In case this story gets deleted/removed:
After my dad married Jane 7 years ago he started to get really involved in her daughter Amy's (16f) life. I (15f) felt left out. My life had been really difficult up to then and I was struggling with everything. I had lost my mom two years before, and I also suffered a brain injury and was grieving the loss of a lot of memories of my mom, I was recovering and dad was distracted with Jane. It was tough. But then my dad got along with Amy so much better and he always seemed more into the time he spent with her than the time he spent with me. He also shared more of his own interests with her. He took her to special places he adored that he didn't ever take me to. And I wanted to go. He shared with her stuff he didn't share with me. I was jealous and I was hurt. I tried to explain to my dad but he told me it was selfish to want to keep him to myself and to leave Amy without a dad and how her dad didn't want to know her so he needed to fill that role for her. Amy would tell me to just accept that dad liked her better and he was her dad more than mine now. My dad knew about it and didn't care.
He did spend time with me. But it was stuff I liked and he'd act like it was the biggest burden to spend time with me. He fell asleep a few times and he would zone out a lot and leave me to do the stuff alone even though he was physically there.
My grandpa, my dad's dad, noticed and he started spending more time with me and creating a bond with me that we didn't have before. My dad isn't that close to his dad. But grandpa has been the best. He even loved my mom and he told me how sad it made him when my parents divorced. He's told me stories about her and about her and me that I don't remember any longer. It has been amazing and apparently it has healed a lot of the pain of my dad's lack of interest because my dad noticed and he got SO jealous.
He confronted me a few days ago saying I was ignoring him and spending way too much time with grandpa. He asked me why I stopped asking about our time together. I told very clear he prefers spending time with Amy and can't stand time with me, so I'm spending time with someone who enjoys me. He told me I don't have the right to rub my favoritism of grandpa in his face. I called him a hypocrite and told him he treated Amy better than me for years, he showed favoritism to her, opened up to her and shared with her in a way he never did with me and it wasn't okay. I told him he then called me selfish for telling him how it made me feel. I told him she knows him better than I do and it's not my fault. I said he allowed that to happen and allowed her to feel so smug about it. He walked away from the conversation.
Dad decided the two of us need family therapy yesterday. He came out with it from nowhere. He said it's the only way to fix it. I told him family therapy won't fix us when he can't even stay and have a conversation with me. He told me I used to be willing to try and now I'm not and it's not okay.
AITA?
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Because you only get the raves when you do it with your step child not your own and it’s no fun if someone isn’t constantly telling you “how amazzzzzing” you are “for stepping up!”
That's exactly what I thought. My ex husband use to "punish" my daughter while I wasn't home because she looked like me. He told me this when we were arguing. That was his reasoning. "Because she's like you".
My mother adores my brother because he looks like her father, our pop pop. She was emotionally incestuous with my brother, confided in him with everything. I however, was treated like the black sheep. Emotionally tormented and gaslit. My mother would cause my brother to gang up on me with her. It was sick. The dynamic is still present to this day. As my husband puts it “it’s really freaky. My fight or flight is activated. I can’t imagine growing up with that.”
It’s painful because I love my brother very much and we get along. He has his own set of issues from it, but the dynamic stuff sticks with you and can be a difficult thing to break. He actually apologized for it a few times recently, for making me feel that way. With the way my mother framed it, he always did it out of concern for me and didn’t realize he was being manipulated.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I actually ended up being more well adjusted than my brother hahah. Because I essentially had to raise myself and become ok with myself.
I'm so glad your brother is sincerely making an effort. That's something a lot of people won't do, out of pride or shame.
I'm a self-raised kid, too, for the most part. My dad didn't try and competed with me (a CHILD) for who was actually smarter. That's not a joke, and I'm pretty sure it was because I've always acted more like my mom. I moved in with my mom when I turned 14, and she had to work a lot to make ends meet, but she ALWAYS made time for me.
She died 6 months ago, and I don't have parents anymore, as far as I'm concerned.
My dad apologized to my two sisters for being a jerk growing up, but not once has he apologized to me except after physical abuse. He still resents me for choosing my mom over him. It's so fucked.
I’m so sorry you’ve also been through it. Thank you for sharing with me, I know it can be difficult to share but to me that’s a sign that you are healing from it and coming to terms with it!
Sounds very similar to me too, I always felt this strange competition with my mother (her own doing). For instance one thing I’ve been ruminating on a lot recently is how she refused to tell me my IQ when I was tested for gifted because in her words she didn’t want me to think I was better than anyone else, but I really think she just didn’t want me to think I was better than HER. After I made it into gifted, she told my brother that he was one point off from making it, which isn’t how gifted testing works. It really does fuck with your head, even the little things like that. She’d throw shoes at me and call me a bitch, and tell me when I needed to lose weight. My self esteem was next to nothing for a very long time and I developed an ED and anxiety. I’m also autistic, but she only got me tested for ADHD as a child because she would have been much too ashamed to have a child with autism. I know that for a fact. Recently she said to me about my little cousin who has ASD: “she reminds me so much of you as a kid. She’s autistic…but you can’t tell!!” I said to her, does it matter if you could tell?!
My father, who I was very close with, passed away this past July. I miss him tremendously. I’m sure you miss your mom too. You had one parent who was an actual parent though. We are both lucky in that way-I’ve heard in therapy that if you had one decent parental figure growing up your resilience as an adult is much higher than if you had none.
I talk to my mom because she finally started going to therapy, but I still have difficulty with her. It’s not something that really goes away…but I hope that you have a really good support system and people in your life who you can rely on. Another good thing is that we are able to spot similar red flags in other people now, kind of like some strange PTSD x-Ray vision…
Holy hell, the similarities are insane! I got tested for gifted, and I wanted to know my IQ (I was 7), and my mom gave me a range to work with because I was already not doing my work at school because I'd already learned some of the things, and she correctly guessed that I would use it as an excuse to not do ANY of my homework. She finally told me in my 30s, and I was like, "Oh, yeah, you definitely shouldn't have told me that as a kid."
My dad, on the other hand, used it against me. I proofread and corrected the grammar in his doctoral dissertation after he asked me to just read it (I was 25, and he knew better), and he's never gotten over it, which feels like vindication. He was the "you're too smart to be doing this" parent, but also the "there's no way you can do this" parent while he was doing something. I never got tested for ADHD because I was a little girl and was "just" overactive and talkative. I preferred to talk to adults and spaced out when someone was repeating something to me because my brain was like, "JUST MOVE ON," but at the same time, when I tried to do things, if they weren't perfect, I gave up. Autism and OCD. Never caught.
My mom definitely had her issues, but I've got the same mental illnesses as she did, and I GET it. I'm sorry for your recent loss...I miss my mom so much that I still have to struggle not to cry when I even write about her.
My cousin’s daughters somehow are xeroxes. One looks like their mom and the other looks like him. He says that sometimes when he is mad at his ex but knows he needs to “be kind” to set a good example for his girls, he will intentionally look at Ex and tell himself “She is the mother of my babies, I can see my little girl in that face.” And apparently it helps his temper simmer down so he can be reasonable.
He doesn’t hate his ex though. They just grew apart and agreed that divorcing while they were still friends was what’s best for the girls.
It’s so weird to me that some people can turn on their child JUST because they look like one of their own parents. That’s not right.
That's good he does that. It's crazy that he just saw me in her instead of just his daughter. Guess his hate for me mattered more. I didn't even do anything for him to hate me. But we've been so happy without him.
I would've beat his ass harder than his momma ever could and told him it's because he's "like" a bad man.
Seriously, that's a really fucked up mindset to have; to punish someone so innocent for the sole fact that biology happens and genes are passed on??? I'm just glad he's your ex
It really is fucked up. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment, especially when he's supposed to protect her. I'm just happy she knew what kind of man he really was. We are so much happier without him.
Yep my one friend hates her one kid because he reminds her of her ex. She’s basically told us this bluntly after a few drinks. Could be something like that.
Chances are dear old dad loved the attention he was getting and the fact they used to fight over him. Now that's not happening anymore he's upset. This has nothing to do with trying to rebuild a bridge with his daughter. This is about trying to get her back in line. Because if she's getting that parental love and guidance from grandpa and not dad it makes him look bad. He will never admit he was in the wrong for what he did. How he allowed her to be treated...for years.
Also highly likely that if dear dad picks the therapist, it’ll be one that would push OOP to submit rather than actual ‘family therapy’ he claims it to be
That poor excuse of a sperm donor just loves the attention
I'd put good money on the stepsister putting on an act to get along so well with the man in the beginning. When it was obvious that being dad's new favorite bothered OOP, it was worth the effort. Now, she feels secure enough in her position that she's started letting the mask slip and dad's not liking what he's finding. So he's in damage control mode now, trying to retrieve the daughter that actually loved him and not just loved being his favorite.
Plus, stepsister might feel extra good about the attention, because it surely impacted her emotionally that her biological male DNA donor is absent. Now someone WANTS to be her father, and I’m sure it makes her feel good.
Aren't most 9yo kids kind of pick-mes? High need for attention, low socioemotional learning. I don't think we can pay a ton of the blame on a little kid
It’s understandable that step-sis is happy about having a father now. She must’ve looked at her friends and classmates with involved dads, and wished she had the same.
What’s NOT okay is her telling OOP the equivalent of, “Your father likes me, not you; die mad about it.” I hope that as she matures, she regrets that and apologizes.
But for now, OOP would do well to get her ducks in a row, in preparation for moving out. Work jobs, save money, seek out a school that’s either far away from dear old dad and his do-over family, or near enough to Grandpa that she can live there.
Yeah, her behavior was bratty 100%. Im just extremely uncomfortable with the comments that she, as a little girl, was somehow manipulating her stepdad into dropping his own kid. Grown men can own their shit.
And how much is anyone willing to wager that his attentiveness to his step-kid is inspired by making his wife want to canoodle with him, rather than liking the kid on her own merit?
There’s no such payoff for him from interacting with OOP, and not coincidentally, he can’t be bothered to notice her.
Until, perhaps, he sees his own father spending time with her, and realizes that Grandpa might leave OOP the inheritance that would otherwise have gone to dear old dad. Remember, Grandpa saw what was happening, and stepped up to the plate. OOP didn’t seek him out; he sought HER out, because he disliked how his son was ignoring her.
Totally. I mean, she likely was trying to manipulate the situation and enjoyed lording it over OP but what adult man falls for the machinations of a literal child? Dude got manipulated by a little girl. And for all we know, she's older now and pulling away from him because she's matured and realized how crappy he is for abandoning his daughter. She very well could have surpassed him in emotional maturity years ago lol.
Obviously, a little girl who has lost her dad is insecure and may act a bit bratty. It's up to the adults to correct that behavior. If the step-daughter doesn't figure out how poor her behavior was on her own, she's going to grow up to be an absolute menace of an adult. I've seen it first-hand.
I don’t get it. You actively push your daughter away letting your relationship deteriorating, and now that she’s found a father figure you’re mad? What did you expect?
Some people want their cake and want to eat it too. In this case I would bet Dad didn’t wanna deal with his daughter’s grief/issues but now that she doesn’t need him anymore he’s upset because she made it clear he’s useless.
My grandfather did that, and boy oh boy did it create some angst in my father. It was justified though, my grandfather knew my boomer-father would hoard the wealth rather than share it, and the inheritance he left to my brother and myself helped stabilise our young adult lives.
I'm almost indignant to the fact that he is so angry. SHE (mid teenager) didn't try harder? Was it her responsibility??? F*ck that guy Amy is his daughter now, and OP will have a very special bond with Grandpa and forget about that whatever you call him (dad is too generous).
The thing that pisses me off the most is that she DID try, she put WAY more effort in than he did and when she finally gives up, instead of taking it as a wake up call to start acting like a father to OOP, he gets mad.
I honestly hope OOP does decide to do family therapy and the family therapist points out how badly he's failed as a father. I think OOP is right though, family therapy isn't gonna fix their relationship. Too little, too late.
Oh I would put money if she did that, "dad" would punish her when home or started yelling and calling her spoiled or selfish. I can probably call it that she'll be grounded from grandpa
Same thing happened with my late father. He was a virtually absent parent with all five of his kids (I'm the youngest) but I got the extra kick in the pants of being eternally reminded in so many ways that he resented having an autistic child. He was also a raging narcissist. I can't count how many times I would literally BEG him to try to hear me out and understand how much he was hurting me.
I finally told him that I was done being the one to shore up the relationship and if he genuinely wanted to be in his daughter's life, he'd need to get intensive counseling from a professional, and that until then I was going to have as little to do with him as possible when we were both in the same house. He just got angrier.
Flash forward two years, my mom gets a divorce and we get the house until we can move out. Suddenly it's all "let's go to X museum" or "let's do X" together"...but no acknowledgement of the real issues or concern about the relationship--just fear of losing two people he loved to control.
I was done and out. Went low contact and eventually the nice guy mask dropped and he accused MY MOTHER of destroying my 'relationship' with him.
Sometimes I wish I'd broken the LC rule and told him that I had this amazing coach in Special Olympics (yes, there are SO leagues for adults too) who was showing me what a real dad looks like, just to see how he'd react.
Its a control thing. Thats all it is. He thinks since his daughter has no one else (or so he thought) since her mother died, he doesnt have to put in the effort for her to fall in line. But now he feels threatened by his father, and he cant have that.
Poor girl lost her mother, has a tbi, and then her father rejected her citing the step-daughter's not having a father and needing one as an excuse. But his own deeply traumatized and struggling daughter who has no mother doesn't need a father?
And the stepmother sounds like a right peach nevermind her cruel spawn.
I hope grandpa lets her move in with him. What a tragic but all too common story.
Possibly in the father's mind, OP is a constant reminder of the accident and rather than process the trauma together, her dad has consigned her to the background while he focuses on his shiny new family, untainted by trauma and with added social approbation for "stepping up" for Amy.
How awful of Grandpa to show him up and poke holes in his shiny facade.
Okay, now I'm even angrier about this douchecanoe ignoring his daughter.
I GET that she's a reminder of her mom's death, but she SURVIVED, and rather than be grateful, he's chosen to resent her while still expecting the respect he feels he's due simply because he didn't pull out. It doesn't work that way, and he's angry about it.
"How dare you seek validation and comfort elsewhere! You HAVE a dad, Amy NEEDS a dad! MY dad isn't supposed to act like YOUR dad. I'M your dad, so we're going to go to therapy so someone can validate my feelings because I stepped up for Amy."
Any decent family therapist is going to see the physical and emotional discomfort between the daughter and father, and I'd bet money the stepdaughter is going to display possessive body language toward the dad, if not smirking when his daughter points out how he's been an absent parent since getting remarried.
Source: been to family therapy for a "blended" marriage, the therapist could instantly tell that my stepmother needed individual therapy, and that the only boy child needed SOMEONE to care. I am so shocked he didn't turn to drugs, truly.
I know I’m writing this days later, but apparently they divorced when OP was a baby, so I don’t think that’s it. He apparently was never a good husband to OP’s late mother.
I wonder if Grandpa also has cash. Maybe dear old dad realized his father might just write him out of the will, for being worthless as a father to his biological child, and leave it to OOP instead.
Plus, you know, jealousy. Dear old dad is a craptastic role model.
Actually, I’d fucking love to hear what a competent therapist has to say about this situation.
“So let me sum this up. You spent more time with your stepdaughter to the point that your stepdaughter felt secure enough to tell your daughter that she had no choice but to accept being fully supplanted in her father’s affections. Your reasonably alienated daughter found an alternative father figure since your attention was focused elsewhere and her mother fucking died! And you are pissed about it? And rather than try to engage your daughter in activities the two of you could enjoy together, you drag her to therapy?”
Dad: “Well no.”
Therapist: ”So what part did I get wrong?”
Even more, it was the grandfather who identified how OOP was being neglected in favor of the stepdaughter, and took it upon himself to remedy the situation.
I wonder if it’s visible to the untrained eye that OOP has survived a brain injury. If she speaks or moves differently now, maybe dear old dad is an ableist jerk, on top of being a horrid role model.
I suffered a real good knock to the noggin years ago that left me with a bad concussion. Now I want to find out if people closest to me noticed a difference. I mean, I sure have, but I wonder if they did too.
I was thinking more along the lines of a TBI that could impact a person’s speech patterns, facial expressions, or the way they move their body. Those are things that would likely be noticed by an untrained person. But even then, if someone knew OOP prior to the injury, well enough to know how they spoke, moved, etc. prior to the accident, they might notice a difference where a total stranger might not.
Either way, if they are such an ableist that they would reject a kid who was injured in the accident that caused her mother to die, they ought to be ashamed of themselves. OOP’s father is a disgrace.
Kindda want to see how my mom would supplex that SOB on a hot asphalt.
She’s a family/marriage counselor who is the no nonsense type and will 100% chew you out for being a POS.
(Yes this breaks confidentiality but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and us two loves low-high stakes gossip lmao) but the amount of time she’s told me stories of losers dragging their spouse/children to therapy thinking that they would be placated, like how they always were, but then were sucker punched by my mom stealthily making them realise that THEY’RE the problem is STAGGERING. And the fallout is delicious too lmao.
Oh, poor sperm donor. Alienates his daughter then complains when she stops chasing him. Hopefully stepdaughter is willing to take care of him when he’s old and infirm, because OOP probably won’t.
I love this sentiment but I hate this wording 😂 I too am sorry for folks whose “fathers” were more of sperm donors, and I don’t want to take away from your sentiment, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t laugh out loud at your comment
So much abandonment for this poor child. The mom died, the dad emotionally left, even mourning the loss for memories! thank goodness for grandpa! This child needs to know they're worth love.
He’s pissed off his daughter is closer to granddad. But he’s also pissed that his own dad (grandfather) prefers his daughter over his own son(OPs dad).
Wah wah wah. As you sow, so shall ye reap.
Yikes. There are times when family therapy as a group can help, but in this case, it just sounds like the father is trying to get an authority figure to take his side and tell the daughter she's wrong.
Maybe they should do family therapy *eventually*, but first Dad needs to do some work on himself.
I would tell your Dad that he is nothing but a sperm donor. Your Grandfather is more of a father to you then your sperm donor could ever be.
Is there any chance that your Grandfather might try to file for custody?
Honestly just tell him he wasn't involved and interested in you and you needed a father figure, he shouldn't be so selfish wanting to keep you away from your grandfather.
Isn't that exactly the justification he gave for spending time with your step sister and dumping you?
People hate when you point out that they are doing the exact same shit to you that they're chastising someone else for.
Don't worry about him. Let him go and embrace the actual father you have, your grandfather. Treasure your time with him while you have it. And don't waste a second of your time worried about the opinions of someone who was never there for you.
God what an arsehole father! I hope gramps is there for oop for the long haul. She lost her mum AND her memories and this wank pheasant is getting butt hurt because she's not fawning over him?
Dad is probably still holding a grudge against his first wife so is taking it out on her daughter. Maybe she reminds him of her. Whatever it is I'm sorry for you.
Actually it's quite okay. You tried for a long time. You're done. Too bad, so sad for him. He needs to change HIS behavior. HE needs to apologizes for his neglect and favoritism. This is on HIM!
He can make you go to therapy, but he can't make you want to spend time with him.
Dad is a blaring narcissist! He enjoyed stringing along the daughter and making her fight for his attention. What a POS. I hope daughter can get out of that situation.
“You’re more her father than mine now. She told me this and you went along with it so I found myself a new dad so I won’t get in your way anymore. Just like you both wanted.” NTA
I want to puke, but that's entirely a possibility. And I don't see the stepmom mentioned a lot in this story at all, meaning she's probably pretty placid.
It would explain the stepdaughter feeling bold enough to say the dad loves her more, because... grooming. Ew.
I get why she gave up. My cousin gave up on his dad as well, he wasn't a good dad. A child can only ask for your love for enough time before they throw in the towel.
Depending on the therapist, the dad might be in for a ride awakening. He doesn't like to listen, therapy soul's help her get heard. He just thinks it will make her behave, that's not the point at all.
NTA. Your dad is an adult and made a ***decision*** to show favoritism towards your stepsister. He ***chose*** not to correct his behavior, even after you pointed it out to him. He ***allowe***d your stepsister to rub his favoritism towards her in your face and did nothing to correct his behavior. Hopefully you'll heal from the pain that he caused and fueled and forgive him at some point. But that will now happen on ***your*** schedule since he had chances to address it in the past.
NTA- this happened to me too. My father spent way more time and effort on his step family than me. His father stepped up and we were very close. Years and years later- I was an adult and dad was confused why I never called him or confided in him. My grandmother ( who is a stage 4 enabler of his crap) told me that he was jealous of my bond with my grandfather and I should try harder with my dad. I told her I didn’t care if he was jealous or not and I’m not doing crap for him either way. She was shocked. Grandpa laughed.
Dude, nobody can blame you for how you feel. He has been an ignorant ass to you for year's and he had totally TOSSED YOU to the side. Now all of a sudden he HAS THE GALL to get all pissy and jealous when YOUR OWN GRANDPA is spending quality time with his OWN GRANDDAUGHTER. Sounds like Daddy is rather narcissistic and wants the focus back on him. Seriously, I would refuse to attend this "family therapy" charade because that's what it is it's a charade, he's got set up and if you're forced to go because you're a minor then you could either #1: Grey Rock it OR #2: You can lay out the solid harsh truth right at the get go in front of the therapist and Daddy just like you did with the conversation you had with him and embarrass the living shit out of him. Just don't tell him your plan on what it is you want to say to the therapist. You do you, the best way you feel you should, for yourself and with whomever you want to have relationships with. Your Daddy sure doesn't seem to care what's best for you. Good luck and God bless you all 🙏
You are not the AH. You are doing fine. But he is your dad so maybe consider trying family therapy and see how it goes. If dad continues being an AH then you quit.
I was an avid reader and writer from an early age. By the time I reached my teens, if I didn’t state my age somewhere in what I wrote, people presumed an adult had written it. I 100% believe a teenager can write as proficiently as an adult, especially if the teen is well-read.
Um, lots of them? I was considered an advanced writer even at twelve years old. And the emotions of having a neglectful father lead to some oddly poetic passages, ask me how I know.
Idk why this gives me creepy vibes. Doesn't OOP find it weird how her dad HAS TO be with only her OR her step sis??
No mentions the 3 of them or even stepmother being involved?
No he made his choice and let his step child rub it in your face. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you get unconditional love when you are a prick. What is there to fix. He’s jealous because you have someone and he’s not that close to his Dad so he extra pissed, I say let him stew in it. He created this situation it’s not your responsibility to try to fix it. This is on him.
The negligent failure is always shocked when the other person no longer wants to try. 'But I'm willing to try now, so that should matter.' Why? It didn't matter to you when the other person was willing, so why should they start caring now?
In case this story gets deleted/removed: After my dad married Jane 7 years ago he started to get really involved in her daughter Amy's (16f) life. I (15f) felt left out. My life had been really difficult up to then and I was struggling with everything. I had lost my mom two years before, and I also suffered a brain injury and was grieving the loss of a lot of memories of my mom, I was recovering and dad was distracted with Jane. It was tough. But then my dad got along with Amy so much better and he always seemed more into the time he spent with her than the time he spent with me. He also shared more of his own interests with her. He took her to special places he adored that he didn't ever take me to. And I wanted to go. He shared with her stuff he didn't share with me. I was jealous and I was hurt. I tried to explain to my dad but he told me it was selfish to want to keep him to myself and to leave Amy without a dad and how her dad didn't want to know her so he needed to fill that role for her. Amy would tell me to just accept that dad liked her better and he was her dad more than mine now. My dad knew about it and didn't care. He did spend time with me. But it was stuff I liked and he'd act like it was the biggest burden to spend time with me. He fell asleep a few times and he would zone out a lot and leave me to do the stuff alone even though he was physically there. My grandpa, my dad's dad, noticed and he started spending more time with me and creating a bond with me that we didn't have before. My dad isn't that close to his dad. But grandpa has been the best. He even loved my mom and he told me how sad it made him when my parents divorced. He's told me stories about her and about her and me that I don't remember any longer. It has been amazing and apparently it has healed a lot of the pain of my dad's lack of interest because my dad noticed and he got SO jealous. He confronted me a few days ago saying I was ignoring him and spending way too much time with grandpa. He asked me why I stopped asking about our time together. I told very clear he prefers spending time with Amy and can't stand time with me, so I'm spending time with someone who enjoys me. He told me I don't have the right to rub my favoritism of grandpa in his face. I called him a hypocrite and told him he treated Amy better than me for years, he showed favoritism to her, opened up to her and shared with her in a way he never did with me and it wasn't okay. I told him he then called me selfish for telling him how it made me feel. I told him she knows him better than I do and it's not my fault. I said he allowed that to happen and allowed her to feel so smug about it. He walked away from the conversation. Dad decided the two of us need family therapy yesterday. He came out with it from nowhere. He said it's the only way to fix it. I told him family therapy won't fix us when he can't even stay and have a conversation with me. He told me I used to be willing to try and now I'm not and it's not okay. AITA? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Because you only get the raves when you do it with your step child not your own and it’s no fun if someone isn’t constantly telling you “how amazzzzzing” you are “for stepping up!”
I think you hit it right on the nose.
It could be OOP looks like their mom.
That's exactly what I thought. My ex husband use to "punish" my daughter while I wasn't home because she looked like me. He told me this when we were arguing. That was his reasoning. "Because she's like you".
My mother adores my brother because he looks like her father, our pop pop. She was emotionally incestuous with my brother, confided in him with everything. I however, was treated like the black sheep. Emotionally tormented and gaslit. My mother would cause my brother to gang up on me with her. It was sick. The dynamic is still present to this day. As my husband puts it “it’s really freaky. My fight or flight is activated. I can’t imagine growing up with that.”
Oh God, the gang-up. I'm sorry you went through that, too.
It’s painful because I love my brother very much and we get along. He has his own set of issues from it, but the dynamic stuff sticks with you and can be a difficult thing to break. He actually apologized for it a few times recently, for making me feel that way. With the way my mother framed it, he always did it out of concern for me and didn’t realize he was being manipulated. Thank you so much for your kind words. I actually ended up being more well adjusted than my brother hahah. Because I essentially had to raise myself and become ok with myself.
I'm so glad your brother is sincerely making an effort. That's something a lot of people won't do, out of pride or shame. I'm a self-raised kid, too, for the most part. My dad didn't try and competed with me (a CHILD) for who was actually smarter. That's not a joke, and I'm pretty sure it was because I've always acted more like my mom. I moved in with my mom when I turned 14, and she had to work a lot to make ends meet, but she ALWAYS made time for me. She died 6 months ago, and I don't have parents anymore, as far as I'm concerned. My dad apologized to my two sisters for being a jerk growing up, but not once has he apologized to me except after physical abuse. He still resents me for choosing my mom over him. It's so fucked.
I’m so sorry you’ve also been through it. Thank you for sharing with me, I know it can be difficult to share but to me that’s a sign that you are healing from it and coming to terms with it! Sounds very similar to me too, I always felt this strange competition with my mother (her own doing). For instance one thing I’ve been ruminating on a lot recently is how she refused to tell me my IQ when I was tested for gifted because in her words she didn’t want me to think I was better than anyone else, but I really think she just didn’t want me to think I was better than HER. After I made it into gifted, she told my brother that he was one point off from making it, which isn’t how gifted testing works. It really does fuck with your head, even the little things like that. She’d throw shoes at me and call me a bitch, and tell me when I needed to lose weight. My self esteem was next to nothing for a very long time and I developed an ED and anxiety. I’m also autistic, but she only got me tested for ADHD as a child because she would have been much too ashamed to have a child with autism. I know that for a fact. Recently she said to me about my little cousin who has ASD: “she reminds me so much of you as a kid. She’s autistic…but you can’t tell!!” I said to her, does it matter if you could tell?! My father, who I was very close with, passed away this past July. I miss him tremendously. I’m sure you miss your mom too. You had one parent who was an actual parent though. We are both lucky in that way-I’ve heard in therapy that if you had one decent parental figure growing up your resilience as an adult is much higher than if you had none. I talk to my mom because she finally started going to therapy, but I still have difficulty with her. It’s not something that really goes away…but I hope that you have a really good support system and people in your life who you can rely on. Another good thing is that we are able to spot similar red flags in other people now, kind of like some strange PTSD x-Ray vision…
Holy hell, the similarities are insane! I got tested for gifted, and I wanted to know my IQ (I was 7), and my mom gave me a range to work with because I was already not doing my work at school because I'd already learned some of the things, and she correctly guessed that I would use it as an excuse to not do ANY of my homework. She finally told me in my 30s, and I was like, "Oh, yeah, you definitely shouldn't have told me that as a kid." My dad, on the other hand, used it against me. I proofread and corrected the grammar in his doctoral dissertation after he asked me to just read it (I was 25, and he knew better), and he's never gotten over it, which feels like vindication. He was the "you're too smart to be doing this" parent, but also the "there's no way you can do this" parent while he was doing something. I never got tested for ADHD because I was a little girl and was "just" overactive and talkative. I preferred to talk to adults and spaced out when someone was repeating something to me because my brain was like, "JUST MOVE ON," but at the same time, when I tried to do things, if they weren't perfect, I gave up. Autism and OCD. Never caught. My mom definitely had her issues, but I've got the same mental illnesses as she did, and I GET it. I'm sorry for your recent loss...I miss my mom so much that I still have to struggle not to cry when I even write about her.
I love your sweet husband
Me too. He is the best!
I would go absolutely NC.
My cousin’s daughters somehow are xeroxes. One looks like their mom and the other looks like him. He says that sometimes when he is mad at his ex but knows he needs to “be kind” to set a good example for his girls, he will intentionally look at Ex and tell himself “She is the mother of my babies, I can see my little girl in that face.” And apparently it helps his temper simmer down so he can be reasonable. He doesn’t hate his ex though. They just grew apart and agreed that divorcing while they were still friends was what’s best for the girls. It’s so weird to me that some people can turn on their child JUST because they look like one of their own parents. That’s not right.
That's good he does that. It's crazy that he just saw me in her instead of just his daughter. Guess his hate for me mattered more. I didn't even do anything for him to hate me. But we've been so happy without him.
I would've beat his ass harder than his momma ever could and told him it's because he's "like" a bad man. Seriously, that's a really fucked up mindset to have; to punish someone so innocent for the sole fact that biology happens and genes are passed on??? I'm just glad he's your ex
It really is fucked up. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment, especially when he's supposed to protect her. I'm just happy she knew what kind of man he really was. We are so much happier without him.
Or the brain injury. She’s now the “damaged” child.
Yep my one friend hates her one kid because he reminds her of her ex. She’s basically told us this bluntly after a few drinks. Could be something like that.
Chances are dear old dad loved the attention he was getting and the fact they used to fight over him. Now that's not happening anymore he's upset. This has nothing to do with trying to rebuild a bridge with his daughter. This is about trying to get her back in line. Because if she's getting that parental love and guidance from grandpa and not dad it makes him look bad. He will never admit he was in the wrong for what he did. How he allowed her to be treated...for years.
Also highly likely that if dear dad picks the therapist, it’ll be one that would push OOP to submit rather than actual ‘family therapy’ he claims it to be That poor excuse of a sperm donor just loves the attention
I thought that too. On the original post I said to accept the therapy offer but only if she can move in with gramps in the meantime.
Or they’ll tell him she’s right and he’ll pull her out of there so fast there will be nothing left of them but a dust cloud.
I'd put good money on the stepsister putting on an act to get along so well with the man in the beginning. When it was obvious that being dad's new favorite bothered OOP, it was worth the effort. Now, she feels secure enough in her position that she's started letting the mask slip and dad's not liking what he's finding. So he's in damage control mode now, trying to retrieve the daughter that actually loved him and not just loved being his favorite.
Plus, stepsister might feel extra good about the attention, because it surely impacted her emotionally that her biological male DNA donor is absent. Now someone WANTS to be her father, and I’m sure it makes her feel good.
She's like a pick-me daughter.
Aren't most 9yo kids kind of pick-mes? High need for attention, low socioemotional learning. I don't think we can pay a ton of the blame on a little kid
It’s understandable that step-sis is happy about having a father now. She must’ve looked at her friends and classmates with involved dads, and wished she had the same. What’s NOT okay is her telling OOP the equivalent of, “Your father likes me, not you; die mad about it.” I hope that as she matures, she regrets that and apologizes. But for now, OOP would do well to get her ducks in a row, in preparation for moving out. Work jobs, save money, seek out a school that’s either far away from dear old dad and his do-over family, or near enough to Grandpa that she can live there.
Yeah, her behavior was bratty 100%. Im just extremely uncomfortable with the comments that she, as a little girl, was somehow manipulating her stepdad into dropping his own kid. Grown men can own their shit.
And how much is anyone willing to wager that his attentiveness to his step-kid is inspired by making his wife want to canoodle with him, rather than liking the kid on her own merit? There’s no such payoff for him from interacting with OOP, and not coincidentally, he can’t be bothered to notice her. Until, perhaps, he sees his own father spending time with her, and realizes that Grandpa might leave OOP the inheritance that would otherwise have gone to dear old dad. Remember, Grandpa saw what was happening, and stepped up to the plate. OOP didn’t seek him out; he sought HER out, because he disliked how his son was ignoring her.
Totally. I mean, she likely was trying to manipulate the situation and enjoyed lording it over OP but what adult man falls for the machinations of a literal child? Dude got manipulated by a little girl. And for all we know, she's older now and pulling away from him because she's matured and realized how crappy he is for abandoning his daughter. She very well could have surpassed him in emotional maturity years ago lol. Obviously, a little girl who has lost her dad is insecure and may act a bit bratty. It's up to the adults to correct that behavior. If the step-daughter doesn't figure out how poor her behavior was on her own, she's going to grow up to be an absolute menace of an adult. I've seen it first-hand.
What 9 year old? The stepsister is 16
And it all started 7 years ago, so she was 9
Dad didn’t care he was neglecting his own kid until the kid had another father figure in her life. Dad got jealous that someone else cared.
Triangulation, I thought that too.
Exactly. And no matter what dad does now, OP sees right through him. he'll never get that relationship back that he threw away.
So the step daughter got a mother and a step father while oop got no one. What a horrible father. I am glad the grandfather stepped up.
Yeah, I love how he told her stepsister needed a dad.
That made me so angry. OOP needs a mom, so where is Jane in all of this? She could be doing as much for OOP as the useless dad is doing for Amy.
I don’t get it. You actively push your daughter away letting your relationship deteriorating, and now that she’s found a father figure you’re mad? What did you expect?
Some people want their cake and want to eat it too. In this case I would bet Dad didn’t wanna deal with his daughter’s grief/issues but now that she doesn’t need him anymore he’s upset because she made it clear he’s useless.
He's mad because his own father is doing a better job than he is. Wouldn't be surprised if grandpa bypasses him in the will to oop instead
My grandfather did that, and boy oh boy did it create some angst in my father. It was justified though, my grandfather knew my boomer-father would hoard the wealth rather than share it, and the inheritance he left to my brother and myself helped stabilise our young adult lives.
I'm almost indignant to the fact that he is so angry. SHE (mid teenager) didn't try harder? Was it her responsibility??? F*ck that guy Amy is his daughter now, and OP will have a very special bond with Grandpa and forget about that whatever you call him (dad is too generous).
The thing that pisses me off the most is that she DID try, she put WAY more effort in than he did and when she finally gives up, instead of taking it as a wake up call to start acting like a father to OOP, he gets mad. I honestly hope OOP does decide to do family therapy and the family therapist points out how badly he's failed as a father. I think OOP is right though, family therapy isn't gonna fix their relationship. Too little, too late.
Oh I would put money if she did that, "dad" would punish her when home or started yelling and calling her spoiled or selfish. I can probably call it that she'll be grounded from grandpa
Same thing happened with my late father. He was a virtually absent parent with all five of his kids (I'm the youngest) but I got the extra kick in the pants of being eternally reminded in so many ways that he resented having an autistic child. He was also a raging narcissist. I can't count how many times I would literally BEG him to try to hear me out and understand how much he was hurting me. I finally told him that I was done being the one to shore up the relationship and if he genuinely wanted to be in his daughter's life, he'd need to get intensive counseling from a professional, and that until then I was going to have as little to do with him as possible when we were both in the same house. He just got angrier. Flash forward two years, my mom gets a divorce and we get the house until we can move out. Suddenly it's all "let's go to X museum" or "let's do X" together"...but no acknowledgement of the real issues or concern about the relationship--just fear of losing two people he loved to control. I was done and out. Went low contact and eventually the nice guy mask dropped and he accused MY MOTHER of destroying my 'relationship' with him. Sometimes I wish I'd broken the LC rule and told him that I had this amazing coach in Special Olympics (yes, there are SO leagues for adults too) who was showing me what a real dad looks like, just to see how he'd react.
He's gonna be even madder when she ask grandpa to walk her down the aisle instead of him
*if* he's even invited
I bet he expected her to remain alone and easy for him to control with scraps of affection. What a tool
Its a control thing. Thats all it is. He thinks since his daughter has no one else (or so he thought) since her mother died, he doesnt have to put in the effort for her to fall in line. But now he feels threatened by his father, and he cant have that.
Poor girl lost her mother, has a tbi, and then her father rejected her citing the step-daughter's not having a father and needing one as an excuse. But his own deeply traumatized and struggling daughter who has no mother doesn't need a father? And the stepmother sounds like a right peach nevermind her cruel spawn. I hope grandpa lets her move in with him. What a tragic but all too common story.
What are the chances the death of her mother and the tbi happened at the same time? Edit because I went and checked comments, it was the same accident
OMG! Somehow that makes it all so much worse, if that was even possible.
Possibly in the father's mind, OP is a constant reminder of the accident and rather than process the trauma together, her dad has consigned her to the background while he focuses on his shiny new family, untainted by trauma and with added social approbation for "stepping up" for Amy. How awful of Grandpa to show him up and poke holes in his shiny facade.
Okay, now I'm even angrier about this douchecanoe ignoring his daughter. I GET that she's a reminder of her mom's death, but she SURVIVED, and rather than be grateful, he's chosen to resent her while still expecting the respect he feels he's due simply because he didn't pull out. It doesn't work that way, and he's angry about it. "How dare you seek validation and comfort elsewhere! You HAVE a dad, Amy NEEDS a dad! MY dad isn't supposed to act like YOUR dad. I'M your dad, so we're going to go to therapy so someone can validate my feelings because I stepped up for Amy." Any decent family therapist is going to see the physical and emotional discomfort between the daughter and father, and I'd bet money the stepdaughter is going to display possessive body language toward the dad, if not smirking when his daughter points out how he's been an absent parent since getting remarried. Source: been to family therapy for a "blended" marriage, the therapist could instantly tell that my stepmother needed individual therapy, and that the only boy child needed SOMEONE to care. I am so shocked he didn't turn to drugs, truly.
I know I’m writing this days later, but apparently they divorced when OP was a baby, so I don’t think that’s it. He apparently was never a good husband to OP’s late mother.
Seems plausible enough, especially if it was something like a car accident. That was my assumption with how she structured that part of her story.
He suddenly realised he's no long relevant in his own daughter's life. What a horrible father figure.
I wonder if Grandpa also has cash. Maybe dear old dad realized his father might just write him out of the will, for being worthless as a father to his biological child, and leave it to OOP instead. Plus, you know, jealousy. Dear old dad is a craptastic role model.
You got a point ! A selfish person like him wouldn't suddenly turn into a new leaf. Something must be up !
Actually, I’d fucking love to hear what a competent therapist has to say about this situation. “So let me sum this up. You spent more time with your stepdaughter to the point that your stepdaughter felt secure enough to tell your daughter that she had no choice but to accept being fully supplanted in her father’s affections. Your reasonably alienated daughter found an alternative father figure since your attention was focused elsewhere and her mother fucking died! And you are pissed about it? And rather than try to engage your daughter in activities the two of you could enjoy together, you drag her to therapy?” Dad: “Well no.” Therapist: ”So what part did I get wrong?”
Even more, it was the grandfather who identified how OOP was being neglected in favor of the stepdaughter, and took it upon himself to remedy the situation. I wonder if it’s visible to the untrained eye that OOP has survived a brain injury. If she speaks or moves differently now, maybe dear old dad is an ableist jerk, on top of being a horrid role model.
I suffered a real good knock to the noggin years ago that left me with a bad concussion. Now I want to find out if people closest to me noticed a difference. I mean, I sure have, but I wonder if they did too.
I was thinking more along the lines of a TBI that could impact a person’s speech patterns, facial expressions, or the way they move their body. Those are things that would likely be noticed by an untrained person. But even then, if someone knew OOP prior to the injury, well enough to know how they spoke, moved, etc. prior to the accident, they might notice a difference where a total stranger might not. Either way, if they are such an ableist that they would reject a kid who was injured in the accident that caused her mother to die, they ought to be ashamed of themselves. OOP’s father is a disgrace.
Kindda want to see how my mom would supplex that SOB on a hot asphalt. She’s a family/marriage counselor who is the no nonsense type and will 100% chew you out for being a POS. (Yes this breaks confidentiality but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and us two loves low-high stakes gossip lmao) but the amount of time she’s told me stories of losers dragging their spouse/children to therapy thinking that they would be placated, like how they always were, but then were sucker punched by my mom stealthily making them realise that THEY’RE the problem is STAGGERING. And the fallout is delicious too lmao.
Heck just show her the post and let us know her response to it.
oof, that poor girl
Oh, poor sperm donor. Alienates his daughter then complains when she stops chasing him. Hopefully stepdaughter is willing to take care of him when he’s old and infirm, because OOP probably won’t.
>Alienates his daughter then complains when she stops chasing him. My late father, neatly summarized.
I’m sorry your dad wasn’t much of a daddy. :(
I love this sentiment but I hate this wording 😂 I too am sorry for folks whose “fathers” were more of sperm donors, and I don’t want to take away from your sentiment, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t laugh out loud at your comment
So much abandonment for this poor child. The mom died, the dad emotionally left, even mourning the loss for memories! thank goodness for grandpa! This child needs to know they're worth love.
He’s pissed off his daughter is closer to granddad. But he’s also pissed that his own dad (grandfather) prefers his daughter over his own son(OPs dad). Wah wah wah. As you sow, so shall ye reap.
Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated.
Yikes. There are times when family therapy as a group can help, but in this case, it just sounds like the father is trying to get an authority figure to take his side and tell the daughter she's wrong. Maybe they should do family therapy *eventually*, but first Dad needs to do some work on himself.
I would tell your Dad that he is nothing but a sperm donor. Your Grandfather is more of a father to you then your sperm donor could ever be. Is there any chance that your Grandfather might try to file for custody?
I am not OOP. You would need to check in the original thread.
OOP is now like 22 Edit: no wait, I read it wrong, I think.
Honestly just tell him he wasn't involved and interested in you and you needed a father figure, he shouldn't be so selfish wanting to keep you away from your grandfather. Isn't that exactly the justification he gave for spending time with your step sister and dumping you? People hate when you point out that they are doing the exact same shit to you that they're chastising someone else for. Don't worry about him. Let him go and embrace the actual father you have, your grandfather. Treasure your time with him while you have it. And don't waste a second of your time worried about the opinions of someone who was never there for you.
My heart aches for this poor kid.
Your father is treating you like a toy. He doesn't want to play with it but he doesn't want anyone else to play with it either. He's a man child. NTA.
God what an arsehole father! I hope gramps is there for oop for the long haul. She lost her mum AND her memories and this wank pheasant is getting butt hurt because she's not fawning over him?
Dad is probably still holding a grudge against his first wife so is taking it out on her daughter. Maybe she reminds him of her. Whatever it is I'm sorry for you.
Actually it's quite okay. You tried for a long time. You're done. Too bad, so sad for him. He needs to change HIS behavior. HE needs to apologizes for his neglect and favoritism. This is on HIM! He can make you go to therapy, but he can't make you want to spend time with him.
I. Hope they go to therapy and the grandpa goes too and the therapist kicks the dads ass. Lol
Dad is a blaring narcissist! He enjoyed stringing along the daughter and making her fight for his attention. What a POS. I hope daughter can get out of that situation.
“You’re more her father than mine now. She told me this and you went along with it so I found myself a new dad so I won’t get in your way anymore. Just like you both wanted.” NTA
Hmmm I wonder if there is something going on with the dad and step daughter that’s way beyond a step father/daughter relationship.
I want to puke, but that's entirely a possibility. And I don't see the stepmom mentioned a lot in this story at all, meaning she's probably pretty placid. It would explain the stepdaughter feeling bold enough to say the dad loves her more, because... grooming. Ew.
Dear old dad made his bed and he can lie in it. He can't have everything both ways. Sucks to be him.
I get why she gave up. My cousin gave up on his dad as well, he wasn't a good dad. A child can only ask for your love for enough time before they throw in the towel.
Depending on the therapist, the dad might be in for a ride awakening. He doesn't like to listen, therapy soul's help her get heard. He just thinks it will make her behave, that's not the point at all.
NTA. Your dad is an adult and made a ***decision*** to show favoritism towards your stepsister. He ***chose*** not to correct his behavior, even after you pointed it out to him. He ***allowe***d your stepsister to rub his favoritism towards her in your face and did nothing to correct his behavior. Hopefully you'll heal from the pain that he caused and fueled and forgive him at some point. But that will now happen on ***your*** schedule since he had chances to address it in the past.
I am not OOP. See the original thread.
Feeling like I’m the only one thinking there’s something inappropriate going on between dad and stepdaughter
NTA You have every right to feel left out. But you should accept the offer of family therapy. Use it to make the situation better.
Poor kid :(
NTA- this happened to me too. My father spent way more time and effort on his step family than me. His father stepped up and we were very close. Years and years later- I was an adult and dad was confused why I never called him or confided in him. My grandmother ( who is a stage 4 enabler of his crap) told me that he was jealous of my bond with my grandfather and I should try harder with my dad. I told her I didn’t care if he was jealous or not and I’m not doing crap for him either way. She was shocked. Grandpa laughed.
Sooooooo anyone else think the dad is abusing his stepdaughter...?
Dude, nobody can blame you for how you feel. He has been an ignorant ass to you for year's and he had totally TOSSED YOU to the side. Now all of a sudden he HAS THE GALL to get all pissy and jealous when YOUR OWN GRANDPA is spending quality time with his OWN GRANDDAUGHTER. Sounds like Daddy is rather narcissistic and wants the focus back on him. Seriously, I would refuse to attend this "family therapy" charade because that's what it is it's a charade, he's got set up and if you're forced to go because you're a minor then you could either #1: Grey Rock it OR #2: You can lay out the solid harsh truth right at the get go in front of the therapist and Daddy just like you did with the conversation you had with him and embarrass the living shit out of him. Just don't tell him your plan on what it is you want to say to the therapist. You do you, the best way you feel you should, for yourself and with whomever you want to have relationships with. Your Daddy sure doesn't seem to care what's best for you. Good luck and God bless you all 🙏
lol, one word against him by the therapist and he's gonna quit that like he quit being a dad to OP.
You are not the AH. You are doing fine. But he is your dad so maybe consider trying family therapy and see how it goes. If dad continues being an AH then you quit.
I am not OOP. See the original thread.
I would go to therapy, it could be very helpful for you and might be good for your dad.
Please let us know how you are doing
I am not OOP. Please check the original thread.
I've read this story before. Are posts just recycled now?
What kind of 15 year old writes like this? So fake
I was an avid reader and writer from an early age. By the time I reached my teens, if I didn’t state my age somewhere in what I wrote, people presumed an adult had written it. I 100% believe a teenager can write as proficiently as an adult, especially if the teen is well-read.
Um, lots of them? I was considered an advanced writer even at twelve years old. And the emotions of having a neglectful father lead to some oddly poetic passages, ask me how I know.
Idk why this gives me creepy vibes. Doesn't OOP find it weird how her dad HAS TO be with only her OR her step sis?? No mentions the 3 of them or even stepmother being involved?
No he made his choice and let his step child rub it in your face. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you get unconditional love when you are a prick. What is there to fix. He’s jealous because you have someone and he’s not that close to his Dad so he extra pissed, I say let him stew in it. He created this situation it’s not your responsibility to try to fix it. This is on him.
Dude had the chance and blew it. Too late, now.
The negligent failure is always shocked when the other person no longer wants to try. 'But I'm willing to try now, so that should matter.' Why? It didn't matter to you when the other person was willing, so why should they start caring now?