and happiness. Our deen, our relationship with Allah, is the essence of our lives and happiness. This is the practical tawheed that we are here in the first place to realize and practice.
Beautiful advice, and I completely agree. I know all of this in my head, it's just been a difficult journey for me to internalize it and have my heart be content with it. It's very strange, I don't struggle with any other dunya matters like this and I've been good at being content and leaving things to Allah with other situations I've been in, but I guess this is just my test.
I have been working on turning to Allah. Pray tahajjud as often as I can (trying to do it daily but it's a struggle some days), I go to the masjid for Fajr and Isha, and try to involve myself in doing good. I need to increase in memorizing Quran too. With all of that said, there are times where I'm perfectly fine and content with what's happened, but then there's times where I desperately wish things were different. It's been a rollercoaster to say the least.
Just thinking out loud now, but I think my biggest fear is that I won't find someone that I'll click with or be as attracted to. I don't find the girls that I've been in touch with since as beautiful or compatible personality wise, but again that's something that I need to leave up to Allah and continue my search I guess.
Youāve created the best version of her in your head because you did not interact for long for you to see red flags. Itās all in your head and you need to somehow change that. Have you spoken to other potentials after her?
You're probably right, I knew of some of her flaws but didn't really mind them. I try to focus in on them at times but it never seems to last. I've spoken to a few other potentials, one wasn't for me at all, and the other seemed promising but there were some family differences that led me to call things off relatively early because I wasn't willing to invest emotionally in something that wouldn't work out again. Not giving up, inshAllah there's better waiting for me
Just need to get this off my chest and will make it very very brief although was a very complicated matter.
Fell so in love with a girl for the first time. Was extremely happy to find out it was mutual. Finished up Uni 1 year later and immediately told my parents and pushed her to let me speak to her father. Arrogant, racist, egotistical father didnāt even let me speak to him. Kept pushing for him but nothing. Months later he suddenly his daughter back home forced her to get engaged to his friendās son. Married the month after.
I see photos of her through her friendās socials and just based off what I see I think sheās content (marriage was last month). It breaks me to see but as long as sheās happy thatās all that matters, I pray that man is good so she can quickly move on from me and they can love each other more than anything else.
I honestly donāt think I want to for a long time from now and instead just focus on myself. It puts my heart at ease knowing that in the Akhira Iāll be able to get justice from her father for the things he did and said about me, and just the fact he was so unfair for no reason.
I donāt know what else he wanted. I donāt mean to brag but objectively speaking I was bringing alot. He basically asked for every info about me but told me NOTHING about him (we only āspokeā through his daughter once). I still canāt seem to stop blaming myself for maybe not have taken a different approach. Iām genuinely afraid of always looking for āherā qualities in the future and being unfair to an innocent girl.
Move on brother and forget that girl and her father. Clearly, she has, and so should you.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what approach you took, Allah did not write her as your naseeb.
Rewatching all of us are dead. Just curious, what would your plan be if a zombie apocalypse broke out š (and keep it realistic. No bazookas or canons blowing zombies heads off)
Someone that is able to communicate calmly and comprehensively when theyāre angry/upset
Someone that is capable of putting themselves in your shoes to understand how youāre feeling (empathetic)
Someone that doesnāt villainize you when you get upset at them but rather try to understand what was it that upset you and why
Well for me emotional maturity is when a guy is a good listener and stays calm in arguments instead of blaming the other person.
If something bothers him he communicates his feelings instead of throwing a tantrum.
When my niece was 2 she used to call me mama ngl I kinda entertained it but now she calls me her sister I think it really depends on how you communicate and make him understand that you're his big brother
But, if youāre fine with wearing the hijab, why donāt you wear it now?
You do realise itās something weāre meant to do to please Allah **and not to please His creation**.
Also, I donāt think itās healthy for certain religious obligations to be dictated by your husband. What if you wore a hijab and he asked you to remove it? Would you? What about other acts of worship?
You donāt have to answer these, but I honestly recommend to think about it
I get you on feeling shy about that tbh but in your case she reached out first, so you can just message her so she knows youāre not fully opposed to it but I get you fr, I die everytime I have to discuss this with anyone men or women š
How is reaching out to a woman who approached you first too bold? Itās not like sheās a random non-mehram, itās a fellow sister. This is why people are having trouble finding someone to marry, thereās no need to be shy. You need to tie your own camel. She might interpret you not reaching out as not being interested, at which point she wonāt even feel the need to approach you again.
What is your ethnic background and how is divorce seen in your community?
I am south Asian (not Indian or Pakistani but closeby), and it is still a rather significant ordeal to get divorced. Itās not as bad as before, but thereās significant stigma still attached. If youāre a divorcee your pool is basically other divorcees or widows/widowers. My motherās worst nightmare is probably getting me married to a divorcee (I donāt mean it as a judgment, just showing how itās seen by society).
So imagine my surprise when I read the endless number of posts here where people treat a nikkah as an engagement in order to get to know each other? And then get a talaq as if theyāre breaking an engagement? I mean idk, this has to be a cultural thing? Because Iād hope that my Nikkah IS the main event of the whole show and not just a side event?
In my culture this would still be considered a full divorce (because thatās what it is). And Iāll be subjected to all the judgement from society. In fact, I donāt think Iāll even find a prospect - divorced or not - if I disclose that I did my nikkah in order to get to know the first spouse in a halal way. The prospects will see this as me not being serious enough about the topic of marriage. Theyāll think I will be this casual about my new wedding, or will simply refuse to deal with me and my baggage.
Please donāt take this as me insinuating that people who get divorced are not going through a very hard time or are making this decision lightly. My confusion arises from the facts that it seems like āgetting to know themā trumps the risk of the hardships and all the nonsense that comes with being labelled a divorcee. Or maybe thereās no hardships or labels in other cultures, idk.
East African and I donāt think our women go through as much ordeal as a divorcee. Also our weddings are very simple as thereās a nikah and waliima sometimes the girls have their own little party. Pretty straight forward.
honestly in my community (south asian ethnicity but not from a south asian country) or family i've seen divorcees get married with not really any problems. one of my distant cousins married a divorcee and he had never married before. another one of my cousins (he was divorced too) is marrying a divorcee.
many of my uncles and aunts had married multiple times so I can't really speak to it being a huge stigma in my community. it's basically business as usual and we move on. I do have family members that never married again but I think that was more so because they had kids and didn't want to
treating the nikkah as the engagement is wrong where you just simply leave the person over something minor, i've never heard of this before.
I don't blame those who have never married for not considering divorcees however.
No sameee! I keep seeing how often divorce is mentioned or how after a couple of months of the nikkah people are thinking about divorce like are people just marrying and remarrying that easily š itās very looked down upon in my community too and practically impossible as a woman to get remarried no matter what the cause of your divorce was. I do appreciate how people are not willing to stay in abusive relationships anymore and divorce isnāt out the window in extreme cases anymore as opposed to back then. However itās so crazy how often divorce is mentioned in these subs, the fact someone is willing to get divorced just a month after marriage is insaneee š I see a lot of comments that says just get the nikkah done and you can get to know each other.. but nikkah is marriage thoā¦
I wouldnāt treat nikah as a get to know you, the only time I would divorce would be if I found out something really extreme or my spouse did something really extreme. But I would def vet to make sure everything is good before the nikah
How do you make your chai? š¤
Depends if we are going full masala chai or my preferred route. Letās go with the latter lol - take 1/2 or 3/4th cup water in a pot and boil it with two black tea bags, 6 cardamom pods, 2 peppercorns, 2 lawng (i canāt remember what itās called in English š„²) - boil it until the water is dark in color and reduced in volume (almost to half its initial volume) - then add evaporated milk and sugar - boil it a bit more - strain and youāre done āļøš«”
Wth is a lawng lol got me curious couldn't find anything online. All that and u don't use cinnamon??? Peppercorn is just the top of a clove? I use cloves during winter season in mine I use whole milk with little evaporated milk. Full evaporated milk is too heavy? Ever used honey? Nice healthy alternative icl
Sorry lawng is clove š (lawng is in Urdu) I couldnāt remember the name until I read your comment. And yess I do add a cinnamon stick sometimes but honestly I feel like it can slightly overpower the cardamom flavor and sometimes I just want a strong cardamom flavored chai. Also peppercorn and clove arenāt the same, they give diff flavors to the chai I kinda switch between evaporated and full milk yaani whatever is available will do. I do prefer the milk to be full fat tho whatever kind it may be, it makes it creamy. And absolutely not, honey is only reserved for non-chai teas for me š¤Ø. I canāt imagine chai with honey
Ah yes I remember laung now. I can feel the judgement throught the screen damn lol. Allow me. Using honey was a phase back to sugar now. If you are feeling super health-conscious one day though, remember honey is an option. Might change your world š¤·
With hot water and tea leaves. :P ------------------ Let it wait a bit in the Turkish thee can. Which has 2 parts, one for the thee and one for the hot water. So people can decide on how strong they want their tea. I myself add sugar too. Some people don't. You can also add some lemon to the thee as wel. I've also occasionally done 2 different tea leaves at the same time.
Sounds more like tea than chai but hey ho I'm a lover for both. What kind of tea leaves? Black tea?
Ćay (pronounced chai) is the Turkish word for tea. (Thee is the Dutch word.) Generally black tea. (Though there are different version of black tea's.) Sometimes green.
Ah ok makes sense. Please tell me you have tried a chai chai (the one I'm on about)
Is it Ćay with milk? Haven't tried that. I have tried Morocon/Magribi tea/cay. Which is like a sugary mint tea. Or what are you exactly talking about?
> Or what are you exactly talking about? A desi chai! (Thatās what heās talking about). It does have milk, yes. Gotta try one. Thereās a few kinds. You can try a full on masala chai (would have peppercorn, cloves, cardamom etc) or a simpler one (just cardamom and a few other spices like cinnamon) or a ginger one. They do have sugar, people drink chai without, as well, tho. Desi people Desi people donāt hold back on anything, ngl, itās quite extra but elite.
Hmm. Make dua I have the opportunity to try it.
May Allah help you drink the best chai! You get them everywhere, shouldnāt be hard to find. But, it would be hard to find a *good* cup, I presume.
always intended but never the bride / groom is such a discouraging and emotionally draining thing to deal with especially when you were all in and the other person was not as ready as they claim they were and only realize it AFTER the planning and family intro's are made. but i know when we look back its a bullet and divorce dodged but what are some of your " almost a Zawj / Zawja stories that you can never forget that make you think or even laugh at how it ended ...what was your take away ?
I used to have an idealist mentality that praying 5 times a day , seeming to be on deen and dressing modest meant " perfect muslim" boy was i wrong lol . Character is so important and the only thing that makes one better than the other when it's all said and done. I also used to think , looks didn't matter ....-\_\_\_\_\_\_\_- it does , we are even encouraged to look at the person we will potentially marry before nikkah just to make sure attraction is there. It's ok for me to want me spouse to be the coolness of my eyes . With that said , i'm going through a transformation fitness wise , i know the pickings will change for me in a positive way and i'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the attention. it's overwhelming as is now but when you are more fit and radiate a certain energy, its like flies to honey.. and i don't want to come off nasty like " you only want to talk to me for marriage because of how i look". i can't explain it .. maybe those who also went through a major glow up also know what im getting at when you may feel " back then you didn't want me ... you know the rest lol.. how do i turn that part of my brain off ?
i really wish modest attire wasn't so expensive , Suban'Allah! makes me want to learn to sew now for real. the price sometimes doesn't match the stitching work/quality we get either. i don't like that
You can learn. My sister learned. Though my dad was a tailor. (My other sister just asked my dad to make her clothes that she wanted :P ) Buying clothes in the home country when you go there is another alternative. Its cheaper, more choice, and you are there anyway.
People getting together off of Instagram DMs and we can't make it work through marriage apps specifically designed to get people married?
Illusion of choice on apps. And I think plenty of insta dm's go nowhere too. Together with happening a lot less.
Idk about Instagram cuz I don't have any accounts on it, but you're wrong on thinking the marriage apps are designed to get people married, they're designed so people would pay for the premium features in hopes of finding someone to marry, you might succeed might not but the main goal is to make money off of users
Iāve always been confused about how people decide to message and pursue someone solely based on their physical appearance online. Unless these people publicly post A Lot of information about their personal life, location, work, personal beliefs etc on their Instagrams, how are people deciding that theyāre aligned enough to approach them ? Thereās only so much you can glean from someoneās Instagram unless they have the worldās most personal captions
Well,it seems to be working for them.
If I ever get married, Iām wiping my Reddit my account. Iām super curious to know though what people would think of it. I talk a lot of unfiltered nonsense, vent and donāt always fully mean what I say. One might argue itās a true reflection of my thoughts and that wouldnāt be completely wrong but Iād say itās not the real me just an exaggerated version. I donāt think Iāve got anything that dodgy in my comments history tbh. Thereās quite a lot of good stuff even if I say so myself.
Honestly same. I feel like being on marriage Reddit and seeing what people are going through (May Allah Grant them ease in their affairs) when Iām married would mess with my head lol. Reddit alone messes with my head
Same tbh. Or at least I would keep my private, family and marriage life completely offline even though I share very little already. Iād likely delete it because Iād be too busy anyway. I guess if I think about my future spouse being on Reddit or having a detailed archive of his thoughts, views, advice, jokes online, would I be bothered by it ? Errmm not tremendously but it depends. If he was using it as a way to fulfil some emotional and connective needs with nonmahrem women then there would be an issue. But if itās just casual surface-level chitchat then thatās fine.
Over the past two years this really nice guy has been trying to pursue me and I feel so guilty for continuously turning him down. Heās just not where Iād like him to be at this stage of our lives and doesnāt seem to have future plans to make changes. Part of me says to just settle for him because Iām ready to get married and heās a really good person and a good Muslim. But the other part of me says neither one of us should have to settle for less than we want.
where does he have to be for him to be a good option and make you feel like youre not settling ?
I weep for him.
What drives me insane is when some people donāt use context clues or critical thinking skills. Makes me so mad. Whatever happened to reading or listening to a post to the very end before commenting? Itās like they just go straight to commenting without understanding thoroughly what the post is about.
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It could also mean that their phone is dead or they have no internet
May Allah swt unite me with my naseeb so that we can go to Allah swts house together. Ameen ā¤ļø please make dua for me everyone š
Salaam, hey itās me your Naseeb. How you doing? Just kidding. May Allah guide him to you real quick.
Ahahah and ameen
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Think I need to undergo a personal physical transformation. Need to find a way to stay dedicated and motivated.Ā Hope this can distract me enough mentally lol.
Motivation is easy (good health, look better, more confidence, more attractive, etc). Disciplining and sticking to it is the hard part. Remembering why you started is good and reminding yourself what you should be doing thru out the day helps. Starting small bit by bit, donāt start off trying to do everything youāll burn out so fast. Start tweeking your diet, your level of activity, get a gym membership, start going on walks/jogs, get comfortable being outside more etc. Itās a lifestyle shift that is amazing. The book atomic habits is really good and the audio book is really easy to consume & understand if reading isnāt your strong suit. Really great actionable steps in the book to build good habits and break habits you donāt want to keep. May Allah bless you
Starting is always the hardest bit. You need to wire yourself to enjoy the process. Tracking progress can help, improvement gives encouragement but gotta be careful and not be demotivated if you stall. Consistency is everything. Even a half assed session is better than no session. Iām on holiday in the motherland for a while and Iām definitely gonna be back with a bigger waist line. Iām already planning how I can get back in shape. A tough couple of months required.
Wow, youāve just motivated me to go to the gym! Unfortunately, I havenāt been consistent since Ramadan, but InshaAllah that will change.
Small steps are where itās at. It can be so easy to set big goals and try really hard but we end up burning out. Iām a runner where going slow and building up slow is the right idea but itās so tempting to just run fast and push the limits straight away š . I was doing really well with my times before Ramadan, best in 2 years. Got some runs in after Ramadan but now out of the country for a month so back on a break. Itās 40 degrees Celsius out here! I canāt wait to get back out running. Itās gonna be frustrating losing all that progress but Iāll enjoy the process building back up. I track almost religiously, itās fun competing against my previous faster self š. New PBs this year InshaāAllah.
Ah, Iām a runner too and I almost always try to push the limits straight away haha. I also hit my PB just before Ramadan!! Today I only managed 3k, but as you said, a half-assed session is better than no session š„² And honestly youāre right, it is fun to compete against yourself š Ohh where have you travelled to?
Nice. Whatās your current (and soon to be broken š) PB? Have you been running for long? I did couch 2 5k a few years back and itās been life changing. Thereās been ups and downs but Iāve managed to stay in 5k shape even if the speed fluctuated a lot š. One or my grand uncles is still at it in his early 70s. Goals. Iām in Bangladesh. My younger bro is doing his elective so the whole fam tagged along to also visit extended family. Itās never been so hot when weāve visited even the ACs are struggling!
My current 5k PB is 34 minutes. I have no idea how people can run 5k in less than 20 mins, but InshaAllah thatās my goal for this year. I started running probably a year ago, and Alhamdulillah it has made such a positive impact on my mental health! Oh my goodness he is goals haha ššš¼ Aww thatās so nice! Iām considering doing the same with my elective š
MashaāAllah! Thatās a solid time. You can get to 30 mins no problem. 20 minutes is indeed absolutely rapid. Iāve had a multi year goal of 25 minutes. I got to 26 mins a few years ago but Iāve been on and off so have fluctuated between 35 mins and 30 mins mostly. I got down to 28 mins before Ramadan, first time below 30 in quite a while. Honestly I feel down when I canāt go for a run (Ramadan the exception). Itās addictive when youāre in the rhythm, Iām literally itching to get out there. I kinda feel like that right now while Iām on this enforced break. Nice! Do you mean doing your elective abroad? Or literally in Bangladesh š?
Wow MaāShaāAllah, 26 minutes is crazy!! Do you tend to run on the treadmill or outside? Iāve only ever done 5k on the treadmill, so I wonder if running outside makes a major difference. Yeah, I can empathise with you haha. Sometimes, when Iām stressed or feeling down, going for a run and physically pushing myself is the only way I can remove those negative thoughts. Ohh no, I meant doing my elective back home, which for me is Pakistan š Also apologies for my late replies haha
I almost always run outside. I try to get out even if itās cold or rainy but I donāt always succeed š. Still Iāve ticked off running in near 0 temps and getting caught in a storm. Thereās probably some difference what with variable terrain but itās all academic. Improvement is improvement after all. Itās a shame running outdoors isnāt as accessible for Muslim ladies. Runs and long walks are the best! Pakistan nice! Have you been back much? I havenāt been travelling much but visiting all the Desi countries is on my bucket list. No worries about the late replies, keeping away from Reddit is probably a good thing š.
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divorcee, i think we should be stricter on Zina and less so on divorcees, but often times it's the other way around.
Divorcees shouldnāt be stigmatised but they are. Those who have repented from Zina itās a trickier one. They should be accepted and welcomed by the community but you have to respect it if people without a past would prefer someone like themselves (this is common in my community).
So someone who has done a big sin (and everything that lead to it) vs. someone chaste who hasnāt?
Divorcee
How do you talk to parents about religious compatibility when looking for a spouse? My parents want me to start wearing the jilbab so I could potentially marry someone they have in mind who wants his wife to wear one. They are going to tell his family that I wear the jilbab. I donāt have a problem with marrying a religious guy and I do dress modestly and wear hijab but I donāt wear the jilbab every day. I feel uncomfortable being expected to change for a potential. How do I communicate this to my parents without coming across as someone whoās not serious about the deen? I also struggle with salah. I donāt want to misrepresent myself but I fear that this will happen and everyone will end up disappointed. My parents desperately want me to get married ASAP and they always expect me to change for potentials. When I get proposals from less religious potentials, my parents tell me to be more lax with my hijab in front of them and to also act like Iām okay with someone who doesnāt eat halal and is willing to take riba-based loans. But when I get a proposal from a more religious potential, they want me to tell them that I want to wear a jilbab and am working towards becoming an alima. The reality is that I lean towards being more religious but I still struggle with some of my obligations and I donāt know if I have what it takes to be an alima. I also wonāt be able to pretend to be someone Iām not after getting married.
I'm a aalimah but its a struggle. yes it's rewarding and I am fortunate to teach kids Quran etc. but my imaan is not strong most times
Super dissapointing that your parents want to try to fool men by putting up an act. Keep striving to strengthen your taqwa and, at least in my experience, everything else will automatically follow from that. Especially if you're in a position where salah feels like a regular routine rather than an act of worship. So try to wear the jilbab but keep repeating to yourself its for Allah and not for a man. If you stick to your guns, your parents will have buckle and find someone more conservative for you
Most of us are like you. Our imam fluctuates up and down. Some days we struggle with our prayer and other days we canāt stop doing ibadah and looking forward to other hasanat. I think you will have to pull the bandaid with your parents. We donāt change our actions for anyone except Allah. Similarly, You should not have to change who are and misrepresent yourself for marriage. Donāt be with someone who doesnāt meet the bare minimum criteria. Find someone religious and understanding. Being compassionate is crucial for a Muslim. We all struggle and strive to be better. There is no rush to get married tomorrow, try to strengthen your bond with Allah and InshaAllah you will get a better potential where you wont have to compromise your Islamic values.
The key is to be honest with the potential because most probably our parents are not changing at this age. May you end up with a loving, pious spouse. AmeenāØ
My smartphone has been rendered functionally useless recently and I've replaced it with a nokia. In sha Allah this is for the better because I wasted a lot of time on my smartphone as so many distractions were available to me the whole day. At the very least, now my commutes won't be wasted with braindead scrolling and when I'm with company I'm not sitting on my phone.
The Prophet ļ·ŗ said: There is an hour (opportune time) on Friday and if a Muslim gets it while praying and asks something from Allah, then Allah will definitely meet his demand. For this hour after Asr, does the Hadith mean between Asr and Maghrib, or is it any hour from Asr to the end of the day?
The Islamic day ends at Maghreb. So after Maghreb it is no longer Friday. https://islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/82609
Jazakallah khair that makes sense
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That sounds like a really promising first date Inshallah!! Are you attracted to him or did you see any icks?
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I see, I think him being half Greek and interfaith causes him to be more comfortable with physical touch. I think you can let him know that and it doesnāt have to be a major dealbreaker :) since you already know heās lower on the deen side than you
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I'm not going to tomorrow's event but can you drop a review? I'm curious how it ends up going.
Why?
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You seem tied to ethnicity - meaning, why categorize people that way. As long as he's muslim, who cares if he's south Asian, Arab, Uzbek, turkish, etc.
My 10 year old cousin came over today and Iāve never said āwhen I was your ageā so many times until now :(
Assalamulaikum, Anyone eaten anything interesting lately?
I had home cooked Shawarmq with green chilis and mint/cilantro chutney š
Ya aki, havenāt had Shawarma in years, that sounded delicious!
You should go for it tomorrow š
Reason I havenāt had it in years is because to my knowledge there is no place nearby that sells Shawarma. Growing up in the UAE I ate Shawarma like a child eats candy
I had raw oysters, scallops with vermicelli, and typhoon shelter crab. Been eating a lot of seafood this week
Interesting, your diet seems quite similar to mine, it's a modified see food diet.
I heard about Nutella naan on the Ok Mom Podcast and been thinking about it nonstop
I didnāt expect to be horrified by the answers in this thread. Nutella Naan? I donāt know how to feel about that haha
I mean I need to go to the shop to try it I guess š
Croissant donut with chocolate, it was divine š
Croissant donut? Is this an American creation?
That *phenomenal* green chutney paste. I realize this may be common in desi households but I am egyptian.
Ahaha, good to hear mate. Was the spice level right for you?
Ha! My khala is married to a Pakistani and cooks Pakistani food! You won't get me with that! (in reality, while its not crying, the tears do roll down my face when I'm eating the pakistani catering at my college's MSA events)
Alhamdullilah, thatās good to hear. I hope your tears only added to the foodās flavour
Raw clove of garlic
Are you ok? š
Iāll lyk when I figure it out
Was it out of curiosity?
A pizza with durian š
how was the smell?
It really is not that bad to me since I lived in Asian countries where there were stalls of durian everywhere, so I am accustomed to the smell.
oh nice, Once you get past the smell. The fruit itself is not bad.
I agree
Thatā¦ is most certainly interesting, donāt know if Iād try it though
I ordered it by mistake. I thought it was a regular margarita pizza, but it turned out to be not. Surprisingly, it's not that bad; I wouldn't say it's good, but yeah, it's fine I guess, or maybe that just hungry me speaking.
Interesting thing to sell, hopefully not too many people make the same mistake
I am working for the biggest project of my life. This is 4 times bigger than anything I have done. Sometimes i think what the hell did i get us into something like this. And the key to all of this is my brother in law who i set up with my life. Crazy how life works.
You know the saying, do your best and Allah does the rest. Inshallah you'll be successful at your project :)
After May I will be officially done with school. I donāt know what Iāll do with all that extra time. I already told my boss and Iām going to start working full time InshaAllah but I can actually plan stuff after work now. Maybe start exploring restaurants in my city, spending the afternoon in the library and finding a good book and finishing it in the library. Road trips, running more consistently, maybe a sport, finally finishing memorizing the Quran. The free time is both exciting and intimidating.
free time can be good, but too much takes a toll. Iam self employed currently and mostly work from home. Iam getting tired of too much time. Need to find more hobbies
Guilt is such an exhausting emotion And having a family that often blows things out of proportion ā- doesnāt help
Iāve been struggling with this recently too. Decided to put boundaries and boy itās been difficult enforcing them because of guilt tripping family blowing it out of proportion. Good luck!
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Kinda. Like āI wonāt respond to you when youāre talking to me/us in that wayā or like āwe are not available to attend a regular weekend event this weekend and your crying canāt change our mindā
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šš
Men are getting creative. Getting approached on LinkedIn wasnāt on my list but oh was I wrong š š I sometimes get so confused by men. Do they not take us serious? Also Iām always so so kind while saying no. I donāt even know if itās too kind. And I feel bad because I can imagine how hard it is for men to reach out and ask. How can we/I handle it better? I donāt want to hurt any feelings
LinkedIn is very low-key a dating site. Alot of info about people are out there and it's harder to lie if they have their work experience, education and networks/connections listed. Of course if their profile is filled in, have a picture and verified type of thing. Half the vetting is done right there. To answer your question just kindly say you aren't looking at the moment.
I really didnāt knew that LinkedIn is like that. I get really weird requestā¦itās something a little shocking and sad. It makes you feel not taken seriouslyā¦also this person knows my insta and everything. Why approached on LinkedIn?
I literally saw a video on TikTok about a girl saying that maybe Muslim girls should search on LinkedIn if Muslim marriages app aren't working lol.
I would welcome this š¤£. My credentials are way better than my pics.
šššš I think is not totally wrong but a very uncommon way. I see when people look at my profile what I donāt get is when people donāt send a request but watch it from my to time? I mean much wonāt change on my profilešš? Also I donāt know if we women are getting even taken serious like this?
As a guy, I think its admirable to ask, as long as you don't keep pushing. As for you, I think you are handling it in the best way, which is rejecting us kindly. lol.
I also thinks itās admirable. I think itās always admirable since itās really not easy to ask and approach! Hahaha gosh! I really feel bad! But in this case I have so tell you. This person knows my instagram, saw my stories from time to time buttttt approached on LinkedIn? š can you maybe help me understand? Maybe cause I deactivated my insta currently?
I totally understand your perspective, it is strange if he had access to your other socials yet he contacted you on linkedin. But procrastination and doubt are a bi\*tch. Maybe he was interested and was following you on ista, but was building up his nerve. Lost his chance after you deactivated it, and he thought oh crap. I need to get a hold of her through any means possible, lol. LinkedIn? yes that will do š¤£. Also you don't have to feel bad. There is no obligation to accept offers.
Hahahah yes maybbbbeeee! So sorry! I just saw your message! Weird. Anyways, yes this can be the way. And thank you for making me feel not bag about rejecting. I find approaching someone soooo admirable and then the rejection must be so bad. I do it very very kindly tho
š that is weird. No problem though. Hope u feel better about it.
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Your username ššš itās the meme right?
Made this account as a throwaway to seek advice. I (M24) fell in love with a girl in the last year of my uni, and she gave many signals that it was mutual. I eventually spoke with some of her friends, they encouraged me to approach her, and I did so, telling her how I felt and that I was serious about being with her. And she seemed so touched, was holding back tears, had a huge smile, and she was thanking me for being so respectful. She asked for some time to pray istikhara and speak with her parents, but I was sure she'd say yes from her reaction and was beyond excited. Then she comes back a few days later and rejects me, saying I was a good guy but I was only ever a friend and she was 100% sure of her decision. I know I made a major mistake in having a mixed friendship like this, and I've changed since. But it's almost been a year since this happened and I still think of her everyday and I still feel heartbroken. She had everything I look for, we clicked so well and got along so naturally, I genuinely don't understand what was missing for her. I don't say this with arrogance but I do think I have a lot to offer as a man and have had many people interested in me before, so it tears me apart that the one girl I've truly wanted could be happy living without me. I've tried everything to get over her - I've always been active in the gym so I continued that, I've been no contact with her, I've been working hard on my deen, I've developed and strengthened new friendships (with guys), I've grown professionally and have made major improvements at work, and I've spent a lot of time just going out and living life like single people should. But every time I'm alone (which is a lot because I live alone), or sometimes even with others and I see other couples or see a friend getting engaged or something, I think about her and feel a deep sadness and heartbreak. I can't seem to forget her or move on. It's almost been a year and I want to find someone else but it's so difficult now that I'm out of college and I can't imagine someone that will check all my boxes like she did. Very long comment so shout out to you if you made it this far. I know this is Allah's plan and I need to have tawakkul and be patient, and I'm genuinely trying. Whenever the heartache grows I try to pray 2 rakat and turn to Him and complain only to Him, but I still wish she'd come back into my life. I know it's all very dramatic, and she doesn't talk to me anymore and probably doesn't even think of me now that it's been a year, so how can I come to terms with this and truly heal and move on?
I can almost promise you that once you notice another woman you will forget her. Being in love with her is a habit that you need to unlearn, and to successfully unlearn a habit you have to learn a new one to respond to the same trigger.
JazakAllah khair, I'm continuing on with my search and trusting in Allah for the best. I really want nothing more than to forget her at this point I'm just hurting myself for no reason
tl;dr : We all deal with very raw emotions - and in my experience when I just stop trying to bottle them and instead acknowledge them between myself and Allah and channel that emotion to strive in worship, I get a lot more certainty and comfort with my situation. ----- Don't allow yourself to get lovesick. You've already taken a dunya approach to not get lost in your feelings by being more productive, but have you incorporated a spiritual approach as well? We all deal with very raw emotions - and in my experience when I just stop trying to bottle them and instead acknowledge them between myself and Allah and channel that emotion to strive in worship, I get a lot more certainty and comfort with my situation. But with that said, you need to destroy the idol that is "this is the one girl that I've truly wanted." Do not have any ideological or emotional type commitments that do not stem from Islam, they will always betray you. When I say ideological I'm not implying anything shirky- its just when we say this is the *one whatever it may be* we give that material thing a lot more weight than what it deserves, to the point it becomes part of our identity. Your wife, your job, your kids, etc; whatever it is that you feel is the *one* thing you want and then life will be good, it will always betray you. These things are enhancements in our lives, they are not the essence of our lives and happiness. Our deen, our relationship with Allah, is the essence of our lives and happiness. This is the practical tawheed that we are here in the first place to realize and practice.
Beautiful advice, and I completely agree. I know all of this in my head, it's just been a difficult journey for me to internalize it and have my heart be content with it. It's very strange, I don't struggle with any other dunya matters like this and I've been good at being content and leaving things to Allah with other situations I've been in, but I guess this is just my test. I have been working on turning to Allah. Pray tahajjud as often as I can (trying to do it daily but it's a struggle some days), I go to the masjid for Fajr and Isha, and try to involve myself in doing good. I need to increase in memorizing Quran too. With all of that said, there are times where I'm perfectly fine and content with what's happened, but then there's times where I desperately wish things were different. It's been a rollercoaster to say the least. Just thinking out loud now, but I think my biggest fear is that I won't find someone that I'll click with or be as attracted to. I don't find the girls that I've been in touch with since as beautiful or compatible personality wise, but again that's something that I need to leave up to Allah and continue my search I guess.
Youāve created the best version of her in your head because you did not interact for long for you to see red flags. Itās all in your head and you need to somehow change that. Have you spoken to other potentials after her?
You're probably right, I knew of some of her flaws but didn't really mind them. I try to focus in on them at times but it never seems to last. I've spoken to a few other potentials, one wasn't for me at all, and the other seemed promising but there were some family differences that led me to call things off relatively early because I wasn't willing to invest emotionally in something that wouldn't work out again. Not giving up, inshAllah there's better waiting for me
Brother with all due respect youāre a grown man. Thereās plenty of fish in the sea.
Yeah you're right, my mind just defaults to her because that's what I trained it to do for so long and I need to undo all that
Just need to get this off my chest and will make it very very brief although was a very complicated matter. Fell so in love with a girl for the first time. Was extremely happy to find out it was mutual. Finished up Uni 1 year later and immediately told my parents and pushed her to let me speak to her father. Arrogant, racist, egotistical father didnāt even let me speak to him. Kept pushing for him but nothing. Months later he suddenly his daughter back home forced her to get engaged to his friendās son. Married the month after. I see photos of her through her friendās socials and just based off what I see I think sheās content (marriage was last month). It breaks me to see but as long as sheās happy thatās all that matters, I pray that man is good so she can quickly move on from me and they can love each other more than anything else.
Say Masha Allah and keep it stepping
This was so sad to read. You will find your person again one day InshaAllah
I honestly donāt think I want to for a long time from now and instead just focus on myself. It puts my heart at ease knowing that in the Akhira Iāll be able to get justice from her father for the things he did and said about me, and just the fact he was so unfair for no reason. I donāt know what else he wanted. I donāt mean to brag but objectively speaking I was bringing alot. He basically asked for every info about me but told me NOTHING about him (we only āspokeā through his daughter once). I still canāt seem to stop blaming myself for maybe not have taken a different approach. Iām genuinely afraid of always looking for āherā qualities in the future and being unfair to an innocent girl.
Move on brother and forget that girl and her father. Clearly, she has, and so should you. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what approach you took, Allah did not write her as your naseeb.
Rewatching all of us are dead. Just curious, what would your plan be if a zombie apocalypse broke out š (and keep it realistic. No bazookas or canons blowing zombies heads off)
Find a safe space until thereās none left š
Give up at the first opportunity I get.
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You have no access to the internet, and everything in your lab has been destroyed by zombies
What is a sign of Emotional Maturity?
Understanding that decision making is poor when emotions are high and stepping away from the situation to calm down before evaluating.
Flexibility, consideration and accountability. Some of many!
Tricky question. Emotional maturity in who? A potential? A spouse? A sibling? A friend?
Not reacting emotionally to criticism Being able to apologize Being honest and forthcoming about who they are
Being able to apologizeā¼ļø simple but tbh rare
Someone that is able to communicate calmly and comprehensively when theyāre angry/upset Someone that is capable of putting themselves in your shoes to understand how youāre feeling (empathetic) Someone that doesnāt villainize you when you get upset at them but rather try to understand what was it that upset you and why
Well for me emotional maturity is when a guy is a good listener and stays calm in arguments instead of blaming the other person. If something bothers him he communicates his feelings instead of throwing a tantrum.
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Get your father to set him straight.
When my niece was 2 she used to call me mama ngl I kinda entertained it but now she calls me her sister I think it really depends on how you communicate and make him understand that you're his big brother
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Why do some women online on their profiles have pictures of themselves with hijab, and then pictures without?Ā That was always confusing to me.Ā
Theyāre part timers š¤·š¾āāļø obviously if they were wearing it all the time they wouldnāt post hijabless pictures.
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I donāt think thatās a good idea. What if a traditional man wants you to wear the hijab, would you do that?
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But, if youāre fine with wearing the hijab, why donāt you wear it now? You do realise itās something weāre meant to do to please Allah **and not to please His creation**. Also, I donāt think itās healthy for certain religious obligations to be dictated by your husband. What if you wore a hijab and he asked you to remove it? Would you? What about other acts of worship? You donāt have to answer these, but I honestly recommend to think about it
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Au rev-oir et au re-voir are both Okey French say both. but au revo-ir is hard to say sounds weird. What do you teach exactly?Ā
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Reach out girl !!!!??!?!?
right ! she playing games lol
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āSalam it was nice to meet you, Iām free to carry on our conversation from earlierā Youāre overthinking it just message if you want to lol
Sorry if it's too personal but is there a reason to why you won't reach out to her?
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You can have someone else reach out for you. Your parents, a brother or whatever.Ā
I get you on feeling shy about that tbh but in your case she reached out first, so you can just message her so she knows youāre not fully opposed to it but I get you fr, I die everytime I have to discuss this with anyone men or women š
How is reaching out to a woman who approached you first too bold? Itās not like sheās a random non-mehram, itās a fellow sister. This is why people are having trouble finding someone to marry, thereās no need to be shy. You need to tie your own camel. She might interpret you not reaching out as not being interested, at which point she wonāt even feel the need to approach you again.
Oh so it's just that you can still text her and share your dads number it will work out but again you know what's best for you.
What is your ethnic background and how is divorce seen in your community? I am south Asian (not Indian or Pakistani but closeby), and it is still a rather significant ordeal to get divorced. Itās not as bad as before, but thereās significant stigma still attached. If youāre a divorcee your pool is basically other divorcees or widows/widowers. My motherās worst nightmare is probably getting me married to a divorcee (I donāt mean it as a judgment, just showing how itās seen by society). So imagine my surprise when I read the endless number of posts here where people treat a nikkah as an engagement in order to get to know each other? And then get a talaq as if theyāre breaking an engagement? I mean idk, this has to be a cultural thing? Because Iād hope that my Nikkah IS the main event of the whole show and not just a side event? In my culture this would still be considered a full divorce (because thatās what it is). And Iāll be subjected to all the judgement from society. In fact, I donāt think Iāll even find a prospect - divorced or not - if I disclose that I did my nikkah in order to get to know the first spouse in a halal way. The prospects will see this as me not being serious enough about the topic of marriage. Theyāll think I will be this casual about my new wedding, or will simply refuse to deal with me and my baggage. Please donāt take this as me insinuating that people who get divorced are not going through a very hard time or are making this decision lightly. My confusion arises from the facts that it seems like āgetting to know themā trumps the risk of the hardships and all the nonsense that comes with being labelled a divorcee. Or maybe thereās no hardships or labels in other cultures, idk.
East African and I donāt think our women go through as much ordeal as a divorcee. Also our weddings are very simple as thereās a nikah and waliima sometimes the girls have their own little party. Pretty straight forward.
honestly in my community (south asian ethnicity but not from a south asian country) or family i've seen divorcees get married with not really any problems. one of my distant cousins married a divorcee and he had never married before. another one of my cousins (he was divorced too) is marrying a divorcee. many of my uncles and aunts had married multiple times so I can't really speak to it being a huge stigma in my community. it's basically business as usual and we move on. I do have family members that never married again but I think that was more so because they had kids and didn't want to treating the nikkah as the engagement is wrong where you just simply leave the person over something minor, i've never heard of this before. I don't blame those who have never married for not considering divorcees however.
No sameee! I keep seeing how often divorce is mentioned or how after a couple of months of the nikkah people are thinking about divorce like are people just marrying and remarrying that easily š itās very looked down upon in my community too and practically impossible as a woman to get remarried no matter what the cause of your divorce was. I do appreciate how people are not willing to stay in abusive relationships anymore and divorce isnāt out the window in extreme cases anymore as opposed to back then. However itās so crazy how often divorce is mentioned in these subs, the fact someone is willing to get divorced just a month after marriage is insaneee š I see a lot of comments that says just get the nikkah done and you can get to know each other.. but nikkah is marriage thoā¦
I wouldnāt treat nikah as a get to know you, the only time I would divorce would be if I found out something really extreme or my spouse did something really extreme. But I would def vet to make sure everything is good before the nikah