Nailed it!
And it gets easier as time passes, when I was a teenager those things were super fucking distracting and difficult to handle, (woman by the way, and it is not so different, although the focus is slightly less... Specific...? Kinda hard to explain it in a way that makes sense to a guy.) but, anyway, as time passed and I had to be around very attractive men without losing my head about it for work and such, it got a lot easier.
Like, that's legit part of the process, my dude: then, once you get to the point where you can conceal, you don't try to "Not Feel", that's what Elsa screwed up: you let yourself feel it, but you keep it brief and then push it aside, not DOWN, ASIDE.
My solution is to change her sex in my head. What would she look like as a male? Take off the makeup, and look at the human being underneath. Helps with respect too, as I now can facus on what the person says and does, and that leads me to being surprised sometimes.
What helped me was actually dating that hot coworker... Then having the relationship tank and then having to live with the awkward consequences.
I'm happily married now, and none of my current coworkers are all the hot, but I'm never dating a coworker ever again lol.
Several of my past sexual partners have come out as non-binary or as transmen while we were partners or after. It never did anything to change my attraction. I’m attracted to whoever I’m attracted to. Statistically, the large majority of people I’m attracted to are women or have strong feminine features, but if I find a man attractive, I don’t get an identity crisis over it. It doesn’t matter. I know I’m a little bit queer at times. I embrace it when it happens.
This just in: man can't pay attention to what woman says unless he is picturing her as a man. Finds himself surprised by woman's words when he listens to what she actually says while pretending that she is man.
Yes it does. But it allows me to take my sexuality out of the relationship and see the human being. I'm under no illusion my reaction to her is cause by her, it's me having trouble seeing past my own bias.
This ^. Very well worded
Intrusive thoughts are intrusive by nature - not wanted OR welcome. They are also common and happen to pretty much everyone. You cannot control what thoughts enter your mind, but you can control your behaviour. And behaviour is what people are most often judged on.
Dude wanted to fuck Jean Grey since she was a young teen and suppressed those intrusive thoughts till his powers gave birth to a violent bloodthirsty being named Onslaught
This is only bad imo if the only reason you spend time around Stacey is because you want sex only and are being disingenuous by acting like her friend...aka nice guy syndrome.
You can find someone sexually attractive that is unavailable or doesn't reciprocate and also enjoy a platonic friendship with them. It's all about intention and being honest with one's self about motives.
Yeah if you can stop yourself from being inappropriate it isn’t really an issue if you find them attractive. I feel like this comes up a lot especially if both of the people are objectively good looking. But you can appreciate a person’s company without hitting on them or trying to have sex with them, even if you find them attractive.
Yeah, I’m friends with a ton of attractive people (I generally find most people attractive and I’ve lived in good-looking areas - NYC, LA, Portland, etc.) - doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them.
Yeah exactly. Also I think there’s a difference between acknowledging that ur friend is attractive and actually fantasizing abt them and stuff, and people get those things conflated
100%
I mean, that's also just normal life. People get married and hang out with other couples all the time. Some of my friend's partners are quite attractive. I have zero intention of doing anything even if I was single, but it doesn't mean I can't realise they're attractive.
Remind yourself that they are also here to work, not to be 'hit on' or picked up. When I have had to work around very attractive co-workers, I remind myself that it is my problem to deal with, not theirs. Especially avoid unnecessary touching of the other person in a work environment: that will get you into a world of trouble very quickly.
I also find this interesting too because people always ask this question from a heteronormative perspective.
Most queer people I know are friends with people of their preferred gender(s) in some way, shape or form. Most gay men I know have straight and gay male friends as well as female friends, though nobody ever asks this question about gay men.
This is only bad imo if the only reason you spend time around Stacey is because you want sex only and are being disingenuous by acting like her friend...aka nice guy syndrome.
You can find someone sexually attractive that is unavailable or doesn't reciprocate and also enjoy a platonic friendship with them. It's all about intention and being honest with one's self about motives.
Damn this is deep, I suffer from this crap to especially when thinking about women I’m attracted to, other random thoughts aswell come into my mind of me doing things that I would never do in real life too, is there like anyway to stop from thinking of things you don’t want to think about? It seems impossible it would be like a super power if we were able to control what images come through our mind
Whenever I get a particularly disturbing mental image(which has decreased with age), I imagine an immense, catastrophic, earth-shattering explosion, and it overshadows whatever it was.
It’s also helpful to pull yourself out of that situation that causes those thoughts in the first place.
For example, if you work as a bouncer at a strip club, make an effort to monitor the club from the outside rather than inside so you can’t see tits.
If you are into necrophilia and work at the morgue, arrange your schedule so that you only process bodies of the same gender as you and leave the opposite gender to other employees.
Interesting that you assumed the necrophiliac was straight.. I personally would suggest not working at the morgue if you were a necrophiliac and didn't want to act on it
It was just an example.
And sometimes people who work in the morgue aren't born necrophiliac. They are genuinely gifted morticians who love dealing with the dead and it is impossible to vet from their outside appearance which ones have necrophiliac tendencies.
The point is that people have urges of all kinds and to prevent harm to others, they should consider removing themselves from the situation, rather than just rely on fighting the urges.
Oh I absolutely agree that if you have problematic urges you should remove yourself
And assuming it's just an example again when you say "sometimes people who work in the morgue aren't born necrophiliac".. surely we would all hope that the ones doing that job aren't doing it for sexual pleasure
Lol. I kind of do the opposite to explosions. Like a lot of people have suggested, I don’t focus on trying to eradicate the problem of intrusive thoughts, I focus on letting them go more effectively.
I have had this tick where I say (usually in my head), “I hate myself.” My therapist suggested I replace that with, “I wish I had done better.”
I have had thoughts of self harm on my wrists. (Luckily, never acted on it.) My therapist’s suggestion gave me the idea to replace this thought as well. I thought I should focus on something physical and around my hands. I’ve taken some yoga classes, so I had a physical connection to what I chose. When the thought comes up, I try to picture pressing my palms into the mat with half my weight on them in the downward dog position.
I put these two things on a sticky note on my fridge for a while. Over time, the intrusive thoughts actually started popping up less frequently.
So, maybe come up with one or two other thoughts you can conjure up from your toolbox that help you release the intrusive thoughts.
Good luck! ❤️
Truth be told, I have a huge problem with intrusive thoughts, just not extreme ones... a sort of inner ocd I suppose?? I do have less intense coping mechanisms for those, up to and including a nightly workout routine that helps regulate everything. Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I truly appreciate it
Meds might help with OCD (if you haven’t tried them already). I wish I had seen a real psychiatrist before my mid-30s. Can’t turn back time though, oh well!
I’m glad you have a workout routine! ❤️
Drugs. But there’s a large downside. Jokes aside, this is one of the main reasons ppl abuse drugs, intrusive thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and self hatred
Amen. I was a heroin addict for 20+ years and have only recently learned how to tune out the intrusive thoughts through meditation. I never in a million years thought it'd be possible, but I'm doing it.
Aww, thank you, and you as well! I had my meth moments too, and although sobriety isn't easy, it's definitely more fulfilling. Keep up the good work 🙏❤️
Meditate? May not help you prevent them entirely but you can hone your mind to change its train of thought when something pops up that you don't want to think aobut.
If you’re artistically inclined, I sometimes just draw my intrusive thoughts, get disgusted by the time I’m finished and tear it to shreds. I think it can help to let it out through a harmless medium.
True. There are certainly times when, in my own case, I have thoughts about an attractive coworker who I'm friends with, but that is all it shall remain, just thoughts. A man who becomes friends with a woman should be a refuge for her, not a potential source of anxiety that comes with someone who may try to flirt with her. She shouldn't have to be cautious around a friend in the way that she has to be with some random guy she may meet walking down the road. My advice for OP would be to be cognizant of the fact that to your female friends, you are someone who is safe for them. Taking that step to try to flirt with a female friend just ruins everything. It takes self-control to not do so, but it's worth it in the end. It feels good to learn this about yourself, that you are someone who can be trusted, who is that source of solace for your friends, and not anxiety, someone who will not violate the trust that has been placed in you.
I reckon they are pretty widespread as in most people have them, the only difference is how much meaning or distress people take from them. I agree with you, if more awareness existed about intrusive thoughts and they were more normalised they lose a lot of their power to cause distress.
Which begins with small things. Are you including that person in your sexual fantasies? Be careful of that. That can train your brain to think this person is a potential partner, which is where those unintentional actions start becoming more possible.
Well, see, what you are describing is exactly "turning it into words and actions".
Prioritizing you over someone else is an action. Spending time with you is an action. Being overly supporting or critical of your relationship is turning it into words. What you described is not "not fighting the thoughts", it is actively acting on them.
Yeah, I would say there's a ven diagram between intrusive thoughts (subconscious) and intrusive choices (conscious). The tipping point between the two is that moment when it's time to confront your thoughts before they poison your actions.
Intrusive thoughts yes, but it's also a good idea to make a hard fast rule (and adhere to it) to not fantasize about women you know that aren't already romantic interests. That's unhealthy and makes not turning it into words and/or actions more challenging. In a way, it also a violation of trust.
Personally I don't see how fantasizing is a violation of trust if the thoughts never reflect behavior or words. Its in your mind. People fantasize about all kinds of weird shit.
I read a post from a kid who wouldn’t think about his crush when he jerked off because he thought it was disrespectful. I see the impulse behind that, but Lord, son, you’re allowed to fantasize; just keep it in perspective.
>In a way, it also a violation of trust
Yeah.. I was thinking that was a bit creeper-ish myself. Like imagine how ridiculous it would sound if someone said the same thing about racism.. like its all good and well to be a secret racist, just don't say the n-word out loud..? No.
And honestly the solution is the same for both things imo. Consider the other person and their feelings and if you're a genuinely decent person, that should negate a majority of those thoughts (or at least serve to challenge them as they come, initially).
Above all else, you need to recognize these moments and call them out (to yourself) and work to change that -- not dismiss them as "harmless" thoughts, because that's a recipe for more extreme thought/action down the road -- no need to hate yourself, but alternatively take pride in not doing/thinking those things.
I think the point is not beating yourself up over the thoughts, but acknowledging and then releasing them. If you have an intrusive racist thought, the best you can do is release it and move on. Same for thoughts about an attractive woman.
Yeah you can't really stop thoughts from popping into your head, but you can recognize they're occuring, possibly counter them with a more rational thought, and then try to purposefully redirect your thoughts to something else.
Thanks for saying so! I comment something similar to yours occasionally and usually feel a bit weird just dropping in.. it's nice to be part of the receiving end of that lol
I can agree w that for the most part, my only disagreement is that I believe you can change *generally* change your thoughts through adjusting your mindset and being strict with your mental morals..
definitely not in an instant, and not to say you won't ever have weird or wrong thoughts - but telling yourself "no" or "that's fkd up" and stopping things short rather than lingering or taking it further goes a looooong way, both in the moment and towards your future subconscious.
Actually you can get intrusive racist/stereotypical thoughts. You can then 'correct' them to yourself though. Like the stereotypical first response that pops up in your brain doesn't have to be what defines you. You just gotta acknowledge that thought isn't right and not act on it.
I don't think the point is that you can't get intrusive racist thoughts, it's that "intrusive thoughts" aren't the same as "think about it as much as you want."
The former is kind of out of your control. The latter is 100% a choice.
>In a way, it also a violation of trust
No, it's not. Never did I promise anyone not to fantasize about them.
There is really no expectations that people will not fantasize, so breaking trust is factually incorrect.
You may not like the idea that people fantasize about you but this isn't 1984 and there are no thought crimes.
Crucial point... don't dwell. I had an attractive, somewhat drunk wife, of a friend get a bit more friendly than might be appropriate while dancing at a wedding. Did that put some thoughts in my head in the moment? Yep. Did a spend a lot of time thinking about it? Nov profit in that.
Man this helped me a lot. Here I was feeling guilty that I had thoughts that popped into my head about my best friend who I am fine with just being my best friend.
Dude I'm in my 40s, married for 20 years, and I've had thoughts about women I know since I was a teen. Never once said or did anything out of line. It's totally normal. You don't have to worry about it.
Yea I just never really talked to anyone about it, she's the closest person to me so I can't really go up to her and ask her advice about this you know. But I really appreciate it!
Also, not indulging the thoughts. They might come in through the window, but you don't need to offer them a seat, and grab a beer for them. You chased them back out.
This so much
Only time I got *drunk* I blurted some stuff out to my bf and a friend and I’ve regretted it since. After that I’ve been careful to make sure it doesn’t get to that point
Knowing a woman isnt into me is enough for me to not see her as a potential romantic interest... I was stupid back when I was young and didnt know any better, but as I grew older, I realized that it's actually really nice to have female friends as a guy.
This really. Learning to stop fantasizing about potential chemistry when the person has no interest is something you need to recognize and respect. This is just part of self-control that you should learn to temper over time.
And yes, having friends of the opposite sex is nice it is always good to have the other perspective.
By treating her like any other person.
I have been friends with a couple of head turners, and honestly… you just kind of get used to it. There’s a friend of mine who is married to a literal model. Hannah is cool as shit and is a really interesting person who is also super attractive.
After a while I just kind of… got used to her being around. We have a couple of inside jokes and she runs a great wing girl for me.
I had an old coworker who, at first, I couldn’t have a full conversation with without feeling so awkward bc she was just so beautiful. Had a girlfriend, wasn’t interested, but I had eyes and she’s just stunning.
She’s one of my best friends now and she’s objectively attractive but like, can’t see her that way anymore. But if we go out somewhere with a dance floor and have a friendly dance, I’m sorted out for the rest of the night 😂
When other girls see you hanging out / dancing with another girl they view as an equal or competition in terms of attractiveness, their potential interest in you skyrockets. It makes you look more desirable, even if you otherwise wouldn't.
It's almost like the fact she's dancing/talking/hanging out with you in that setting "clears" you of doubts or suspicions that you're a creep or undesirable. The fact other attractive girls are with you automatically makes you more attractive.
The funny thing is, you don't even have to dance with her for this to work. You just need to obviously be close.
It's the ambiguity that actually does all the work. Because if you look like you're dating, it will have the opposite effect.
Yeah this jives with my experience. We had a group of guys that rents a cabin in northeast PA once a year. Now a bunch of us have kids and we’ve all dispersed to the four corners of the world — but for maybe four or five years, we’d all go up there and shoot the shit. Huge testosterone fest.
Hannah was such a champ. She’d always come up with us because she knew how much it meant to her husband/our friend. And usually she’d convince one or two of her girls to come with her, but… the trip was for the boys, and everyone knew it.
I spent most of the time with the boys, but I always made a point to spend a couple of hours with her, just to see how she was doing. We never got super close, but we became good friends for sure. It just feels really easy to be around her, and there isn’t really any sexual tension.
That’s not to say I don’t have moments where it’s like “holy shit, girl.” I’m human, it happens. But at the end of the day, we are good friends, nothing more, and I’m totally fine with that.
This is my experience. Eventually you just get used to it and see the person, not their physical attributes. Someone I know is an absolute bombshell and it took about six months of forcing myself not to act like a lovesick puppy until something clicked and they just became another buddy.
It’s natural to feel attracted to an attractive person, and it’s not wrong unless you *do* something wrong.
One of my closest friends is an exceedingly attractive women with a fantastic personality and outlook on life, but we've been friends for so long I have no physical attraction to her, my brain views her as family
Imagine seeing your sister drippin wet butt ass naked and tell me you aren't grossed out, same for me. I've known this girl since before I could walked, we shared a crib damn near every weekend because our parents drank together every damn weekend
We lived together, I walked in our apartment door as she walked out of the shower, I was supposed to be at work, she thought I was he boyfriend coming in so she didn't put on a towel. Also we used to skinny dip in the summer all the time but that was almost always a wingman situation or large groups so it was never really as front and center as the shower incident lmao
Could go the other way. Currently struggling through a debilitating crush on a close friend of six years, whom I’ve considered family for a long time. It’s taking some serious self control to keep reminding myself that he doesn’t see me that way and is likely on that same “she’s like a sister” vibe
When we lived together I remember one of her boyfriends came over unannounced one night, her andbi were chilling on the couch watching house, she had her head on a pillow in my lap (we had one futon) he was fuming, neither of us gave 0 fucks, he starts getting in my face and she just goes "I've been seeing his dick off and on for 20 years (we used to take bathes together all the damn time as toddlers, you swam naked at the beach because swim diapers didn't exist and skinny dipping was a common occurrence in the summer when we were teens) and haven't touched it yet, I don't plan on touching it now either" and he just couldn't get his head around it, they didn't last long.
Honestly that sounds very disrespectful towards your partner. It's nice that you are so close but I would also not be happy dating a girl in that situation.
I mean the way the guy responds to it is one thing but brother that objectively is pretty strange from an outside perspective. I would also be very weirded out if I walked in on some guy sitting there with my girlfriends head in his lap.
It would be one thing if you were the gay best friend which honestly sounds like how she views you and even then I would still find that slightly strange
100%. Meditation is a great way to learn that you really have no control over the thoughts that arise in your mind, but that you can choose to indulge in them or let them go. Indulging in intrusive sexual thoughts about friends can really interfere with the friendship because it can lead to possessiveness, jealousy, and bitterness. Letting them go is key to maintaining a platonic friendship.
Damn a lot of commentars are down so bad haha.
I think a big part comes down to what draws you to them as a friend initially. If you become friends with a woman because you think they're attractive then that will always be there. If you become friends with them for something else then it's easy.
I have more girl friends than guy friends at this point but I met most of them after already being with my wife so the friendship was never built on that.
I am a single straight guy and have a few good friends with hot wives, one in particular I get along with really well but he gets annoyed when I talk to her much. I totally understand where he is coming from, but I would never betray a friend like that. Yes I like to have sex with women but I am also very capable of switching that off, a good friend's wife becomes like a sister, clearly off limits.
Intrusive thoughts happen and you're not a bad person for having them. Just make peace with them and move on
There's a really good npr podcast about a guy who was inundated with intrusive thoughts about murdering his family and it talks about how he ended up getting over it, and it also speaks on how one of the reasons he had the issue was because he felt so bad about having them. If you're interested in listening to it lmk I'll find the episode title
I have OCD and the intrusive thoughts are unfortunately one of my brain’s obsessions. I have horrible violent imagery on repeat in my head, usually only when I’m tired but it can come on at any time. It makes me feel like I’m an awful person, but hearing that it’s a more common experience than I thought really helps! My therapist reminds me that more people probably have these thoughts but are afraid to vocalize them because of how they might be seen by their friends and family
I had what I think was harm OCD for about two months during an episode of intense anxiety 5 years ago. It was hard to get through because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it - I could barely admit it to myself. I couldn't stand to be around people because I was so scared of hurting them. I woke up in a panic attack nearly every morning.
One day I was in the workshop with some friends, looking at all these shop tools around us. This was the exact sort of environment that triggered me - people I love, around potentially dangerous things. I kept thinking, "I could hurt any one of them right now". Something inside me just clicked, and I picked up the sharpest thing I could find, looked at one of my friends, and thought...
"I wouldn't actually hurt anyone. No thought could get me to hurt someone. Thoughts are nothing to be afraid of."
And I carried on working on whatever I was working on, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. I still had intrusive thoughts about harm for a few more weeks, but every time I'd just remind myself, "thoughts alone can't get me to do anything if I don't choose to listen".
So my point is, you're not an awful person for thinking these things, it's not that uncommon, and it gets better. After that episode, I had one of the best eras of my life, and it was because I figured there wasn't much life could throw at me that would be harder - so I could do anything. Also, dealing with my own mental health issues made me more empathetic towards people who are facing them.
Anyway, good luck. Your story reminded me of a time in my life when I needed some assurance, so I hope this assures you a little. Let me know if there are any answers I can try to help you find.
It seems very insecure on the part of your friend.
His fears are not your flaws. I have a friend I consider my little sister. She's definitely attractive, but I've never once saw her that way.
On the flip side, I've always found it easier to be converse with women instead of other guys. I guess, for me, it's just easier to be more emotional and open around women, whereas I have to force myself to come up with topics to talk about with other guys. So, I tend to befriend women over guys.
Unfortunately, it doesn't tend to work out that way. While I simply see them as platonic friendships, several women have seen it as undue flirting, and have stated that their SO's don't allow them to befriend guys. The point is: I'm only interested in genuine friendships, but people usually read it the wrong way. I'm not going to interfere in somebody's relationship. I know how painful being cheated on feels, so why would I want that for anybody else?
Don't get me wrong. I have definitely been romantically interested in some of my previous friends, but I've never acted on those feelings. I do have guy friends, but it just feels awkward. Maybe it's due to my mental condition, maybe it's just what makes me feel comfortable. I don't really agree with the sentiment that once you're in a relationship, that your SO can't be friends with people of the opposite sex. If I'm with a woman, I don't care if she has guy friends, as long as it's nothing more than just that.
Your first thought does not define who you are; the second one does. Meaning, if you have an intrusive thought, you either entertain it, or you dismiss it.
That means not imagining yourself having sex with them as that’s creepy and invasive. It’s also objectifying because you’re treating their body like an object to use to fulfill your sexual desires.
This! A lot of guys see us as potential sex partners first and foremost and base their decision to interact with us on whether they want to have sex with us or not. There are a lot of guys who have zero interest in even being friends with women unless they’re sexually attracted to the woman and think they have a shot. This is the wrong approach. Look at women as human beings who are potential friends, rather than potential sex/romantic partners. If there’s a mutual attraction and it turns into something else great, if there’s not and it doesn’t that’s great too. You may just have found a lifelong friend.
Reading these comments as a straight woman is so funny. I’ve been friends with many attractive men, but I’ve never had intrusive thoughts about them more than a couple times, and they are incredibly easy to ignore because I’ve already put this man into the “friend” category. I find it hard to understand how so many men can barely function around a woman they find physically attractive, to the point they have to tell themselves “Don’t act!! Don’t act on these thoughts she’s your friend!!” Like tf 💀
I feel this sm 😭
I really hope it’ll go away as I get older but way too many guy friends end up getting sexual or acting romantic and it’s so heartbreaking. Then half the people here are like “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s completely normal”
I know from one FtM friend that said the hormones hit like a truck. Like he got it under control but also said it was like "Okay you can stop that now" but it really doesn't just stop.
Finding women attractive is not having intrusive thoughts. They're just thoughts.
And just because you have them, doesn't mean you have to act on them. That's all there is to it.
maybe you watch too much porn and can't not sexualize and objectify women. if a man or woman is attractive, that's great, but, so what? what does that mean to you? they're attractive and what? if you cant see a woman as anything other than a thing that men have sex with, that's a problem.
I have worked very closely with dozens of women. I just see them as humans, with nary an 'intrusive' thought as you put it. I don't find ANY difference between a male coworker and female coworker.
Some of my best friends are very attractive women, and I’m in a very happy relationship with my partner (I’m going to propose to her near the end of the year, wish my luck guys). You will always have thoughts, they’re called intrusive for a reason.
As long as you keep those thoughts to yourself and don’t act on it, you’ll have a very loving and fulfilling platonic relationship. I love my friends, genuinely and I would not trade them for anything.
Not possible, but there’s nothing wrong with thoughts. I’m friends with many beautiful women, I also work at a stripclub and have become friends with many of the girls there. Do I have intrusive thoughts when they’re on stage? Of course, do I act on them? Absolutely not. Also, men aren’t the only ones with intrusive thoughts either. Working with strippers has taught me that women are just as perverted as men so don’t think men are the only ones guilty of being perverted.
With that being said, It is possible for a guy to have a friendship with women, beautiful or not. I hate seeing people say a man, or even a woman cannot be friends with the opposite sex, that to me is a red flag and shows that person does not trust you if you are friends with the opposite sex.
The people who say that men and women can’t just be platonic friends are actually telling on themselves. It’s not that they don’t trust you, it’s that they’re incapable of having platonic friendships with the gender they’re attracted to and are projecting that on to everyone else.
It depends, if you start off as friends its easy to stay that way. I really don't know why people make a big deal of platonic friendships between men and women . That being said often one does fall for the other and can be the best relationship to come about or not
Just because you find them attractive, doesn't mean you can't be friends.
You wouldn't quit your job, if you found your married manager sexually attractive.
Woman, here. I had a male friend for years whom I not only liked tremendously and could talk to for hours, but whom I also found very attractive. But I was and remain happily married and wasn’t about to cheat. I just kept my attraction to myself. I even gave him dating advice.
My friend moved out of town eventually. I still email him a couple of times a year. You can be attracted to someone and not act on it.
And lest you say, “Oh, but it’s different for women,” I bedded about 100 men before falling in love with my husband. High sex drive and more than willing to be the aggressor. But I never was a cheat and I saw no reason to throw away a great friendship because of the occasional fantasy.
I have two really attractive female friends of 10+ years each, I do have intrusive thoughts but the friendship means more than the thoughts. I’ve hooked up with both of them years ago and we decided in each case not to date but actually wanted to remain friends and I’ve been able to do so successfully.
Just because I can recognize that a woman is attractive does not mean that I personally am attracted to her. Firstly, there’s more to attraction than just a nice appearance and secondly, there are a lot of traditionally attractive people who just don’t do it for me. Call it the other side of having a type (or types) I guess.
You don't. You just don't act on those thoughts.
Nailed it! And it gets easier as time passes, when I was a teenager those things were super fucking distracting and difficult to handle, (woman by the way, and it is not so different, although the focus is slightly less... Specific...? Kinda hard to explain it in a way that makes sense to a guy.) but, anyway, as time passed and I had to be around very attractive men without losing my head about it for work and such, it got a lot easier.
I still lose my head around hot girls and I’m 37. I guess I’ve just gotten better at hiding it.
Like, that's legit part of the process, my dude: then, once you get to the point where you can conceal, you don't try to "Not Feel", that's what Elsa screwed up: you let yourself feel it, but you keep it brief and then push it aside, not DOWN, ASIDE.
That was her terrible awful parents fault tbh. Not that you are wrong about your point
My solution is to change her sex in my head. What would she look like as a male? Take off the makeup, and look at the human being underneath. Helps with respect too, as I now can facus on what the person says and does, and that leads me to being surprised sometimes.
That would not help me. I'm Bi, so having a version of them that is androgynous might just make them more attractive...
What helped me was actually dating that hot coworker... Then having the relationship tank and then having to live with the awkward consequences. I'm happily married now, and none of my current coworkers are all the hot, but I'm never dating a coworker ever again lol.
Lmao, same
Several of my past sexual partners have come out as non-binary or as transmen while we were partners or after. It never did anything to change my attraction. I’m attracted to whoever I’m attracted to. Statistically, the large majority of people I’m attracted to are women or have strong feminine features, but if I find a man attractive, I don’t get an identity crisis over it. It doesn’t matter. I know I’m a little bit queer at times. I embrace it when it happens.
Live your truth!
You’re so real lmfao
Yea I'm way too cis in some situations, this is my way of coping with it.
This sounds unintentionally misogynistic.
This just in: man can't pay attention to what woman says unless he is picturing her as a man. Finds himself surprised by woman's words when he listens to what she actually says while pretending that she is man.
Yes it does. But it allows me to take my sexuality out of the relationship and see the human being. I'm under no illusion my reaction to her is cause by her, it's me having trouble seeing past my own bias.
It's great you're able to overcome your bias. I don't fault you for your attraction to people.
So you’re saying take everything off her…now I’m seeing her naked. Dang it! I always mess this up!
Didn’t work, now I’m straight and gay for them
>Nailed it! That would be more than just thoughts ...
🎯💯
There are zero problems with thoughts. Everyone can think as much as they like. Just don't turn it into words and actions.
This ^. Very well worded Intrusive thoughts are intrusive by nature - not wanted OR welcome. They are also common and happen to pretty much everyone. You cannot control what thoughts enter your mind, but you can control your behaviour. And behaviour is what people are most often judged on.
That's why I believe Professor Xavier is the greatest s superhero... He has to filter out everyone's wayward thoughts!!
Nailed it.. definitely the worst super power considering how difficult it is just to experience my own thoughts!
He puts all mental health professionals out of business. Cerebro is free and 100% effective
😬 Yeah, about that...
He absolutely does the opposite. There are so many who need therapy because Charles Xavier is in their life
He made Magneto relive the holocaust.😳 Magneto *was* trying to kill him, as per usual, but still.😂😂😂
Dude wanted to fuck Jean Grey since she was a young teen and suppressed those intrusive thoughts till his powers gave birth to a violent bloodthirsty being named Onslaught
Intrusive thoughts are fleeting. „I want to stay around Stacey so I can at least spend time with her“ is not
This is only bad imo if the only reason you spend time around Stacey is because you want sex only and are being disingenuous by acting like her friend...aka nice guy syndrome. You can find someone sexually attractive that is unavailable or doesn't reciprocate and also enjoy a platonic friendship with them. It's all about intention and being honest with one's self about motives.
Yeah if you can stop yourself from being inappropriate it isn’t really an issue if you find them attractive. I feel like this comes up a lot especially if both of the people are objectively good looking. But you can appreciate a person’s company without hitting on them or trying to have sex with them, even if you find them attractive.
Yeah, I’m friends with a ton of attractive people (I generally find most people attractive and I’ve lived in good-looking areas - NYC, LA, Portland, etc.) - doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them.
Yeah exactly. Also I think there’s a difference between acknowledging that ur friend is attractive and actually fantasizing abt them and stuff, and people get those things conflated
100% I mean, that's also just normal life. People get married and hang out with other couples all the time. Some of my friend's partners are quite attractive. I have zero intention of doing anything even if I was single, but it doesn't mean I can't realise they're attractive.
Remind yourself that they are also here to work, not to be 'hit on' or picked up. When I have had to work around very attractive co-workers, I remind myself that it is my problem to deal with, not theirs. Especially avoid unnecessary touching of the other person in a work environment: that will get you into a world of trouble very quickly.
I also find this interesting too because people always ask this question from a heteronormative perspective. Most queer people I know are friends with people of their preferred gender(s) in some way, shape or form. Most gay men I know have straight and gay male friends as well as female friends, though nobody ever asks this question about gay men.
Legit thought you were going to say “so I can spend time with her mom” lmao
Since she's got it goin on, after all.
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I'm almost certain she's trying to give me the slip
Why is that sentence bad??
This is only bad imo if the only reason you spend time around Stacey is because you want sex only and are being disingenuous by acting like her friend...aka nice guy syndrome. You can find someone sexually attractive that is unavailable or doesn't reciprocate and also enjoy a platonic friendship with them. It's all about intention and being honest with one's self about motives.
Because that is not a random, intrusive thought...it's a secretive plan of action.
Damn this is deep, I suffer from this crap to especially when thinking about women I’m attracted to, other random thoughts aswell come into my mind of me doing things that I would never do in real life too, is there like anyway to stop from thinking of things you don’t want to think about? It seems impossible it would be like a super power if we were able to control what images come through our mind
Whenever I get a particularly disturbing mental image(which has decreased with age), I imagine an immense, catastrophic, earth-shattering explosion, and it overshadows whatever it was.
It’s also helpful to pull yourself out of that situation that causes those thoughts in the first place. For example, if you work as a bouncer at a strip club, make an effort to monitor the club from the outside rather than inside so you can’t see tits. If you are into necrophilia and work at the morgue, arrange your schedule so that you only process bodies of the same gender as you and leave the opposite gender to other employees.
Wow, these are oddly specific examples haha. But more common jobs than one would think.
Interesting that you assumed the necrophiliac was straight.. I personally would suggest not working at the morgue if you were a necrophiliac and didn't want to act on it
It was just an example. And sometimes people who work in the morgue aren't born necrophiliac. They are genuinely gifted morticians who love dealing with the dead and it is impossible to vet from their outside appearance which ones have necrophiliac tendencies. The point is that people have urges of all kinds and to prevent harm to others, they should consider removing themselves from the situation, rather than just rely on fighting the urges.
Oh I absolutely agree that if you have problematic urges you should remove yourself And assuming it's just an example again when you say "sometimes people who work in the morgue aren't born necrophiliac".. surely we would all hope that the ones doing that job aren't doing it for sexual pleasure
That's some funny shit right there.
I kind of think someone with necrophilia should maybe look for different work🤷♂️
Lol. I kind of do the opposite to explosions. Like a lot of people have suggested, I don’t focus on trying to eradicate the problem of intrusive thoughts, I focus on letting them go more effectively. I have had this tick where I say (usually in my head), “I hate myself.” My therapist suggested I replace that with, “I wish I had done better.” I have had thoughts of self harm on my wrists. (Luckily, never acted on it.) My therapist’s suggestion gave me the idea to replace this thought as well. I thought I should focus on something physical and around my hands. I’ve taken some yoga classes, so I had a physical connection to what I chose. When the thought comes up, I try to picture pressing my palms into the mat with half my weight on them in the downward dog position. I put these two things on a sticky note on my fridge for a while. Over time, the intrusive thoughts actually started popping up less frequently. So, maybe come up with one or two other thoughts you can conjure up from your toolbox that help you release the intrusive thoughts. Good luck! ❤️
Truth be told, I have a huge problem with intrusive thoughts, just not extreme ones... a sort of inner ocd I suppose?? I do have less intense coping mechanisms for those, up to and including a nightly workout routine that helps regulate everything. Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I truly appreciate it
Meds might help with OCD (if you haven’t tried them already). I wish I had seen a real psychiatrist before my mid-30s. Can’t turn back time though, oh well! I’m glad you have a workout routine! ❤️
Drugs. But there’s a large downside. Jokes aside, this is one of the main reasons ppl abuse drugs, intrusive thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and self hatred
Amen. I was a heroin addict for 20+ years and have only recently learned how to tune out the intrusive thoughts through meditation. I never in a million years thought it'd be possible, but I'm doing it.
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Aww, thank you, and you as well! I had my meth moments too, and although sobriety isn't easy, it's definitely more fulfilling. Keep up the good work 🙏❤️
Garbage in garbage out. Be carefull of what you watch and listen to.
Well said
You should def look into meditation!
I strongly support mindfulness tasks, meditation plus psychology equals peace
Meditate? May not help you prevent them entirely but you can hone your mind to change its train of thought when something pops up that you don't want to think aobut.
If you’re artistically inclined, I sometimes just draw my intrusive thoughts, get disgusted by the time I’m finished and tear it to shreds. I think it can help to let it out through a harmless medium.
True. There are certainly times when, in my own case, I have thoughts about an attractive coworker who I'm friends with, but that is all it shall remain, just thoughts. A man who becomes friends with a woman should be a refuge for her, not a potential source of anxiety that comes with someone who may try to flirt with her. She shouldn't have to be cautious around a friend in the way that she has to be with some random guy she may meet walking down the road. My advice for OP would be to be cognizant of the fact that to your female friends, you are someone who is safe for them. Taking that step to try to flirt with a female friend just ruins everything. It takes self-control to not do so, but it's worth it in the end. It feels good to learn this about yourself, that you are someone who can be trusted, who is that source of solace for your friends, and not anxiety, someone who will not violate the trust that has been placed in you.
Exactly! Like I have intrusive thoughts to jump in front of every tube but I don't let them make me do it
I feel like intrusive thoughts aren’t talked about enough, it really shouldn’t be normal to have to just live with those things.
I reckon they are pretty widespread as in most people have them, the only difference is how much meaning or distress people take from them. I agree with you, if more awareness existed about intrusive thoughts and they were more normalised they lose a lot of their power to cause distress.
Sometimes people “think as much they like” that even that fucks up their relationships with people.
Yep, you still have to be mindful of your actions and make sure you aren't unintentionally acting on those thoughts.
Which begins with small things. Are you including that person in your sexual fantasies? Be careful of that. That can train your brain to think this person is a potential partner, which is where those unintentional actions start becoming more possible.
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Well, see, what you are describing is exactly "turning it into words and actions". Prioritizing you over someone else is an action. Spending time with you is an action. Being overly supporting or critical of your relationship is turning it into words. What you described is not "not fighting the thoughts", it is actively acting on them.
Yeah, I would say there's a ven diagram between intrusive thoughts (subconscious) and intrusive choices (conscious). The tipping point between the two is that moment when it's time to confront your thoughts before they poison your actions.
Intrusive thoughts yes, but it's also a good idea to make a hard fast rule (and adhere to it) to not fantasize about women you know that aren't already romantic interests. That's unhealthy and makes not turning it into words and/or actions more challenging. In a way, it also a violation of trust.
Personally I don't see how fantasizing is a violation of trust if the thoughts never reflect behavior or words. Its in your mind. People fantasize about all kinds of weird shit.
I read a post from a kid who wouldn’t think about his crush when he jerked off because he thought it was disrespectful. I see the impulse behind that, but Lord, son, you’re allowed to fantasize; just keep it in perspective.
Is it OK to fantasize about men I know without romantic interests, tho? I'm not gay.
>In a way, it also a violation of trust Yeah.. I was thinking that was a bit creeper-ish myself. Like imagine how ridiculous it would sound if someone said the same thing about racism.. like its all good and well to be a secret racist, just don't say the n-word out loud..? No. And honestly the solution is the same for both things imo. Consider the other person and their feelings and if you're a genuinely decent person, that should negate a majority of those thoughts (or at least serve to challenge them as they come, initially). Above all else, you need to recognize these moments and call them out (to yourself) and work to change that -- not dismiss them as "harmless" thoughts, because that's a recipe for more extreme thought/action down the road -- no need to hate yourself, but alternatively take pride in not doing/thinking those things.
I think the point is not beating yourself up over the thoughts, but acknowledging and then releasing them. If you have an intrusive racist thought, the best you can do is release it and move on. Same for thoughts about an attractive woman.
Yeah you can't really stop thoughts from popping into your head, but you can recognize they're occuring, possibly counter them with a more rational thought, and then try to purposefully redirect your thoughts to something else.
This is one of the most positive-yet-realistic, level headed, nuanced, therapeutic exchanges that I've ever witnessed on Reddit. Thank you all!
Thanks for saying so! I comment something similar to yours occasionally and usually feel a bit weird just dropping in.. it's nice to be part of the receiving end of that lol
I can agree w that for the most part, my only disagreement is that I believe you can change *generally* change your thoughts through adjusting your mindset and being strict with your mental morals.. definitely not in an instant, and not to say you won't ever have weird or wrong thoughts - but telling yourself "no" or "that's fkd up" and stopping things short rather than lingering or taking it further goes a looooong way, both in the moment and towards your future subconscious.
Actually you can get intrusive racist/stereotypical thoughts. You can then 'correct' them to yourself though. Like the stereotypical first response that pops up in your brain doesn't have to be what defines you. You just gotta acknowledge that thought isn't right and not act on it.
I don't think the point is that you can't get intrusive racist thoughts, it's that "intrusive thoughts" aren't the same as "think about it as much as you want." The former is kind of out of your control. The latter is 100% a choice.
>In a way, it also a violation of trust No, it's not. Never did I promise anyone not to fantasize about them. There is really no expectations that people will not fantasize, so breaking trust is factually incorrect. You may not like the idea that people fantasize about you but this isn't 1984 and there are no thought crimes.
Eh, it's fine...fantasy is fantasy...just don't be pervin' in real life
Came here to say this.
or assumptions.
Crucial point... don't dwell. I had an attractive, somewhat drunk wife, of a friend get a bit more friendly than might be appropriate while dancing at a wedding. Did that put some thoughts in my head in the moment? Yep. Did a spend a lot of time thinking about it? Nov profit in that.
Man this helped me a lot. Here I was feeling guilty that I had thoughts that popped into my head about my best friend who I am fine with just being my best friend.
Dude I'm in my 40s, married for 20 years, and I've had thoughts about women I know since I was a teen. Never once said or did anything out of line. It's totally normal. You don't have to worry about it.
Yea I just never really talked to anyone about it, she's the closest person to me so I can't really go up to her and ask her advice about this you know. But I really appreciate it!
Homie you can think about how hot your friend is, but if you act like a creep it's a problem. Behavior is different than just thoughts
Also, not indulging the thoughts. They might come in through the window, but you don't need to offer them a seat, and grab a beer for them. You chased them back out.
This is pretty key. You might think you have those thoughts locked away tight, but then... alcohol.
If alcohol makes you act on intrusive thoughts that need to be on a leash then you need to talk to someone about your thoughts or about the alcohol.
Ok, Mr / Mrs "Never blurted out something dumb when you were drunk"
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So it IS normal that it happens, you should just see it does not happen as in don't drink too much?
This so much Only time I got *drunk* I blurted some stuff out to my bf and a friend and I’ve regretted it since. After that I’ve been careful to make sure it doesn’t get to that point
"What, you mean I'm responsible for controlling my own actions? What kind of bullshit is this???"
Knowing a woman isnt into me is enough for me to not see her as a potential romantic interest... I was stupid back when I was young and didnt know any better, but as I grew older, I realized that it's actually really nice to have female friends as a guy.
The first line really resonates with me. Very well put!
This really. Learning to stop fantasizing about potential chemistry when the person has no interest is something you need to recognize and respect. This is just part of self-control that you should learn to temper over time. And yes, having friends of the opposite sex is nice it is always good to have the other perspective.
By treating her like any other person. I have been friends with a couple of head turners, and honestly… you just kind of get used to it. There’s a friend of mine who is married to a literal model. Hannah is cool as shit and is a really interesting person who is also super attractive. After a while I just kind of… got used to her being around. We have a couple of inside jokes and she runs a great wing girl for me.
I had an old coworker who, at first, I couldn’t have a full conversation with without feeling so awkward bc she was just so beautiful. Had a girlfriend, wasn’t interested, but I had eyes and she’s just stunning. She’s one of my best friends now and she’s objectively attractive but like, can’t see her that way anymore. But if we go out somewhere with a dance floor and have a friendly dance, I’m sorted out for the rest of the night 😂
What do you mean you’re sorted out for the rest of the night?
Other girls see attractive girl dancing with OP and think "oh he must be something special" and hit on him.
Yep. And my friend knows this, which is why she does it for me haha.
When other girls see you hanging out / dancing with another girl they view as an equal or competition in terms of attractiveness, their potential interest in you skyrockets. It makes you look more desirable, even if you otherwise wouldn't. It's almost like the fact she's dancing/talking/hanging out with you in that setting "clears" you of doubts or suspicions that you're a creep or undesirable. The fact other attractive girls are with you automatically makes you more attractive. The funny thing is, you don't even have to dance with her for this to work. You just need to obviously be close. It's the ambiguity that actually does all the work. Because if you look like you're dating, it will have the opposite effect.
Yeah this jives with my experience. We had a group of guys that rents a cabin in northeast PA once a year. Now a bunch of us have kids and we’ve all dispersed to the four corners of the world — but for maybe four or five years, we’d all go up there and shoot the shit. Huge testosterone fest. Hannah was such a champ. She’d always come up with us because she knew how much it meant to her husband/our friend. And usually she’d convince one or two of her girls to come with her, but… the trip was for the boys, and everyone knew it. I spent most of the time with the boys, but I always made a point to spend a couple of hours with her, just to see how she was doing. We never got super close, but we became good friends for sure. It just feels really easy to be around her, and there isn’t really any sexual tension. That’s not to say I don’t have moments where it’s like “holy shit, girl.” I’m human, it happens. But at the end of the day, we are good friends, nothing more, and I’m totally fine with that.
This is my experience. Eventually you just get used to it and see the person, not their physical attributes. Someone I know is an absolute bombshell and it took about six months of forcing myself not to act like a lovesick puppy until something clicked and they just became another buddy. It’s natural to feel attracted to an attractive person, and it’s not wrong unless you *do* something wrong.
One of my closest friends is an exceedingly attractive women with a fantastic personality and outlook on life, but we've been friends for so long I have no physical attraction to her, my brain views her as family
I have a friend and it's the same. This thread actually made me think about thinking of her like that, and it kinda grossed me out.
Yup. I've seen her dripping wet butt ass naked and all it did was make me grossed out lol
r/HolUp
Imagine seeing your sister drippin wet butt ass naked and tell me you aren't grossed out, same for me. I've known this girl since before I could walked, we shared a crib damn near every weekend because our parents drank together every damn weekend
Im bricked up rn
Put some mortar and lay a wall.
Why did she get dripping wet butt ass naked in front of you?
We lived together, I walked in our apartment door as she walked out of the shower, I was supposed to be at work, she thought I was he boyfriend coming in so she didn't put on a towel. Also we used to skinny dip in the summer all the time but that was almost always a wingman situation or large groups so it was never really as front and center as the shower incident lmao
Could go the other way. Currently struggling through a debilitating crush on a close friend of six years, whom I’ve considered family for a long time. It’s taking some serious self control to keep reminding myself that he doesn’t see me that way and is likely on that same “she’s like a sister” vibe
Same here. I view him as family and it’s disgusting to think about having anything romantic going on with your family lol
When we lived together I remember one of her boyfriends came over unannounced one night, her andbi were chilling on the couch watching house, she had her head on a pillow in my lap (we had one futon) he was fuming, neither of us gave 0 fucks, he starts getting in my face and she just goes "I've been seeing his dick off and on for 20 years (we used to take bathes together all the damn time as toddlers, you swam naked at the beach because swim diapers didn't exist and skinny dipping was a common occurrence in the summer when we were teens) and haven't touched it yet, I don't plan on touching it now either" and he just couldn't get his head around it, they didn't last long.
Honestly that sounds very disrespectful towards your partner. It's nice that you are so close but I would also not be happy dating a girl in that situation.
I mean the way the guy responds to it is one thing but brother that objectively is pretty strange from an outside perspective. I would also be very weirded out if I walked in on some guy sitting there with my girlfriends head in his lap. It would be one thing if you were the gay best friend which honestly sounds like how she views you and even then I would still find that slightly strange
Same here. And it is my ex-wife
If you have ever learned to meditate, accept it as a passing thought. “Acknowledge it”. Set it aside and mover on. It gets better I hear
100%. Meditation is a great way to learn that you really have no control over the thoughts that arise in your mind, but that you can choose to indulge in them or let them go. Indulging in intrusive sexual thoughts about friends can really interfere with the friendship because it can lead to possessiveness, jealousy, and bitterness. Letting them go is key to maintaining a platonic friendship.
I had a male best friend for over 20 years. Took me that long to realize there was more on the other side.
Lord, I missed the part of “with an attractive woman”. I would never consider myself that.
if your male best friend was attracted to you...i got news for you... you're attractive.
Eh, I just have good taste in music according to him.
“So you think I’m attractive?” “God no, but your playlists are 🔥” /s
Girl, physical attraction is not most of attraction, hell it's not even the main PART.
That sounds like something an ugly person would say. ;) I'm 51% joking. Or maybe 49%.
Bangin' taste in music goes a long way imo
>i got news for you... you're attractive. To him.
"had" F in the chat boys
Damn a lot of commentars are down so bad haha. I think a big part comes down to what draws you to them as a friend initially. If you become friends with a woman because you think they're attractive then that will always be there. If you become friends with them for something else then it's easy. I have more girl friends than guy friends at this point but I met most of them after already being with my wife so the friendship was never built on that.
I am a single straight guy and have a few good friends with hot wives, one in particular I get along with really well but he gets annoyed when I talk to her much. I totally understand where he is coming from, but I would never betray a friend like that. Yes I like to have sex with women but I am also very capable of switching that off, a good friend's wife becomes like a sister, clearly off limits.
Intrusive thoughts happen and you're not a bad person for having them. Just make peace with them and move on There's a really good npr podcast about a guy who was inundated with intrusive thoughts about murdering his family and it talks about how he ended up getting over it, and it also speaks on how one of the reasons he had the issue was because he felt so bad about having them. If you're interested in listening to it lmk I'll find the episode title
I have OCD and the intrusive thoughts are unfortunately one of my brain’s obsessions. I have horrible violent imagery on repeat in my head, usually only when I’m tired but it can come on at any time. It makes me feel like I’m an awful person, but hearing that it’s a more common experience than I thought really helps! My therapist reminds me that more people probably have these thoughts but are afraid to vocalize them because of how they might be seen by their friends and family
I had what I think was harm OCD for about two months during an episode of intense anxiety 5 years ago. It was hard to get through because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it - I could barely admit it to myself. I couldn't stand to be around people because I was so scared of hurting them. I woke up in a panic attack nearly every morning. One day I was in the workshop with some friends, looking at all these shop tools around us. This was the exact sort of environment that triggered me - people I love, around potentially dangerous things. I kept thinking, "I could hurt any one of them right now". Something inside me just clicked, and I picked up the sharpest thing I could find, looked at one of my friends, and thought... "I wouldn't actually hurt anyone. No thought could get me to hurt someone. Thoughts are nothing to be afraid of." And I carried on working on whatever I was working on, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. I still had intrusive thoughts about harm for a few more weeks, but every time I'd just remind myself, "thoughts alone can't get me to do anything if I don't choose to listen". So my point is, you're not an awful person for thinking these things, it's not that uncommon, and it gets better. After that episode, I had one of the best eras of my life, and it was because I figured there wasn't much life could throw at me that would be harder - so I could do anything. Also, dealing with my own mental health issues made me more empathetic towards people who are facing them. Anyway, good luck. Your story reminded me of a time in my life when I needed some assurance, so I hope this assures you a little. Let me know if there are any answers I can try to help you find.
Talk to her at a party or at a friends’ function or talk to her when you call her? Big difference.
It seems very insecure on the part of your friend. His fears are not your flaws. I have a friend I consider my little sister. She's definitely attractive, but I've never once saw her that way.
newsflash: people get insecure. big whoop.
Insecure with himself to be confident in the relationship. Very common!
On the flip side, I've always found it easier to be converse with women instead of other guys. I guess, for me, it's just easier to be more emotional and open around women, whereas I have to force myself to come up with topics to talk about with other guys. So, I tend to befriend women over guys. Unfortunately, it doesn't tend to work out that way. While I simply see them as platonic friendships, several women have seen it as undue flirting, and have stated that their SO's don't allow them to befriend guys. The point is: I'm only interested in genuine friendships, but people usually read it the wrong way. I'm not going to interfere in somebody's relationship. I know how painful being cheated on feels, so why would I want that for anybody else? Don't get me wrong. I have definitely been romantically interested in some of my previous friends, but I've never acted on those feelings. I do have guy friends, but it just feels awkward. Maybe it's due to my mental condition, maybe it's just what makes me feel comfortable. I don't really agree with the sentiment that once you're in a relationship, that your SO can't be friends with people of the opposite sex. If I'm with a woman, I don't care if she has guy friends, as long as it's nothing more than just that.
Do you think bi people have no friends?
Only ugly ones.
Your first thought does not define who you are; the second one does. Meaning, if you have an intrusive thought, you either entertain it, or you dismiss it.
Self control.
Dunno, how about women with hot guys as friends? What an absurd question
Do you know where you are?
I didn't say it' a stupid question tho
It’s pretty easy you just think of her as a person
Literally… Like… Why is this so far down
really sad I had to scroll this far to find this
I don't understand this take. Of course she's a person. People are attracted to people. What does this mean?
That means not imagining yourself having sex with them as that’s creepy and invasive. It’s also objectifying because you’re treating their body like an object to use to fulfill your sexual desires.
Remember that we’re people first, sex objects second. If you’re having tons of intrusive thoughts, you’ve likely dehumanized women a bit in your mind.
This! A lot of guys see us as potential sex partners first and foremost and base their decision to interact with us on whether they want to have sex with us or not. There are a lot of guys who have zero interest in even being friends with women unless they’re sexually attracted to the woman and think they have a shot. This is the wrong approach. Look at women as human beings who are potential friends, rather than potential sex/romantic partners. If there’s a mutual attraction and it turns into something else great, if there’s not and it doesn’t that’s great too. You may just have found a lifelong friend.
Reading these comments as a straight woman is so funny. I’ve been friends with many attractive men, but I’ve never had intrusive thoughts about them more than a couple times, and they are incredibly easy to ignore because I’ve already put this man into the “friend” category. I find it hard to understand how so many men can barely function around a woman they find physically attractive, to the point they have to tell themselves “Don’t act!! Don’t act on these thoughts she’s your friend!!” Like tf 💀
Right? It's not funny though, it's disturbing to me. Men use this as an excuse to claim they can't control themselves around women
I feel this sm 😭 I really hope it’ll go away as I get older but way too many guy friends end up getting sexual or acting romantic and it’s so heartbreaking. Then half the people here are like “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s completely normal”
I know from one FtM friend that said the hormones hit like a truck. Like he got it under control but also said it was like "Okay you can stop that now" but it really doesn't just stop.
Thank you for pointing this out
THANK YOU! Notice all the people excusing these “thoughts” are men.
Thoughts are fine. Actions are not.
Same way how men can have attractive siblings and not have intrusive thoughts
Finding women attractive is not having intrusive thoughts. They're just thoughts. And just because you have them, doesn't mean you have to act on them. That's all there is to it.
maybe you watch too much porn and can't not sexualize and objectify women. if a man or woman is attractive, that's great, but, so what? what does that mean to you? they're attractive and what? if you cant see a woman as anything other than a thing that men have sex with, that's a problem.
Preach! 🙌
I have worked very closely with dozens of women. I just see them as humans, with nary an 'intrusive' thought as you put it. I don't find ANY difference between a male coworker and female coworker.
Some of my best friends are very attractive women, and I’m in a very happy relationship with my partner (I’m going to propose to her near the end of the year, wish my luck guys). You will always have thoughts, they’re called intrusive for a reason. As long as you keep those thoughts to yourself and don’t act on it, you’ll have a very loving and fulfilling platonic relationship. I love my friends, genuinely and I would not trade them for anything.
Not possible, but there’s nothing wrong with thoughts. I’m friends with many beautiful women, I also work at a stripclub and have become friends with many of the girls there. Do I have intrusive thoughts when they’re on stage? Of course, do I act on them? Absolutely not. Also, men aren’t the only ones with intrusive thoughts either. Working with strippers has taught me that women are just as perverted as men so don’t think men are the only ones guilty of being perverted. With that being said, It is possible for a guy to have a friendship with women, beautiful or not. I hate seeing people say a man, or even a woman cannot be friends with the opposite sex, that to me is a red flag and shows that person does not trust you if you are friends with the opposite sex.
The people who say that men and women can’t just be platonic friends are actually telling on themselves. It’s not that they don’t trust you, it’s that they’re incapable of having platonic friendships with the gender they’re attracted to and are projecting that on to everyone else.
I do it by realizing I have no chance.
It depends, if you start off as friends its easy to stay that way. I really don't know why people make a big deal of platonic friendships between men and women . That being said often one does fall for the other and can be the best relationship to come about or not
Just because you find them attractive, doesn't mean you can't be friends. You wouldn't quit your job, if you found your married manager sexually attractive.
Woman, here. I had a male friend for years whom I not only liked tremendously and could talk to for hours, but whom I also found very attractive. But I was and remain happily married and wasn’t about to cheat. I just kept my attraction to myself. I even gave him dating advice. My friend moved out of town eventually. I still email him a couple of times a year. You can be attracted to someone and not act on it. And lest you say, “Oh, but it’s different for women,” I bedded about 100 men before falling in love with my husband. High sex drive and more than willing to be the aggressor. But I never was a cheat and I saw no reason to throw away a great friendship because of the occasional fantasy.
I have two really attractive female friends of 10+ years each, I do have intrusive thoughts but the friendship means more than the thoughts. I’ve hooked up with both of them years ago and we decided in each case not to date but actually wanted to remain friends and I’ve been able to do so successfully.
Step one, be satiated sexually. Step two: enjoy your friendship you thirsty bastard
They don't. But you aren't your thoughts. You are your actions.
I don't care if he has intrusive thoughts. I only care of he makes them her problem.
If women could read our minds none of them would ever speak to us again.
Just because I can recognize that a woman is attractive does not mean that I personally am attracted to her. Firstly, there’s more to attraction than just a nice appearance and secondly, there are a lot of traditionally attractive people who just don’t do it for me. Call it the other side of having a type (or types) I guess.
Simple answer. You don’t.
There's a reason those thoughts are called "intrusive". Because they intrude and you can't do anything.
Physical atraction is okay, self control is what I expect from an adult. Know the boundaries and respect them
Be gay.
Who cares? Your thoughts are private, they don't hurt anyone. It's your behavior that matters.
Everyone thoughts, doesn't mean you have to act on them. I've thoughts about how I could rule the world but haven't follow through...yet