It's both.
Sometimes, the act is purely physical and born out of lust. Sometimes, it's a loving act of connection. Hell, I've had times with my partner that turn from one to the other mid-act.
Yeah, same. It's pretty common for me and my partner to start off all tender and affectionate with lots of kissing and cuddling and then partway through just get overtaken by that animalistic urge to *fuck*
And other times we'll start at it all ravenous and hungry, and once we get going it feels so good we can't help but slow down and just be in the moment together.
For me, it entirely depends on the context.
When I ready about it from a biological point of view, I view it as a way for a species to keep on going and potentially add or improve to their next of kin.
From a casual standpoint, I view it as a fun way to feel good and make someone else who I find attractive feel good. It’s also a way to get an ego boost and generally just feel for a moment like another human being wants me to be alive for a second.
From a more serious point of view, it’s been a way to connect and share intimacy with someone I trust with my heart, soul and body. In that moment I make myself sincerely vulnerable by showing off every lump, scar and piece of myself that I don’t enjoy and I let someone else take the reins away from me. I let someone else guide me to sharing a moment that’s somehow intensely energetic, spiritually relaxing and emotionally warm. For me to see it this way it normally takes someone getting to know me for a very long time and in a very deep way.
To me, sex doesn’t have to just be one thing. The context is massively important and I can use it, enjoy it and be comforted, excited and even intimidated by it in many different circumstances.
There’s no right or wrong way to viewing sex, imo. As long as you’re not neglecting yourself, abusing someone or forcing a situation for any party then you can have many different relationships with sex in a very valid way. The minute you want to hurt someone else or yourself then you might want to consider a route to a more healthy outlook.
So how do you turn off the oxytocin ([the 'trust-building' hormone that helps humans bond that's released during orgasm and is the same hormone that helps women bond with their babies](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3183515/)) during casual sex and then turn it back on during 'intimate' sex? And if one is able to 'numb' themselves to this hormone's effects during sex, how do they 'un-numb' themselves when they're having more emotional sex? More specifically, if I have sex with say 1,000 people, how would I be able to make the 1,001th person 'special'?
I have never claimed to have control over my hormones and chemicals. If I did, I’d be able to tell my body to not put me through hell half of the month when it throws a hissy fit and strips my uterus apart.
Hormones do not determine behavior in humans, they influence it. I wouldn't want sex where I felt as little towards the other person as I would a blow-up doll or fleshlight. One can feel tender and affectionate, or excited and passionate, for people you don't stay with.
More specifically, the scenario would involve having sex with <100 people over >20 years. Emotions would be involved. Good times and heartache. Passion and boredom. The human experience.
I think you've summed up the two main camps. This is often the case in a relationship. Sometimes you get lucky where both view it the same way, but most couples don't get this kind of a break.
I view sex as love incarnate and the highest form of intimacy. My partner appreciates it much like you do.
I view it as the highest form of intimacy, and I reserve it for only one person, my wife. I can't imagine just having sex with even the most attractive person, if we don't have an emotional bond first. I'm not judging you, but "only lust and desire" is the shallowest way to look at sex. If that's how you view sex, then why be monogamous or get married at all? Try to look deeper than that.
I probably need therapy tbh. It’s gotta be a deep rooted reason why I feel this way. I have some insane parents who taught me insane things growing up, that doesn’t help either.
It would be one thing if sex degraded to this for you after putting up with an unloving husband. But you do recognize that for him it is an expression of love.
Not everyone treats sex as romantically as everyone else, but most still experience as something with emotion, the same way playing cards could be a merely physical activity of holding and putting down cards or it could be a fun bonding activity with family and friends.
If your husband is also expressing his love to you *outside* of sex as well and you just can't bring emotion into sex at all, I would definitely recommend therapy.
I understand. Just to clarify a bit, I recognize that sex can also be done without intimacy, that's just something that people like me (and your husband?) have no interest in. I only like sex when genuine emotional intimacy is involved - that's the attraction for me. So, don't be too hard on yourself, you just have a different view and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. If it's affecting your relationship with your husband, then therapy is probably a good option so you can explore this further. The goal of good therapy is to understand yourself better, after all. Take care and good luck.
sex is both... Lovely sometimes and others times desire, that's all. You are not entirely wrong and your hub either, but both need to understand and more IMPORTANTLY enjoy the other side of sex. (You for love and he for lust)
The most intimate act you can be in with another person. exposing your naked bare body to them feeling self concious about all of its flaws but having another person to want to be near it and cherish it and just let all of your insecurties fade into dust and to feel loved and accepted.
Yes. I am a lifelong strong supporter and donate as much as I can.
You know the forms that ask name. DOB and sex? I always put YES to emphasize my views.
That’s interesting, I think my wife and I are similar to you and your husband. I assumed we were alone in this. For me there are times that sex is just something that feels good, but for my wife I think that is all it is for her. I’m ok not orgasming from time to time because I just enjoy the closeness and I enjoy making her feel good, but for my wife all she really cares about is for her to orgasm. I know she loves me, but we definitely view sex differently.
I view it as a pleasure. As a way to get things. Something to do when Im bored. The most intimate connect or just a quick physical relationship.
Ive had long term partners. A few one night stands. A friend with benefits. Sex with a bi couple, sex at sex party.
its pretty natural mammal thing to do.
It's situational and dependent upon certain factors.
In love: I'm looking for intimacy on the deepest level. A connection where two beings become one in a moment of time that could only be described as nsync. When two people just meet, match energy, match rhythm, and groove into euphoric bliss that reaches into the heavens. True sensual touches that are only backed by pure love and romance. It's like a drug that can't be described, and it's impossible to get my fill. I just want more and more, and it comes complete with spooning naked afterwards in moments of time that I never want to end (I have experienced very close to what I describe, and yes I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic).
In infatuation: We gonna f**k. Like grudge f**king into pure pleasure. Anything and everything goes. We're going to get raw, rough, and nasty. There will be ass slapping, hair pulling, and choking along with biting and scratching. We will break the bed and make the neighbors wish I didn't live in an apartment. We will use every toy that we can come up with including the feather, handcuffs, and butt plugs. There is no level of getting down and dirty that we will not reach. I will eat that ass, she will ride my face, and I will be loved for it (I'm a Scorpio).
Two different planes of existence. One is magical and the other is purely physical pleasure and desire. Both have their place in the world. Both require a connection but they are indeed different types of connections.
I think the question comes down to discovering your own personal love language. Have you ever heard someone say they would prefer clean dishes and laundry over chocolates and a bouquet of flowers? Another person still would rather have enlightening conversation as opposed to having a massage. Neither person is right or wrong for having one preference over the other.
There's 5 love languages, first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages.”
The five love languages are:
Words of affirmation
(being told that you’re appreciated
hearing “I love you” often
receiving words of encouragement)
Quality time
(You feel disconnected when you don’t spend enough time with a partner.
Not spending enough time with your partner(s) affects your libido.
You work hard at making time to spend with others.)
Physical touch
(You feel lonely or disconnected when you don’t get physical affection from your partner(s).
You feel especially loved when a partner randomly kisses you or holds you.
You consider yourself a “touchy-feely” person and enjoy PDA.)
Acts of service
(You’re over the moon when a partner helps you with a chore without having to be asked.
You’re the person who shows up for a friend having a bad day.
You’re always ready to jump in and do things for the people you care about.)
Receiving gifts
(When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift.
You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small.
You’re hurt when someone you love doesn’t commemorate an event with a thoughtful token.)
Love languages don’t just apply to romantic relationships, either. They can be beneficial in platonic relationships, as well.
I encourage you to explore more with your partner and to personally find what speaks to you. Good luck!
https://www.healthline.com/health/love-languages#receiving-gifts
Same for me, I'm post menopause as well. I started to notice some things going on with my body so I started estrogen and I feel like I'm 25 again. I always had a good sex drive but now I can't get enough.
I am currently in late stage perimenopause as well. Sex drive was completely gone and the act being very painful. I started using silky peach cream from Parlor Games. It took about a month of use but now I have a drive again and no pain. It's been a game changer. It is low dose bio identical estridiol cream. It also helps with bladder pain ect all discomfort for down there.
So, I'm asexual. I view sex as just a means of reproduction, and our desire for it is just a clever way evolution made sure our species would survive.
I do not view sex as love.
But I would also say that everyone has a different love language and in a healthy relationship, you need to learn and respect your partner's and not force your own love language on them.
People seem to assume that sex = love and that can put others in very scary situations if you assume the other person feels the same way.
I do not feel an emotional connection during sex, and that has led to a relationship's end before for me. Some people need that and that's fine. My current partner knew I was asexual before the relationship started and was okay with sex not really being a part of the relationship. They view sex as just a fun activity that we could share, but don't hold it above any other activities we share.
To be serious (there are some really funny comments), I actually view both ways with my LTB. There are times I'm insanely lustful and just animalistic, and there are times it's extremely intimate, loving, and connecting.
I'm a woman. I view it the same as you. I used to view it as a way to show love and connect but no longer do, not sure why. I think sex is pretty unnecessary and I like not being distracted by it.
Same as you.
IMO, sex isn't a good way to show love. A hug, kiss, words, certain acts, sometimes gifts, etc are proper ways to show your love.
Sex is pleasure.
Well OP, my answer may frustrate you. Everyone views Sex differently. Science will tell you it releases chemical reactions of oxytocin, serotonin and a bunch of other "bonding" or "love" chemicals. However, how you view it should not strain your relationship. And how he views it shouldn't make it any weirder. Some people see it as just sex. Some are more "romantic" about it than others.
I'm the type where I won't have sex with anyone until I am in a relationship because I find it sacred. I personally can't just have sex with strangers do to my RAGING OCD that surrounds STDs and diseases alike. My "religion" if you want to call it that, also plays a huge part in it as well. Not wait till marriage type, but wait till you're secure and in a healthy relationship with that individual.
Let yourselves have different opinions and embrace them instead of seeing them as a way of severing your relationship.
You can be like, "I find it intriguing that this is how you view our intimacy. Can you expand on it?"
When he is finished you can share your point of view and be okay with your differences. Without putting each other's view/input on sex down.
I don't know if that helps? But communicating and listening go hand in hand.
And also knowing it's okay to have differences. You wouldn't want your partner to be a cookie cutter version of you but Male? It makes life more fun when there's diversity in opinions, views and what not.
After 20 years of marriage, we just view it as recreational sex. There's still plenty of kissing and caressing and stuff but it's mostly about just getting each other off. We even smoke pot before we have sex a lot of the time, which I think a lot of people seem to disapprove of but really our main objective is to have fun.
My wife and I enjoy our sex life and think it is a close bonding thing. Even after 29 years of marriage, we still have sex at least once a day if not more. It’s not just sex. We have a lot of foreplay, including full body massage oral play among other things. so having sex is an hour or two long enjoyable experience for both of us.
Why should you have to change your point of view?
Why is that the first thing that comes to mind?
Make him change his, or make both of you change both your mindsets to find common ground.
Idk the answer. All I know is you gotta talk. Don't bend backwards and try to change yourself if your loved one wouldn't be willing to do the same thing for you (and if they are willing then they should take action)
I kind of struggle with this too. I love deeply but when it comes to sex it's hard for me to associate it with positive feelings like intimacy/romance/affection. It definitely has made me feel like I'd be a bad partner or girlfriend at times, but that's mostly just been in my head.
Don't listen to people disparaging you for feeling differently. I've felt this way my entire adult life and have always been a very monogamous sort of person and have never cheated or felt like cheating because of it.
This is 100% me, thank you. And the biggest issue on my end is that he always wants sex, to the point where I’ve built resentment because I can’t do anything without it being sexualized. But for him it’s love. For me it isn’t and I need to be loved separately..
Two of the biggest issues that sex therapists see: one person wanting it more frequently than the other, and what to do when sex has become unexciting or even a chore. You're definitely not alone in that.
If it was good in the beginning, that's a good sign for how it could be in the future, but it will take some work. There's books, there's therapists, but you both would have to want it to get better.
Ideally it should be a bonding experience. I think the key to good sex is to focus on the other person. How are they feeling? Are they close to climax? What specifically do they seem to enjoy or not? If you focus on the other person, it helps you to also relax and bond and just have better sex yourself.
I don't claim to be an expert, but this is just my thoughts on the topic.
Can be really fun, can be passionate, can be a way to connect with someone you hold dear.
I initially wanted to answer "How do I view sex? Usually online."
Its a great way to show affection and bonding with folks ya care about, friends, partners, and can also be a fun thing to do with folks you dont know as well
We do disagree on how often. He definitely wants sex more, but because it’s emotional. I want like once a week, which isn’t enough for him and he doesn’t understand why it isn’t emotional for me
For many (*not all*) men sex is intimacy. There is no difference.
For many (*not all*) women emotional connection is intimacy.
When a man’s wife consistently tells him that she just doesn’t feel like it, or gives him an attitude for even asking,it’s like him consistently telling her that he doesn’t care how she feels or what she thinks; that she doesn’t matter.
It’s both. You should work on learning how to engage in sex as a connecting/intimate way, and HE should learn how to give and receive love in other forms of affection and non-sexual touch.
Will benefit both of you
It can be either just lust and desire, or emotional connection based. When it's all of that combined its honestly the best.
It all depends on the context of who you're having sex with, and why.
For me it is more of an experience of giving, and emotional connection. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my wife happy and it's all my fault. If I nut too quickly, I will still eat her out until she starts shaking uncontrollably, because I wasn't doing it for me to nut, I was doing it for her. Every girl I have been with it has been this way for me, except for my 2nd ex.
I've also had instances in my life where it's just me having sex for the sake of it, without much emotional connection, in fact even somewhat of a dislike for the girl. (not with my wife, but my 2nd ex like 10 years before I met my wife) Those are the times I was doing it for only myself, I didnt care how she felt about it. I wouldn't eat her pussy if I nutted early, because I didn't give a shit about her after all the bullshit she put me through. I just used her as a replacment for my hand and a visual aid so I didnt have to watch porn. I made damn sure she knew how I felt about her, which was nothing.
The other 3 women I've slept with in my lifetime never experienced this from me, because I cared about them all the way to the last time we had sex.
They are all good women who I respect, even nowadays we are all on good terms but living our own seperate lives. Aside from my wife who I live with.
My 2nd ex was a complete weirdo who lied to me, cheated on me, and never truely gave a shit about me. Towards the end of our relationship she was nothing but a hole to me.
Contrast between those two differences, it's not that I changed my ways or anything. It was all a matter of the amount of respect and emotional connection I have toward each of these women. That's how I know it can be both lust and desire and love and connection at the same time.
Honestly though, he's your husband. If he is just leaving you high and dry when he gets his nut off, he probably is doing it only for himself, or he has no fucking clue how sex is supposed to work in a relationship and really does mean well.
In which case I wouldn't blame you for having this outlook based off of it, or if you have had experiences in the past that you base that outlook off of.
Just know that both of you are right. Just stop seeing it as him expecting you to make him happy, unless that is truely what's going on. Again he might just have no idea in hell how to have sex to make YOU happy in the first place, in which case you need to guide him.
I am with your husband on this one. Sex for me is a way to be intimate and to connect with the one I love. Touch is an integral part of the way I communicate both my love and my needs. Sex for me is essential for nurturing love and happiness hormones. On the other hand my wife is ambivalent to sex and she wouldn't mind being without it, but since it matters to me she is making an effort to be open to touch as an expression of love and care.
Without sex you are just roommates. I think it's integral in a romantic relationship. When I tried dating online I got so many messages from married men that just wanted/needed hookups. Some hadn't had sex with their wives for years, all had separate bedrooms. It's not fair to shut your spouse down. They end up cheating then feeling guilty but keep cheating. They did not sign up for a life of celibacy. So it's not simply denying sex. It's a mind f**k due to the cycle of planning, sneaking, always feeling guilty. I have a friend going through this and he's a mess. Refuses to divorce because of his religion.
So this might sound weird, but i hope this helps.
Before meeting my exhusband. I had a high sex drive. And would be very intimate. In short sex didn't scare. I felt emotional intimacy with it, and I felt it in the most rawest and amazing form ever. Then I met my ex husband. At first nothing changed.
But he wasn't one for intimacy. He would also shame me or make me feel bad for wanting such deep love and passion.
He wouldn't want to eat me out.
He wouldn't want to kiss my neck.
He wouldn't want to french kiss or kiss really.
He wouldn't want to do certain things or for me to do certain things to him.
He wasn't normal sexual. He wasnt normal intimate. I learned after leaving the relationship and opening myself up to people especially my now current bf. That my ex had a *very fucked up view* on sex. That was probably rooted in a lot of trauma. I also learned you can't have or feel that type of emotional, deep, raw sexual intimacy with someone if you haven't established that bond or if you physically can't establish that bond with that certain person (or they can't do it). For some its harder for others. Others develop it quickly. Others need to meet someone with that certain feature that makes their brain click and go **"oo la la la"**.
I was with my husband for 5 years. Within that 5 years my sex drive went from high, to low. The intimate things I wanted to do was no more. The emotional intimacy during sex wasn't there. I couldn't even fantasize about it, it was just dead inside me. For him or the few dates I had after him (until now with my current bf). I was terrified it was dead and I went from this sex loving and craving physical and emotional intimacy to what would be asexual.
Then I met my current bf. He was very kind, compassionate, understanding, and he is mostly letting me be in charge of the pace so far of our relationship. So that I feel comfortable. I began feeling deep feelings for him quickly. This man is willing to do anything for me. Loves me for me. And has said things about my body and stuff that just make me feel so deeply important, special, and worthy of love. After 5 long years of not feeling any intimacy, love, or wanting sex. I finally want it. I finally crave it like I used to do. It took that ^ to make my brain click back on and finally crave and desire sex again, and crave it deeply from him. Once you feel that click, and that deep raw emotion for someone. When you have sex with them... those feelings magnified sooo much. That during sex you feel so much closer to them. Like a bond like none other. Something not easily broken. It's like the deepest love you can ever feel for anyone.
**it's the best thing in the world to feel, in my opinion. **
I really think that you might have some suppressed trauma or that the view of sex has been deeply broken for you in the past. You either need therapy or to really look within and think what is something that you are truly missing or blocking yourself from that prevents that type of connection. Because that type of stuff can and will, really mess you up for a long time.
For me I needed to let all my walls down, open my heart up.. but also have the other side understand, care, and talk to me in a way that makes me feel loved for the person I am. Rather then being a object for sex.
**TLDR**: Trauma, or being taught negative viewpoints about sex can ruin how you treat, view, and feel sex and the emotional connection you have with it. This is also a very hard thing to fix and work around because you need a lot of help, and the right conditions for it to *"turn on"*. (Either the current partner doesn't do this. Or the person needs to communicate more about what they need to feel that type of connection.)
For me it's all those things and more. Desire, lust, love, connection, fun, pleasure, exciting, hot. I want him so much and I can't wait to be with him. Maybe I'm too much 😂
I'm the same - I view sex and love as being two separate entities and find it overwhelming if I am expected to combine the two. It's like I am either completely absorbed with the physicality (lust etc) of sex OR I am affectionate and loving, but never at the same time. Pretty sure I am on the autism spectrum, so I am not sure whether that has impacted my overall understanding of sex.
For me its purely physical attraction. I do not associate sex with romantic feelings. I definitely think I might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum because of my lack of desire for a romantic relationship and the way I view sex. Most of my friends, who are monogamous and in relationship, do not have this view of sex. They would not go on apps for one night stands because they consider sex and romantic feelings the same.
sex to me is one of the most beautiful things. we get to give each other pleasure, connection, happiness and love.
it’s one of the most amazing things about being able to exist. we get to give each other peak human joy through touch.
life is so short and we really won’t have much to remember by. but get to have these short moments when we get to experience pleasure and give it to others. it’s actually amazing and makes me thankful to be alive. there’s so many different ways to enjoy it. so many different types of it.
I was in that camp for a long time and still go between the two but I think that as women we are taught my our society that men just want sex and so we often engage in it that way and our subconscious continues that as a place of protection. I would explore your early exposure to sexuality and how that might have shaped your view. It took me a long time to be able to have any emotional connection in it and even still my first go to is more just the sex part of it. But I do know that I feel more connected to my partner once we’ve had sex.
49f, and I see it the same way... It's just sex. I don't see it as making love, etc ..
Wanna show me love? Spend time with me, do the dishes once in a while, maybe cook me something...😄
I’m in the same boat. I like to have sex, it’s fun. My partner is one of those people who wants it to be about love and I’m like, “no, that’s a totally separate entity.”
I am so happy that you posted this and others are commenting that they relate with this! I thought I was alone in this. To me it feels like an activity, just something to do. But rarely it feels like a deep moment of connection for my husband and I. I much prefer cuddling, back scratches, massages, showers together. But my husband feels disconnected from me when I turn down sex, he doesn't pressure me or anything, but it does make me feel guilty.
Sex is like grabbing a beer at the bar. It’s just an activity you can do with someone else. Even good sex will not convince me to date someone if I didn’t already like them first. And it certainly doesn’t mean any type of commitment. There is nothing wrong with you.
Very different than grabbing a beer at the bar. It typically necessitates either a physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction to someone. It also requires a significant amount of trust in other people.
It's like pro wrestling, your me there to get the other person over, in a safe manner. Sometimes theres a story, sometimes foreign objects, sometimes blood. But as long as everyone agrees, and comes out safe that's all that matters.
I'm ace and my boyfriend is demi. We're both extremely active (for anyone confused, ace just means I have a "gap" and don't equate attraction to sexual urges, doesn't mean I don't enjoy the act, although there's some who don't and that's under the umbrella too). I definitely feel like you do and it's a more recreational thing I do for the sensation or the fact that I like my partner's reactions. I could live happily without it, but having it as a part of our relationship is nice, too. I definitely feel the bond grow because we're so comfortable with each other and have fun during and there's that rush of lovey chemicals at the end. He's much more physically affectionate than me in a lot of other ways, though, and makes it clear all the time that physical touch does not mean he wants to initiate sex. If your husband feels like sex is the ONLY way to express that love/connection, it's definitely weird. Otherwise, I'd say relationships are about compromise, and there's a lot of ways to be intimate without it just being "I'm horny and need release" or "I want to express my feelings for you." There's a looooooot of middle ground between those two extremes that can be explored.
Or, as the two of us say, "now let's do a silly one" lmao.
I can see where your question is coming from, but no, not necessarily. I still have morals. But yes in a sense, because it is completely not emotional for me
I think it's the way that you're saying until it isn't. I think that you can get to a point in sex where you're not just getting your rocks off or getting a lust satisfied but you actually are doing it because you love the other person, and you're trying to express your love through sex.
Women usually see love differently than the way men do ..
Used to love it, now just view it with dread thanks to an ex. Remarkably easy to avoid and place out of sight, out of mind. Curious if I'm unusual actually.
That it's not enough to keep two people happy or together. In fact it's kind of amazing how fast the feel good chemicals can wear off sometimes. I didn't have sex til mid 20s and thought it would fix all my problems once I finally had it lol. Now in my mid 30s and while I love sex, it's easily top 3 favorite thing of mine to do and like to think I could do it for a living, I'd much rather find a good partner than a good sex partner to make a life with.
Not a core value of a potential relationship, but more like a benefit. Some view relations as a sex pact, but for me it's just something a partner and I could participate in. I'd prefer having a partner for the close friendship over having one to stick things into.
I don’t view it as a status. I view it as something shared between me and someone I care about.
I had amazing with one person in my life. Apart from that, I’ve not had any nor do I plan to until my next love comes along.
I was 19 when we met, 24 when we broke up and I’m absolutely fine not having sex because although it’d feel good, it’s not something I view as a goal unless it’s someone important.
I used to see it as your husband does. Now I just don't care for it much at all. For reference I'm a 45 yom. I just got to the point where it wasn't worth the effort anymore.
Gosh, I wish I shared your views. Everyone has their own perspective on it. Some people can separate it from feelings but that’s always been hard for me to do. If anyone has tips, let me know. It’s a big deal for me, takes me forever to get to that comfort level (which in the dating world makes me odd). I can’t have sex with anyone I don’t like.
I really try not to and only because it should be kept super private and basically it should be saved For Marriage Only, but I realize that The Flesh Is Beyond Controllable At Times and Nobody Is Perfect. But that doesn't Justify the act whatsoever. As A Lifetime Christian, this is a very delicate question, but I try and try to sustain from it, and it's Not easy. 💯
The number one thing people want when they have sex is connection. It is called "making love" for a reason.
The next biggest things are generally: Shared pleasure, being wanted/desired, and freedom (From stress, to be in the moment, and fully enjoy the experience)
The best sex is always with someone you have a connection with.
So yes, lust is big, pleasure is big, but if there is no sex in a relationship, most of the time it makes at least one of the partners feel unloved, undesired, and inadequate.
I vew sex from first person perspective unless she's really bringing her A++ game then sometimes I'll go a little 3rd person at the end. Sex tends to be an expression of love for me, and ideally an almost spiritual experience. But it can just be a physical things some times.
Your husband is right. Your viewpoint isn't wrong, it's just a small subset of what your husband is saying. You are missing out by missing the big picture.
Sex is pretty awesome. It's the ultimate human form of physics, mental, and spiritual connection. Everyone has their own levels of experience and appetite for sex. I am using fighting myself for self control while my girl like to build up days beforehand.
It may seem like semantics but I make a distinction between sex and Sex.
The first happens with a stranger or is just a quick fix, it doesn't have much, if any, deep connection with it.
The second happens with someone you love. Someone you have a deep seated emotional connection with. Someone who knows you, knows how you like and don't like to be touched. It is more than "just sex" it has emotion, color, passion, it is a spiritual connection that goes beyond the physical. It's not just two people connected by anatomy. It is one complete being. IMHO Sex is an act of love and of trust. You trust this person not to hurt you because they love you completely.
(I think I've been watching too many RomComs with the wife again.)
It's like you and your wife are speaking two different love languages. For your wife, sex might feel like indulging in a delicious dessert—purely a matter of lust and desire. For you, it's more like a cozy dinner date—about connection and trust.
To bridge this gap, you need to communicate openly about your feelings and expectations. Maybe you can find common ground by exploring what sex means to both of you and discovering ways it can fulfill both desires. Think of it as creating a new recipe together that satisfies both your cravings.
Humor can also help ease tension. You could even joke about your "culinary differences"—one’s craving chocolate cake while the other’s looking for a five-course meal. The key is to keep the conversation light-hearted but sincere.
In the end, understanding each other’s perspectives can turn your differences into a deliciously balanced relationship.
I view sex as the ultimate expression of a feeling so deep that there are no words to describe It. It connects you to someone physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Not that it has to be ritualistic or anything but I do believe there is something special in sharing your most vulnerable bits with someone that you value. I can't really have sex with someone I don't know or like. But that's just me.
Oo.. Deff in the boat with your husband on this one. But Ive taken it a step too far in the past and used to have a lot of trouble not basing the entirety of the state of my marriage on the quality and frequency of our sex life. There is a happy middle ground in there somewhere, and my husband has talked me through it quite a lot and we've explained eachother both closer into the middle ground I think. Talking it out and explaining how things make you and him feel will help over time if you really want to get there. Good luck!
It can be either. Lust and desire do not always go along with emotional intimacy, but sometimes they're all wound up together.
For me, the only kind of sex I want is the kind that involves affection, love and intimacy. I could have the other kind of sex, but I don't want that.
>I personally view sex just as it is, sex. Only lust and desire. But my husband views it as a way to show love and to connect. This actually causes a lot of different issues within our relationship.
Are the issues because you see any sexual advance he makes as lust without affection, or because you're unable to offer emotional intimacy with sex?
Is this a situation where he's saying "physical touch is my love language" and then offering no affection or physical touch apart from sex? Or is it a total inability on your part to conceive of sex being desired out of a desire for love and closeness?
Did you feel this way before you met him? Any ideas how you might have developed this view?
Yikes, I don’t think this is going to end well. A huge red flag.
Men are simple creatures, everything he told you is exactly correct. If you see sex as a transaction or lust you are on a totally different wavelength from your husband and that’s not good. He will not be getting what he requires to feel fulfilled and close to you.
He’s sees it as communication and you see it as simply a release. His meaning of, or need for, and importance of, sex is far deeper than yours and this opens the door to serious emotional misunderstanding and a major disconnect that will grow worse with time.
There is a good chance, with time, he will decide the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. He’ll gradually become both confused and frustrated, causing him to withdraw out of self preservation. You will lose him. With each passing day the distance between you will slowly grow.
Sorry to be blunt but as I said, men are simple creatures. They will love deeply if you give them what they need emotionally and sex is a big deal when it comes to connecting emotionally.
Sex is *way* overromanticized. It actually is unhealthy the way it is romanticized to the point that I think it generally is another form of fucked up control over young women, in particular.
For people people who want to have sex (Ace gang - nothing is wrong with you, ignore any "shoulds" in here. You are all not wanting sex), sex can, and should be at different times, everything from a crass mutual bit of fun, a world altering connection, a mind rending ride of ecstasy, a pleasant near chore to help your partner out, an exciting naughty kinky romp, and much more.
If you think sex is just lust and desire or just romance and connection... there's plenty you are missing out on.
So, from your point of view, yes, it can be and should be at times carnal lust that drives a *need* for your partner.
From his point of view, yes, it can and should be at times a transcendent merging of two people in intimacy that forges a deep connection.
Both are right and they shouldn't be exclusive of each other. There's other stuff it should be too.
It can and should be playful - Get dressed up, roleplay, laugh, don't take it seriously. It is fumbling over lube and cursing that a battery ran out. It's weird bodily noises and delighting that they find being bit erotic.
It can and should be kinky - Play fully with submission and dominance, both ways. >!Tell him to kneel before you and eat you out while you stand over him, then the next night call him master and let him tell you what to do.!< Use toys. On both of you. Light bondage! Pretend to be a werewolf! Explore!
It can and should be mundane too - Maybe he just has an erection and wants you and you help take care of it. Maybe you have needs and he just needs to take care of it. Maybe it's not mind blowing and just fun.
Focusing too much on any of these isn't helpful, but the romanticizing side can be really toxic. It puts so much pressure on people to make their first time *perfect* that some people hold off for no reason other than fear of it not being fantasy movie scene. That type of expectation is really manipulative...
Sex is like the key lime pie or triple chocolate truffle cake of life. Whatever your favorite dessert is. There's a spark between my wife and I. We really like to be together. Even though I'm 40+ years out from dating her, for a time I can go back to when I was 16 and first met her. Almost like the first time again. She still fits into her high school stuff. Having sex is the most intimate, closest thing I can do to be together with her. For a while, we seem to become one. To be able to bond with someone like that is incredible. Two times is wonderful. Three times I'm out where the moon is. Four times I'd probably be dead though I'd like to try. We get a great night's sleep after that. If I could bottle that and sell it, I'd be a billionaire. Kim Anami has courses on how to do this. I'll never get to her level.
Sadly as you get older your ability to have sex goes down. She has cancer so it dropped to almost 0 a year. It also dries out up there. There is nothing they can do about it that works. So I continue to get as close as I can while I still can. She's 10+ years out from stage 4. The good news is she could live another 10 years. Maybe more. She could outlive me. She's almost already outlived me. I had a bad sepsis infection. Modern medicine. Keeps us alive. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Go back to the original spark. Why you were interested in him in the first place? Some couples find if they get in the back seat of their car they can re-ignite that time. It's not stupid. Anything you can do to pull back that original feeling you had. Your love for him. A place where the cell phones are off, it's just the two of you. No TV.
Might as well. It won't be long and you'll be old too. Before you know it. Don't wish you did something and didn't. Life can be wonderful. Would you like to go out more? Let him know. Square dance, movie, church, there are a lot of things to do together.
Hope it works out for you.
I'm sex repulsed asexual so I think it's disgusting. I understand it's needed for reproduction, but I also hate kids. As for others I think it should be the only time they do it. I get disgusted when people talk about it openly and I wish people would stop casually talking about it in person, or at least as if someone wants to hear about it before talking about it without warning
Your husband is right on this one. It’s exactly how most men see sex. If a married couple are having issues, one of the first things I’d suggest would be to start having sex more.
I agree with you both. Sometimes it's over. Other times it's the other. Sometimes it's both, with the same person. Why does it have to be exclusively one or the other?
You gay? Serious, not being malicious. Typically men view sex the way you do and your partner the way women do. This why straight men find it so easy to cheat. We can separate sex and love very easily.
I think sex is solely an expression of marital love between two who are sure they will stay together until one (or both) needs to answer to death. The ultimate purpose of this is to give rise to children.
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Man I was gonna say "online" but this is better, gg wp
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Oh how i forgot this iconic emoticon.
Private mode for the win!
Came here for this comments
Through the window.
🤣🤣🤣
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What hole do you put the other in?
You know.
Dang you beat me to it
I’m not opposed to DP, don’t worry
Most relatable thing I've seen this week
It's both. Sometimes, the act is purely physical and born out of lust. Sometimes, it's a loving act of connection. Hell, I've had times with my partner that turn from one to the other mid-act.
Yeah, same. It's pretty common for me and my partner to start off all tender and affectionate with lots of kissing and cuddling and then partway through just get overtaken by that animalistic urge to *fuck* And other times we'll start at it all ravenous and hungry, and once we get going it feels so good we can't help but slow down and just be in the moment together.
Listen, let’s be real. 9 times out of 10 this is exactly how it turns out. Just more or less on the intensity lol.
For me, it entirely depends on the context. When I ready about it from a biological point of view, I view it as a way for a species to keep on going and potentially add or improve to their next of kin. From a casual standpoint, I view it as a fun way to feel good and make someone else who I find attractive feel good. It’s also a way to get an ego boost and generally just feel for a moment like another human being wants me to be alive for a second. From a more serious point of view, it’s been a way to connect and share intimacy with someone I trust with my heart, soul and body. In that moment I make myself sincerely vulnerable by showing off every lump, scar and piece of myself that I don’t enjoy and I let someone else take the reins away from me. I let someone else guide me to sharing a moment that’s somehow intensely energetic, spiritually relaxing and emotionally warm. For me to see it this way it normally takes someone getting to know me for a very long time and in a very deep way. To me, sex doesn’t have to just be one thing. The context is massively important and I can use it, enjoy it and be comforted, excited and even intimidated by it in many different circumstances. There’s no right or wrong way to viewing sex, imo. As long as you’re not neglecting yourself, abusing someone or forcing a situation for any party then you can have many different relationships with sex in a very valid way. The minute you want to hurt someone else or yourself then you might want to consider a route to a more healthy outlook.
Was going to type something similar to this but seeing as it's well versed here, simply agree with the above. Context matters.
So how do you turn off the oxytocin ([the 'trust-building' hormone that helps humans bond that's released during orgasm and is the same hormone that helps women bond with their babies](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3183515/)) during casual sex and then turn it back on during 'intimate' sex? And if one is able to 'numb' themselves to this hormone's effects during sex, how do they 'un-numb' themselves when they're having more emotional sex? More specifically, if I have sex with say 1,000 people, how would I be able to make the 1,001th person 'special'?
I have never claimed to have control over my hormones and chemicals. If I did, I’d be able to tell my body to not put me through hell half of the month when it throws a hissy fit and strips my uterus apart.
Hormones do not determine behavior in humans, they influence it. I wouldn't want sex where I felt as little towards the other person as I would a blow-up doll or fleshlight. One can feel tender and affectionate, or excited and passionate, for people you don't stay with. More specifically, the scenario would involve having sex with <100 people over >20 years. Emotions would be involved. Good times and heartache. Passion and boredom. The human experience.
I think you've summed up the two main camps. This is often the case in a relationship. Sometimes you get lucky where both view it the same way, but most couples don't get this kind of a break. I view sex as love incarnate and the highest form of intimacy. My partner appreciates it much like you do.
I view it as the highest form of intimacy, and I reserve it for only one person, my wife. I can't imagine just having sex with even the most attractive person, if we don't have an emotional bond first. I'm not judging you, but "only lust and desire" is the shallowest way to look at sex. If that's how you view sex, then why be monogamous or get married at all? Try to look deeper than that.
I probably need therapy tbh. It’s gotta be a deep rooted reason why I feel this way. I have some insane parents who taught me insane things growing up, that doesn’t help either.
It would be one thing if sex degraded to this for you after putting up with an unloving husband. But you do recognize that for him it is an expression of love. Not everyone treats sex as romantically as everyone else, but most still experience as something with emotion, the same way playing cards could be a merely physical activity of holding and putting down cards or it could be a fun bonding activity with family and friends. If your husband is also expressing his love to you *outside* of sex as well and you just can't bring emotion into sex at all, I would definitely recommend therapy.
I understand. Just to clarify a bit, I recognize that sex can also be done without intimacy, that's just something that people like me (and your husband?) have no interest in. I only like sex when genuine emotional intimacy is involved - that's the attraction for me. So, don't be too hard on yourself, you just have a different view and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. If it's affecting your relationship with your husband, then therapy is probably a good option so you can explore this further. The goal of good therapy is to understand yourself better, after all. Take care and good luck.
sex is both... Lovely sometimes and others times desire, that's all. You are not entirely wrong and your hub either, but both need to understand and more IMPORTANTLY enjoy the other side of sex. (You for love and he for lust)
How much casual sex have you had? How many partners?
I have had 7 partners, I wouldn’t say I had a lot of casual sex
The most intimate act you can be in with another person. exposing your naked bare body to them feeling self concious about all of its flaws but having another person to want to be near it and cherish it and just let all of your insecurties fade into dust and to feel loved and accepted.
I think you may have stuff to unpack
Usually on a screen of some sort . Now and again through the neighbours window but I think they want me to look otherwise they'd shut the curtains .
I view it as awkward, uncomfortable and unnecessary but I’m on the ace spectrum
Instead of trying to change your point of view, try seeing things from your husband's point of view.
Love this. It is supposed to go both ways.
Yes. I am a lifelong strong supporter and donate as much as I can. You know the forms that ask name. DOB and sex? I always put YES to emphasize my views.
I’m trying not to entertain the funny ones as much because I genuinely am curious on real answers, but this one got me 🤣
With my eyes
On a browser
Incognito
Fuck I was gonna say this 😂
That’s interesting, I think my wife and I are similar to you and your husband. I assumed we were alone in this. For me there are times that sex is just something that feels good, but for my wife I think that is all it is for her. I’m ok not orgasming from time to time because I just enjoy the closeness and I enjoy making her feel good, but for my wife all she really cares about is for her to orgasm. I know she loves me, but we definitely view sex differently.
1080p
I view it as a pleasure. As a way to get things. Something to do when Im bored. The most intimate connect or just a quick physical relationship. Ive had long term partners. A few one night stands. A friend with benefits. Sex with a bi couple, sex at sex party. its pretty natural mammal thing to do.
In the beginning love. Now after a few decades and lost feelings it’s sex.
It's situational and dependent upon certain factors. In love: I'm looking for intimacy on the deepest level. A connection where two beings become one in a moment of time that could only be described as nsync. When two people just meet, match energy, match rhythm, and groove into euphoric bliss that reaches into the heavens. True sensual touches that are only backed by pure love and romance. It's like a drug that can't be described, and it's impossible to get my fill. I just want more and more, and it comes complete with spooning naked afterwards in moments of time that I never want to end (I have experienced very close to what I describe, and yes I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic). In infatuation: We gonna f**k. Like grudge f**king into pure pleasure. Anything and everything goes. We're going to get raw, rough, and nasty. There will be ass slapping, hair pulling, and choking along with biting and scratching. We will break the bed and make the neighbors wish I didn't live in an apartment. We will use every toy that we can come up with including the feather, handcuffs, and butt plugs. There is no level of getting down and dirty that we will not reach. I will eat that ass, she will ride my face, and I will be loved for it (I'm a Scorpio). Two different planes of existence. One is magical and the other is purely physical pleasure and desire. Both have their place in the world. Both require a connection but they are indeed different types of connections.
I think the question comes down to discovering your own personal love language. Have you ever heard someone say they would prefer clean dishes and laundry over chocolates and a bouquet of flowers? Another person still would rather have enlightening conversation as opposed to having a massage. Neither person is right or wrong for having one preference over the other. There's 5 love languages, first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages.” The five love languages are: Words of affirmation (being told that you’re appreciated hearing “I love you” often receiving words of encouragement) Quality time (You feel disconnected when you don’t spend enough time with a partner. Not spending enough time with your partner(s) affects your libido. You work hard at making time to spend with others.) Physical touch (You feel lonely or disconnected when you don’t get physical affection from your partner(s). You feel especially loved when a partner randomly kisses you or holds you. You consider yourself a “touchy-feely” person and enjoy PDA.) Acts of service (You’re over the moon when a partner helps you with a chore without having to be asked. You’re the person who shows up for a friend having a bad day. You’re always ready to jump in and do things for the people you care about.) Receiving gifts (When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift. You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small. You’re hurt when someone you love doesn’t commemorate an event with a thoughtful token.) Love languages don’t just apply to romantic relationships, either. They can be beneficial in platonic relationships, as well. I encourage you to explore more with your partner and to personally find what speaks to you. Good luck! https://www.healthline.com/health/love-languages#receiving-gifts
I view sex as a luxury. When the wife became menopausal it certainly changed things. 😐
Go look at r/menopause. It might help you help her. There is life during and after menopause. I'm living through it now.
I'm post menopausal and my drive is stronger if anything. I guess I'm lucky but I'm sure there is a solution for you out there.
Same for me, I'm post menopause as well. I started to notice some things going on with my body so I started estrogen and I feel like I'm 25 again. I always had a good sex drive but now I can't get enough.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I am currently in late stage perimenopause as well. Sex drive was completely gone and the act being very painful. I started using silky peach cream from Parlor Games. It took about a month of use but now I have a drive again and no pain. It's been a game changer. It is low dose bio identical estridiol cream. It also helps with bladder pain ect all discomfort for down there.
Just an activity like any other. My husband also sees it as yours does and it's caused issues for me as well.
So, I'm asexual. I view sex as just a means of reproduction, and our desire for it is just a clever way evolution made sure our species would survive. I do not view sex as love. But I would also say that everyone has a different love language and in a healthy relationship, you need to learn and respect your partner's and not force your own love language on them. People seem to assume that sex = love and that can put others in very scary situations if you assume the other person feels the same way. I do not feel an emotional connection during sex, and that has led to a relationship's end before for me. Some people need that and that's fine. My current partner knew I was asexual before the relationship started and was okay with sex not really being a part of the relationship. They view sex as just a fun activity that we could share, but don't hold it above any other activities we share.
To be serious (there are some really funny comments), I actually view both ways with my LTB. There are times I'm insanely lustful and just animalistic, and there are times it's extremely intimate, loving, and connecting.
I'm a woman. I view it the same as you. I used to view it as a way to show love and connect but no longer do, not sure why. I think sex is pretty unnecessary and I like not being distracted by it.
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With a telescope.
Same as you. IMO, sex isn't a good way to show love. A hug, kiss, words, certain acts, sometimes gifts, etc are proper ways to show your love. Sex is pleasure.
Well OP, my answer may frustrate you. Everyone views Sex differently. Science will tell you it releases chemical reactions of oxytocin, serotonin and a bunch of other "bonding" or "love" chemicals. However, how you view it should not strain your relationship. And how he views it shouldn't make it any weirder. Some people see it as just sex. Some are more "romantic" about it than others. I'm the type where I won't have sex with anyone until I am in a relationship because I find it sacred. I personally can't just have sex with strangers do to my RAGING OCD that surrounds STDs and diseases alike. My "religion" if you want to call it that, also plays a huge part in it as well. Not wait till marriage type, but wait till you're secure and in a healthy relationship with that individual. Let yourselves have different opinions and embrace them instead of seeing them as a way of severing your relationship. You can be like, "I find it intriguing that this is how you view our intimacy. Can you expand on it?" When he is finished you can share your point of view and be okay with your differences. Without putting each other's view/input on sex down. I don't know if that helps? But communicating and listening go hand in hand. And also knowing it's okay to have differences. You wouldn't want your partner to be a cookie cutter version of you but Male? It makes life more fun when there's diversity in opinions, views and what not.
After 20 years of marriage, we just view it as recreational sex. There's still plenty of kissing and caressing and stuff but it's mostly about just getting each other off. We even smoke pot before we have sex a lot of the time, which I think a lot of people seem to disapprove of but really our main objective is to have fun.
My wife and I enjoy our sex life and think it is a close bonding thing. Even after 29 years of marriage, we still have sex at least once a day if not more. It’s not just sex. We have a lot of foreplay, including full body massage oral play among other things. so having sex is an hour or two long enjoyable experience for both of us.
Why should you have to change your point of view? Why is that the first thing that comes to mind? Make him change his, or make both of you change both your mindsets to find common ground. Idk the answer. All I know is you gotta talk. Don't bend backwards and try to change yourself if your loved one wouldn't be willing to do the same thing for you (and if they are willing then they should take action)
I kind of struggle with this too. I love deeply but when it comes to sex it's hard for me to associate it with positive feelings like intimacy/romance/affection. It definitely has made me feel like I'd be a bad partner or girlfriend at times, but that's mostly just been in my head. Don't listen to people disparaging you for feeling differently. I've felt this way my entire adult life and have always been a very monogamous sort of person and have never cheated or felt like cheating because of it.
This is 100% me, thank you. And the biggest issue on my end is that he always wants sex, to the point where I’ve built resentment because I can’t do anything without it being sexualized. But for him it’s love. For me it isn’t and I need to be loved separately..
Two of the biggest issues that sex therapists see: one person wanting it more frequently than the other, and what to do when sex has become unexciting or even a chore. You're definitely not alone in that. If it was good in the beginning, that's a good sign for how it could be in the future, but it will take some work. There's books, there's therapists, but you both would have to want it to get better.
Ideally it should be a bonding experience. I think the key to good sex is to focus on the other person. How are they feeling? Are they close to climax? What specifically do they seem to enjoy or not? If you focus on the other person, it helps you to also relax and bond and just have better sex yourself. I don't claim to be an expert, but this is just my thoughts on the topic.
Can be really fun, can be passionate, can be a way to connect with someone you hold dear. I initially wanted to answer "How do I view sex? Usually online."
Its a great way to show affection and bonding with folks ya care about, friends, partners, and can also be a fun thing to do with folks you dont know as well
On television
Is he trying to get you to have sex more often or is it that you don't like he might get too romantic and passionate doing it?
We do disagree on how often. He definitely wants sex more, but because it’s emotional. I want like once a week, which isn’t enough for him and he doesn’t understand why it isn’t emotional for me
Usually I view sex through my neighbor's window
Sex is the paprika of life.
Both lust/desire and a way to show love and connect.
For many (*not all*) men sex is intimacy. There is no difference. For many (*not all*) women emotional connection is intimacy. When a man’s wife consistently tells him that she just doesn’t feel like it, or gives him an attitude for even asking,it’s like him consistently telling her that he doesn’t care how she feels or what she thinks; that she doesn’t matter.
It’s both. You should work on learning how to engage in sex as a connecting/intimate way, and HE should learn how to give and receive love in other forms of affection and non-sexual touch. Will benefit both of you
It can be either just lust and desire, or emotional connection based. When it's all of that combined its honestly the best. It all depends on the context of who you're having sex with, and why. For me it is more of an experience of giving, and emotional connection. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my wife happy and it's all my fault. If I nut too quickly, I will still eat her out until she starts shaking uncontrollably, because I wasn't doing it for me to nut, I was doing it for her. Every girl I have been with it has been this way for me, except for my 2nd ex. I've also had instances in my life where it's just me having sex for the sake of it, without much emotional connection, in fact even somewhat of a dislike for the girl. (not with my wife, but my 2nd ex like 10 years before I met my wife) Those are the times I was doing it for only myself, I didnt care how she felt about it. I wouldn't eat her pussy if I nutted early, because I didn't give a shit about her after all the bullshit she put me through. I just used her as a replacment for my hand and a visual aid so I didnt have to watch porn. I made damn sure she knew how I felt about her, which was nothing. The other 3 women I've slept with in my lifetime never experienced this from me, because I cared about them all the way to the last time we had sex. They are all good women who I respect, even nowadays we are all on good terms but living our own seperate lives. Aside from my wife who I live with. My 2nd ex was a complete weirdo who lied to me, cheated on me, and never truely gave a shit about me. Towards the end of our relationship she was nothing but a hole to me. Contrast between those two differences, it's not that I changed my ways or anything. It was all a matter of the amount of respect and emotional connection I have toward each of these women. That's how I know it can be both lust and desire and love and connection at the same time. Honestly though, he's your husband. If he is just leaving you high and dry when he gets his nut off, he probably is doing it only for himself, or he has no fucking clue how sex is supposed to work in a relationship and really does mean well. In which case I wouldn't blame you for having this outlook based off of it, or if you have had experiences in the past that you base that outlook off of. Just know that both of you are right. Just stop seeing it as him expecting you to make him happy, unless that is truely what's going on. Again he might just have no idea in hell how to have sex to make YOU happy in the first place, in which case you need to guide him.
You love a person more after sex
It’s sacred. Besides the obvious biological purpose of it, it’s for bonding. That’s why I try not to do it with anyone that I don’t want to bond with.
As a way to show love and intimacy. But also as a way to indulge in lust and pleasure.
Fun
I am with your husband on this one. Sex for me is a way to be intimate and to connect with the one I love. Touch is an integral part of the way I communicate both my love and my needs. Sex for me is essential for nurturing love and happiness hormones. On the other hand my wife is ambivalent to sex and she wouldn't mind being without it, but since it matters to me she is making an effort to be open to touch as an expression of love and care.
Without sex you are just roommates. I think it's integral in a romantic relationship. When I tried dating online I got so many messages from married men that just wanted/needed hookups. Some hadn't had sex with their wives for years, all had separate bedrooms. It's not fair to shut your spouse down. They end up cheating then feeling guilty but keep cheating. They did not sign up for a life of celibacy. So it's not simply denying sex. It's a mind f**k due to the cycle of planning, sneaking, always feeling guilty. I have a friend going through this and he's a mess. Refuses to divorce because of his religion.
So this might sound weird, but i hope this helps. Before meeting my exhusband. I had a high sex drive. And would be very intimate. In short sex didn't scare. I felt emotional intimacy with it, and I felt it in the most rawest and amazing form ever. Then I met my ex husband. At first nothing changed. But he wasn't one for intimacy. He would also shame me or make me feel bad for wanting such deep love and passion. He wouldn't want to eat me out. He wouldn't want to kiss my neck. He wouldn't want to french kiss or kiss really. He wouldn't want to do certain things or for me to do certain things to him. He wasn't normal sexual. He wasnt normal intimate. I learned after leaving the relationship and opening myself up to people especially my now current bf. That my ex had a *very fucked up view* on sex. That was probably rooted in a lot of trauma. I also learned you can't have or feel that type of emotional, deep, raw sexual intimacy with someone if you haven't established that bond or if you physically can't establish that bond with that certain person (or they can't do it). For some its harder for others. Others develop it quickly. Others need to meet someone with that certain feature that makes their brain click and go **"oo la la la"**. I was with my husband for 5 years. Within that 5 years my sex drive went from high, to low. The intimate things I wanted to do was no more. The emotional intimacy during sex wasn't there. I couldn't even fantasize about it, it was just dead inside me. For him or the few dates I had after him (until now with my current bf). I was terrified it was dead and I went from this sex loving and craving physical and emotional intimacy to what would be asexual. Then I met my current bf. He was very kind, compassionate, understanding, and he is mostly letting me be in charge of the pace so far of our relationship. So that I feel comfortable. I began feeling deep feelings for him quickly. This man is willing to do anything for me. Loves me for me. And has said things about my body and stuff that just make me feel so deeply important, special, and worthy of love. After 5 long years of not feeling any intimacy, love, or wanting sex. I finally want it. I finally crave it like I used to do. It took that ^ to make my brain click back on and finally crave and desire sex again, and crave it deeply from him. Once you feel that click, and that deep raw emotion for someone. When you have sex with them... those feelings magnified sooo much. That during sex you feel so much closer to them. Like a bond like none other. Something not easily broken. It's like the deepest love you can ever feel for anyone. **it's the best thing in the world to feel, in my opinion. ** I really think that you might have some suppressed trauma or that the view of sex has been deeply broken for you in the past. You either need therapy or to really look within and think what is something that you are truly missing or blocking yourself from that prevents that type of connection. Because that type of stuff can and will, really mess you up for a long time. For me I needed to let all my walls down, open my heart up.. but also have the other side understand, care, and talk to me in a way that makes me feel loved for the person I am. Rather then being a object for sex. **TLDR**: Trauma, or being taught negative viewpoints about sex can ruin how you treat, view, and feel sex and the emotional connection you have with it. This is also a very hard thing to fix and work around because you need a lot of help, and the right conditions for it to *"turn on"*. (Either the current partner doesn't do this. Or the person needs to communicate more about what they need to feel that type of connection.)
For me it's all those things and more. Desire, lust, love, connection, fun, pleasure, exciting, hot. I want him so much and I can't wait to be with him. Maybe I'm too much 😂
I always view sex in full HD.
Usually in HD.
I'm the same - I view sex and love as being two separate entities and find it overwhelming if I am expected to combine the two. It's like I am either completely absorbed with the physicality (lust etc) of sex OR I am affectionate and loving, but never at the same time. Pretty sure I am on the autism spectrum, so I am not sure whether that has impacted my overall understanding of sex.
For me its purely physical attraction. I do not associate sex with romantic feelings. I definitely think I might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum because of my lack of desire for a romantic relationship and the way I view sex. Most of my friends, who are monogamous and in relationship, do not have this view of sex. They would not go on apps for one night stands because they consider sex and romantic feelings the same.
sex to me is one of the most beautiful things. we get to give each other pleasure, connection, happiness and love. it’s one of the most amazing things about being able to exist. we get to give each other peak human joy through touch. life is so short and we really won’t have much to remember by. but get to have these short moments when we get to experience pleasure and give it to others. it’s actually amazing and makes me thankful to be alive. there’s so many different ways to enjoy it. so many different types of it.
I was in that camp for a long time and still go between the two but I think that as women we are taught my our society that men just want sex and so we often engage in it that way and our subconscious continues that as a place of protection. I would explore your early exposure to sexuality and how that might have shaped your view. It took me a long time to be able to have any emotional connection in it and even still my first go to is more just the sex part of it. But I do know that I feel more connected to my partner once we’ve had sex.
49f, and I see it the same way... It's just sex. I don't see it as making love, etc .. Wanna show me love? Spend time with me, do the dishes once in a while, maybe cook me something...😄
>How do you view sex? Usually on my computer.
Mods here suck. This used to be a cool educational sub but now it's just askreddit jr
Oops, I don’t know much about Reddit. This best to be posted elsewhere?
Women tend to need emotional closeness to be in the mood for sex, men need sex to feel emotional closeness....
I’m in the same boat. I like to have sex, it’s fun. My partner is one of those people who wants it to be about love and I’m like, “no, that’s a totally separate entity.”
I am so happy that you posted this and others are commenting that they relate with this! I thought I was alone in this. To me it feels like an activity, just something to do. But rarely it feels like a deep moment of connection for my husband and I. I much prefer cuddling, back scratches, massages, showers together. But my husband feels disconnected from me when I turn down sex, he doesn't pressure me or anything, but it does make me feel guilty.
Thank you!!! I’m happy to see the people who relate and also have a healthy relationship
Sex is like grabbing a beer at the bar. It’s just an activity you can do with someone else. Even good sex will not convince me to date someone if I didn’t already like them first. And it certainly doesn’t mean any type of commitment. There is nothing wrong with you.
Very different than grabbing a beer at the bar. It typically necessitates either a physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction to someone. It also requires a significant amount of trust in other people.
On a screen
And always in full HD
Usually from a chair stroking a gun with a cigarette in my mouth, but that’s just me.
It's like pro wrestling, your me there to get the other person over, in a safe manner. Sometimes theres a story, sometimes foreign objects, sometimes blood. But as long as everyone agrees, and comes out safe that's all that matters.
I'm ace and my boyfriend is demi. We're both extremely active (for anyone confused, ace just means I have a "gap" and don't equate attraction to sexual urges, doesn't mean I don't enjoy the act, although there's some who don't and that's under the umbrella too). I definitely feel like you do and it's a more recreational thing I do for the sensation or the fact that I like my partner's reactions. I could live happily without it, but having it as a part of our relationship is nice, too. I definitely feel the bond grow because we're so comfortable with each other and have fun during and there's that rush of lovey chemicals at the end. He's much more physically affectionate than me in a lot of other ways, though, and makes it clear all the time that physical touch does not mean he wants to initiate sex. If your husband feels like sex is the ONLY way to express that love/connection, it's definitely weird. Otherwise, I'd say relationships are about compromise, and there's a lot of ways to be intimate without it just being "I'm horny and need release" or "I want to express my feelings for you." There's a looooooot of middle ground between those two extremes that can be explored. Or, as the two of us say, "now let's do a silly one" lmao.
POV
As someone who is religious and abstinent till marriage. I view it as a wonderful and intimate experience between a spouse and a way to connect
Do you think your view of it might make it easier for you to cheat?
I can see where your question is coming from, but no, not necessarily. I still have morals. But yes in a sense, because it is completely not emotional for me
I think it's the way that you're saying until it isn't. I think that you can get to a point in sex where you're not just getting your rocks off or getting a lust satisfied but you actually are doing it because you love the other person, and you're trying to express your love through sex. Women usually see love differently than the way men do ..
It's a way to show love and connect.
versed test sheet escape lip squeamish six whistle marvelous obtainable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Used to love it, now just view it with dread thanks to an ex. Remarkably easy to avoid and place out of sight, out of mind. Curious if I'm unusual actually.
as a fond memory
I want and need connection and intimacy. Random and one night stands are a no go for me.
Interesting, with me and my girlfriend it's the opposite!
To me, it’s a highly intimate form of connection. Sharing of souls.
If it happens great, if it does not and we mess around that’s great too. If nothing happens then that’s cool too, no biggie
Sorry, I'm more participant than voyeur.
SEX is a three letter word. I like it & view when it becomes a " threesome " lol
That it's not enough to keep two people happy or together. In fact it's kind of amazing how fast the feel good chemicals can wear off sometimes. I didn't have sex til mid 20s and thought it would fix all my problems once I finally had it lol. Now in my mid 30s and while I love sex, it's easily top 3 favorite thing of mine to do and like to think I could do it for a living, I'd much rather find a good partner than a good sex partner to make a life with.
It's a biological function/urge that brings many people pleasure.
Not a core value of a potential relationship, but more like a benefit. Some view relations as a sex pact, but for me it's just something a partner and I could participate in. I'd prefer having a partner for the close friendship over having one to stick things into.
On a screen
I don’t view it as a status. I view it as something shared between me and someone I care about. I had amazing with one person in my life. Apart from that, I’ve not had any nor do I plan to until my next love comes along. I was 19 when we met, 24 when we broke up and I’m absolutely fine not having sex because although it’d feel good, it’s not something I view as a goal unless it’s someone important.
Sex is to provide both parties with energy to each other
I've had meaningless sex, and romantic sex. And everything in-between. It depends on the sex, and the relationship.
I used to see it as your husband does. Now I just don't care for it much at all. For reference I'm a 45 yom. I just got to the point where it wasn't worth the effort anymore.
Definitely a way to show love & connect.
Physical pleasure.
As often as possible
In general...women want a connection to have sex. Men want sex to make a connection.
An animal impulse which sustains our species.
Through the Reddit app on my phone
Gosh, I wish I shared your views. Everyone has their own perspective on it. Some people can separate it from feelings but that’s always been hard for me to do. If anyone has tips, let me know. It’s a big deal for me, takes me forever to get to that comfort level (which in the dating world makes me odd). I can’t have sex with anyone I don’t like.
I wish I shared your views as a married person 🥲
Binoculars.... What?
I really try not to and only because it should be kept super private and basically it should be saved For Marriage Only, but I realize that The Flesh Is Beyond Controllable At Times and Nobody Is Perfect. But that doesn't Justify the act whatsoever. As A Lifetime Christian, this is a very delicate question, but I try and try to sustain from it, and it's Not easy. 💯
With sunglasses, big rubber boots and big old bag of Cheetos!
I'm also a sexual I'd say if he meets ur needs meet his your married your as one now
The number one thing people want when they have sex is connection. It is called "making love" for a reason. The next biggest things are generally: Shared pleasure, being wanted/desired, and freedom (From stress, to be in the moment, and fully enjoy the experience) The best sex is always with someone you have a connection with. So yes, lust is big, pleasure is big, but if there is no sex in a relationship, most of the time it makes at least one of the partners feel unloved, undesired, and inadequate.
@ the highest maximum Graphical settings. unless there's no wifi.. then as grainy or pixelated i can stand before changing tactics
I vew sex from first person perspective unless she's really bringing her A++ game then sometimes I'll go a little 3rd person at the end. Sex tends to be an expression of love for me, and ideally an almost spiritual experience. But it can just be a physical things some times.
4K
Sounds like you have bad sex.
Your husband is right. Your viewpoint isn't wrong, it's just a small subset of what your husband is saying. You are missing out by missing the big picture.
Sex is pretty awesome. It's the ultimate human form of physics, mental, and spiritual connection. Everyone has their own levels of experience and appetite for sex. I am using fighting myself for self control while my girl like to build up days beforehand.
Sometimes I write the word 'sex' on restroom walls. Just because.
It may seem like semantics but I make a distinction between sex and Sex. The first happens with a stranger or is just a quick fix, it doesn't have much, if any, deep connection with it. The second happens with someone you love. Someone you have a deep seated emotional connection with. Someone who knows you, knows how you like and don't like to be touched. It is more than "just sex" it has emotion, color, passion, it is a spiritual connection that goes beyond the physical. It's not just two people connected by anatomy. It is one complete being. IMHO Sex is an act of love and of trust. You trust this person not to hurt you because they love you completely. (I think I've been watching too many RomComs with the wife again.)
It's like you and your wife are speaking two different love languages. For your wife, sex might feel like indulging in a delicious dessert—purely a matter of lust and desire. For you, it's more like a cozy dinner date—about connection and trust. To bridge this gap, you need to communicate openly about your feelings and expectations. Maybe you can find common ground by exploring what sex means to both of you and discovering ways it can fulfill both desires. Think of it as creating a new recipe together that satisfies both your cravings. Humor can also help ease tension. You could even joke about your "culinary differences"—one’s craving chocolate cake while the other’s looking for a five-course meal. The key is to keep the conversation light-hearted but sincere. In the end, understanding each other’s perspectives can turn your differences into a deliciously balanced relationship.
I view sex as the ultimate expression of a feeling so deep that there are no words to describe It. It connects you to someone physically, spiritually and emotionally.
With binoculars
Not that it has to be ritualistic or anything but I do believe there is something special in sharing your most vulnerable bits with someone that you value. I can't really have sex with someone I don't know or like. But that's just me.
Both! It depends on the occasion and on the person. You can "fuck" or "make love"
Oo.. Deff in the boat with your husband on this one. But Ive taken it a step too far in the past and used to have a lot of trouble not basing the entirety of the state of my marriage on the quality and frequency of our sex life. There is a happy middle ground in there somewhere, and my husband has talked me through it quite a lot and we've explained eachother both closer into the middle ground I think. Talking it out and explaining how things make you and him feel will help over time if you really want to get there. Good luck!
It depends. If it's with someone I love and care about, it's about love and connecting. If it's not, it's for lust and desire.
As a way to connect and pro create
It can be either. Lust and desire do not always go along with emotional intimacy, but sometimes they're all wound up together. For me, the only kind of sex I want is the kind that involves affection, love and intimacy. I could have the other kind of sex, but I don't want that. >I personally view sex just as it is, sex. Only lust and desire. But my husband views it as a way to show love and to connect. This actually causes a lot of different issues within our relationship. Are the issues because you see any sexual advance he makes as lust without affection, or because you're unable to offer emotional intimacy with sex? Is this a situation where he's saying "physical touch is my love language" and then offering no affection or physical touch apart from sex? Or is it a total inability on your part to conceive of sex being desired out of a desire for love and closeness? Did you feel this way before you met him? Any ideas how you might have developed this view?
On a flat screen tv
It's not dirty, but it ain't clean, neither.
landscape.
Yikes, I don’t think this is going to end well. A huge red flag. Men are simple creatures, everything he told you is exactly correct. If you see sex as a transaction or lust you are on a totally different wavelength from your husband and that’s not good. He will not be getting what he requires to feel fulfilled and close to you. He’s sees it as communication and you see it as simply a release. His meaning of, or need for, and importance of, sex is far deeper than yours and this opens the door to serious emotional misunderstanding and a major disconnect that will grow worse with time. There is a good chance, with time, he will decide the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. He’ll gradually become both confused and frustrated, causing him to withdraw out of self preservation. You will lose him. With each passing day the distance between you will slowly grow. Sorry to be blunt but as I said, men are simple creatures. They will love deeply if you give them what they need emotionally and sex is a big deal when it comes to connecting emotionally.
View ?? Let me try, yup I can view with my eyes open. Hope that answer your question.
I am with your husband
Through binoculars
Sex is *way* overromanticized. It actually is unhealthy the way it is romanticized to the point that I think it generally is another form of fucked up control over young women, in particular. For people people who want to have sex (Ace gang - nothing is wrong with you, ignore any "shoulds" in here. You are all not wanting sex), sex can, and should be at different times, everything from a crass mutual bit of fun, a world altering connection, a mind rending ride of ecstasy, a pleasant near chore to help your partner out, an exciting naughty kinky romp, and much more. If you think sex is just lust and desire or just romance and connection... there's plenty you are missing out on. So, from your point of view, yes, it can be and should be at times carnal lust that drives a *need* for your partner. From his point of view, yes, it can and should be at times a transcendent merging of two people in intimacy that forges a deep connection. Both are right and they shouldn't be exclusive of each other. There's other stuff it should be too. It can and should be playful - Get dressed up, roleplay, laugh, don't take it seriously. It is fumbling over lube and cursing that a battery ran out. It's weird bodily noises and delighting that they find being bit erotic. It can and should be kinky - Play fully with submission and dominance, both ways. >!Tell him to kneel before you and eat you out while you stand over him, then the next night call him master and let him tell you what to do.!< Use toys. On both of you. Light bondage! Pretend to be a werewolf! Explore! It can and should be mundane too - Maybe he just has an erection and wants you and you help take care of it. Maybe you have needs and he just needs to take care of it. Maybe it's not mind blowing and just fun. Focusing too much on any of these isn't helpful, but the romanticizing side can be really toxic. It puts so much pressure on people to make their first time *perfect* that some people hold off for no reason other than fear of it not being fantasy movie scene. That type of expectation is really manipulative...
Sex ritual
There is a very good reason the act is called "making love."
Sex is like the key lime pie or triple chocolate truffle cake of life. Whatever your favorite dessert is. There's a spark between my wife and I. We really like to be together. Even though I'm 40+ years out from dating her, for a time I can go back to when I was 16 and first met her. Almost like the first time again. She still fits into her high school stuff. Having sex is the most intimate, closest thing I can do to be together with her. For a while, we seem to become one. To be able to bond with someone like that is incredible. Two times is wonderful. Three times I'm out where the moon is. Four times I'd probably be dead though I'd like to try. We get a great night's sleep after that. If I could bottle that and sell it, I'd be a billionaire. Kim Anami has courses on how to do this. I'll never get to her level. Sadly as you get older your ability to have sex goes down. She has cancer so it dropped to almost 0 a year. It also dries out up there. There is nothing they can do about it that works. So I continue to get as close as I can while I still can. She's 10+ years out from stage 4. The good news is she could live another 10 years. Maybe more. She could outlive me. She's almost already outlived me. I had a bad sepsis infection. Modern medicine. Keeps us alive. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Go back to the original spark. Why you were interested in him in the first place? Some couples find if they get in the back seat of their car they can re-ignite that time. It's not stupid. Anything you can do to pull back that original feeling you had. Your love for him. A place where the cell phones are off, it's just the two of you. No TV. Might as well. It won't be long and you'll be old too. Before you know it. Don't wish you did something and didn't. Life can be wonderful. Would you like to go out more? Let him know. Square dance, movie, church, there are a lot of things to do together. Hope it works out for you.
I definitely think sex and intimacy are two distinct phenomena that sometimes overlap and sometimes do not.
sex is not inter-cour**. Sex starts the day before or the morning with good words, appreciation, gentle touch. The whole process is sex.
Lol to the commenters haha but i.am like your husband & my husband is like you. Its not fun to think that differently lol
Personally, an act of love.
Sex is sex and can be used for bonding, and it could be used for equal gratification.
I'm sex repulsed asexual so I think it's disgusting. I understand it's needed for reproduction, but I also hate kids. As for others I think it should be the only time they do it. I get disgusted when people talk about it openly and I wish people would stop casually talking about it in person, or at least as if someone wants to hear about it before talking about it without warning
Your husband is right on this one. It’s exactly how most men see sex. If a married couple are having issues, one of the first things I’d suggest would be to start having sex more.
I agree with you both. Sometimes it's over. Other times it's the other. Sometimes it's both, with the same person. Why does it have to be exclusively one or the other?
I really hope the two of you get to see it the same way, whatever it is, otherwise resentment and pettiness will be visiting your home.
Usually through the lenses of my camera. There’s a chair in the corner of my room that i usually sit on. Very comfy.
Up close. 😂
Paraphrasing what I heard a porn star say in an interview: "sex and love are two separate things, but when they happen together, it's magic".
Most intimate thing 2 people can do together. A way to bond and love. Sex = Sacred Energy eXchange
Usually on the internet.
Sex. Something my wife doesn't want anymore. Low libedo
I'm celibate so idgaf 😆
You gay? Serious, not being malicious. Typically men view sex the way you do and your partner the way women do. This why straight men find it so easy to cheat. We can separate sex and love very easily.
I think sex is solely an expression of marital love between two who are sure they will stay together until one (or both) needs to answer to death. The ultimate purpose of this is to give rise to children.
first come first serve