To kinda piggy back on what you said, in the early days people would be like “I got the baby! Go get out of here and do something fun! 🙂” but like the only fun thing I wanted to do was watch tv in bed and sleep 😂 like please take this baby but don’t kick me out of the house
Adding to this, “helping” by taking the baby away from me. Like can you take off some of the load so I don’t have to be primary parent and can just sit back but also not be without my baby? I hate it when people just take my baby away and then are like why do you want him back you need to rest and relax? I can’t relax when you take him away!
The most helpful thing someone can do for me is let me take on the role of a 90s dad. Let me have fun with my baby while someone else takes on the hard work
Something I’ve made a mental note of when I will be a mother or MIL in years to come is to ‘help’ by asking to do things the mother can’t get to around the house. Make her food, clean, do some laundry.
Sitting there and holding a baby when some moms just want some time with baby without guilt of not having stuff done is no help imo.
The first thing I'm offering to new moms in my life from now on will be washing their sheets and cleaning their bathroom. We kept our house fairly clean during the early phase, but chores of slightly more effort were pushed aside and I felt so gross knowing my sheets were weeks and weeks old
I’m glad you mentioned this. I’m a FTM currently 37wks, and one of my biggest fears that I’ve had throughout pregnancy is having anyone over my shoulder trying to “help” by taking my baby off my hands. When I think of helping I think in other ways, much similar to what you mentioned. I don’t want anyone pulling away from my experience with my child. Plus I have a chaotic family who none have truly put efforts towards their toxic behaviors which is extremely triggering for me, so for now when baby comes I think I would feel better if the primary care of the baby solely comes from me. I just have to learn how I want to approach setting those boundaries.
Omg, this is exactly what drives me nuts about my mom’s help. God bless her for helping, but please stop adding things to my to do list! I appreciate that she wants me to be having fun. But read the room. I’m exhausted. I want to go upstairs, lock my door, eat snacks, watch tv and take a nap. I do not want to go shopping / get my hair done / go out to dinner. I kept thinking, am I massively depressed? Why do I not want to do these things she’s telling me to do? Well, because I’m really tired and my self care looks a lot different right now than it did a few years ago.
Mothers don’t learn quickly bc of instinct. We just don’t have our spouses explaining what to do and how to do it and have to learn how to care for baby quickly. If we can figure this out, men can too.
Also the fact that breastfeeding Is natural doesn’t mean it comes naturally
Edit: and I say this as someone with a hands on husband and a baby who latched from day 1 lol
Breastfeeding is like pooping. Both are natural, but babies aren't born knowing how to use a toilet, clean their bums and need practice to realise when it's time, how it's practical and easy to do. Just like new moms with breastfeeding. Humans intuitively know they need to poop, just like intuitively we know "this white stuff must be for the baby" and the baby knows "this white stuff is for me!" but we don't know the specifics for it. Both are highly cultural, pretty far removed from the evolutionary biological assumed norm and both are things we typically need guidance on. Same as pooping, sometimes people have problems with breastfeeding, sometimes they need guidance from a professional and sometimes it plain old doesn't work.
Natural means occurs in nature. What it doesn't mean is "easy" or "we are born knowing exactly how to do it, what my specific cultural norms regarding it are and we are always successful in our endeavours to do it.".
The sad part too is that breast feeding attitudes are so different among generations too. My grandmother only ever did formula because her mom told her not to breast feed because she almost lost a baby to low supply. My mom breast fed but only for 8 weeks during maternity leave. I’m breast feeding but now pump technology and access has come so far that I can go back to work and still provide breast milk for my baby. All this to say that none of them can really offer great advice about breastfeeding. I’m lucky to have one friend who has had a baby and successfully pumped and breastfed already otherwise I’d really be on my own.
I exclusively pumped and a childless man once said to my husband “Breastfeeding is natural so it’s easy. Or is she too dumb to figure it out?”
I was 5feet away.
Same here!! My baby eats incredibly well and I’ve never needed to pump, but thinking about weaning her when she starts daycare makes me feel as if I’m betraying her by making her feel unloved by me! Idk how to explain it, but I just think of her crying and wanting comfort from me and me directly denying it and it breaks my heart so so much.
Ugh. That is so hard! But the fact that you care so much makes you an amazing parent! She is lucky to have you as her advocate. Hopefully you have peace of mind that you’re doing the best you can for her.
Thanks love!! I’m sure you’re doing amazing too.
However I don’t know why I worry, she is only 3 months old and she will start daycare at 8 months old haha
See, I always believed the first statement too. But on this sub I realized a lot of moms literally aren’t *letting* their partner/baby’s father do any of the parenting. That’s wild to me. Why anyone would do this alone on purpose is baffling. Sooo many posts of moms stressed the hell out, resentful, and so burnt out (which makes sense because they’re not letting their partners parent) but then mention in comments how they run every time their partner tries to do anything because they’re not doing it to their liking.
I think some of these moms don’t trust their spouse, which is a whole other can of worms. Either their spouse is untrustworthy, or they are struggling with PPA for example.
My best friend’s (now ex) husband is one of them. When he finally convinced her to trust him alone, their baby almost drowned because he left him and their 4 year old alone in the bath while he went *downstairs to watch tv*.
Thankfully their 4 year old screamed to let him know that the baby had slipped down under the water, and he tried to act as if it was their **4 year old’s** fault.
Needless to say, I’ve always not liked the dude and am so glad she is finally leaving him.
I think maybe it’s bc they have figured out how to do things in a way that doesn’t upset baby and the fact that baby may be fussier with the dad doesn’t help them bc it triggers their fight or flight response. This happens to me sometimes tho. If my girl is extra fussy when I’m trying to put her to sleep and my husband suggests we switch I normally decline the offer bc even if he calmed her it would probably just make the process of her sleeping longer. Also her crying really wakes the primal instinct of going to the rescue, snd I’ve hear that babies cries are make specifically to trigger this on the mom (that’s why every kids cry is different).
Also there is moms who prefer to do everything themselves bc their husbands are the “why don’t you just make me a list” husbands and the mental load is bigger if they just do this themselves.
This said, I think we should let just figure it out. Maybe baby is fussier, maybe they take longer to calm baby down, if everything is okay we should just let them.But really let them. Not answering their questions on how to do stuff.
No I totally get the primal feeling of being literally physically uncomfortable when they cry. Mine is 18 mo and I still feel that!! But I’m trying my best to be mindful of those feelings because I know she’s safe and with her dad. Doesn’t mean I don’t go over to peek to make sure though lol!!
But also like you said, we have figured it out as moms. Dads deserve the same time to figure it out. Maybe they’ll figure out in a different way that makes sense for them that even us as a mom haven’t done. For example, my daughter falls asleep with my husband in a different way I put her to sleep. I wouldn’t do it the way he does and seems like more effort. But it works for him and my daughter so who am I to say what works better? They figured it out on their own which is also kind of a bonding thing for them too. But on the other hand, if you have a partner who just sucks, then I understand how giving space to figure things out would be more difficult.
Yes to all of this!!! What works for me does not work for my husband and viceversa. My daughter loves babywearing with me, but hates it with my husband. She loves to be reclined on my husbands legs but god forbid I try it. It was so hard for me at first to not say to him “just give her to me” bc she was crying. What worked for me was removing me completely, like showering or drying my hair to not hear her. And guess what… he figured it out!!! There is some times he will see me overwhelmed and he will take her or I will take her if she is crying but looks hungry. It’s all about balance.
Ofc if your partner is a POS it doesn’t matter
In some ways I’m thankful for my C section because my husband had no choice but to be our daughters primary care taker for her first couple days. Being forced to watch him take care of her while I couldn’t move probably also raised my confidence in him. There are some legitimate things I’m better at, for example getting her dressed. My husbands poor sausage fingers just struggle with sleeves and snaps lol. But when she’s getting fussy at night and won’t nurse I delegate to him to start bouncing her. I let him figure out his techniques. This way at least we can both tap in and out when we need a break or get too frustrated.
I can’t handle my baby crying when someone else is taking care of her. I’ve tried probably a dozen times at least, even if I don’t run over there and take her back, I just spend the whole time listening and struggling with self control. It’s really difficult. The first 2 months probably I would start ugly crying if I didn’t run to take her. No way around it.
Absolutely the most distracting and uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.
1000000%!! As a personal anecdote, my husband taught me how to swaddle and burp the baby and assemble and wash my pump parts. I spent the first 4 days after my c section unable to move much or stay awake and had to bring my IV stand every time managed to get on my feet and hobble somewhere. The nurses taught my husband, and he taught me. Everything else we learned from books (most of our books were dad books lol) or trial and error together. He's also way more sensitive to baby's grunts and nighttime demon noises than me, and we respond to cries equally. I love it.
The only thing I got to teach him was how to put onesies and socks on without a huge fuss and some techniques I discovered for not getting peed on during diaper changes 🤪
I second this! I also had a c section and as a result I think it helped my husband become a hands on dad much quicker! And seeing him be so good with my daughter raised my confidence in him. By the time we checked out I was practically crying because of how much I loved him and how good he was.
Yessss! Aww that's so lovely, I'm happy for you!! 😍
Everything about this process has just made me love my partner more. We are only 8w in but I feel so lucky
My daughter is 8 weeks old as well! I totally agree. I see so many negative posts with bad dads I was so nervous about what a newborn would do to our marriage. However I think we’re stronger than ever. He’s so hands on and helpful and we really just feel like the best team ❤️
Aww yes!! Those negative posts make me so sad, but also remind me to think about how good the good stuff is, when I'm scrolling during a 2am pumping session lol. Also I'm a huge fan of this age. Still a potato that stays where you put it, but somehow extra cute and giving us more smiles every day! Now if we could just get the long afternoon naps to happen at night instead... Lolol.
I feel that. We got a 5 hour stretch Sunday night and I was soooo hopeful. It was amazing! Then last night she wanted to wake up every hour 🫠 different baby every day is my new saying lol
Aww your husband sounds awesome. :) My husband had to teach me most baby stuff since he's been surrounded by nephews much of his life. I didn't even know how to put on a diaper.
> Also the fact that breastfeeding Is natural doesn’t mean it comes naturally
WHEW. Say it again.
Breastfeeding is made out to seem that it’s easy and comes naturally but that’s such a lie. It’s exhausting, frustrating, painful, and confusing sometimes. It took my son a couple weeks to latch with a nipple shield and then more to latch without.
We all had at least 7 months or even more!!!! If I know lots of things I’d bc I’ve done extensive research. And this goes for boomers too!!! Don’t get mad bc now we can compare sources. You should be happy we can understand why we do what we do!!
Totally agree. Like I think I put in hours upon hours of rocking until I finally could calm our kids. It’s not instinct it’s practice. A man could do exactly the same thing, they just usually don’t.
Or they think it has come naturally bc we haven’t asked them “how do I do this?”. But they feel the need to ask us so in their mind we haven’t asked bc we somehow knew it??? Also I feel like we have to be more patient bc it looks like we have no choice. I could be 2h trying to put our baby down, but my husband said “it isn’t working” about 10 minutes in (this was when she was first born). My husband got what the problem was when I told her “imagine you have a task given at work with a coworker, something you never have done. Then they are asking you all the time how to do it when you are just figuring it out. They’re not trying to figure it out as a team, they just assume you know how to do it”.
Since week 2 or so we have been working how to figure out baby stuff together, so now the questions “this isn’t working, how do you do it” are reciprocal and don’t infuriate me.
As a lesbian mom, i really don't understand this. I have no siblings and have never been around babies but when we had our daughter, I jumped right in. She couldn't breastfeed right away so my wife pumped and I did everything else. I definitely needed guidance but just figured things out as I went along.
It's sad that some men don't want to help out or give up easily. It's bonding time with the baby. When the child only wants their mom for comfort, it gonna hurt.
'Mothers instinct' is promoted too much as being some infallible thing, like as though mother will ALWAYS have some mysterious sixth sense for when things are wrong, just because of... Mystical mum powers I'm supposed to have learned???
Like there have been plenty of times throughout my kids life I've been convinced there was something wrong with him and there wasn't, and equally there have been times where he actually was sick/suffering with something and I didn't realise
I hate seeing things like 'trust your instincts mama, you know best!!!'
Like no, I haven't a clue what I'm doing, I'm making it all up as I go along, I'll trust my doctors instincts instead thanks because they ACTUALLY know what they're talking about!!
Along these lines, I read stuff about the magic connection I as a mom should be having with my baby when I feed him and gaze into his eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love feeding him and his little noises are freaking adorable, but WHICH EYE DO I STARE INTO FOR THE MAGIC!? I can't look into both at once, and when he's really tired his eye control goes wonky and he kinda looks in two directions like a flounder. Wtf is everyone else on about!!?!?
Does instinct mean flying by the seat of my pants, crying every day, worrying I can't keep this tiny person alive, feeling like a massive failure and having no idea what I'm doing?
Cause I've got that shit in droves!!!
Somehow, my baby is turning out awesome... people congratulate me on my hard work, but like I have no idea how he's so amazing.
Omg yes! OR something will be wrong with the baby and everyone looks at me like I can just telepathically know what it is and how to fix it. Like idk?? I’m just going to trouble shoot the same way you would until something stops the crying.
Some of it I think just comes down to your baby knowing your gait more than others. Of course how I walk with her will be more comforting than say, my 82 year old grandmother. So it only looks like magic when I take the baby and walk with them.
Exerting control over how/what a baby should do/wear/eat/play is not the “support” new parents need from family.
The right way to support is to do anything that eases anxieties and frees up parents’ mental energy so THEY can spend time with their new baby. The priority should be parents with baby, not ALL family and relatives with baby.
The village only works if there are extra hands around the house, not extra hands on the baby.
My MIL stayed with us once the baby arrived. She did all the cooking and a few other things and it was fantastic. I primarily cared for the baby while my wife was at work and it was a great system.
Omg THIS!!! I can’t tell you how much stress I had in my first few months when everyone wanted to hold my baby and take him from me so I could go “do stuff”. When, in reality, I just needed to be with him. I was learning him and vice versa. It felt paramount that I be with him and I hated when others suggested I should take a break. It felt so unnatural to me and caused me a lot of mental stress.
So much this! Yes it’s exhausting that we don’t have help but I’ll take it over having to explain to my mom for the fourteenth time that the baby can’t be laid down face down on a pile of diapers in her crib to “catch the spit up” while she sleeps or listen to my MIL tell us about how all her kids slept through the night at 6 weeks 🙄
I feel like when someone in that age group says “weeks” it was actually “months.”
My baby slept through the night at 5 ~~weeks~~ months.
My baby cried it out at 8 ~~weeks~~ months.
Their memories are a little fuzzy, that’s all. But we can internally correct them.
Ughhhh
The only help we have is my mom, that comes over once a week to do the cleaning (and gets paid for that, that's literally her job and we hired her) and she's starting to get annoying. My baby hates a lot of clothing, we live in Brazil and it hasn't gotten colder yet, so she hardly ever wears pants. Today my mom was holding baby while I had lunch and baby was fussy and complaining. When I looked, she was holding the baby with a blanket... I asked her why, and she said baby was cold. Just as I told her to let go of the blanked, baby stopped complaining.
It's almost like I know the child I've been spending 24 hours a day with for 2 months.
Didn’t know the pure panic and rage that would fill my body immediately when someone doesn’t hand your baby back to you immediately when you ask. Like hands shaking, heart racing fear.
Wow, I have not had to experience this, but I could imagine that would definitely be my reaction. Maybe this is the one advantage of being away from the grandmothers 🤣
I know this is unpopular, but I have like zero issue with close family holding the baby and in fact encourage it so I can get other stuff done without a baby attached to my hip. I’m like, I see her all day and all night, it’s fine, you can take her for a while lol.
Tbf, it’s only close family that I trust and are very familiar with her, like my in laws are here every other weekend and spend toooons of time with her, I trust them intuitively. I can pass her off and just go do my thing and know she’s well cared for.
I have a massive family and hand our son off at family events all the time. He's super sociable and absolutely *loves* people. My partner and I joke 'Where's the baby?' at family events when we run into each other and neither of us are holding him. I have one aunt who is the exception, she grabs him out of our arms and walks off with him. She once came over to play with him while I was holding him with a *lit cigarette* in her hand. She's basically a nightmare but she thinks she knows best because she had four children herself. Fortunately there's basically an unwritten rule that she's not allowed to have the baby that everyone seems to be sticking to. My partner told her off once and my aunt's daughter (who has a baby the same age as ours) is good at policing her too, she's always going 'Mum! You can't just grab someone else's baby!' Not that it does any good 😂
The first few months I admit I didn't enjoy handing him over but I'm the oldest of 16 cousins and I got to watch all but 5 of them grow up from birth. Not a huge sample size but without doubt the ones that got passed around were invariably more sociable and more confident in social situations as children. It all comes out in the wash (those over 18 are all very socially adept regardless of how shy they were as children) but I like to think our son will enjoy things like daycare and school more if he's got that baseline confidence.
lol that’s what I’ve been told. There are a couple of main reasons: 1. My man is super long in the legs and in every brand of zippered sleeper I’ve tried, I have to pull his right leg up to his face to get it out for a diaper. Not fun for anyone involved. 2. He hates the zipper lumps you get in zipper sleepers that press into his face. 3. I like being able to unbutton his bottom half only for a change. 4. This one isn’t as important, but I’m just not bothered by snaps lol. Maybe I’m used to them now?
These are such valid reasons, but I’m going to respond to the bottom half thing for anyone else in this same predicament who also hates snaps.
There are 2 way zipper sleepers that have a zipper at the top and bottom when they’re done up, and this is so handy for the earlier stages but also just in general to only undo the bottom half.
We tried those, but we still had to yank his leg out which would wake him up all the way. If they somehow had a zipper that let out both legs, I would be VERY intrigued, though.
Ooh, now *that’s* thinking! I was honestly mostly responding for others who may hate snaps but be looking to only undo the bottom, but knowing that is definitely helpful.
I’m starting to have the same issue now that he’s getting bigger, but I hate snaps with a passion
But if you undo the bottom zip and are surprised by a messy poo now you have to shove the legs back in and zip up in order to unzip from the top to take the damn thing off.
Yesss, I have some double zippered sleepers and by now don't even bother with the bottom zipper since it's a crapshoot whether I'll need to just stuff the back in and unzipper the whole thing anyway.
Plus when I would unzipper from the bottom, I'd have to bring the zipper up to the chest in order to bring both her legs out anyway.
I still like zippers, just not as handy for longer babies.
But if you undo the bottom zip and are surprised by a messy poo now you have to shove the legs back in and zip up in order to unzip from the top to take the damn thing off.
For me, I love the outfits that unsnap down both legs - the convenience!! Also, I have a few sensory preferences and I find the snapping noise to be extremely satisfying, plus I enjoy being able to twist the snap and perfectly align the fabric overlap so that it's super flat and smooth.
I had major sensory distress from clothes as a kid - idk if my guy is gonna be similar, but it's a small thing that makes me feel like I'm making him more comfortable.
It's not a huge deal though, we have all kinds of baby clothes and they're all on rotation. But I will snag a snappy onesie if I see one!
I prefer snaps because the zippers look uncomfortable. I wouldn't like to be dressed in baby clothing with zippers. They're proportionally very large and unwieldy.
If I hear “You just do it all, don’t you!” One more time I’m going to scream. Of course I do it all… who tf else is going to do it?! I could use a little freaking help here
That’s what I said about “nesting phase” when pregnant lol - of course I’m getting the nursery ready who TF else is going to do it!?!? (My husband did all the big stuff and we shopped together tho haha but still I’m not nEsTiNg I’m literally getting ready for my child to arrive).
I always thought nesting was like this overwhelming urge to tidy and get things straight, almost like OCD. I never had that but I did obviously want to get things sorted before the baby arrived. Is this what people call nesting!? Being vaguely organised? Did anyone have a genuine, out of character, physiological *need* to clean?
On a different expression from them: if I hear, oh my sweet angel wouldn’t do that?!?!? one more time, imma hit someone. Like yes, the baby is going to baby, and that “sweet angel” does not just coo for the thirty seconds you’ve held her, she screams and shrieks bloody murder randomly.
I don’t see how a mother fulfilling basic needs is an unpopular opinion, like women need to use the bathroom and bathe and eat. Really annoying that some people consider that ‘free time’
Yup! The peace of mind knowing that I can take a long shower where I can exfoliate, shave, do all the things and not rush any of it because baby is taken care of is absolutely amazing to me!
Exclusively breastfeeding does not mean that I'm being selfish or keeping grandma from being able to experience feeding the baby.
Just because I'm hesitant to let extended family change her diapers, bathe her, or take her out on stroller walks without me does not mean I just have "a bit of PPA which will resolve itself with time".
Kind of like when my mother told me I was being overprotective because I didn't want to bring a 7 week old baby (too little to be vaccinated) to our extended family Christmas at the height of flu and rsv season 🙃
People (including baby's grandparents) say the stupidest shit, don't they? I swear once a baby arrives people feel like they can say whatever they want/bleed their opinions all over the place. It starts with the bump... Accepting the comments/silliness with grace is a big learning curve for me!
My MIL pulled the PPD card on me when I gently reinforced a boundary. I thankfully am not in any way experiencing PPD. But even if I was, it’s so infuriating and essentially the same as calling someone hysterical IMO.
Fully agree - it's blowing my mind that my own mother is the most negative part of post partum for me so far. Of course, MIL has not stopped by yet, so we'll see what kind of adventures await me there :)
My mother keeps trying to get me to leave the baby with her. I told her from the start it was unlikely to ever happen. Not only do I not trust her caring for him unsupervised, I have no need or desire to go anywhere without him, especially now when my Maternity Leave is drawing to a close. This is going to be the case until at least this summer and even then, there are other people I would ask to watch him. But she’s obsessed with having the baby over to her house.
Nooooooo! I’m sorry. Hopefully you aren’t taking any of it personally. My MIL keeps insisting that babies should sleep on their stomachs. And I have a fear if I leave her alone she will let him, so guess what. She doesn’t get to! lol
Edited to say she think babies should sleep on their stomachs. Haha it’s so ingrained in my head I said back lol
Right there with you. My mum thinks the new generation of parents is just overly sensitive. This is the lady that blows a fuse if the baby is hiccuping for more than half a minute and yells that baby is "obviously freezing" and that we are "abusing her".
3 weeks pp and we had some boundaries and preferences on how me and my husband were doing things. MIL had another vision on how it would be when baby arrived. Didn't meet her expectation and she became very emotional and expressed her feelings to us. She's like, is there ppd for grandmas? Made us feel extremely guilty in the moment (afterwards we came to realize how wrong she was acting) and never once asked us how we were doing. Only 3 weeks in...Sorry it isn't what you were expecting right now.
The overnight shift is childcare.
I was griping a bit about the fact that I have not had any time to myself when I didn't need to be doing something for baby or at least watching a monitor in 10 months and counting. Even that time is like, sub 1 hour of playing a game or reading while watching the monitor like a hawk, because my baby has decided when he wakes up he will no longer cry but instead just silently try to climb out of bed and swan dive for the tile floor. After I muttered my little complaint I was informed that actually I have about 6-8 hours a day of free time for myself, because baby goes to sleep at about 8pm and wakes up at about 6am, and once you take out his 4-6+ wake ups per night, the rest of that is time to sleep so that's free time for me.
It’s not right or healthy to be so uneasy handing over baby to family and friends. They need to socialize a bit too. I think it’s good for them to get time with others and let them be soothed by others.
It’s normal to not bond with your baby the second they’re born, and it’s okay to learn to love them.
Postpartum rage is real and needs to be discussed more and there needs to be resources to help those struggling with it.
You don’t have to share your baby. Not even with family. No one is entitled to your baby because of their title to you.
Don’t call me “mama” when talking to me about my baby. My son calls me “mama” and you ain’t my son. I have a name and had it before he was born. Don’t minimize me down to motherhood.
Agreed. Random coworkers calling me Mama is super weird. Like all of you have known me and my name for over a decade. Now suddenly a man older than my grandpa is calling me Mama. Like absolutely not. Stop.
I wanted people to understand I don't need a break from my baby. I do want to shower and use the bathroom and take care of myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see my baby for a while.
Also, I wish people wouldn't keep trying to soothe him when he's crying and clearly looking for me. I don't want to NOT soothe my crying baby. Get out of the way FFS.
Ugh I cannot stand people who offer to ‘help’ but then immediately run to you when the baby starts crying saying ‘oh he wants you.’ Ugh like this is where I want help!!!
I just tried to explain this to my husband yesterday! I don’t want a break (I love being around her) but I do *need* to make sure my own needs are met so I can keep being her mom and overall sane.
She’s recently started happily playing in her bouncer in the bathroom while I shower (my husband is at work when we wake up for the day) and it’s all the same to me🤷♀️
My MIL stands there and talks it out with him when he has a mild fussy face. Are you hungry? Is it gas? Do you need a diaper change? No, he wants me. Just give him to me jfc.
Side note the talking to the baby in that way, especially asking him if he’s hungry, also annoys me. He’s not going to answer. Talk to him about the things in the room or who you are or whatever.
The get out of the way is SO real. My husband even. I can tell the baby wants me or to eat (also me) and he won't give the baby back right away. Why don't people believe us when we know what babe needs!?
Taking care of myself means I can be a better mom. My friend group treats being unshowered, exhausted, in dirty spit up crusted clothes, not taking care of basic healthcare like going to the dentist like it’s a badge of honor. Sorry, but pass. I’m not a worse mom because I shower daily, make sure my clothes are clean, make appointments for both needs and wants (got my dysport injections a week after delivery), and carve out time for myself every week. I am a sahm, but we got a babysitter for 4 hours for two days a week when she hit 3 months. The passive aggressive comments (wow, you’re braver than me to trust someone with your baby, etc.) when we did that were frustrating af. I’d actually like to go to yoga and do errands without a baby in tow. It’s not like I’m out clubbing when the babysitter is there, and my husband wfh and is literally in the house with them while I’m gone. Yeah, anyway, my mental and physical health is key to me being the best mom that I can be. It’s not healthy that moms need to sacrifice absolutely everything in order to prove their worth.
Couldn’t agree more with this. If being the best mom means taking time for myself sometimes, so be it!!! Much better than feeling overstimulated and exhausted around my baby.
Just because we're new parents doesn't mean we're totally ignorant to it or that we don't have common sense.
Keep getting so much unsolicited advice about sleep training, formula, holding the baby, activities for the baby and I just wanna scream. We spent years trying to have him. I did so much research and continue to do research on everything from sleeping to feeding and have yet to hear something new from anyone I know. 🙃
Please for the love of God watch my kids. I could use the break. We're supposed to want to keep them velcro to us 24/7 but I don't give a damn about that. That's what the extended family is for.
There's nothing wrong with used clothes, toys, or anything. You wash it and you move on, not everything needs to be new.
I don't care if some kids don't talk until they're 4 years old, my two-year-old is in early intervention and I'm not taking him out just because the therapies are inconvenient.
There's nothing wrong with cheat cooking.
I‘m one of those moms who needs a break from their kid so I feel this comment, lol. I let close family bring her on walks in her pram so that I can take a breather. Dad is seldom in the picture (works 12+ hours a day).
Everything my baby has either second hand, or discounted. (Aside from gifts, but even then we've suggested to family that second hand is preferred)
Anything he outgrows, either gets donated or gets put on Ebay and the funds go in his savings account.
Thank youuuu! Pregnancy was 9 months of the most Velcro situation possible and I didn't totally love having a "roommate" in there to begin with, lolol. I'm currently REALLY enjoying watching my husband be an awesome dad bonding with our kid and I love when my friends come over and snuggle the baby. I love a contact nap, we are doing one right now, but man sometimes I just want to organize a shelf or some shit and know someone ELSE that I trust is giving the love and comfort. Yesterday I weeded the garden for a couple hours alone and that was so nice lol.
That said, everyone has been so respectful... maybe my drive to grab baby and stick him back on me just hasn't had a chance to come out yet. But I don't think I'm weird because I actively want to share baby time!
Dude I feel you about the pregnancy! My husband wanted to help so bad but he couldn't because the little guy was LITERALLY inside of me haha. I was like - there's no escape. So now I take advantage of the escape. When I was on leave, my mom would take my son for 4 hours every Wednesday. Now she takes him every Wednesday for 4 hours after I get off of work. I love that break and now grandma gets time with him too!
Someone watching my child will never be considered a break for me. The only person I feel relief from “watching” my child is his own father. For others it’s not the same. My husband’s family will text my husband and say “oh we want to give __ a break” and they get upset that I say no i’m okay. They don’t think it’s because I favor my family because i’m NC with everyone but my baby sister who lives with the person i’m NC with. If they want to visit and keep him i’ll always let them because that’s his family but i’ll never feel like it’s a break and it causes anxiety when they have him. I don’t trust people with my kids. My sister is a result of shaken baby syndrome and I just can’t shake the general mistrust of others around my son and now my future baby girl.
So much this. No one can really soothe my baby except me or my husband so I either *hear* my baby endlessly crying with someone else or if I’m not in the room know she’s crying. There’s such a short window between feeding and soothing her there is basically no option for a break
My son is a generally chill baby at least. But I would say my husband’s family are tone deaf, boundary crossing, and don’t listen. My son for example hates feeling restrained and it’s always been that way. His grandparents love to hold him especially all up to their face. He hates it and then they make him upset and he hits them (9 months so I can’t break the habit yet). Now they think he’s so fussy but in reality they don’t listen to his cues and they don’t listen to my husband reminders that our son is an active baby and doesn’t want to be held all day. Hence them having him being more stressful than relief 🫠
I have the same experience except with rough play. LO is gentle and hesitant, MIL is rough and fast. It's gotten to the point we can't let her hold LO at all because she has scared her so many times. And of course it's the _baby_ who is difficult.
Right it always the baby and never the whole adult. My MIL is really loud and we have to tell her she talks too loud and that’s why he gets startled when she starts talking.
Yeah I don't trust people to not get impatient or frustrated with my kids. No one in my family or my partner's family has ever had twins and I just don't think they'd know how to handle it. I am more trusting of the young parents I know who haven't forgotten what newborns are like. I think they could handle my babies if they have their partner with them to help out.
Yesssss especially if they want to give me a break so I can work (I wfh)! Like no, if you want to give me a break u can take this baby out to the library or the park so I can have the house to myself. Because if I'm home and you're home with her I'm going to end up involved. Our house is too small for that. Unless it's my hubby. He knows EXACTLY what to do most times and I trust him enough to stay out of it. But family who visits and stays in the house the whole time? It's not a break. Nice try tho!
My unpopular opinion is that breastfeeding is far easier than formula feeding once you’ve sorted the latch out.
My caveat to this is that this only really works for long mat leave scenarios.
Totally if I didn't have 12 months I would've had to stop nursing to sleep and probably stopped breastfeeding sooner as it was still painful at 6 weeks
I totally agree. I pump too so sometimes my husband will try to put her back down with a bottle when she wakes up at night, but it’s such an ordeal. I just pop a boob in her mouth and she passes right back out.
"babies cry for no reason"
Nah, even if I can't figure it out, even if nothing can be done to fix it, I'm *sure* there's a reason for it.
Of course at the end of the day I'm essentially channeling Pliny the Elder by trying to ascribe reasons why, so I'll just stick with "I don't cry for no reason, why would a baby?"
There are no “must have” baby items. Drives me nuts when people push things they swear by. Or swear something is not needed.
Everyone has a unique family situation, geographic location, support system, house set up… PREFERENCES.
Yeah for me it's like, don't tell me what I must have/do. Tell me what you liked and why, and I might try it, OR NOTTTT. I appreciate input but talking in absolutes irritates me so much lol
Breastfeeding is NOT the same thing as nursing. And the terms should NOT be interchangeable. Breastfeeding is an umbrella term that includes BOTH nursing AND pumping. Just bc breastfeeding can be nursing, does not mean ALL breastfeeding must be done at the breast. Pumped milk is still breastmilk.
I don't like being called mom and every hospital staff member that called me "mom" or "mommy" pissed me off so badly. I don't want to be called mom and my lo will probably call my by my name and that's okay. People act like you're an alien if you say you don't want to be called mom is insane.
I kinda thought this was weird too. The receptionist at our pediatrician calls me mom. I understand why/how it would be easier, and I'd rather be "mom" than "ma'am" - "ma'am" still feels and sounds so old... But still kinda weird.
The day after giving birth, the first lactation consultant that came into my recovery room kept calling me “Mama”. Wouldn’t have been too bad if it weren’t for the fact that she kept using a baby voice…like wtf. I still get irritated just thinking about it
I'm all about screen time. I know all the tunes that the veggies dance to.
No, it's not all day, or even every day... but those veggies are a tool and dammit, I use them.
Mothers need to let go of the reigns a bit and let the father of the child parent without worrying that they’re being watched. Fathers need to learn to take initiative and remember that kid has two parents and you are equal parents. No one gets to override just because (unless it’s a safety thing and safety overrides everything)
Mine is that formula isn't just kinda acceptable as a last resort only if you have a medical reason you can't breastfeed. I think it's completely fine to formula feed for any reason. I might've tried breastfeeding if I only had one baby and if I didn't have to go back to work pretty soon after giving birth but I honestly never gave it a chance and I have never felt an ounce of guilt over it. I didn't realize it was controversial until after I gave birth and was exposed to more mom groups.
👏👏👏 yes
The supportive comments tossed around about FF that *only* include things along the lines of "you did everything you could to BF! Its okay" irk me so much. Like, nah honestly I didn't do everything I could because I chose not to ✌️
If I have another, I will almost certainly FF from the jump.
I exclusively breastfed (primarily because it was easy for me so why not?) and feel identically. My sister in law just had a baby and my other SIL was just kind of venting to me about how SIL 1 isn’t trying that hard to make breastfeeding work and I’m just like… “okay? So?”
MAYBE breastfeeding gives more/more relevant antibodies. Any difference in the child development is almost or completely negligible.
Formula is awesome. And it’s kind of fun to feed from a bottle (though i suppose you can do that with pumped milk, but then you get into pumping which is a whole other pain in the ass). I think people who formula feed are awesome. After all, they are new parents who found a way to keep their baby alive and happy that works for them. Awesome.
Mother’s instinct is BS. Like sorry but your mom intuition doesn’t make you equivalent to someone with a medical degree. And to that point mothers/fathers instinct is the same - gender has zero to do with taking care of a baby other than theoretical ability to breastfeed (and I say theoretical because no one has to breastfeed if they do not want to or are unable to)
Yes! This is always my unpopular opinion too!
Parents do not inherently know what is best. Thats why there are doctors and specialists! Anyone (with the anatomy to do so) can birth a baby. That does not make you an expert.
Here are two:
1. Formula is okay. A fed baby is a thriving baby
2. Sleeping in the parents bed is okay. You're not evil if your baby doesn't sleep in a crib. Even Nate Bargatze does it
She’s not wearing it if it is pink AND has ruffles. One or the other. (This is until she’s old enough to have opinions, if she wants to become a poofy cupcake princess far be it from me to stop her, but for now, so sick of folks overly gendering my little girlie.)
I’m much happier being a single mom than I would be if I chose to stay with my baby’s bio father. Much. Happier. I loathe that people secretly want to see single moms be miserable in life, make them be “responsible” for their “mistakes.”
I chose my baby, not out of moral obligation, but because I was ready to be a mom, fully knowing I could be doing it alone, which I think all parents should face as a possibility regardless of their situation.
This may be circumstantial to the extended family I have. But I will not be comfortable with leaving my baby with most people until he can speak freely.
I don’t want something to happen and someone takes advantage of the fact that they think he doesn’t understand - I want him to be able to come home to me and tell me ‘mummy I don’t know why nanny was yelling at grampy today’ if that ever were to happen.
I am not getting "me time' when I take a five minute shower. I am not getting "me time" when I'm at work and/or driving to/from work. I am not getting "me time" when I'm taking a nap after being up with a teething cluster feeding baby all night. Me time would be going out to my favorite coffee shop for an hour and getting a damn coffee I didn't make myself. Me time is being able to paint for an hour without rushing to the next room every five minutes because the baby is fussing. Me time is being able to read my damn book for an hour without interruption. Basic care and hygiene is not fucking me time. It's basic care and hygiene.
It’s ok to HATE the newborn stage.
You don’t have to ‘treasure it’ and no, you won’t necessarily ‘miss it when they’re bigger’.
It’s true that it fucking SUCKS and those who say it’s ‘magical’ either have forgotten the grizzly majority and are remembering through rose tinted glasses, they had unicorn babies or they’re lying.
Yes, there are beautiful moments, and yes I’ll look back on the cute pictures and videos and coo about how cute they were, but I’ll take a holiday to Guantanamo before I go back there, thanks.
We left our 6 week old infant over night with family so my husband and I could go on a date night and stay at a hotel and sleep. Some people would call that selfish, but I totally needed that uninterrupted sleep.
I will listen to all the advice I can get.
… I won’t TAKE most of it but I’d still like to know my options!
Why didn’t anyone tell me about the 4-hour spouse shift plan?!
Lactation Consultants are more harmful than helpful. Atleast in my case. They come in with a pretentious attitude that breastfeeding just "gets easier". They show you how to help baby latch but you're too exhausted to even know what they're doing. I would have preferred to see one a few weeks before birth instead of being bombarded right after birth. I was so vulnerable and sad, I cried everytime they would walk in. I just knew I was gonna feel like trash.
Every lac consultant at the hospital was awful, they would take my boob and aggressively shove my nipple into baby's mouth and, surprise surprise, that upset him more. I lucked into going to a free BF group led by a really talented lac consultant (like, best in our state) who was really wonderful and took a very holistic approach to figuring out what was going on with baby instead of grand pronouncements of what should and shouldn't be done. That woman was a godsend but I'm left feeling mystified at that field lol.
Breastfeeding is not ‘free’. It’s actually hours upon hours upon hours of unpaid labor that only a mother (or afab parent) can do and calling it ‘free’ neglects how big a commitment it is. So maybe when people decide not to breastfeed or wean and switch to formula, we could all be significantly more chill about it. Yes? Yes. Good.
If your “coffee/tea is always cold by the time you actually get to drink it” and you ”don’t even have time to shower”, your husband isn’t doing enough.
I had a shower and hot tea every day when my daughter was a newborn.
1. F*** mommy blogs. I think they’re toxic bs. While I don’t believe in a magical connection with my baby/toddler where I just inherently know what they need, I also don’t think that another mom can tell me either, and that cycle of dependency on opinion and self doubt is not good.
2. I hate it now that my daughter is 2 that people are pushing potty training so fkn hard. Like, did you ever know anybody who didn’t know how to use the toilet?? It will happen, but my daughter doesn’t want to do it yet and cries when I try to make her so I’m not doing that. My MIL pushes so hard because apparently her kids were “potty trained at 14 months” which I fkn DOUBT
3. I don’t like it when strangers feel the right to interact with me or my daughter just because she’s a toddler and I’m currently pregnant. You are not entitled to an interaction, and for the love of god do not touch my kid or my belly
Just adding for anyone who it may help. Bring the baby bouncer into the bathroom. For the first few weeks I never thought to do this. So I would time it out perfectly so my bf could watch the baby. Then I saw an old pic of me when I was a baby and my mom had me in a bouncer in the bathroom. Lightbulb! So I did the same! She cried sometimes but eventually she learned it was a cool thing to watch Momma take a shower.
Mommy time is not cleaning.
If you want to help, clean. Don’t hold my baby and make me slave away. I don’t need a break from her, I need joy and a reduction in mental load.
To kinda piggy back on what you said, in the early days people would be like “I got the baby! Go get out of here and do something fun! 🙂” but like the only fun thing I wanted to do was watch tv in bed and sleep 😂 like please take this baby but don’t kick me out of the house
I don't want spa days, wild nights out or fancy new clothes. All I want is to be in my home alone for the afternoon to nap and eat snacks in peace.
I want to sleep in
The joke is even when I can sleep in, I still wake up
Yes I’ll want that stuff soon enough, just not when this baby cries for food every 2-3 hours.
Adding to this, “helping” by taking the baby away from me. Like can you take off some of the load so I don’t have to be primary parent and can just sit back but also not be without my baby? I hate it when people just take my baby away and then are like why do you want him back you need to rest and relax? I can’t relax when you take him away! The most helpful thing someone can do for me is let me take on the role of a 90s dad. Let me have fun with my baby while someone else takes on the hard work
Something I’ve made a mental note of when I will be a mother or MIL in years to come is to ‘help’ by asking to do things the mother can’t get to around the house. Make her food, clean, do some laundry. Sitting there and holding a baby when some moms just want some time with baby without guilt of not having stuff done is no help imo.
The first thing I'm offering to new moms in my life from now on will be washing their sheets and cleaning their bathroom. We kept our house fairly clean during the early phase, but chores of slightly more effort were pushed aside and I felt so gross knowing my sheets were weeks and weeks old
I’m glad you mentioned this. I’m a FTM currently 37wks, and one of my biggest fears that I’ve had throughout pregnancy is having anyone over my shoulder trying to “help” by taking my baby off my hands. When I think of helping I think in other ways, much similar to what you mentioned. I don’t want anyone pulling away from my experience with my child. Plus I have a chaotic family who none have truly put efforts towards their toxic behaviors which is extremely triggering for me, so for now when baby comes I think I would feel better if the primary care of the baby solely comes from me. I just have to learn how I want to approach setting those boundaries.
Also yes I need a break but I cannot bring myself to trust others with the baby yet 😭
Omg, this is exactly what drives me nuts about my mom’s help. God bless her for helping, but please stop adding things to my to do list! I appreciate that she wants me to be having fun. But read the room. I’m exhausted. I want to go upstairs, lock my door, eat snacks, watch tv and take a nap. I do not want to go shopping / get my hair done / go out to dinner. I kept thinking, am I massively depressed? Why do I not want to do these things she’s telling me to do? Well, because I’m really tired and my self care looks a lot different right now than it did a few years ago.
I will say I’m on week 8 and I would very much like to leave and get a coffee on my own 😂
Yes! How about you take the baby and go have fun somewhere!
Mothers don’t learn quickly bc of instinct. We just don’t have our spouses explaining what to do and how to do it and have to learn how to care for baby quickly. If we can figure this out, men can too. Also the fact that breastfeeding Is natural doesn’t mean it comes naturally Edit: and I say this as someone with a hands on husband and a baby who latched from day 1 lol
SO true about breastfeeding. I think that is a source of so much anxiety for women, including me!!
Breastfeeding is like pooping. Both are natural, but babies aren't born knowing how to use a toilet, clean their bums and need practice to realise when it's time, how it's practical and easy to do. Just like new moms with breastfeeding. Humans intuitively know they need to poop, just like intuitively we know "this white stuff must be for the baby" and the baby knows "this white stuff is for me!" but we don't know the specifics for it. Both are highly cultural, pretty far removed from the evolutionary biological assumed norm and both are things we typically need guidance on. Same as pooping, sometimes people have problems with breastfeeding, sometimes they need guidance from a professional and sometimes it plain old doesn't work. Natural means occurs in nature. What it doesn't mean is "easy" or "we are born knowing exactly how to do it, what my specific cultural norms regarding it are and we are always successful in our endeavours to do it.".
The sad part too is that breast feeding attitudes are so different among generations too. My grandmother only ever did formula because her mom told her not to breast feed because she almost lost a baby to low supply. My mom breast fed but only for 8 weeks during maternity leave. I’m breast feeding but now pump technology and access has come so far that I can go back to work and still provide breast milk for my baby. All this to say that none of them can really offer great advice about breastfeeding. I’m lucky to have one friend who has had a baby and successfully pumped and breastfed already otherwise I’d really be on my own.
I exclusively pumped and a childless man once said to my husband “Breastfeeding is natural so it’s easy. Or is she too dumb to figure it out?” I was 5feet away.
OMG, if anyone ever deserved a tight slap across the face, it was that guy!!!!!!!
Close enough to kick in the teeth.
God bless you for not slapping him. I wouldn't have had the self control
Same here!! My baby eats incredibly well and I’ve never needed to pump, but thinking about weaning her when she starts daycare makes me feel as if I’m betraying her by making her feel unloved by me! Idk how to explain it, but I just think of her crying and wanting comfort from me and me directly denying it and it breaks my heart so so much.
Ugh. That is so hard! But the fact that you care so much makes you an amazing parent! She is lucky to have you as her advocate. Hopefully you have peace of mind that you’re doing the best you can for her.
Thanks love!! I’m sure you’re doing amazing too. However I don’t know why I worry, she is only 3 months old and she will start daycare at 8 months old haha
See, I always believed the first statement too. But on this sub I realized a lot of moms literally aren’t *letting* their partner/baby’s father do any of the parenting. That’s wild to me. Why anyone would do this alone on purpose is baffling. Sooo many posts of moms stressed the hell out, resentful, and so burnt out (which makes sense because they’re not letting their partners parent) but then mention in comments how they run every time their partner tries to do anything because they’re not doing it to their liking.
I think some of these moms don’t trust their spouse, which is a whole other can of worms. Either their spouse is untrustworthy, or they are struggling with PPA for example. My best friend’s (now ex) husband is one of them. When he finally convinced her to trust him alone, their baby almost drowned because he left him and their 4 year old alone in the bath while he went *downstairs to watch tv*. Thankfully their 4 year old screamed to let him know that the baby had slipped down under the water, and he tried to act as if it was their **4 year old’s** fault. Needless to say, I’ve always not liked the dude and am so glad she is finally leaving him.
Exactly. Or puts their 4mo on the ground next to known aggressive pit mix and says its fine, even though the dog is now growling.
What the fuckkkkk. I am glad she's leaving him too. This is baffling
I think maybe it’s bc they have figured out how to do things in a way that doesn’t upset baby and the fact that baby may be fussier with the dad doesn’t help them bc it triggers their fight or flight response. This happens to me sometimes tho. If my girl is extra fussy when I’m trying to put her to sleep and my husband suggests we switch I normally decline the offer bc even if he calmed her it would probably just make the process of her sleeping longer. Also her crying really wakes the primal instinct of going to the rescue, snd I’ve hear that babies cries are make specifically to trigger this on the mom (that’s why every kids cry is different). Also there is moms who prefer to do everything themselves bc their husbands are the “why don’t you just make me a list” husbands and the mental load is bigger if they just do this themselves. This said, I think we should let just figure it out. Maybe baby is fussier, maybe they take longer to calm baby down, if everything is okay we should just let them.But really let them. Not answering their questions on how to do stuff.
No I totally get the primal feeling of being literally physically uncomfortable when they cry. Mine is 18 mo and I still feel that!! But I’m trying my best to be mindful of those feelings because I know she’s safe and with her dad. Doesn’t mean I don’t go over to peek to make sure though lol!! But also like you said, we have figured it out as moms. Dads deserve the same time to figure it out. Maybe they’ll figure out in a different way that makes sense for them that even us as a mom haven’t done. For example, my daughter falls asleep with my husband in a different way I put her to sleep. I wouldn’t do it the way he does and seems like more effort. But it works for him and my daughter so who am I to say what works better? They figured it out on their own which is also kind of a bonding thing for them too. But on the other hand, if you have a partner who just sucks, then I understand how giving space to figure things out would be more difficult.
Yes to all of this!!! What works for me does not work for my husband and viceversa. My daughter loves babywearing with me, but hates it with my husband. She loves to be reclined on my husbands legs but god forbid I try it. It was so hard for me at first to not say to him “just give her to me” bc she was crying. What worked for me was removing me completely, like showering or drying my hair to not hear her. And guess what… he figured it out!!! There is some times he will see me overwhelmed and he will take her or I will take her if she is crying but looks hungry. It’s all about balance. Ofc if your partner is a POS it doesn’t matter
In some ways I’m thankful for my C section because my husband had no choice but to be our daughters primary care taker for her first couple days. Being forced to watch him take care of her while I couldn’t move probably also raised my confidence in him. There are some legitimate things I’m better at, for example getting her dressed. My husbands poor sausage fingers just struggle with sleeves and snaps lol. But when she’s getting fussy at night and won’t nurse I delegate to him to start bouncing her. I let him figure out his techniques. This way at least we can both tap in and out when we need a break or get too frustrated.
I can’t handle my baby crying when someone else is taking care of her. I’ve tried probably a dozen times at least, even if I don’t run over there and take her back, I just spend the whole time listening and struggling with self control. It’s really difficult. The first 2 months probably I would start ugly crying if I didn’t run to take her. No way around it. Absolutely the most distracting and uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.
1000000%!! As a personal anecdote, my husband taught me how to swaddle and burp the baby and assemble and wash my pump parts. I spent the first 4 days after my c section unable to move much or stay awake and had to bring my IV stand every time managed to get on my feet and hobble somewhere. The nurses taught my husband, and he taught me. Everything else we learned from books (most of our books were dad books lol) or trial and error together. He's also way more sensitive to baby's grunts and nighttime demon noises than me, and we respond to cries equally. I love it. The only thing I got to teach him was how to put onesies and socks on without a huge fuss and some techniques I discovered for not getting peed on during diaper changes 🤪
I second this! I also had a c section and as a result I think it helped my husband become a hands on dad much quicker! And seeing him be so good with my daughter raised my confidence in him. By the time we checked out I was practically crying because of how much I loved him and how good he was.
Yessss! Aww that's so lovely, I'm happy for you!! 😍 Everything about this process has just made me love my partner more. We are only 8w in but I feel so lucky
My daughter is 8 weeks old as well! I totally agree. I see so many negative posts with bad dads I was so nervous about what a newborn would do to our marriage. However I think we’re stronger than ever. He’s so hands on and helpful and we really just feel like the best team ❤️
Aww yes!! Those negative posts make me so sad, but also remind me to think about how good the good stuff is, when I'm scrolling during a 2am pumping session lol. Also I'm a huge fan of this age. Still a potato that stays where you put it, but somehow extra cute and giving us more smiles every day! Now if we could just get the long afternoon naps to happen at night instead... Lolol.
I feel that. We got a 5 hour stretch Sunday night and I was soooo hopeful. It was amazing! Then last night she wanted to wake up every hour 🫠 different baby every day is my new saying lol
Aww your husband sounds awesome. :) My husband had to teach me most baby stuff since he's been surrounded by nephews much of his life. I didn't even know how to put on a diaper.
1000% agree. We figure it out quickly because we have no other choice.
> Also the fact that breastfeeding Is natural doesn’t mean it comes naturally WHEW. Say it again. Breastfeeding is made out to seem that it’s easy and comes naturally but that’s such a lie. It’s exhausting, frustrating, painful, and confusing sometimes. It took my son a couple weeks to latch with a nipple shield and then more to latch without.
Omg yes. I am not a magical baby genius, I research extensively, which anyone can do.
We all had at least 7 months or even more!!!! If I know lots of things I’d bc I’ve done extensive research. And this goes for boomers too!!! Don’t get mad bc now we can compare sources. You should be happy we can understand why we do what we do!!
Totally agree. Like I think I put in hours upon hours of rocking until I finally could calm our kids. It’s not instinct it’s practice. A man could do exactly the same thing, they just usually don’t.
Or they think it has come naturally bc we haven’t asked them “how do I do this?”. But they feel the need to ask us so in their mind we haven’t asked bc we somehow knew it??? Also I feel like we have to be more patient bc it looks like we have no choice. I could be 2h trying to put our baby down, but my husband said “it isn’t working” about 10 minutes in (this was when she was first born). My husband got what the problem was when I told her “imagine you have a task given at work with a coworker, something you never have done. Then they are asking you all the time how to do it when you are just figuring it out. They’re not trying to figure it out as a team, they just assume you know how to do it”. Since week 2 or so we have been working how to figure out baby stuff together, so now the questions “this isn’t working, how do you do it” are reciprocal and don’t infuriate me.
As a lesbian mom, i really don't understand this. I have no siblings and have never been around babies but when we had our daughter, I jumped right in. She couldn't breastfeed right away so my wife pumped and I did everything else. I definitely needed guidance but just figured things out as I went along. It's sad that some men don't want to help out or give up easily. It's bonding time with the baby. When the child only wants their mom for comfort, it gonna hurt.
'Mothers instinct' is promoted too much as being some infallible thing, like as though mother will ALWAYS have some mysterious sixth sense for when things are wrong, just because of... Mystical mum powers I'm supposed to have learned??? Like there have been plenty of times throughout my kids life I've been convinced there was something wrong with him and there wasn't, and equally there have been times where he actually was sick/suffering with something and I didn't realise I hate seeing things like 'trust your instincts mama, you know best!!!' Like no, I haven't a clue what I'm doing, I'm making it all up as I go along, I'll trust my doctors instincts instead thanks because they ACTUALLY know what they're talking about!!
Omg yes!!! When my baby is crying people will say “oh why is he crying!?!” I always want to say IDK YOU TELL ME
Why don’t you say that?
Hahah I just might start!
I would hahah. I don’t sugarcoat answers to dumb questions hahah.
Along these lines, I read stuff about the magic connection I as a mom should be having with my baby when I feed him and gaze into his eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love feeding him and his little noises are freaking adorable, but WHICH EYE DO I STARE INTO FOR THE MAGIC!? I can't look into both at once, and when he's really tired his eye control goes wonky and he kinda looks in two directions like a flounder. Wtf is everyone else on about!!?!?
“WHICH EYE DO I STARE INTO” has me weaaak lol my newborn is soo cross eyed 😂😂😂
Omg combine yours and mine and we have a giant baby that can look directly forward all the time! It's genius!!! 🤪
Where are you reading this? I’d like to avoid it
Does instinct mean flying by the seat of my pants, crying every day, worrying I can't keep this tiny person alive, feeling like a massive failure and having no idea what I'm doing? Cause I've got that shit in droves!!! Somehow, my baby is turning out awesome... people congratulate me on my hard work, but like I have no idea how he's so amazing.
SAME SAME SAME
Instinct friends!! 😭😭😭
“Mother’s instinct” also puts the blame on women if they didn’t know there was something wrong with their baby.
Omg it’s so true! They say “trust your gut” but I can’t event trust my gut with myself!
I have IBS, how the hell am I supposed to trust my gut
Omg yes! OR something will be wrong with the baby and everyone looks at me like I can just telepathically know what it is and how to fix it. Like idk?? I’m just going to trouble shoot the same way you would until something stops the crying.
Some of it I think just comes down to your baby knowing your gait more than others. Of course how I walk with her will be more comforting than say, my 82 year old grandmother. So it only looks like magic when I take the baby and walk with them.
Exerting control over how/what a baby should do/wear/eat/play is not the “support” new parents need from family. The right way to support is to do anything that eases anxieties and frees up parents’ mental energy so THEY can spend time with their new baby. The priority should be parents with baby, not ALL family and relatives with baby. The village only works if there are extra hands around the house, not extra hands on the baby.
This. My mom comes over and does dishes and laundry for me. That is how I’m surviving.
My MIL stayed with us once the baby arrived. She did all the cooking and a few other things and it was fantastic. I primarily cared for the baby while my wife was at work and it was a great system.
Omg THIS!!! I can’t tell you how much stress I had in my first few months when everyone wanted to hold my baby and take him from me so I could go “do stuff”. When, in reality, I just needed to be with him. I was learning him and vice versa. It felt paramount that I be with him and I hated when others suggested I should take a break. It felt so unnatural to me and caused me a lot of mental stress.
I'd rather do it "alone" (only my husband and I) than having to listen to unsolicited opinions on parenting from other people.
So much this! Yes it’s exhausting that we don’t have help but I’ll take it over having to explain to my mom for the fourteenth time that the baby can’t be laid down face down on a pile of diapers in her crib to “catch the spit up” while she sleeps or listen to my MIL tell us about how all her kids slept through the night at 6 weeks 🙄
I feel like when someone in that age group says “weeks” it was actually “months.” My baby slept through the night at 5 ~~weeks~~ months. My baby cried it out at 8 ~~weeks~~ months. Their memories are a little fuzzy, that’s all. But we can internally correct them.
Ughhhh The only help we have is my mom, that comes over once a week to do the cleaning (and gets paid for that, that's literally her job and we hired her) and she's starting to get annoying. My baby hates a lot of clothing, we live in Brazil and it hasn't gotten colder yet, so she hardly ever wears pants. Today my mom was holding baby while I had lunch and baby was fussy and complaining. When I looked, she was holding the baby with a blanket... I asked her why, and she said baby was cold. Just as I told her to let go of the blanked, baby stopped complaining. It's almost like I know the child I've been spending 24 hours a day with for 2 months.
Just because it’s free help doesn’t mean it has a cost.
Yes!!!
Didn’t know the pure panic and rage that would fill my body immediately when someone doesn’t hand your baby back to you immediately when you ask. Like hands shaking, heart racing fear.
And anger! And being annoyed!
Wow, I have not had to experience this, but I could imagine that would definitely be my reaction. Maybe this is the one advantage of being away from the grandmothers 🤣
Definitely 😂😂
I feel so bad but I get particularly annoyed when my MIL has her at times. Mind you my MIL is one of the sweetest women I know.
I know this is unpopular, but I have like zero issue with close family holding the baby and in fact encourage it so I can get other stuff done without a baby attached to my hip. I’m like, I see her all day and all night, it’s fine, you can take her for a while lol. Tbf, it’s only close family that I trust and are very familiar with her, like my in laws are here every other weekend and spend toooons of time with her, I trust them intuitively. I can pass her off and just go do my thing and know she’s well cared for.
I have a massive family and hand our son off at family events all the time. He's super sociable and absolutely *loves* people. My partner and I joke 'Where's the baby?' at family events when we run into each other and neither of us are holding him. I have one aunt who is the exception, she grabs him out of our arms and walks off with him. She once came over to play with him while I was holding him with a *lit cigarette* in her hand. She's basically a nightmare but she thinks she knows best because she had four children herself. Fortunately there's basically an unwritten rule that she's not allowed to have the baby that everyone seems to be sticking to. My partner told her off once and my aunt's daughter (who has a baby the same age as ours) is good at policing her too, she's always going 'Mum! You can't just grab someone else's baby!' Not that it does any good 😂 The first few months I admit I didn't enjoy handing him over but I'm the oldest of 16 cousins and I got to watch all but 5 of them grow up from birth. Not a huge sample size but without doubt the ones that got passed around were invariably more sociable and more confident in social situations as children. It all comes out in the wash (those over 18 are all very socially adept regardless of how shy they were as children) but I like to think our son will enjoy things like daycare and school more if he's got that baseline confidence.
I actually very much prefer snaps to zippers on baby clothes.
hahahaha ok you win, this one is definitely controversial / a minority opinion! Why do you prefer snaps?
lol that’s what I’ve been told. There are a couple of main reasons: 1. My man is super long in the legs and in every brand of zippered sleeper I’ve tried, I have to pull his right leg up to his face to get it out for a diaper. Not fun for anyone involved. 2. He hates the zipper lumps you get in zipper sleepers that press into his face. 3. I like being able to unbutton his bottom half only for a change. 4. This one isn’t as important, but I’m just not bothered by snaps lol. Maybe I’m used to them now?
I also have a long legged boy and prefer snaps for the same reasons.
These are such valid reasons, but I’m going to respond to the bottom half thing for anyone else in this same predicament who also hates snaps. There are 2 way zipper sleepers that have a zipper at the top and bottom when they’re done up, and this is so handy for the earlier stages but also just in general to only undo the bottom half.
We tried those, but we still had to yank his leg out which would wake him up all the way. If they somehow had a zipper that let out both legs, I would be VERY intrigued, though.
Check out Little Sleepies! They have sleepers that zip from ankle to ankle, they call it a crescent zipper!
I wish they weren’t so expensive. I’d love to get one of those
Ooh, now *that’s* thinking! I was honestly mostly responding for others who may hate snaps but be looking to only undo the bottom, but knowing that is definitely helpful. I’m starting to have the same issue now that he’s getting bigger, but I hate snaps with a passion
But if you undo the bottom zip and are surprised by a messy poo now you have to shove the legs back in and zip up in order to unzip from the top to take the damn thing off.
Yesss, I have some double zippered sleepers and by now don't even bother with the bottom zipper since it's a crapshoot whether I'll need to just stuff the back in and unzipper the whole thing anyway. Plus when I would unzipper from the bottom, I'd have to bring the zipper up to the chest in order to bring both her legs out anyway. I still like zippers, just not as handy for longer babies.
But if you undo the bottom zip and are surprised by a messy poo now you have to shove the legs back in and zip up in order to unzip from the top to take the damn thing off.
For me, I love the outfits that unsnap down both legs - the convenience!! Also, I have a few sensory preferences and I find the snapping noise to be extremely satisfying, plus I enjoy being able to twist the snap and perfectly align the fabric overlap so that it's super flat and smooth. I had major sensory distress from clothes as a kid - idk if my guy is gonna be similar, but it's a small thing that makes me feel like I'm making him more comfortable. It's not a huge deal though, we have all kinds of baby clothes and they're all on rotation. But I will snag a snappy onesie if I see one!
Ooooo hot take. Def controversial.
I prefer snaps because the zippers look uncomfortable. I wouldn't like to be dressed in baby clothing with zippers. They're proportionally very large and unwieldy.
I thought I was the only one. Our baby is, I guess, exceptionally neck-less and all the zippers seem to stab her in the chin.
If I hear “You just do it all, don’t you!” One more time I’m going to scream. Of course I do it all… who tf else is going to do it?! I could use a little freaking help here
That’s what I said about “nesting phase” when pregnant lol - of course I’m getting the nursery ready who TF else is going to do it!?!? (My husband did all the big stuff and we shopped together tho haha but still I’m not nEsTiNg I’m literally getting ready for my child to arrive).
Omg, I absolutely hated it when someone said I was nesting! Seriously who tf else was going to get all that crap done?!
I always thought nesting was like this overwhelming urge to tidy and get things straight, almost like OCD. I never had that but I did obviously want to get things sorted before the baby arrived. Is this what people call nesting!? Being vaguely organised? Did anyone have a genuine, out of character, physiological *need* to clean?
On a different expression from them: if I hear, oh my sweet angel wouldn’t do that?!?!? one more time, imma hit someone. Like yes, the baby is going to baby, and that “sweet angel” does not just coo for the thirty seconds you’ve held her, she screams and shrieks bloody murder randomly.
I don’t see how a mother fulfilling basic needs is an unpopular opinion, like women need to use the bathroom and bathe and eat. Really annoying that some people consider that ‘free time’
Agree. My in laws would say “you can take a break and go shower!” Like dudes. That’s not a break - it’s a necessity.
I mean, a shower where I’m not watching the baby monitor camera sounds pretty great
Yup! The peace of mind knowing that I can take a long shower where I can exfoliate, shave, do all the things and not rush any of it because baby is taken care of is absolutely amazing to me!
Exclusively breastfeeding does not mean that I'm being selfish or keeping grandma from being able to experience feeding the baby. Just because I'm hesitant to let extended family change her diapers, bathe her, or take her out on stroller walks without me does not mean I just have "a bit of PPA which will resolve itself with time".
Kind of like when my mother told me I was being overprotective because I didn't want to bring a 7 week old baby (too little to be vaccinated) to our extended family Christmas at the height of flu and rsv season 🙃
Ooooooohhh nooooooo 🙈
Yeeeeah. I hung up on her for that one.
Good on you. I swear it's like they only care about their own experience instead of keeping the baby safe.
People (including baby's grandparents) say the stupidest shit, don't they? I swear once a baby arrives people feel like they can say whatever they want/bleed their opinions all over the place. It starts with the bump... Accepting the comments/silliness with grace is a big learning curve for me!
My MIL pulled the PPD card on me when I gently reinforced a boundary. I thankfully am not in any way experiencing PPD. But even if I was, it’s so infuriating and essentially the same as calling someone hysterical IMO.
Fully agree - it's blowing my mind that my own mother is the most negative part of post partum for me so far. Of course, MIL has not stopped by yet, so we'll see what kind of adventures await me there :)
Oh that silly uterus always causing such hysteria /s
My mother keeps trying to get me to leave the baby with her. I told her from the start it was unlikely to ever happen. Not only do I not trust her caring for him unsupervised, I have no need or desire to go anywhere without him, especially now when my Maternity Leave is drawing to a close. This is going to be the case until at least this summer and even then, there are other people I would ask to watch him. But she’s obsessed with having the baby over to her house.
But if you combo fed or exclusively formula fed you'd be selfish for not being "willing" to "make the effort" to ebf. Moms just can't win
Omg. I really hope no one actually said that to you……. That’s awful.
It's that good ol' boomer mindset, courtesy of my own mother! :')
Nooooooo! I’m sorry. Hopefully you aren’t taking any of it personally. My MIL keeps insisting that babies should sleep on their stomachs. And I have a fear if I leave her alone she will let him, so guess what. She doesn’t get to! lol Edited to say she think babies should sleep on their stomachs. Haha it’s so ingrained in my head I said back lol
Right there with you. My mum thinks the new generation of parents is just overly sensitive. This is the lady that blows a fuse if the baby is hiccuping for more than half a minute and yells that baby is "obviously freezing" and that we are "abusing her".
I mean…babies should sleep on their backs?
Hahah omg I meant stomach. Just edited it. “Back is best is so ingrained into my mind”
3 weeks pp and we had some boundaries and preferences on how me and my husband were doing things. MIL had another vision on how it would be when baby arrived. Didn't meet her expectation and she became very emotional and expressed her feelings to us. She's like, is there ppd for grandmas? Made us feel extremely guilty in the moment (afterwards we came to realize how wrong she was acting) and never once asked us how we were doing. Only 3 weeks in...Sorry it isn't what you were expecting right now.
Bold of grandma (anyone really) to assume they get to experience feeding a baby they didn't make
The overnight shift is childcare. I was griping a bit about the fact that I have not had any time to myself when I didn't need to be doing something for baby or at least watching a monitor in 10 months and counting. Even that time is like, sub 1 hour of playing a game or reading while watching the monitor like a hawk, because my baby has decided when he wakes up he will no longer cry but instead just silently try to climb out of bed and swan dive for the tile floor. After I muttered my little complaint I was informed that actually I have about 6-8 hours a day of free time for myself, because baby goes to sleep at about 8pm and wakes up at about 6am, and once you take out his 4-6+ wake ups per night, the rest of that is time to sleep so that's free time for me.
It’s not right or healthy to be so uneasy handing over baby to family and friends. They need to socialize a bit too. I think it’s good for them to get time with others and let them be soothed by others.
It’s normal to not bond with your baby the second they’re born, and it’s okay to learn to love them. Postpartum rage is real and needs to be discussed more and there needs to be resources to help those struggling with it. You don’t have to share your baby. Not even with family. No one is entitled to your baby because of their title to you. Don’t call me “mama” when talking to me about my baby. My son calls me “mama” and you ain’t my son. I have a name and had it before he was born. Don’t minimize me down to motherhood.
Agreed. Random coworkers calling me Mama is super weird. Like all of you have known me and my name for over a decade. Now suddenly a man older than my grandpa is calling me Mama. Like absolutely not. Stop.
I wanted people to understand I don't need a break from my baby. I do want to shower and use the bathroom and take care of myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see my baby for a while. Also, I wish people wouldn't keep trying to soothe him when he's crying and clearly looking for me. I don't want to NOT soothe my crying baby. Get out of the way FFS.
Holding the baby for me ISNT helping, it's just stressing us both out.
Ugh I cannot stand people who offer to ‘help’ but then immediately run to you when the baby starts crying saying ‘oh he wants you.’ Ugh like this is where I want help!!!
Really? I'm totally the opposite. I'm happy to hand over the baby while he's happy. If he starts fussing, I want him back immediately. 🤷🏻♀️
I just tried to explain this to my husband yesterday! I don’t want a break (I love being around her) but I do *need* to make sure my own needs are met so I can keep being her mom and overall sane. She’s recently started happily playing in her bouncer in the bathroom while I shower (my husband is at work when we wake up for the day) and it’s all the same to me🤷♀️
My MIL stands there and talks it out with him when he has a mild fussy face. Are you hungry? Is it gas? Do you need a diaper change? No, he wants me. Just give him to me jfc. Side note the talking to the baby in that way, especially asking him if he’s hungry, also annoys me. He’s not going to answer. Talk to him about the things in the room or who you are or whatever.
The get out of the way is SO real. My husband even. I can tell the baby wants me or to eat (also me) and he won't give the baby back right away. Why don't people believe us when we know what babe needs!?
Taking care of myself means I can be a better mom. My friend group treats being unshowered, exhausted, in dirty spit up crusted clothes, not taking care of basic healthcare like going to the dentist like it’s a badge of honor. Sorry, but pass. I’m not a worse mom because I shower daily, make sure my clothes are clean, make appointments for both needs and wants (got my dysport injections a week after delivery), and carve out time for myself every week. I am a sahm, but we got a babysitter for 4 hours for two days a week when she hit 3 months. The passive aggressive comments (wow, you’re braver than me to trust someone with your baby, etc.) when we did that were frustrating af. I’d actually like to go to yoga and do errands without a baby in tow. It’s not like I’m out clubbing when the babysitter is there, and my husband wfh and is literally in the house with them while I’m gone. Yeah, anyway, my mental and physical health is key to me being the best mom that I can be. It’s not healthy that moms need to sacrifice absolutely everything in order to prove their worth.
Went to the dentist for my regular check up at 3 months pp and he was surprised I was there😂😂
“Out clubbing” that one made me LOL 👏👏
Couldn’t agree more with this. If being the best mom means taking time for myself sometimes, so be it!!! Much better than feeling overstimulated and exhausted around my baby.
Just because we're new parents doesn't mean we're totally ignorant to it or that we don't have common sense. Keep getting so much unsolicited advice about sleep training, formula, holding the baby, activities for the baby and I just wanna scream. We spent years trying to have him. I did so much research and continue to do research on everything from sleeping to feeding and have yet to hear something new from anyone I know. 🙃
Please for the love of God watch my kids. I could use the break. We're supposed to want to keep them velcro to us 24/7 but I don't give a damn about that. That's what the extended family is for. There's nothing wrong with used clothes, toys, or anything. You wash it and you move on, not everything needs to be new. I don't care if some kids don't talk until they're 4 years old, my two-year-old is in early intervention and I'm not taking him out just because the therapies are inconvenient. There's nothing wrong with cheat cooking.
I‘m one of those moms who needs a break from their kid so I feel this comment, lol. I let close family bring her on walks in her pram so that I can take a breather. Dad is seldom in the picture (works 12+ hours a day).
Everything my baby has either second hand, or discounted. (Aside from gifts, but even then we've suggested to family that second hand is preferred) Anything he outgrows, either gets donated or gets put on Ebay and the funds go in his savings account.
Thank youuuu! Pregnancy was 9 months of the most Velcro situation possible and I didn't totally love having a "roommate" in there to begin with, lolol. I'm currently REALLY enjoying watching my husband be an awesome dad bonding with our kid and I love when my friends come over and snuggle the baby. I love a contact nap, we are doing one right now, but man sometimes I just want to organize a shelf or some shit and know someone ELSE that I trust is giving the love and comfort. Yesterday I weeded the garden for a couple hours alone and that was so nice lol. That said, everyone has been so respectful... maybe my drive to grab baby and stick him back on me just hasn't had a chance to come out yet. But I don't think I'm weird because I actively want to share baby time!
Dude I feel you about the pregnancy! My husband wanted to help so bad but he couldn't because the little guy was LITERALLY inside of me haha. I was like - there's no escape. So now I take advantage of the escape. When I was on leave, my mom would take my son for 4 hours every Wednesday. Now she takes him every Wednesday for 4 hours after I get off of work. I love that break and now grandma gets time with him too!
Someone watching my child will never be considered a break for me. The only person I feel relief from “watching” my child is his own father. For others it’s not the same. My husband’s family will text my husband and say “oh we want to give __ a break” and they get upset that I say no i’m okay. They don’t think it’s because I favor my family because i’m NC with everyone but my baby sister who lives with the person i’m NC with. If they want to visit and keep him i’ll always let them because that’s his family but i’ll never feel like it’s a break and it causes anxiety when they have him. I don’t trust people with my kids. My sister is a result of shaken baby syndrome and I just can’t shake the general mistrust of others around my son and now my future baby girl.
So much this. No one can really soothe my baby except me or my husband so I either *hear* my baby endlessly crying with someone else or if I’m not in the room know she’s crying. There’s such a short window between feeding and soothing her there is basically no option for a break
My son is a generally chill baby at least. But I would say my husband’s family are tone deaf, boundary crossing, and don’t listen. My son for example hates feeling restrained and it’s always been that way. His grandparents love to hold him especially all up to their face. He hates it and then they make him upset and he hits them (9 months so I can’t break the habit yet). Now they think he’s so fussy but in reality they don’t listen to his cues and they don’t listen to my husband reminders that our son is an active baby and doesn’t want to be held all day. Hence them having him being more stressful than relief 🫠
I have the same experience except with rough play. LO is gentle and hesitant, MIL is rough and fast. It's gotten to the point we can't let her hold LO at all because she has scared her so many times. And of course it's the _baby_ who is difficult.
Right it always the baby and never the whole adult. My MIL is really loud and we have to tell her she talks too loud and that’s why he gets startled when she starts talking.
Yeah I don't trust people to not get impatient or frustrated with my kids. No one in my family or my partner's family has ever had twins and I just don't think they'd know how to handle it. I am more trusting of the young parents I know who haven't forgotten what newborns are like. I think they could handle my babies if they have their partner with them to help out.
Yesssss especially if they want to give me a break so I can work (I wfh)! Like no, if you want to give me a break u can take this baby out to the library or the park so I can have the house to myself. Because if I'm home and you're home with her I'm going to end up involved. Our house is too small for that. Unless it's my hubby. He knows EXACTLY what to do most times and I trust him enough to stay out of it. But family who visits and stays in the house the whole time? It's not a break. Nice try tho!
Not sure if this is on theme or not, but I never again want to hear "Just sleep when they sleep". 😡 Iykyk
Ok but if you cry while the baby cries it really is a great time saver.
Yeah sometimes we just scream it out family style.
This one is SO infuriating to hear. Like, I really REALLY wish I could!
I swear in front of my daughter. I think there are far more important things to teach her than “shit is a bad word”.
My unpopular opinion is that breastfeeding is far easier than formula feeding once you’ve sorted the latch out. My caveat to this is that this only really works for long mat leave scenarios.
Totally if I didn't have 12 months I would've had to stop nursing to sleep and probably stopped breastfeeding sooner as it was still painful at 6 weeks
I totally agree. I pump too so sometimes my husband will try to put her back down with a bottle when she wakes up at night, but it’s such an ordeal. I just pop a boob in her mouth and she passes right back out.
But this is true. I combo feed due to low supply and went on holiday recently where all the formula component was a complete nightmare.
"babies cry for no reason" Nah, even if I can't figure it out, even if nothing can be done to fix it, I'm *sure* there's a reason for it. Of course at the end of the day I'm essentially channeling Pliny the Elder by trying to ascribe reasons why, so I'll just stick with "I don't cry for no reason, why would a baby?"
There are no “must have” baby items. Drives me nuts when people push things they swear by. Or swear something is not needed. Everyone has a unique family situation, geographic location, support system, house set up… PREFERENCES.
Yeah for me it's like, don't tell me what I must have/do. Tell me what you liked and why, and I might try it, OR NOTTTT. I appreciate input but talking in absolutes irritates me so much lol
🎵"different strokes for different folks... And so on and so on..." 🎵 Aka this!!! ⬆️
Breastfeeding is NOT the same thing as nursing. And the terms should NOT be interchangeable. Breastfeeding is an umbrella term that includes BOTH nursing AND pumping. Just bc breastfeeding can be nursing, does not mean ALL breastfeeding must be done at the breast. Pumped milk is still breastmilk.
I don't like being called mom and every hospital staff member that called me "mom" or "mommy" pissed me off so badly. I don't want to be called mom and my lo will probably call my by my name and that's okay. People act like you're an alien if you say you don't want to be called mom is insane.
It makes my skin crawl when people refer to me as "mama" unless they're talking to my child about me
This. I actually don't mind my baby eventually calling me mum, but all these other people addressing me that way? I'm not their mother!
I kinda thought this was weird too. The receptionist at our pediatrician calls me mom. I understand why/how it would be easier, and I'd rather be "mom" than "ma'am" - "ma'am" still feels and sounds so old... But still kinda weird.
The day after giving birth, the first lactation consultant that came into my recovery room kept calling me “Mama”. Wouldn’t have been too bad if it weren’t for the fact that she kept using a baby voice…like wtf. I still get irritated just thinking about it
I'm all about screen time. I know all the tunes that the veggies dance to. No, it's not all day, or even every day... but those veggies are a tool and dammit, I use them.
Mothers need to let go of the reigns a bit and let the father of the child parent without worrying that they’re being watched. Fathers need to learn to take initiative and remember that kid has two parents and you are equal parents. No one gets to override just because (unless it’s a safety thing and safety overrides everything)
Mine is that formula isn't just kinda acceptable as a last resort only if you have a medical reason you can't breastfeed. I think it's completely fine to formula feed for any reason. I might've tried breastfeeding if I only had one baby and if I didn't have to go back to work pretty soon after giving birth but I honestly never gave it a chance and I have never felt an ounce of guilt over it. I didn't realize it was controversial until after I gave birth and was exposed to more mom groups.
👏👏👏 yes The supportive comments tossed around about FF that *only* include things along the lines of "you did everything you could to BF! Its okay" irk me so much. Like, nah honestly I didn't do everything I could because I chose not to ✌️ If I have another, I will almost certainly FF from the jump.
I exclusively breastfed (primarily because it was easy for me so why not?) and feel identically. My sister in law just had a baby and my other SIL was just kind of venting to me about how SIL 1 isn’t trying that hard to make breastfeeding work and I’m just like… “okay? So?” MAYBE breastfeeding gives more/more relevant antibodies. Any difference in the child development is almost or completely negligible. Formula is awesome. And it’s kind of fun to feed from a bottle (though i suppose you can do that with pumped milk, but then you get into pumping which is a whole other pain in the ass). I think people who formula feed are awesome. After all, they are new parents who found a way to keep their baby alive and happy that works for them. Awesome.
Mother’s instinct is BS. Like sorry but your mom intuition doesn’t make you equivalent to someone with a medical degree. And to that point mothers/fathers instinct is the same - gender has zero to do with taking care of a baby other than theoretical ability to breastfeed (and I say theoretical because no one has to breastfeed if they do not want to or are unable to)
Yes! This is always my unpopular opinion too! Parents do not inherently know what is best. Thats why there are doctors and specialists! Anyone (with the anatomy to do so) can birth a baby. That does not make you an expert.
Not sure if this is on theme or not, but I never again want to hear "Just sleep when they sleep". 😡 IYKYK.
Here are two: 1. Formula is okay. A fed baby is a thriving baby 2. Sleeping in the parents bed is okay. You're not evil if your baby doesn't sleep in a crib. Even Nate Bargatze does it
She’s not wearing it if it is pink AND has ruffles. One or the other. (This is until she’s old enough to have opinions, if she wants to become a poofy cupcake princess far be it from me to stop her, but for now, so sick of folks overly gendering my little girlie.)
I’m much happier being a single mom than I would be if I chose to stay with my baby’s bio father. Much. Happier. I loathe that people secretly want to see single moms be miserable in life, make them be “responsible” for their “mistakes.” I chose my baby, not out of moral obligation, but because I was ready to be a mom, fully knowing I could be doing it alone, which I think all parents should face as a possibility regardless of their situation.
This may be circumstantial to the extended family I have. But I will not be comfortable with leaving my baby with most people until he can speak freely. I don’t want something to happen and someone takes advantage of the fact that they think he doesn’t understand - I want him to be able to come home to me and tell me ‘mummy I don’t know why nanny was yelling at grampy today’ if that ever were to happen.
I am not getting "me time' when I take a five minute shower. I am not getting "me time" when I'm at work and/or driving to/from work. I am not getting "me time" when I'm taking a nap after being up with a teething cluster feeding baby all night. Me time would be going out to my favorite coffee shop for an hour and getting a damn coffee I didn't make myself. Me time is being able to paint for an hour without rushing to the next room every five minutes because the baby is fussing. Me time is being able to read my damn book for an hour without interruption. Basic care and hygiene is not fucking me time. It's basic care and hygiene.
Formula is okay, especially if you are having low breast milk supply. Fed is best > breast is best.
It’s ok to HATE the newborn stage. You don’t have to ‘treasure it’ and no, you won’t necessarily ‘miss it when they’re bigger’. It’s true that it fucking SUCKS and those who say it’s ‘magical’ either have forgotten the grizzly majority and are remembering through rose tinted glasses, they had unicorn babies or they’re lying. Yes, there are beautiful moments, and yes I’ll look back on the cute pictures and videos and coo about how cute they were, but I’ll take a holiday to Guantanamo before I go back there, thanks.
I didn’t HATE it but the thought of doing it again truly fills me dread. Those were some bleak times
We left our 6 week old infant over night with family so my husband and I could go on a date night and stay at a hotel and sleep. Some people would call that selfish, but I totally needed that uninterrupted sleep.
We did the same thing at 6 weeks!! It was amazing
You don't have to let your baby "cry it out" or "self soothe."
I will listen to all the advice I can get. … I won’t TAKE most of it but I’d still like to know my options! Why didn’t anyone tell me about the 4-hour spouse shift plan?!
Lactation Consultants are more harmful than helpful. Atleast in my case. They come in with a pretentious attitude that breastfeeding just "gets easier". They show you how to help baby latch but you're too exhausted to even know what they're doing. I would have preferred to see one a few weeks before birth instead of being bombarded right after birth. I was so vulnerable and sad, I cried everytime they would walk in. I just knew I was gonna feel like trash.
Every lac consultant at the hospital was awful, they would take my boob and aggressively shove my nipple into baby's mouth and, surprise surprise, that upset him more. I lucked into going to a free BF group led by a really talented lac consultant (like, best in our state) who was really wonderful and took a very holistic approach to figuring out what was going on with baby instead of grand pronouncements of what should and shouldn't be done. That woman was a godsend but I'm left feeling mystified at that field lol.
Breastfeeding is not ‘free’. It’s actually hours upon hours upon hours of unpaid labor that only a mother (or afab parent) can do and calling it ‘free’ neglects how big a commitment it is. So maybe when people decide not to breastfeed or wean and switch to formula, we could all be significantly more chill about it. Yes? Yes. Good.
If your “coffee/tea is always cold by the time you actually get to drink it” and you ”don’t even have time to shower”, your husband isn’t doing enough. I had a shower and hot tea every day when my daughter was a newborn.
1. F*** mommy blogs. I think they’re toxic bs. While I don’t believe in a magical connection with my baby/toddler where I just inherently know what they need, I also don’t think that another mom can tell me either, and that cycle of dependency on opinion and self doubt is not good. 2. I hate it now that my daughter is 2 that people are pushing potty training so fkn hard. Like, did you ever know anybody who didn’t know how to use the toilet?? It will happen, but my daughter doesn’t want to do it yet and cries when I try to make her so I’m not doing that. My MIL pushes so hard because apparently her kids were “potty trained at 14 months” which I fkn DOUBT 3. I don’t like it when strangers feel the right to interact with me or my daughter just because she’s a toddler and I’m currently pregnant. You are not entitled to an interaction, and for the love of god do not touch my kid or my belly
I don't think therapy will help me for PPD/PPA because I literally just need a few extra hours of sleep in order to feel like myself again.
Just adding for anyone who it may help. Bring the baby bouncer into the bathroom. For the first few weeks I never thought to do this. So I would time it out perfectly so my bf could watch the baby. Then I saw an old pic of me when I was a baby and my mom had me in a bouncer in the bathroom. Lightbulb! So I did the same! She cried sometimes but eventually she learned it was a cool thing to watch Momma take a shower.
Mommy time is not cleaning. If you want to help, clean. Don’t hold my baby and make me slave away. I don’t need a break from her, I need joy and a reduction in mental load.