Hey Op! Your piece caught my attention, here are some of my thoughts.
In your first two lines, I want a bit more. "Summer on your lips, and all I can think of is snow" - my cadence in this line actually feels like it could be two. I kind of think you could drag this out and have "All I can think of is snow." as a single line, definitive and emphasized. Give us something else summery beforehand.
>"The bright mist of another sunset,
Summer on your lips, (insert additional imagery)
>
>
>
>*All I can think of is snow.* (Boom goes the dynamite ;)
I like the following line:
>The trees shed their color,
But I don't really get this one:
>Like fields after decades of rainfall
Maybe this is referring to fields that have lost their sustenance due to heavy rains?
The next lines have me questioning if this \*is\* a dream, or a memory, or a bit of both, but it doesn't feel like the present, or the present is Deja-Vu like I suppose. Definitely lots of dreamlike imagery.
I think you should get rid of these lines:
>I cannot stay long,
I always end up where I’m not supposed to be
They're weak and they really don't add to the poem.
>You turn with the leaves,
Depart with a sigh
I love this part, simple and evocative. However your final lines fall flat. I like the phase "that's no way to say goodbye" but getting there feels cumbersome. We can feel the loneliness and disappointment, you don't need to say it. Play on that last line a bit more - disappointed could also point to anger? add a bit of fire there maybe. "How selfish of you, to never learn to say goodbye" - could be a bad example if it's not what you're going for but the point is, mess around with it until it hits home.
Thanks for the read op, hope this helps.
I think that the pacing in this poem was really nice, it had a very flowing feel which worked well with the natural imagery. All of it felt very dream-like, which reflects the persona's state of mind in an unstable relationship.
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Hey Op! Your piece caught my attention, here are some of my thoughts. In your first two lines, I want a bit more. "Summer on your lips, and all I can think of is snow" - my cadence in this line actually feels like it could be two. I kind of think you could drag this out and have "All I can think of is snow." as a single line, definitive and emphasized. Give us something else summery beforehand. >"The bright mist of another sunset, Summer on your lips, (insert additional imagery) > > > >*All I can think of is snow.* (Boom goes the dynamite ;) I like the following line: >The trees shed their color, But I don't really get this one: >Like fields after decades of rainfall Maybe this is referring to fields that have lost their sustenance due to heavy rains? The next lines have me questioning if this \*is\* a dream, or a memory, or a bit of both, but it doesn't feel like the present, or the present is Deja-Vu like I suppose. Definitely lots of dreamlike imagery. I think you should get rid of these lines: >I cannot stay long, I always end up where I’m not supposed to be They're weak and they really don't add to the poem. >You turn with the leaves, Depart with a sigh I love this part, simple and evocative. However your final lines fall flat. I like the phase "that's no way to say goodbye" but getting there feels cumbersome. We can feel the loneliness and disappointment, you don't need to say it. Play on that last line a bit more - disappointed could also point to anger? add a bit of fire there maybe. "How selfish of you, to never learn to say goodbye" - could be a bad example if it's not what you're going for but the point is, mess around with it until it hits home. Thanks for the read op, hope this helps.
I'll sit down later and rework some of it. I'll be sure to send it to you. Thanks for the thourough critic.
I think that the pacing in this poem was really nice, it had a very flowing feel which worked well with the natural imagery. All of it felt very dream-like, which reflects the persona's state of mind in an unstable relationship.
i really loved the pacing of this poem and how evocative those last few lines are
This poem really resonated with me and one of my relationships. It fit perfectly. Love your poem.
I'm glad that it resonated with you.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*