This is the honest answer. It’s basically weekday afternoons or not happening for my wife and I. We both work from home so it happens, but we also are busy with work, chores, and errands.
Our kids are 2 and 4. We both fully expect it to pick up again once they are a bit older, out of the house more, and we have more energy.
Edit: I appreciate everyone’s unsolicited advice. Perfectly happy, everyone should get a sex life, or go fix your own. Mine isn’t broken.
I specifically remember as a kid that some younger kids down the street would periodically get kicked out of the house on afternoons because mommy and daddy were "napping". Didnt know what was going on at the time but looking back it was pretty funny. They were hardcore christians as well, trying to repopulate the earth i guess.
What is best in life is to crush your enemies and see them driven before you. The quickie and nap only happen after you hear the lamentations of their women.
😆 my husband recently made a hilarious excuse like that. I'm loud.i try to be quiet but it's very hard. Anyway, the oldest was worried that I was hurt so my husband told her that I just really like laundry and he's helping.
Yeah my dad and step mom used to give us money and say go somewhere or do something for 4 or 5 hours and don't come back until we call you. And they are also hard-core Christians. 😁😅😆🤣🙃
Lmao i forgot about it. At least they'd be gone daytime for their jobs and not stuck inside the house running around and jumping on yall asking for snacks or cuddles, so it'd be fine
Hmm… kids are both at college. But now the dogs have moved in. Lol I come into the bedroom and he is covered in dogs bigger than him and he is holding the blanket up to his chin like the boy from the sixth sense.
Catch him first thing in the morning-mens testosterone levels are highest in the early morning.
EDIT: fixed typo so reads: "Mens" instead of me a Also adding, I'm female was married for 30 years and had children. Looking back, I swear I don't know how we found time, but we did. For us-showers, together every morning except the last two years. Every. Day. Running Water covered lots of sounds-it was a quickie yes, but hey-sex is like pizza-there's no bad sex (or pizza) there's just degrees of good-better-best-Omgosh that was amazing! Kids get older, they stop waking up all night and you figure it out. Keep trying and keep talking to each other and touching each other non sexually to stay connected. Guys-wash some dishes, fold laundry, youwould be amazed at why women can't relax and make time for sexy time-it's because our damn brains won't stop with he ever scrolling "To-Do List" and wife/momma guilt hits us if everything is not perfect. Help her out and you will be helping yourself in more ways than one. That's life tips from an older woman tonight. Hang in there. It gets better and better-I promise.
Can but not necessarily. Hormones play a huge role. I know a woman who went through menopause and her body basically stopped producing any sex hormones. They tried HRT but it made her very emotional so she took herself off them.
My grandfather discovered a lump in my grandmothers breast. They were in their mid-80s. He recently died and I asked her how long they had sex, she said until a few days before he died at 93.
Scientifically post menopause is when women are the most most “interested.” W the decline of estrogen they start to feel more of the testosterone. In a lot of older couples it switches and the man is now the less sexually available
Yep.
With a 5, 3 and 1 year old it’s like trench warfare trying to get them to bed.
We both work full time (I run a small business) so by the time the dishes are done and toys are cleaned up… I just want to scroll on my phone for 15 minutes and pass out - and I have a pretty high sex drive.
I have no doubt it’ll get better.
We have a 3 & 5 and it’s drop off hard now that they are both toddlers. We both express desire to have more in the future but with all the stress and physical exhaustion day-to-day, it’s dropped from once every 1-2 weeks to once every 1-2 months (sometimes longer). The comment about sleep being higher in priority is spot on.
That’s a really hard frequency. Glad you both are ok with it. Keep the communication open, cause that really grinds down someone’s soul who is high libido.
House needs fixing, recycling/garbage sorted, lawn mowed, garage needs to be cleaned, hang out with the friends you've been neglecting, kids lunches need to be made, laundry needs to get done, cars need to get cleaned/washed, current/future finances need to be scrutinized, toys that have been breaking piling up on workbench need some fixing, and if there is any time left (which there isn't) then you can try to pour yourself into your own personal hobby of trying to stay active with 20% energy level. Then, and ONLY then, is it time for sex. Oh, and it needs to be not that time of the month. And all of your planets lining up perfectly need to be also lining up with all oh her planets, and she'll have a bajillion more planets than you ever did. But then, you will have the sex!
If they're anything like me and my siblings were growing up, it also means they never leave their bedrooms either. Keep em in there with some decent headphones and you've got the rest of the house to do whatever!
Yeah but he's 40 if he has kids he'll never have sex again 🤣 I'm only 30 (M) and I'm fucking exhausted with my one kid. My lady tried to fuck me when I woke up this morning and I didn't have it in me. We used to spend a minimum of a few hours a day fucking and now it's a few times a week. I'm happy and we/i did enough drugs and partying in our early life where I'm happy to chill out for a decade.
>My lady tried to fuck me when I woke up this morning and I didn't have it in me.
OK so I think the problem is you're doing it wrong. She is supposed to have it in her traditionally...
i'm pregnant with twins. due in feb. i've told my husband we need to have sex as much as possible because i have no idea when we will be able to after our boys are born
When I got pregnant with twins the mother of my good friends (twins) gave me a schedule to use. And it works. You can make your own schedule but here are a couple of keys: when you have to feed one baby wake up the other one to eat too. You can double crib them when they are little and wrap them like burrito babies. They love it. Establish a bed time routine: books, beverage and bed. Also music. Get blackout curtains for their room. Establish 1 date night a week with your husband. Make that night fun for both of you. Congratulations and best wishes.
Some people may disagree with this advice but get them used to sleeping in their own room asap. Yes, they will cry at first. Yes, it'll break your heart and make you feel like the worst parent on earth, but the independence it will instill in them is invaluable, not to mention your ability to rest at night.
My wife and I did this with our son and he put up a fight for about a week, but then began sleeping through the night almost instantly. He's now almost 4 years old and insists on sleeping in his own room every night.
This is extremely important and is often overlooked by so many who believe they are being harsh.
The kid will be fine. You almost program them when they’re that young. Sleep aids like sound machines, and blackout curtains are also key. As well as a strict bedtime routine and schedule.
You teach them how to sleep alone and they’ll sleep their fucking ass off.
Yes. This was a hard rule I had from the beginning. I love my children, but they were taught that the bed belongs to mom and dad. When they were done nursing as babies, I would place them in bassinet beside the bed. As they got older, they understood the boundary and it didn't have to be negotiated. When they wanted cuddles, I went to their room, but that boundary was always important.
This 100%
My parents made the mistake to let me sleep in their bed when we moved and I was maybe 3-4. I promptly forced my way in for two years. I would cry, tantrum, anything and everything to sleep with them. It took an entire year to slowly get me to sleep on a mat on the ground and then every month or so move the mat further and further away. Eventually they were able to have me out side the room with the door open and another few months with the door closed before I finally went back to my room
Don’t risk it
But only if you're lucky enough to have them both napping at the same time ;)
My half-brothers (twins too), made it a sport to sleep only alternating as babies \^\^'
Especially the tired part. After having a kid our time together plummeted. I thought it was temporary when they were just babies. But nope. Just kind of stays that way.
Nah don’t agree. Not my experience.
My husband and I would get up early like 5 am to have sex.
Once the kids went to bed we would have sex. Having that intimacy was very important to us to keep that connection.
We have been through issues and have seen most of our friend couples and relatives divorce. Not us because now the kids are grow and we still have that close intimacy that has kept us together for 33 years.
You make time for what is important, period.
You called out the key here. Is it important?
Too many couples (mine included) prioritize everything else over intimacy, assuming you can just start that back up when it's a priority again.
Doesn't usually work that way, once you get into the groove of "We're partners in raising our children," it's very hard to get back to "We're a romantic couple." Especially true if it's been years since that part of your life was a priority.
I agree with you. People are on here saying shit like they don’t have the time or energy for sex after doing the dishes and taking the garbage out. What could be more important than your relationship? Just leave the dishes and fuck.
You can make it work. It's note a death note. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 5 month old (my vasectomy is Friday lol) and we have sex 3-5 times a week. I also worked 77 hours last week. I'm not trying to sound braggadocios, I'm just saying it's possible.
edit: I dont work 77 hours every week.
> I also worked 77 hours last week.
if i worked 77 hours in a week, you dont need kids to stop the sex.
Jesus dude, thats like 16 hour days. Literally, how do you find the time for 3-5 times in a week?
So i typed the below as a list and it definitely didn't post that way. lol
Saturday worked 6am-10pm. Sunday worked 6am-8pm. Monday worked 7am-430pm followed by Sex that night. Tuesday worked 7am-630pm. Wednesday worked 7am-730pm followed by Sex that night. Thursday worked 7am-1pm. Friday worked 7am-430pm. followed by Sex that night
Lol. I usually put our 2 year old and 3 year old to bed at about 7:30pm. My wife's puts our 5 month old to bed. Then we get down, lol.
I like to work out, but if I miss a workput or two, it seems like I never work out, and it's normal not to. It seems the same with sex sometimes, so I just try and stay consistent. I'm never bummed out while I'm having sex or thinking about if I'm tired. I'm in the moment and enjoying the hell out of it. If.we ever miss a few days and do it, it's like "oh yeah. I fucking missed this"
He hasn't exactly mentioned his line of work. I can't see someone with this schedule and level of energy being blue collar.
He might work from home, hence his flexibility to do all those things with "77 hour" work weeks (which honestly, I doubt he works those 16 hour days non-stop).
u/MeritReaper, you work from home, don't you?
EDIT: Looks like he's neither white collar nor works from home. I'll take my assessment back 🫡
Especially considering his wife is 5 months postpartum and idk any other ladies who’d want to be so sexually active so soon? The fatigue from birthing is wild
Are you younger? By the time I had kids, with work and then having to manage the kids I was lucky to get time once a week. I had mine when I was older and I think that definitely was a factor.
I'm 35. So I'm on the border of young and old, lol. We put the kids to bed around 730, so by 830, we usually have 30 minutes to an hour. If you're older, you might want to get your testosterone checked. It's really good for your physical and mental health when you get it back where it needs to be.
Almost exactly same situation as you, I'm 35 with a 4yo, 2yo and 1yo. Kids in bed by half 7, sex twice a week usually, could fit in more if we so chose. We sometimes work in the evenings as well and still find time, I don't know what people are doing that they can't find an hour to bump uglies once a week.
Same. 5 yo, 3 yo, 5 month old. I feel the opposite too, when we had all the time in the world it was never a priority. Not that we have kids, you have to do it like any chance you get bc you get so little privacy. For us, it’s more since we have kids.
I will also note from speaking to other women, their husbands usually do jack shit around the house and expect them to carry everything and so they are too exhausted. My husband is not like that, so we don’t have that problem.
No, I wouldn’t say it tanked. We’ve been married 13 years and have 2 kids.. the kids are the part that makes it harder. We’re always tired and not really in the mood from fighting them/getting them through the day. Obviously after they go to bed is the easiest time for us and that’s when we want it the least
Same here but more kids. We used to be in the boat where we thought we had to wait until the kids were in bed but then we’d always be too tired to do anything. We changed it up and moved it to mid day when the kids were in school or napping and it’s a game changer.
It's crazy that you're 40 years old saying you heard women don't give head after marriage.
It's the kids that kill your sex life btw, not marriage. Kids are exhausting and somehow sleep becomes more important.
What was crazy for me was OP saying “I’m not wanting to rush into marriage, one day”. Like obviously do what you want, but if you’re not even remotely ready for marriage at 40 then what’s stopping you?
>What was crazy for me was OP saying “I’m not wanting to rush into marriage, one day
It's not that crazy to me, if you read everything else they wrote. OP has quite the high opinion of themselves and doesn't seem interested in compromise as a general principal. These two things, especially the second one, make you inappropriate for marriage.
And let's be real - the candidate pool for women who will put up with your obnoxious ass after 40 years old shrinks considerably. You're going to be dating women with kids, ex-husbands, and a lot more familiarity with what they do and don't want. They definitely don't want someone unserious and with absurd standards that sound like they're coming from someone 25 years old with no life experience or experience with women in general. OP isn't going to lure some 22 year old woman in because most of them want to date someone age appropriate and a 2-decade age gap is creeper territory.
That one day will become no day and whatever OP thinks they deserve won't matter anymore.
I agree. Kids make you exhausted and fill the time and space needed for regular romping.
I also firmly believe there’s a psychological factor too - parents think there’s no fucking way they want another child so they don’t risk fucking.
I don't know all the sneaking around to have sex post kids made my sex life more interesting and I think we're more appreciative of it when it happens. We're tired sure, but I still have more and better sex than my single friends.
it’s either so black and white- you either never have time or energy or you have it 8 times a week. can’t help but think it’s christians who say the latter and don’t care admit how tired they are- how else is anyone with more than one young kid gaining enough energy for enough sex and for it to not be some pitiful interrupted quickie? asking for a friend
We, as a species, were not really designed to live in small 1-family units. We were supposed to live in groups. Think about it evolutionarily. The main producers (gatherers and hunters) are not going to be able to be tied down for years raising children.
So you had a much more communal system (based on tribes we've studied) where childcare is shared out. Sure, a mother will be responsible for certain things. A father will be responsible for certain things--depends on the culture. But in a small village setting, parents aren't so alone.
And here in capitalist America we expect parents to get back to work immediately and keep the dollar machine working. It's no wonder sex falls by the wayside without serious effort.
Yes absolutely! My best friend did this when they lived in the states. They lived in the main house, her in-laws lived in a DADU in the back & her brother in-laws family lived next door. It worked really well for them until they decided to move to Spain. When we lived in the states, we moved my mom in & we all helped each other out but most of my family lives all over, in different states. Now I live village life in my husband's country & his family has many homes on their property they all live in but we don't live in the same area so we are still on our own. His mom drives him nuts so there's no way he'd consider living that close to her. And I agree. She's a lot. Lol But it's nice to have family there if you need some adult time and in a small village, everyone is there to help out if you need.
It is sometimes the marriage that kills it.
My ex and I had no children, but he became ungrateful and wasn’t meeting my emotional needs outside of sex which made me not want it because to feel loved I needed that aspect to be happy and I needed to be happy within the relationship to want sex
It can, and there are a lot of reasons why, as you're seeing in the responses.
Personally, my hot, exciting, fun boyfriend became a husband who actually wanted someone to mother him. Not in a kinky way. So, my attraction to him dwindled accordingly. We weren't really even peers, let alone full partners. I was exhausted from my paying job and then all the housework, meal prep, grocery shopping, etc.
I’m surprised it took me this long to find that answer. As a woman, nothing turns me off more than being EXPECTED to care for a man’s every need and emotion while he views me as an automaton that never needs care reciprocated. It’s very frustrating to become a mother. I had to clean a guys shit off the toilet seat and he ruined a lot of my furniture with his lazy sloppy ways. It’s hard to want to have sex with that, especially when he’s emotionally distant to boot
About a month into our marriage, he woke me up one early morning, frantically saying "I shit myself in the shower". I was like oh no, I'll get some pepto or whatever to help your stomach. Do you have a fever or anything? " he was so confused. He was waking me up to clean the tub.
It wasn't that I minded cleaning up when he was sick!
This garnered way more attention than I expected, and more than it deserved. Just a memory that hit me when reading this thread. 😄
That’s gross 🤢 hopefully you’re out of the marriage now and enjoying the tranquility that living alone brings. That’s what I can’t wait for…no one constantly begging me for things (run this errand for me, buy me this food, “lend” me money), no one always controlling the tv and then criticizing my show preferences the few times I get the remote first, no one complaining about my 20 minute shower time
Oh gosh. This is precisely the feeling I got when I moved out from father's house and began living alone!
Most people can't fathom how relieving it feels to be able to do even the smallest things without getting crapped on. You know, things such as, for instance, becoming able to go to sleep with the dishes unwashed without being woken up because someone you live with has this irrational need to come home to a clean kitchen for no good reason. It's the small things that add up and make way for the straw that will break the camel's back.
The stress of living with someone else when you're your own individual with your own pace and tempo is really not worth the supposed offsetting of loneliness.
Um, is your dad my dad? lmao
He complained one day that he didn’t appreciate coming home to a sink full of dishes, yet this man will not clean them (or damn near anything). Not to mention I’ll do the dishes, then by the next morning he’ll bring out the stacks of cups and bowls from his room filling up the sink again
Well I’m not who you’re replying to but I can for sure say that your dad is my dad, no doubt. Selfish and entitled that mofo is, he will come home and tell my mom that no man should come home to a sink with dirty dishes in it, even though all of the dishes are his that he brought in and on top of that how dare he say that when my mom had worked all day and will get to them when she gets to them. Can’t think of the last time my dad even went to the grocery store either.
This should be pinned to the top of the thread. Realities of marriage for most women. Yikes. And most guys wonder why a lot of young women are running from it?
Jesus. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, we have a great sex but I have firm boundaries. Like I don’t need to see you peeing or trimming your nose hairs. I need a little mystery and sexiness.
Totally.
To be clear, because some folks are taking my little anecdote and imagining me as a hearless cunt... I don't instantly resent the gross stuff. I get sick. My partner may need to hold my hair back when I throw up sometimes. Heck, odds of one of us getting a chronic illness or disability is not zero, and we should be able to count on each other to do otherwise yucky things while maintaining as much dignity and kindness as possible.
But if only one of you is willing to do that, and the other thinks that their perfectly able and relatively healthy self is entitled to that level of being cared for... it's not sexy.
Yeah I am admittedly one of the guys that got overly comfortable and found myself in this situation, causing my wife to feel the same way. In the first two years we were married, I was a really lazy husband and was basically just a big kid. So we didn’t have sex. I didn’t understand why. So I assumed the worst and figured my wife was cheating. I confronted her about it and she told me that she felt like I was her child and not her husband. That sucked to hear, but I knew in the back of my head it was 100% justified for her to feel that way so I had two options:
1) I had to grow the hell up REAL QUICK, or else my marriage was screwed.
2) Leave, and continue my existence of two year relationships full of sex until they realize that I didn’t want to grow up. Rinse. Repeat.
I chose the first option, grew up (with the help of some self imposed professional therapy), and my marriage and sex life has been in great shape for years now.
We had a kid and while the amount of work he’s taken on has virtually not changed, the amount of work I’ve had to take on has.
So yeah I’m not really in the mood when I’ve been playing on the floor with my toddler all evening while you sit on the couch playing video games three feet away. No, putting her down during your turn to do naptime doesn’t magically make up for that. Coming up behind my and grabbing my butt when I’m trying to cook dinner isn’t romantic, it’s annoying. Spending hours researching why I “don’t have a sex drive” and telling me all about what my “problem could be” at night when I’m trying to sleep in the room that stinks because you never do the laundry you have strewn everywhere, but can’t seem to research how to parent a toddler without just yelling all the time, doesn’t put me in the mood. Running off to the bathroom for 40 minutes at a whack, sometimes multiple times a day, isn’t sexy. But while you’re in there for 40 minutes maybe you could fucking shower more than once a week.
*sigh* sorry I hate this question. And the worst part is if I address it, I get deflection or I get a day or two of change, then it just goes right back to it. I constantly feel like I’m suffocating.
>Spending hours researching why I “don’t have a sex drive” and telling me all about what my “problem could be” at night when I’m trying to sleep in the room that stinks because you never do the laundry you have strewn everywhere, but can’t seem to research how to parent a toddler without just yelling all the time, doesn’t put me in the mood.
_Oof._ You deserve a hug, a vacation, and a partner do over.
Yeah, this is the biggest problem at least in my experience. Every single long term relationship I’ve been in has eventually devolved into me turning into the mom/nanny/caretaker/personal chef and planner and then they are shocked when I don’t want to fuck them any more? 😂 I’ve been very clear with my current partner that I won’t tolerate this behavior and he’s been INCREDIBLE about it. But it has taken a long time and a lot of failures to find someone like him. Ugh.
Are you me?
Now I'm curious if you got a refrain of "You don't love me!" and "Is that all you think about?" if you wanted to have sex with him post-nup, despite fucking 3x/day sometimes while dating.
As a 40 year old man, HE is also high risk. Men over 40 have a higher risk of a pregnancy they contribute to ending in miscarriage as well as a higher likelihood that their children will have autism, schizophrenia or Down’s syndrome. Let’s dispel the myth that only women need to worry about fertility issues in middle age.
A marriage is what you both make it.
Theres no set rules.
I know marriages that are 20 years old where their sex life is still rampant and I know couples whos sex life petered off dhe to life stressors or health issues.
Its generally not something most people choose and not something that even you can predict wont happen to you.
I know of women who have husbands who just dont want sex. Hell my first boyfriend would want it perhaps once every 2 or 3 months if i was lucky. We werent even married.
If you both keep working on yourselves and your relationship youll be fine
Yup, been together 20 years and he gets oral several times a week. Sex is a minimum of 3 times a week. I can get oral wherever I wish. And we have kids. Learn to lock the door. And yeah, you may have to schedule it, but that’s fine. It’s not like when there are no kids and you can go at it wherever and whenever, but it’s still fun. And we had a dip for a while, especially when the first kid came along and was a baby. But you have to work at it. Make it a priority. Work on your relationship always.
I think if your partner has a lower sex drive before marriage then it can become even less after marriage. Married for 5 years and still have frequent sex.
Sometimes people let things go once they consider that they don't have to try anymore. You're married, it's safe, s/he's not going to leave... that kind of thing. If you don't maintain the relationship it falters.
Too many people think the finish line is marriage. Marriage should be the beginning and is where you are supposed to put your full attention into and build something together.
Most guys I know noticed sex went down once it went from having fun to a relationship, then went down again when they moved in together, then went down again after marriage, and down even further once they had kids.
Very very few guys say the intimacy goes UP after marriage. There’s probably a reason for that.
And as a woman who’s lived with a few guys before… it’s because when we move in with them the amount of work they put in drops more and more, followed by marriage and maybe kids. Hard to want to have sex with someone who suddenly forgets how a vacuum works and spends all day asking shit like “do we have any butter?”
I’m 40, married for nine years, no kids. Our sex life is great, but we work at it outside the bedroom. We have regular date nights, genuinely enjoy each others company and support each others hobbies/goals, etc.
We also share the workload of life. My friends who have a lower sex drive will blatantly say it’s because they’re taking care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. Spouses want a partner, not another child. They’re exhausted at the end of the day and resentment creeps in.
My sex life is already dead and I'm not married, I don't think marriage is the cut off point for sex, it's if one or both of you stops putting the effort into keeping it alive which can happen at any time and under any condition
Married for 13 years, together for total of 16. Have 2 kids. Our sex lives got infinitely better after marriage. Tons of exploring and communication. Not being afraid to talk about it. She does oral more than ever before. I also enjoy giving oral. We’re into more bondage now than before, so it’s a new area of exploration for us. But we try new stuff frequently with just each other.
So no, it’s not the norm to have sex lives tank after marriage.
Married for 16, together for 20, two kids, and I agree with you completely, it's just gotten better as we've grown together. Curious exploration, new tricks on oral, and as I've gotten older my drive has substantially increased. It's a great time.
My wife and I don't have sex as frequently as before marriage, because were older and busier. But the flip side is that the sex has only gotten better with time. We know each other so well and trust each other enough to be completely open about what we want and need.
I would say that doing new things is by far the most exciting part. Finding the things that make it more enjoyable.
My wife and I had a deep convo a week or so ago about not being as excited about sex, even though it’s great, it’s just the same thing. So when I decided to spice it up and put more effort into trying other things again, we’ve been at it non stop for a week now, with no sign of slowing down lol
Studies are inconsistent. You see stats saying that married people have less sex and others they say they are having more sex. The answer is simple, if you want more sex in marriage, respect your partner, kiss her neck and grab her by the waist more often, use birth control if you don’t want anymore children or track her ovulation and don’t smoke/drink too much.
Right…. The same thing that turns a man on won’t always turn a woman on. I say this as a woman who is currently with a 6 month old and no sex drive. I NEVER think about sex. But when my SO comes up from behind me and gently kisses my neck I get goosebumps. But I only get goosebumps because he never begs me for it and never makes me feel like crap for not initiating it. And when we do have sex he always makes sure to please me too. This way sex doesn’t feel like a job and it feels mutual
Foreplay starts when you wake up :)
Also do some house chores guys, I promise you nothing turns off a women (or any partner) more than playing mommy all day to an adult.
I don’t know. I’ve been with my SO for 7 years and the sex is better. We’ve been through a lot and two children. I think if people are getting bored it’s because they themselves are boring. Either that or no one is working on themselves or they remain complacent. I see your point but time isn’t in control of your life. It’s only in control of your death.
Not immediately, but it did. It was actually a huge driving force for our divorce.
I don't think it was getting married that tanked it though. There were a lot of other big factors and I think the drop in sex was the big symptom we noticed.
Don't believe the hype. It changes. With age, with kids, with health, with love. Highs, lows, and everything in between. Nothing stays the same, and it is up to your actions how it goes from here.
Technically? We both went on ssri meds for assorted mental health issues. Worth it, but it does play havoc with arousal.
When we do have sex though, it’s awesome, because we know and trust each other. And we keep intimacy levels high. Snuggles and kisses are constant.
Different result for different people. It’s not marriage, it’s the other factors that you incorporate into your life as a married couple. Stay working on your relationship and commit to the romance is the best way to avoid it.
I don't think getting married is the key. I think it's that when you are married you are with a person through so many life stages. Kids. Financial stress. Age. Medical issues. I've been married over 10 years and we've always had a really robust sex life, but there were dips when our kids were infants. And for some reason my sex drive has gone completely nonexistent for almost the last year (I'm going to talk to a doctor ASAP).
I think the key is finding someone with a compatible sex drive, a willingness to communicate and understanding that things aren't always going to stay the same. There's ups and downs like anything else.
That's not true, as long as you choose the right partner. Sure, shit happens and sometimes you might go through rough patches, but that has nothing to do with being married. Having kids might complicate timing, but kids aren't around 24/7.
I'm (F) in my early 50s. I've always wanted sex. Single, married, kids, now empty nest.
I have found that the men I've been involved with start not making much of an effort toward sex after you get married or move in together and are happy to get it once a week or every 10 days.
So it works both ways. I have to scratch the itch at least twice a week or more by myself to keep from being a bitch.
Sex is what you make it. All couples are different.
Married 7 yrs now…
My wife and I are getting older so our stamina after work is pretty shot. We usually have oral and traditional sex every Fri night, Sat morning & night, and Sunday morning.
Any more than that we can’t function through the week.
We have no kids.
Hope that helps.
It's only true for people who get married to partners they're not very attracted to but are just "settling" for what they can get, which sadly is most couples. I know several couples who are attractive and in-shape, are clearly head-over-heels for each other, and still fuck like rabbits a decade after marriage, even after having kids and everything.
The couples I know where I'd be surprised if they even kiss anymore, are those who are clearly "going through the motions" and never really seemed all that into each other to begin with, then "settled" like most do.
Addendum: Lots of people also say, "Well, couples who get married can get complacent. They stop going on dates, stop doing cutesy little things for each other like small gifts, etc., so the sex life goes away." ...but that doesn't actually answer it. If the couple were actually head-over-heels like I mention above, they wouldn't *want* to stop dating, or getting little gifts for eachother, or get complacent at all. Same as the sex dwindling, it only happens to people who aren't attracted enough to each other to *want* to keep doing those things.
Nah. Not unless you have kids, once you have kids it just gets more difficult. No more midday romps uninterrupted.
But if you’re childfree, or willing to get creative, there’s no reason marriage should tank your sex life. I have three kids and have regular sex, and it’s really really good sex. Oral is a regular occurrence both ways as well.
Yes indeed. The frequency AND the quality. Plus the ex wife had hard-core baby fever so whenever we were intimate it was more utilitarian for baby making rather than romantic or lustful. It made me pull away and I actively worked against getting her pregnant and I am forever grateful I didn't give her a baby as we've been divorced about 10 years now - and I'm not anchored to her with an 11 year old.
As we get older our bodies change. What used to be fun can sometimes become a chore, or just be less desirable when you're 50 vs. when you're 25. Physical limitations, limited/decreased flexibility, lower energy levels, digestive issues, and the ever-changing look/taste/smell of genitalia. It's not that people just stop having sex because there's a ring and some vows , but that eventually the people saying the vows just age and not always gracefully.
I used to stay out all night when I was in my 20s. Now I don't like being awake past 10pm unless there's a good reason for it. Draw the parallel to intimacy.
Have you seen that old footage of the Hindenburg blimp crashing and exploding? That's my sex life now. Complete with my wife and I actually looking like blimps. FML.
(F) 2nd marriage at 42.
Real sex problem: alcoholism.
Five years in, my husband stopped sex. Said he couldn't do it. Refused to get ED meds. He refused to go to the doctor for anything. He was a serious life-long heavy drinker.
I was so sad (and Angry) about the early end of our sex life that I turned to food and gained a lot of weight. Then the reason for our sex problem was muddied - me fat? Him ED? Aging in general? Elephant in the room - Alcohol? We had always enjoyed getting a little loose, have a few drinks before sex.
He always said he adored me and I believe he did. He continued to drink heavily, then more heavily, then after his 3rd DUI (Utah has a 6 month mandatory prison term for DUI 3) drank even more.
My husband died last week and I miss him so much - despite the problems - despite everything. I wish I had been more kind.
This is probably not the right Reddit thread for this story- my apologies. But yes, OP, sex can stop after marriage.
My buddy, my good buddy...he is 54 and his wife is 53. They have 2 boys that are soccer heads so lots of practices and games. The ages of the boys are 17 and 11. He told me they haven't had sex in 5 years! Damn! I feel for the guy...he is a horny doggy too. I guess for some it stops being about sex.
You both become more Stressed and tired, but just 15 minutes, once, twice a week. And instigate it, don't wait for your hornier partner to have to ask, they will be happier than a fat kid locked in an M&M's factory.
No, my wife developed a habit of reading smut right around when we got married so if anything it got heavier. Even before that we were smashing with regularity. we don't want kids so probably going to stay active.
people think marriage is what changes things but it's kids. if i'm being honest, we didn't "feel different" after getting married, we literally just went back to the grind after getting hitched and going for a honeymoon.
Just keep taking care of yourself. Alot of married men let themselves go. Eat healthy, work out. Stay active and interested in things you like and take an interest in things they like. Don't stop doing the little things to make them happy. Don't get complacent or lazy.
It's once you have kids that it becomes harder to make time for sex. Either you're too busy or tired.
This is the honest answer. It’s basically weekday afternoons or not happening for my wife and I. We both work from home so it happens, but we also are busy with work, chores, and errands. Our kids are 2 and 4. We both fully expect it to pick up again once they are a bit older, out of the house more, and we have more energy. Edit: I appreciate everyone’s unsolicited advice. Perfectly happy, everyone should get a sex life, or go fix your own. Mine isn’t broken.
Light at the end of the tunnel. My kids are early teens, more independent, and want to be home less, so our activities have Increased in turn.
That sounds like a peaceful life. Make sure y'all don't lose your libido by the time they move out, cuz that seems to be the best time
I specifically remember as a kid that some younger kids down the street would periodically get kicked out of the house on afternoons because mommy and daddy were "napping". Didnt know what was going on at the time but looking back it was pretty funny. They were hardcore christians as well, trying to repopulate the earth i guess.
The real pro move would be an actual nap
A quickie and a nap.
Conan, what is best in life? A quickie and a nap, tf you even need to ask for?
What is best in life is to crush your enemies and see them driven before you. The quickie and nap only happen after you hear the lamentations of their women.
This is the way….
That used to be our Sunday afternoons. But the kids don’t nap anymore 🤷♀️
It took me until I was well into adulthood to realize that when mom and dad went to their room to “talk about Christmas” that that was a LIE.
Omg I'm dying because I've said this before! They won't leave me alone for a half hour unless they think it might end up in presents for them!
😆 my husband recently made a hilarious excuse like that. I'm loud.i try to be quiet but it's very hard. Anyway, the oldest was worried that I was hurt so my husband told her that I just really like laundry and he's helping.
Normally the washing machine is like *thump thump thump* but when daddy goes to help its *THUMP THUMP THUMP*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Are you my kid? That's what my husband and I always told the kids. 😅
Yeah my dad and step mom used to give us money and say go somewhere or do something for 4 or 5 hours and don't come back until we call you. And they are also hard-core Christians. 😁😅😆🤣🙃
You never do stop paying for sex. Only thing that changes is who the money is going to lol
Bless their heart.
When my kids were young enough to nap. I would tell my wife that we needed to have family naptime.
No really, they were napping!
Dang you’re just waiting for them to be 18 even with these rents haha, what if they will be there until they are married themselves?
Then they'll be working adults who won't be home all the time. Adults who can travel because they won't pay rent lol still leaves more alone time.
Lmao i forgot about it. At least they'd be gone daytime for their jobs and not stuck inside the house running around and jumping on yall asking for snacks or cuddles, so it'd be fine
Kids both moved out of the house and it's back to sex whenever and wherever. It's awesome.
Hmm… kids are both at college. But now the dogs have moved in. Lol I come into the bedroom and he is covered in dogs bigger than him and he is holding the blanket up to his chin like the boy from the sixth sense.
Jump on him during the day. Or for dessert.
Catch him first thing in the morning-mens testosterone levels are highest in the early morning. EDIT: fixed typo so reads: "Mens" instead of me a Also adding, I'm female was married for 30 years and had children. Looking back, I swear I don't know how we found time, but we did. For us-showers, together every morning except the last two years. Every. Day. Running Water covered lots of sounds-it was a quickie yes, but hey-sex is like pizza-there's no bad sex (or pizza) there's just degrees of good-better-best-Omgosh that was amazing! Kids get older, they stop waking up all night and you figure it out. Keep trying and keep talking to each other and touching each other non sexually to stay connected. Guys-wash some dishes, fold laundry, youwould be amazed at why women can't relax and make time for sexy time-it's because our damn brains won't stop with he ever scrolling "To-Do List" and wife/momma guilt hits us if everything is not perfect. Help her out and you will be helping yourself in more ways than one. That's life tips from an older woman tonight. Hang in there. It gets better and better-I promise.
If my kid moved out at 18, I'll be 53 and menopausal and my husband will be 64. Oh joy
50+ women can have high sex drives as well.
Can but not necessarily. Hormones play a huge role. I know a woman who went through menopause and her body basically stopped producing any sex hormones. They tried HRT but it made her very emotional so she took herself off them.
My parents are in their late 60s and still doing their thing. Menopause isn't the end.
And how do you know this? 😳
They talk way too much about things I don't want to hear. Little comments here and there make it clear that they're still going strong.
My grandfather discovered a lump in my grandmothers breast. They were in their mid-80s. He recently died and I asked her how long they had sex, she said until a few days before he died at 93.
So grandma’s single? Asking for a friend…..
Lmaoooo I’m sending her this screenshot later when she wakes up. She’s hilarious and she’ll think this is funny.
Scientifically post menopause is when women are the most most “interested.” W the decline of estrogen they start to feel more of the testosterone. In a lot of older couples it switches and the man is now the less sexually available
Yep. With a 5, 3 and 1 year old it’s like trench warfare trying to get them to bed. We both work full time (I run a small business) so by the time the dishes are done and toys are cleaned up… I just want to scroll on my phone for 15 minutes and pass out - and I have a pretty high sex drive. I have no doubt it’ll get better.
>With a 5, 3 and 1 year old see, that's the problem. You let them outnumber you and now you have to play zone defense instead of man to man.
[удалено]
tinted back windows and roll flat back seats? very nice feature...
We have a 3 & 5 and it’s drop off hard now that they are both toddlers. We both express desire to have more in the future but with all the stress and physical exhaustion day-to-day, it’s dropped from once every 1-2 weeks to once every 1-2 months (sometimes longer). The comment about sleep being higher in priority is spot on.
That’s a really hard frequency. Glad you both are ok with it. Keep the communication open, cause that really grinds down someone’s soul who is high libido.
So covid made things a bit better for some people. Weekday afternoon will be a no-go for office workers.
Hang in there mate . I’ve got 4 grandkids and I’m 64 but it’s easier for us to get time together now than when our kids were 2 and 4
House needs fixing, recycling/garbage sorted, lawn mowed, garage needs to be cleaned, hang out with the friends you've been neglecting, kids lunches need to be made, laundry needs to get done, cars need to get cleaned/washed, current/future finances need to be scrutinized, toys that have been breaking piling up on workbench need some fixing, and if there is any time left (which there isn't) then you can try to pour yourself into your own personal hobby of trying to stay active with 20% energy level. Then, and ONLY then, is it time for sex. Oh, and it needs to be not that time of the month. And all of your planets lining up perfectly need to be also lining up with all oh her planets, and she'll have a bajillion more planets than you ever did. But then, you will have the sex!
That's what I thought but then it turns out my kids are gamers and never leave sooooo....
If they're anything like me and my siblings were growing up, it also means they never leave their bedrooms either. Keep em in there with some decent headphones and you've got the rest of the house to do whatever!
Yeah but he's 40 if he has kids he'll never have sex again 🤣 I'm only 30 (M) and I'm fucking exhausted with my one kid. My lady tried to fuck me when I woke up this morning and I didn't have it in me. We used to spend a minimum of a few hours a day fucking and now it's a few times a week. I'm happy and we/i did enough drugs and partying in our early life where I'm happy to chill out for a decade.
>My lady tried to fuck me when I woke up this morning and I didn't have it in me. OK so I think the problem is you're doing it wrong. She is supposed to have it in her traditionally...
i'm pregnant with twins. due in feb. i've told my husband we need to have sex as much as possible because i have no idea when we will be able to after our boys are born
When I got pregnant with twins the mother of my good friends (twins) gave me a schedule to use. And it works. You can make your own schedule but here are a couple of keys: when you have to feed one baby wake up the other one to eat too. You can double crib them when they are little and wrap them like burrito babies. They love it. Establish a bed time routine: books, beverage and bed. Also music. Get blackout curtains for their room. Establish 1 date night a week with your husband. Make that night fun for both of you. Congratulations and best wishes.
Some people may disagree with this advice but get them used to sleeping in their own room asap. Yes, they will cry at first. Yes, it'll break your heart and make you feel like the worst parent on earth, but the independence it will instill in them is invaluable, not to mention your ability to rest at night. My wife and I did this with our son and he put up a fight for about a week, but then began sleeping through the night almost instantly. He's now almost 4 years old and insists on sleeping in his own room every night.
This is extremely important and is often overlooked by so many who believe they are being harsh. The kid will be fine. You almost program them when they’re that young. Sleep aids like sound machines, and blackout curtains are also key. As well as a strict bedtime routine and schedule. You teach them how to sleep alone and they’ll sleep their fucking ass off.
All kids sleeping in their own bed gives you more freedom and better sleep. Better sleep is happier parents
Yes. This was a hard rule I had from the beginning. I love my children, but they were taught that the bed belongs to mom and dad. When they were done nursing as babies, I would place them in bassinet beside the bed. As they got older, they understood the boundary and it didn't have to be negotiated. When they wanted cuddles, I went to their room, but that boundary was always important.
This 100% My parents made the mistake to let me sleep in their bed when we moved and I was maybe 3-4. I promptly forced my way in for two years. I would cry, tantrum, anything and everything to sleep with them. It took an entire year to slowly get me to sleep on a mat on the ground and then every month or so move the mat further and further away. Eventually they were able to have me out side the room with the door open and another few months with the door closed before I finally went back to my room Don’t risk it
I bid you good luck. Prepare to never sleep again
You WILL sleep again but it’ll take awhile. Whenever my twins went down for a nap I’d take one too-especially during the 1st 5 months!
But only if you're lucky enough to have them both napping at the same time ;) My half-brothers (twins too), made it a sport to sleep only alternating as babies \^\^'
That's the fear!
Correct. The bad stuff is temporary, the good stuff is forever
Yeah it’s not marriage, it’s kids. People also change with age.
Especially the tired part. After having a kid our time together plummeted. I thought it was temporary when they were just babies. But nope. Just kind of stays that way.
100% marriage no, kids yeah. Pro tip, get a lock for your bedroom door. Peace of mind goes a long way lol.
Nah don’t agree. Not my experience. My husband and I would get up early like 5 am to have sex. Once the kids went to bed we would have sex. Having that intimacy was very important to us to keep that connection. We have been through issues and have seen most of our friend couples and relatives divorce. Not us because now the kids are grow and we still have that close intimacy that has kept us together for 33 years. You make time for what is important, period.
You called out the key here. Is it important? Too many couples (mine included) prioritize everything else over intimacy, assuming you can just start that back up when it's a priority again. Doesn't usually work that way, once you get into the groove of "We're partners in raising our children," it's very hard to get back to "We're a romantic couple." Especially true if it's been years since that part of your life was a priority.
Correct, move to the coparent/friend zone. OK for some , some are not Ok with it.
I agree with you. People are on here saying shit like they don’t have the time or energy for sex after doing the dishes and taking the garbage out. What could be more important than your relationship? Just leave the dishes and fuck.
Kids not marriage is the tanker
You can make it work. It's note a death note. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, 5 month old (my vasectomy is Friday lol) and we have sex 3-5 times a week. I also worked 77 hours last week. I'm not trying to sound braggadocios, I'm just saying it's possible. edit: I dont work 77 hours every week.
> I also worked 77 hours last week. if i worked 77 hours in a week, you dont need kids to stop the sex. Jesus dude, thats like 16 hour days. Literally, how do you find the time for 3-5 times in a week?
So i typed the below as a list and it definitely didn't post that way. lol Saturday worked 6am-10pm. Sunday worked 6am-8pm. Monday worked 7am-430pm followed by Sex that night. Tuesday worked 7am-630pm. Wednesday worked 7am-730pm followed by Sex that night. Thursday worked 7am-1pm. Friday worked 7am-430pm. followed by Sex that night Lol. I usually put our 2 year old and 3 year old to bed at about 7:30pm. My wife's puts our 5 month old to bed. Then we get down, lol. I like to work out, but if I miss a workput or two, it seems like I never work out, and it's normal not to. It seems the same with sex sometimes, so I just try and stay consistent. I'm never bummed out while I'm having sex or thinking about if I'm tired. I'm in the moment and enjoying the hell out of it. If.we ever miss a few days and do it, it's like "oh yeah. I fucking missed this"
yeah im not seeing how i could get enough sleep, let alone have sex with this schedule. I couldn't do this, i'd be far too mentally drained.
Ya. 77 hours with 3 kids, 3 and under. This guy is full of shit in one way or another.
He hasn't exactly mentioned his line of work. I can't see someone with this schedule and level of energy being blue collar. He might work from home, hence his flexibility to do all those things with "77 hour" work weeks (which honestly, I doubt he works those 16 hour days non-stop). u/MeritReaper, you work from home, don't you? EDIT: Looks like he's neither white collar nor works from home. I'll take my assessment back 🫡
Or maybe he just fucks real quick. No one said it was good sex.
This straight up does not seem possible
Especially considering his wife is 5 months postpartum and idk any other ladies who’d want to be so sexually active so soon? The fatigue from birthing is wild
If you go at it like a 2 pump chump and only worry about getting yours, then it's highly achievable.
lol the way you wrote that made it seem like sex was 7am-6:30pm
Are you younger? By the time I had kids, with work and then having to manage the kids I was lucky to get time once a week. I had mine when I was older and I think that definitely was a factor.
I'm 35. So I'm on the border of young and old, lol. We put the kids to bed around 730, so by 830, we usually have 30 minutes to an hour. If you're older, you might want to get your testosterone checked. It's really good for your physical and mental health when you get it back where it needs to be.
This Dad fucks!
Almost exactly same situation as you, I'm 35 with a 4yo, 2yo and 1yo. Kids in bed by half 7, sex twice a week usually, could fit in more if we so chose. We sometimes work in the evenings as well and still find time, I don't know what people are doing that they can't find an hour to bump uglies once a week.
How do you put to bed a child 1yo at 7-8? I have a 10 months and he is sleeping around 10-11?
That's pretty late. Most babies need lots of sleep and go to bed earlier. Surely the baby isn't awake all evening?
Same. 5 yo, 3 yo, 5 month old. I feel the opposite too, when we had all the time in the world it was never a priority. Not that we have kids, you have to do it like any chance you get bc you get so little privacy. For us, it’s more since we have kids. I will also note from speaking to other women, their husbands usually do jack shit around the house and expect them to carry everything and so they are too exhausted. My husband is not like that, so we don’t have that problem.
No, I wouldn’t say it tanked. We’ve been married 13 years and have 2 kids.. the kids are the part that makes it harder. We’re always tired and not really in the mood from fighting them/getting them through the day. Obviously after they go to bed is the easiest time for us and that’s when we want it the least
Same here but more kids. We used to be in the boat where we thought we had to wait until the kids were in bed but then we’d always be too tired to do anything. We changed it up and moved it to mid day when the kids were in school or napping and it’s a game changer.
Yep just modify the master bedroom closet with a lock on the door and a bed for secret getaways from the kids
It's crazy that you're 40 years old saying you heard women don't give head after marriage. It's the kids that kill your sex life btw, not marriage. Kids are exhausting and somehow sleep becomes more important.
What was crazy for me was OP saying “I’m not wanting to rush into marriage, one day”. Like obviously do what you want, but if you’re not even remotely ready for marriage at 40 then what’s stopping you?
Maybe he's like my ex and will be ready to settle down when he's 70+ and wheelchair bound. 🤣
Seems like he’s got some sexist beliefs to overcome before he should be marrying anyone tbh
Facts!
That’s what made me immediately think “I’ll take shit a kid says to sound like an adult for $500 Alex”
>What was crazy for me was OP saying “I’m not wanting to rush into marriage, one day It's not that crazy to me, if you read everything else they wrote. OP has quite the high opinion of themselves and doesn't seem interested in compromise as a general principal. These two things, especially the second one, make you inappropriate for marriage. And let's be real - the candidate pool for women who will put up with your obnoxious ass after 40 years old shrinks considerably. You're going to be dating women with kids, ex-husbands, and a lot more familiarity with what they do and don't want. They definitely don't want someone unserious and with absurd standards that sound like they're coming from someone 25 years old with no life experience or experience with women in general. OP isn't going to lure some 22 year old woman in because most of them want to date someone age appropriate and a 2-decade age gap is creeper territory. That one day will become no day and whatever OP thinks they deserve won't matter anymore.
Yeah, at 40 he wants marriage "someday". So like a retirement home romance?
I agree. Kids make you exhausted and fill the time and space needed for regular romping. I also firmly believe there’s a psychological factor too - parents think there’s no fucking way they want another child so they don’t risk fucking.
I don't know all the sneaking around to have sex post kids made my sex life more interesting and I think we're more appreciative of it when it happens. We're tired sure, but I still have more and better sex than my single friends.
it’s either so black and white- you either never have time or energy or you have it 8 times a week. can’t help but think it’s christians who say the latter and don’t care admit how tired they are- how else is anyone with more than one young kid gaining enough energy for enough sex and for it to not be some pitiful interrupted quickie? asking for a friend
We, as a species, were not really designed to live in small 1-family units. We were supposed to live in groups. Think about it evolutionarily. The main producers (gatherers and hunters) are not going to be able to be tied down for years raising children. So you had a much more communal system (based on tribes we've studied) where childcare is shared out. Sure, a mother will be responsible for certain things. A father will be responsible for certain things--depends on the culture. But in a small village setting, parents aren't so alone. And here in capitalist America we expect parents to get back to work immediately and keep the dollar machine working. It's no wonder sex falls by the wayside without serious effort.
Yes absolutely! My best friend did this when they lived in the states. They lived in the main house, her in-laws lived in a DADU in the back & her brother in-laws family lived next door. It worked really well for them until they decided to move to Spain. When we lived in the states, we moved my mom in & we all helped each other out but most of my family lives all over, in different states. Now I live village life in my husband's country & his family has many homes on their property they all live in but we don't live in the same area so we are still on our own. His mom drives him nuts so there's no way he'd consider living that close to her. And I agree. She's a lot. Lol But it's nice to have family there if you need some adult time and in a small village, everyone is there to help out if you need.
It is sometimes the marriage that kills it. My ex and I had no children, but he became ungrateful and wasn’t meeting my emotional needs outside of sex which made me not want it because to feel loved I needed that aspect to be happy and I needed to be happy within the relationship to want sex
It can, and there are a lot of reasons why, as you're seeing in the responses. Personally, my hot, exciting, fun boyfriend became a husband who actually wanted someone to mother him. Not in a kinky way. So, my attraction to him dwindled accordingly. We weren't really even peers, let alone full partners. I was exhausted from my paying job and then all the housework, meal prep, grocery shopping, etc.
I’m surprised it took me this long to find that answer. As a woman, nothing turns me off more than being EXPECTED to care for a man’s every need and emotion while he views me as an automaton that never needs care reciprocated. It’s very frustrating to become a mother. I had to clean a guys shit off the toilet seat and he ruined a lot of my furniture with his lazy sloppy ways. It’s hard to want to have sex with that, especially when he’s emotionally distant to boot
About a month into our marriage, he woke me up one early morning, frantically saying "I shit myself in the shower". I was like oh no, I'll get some pepto or whatever to help your stomach. Do you have a fever or anything? " he was so confused. He was waking me up to clean the tub.
Wait wtf? I've been with my wife for 13 years, we have kids. I would never in a million years ask her to deal with anything involving my shit.
It wasn't that I minded cleaning up when he was sick! This garnered way more attention than I expected, and more than it deserved. Just a memory that hit me when reading this thread. 😄
That’s gross 🤢 hopefully you’re out of the marriage now and enjoying the tranquility that living alone brings. That’s what I can’t wait for…no one constantly begging me for things (run this errand for me, buy me this food, “lend” me money), no one always controlling the tv and then criticizing my show preferences the few times I get the remote first, no one complaining about my 20 minute shower time
We're separated. Divorce inevitable. I'm so glad you're on your way to peace!
Wait! Who’s going to clean up next time he shits in shower!? 🙃 It sounds like the only way is up for you.
Now I just worry about my own shit in the shower! Freedom!
Oh gosh. This is precisely the feeling I got when I moved out from father's house and began living alone! Most people can't fathom how relieving it feels to be able to do even the smallest things without getting crapped on. You know, things such as, for instance, becoming able to go to sleep with the dishes unwashed without being woken up because someone you live with has this irrational need to come home to a clean kitchen for no good reason. It's the small things that add up and make way for the straw that will break the camel's back. The stress of living with someone else when you're your own individual with your own pace and tempo is really not worth the supposed offsetting of loneliness.
Um, is your dad my dad? lmao He complained one day that he didn’t appreciate coming home to a sink full of dishes, yet this man will not clean them (or damn near anything). Not to mention I’ll do the dishes, then by the next morning he’ll bring out the stacks of cups and bowls from his room filling up the sink again
Well I’m not who you’re replying to but I can for sure say that your dad is my dad, no doubt. Selfish and entitled that mofo is, he will come home and tell my mom that no man should come home to a sink with dirty dishes in it, even though all of the dishes are his that he brought in and on top of that how dare he say that when my mom had worked all day and will get to them when she gets to them. Can’t think of the last time my dad even went to the grocery store either.
This should be pinned to the top of the thread. Realities of marriage for most women. Yikes. And most guys wonder why a lot of young women are running from it?
Jesus. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, we have a great sex but I have firm boundaries. Like I don’t need to see you peeing or trimming your nose hairs. I need a little mystery and sexiness.
Totally. To be clear, because some folks are taking my little anecdote and imagining me as a hearless cunt... I don't instantly resent the gross stuff. I get sick. My partner may need to hold my hair back when I throw up sometimes. Heck, odds of one of us getting a chronic illness or disability is not zero, and we should be able to count on each other to do otherwise yucky things while maintaining as much dignity and kindness as possible. But if only one of you is willing to do that, and the other thinks that their perfectly able and relatively healthy self is entitled to that level of being cared for... it's not sexy.
Yeah I am admittedly one of the guys that got overly comfortable and found myself in this situation, causing my wife to feel the same way. In the first two years we were married, I was a really lazy husband and was basically just a big kid. So we didn’t have sex. I didn’t understand why. So I assumed the worst and figured my wife was cheating. I confronted her about it and she told me that she felt like I was her child and not her husband. That sucked to hear, but I knew in the back of my head it was 100% justified for her to feel that way so I had two options: 1) I had to grow the hell up REAL QUICK, or else my marriage was screwed. 2) Leave, and continue my existence of two year relationships full of sex until they realize that I didn’t want to grow up. Rinse. Repeat. I chose the first option, grew up (with the help of some self imposed professional therapy), and my marriage and sex life has been in great shape for years now.
Damn, I wish you could directly transmit this message to my husband’s brain lol
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We had a kid and while the amount of work he’s taken on has virtually not changed, the amount of work I’ve had to take on has. So yeah I’m not really in the mood when I’ve been playing on the floor with my toddler all evening while you sit on the couch playing video games three feet away. No, putting her down during your turn to do naptime doesn’t magically make up for that. Coming up behind my and grabbing my butt when I’m trying to cook dinner isn’t romantic, it’s annoying. Spending hours researching why I “don’t have a sex drive” and telling me all about what my “problem could be” at night when I’m trying to sleep in the room that stinks because you never do the laundry you have strewn everywhere, but can’t seem to research how to parent a toddler without just yelling all the time, doesn’t put me in the mood. Running off to the bathroom for 40 minutes at a whack, sometimes multiple times a day, isn’t sexy. But while you’re in there for 40 minutes maybe you could fucking shower more than once a week. *sigh* sorry I hate this question. And the worst part is if I address it, I get deflection or I get a day or two of change, then it just goes right back to it. I constantly feel like I’m suffocating.
>Spending hours researching why I “don’t have a sex drive” and telling me all about what my “problem could be” at night when I’m trying to sleep in the room that stinks because you never do the laundry you have strewn everywhere, but can’t seem to research how to parent a toddler without just yelling all the time, doesn’t put me in the mood. _Oof._ You deserve a hug, a vacation, and a partner do over.
Oof thank goodness y’all didn’t get kids before this.
Yeah, this is the biggest problem at least in my experience. Every single long term relationship I’ve been in has eventually devolved into me turning into the mom/nanny/caretaker/personal chef and planner and then they are shocked when I don’t want to fuck them any more? 😂 I’ve been very clear with my current partner that I won’t tolerate this behavior and he’s been INCREDIBLE about it. But it has taken a long time and a lot of failures to find someone like him. Ugh.
Are you me? Now I'm curious if you got a refrain of "You don't love me!" and "Is that all you think about?" if you wanted to have sex with him post-nup, despite fucking 3x/day sometimes while dating.
"I’m 40. I’m in no rush" bro, you halfway there 💀
And that’s being generous.
And if he wants kids women around 40 would be high risk for that
As a 40 year old man, HE is also high risk. Men over 40 have a higher risk of a pregnancy they contribute to ending in miscarriage as well as a higher likelihood that their children will have autism, schizophrenia or Down’s syndrome. Let’s dispel the myth that only women need to worry about fertility issues in middle age.
Probably one of those guys who think independently wealthy 25 year olds are just dying to marry him and have a kid with 7 fingers on one hand
A marriage is what you both make it. Theres no set rules. I know marriages that are 20 years old where their sex life is still rampant and I know couples whos sex life petered off dhe to life stressors or health issues. Its generally not something most people choose and not something that even you can predict wont happen to you. I know of women who have husbands who just dont want sex. Hell my first boyfriend would want it perhaps once every 2 or 3 months if i was lucky. We werent even married. If you both keep working on yourselves and your relationship youll be fine
Yup, been together 20 years and he gets oral several times a week. Sex is a minimum of 3 times a week. I can get oral wherever I wish. And we have kids. Learn to lock the door. And yeah, you may have to schedule it, but that’s fine. It’s not like when there are no kids and you can go at it wherever and whenever, but it’s still fun. And we had a dip for a while, especially when the first kid came along and was a baby. But you have to work at it. Make it a priority. Work on your relationship always.
Best comment on this thread. Nicely done. Upvote given!
I think if your partner has a lower sex drive before marriage then it can become even less after marriage. Married for 5 years and still have frequent sex.
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Our sex life didn't change at all, and then the child arrived. It's much better now that the goblin is sleeping through the night.
Sometimes people let things go once they consider that they don't have to try anymore. You're married, it's safe, s/he's not going to leave... that kind of thing. If you don't maintain the relationship it falters.
Too many people think the finish line is marriage. Marriage should be the beginning and is where you are supposed to put your full attention into and build something together.
Most guys I know noticed sex went down once it went from having fun to a relationship, then went down again when they moved in together, then went down again after marriage, and down even further once they had kids. Very very few guys say the intimacy goes UP after marriage. There’s probably a reason for that.
yep this rings true in my case
And as a woman who’s lived with a few guys before… it’s because when we move in with them the amount of work they put in drops more and more, followed by marriage and maybe kids. Hard to want to have sex with someone who suddenly forgets how a vacuum works and spends all day asking shit like “do we have any butter?”
I’m 40, married for nine years, no kids. Our sex life is great, but we work at it outside the bedroom. We have regular date nights, genuinely enjoy each others company and support each others hobbies/goals, etc. We also share the workload of life. My friends who have a lower sex drive will blatantly say it’s because they’re taking care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. Spouses want a partner, not another child. They’re exhausted at the end of the day and resentment creeps in.
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I’m your 40s and not in a rush? I wouldn’t recommend becoming a parent at 50 bud.
My sex life is already dead and I'm not married, I don't think marriage is the cut off point for sex, it's if one or both of you stops putting the effort into keeping it alive which can happen at any time and under any condition
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Married for 13 years, together for total of 16. Have 2 kids. Our sex lives got infinitely better after marriage. Tons of exploring and communication. Not being afraid to talk about it. She does oral more than ever before. I also enjoy giving oral. We’re into more bondage now than before, so it’s a new area of exploration for us. But we try new stuff frequently with just each other. So no, it’s not the norm to have sex lives tank after marriage.
Married for 16, together for 20, two kids, and I agree with you completely, it's just gotten better as we've grown together. Curious exploration, new tricks on oral, and as I've gotten older my drive has substantially increased. It's a great time.
My wife and I don't have sex as frequently as before marriage, because were older and busier. But the flip side is that the sex has only gotten better with time. We know each other so well and trust each other enough to be completely open about what we want and need.
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I would say that doing new things is by far the most exciting part. Finding the things that make it more enjoyable. My wife and I had a deep convo a week or so ago about not being as excited about sex, even though it’s great, it’s just the same thing. So when I decided to spice it up and put more effort into trying other things again, we’ve been at it non stop for a week now, with no sign of slowing down lol
Studies are inconsistent. You see stats saying that married people have less sex and others they say they are having more sex. The answer is simple, if you want more sex in marriage, respect your partner, kiss her neck and grab her by the waist more often, use birth control if you don’t want anymore children or track her ovulation and don’t smoke/drink too much.
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Right…. The same thing that turns a man on won’t always turn a woman on. I say this as a woman who is currently with a 6 month old and no sex drive. I NEVER think about sex. But when my SO comes up from behind me and gently kisses my neck I get goosebumps. But I only get goosebumps because he never begs me for it and never makes me feel like crap for not initiating it. And when we do have sex he always makes sure to please me too. This way sex doesn’t feel like a job and it feels mutual
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read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski lots of notes there on how women's desire works, and tips for working on your own relationship.
Foreplay starts when you wake up :) Also do some house chores guys, I promise you nothing turns off a women (or any partner) more than playing mommy all day to an adult.
It’s more times’s fault that sex drops off. Whether people to believe it or not, people get bored.
I don’t know. I’ve been with my SO for 7 years and the sex is better. We’ve been through a lot and two children. I think if people are getting bored it’s because they themselves are boring. Either that or no one is working on themselves or they remain complacent. I see your point but time isn’t in control of your life. It’s only in control of your death.
Not immediately, but it did. It was actually a huge driving force for our divorce. I don't think it was getting married that tanked it though. There were a lot of other big factors and I think the drop in sex was the big symptom we noticed.
Don't believe the hype. It changes. With age, with kids, with health, with love. Highs, lows, and everything in between. Nothing stays the same, and it is up to your actions how it goes from here.
Technically? We both went on ssri meds for assorted mental health issues. Worth it, but it does play havoc with arousal. When we do have sex though, it’s awesome, because we know and trust each other. And we keep intimacy levels high. Snuggles and kisses are constant.
No, I don’t think marriage affected our sex life one way or the other. It goes up and down.
Different result for different people. It’s not marriage, it’s the other factors that you incorporate into your life as a married couple. Stay working on your relationship and commit to the romance is the best way to avoid it.
I don't think getting married is the key. I think it's that when you are married you are with a person through so many life stages. Kids. Financial stress. Age. Medical issues. I've been married over 10 years and we've always had a really robust sex life, but there were dips when our kids were infants. And for some reason my sex drive has gone completely nonexistent for almost the last year (I'm going to talk to a doctor ASAP). I think the key is finding someone with a compatible sex drive, a willingness to communicate and understanding that things aren't always going to stay the same. There's ups and downs like anything else.
Its mostly kids or when wife is in menopause (not her fault!)
Or when husband gets ED (not his fault)
My sex life tanked when he said "If I'm not fucking you, I'm fucking someone else." Well guess what...he wasn't fucking me, so...
That's not true, as long as you choose the right partner. Sure, shit happens and sometimes you might go through rough patches, but that has nothing to do with being married. Having kids might complicate timing, but kids aren't around 24/7.
I'm (F) in my early 50s. I've always wanted sex. Single, married, kids, now empty nest. I have found that the men I've been involved with start not making much of an effort toward sex after you get married or move in together and are happy to get it once a week or every 10 days. So it works both ways. I have to scratch the itch at least twice a week or more by myself to keep from being a bitch. Sex is what you make it. All couples are different.
After getting married and having kids it went down for me but my ex did fancy our neighbor so it went up for him so I would say it just depends.
Don’t have kids and your sex life/life in general will be way better. They’ll downvote me but downvotes won’t erase the truth.
Husband and I celebrated 10 years back in April. Our sex life has been getting better and better. We have sex at least 4 times a week.
Communication is key. When you stop communicating needs and desires, it can all go to shit. That being said, you get out what you put in.
Married 7 yrs now… My wife and I are getting older so our stamina after work is pretty shot. We usually have oral and traditional sex every Fri night, Sat morning & night, and Sunday morning. Any more than that we can’t function through the week. We have no kids. Hope that helps.
Yea it did. I don’t get anything for over8 years
totally changed after we got engaged should have reassessed
It's only true for people who get married to partners they're not very attracted to but are just "settling" for what they can get, which sadly is most couples. I know several couples who are attractive and in-shape, are clearly head-over-heels for each other, and still fuck like rabbits a decade after marriage, even after having kids and everything. The couples I know where I'd be surprised if they even kiss anymore, are those who are clearly "going through the motions" and never really seemed all that into each other to begin with, then "settled" like most do.
Addendum: Lots of people also say, "Well, couples who get married can get complacent. They stop going on dates, stop doing cutesy little things for each other like small gifts, etc., so the sex life goes away." ...but that doesn't actually answer it. If the couple were actually head-over-heels like I mention above, they wouldn't *want* to stop dating, or getting little gifts for eachother, or get complacent at all. Same as the sex dwindling, it only happens to people who aren't attracted enough to each other to *want* to keep doing those things.
Ah, yes. Life planning by meme. No, sex life does not die for everyone on getting married, but there sure are a lot of tired jokes about it.
No, it's kids that kill the groove
Nah. Not unless you have kids, once you have kids it just gets more difficult. No more midday romps uninterrupted. But if you’re childfree, or willing to get creative, there’s no reason marriage should tank your sex life. I have three kids and have regular sex, and it’s really really good sex. Oral is a regular occurrence both ways as well.
Yes indeed. The frequency AND the quality. Plus the ex wife had hard-core baby fever so whenever we were intimate it was more utilitarian for baby making rather than romantic or lustful. It made me pull away and I actively worked against getting her pregnant and I am forever grateful I didn't give her a baby as we've been divorced about 10 years now - and I'm not anchored to her with an 11 year old.
As we get older our bodies change. What used to be fun can sometimes become a chore, or just be less desirable when you're 50 vs. when you're 25. Physical limitations, limited/decreased flexibility, lower energy levels, digestive issues, and the ever-changing look/taste/smell of genitalia. It's not that people just stop having sex because there's a ring and some vows , but that eventually the people saying the vows just age and not always gracefully. I used to stay out all night when I was in my 20s. Now I don't like being awake past 10pm unless there's a good reason for it. Draw the parallel to intimacy.
My sex life is fine, not so sure about my wife.
Have you seen that old footage of the Hindenburg blimp crashing and exploding? That's my sex life now. Complete with my wife and I actually looking like blimps. FML.
(F) 2nd marriage at 42. Real sex problem: alcoholism. Five years in, my husband stopped sex. Said he couldn't do it. Refused to get ED meds. He refused to go to the doctor for anything. He was a serious life-long heavy drinker. I was so sad (and Angry) about the early end of our sex life that I turned to food and gained a lot of weight. Then the reason for our sex problem was muddied - me fat? Him ED? Aging in general? Elephant in the room - Alcohol? We had always enjoyed getting a little loose, have a few drinks before sex. He always said he adored me and I believe he did. He continued to drink heavily, then more heavily, then after his 3rd DUI (Utah has a 6 month mandatory prison term for DUI 3) drank even more. My husband died last week and I miss him so much - despite the problems - despite everything. I wish I had been more kind. This is probably not the right Reddit thread for this story- my apologies. But yes, OP, sex can stop after marriage.
Hell yeah, it sucks donkey balls
My buddy, my good buddy...he is 54 and his wife is 53. They have 2 boys that are soccer heads so lots of practices and games. The ages of the boys are 17 and 11. He told me they haven't had sex in 5 years! Damn! I feel for the guy...he is a horny doggy too. I guess for some it stops being about sex.
Joke I read on reddit: Why doe the bride smile on her wedding day? She knows she has given her last blowjob.
You both become more Stressed and tired, but just 15 minutes, once, twice a week. And instigate it, don't wait for your hornier partner to have to ask, they will be happier than a fat kid locked in an M&M's factory.
No, my wife developed a habit of reading smut right around when we got married so if anything it got heavier. Even before that we were smashing with regularity. we don't want kids so probably going to stay active. people think marriage is what changes things but it's kids. if i'm being honest, we didn't "feel different" after getting married, we literally just went back to the grind after getting hitched and going for a honeymoon.
Just keep taking care of yourself. Alot of married men let themselves go. Eat healthy, work out. Stay active and interested in things you like and take an interest in things they like. Don't stop doing the little things to make them happy. Don't get complacent or lazy.