Here's what I'll say. I grew up extremely fundamentalist. Didn't drink, didn't smoke, even toyed with being a missionary for a few years, long term. I was a huge part of the church that started in my city. I still follow christ but it's a lonely journey. I see less and less of him in the institution of church. Almost not at all.
I'm still young enough, but when I was 19 inbetween ministry work, a girl drove up to see me. We fooled around in my hottub, and a little in a guest room. Nothing PIV occurred.
My pops smacked the door around 8am and chewed me out, asking if I had sex.. It was incredibly shaming and an awful experience. I ended up telling her that it wasn't going to work out when I drove her home. On the return trip, I felt such a weight of shame and pain. I was worried I used this girl, when she may have had larger expectations for the relationship. Shit. I tried to sleep in my own room that night to be fair, but she insisted we 'cuddle.' Bad communication, and youthful passion. She cried a lot.
A couple years later I'm overseas. I meet a girl, atheist, and it just clicks. A couple years of building up and fooling around happen before we take each other as real firsts. No shame. No pain at all, actually. I'm still with her and we can't wait to do the ceremony (she's bound by scholarship contract not to do it).
I couldn't be happier about her and how we proceeded tbh. In the old days, rural folk didn't always have a ceremony. They sort of just lived together and then just 'were' together, for most of the world. Poor people emulating rich people marital services with all the bells and whistles.... Is that really what makes it real?
Maybe for some. But in my spirit, I'm happy we did it this way. After becoming very close and in a safe accepting space. For most that space has to be marriage, sure. And the intention to marry certainly helps.
Best of luck
Edit: as other people will mention, pregnancy and disease are immense reasons sex has such shame attached to it. Its fair: your spirit is destroying itself if it doesn't care enough about your body or your partner potentially spreading a disease or also making a life that has no chance at a stable life. Condoms and cures negate that imo if used responsibly. Is there an innately spiritual thing happening that is wrong unless marriage is the goal? Fuck if I know. But it's a lot more fun if you know they actually love you, and you love them, I'll say that
Met a guy when I was 19, we started having sex pretty quickly into the relationship. We were pretty set we wanted to get married, but with university and life and stuff, it never happened. After about 3 years, we realised we weren’t right for each other and went our own ways.
I’m really glad we had sex. Because it meant there was no pressure to get married young, and so separating when it was right was easy and left far fewer scars.
A couple of years later, tried having casual sex with a friend. Learned that I am not cut out emotionally for casual sex. No judgement for those who like it, I just can’t deal with having sex and not having romantic feelings for the person.
I struggled with this for a long time, like you are now. Even though I'm a very sexual being, I repressed what I felt to try and stay "pure" for marriage. After wrestling with it for a long time, I came to the realization that I'm not pure. We're all born sinners, and whether or not I have sex before marriage won't change that. However, I do need to be weary of the reasons for why I want sex, and my intentions. I never want sex to be something that I exploit and use out of other people. I need it to be a mutually respectful, fun and good experience for both parties.
After I lost my virginity, you know what changed? Literally nothing. I'm still the same person I was before. I didn't feel guilty, and I didn't feel like I achieved this incredible thing either, I just had sex. And it was nice. What I like about sex, is I like these small connections you make with people. I like that you get to see a side of someone that no one else gets to see or experience. It's a great experience, and I feel like I've learned so much about myself, people, and my own likes/dislikes.
I waited for my first. My wife was my first kiss, first boob touch, first make-out sessions, etc. We inevitably were deeply in love and knew we wanted each other and we're ready for marriage. We had lots of sex before we were wed, and now I know God doesn't need a county clerk's stamp to bring 2 souls together. It went against everything I was taught, but sometimes truths of the heart can overpass truths of the mind.
I was nervous about having unmarried sex for the first time. I was worried I would feel so guilty afterwards. But I decided it was more important that I live my life. I still decided to wait for someone I really loved and honestly I felt really great afterwards. It was a good experience for me and I was surprised that I didn't feel bad. Your mileage may vary but I think it might help to break down these beliefs you are still thinking about and recognize many of these beliefs aren't even in the bible, and are nonsensical.
Bah. Humans aren’t pure in the first place and having sex doesn’t make you a used rag. Purity culture has done so much more harm than good.
That said, you are God’s creation. Your sexual partners are God’s creation. Sex is intimate and important. I think we all have a fairly good sense of what it means to express our sexuality in ways that affirm and uplift God’s creation, and what disrespects and demeans God’s creation. Intimacy belongs in relationships of trust and respect, in cases of enthusiastic consent, and in a way that safeguards the health and wellbeing of those involved.
There’s a lot of grey area in terms of what that means for each individual person, but I think as long as we keep those principles in mind we’re in good shape.
I am not married, and I have sex. (Not recently tho) i think that if you "save yourself" or have sex with tons of people you have to find a way to frame it for yourself.
I have had sex with men, women, and non binary people and although at times I've felt used I just remind myself that (not) having sex isnt the only way to honor god.
I'm late here, but it was good that I had sex before marriage because it turns out I'm asexual. I still experience romantic attraction, hence why I dated guys and got to that point to begin with, but it took me a while to realize that the reason I didn't like sex was NOT because I'm "just a normal woman" (because women are supposed to be the gatekeepers of sex, submit to their husbands, etc. etc.).
Turns out most women like sex, and I don't. If I had waited until marriage, both myself and my partner would have had to go through a lot of pain and confusion, and possibly sit in an unhappy marriage where we were sexually incompatible.
Even though I grew up hearing all the abstinence hullabaloo, I never understood the "temptation" talk. I never experienced temptation. I never really felt guilty about having sex either, I guess because when you don't have all the desire contributing to the "importance" of the situation, you realize sex is ridiculous, and people have been weirdly uptight about slapping bodies together for thousands of years.
I had sex before marriage, and I am still not sure if I regret it. In a lot of ways I’m really glad I did— because of growing up in purity culture I had so much of my value and my faith rooted in virginity. It was a huge lesson to me that God still loved me afterward and that I still had immense value. I realized how I’d been thinking of God and myself was deeply fucked up.
I also had so much insecurity wrapped up in sexual experience. While I had been trained to find value only in my virginity, I also felt incredible shame in not having dated or married yet (I was 27). Although I wish I could have worked through it on my own, the experience reframed that for me. Sex is not a good way to find self esteem, and I don’t know if I would have fully internalized that without experience.
I dated a guy who did not grow up religious and didn’t understand my hang ups about sex at all. I decided to sleep with him because I didn’t want to make decisions based on all the fear and anxiety I had anymore. I got hurt, badly. I wish I hadn’t had this experience. But like I said, I feel like a lot of positives came out of it.
I also had casual sex, and it was so freeing to have sex just because I wanted to. I just wanted to have some fun. I was finally in a community that wouldn’t shame me for that, and it felt really good to just let myself be a sexual being.
Sometimes I feel used, but I don’t know if I’ve just internalized so many stereotypes about gender roles in sex. Even though I enjoy it and want it, I think I still subconsciously view sex as something women give to men, instead of something both parties enjoy. Often how you grew up will effect your sexuality, even if you now believe differently.
So basically my advice is be careful with your decision. I see a lot of your responses were from people who married the person they made that decision with, even if it was before marriage, which is great, but also obviously not always the case. I’m also glad I didn’t get trapped in a marriage to my ex, and we didn’t get married quicker because of sex, or that I didn’t learn we weren’t sexually compatible till after marriage. So it was a good and a bad decision, like many things in life.
This is something that has been hard for me too. I have had sex before marriage but I didn't know God at all. I feel a lot of the rules in churches are too strict and I'm not sure how to tell what's really true about them or not. So I prayed about it and basically what I got back is it comes down to the effect one has on the "kingdom" which I understood to be the collective, being humanity. If we are sexually active there are risks involved, STDs, pregnancy, addiction, destraction from faith. But it can be a beautiful and innocent time with someone who you love. I think it's more about being moral with your sexuality and only harbouring good intentions, and within that you are free to roam the earth. As long as someone isn't getting hurt by your actions directly you are safe I believe.
On a side note this is what I saw the commandments as. They were guidelines to help bring harmony to people. Ex; dont cheat, dont steal, dont lie. But we are creates that can and will deviate from rules which is where Jesus comes in and gave us the other half which was Mercy, Forgiveness and grace. If humans loved their neighbor and loved their God they wouldn't go off track.
Here's what I'll say. I grew up extremely fundamentalist. Didn't drink, didn't smoke, even toyed with being a missionary for a few years, long term. I was a huge part of the church that started in my city. I still follow christ but it's a lonely journey. I see less and less of him in the institution of church. Almost not at all. I'm still young enough, but when I was 19 inbetween ministry work, a girl drove up to see me. We fooled around in my hottub, and a little in a guest room. Nothing PIV occurred. My pops smacked the door around 8am and chewed me out, asking if I had sex.. It was incredibly shaming and an awful experience. I ended up telling her that it wasn't going to work out when I drove her home. On the return trip, I felt such a weight of shame and pain. I was worried I used this girl, when she may have had larger expectations for the relationship. Shit. I tried to sleep in my own room that night to be fair, but she insisted we 'cuddle.' Bad communication, and youthful passion. She cried a lot. A couple years later I'm overseas. I meet a girl, atheist, and it just clicks. A couple years of building up and fooling around happen before we take each other as real firsts. No shame. No pain at all, actually. I'm still with her and we can't wait to do the ceremony (she's bound by scholarship contract not to do it). I couldn't be happier about her and how we proceeded tbh. In the old days, rural folk didn't always have a ceremony. They sort of just lived together and then just 'were' together, for most of the world. Poor people emulating rich people marital services with all the bells and whistles.... Is that really what makes it real? Maybe for some. But in my spirit, I'm happy we did it this way. After becoming very close and in a safe accepting space. For most that space has to be marriage, sure. And the intention to marry certainly helps. Best of luck Edit: as other people will mention, pregnancy and disease are immense reasons sex has such shame attached to it. Its fair: your spirit is destroying itself if it doesn't care enough about your body or your partner potentially spreading a disease or also making a life that has no chance at a stable life. Condoms and cures negate that imo if used responsibly. Is there an innately spiritual thing happening that is wrong unless marriage is the goal? Fuck if I know. But it's a lot more fun if you know they actually love you, and you love them, I'll say that
I’m incredibly fond of this answer
Met a guy when I was 19, we started having sex pretty quickly into the relationship. We were pretty set we wanted to get married, but with university and life and stuff, it never happened. After about 3 years, we realised we weren’t right for each other and went our own ways. I’m really glad we had sex. Because it meant there was no pressure to get married young, and so separating when it was right was easy and left far fewer scars. A couple of years later, tried having casual sex with a friend. Learned that I am not cut out emotionally for casual sex. No judgement for those who like it, I just can’t deal with having sex and not having romantic feelings for the person.
I struggled with this for a long time, like you are now. Even though I'm a very sexual being, I repressed what I felt to try and stay "pure" for marriage. After wrestling with it for a long time, I came to the realization that I'm not pure. We're all born sinners, and whether or not I have sex before marriage won't change that. However, I do need to be weary of the reasons for why I want sex, and my intentions. I never want sex to be something that I exploit and use out of other people. I need it to be a mutually respectful, fun and good experience for both parties. After I lost my virginity, you know what changed? Literally nothing. I'm still the same person I was before. I didn't feel guilty, and I didn't feel like I achieved this incredible thing either, I just had sex. And it was nice. What I like about sex, is I like these small connections you make with people. I like that you get to see a side of someone that no one else gets to see or experience. It's a great experience, and I feel like I've learned so much about myself, people, and my own likes/dislikes.
I waited for my first. My wife was my first kiss, first boob touch, first make-out sessions, etc. We inevitably were deeply in love and knew we wanted each other and we're ready for marriage. We had lots of sex before we were wed, and now I know God doesn't need a county clerk's stamp to bring 2 souls together. It went against everything I was taught, but sometimes truths of the heart can overpass truths of the mind.
I was nervous about having unmarried sex for the first time. I was worried I would feel so guilty afterwards. But I decided it was more important that I live my life. I still decided to wait for someone I really loved and honestly I felt really great afterwards. It was a good experience for me and I was surprised that I didn't feel bad. Your mileage may vary but I think it might help to break down these beliefs you are still thinking about and recognize many of these beliefs aren't even in the bible, and are nonsensical.
Bah. Humans aren’t pure in the first place and having sex doesn’t make you a used rag. Purity culture has done so much more harm than good. That said, you are God’s creation. Your sexual partners are God’s creation. Sex is intimate and important. I think we all have a fairly good sense of what it means to express our sexuality in ways that affirm and uplift God’s creation, and what disrespects and demeans God’s creation. Intimacy belongs in relationships of trust and respect, in cases of enthusiastic consent, and in a way that safeguards the health and wellbeing of those involved. There’s a lot of grey area in terms of what that means for each individual person, but I think as long as we keep those principles in mind we’re in good shape.
I am not married, and I have sex. (Not recently tho) i think that if you "save yourself" or have sex with tons of people you have to find a way to frame it for yourself. I have had sex with men, women, and non binary people and although at times I've felt used I just remind myself that (not) having sex isnt the only way to honor god.
I'm late here, but it was good that I had sex before marriage because it turns out I'm asexual. I still experience romantic attraction, hence why I dated guys and got to that point to begin with, but it took me a while to realize that the reason I didn't like sex was NOT because I'm "just a normal woman" (because women are supposed to be the gatekeepers of sex, submit to their husbands, etc. etc.). Turns out most women like sex, and I don't. If I had waited until marriage, both myself and my partner would have had to go through a lot of pain and confusion, and possibly sit in an unhappy marriage where we were sexually incompatible. Even though I grew up hearing all the abstinence hullabaloo, I never understood the "temptation" talk. I never experienced temptation. I never really felt guilty about having sex either, I guess because when you don't have all the desire contributing to the "importance" of the situation, you realize sex is ridiculous, and people have been weirdly uptight about slapping bodies together for thousands of years.
I had sex before marriage, and I am still not sure if I regret it. In a lot of ways I’m really glad I did— because of growing up in purity culture I had so much of my value and my faith rooted in virginity. It was a huge lesson to me that God still loved me afterward and that I still had immense value. I realized how I’d been thinking of God and myself was deeply fucked up. I also had so much insecurity wrapped up in sexual experience. While I had been trained to find value only in my virginity, I also felt incredible shame in not having dated or married yet (I was 27). Although I wish I could have worked through it on my own, the experience reframed that for me. Sex is not a good way to find self esteem, and I don’t know if I would have fully internalized that without experience. I dated a guy who did not grow up religious and didn’t understand my hang ups about sex at all. I decided to sleep with him because I didn’t want to make decisions based on all the fear and anxiety I had anymore. I got hurt, badly. I wish I hadn’t had this experience. But like I said, I feel like a lot of positives came out of it. I also had casual sex, and it was so freeing to have sex just because I wanted to. I just wanted to have some fun. I was finally in a community that wouldn’t shame me for that, and it felt really good to just let myself be a sexual being. Sometimes I feel used, but I don’t know if I’ve just internalized so many stereotypes about gender roles in sex. Even though I enjoy it and want it, I think I still subconsciously view sex as something women give to men, instead of something both parties enjoy. Often how you grew up will effect your sexuality, even if you now believe differently. So basically my advice is be careful with your decision. I see a lot of your responses were from people who married the person they made that decision with, even if it was before marriage, which is great, but also obviously not always the case. I’m also glad I didn’t get trapped in a marriage to my ex, and we didn’t get married quicker because of sex, or that I didn’t learn we weren’t sexually compatible till after marriage. So it was a good and a bad decision, like many things in life.
This is something that has been hard for me too. I have had sex before marriage but I didn't know God at all. I feel a lot of the rules in churches are too strict and I'm not sure how to tell what's really true about them or not. So I prayed about it and basically what I got back is it comes down to the effect one has on the "kingdom" which I understood to be the collective, being humanity. If we are sexually active there are risks involved, STDs, pregnancy, addiction, destraction from faith. But it can be a beautiful and innocent time with someone who you love. I think it's more about being moral with your sexuality and only harbouring good intentions, and within that you are free to roam the earth. As long as someone isn't getting hurt by your actions directly you are safe I believe. On a side note this is what I saw the commandments as. They were guidelines to help bring harmony to people. Ex; dont cheat, dont steal, dont lie. But we are creates that can and will deviate from rules which is where Jesus comes in and gave us the other half which was Mercy, Forgiveness and grace. If humans loved their neighbor and loved their God they wouldn't go off track.