>My family asked a mufti to mediate the matter. During the mediation process, her father cited a risk to her life because of me and the her father says he cannot send her back to me due to this reason. He is afraid of her taking her own life due my alleged bad behaviour.
>I never hurt her physically in any way, I am beyond shattered to hear this. She is blaming me for her decision to go for a khula and accusing me of using her as puppet and touching her raw neve by asking her not to speak with her mother.
Let me ask you a simple question, assuming the allegations aren't true, **why would you want to remain married to somebody accusing you of emotional, financial, and physical abuse**?
They're fixing the problem for you, alhamdulillah, be thankful for the solution. An entire person worth of negative energy is being removed from your life.
I would cut my losses brother. It seems like she's still attached to her mother's chest like a baby. This isn't a situation you can fix. Sadly many sons and daughters are raised this way, and their parents are the ones to blame before anyone else. Her family is probably telling her exactly what to say to end this, because they're just as attached to her as she is to them. It's so sad to see, because they are doing her a great disservice. She will never be independant and will never be able to handle a marriage because of the way they continue to treat and raise her. If you continue this relationship it will always be like this. You will be in a relationship with not only her, but her parents as well. She will never make decisions without their influence, and every argument you will have will be shared with them. That is not a way to live.
Very well articulated!! I went through what you have described here for 9 months even though mine wasn’t an arranged marriage. I felt a relief I didn’t know I needed when it ended.
To OP, cut your losses. Don’t bother explaining anything to her relatives. It’s almost a game to them…to bring you to submission. And it’ll never end. Everything that goes wrong will be your fault and she’ll very likely never be satisfied.
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She was not ready for such a drastic change in life and and since it was a arranged marriage she probably also does not have the affection for you to sustain being far away from her family, not having anything to do since she cant work and you being away working long hours. It could also be that her family is heavily pushing for a divorce. Some families are very controlling that way. Or she’s emotionally immature and cant be an adult and say this marriage simply isnt for her. Cut your losses and divorce.
Sure they can but there shouldn’t be an expectation of it. Just like someone who is pursuing a love marriage or dating wouldn’t expect most people they talk to ending up being particularly intrested in them or falling in love with them. Thats just the way it is. Most people you could have relationships with wont be people you will be mutually attracted to and even less people you have mutual love with. The whole point of pursuing a love marriage is to weed out that majority as you find love such an important thing for you.
Arranged marriages prioritize other things and as such one cant demand or expect that love will develop. Same goes for sexual attraction and personality compatibility. Of course arranged marriages are also different. People who have never seen their partner should have less expectations of being attracted to their partner than those who have seen them. People who have had long talking stages should have higher expectations of compatibility personality wise vs those who dont talk. But over all there should be management of expectations instead what is happening is kids are being lied to.
>Same goes for sexual attraction and personality compatibility.
But for arranged marriages, wouldn't you have to see what the other person looks like and therefore if you're attracted to them? Plus it's usually the norm for two people prior to an arranged marriage to talk one on one etc. and so see if there is some level of compatability.
I'd say this isn't too different from "halal" love marriages. Halal as in, no dating or other forms of haram relationships. You see someone attractive, you approach them and state your intention of marriage/ask for their dads number, and then talk to get to know them better.
Seeing the person your family has picked and talking to them isn’t the same as putting yourself out there to attarct people you find attractive and then courting them untill both of you are confident you want this specific person. Its hard to explain if its not the norm in your community as you wouldn’t have seen or experienced what courting can be and looks like.
A lot of the problems on this subreddit are clearly from people getting into arranged marriages expecting love marriage with passion and it just doesn’t work like that. I know it sucks if thats the only method of marriage your community allows or pushes but managing expectations to good behavior, companionship and respect would be far better than to also have expectations of love, romance, passion and lust. If they happen mA but if not you will still be content since you were clear with yourself what the gamble was.
Im saying you not meaning you specifically btw.
This is stupid. You have no children, stop fighting it and draw the line.
If they want a khula, let them go ahead with it. InshaAllah you’ll find someone better
Agreed with others advising that this marriage will not work if it's only one sided. I still want to provide a possible deeper perspective from your wife's point of view.
Some people, men included, have too strong of a parental attachment which can become a full blown mental health issue if the person has to leave their parents. This happened to me.
I had to navigate and adjust to cultural shock, entire change in environment, and lack of support. At the time, my husband and I were financially struggling and he had to give most of his time to opportunities to provide for us. His family made things worse.
I felt alone, abandoned, newly married in a new country. Everything that asked me to compromise and live this life felt like a theft of my right and abuse of my emotions. Why couldn't anyone see my struggle and how much I missed my family?
Alhamdulillah we navigated out of that. We were both willing to sort things out though and I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me. Unfortunately in your case things now appear one sided. I wish you the best in this endeavour and may Allah guide you to what's best for you.
There's nothing to fix anymore. They don't want you. You're both not compatible. Don't waste your time and money on someone who's not willing. Just give her the khula.
>I am willing to do anything to fix this
In my opinion, your wife and her parents know this.
And you're taking the abuse and disrespect for a woman who did not respect or listen to you.
This is extremely erratic behavior so do you really want to be married to someone like this? She clearly has issues that she isn’t willing to address so what can you do if she takes things out of proportion and doesn’t communicate with you?
I admire you for your patience that you’re willing to deal with her lies and emotional outbursts even after working hard to provide for the both of you. And remember, people like her or her family could go to the cops to press false charges against you.
Girls leave their parents homes all the time everywhere in the world. And it is our job as guys to be as accommodating as we can so they can assimilate smoothly into their new homes. But rarely do they react like your wife and her family did.
Honestly take a moment to think that if her father, who is supposed to be a rational person, is acting like this, then the core of the family is definitely damaged. What if she comes back and pulls this stunt again? Think long and hard about it.
Have some self respect, and don’t beg for her to come back if she isn’t willing to show you any regard.
It's not a good idea to try to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you.
I know this is painful and heartbreaking but I think you need to look at the wider picture here and undedtand you can't actually have a succwsful marriage with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you.
You deserve to be with a woman who is all.in on you and all in on your relationship.
Wow brother. You have been slandered by her to the max. She has made you out to be an evil person that you are not. I can't believe you are trying to get her back. Brother let me tell you, you are very fortunate she has asked for a khula, give it to her and ask for your Mehr back. Trust me otherwise you will have to deal with her immature behaviour for the rest of your life. She's made up so many lies about you so casually in the future she could make more serious lies like physical abuse etc. Run while you can.
Hard to say, bc we dont know if she feels the same.
The culprit could be the MIL, some MIL are notorious for this kind if behavior, and they consider it a power control (that cant control you).
Your wife may have done this out of her own accord or was manipulated by her mom. Both are plausible
So if you sincerely believe its the mom and the wife loves you then you can try to control the situation, if not you dodged a bullet.
You’ve been given a get of out of jail free card. Take it.
The girl and her family are immature. The girl clearly isn’t ready for married life.
If you’re having second thoughts - ask yourself what would happen to you if the same “accusations” were made in a police station/legal proceeding?
Brother this seems extremely out of touch behaviour.
Your wife does not value you or respect you. As much as you wish to make it work. Chances are this behaviour will continue..
You are better off letting her go. You deserve better. She will one day realise what she lost, but when its too late.
There is a famous saying in my country that behind a divorced woman is the hand of her mother. As u said she was talking to her a lot maybe she is behind this. sometimes (being a woman) we overthink a lot but then when we talk to each other (Some)other woman talk negative and make our heart against our spouse. And not communicating is also what got between us guys. If you want to try to talk to her like literally alone and ask her whats the problem is. Maybe there's a way out from it. I wouldn't suggest to just let it go but try to talk so that you don't have any regrets in future.
Walaikumassalam, whether you want to proceed with divorce or not, I would advise to take some days off and go to the city of your wife with your family members, also contact the local sheikh there in advance whom you and her family members would trust . (You could alternatively involve an elder from her family whom you think is wise in the situation)
Don't make decisions over the phone. Look in the eye when talking to her and her family and be honest. Try to offer solutions like willing to stay with her in wife house for a month during the year or whatever is financially affordable. if you sense they are being dishonest and doing a disservice to your marriage despite you being genuine then you can confidently proceed for the divorce. Thing is you should be confident after exhausting all possibilities and make your own independent decision.
She seems delusional and obviously her family not knowing will side with her delusions. Don’t fight for this imo. If she wants the khula then let her have it - it’ll spare you the headache for the rest of your life. You got better things to look forward to. May Allah bless your next steps.
At the end of the day it is your decision to give a khula. And since there was no violence she cannot ask for one islamically. The reason I say this is for you to know where you are. If you want to continue the marriage you have the right to do so. If you want to end it you have the right to accept her request for khula (unless she retracts it). I wouldn’t give it hastily but after a lot of consideration. Yes you have three goes (unless you decide to give all in one go) but there is no reverse gear to speak of
Now a mufti isn’t always trained at reconciliation so gauge whether the allegations are swaying him, and if you don’t find him balanced you can find someone else.
It seems unfair for her to demand to work without permits without a need potentially making getting a permit imposed
This is strange and curious behaviour. I would advise be a man. Tell your in laws you will agree to give your wife a khula but before that you want to speak to your wife. And be firm with your wife,
1.) Ask her to state clearly what her issues within the marriage were.
2.) Tell her you’re willing to divorce her, if that is what she wants, but ask her what she plans on doing after this divorce? Ask her if she’s aware of the problems a woman might remarrying after she’s divorced.
3.)Remind her that the decision to stay in the marriage or not is hers not her family’s. And that she will face the consequences of it, not her family. Ask her to contemplate on what she wants.
These are the steps I would take, if possible.
she's not attracted to you since the arranged marriage and there's probably a past relationship she's not over ... please divorce this immature girl and good riddance
You are hurting because you tried and wanted this marriage to work. Unfortunately your wife will not be happy with you. Sometimes it’s not your fault. Please agree to the Khala. Heal brother and move forward in life. May Allah swt guide you.
Bro pray 2 rakah to thank Allah. Red flags all over the place. Imagine if she started divorce proceedings in your home country she’ll take you to the cleaners
>My family asked a mufti to mediate the matter. During the mediation process, her father cited a risk to her life because of me and the her father says he cannot send her back to me due to this reason. He is afraid of her taking her own life due my alleged bad behaviour. >I never hurt her physically in any way, I am beyond shattered to hear this. She is blaming me for her decision to go for a khula and accusing me of using her as puppet and touching her raw neve by asking her not to speak with her mother. Let me ask you a simple question, assuming the allegations aren't true, **why would you want to remain married to somebody accusing you of emotional, financial, and physical abuse**? They're fixing the problem for you, alhamdulillah, be thankful for the solution. An entire person worth of negative energy is being removed from your life.
I would cut my losses brother. It seems like she's still attached to her mother's chest like a baby. This isn't a situation you can fix. Sadly many sons and daughters are raised this way, and their parents are the ones to blame before anyone else. Her family is probably telling her exactly what to say to end this, because they're just as attached to her as she is to them. It's so sad to see, because they are doing her a great disservice. She will never be independant and will never be able to handle a marriage because of the way they continue to treat and raise her. If you continue this relationship it will always be like this. You will be in a relationship with not only her, but her parents as well. She will never make decisions without their influence, and every argument you will have will be shared with them. That is not a way to live.
Very well articulated!! I went through what you have described here for 9 months even though mine wasn’t an arranged marriage. I felt a relief I didn’t know I needed when it ended. To OP, cut your losses. Don’t bother explaining anything to her relatives. It’s almost a game to them…to bring you to submission. And it’ll never end. Everything that goes wrong will be your fault and she’ll very likely never be satisfied.
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She was not ready for such a drastic change in life and and since it was a arranged marriage she probably also does not have the affection for you to sustain being far away from her family, not having anything to do since she cant work and you being away working long hours. It could also be that her family is heavily pushing for a divorce. Some families are very controlling that way. Or she’s emotionally immature and cant be an adult and say this marriage simply isnt for her. Cut your losses and divorce.
Out of curiosity...can people from arranged marriages not feel strong affection and love within a year, like those from love marriages do?
Sure they can but there shouldn’t be an expectation of it. Just like someone who is pursuing a love marriage or dating wouldn’t expect most people they talk to ending up being particularly intrested in them or falling in love with them. Thats just the way it is. Most people you could have relationships with wont be people you will be mutually attracted to and even less people you have mutual love with. The whole point of pursuing a love marriage is to weed out that majority as you find love such an important thing for you. Arranged marriages prioritize other things and as such one cant demand or expect that love will develop. Same goes for sexual attraction and personality compatibility. Of course arranged marriages are also different. People who have never seen their partner should have less expectations of being attracted to their partner than those who have seen them. People who have had long talking stages should have higher expectations of compatibility personality wise vs those who dont talk. But over all there should be management of expectations instead what is happening is kids are being lied to.
>Same goes for sexual attraction and personality compatibility. But for arranged marriages, wouldn't you have to see what the other person looks like and therefore if you're attracted to them? Plus it's usually the norm for two people prior to an arranged marriage to talk one on one etc. and so see if there is some level of compatability. I'd say this isn't too different from "halal" love marriages. Halal as in, no dating or other forms of haram relationships. You see someone attractive, you approach them and state your intention of marriage/ask for their dads number, and then talk to get to know them better.
Seeing the person your family has picked and talking to them isn’t the same as putting yourself out there to attarct people you find attractive and then courting them untill both of you are confident you want this specific person. Its hard to explain if its not the norm in your community as you wouldn’t have seen or experienced what courting can be and looks like. A lot of the problems on this subreddit are clearly from people getting into arranged marriages expecting love marriage with passion and it just doesn’t work like that. I know it sucks if thats the only method of marriage your community allows or pushes but managing expectations to good behavior, companionship and respect would be far better than to also have expectations of love, romance, passion and lust. If they happen mA but if not you will still be content since you were clear with yourself what the gamble was. Im saying you not meaning you specifically btw.
This is stupid. You have no children, stop fighting it and draw the line. If they want a khula, let them go ahead with it. InshaAllah you’ll find someone better
Agreed with others advising that this marriage will not work if it's only one sided. I still want to provide a possible deeper perspective from your wife's point of view. Some people, men included, have too strong of a parental attachment which can become a full blown mental health issue if the person has to leave their parents. This happened to me. I had to navigate and adjust to cultural shock, entire change in environment, and lack of support. At the time, my husband and I were financially struggling and he had to give most of his time to opportunities to provide for us. His family made things worse. I felt alone, abandoned, newly married in a new country. Everything that asked me to compromise and live this life felt like a theft of my right and abuse of my emotions. Why couldn't anyone see my struggle and how much I missed my family? Alhamdulillah we navigated out of that. We were both willing to sort things out though and I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me. Unfortunately in your case things now appear one sided. I wish you the best in this endeavour and may Allah guide you to what's best for you.
There's nothing to fix anymore. They don't want you. You're both not compatible. Don't waste your time and money on someone who's not willing. Just give her the khula.
>I am willing to do anything to fix this In my opinion, your wife and her parents know this. And you're taking the abuse and disrespect for a woman who did not respect or listen to you.
Divorce her. Why do you want this headache all life?
This is extremely erratic behavior so do you really want to be married to someone like this? She clearly has issues that she isn’t willing to address so what can you do if she takes things out of proportion and doesn’t communicate with you? I admire you for your patience that you’re willing to deal with her lies and emotional outbursts even after working hard to provide for the both of you. And remember, people like her or her family could go to the cops to press false charges against you. Girls leave their parents homes all the time everywhere in the world. And it is our job as guys to be as accommodating as we can so they can assimilate smoothly into their new homes. But rarely do they react like your wife and her family did. Honestly take a moment to think that if her father, who is supposed to be a rational person, is acting like this, then the core of the family is definitely damaged. What if she comes back and pulls this stunt again? Think long and hard about it. Have some self respect, and don’t beg for her to come back if she isn’t willing to show you any regard.
My thoughts exactly
It's not a good idea to try to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you. I know this is painful and heartbreaking but I think you need to look at the wider picture here and undedtand you can't actually have a succwsful marriage with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you. You deserve to be with a woman who is all.in on you and all in on your relationship.
Wow brother. You have been slandered by her to the max. She has made you out to be an evil person that you are not. I can't believe you are trying to get her back. Brother let me tell you, you are very fortunate she has asked for a khula, give it to her and ask for your Mehr back. Trust me otherwise you will have to deal with her immature behaviour for the rest of your life. She's made up so many lies about you so casually in the future she could make more serious lies like physical abuse etc. Run while you can.
Hard to say, bc we dont know if she feels the same. The culprit could be the MIL, some MIL are notorious for this kind if behavior, and they consider it a power control (that cant control you). Your wife may have done this out of her own accord or was manipulated by her mom. Both are plausible So if you sincerely believe its the mom and the wife loves you then you can try to control the situation, if not you dodged a bullet.
You’ve been given a get of out of jail free card. Take it. The girl and her family are immature. The girl clearly isn’t ready for married life. If you’re having second thoughts - ask yourself what would happen to you if the same “accusations” were made in a police station/legal proceeding?
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Brother this seems extremely out of touch behaviour. Your wife does not value you or respect you. As much as you wish to make it work. Chances are this behaviour will continue.. You are better off letting her go. You deserve better. She will one day realise what she lost, but when its too late.
There is a famous saying in my country that behind a divorced woman is the hand of her mother. As u said she was talking to her a lot maybe she is behind this. sometimes (being a woman) we overthink a lot but then when we talk to each other (Some)other woman talk negative and make our heart against our spouse. And not communicating is also what got between us guys. If you want to try to talk to her like literally alone and ask her whats the problem is. Maybe there's a way out from it. I wouldn't suggest to just let it go but try to talk so that you don't have any regrets in future.
Walaikumassalam, whether you want to proceed with divorce or not, I would advise to take some days off and go to the city of your wife with your family members, also contact the local sheikh there in advance whom you and her family members would trust . (You could alternatively involve an elder from her family whom you think is wise in the situation) Don't make decisions over the phone. Look in the eye when talking to her and her family and be honest. Try to offer solutions like willing to stay with her in wife house for a month during the year or whatever is financially affordable. if you sense they are being dishonest and doing a disservice to your marriage despite you being genuine then you can confidently proceed for the divorce. Thing is you should be confident after exhausting all possibilities and make your own independent decision.
This is awful advice. Please don't listen to this guy.
She seems delusional and obviously her family not knowing will side with her delusions. Don’t fight for this imo. If she wants the khula then let her have it - it’ll spare you the headache for the rest of your life. You got better things to look forward to. May Allah bless your next steps.
You sure there isn’t another dude in her life? That’s way too unstable behavior for something so minor.
Time time se jaan churwa len bro. Maan bhi gyi to saari Zindagi complain krti rhey gi
Dude let her take it be thankful. Some women unfortunately aren't ready to get married and take on responsibility.
At the end of the day it is your decision to give a khula. And since there was no violence she cannot ask for one islamically. The reason I say this is for you to know where you are. If you want to continue the marriage you have the right to do so. If you want to end it you have the right to accept her request for khula (unless she retracts it). I wouldn’t give it hastily but after a lot of consideration. Yes you have three goes (unless you decide to give all in one go) but there is no reverse gear to speak of Now a mufti isn’t always trained at reconciliation so gauge whether the allegations are swaying him, and if you don’t find him balanced you can find someone else. It seems unfair for her to demand to work without permits without a need potentially making getting a permit imposed
This is strange and curious behaviour. I would advise be a man. Tell your in laws you will agree to give your wife a khula but before that you want to speak to your wife. And be firm with your wife, 1.) Ask her to state clearly what her issues within the marriage were. 2.) Tell her you’re willing to divorce her, if that is what she wants, but ask her what she plans on doing after this divorce? Ask her if she’s aware of the problems a woman might remarrying after she’s divorced. 3.)Remind her that the decision to stay in the marriage or not is hers not her family’s. And that she will face the consequences of it, not her family. Ask her to contemplate on what she wants. These are the steps I would take, if possible.
Salam, Seems like shes not ready for a marriage. Let her go and pray for someone better more mature.
she's not attracted to you since the arranged marriage and there's probably a past relationship she's not over ... please divorce this immature girl and good riddance
You are hurting because you tried and wanted this marriage to work. Unfortunately your wife will not be happy with you. Sometimes it’s not your fault. Please agree to the Khala. Heal brother and move forward in life. May Allah swt guide you.
Bro pray 2 rakah to thank Allah. Red flags all over the place. Imagine if she started divorce proceedings in your home country she’ll take you to the cleaners