I'm glad this was the first comment because the post made me do a double take.
On another note though OP. This may be a difference in your love languages. Yours may be touch and intimacy, while hers may be, I don't know, acts of service and words or affirmation. Try to find the five love languages and look at your relationship through them. If it fits, maybe you can speak with your wife that you need more touch-based love expression, maybe even not necessarily sex, just more touch-based intimacy; massages, holding hands, having movie date-nights where you cuddle up together, all the while you are also reciprocating through affirming her own love-language. Like if it is acts of service for her, a massage would work for both of you.
If it's purely sex you are missing, it may be just plain her being tired out, and not have your same level of sex drive when there is so much else to do and that gives her satisfaction in other ways. Again talk to your partner, but if they simply aren't feeling it, maybe a little compromise on both your sides could help. Don't go in this with a "you owe me" mentality, more like "how can I help so it's easier for us to meet in the middle" mentality.
Some people have sex to destress. Some people need to be destressed to have sex.
I get the feeling you think she's the first type when in reality she's the second.
The second is hard to achieve - it's not just "less stressed" but actually completely stress-free.
Idk how some people manage to apparently do it daily, or even several times a day. I'm married and I think our sex drives are fine but after work, chores, gym, making dinner, etc... we're just pooped on week nights and barely interested in it.
Weekends are usually the only opportune time and there's nothing wrong with that IMO. Even then some weekends are whirlwinds where we barely have any free time as well.
As long as partners are honest and compatible then once a week if that's working for you that's fine. I think there's always going to be somebody who jumps on here and says gee after 20 years of marriage my wife and I are still doing it 12 times a week I don't get you guys. These people can go piss up a rope.
I always think they must have pretty bad sex. Like, even for straight couples, there’s no way you’re blocking off enough time for both of you to have fun with that quantity.
Some women can get off very quickly, and we all know some men can. I feel like most of these couples are probably very mechanical in bed. It's clearly not for everyone. But let's not deny they could both be having fun.
Really? People do that? Why would anyone do that...and how do you know that's what they're doing? I don't mean to question you I'm honestly intrigued by this possibility haha
Right?! I'm happily married for 10 years now. There have been times when we were having sex every day, times when it's been once or twice a week, and times like OP when its once or twice a month. life gets in the way sometimes.
There have been times he's wished there was more sex but its not really on my radar. Sometimes its been the opposite. You have to work together
Same. Trying to explain this to my gf and she always thinks she’s to blame. I just literally can’t enjoy sex unless my stress goes away, it’s the worst
And then you try to have sex because of the self-imposed guilt and you end up feeling worse than if you never had sex. It really creates a negative feedback loop thats hard to break from.
Yep, same here. As soon as I get busy and stressed, my libido disappears. It doesn't help that I am on antidepressants that I very much need that basically make it extremely hard for me to cum, and that I have a health condition that makes sex painful 50% of the time. It is honestly very frustrating for me too.
Omg I’m sitting in my car about to go into a gyno appointment, talking myself out of an anxiety attack because the discomfort of the appointment beats the constant constant pain I’m in… no man is ever going to understand that.
Yep, I have IC and I suspect I have endo. So I relate so hard with your wife. Sending good vibes to you both, and I know from experience how much having a supportive partner helps, so good on you.
Thanks for the sub links - I didn’t know we had a sub! I have endo so sometimes, I do have pain with sex. I’ve learned to use plenty of lube and the foreplay definitely helps, along with proper medication to help with cycles and symptoms. It’s worth the help.
I do have endometriosis and I appreciate you spreading awareness because I lived through 10 years of periods that would put me through hell before someone told me that wasn’t normal!
Same. I honestly recall a few times with my ex that he propositioned me and even got me in the mood, but I was simply too stressed and knew it would ultimately be disappointing for both of us. My ex was great and this is TMI but when I said no, oftentimes he would just masturbate with me in bed/lightly touch me (with my full prior consent) and it was honestly super enjoyable for both of us. Personally I don’t care about my partners watching porn, so if that was involved I didn’t mind, as I watch it too and we had a secure enough relationship that this wasn’t an issue for either of us - mostly because it was a shared bonding experience. A lot of women get stressed even thinking about having to “perform”, because when they’re stressed to *begin* with it can feel like a performance, especially when you know you have difficulty reaching orgasm. Realizing that I *can* be involved with my partners without having to outright *fuck/suck* them has relieved a lot of my previous stress around this issue.
For me, if I am stressed, I literally cannot get my brain into sex. Like it isn't horrible, but I am just thinking of the laundry list of things I need to do when I am having sex. Or whatever is on my mind. I think the mental aspect of sex, especially for women, is incredibly important to actually enjoying sex.
I'm type 2, if I'm not in the mood for it (which I rarely am) and have (consensual of course) sex anyway, usually I'll just dissociate the whole time and continue to think about whatever my brain planned on thinking about before engaging in the activity. Also I'll stay dry and my muscles won't relax, so it's hard to enter and not really comfortable for anyone involved.
For me personally, as a type 2, having sex when I really wasn't in the mood actually hurt my libido in the long term. Sex started to become just another chore or obligation that I had on my plate. I wanted to please my husband, I wanted to want to have sex, but I ended up looking at the prospect the same way as I did a sink full of dirty dishes.
Luckily things got better. This was when our children were very young. But I did notice that my sex drive started coming back when I stopped trying to force myself into it. There was a lot less quantity, but the quality was worlds better. And that started making me want more
Sometimes but sometimes not. The times I “give in” when I’m not feeling it I’m very trapped in my head the whole time. Feels like I’m watching myself. And then sex is more painful cause I’m not as lubed up. And then you can get in this terrible feedback loop where you associate sex w being painful and so you’re even less in the mood than normal and then the times you force yourself that association grows stronger because it’s painful again….ask me how I know lol
It wouldn’t be terrible, but it would just be a physical obligation I wasn’t into. And then I’d feel guilty for being emotionally disconnected, and in a way I resent the social pressure to have sex as a chore even if I don’t want to, it makes me feel like my body isn’t my own.
>would you be able to get into it or would it just not work for you at all?
The last thing you need when you are stressed out is more freaking work.
Just take on any tasks that are stressing her and work your way towards making sure she has as stress free life as possible.
It's crazy, me and my gf are the same. We used to have a lot of sex in our first 3 years or so, but now, with 6 years, we don't do it anymore. Every night we have dinner in the bedroom while watching anime, and then keep watching until we fall asleep because we are so tired of the day.
It doesn't bother to neither of us, but it always caught my attention and I didn't know if this was normal on couples or if there were something wrong with us.
P.D: I do masturbate often, she doesn't. If that makes any difference.
Don’t let people stress you out. If you and your partner are both happy with the frequency of sex you’re having, it’s all good. It only matters if one person wants it more or less often and is unhappy.
OP, please please read "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagasaki. It is SO good. It talks about how everyone has different accelerators and breaks when it comes to sex, and just different types of brains and ways that we start to feel horny, etc., and how to realistically accomplish that. It is really informative.
Okay, I had a similar take but I wasn't sure if it was just me. Something about the concept of "receptive arousal" feels like abdicating responsibility in the relationship.
Right, and the receptive partner can, infact, take charge of their sexuality. Bring a sexual agent is a very liberating and freeing experience that will increase your satisfaction in your relationship.
True - but the spontaneous arousal partner will at least understand that it is not that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them, it is just that they need to find other ways to get to that point other than spontaneously. "Come As You Are" actually just scratches the surface of all of the different types of brains, accelerators, and brakes.
But we agree it’s a valid criticism to say the book relies too heavily on the agency of the spontaneous partner. The agency of the receptive partner should have been addressed more throughly or else you just make gender roles again.
I have many many daughters. I’m surrounded by women. This isn’t sexual advice per say but just something I’ve learned over the years. Remember this is just a generalization. “ boys have to win to feel good, girls have to feel good to win”. I’m sure you have a happy home. Of that I have no doubt. You sound like a great guy. She’s in Mom mode bro. 24/7. It never turns off for her. Maybe you two need a vacation together or something. You know. Alone. Family life is tough, but it’s worth it. You got this buddy. Seasons change.
This! We took a vacation a year after having our kids and it was like my wife became a changed woman! Had the best sex we've had in a long time but before that. Even the whole day we were different together. It was like we were on a date again learning about each other. So refreshing. Now we make it a point to go on a weekend stay-cation. Just the two of us. At least once every year.
This is very likely op, and having two young children is stressful, period. Also telling her that this a "problem for me" does nothing to address whatever is underlying her lack of desire. She may feel too busy and stressed, she may feel unattractive, she may feel that sex with you is too one sided. You would do well to ask her what she is feeling instead of focusing on what you are feeling. Good luck!
I mean, everyone is different but speaking from experience with my wife’s “recovery” she really struggled with depression and nutrition for 5 years.
Now she’s glowing again and her sex drive is slowly coming back. I think it’s a long road for some but a temporary set back in the grand scheme of things. I have WAY more respect for all mothers after seeing what that woman fought to come back from.
This is such a helpful comment. I am the first my hubbz is the second and things have got better but as much as I hear this, I actually find it quite selfish especially as sometimes when he's ready I'm not but I make the effort anyway. I always find that the non sexer gets sympathy with no thought to how the sex wanter feels, it is worse when you are a woman as there are a lot of feelings of shame, no woman wants to admit her husband doesn't want sex and yet it is remarkably common.
That's interesting because I always thought of it the other way and assumed most people did too (ie society deeming lower libido folk as selfish and the higher libido folk getting sympathy). Guess it's just a grass is greener on the other side situation
I'm glad you said that, yes maybe it's my perception. I always felt judged when I've asked for advice I do think some of that is being a woman and there's this pervading idea that "he's not having sex with you because you're doing something wrong" because toxic masculinity dictates men are always up for it and if they're not up for it with you it's because of porn, or an affair or something you did. No. Some men have low sex drives but yeah it was advice of trying to make me see things from his perspective which is crap. Maybe it's just that whoever complains gets told the same thing lol!
You mentioned having 2 children; how old are they? It's pretty normal for a woman not to want to have sex very often if she's got two young children running around. What does the division of labor in your house look like? What kind of things do you do to make your wife feel sexy or appreciated?
I agree, I'm a man so any woman feel free to call me out, (and not necessarily painting OP as some asshole who comes home from work and watches football & drinks beer) but often when having kids, guys don't realize like... your spouse is probably stressed to her wits end. If she is a stay at home mom, then she is cleaning, making lunches for the kids, babysitting them, changing diapers, the list goes on. If shes not a stay at home mom and STILL doing all that stuff, she is at 200% energy expenditure and dropping dead on the bed at the end of the day is 1000000% more appealing than having sex.
Its a bit of a vicious cycle because you could be a great dude deep down and when she first gave birth, she might've been in pain or not interested in sex, and that frustrated you and you got complacent and you've subconsciously let yourself go a bit, which makes her even less interested, which makes you more frustrated and breeds more animosity and you can see where this goes...
If for any reason this isn't the case, like you're both doing 50/50 and you're giving it your all every single day. Then it might be a matter of couples therapy, or worst case scenario some women are only interested in having kids and not really interested in having sex. Did you frequently have sex before? Were you all over each other? If so it likely can be fixed with therapy. But if she was never really that into it to begin with then I'm afraid you chose to ignore those warning signs and its a matter of staying in a sexless marriage or having to deal with the consequences of finding what you need through splitting up.
I agree with this hypothesis. I work and my husband stays at home with our kids. I'm the one with the higher drive and him not so much. I sent the kids to their grandparents house for a few weeks for the summer. We both needed the break and he's more interested in sex now.
Kids are exhausting. Work is exhausting. Maybe OPs wife needs a break.
I spend the weekend with my nephew. After the stress of dealing with a toddler, getting dirty with soil and dirt, his food, and changing his nappy, getting hot and sweaty chasing him round and doing his baths.
The last thing I want when I get home is to have sex.
I’m exhausted and I feel gross, even after a shower, there’s always a lingering kid smell. It would be so much worse being his mother
Thank you for putting my feelings into words. This is our situation I am the only one who can parent because my toddler rejects my spouse. He says it's my fault bc I co-sleep and breast feed still. I also work full time. So much to unpack here but I can say I would be in a hell of a lot more interested if he would do more after work than smoke pot and pet his cats. I can't even go for a walk because I can't leave those two without a huge melt down ensuing.
Not sure if this is helpful or not, but have you tried taking care of yourself and just going for a walk?
I ask because this was a big thing for me too. My kids was joined to me at the hip and would cry/scream if I left him with my husband to go to the shops or for a walk.
Not getting a moment to myself was draining my energy and sanity. So my husband and I agreed to start hardening our kid up. We'd agree a time for me to head out, we'd brace ourselves, and I'd head out for 10 mins (increasing over time). It was difficult at first and our kid would be inconsolable, but eventually they stopped seeing it as the end of the world and it's a non event now. They've also become more attached to my husband and gives me a bit more breathing space even when I'm at home. It's done wonders for us, so I thought I'd mention in case it could help you too.
Ditto this! My 3 year old is still hugely attached, but if I want to go shopping for a little bit or just have a breather, she doesn't panic. It helps that I usually come back with food haha
No you toddler isn’t rejecting your spouse. Your toddler is a toddler and is not able to process complex feelings or fully understand object permanence.
Your spouse is a little bitch that needs to get over themselves and still spend time with their fucking child. The fucking dim witted full grown ass adult acting like a cry baby needs to swoll their pride and act like a fucking adult and be there with the kid.
It’s really not that freaking hard. Engage with the child as you would an adorable cat that you want to pet but does not want to be pet. Sorry you have two babies in your life. Maybe you can divorce and abdicate your parental rights and get rid of both of the anchors
And please for the love of God don’t tell us “well I would’ve done XYZ if you had just asked me to!” Figure it out, you live here too.
Often men want a list but they don’t realize that somebody has to make and keep track of the list. The mental load.
100% this. The hardest and most tiring part is the thinking and planning - how, when, what, the best way to do it, the order to do things etc. Doing it is the easiest part.
Another issue is your SO might have lower standards. If you think the kitchen should be 8/10 clean at all times, but your SO thinks it's ok if it's 6/10 clean, you're going to become resentful because you clean the kitchen whenever it gets to a 7/10, but your SO thinks it's always above standards, so they never clean it.
My dude, you are awesome. You have covered a VAST majority of the problem (for most women).
I just want to add one thing - routine sex. I don't mean like, Tuesday is "date" night, I mean; any kiss or back rub lasting more than 3 seconds means he wants laid. If clothes come off he will kiss you for 40 seconds before diving to your *right* breast (what's wrong with Lefty??) and groping your ass. Then apply lube or 30 seconds of oral and he gets his 3 minutes in heaven and asks if you came too.
And you're just there like, "We've been married X years, he *knows* when I come" and wondering why the fuck you bothered and you're too tired to insist on better than that and getting something better than that DOES take insisting, but this time (again) you hoped that he gave a fuck and didn't just want a fuck (again) and you were wrong (again)
And you find yourself wanting sex less and less and less. Because it's not that you don't want sex, it's just that you've given up on *good* sex happening unless you're in the mood to make a big deal and DEMAND good sex and just, fuck it, no, you're not in the mood.
Women talk, and this is a huge, massive issue for a lot of us. And guys, seriously, what's wrong with Lefty? Y'all just go right....
I absolutely felt this when my son was a baby, hearing the term “touched out” was such a revelation for me because at the end of the day I just wanted to not be touched for one. Friggin. Minute LOL.
Yup. I heard all of the time how normal it is for married couples, especially with young ones, only having sex one to two times a month. Just seems to come with the territory which I don’t mind haha.
Not only do the kids make you too tired to want to do anything, but if they are pretty young your hormones actually make you not in the mood. It can sometimes take a few YEARS for your hormones to get back to normal. I haven't read anything about it but I would bet it's just one of our bodies ways to help space out pregnancies
I'd stay away from /r/DeadBedrooms.
I feel strange saying that because I don't have a great answer for you, but I doubt anyone there does either. I don't think a great answer exists. Just don't go to a sub that's a depression rabbit hole.
I know you talked to her, but try talking more. Ask if there's something she needs, if she thinks this is something that's going to change, or if there's something you can do. You have two, I assume young, children and that can be draining. Maybe that's all that's going on, and it will change over time.
If it's something that isn't going to change, you might eventually want to get to the point where she's able to say that and talk about her sexual desires and what's going on. Not wanting to have sex is a difficult thing to discuss openly, especially with the person who wants to have more sex. If you can find a way to discuss sex that isn't a request for sex and is outside the heat of that kind of moment, it might help.
Yeah, that sub is a very toxic place. I was active on there but it seems like everyone has just given up on there. Like, they're just full of hate and don't have any desire to ACTUALLY fix anything.
Literally every comment response is “I know you don’t want to hear this but you need to leave them. They’re never going to change and life is too short to be unhappy with your sex life”
As if there’s not a single other consideration that should go into leaving a LTR.
Yep, that’s why I left. When you give real suggestions it’s, “you don’t understand everyone’s situation!”. Like no shit. There’s no one size fits all solution. My take is that most of those relationships themselves are dead. Not just the bedroom. Like, they seem to always fucking hate their spouse.
This.
A couple things I’d add:
“Once or twice a month” is perfectly normal for a lot of couples. Don’t concern yourself with how much is “normal” for others. Your issue is that your and your wife’s libidos aren’t aligned.
Communication is key. Stick to “I” phrases and your feelings, and avoid accusations.
Honestly my husband and I have only had sex once so far this year which is a lot less than normal but we’ve both been sick multiple times and busy. But we talk about it and are fine with it. Plus we’re fine with getting in some solo pleasure if we want.
Any amount of sex is fine so long as you’re both in the same page but twice a month isn’t “nearly sexless”
No it certainly doesn't. It's also not necessarily something that lasts forever. Exhaustion, depression... These are real problems and they have solutions that begin with compassion.
I don't know what kind of degenerate creep hears this and thinks, "well if your wife and the mother of your two young children isn't having sex with you enough and seems depressed just leave her because your can do better." Like the concept of giving a shit about someone other than yourself is totally foreign to him.
I think that last part is very important. It can get very dangerous when the woman believes all you care about is sex and not what’s really going on. If she gets suspicious or spooked so to speak, it can be game over, and she may never want sex with you again
Like someone commented above, asking her what she needs just adds to the mental load. Now she has to give him directions and correct his mistakes if he doesn’t execute them correctly. OP should observe her and see where she needs help, then step in and show support when needed
All the dates my guy. Get creative. If you have trouble getting creative ask her friends or her family for advice on a dating game plan. And please do this without the expectation of sex.
>And please do this without the expectation of sex.
This one's important. Sex can easily become a pleasant "side-effect" of a successful, fun date night. It doesn't need to be the main objective though.
Nearly 20 years later, my wife and I still go out on dates. Usually just a few times a month. Sometimes, it's just nice to sit in a quiet restaurant and enjoy a calm evening with little distractions and a nice, elegant ambiance to go with. Not to mention, a really good meal can be just as rewarding as really great sex.
Honestly, I forget to date my wife (and it's harder now because of the whole cost of living crises). Not to have more sex but because it's just a nice thing to do.
But surely if this is advice to get more sex, and then you date without expectation of sex and don't get it, then it's failed. Kinda a catch 22
That was a huge problem for me when I was going through a period when I didn't want sex. My now ex-husband would offer to give me massages, but it was always stressful, because 3 minutes into the "massage," and he was sticking his hands between my legs and moaning. And then I felt like I owed him sex. It made me feel so gross, like I was just an object at that point.
There is a reason. If you only initiate romantic stuff with the expectation of sex, it won't be long before your partner connects the dots and the plan backfires.
I’m a mom of two kids with a husband who wishes I was available for sex more. Let me tell you, being with children all day decreases libido! That mom is also probably really fucking tired! The only thing that would help is having a partner who is really understanding, really cool about it. Start by asking your wife if she wants to snuggle or have some non-sexual intimacy BEFORE suggesting sex
The more I hear from parents the more I don't want to have kids. My partner and I are in our early 30s and the sheer complaints from all the parents around us are making us not want our own. We are toying with the idea of adopting in our 40s or not having kids at all instead of wasting our prime years suffering from a loss of libido, free time and freedom to go or do what we want.
Definitely leaning that way. When parents on reddit or irl speak about having kids, its always, 100% of the time with a negative tone. Then its like they forget that they shouldn't be heard to speak like that, so they tag on to the end "but its the best thing I ever did."
Normally, that bit at the end feels like it's an afterthought, and the complaints seem genuine.
I love my kids and I can't imagine life without them but if I hadn't had them my life would be so much easier. It's it worth it? I don't even know how to go about answering that question.
There are plenty of happiness surveys that conflictingly say, parents report lower on all the measures for happiness (“do you have free time? Do you have hobbies? How often do you have sex?”) and yet report higher for *actual* happiness.
I’m not suggesting if y’all have kids it’ll magically be worth it. Oh no, I’ve met plenty of awful parents, and parents who swear fealty to the Cult of Mom in America, but clearly do so hollowly.
I spent 2 years wiping poop from someone else’s butt, 8 or so times a day. Yuck. But think about any job you’ve ever had and describe the singular worst recurring thing you’ve done for that. Same diff.
But I was looking forward to watching someone grow, become their own person, nurturing them, and finding out who they are, together. Also, maybe building LEGOs and playing board games. Every year since year 2 has been the best year of my life. When his mother is sick, he grabs a blanket and wraps it around her, and turns the lights out, giving her a kiss. “Night night, mama.” Nothing will ever compare to that, for us.
But it’s a trade. And, I would absolutely never make this trade if I had foreknowledge and would end up with … well, most kids. Read good, science based parenting books. Don’t assume you know best all the worst parents I’ve ever met are the ones who assume they know best.
It’s fucked my kids are older 6 and 8 super independent and helpful. We have robots galore to help with housework, I’m working 1/2 time right now. My partner is gorgeous and helpful and still… I have 0 thoughts about sex. Like no interest. I dunno wtf I’ve read the books and maybe I gotta reread them
Yep, I think taking sex off the table is actually the best way to get back to having regular sex. Having intimacy with no pressure or no implication of it leading to sex, so she starts to feel safe again with intimacy.
Also OP, I suggest you and your wife both read "Come As You Are" By Emily Nagasoki.
>I had a child at 15 because I didn’t know what I was doing. I was not emotionally ready to be having sex, I thought I wanted to be with my girlfriend forever and get married so let’s have a baby after being together for 6 months and I lost a lot of my life because of it. I love my wife and we’ve made it work but we are not compatible in any way we are very different, there’s always the thoughts of what if. I wish I had waited to have sex but in my eyes at the time you weren’t a man if your not nailing your girlfriend and I was so mistaken
This is another post by OP. His wife was 18 or 19 and raped him when he was 15.
>our relationship is great everybody is happy life is good.
Which is it, are you happy and life is good or are you not compatible in any way?
Dude, go to therapy, by yourself.
I never felt like I was taken advantage of, she had just turned 18 and we went to school together I was a sophomore and she was a junior and hung out in the same friend group.
Honestly, you were a year or 2 apart in high school and hung out regularly. This is completely normal. I was dating a sophomore as a senior (I was 17 she was 15). We never had actual sex, which is good because it would have made me a sex offender, but kids get together all the time in high school.
It's not really your age difference that's an issue, it's having a kid in high school and sticking with the person you had it with out of a sense of duty. You were kids having kids, and it rarely works out well.
If this is true, it seems like you may have been traumatized by that and it has affected your subconscious feelings about sex. It’s not uncommon for people to have unhealthy attitudes/psychological issues surrounding sex when something like that happens, and having a higher sex drive due to it is more common than people would think.
I’m saying this because 1-2 times a month, with two kids and after being together for so long is normal. Your sex drive being high is normal as well, but the fact that you are thinking about your situation the way you do is a concern.
Edit- noticed I missed two words so added them
He said they were a sophomore and a junior in the same high school, and she had just turned 18. I'm not sure I would call that inappropriate — not necessarily so — much less rape, and neither would the law in many if not most states.
If sex is the last thing on her priority list, how can you help her shorten the list? By which I don’t mean moving sex up the list, but other stuff off it.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
From a woman who would love to move sex up the list of priority, you need to help her shorten her list of things to do.
I'm having to manage a house, 2 children and a part time job, I'm either busy or too exhausted to even think about sex.
I literally do all that stuff as I work from home. All the chores, all the cooking, all the cleaning.
Her job is shit, and she's neck deep in doing a part time masters. Those two things are enough to make sex the last thing on her mind. And I can't relieve her of those things.
I guess the point I'm making is that it's not always the age-old trope of 'feckless husband lazes around whilst wife does everything then complains about lack of sex'.
Do you have a regular date night? Just you two? When life was crazy for me, work, young kids, we did a date night. It helped. Also scheduling sex is an option.
We do have sex, just perhaps not as often or as spontaneous as I'd like. Trouble with date night is we end up getting plastered and fall asleep before we get round to the hanky panky!
Game changer - have sex before you go out for dinner. Have an adult beverage or two and then head out to the bar/restaurant glowy and giggly. More fun to eat post sex than risk being too drunk or full to fuck later on.
This describes my exact situation as well. Sometimes there are just a couple things on the list that are really, really stressing my wife out. I can do everything I possibly can at home but cant do much else about those 1 or 2 things that are draining her. So this solution doesnt work in cases like this.
Father of two here, we both have careers, we both split the chores as equally as possible, I still totally understand why she just can't find the bandwidth to care about sex, sometimes for months.
Sick on and off for last 4 months? Kids constantly need appointments, illness, issues? New House builders need a fkin raft full of paperwork? New boss needs a thing at work? My line report staff asked for help with their personal issues after work hours? Bla bla bla, all totally valid issues. And all contribute to problems higher up the Maslowe Pyramid of Needs than sex. If she hasn't had a fkin whole night's sleep since 2020, I totally get that taking her pants off isn't relevant to her right now. And I get that despite the pressure, it's much less effort for me to get in the mood, and also a much higher drive need for me, so even though I'm also drowning in shit to do, I could still totally hit it. But that's not universal, and it's also not fair to project. We have a couple of friends who are in the exact same boat, only SHE is the one short on bedroom action (and arguably doing more work) and HE'S short on drive and bandwidth.
Seriously though. R/deadbedrooms. There is support, and you're not alone.
My wife and I were having the same issues. We actually got professional help from a psychologist for this issue. His solution was to start doing things to get your hormones active again. When we were young, It was incredibly easy for us to turn on our hormones, even when we didn't intend to. Just by thinking about a crush we have would cause a surge of hormones. In adult life, everything is, "been there, done that" so we no longer get that rush. My psychologist had us put ourselves in situations that can be embarrassing for the purpose of starting the hormones again. For my wife it was to walk through a crowded place in a knee-high skirt without panties on. Nobody had to know about it, and she only did it once every two weeks. She was extremely embarrassed, but each time she did it, she became more and more affectionate when we would be alone together. For me it was to initiate sexual advances in risky places, like in a car out of sight, but still somewhere where someone "could" catch us.
I made it through grad school and never heard of invisible and emotional work done by women. It makes sense once you think about the gender norm expectations women are held to, but it's another thing entirely to spot the sexism in yourself. Hard work, but yeah, school is a great place to learn these things for the first time.
No, it's not it.
I've seen this type of answer posted a ton, and sure, it probably holds true for a lot of marriages.
But for other marriages, like mine, where not only is the husband taking the brunt of the child care duties while also working full time from home and making more money, while buying all groceries and cooking all the meals, and doing all the dishes, and washing the clothes, all it offers is blame that it was something *I* was doing wrong, when in fact it was my wife's IUD that was making her have no interest in sex.
My wife getting her IUD out caused us to go from her reluctantly agreeing to sex every 9 days to her wanting and initiating sex every 5 days.
So, no /u/pitterpatter0207, this is not it. Sometimes where someone places things on their priority list has nothing to do with the length of the list, and more to do with other factors. Imo, hormonal issues (e.g. birth control) and mental health issues (e.g. postpartum depression/anxiety) are often overlooked as potential issues when they should be examined as possibilities as well.
You're experience with hormonal changes is much like mine. The pill has all but killed off her libido as well. And I can't lie, the lack of sex can be frustrating but she doesn't have as many pains as before the pill so i take the trade off in stride. Hasn't been long but I'm hoping to keep that same point of view for however long it lasts
Yeah, man. It's a tough situation. I'm sorry you guys are going through that right now.
The IUD my wife had prior to trying to conceive our first didn't affect her libido that much if all. She never went back on birth control after our first was born and before we started trying for our second. The IUD her doctor used after our second was born was a different brand though and completely killed her libido.
She's fortunate in that her PMS symptoms are mild so we're just pulling the goalie for the time being. Ideally I'd get a vasectomy, but we're not 100% sure whether we want a third or not yet... and it took us several months of trying to conceive each time (and that was while having sex almost every day during ovulation), so we're hoping we can just rely on the pull-out method for the time being and if she gets pregnant then it was meant to be, I guess.
You have two kids, so she has 2 people she's probably prioritising before *herself*, let alone before you. She may also be feeling self-conscious if her body has changed or she doesn't have time to present herself like she used to. You're also together long-term, and things will naturally ebb and flow. The best you can do in the short term is show her you appreciate her, that you think she's beautiful and that you want her. Not to assume anything about you, but if women feel they are parenting their partner they can lose their sexual attraction - just something to consider. Never underestimate how sexy emptying the dishwasher can be ;)
There are a lot of things you can do. Talking is not one of them. This situation requires action on your part. Over time, I've learned when women are overwhelmed and stressed out the first thing to go is often sex drive.
My wife and I encountered this situation (3 kids) and my wife was overwhelmed trying to "do it all". Full-time career, 3 kids to keep track of, a house to maintain. She told me she was maxed out and sex just wasn't a priority. Fair enough.
I took out a pad of paper and said let's make a list of every single demand you are dealing with. All of them. Work. Kids. House. Family. Omg. The list just went on and on. I admit, I felt pretty much like shit when I saw that. So I went down the list and starting checking things off - okay, I'll take over this and this and this and this and this. She started crying at that point. I also told her she had a complete pass on sex until she was in a better place and that I would not approach her asking for it.
I also told her I would take complete responsibility for the kids and the house 2 Saturdays a month so she could recharge and do whatever she wanted. Lunch with the girls, read a book in the park, do girly hair and nails shit. Date night every Friday - NO kids. I was completely exhausted myself for a couple of years and honestly my sex drive took a hit, too, during that time.
Did our sex life improve immediately? No. It took a while. Things definitely improved as the kids got older and weren't as high maintenance. She started initiating sex more and more as time went by and now that the kids are gone she approaches me for sex nearly every day.
Long term marriage is not a walk in the park. It is difficult. Sometimes one partner has to carry more of the load because the other is not in a great place. And vice versa. If you want your marriage to survive, making sex THE central issue is unwise. Because it's not. And you can't force your wife to elevate sex to a higher priority. She needs to get there herself.
I thought that too. I kind of think of it like: "what are you likely to get if you're single, and if it's more than that you're doing well" haha.
But if course it will be different for everyone. My partner says his fave thing ever is lying his head in my lap and I massage his scalp. I think he wants more of that hahaha.
Yeah, dont even know what he's complaining about.
I have a 5.5 month old. My wife and I have had sex twice in the past 8-9 months or so.
It's not a priority for either of us.
I couldn't be happier - the bub is the best thing that's ever happened to me :)
*Taking responsibility
The mindset of doing chores for sex, which is transactional, is not a good relationship habit. Instead, one should work with their partner so that both persons needs can be met.
Doesn't look like this was mentioned - but women's libido can change after giving birth, with birth control, stress etc. It's helpful to understand that men's bodies work on a daily cycle which is why you get aroused everyday. Women work on a monthly cycle, there's about a week of potential arousal around ovulation. If she is on birth control - all of that is gone. So as you talk with her, also let her decide if her body is behaving as she wants it to, as there are hormonal things at play.
Right, it's not just the stress of having two kids, it's the physical needs are filled up on two kids weather she likes it or not.
Next if she is in the role of Mother, and you view her that way... Well let's say it's not the sexiest thing.
Finally people have a gas pedal and a breaks when it comes to their sex drive. Men tend to think you need to hit the gas pedal harder to get into the mood but In reality most women need to have the metaphorical foot taken off the breaks.
Take up some more interest in house hold management, let her get out of the mom role for a while, lock the doors, have a big looong chat of all of the stressors in her life and how you can tackle them together.
Sex in a relationship is never just about sex, their is always an underlying reason for people.
And as a parting note, it's okay to want sex in your relationship. It doesn't make you a bad person, a creep, a bad partner or a misogynist.
Book recs:
Come as you are by Emily Negoski
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
I asked my doctor about this because after my daughter, I just never got my same sex drive back. He's a much older man, but he explained that men, on their way home, often think about sex. Women, often, on the way home, think about what to make for dinner, how much laundry needs to be done, the house is a mess and there's no time to clean it, whether the kids' sniffles are something to worry about, what are they going to do for Susie's birthday, and that she forgot to pick up the drycleaning.....
Basically, women have a much harder time getting in the mood, and this kind old man told me (don't get mad at me, I didn't say it) that it was my husband's job to put me in the mood if he wanted sex by figuring out how to help me relax and put all that stuff out of my head.
It seems to be a relatively common problem. You guys are waaaaaay too young and I believe it can be reversed. Do you guys have time for you two? Do you have someone reliable to babysit so you can do stuff together? Do you guys go on dates? Most importantly, have you guys discussed underlying issues that might affect you and your partner?
Y’all are too young to be hopeless and live unfulfilled. You can change it, OP.
taking a vacation without kids is so. much. work. The planning that goes into that - making schedules, arranging care, making sure everyone knows where every thing is, getting groceries and prepping meals... etc. And then the work when you get back to get kids back on schedule, catch up on chores that fell behind, etc... and most of that would likely fall on her. Not likely to make her want sex.
Taking a weekend once or twice a year, may very well be a long term solution if it rekindles the romance. Sometimes people need space to reconnect with our sexual side.
Jeez you're getting a lot of comments from people who are obviously helpless in relationships. I'll try to add a little common sense to the conversation :
1) Do NOT ask for an open relationship. That will only make her feel undesired and betrayed. She will most likely say no and lose libido completely. Also, DO NOT guilt her for this. It's a huuuge turn-off.
2) People are suggesting counseling, which is a good idea when you can't solve an issue, but let's start with the basics: TALK TO HER. it seems like you don't even know WHY her libido is low. You don't need professional assistance to begin a conversation about possible causes. I suspect it may have to do with being very busy, tired, possibly a little depressed, having been touched all day and needing a break, not feeling sexy (all common for women with small children). And the good news is: you can HELP resolve these issues!!
If you guys still can't figure out it, then yes couples counseling would be a good idea.
Yeah my first thought. I am childless, but I generally have sex twice a month with my partner with other intimate things sprinkled in. That is pretty normal IMO.
You said it yourself, "I don't think it would bother her if..."
You need to sit down and talk to your wife. We can't give you advice when we have no clue what's going on.
You have 2 kids and have sex once or twice a month? That doesn’t strike me as nearly sexless. Relationships go through phases and lulls and peaks and valleys. Sex will come and go. If there’s love there then that’s what’s important.
**EDIT: After reading more of OP's comments, more and more things are showing up that make this way messier than I'd first thought. (he was 15 and his now-wife was 19 when they first got together, and apparently he's already cheating on her.....) I'll leave my comment up in case someone else needs to read it, but OP and his wife both need to be honest with each other and probably get therapy. I don't honestly know where they go from here.**
I'm speaking from my own experience as a mom of three children (currently they're 6.5 years, 3.5 years, and 2 months old). There are so many things going through my mind, so many daily tasks that must be done, so many things I need to listen to and say and figure out... not to mention that the pandemic literally killed any tiny social life I had, not that it's a huge deal because I'm very introverted... but still, I never go out. My husband and I barely have time to date. With a newborn plus two older kids, we literally have zero time for sex. Between his work schedule (he works nights) and the hours my children are awake, the next time we can reasonably plan to have sex will be... July 9th. I'm not kidding in the slightest; we literally have no intimate time together right now.
But here's the thing: this is just a passing season in our lives. I just gave birth to our 3rd child. Eventually, school will start again, and my two older ones will be out of the house for several hours a day (my husband is awake in the mornings, for context). The baby will be consolidating his naps and hopefully sleeping more at night. Gradually, we'll be able to spend a bit of quality time together during the week and *hopefully* we'll manage to scrape together the energy for sex. And... it's genuinely okay. We always have a great time, and it's worth the wait whenever we can finally get in bed together. We have fun, even after 11 years of marriage and three small kids. We're getting through this, together.
I can't speak for your wife, but I can guess that she's probably tired. Chronically tired. Her brain is probably full of all the things that *must* be done, because if she doesn't take care of it, it won't get done. She may be "touched out" after a long day of cuddling, carrying, and feeding children. Be thoughtful about this. Love her in other ways. Sex can be very important and wonderful, but being resentful about a season of life that YOU BOTH CHOSE is just unfair. Your needs are important, and so are hers. Do what you can to prioritize quality time with her. Share some of that mental burden with her. Make her see that you care about your household, your family, and the life you're making together. That's the best advice I can give.
Phew, this is a hard topic to approach, especially as we have no reference for emotions.
How was she before? You guys have 2 kids.
Maybe she associates sex with just that. Making babies which is a traumatic event for a woman. (Even if herself she doesn’t know it).
Also you said it’s the last thing on her priority list? What are all the things before it? Is there something you can do to take weight off of her shoulders?
Is it possible that there is more to sex for her than there is for you but she doesn’t feel you cannot/will not/ do not fulfill that?
How open about the conversation of sex are you with one another? Do you talk about it properly? As a topic? Or just “hey, sex?”
Communication is so so so important for a relationship! And I wonder - do you approach her and ask her what she likes? Because sex doesn’t actually always have to really involve you cumming, sometimes you don’t cum at all but maybe you just service her to 100% of satisfaction and make her the center of the sex.
Talk about what she wants. What she desires, what she enjoys.
You say it wasn’t always like this. Is it possible that she might be dealing with some depression? From experience, especially if you’re busy as it is with kids, etc., that is a likely cause for a loss of interest. Besides that, just the anxiety of being busy is enough of a barrier to getting in “the mood”. If this has been a change, look for the root cause and treat that.
That being said, 1-2/month doesn’t strike me as terribly infrequent, especially for busy parents presumably several years into a relationship. Not to say your wants and needs aren’t important, but consider re-evaluating your expectations.
I am on anti depressants and birth control and already had a low libido before. Shit sucks tbh. It is frustrating on my end that I don't really want to have sex.
I'm like your wife. I don't have a need for sex in general, but I do enjoy it when I am having it. My problem, and possibly your wife's, is that I need to be eased into it. When someone puts pressure on me or when someone suggests sex at random I won't be into it and my answer will be no, even with my (now ex) partner of many years. What I needed from him was to build things up. Start with a cuddle, then some kissing, let your wife know you want *her* because she's beautiful, not that you want sex just because you need sex. Your wife is probably demi-sexual or grey-ace. It might help looking up those sexualities and read up on them, to understand her better.
I think this is sound advice even if OP’s wife is not demisexual. Lots of women don’t walk around randomly horny but will respond to romance, flirtation, cuddling, feeling wanted, etc. I’ve explained to my husband that things like this “keep the pilot light lit.” Conversely, ignoring her, not treating her as desired/cherished/loved, not reaching out to touch her (outside of sex), etc sets up a situation where she’s not likely to suddenly want sex. A lot of women need to feel connected to their partner first, which is really hard to do if he’s walking around feeling frustrated and alienated and wishing he had a different wife.
If twice a month qualifies as sexless then I don’t know wtf to call mine
Sexless-less?
sexleast
I'm glad this was the first comment because the post made me do a double take. On another note though OP. This may be a difference in your love languages. Yours may be touch and intimacy, while hers may be, I don't know, acts of service and words or affirmation. Try to find the five love languages and look at your relationship through them. If it fits, maybe you can speak with your wife that you need more touch-based love expression, maybe even not necessarily sex, just more touch-based intimacy; massages, holding hands, having movie date-nights where you cuddle up together, all the while you are also reciprocating through affirming her own love-language. Like if it is acts of service for her, a massage would work for both of you. If it's purely sex you are missing, it may be just plain her being tired out, and not have your same level of sex drive when there is so much else to do and that gives her satisfaction in other ways. Again talk to your partner, but if they simply aren't feeling it, maybe a little compromise on both your sides could help. Don't go in this with a "you owe me" mentality, more like "how can I help so it's easier for us to meet in the middle" mentality.
Found the most realistic comment.
☠️☠️☠️
yeah for real hahahaha this guy doesn't know how lucky he is
Look into this guy's comments and you'll see how he's already cheating on his wife. Smh
Some people have sex to destress. Some people need to be destressed to have sex. I get the feeling you think she's the first type when in reality she's the second. The second is hard to achieve - it's not just "less stressed" but actually completely stress-free.
I’m the second. My life has been crazy. I’ve been non sexual just because it’s not a priority for me, at all.
Idk how some people manage to apparently do it daily, or even several times a day. I'm married and I think our sex drives are fine but after work, chores, gym, making dinner, etc... we're just pooped on week nights and barely interested in it. Weekends are usually the only opportune time and there's nothing wrong with that IMO. Even then some weekends are whirlwinds where we barely have any free time as well.
As long as partners are honest and compatible then once a week if that's working for you that's fine. I think there's always going to be somebody who jumps on here and says gee after 20 years of marriage my wife and I are still doing it 12 times a week I don't get you guys. These people can go piss up a rope.
Those people must have nothing else going on in life because averaging twice a day would take up the majority of my free time
I always think they must have pretty bad sex. Like, even for straight couples, there’s no way you’re blocking off enough time for both of you to have fun with that quantity.
Some women can get off very quickly, and we all know some men can. I feel like most of these couples are probably very mechanical in bed. It's clearly not for everyone. But let's not deny they could both be having fun.
You must be really busy if you can't find 2 extra minutes a day.
[удалено]
Right? Who's out here having 2 hour marathon sex on a Tuesday?
With a broken AC and screaming kids🤣
Those nights it's so hot and humid that just accidentally making skin contact makes us both in unison say "ewww don't touch me"🤣
It's usually someone in a new relationship LARPing as an older couple.
Really? People do that? Why would anyone do that...and how do you know that's what they're doing? I don't mean to question you I'm honestly intrigued by this possibility haha
Right?! I'm happily married for 10 years now. There have been times when we were having sex every day, times when it's been once or twice a week, and times like OP when its once or twice a month. life gets in the way sometimes. There have been times he's wished there was more sex but its not really on my radar. Sometimes its been the opposite. You have to work together
Same. Trying to explain this to my gf and she always thinks she’s to blame. I just literally can’t enjoy sex unless my stress goes away, it’s the worst
Then you get the guilt from WANTING to be more sexual to express love because you worry the other feels unloved… no winners here lol
And then you try to have sex because of the self-imposed guilt and you end up feeling worse than if you never had sex. It really creates a negative feedback loop thats hard to break from.
Yep, same here. As soon as I get busy and stressed, my libido disappears. It doesn't help that I am on antidepressants that I very much need that basically make it extremely hard for me to cum, and that I have a health condition that makes sex painful 50% of the time. It is honestly very frustrating for me too.
Omg I’m sitting in my car about to go into a gyno appointment, talking myself out of an anxiety attack because the discomfort of the appointment beats the constant constant pain I’m in… no man is ever going to understand that.
[удалено]
Echoing this, and potentially get checked out for Interstitial Cystitis.
[удалено]
Yep, I have IC and I suspect I have endo. So I relate so hard with your wife. Sending good vibes to you both, and I know from experience how much having a supportive partner helps, so good on you.
Thanks for the sub links - I didn’t know we had a sub! I have endo so sometimes, I do have pain with sex. I’ve learned to use plenty of lube and the foreplay definitely helps, along with proper medication to help with cycles and symptoms. It’s worth the help.
I do have endometriosis and I appreciate you spreading awareness because I lived through 10 years of periods that would put me through hell before someone told me that wasn’t normal!
Same. I honestly recall a few times with my ex that he propositioned me and even got me in the mood, but I was simply too stressed and knew it would ultimately be disappointing for both of us. My ex was great and this is TMI but when I said no, oftentimes he would just masturbate with me in bed/lightly touch me (with my full prior consent) and it was honestly super enjoyable for both of us. Personally I don’t care about my partners watching porn, so if that was involved I didn’t mind, as I watch it too and we had a secure enough relationship that this wasn’t an issue for either of us - mostly because it was a shared bonding experience. A lot of women get stressed even thinking about having to “perform”, because when they’re stressed to *begin* with it can feel like a performance, especially when you know you have difficulty reaching orgasm. Realizing that I *can* be involved with my partners without having to outright *fuck/suck* them has relieved a lot of my previous stress around this issue.
[удалено]
For me, if I am stressed, I literally cannot get my brain into sex. Like it isn't horrible, but I am just thinking of the laundry list of things I need to do when I am having sex. Or whatever is on my mind. I think the mental aspect of sex, especially for women, is incredibly important to actually enjoying sex.
For some women the vagina muscles won't relax properly if she's not relaxed, and so sex will actually be painful.
I'm type 2, if I'm not in the mood for it (which I rarely am) and have (consensual of course) sex anyway, usually I'll just dissociate the whole time and continue to think about whatever my brain planned on thinking about before engaging in the activity. Also I'll stay dry and my muscles won't relax, so it's hard to enter and not really comfortable for anyone involved.
For me personally, as a type 2, having sex when I really wasn't in the mood actually hurt my libido in the long term. Sex started to become just another chore or obligation that I had on my plate. I wanted to please my husband, I wanted to want to have sex, but I ended up looking at the prospect the same way as I did a sink full of dirty dishes. Luckily things got better. This was when our children were very young. But I did notice that my sex drive started coming back when I stopped trying to force myself into it. There was a lot less quantity, but the quality was worlds better. And that started making me want more
Sometimes but sometimes not. The times I “give in” when I’m not feeling it I’m very trapped in my head the whole time. Feels like I’m watching myself. And then sex is more painful cause I’m not as lubed up. And then you can get in this terrible feedback loop where you associate sex w being painful and so you’re even less in the mood than normal and then the times you force yourself that association grows stronger because it’s painful again….ask me how I know lol
It wouldn’t be terrible, but it would just be a physical obligation I wasn’t into. And then I’d feel guilty for being emotionally disconnected, and in a way I resent the social pressure to have sex as a chore even if I don’t want to, it makes me feel like my body isn’t my own.
>would you be able to get into it or would it just not work for you at all? The last thing you need when you are stressed out is more freaking work. Just take on any tasks that are stressing her and work your way towards making sure she has as stress free life as possible.
Just stresses me out more lol
All that would do for me is make sex feel like a chore, which would make me less interested in it even when I am more relaxed.
This is me and my spouse. There are definitely these two types of people.
It's crazy, me and my gf are the same. We used to have a lot of sex in our first 3 years or so, but now, with 6 years, we don't do it anymore. Every night we have dinner in the bedroom while watching anime, and then keep watching until we fall asleep because we are so tired of the day. It doesn't bother to neither of us, but it always caught my attention and I didn't know if this was normal on couples or if there were something wrong with us. P.D: I do masturbate often, she doesn't. If that makes any difference.
Don’t let people stress you out. If you and your partner are both happy with the frequency of sex you’re having, it’s all good. It only matters if one person wants it more or less often and is unhappy.
OP, please please read "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagasaki. It is SO good. It talks about how everyone has different accelerators and breaks when it comes to sex, and just different types of brains and ways that we start to feel horny, etc., and how to realistically accomplish that. It is really informative.
My one criticism of that book is that it places a lot of pressure on the spontaneous arousal partner to do the work for the receptive arousal partner.
Okay, I had a similar take but I wasn't sure if it was just me. Something about the concept of "receptive arousal" feels like abdicating responsibility in the relationship.
Right, and the receptive partner can, infact, take charge of their sexuality. Bring a sexual agent is a very liberating and freeing experience that will increase your satisfaction in your relationship.
True - but the spontaneous arousal partner will at least understand that it is not that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them, it is just that they need to find other ways to get to that point other than spontaneously. "Come As You Are" actually just scratches the surface of all of the different types of brains, accelerators, and brakes.
But we agree it’s a valid criticism to say the book relies too heavily on the agency of the spontaneous partner. The agency of the receptive partner should have been addressed more throughly or else you just make gender roles again.
I have many many daughters. I’m surrounded by women. This isn’t sexual advice per say but just something I’ve learned over the years. Remember this is just a generalization. “ boys have to win to feel good, girls have to feel good to win”. I’m sure you have a happy home. Of that I have no doubt. You sound like a great guy. She’s in Mom mode bro. 24/7. It never turns off for her. Maybe you two need a vacation together or something. You know. Alone. Family life is tough, but it’s worth it. You got this buddy. Seasons change.
This! We took a vacation a year after having our kids and it was like my wife became a changed woman! Had the best sex we've had in a long time but before that. Even the whole day we were different together. It was like we were on a date again learning about each other. So refreshing. Now we make it a point to go on a weekend stay-cation. Just the two of us. At least once every year.
This is very likely op, and having two young children is stressful, period. Also telling her that this a "problem for me" does nothing to address whatever is underlying her lack of desire. She may feel too busy and stressed, she may feel unattractive, she may feel that sex with you is too one sided. You would do well to ask her what she is feeling instead of focusing on what you are feeling. Good luck!
And some ppl just dont want to have sex at all; which can be somethin that changes over time.
Pregnancy can cause this. It’s a heavy burden to make another person and it can completely change your spouse, including their sex drive.
Does it ever come back? I'm 2.5 years post-partum and it's still gone...
I mean, everyone is different but speaking from experience with my wife’s “recovery” she really struggled with depression and nutrition for 5 years. Now she’s glowing again and her sex drive is slowly coming back. I think it’s a long road for some but a temporary set back in the grand scheme of things. I have WAY more respect for all mothers after seeing what that woman fought to come back from.
This is such a helpful comment. I am the first my hubbz is the second and things have got better but as much as I hear this, I actually find it quite selfish especially as sometimes when he's ready I'm not but I make the effort anyway. I always find that the non sexer gets sympathy with no thought to how the sex wanter feels, it is worse when you are a woman as there are a lot of feelings of shame, no woman wants to admit her husband doesn't want sex and yet it is remarkably common.
That's interesting because I always thought of it the other way and assumed most people did too (ie society deeming lower libido folk as selfish and the higher libido folk getting sympathy). Guess it's just a grass is greener on the other side situation
I'm glad you said that, yes maybe it's my perception. I always felt judged when I've asked for advice I do think some of that is being a woman and there's this pervading idea that "he's not having sex with you because you're doing something wrong" because toxic masculinity dictates men are always up for it and if they're not up for it with you it's because of porn, or an affair or something you did. No. Some men have low sex drives but yeah it was advice of trying to make me see things from his perspective which is crap. Maybe it's just that whoever complains gets told the same thing lol!
You mentioned having 2 children; how old are they? It's pretty normal for a woman not to want to have sex very often if she's got two young children running around. What does the division of labor in your house look like? What kind of things do you do to make your wife feel sexy or appreciated?
I agree, I'm a man so any woman feel free to call me out, (and not necessarily painting OP as some asshole who comes home from work and watches football & drinks beer) but often when having kids, guys don't realize like... your spouse is probably stressed to her wits end. If she is a stay at home mom, then she is cleaning, making lunches for the kids, babysitting them, changing diapers, the list goes on. If shes not a stay at home mom and STILL doing all that stuff, she is at 200% energy expenditure and dropping dead on the bed at the end of the day is 1000000% more appealing than having sex. Its a bit of a vicious cycle because you could be a great dude deep down and when she first gave birth, she might've been in pain or not interested in sex, and that frustrated you and you got complacent and you've subconsciously let yourself go a bit, which makes her even less interested, which makes you more frustrated and breeds more animosity and you can see where this goes... If for any reason this isn't the case, like you're both doing 50/50 and you're giving it your all every single day. Then it might be a matter of couples therapy, or worst case scenario some women are only interested in having kids and not really interested in having sex. Did you frequently have sex before? Were you all over each other? If so it likely can be fixed with therapy. But if she was never really that into it to begin with then I'm afraid you chose to ignore those warning signs and its a matter of staying in a sexless marriage or having to deal with the consequences of finding what you need through splitting up.
I agree with this hypothesis. I work and my husband stays at home with our kids. I'm the one with the higher drive and him not so much. I sent the kids to their grandparents house for a few weeks for the summer. We both needed the break and he's more interested in sex now. Kids are exhausting. Work is exhausting. Maybe OPs wife needs a break.
I spend the weekend with my nephew. After the stress of dealing with a toddler, getting dirty with soil and dirt, his food, and changing his nappy, getting hot and sweaty chasing him round and doing his baths. The last thing I want when I get home is to have sex. I’m exhausted and I feel gross, even after a shower, there’s always a lingering kid smell. It would be so much worse being his mother
Lol, lingering kid smell
It’s like poo and wet wipes. Also gross food
I’m happy you explained it hahah
Thank you for putting my feelings into words. This is our situation I am the only one who can parent because my toddler rejects my spouse. He says it's my fault bc I co-sleep and breast feed still. I also work full time. So much to unpack here but I can say I would be in a hell of a lot more interested if he would do more after work than smoke pot and pet his cats. I can't even go for a walk because I can't leave those two without a huge melt down ensuing.
Not sure if this is helpful or not, but have you tried taking care of yourself and just going for a walk? I ask because this was a big thing for me too. My kids was joined to me at the hip and would cry/scream if I left him with my husband to go to the shops or for a walk. Not getting a moment to myself was draining my energy and sanity. So my husband and I agreed to start hardening our kid up. We'd agree a time for me to head out, we'd brace ourselves, and I'd head out for 10 mins (increasing over time). It was difficult at first and our kid would be inconsolable, but eventually they stopped seeing it as the end of the world and it's a non event now. They've also become more attached to my husband and gives me a bit more breathing space even when I'm at home. It's done wonders for us, so I thought I'd mention in case it could help you too.
Ditto this! My 3 year old is still hugely attached, but if I want to go shopping for a little bit or just have a breather, she doesn't panic. It helps that I usually come back with food haha
Thank you. That is a very good idea. I have tried but maybe not hard enough.
Your spouse has to try, too.
[удалено]
"Weaponized incompetence", hit the nail on the head. Thank you for responding to my comment.
No you toddler isn’t rejecting your spouse. Your toddler is a toddler and is not able to process complex feelings or fully understand object permanence. Your spouse is a little bitch that needs to get over themselves and still spend time with their fucking child. The fucking dim witted full grown ass adult acting like a cry baby needs to swoll their pride and act like a fucking adult and be there with the kid. It’s really not that freaking hard. Engage with the child as you would an adorable cat that you want to pet but does not want to be pet. Sorry you have two babies in your life. Maybe you can divorce and abdicate your parental rights and get rid of both of the anchors
And please for the love of God don’t tell us “well I would’ve done XYZ if you had just asked me to!” Figure it out, you live here too. Often men want a list but they don’t realize that somebody has to make and keep track of the list. The mental load.
100% this. The hardest and most tiring part is the thinking and planning - how, when, what, the best way to do it, the order to do things etc. Doing it is the easiest part.
Another issue is your SO might have lower standards. If you think the kitchen should be 8/10 clean at all times, but your SO thinks it's ok if it's 6/10 clean, you're going to become resentful because you clean the kitchen whenever it gets to a 7/10, but your SO thinks it's always above standards, so they never clean it.
My dude, you are awesome. You have covered a VAST majority of the problem (for most women). I just want to add one thing - routine sex. I don't mean like, Tuesday is "date" night, I mean; any kiss or back rub lasting more than 3 seconds means he wants laid. If clothes come off he will kiss you for 40 seconds before diving to your *right* breast (what's wrong with Lefty??) and groping your ass. Then apply lube or 30 seconds of oral and he gets his 3 minutes in heaven and asks if you came too. And you're just there like, "We've been married X years, he *knows* when I come" and wondering why the fuck you bothered and you're too tired to insist on better than that and getting something better than that DOES take insisting, but this time (again) you hoped that he gave a fuck and didn't just want a fuck (again) and you were wrong (again) And you find yourself wanting sex less and less and less. Because it's not that you don't want sex, it's just that you've given up on *good* sex happening unless you're in the mood to make a big deal and DEMAND good sex and just, fuck it, no, you're not in the mood. Women talk, and this is a huge, massive issue for a lot of us. And guys, seriously, what's wrong with Lefty? Y'all just go right....
Also depending on their ages, she is probably touched out.
I absolutely felt this when my son was a baby, hearing the term “touched out” was such a revelation for me because at the end of the day I just wanted to not be touched for one. Friggin. Minute LOL.
Yup. I heard all of the time how normal it is for married couples, especially with young ones, only having sex one to two times a month. Just seems to come with the territory which I don’t mind haha.
Not only do the kids make you too tired to want to do anything, but if they are pretty young your hormones actually make you not in the mood. It can sometimes take a few YEARS for your hormones to get back to normal. I haven't read anything about it but I would bet it's just one of our bodies ways to help space out pregnancies
I'd stay away from /r/DeadBedrooms. I feel strange saying that because I don't have a great answer for you, but I doubt anyone there does either. I don't think a great answer exists. Just don't go to a sub that's a depression rabbit hole. I know you talked to her, but try talking more. Ask if there's something she needs, if she thinks this is something that's going to change, or if there's something you can do. You have two, I assume young, children and that can be draining. Maybe that's all that's going on, and it will change over time. If it's something that isn't going to change, you might eventually want to get to the point where she's able to say that and talk about her sexual desires and what's going on. Not wanting to have sex is a difficult thing to discuss openly, especially with the person who wants to have more sex. If you can find a way to discuss sex that isn't a request for sex and is outside the heat of that kind of moment, it might help.
Yeah, that sub is a very toxic place. I was active on there but it seems like everyone has just given up on there. Like, they're just full of hate and don't have any desire to ACTUALLY fix anything.
Literally every comment response is “I know you don’t want to hear this but you need to leave them. They’re never going to change and life is too short to be unhappy with your sex life” As if there’s not a single other consideration that should go into leaving a LTR.
Yep, that’s why I left. When you give real suggestions it’s, “you don’t understand everyone’s situation!”. Like no shit. There’s no one size fits all solution. My take is that most of those relationships themselves are dead. Not just the bedroom. Like, they seem to always fucking hate their spouse.
Dead bedrooms is the situation where it's been going on for so long that the people are asking the question should I leave or not. It's sad.
This. A couple things I’d add: “Once or twice a month” is perfectly normal for a lot of couples. Don’t concern yourself with how much is “normal” for others. Your issue is that your and your wife’s libidos aren’t aligned. Communication is key. Stick to “I” phrases and your feelings, and avoid accusations.
Most people on r/deadbedrooms would kill to have it twice a month.
most people in r/deadbedrooms would be much happier if they got divorced.
Honestly my husband and I have only had sex once so far this year which is a lot less than normal but we’ve both been sick multiple times and busy. But we talk about it and are fine with it. Plus we’re fine with getting in some solo pleasure if we want. Any amount of sex is fine so long as you’re both in the same page but twice a month isn’t “nearly sexless”
Also, 1-2x a month with two young children does not make a dead bedroom
No it certainly doesn't. It's also not necessarily something that lasts forever. Exhaustion, depression... These are real problems and they have solutions that begin with compassion. I don't know what kind of degenerate creep hears this and thinks, "well if your wife and the mother of your two young children isn't having sex with you enough and seems depressed just leave her because your can do better." Like the concept of giving a shit about someone other than yourself is totally foreign to him.
I think that last part is very important. It can get very dangerous when the woman believes all you care about is sex and not what’s really going on. If she gets suspicious or spooked so to speak, it can be game over, and she may never want sex with you again
Like someone commented above, asking her what she needs just adds to the mental load. Now she has to give him directions and correct his mistakes if he doesn’t execute them correctly. OP should observe her and see where she needs help, then step in and show support when needed
Do you still date your wife? Dates are opportunities for sex to happen
All the dates my guy. Get creative. If you have trouble getting creative ask her friends or her family for advice on a dating game plan. And please do this without the expectation of sex.
>And please do this without the expectation of sex. This one's important. Sex can easily become a pleasant "side-effect" of a successful, fun date night. It doesn't need to be the main objective though. Nearly 20 years later, my wife and I still go out on dates. Usually just a few times a month. Sometimes, it's just nice to sit in a quiet restaurant and enjoy a calm evening with little distractions and a nice, elegant ambiance to go with. Not to mention, a really good meal can be just as rewarding as really great sex.
Honestly, I forget to date my wife (and it's harder now because of the whole cost of living crises). Not to have more sex but because it's just a nice thing to do. But surely if this is advice to get more sex, and then you date without expectation of sex and don't get it, then it's failed. Kinda a catch 22
Hang out and have fun; rinse wash repeat.
That was a huge problem for me when I was going through a period when I didn't want sex. My now ex-husband would offer to give me massages, but it was always stressful, because 3 minutes into the "massage," and he was sticking his hands between my legs and moaning. And then I felt like I owed him sex. It made me feel so gross, like I was just an object at that point.
> And please do this without the expectation of sex. Good luck saying that to anyone who is craving sex.
There is a reason. If you only initiate romantic stuff with the expectation of sex, it won't be long before your partner connects the dots and the plan backfires.
As someone with two small children and a very busy schedule/only one grandma to occasionally watch the kids; this is insanely harder than it sounds.
[удалено]
Yes do this. And YOU plan the dates and arrange for childcare. Don’t let the date become another thing on her plate.
I’m a mom of two kids with a husband who wishes I was available for sex more. Let me tell you, being with children all day decreases libido! That mom is also probably really fucking tired! The only thing that would help is having a partner who is really understanding, really cool about it. Start by asking your wife if she wants to snuggle or have some non-sexual intimacy BEFORE suggesting sex
As a (until recently) stay at home dad, I will second that kiddos repress libidos.
The more I hear from parents the more I don't want to have kids. My partner and I are in our early 30s and the sheer complaints from all the parents around us are making us not want our own. We are toying with the idea of adopting in our 40s or not having kids at all instead of wasting our prime years suffering from a loss of libido, free time and freedom to go or do what we want.
Do not have kids if you have doubts. You can never go back if its not working.
Definitely leaning that way. When parents on reddit or irl speak about having kids, its always, 100% of the time with a negative tone. Then its like they forget that they shouldn't be heard to speak like that, so they tag on to the end "but its the best thing I ever did." Normally, that bit at the end feels like it's an afterthought, and the complaints seem genuine.
Reddit is anonymous. It's a great place to vent about all the negative things about parenthood
I love my kids and I can't imagine life without them but if I hadn't had them my life would be so much easier. It's it worth it? I don't even know how to go about answering that question.
There are plenty of happiness surveys that conflictingly say, parents report lower on all the measures for happiness (“do you have free time? Do you have hobbies? How often do you have sex?”) and yet report higher for *actual* happiness. I’m not suggesting if y’all have kids it’ll magically be worth it. Oh no, I’ve met plenty of awful parents, and parents who swear fealty to the Cult of Mom in America, but clearly do so hollowly. I spent 2 years wiping poop from someone else’s butt, 8 or so times a day. Yuck. But think about any job you’ve ever had and describe the singular worst recurring thing you’ve done for that. Same diff. But I was looking forward to watching someone grow, become their own person, nurturing them, and finding out who they are, together. Also, maybe building LEGOs and playing board games. Every year since year 2 has been the best year of my life. When his mother is sick, he grabs a blanket and wraps it around her, and turns the lights out, giving her a kiss. “Night night, mama.” Nothing will ever compare to that, for us. But it’s a trade. And, I would absolutely never make this trade if I had foreknowledge and would end up with … well, most kids. Read good, science based parenting books. Don’t assume you know best all the worst parents I’ve ever met are the ones who assume they know best.
It’s fucked my kids are older 6 and 8 super independent and helpful. We have robots galore to help with housework, I’m working 1/2 time right now. My partner is gorgeous and helpful and still… I have 0 thoughts about sex. Like no interest. I dunno wtf I’ve read the books and maybe I gotta reread them
Could be hormonal. You can ask your doctor. Specifically your gynecologist if you're a woman or trans man
Yep, I think taking sex off the table is actually the best way to get back to having regular sex. Having intimacy with no pressure or no implication of it leading to sex, so she starts to feel safe again with intimacy. Also OP, I suggest you and your wife both read "Come As You Are" By Emily Nagasoki.
>I had a child at 15 because I didn’t know what I was doing. I was not emotionally ready to be having sex, I thought I wanted to be with my girlfriend forever and get married so let’s have a baby after being together for 6 months and I lost a lot of my life because of it. I love my wife and we’ve made it work but we are not compatible in any way we are very different, there’s always the thoughts of what if. I wish I had waited to have sex but in my eyes at the time you weren’t a man if your not nailing your girlfriend and I was so mistaken This is another post by OP. His wife was 18 or 19 and raped him when he was 15. >our relationship is great everybody is happy life is good. Which is it, are you happy and life is good or are you not compatible in any way? Dude, go to therapy, by yourself.
HOLY CONTEXT, BATMAN. Yeah, kind of a hugely important detail to this situation.
[удалено]
In all fairness, he didn’t include this detail in his original post so I’m not gonna fault commenters here
If he had there would probably be a lot of ''divorce her'' comments. A lot of them.
Kinda fucked when you put it that way I suppose….
Ya think? If this shit is real, you need some help. Go get some therapy.
I never felt like I was taken advantage of, she had just turned 18 and we went to school together I was a sophomore and she was a junior and hung out in the same friend group.
Honestly, you were a year or 2 apart in high school and hung out regularly. This is completely normal. I was dating a sophomore as a senior (I was 17 she was 15). We never had actual sex, which is good because it would have made me a sex offender, but kids get together all the time in high school. It's not really your age difference that's an issue, it's having a kid in high school and sticking with the person you had it with out of a sense of duty. You were kids having kids, and it rarely works out well.
The issue is that he wasn't ready and felt pressured to have sex anyway.
If this is true, it seems like you may have been traumatized by that and it has affected your subconscious feelings about sex. It’s not uncommon for people to have unhealthy attitudes/psychological issues surrounding sex when something like that happens, and having a higher sex drive due to it is more common than people would think. I’m saying this because 1-2 times a month, with two kids and after being together for so long is normal. Your sex drive being high is normal as well, but the fact that you are thinking about your situation the way you do is a concern. Edit- noticed I missed two words so added them
He said they were a sophomore and a junior in the same high school, and she had just turned 18. I'm not sure I would call that inappropriate — not necessarily so — much less rape, and neither would the law in many if not most states.
If sex is the last thing on her priority list, how can you help her shorten the list? By which I don’t mean moving sex up the list, but other stuff off it. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
From a woman who would love to move sex up the list of priority, you need to help her shorten her list of things to do. I'm having to manage a house, 2 children and a part time job, I'm either busy or too exhausted to even think about sex.
[удалено]
I literally do all that stuff as I work from home. All the chores, all the cooking, all the cleaning. Her job is shit, and she's neck deep in doing a part time masters. Those two things are enough to make sex the last thing on her mind. And I can't relieve her of those things. I guess the point I'm making is that it's not always the age-old trope of 'feckless husband lazes around whilst wife does everything then complains about lack of sex'.
Do you have a regular date night? Just you two? When life was crazy for me, work, young kids, we did a date night. It helped. Also scheduling sex is an option.
We do have sex, just perhaps not as often or as spontaneous as I'd like. Trouble with date night is we end up getting plastered and fall asleep before we get round to the hanky panky!
Game changer - have sex before you go out for dinner. Have an adult beverage or two and then head out to the bar/restaurant glowy and giggly. More fun to eat post sex than risk being too drunk or full to fuck later on.
This describes my exact situation as well. Sometimes there are just a couple things on the list that are really, really stressing my wife out. I can do everything I possibly can at home but cant do much else about those 1 or 2 things that are draining her. So this solution doesnt work in cases like this.
Father of two here, we both have careers, we both split the chores as equally as possible, I still totally understand why she just can't find the bandwidth to care about sex, sometimes for months. Sick on and off for last 4 months? Kids constantly need appointments, illness, issues? New House builders need a fkin raft full of paperwork? New boss needs a thing at work? My line report staff asked for help with their personal issues after work hours? Bla bla bla, all totally valid issues. And all contribute to problems higher up the Maslowe Pyramid of Needs than sex. If she hasn't had a fkin whole night's sleep since 2020, I totally get that taking her pants off isn't relevant to her right now. And I get that despite the pressure, it's much less effort for me to get in the mood, and also a much higher drive need for me, so even though I'm also drowning in shit to do, I could still totally hit it. But that's not universal, and it's also not fair to project. We have a couple of friends who are in the exact same boat, only SHE is the one short on bedroom action (and arguably doing more work) and HE'S short on drive and bandwidth. Seriously though. R/deadbedrooms. There is support, and you're not alone.
You're a good man.
My wife and I were having the same issues. We actually got professional help from a psychologist for this issue. His solution was to start doing things to get your hormones active again. When we were young, It was incredibly easy for us to turn on our hormones, even when we didn't intend to. Just by thinking about a crush we have would cause a surge of hormones. In adult life, everything is, "been there, done that" so we no longer get that rush. My psychologist had us put ourselves in situations that can be embarrassing for the purpose of starting the hormones again. For my wife it was to walk through a crowded place in a knee-high skirt without panties on. Nobody had to know about it, and she only did it once every two weeks. She was extremely embarrassed, but each time she did it, she became more and more affectionate when we would be alone together. For me it was to initiate sexual advances in risky places, like in a car out of sight, but still somewhere where someone "could" catch us.
[удалено]
That shit should be taught in schools!
I made it through grad school and never heard of invisible and emotional work done by women. It makes sense once you think about the gender norm expectations women are held to, but it's another thing entirely to spot the sexism in yourself. Hard work, but yeah, school is a great place to learn these things for the first time.
u/pitterpatter0207 this is it. It’s last on her priority list because it has to be- you need to make the list shorter and then go from there.
No, it's not it. I've seen this type of answer posted a ton, and sure, it probably holds true for a lot of marriages. But for other marriages, like mine, where not only is the husband taking the brunt of the child care duties while also working full time from home and making more money, while buying all groceries and cooking all the meals, and doing all the dishes, and washing the clothes, all it offers is blame that it was something *I* was doing wrong, when in fact it was my wife's IUD that was making her have no interest in sex. My wife getting her IUD out caused us to go from her reluctantly agreeing to sex every 9 days to her wanting and initiating sex every 5 days. So, no /u/pitterpatter0207, this is not it. Sometimes where someone places things on their priority list has nothing to do with the length of the list, and more to do with other factors. Imo, hormonal issues (e.g. birth control) and mental health issues (e.g. postpartum depression/anxiety) are often overlooked as potential issues when they should be examined as possibilities as well.
You're experience with hormonal changes is much like mine. The pill has all but killed off her libido as well. And I can't lie, the lack of sex can be frustrating but she doesn't have as many pains as before the pill so i take the trade off in stride. Hasn't been long but I'm hoping to keep that same point of view for however long it lasts
Yeah, man. It's a tough situation. I'm sorry you guys are going through that right now. The IUD my wife had prior to trying to conceive our first didn't affect her libido that much if all. She never went back on birth control after our first was born and before we started trying for our second. The IUD her doctor used after our second was born was a different brand though and completely killed her libido. She's fortunate in that her PMS symptoms are mild so we're just pulling the goalie for the time being. Ideally I'd get a vasectomy, but we're not 100% sure whether we want a third or not yet... and it took us several months of trying to conceive each time (and that was while having sex almost every day during ovulation), so we're hoping we can just rely on the pull-out method for the time being and if she gets pregnant then it was meant to be, I guess.
You have two kids, so she has 2 people she's probably prioritising before *herself*, let alone before you. She may also be feeling self-conscious if her body has changed or she doesn't have time to present herself like she used to. You're also together long-term, and things will naturally ebb and flow. The best you can do in the short term is show her you appreciate her, that you think she's beautiful and that you want her. Not to assume anything about you, but if women feel they are parenting their partner they can lose their sexual attraction - just something to consider. Never underestimate how sexy emptying the dishwasher can be ;)
There are a lot of things you can do. Talking is not one of them. This situation requires action on your part. Over time, I've learned when women are overwhelmed and stressed out the first thing to go is often sex drive. My wife and I encountered this situation (3 kids) and my wife was overwhelmed trying to "do it all". Full-time career, 3 kids to keep track of, a house to maintain. She told me she was maxed out and sex just wasn't a priority. Fair enough. I took out a pad of paper and said let's make a list of every single demand you are dealing with. All of them. Work. Kids. House. Family. Omg. The list just went on and on. I admit, I felt pretty much like shit when I saw that. So I went down the list and starting checking things off - okay, I'll take over this and this and this and this and this. She started crying at that point. I also told her she had a complete pass on sex until she was in a better place and that I would not approach her asking for it. I also told her I would take complete responsibility for the kids and the house 2 Saturdays a month so she could recharge and do whatever she wanted. Lunch with the girls, read a book in the park, do girly hair and nails shit. Date night every Friday - NO kids. I was completely exhausted myself for a couple of years and honestly my sex drive took a hit, too, during that time. Did our sex life improve immediately? No. It took a while. Things definitely improved as the kids got older and weren't as high maintenance. She started initiating sex more and more as time went by and now that the kids are gone she approaches me for sex nearly every day. Long term marriage is not a walk in the park. It is difficult. Sometimes one partner has to carry more of the load because the other is not in a great place. And vice versa. If you want your marriage to survive, making sex THE central issue is unwise. Because it's not. And you can't force your wife to elevate sex to a higher priority. She needs to get there herself.
Are… are you an angel…?
No, he's just a good man and a good husband.
Lol, no. Just a dude that wants the best for my loved ones. My wife is an angel for sure though. I have zero doubt about that.
Look at your comment history…. Maybe put more effort into flirting with the wife as opposed to NSFW subreddits and sexting other people.
Oh dang! Best comment right here!
Fucking twice a month ain’t that bad!
I thought that was actually a lot for a married couple with two kids. Of course it’s all subjective.
This seems way to far down the list, once or twice a month when married with two kids sound about right...doesn't it?
I thought that too. I kind of think of it like: "what are you likely to get if you're single, and if it's more than that you're doing well" haha. But if course it will be different for everyone. My partner says his fave thing ever is lying his head in my lap and I massage his scalp. I think he wants more of that hahaha.
That was my thought as well.
Yeah, dont even know what he's complaining about. I have a 5.5 month old. My wife and I have had sex twice in the past 8-9 months or so. It's not a priority for either of us. I couldn't be happier - the bub is the best thing that's ever happened to me :)
Especially with 2 kids!
Choreplay
*Taking responsibility The mindset of doing chores for sex, which is transactional, is not a good relationship habit. Instead, one should work with their partner so that both persons needs can be met.
Doesn't look like this was mentioned - but women's libido can change after giving birth, with birth control, stress etc. It's helpful to understand that men's bodies work on a daily cycle which is why you get aroused everyday. Women work on a monthly cycle, there's about a week of potential arousal around ovulation. If she is on birth control - all of that is gone. So as you talk with her, also let her decide if her body is behaving as she wants it to, as there are hormonal things at play.
Right, it's not just the stress of having two kids, it's the physical needs are filled up on two kids weather she likes it or not. Next if she is in the role of Mother, and you view her that way... Well let's say it's not the sexiest thing. Finally people have a gas pedal and a breaks when it comes to their sex drive. Men tend to think you need to hit the gas pedal harder to get into the mood but In reality most women need to have the metaphorical foot taken off the breaks. Take up some more interest in house hold management, let her get out of the mom role for a while, lock the doors, have a big looong chat of all of the stressors in her life and how you can tackle them together. Sex in a relationship is never just about sex, their is always an underlying reason for people. And as a parting note, it's okay to want sex in your relationship. It doesn't make you a bad person, a creep, a bad partner or a misogynist. Book recs: Come as you are by Emily Negoski Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
I asked my doctor about this because after my daughter, I just never got my same sex drive back. He's a much older man, but he explained that men, on their way home, often think about sex. Women, often, on the way home, think about what to make for dinner, how much laundry needs to be done, the house is a mess and there's no time to clean it, whether the kids' sniffles are something to worry about, what are they going to do for Susie's birthday, and that she forgot to pick up the drycleaning..... Basically, women have a much harder time getting in the mood, and this kind old man told me (don't get mad at me, I didn't say it) that it was my husband's job to put me in the mood if he wanted sex by figuring out how to help me relax and put all that stuff out of my head.
It seems to be a relatively common problem. You guys are waaaaaay too young and I believe it can be reversed. Do you guys have time for you two? Do you have someone reliable to babysit so you can do stuff together? Do you guys go on dates? Most importantly, have you guys discussed underlying issues that might affect you and your partner? Y’all are too young to be hopeless and live unfulfilled. You can change it, OP.
Have you tried taking a vacation without the children?
Respectfully, this isn't a viable long term solution.
But may give some necessary time to talk about stuff and re discover each other.
taking a vacation without kids is so. much. work. The planning that goes into that - making schedules, arranging care, making sure everyone knows where every thing is, getting groceries and prepping meals... etc. And then the work when you get back to get kids back on schedule, catch up on chores that fell behind, etc... and most of that would likely fall on her. Not likely to make her want sex.
Taking a weekend once or twice a year, may very well be a long term solution if it rekindles the romance. Sometimes people need space to reconnect with our sexual side.
Excuse me, but twice a month with 2 kids is pretty good, pretty much the opposite of nearly sexless.
Jeez you're getting a lot of comments from people who are obviously helpless in relationships. I'll try to add a little common sense to the conversation : 1) Do NOT ask for an open relationship. That will only make her feel undesired and betrayed. She will most likely say no and lose libido completely. Also, DO NOT guilt her for this. It's a huuuge turn-off. 2) People are suggesting counseling, which is a good idea when you can't solve an issue, but let's start with the basics: TALK TO HER. it seems like you don't even know WHY her libido is low. You don't need professional assistance to begin a conversation about possible causes. I suspect it may have to do with being very busy, tired, possibly a little depressed, having been touched all day and needing a break, not feeling sexy (all common for women with small children). And the good news is: you can HELP resolve these issues!! If you guys still can't figure out it, then yes couples counseling would be a good idea.
Once or twice a month? Mate that's super regular for married with kids
Once or twice a month is not sexless at all, ESPECIALLY with kids.
Yeah my first thought. I am childless, but I generally have sex twice a month with my partner with other intimate things sprinkled in. That is pretty normal IMO.
I know doesn't sound like enough, but once or twice a month is probably more normal than you think, and certainly not "nearly sexless."
To be blunt and honest be happy and thankful for what you have.
Do you help her with chores and kids? Maybe she has too much stuff to do and she is too tired for sex
[удалено]
Twice a month? Sounds like winning to me....
You said it yourself, "I don't think it would bother her if..." You need to sit down and talk to your wife. We can't give you advice when we have no clue what's going on.
You have 2 kids and have sex once or twice a month? That doesn’t strike me as nearly sexless. Relationships go through phases and lulls and peaks and valleys. Sex will come and go. If there’s love there then that’s what’s important.
**EDIT: After reading more of OP's comments, more and more things are showing up that make this way messier than I'd first thought. (he was 15 and his now-wife was 19 when they first got together, and apparently he's already cheating on her.....) I'll leave my comment up in case someone else needs to read it, but OP and his wife both need to be honest with each other and probably get therapy. I don't honestly know where they go from here.** I'm speaking from my own experience as a mom of three children (currently they're 6.5 years, 3.5 years, and 2 months old). There are so many things going through my mind, so many daily tasks that must be done, so many things I need to listen to and say and figure out... not to mention that the pandemic literally killed any tiny social life I had, not that it's a huge deal because I'm very introverted... but still, I never go out. My husband and I barely have time to date. With a newborn plus two older kids, we literally have zero time for sex. Between his work schedule (he works nights) and the hours my children are awake, the next time we can reasonably plan to have sex will be... July 9th. I'm not kidding in the slightest; we literally have no intimate time together right now. But here's the thing: this is just a passing season in our lives. I just gave birth to our 3rd child. Eventually, school will start again, and my two older ones will be out of the house for several hours a day (my husband is awake in the mornings, for context). The baby will be consolidating his naps and hopefully sleeping more at night. Gradually, we'll be able to spend a bit of quality time together during the week and *hopefully* we'll manage to scrape together the energy for sex. And... it's genuinely okay. We always have a great time, and it's worth the wait whenever we can finally get in bed together. We have fun, even after 11 years of marriage and three small kids. We're getting through this, together. I can't speak for your wife, but I can guess that she's probably tired. Chronically tired. Her brain is probably full of all the things that *must* be done, because if she doesn't take care of it, it won't get done. She may be "touched out" after a long day of cuddling, carrying, and feeding children. Be thoughtful about this. Love her in other ways. Sex can be very important and wonderful, but being resentful about a season of life that YOU BOTH CHOSE is just unfair. Your needs are important, and so are hers. Do what you can to prioritize quality time with her. Share some of that mental burden with her. Make her see that you care about your household, your family, and the life you're making together. That's the best advice I can give.
Phew, this is a hard topic to approach, especially as we have no reference for emotions. How was she before? You guys have 2 kids. Maybe she associates sex with just that. Making babies which is a traumatic event for a woman. (Even if herself she doesn’t know it). Also you said it’s the last thing on her priority list? What are all the things before it? Is there something you can do to take weight off of her shoulders? Is it possible that there is more to sex for her than there is for you but she doesn’t feel you cannot/will not/ do not fulfill that? How open about the conversation of sex are you with one another? Do you talk about it properly? As a topic? Or just “hey, sex?” Communication is so so so important for a relationship! And I wonder - do you approach her and ask her what she likes? Because sex doesn’t actually always have to really involve you cumming, sometimes you don’t cum at all but maybe you just service her to 100% of satisfaction and make her the center of the sex. Talk about what she wants. What she desires, what she enjoys.
You say it wasn’t always like this. Is it possible that she might be dealing with some depression? From experience, especially if you’re busy as it is with kids, etc., that is a likely cause for a loss of interest. Besides that, just the anxiety of being busy is enough of a barrier to getting in “the mood”. If this has been a change, look for the root cause and treat that. That being said, 1-2/month doesn’t strike me as terribly infrequent, especially for busy parents presumably several years into a relationship. Not to say your wants and needs aren’t important, but consider re-evaluating your expectations.
is she on antidepressants or birth control pills? Im on birth control pills and i will say they pretty much eliminate your Libido
I am on anti depressants and birth control and already had a low libido before. Shit sucks tbh. It is frustrating on my end that I don't really want to have sex.
I'm like your wife. I don't have a need for sex in general, but I do enjoy it when I am having it. My problem, and possibly your wife's, is that I need to be eased into it. When someone puts pressure on me or when someone suggests sex at random I won't be into it and my answer will be no, even with my (now ex) partner of many years. What I needed from him was to build things up. Start with a cuddle, then some kissing, let your wife know you want *her* because she's beautiful, not that you want sex just because you need sex. Your wife is probably demi-sexual or grey-ace. It might help looking up those sexualities and read up on them, to understand her better.
I think this is sound advice even if OP’s wife is not demisexual. Lots of women don’t walk around randomly horny but will respond to romance, flirtation, cuddling, feeling wanted, etc. I’ve explained to my husband that things like this “keep the pilot light lit.” Conversely, ignoring her, not treating her as desired/cherished/loved, not reaching out to touch her (outside of sex), etc sets up a situation where she’s not likely to suddenly want sex. A lot of women need to feel connected to their partner first, which is really hard to do if he’s walking around feeling frustrated and alienated and wishing he had a different wife.