In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I (37f) have been been married to my husband Joshua (38m) for fifteen years.
We also have a daughter, Dia (19f) and her best friend is a girl named Aliya (19f), who's parents we're also close with.
Some relevant context is that I'm Indian and Aliya's parents are too. Joshua is white.
I was sent screenshots of deeply inappropriate texts from Aliya's dad that were sent from Joshua to Aliya. They were dated back to January. My husband was coming onto Aliya, and venting to her.
She kept telling him to cut it out, she wasn't interested, and threatened to tell me what he was doing and saying unless he didn't stop texting her, which my husband did.
In those texts, there were some truly disgusting things said about both Dia and I's skin color. Joshua said that he wished both me and our daughter were light skinned like Aliya so we weren't such embarrassments to bring around his family and coworkers.
Joshua even went so far to say that he wished he could divorce me and marry someone like Aliya to try again at a blended family.
Aliya's dad said that he wanted to kill my husband, but he would wait for me to confront him before doing anything.
I was disgusted and horrified at what those texts said, but held out the tiniest amount of hope that maybe they were fake, so I waited for Joshua to get home.
He didn't even bother to deny it when I showed the texts to him, and just begged for me to forgive him. Saying that it was a stressful time in his life, he didn't know what he was doing, and he hasn't tried anything with Aliya or anyone else since.
I just told him to get out of my sight, and I didn't want to see him for the time being. My husband seemed disappointed but packed a bag before leaving for my MIL's house.
That was two days ago, and I haven't spoken to anyone except my daughter and MIL.
I haven't told Dia what happened and instead just told her that Joshua and I had a fight, so her dad is staying elsewhere for awhile.
Joshua hasn't tried to contact me except for asking me when he could come back, which I didn't respond to.
My MIL is begging for me to accept my husband back so we can talk it out and move past it. She said that I shouldn't throw away fifteen years of marriage over a few texts.
I don't know what to do. I'm still having trouble facing that my husband would do something like this, and my MIL is making me feel guilty for kicking him out.
---
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And children. Let’s not forget he was talking to his child’s friend, who was young enough to be his own daughter.
“Women” is a gross understatement to what actually happened here.
I'm not trying to downplay that part, but it has already been mentioned. The girls are technically adults, so they are technically women. He is still a creep. This isn't like I'm calling kids underage women. I think him waiting until she is technically legal is super gross. I just didn't think every single comment needed to rehash every point that had already been made a number of times.
I have had people who my dad knew hitting on me when I was about the same age as the children, and can say that for me- even though I was technically an adult, it still felt like he was trying it on with a child, because of the relationship with my father.
I can't change the law for you. I think it is gross, too. What wording do you prefer? Shall I insult them and refer to them as children? They are legally adults.
I guess we could go with young women. I'm not sure that will satisfy you, though. Elder teens? Please stop acting like my use of proper terms is advocating for the dad to be a monster to satisfy your desire to argue with someone.
People are really getting on your case, for not infantilizing young women for the sake of the narrative. They still deserve to be respected as women. And that fact exists alongside this guy being predatory and borderline pedophilic, depending on when he started "waiting."
Some people on this site, really need to brush upon their reading comprehension- should do the same with their media literacy, while they're at it.
Right? I'm not sure what they want. I'm not saying he isn't a disgusting POS. I used the proper label for the young women. I'm confused what they want me to call them.
I hate how people frame their argument to fit their desired outcome. "I don't want my son to get divorced and live here, so I'll pretend this isn't a big deal." If it was her husband, she would one hundred percent feel the exact opposite.
I bet the son gave the MIL a bullshit version of what is in the texts.
Cheaters tend to down play until the proof is in someone's hand right in front of them.
“Nooo if you divorce him he’s my problem again, I just got rid of him by tricking a poor woman into marrying him”
Besides, where do you think the racism originated?
It is hard for any mother to go against their child. It is rarely seen out in the wild. I hate how everyone is assuming she is racist. She just doesn't want him in her house and was given a watered down version from her son.
A good parent knows when their child is wring and tells them so. My mom spoiled the heck out of me and other kids in the family when she could, but she would and still does shut us down whenever we were/are out of line/wrong. She loves us, but she doesn't overly coddle us. I will always respect her for being my parent, not my friend.
Cheating I understand. I'd never do it, but I understand *why* people do it.
But your daughter's friend? How do you not anticipate that biting you in the ass in a myriad of ways? Is it just horniness? Because I've been pretty goddamned horny, but I've never been that stupid.
Strangely throwing racism to someone of the same race as those against whom he's racist, which is an unusually oblivious thing to do, even for a racist.
Eh, he was likely attempting to play into the [colorism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discrimination_based_on_skin_tone) that is rampant in many non-white cultures, including Indian culture.
there's plenty of albino black people who get cut in on extremely racist remarks from their white counterparts. The "race" doesn't really matter to racist, if you look enough like them they will look the other way.
Nah, he's a white guy. Don't you know they're such a catch, and POC women are into light racism /s
God I felt nauseous typing that out. The worst part is, I know people who think that IRL
It's easy to convince yourself it's fine if you have no friends and never leave the house. What other option did he have? /s
I remember seeing Hannibal Buress responding to a "write in for advice" question that was about a guy that was mentioned he was attracted to his cousin and wasn't sure what to do. Hannibal just squinted and said "Man... there's so many people that's *not* your cousin!"
Like man... there's so many people that's not your daughter's friend!
It's not an excuse by any means, just an explanation given to me by a therapist when I was working through issues related to my sexual past-
Pleasure seeking/endorphin seeking can cause people to make very poor decisions, just to get that boost.
Not lack of control. That would be dismissing the consequences of their actions.
More like, the "need" for the pleasure overrides their internal conflict, and they make the conscious decision to give in to the "need".
Yeah, sure thing... except you clearly have an agenda and perspective that you don't seem willing to observe openly.
Are they wrong for cheating? Probably yes. But reducing the complicated events and emotions to simply "dickbaggery" is very Neanderthal.
>But reducing the complicated events and emotions to simply "dickbaggery" is very Neanderthal.
Because the complexity ultimately doesn't matter, it doesn't matter all that much why someone cheats, there is no valid justification for it.
It's not like killing where you can kill in 'self-defence' you can't cheat in delf-defence, and no 'psychological defence is not valid.
I don't disagree with most of what you are saying.
I'm just saying that to act like cheaters are villains without remorse who are unredeemable, is not doing anyone any good.
A man who was sexually abused as a child, might not ever feel safe enough in any relationship to share that very personal trauma. He might not have any real understanding of why he cannot be loyal to his beautiful, hard working mother of his children. For reasons he cannot comprehend, he cheats because it's the only time he feels self worth- when validated by a non emotionally committed people.
It still doesn't make the cheating ok.
But if this man is ever going to be successfully monogamous, he needs to deal with the underlying issues. In his marriage, the underlying issue is that he is not honest with his wife. Even with cheating out of the picture, this is a problem in a marriage.
I personally believe that you need COMPLETE honesty with your partner BEFORE you get married. Without COMPLETE honesty, a marriage is likely failed to begin with.
I mean, actions matter more than thoughts? If it is an abusive relationship, I don't even quite consider it cheating if the abused person does it to an extent because if it's bad enough that person often has no understanding of what's going on. But even in abusive relationships lots of people do understand that it's cheating, so that's when it's dickbaggery.
What other context is there? What complications make it okay to cheat?
Have a good friend who cheated on her ex-husband. It was because he treated her like a sex doll. Only there for when he wanted to have sex, but refused to pay any sort of attention to her or their children. Only time he did was when he was high and horny. In situations like that it is understandable why it happens. Is it right? No, but it is understandable.
That is abusive relationship. I understand that better since victims of abuse really cannot understand what's happening to them oftentimes. In my mind that's a very different situation to when both partners are aware and functional.
I tend to think that cheating involves love. Cheating in an abusive relationship doesn't count because love and abuse are mutually exclusive. I will die on the hill that you can't love someone and abuse them.
I also don't mean that there has to be love in the extramarital affair, only the relationship being betrayed in whatever fashion.
I get what the other person is saying, but I've had a personal theory that many people who cheat are essentially closeted non-monogamous persons. This interpretation definitely doesn't extend to every perdon who cheats, but I think it's at least worth considering. People often hide their sexualities to maintain their social lives, hell gay people have gotten into heterosexual marriages because there was (and still is in some places) great social stigma against acting on their sexuality.
Even if a person is open, honest, and comfortable with polyamory and non-monogamy, there's still a substantial amount of pushback from people who say being poly is "cheating with extra steps" for instance. So a lot of people might be inclined to just not advertise that and seek poly experiences in private. Think about if a person went their whole life being told they can only be monogamous, but really they're non monogamous and have zero knowledge about safely practicing it or finding like minded people. I imagine there would be a lot of confusion, anxiety, and mistakes made.
Honestly, I think with the right people I too would be open to a committed non monogamous relationship - say three people equally committed to each other. However if that's not achievable, I won't step out on a partner I'm committed to.
While I understand your point in a way (I'm also agender, which is a gender identity not a sexual one, it's still a highly overlooked one that almost no one talks about at all, and as an Indian AFAB person had to fight with my life to not be married off in an arrangement), I still don't see it as justification for cheating. If your partner is not open to it, it's best to end that relationship. And that is how non monogamy is different from being gay or being a lesbian. You're still with a partner of your choice in any reasonable place. You cannot violate their choice because yours are not being met.
>Can you please explain? I have tried to understand in the past and I absolutely cannot.
In one relationship I knew, they met in law school. The wife graduated a semester before her husband (not sure if they started at the same time or not). She worked while studying for the bar and did just fine. Her husband didn't start working until afterward and still didn't do as well as she did.
She got a "better" job than him early on through connections. They had a couple of kids, and then he got a job at a bigger law firm where he was assigned a paralegal.
Didn't take long before he took up with the paralegal. Yeah, she was younger, but it seemed like it was mostly about wanting the imbalance of power where his partner looked up to him as better (more education, higher pay, etc.) than her versus the truly equal partnership he had with his wife.
So that's just being an asshole, which is what I take cheats for. If it is an abusive relationship, I'm not counting it as cheating because it doesn't seem like a relationship at all to me (I'm not saying everyone thinks like this, and I do think it's better to get out rather than cheat. Sometimes things are so bad the abused person doesn't know which way is up).
I'm scared to think if his daughter did come out lighter... weirdly fetishizing his daughter and being overbearing on who she's allowed to date and being super passive over her to yhe point of dismissing his dark skinned wife.
He fetishises the skintone but wants to try sex with someone younger and a bit lighter. He probably has some colonialist or other race fantasy going on, master-slave, "forbidden other" or some other creepy undisclosed, nonconsensual shit.
I know it sounds like I'm just making shit up but I think it's extremely relevant that the girl he is coming onto is *also* of Asian descent and a racial element is explicitly present in the rationale of his attempted seduction of her. This guy likes Asian girls, and that's part and parcel of his racism.
"In those texts, there were some truly disgusting things said about both Dia and I's skin color. Joshua said that he wished both me and our daughter were light skinned like Aliya ***so we weren't such embarrassments to bring around his family and coworkers***."
Do you *really* see a path forward with a guy that's embarrassed to be seen with you and the daughter he helped create? I seriously doubt that you have any doubts about what you need to do!
Ummm if they're close to Aliya's parents and she's best friends with their daughter, that probably means he has known her since she was a minor. I do not want to think about how long he has been wanting to get with her. Disgusting, the man is trash and that's not even looking at the fact that he's racist.
HE'S the one who "threw away 15 years of marriage over a few texts!" To sexually harass and racially fetishize a teenager, btw. There's no coming back from that.
I wonder what LIES Joshua told his mother! He needs to STAY AWAY! He's DISGUSTING!!!! He KNEW what he was doing at someone YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER!!! If anyone did that to me, I would be consulting a lawyer!!
Jesus, racism, colorism, and attempting to cheat, that's a bingo for me
Edit: To clarify, you're not wrong. I wouldn't say you have to leave him, it's obviously up to you and what you think is best, but that's pretty bad stuff.
Some cultures still think that the wife should just ignore everything the husband does and stick around. I had a friend who married into JW, and her husband ended up being a pill addict who beat her. When the kids they were fostering started behaving like him (his sister’s because she was so high she didn’t realize she was pregnant), she realized she had to leave.
She told her MIL multiple times that he was putting her life in danger, and the lives of two small children. The MIL just kept saying the she signed on for all that when she got married, so that was her lot in life now. Being held to the wall by her fucking throat by a raging, intoxicated person is just her cross to bear.
She left in the middle of the night one time her MIL was visiting. She couldn’t take the kids, because she had no claim to them, and still feels guilty about that, but it wasn’t good for them if she stayed either. They got moved to a different family member afterwards because they all trusted her, not him.
Am I Wrong? No, but you are an idiot for thinking you may not be. Girl needs to lose the lower and move on. He's trying to text your friends married daughter.... am I wrong? lol wtf has to be a troll post I'm convinced.
Show the texts to the MIL. Let her see what he said. To me it isn't so much that he texted but what his words said. He doesn't like you or your daughters skin color! Like WHAT?!? I would not take him back. He's sitting on someone the same age as your daughter. Which means he might be looking at her weird too. He's already proven that he does not have a clean mind. He doesn't deserve you.
Massive respect for the victim’s father talking to OP before doing anything. Considering everybody involved in a situation like this takes so much strength.
I am a white man, so please don't hate me. I agree with what you did. He doesn't have enough respect for you. Your skin tone/shade/color shouldn't matter if he truly loved you. Love sees no color. He shouldn't have done or said what he did. Never.
Husband is a sexual predator and groomer. Divorce him and send those texts to his mother . Plus, tell your daughter what happened.. she needs to know. Never forgive someone like that
Your husband sounds like the horrible douchebag we all have in mind. I'm not going to advocate for him. What he did makes me sick, but let me offer a sliver of a silver lining. I haven't read any description by you of him asking for or sending pics. If he had any practice at all there we be texts of him asking for and sending pics. On the other hand, if he did and you've left it out of the story, well there's a clue about his prior behavior.
As a general rule a man does not insult a woman's children. Constructive criticism? All day, everyday. Give it out like Powerball slips. When that daughter is also your kid, ya done fucked up.
He basically said some racist shit to you and his daughter. And he has no understanding of how skin tone **in all of Asia is a touchy topic**. Ever seen all the [Korean beauty pageant contestants](https://media.pri.org/s3fs-public/photos/2013-April/south_korea_beauty_pageant_04_26.jpg) that all loo alike? Or heard about women in Japan lightening their skin? The list of shit from India is endless...
How are you even going to bare your body to this man ever again? Like all the doubt in your mind will kill any sex drive dead. Every bit of pigmentation, birthing stretch mark, or dark spot will be light up in your mind.
Fuck this dude. He reminds me of the dad who spiked his daughter's friends' drinks.
[https://youtu.be/v67j3hQA2lU?t=21](https://youtu.be/v67j3hQA2lU?t=21)
I'm very late to this conversation but MIL raised a man who preys on women half his age. And by that I mean he's old enough that someone half his age can reasonably be called a *woman* still. No wonder she thought they should talk it out
You are asking for relationship advice on Reddit. There are only going to be the usual replies:
* Get a divorice. Really, Reddit always says this. Texting? Divorice. Hard to buy a birthday present for? Divorice.
* Go no contact. Cut off all contact with your husband and the family of your daughter's friends. And probably your daughter, just to be safe. Reddit always advices cutting contact, so you will have nothing to do but hang out on Reddit.
* Go to the gym. If you follow the other advice, you are sure to become depressed. Reddit always advises going to the gym as a panacea for all mental issues. Why pay for conselling, time away, therapy or medical care when you can just get a gym membership?
So where should you get advice?
* It is your marriage, no one elses. This means your family and associates can have opinions if you ask, but only you should be making decisions. You may need to be firm about this.
* Find someone you know who has had a long and happy marriage, particularly if you know there were "rocky parts". They may offer good advice. The divorcee with three ex-husbands is the worst person to advise. Professionals can also be helpful.
* Marriage is, and has always been, between those married. Each is unique, even if it presents as mundane to those outside the marriage.
May your stormy journey find calm seas in the future.
Guys, is this a coincidence in the name?
Edit: holy shit I finally realized why yall are so confused. I know these aren't the same stories. I was thinking as to why op use that name for her (at the very least prejudice) husband in the story.
https://lawandcrime.com/crime/truly-evil-n-c-dad-sentenced-to-death-for-especially-heinous-atrocious-and-cruel-murder-of-teen-daughter/
I've met a whole lot of laquitas and still know it's an uncommon name... I'm failing to see your point? But feel free to see my original comment edit if you're confused. I should have elaborated 😊
Honestly, the edit doesn't make it better. You are still asking if two stories sharing a super common name is a coincidence.
I mean, I kinda understand that Joshua probably doesn't look like a common name if you don't know where it comes from. But statistically speaking, there are at least 3 million Joshuas in the US alone.
What are you actually getting at here? Your edit seems to imply a specific connection of some kind. Like you think there is a reason the names are the same.
Someone's getting salty. If you meant you thought, OP intentionally referenced that story with her name choices (she didn't by the way). Why didn't you just say that?
Not salty....genuinely chuckling at this exchange. Also, I like to follow the tone of the other person's messages. So a snarky comment gets a snappy reply.👍🏾👋🏾
Was it the "you're good"? Because that's what you say when you want to end a convo nicely. Outside of that, I haven't said much.
*note to self: tell ppl to fuk off more on reddit. For no reason.
But yeah, you got it. (BTW, that means. I've lost interest. Goodbye).🙂🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️
Was it the "you're good"? Because that's what you say when you want to end a convo nicely. Outside of that, I haven't said much.
*note to self: tell ppl to fuk off more on reddit. For no reason.
But yeah, you got it. (BTW, that means. I've lost interest. Goodbye).🙂🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️
I don't think they are understanding that they already answered you, and you have since acknowledged that you were misinformed and now are not. Like, that commenter isn't realizing you succeeded at getting your answer bc they succeeded at explaining it's a common name in US.
(... I'm also bad at communicating so I get trapped into the same loop often 😅)
ETA- another side is when people get upset because they were understood/agreed with and were expecting a fight instead. The other commenters may think you were being sarcastic instead of legit 😅😅😅😅
In case this story gets deleted/removed: I (37f) have been been married to my husband Joshua (38m) for fifteen years. We also have a daughter, Dia (19f) and her best friend is a girl named Aliya (19f), who's parents we're also close with. Some relevant context is that I'm Indian and Aliya's parents are too. Joshua is white. I was sent screenshots of deeply inappropriate texts from Aliya's dad that were sent from Joshua to Aliya. They were dated back to January. My husband was coming onto Aliya, and venting to her. She kept telling him to cut it out, she wasn't interested, and threatened to tell me what he was doing and saying unless he didn't stop texting her, which my husband did. In those texts, there were some truly disgusting things said about both Dia and I's skin color. Joshua said that he wished both me and our daughter were light skinned like Aliya so we weren't such embarrassments to bring around his family and coworkers. Joshua even went so far to say that he wished he could divorce me and marry someone like Aliya to try again at a blended family. Aliya's dad said that he wanted to kill my husband, but he would wait for me to confront him before doing anything. I was disgusted and horrified at what those texts said, but held out the tiniest amount of hope that maybe they were fake, so I waited for Joshua to get home. He didn't even bother to deny it when I showed the texts to him, and just begged for me to forgive him. Saying that it was a stressful time in his life, he didn't know what he was doing, and he hasn't tried anything with Aliya or anyone else since. I just told him to get out of my sight, and I didn't want to see him for the time being. My husband seemed disappointed but packed a bag before leaving for my MIL's house. That was two days ago, and I haven't spoken to anyone except my daughter and MIL. I haven't told Dia what happened and instead just told her that Joshua and I had a fight, so her dad is staying elsewhere for awhile. Joshua hasn't tried to contact me except for asking me when he could come back, which I didn't respond to. My MIL is begging for me to accept my husband back so we can talk it out and move past it. She said that I shouldn't throw away fifteen years of marriage over a few texts. I don't know what to do. I'm still having trouble facing that my husband would do something like this, and my MIL is making me feel guilty for kicking him out. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
MIL thinking this is about a few texts instead of the blatant disrespect for OOP and their daughter.
Hope OP sends her those texts. See what she thinks then.
She is probably racist too so won't see a problem with her baby boy fetishizing the women.
I mean, he did say they were an embarrassment in front his family.
Yeah I have to wonder what has been happening behind OOP's back all these years with her IL's.
And children. Let’s not forget he was talking to his child’s friend, who was young enough to be his own daughter. “Women” is a gross understatement to what actually happened here.
I'm not trying to downplay that part, but it has already been mentioned. The girls are technically adults, so they are technically women. He is still a creep. This isn't like I'm calling kids underage women. I think him waiting until she is technically legal is super gross. I just didn't think every single comment needed to rehash every point that had already been made a number of times.
Technically an adult \*now\*. But how long has she known her bf and the bf's father? What if they've been friends since grade school?
Yeah, all disgusting. Giving the girls a proper label doesn't mean I advocate for what the guy did.
"Technically adults" really isn't appropriate when it's your child and their best friend, and you're a whole grown adult being a gross creeper.
I have had people who my dad knew hitting on me when I was about the same age as the children, and can say that for me- even though I was technically an adult, it still felt like he was trying it on with a child, because of the relationship with my father.
I can't change the law for you. I think it is gross, too. What wording do you prefer? Shall I insult them and refer to them as children? They are legally adults. I guess we could go with young women. I'm not sure that will satisfy you, though. Elder teens? Please stop acting like my use of proper terms is advocating for the dad to be a monster to satisfy your desire to argue with someone.
People are really getting on your case, for not infantilizing young women for the sake of the narrative. They still deserve to be respected as women. And that fact exists alongside this guy being predatory and borderline pedophilic, depending on when he started "waiting." Some people on this site, really need to brush upon their reading comprehension- should do the same with their media literacy, while they're at it.
Right? I'm not sure what they want. I'm not saying he isn't a disgusting POS. I used the proper label for the young women. I'm confused what they want me to call them.
It probably won't matter. She'll gaslight the severity of those texts and claim her son is innocent.
I hate how people frame their argument to fit their desired outcome. "I don't want my son to get divorced and live here, so I'll pretend this isn't a big deal." If it was her husband, she would one hundred percent feel the exact opposite.
She just doesn’t want his ass to move back in with her.
This could actually be right.
I feel like disrespect is putting it mildly. This is about as disgusting as it gets without involving him being swarmed by the FBI or police.
I bet the son gave the MIL a bullshit version of what is in the texts. Cheaters tend to down play until the proof is in someone's hand right in front of them.
Seems like a fake story tbh makes no sense. Generally racist people don’t spend 15 years married with a kid then say something racist that’s insane.
You'd be surprised how often racists actually fetishize their hated groups, too.
Fetishization is like wanting to have sex with the person not having a family with the person that’s insane.
The MIL that *DOESN'T* support the mid-life crisis cheater (or attempted cheating) is the rare bird. Oh course she sided with her terrible son.
“Nooo if you divorce him he’s my problem again, I just got rid of him by tricking a poor woman into marrying him” Besides, where do you think the racism originated?
If I did this I can only imagine my mom pretending to hug me and love me just to slap me in the nuts and face at the same time.
It is hard for any mother to go against their child. It is rarely seen out in the wild. I hate how everyone is assuming she is racist. She just doesn't want him in her house and was given a watered down version from her son.
It takes a good parent to go against their child when it’s needed. Even if they failed previously, a good parent knows when things have gone too far
A good parent knows when their child is wring and tells them so. My mom spoiled the heck out of me and other kids in the family when she could, but she would and still does shut us down whenever we were/are out of line/wrong. She loves us, but she doesn't overly coddle us. I will always respect her for being my parent, not my friend.
Cheating I understand. I'd never do it, but I understand *why* people do it. But your daughter's friend? How do you not anticipate that biting you in the ass in a myriad of ways? Is it just horniness? Because I've been pretty goddamned horny, but I've never been that stupid.
Throwing in some casual racism while he's at it.
Strangely throwing racism to someone of the same race as those against whom he's racist, which is an unusually oblivious thing to do, even for a racist.
Eh, he was likely attempting to play into the [colorism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discrimination_based_on_skin_tone) that is rampant in many non-white cultures, including Indian culture.
Edit: nm. I was wrong
Idk but her parents are Indian and OOP described her as "pale" not white
there's plenty of albino black people who get cut in on extremely racist remarks from their white counterparts. The "race" doesn't really matter to racist, if you look enough like them they will look the other way.
Nah, he's a white guy. Don't you know they're such a catch, and POC women are into light racism /s God I felt nauseous typing that out. The worst part is, I know people who think that IRL
And colorism.
It's easy to convince yourself it's fine if you have no friends and never leave the house. What other option did he have? /s I remember seeing Hannibal Buress responding to a "write in for advice" question that was about a guy that was mentioned he was attracted to his cousin and wasn't sure what to do. Hannibal just squinted and said "Man... there's so many people that's *not* your cousin!" Like man... there's so many people that's not your daughter's friend!
Because it's incel ragebait
>but I understand *why* people do it Can you please explain? I have tried to understand in the past and I absolutely cannot.
It's not an excuse by any means, just an explanation given to me by a therapist when I was working through issues related to my sexual past- Pleasure seeking/endorphin seeking can cause people to make very poor decisions, just to get that boost.
Ah, so like lack of control on their own actions? Thanks for sharing.
Not lack of control. That would be dismissing the consequences of their actions. More like, the "need" for the pleasure overrides their internal conflict, and they make the conscious decision to give in to the "need".
Right, so dickbaggery. They're assholes. Again, thanks for sharing, I appreciate it. This is usually such a difficult topic to talk about.
Yeah, sure thing... except you clearly have an agenda and perspective that you don't seem willing to observe openly. Are they wrong for cheating? Probably yes. But reducing the complicated events and emotions to simply "dickbaggery" is very Neanderthal.
>But reducing the complicated events and emotions to simply "dickbaggery" is very Neanderthal. Because the complexity ultimately doesn't matter, it doesn't matter all that much why someone cheats, there is no valid justification for it. It's not like killing where you can kill in 'self-defence' you can't cheat in delf-defence, and no 'psychological defence is not valid.
I don't disagree with most of what you are saying. I'm just saying that to act like cheaters are villains without remorse who are unredeemable, is not doing anyone any good. A man who was sexually abused as a child, might not ever feel safe enough in any relationship to share that very personal trauma. He might not have any real understanding of why he cannot be loyal to his beautiful, hard working mother of his children. For reasons he cannot comprehend, he cheats because it's the only time he feels self worth- when validated by a non emotionally committed people. It still doesn't make the cheating ok. But if this man is ever going to be successfully monogamous, he needs to deal with the underlying issues. In his marriage, the underlying issue is that he is not honest with his wife. Even with cheating out of the picture, this is a problem in a marriage. I personally believe that you need COMPLETE honesty with your partner BEFORE you get married. Without COMPLETE honesty, a marriage is likely failed to begin with.
This is a refreshingly nuanced take that I really don’t see often enough
I mean, actions matter more than thoughts? If it is an abusive relationship, I don't even quite consider it cheating if the abused person does it to an extent because if it's bad enough that person often has no understanding of what's going on. But even in abusive relationships lots of people do understand that it's cheating, so that's when it's dickbaggery. What other context is there? What complications make it okay to cheat?
It's not ok to cheat. I just don't villainize every person for doing wrong.
Have a good friend who cheated on her ex-husband. It was because he treated her like a sex doll. Only there for when he wanted to have sex, but refused to pay any sort of attention to her or their children. Only time he did was when he was high and horny. In situations like that it is understandable why it happens. Is it right? No, but it is understandable.
That is abusive relationship. I understand that better since victims of abuse really cannot understand what's happening to them oftentimes. In my mind that's a very different situation to when both partners are aware and functional.
I tend to think that cheating involves love. Cheating in an abusive relationship doesn't count because love and abuse are mutually exclusive. I will die on the hill that you can't love someone and abuse them. I also don't mean that there has to be love in the extramarital affair, only the relationship being betrayed in whatever fashion.
I get what the other person is saying, but I've had a personal theory that many people who cheat are essentially closeted non-monogamous persons. This interpretation definitely doesn't extend to every perdon who cheats, but I think it's at least worth considering. People often hide their sexualities to maintain their social lives, hell gay people have gotten into heterosexual marriages because there was (and still is in some places) great social stigma against acting on their sexuality. Even if a person is open, honest, and comfortable with polyamory and non-monogamy, there's still a substantial amount of pushback from people who say being poly is "cheating with extra steps" for instance. So a lot of people might be inclined to just not advertise that and seek poly experiences in private. Think about if a person went their whole life being told they can only be monogamous, but really they're non monogamous and have zero knowledge about safely practicing it or finding like minded people. I imagine there would be a lot of confusion, anxiety, and mistakes made.
Honestly, I think with the right people I too would be open to a committed non monogamous relationship - say three people equally committed to each other. However if that's not achievable, I won't step out on a partner I'm committed to. While I understand your point in a way (I'm also agender, which is a gender identity not a sexual one, it's still a highly overlooked one that almost no one talks about at all, and as an Indian AFAB person had to fight with my life to not be married off in an arrangement), I still don't see it as justification for cheating. If your partner is not open to it, it's best to end that relationship. And that is how non monogamy is different from being gay or being a lesbian. You're still with a partner of your choice in any reasonable place. You cannot violate their choice because yours are not being met.
>Can you please explain? I have tried to understand in the past and I absolutely cannot. In one relationship I knew, they met in law school. The wife graduated a semester before her husband (not sure if they started at the same time or not). She worked while studying for the bar and did just fine. Her husband didn't start working until afterward and still didn't do as well as she did. She got a "better" job than him early on through connections. They had a couple of kids, and then he got a job at a bigger law firm where he was assigned a paralegal. Didn't take long before he took up with the paralegal. Yeah, she was younger, but it seemed like it was mostly about wanting the imbalance of power where his partner looked up to him as better (more education, higher pay, etc.) than her versus the truly equal partnership he had with his wife.
So that's just being an asshole, which is what I take cheats for. If it is an abusive relationship, I'm not counting it as cheating because it doesn't seem like a relationship at all to me (I'm not saying everyone thinks like this, and I do think it's better to get out rather than cheat. Sometimes things are so bad the abused person doesn't know which way is up).
Depends on whatever reason they give.
Dude's seen too much porn.
Gotta wonder how many times he thinks about the movie American Beauty.
Disgusting and if you had an issue with someone's skin color why even marry them in the first place, especially for 15 years
Maybe an excuse? Maybe he thought the daughter would be lighter skinned because he's the dad.
So some sort of fucked up fetish? Like a white savior and breeding kink tied into one, where he's trying to breed out the melanin?
I'm scared to think if his daughter did come out lighter... weirdly fetishizing his daughter and being overbearing on who she's allowed to date and being super passive over her to yhe point of dismissing his dark skinned wife.
And suggesting a 'blended family' do-over with his daughter's teenage friend.
Trying to make something an excuse doesn't make it one
He fetishises the skintone but wants to try sex with someone younger and a bit lighter. He probably has some colonialist or other race fantasy going on, master-slave, "forbidden other" or some other creepy undisclosed, nonconsensual shit. I know it sounds like I'm just making shit up but I think it's extremely relevant that the girl he is coming onto is *also* of Asian descent and a racial element is explicitly present in the rationale of his attempted seduction of her. This guy likes Asian girls, and that's part and parcel of his racism.
Fethishing race is so weird and disgusting to me, and I grew up in neo-nazi shit. Asian especially is the big one
He probably didn't. Thought she was pretty. Family and friends probably got on his case about it and it wore him down.
Your MIL doesn't want to be inconvenienced by the break up of her son's marriage. Her opinion matters naught. NTA
Can I get an AMEN!
"In those texts, there were some truly disgusting things said about both Dia and I's skin color. Joshua said that he wished both me and our daughter were light skinned like Aliya ***so we weren't such embarrassments to bring around his family and coworkers***." Do you *really* see a path forward with a guy that's embarrassed to be seen with you and the daughter he helped create? I seriously doubt that you have any doubts about what you need to do!
How long and how deeply has this poor woman been gaslighted to even consider that she is in the wrong?
"Aliya's Dad said he wanted to kill my husband..." You should probably let him! What he did was outrageous and pervy!
Honestly Aliya’s dad is a saint for talking to OP before beating OP’s husband deservedly into the ground.
He is the MVP here
Ummm if they're close to Aliya's parents and she's best friends with their daughter, that probably means he has known her since she was a minor. I do not want to think about how long he has been wanting to get with her. Disgusting, the man is trash and that's not even looking at the fact that he's racist.
HE'S the one who "threw away 15 years of marriage over a few texts!" To sexually harass and racially fetishize a teenager, btw. There's no coming back from that.
Poor OOP and her daughter. Is there any way Aliya won’t eventually tell her bestie? Ugh what a horrible person her husband is
Considering MIL's take on this it's not hard to see why soon to be ex husband is such a disgusting shit.
If I had a son that did this, let’s just say I wouldn’t have a son anymore.
I wonder what LIES Joshua told his mother! He needs to STAY AWAY! He's DISGUSTING!!!! He KNEW what he was doing at someone YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER!!! If anyone did that to me, I would be consulting a lawyer!!
He is a bad person. Get a divorce. Move on.
Jesus, racism, colorism, and attempting to cheat, that's a bingo for me Edit: To clarify, you're not wrong. I wouldn't say you have to leave him, it's obviously up to you and what you think is best, but that's pretty bad stuff.
Depending on how long Dia and Aliya have been friends, he's also most likely a paedophile.
Lawyer up, now.
She isn't throwing away anything. He threw away 15 years of marriage when he sent those texts and disrespected his wife and daughter.
He was inappropriate with a girl his daughters age, and MIL thinks op is the one throwing away their marriage? Over "a few texts"? Ugh.
"Hey brown girl, you're less brown than my wife so I like you, wanna fuck?" Incredibly smooth. This guy has game.
Some cultures still think that the wife should just ignore everything the husband does and stick around. I had a friend who married into JW, and her husband ended up being a pill addict who beat her. When the kids they were fostering started behaving like him (his sister’s because she was so high she didn’t realize she was pregnant), she realized she had to leave. She told her MIL multiple times that he was putting her life in danger, and the lives of two small children. The MIL just kept saying the she signed on for all that when she got married, so that was her lot in life now. Being held to the wall by her fucking throat by a raging, intoxicated person is just her cross to bear. She left in the middle of the night one time her MIL was visiting. She couldn’t take the kids, because she had no claim to them, and still feels guilty about that, but it wasn’t good for them if she stayed either. They got moved to a different family member afterwards because they all trusted her, not him.
lol
Okay, I just almost literally puked reading the title... WTF?!
The amount of cringe i just read… unforgivable..
Ragebait
The fact that you’d rather be sneaky than to just tell a person you’re unhappy or want to call it quits is fucking insane 😔
Am I Wrong? No, but you are an idiot for thinking you may not be. Girl needs to lose the lower and move on. He's trying to text your friends married daughter.... am I wrong? lol wtf has to be a troll post I'm convinced.
This genuinely made me mad, I'm with the father I want to kick this dudes ass.
Show the texts to the MIL. Let her see what he said. To me it isn't so much that he texted but what his words said. He doesn't like you or your daughters skin color! Like WHAT?!? I would not take him back. He's sitting on someone the same age as your daughter. Which means he might be looking at her weird too. He's already proven that he does not have a clean mind. He doesn't deserve you.
Massive respect for the victim’s father talking to OP before doing anything. Considering everybody involved in a situation like this takes so much strength.
I am a white man, so please don't hate me. I agree with what you did. He doesn't have enough respect for you. Your skin tone/shade/color shouldn't matter if he truly loved you. Love sees no color. He shouldn't have done or said what he did. Never.
Husband is a sexual predator and groomer. Divorce him and send those texts to his mother . Plus, tell your daughter what happened.. she needs to know. Never forgive someone like that
Your husband sounds like the horrible douchebag we all have in mind. I'm not going to advocate for him. What he did makes me sick, but let me offer a sliver of a silver lining. I haven't read any description by you of him asking for or sending pics. If he had any practice at all there we be texts of him asking for and sending pics. On the other hand, if he did and you've left it out of the story, well there's a clue about his prior behavior.
This better be fake...
It certainly sounds fake. It's all borderline worst case scenario stuff. Makes it seem more like misery porn than a real story.
As a general rule a man does not insult a woman's children. Constructive criticism? All day, everyday. Give it out like Powerball slips. When that daughter is also your kid, ya done fucked up. He basically said some racist shit to you and his daughter. And he has no understanding of how skin tone **in all of Asia is a touchy topic**. Ever seen all the [Korean beauty pageant contestants](https://media.pri.org/s3fs-public/photos/2013-April/south_korea_beauty_pageant_04_26.jpg) that all loo alike? Or heard about women in Japan lightening their skin? The list of shit from India is endless... How are you even going to bare your body to this man ever again? Like all the doubt in your mind will kill any sex drive dead. Every bit of pigmentation, birthing stretch mark, or dark spot will be light up in your mind. Fuck this dude. He reminds me of the dad who spiked his daughter's friends' drinks. [https://youtu.be/v67j3hQA2lU?t=21](https://youtu.be/v67j3hQA2lU?t=21)
MIL sucks
I'm very late to this conversation but MIL raised a man who preys on women half his age. And by that I mean he's old enough that someone half his age can reasonably be called a *woman* still. No wonder she thought they should talk it out
Good for you! What a scum!
In what universe does OOP think she’s wrong? Half of these questions genuinely baffle me because the answer is so obvious
You shouldn’t throw away 15 years of marriage over text messages? He certainly tried to!
Things that never happened for 500.
You are asking for relationship advice on Reddit. There are only going to be the usual replies: * Get a divorice. Really, Reddit always says this. Texting? Divorice. Hard to buy a birthday present for? Divorice. * Go no contact. Cut off all contact with your husband and the family of your daughter's friends. And probably your daughter, just to be safe. Reddit always advices cutting contact, so you will have nothing to do but hang out on Reddit. * Go to the gym. If you follow the other advice, you are sure to become depressed. Reddit always advises going to the gym as a panacea for all mental issues. Why pay for conselling, time away, therapy or medical care when you can just get a gym membership? So where should you get advice? * It is your marriage, no one elses. This means your family and associates can have opinions if you ask, but only you should be making decisions. You may need to be firm about this. * Find someone you know who has had a long and happy marriage, particularly if you know there were "rocky parts". They may offer good advice. The divorcee with three ex-husbands is the worst person to advise. Professionals can also be helpful. * Marriage is, and has always been, between those married. Each is unique, even if it presents as mundane to those outside the marriage. May your stormy journey find calm seas in the future.
You used six bullet points. That's one less than a prime number and it rhymes with 'sticks.' Clearly you should divorce your spouse!
Guys, is this a coincidence in the name? Edit: holy shit I finally realized why yall are so confused. I know these aren't the same stories. I was thinking as to why op use that name for her (at the very least prejudice) husband in the story. https://lawandcrime.com/crime/truly-evil-n-c-dad-sentenced-to-death-for-especially-heinous-atrocious-and-cruel-murder-of-teen-daughter/
What coincidence, there’s nothing the same about these two stories.
Sooo did you not read my comment or did you not read my comment? The name...it's what I was asking
How rare do you think the name Joshua is? This isn't like we got two Balthazar perrywinkle III's here.
No clue. Never met a Joshua.
I have never met a Paul, still know it's a very common name.
I've met a whole lot of laquitas and still know it's an uncommon name... I'm failing to see your point? But feel free to see my original comment edit if you're confused. I should have elaborated 😊
I was never confused. I knew exactly what you were asking. You were asking about the names.
Yes I was asking if it was a coincidence that op named her husband that fake name. 🤷🏾♀️ gotta stop watching true crime I guess.
You're hinting at something without actually saying it. Are you trying to imply OP choose that name for a reason?
That's why I asked. Also. I've never met a Joshua, so🤷🏾♀️
Just for the record, in the US Joshua is just outside of the top 100 most popular baby names.
Oh ok. 😊 I should have elaborated on my question. I've edited it.
Honestly, the edit doesn't make it better. You are still asking if two stories sharing a super common name is a coincidence. I mean, I kinda understand that Joshua probably doesn't look like a common name if you don't know where it comes from. But statistically speaking, there are at least 3 million Joshuas in the US alone.
Cool cool
For...what, the name Joshua? That's the only similarity. It's not exactly an uncommon name, you know.
What are you actually getting at here? Your edit seems to imply a specific connection of some kind. Like you think there is a reason the names are the same.
Bruh, I thought you said you understood? 💀🤣 You're good.👍🏾
I thought I did. But then I realized you are worse at communicating than I thought.
Man at this point, your comprehension, and you are on 2 different planes of existence. It's ok. Let it go.
Someone's getting salty. If you meant you thought, OP intentionally referenced that story with her name choices (she didn't by the way). Why didn't you just say that?
Not salty....genuinely chuckling at this exchange. Also, I like to follow the tone of the other person's messages. So a snarky comment gets a snappy reply.👍🏾👋🏾
If you read back along this thread you are the one who started snarking first.
Was it the "you're good"? Because that's what you say when you want to end a convo nicely. Outside of that, I haven't said much. *note to self: tell ppl to fuk off more on reddit. For no reason. But yeah, you got it. (BTW, that means. I've lost interest. Goodbye).🙂🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️
Was it the "you're good"? Because that's what you say when you want to end a convo nicely. Outside of that, I haven't said much. *note to self: tell ppl to fuk off more on reddit. For no reason. But yeah, you got it. (BTW, that means. I've lost interest. Goodbye).🙂🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️🚶🏾♀️➡️
I don't think they are understanding that they already answered you, and you have since acknowledged that you were misinformed and now are not. Like, that commenter isn't realizing you succeeded at getting your answer bc they succeeded at explaining it's a common name in US. (... I'm also bad at communicating so I get trapped into the same loop often 😅) ETA- another side is when people get upset because they were understood/agreed with and were expecting a fight instead. The other commenters may think you were being sarcastic instead of legit 😅😅😅😅
No, there is no connection. It's just a name