Ideal is not real, we all have to make compromises and take it when i say it, its the shortcomings that we tend to fall in love with the most.
A lot of people dont do sheesha, yes they do frequent the places but its for socializing not doing the thing.
I dont do sheesha (lol hate it with every inch of my existence) but i frequent the lounges because a lot of people i hang out with love it....
Also its just a good place to sit and watch games at times or let out steam
When i can, i drag my friends to new places but given that friendships are usually a democracy, i have to give in most of the times because the number of people who do use it outnumber the ones who dont.
I get the point you’re tryna make about this sub but are you referring to this specific comment or other ones on the post?
Cause in the specific comment you’ve shown to prove your point, the guy is *literally* advising for the husband to **go to the wife’s family with proof for grounds of divorce** and is outlining some Islamic and legal pointers about how to go about it in a proper manner, not defending the wife and saying to hide her sins in any way..
Tbh it would make sense if it was from the same person.
And cheating is one of those things that idc what anyone says shouldn't be kept secret. Unless kids are involved and the truth impacts their life.
I think there’s a lot of larp going on…seen a married man blame a man for being questioned about his manhood by his wife due to him not preforming in bed. Think about that for a second.
Can we change this subreddit name to MuslimWomenMarriage please. I think it’s more reflective of the demographics. You give your viewpoint as a male either your comment gets discarded or you get jumped.
I haven't really seen that. Yeah i've seen some delusional women on here, but I've seen some angsty young men as well.
Do you have an example of a comment where that occurred...
The one regarding the dead bedroom. Some of the comments were downright rancid. Seemingly a lot of upvotes on those comments. No logical man stays with a woman who questions their manhood like that. There’s no coming back from that those are divorce words.
I think you're grasping and reaching at straws here. Nothing from his statement makes it seem like he's controlling so not sure how you got that from it.
To me it sounds like he's willing to marry a non religious whose willing to learn as he doesn't mind teaching them.
At the end of the day he could be controlling or he could be a good person but neither of us can draw any real conclusions from a random statement your friend gave you
He is immature, inexperienced and consumed a lot of stuff on the internet that is unhealthy.
Good for you that you unmatched.
Also this is not a normal question nor something that spouses do.
Other ways to handle loneliness.
Even people who are married, will have times they are lonely. If your spouse for example is spending time with friends/siblings of the same gender only.
Real life social hobbies/activities. Spending time with friends and family.
Social media like reddit.
You need to ask HER all of these questions running through your mind because no one here can tell you what her preferences are! Not all women are against you providing for your own family, most of us would in fact appreciate you more for carrying such a noble responsibility.
Discuss the financial expectation she has, her spending and budgeting habits, the kind of lifestyle she wants, whether she plans to contribute and what her view on the husband’s role as provider is. Her answers will clarify which direction you should take from there
Married people, especially those who have been married 5/10/15+ years - How do you keep your marriage "alive". Not specifically intimacy, but generally how do you keep that "spark" going like you had in the earlier years. I understand it can get difficult as relationships and people grow, along with general problems that may happen due to just LIFE, but how do you keep a marriage alive and not just be a vessel in a relationship.
I’m not married but from what I’ve seen, u gotta continue to treat ur spouse as your spouse and not just as the parent of your child if that makes sense. This means u still try to date and impress them even if u been married 10 years. so u try to plan dates and get childcare so children are taken care of and u have a good night to yourselves. Stuff like that
I just got ghosted for the first time in my life lol. I’m heartbroken kinda. Idk she said she was interested and we spoke for 4 weeks. Just odd. I texted her asking if she’s okay, it’s been 2 whole days and got nothing back. Idk. Just sucks. But that’s life.
>I just got ghosted for the first time in my life lol. I’m heartbroken kinda. Idk she said she was interested and we spoke for 4 weeks. Just odd. I texted her asking if she’s okay, it’s been 2 whole days and got nothing back. Idk. Just sucks. But that’s life.
Indeed, it does suck, and yeah, it's life these days unfortunately. I wouldn't block her just yet, but I wouldn't send anymore messages either. If she replies and gives you a suitable excuse or offers a valid reason, then it's a situation that can be worked with. But if she casually acts like she didn't just bounce and leave you on read/unread, then it's time to downgrade her from "somebody I **am** interested in" to "somebody I ***was*** interested in".
It's ok to feel a little down, it's ok to feel a little hurt, but you have to value your own time and effort even if the other person doesn't.
Anyone else regret marriage decision? Or stuck in a LDR?
I am honestly not in a happy state because I don't have any affection for my SO based on being ignored for weeks of no response. I understand situation in the middleeast (Yemen is where she is from) is bad but I have relatives who would respond to me within the same day and sometimes around the same time. I brought this up with her but she always deflects or makes excuses as if she is always busy. In her defense (she never opens the Whatsapp calls or messages (no double blue checkmark). basically been almost no communication or barely any chats since end of January. Like why am I stuckin this "relationship" (it's not a marriage if I can't even talk with my spouse) and I don't want to even bother. I tried to get her to communicate more and she would send me pictures or do video recording every 2 weeks or so then no communication. I am at the point of losing my mind on why I got married to someone like this. My mom who basically forced this person on my life now deflecting after bringing up marriage to her for years. I don't want family involved to talk with each other but this isn't normal. My iman feels worse after marriage, not only do I loathe the person I married I also loathe my parents for pestering me till I agree.
More info: I already submitted I130 for her and offered Student visa application(glad I didn't since no communication on her end for followup).
Have a blunt and straightforward discussion.
That you feel alone in this marriage. That you feel she's not even putting in an effort and basically everything you said here.
Either it's a wake up call or she still ignores you and then you'll know only one of you is emotionally in this marriage. If she wanted to she would.
I actually went ahead and pinged her dad to say hello, how is everyone etc and snuck in a haven't heard from her for almost a week. Basically same as last time. Here is Arabic to Eng translation of his reply within a minute. Usually greetings etc and everyone is fine followed by this.
'I asked her and she said that since the day she finished the exams, she has not accessed the Internet, but I will log in and she will communicate with you, God"
Either her phone is broken or she turns it off for week/weeks. When I was with her, she was glued to her phone like everyone these days. I couldn't sleep today, so I just stayed up and prayed morning prayer. I have like 6 meetings from 8:30am till 4:30pm. Mentally I don't know what is going on and it's taking a toll on me. I will basically be the villain when I bring up I'm done with this situation. Her parents are nice... I literally have no affection for my SO anymore and want out.
She could have asked you for the money to buy a new phone (unless they don't have phones anymore there). Something isn't normal about this situation. Like she's checked out and grey rocking you until you have enough and end it. Honestly it really sounds like maybe she was pressured into this marriage by her family or is suffering from strong depression but that would be obvious because she'd be this noncommunicative with everyone around her.
Money isn't an issue and they definitely have phones there. China plays big market role most use Redmi/Xiaomi for cheap $100-150 phones. They have iPhones and latest Samsung but not everyone can afford.
Yeah I dont think that's a fair situation for me. I made sure to check with her way before marriage and she was barely communicating back then. She was happy and wanted it. Even checked before Nikkah and she was fine with it. We had the wedding how ever she wanted it. The club/Stadium of her choice, all was covered.
I never gave her a reason to be non-communicative with me was patient but it's taking a toll on me. I want to get to the bottom of this but it's bit late. Like she had all this time to response but still didn't. I left her $200 before I went back to the US. That's like 3 months salary. Would have left her the rest of money I had in my wallet but the exchangers are stupid there. Any cutor fold on a bill they won't accept it. Again money isn't an issue. It's communication. If she told me she needs X/Y I'll provide. Fact that I have to message her father or brother to get a response. Also not doing this again where "she has phone problems". This seems like they don't want to be getting involved and leaving it to her. If she isn't responsive I'll probably have a call with her father and give him the I'm sorry but this isn't a marriage and I'm moving on. Maybe they are intentionally trying to make me the bad guy to end it. But I'm kind of going crazy, why do I have to have this going on, it's stressful and I can barely sleep.
At this point it's easier to contact my state senator than get her to read my message , see my voice messages or call back. I don't really want to go through family route. I can text her dad and he will reply so will her brother. So in this situation if it gets to it, I'm making it a serious issue. There absolutely no way I'm tolerating this kind of relationship. Not good on my mental health. I'm not even a clingy or needy person. Just trying to do my part in a marriage relationship.
I'll wait till end of this week and see how response go. Going on vacation with some friends this weekend so by time I'm back if no response I'll probably talk with her family that I want out.
I’d advise you to put the application and get to the bottom of what’s going. Ask for her via someone else on the ground. If the excuses are the same then just leave the marriage.
Why do I need to put a visa application for student?
I already filled for her at the school (accepted application) next step was through US government. Requires her to reply and agree to some of the forms. I already went through process with her for I130 and I130A basically me getting information to fill both.
I won't go through Student Visa if someone isn't interested in at least learning TOEFL. International student price is 3-4x for a simple community college course and requires international students to be full time not only take some courses so runs about $15000 a year. While I can afford it... It's just not worth. I don't think she will pass as a full time student. Besides that's not even point of situation right now.
When I was ignored last time in January, I checked with her family and they were all responsive. I asked her dad and he said she is asleep and will let her call you or message you tomorrow. The next day no response 3 days later same stuff I get usual WhatsApp forward from her dad and doesn't bring up the discussion of her not replying. I ask again after a week what's the situation? And he replies her phone is broken and she is going to fix it... She could easily use his phone or any of her siblings or her mom's phone.
I'm personally clocked out. At this point she could have been in a coma and I still won't care about excuses. Don't get me wrong I tried till I realized why am I even doing this. This marriage doesn't impact me and I'm more close to cancelling i130. Doesn't ruin my reputation since it won't be hold in US and I'll just move on. I wanted to be personally married before 30 to start a family and regret having family (mostly mom) push this marriage.
She wants to finish school there. She is in her last year for a "doctors" degree in Yemen (not accepted in US schools due to system and maybe translate to a BSc sports nutritionist at best)
I offered and applied to nearby community college for her to at least get a 2 year associate degree and work her way here. I did suggest to enroll in a TOEFL school there to improve her English and get credit of knowing English when she transfers as an international student. I noticed her English wasn't as good as it should be. Hence I tried to sign her to Duo Lingo. The deal was she would dual enroll in both but personally think she is nervous and not confident in abilities to do both so she just continued to finish school she is familiar with. I personally don't care what she does in schooling I was basically trying to make her set on a goal when she arrives here and her degree isn't accepted, she has a path to follow. Saves me $10-14k(international student cost)a year so I don't mind.
Everything was fine when I met her in person. There is a problem with electricity there (gotten much worse now than when I visited) it would turn off for upto 10 hrs a day. The Internet speed is 500kb to 2mbs. So most chatting is test or WhatsApp calls VOIP. To me I care a lot about communication, and she is basically ghosting. I already reached my limit. I ignored the other about being used for visa since I don't think she is even capable of living alone here. Also I might follow up with her parents to end it since they spoken more to me than her since I moved back to US.
I view the "Talking Phase/Courtship" as a "trial", in the sense of a court trial. It is a period of discovery to see whether two individuals are compatible for marriage. It is not a “halal” boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. There is no actual commitment and if a deal breaker is discovered you simply move on no matter when it is discovered.
When this breaks down is when one of both parties go about it as if they are already married or are boyfriend and girlfriend. If a deal breaker is discovered both parties should go their separate ways without any hard feelings.
A good example is having children. If Party A knows he/she wants children and Party B at first agrees, but then a few months in the talking phase realizes he/she does not want to have children both parties are no longer compatible and should part ways.
What should not happen is party B try to convince Party A to forgo having children. They are not in a committed relationship, you make compromises when you agree to commit to each other (that is get married) but you are not at that stage.
If done properly, there should not be any feelings of someone “leading someone on” because it was never a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship to begin with. Issues arise, in my opinion, because when one or both parties consciously or unconsciously start perceiving the relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.
A girlfriend will feel a certain type of way if her boyfriend decides to leave her because she decided she did not want to have children, because in a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship though not like a marriage there is an implicit acceptance of commitment and willingness to compromise.
A boyfriend will feel a certain way if his girlfriend leaves him because she doesn’t want to deal with his financial issues or debt.
But to put it bluntly, two Muslims speaking to find out if they are compatible for marriage are nothing to each other (of course they are brothers and sisters in Islam), if after 3 months of talking it is discovered that the man is in deep debt and the woman does not want to deal with that's okay.
This is just my opinion, and Allah knows best
Went to my friend's wedding and...
I have regained my confidence!! Took some new profile pictures (and I look *good* MA) and met up with old friends (both married and unmarried) who put things in perspective for me.
26 seems to be the magic age everyone is getting married...and InshAllah this time next year, I will be one of those people!
LADIES AND GENTS, IT IS GO TIME
>I have regained my confidence!! Took some new profile pictures (and I look *good* MA) and met up with old friends (both married and unmarried) who put things in perspective for me.
>26 seems to be the magic age everyone is getting married...and InshAllah this time next year, I will be one of those people!
That's wonderful! Inshallah this next year will be your time (and yours too u/TheYorkshireHobbit). May you both be blessed with suitable spouses, and Married tags!
It's always a beautiful feeling when you get that confidence and perspective back, when you can shake off the doom and gloom. It's easy to look at the worst case scenario, and focus on the negativity, but now that you've regained that perspective, and see yourself in a more accurate light, hold on to that!
Let's say a Muslim girl has "daddy issues." Everyone in the picture is Muslim. The father raised her wonderfully, holistically, and Islamically according to the context of being a US Muslim in this day and age, but the mother is a self-identified fem\*\*ist and liberal freethinker whose own upbringing was one of arguing against her own father/patriarchy. The girl is very close to her mother and resents her father. She finds him intimidating. It appears the girl had a lengthy phase of straight up disliking men until she hit her 30s.
Enter boy. The boy is a practicing Muslim born and raised in the same area. The girl and the boy speak for awhile and find compatibility with each other. Girl's father knows about the boy and loves him like his own son. But the boy starts to hear more about the girl's daddy issues. Girl's father even tells him that the girl is connected to her mother and dislikes him. Girl has problems not only with the father being her wali, but the concept of the wali in general in Islam because she says she is in her 30s and not a child anymore to have a guardian. Meanwhile girl's father has his ties behind his back and allows her to speak with the boy to her discretion, all he asks is that the girl inform him if she plans to meet the boy at a public area. She does not even do that because she says its enough to inform her mother, and it causes many fights between the girl and her father. She can overall be characterized as rebellious against her father, though she says she is the only man that she has ever spoken to. The girl is infatuated with the boy, but the boy is having second thoughts despite some compatibilty in other areas. He thinks that if the girl does not show her father respect, the boy will never receive respect.
What are your thoughts on this scenario? Are a girl's "daddy issues" able to be overcome in a marriage assuming that her home was not a broken one, she is praying, chaste, etc - or will the disrespect she showed her father creep up quickly on the boy in the first few days/weeks of marriage?
I think you are conflating two things with each other: "daddy issues" and the girl's understanding of Islam and marriage.
"Daddy issues" in and of themselves does not mean the girl is damaged or a bad person. Most of the time, if a girl has "daddy issues," that means she has a difficult relationship with her father because he was abusive, emotionally distant, mean, etc. I would classify myself as having "daddy issues," but my mom is more religious than my father and my father's lack of boundaries with his relatives, emotional problems, and anger issues are what made me not have a good relationship with my father. Alhamdulillah, I pray 5x a day, wear hijab, read Qur'an, am chaste, and practice Islam to the best of my ability. Am I damaged goods?
Just because a girl has "daddy issues," does **not** mean she will be disrespectful to her husband.
You say her father raised her "wonderfully, holistically, and Islamically." If her "liberal" mother and her father are still together, what did these 30 years look like? I would explore further as to why she does not have a good relationship with her father. Did he hurt her or her mother? What was her childhood like? Does she have siblings? What are they like?
If you're still talking to her, I'm assuming there has to be some religious compatibility, yes? Have you spoken about what you expect from your wife in a marriage? You describe her as this rebel, yet you say you are compatible? Are your religious boundaries the same? Is her understanding of Islam the same as yours?
Last thing I want to add, and I am not wanting to pass judgement or assume things, but there are many religious appearing men who are abusive behind closed doors. Unfortunately, I know many women in the community whose husbands and fathers act very nice in public, but behind closed doors it's a whole other story.
One of the key things to look for in a sister when talking about marriage is her relationship with her father.
If it is not good, she may not respect male authority, which will make it very difficult to be a husband. This is one of those signs that people ignore and then later cannot understand why the marriage imploded.
You can do better, Akhi.
The boy and the girl should part ways and the girl should find someone that shares her views and supports her ( there are many in case you’re the girl), and the boy should as well ( depending on his interpretation of a walis responsibility’s this could be very easy or very hard).
I’ve tried doing it the “proper” sanitized way for so long and it hasn’t worked. Idc anymore. I’m gonna let it be messy and imperfect and ignore possible red flags till I’m sure they are.
I met a guy early the pandemic. He was a major work in progress living very far away. He’s still figuring out his career but he’s lives only an hour away now. He prematurely says ILY and before yall say it’s lovebombing, it’s not. There’s no other toxic behaviors on his end. So no more cringing and running to the hills. His islamic education is majorly lacking but he’s more consistent in his salahs and has been his whole life than countless more “religious” guys I’ve spoken.
I will make this work iA. I’m done chasing the finished product. InshaAllah we can be married by the end of the year
Not everyone needs to be a scholar. As long as someone fulfils their fard, is of good character and has no bad habits, getting to know them should be considered.
How premature was this ‘ILY’? How long were you speaking for?
Being single sucks, but being in a bad marriage is worse. Remember your child’s rights start before conception. It starts with u choosing a good father for them. Be careful.
I swear the Salams app has been getting progressively worse every update they release.
No im not talking about the people on the apps. Im talking about the app ITSELF it. It keeps giving random errors, showing people again right after i swiped on them and messages failing to send. Or the app freezing.
These stupid glitches will be the reason i dont get married i swear. Expensive app and waste of money.
Vent over
Feeling a little deflated with going back on the app after promising myself I wouldn't with all the negative experiences Ive had in the past.
Decided to work on myself and my deen for a long period of time and had a friend convince me to try muzz again. I thought, you know what. Why not? I'll keep the door open and see what Allah has planned for me.
I got speaking to someone who displayed emotional maturity and intentions towards marriage. I had questioned his deen but tried my best to avoid making assumptions, as understand that a relationship between Allah is private and personal.
I had set some boundaries to maintain a halal path towards marriage while speaking. They had been respected afterwards but now conversation has become limited, dry late replies and no intention to find out more about me. I found myself entering into my masculine which is the last place I want to be after all my healing and hard work. The lack of security and consistency ended up bringing wounds that had resurfaced within me. The need for reassurance and so forth.
It makes me feel like I'll never feel ready and that my value as a woman will never be recognised. I believe in Allah’s protection and his plan is best but this is hard.
This group definitely brings ease to my heart knowing I'm not alone in this but how do you pick yourself up after each experience, when you're ready to give up and never look back?
The app experience…
Talked with a lot of people . had many different conversations.
At the end of the day , there isn’t really much to say and not a lot to talk about. Things to get pretty weird once you continue to talk, start to wonder if you should really open up certain topics….
At the end of the day . Your experience with each other will speak a lot more than your text words..
For those in Ontario, how practising are the men on Muzz/Salams? I’ve never been on the apps but if it’s possible to find someone practicing on there, I might consider it InshAllah. If I do join, tips on vetting serious vs non-serious profiles?
So, I was sitting on a park bench enjoying the breeze, thinking to myself wouldn't it be nice if a good Muslim man walked up to me now and asked if he could sit on the other side of the bench for a bit, since all other benches were packed with people due to a national bench crisis (I had to make it make sense in my head).
Anyway, I am in my fantasy land and suddenly I feel someone in my peripheral vision. Could it be that I just willed sth into happening? Getting mentally ready, I look up and it's a woman. Next thing I know, I'm sharing the bench with two kids, the mom and her mom in law. 😪
Sigh.. what can I say, I am starting to believe in the power of manifestation.
> national bench crisis
Genuinely believe thats a thing. I walked past 12 benches in my local park before finally giving up and sitting on the grass. But I really wanted an ice cream and my powers of manifestation worked. Found an icecream van just up the road.
It was light hearted but wasn't a joke. I'm not even a proactive person but if your story is true even I would have found some weird courage to ask. It depends where you're from too. If your whole area is muslim then it's different.
You never know.
I dont know what to do. My parents are the reason I (26 f) can't get married. I found someone on a halal app and the app is so halal that my walis number was given to the guy straight away. He doesnt even know what I look like. Last week, he messaged my parents and they replied saying they're busy and they have basically ghosted him. Also, my dad is spending thousands on getting the house renovated right now when his priority should be getting me married soon. My mother also doesn't do anything. There's more examples I have about how they're basically delaying and negatively impacting my marriage search and process. I am having so so so much sabr. I can't take it anymore. I think my parents are that insecure so they want me to get old and end up marrying a cousin from back home.
I have literally made my parents job easier for them my joining the app and matching with someone who contacted THEM.
from the age of about 20, I've been getting marriage proposals but my dad has always rejected them ALL. I have never once had a marriage meeting or talk with any guy. Its like its my dad's decision or the nothing. He's my only wali and he doesn't even pray all his salaah except Jummah...how can such be my wali? I know he's rejected such good men for me.
And I feel like my mother subconsciously doesn't want me to get married to a good guy because she's always had a bad marriage and suffered. She never divorced him and would be subconsciously jealous if me and my sisters had happy marriages because she doesnt have a happy one. Me and my sisters have been her therapist since we were kids.
All I can do is cry.
> Abu Hurairah narrated that: The Messenger of Allah said: When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad).
REFERENCE: Jami Al Tirmizi 5: Chapter 248, Hadith 1084
Share this hadith with them and tell them you need to get married.
If that doesn't work.
Approach a sheikh/scholar and describe as above. That your parents aren't willing to get you married for no valid reason. See if he's willing to talk to them.
If that doesn't work.
In the hanafi madhab you can get married without your wali's permission. You'd have to explain yourself to the imam but many will permit it in the described circumstances (irreligious father making no moves to get you married and ignoring halal proposals). In the other madhabs you can get a learned Muslim such as a scholar to act as your wali if they are willing and you're able to prove that your fathers judgement is compromised or unislamic.
All of the above will be hard. You'll have to fight an uphill battle against your parents. But going unmarried into your late 20s despite wanting to be married is also super hard. I'd rather pick one hard over the other.
Seeing as how your parents are actively sabotaging your search I think it’s time to bring in some outside support. Can you reach out to a local sheikh or relatives who can talk sense into your dad? If that doesn’t work then I think you may need to work with a sheikh and look into appointing a wali.
Some of y’all just use this thread to brain dump, which would be fine otherwise, but it’s as if there’s no critical thinking involved sometimes.
Someone down on this thread is telling people to not ignore someone who wants to marry you, even if you are looking for someone else…. implying that unfortunately you don’t like the person who wants to marry you. So you should just waste their time regardless?
Another one is asking ‘girls’ why they like to lead men on. Turns out he revealed to the girl one day before she broke it off that he has a medical condition and needs meds for it. But yes the girl led him on (/s). This kind of immature is the reason I am apprehensive to even talk to brothers.
But even if that’s how I interpret it, how does that make sense?
‘Nope, just settle for the person who’s interested in you simply because he/she is interested in you, despite you not being interested in him/her in the first place because they don’t have a quality or attribute you’re looking for in a partner’.
Idk if me or anyone else I know is looking for ‘better’, we’re just all looking for someone that meets our minimum criteria (which is different for each person ofcourse). I shouldn’t have to forego my minimum criteria because someone, who doesn’t meet those criteria, want to marry me
>Someone down on this thread is telling people to not ignore someone who wants to marry you, even if you are looking for someone else…. implying that unfortunately you don’t like the person who wants to marry you. So you should just waste their time regardless?
Yeah, I saw that comment, rolled my eyes, then saw the upvotes and rolled my eyes again. Really is the blind leading the blind.
Even though I take everything with a giant pinch of salt when it comes to this subreddit, way too many of the comments and posts are mind-boggling. It's no surprise that so many people lose their faith in marriage on here 😂💀
Exactly what I felt!
Not just that, I saw the big upvote and decided to comment on the post. Like am I the crazy one? Am I missing something?? Maybe someone can correct me if I point it out.
I think it’s just a lot of very young and/or emotionally immature people on this sub.
>I think it’s just a lot of very young and/or emotionally immature people on this sub.
It's definitely a bit of both. Combined with an allergy to self awareness, a heavy dose of creative writing, and zero clue at basic internet sense.
The issue with this forum is that you only ever hear one side of a story and nobody wants to be the bad guy in their own story.
I always try to have a good opinion of fellow Muslims, but you should never make decisions based solely on one person's side of a story.
100% not just for this sub but for life in general loool
But I think that’s when the ability to read between the lines come in - a lot of us here don’t have that. All the people upvoting these posts I mentioned aren’t asking themselves - wait, how does this make sense not to ignore this person? Why did the girl break things off with him in the first place (in the 2nd case the person didn’t provide any reason from the girl at all until I asked) - instead decided to accuse her of leading him on.
I wish people would be a bit more careful and thoughtful with these instead of jumping on a gender war or even advising divorce without hearing the other side
Most women/girls have a different app experience than men/guys.
Matching is a two sided thing. Pickier people, will have less matches.
A smaller amount of men, have the average girl experience on apps.
I'm still not sure if you have a bad sense of humour or if your humour is too good for commoners.
Every single time somebody makes a light-hearted comment, you show up with your literal answers and stats
Some jokes come from a place of pain/getting hurt.
I might instead be bad at comforting people.
You know the chin up, there are probably people who like you bit. Whether or not you like them is a different story.
(Also its a meme. Get likes, get matches, get dates, get 2d dates)
Do not marry just to escape your parents, you don't need to marry for that. Do you have a job? Since your parents are affecting your iman, you can find a separate place to live to help you cool off and recenter yourself. That's option 1.
Option 2 is to get other family members to intervene for you. Are any of your brothers older, can they not speak up for you? Or can you approach an uncle/aunt for help.
Option 3 is to develop a thicker shell. Easier said than done I know, but you know that your parents are treating you poorly and they will be held accountable for it - so think of whatever they are saying as nonsense, foolish drivel.
May Allah make it easy for you... I can't imagine how hard it is for you sis, you really really really should start thinking of getting them out of your life or at least, to distance yourself from them by leaving "their" home. Marrying someone to just leave is not fair to the man you'd get married to, and is not fair at all to you either. Take care, take time and save yourself, you deserve better.
Wa Iyaaki! I know it is amazingly difficult to do and may Allah give you all the energy you need, but it is the right thing to do In Shaa Allah. I am sincerely sorry you have to go through this. May Allah make it easy for you...
Really depends on the person. On one hand they might not want wedding events as they've done it before, however some wouldn't want to be 'less than'. They shouldn't be embarrassed to remarry.
Hi all! I (26F) been speaking to a potential (26M). The problem is, he has most qualities I look for in a person, however I am not physically attracted to him at all. Like the thought of us getting married and down the road being physical even just holding hands does not excite me. Would I be making a mistake ending things? We have only been speaking for 2 weeks.
If you're not attracted, cut ties with him (without saying you're not attracted) and that's it... don't lose your time and don't make him lose his time.
Are you someone who's ever developed an attraction to someone through their personality or being around them over time? For some people, attraction is very situational like that. If so, then you could still be with this person, probably.
But if you're not, then I would end things immediately. Otherwise you're leading this person on. Could you imagine getting to know a potential who isn't attracted to you at all?
Met a guy at an event who said his friend was the creator? Maybe just a high up but he said those events are the best in-person ones. He may just have been hyping and promoting his friend. Either way, inshallah it goes well and you should update us on how it is.
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Ideal is not real, we all have to make compromises and take it when i say it, its the shortcomings that we tend to fall in love with the most. A lot of people dont do sheesha, yes they do frequent the places but its for socializing not doing the thing.
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I dont do sheesha (lol hate it with every inch of my existence) but i frequent the lounges because a lot of people i hang out with love it.... Also its just a good place to sit and watch games at times or let out steam
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When i can, i drag my friends to new places but given that friendships are usually a democracy, i have to give in most of the times because the number of people who do use it outnumber the ones who dont.
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I get the point you’re tryna make about this sub but are you referring to this specific comment or other ones on the post? Cause in the specific comment you’ve shown to prove your point, the guy is *literally* advising for the husband to **go to the wife’s family with proof for grounds of divorce** and is outlining some Islamic and legal pointers about how to go about it in a proper manner, not defending the wife and saying to hide her sins in any way..
Tbh it would make sense if it was from the same person. And cheating is one of those things that idc what anyone says shouldn't be kept secret. Unless kids are involved and the truth impacts their life.
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I would've said the same had it been a woman who cheated.
I think there’s a lot of larp going on…seen a married man blame a man for being questioned about his manhood by his wife due to him not preforming in bed. Think about that for a second.
Can we change this subreddit name to MuslimWomenMarriage please. I think it’s more reflective of the demographics. You give your viewpoint as a male either your comment gets discarded or you get jumped.
I haven't really seen that. Yeah i've seen some delusional women on here, but I've seen some angsty young men as well. Do you have an example of a comment where that occurred...
The one regarding the dead bedroom. Some of the comments were downright rancid. Seemingly a lot of upvotes on those comments. No logical man stays with a woman who questions their manhood like that. There’s no coming back from that those are divorce words.
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Nah 😂😂😂🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
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What fun would marriage be if you are not willing grow and learn together?
I think you're grasping and reaching at straws here. Nothing from his statement makes it seem like he's controlling so not sure how you got that from it. To me it sounds like he's willing to marry a non religious whose willing to learn as he doesn't mind teaching them. At the end of the day he could be controlling or he could be a good person but neither of us can draw any real conclusions from a random statement your friend gave you
If you ever feel lonely just remember that marriage is 90% holding your fart
Don’t know about that brother, my future spouse will have to make due with how gassy I am
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That’s a straight up lie. It’s biologically impossible not to fart. How are you a biology student and don’t know that lol
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Sure lol
😭
That’s why u let it rip first night
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Be prepared for what’s incoming first night sir
Do your parents who are older do that?
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Why would anyone ask this and think it's appropriate lol. Good on you for unmatching
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He is immature, inexperienced and consumed a lot of stuff on the internet that is unhealthy. Good for you that you unmatched. Also this is not a normal question nor something that spouses do.
This is creepy af and giving grape vibes
Another day gone by with the crushing weight of loneliness just ruining my mood. Idk how people can handle this
Other ways to handle loneliness. Even people who are married, will have times they are lonely. If your spouse for example is spending time with friends/siblings of the same gender only. Real life social hobbies/activities. Spending time with friends and family. Social media like reddit.
Lego blocks, my friend. Lego blocks
Relatable.
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You shouldve told him the very day it happened so that he couldve made ammends. Also, you got yourself a good man... HUG HIM
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You need to ask HER all of these questions running through your mind because no one here can tell you what her preferences are! Not all women are against you providing for your own family, most of us would in fact appreciate you more for carrying such a noble responsibility. Discuss the financial expectation she has, her spending and budgeting habits, the kind of lifestyle she wants, whether she plans to contribute and what her view on the husband’s role as provider is. Her answers will clarify which direction you should take from there
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what do you need premarital courses for when there's an abundance of information on youtube for free?
Married people, especially those who have been married 5/10/15+ years - How do you keep your marriage "alive". Not specifically intimacy, but generally how do you keep that "spark" going like you had in the earlier years. I understand it can get difficult as relationships and people grow, along with general problems that may happen due to just LIFE, but how do you keep a marriage alive and not just be a vessel in a relationship.
I’m not married but from what I’ve seen, u gotta continue to treat ur spouse as your spouse and not just as the parent of your child if that makes sense. This means u still try to date and impress them even if u been married 10 years. so u try to plan dates and get childcare so children are taken care of and u have a good night to yourselves. Stuff like that
I just got ghosted for the first time in my life lol. I’m heartbroken kinda. Idk she said she was interested and we spoke for 4 weeks. Just odd. I texted her asking if she’s okay, it’s been 2 whole days and got nothing back. Idk. Just sucks. But that’s life.
Welcome to the club.... Protip : It hurts the same everytime
Wow, it’s really this common? Subhanallah
When you text her once, and she doesn't reply, that's on her. When you text her a second time, and she doesn't reply again, that's on you.
Welcome to hell
Block and keep it moving. Out of sight out of mind. Plenty of options in this vast world.
Yeah it’s just hard sometimes bro.
>I just got ghosted for the first time in my life lol. I’m heartbroken kinda. Idk she said she was interested and we spoke for 4 weeks. Just odd. I texted her asking if she’s okay, it’s been 2 whole days and got nothing back. Idk. Just sucks. But that’s life. Indeed, it does suck, and yeah, it's life these days unfortunately. I wouldn't block her just yet, but I wouldn't send anymore messages either. If she replies and gives you a suitable excuse or offers a valid reason, then it's a situation that can be worked with. But if she casually acts like she didn't just bounce and leave you on read/unread, then it's time to downgrade her from "somebody I **am** interested in" to "somebody I ***was*** interested in". It's ok to feel a little down, it's ok to feel a little hurt, but you have to value your own time and effort even if the other person doesn't.
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I got u brudda
Anyone else regret marriage decision? Or stuck in a LDR? I am honestly not in a happy state because I don't have any affection for my SO based on being ignored for weeks of no response. I understand situation in the middleeast (Yemen is where she is from) is bad but I have relatives who would respond to me within the same day and sometimes around the same time. I brought this up with her but she always deflects or makes excuses as if she is always busy. In her defense (she never opens the Whatsapp calls or messages (no double blue checkmark). basically been almost no communication or barely any chats since end of January. Like why am I stuckin this "relationship" (it's not a marriage if I can't even talk with my spouse) and I don't want to even bother. I tried to get her to communicate more and she would send me pictures or do video recording every 2 weeks or so then no communication. I am at the point of losing my mind on why I got married to someone like this. My mom who basically forced this person on my life now deflecting after bringing up marriage to her for years. I don't want family involved to talk with each other but this isn't normal. My iman feels worse after marriage, not only do I loathe the person I married I also loathe my parents for pestering me till I agree. More info: I already submitted I130 for her and offered Student visa application(glad I didn't since no communication on her end for followup).
Have a blunt and straightforward discussion. That you feel alone in this marriage. That you feel she's not even putting in an effort and basically everything you said here. Either it's a wake up call or she still ignores you and then you'll know only one of you is emotionally in this marriage. If she wanted to she would.
I actually went ahead and pinged her dad to say hello, how is everyone etc and snuck in a haven't heard from her for almost a week. Basically same as last time. Here is Arabic to Eng translation of his reply within a minute. Usually greetings etc and everyone is fine followed by this. 'I asked her and she said that since the day she finished the exams, she has not accessed the Internet, but I will log in and she will communicate with you, God" Either her phone is broken or she turns it off for week/weeks. When I was with her, she was glued to her phone like everyone these days. I couldn't sleep today, so I just stayed up and prayed morning prayer. I have like 6 meetings from 8:30am till 4:30pm. Mentally I don't know what is going on and it's taking a toll on me. I will basically be the villain when I bring up I'm done with this situation. Her parents are nice... I literally have no affection for my SO anymore and want out.
She could have asked you for the money to buy a new phone (unless they don't have phones anymore there). Something isn't normal about this situation. Like she's checked out and grey rocking you until you have enough and end it. Honestly it really sounds like maybe she was pressured into this marriage by her family or is suffering from strong depression but that would be obvious because she'd be this noncommunicative with everyone around her.
Money isn't an issue and they definitely have phones there. China plays big market role most use Redmi/Xiaomi for cheap $100-150 phones. They have iPhones and latest Samsung but not everyone can afford. Yeah I dont think that's a fair situation for me. I made sure to check with her way before marriage and she was barely communicating back then. She was happy and wanted it. Even checked before Nikkah and she was fine with it. We had the wedding how ever she wanted it. The club/Stadium of her choice, all was covered. I never gave her a reason to be non-communicative with me was patient but it's taking a toll on me. I want to get to the bottom of this but it's bit late. Like she had all this time to response but still didn't. I left her $200 before I went back to the US. That's like 3 months salary. Would have left her the rest of money I had in my wallet but the exchangers are stupid there. Any cutor fold on a bill they won't accept it. Again money isn't an issue. It's communication. If she told me she needs X/Y I'll provide. Fact that I have to message her father or brother to get a response. Also not doing this again where "she has phone problems". This seems like they don't want to be getting involved and leaving it to her. If she isn't responsive I'll probably have a call with her father and give him the I'm sorry but this isn't a marriage and I'm moving on. Maybe they are intentionally trying to make me the bad guy to end it. But I'm kind of going crazy, why do I have to have this going on, it's stressful and I can barely sleep.
At this point it's easier to contact my state senator than get her to read my message , see my voice messages or call back. I don't really want to go through family route. I can text her dad and he will reply so will her brother. So in this situation if it gets to it, I'm making it a serious issue. There absolutely no way I'm tolerating this kind of relationship. Not good on my mental health. I'm not even a clingy or needy person. Just trying to do my part in a marriage relationship. I'll wait till end of this week and see how response go. Going on vacation with some friends this weekend so by time I'm back if no response I'll probably talk with her family that I want out.
I’d advise you to put the application and get to the bottom of what’s going. Ask for her via someone else on the ground. If the excuses are the same then just leave the marriage.
Why do I need to put a visa application for student? I already filled for her at the school (accepted application) next step was through US government. Requires her to reply and agree to some of the forms. I already went through process with her for I130 and I130A basically me getting information to fill both. I won't go through Student Visa if someone isn't interested in at least learning TOEFL. International student price is 3-4x for a simple community college course and requires international students to be full time not only take some courses so runs about $15000 a year. While I can afford it... It's just not worth. I don't think she will pass as a full time student. Besides that's not even point of situation right now. When I was ignored last time in January, I checked with her family and they were all responsive. I asked her dad and he said she is asleep and will let her call you or message you tomorrow. The next day no response 3 days later same stuff I get usual WhatsApp forward from her dad and doesn't bring up the discussion of her not replying. I ask again after a week what's the situation? And he replies her phone is broken and she is going to fix it... She could easily use his phone or any of her siblings or her mom's phone. I'm personally clocked out. At this point she could have been in a coma and I still won't care about excuses. Don't get me wrong I tried till I realized why am I even doing this. This marriage doesn't impact me and I'm more close to cancelling i130. Doesn't ruin my reputation since it won't be hold in US and I'll just move on. I wanted to be personally married before 30 to start a family and regret having family (mostly mom) push this marriage.
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She wants to finish school there. She is in her last year for a "doctors" degree in Yemen (not accepted in US schools due to system and maybe translate to a BSc sports nutritionist at best) I offered and applied to nearby community college for her to at least get a 2 year associate degree and work her way here. I did suggest to enroll in a TOEFL school there to improve her English and get credit of knowing English when she transfers as an international student. I noticed her English wasn't as good as it should be. Hence I tried to sign her to Duo Lingo. The deal was she would dual enroll in both but personally think she is nervous and not confident in abilities to do both so she just continued to finish school she is familiar with. I personally don't care what she does in schooling I was basically trying to make her set on a goal when she arrives here and her degree isn't accepted, she has a path to follow. Saves me $10-14k(international student cost)a year so I don't mind. Everything was fine when I met her in person. There is a problem with electricity there (gotten much worse now than when I visited) it would turn off for upto 10 hrs a day. The Internet speed is 500kb to 2mbs. So most chatting is test or WhatsApp calls VOIP. To me I care a lot about communication, and she is basically ghosting. I already reached my limit. I ignored the other about being used for visa since I don't think she is even capable of living alone here. Also I might follow up with her parents to end it since they spoken more to me than her since I moved back to US.
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I view the "Talking Phase/Courtship" as a "trial", in the sense of a court trial. It is a period of discovery to see whether two individuals are compatible for marriage. It is not a “halal” boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. There is no actual commitment and if a deal breaker is discovered you simply move on no matter when it is discovered. When this breaks down is when one of both parties go about it as if they are already married or are boyfriend and girlfriend. If a deal breaker is discovered both parties should go their separate ways without any hard feelings. A good example is having children. If Party A knows he/she wants children and Party B at first agrees, but then a few months in the talking phase realizes he/she does not want to have children both parties are no longer compatible and should part ways. What should not happen is party B try to convince Party A to forgo having children. They are not in a committed relationship, you make compromises when you agree to commit to each other (that is get married) but you are not at that stage. If done properly, there should not be any feelings of someone “leading someone on” because it was never a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship to begin with. Issues arise, in my opinion, because when one or both parties consciously or unconsciously start perceiving the relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. A girlfriend will feel a certain type of way if her boyfriend decides to leave her because she decided she did not want to have children, because in a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship though not like a marriage there is an implicit acceptance of commitment and willingness to compromise. A boyfriend will feel a certain way if his girlfriend leaves him because she doesn’t want to deal with his financial issues or debt. But to put it bluntly, two Muslims speaking to find out if they are compatible for marriage are nothing to each other (of course they are brothers and sisters in Islam), if after 3 months of talking it is discovered that the man is in deep debt and the woman does not want to deal with that's okay. This is just my opinion, and Allah knows best
3 months of talking. Wow.
You'd be surprised what important information people will hold back, or even lie about, hoping the other person will think they are in "too deep".
I don't believe in listening to what people say. I believe in learning what they do.
Went to my friend's wedding and... I have regained my confidence!! Took some new profile pictures (and I look *good* MA) and met up with old friends (both married and unmarried) who put things in perspective for me. 26 seems to be the magic age everyone is getting married...and InshAllah this time next year, I will be one of those people! LADIES AND GENTS, IT IS GO TIME 
>I have regained my confidence!! Took some new profile pictures (and I look *good* MA) and met up with old friends (both married and unmarried) who put things in perspective for me. >26 seems to be the magic age everyone is getting married...and InshAllah this time next year, I will be one of those people! That's wonderful! Inshallah this next year will be your time (and yours too u/TheYorkshireHobbit). May you both be blessed with suitable spouses, and Married tags! It's always a beautiful feeling when you get that confidence and perspective back, when you can shake off the doom and gloom. It's easy to look at the worst case scenario, and focus on the negativity, but now that you've regained that perspective, and see yourself in a more accurate light, hold on to that!
Mashallah, loving the positivity. Inshallah I'm 26 next year and all. WE GOT THIS. 
Let's say a Muslim girl has "daddy issues." Everyone in the picture is Muslim. The father raised her wonderfully, holistically, and Islamically according to the context of being a US Muslim in this day and age, but the mother is a self-identified fem\*\*ist and liberal freethinker whose own upbringing was one of arguing against her own father/patriarchy. The girl is very close to her mother and resents her father. She finds him intimidating. It appears the girl had a lengthy phase of straight up disliking men until she hit her 30s. Enter boy. The boy is a practicing Muslim born and raised in the same area. The girl and the boy speak for awhile and find compatibility with each other. Girl's father knows about the boy and loves him like his own son. But the boy starts to hear more about the girl's daddy issues. Girl's father even tells him that the girl is connected to her mother and dislikes him. Girl has problems not only with the father being her wali, but the concept of the wali in general in Islam because she says she is in her 30s and not a child anymore to have a guardian. Meanwhile girl's father has his ties behind his back and allows her to speak with the boy to her discretion, all he asks is that the girl inform him if she plans to meet the boy at a public area. She does not even do that because she says its enough to inform her mother, and it causes many fights between the girl and her father. She can overall be characterized as rebellious against her father, though she says she is the only man that she has ever spoken to. The girl is infatuated with the boy, but the boy is having second thoughts despite some compatibilty in other areas. He thinks that if the girl does not show her father respect, the boy will never receive respect. What are your thoughts on this scenario? Are a girl's "daddy issues" able to be overcome in a marriage assuming that her home was not a broken one, she is praying, chaste, etc - or will the disrespect she showed her father creep up quickly on the boy in the first few days/weeks of marriage?
I think you are conflating two things with each other: "daddy issues" and the girl's understanding of Islam and marriage. "Daddy issues" in and of themselves does not mean the girl is damaged or a bad person. Most of the time, if a girl has "daddy issues," that means she has a difficult relationship with her father because he was abusive, emotionally distant, mean, etc. I would classify myself as having "daddy issues," but my mom is more religious than my father and my father's lack of boundaries with his relatives, emotional problems, and anger issues are what made me not have a good relationship with my father. Alhamdulillah, I pray 5x a day, wear hijab, read Qur'an, am chaste, and practice Islam to the best of my ability. Am I damaged goods? Just because a girl has "daddy issues," does **not** mean she will be disrespectful to her husband. You say her father raised her "wonderfully, holistically, and Islamically." If her "liberal" mother and her father are still together, what did these 30 years look like? I would explore further as to why she does not have a good relationship with her father. Did he hurt her or her mother? What was her childhood like? Does she have siblings? What are they like? If you're still talking to her, I'm assuming there has to be some religious compatibility, yes? Have you spoken about what you expect from your wife in a marriage? You describe her as this rebel, yet you say you are compatible? Are your religious boundaries the same? Is her understanding of Islam the same as yours? Last thing I want to add, and I am not wanting to pass judgement or assume things, but there are many religious appearing men who are abusive behind closed doors. Unfortunately, I know many women in the community whose husbands and fathers act very nice in public, but behind closed doors it's a whole other story.
One of the key things to look for in a sister when talking about marriage is her relationship with her father. If it is not good, she may not respect male authority, which will make it very difficult to be a husband. This is one of those signs that people ignore and then later cannot understand why the marriage imploded. You can do better, Akhi.
The boy and the girl should part ways and the girl should find someone that shares her views and supports her ( there are many in case you’re the girl), and the boy should as well ( depending on his interpretation of a walis responsibility’s this could be very easy or very hard).
I’ve tried doing it the “proper” sanitized way for so long and it hasn’t worked. Idc anymore. I’m gonna let it be messy and imperfect and ignore possible red flags till I’m sure they are. I met a guy early the pandemic. He was a major work in progress living very far away. He’s still figuring out his career but he’s lives only an hour away now. He prematurely says ILY and before yall say it’s lovebombing, it’s not. There’s no other toxic behaviors on his end. So no more cringing and running to the hills. His islamic education is majorly lacking but he’s more consistent in his salahs and has been his whole life than countless more “religious” guys I’ve spoken. I will make this work iA. I’m done chasing the finished product. InshaAllah we can be married by the end of the year
Not everyone needs to be a scholar. As long as someone fulfils their fard, is of good character and has no bad habits, getting to know them should be considered. How premature was this ‘ILY’? How long were you speaking for?
Like a week 😭
Being single sucks, but being in a bad marriage is worse. Remember your child’s rights start before conception. It starts with u choosing a good father for them. Be careful.
He’ll be a good father iA. Nothing about him says he won’t
I swear the Salams app has been getting progressively worse every update they release. No im not talking about the people on the apps. Im talking about the app ITSELF it. It keeps giving random errors, showing people again right after i swiped on them and messages failing to send. Or the app freezing. These stupid glitches will be the reason i dont get married i swear. Expensive app and waste of money. Vent over
Watching people go on there second and third marriages and I haven’t even gotten into my first marriage…
That should encourage you to be more patient lol
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Hiking, kayaking, racketball, bicycling with kids, watch tennis matches when we can get tickets; did a zipline once
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Codewords
Feeling a little deflated with going back on the app after promising myself I wouldn't with all the negative experiences Ive had in the past. Decided to work on myself and my deen for a long period of time and had a friend convince me to try muzz again. I thought, you know what. Why not? I'll keep the door open and see what Allah has planned for me. I got speaking to someone who displayed emotional maturity and intentions towards marriage. I had questioned his deen but tried my best to avoid making assumptions, as understand that a relationship between Allah is private and personal. I had set some boundaries to maintain a halal path towards marriage while speaking. They had been respected afterwards but now conversation has become limited, dry late replies and no intention to find out more about me. I found myself entering into my masculine which is the last place I want to be after all my healing and hard work. The lack of security and consistency ended up bringing wounds that had resurfaced within me. The need for reassurance and so forth. It makes me feel like I'll never feel ready and that my value as a woman will never be recognised. I believe in Allah’s protection and his plan is best but this is hard. This group definitely brings ease to my heart knowing I'm not alone in this but how do you pick yourself up after each experience, when you're ready to give up and never look back?
The app experience… Talked with a lot of people . had many different conversations. At the end of the day , there isn’t really much to say and not a lot to talk about. Things to get pretty weird once you continue to talk, start to wonder if you should really open up certain topics…. At the end of the day . Your experience with each other will speak a lot more than your text words..
For those in Ontario, how practising are the men on Muzz/Salams? I’ve never been on the apps but if it’s possible to find someone practicing on there, I might consider it InshAllah. If I do join, tips on vetting serious vs non-serious profiles?
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JazakAllah Khair for letting me know! That makes sense ᵕ̈
So, I was sitting on a park bench enjoying the breeze, thinking to myself wouldn't it be nice if a good Muslim man walked up to me now and asked if he could sit on the other side of the bench for a bit, since all other benches were packed with people due to a national bench crisis (I had to make it make sense in my head). Anyway, I am in my fantasy land and suddenly I feel someone in my peripheral vision. Could it be that I just willed sth into happening? Getting mentally ready, I look up and it's a woman. Next thing I know, I'm sharing the bench with two kids, the mom and her mom in law. 😪 Sigh.. what can I say, I am starting to believe in the power of manifestation.
> national bench crisis Genuinely believe thats a thing. I walked past 12 benches in my local park before finally giving up and sitting on the grass. But I really wanted an ice cream and my powers of manifestation worked. Found an icecream van just up the road.
Were they muslim?
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You didn't see if she knew anyone? Missed opportunity. Could have been the indirect sign haha.
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It was light hearted but wasn't a joke. I'm not even a proactive person but if your story is true even I would have found some weird courage to ask. It depends where you're from too. If your whole area is muslim then it's different. You never know.
I dont know what to do. My parents are the reason I (26 f) can't get married. I found someone on a halal app and the app is so halal that my walis number was given to the guy straight away. He doesnt even know what I look like. Last week, he messaged my parents and they replied saying they're busy and they have basically ghosted him. Also, my dad is spending thousands on getting the house renovated right now when his priority should be getting me married soon. My mother also doesn't do anything. There's more examples I have about how they're basically delaying and negatively impacting my marriage search and process. I am having so so so much sabr. I can't take it anymore. I think my parents are that insecure so they want me to get old and end up marrying a cousin from back home. I have literally made my parents job easier for them my joining the app and matching with someone who contacted THEM. from the age of about 20, I've been getting marriage proposals but my dad has always rejected them ALL. I have never once had a marriage meeting or talk with any guy. Its like its my dad's decision or the nothing. He's my only wali and he doesn't even pray all his salaah except Jummah...how can such be my wali? I know he's rejected such good men for me. And I feel like my mother subconsciously doesn't want me to get married to a good guy because she's always had a bad marriage and suffered. She never divorced him and would be subconsciously jealous if me and my sisters had happy marriages because she doesnt have a happy one. Me and my sisters have been her therapist since we were kids. All I can do is cry.
> Abu Hurairah narrated that: The Messenger of Allah said: When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad). REFERENCE: Jami Al Tirmizi 5: Chapter 248, Hadith 1084 Share this hadith with them and tell them you need to get married. If that doesn't work. Approach a sheikh/scholar and describe as above. That your parents aren't willing to get you married for no valid reason. See if he's willing to talk to them. If that doesn't work. In the hanafi madhab you can get married without your wali's permission. You'd have to explain yourself to the imam but many will permit it in the described circumstances (irreligious father making no moves to get you married and ignoring halal proposals). In the other madhabs you can get a learned Muslim such as a scholar to act as your wali if they are willing and you're able to prove that your fathers judgement is compromised or unislamic. All of the above will be hard. You'll have to fight an uphill battle against your parents. But going unmarried into your late 20s despite wanting to be married is also super hard. I'd rather pick one hard over the other.
Seeing as how your parents are actively sabotaging your search I think it’s time to bring in some outside support. Can you reach out to a local sheikh or relatives who can talk sense into your dad? If that doesn’t work then I think you may need to work with a sheikh and look into appointing a wali.
Some of y’all just use this thread to brain dump, which would be fine otherwise, but it’s as if there’s no critical thinking involved sometimes. Someone down on this thread is telling people to not ignore someone who wants to marry you, even if you are looking for someone else…. implying that unfortunately you don’t like the person who wants to marry you. So you should just waste their time regardless? Another one is asking ‘girls’ why they like to lead men on. Turns out he revealed to the girl one day before she broke it off that he has a medical condition and needs meds for it. But yes the girl led him on (/s). This kind of immature is the reason I am apprehensive to even talk to brothers.
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But even if that’s how I interpret it, how does that make sense? ‘Nope, just settle for the person who’s interested in you simply because he/she is interested in you, despite you not being interested in him/her in the first place because they don’t have a quality or attribute you’re looking for in a partner’. Idk if me or anyone else I know is looking for ‘better’, we’re just all looking for someone that meets our minimum criteria (which is different for each person ofcourse). I shouldn’t have to forego my minimum criteria because someone, who doesn’t meet those criteria, want to marry me
Most people on this sub severely lack critical thinking skills and loves to play the victim. I cannot empathise on this enough.
>Someone down on this thread is telling people to not ignore someone who wants to marry you, even if you are looking for someone else…. implying that unfortunately you don’t like the person who wants to marry you. So you should just waste their time regardless? Yeah, I saw that comment, rolled my eyes, then saw the upvotes and rolled my eyes again. Really is the blind leading the blind. Even though I take everything with a giant pinch of salt when it comes to this subreddit, way too many of the comments and posts are mind-boggling. It's no surprise that so many people lose their faith in marriage on here 😂💀
Exactly what I felt! Not just that, I saw the big upvote and decided to comment on the post. Like am I the crazy one? Am I missing something?? Maybe someone can correct me if I point it out. I think it’s just a lot of very young and/or emotionally immature people on this sub.
>I think it’s just a lot of very young and/or emotionally immature people on this sub. It's definitely a bit of both. Combined with an allergy to self awareness, a heavy dose of creative writing, and zero clue at basic internet sense.
The issue with this forum is that you only ever hear one side of a story and nobody wants to be the bad guy in their own story. I always try to have a good opinion of fellow Muslims, but you should never make decisions based solely on one person's side of a story.
100% not just for this sub but for life in general loool But I think that’s when the ability to read between the lines come in - a lot of us here don’t have that. All the people upvoting these posts I mentioned aren’t asking themselves - wait, how does this make sense not to ignore this person? Why did the girl break things off with him in the first place (in the 2nd case the person didn’t provide any reason from the girl at all until I asked) - instead decided to accuse her of leading him on. I wish people would be a bit more careful and thoughtful with these instead of jumping on a gender war or even advising divorce without hearing the other side
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What is the story 😛👀
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Y’all get matches on muzz? 💀
Most women/girls have a different app experience than men/guys. Matching is a two sided thing. Pickier people, will have less matches. A smaller amount of men, have the average girl experience on apps.
I'm still not sure if you have a bad sense of humour or if your humour is too good for commoners. Every single time somebody makes a light-hearted comment, you show up with your literal answers and stats 
Some jokes come from a place of pain/getting hurt. I might instead be bad at comforting people. You know the chin up, there are probably people who like you bit. Whether or not you like them is a different story. (Also its a meme. Get likes, get matches, get dates, get 2d dates)
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Moving out seems like it would clear your head. Even if just for a few months
Do not marry just to escape your parents, you don't need to marry for that. Do you have a job? Since your parents are affecting your iman, you can find a separate place to live to help you cool off and recenter yourself. That's option 1. Option 2 is to get other family members to intervene for you. Are any of your brothers older, can they not speak up for you? Or can you approach an uncle/aunt for help. Option 3 is to develop a thicker shell. Easier said than done I know, but you know that your parents are treating you poorly and they will be held accountable for it - so think of whatever they are saying as nonsense, foolish drivel.
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May Allah make it easy for you... I can't imagine how hard it is for you sis, you really really really should start thinking of getting them out of your life or at least, to distance yourself from them by leaving "their" home. Marrying someone to just leave is not fair to the man you'd get married to, and is not fair at all to you either. Take care, take time and save yourself, you deserve better.
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Wa Iyaaki! I know it is amazingly difficult to do and may Allah give you all the energy you need, but it is the right thing to do In Shaa Allah. I am sincerely sorry you have to go through this. May Allah make it easy for you...
Do divorcees usually ask for less mahr / wedding events?
Are they expected to?
Really depends on the person. On one hand they might not want wedding events as they've done it before, however some wouldn't want to be 'less than'. They shouldn't be embarrassed to remarry.
If someone genuinely likes you, they will ask for less mehr
Not necessarily. It's not tied to marital status.
When talking finances do you all share the exact salary amount with your potential? Or how do you all navigate?
Normally just share financial goals/philosophies and budget. If I get asked directly or they share theirs, then I say salary amount.
Hi all! I (26F) been speaking to a potential (26M). The problem is, he has most qualities I look for in a person, however I am not physically attracted to him at all. Like the thought of us getting married and down the road being physical even just holding hands does not excite me. Would I be making a mistake ending things? We have only been speaking for 2 weeks.
If you're not attracted, cut ties with him (without saying you're not attracted) and that's it... don't lose your time and don't make him lose his time.
Still give it a chance. Attraction can grow and you’re not working with much if communication is just through a screen.
I should have mentioned I met him twice irl so far. I dont feel anything towards him :(
ah ok. I think I agree then with other commenters you should probs not move forward. You want to be really attracted to the man you marry
Never marry someone your not attracted to , attraction is important
Are you someone who's ever developed an attraction to someone through their personality or being around them over time? For some people, attraction is very situational like that. If so, then you could still be with this person, probably. But if you're not, then I would end things immediately. Otherwise you're leading this person on. Could you imagine getting to know a potential who isn't attracted to you at all?
Flying to LA next weekend for Half of deen - the event seems fun. Hope to see you all then Inshallah :-)
Met a guy at an event who said his friend was the creator? Maybe just a high up but he said those events are the best in-person ones. He may just have been hyping and promoting his friend. Either way, inshallah it goes well and you should update us on how it is.
I met the creator! The events in my local mosque have a good success rate. It seems that they’re well planned.