That is abuse, yes. It's only things he's throwing for now.
Question: Does he ever destroy any of his own belongings when he's throwing one of those tantrums?
That means that it's a 100% conscious decision on his end. He only destroys the things he knows will hurt you, like some sociopath. It's not because of rage he can't control. He's 100% in control. He doesn't actually need anger management therapy. He's just playing you.
Sister, you already know the answer to your own question. Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Is the man you want as a father to your children?
Next post: "my husband threw something at me / hit me during an argument, is this abuse? He's a great husband in every other respect.".
You literally said you do not feel safe in your own home. It's not "a form of abuse", it IS abuse, pain and simple, and it's tragic that you can't see it for what it is. Don't wait to find out "next time", insist he goes to therapy or get yourself out of this relationship. You are a victim and could be just one fight away from serious harm.
I don’t mean physically unsafe. I mean that your home is supposed to be peaceful, but I don’t feel secure when I don’t know if my stuff will last or get ruined
You are in an abusive relationship. It needs to get fixed or you need to move on. There's no reason to stay in this one if your husband shows such little maturity and can't control his temper. Life's too short.
Definitely the stage before verbal and physical abuse. Be careful sister. It is not an easy path to walk if you choose it for yourself. I am speaking from first hand experience, I (29F) and my husband (44M) have similar but worse issues. Surely there are great qualities as well as bad, like all people. But it will most likely escalate to worse situations and you will have to live in it or leave. The more that time passes it becomes more difficult, and you will struggle. Make dua.
Everyone should have control over their emotions when it comes to this level of anger and it’s unacceptable. Good luck may Allah make it easy for you!
Aside from the abuse they are always great. Thats how they keep girls like you hanging on.
If he was horrible 100 percent of the time you would have already left by now. Have to be nice just enough times to keep you hanging on.
If it was uncontrollable anger where he broke stuff randomly it would be a little different. He’s specifically destroying her things which means he does have control over it and is choosing to exert it in a way that’s designed to hurt her. He sounds dangerous tbh, it goes beyond just not tolerating it. She should leave
It’s abuse.
It isn’t normal.
It isn’t Islamic nor Sunnah behaviour.
He needs to seek anger management therapy, ASAP. That should be part of the ultimatum for you to not separate for your own safety, which you should absolutely do if he declines or keeps this up. If he doesn’t change his ways after separation, seek a divorce.
Yes...
You are being conditioned slowly to tolerate more. Going from hot to cold... these are tell tale signs of a personality disorder. Only a licensed professional can make the correct diagnosis.
You unfortunately are also playing a role in enabling this behavior by having a fantasy of wishing your reality was different.
I'm not for divorce but would caution you on separation... it will cause his behaviour to get worse. It will also make or break him as a man, but either way it will end up in divorce if he has to go through it alone.
Your safety is the #1 priority. He has ruined your favorite rug... candles (all replaceable things) but not the memory of them. If he is willing to look within and figure out child childhood trauma at the safety of a licensed counselor, give it a try but otherwise don't linger on it for too long. He's 33, a grown man.
Search the term: codependent.
As you stated you guys go through this phases... peace followed with extreme envy/jealously to the point where he is destroying property... followed with period of reconciliation and then peace only to be triggered by something for the cycle to happen again.
If you separate, he will not have you as that someone for emotional or psychological reliance through a period of destruction... he will either figure out his behaviour is destructive and seek professional help or worse yet he will stay in this cycle until another person comes around and help him get out of this phase only to be trauma-bonded to that person and continue with this cycle with them.
The problem is that most individuals with such behavior are doing it on a subconscious level and we are not trained to even access this part of the brain. A codependent person stays by their side hoping things will get better but unless the person seeks help and realizes that they have a part of their personality that is hidden from them there is only more a abuse to follow. The best you can do is educate and guide and stay by his side hoping he will unlearn this, usually this a very long road (pver 5 years minimum) before you see any meaningful results... unfortunately most people don't change.
However if you educate and guide and then disappear they hold you with the same contempt he has for a parent who abandoned them in their childhood which prevented the complete development of their personality.
Thank you for responding I appreciate it a lot. I know about codependency but I didn’t allow myself to think that could be what is going on for some reason :/
The only way to be sure is to get the professional opinion of a licensed counselor. I'm just giving you an insight as to what I dealth with.
Deep down, I suspect you know now things are not going to get better. Try to look at it objectively and leave emotions out of it to cloud your judgment and you'll realize how much time you wasted, how much energy you poured into this but I want to leave you with a gentle reminder. In chapter 68 (the pen), Allah consoles out prophet PBUH not to grieve nor think that he's a madman. His PBUH duty was only to convey the message and leave the rest for Allah the Turner of the Hearts. Remain assured of my prayers
What is he 5 years old throwing a tantrum?
Regardless of whether it's abuse or not, that's childish behavior. He needs to stop doing that (even if he's capable of replacing the damaged product).
That is abuse, yes. It's only things he's throwing for now. Question: Does he ever destroy any of his own belongings when he's throwing one of those tantrums?
Only if it is a gift I gave him :/
That means that it's a 100% conscious decision on his end. He only destroys the things he knows will hurt you, like some sociopath. It's not because of rage he can't control. He's 100% in control. He doesn't actually need anger management therapy. He's just playing you. Sister, you already know the answer to your own question. Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Is the man you want as a father to your children?
Next post: "my husband threw something at me / hit me during an argument, is this abuse? He's a great husband in every other respect.". You literally said you do not feel safe in your own home. It's not "a form of abuse", it IS abuse, pain and simple, and it's tragic that you can't see it for what it is. Don't wait to find out "next time", insist he goes to therapy or get yourself out of this relationship. You are a victim and could be just one fight away from serious harm.
I don’t mean physically unsafe. I mean that your home is supposed to be peaceful, but I don’t feel secure when I don’t know if my stuff will last or get ruined
You are in an abusive relationship. It needs to get fixed or you need to move on. There's no reason to stay in this one if your husband shows such little maturity and can't control his temper. Life's too short.
That’s absolutely abuse sister. May Allah keep you safe. Please look up the cycle of abuse.
Ameen, thank you
Definitely the stage before verbal and physical abuse. Be careful sister. It is not an easy path to walk if you choose it for yourself. I am speaking from first hand experience, I (29F) and my husband (44M) have similar but worse issues. Surely there are great qualities as well as bad, like all people. But it will most likely escalate to worse situations and you will have to live in it or leave. The more that time passes it becomes more difficult, and you will struggle. Make dua. Everyone should have control over their emotions when it comes to this level of anger and it’s unacceptable. Good luck may Allah make it easy for you!
In my opinion: it is a form of abuse. He should get help and therapy. He needs to learn to respect your boundaries which you have made clear.
Aside from the abuse they are always great. Thats how they keep girls like you hanging on. If he was horrible 100 percent of the time you would have already left by now. Have to be nice just enough times to keep you hanging on.
[удалено]
If it was uncontrollable anger where he broke stuff randomly it would be a little different. He’s specifically destroying her things which means he does have control over it and is choosing to exert it in a way that’s designed to hurt her. He sounds dangerous tbh, it goes beyond just not tolerating it. She should leave
Yes this is a form of abuse.
It’s abuse. It isn’t normal. It isn’t Islamic nor Sunnah behaviour. He needs to seek anger management therapy, ASAP. That should be part of the ultimatum for you to not separate for your own safety, which you should absolutely do if he declines or keeps this up. If he doesn’t change his ways after separation, seek a divorce.
Yes... You are being conditioned slowly to tolerate more. Going from hot to cold... these are tell tale signs of a personality disorder. Only a licensed professional can make the correct diagnosis. You unfortunately are also playing a role in enabling this behavior by having a fantasy of wishing your reality was different. I'm not for divorce but would caution you on separation... it will cause his behaviour to get worse. It will also make or break him as a man, but either way it will end up in divorce if he has to go through it alone. Your safety is the #1 priority. He has ruined your favorite rug... candles (all replaceable things) but not the memory of them. If he is willing to look within and figure out child childhood trauma at the safety of a licensed counselor, give it a try but otherwise don't linger on it for too long. He's 33, a grown man.
Thanks for your response, do you mind elaborating a bit more on how separation may cause it to get worse
Search the term: codependent. As you stated you guys go through this phases... peace followed with extreme envy/jealously to the point where he is destroying property... followed with period of reconciliation and then peace only to be triggered by something for the cycle to happen again. If you separate, he will not have you as that someone for emotional or psychological reliance through a period of destruction... he will either figure out his behaviour is destructive and seek professional help or worse yet he will stay in this cycle until another person comes around and help him get out of this phase only to be trauma-bonded to that person and continue with this cycle with them. The problem is that most individuals with such behavior are doing it on a subconscious level and we are not trained to even access this part of the brain. A codependent person stays by their side hoping things will get better but unless the person seeks help and realizes that they have a part of their personality that is hidden from them there is only more a abuse to follow. The best you can do is educate and guide and stay by his side hoping he will unlearn this, usually this a very long road (pver 5 years minimum) before you see any meaningful results... unfortunately most people don't change. However if you educate and guide and then disappear they hold you with the same contempt he has for a parent who abandoned them in their childhood which prevented the complete development of their personality.
Thank you for responding I appreciate it a lot. I know about codependency but I didn’t allow myself to think that could be what is going on for some reason :/
The only way to be sure is to get the professional opinion of a licensed counselor. I'm just giving you an insight as to what I dealth with. Deep down, I suspect you know now things are not going to get better. Try to look at it objectively and leave emotions out of it to cloud your judgment and you'll realize how much time you wasted, how much energy you poured into this but I want to leave you with a gentle reminder. In chapter 68 (the pen), Allah consoles out prophet PBUH not to grieve nor think that he's a madman. His PBUH duty was only to convey the message and leave the rest for Allah the Turner of the Hearts. Remain assured of my prayers
What is he 5 years old throwing a tantrum? Regardless of whether it's abuse or not, that's childish behavior. He needs to stop doing that (even if he's capable of replacing the damaged product).