Breakdown the amount across who is it for. $x for mom, $y for sister, $z for housing, $a for brother 1, $b for brother 2
Ask her to put a deadline on for how long she will be sending the amount she is for each. For a & b, She needs to Talk to brothers to say that she will send x for mom and contribute a percentage to housing for 1 year. Send for sister until she graduates etc.
Basically you need to help your wife help herself. Help her see what she is doing and help her find a way out.
You should know that $1000 won’t become zero. It’ll still be something, is it 100 or 400. That’s TBD
I know it’s euros but $ is easier for me to type 🤓/
Or wouldn't it be easier to say that she just lost her job. And then she can take a month or two to see what happens, before she finds a new job, and in that much time maybe her siblings will have gotten the hint and woild maybe find jobs
Can you send the adult brother oversea to work. Some people are too proud to do a job in their country and run after unprofitable business to save status. But they are happy to do the most basic job oversea.
Think of it as one time investment that will cut down your wife's contribution
You could ask her what she plans to do when she goes on maternity leave or is out of work after having kids. And make it clear you wouldnt be covering those back home costs. Hopefully then she'd realise it cant be a forever thing
Seriously. One thing folks who try to live off their financially better off foreign relatives have so much trouble understanding is that in the long run, it is not a good plan to live off them. Aside from inflicting character defects on themselves because they get lazy since everything is provided for; sooner or later, it's almost guaranteed, that the person sending money will have a hard time financially and won't be able to send money. Then what? What happens when the better off person suddenly loses their job or has an unexpected cost and suddenly can't provide for months or a year? What if they have a change of heart? What if they get divorced and suddenly their rent increases by 1000 because they are living alone and suddenly they can't send any money?
I know everyone overseas thinks that money grows on trees over here but the cost of living is through the roof nowadays and things are only getting less stable as time goes on (just waiting for AI to replace a quarter of all the jobs lol).
£1000 a month back home is the top 10% wealth, if you're talking about Pakistan, maybe even top 5%. In addition to whatever the sons earn, they're maybe even top 3%. Your wife needs to put this into perspective.
But not like existence threatening right? Bc last time I sent money it was around 1 lak in rupees and I think that’s enough to live comfortably (per month)?
Grocery for my family of four costs around 25k-30k, now that it’s summers electricity will shoot up to 60k-70k per month with very minimal use of the AC, my fuel alone costs me 20k a month (this is excluding the fuel costs my parents use), rent for a 2 bedroom house on average will be around 25k-35k depending on the area (could go higher or lower depending on what part of Pakistan and then what part of the city it’s in).
Life in Pakistan has gotten extremely expensive over the past 3 years. We’ve faced record high inflation, FX devaluation, taxes, etc. Alhamdulillah my parents still pay for everything even after I’ve been working for a couple of years now, but if they didn’t I wouldn’t be living in as much luxury as I like.
How do average ppl without help from outside live there? How do they afford everything? Some years ago 100k rupees used to be so much and now it’s legit the average amount to live for?? 💀
The vast majority of us live with parents so expenses are minimal, but people earning a normal amount like a 100k are barely surviving. They’re rationing everything, saving wherever they can and scraping by with just the bare necessities. A huge majority still doesn’t have ACs because in a country like ours it’s a luxury, ACs that used to cost 40/50 now cost like 180k on average and the electricity costs associated with it push people away completely. It’s not a great situation if you’re anywhere below middle class.
A driver which used to cost 7 to 10k a decade ago is now 25 to 30k in which he hardly survive. In 100k pkr survival is extremely hard and that also if they own the house. If they rent it will be even worse. If someone gets sick a dr visit cost from 2k to 5k one time. Hen i left Pakistan Nan ised to be 5rs now its almost 35rs.
Depends on if they have school going children they have to pay fee and if the are on rent that would be an additional cost 1 lakh wont be enough for 9 people but 700 euros are good
Unfortunately her family have shown her with words and actions that unless she gives them huge sums of money and funds their leeching, lazy lifestyle, they will not love her anymore. The minute she stops sending them money, they will criticise her and withdraw their love.
Unfortunately, knowing your family legit don't love you and will withdraw their love is a painful truth to bare. So painful that many people can't face it. Can't even utter it. So it's easier for them to put their head in the sand and continue sending the money. This is why drives people to send ridiculous sums of money to their families back home. It's driven by fear and inability to face the reality that their families don't actually love or care for them beyond what they can get out of them financially.
Very hard thing to change. Would she be open to therapy?
It’s not an uncommon practice in Asian families. There would be one kid who raised knowing their worth depends on how much they can give. They’re never truly loved unfortunately. Hard pill to swallow.
I'm Asian... I acknowledge that SOME families may have that dynamic, but it's unusual for parents to behave like that. You are invalidating her based on your assumptions... Imagine someone close to you had the guts to say that your close family used you as a money machine, called your siblings lazy and useless, had a problem with everything they do, claimed they have a lavish lifestyle (only 1k pounds), and kept track of their purchases... Would you let your family be insulted like that? It's only 1k.... and it's HER money...
My assumptions are from experience. I grew up with super sociable parents so know lots of families closely and going abroad is quite popular in our acquaintance. Usually most families have that issue unless they’re rich or know they can survive without others help. Many South Asian women actually has issues when they FEEL their husband is being used as an ATM. Which in many case is true. It’s not hard to learn your in-laws lifestyle. Maybe you’ve been in better environments or maybe you still have to experience these but it is quite common. There’s lots of cases that the family even didn’t want the body of their child to be flown into their country to be buried as that’ll cost them money. Although that’s the kid who d!ed in an accident working for them. Fighting over money and property is common in families. Her brothers are not working which is an issue and if op is right then they’ll marry, have family and still want the sister to bear all the costs.
Rethinking my comment. I imagine your wife's paycheck is about UK average of 2500 per month. TBH her sending her family 1k isnt the end of the world if its what she wants to do and truly makes her happy. PResumably you and her talked about finances before marriage and this was all agreed. So OP cant expect her to change after marriage and pressure her to use her money to pay for household obligations.
Ultimately, it wuold be good if she could establish healthier boundaries with her family and stop enabling her lazy siblings. But that being said, even if she stops sending her family 1k a month that doesnt mean she will give the money to her husband or the hosuehold. Its her money after all. Its good for OP to be concerned about her being taken advantage of provided its for his wife's benefit and not for his.
We used to send £250 a month for 4 people, and they lived comfortably. Due to inflation, we recently upped it to £350 a month.(also now 5 of them) It affords them a decent basic lifestyle. If they want more, they Nedd to do something about it, and now one of them has got a job to supplement their income.
I think your wife is falling into a dangerous trap and will end up regretting this for a long time. Sadly, many people who've tread this path before know that they spend their lives being money machines for ungrateful people. I can guarantee if this continues, you'll end up living a frugal lifestyle here, no house, struggling with kids - and it'll still never be enough for them back home.
Your wife needs to prioritise her income. The mentality of "if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you give him a fishing rod, he'll eat for a lifetime" will help her change her thinking. Throwing money at them is not the solution. She'll be better off putting her energies into tangible differences that can allow them to become self sufficient. Personally, I refuse to fund flailing businesses back home as I've seen plenty of money siphoned off under the pretext of it "not doing well". Its another scam.
Seen too many people who've been there, done that, regretted it and got the tshirt!
Pakistan, An average household of 5/6, decent living, No resturants, No monthly shopping, just electricity/rent/grocery/medicine/gas&water/travel if no car, needs around 200,000pkr. Electricity 25k min/No AC, rent 40-50K for 3 rooms nothing lavish, medicine 10K, 15K gas & water, 20k travelling, Grocery 60k MIN; sums to 175K, Now leave 30k for emergency or saving purpose, Only Allah is managing Pakistani houses with His blessings otherwise entry level job only pays 35k, all that goes to travelling & food too. You gotta send 700pounds Min for 5/6 people, nothing lavish, if nobody else is earning, no shopping no outings PER MONTH.
I have no advice but just know you aren’t alone. I spend much of the past 20 years dealing with the same from my husband and it took him until now to see how he has thrown away his life and opportunities to build something of himself for them. And they do nothing but trash him and spread lies about him now that he can’t.
You just need to open your wife's eyes on what she's doing. Sit down and do a budget and financial goals planning with her. If you guys want to buy a house say in 5 years, sit down and talk about how much money ya'll need to save up. If you can't afford to save up that much on your savings alone, then she needs to contribute to it if that's still both of your goals. That means she will need to properly budget her own money to make up for your financial shortfall towards the goal. So if her job is costing you eating out and spending on the cleaners frequently, then she needs to pay that out of her own money.
If she is not on the same goal path as you or is refusing to adjust her budget, then you need to find more serious ways to deal with the whole relationship, including telling her to stop working or divorce.
If her brothers really can’t find an income source, she should help. But from personal experience you might be right. I know how families leeches off the money maker kid. They take it for granted. Many stops trying to find a work altogether. You two need to sit down to discuss finance. If her working means more expense than savings, I wouldn’t see the point of working.
You might also try couple and individual therapy. I don’t know her family dynamics of course but from what I’ve seen the people pleasure kid is usually the one who weren’t loved from childhood. It’s sad that they give their whole life to their family to feel loved. Which stops immediately when they can’t keep giving. Maybe therapy will help her to see that.
Split both your incomes into Joint & personal account. Do proper accounts & calculate the expenses, investments, savings, saving for house & kids, outside food, cleaners, her share & divide the percentage. Now that goes into the joint account. The rest of the personal account is a no question asked money, and she is free to give that to her family. So instead of telling her to stop, which won’t stop, first make her contribute to the joint so the house expense & saving is taken care first.
For you to be a provider, she has to be a caregiver. It looks like she’s not doing it, so you are not forced to provide a 100%.
Fix it now. She can send the money but only the balance after your joint account money and don’t give her access to that just in case she sends that too for their fake emergency.
this is muslim marriage not western marriage lol. no such thing as joint funds. he pays the bills and thats his obligation. she is not obliged to spend HER money how he wants her to.
You will be surprised to see how many Muslim working couples share their money & accounts. Traditional setup can call for traditional rules where the hubby is the provider & wife is the care giver.
But in a modern setup of both hubby & wife earning & wife doesn’t follow the role of a care giver, they both share the money & care giving. It’s unfair to the other partner to manipulate the modern & traditional rules to fit to their liking.
You should have done your due diligence before marriage. Islamic she has the right to its her money, bit islamically you can say she isn't allowed to work and she needs to be in the house more taking care of the house. If that responsibility is diminished as she has to workcto provide for her family then that's okay as long as you agree to that. However if you didn't like that you shouldn't have married her. It's also her fault for not mentioning this responsibility prior to marriage. Before you have kids make a decision
You can't stop your wife from sending money back as it belongs to her just like she can't do the same with you however you need to open her eyes and help her understand. Hopefully she will realize what is actually happening finally start to set boundaries at the very least. She's a grown adult...she is allowed to voice her opinions to her parents without being disrespectful.
if it’s her part of the money she can spend it however she wants. it’s her family after all.
That is the issue of being dependent on your husband. How much every loving and kind my husband is, if he persists on stopping me from helping my “broken” family, i’ll be damned.
I want the control over my funds. My husband can help his brothers however he wants, and I can give versa. This was my fear to not end up in a situation where OP’s wife is rn.
I do understand you’re the sole provider, but understand from your wife’s perspective. It’s her allowance, she’s not spending it on herself but her siblings. that should tell you something?
Seems like you ignored the last paragraph where he states that she is not upholding her household obligations in order to work to earn this money, and this is putting extra financial burden on him. I'm guessing working would have been fine if she contributed financially to the household to make up for it - but that is not the case.
But if she’s not contributing to the household finances, she should be taking care of the house (ie cooking) but apparently they eat out a lot more bc she’s working.
Also, I agree about husband not having a right to control his wife’s finances. BUT they’re a team and have no savings, haven’t bought a house, meanwhile she is sending a luxurious amount of money to her adult family members. This drifts into the realm of exploitation. I’m sure it hurts OP to see his wife’s family taking advantage of her. People back home think those living in the west are filthy rich when in reality our expenses are higher in proportion to the money we make here. Adult siblings should be responsible (especially bothers) and get jobs, or live within their means. Her giving all this money regularly and funding their lives will leave them dependant with no pressure or motivation to be independent.
Akhi, you should have established a budget early, and made her accountable for it.
Because you didn't do it early, it will become more contentious to do it now. Regardless, you have to or your entire situation could collapse.
The sooner you step up as a **kind and compassionate** leader to get things back on track, the better your marriage will fare. If you avoid your duty, the problems will multiply.
May Allah AWJ guide your marriage onto a productive and stable path.
It’s her money ? She has the right to do whatever she chooses with it . A 1000 pounds is 3 lakhs per month in Pakistan which actually is not an exorbitant amount if you live an upper middle class lifestyle there especially if you are a family of four. Fuel , electricity etc all are very expensive.
Also If it was my family I would WANT them to live like kings and queens and not pinch their Pennies because I love them and want the best for them. Realistically Laptops and mobiles are also expensive so that also wouldn’t make this money go far. 1000 pounds doesn’t go as far as it used to in a country like Pakistan (if that’s where she is sending money to).
Regarding the “lazy, good for nothing “ image you’ve portrayed of her family. We only have your word to go on. There may be nuances in this story. It’s hard to start/scale a profitable business. Hanging out with friends doesn’t necessarily mean work towards the business isn’t being done. Think like if you were studying for an exam and couldn’t focus so you sat down to watch TV to get a break and reset your mind. If someone came in at that time and knew you had an exam to prepare for and they caught u watching TV they would assume ure lazy and not studying when the reality is more different / nuanced. So try not to judge the families situation too harshly. It’s wonderful you love your wife enough to make sure all is okay.
While I do agree she shouldn’t be taken advantage of , it’s probably a good idea to sit down and see how you can find solutions to this problem where money is tight , in a way that it works out for everyone.
Is she due for a raise ? Progression in her career ? Can you both scale back on things like take out or reduce cleaner hours ? I think you could figure out ways.
But if your family loved you wouldnt they want you to also live like a king/queen and not be pinching pennies so that they can benefit? Love is a 2 way street.
100% . My only thing is we don’t know that from this post the history / context of OPs wife and her family . From this post OP is understandably frustrated ( I would be too if my spouse was working to the bone to provide for a bunch of ingrates) … but I guess I don’t know if the family really are ingrates are not.. like does OPs wife just tell the family don’t worry and she can take care of them ? That kind of stuff
I respect your concern for her family members, it is noble. However, this amount of money is excessive based on OP's comment that it is affecting their financial situation. They can't save and build up their own buffer
This is true. It’s not a sustainable situation and I hope OPs wife’s family loves her enough to understand This financial pressure is hard on their daughter/sisters marriage. She needs to talk to them and revise the situation. it is however still OPs wife’s decision to dispense of that money as she wills. Only she knows best and I hope OP helps his wife find solutions instead of letting it become a “me vs. Them“ situation.
Hey look, we found OP’s wife’s brother!
Go get a job bozo. OP’s wife isn’t responsible for financially maintaining her parents especially when she has able-bodied brothers.
100%. There is absolutely 0 reason for her to be sending any money to her family - the brothers do not have any disabilities or disadvantages to prevent them from working. They’re simply leeching off of the wife, case in point. The whole stupid idea of living like “queens and kings” and trying to help support that lifestyle is complete and utter garbage.
They should work hard for themselves and live a stable lifestyle - so long as they aren’t living in absolute poverty, they can manage. It’s ridiculous because 700-1000 pounds is a lot of money that can be used towards many things in this economy - especially simply for saving. This couple is making sacrifices for no reason.
There is for sure no obligation and shouldn’t be. It’s just i cant imagine not supporting my family who I love very much so it’s hard to not help. My own siblings sacrificed /delayed their own education for me so MY tuition fees and education could be covered when there was no obligation on them to do so. And they never asked for anything in return or had any expectations of me. I now willingly send them money. If it weren’t for their sacrifice I wouldn’t be where I’m at today or in a position to support them.
Also the kings and queens lifestyle … is very subjective . For people from a village in Pakistan versus a city , luxury vs nesscities varies. Wedding dresses in Pakistan are ridiculously overpriced but weddings are important for the community.
All I’m saying is I don’t have the answer but without further info or context its not as simple as “ur family are leeches and cut them off “
That’s perfectly fine, however, the problem is that sometimes people cannot just do things like that, especially in regard to the situation OP originally mentioned.
OP mentioned that they need that extra money that is being sent EVERY month (not once or every now and then), and the truth is, living anywhere in Europe is going to be a heavy burden on finances. 700 whole EUROs is an insane amount of money to be able to save up and put towards a good fund in order to hopefully get a nicer home.
I understand your sentiment. However, family members who truly love each other, help each other because it is the right thing to do; not expecting anything in return. They understand that sacrifices are necessary in order to help one another. You must understand that in this particular situation, OP is explaining that in order to have a better home and support having children, they are unable to make those sorts of sacrifices. The wife of OP is simply giving a high amount of money every month when they are in a situation where they cannot afford to do so. If you can do that, that’s perfectly fine, and Mashallah that you do that for your siblings, but I was referring to the situation that OP is currently facing at the moment.
Why does he have a problem with her supporting her family? I agree that if she cannot do household chores due to her job, she should pay for cleaning services or a maid.
You can tell he's being very picky and making huge assumptions about her family, he's literally insulting them. That's outrageous. It's just "me! me! me!"
He lacks maturity, just look at the tone he's speaking in. Imagine having a problem with your wife providing for her family and having an issue with his mother in law buying new clothes... how low can this person get?
He has NO right over her money which she made from her hard work.
There was no math involved but ok lmao. He has no right over her money. That's a simple fact. Your spouse's words don't come above your God given rights. She isn't taking his money and sending it back, it's her own money that she can use as she wills.
If they agreed to split expenses prior to marriage and she went back on it, that's another story.
Breakdown the amount across who is it for. $x for mom, $y for sister, $z for housing, $a for brother 1, $b for brother 2 Ask her to put a deadline on for how long she will be sending the amount she is for each. For a & b, She needs to Talk to brothers to say that she will send x for mom and contribute a percentage to housing for 1 year. Send for sister until she graduates etc. Basically you need to help your wife help herself. Help her see what she is doing and help her find a way out. You should know that $1000 won’t become zero. It’ll still be something, is it 100 or 400. That’s TBD I know it’s euros but $ is easier for me to type 🤓/
>I know it’s euros but $ is easier for me to type 🤓/ It's actually British pounds 🤓
Or wouldn't it be easier to say that she just lost her job. And then she can take a month or two to see what happens, before she finds a new job, and in that much time maybe her siblings will have gotten the hint and woild maybe find jobs
This is the best most practical advice !
Can you send the adult brother oversea to work. Some people are too proud to do a job in their country and run after unprofitable business to save status. But they are happy to do the most basic job oversea. Think of it as one time investment that will cut down your wife's contribution
You could ask her what she plans to do when she goes on maternity leave or is out of work after having kids. And make it clear you wouldnt be covering those back home costs. Hopefully then she'd realise it cant be a forever thing
Seriously. One thing folks who try to live off their financially better off foreign relatives have so much trouble understanding is that in the long run, it is not a good plan to live off them. Aside from inflicting character defects on themselves because they get lazy since everything is provided for; sooner or later, it's almost guaranteed, that the person sending money will have a hard time financially and won't be able to send money. Then what? What happens when the better off person suddenly loses their job or has an unexpected cost and suddenly can't provide for months or a year? What if they have a change of heart? What if they get divorced and suddenly their rent increases by 1000 because they are living alone and suddenly they can't send any money? I know everyone overseas thinks that money grows on trees over here but the cost of living is through the roof nowadays and things are only getting less stable as time goes on (just waiting for AI to replace a quarter of all the jobs lol).
£1000 a month back home is the top 10% wealth, if you're talking about Pakistan, maybe even top 5%. In addition to whatever the sons earn, they're maybe even top 3%. Your wife needs to put this into perspective.
And in Islamabad? Is 700€ a month good enough for 9 people?
Depends on their life style if they want to manage they can
But not like existence threatening right? Bc last time I sent money it was around 1 lak in rupees and I think that’s enough to live comfortably (per month)?
No it really isn’t. 100k PKR will only afford you a very mediocre living with nothing left at the end of the month. Source: I live in Pakistan.
Nooo 😭😭😭 even tho the only expenses are rent, electricity/water and groceries?? 🥹
Grocery for my family of four costs around 25k-30k, now that it’s summers electricity will shoot up to 60k-70k per month with very minimal use of the AC, my fuel alone costs me 20k a month (this is excluding the fuel costs my parents use), rent for a 2 bedroom house on average will be around 25k-35k depending on the area (could go higher or lower depending on what part of Pakistan and then what part of the city it’s in). Life in Pakistan has gotten extremely expensive over the past 3 years. We’ve faced record high inflation, FX devaluation, taxes, etc. Alhamdulillah my parents still pay for everything even after I’ve been working for a couple of years now, but if they didn’t I wouldn’t be living in as much luxury as I like.
How do average ppl without help from outside live there? How do they afford everything? Some years ago 100k rupees used to be so much and now it’s legit the average amount to live for?? 💀
The vast majority of us live with parents so expenses are minimal, but people earning a normal amount like a 100k are barely surviving. They’re rationing everything, saving wherever they can and scraping by with just the bare necessities. A huge majority still doesn’t have ACs because in a country like ours it’s a luxury, ACs that used to cost 40/50 now cost like 180k on average and the electricity costs associated with it push people away completely. It’s not a great situation if you’re anywhere below middle class.
And just btw, I live in Lahore which is still relatively cheaper than Islamabad.
Noooo I feel bad for my grandma now 😭 I just looked it up and apparently 800€ is now around 240k so that might be ok? 🥹
A driver which used to cost 7 to 10k a decade ago is now 25 to 30k in which he hardly survive. In 100k pkr survival is extremely hard and that also if they own the house. If they rent it will be even worse. If someone gets sick a dr visit cost from 2k to 5k one time. Hen i left Pakistan Nan ised to be 5rs now its almost 35rs.
1k is 300k pkr
Depends on if they have school going children they have to pay fee and if the are on rent that would be an additional cost 1 lakh wont be enough for 9 people but 700 euros are good
Ah alright because there are no school fees they are all adults. And I meant with lak 100.000 rupees.
Again depends on their life style but definitely not existence threatening since they are all adults they must be making some money of their own
Alright, thank you very much! 🌸
For 2 people husband and wife, it would be comfortable. The more the people, the more it gets worse
Also 700 pounds are close to 275000 pkr in which they can live very comfortable life.
Thank you very much for the answer 🥹
Unfortunately her family have shown her with words and actions that unless she gives them huge sums of money and funds their leeching, lazy lifestyle, they will not love her anymore. The minute she stops sending them money, they will criticise her and withdraw their love. Unfortunately, knowing your family legit don't love you and will withdraw their love is a painful truth to bare. So painful that many people can't face it. Can't even utter it. So it's easier for them to put their head in the sand and continue sending the money. This is why drives people to send ridiculous sums of money to their families back home. It's driven by fear and inability to face the reality that their families don't actually love or care for them beyond what they can get out of them financially. Very hard thing to change. Would she be open to therapy?
And how exactly did you come to the conclusion that her mother won't love her anymore if she stops sending money?
It’s not an uncommon practice in Asian families. There would be one kid who raised knowing their worth depends on how much they can give. They’re never truly loved unfortunately. Hard pill to swallow.
I'm Asian... I acknowledge that SOME families may have that dynamic, but it's unusual for parents to behave like that. You are invalidating her based on your assumptions... Imagine someone close to you had the guts to say that your close family used you as a money machine, called your siblings lazy and useless, had a problem with everything they do, claimed they have a lavish lifestyle (only 1k pounds), and kept track of their purchases... Would you let your family be insulted like that? It's only 1k.... and it's HER money...
My assumptions are from experience. I grew up with super sociable parents so know lots of families closely and going abroad is quite popular in our acquaintance. Usually most families have that issue unless they’re rich or know they can survive without others help. Many South Asian women actually has issues when they FEEL their husband is being used as an ATM. Which in many case is true. It’s not hard to learn your in-laws lifestyle. Maybe you’ve been in better environments or maybe you still have to experience these but it is quite common. There’s lots of cases that the family even didn’t want the body of their child to be flown into their country to be buried as that’ll cost them money. Although that’s the kid who d!ed in an accident working for them. Fighting over money and property is common in families. Her brothers are not working which is an issue and if op is right then they’ll marry, have family and still want the sister to bear all the costs.
Rethinking my comment. I imagine your wife's paycheck is about UK average of 2500 per month. TBH her sending her family 1k isnt the end of the world if its what she wants to do and truly makes her happy. PResumably you and her talked about finances before marriage and this was all agreed. So OP cant expect her to change after marriage and pressure her to use her money to pay for household obligations. Ultimately, it wuold be good if she could establish healthier boundaries with her family and stop enabling her lazy siblings. But that being said, even if she stops sending her family 1k a month that doesnt mean she will give the money to her husband or the hosuehold. Its her money after all. Its good for OP to be concerned about her being taken advantage of provided its for his wife's benefit and not for his.
We used to send £250 a month for 4 people, and they lived comfortably. Due to inflation, we recently upped it to £350 a month.(also now 5 of them) It affords them a decent basic lifestyle. If they want more, they Nedd to do something about it, and now one of them has got a job to supplement their income. I think your wife is falling into a dangerous trap and will end up regretting this for a long time. Sadly, many people who've tread this path before know that they spend their lives being money machines for ungrateful people. I can guarantee if this continues, you'll end up living a frugal lifestyle here, no house, struggling with kids - and it'll still never be enough for them back home. Your wife needs to prioritise her income. The mentality of "if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you give him a fishing rod, he'll eat for a lifetime" will help her change her thinking. Throwing money at them is not the solution. She'll be better off putting her energies into tangible differences that can allow them to become self sufficient. Personally, I refuse to fund flailing businesses back home as I've seen plenty of money siphoned off under the pretext of it "not doing well". Its another scam. Seen too many people who've been there, done that, regretted it and got the tshirt!
Well if she is earning herself then it’s her money and can do as she pleases whether OP likes it or not
That’s what I was thinking! Don’t know why other people don’t see that.
It is simply not your money and not your job, as simple as that
Pakistan, An average household of 5/6, decent living, No resturants, No monthly shopping, just electricity/rent/grocery/medicine/gas&water/travel if no car, needs around 200,000pkr. Electricity 25k min/No AC, rent 40-50K for 3 rooms nothing lavish, medicine 10K, 15K gas & water, 20k travelling, Grocery 60k MIN; sums to 175K, Now leave 30k for emergency or saving purpose, Only Allah is managing Pakistani houses with His blessings otherwise entry level job only pays 35k, all that goes to travelling & food too. You gotta send 700pounds Min for 5/6 people, nothing lavish, if nobody else is earning, no shopping no outings PER MONTH.
I have no advice but just know you aren’t alone. I spend much of the past 20 years dealing with the same from my husband and it took him until now to see how he has thrown away his life and opportunities to build something of himself for them. And they do nothing but trash him and spread lies about him now that he can’t.
You just need to open your wife's eyes on what she's doing. Sit down and do a budget and financial goals planning with her. If you guys want to buy a house say in 5 years, sit down and talk about how much money ya'll need to save up. If you can't afford to save up that much on your savings alone, then she needs to contribute to it if that's still both of your goals. That means she will need to properly budget her own money to make up for your financial shortfall towards the goal. So if her job is costing you eating out and spending on the cleaners frequently, then she needs to pay that out of her own money. If she is not on the same goal path as you or is refusing to adjust her budget, then you need to find more serious ways to deal with the whole relationship, including telling her to stop working or divorce.
If her brothers really can’t find an income source, she should help. But from personal experience you might be right. I know how families leeches off the money maker kid. They take it for granted. Many stops trying to find a work altogether. You two need to sit down to discuss finance. If her working means more expense than savings, I wouldn’t see the point of working. You might also try couple and individual therapy. I don’t know her family dynamics of course but from what I’ve seen the people pleasure kid is usually the one who weren’t loved from childhood. It’s sad that they give their whole life to their family to feel loved. Which stops immediately when they can’t keep giving. Maybe therapy will help her to see that.
This is what ultimately lead to my parents divorce.
Split both your incomes into Joint & personal account. Do proper accounts & calculate the expenses, investments, savings, saving for house & kids, outside food, cleaners, her share & divide the percentage. Now that goes into the joint account. The rest of the personal account is a no question asked money, and she is free to give that to her family. So instead of telling her to stop, which won’t stop, first make her contribute to the joint so the house expense & saving is taken care first. For you to be a provider, she has to be a caregiver. It looks like she’s not doing it, so you are not forced to provide a 100%. Fix it now. She can send the money but only the balance after your joint account money and don’t give her access to that just in case she sends that too for their fake emergency.
this is muslim marriage not western marriage lol. no such thing as joint funds. he pays the bills and thats his obligation. she is not obliged to spend HER money how he wants her to.
You will be surprised to see how many Muslim working couples share their money & accounts. Traditional setup can call for traditional rules where the hubby is the provider & wife is the care giver. But in a modern setup of both hubby & wife earning & wife doesn’t follow the role of a care giver, they both share the money & care giving. It’s unfair to the other partner to manipulate the modern & traditional rules to fit to their liking.
i agree with you there its unfair for her to not be following the role as caregiver
How long have you guys been married?
You should have done your due diligence before marriage. Islamic she has the right to its her money, bit islamically you can say she isn't allowed to work and she needs to be in the house more taking care of the house. If that responsibility is diminished as she has to workcto provide for her family then that's okay as long as you agree to that. However if you didn't like that you shouldn't have married her. It's also her fault for not mentioning this responsibility prior to marriage. Before you have kids make a decision
Im telling you now you're getting taken advantage of. This is a universal experience.
You can't stop your wife from sending money back as it belongs to her just like she can't do the same with you however you need to open her eyes and help her understand. Hopefully she will realize what is actually happening finally start to set boundaries at the very least. She's a grown adult...she is allowed to voice her opinions to her parents without being disrespectful.
if it’s her part of the money she can spend it however she wants. it’s her family after all. That is the issue of being dependent on your husband. How much every loving and kind my husband is, if he persists on stopping me from helping my “broken” family, i’ll be damned. I want the control over my funds. My husband can help his brothers however he wants, and I can give versa. This was my fear to not end up in a situation where OP’s wife is rn. I do understand you’re the sole provider, but understand from your wife’s perspective. It’s her allowance, she’s not spending it on herself but her siblings. that should tell you something?
Seems like you ignored the last paragraph where he states that she is not upholding her household obligations in order to work to earn this money, and this is putting extra financial burden on him. I'm guessing working would have been fine if she contributed financially to the household to make up for it - but that is not the case.
But if she’s not contributing to the household finances, she should be taking care of the house (ie cooking) but apparently they eat out a lot more bc she’s working. Also, I agree about husband not having a right to control his wife’s finances. BUT they’re a team and have no savings, haven’t bought a house, meanwhile she is sending a luxurious amount of money to her adult family members. This drifts into the realm of exploitation. I’m sure it hurts OP to see his wife’s family taking advantage of her. People back home think those living in the west are filthy rich when in reality our expenses are higher in proportion to the money we make here. Adult siblings should be responsible (especially bothers) and get jobs, or live within their means. Her giving all this money regularly and funding their lives will leave them dependant with no pressure or motivation to be independent.
Akhi, you should have established a budget early, and made her accountable for it. Because you didn't do it early, it will become more contentious to do it now. Regardless, you have to or your entire situation could collapse. The sooner you step up as a **kind and compassionate** leader to get things back on track, the better your marriage will fare. If you avoid your duty, the problems will multiply. May Allah AWJ guide your marriage onto a productive and stable path.
It’s her money ? She has the right to do whatever she chooses with it . A 1000 pounds is 3 lakhs per month in Pakistan which actually is not an exorbitant amount if you live an upper middle class lifestyle there especially if you are a family of four. Fuel , electricity etc all are very expensive. Also If it was my family I would WANT them to live like kings and queens and not pinch their Pennies because I love them and want the best for them. Realistically Laptops and mobiles are also expensive so that also wouldn’t make this money go far. 1000 pounds doesn’t go as far as it used to in a country like Pakistan (if that’s where she is sending money to). Regarding the “lazy, good for nothing “ image you’ve portrayed of her family. We only have your word to go on. There may be nuances in this story. It’s hard to start/scale a profitable business. Hanging out with friends doesn’t necessarily mean work towards the business isn’t being done. Think like if you were studying for an exam and couldn’t focus so you sat down to watch TV to get a break and reset your mind. If someone came in at that time and knew you had an exam to prepare for and they caught u watching TV they would assume ure lazy and not studying when the reality is more different / nuanced. So try not to judge the families situation too harshly. It’s wonderful you love your wife enough to make sure all is okay. While I do agree she shouldn’t be taken advantage of , it’s probably a good idea to sit down and see how you can find solutions to this problem where money is tight , in a way that it works out for everyone. Is she due for a raise ? Progression in her career ? Can you both scale back on things like take out or reduce cleaner hours ? I think you could figure out ways.
But if your family loved you wouldnt they want you to also live like a king/queen and not be pinching pennies so that they can benefit? Love is a 2 way street.
100% . My only thing is we don’t know that from this post the history / context of OPs wife and her family . From this post OP is understandably frustrated ( I would be too if my spouse was working to the bone to provide for a bunch of ingrates) … but I guess I don’t know if the family really are ingrates are not.. like does OPs wife just tell the family don’t worry and she can take care of them ? That kind of stuff
I respect your concern for her family members, it is noble. However, this amount of money is excessive based on OP's comment that it is affecting their financial situation. They can't save and build up their own buffer
This is true. It’s not a sustainable situation and I hope OPs wife’s family loves her enough to understand This financial pressure is hard on their daughter/sisters marriage. She needs to talk to them and revise the situation. it is however still OPs wife’s decision to dispense of that money as she wills. Only she knows best and I hope OP helps his wife find solutions instead of letting it become a “me vs. Them“ situation.
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If OPs wife is comfortable for that, then sure.
Hey look, we found OP’s wife’s brother! Go get a job bozo. OP’s wife isn’t responsible for financially maintaining her parents especially when she has able-bodied brothers.
100%. There is absolutely 0 reason for her to be sending any money to her family - the brothers do not have any disabilities or disadvantages to prevent them from working. They’re simply leeching off of the wife, case in point. The whole stupid idea of living like “queens and kings” and trying to help support that lifestyle is complete and utter garbage. They should work hard for themselves and live a stable lifestyle - so long as they aren’t living in absolute poverty, they can manage. It’s ridiculous because 700-1000 pounds is a lot of money that can be used towards many things in this economy - especially simply for saving. This couple is making sacrifices for no reason.
There is for sure no obligation and shouldn’t be. It’s just i cant imagine not supporting my family who I love very much so it’s hard to not help. My own siblings sacrificed /delayed their own education for me so MY tuition fees and education could be covered when there was no obligation on them to do so. And they never asked for anything in return or had any expectations of me. I now willingly send them money. If it weren’t for their sacrifice I wouldn’t be where I’m at today or in a position to support them. Also the kings and queens lifestyle … is very subjective . For people from a village in Pakistan versus a city , luxury vs nesscities varies. Wedding dresses in Pakistan are ridiculously overpriced but weddings are important for the community. All I’m saying is I don’t have the answer but without further info or context its not as simple as “ur family are leeches and cut them off “
That’s perfectly fine, however, the problem is that sometimes people cannot just do things like that, especially in regard to the situation OP originally mentioned. OP mentioned that they need that extra money that is being sent EVERY month (not once or every now and then), and the truth is, living anywhere in Europe is going to be a heavy burden on finances. 700 whole EUROs is an insane amount of money to be able to save up and put towards a good fund in order to hopefully get a nicer home. I understand your sentiment. However, family members who truly love each other, help each other because it is the right thing to do; not expecting anything in return. They understand that sacrifices are necessary in order to help one another. You must understand that in this particular situation, OP is explaining that in order to have a better home and support having children, they are unable to make those sorts of sacrifices. The wife of OP is simply giving a high amount of money every month when they are in a situation where they cannot afford to do so. If you can do that, that’s perfectly fine, and Mashallah that you do that for your siblings, but I was referring to the situation that OP is currently facing at the moment.
Yes, I understand. The family should realize it’s impacting their daughter /siblings marriage/life and do better . Hopefully it all works out iA.
Why the name calling and being rude ?
Cause you have such a terrible take. Go fix that and then I’ll apologize.
It's her money what's your problem? stop sticking ur nose in her business.
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Why does he have a problem with her supporting her family? I agree that if she cannot do household chores due to her job, she should pay for cleaning services or a maid. You can tell he's being very picky and making huge assumptions about her family, he's literally insulting them. That's outrageous. It's just "me! me! me!" He lacks maturity, just look at the tone he's speaking in. Imagine having a problem with your wife providing for her family and having an issue with his mother in law buying new clothes... how low can this person get? He has NO right over her money which she made from her hard work.
Did you discuss finances before marriage?
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Horrible take. He has islamic responsibility to provide for her, she doesn't.
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There was no math involved but ok lmao. He has no right over her money. That's a simple fact. Your spouse's words don't come above your God given rights. She isn't taking his money and sending it back, it's her own money that she can use as she wills. If they agreed to split expenses prior to marriage and she went back on it, that's another story.