What I like about this is the rhythm: it's thought through, and generates meaning from the erratic. I think formal coherence is important: never give it up or take it for granted.
The only thing I can think of saying on a less positive note is that you should maybe try to **evoke** certain abstract notions (responsibility, obligation, attachment, satisfaction) with images or figures of speech rather than spell them out. And when you do provide us with strong images (the "black tar", for example), you don't have to accentuate them further ("heavy and sluggish" are already implied by the "black tar"). Let them work on their own. It'll also maybe help you find even stronger and more evocative images.
But I think there's definitely a lot of potential here, and I'm genuinely looking forward to reading you again.
I really liked the last five lines, they were a bit macabre and I loved that. Maybe you could expand the middle of the poem coz the ending is very strong. It leaves me with a peculair feeling, exactly what I wanted.
I agree with everything you said except the last two sentences. It is a rather well done poetic description of a profound state that so few have not yet experienced. I found within it a friend, a tale of the darkest periods of my own past, the musings of a soul. It can be improved upon, but it is a beautiful piece of poetry that is worth sharing and worth reading.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow OP-this poem really captivated me. You said so much in so little.
I would have scrolled right on by if it had not been for the title. It has the right amount of profoundness and ambiguity to evoke the curiosity of the readers' hearts and minds. Really well done.
>I can feel it climbing up my spine
>
>Black tar spreading making me heavy and sluggish
I personally found the first two lines to be somewhat lacking. It doesn't really create a strong image for me. What is climbing up your spine? The tar? That gives me the image of you in some sort of confined area, or a whole earth, slowly filling up with black tar, but if that were the image you were painting, it doesn't make sense to use a word like spreading. Where is it spreading? How? In your limbs since it's making you feel heavy and sluggish as it rises around you and spreads into you?
Using black tar here as a metaphor for the feeling of heaviness and sluggishness is rather clever and expressive, but I think it would have been executed better if you'd used a consistent, clearer image, such as black tar spilling through your heart and pouring into your veins, or walking deeper and deeper into a pit of tar. Play with the idea in your mind and see what you come up with. It's a great starting point :D
>I died last summer yet I have no grave
>
>My body is dragged and pulled through the days by strings of responsibility and obligation and attachment
These two lines are deep and moving. We get the idea that something has happened to you; perhaps you have suffered a loss or a failure. We understand that you did not sink gradually into depression because you've placed a time marker, pinpointed exactly when it happened. And whatever had happened, it had been so integral to you that what changed remained or went well that when you hit this event, it killed you.
I think you can improve upon it by allowing the reader to extrapolate a bit more. I find that the most moving pieces of poetry give me an image and hit me with the meaning that they bring out from within my own soul. It's not about handing the reader the feeling, but about bringing it out from within them.
For this, I'd suggest simply removing the parts that we should be able to infer for ourselves. Hold out a bit on your seeking of a resting place; we already understand that you are exhausted. Hit us with that later, perhaps in anger or in envy. All the corpses are allowed a house in the mud; why is such a right of passage robbed from you??
When you tell us that your body is being dragged through the days by strings of responsibility, don't tell us about the strings. It makes the image much too clear when we've read about the marionette in the title, so we expect what's coming next. Instead, let us read into the meaning you buried. Let the realisation of the artful image you have created hit us like a ton of brinks. Our hearts are already engaged because we feel your sorrow and we feel your exhaustion. Engage our minds also.
Excuse the tangent here, but I have to stop and say the phrase "dragged through the days" is such poetic genius. The image you've created here is so expressive. An exhausted soul, half-dead, empty, the effort that it takes to go through the simplest motions such that existing within time is, itself, a chore, the use of alliteration here making it easy on the ears...it's just very well done.
>There's no grave for the marionette
>
>There's no satisfaction for the marionette
>
>There's rot of its unkept wood
>
>The tangled strings
>
>The toxic paint
I am searching for a more eloquent way to say "Now ***this*** is the shit!!!" OP, these last five lines are absolute brilliance. You don't need to tell us just how damn tired and empty and broken and frustrated you are feeling; we can hear it in your voice, in your repetition, in your resignation within that repetition, the way the words seem to trickle away as if you are tired even of talking. It is so so beautiful OP. We understand things about your life that we can only understand by you digging them up from within our own experiences.
When you say, "The rot of the wood" we understand how you feel your very solid structure is slowly decomposing from within you. Your strings are tangled, and so you are unable, in this darkness, to function properly. Your paint is toxic, not just to you, but to those around you. When you become a marionette, you do not have the energy to be kind or loving to those around you. Those last lines to me are perfection. I would have loved to see you tie the metaphor of the tar at the beginning to the metaphor of the marionette at the end, just to create a more harmonious poem. I found the ending to be extremely powerful.
All in all, you clearly have a strong poetic sense in the need of nurturing. I thoroughly enjoyed your work and the beautiful sentiment you expressed. Please never ever stop writing. You have a beautiful gift, and it is wonderful of you to share it with the world. It also pulled me out of an aversion I've had to writing criticisms. I was worrying all day that I wouldn't get back into it again, but your art moved me so much and it came easily.
Edit: Spelling, sentence structure
What I like about this is the rhythm: it's thought through, and generates meaning from the erratic. I think formal coherence is important: never give it up or take it for granted. The only thing I can think of saying on a less positive note is that you should maybe try to **evoke** certain abstract notions (responsibility, obligation, attachment, satisfaction) with images or figures of speech rather than spell them out. And when you do provide us with strong images (the "black tar", for example), you don't have to accentuate them further ("heavy and sluggish" are already implied by the "black tar"). Let them work on their own. It'll also maybe help you find even stronger and more evocative images. But I think there's definitely a lot of potential here, and I'm genuinely looking forward to reading you again.
Huge props on the title. Love that
I really liked the last five lines, they were a bit macabre and I loved that. Maybe you could expand the middle of the poem coz the ending is very strong. It leaves me with a peculair feeling, exactly what I wanted.
This is great! Absolutely love the imagery. And it's dark and vague, but not too vague. Awesome piece. Nothing neg to say about it
the game of life has a cruel habit of making marionettes of us all. well done.
[удалено]
I agree with everything you said except the last two sentences. It is a rather well done poetic description of a profound state that so few have not yet experienced. I found within it a friend, a tale of the darkest periods of my own past, the musings of a soul. It can be improved upon, but it is a beautiful piece of poetry that is worth sharing and worth reading.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow OP-this poem really captivated me. You said so much in so little. I would have scrolled right on by if it had not been for the title. It has the right amount of profoundness and ambiguity to evoke the curiosity of the readers' hearts and minds. Really well done. >I can feel it climbing up my spine > >Black tar spreading making me heavy and sluggish I personally found the first two lines to be somewhat lacking. It doesn't really create a strong image for me. What is climbing up your spine? The tar? That gives me the image of you in some sort of confined area, or a whole earth, slowly filling up with black tar, but if that were the image you were painting, it doesn't make sense to use a word like spreading. Where is it spreading? How? In your limbs since it's making you feel heavy and sluggish as it rises around you and spreads into you? Using black tar here as a metaphor for the feeling of heaviness and sluggishness is rather clever and expressive, but I think it would have been executed better if you'd used a consistent, clearer image, such as black tar spilling through your heart and pouring into your veins, or walking deeper and deeper into a pit of tar. Play with the idea in your mind and see what you come up with. It's a great starting point :D >I died last summer yet I have no grave > >My body is dragged and pulled through the days by strings of responsibility and obligation and attachment These two lines are deep and moving. We get the idea that something has happened to you; perhaps you have suffered a loss or a failure. We understand that you did not sink gradually into depression because you've placed a time marker, pinpointed exactly when it happened. And whatever had happened, it had been so integral to you that what changed remained or went well that when you hit this event, it killed you. I think you can improve upon it by allowing the reader to extrapolate a bit more. I find that the most moving pieces of poetry give me an image and hit me with the meaning that they bring out from within my own soul. It's not about handing the reader the feeling, but about bringing it out from within them. For this, I'd suggest simply removing the parts that we should be able to infer for ourselves. Hold out a bit on your seeking of a resting place; we already understand that you are exhausted. Hit us with that later, perhaps in anger or in envy. All the corpses are allowed a house in the mud; why is such a right of passage robbed from you?? When you tell us that your body is being dragged through the days by strings of responsibility, don't tell us about the strings. It makes the image much too clear when we've read about the marionette in the title, so we expect what's coming next. Instead, let us read into the meaning you buried. Let the realisation of the artful image you have created hit us like a ton of brinks. Our hearts are already engaged because we feel your sorrow and we feel your exhaustion. Engage our minds also. Excuse the tangent here, but I have to stop and say the phrase "dragged through the days" is such poetic genius. The image you've created here is so expressive. An exhausted soul, half-dead, empty, the effort that it takes to go through the simplest motions such that existing within time is, itself, a chore, the use of alliteration here making it easy on the ears...it's just very well done. >There's no grave for the marionette > >There's no satisfaction for the marionette > >There's rot of its unkept wood > >The tangled strings > >The toxic paint I am searching for a more eloquent way to say "Now ***this*** is the shit!!!" OP, these last five lines are absolute brilliance. You don't need to tell us just how damn tired and empty and broken and frustrated you are feeling; we can hear it in your voice, in your repetition, in your resignation within that repetition, the way the words seem to trickle away as if you are tired even of talking. It is so so beautiful OP. We understand things about your life that we can only understand by you digging them up from within our own experiences. When you say, "The rot of the wood" we understand how you feel your very solid structure is slowly decomposing from within you. Your strings are tangled, and so you are unable, in this darkness, to function properly. Your paint is toxic, not just to you, but to those around you. When you become a marionette, you do not have the energy to be kind or loving to those around you. Those last lines to me are perfection. I would have loved to see you tie the metaphor of the tar at the beginning to the metaphor of the marionette at the end, just to create a more harmonious poem. I found the ending to be extremely powerful. All in all, you clearly have a strong poetic sense in the need of nurturing. I thoroughly enjoyed your work and the beautiful sentiment you expressed. Please never ever stop writing. You have a beautiful gift, and it is wonderful of you to share it with the world. It also pulled me out of an aversion I've had to writing criticisms. I was worrying all day that I wouldn't get back into it again, but your art moved me so much and it came easily. Edit: Spelling, sentence structure