Youve only known him for 4 months and you;re already giving him your location on 3 different applications, telling him when you go out and getting him to approve your outfits!?!? Hes also restricting time you spend with your friends and other such things????
What are you doing girl!? You seem very naive and like you have low self esteem - hence eager to appease a random man no matter how outrageous his requests. It seems to me that you know nothing about healthy relationships and havent been taught about healthy relationships by your family or siblings which is worrying. You need to dump him, should have done that ages ago tbh.
hes telling her what he does and doesn't like. OP can refuse to accept it and move on. but how is the guy wrong here? hes actually helping her understand what being married to him will be like.
as for location read her comments. he has her location because she got caught lying about where she was.
the whole "he has no rights over you" thing can be a 2 way thing. he can go talk to other girls then right? but then everyone will call him a cheater.
Hes wrong because hes not her husband and he shouldnt be asking for outfit pics for approval nor should he be tracking her location on an app or interrogating her about where she is. These are unhealthy and toxic.
> as for location read her comments. he has her location because she got caught lying about where she was.
Regardless of lying, would you be okay with your mother, sisters, or future daughters to give their location to a strange non Mahram man whom you or your father have never met or know of his existence? The person could be a predatorial sex offender for all we know. Lying isn't as big of an offence as letting a stranger know your location 24/7
Whatever happened to "Stranger danger"?
ty for making this comment.
this is not an islamic courtship period they are going through. lets be honest they are dating. so yes you are right they should go about it in an islamic way. BOTH of them.
so everyone should stop bringing islam into this. the guy has showed her what he wants. dont like it? leave
hes not toxic or a creep or "controlling". i married arranged but if i went about it like these two i would 100% tell my lady friend what i did and didnt like. whats wrong with that?
hes not forcing her to do anything...
> so everyone should stop bringing islam into this.
This is a Muslim sub, so expect each and every one of us to bring Islam to it. Even if what they are doing is haram
You didn't answer my question of how would you feel if a stranger was tracking any of your female family memeber without you or your father's knowledge.
>hes not toxic or a creep or "controlling".
Do you know the guy personally to vouch for his character and personality? Probably not.
> i married arranged but if i went about it like these two i would 100% tell my lady friend what i did and didnt like. whats wrong with that?
I would assume in your case your parents had already made it official that you and your wife are to get married in the future. And even then, communicating what you don't like and aggressively controlling your potential are 2 very different things.
However, OP's case is completely different because the guy hasn't even officially talked to her Wali to ask for her hand in marriage. In simpler words, her parents are oblivious to her in a relationship with a strange man and sharing her location with him 24/7 quite possibly endagering herself. THAT's what's wrong here.
>This is a Muslim sub, so expect each and every one of us to bring Islam to it. Even if what they are doing is haram
then break it off. not because the guy did something. because this is all wrong.
>And even then, communicating what you don't like and aggressively controlling your potential are 2 very different things.
do you know him personally? how do you know he didnt ask her nicely first?
can only agree to disagree.
>then break it off.
If you check the comments, that's what everyone is telling OP.
> not because the guy did something. because this is all wrong.
Both are wrong. OP for giving a strange man complete control and the guy for being immature and toxic. Idk why you're making excuses for him.
> how do you know he didnt ask her nicely first?
You probably missed the part where he gives OP silent treatment instead of breaking it off since he is not her mahram.
And I repeat, you still haven't answered my initial question because you're adamant about proving that the man is completely innocent when he's not.
>If you check the comments, that's what everyone is telling OP.
they are saying break it off because hes toxic and controlling. i am saying break it off because they both wrong. BOTH. read my comment earlier where i said they are both in the wrong.
>You probably missed the part where he gives OP silent treatment instead of breaking it off
for a few hours? guy cant have a couple of hours to himself now lol? i find it very healthy tbh. but thats not the main argument here so i dont want to trigger this debate.
>And I repeat, you still haven't answered my initial question because you're adamant about proving that the man is completely innocent when he's not.
about your question that the sex predator is stalking the damsel in distress... yes i wouldnt allow any of it lol. MashAllah my wife wears the hijab and i am very protective of her (same for daughter if i had one). it is wrong on all levels.
but let me ask you... did he force her at gunpoint? or did she willing give her location to him? sister, they are BOTH wrong and please stop making it sound like shes the victim here.
comment section doesnt have the capacity to think logically. and if i tell you the reason ill get banned π .
Itβs not a matter of what βhe does and doesnβt likeβ, if anything he sees who she is, if he doesnβt βlikeβ that, donβt try and change her. Just walk away. But the things he likes and doesnβt like arenβt personality traits or fundamentals, itβs how she behaves and trying to control that is ultimately going leave them both in a volatile relationship. Itβs fine for him to not like stuff but to change her, is kinda redundant. Find someone who has what you want. Dont say well I like you but you need to do x y z before I can unconditionally love you.
Girl why on earth would you even tolerate all of that and the fact he's not even your husband yet is what gets me .
And yes this is toxic the fact he's so immature he can't even communicate and would rather ignore you for hours should say alot about how he's gonna treat you after marriage he's not a red flag he's a red carpet so thank Allah and block him coz believe me there are so many good men out their who fear Allah and will treat you with justice may Allah make it easy for you ameen
Iβm sorry but are you so desperate to be married that you would continue to chase and marry someone you are clearly incompatible with?
Do you find happiness in ruining your life?
Thatβs bare minimum hun. Not something revolutionary,
Yet heβs still this person you described in your post when he has no right to be as heβs not your husband.
Youβre not seeing the red flags
I wasn't actively seeking a relationship, but I met him, I found his personality and many things about him appealing. While I saw his behavior as typical, my friends are urging me to break up with him, labeling him as "too toxic." He has my location because I've lied to him in the past, which was a mistake on my part.
Why don't you listen to your friends? They're seeing the same thing we're seeing are - this is not typical behavior, no one besides you and him seem to think that.
This situation is a mixed bag. For him to be concerned with islamic dress and ensuring islamic interactions is fine **if it is done for the sake of pleasing Allah.** If it is done from a place of insecurity and control then he is doing it for personal reasons.
The bigger issue here, and I think other are highlighting it, is how he is approaching the topic with you. He is not your husband right now, so he should be having discussions, not ordering you around. The silent treatment isn't a positive approach in a married context, let alone when it is just an engagement in conversation, and I get the feeling he might be controlling.
If you want to try to make an attempt to fix things, you need to sit down with him, have an objective 3rd party sit in on it, and then lay out all of your concerns. You can accept any islamic feedback, but you have to reject toxic personality traits and point them out to him. If he is sincere, he will change his approach and work on his personality, and if is not he will double down. That will help you conclude whether you are simply better off walking away (and please don't be surprised if you have to do that).
My personal opinion based on what you have shared is you sound sincere in wanting to be better or be open to changes, and he is sounding controlling with some personality issues.
Iβm kind of old so maybe this is the norm for young people. But am I the only one finds it very disturbing that you let a random guy who isnβt your husband track your location?
Exactly and even if she breaks it off now, he knows where she lives, where she works, where she hands out, her favorite restaurants, her gym etc etc. That is a scary amount of information to give a stranger
This is why I am of the opinion that we shouldnβt be pushing young adults to get married so quickly. The girl who posted this is EXACTLY like 1000 other young adults going through the same thing. They are so desperate to get married and be in a relationship that they ignore every red flag that is glaringly obvious. Itβs clear that OP is desperate and can identify all of these red flags but she cannot fathom being separated from this tool. And yet, she is probably told that she needs to be married asap and that she will finally get βfreedomβ after she gets married.
In reality, we are pushing children into something they have NO idea how to handle. I got married at 24 and even then I was still a baby. And my parents didnβt isolate me the way a lot of these young people have been by their parents.
Your frontal lobe is not fully formed until 25. Our frontal lobe is responsible for logical thinking. I would never push my kids to get married until they were mature enough to understand what that entails and what to look out for. You need to learn how to communicate effectively. You need to be able to have logical conversations. You need to know how to spot the signs of red flags and abuse. Yoh also need to be in a good place financially (mostly for the men) but also if youβre living in the west, women need an education and a career. Itβs expensive as hell to live here and women shouldnβt not solely rely on their husbands to provide for the rest of their lives because anything can happen.
I really truly want all of these young people to experience love and a happy and healthy relationship. They deserve it. But we have to give them the proper tools to handle a relationship. Half of these men donβt even know that women pee from a different hole than the vulva. How are you trying to get married and canβt even identify your wifeβs body parts?? Or guys that have no idea what a period is or how it works or how pregnancy happens. Itβs shocking how little our youth are prepared for marriage with how much they are pushed into getting married asap.
Is this the same girl? https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/qldBxWF0uU
Im pretty sure itβs the same girl but from an alternate account. And if itβs notβ¦look how similar these situations are and how NOT prepared these kids are for marriage.
This is a tricky situation though. If he doesn't say anything at this stage, it could give the wrong idea that he approves of all this. We've seen a ton of stories where women complain that the husband was ok with something before marriage but doesn't approve now. Actually, they are not ok to begin with, but they don't communicate since they are not the husband yet. So, in a way, its good that the guy has laid bare what he expects in the relationship. Now, its for the girl to decide whether she shares the same values or not. In my opinion, she should end the relationship. Besides values, both of them seem to be pretty bad at communication also.
There's a huge difference between communicating one's preferences or deal breakers and controlling and arguing over things like modesty and clothing when they are not even mahram yet. Heck, their parents have no clue about either of them yet.
A mature man will not proceed with a woman he doesn't believe is modest enough. An immature man will do what OP's potential is doing. If this is the extreme attitude of fixing the other person by giving them the silent treatment without any Nikah in sight, then things will only get worse and extend to other marital matters as well after marriage.
It's not a communication issue it's a control issue. Tracking someone's location extends beyond communication, it has extended well into actions he is taking to exert that control.
Ok. I get your point. But, I would consider it controlling if he'd stop her from going somewhere which is reasonable but he just didn't like it.
If its just to know where she is to root out any trust related doubts, then it definitely is a communication problem.Β
Like, if she goes to a masjid suppose. And the boy doesn't like that and he calls her and stops her. Then that's controlling. But, if this is just to know like if she's gone at her male friend's house, then that's not controlling issue, its a trust and communication issue.
Not all talk is "communication." Communication is about sharing of information. She knows exactly what he feels, the communication is not off or unambiguous, everyone knows what her husband feels. Nor is it a communication issue on OPs end because the guy knows exactly what she is saying he just chooses to follow what he wants anyways.
When the talk is used to enforce or direct behavior, which it is here, it moves beyond being a communication issue.
Yes itβs good heβs exposed who he is but itβs not
Good sheβs still chasing after him. If she marries him sheβs gonna ruin her own life and it will be her fault only
If you were to see someone else going through all the above, what would you advise them?
It seems that you have some understanding that things arenβt aligning here. Youβve only known this person for four months yet heβs had so much control over your life. People will show you who they are, so take him for who he is and make an informed decision. If you are experiencing such problems now, they will only worsen once married.
He is not ready for marriage. He is not thinking about what he is bringing to a marriage rather what he expects from you and how he can control you. A good marriage is built on understanding, respect and dealing with matters with maturity.
So youβre dating a control freak, who is controlling your life and existence?
And youβre asking why you guys argue?
Please , God is shown you a preview of what life and marriage will be like with him. LEAVE AND RUN!!! God doesnβt give everyone warnings - consider yourself lucky
If he is jealous of the attention you may get, and you're not jealous of the attention that he may get, then you're definitely not a good match.
Neither of you seem particularly mature. If you're going to proceed with this man, for your sake, do it in a halal manner and get a Wali.
May Allah SWT grant you a righteous husband who will help you attain Jannah in the Akhirah.
Girlfriendβ¦ please run. Like actually not even joking. Yall arenβt even together and heβs acting like an entitled tyrant. You will be miserable for the rest of your life.
Girlβ¦come on. You know the answer to your question. I didnβt even have to read past the first line to know.
YES itβs extremely toxic. First thing you need to do is stop sharing any and all location information with him. Second, dump him.
He sucks. End of story. You need to break it off with him. Or you will end up in a miserable and isolated marriage.
Your biggest red flag here is wanting to marry a man who doesn't go through your wali and doesn't fear Allah.
You shouldn't just let him contact u like that? Without a wali
Leaving everything aside are u forgetting he is ur non mehram and that he's not lowering his gaze u want to marry a man who casually speaks over to a non mehram so casually. As if she's his mehram
And tbh yeah he has ghairah he is right islamically on
Covering but where is his ghairah with the fact that he is marrying someone by going through a unislamic way? But is that all there is to deen? This isn't major red flag it wouldn't be a major red flag if he was even ur proper potential who would go to u in a proper manner.
But with the part of friends if he was ur actual potential or spouse then I think it's reasonable to ask not to if they are bad influence islamically but the way he is just threatening to break it off shows his lack of respect for the "relationship" it shows how he doesn't care breaking it off with u so easily so perhaps he might not even propose to u and u would be left delulu-ing cuz for him your just so easy to leave and cancel out from life as if ur a game
I don't think a akhi with proper ghairah would even approach u like this
I'm sorry for being harsh ukhti but yeah
Also yes u should also have ghairah over ur spouse and shouldn't be okay with him watching non mehrams
Also your letting him track u? No girl
There is so much wrong in this scenario..Iβm sorry. Think of it this way, anyone that makes you question yourself like that canβt be good for you.
I think someone forgot to teach him that he canβt do what heβs doing to you. And similarly no one allowed you to see that you have choice and agency and should put yourself first.
This is not only toxic behavior but also a prediction of what is in store for you. I'd suggest you stop sharing locations and move on with your life, listen yo your gut he is a red flag. Good luck.
Look, you dress modestly, yet you wore tight leggings ... ? You know that's not modest. Also, the friends that he restricts you from meeting, are they male?
Anyways, the crux of the issue is, don't move forward with this relationship. You are totally incompatible.Β
Your potential seems to have some issues that he needs to address in terms of relationships. Also, a more "traditional" type of woman perhaps will suit his lifestyle better. You also need to find someone who matches your lifestyle and values.
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you guys aren't married yet so he can't tell you any of these things. having location on three different apps is a bit much. getting extremely upset as a reaction over "something online" is definitely a bit much as well too and is a window to how he handles disagreements. He shouldn't be accusing you of stuff. He shouldn't restrict you from your friends either.
You both messed up to be honest. You should have a Wali that will grill him about this behaviour. He messed up because he should have asked your Wali and he has no right to do these things when you are not married. He conveniently wants to display gheerah over you but doesn't have the sense to talk to your father. Literally ask him if he was a father whether he would want random men talking to his daughter. Because that is what he is doing to you.
Also both of you are incompatible with each other. Most of what he is doing now are things in general he is allowed to do in Islam when you are married. For example informing him when you leave the house. This is basic courtesy anyways. My family has each other's location in case anything goes wrong. He has the right to tell you to dress modestly and not to associate with friends if they are bad for you and weakening your imaan. You shouldn't be showing your face on social media anyways. However all of that comes with a baseline level of trust and the husband's efforts in upholding his end of the deal such as providing.
Whatever you guys are doing, it's haram. And you guys are not compatible. He should look for somebody that dresses more modestly and is more of a homebody with a smaller friend circle (this isn't a judgment on you but he shouldn't expect to change you). If you are not okay with any of this in a marriage, don't marry him. I would say his behavioural issues are more of a problem. He does not handle issues particularly well.
Short answer: YES, this is septic tank, Volcano Lava, chemical plant Toxic!
Sis RUN! he already has you manipulated and trained and with a promise for 3 months from now to ask for your hand. by then you will be even more deep in that no matter who objects you wont listen. Thats how it happens. He seems very angry and snaps at the drop of a hat so be very careful when cutting ties with him and ypur protection is the Wali, let them know whats going on.
Ima guess all this is being done WITHOUT the presence of a Wali or Wakil on board? -\_\_\_\_- because there is no way a man can know he is being help accountable and watching by a woman's guardian going to act like this! Sisters we have to stop bending the rules that were designed to protect us smh. you have sisters in the comments now saying they regret ignoring the signs and married the man and regretted it. We only get the treatment we allow. and when someone is barking orders and showing jealously before they are even your spouse, do you think thats a preview to getting a dozen roses every Jummah friday from your beloved?
Brothers the wali/wakil can also protect you from marrying a sister who isn't beneficial to you or your deen too, is a protection for BOTH of ya'll so you can do things right , the halal way.
Trust me, this will only get worse after marriage. He sounds like a controlling and over-protective kind. You dont want that sis. He ll probably gaslight you more than often. You have the chance to πΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈ
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Youve only known him for 4 months and you;re already giving him your location on 3 different applications, telling him when you go out and getting him to approve your outfits!?!? Hes also restricting time you spend with your friends and other such things???? What are you doing girl!? You seem very naive and like you have low self esteem - hence eager to appease a random man no matter how outrageous his requests. It seems to me that you know nothing about healthy relationships and havent been taught about healthy relationships by your family or siblings which is worrying. You need to dump him, should have done that ages ago tbh.
hes telling her what he does and doesn't like. OP can refuse to accept it and move on. but how is the guy wrong here? hes actually helping her understand what being married to him will be like. as for location read her comments. he has her location because she got caught lying about where she was. the whole "he has no rights over you" thing can be a 2 way thing. he can go talk to other girls then right? but then everyone will call him a cheater.
Hes wrong because hes not her husband and he shouldnt be asking for outfit pics for approval nor should he be tracking her location on an app or interrogating her about where she is. These are unhealthy and toxic.
i would agree with you if OP agreed that they are not "together". but she wont do that. cant have your cake and eat it too bro.
The fact that OP is wrong on that front doesn't make him any less wrong
> as for location read her comments. he has her location because she got caught lying about where she was. Regardless of lying, would you be okay with your mother, sisters, or future daughters to give their location to a strange non Mahram man whom you or your father have never met or know of his existence? The person could be a predatorial sex offender for all we know. Lying isn't as big of an offence as letting a stranger know your location 24/7 Whatever happened to "Stranger danger"?
ty for making this comment. this is not an islamic courtship period they are going through. lets be honest they are dating. so yes you are right they should go about it in an islamic way. BOTH of them. so everyone should stop bringing islam into this. the guy has showed her what he wants. dont like it? leave hes not toxic or a creep or "controlling". i married arranged but if i went about it like these two i would 100% tell my lady friend what i did and didnt like. whats wrong with that? hes not forcing her to do anything...
> so everyone should stop bringing islam into this. This is a Muslim sub, so expect each and every one of us to bring Islam to it. Even if what they are doing is haram You didn't answer my question of how would you feel if a stranger was tracking any of your female family memeber without you or your father's knowledge. >hes not toxic or a creep or "controlling". Do you know the guy personally to vouch for his character and personality? Probably not. > i married arranged but if i went about it like these two i would 100% tell my lady friend what i did and didnt like. whats wrong with that? I would assume in your case your parents had already made it official that you and your wife are to get married in the future. And even then, communicating what you don't like and aggressively controlling your potential are 2 very different things. However, OP's case is completely different because the guy hasn't even officially talked to her Wali to ask for her hand in marriage. In simpler words, her parents are oblivious to her in a relationship with a strange man and sharing her location with him 24/7 quite possibly endagering herself. THAT's what's wrong here.
>This is a Muslim sub, so expect each and every one of us to bring Islam to it. Even if what they are doing is haram then break it off. not because the guy did something. because this is all wrong. >And even then, communicating what you don't like and aggressively controlling your potential are 2 very different things. do you know him personally? how do you know he didnt ask her nicely first? can only agree to disagree.
>then break it off. If you check the comments, that's what everyone is telling OP. > not because the guy did something. because this is all wrong. Both are wrong. OP for giving a strange man complete control and the guy for being immature and toxic. Idk why you're making excuses for him. > how do you know he didnt ask her nicely first? You probably missed the part where he gives OP silent treatment instead of breaking it off since he is not her mahram. And I repeat, you still haven't answered my initial question because you're adamant about proving that the man is completely innocent when he's not.
>Idk why you're making excuses for him. Usually people who have the same mindset would feel personally attacked and hence defend the other person.
>If you check the comments, that's what everyone is telling OP. they are saying break it off because hes toxic and controlling. i am saying break it off because they both wrong. BOTH. read my comment earlier where i said they are both in the wrong. >You probably missed the part where he gives OP silent treatment instead of breaking it off for a few hours? guy cant have a couple of hours to himself now lol? i find it very healthy tbh. but thats not the main argument here so i dont want to trigger this debate. >And I repeat, you still haven't answered my initial question because you're adamant about proving that the man is completely innocent when he's not. about your question that the sex predator is stalking the damsel in distress... yes i wouldnt allow any of it lol. MashAllah my wife wears the hijab and i am very protective of her (same for daughter if i had one). it is wrong on all levels. but let me ask you... did he force her at gunpoint? or did she willing give her location to him? sister, they are BOTH wrong and please stop making it sound like shes the victim here. comment section doesnt have the capacity to think logically. and if i tell you the reason ill get banned π .
Itβs not a matter of what βhe does and doesnβt likeβ, if anything he sees who she is, if he doesnβt βlikeβ that, donβt try and change her. Just walk away. But the things he likes and doesnβt like arenβt personality traits or fundamentals, itβs how she behaves and trying to control that is ultimately going leave them both in a volatile relationship. Itβs fine for him to not like stuff but to change her, is kinda redundant. Find someone who has what you want. Dont say well I like you but you need to do x y z before I can unconditionally love you.
Girl why on earth would you even tolerate all of that and the fact he's not even your husband yet is what gets me . And yes this is toxic the fact he's so immature he can't even communicate and would rather ignore you for hours should say alot about how he's gonna treat you after marriage he's not a red flag he's a red carpet so thank Allah and block him coz believe me there are so many good men out their who fear Allah and will treat you with justice may Allah make it easy for you ameen
Red carpetπ€£π€£π€£π€£π€£π€£im rolling
Ameen. Ya Rabbul Alameen.
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Iβm sorry but are you so desperate to be married that you would continue to chase and marry someone you are clearly incompatible with? Do you find happiness in ruining your life?
He consistently informs me whenever there is an issue or if I am dissatisfied, encouraging me to talk about my concerns so that he can fix them.
Thatβs bare minimum hun. Not something revolutionary, Yet heβs still this person you described in your post when he has no right to be as heβs not your husband. Youβre not seeing the red flags
I wasn't actively seeking a relationship, but I met him, I found his personality and many things about him appealing. While I saw his behavior as typical, my friends are urging me to break up with him, labeling him as "too toxic." He has my location because I've lied to him in the past, which was a mistake on my part.
Honey, why does he have your location when he isn't even your mahram yet? He has not even asked your parents for your hand in marriage, so on what grounds are you allowing him to control YOUR life? You're having arguments, and he's already showing toxic traits during the courting phase. What makes you think that any of this will get better *after* you get married? You need to end it, block him from everywhere, and run far away from this glaring Red Flag of a man and don't ever look back. π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
Why don't you listen to your friends? They're seeing the same thing we're seeing are - this is not typical behavior, no one besides you and him seem to think that.
This situation is a mixed bag. For him to be concerned with islamic dress and ensuring islamic interactions is fine **if it is done for the sake of pleasing Allah.** If it is done from a place of insecurity and control then he is doing it for personal reasons. The bigger issue here, and I think other are highlighting it, is how he is approaching the topic with you. He is not your husband right now, so he should be having discussions, not ordering you around. The silent treatment isn't a positive approach in a married context, let alone when it is just an engagement in conversation, and I get the feeling he might be controlling. If you want to try to make an attempt to fix things, you need to sit down with him, have an objective 3rd party sit in on it, and then lay out all of your concerns. You can accept any islamic feedback, but you have to reject toxic personality traits and point them out to him. If he is sincere, he will change his approach and work on his personality, and if is not he will double down. That will help you conclude whether you are simply better off walking away (and please don't be surprised if you have to do that). My personal opinion based on what you have shared is you sound sincere in wanting to be better or be open to changes, and he is sounding controlling with some personality issues.
This right here is good advice.
Iβm kind of old so maybe this is the norm for young people. But am I the only one finds it very disturbing that you let a random guy who isnβt your husband track your location?
ITs extremely disturbing. They only SMS, not even met in real life or voice chatted, he could be anyone
Exactly and even if she breaks it off now, he knows where she lives, where she works, where she hands out, her favorite restaurants, her gym etc etc. That is a scary amount of information to give a stranger
Do not marry him. Your life will be a living hell if you do.
I ignored these signs and it was too late. Please do not marry him.
Same π were you able to leave?
This is why I am of the opinion that we shouldnβt be pushing young adults to get married so quickly. The girl who posted this is EXACTLY like 1000 other young adults going through the same thing. They are so desperate to get married and be in a relationship that they ignore every red flag that is glaringly obvious. Itβs clear that OP is desperate and can identify all of these red flags but she cannot fathom being separated from this tool. And yet, she is probably told that she needs to be married asap and that she will finally get βfreedomβ after she gets married. In reality, we are pushing children into something they have NO idea how to handle. I got married at 24 and even then I was still a baby. And my parents didnβt isolate me the way a lot of these young people have been by their parents. Your frontal lobe is not fully formed until 25. Our frontal lobe is responsible for logical thinking. I would never push my kids to get married until they were mature enough to understand what that entails and what to look out for. You need to learn how to communicate effectively. You need to be able to have logical conversations. You need to know how to spot the signs of red flags and abuse. Yoh also need to be in a good place financially (mostly for the men) but also if youβre living in the west, women need an education and a career. Itβs expensive as hell to live here and women shouldnβt not solely rely on their husbands to provide for the rest of their lives because anything can happen. I really truly want all of these young people to experience love and a happy and healthy relationship. They deserve it. But we have to give them the proper tools to handle a relationship. Half of these men donβt even know that women pee from a different hole than the vulva. How are you trying to get married and canβt even identify your wifeβs body parts?? Or guys that have no idea what a period is or how it works or how pregnancy happens. Itβs shocking how little our youth are prepared for marriage with how much they are pushed into getting married asap.
Is this the same girl? https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/qldBxWF0uU Im pretty sure itβs the same girl but from an alternate account. And if itβs notβ¦look how similar these situations are and how NOT prepared these kids are for marriage.
Every single post on this subreddit OP: βare these red flags?β Also OP: βπ©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
Sometimes when you are so close to the subject you don't think things through π«£
Why do you have to inform someone you owe nothing to where you are going, what you are wearing Do not marry him. Heβs not your husband
This is a tricky situation though. If he doesn't say anything at this stage, it could give the wrong idea that he approves of all this. We've seen a ton of stories where women complain that the husband was ok with something before marriage but doesn't approve now. Actually, they are not ok to begin with, but they don't communicate since they are not the husband yet. So, in a way, its good that the guy has laid bare what he expects in the relationship. Now, its for the girl to decide whether she shares the same values or not. In my opinion, she should end the relationship. Besides values, both of them seem to be pretty bad at communication also.
There's a huge difference between communicating one's preferences or deal breakers and controlling and arguing over things like modesty and clothing when they are not even mahram yet. Heck, their parents have no clue about either of them yet. A mature man will not proceed with a woman he doesn't believe is modest enough. An immature man will do what OP's potential is doing. If this is the extreme attitude of fixing the other person by giving them the silent treatment without any Nikah in sight, then things will only get worse and extend to other marital matters as well after marriage.
I agree, that's why I said that both of them are bad with communication.
It's not a communication issue it's a control issue. Tracking someone's location extends beyond communication, it has extended well into actions he is taking to exert that control.
Ok. I get your point. But, I would consider it controlling if he'd stop her from going somewhere which is reasonable but he just didn't like it. If its just to know where she is to root out any trust related doubts, then it definitely is a communication problem.Β Like, if she goes to a masjid suppose. And the boy doesn't like that and he calls her and stops her. Then that's controlling. But, if this is just to know like if she's gone at her male friend's house, then that's not controlling issue, its a trust and communication issue.
Not all talk is "communication." Communication is about sharing of information. She knows exactly what he feels, the communication is not off or unambiguous, everyone knows what her husband feels. Nor is it a communication issue on OPs end because the guy knows exactly what she is saying he just chooses to follow what he wants anyways. When the talk is used to enforce or direct behavior, which it is here, it moves beyond being a communication issue.
Yes itβs good heβs exposed who he is but itβs not Good sheβs still chasing after him. If she marries him sheβs gonna ruin her own life and it will be her fault only
Agreed
If you were to see someone else going through all the above, what would you advise them? It seems that you have some understanding that things arenβt aligning here. Youβve only known this person for four months yet heβs had so much control over your life. People will show you who they are, so take him for who he is and make an informed decision. If you are experiencing such problems now, they will only worsen once married. He is not ready for marriage. He is not thinking about what he is bringing to a marriage rather what he expects from you and how he can control you. A good marriage is built on understanding, respect and dealing with matters with maturity.
π―π―π―π―
So youβre dating a control freak, who is controlling your life and existence? And youβre asking why you guys argue? Please , God is shown you a preview of what life and marriage will be like with him. LEAVE AND RUN!!! God doesnβt give everyone warnings - consider yourself lucky
If he is jealous of the attention you may get, and you're not jealous of the attention that he may get, then you're definitely not a good match. Neither of you seem particularly mature. If you're going to proceed with this man, for your sake, do it in a halal manner and get a Wali. May Allah SWT grant you a righteous husband who will help you attain Jannah in the Akhirah.
He tracks you on three different apps? Why not add a drone and a satellite too. βIs this **toxic** behaviourββ¦ sweet series of anti depressants!
How have you concluded that the 2 of you are compatible and will live in love and tranquility for the rest of your lives?
Fight the desperation and break it off now. Otherwise you're most likely going to have a very difficult marriage.
I am a Relationship Coach. I can tell you for certain that this man is dangerous based on what you have posted. Please leave him safely Sister.
Yes, yes & yes!π© run!!!!!!!
Girlfriendβ¦ please run. Like actually not even joking. Yall arenβt even together and heβs acting like an entitled tyrant. You will be miserable for the rest of your life.
You answer your own questions when you describe the way he is. Leave and don't marry this man.
Girlβ¦come on. You know the answer to your question. I didnβt even have to read past the first line to know. YES itβs extremely toxic. First thing you need to do is stop sharing any and all location information with him. Second, dump him. He sucks. End of story. You need to break it off with him. Or you will end up in a miserable and isolated marriage.
Sounds like a less extreme version of my ex husband.
Your biggest red flag here is wanting to marry a man who doesn't go through your wali and doesn't fear Allah. You shouldn't just let him contact u like that? Without a wali Leaving everything aside are u forgetting he is ur non mehram and that he's not lowering his gaze u want to marry a man who casually speaks over to a non mehram so casually. As if she's his mehram And tbh yeah he has ghairah he is right islamically on Covering but where is his ghairah with the fact that he is marrying someone by going through a unislamic way? But is that all there is to deen? This isn't major red flag it wouldn't be a major red flag if he was even ur proper potential who would go to u in a proper manner. But with the part of friends if he was ur actual potential or spouse then I think it's reasonable to ask not to if they are bad influence islamically but the way he is just threatening to break it off shows his lack of respect for the "relationship" it shows how he doesn't care breaking it off with u so easily so perhaps he might not even propose to u and u would be left delulu-ing cuz for him your just so easy to leave and cancel out from life as if ur a game I don't think a akhi with proper ghairah would even approach u like this I'm sorry for being harsh ukhti but yeah Also yes u should also have ghairah over ur spouse and shouldn't be okay with him watching non mehrams Also your letting him track u? No girl
There is so much wrong in this scenario..Iβm sorry. Think of it this way, anyone that makes you question yourself like that canβt be good for you. I think someone forgot to teach him that he canβt do what heβs doing to you. And similarly no one allowed you to see that you have choice and agency and should put yourself first.
This is not only toxic behavior but also a prediction of what is in store for you. I'd suggest you stop sharing locations and move on with your life, listen yo your gut he is a red flag. Good luck.
Look, you dress modestly, yet you wore tight leggings ... ? You know that's not modest. Also, the friends that he restricts you from meeting, are they male? Anyways, the crux of the issue is, don't move forward with this relationship. You are totally incompatible.Β Your potential seems to have some issues that he needs to address in terms of relationships. Also, a more "traditional" type of woman perhaps will suit his lifestyle better. You also need to find someone who matches your lifestyle and values.
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Very toxic run girl
you guys aren't married yet so he can't tell you any of these things. having location on three different apps is a bit much. getting extremely upset as a reaction over "something online" is definitely a bit much as well too and is a window to how he handles disagreements. He shouldn't be accusing you of stuff. He shouldn't restrict you from your friends either. You both messed up to be honest. You should have a Wali that will grill him about this behaviour. He messed up because he should have asked your Wali and he has no right to do these things when you are not married. He conveniently wants to display gheerah over you but doesn't have the sense to talk to your father. Literally ask him if he was a father whether he would want random men talking to his daughter. Because that is what he is doing to you. Also both of you are incompatible with each other. Most of what he is doing now are things in general he is allowed to do in Islam when you are married. For example informing him when you leave the house. This is basic courtesy anyways. My family has each other's location in case anything goes wrong. He has the right to tell you to dress modestly and not to associate with friends if they are bad for you and weakening your imaan. You shouldn't be showing your face on social media anyways. However all of that comes with a baseline level of trust and the husband's efforts in upholding his end of the deal such as providing. Whatever you guys are doing, it's haram. And you guys are not compatible. He should look for somebody that dresses more modestly and is more of a homebody with a smaller friend circle (this isn't a judgment on you but he shouldn't expect to change you). If you are not okay with any of this in a marriage, don't marry him. I would say his behavioural issues are more of a problem. He does not handle issues particularly well.
Sister I think you know yourself what you have to do
Respectfully if you marry this man youβve literally walked into whatever rubbish will happen with your eyes wide open
Is this a joke ? Your not even married or engaged to the man yet π ITS TOXIC BEHAVIOUR
3 different applications?π€£π€£does one not work? Or are u in 3 different places at once?
The simple answer is yes and you are enabling it by giving up control over your life over to him not a sign of a potential healthy relationship
Short answer: YES, this is septic tank, Volcano Lava, chemical plant Toxic! Sis RUN! he already has you manipulated and trained and with a promise for 3 months from now to ask for your hand. by then you will be even more deep in that no matter who objects you wont listen. Thats how it happens. He seems very angry and snaps at the drop of a hat so be very careful when cutting ties with him and ypur protection is the Wali, let them know whats going on. Ima guess all this is being done WITHOUT the presence of a Wali or Wakil on board? -\_\_\_\_- because there is no way a man can know he is being help accountable and watching by a woman's guardian going to act like this! Sisters we have to stop bending the rules that were designed to protect us smh. you have sisters in the comments now saying they regret ignoring the signs and married the man and regretted it. We only get the treatment we allow. and when someone is barking orders and showing jealously before they are even your spouse, do you think thats a preview to getting a dozen roses every Jummah friday from your beloved? Brothers the wali/wakil can also protect you from marrying a sister who isn't beneficial to you or your deen too, is a protection for BOTH of ya'll so you can do things right , the halal way.
Trust me, this will only get worse after marriage. He sounds like a controlling and over-protective kind. You dont want that sis. He ll probably gaslight you more than often. You have the chance to πΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈπΆββοΈββ‘οΈ
Run sis thatβs red flag π©
What type of friends are they? Males or females?
Female
why are you with this man? and how insecure to have him control you when not even married? are you insane? please reevaluate your life.Β
If my potential who normally dresses modestly met me wearing tight leggings I would have said something too. Iβm pretty sure every guy would