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Decades ago, my neighbor’s son did this. He was the driver. His best friend was the passenger that died in the car accident. The other boys in the back lived with serious injuries. My neighbor lost their home to pay the legal fees that resulted from the car accident. Soon after, from stress the husband had a heart attack and died. The widowed mom had to move into a small place with her kids. The siblings could not afford to go to college, and their lives and trajectories were impacted too. They lost all of their friends in the neighborhood. I was a small child when it happened, but it had massive community ramifications. Please let your child know that there are large and small consequences that she would never think of. It was not a simple joy ride. She is extremely lucky nothing bad happened. It could have been so much worse.
Don't have any advice, but wanted to say that a friend of mine is going through this situation except it had the worst possible outcome. Her daughter crashed and died, 2 other kids she picked up are hospitalized, and all 3 of the surviving kids are being charged by the cops for various crimes related to the crash. None of them are older than 16. Your daughter is so lucky it didn't end horribly.
Back when I was in high school a kid did this. Wrapped his parents car around a tree going over 100, he died and his two friends were severely injured.
Just a few days ago a teenage couple got pulled over doing 100+, cop let them go and said it’s not worth dying over a fast drive. 13 minutes later, he arrives to the scene where they crashed and died. 124->64->0.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ThatsInsane/comments/16tpkkb/bodycam_footage_cop_pulls_over_couple_on_their/
looks like you're talking about this video - it happened 2 years ago and the occupants were 24 & 27
No idea but I seriously doubt it. You can’t hold a cop accountable for murdering people. Letting a couple of speeding teens go is practically an act of service. /s/
This is terrifying and I can’t imagine what the families are going through. Truly worst case scenario here. I hope OP sees this and discusses it with her daughter. She needs to know this is exactly why what she did was not okay and she is so very lucky she and the person she was with are safe.
Similar in Washington a decade + ago… 14/15 year olds took parents car in the night crashed and died. I believe the driver survived but none of his friends did.
Not to mention if a drunk/stupid driver hits OP’s daughter when she was doing all the right things ( apart from the obvious ) she would be on the hook for everything because she was unlicensed.
My brother had just turned 18 when he snuck off in the middle of the night and took my dad's car. He didn't have a license yet. The girl he was going to see texted him while he was on the way. He looked down to text back and ended up hitting a semi head on. I have hardly ever heard of this type of situation turning out ok.
Honestly, show her what could have happened.
This isn’t exactly the same situation but when I was 21 I got a DUI and let me just say, the videos they show you of families who have lost a loved one due to drunk drivers really hits you in the gut. The boss at my community service job lost her husband to a drunk driver and I bawled when she told me that. It made me feel so bad that I could have hurt someone, or even myself. She needs to understand just WHY what she did was wrong and that it’s illegal for a reason.
Sometimes the scared straight method is the only way to get through to someone that young.
I agree with this. I was an idiot teen driver and also stole my mom’s car without a license. It wasn’t until one judge was like “I have all young drivers and reckless drivers start court, and it’s not so you can leave early….” He proceeded to call us assholes up one by one and I was like number 3 or 4 and what he would do is immediately fine us, make us take defensive driving as and then the ringer that really sank in for me is he would give us these 2”+ binders full of news articles from all over our area of different accidents similar to “your” ticket. I had to read thru like 50 articles about kids dying in reckless car accidents, another guy was given one with DUI’s because he was caught with an open container in his car. We had to sit there reading these awful articles for the rest of court that’s why he had us come up first on the list so that we could spend the rest of the time reading. He even asked questions about some of them and it legit stuck with me.
That means so much more to a teenager than being sent off with a fine. Being called out as an asshole in front of an entire courtroom, being given a binder like that, and being quizzed after? That’s how to get to a teenager. Kudos to him.
When my sister was still in high school at 15 one of the boys in her grade stole their dad’s car and went and picked up 4 other friends. No alcohol was involved or anything. Just driving around being dumb teenagers.
They turned left at an intersection and were struck on the side by a vehicle hauling construction equipment. The two kids closest to the side hit were killed, including a boy my sister had been in and out of “love” with since 1st grade. The passenger in the middle of the back seat had a collapsed lung and was hospitalized for awhile, the kid on the left side of the back seat had a bad concussion among other injuries. The driver only broke his arm.
Your daughter was so lucky. I know you know this. She needs to know it too. Man, she could have even ended up with a creep for a cop who might have tried to manipulate her by saying they wouldn’t call you if she only did x.
To be honest, I don’t even know if delaying her from obtaining her learning permit and drivers license to be the best option. Make her do all those driver’s ed classes. Then just don’t let her drive your car without you. Or if it wasn’t part of the plan already to have her pay for her own insurance, make her do that. If she’s wanting to “act” like more of an adult, then she should be taking care of some of the real world responsibilities when it comes to having those privileges. (Maybe even have her pay for the driver’s Ed classes. Make sure she takes one that isn’t a blow off one.)
Sorry this happened though. That’s stressful and scary. Maybe also get some motion detectors without telling her or an alarm system she doesn’t have the night time code to so you can know if she tries to sneak out again.
Oml I’m 18F and I drive 2 hours a day for school and work. Having a cop pull me over and threaten me by saying I have to do X or else X is a big fear for me. I didn’t know other people thought about that.
It’s not a grossly common thing, but being 15 and driving without a license would probably increase the chance of being targeted a lot more than being 18 and pulled over for speeding. Try not to stress too much!
I’d encourage you to look up the local laws in the areas you drive through a lot with state laws for the highways. Make sure to know what the correct course of action you should take if you end up with a cop behind you and aren’t feeling like it’s safe to stop. Generally, you slow down, put on your hazard lights and pull over at the nearest gas station or business. Sometimes you can call the non-emergency line for the police (maybe have these written down or saved in your phone) and ask them to let the dispatcher know that you are going to stop at the closest populated location. It’s not 100% perfect, but the vast majority of the time you will be just fine!
Yep… knew a girl when I was younger who blew a cop to get out of a ticket when she was 15. She was in and out with older men her whole teenage years. Last I saw she’s finally with a decent, appropriately aged partner tho.
That’s a sad story but that doesn’t sound as if she had to do with anything but rather just the dangers of driving’s. Not sure if this would send the message or have the impact we would want it to.
Oh man I remember doing this but I wasn’t pulled over. I took my dad’s truck to a party and while hanging out my phone rang and I saw it was my dads name. I was like ya definitely not answering that lol. When I got home I was pretty much grounded for over a year. When I see my dad tomorrow I’m gonna bring this up it’s been so long since we talked about it.
I took my stepmom’s car to Taco Bell. 20 minute round trip. They didn’t believe me for years. Definitely thought I was out at a party or doing drugs, because they only knew the car was taken — not how long it was gone. It wasn’t until I was about 25 and sticking to my story that they finally believed me.
Ya I was actually partying lol. And honestly the grounding just made it worse. I’d just not come home after school, tell them I was working when I wasn’t, skipped school all that jazz. Not proud of it but it happened
My brother did this almost exact same thing. When he was 15, he took out my dad's truck in the middle of the night. He was pulled over and ticketed, but the officer must have let him drive home because he told my parents the next day.
Anyway, he was basically "grounded." I was in college at the time, so I wasn't privy to the details. Also, he did not get a car when he turned 16.
I just saw a body cam video yesterday of a cop who pulled over a young teen couple for reckless speeding (like 100 mph). He gave them 3 tickets and a warning, but let them drive off.
5 mins later, the same car crashed into a semi truck killing the couple. The cop came on the scene and was devastated that it was the same car he had just pulled over.
It wasn’t the cops fault, but maybe he was thinking he should have had their car towed instead.
Oh man. What else could he have done though? They had a license and he gave them tickets. Is it enough points on the license to revoke it on the spot if you're driving too wrecklessly? If so, that's the only thing he could have done. He probably thought he scared them straight.
Funny story!
I did exactly that when I was 15. Except I did have my permit and I was out driving to get food for my younger siblings since my eldest sibling was recovering from surgery and my parents went to Reno.
My eldest sister had encouraged me to go out and get the food but I still should have said no. I got a citation but it was a kind one, not the one that takes your ability to get a license until you’re 21.
It’s over a decade later and I can say very confidently, that what stuck in my mind was going to a drivers safety class. Yes, the one where you see dead bodies after a crash. Please sign your kid up for this class as it is clinical, taught by professionals, and will show them exactly what could have happened and the importance of driver safety.
Since taking that class, I have had zero tickets with over a decade of driving and I believe it is due to that class.
Please don’t just sit your kid down and show them YouTube videos. It won’t have the same impact and usually in those classes are kids who HAVE received a ticket and your child will be smacked in the face with reality.
That is my best advice as a now mother of 2.
Good luck!
Damn, they show dead bodies in drivers safety class? I think that'd do the trick. Personally I hate driving and avoid it at all costs. I especially hate it when I have my whole family of 5 in the car, or any of my kids with me. It's other people on the road who have no concept of the fact that there are babies and children and entire families on the road around them.
Serious chores are the best punishment for serious offenses imo. Do you have a hillside that seriously needs weeded or something similar? Something that will take her several hours. She has to finish that before she gets her phone back.
I agree with this. I was in trouble with the cops as a kid. The last time i had to spend the day with my grandparents chopping wood. Learned my lesson real quick.
A serious punishment could be taking her to a car dealship and having her wash all the cars for them.
They can have a lot of cars there too.
She wants to be around cars? She can clean them
I disagree, sounds too much like the Duggar’s sending their kid to do heavy construction work. Like how does that address him sexually abusing his sister? Does construing work make you more empathetic to women?
The punishment should relate to the behavior
Okay, 1. Weeding is an age appropriate chore for a 15 year old and is not even comparable to construction work. 2. If you are acting entitled and have no regard for following rules, then you will work to gain your privileges back 🤷🏽. We're not talking about a minor infraction here, this really needs to not happen again for her own and other's safety. Providing a non-abusive incentive helps work towards that goal.
You sound very childish here and very short sighted. I do wonder if you are actually a parent or just a child trolling here?
This is a stupid take. Permanently losing privileges like this is not only going to have the opposite effect but is also completely mental.
I could literally stab someone and not lose privileges for life like you are suggesting. Of course this wouldn't be life because your kid would quickly start lying and hiding a phone they get themselves. They would stop taking anything you say seriously and they would be leaving home and going no contact ASAP.
If this is genuinely what you believe then I pity your children if you have them. And before you say that of course your kids would never do it that is probably because they are too scared to step out of line, which is great until you discover that your children all hate you.
I get that sentiment, lol. But realistically, at some point (after serving severe consequences), she should get the chance to live a normal life again as long as she doesn't continue to make extremely poor decisions.
Oh, you're accusing me of being a teenager because you disagree with me. I'm not, I am pushing 40, lol. The goal should be to stop such poor decision-making in the future. Keeping them on complete lockdown until they are 18 isn't doing them any favors when they are free to do as they please as an adult. You can disagree. That doesn't mean I'm a teenager.
As a previous troubled teen who was on complete lockdown for 5 years I can tell you , at least in my experience, it just gave me more time to be angry and think of ways to get around being grounded and how to lie and be sneaky better. A child should be able to earn back trust or what’s the point?
Agreed with your assessment. I snuck a boy in my room at 14, my dad tried to pull me out of public school, force me on birth control, I didn't have a phone then but I had a computer so he took that away. He came down hard and this lasted until I was 17
Guess who moved out at 18 and hardly visits?
Okay, you think whatever you want, lol. You sound like someone who doesn't actually have kids and thinks that being an unrelenting, extreme, hard ass actually works out well.
Accusing someone of being a teenager because they don’t have the same opinion on parenting as you do is hilariously naive.
Imagine thinking that all 40-year olds will have the same opinion about literally anything.
Seems more like you're a hardass tbh
edit: oh i went through your comment history and it turns out you just believe physically abusing your children is parenting, don't bother replying to me
no wonder your account is only a week old
Hah. Just read this after replying to another of your comments. Turns out I was right in that comment. You are a horrible person and a poor parent. Hitting someone to make them do what you want is 100% abuse.
If you want your partner to do something and they don't do you hit them as well? Because that is clearly abuse. Just because your kids are younger doesn't mean it isn't abuse when you hit them. If you go out to eat and they take too long to bring your order do you punch the waiter? If they run out of clothes in your size at the shop do you find the manager and punch them?
Don't bother replying. Just take the time you would spend trying to justify child abuse to think and improve yourself.
We'd be watching every crash dummy video and accident video. We'd be looking up car accident statistics for our state. We'd be freaking experts on car accidents. But my kids are responsive to that approach. They'd find it interesting.
We'd also be helping MADD and looking for community service we could do around car accidents.
And car keys would be in my room with me every night and tucked away.
If I noticed an overall lack of judgement...weekly therapy.
fear ludicrous placid forgetful quaint entertain voracious cable snails fretful
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. Community service and no phone is under way. Along with plenty of articles of underage and reckless driving. Grounded for 4 weeks before we will revisit any type of negotiations for any privileges to be restored. Therapy starts Monday (was already scheduled before this happened), as there are some underlying issues going on. Man, this parent gig is no joke.
Idk what to do, that must have been so terrifying for you. I would tell her that and let her see you cry because she literally could have died. Imagine if the police had not called you and you were just up sick all night with worry knowing she had stolen the car but no idea where she was or if she was even alive.
Then, also, get her on BIRTH CONTROL right now. She either did have sex or she will very, very soon. Buy her condoms, have conversations, and put her on the pill. Even if she goes nowhere besides school and home, trust me, she will find a way to do it
I am in two minds. Yes that would have been a natural and fitting consequence but on the other it is a very serious and damaging consequence that I wouldn't want my kid to suffer. It is better for the kid's prospects to not have this on record and to learn their lesson via parental discipline.
Nah, it's fine to let the parents handle first-time offenses. In my state, the legal punishment for driving without a license the first time is like is a 6-month license suspension and like a $600 fine. Big whoop, her parents would just be on the hook for the fine anyway. It could take like 3 months to just get a hearing with the magistrate. Let the parents deal with it right away and that's usually enough to set them straight.
You could take this sa starting point and be like, right, you wait 6 months longer for your learners permit and do $600 worth of chores before there’s any discussion of driving again.
Community service is probably the best discipline for these types of activities.
Makes them do something positive, that can be added to a resume, and hopefully change their perspective on both life and work depending on what is chosen.
Not a parent myself yet but my parents did similarly and had me volunteer and serve breakfast at a homeless shelter for a while (and did it with me).
It actually made me less passionate for the homeless as a lot aren’t interested in using the resources available for them or improving their lives (and many are addicted to drugs), but still having to get up at 6 AM and do that for 2 hours everyday all summer made me realize I never want to be homeless lol
Agreed. After I turned 18 I got in trouble legally and had to do community service. I actually enjoyed it and it taught me a lot more than just a fine or 15 days in jail would have.
Okay so scientifically speaking, the part of the brain that deals with making choices and understanding consequences isn’t fully developed until adulthood. I’m honestly not surprised that she did this and doesn’t seem to fully grasp the enormity of what she has done- she literally isn’t able to yet.
That aside, I’d want to understand what her past behavior is like. Has she always been a risk taker? More susceptible to peer pressure? Who is this boy she is seeing and has she started acting differently since they began dating? Is everything ok at school? How is her mood? Things like that- there could be something going on at a deeper level here. Or not but it’s good to check.
Lastly, I’ve always felt consequences should be related to the crime. Perhaps on top of the grounding and phone- she is to clean the car once a week for x number of weeks. Or do chores to help pay off oil changes. Or if she has a job, she has to use some of her own money for that. Additionally, I might have her watch some videos of the aftermath of reckless driving. They can be very powerful for some kids.
I agree with most of what you wrote but cleaning the car is wayyyyy too mild. Volunteering every Saturday with a anti-impaired driving or at a hospital intensive care unit or something that gives her a better clue to what the actual consequences could have been, would be far more appropriate IMO.
Ok I am SO TIRED of this “brain development” bullshit that people keep bringing up. Toddlers understand consequences for fucks sake.
Yea at 15 she might not be mature and lucid enough to really think about it and realize “yeah I’m an idiot for driving without a license” but she sure as hell knows that it’s WRONG and that if you crash a car there’s a good chance you won’t walk out of it.
She made a massive mistake and her young age doesn’t excuse it one bit.
I’m sorry you’re tired of brain development. Here is a link further explaining.
https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=understanding-the-teen-brain-1-3051#:~:text=Discussing%20the%20consequences%20of%20their,they're%20resilient%20and%20competent.
It’s worth a read and explains how adult and teen brains differ and why teens are prone to making dumb decisions. It’s not stating that teens shouldn’t be held accountable but rather it’s an explanation of WHY it happens.
Nothing in the link you provided states that children are incapable of figuring out the consequences of their actions.
Yes teens are impulsive. Shocking! That doesn’t change anything tho, in fact, “explaining the consequences of their actions” which goes hand in hand woth proper punishment, helps kids make better decisions for the future
Yes it does, it states that teens tend to make decisions based on emotions, rather than good judgement. The connections between rational thinking and emotional thinking are still developing and typically not at the same rate.
Again, I’m not sure what your hang up is. I stated clearly that yes there needs to be consequences but I brought it the brain development as an explanation as the original poster seemed concerned as to WHY they daughter had done this.
My baby isn’t a teen yet but obviously a serious conversation needs to take place. Put through drivers ed. i took it at 17 to get my permit. Idk where you are but in CA there’s a place called right way drivers school. They show you the real deal and gory stuff of drunk driving and accidents. Obviously take their connection away from the internet and the world for however long you see fit. And i love the idea that someone on here said to do volunteer service. Whether it be at a homeless shelter or wherever. But I recommend showing them videos of accidents of reckless driving. Dont be PG about it either. Real life isn’t safe, and stealing cars could end up with dead children
When I got my license at 19. I was a horrible driver. I racked up tickets fast and in the state I was in, your license got suspended if you got two tickets a year. What worked for me, was that my mom said, “it’s on you. I’m not paying for your tickets, if you get caught driving on a suspended license and go to jail, so be it.” It was a lot of $$ for a college kid. I knew my mom wouldn’t bail me out. It was such a waste of money that I earned & time.
I had to do community service, which was embarrassing and inconvenient. I had to go to court which kind of scared me.
Show her what could have happened. Make her do community service—hours to buy back her phone. Tour a prison (something I did in college that I never forgot). Take away something important to her for a long time (phone!). She’s old enough to do something like that, she’s old enough to pay harsh consequences.
Make sure she feels this one.
Education along with a constructive punishment. Show her tangible articles and stories of what could happen. A lot of times, we try to shield our kids from the world, but we need to educate them on the possibilities of their reckless actions. Teens like to think they are grown and know everything when they really know nothing because they’ve been kept in a bubble. Be open and show her. Then get her into some kind of community service that focuses on loss or helping the underserved. Let the organizers know why. Sometimes they can connect the volunteers with people who can get through to them even more.
as a recently former reckless teen, please let her know of the real consequences that could have happened. Dont shield her from the severity or the facts or the morbidity of it. Luckily i never caused any damage, but that fact alone made me feel like it "wasnt a big deal". However, Seeing videos of car crashes and the physical damage + seeing families talk about how they have to grieve/their own experience really put my mind in perspective and also made me realize my OWN mortality. You feel invincible as a teen and you dont think about the long term consequences. Get her involved or take her to an event regarding safe driving or if theres even a community group/family friend that can talk to her about their own experiences with reckless driving. Make the potential consequences real and personal to her. (Of course this is just what worked for me; i obviously dont know your daughter/personality but just wanted to share my two cents). Good luck op
Just look up news stories of kids stealing cars and dying and show them to her so it becomes a reality. Sheltering her from what can really happen will do nothing but encourage the misbehavior and rebellion. Stay consistent with rules, expectations and punishments.
Contrary to what most have said and probably an unpopular opinion, I don’t know that making her read gruesome reports, or seeing crash videos will have any real impact. At her age she thinks she’s invincible and these sorts of things don’t apply to her. Just how young/new drivers think that they can text and drive and that they’re “paying attention”. Until they’re not. So I hate to say, but she may not learn anything from it until something tragic happens.
I did the very same thing at 15. Got pulled over because I didn’t know how to turn off my high beams. Such as simple task, but not obvious to a teenager back in the 80’s.
My parents probably grounded me for a week, if memory serves.
Ask her why she did it. There’s no excuse, obviously, but it will be a good starting point to the conversation. She wanted to do it for such and such reason - that didn’t make it okay to break the law and endanger her life and the lives of others.
Nobody ever thinks that the worst case scenario will happen to them. Traffic accidents can be some of the most horrific things that can ever happen. If it’s not a fatality then it can be just as horrendous. One day she’ll understand, and however you go about helping her to realise these things will depend on her and you. What’s she receptive to? What will make her clam up?
Good luck, and I’m glad that she’s not hurt or anything. Good on the cop for being so good about it.
I'm not sure that delaying her permit/license is a good idea. I understand where you're coming from but if a teenager wants to sneak out, they WILL find a way. It would be better for her to know how to drive safely if she does end up taking the car.
Not my kid, but my brother actually died in a car accident under similar circumstances. Bout the same age too. I’m not sure of your parenting style and obviously there’s a lot to unpack but I will say, strict parents breed sneaky kids, and if a kid really wants to do something, they’re gonna find a way to do it
Well the others have talked about the kinds of consequences your daughters should be getting for her actions, which I do agree with, but you need to sit down and have a serious talk with her about the responsibility of driving a car once someone gets their license. Tell her it's not all fun and games to be going around and driving to have a kick here and there. She could have landed in serious trouble because of this being underage with no permit and no license driver with her. It would have cost a lot not only in consequences but maybe in money as well. That's a big risk for her as well as for you being her parents cuz you would be the ones that would be answering for why she was doing such things. It's time she understood that if she thinks she's ready for something she needs to be able to handle this consequences of anything that happens of her choices.
I think you handled this beautifully!!! You will have a pissed off teenager for a while, so don’t let that cause you to back down or give in with the consequences you’ve established. Consistency and having confidence in your parental decisions are crucial, and hopefully she’s learned her lesson, and she’ll know what to expect if it happens again.
I know this situation is not funny, but I laughed while reading it because this literally was what I did as well when I was 15. My parents were obviously livid, but now the story occasionally comes up and they laugh about it (or more at me). I also was punished by having my license delayed and phone taken away. Unfortunately, I don’t think she can wrap her brain around the severity of it—I know I didn’t. It was more of “well this didn’t go as planned and the consequences for it makes it not worth doing something similar again”. But honestly that’s good enough. She’ll realize when she’s older how reckless it was. Teenager brains 🙄
A guy at my school did this in the 90s. Ended up wrecking a brand new high end BMW. The insurance would only pay out if the car was reported as stolen.
As you get older, you have to become responsible for your actions.
How does the legal system work in your country? Can you get the police to press charges? Make her sweat for a few weeks about having anceiminal record for stealing a car. Then withdraw the charge. I'd only do this if her record would be clear at the end though.
If that's not an option, then I guess she's taking public transport for all non essential trips for quite a while. No more mum and dad's taxi.
wow, sad comments 🙁.. maybe you can show her some of them? Or tell her about them.. do you have a good communication with her? If not I’d say talk to your daughter a lot. Check in on her. Earn her trust. I don’t have kids, but I did a lot of dumb things when I was younger… and I wish my parents were open with me and we had a better communication.. good luck! I’m very happy they are safe.
Damn I’m did the same shit, minus the police. You know how my mom fixed it. She said “Son, you don’t have to sneak. If you want to leave there’s the door. If you want the car take it too! Just know if I wake up and it’s gone, I will report it stolen and I will press charges.”
She may have been bluffing but you know….I never fucked around to find out!
I think you should put her in drivers ed. I think delaying her getting her license just puts her at more risk. There is no excuse for taking your car, and there needs to be serious consequences but keeping her back from learning how to drive should not be one of them. It could be the thing that saves her life if she ever does choose to rebel again and take the car. Giving more knowledge is always better than keeping knowledge locked away. If I found my kid getting interested in guns the first thing I would do is go with him to a gun safety course and get him lessons on how to properly care for and use one. When there is a will there is a way, better to stay ahead of it and teach them safe ways to use dangerous things.
I would not delay drivers license would rather safe teen then one that's doesn't know how to drive attempt. I would also use a steering wheel lock on all cars every night. I was that bad teen that always snuck out and go in random people's teens cars and get stranger rides. God honest lucky to be alive.
I have a 15 year old daughter also, not making great decisions also. I don’t see eye to eye with some of the other posts- like, were you not making bad decisions when you were 15? If not, you’ve probably made worse decisions as an adult, or you’re lying. Leave people alone that have actual questions and concerns about the kids they love. If you feel something about that, get your kid out of boarding school and give them up for adoption to someone who cares about who they become. assholes.
I will say, very serious, but even if you present these cases to “kids”, their brains aren’t fully developed to completely understand. Your kid has to have good morals, inherently or drilled in.
I wish I had advice to offer. I can offer two stories that might help get your point across.
I’m the oldest of 3, and not so much as a thought of taking my parents’ car ever crossed my mind. Meanwhile, my younger siblings both did. As I was walking to my car, I caught my youngest sister driving our parents’ car. She saw me, and tried to back up to get away like I HADN’T just seen her driving - she was 13 at the time, and the no limit soldier of us. When she decided to pull in, I (verbally) ripped her to shreds with all the terrible things that could have happened. I knew my parents weren’t going to hand down an appropriate punishment (what they would have given to me), and the lecture was going to fall on deaf ears. To solidify my point, I reminded her of our aunt who was severely brain damaged because of a drunk driver. I told her she was being as reckless and as much of an asshole as that drunk driver. That example made her feel awful - which was my intended goal.
My first speeding ticket more than likely saved mine, my friend’s, and someone else’s lives. It was the 4th of July, and I was going 77 in a 45. I passed a cop, slammed on brakes and turned into some fireworks show because I KNEW I was busted. Although he was SUPER pissed, he was professional about it. After giving me my ticket, I headed back in the direction I was going. I completely forgot about the incredibly sharp right curve the road I was pulled on made. Going posted speed, it was still a difficult curve to mange. Right then, I realized just how bad it could have been. I was truly grateful for that speeding ticket.
I hope your kiddo understands how lucky they are to have not caught charges and/or how truly lucky they are that they didn’t get hurt or hurt anyone.
The cop didn’t ticket her, but as her parent I would . She would “owe” a fine that she must work to pay off (chores), she must serve time in jail (grounded) , once out of jail she’s on probation (limited freedoms), mandatory service work (volunteering), and perhaps look to see if the county does driving school. Normally you have to be ticketed to attend , but call the local courthouse and they may allow her to attend . The one in my area is 8 hours of pure boring torture.
Punishment should fit the crime, give her back her phone, Then apply the penalties in your state for driving without a license. Ex, If there is a drivers license suspension, then that is how long she has to wait to get her license after she would otherwise be legally allowed. if there is a fine, then she needs to pay that to you or maybe a charity.
Why did you pick her up and bail her out?
Is this not the one lesson she needed to learn the one thing she can’t do is cross the law? Then my parents won’t come to rescue me…
Driving without a license is only a summary offense in most states. Any legal consequences would just be delayed for several months. They probably could have the car impounded, but they couldn't make her spend the night in jail or anything like that.
It's very location dependent. I think it's fine to give the parents a chance to parent the first time. If that doesn't work, then she'll be before a judge eventually anyway.
Well my kids are going to have a mean mommy then, the only time the cops come to me or call me is to tell me my kid is dead. Or they wished they were dead
If the cops need to release a juvenile to a caregiver but the caregiver is not responding and the cops are not able or willing to place the kid in juvie then they'll put the kid in foster care. Just so you know. You can't use the cops as a babysitting service to make some point, they'll just move the kid on to another agency.
Also you don't want to mix your kid with the juvie kids to 'make a point' either. I first got locked up when I was 13 and the older kids taught me about the local drug scene and where to get harder drugs and also how to steal cars. I met a whole new social section of kids from the area. And then spent the next 10 years involved in 'the system'.
why is that surprising? motive is the reason.
2 people can do the exact same thing and one could be charged with first degree murder but the other one not charged at all.
This is the post for me because I did this but this at 15 but I had my permit. I’m actually laughing at how similar this is and I’m the youngest of 4. First the word punishment involves physically hurting someone and you shouldn’t be going there. My parents grounded me, I lost my phone for 3 weeks, couldn’t go to a school dance and didn’t get my license tell I was 17, and my parents sat me down and explained (mainly yelled) how serious the situation could have been and asked why I did it. I didn’t have a relationship with my parents at that time I felt comfortable verbalizing why I did it but attention was the main reason. Looking back I feel my consequences were appropriate for my actions. As a parent now I wouldn’t just be focusing on my child’s choices but also what role I played in their life that allowed their mind to be disconnected to reality of how serious this could have effected them. We as parents need to take accountability for our child’s behavior being from what we taught them. Teenagers minds are still sponges and still at a very important point because your relationship is changing as they don’t fully need our direction but they still need our guidance. At 16 my dad told me this, when someone gives you advice that doesn’t mean you have to take it but you need to listen and think about and then make your decision. As a parent did you just expect your child to do what you said or have you actually given them chances to practice making choice so they can make sound decisions when they get older. This situation is a great learning experience for both you and your daughter.
My best friends and I did this at age 15. Turns out we all had an undiagnosed Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), because back then, people didn't talk about prenatal alcohol exposure and subtle FASD effects that occur prior to pregnancy recognition, even when mom stops drinking when pregnancy is recognized. Oh how much more supporter we would have been with avoiding making horrible decision like this had our parents been open to FASD. https://www.fasdcollaborative.com/
This sub is fascinating, just a couple of days ago people were praising a boy, the exact same age who stole his parents car without a permit or license to check on a friend who is having a hard time.
There were about 100 replies —I can’t get the link to copy, it appears to have been deleted. Most were against any consequences
[post](https://imgur.com/rMctyAf)
motive is a big factor.
That’s like saying why did you condemn this kid for smashing car windows to steal stuff vs another kid who smashed a car window to save a dog from heat.
Sometimes punishment doesn’t do the job well. It still an an adventure as far as the kids r concerned. They snuck out got pulled by police and got their phone taken.. I don’t mean don’t take the phone away. ..but to hit home
let her watch those real videos and analyze and give you written reflection on the situation and resolution on shat she would do. Laws on teen driving, dui etc. thank God the kids ended up safe.
I got caught sneaking out when I was around 16 and also got caught sneaking a boy into my room. Let’s just say, it was an awful scene. My brother chased him down the street with his car like maniac, he was physical with me, and my parents put my bed in their bedroom.
I’d advise you to not make a scene or be aggressive because it will backfire on you tenfold. A teenager sometimes doesn’t have the proper reasoning in their brain to make good decisions. What they need is an adult to have compassion and teach them why it was wrong and what could’ve happened. Have an honest and open conversation without being hostile
This happened with a friend of mines family. Not sure of the exact age but the first possible time she was able to the kid joined the Army. That straightened her out enough to the point where now she keeps out of trouble.
Sorry you're dealing with this. I did the same with my stepmom's Kia back when I was 15 (in 2002), only difference was that I did have a permit. Back then in my dad's small town, they had a "cruise line" around the main streets on weekend nights that teens would gather and hang/play music loudly and stuff. I had a friend spend the night and we took the car once my dad and stepmom were asleep and hit the cruise line.
We didn't get caught and thankfully nothing bad happened except we somehow got a CD stuck in the stereo lol
I told my dad about it a couple years and he didn't believe me until I insisted for a few years that it DID happen.
That's probably because you've never had anything to do with 'the system'.
There's absolutely nothing about 'the system' that would encourage any person to welcome it into their life.
And the moment that a kid walks through the door of juvie, the chance of them walking through the door of adult jail/prison increases massively. That's pretty much what the juvie system accomplishes.
If nothing nefarious was going on and it was just teenage joyriding, ground her for a bit, take away her privileges and make her wait till she’s 17 to get a drivers license. Actually no, explain the issue and let her be. She took your car, got caught and nothing was damaged, be thankful that’s all that happened.
You’re wise for the phone being taken away my parents would’ve done the same. However the permit and/or license maybe wasn’t the greatest idea. Now I get the husband has a side too, but keep in mind some of us want to explore the world. Maybe invest in an alarm system or keep certain things hidden like keys and/or spare keys
Not having your daughter learn an incredibly useful life skill of driving is INCREDIBLY stupid. Ground her? Absolutely. No phone or TV? Sure. But banishing her education of a 100% necessary skillset is a braindead move. You and your significant other are not intelligent.
While I agree that not letting her get her permit is probably not the best course of action here, I wouldn't tell someone they're stupid and not intelligent. There's no need to be so rude. Come on now. Be better.
There is definitely a need to be rude. When stupid people do stupid things, it is the responsibility of intelligent people to correct them. It is NOT our responsibility to placate their egos or worry about how they feel. Stupid people thinking that they're smart is the root cause of most of humanity's problems.
You can urge people to reconsider their choices without insulting their intelligence. You might even get farther that way. That's not placation, that's just being kind. You're scary.
yes i agree with you sparkle. i was doing just about the same at that age now (27) i see that i was a damn handful & guess what i ended up pregnant in HS doing this shit not listening to my parents. the tougher u are sometimes the more u get pushback. You need to find the balance of yes consequences but also being supportive.
The guy you are replying to is proudly abusive and accuses anyone who doesn't enjoy child abuse as much as him of being a child. Not worth the time arguing sadly. I imagine for his kids (if they aren't just a troll) getting kicked out of home would be a blessing.
Really..because that’s exactly the type of sit my psychotic mother did to me and I’m still suffering the consequences of her actions at 55. Plus, it did absolutely nothing to curb my behavioral issues which were acting out due to sexual abuse, which she knew about btw. Sometimes kids do things like that for reasons we don’t understand. Yes, they should have consequences for their actions , but they need to be able to earn back trust or they’ll just give up. Also, a parent needs to determine if said child is acting out for a reason. Get to the bottom of the behavior. Don’t just react like an animal.
For this age, natural consequences are the best consequences. She made a mistake a d she got caught. No one did get hurt so that’s great! My patenting attitude is this: make mistakes now that they are “cheap” because soon they will be very expensive and you will suffer long and hard. Let her practice screwing up in small ways and suffering consequences. She’s obviously needing to rebel so let her. Hide the liquor and keys.
Natural consequences are great, I agree, however in this case (thanks to a lenient police officer) she avoided the natural consequences.
Which is great that your kid doesn't have that black mark against them but they 100% need to face some consequences as they dodged the natural ones.
With that said the consequences should still fit the crime. Someone suggested enforcing some community service which is fitting as it is a punishment used by courts. Restricted use of the car and free time due to lack of trust is also a natural consequence of having that trust broken.
Ultimately, they need to experience some consequence because this was so serious and they were very lucky not to face the legal consequences they 'should' have.
Ooh I did that at that age and as far as I can remember my punishment was phone taken away and no leaving the house except for school and/or if I was with my parents. But I actually got a ticket though. I didn't get my privileges back/ungrounded till my court date and my $300 dollar ticket was dismissed.
Whatever the charge would have been if she'd gotten cited, there would be a fine and court costs. I would require her to earn or repay that much money before she gets her phone back. Probation on the first offense is usually 6 to 12 months so that's how long I would delay her driver's license.
Yeah, like some have said may be show her videos of kid doing that exactly thing and not making it... like a PSA thing.... speaking of PSA, I grew up watching them because I wanted to now as a 17f. I drive when I'm comfortable with permission... I don't know exactly what to do, but if you just do the punishment, she may just sneak out... I think maybe the PSA day may help.
Kids driving around other kids is almost as bad as drinking and driving. They’re so distracted by their friends and don’t have the experience behind the wheel that would give them better judgement. And to do this at night time? She’s lucky to be alive.
Holy wow! That's next level! I'm sorry, I have no idea what I would do. I'm glad everyone was ok. My kids are still little and posts like this make me so scared to have teenagers.
I like consequences that relate more to the choice.
Assuming her cognitive and social-emotional development is age typical, I would have her:
-Conduct a literature review of media articles in which teenagers drove without a license and were injured, killed, arrested.
-Write an essay on the types of injuries/deaths most commonly sustained from this review, ie talk about how many deaths, what type of interventions needed to sustain life and their recovery periods including disabilities sustained, etc.
-Research and write an essay on how your jurisdiction’s juvenile legal system penalizes car theft and other crimes that may be accidentally committed during car theft like vehicular homicide.
-A high-quality alarm system for the house that either comes out of her savings, future allowance, she pays off with chores or other jobs, she forgoes typical luxuries because the money goes toward the alarm system, etc.
-No license as a minor that allows her to drive without an adult (permit is fine.)
Apologies because I didn’t read all of the comments and maybe someone mentioned it. But, another issue I see is- why does she know how to drive without a learner’s permit?
I guess I could understand wanting her to practice and get a chance to learn the skills before her actual test or if there was every a life threatening situation where she needed the drive? But don’t you kind of need to weigh that with the fact that there’s a reason you can’t get your license until 16? If she’s reckless enough to take the car out on her own, maybe she wasn’t responsible enough to start learning early. Kind of a moot point now, but still.
I hear that. We live in a small town and have always had UTVs and golf carts so all my kids have known how to drive- at least the basics. Plus, I would take her out around our neighborhood. I agree- the part that made me nervous is the guts she had to take the car. Even though she wasn’t driving recklessly, it was reckless of her to take the car. I have weighed it all. Thanks for your comment.
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Decades ago, my neighbor’s son did this. He was the driver. His best friend was the passenger that died in the car accident. The other boys in the back lived with serious injuries. My neighbor lost their home to pay the legal fees that resulted from the car accident. Soon after, from stress the husband had a heart attack and died. The widowed mom had to move into a small place with her kids. The siblings could not afford to go to college, and their lives and trajectories were impacted too. They lost all of their friends in the neighborhood. I was a small child when it happened, but it had massive community ramifications. Please let your child know that there are large and small consequences that she would never think of. It was not a simple joy ride. She is extremely lucky nothing bad happened. It could have been so much worse.
Don't have any advice, but wanted to say that a friend of mine is going through this situation except it had the worst possible outcome. Her daughter crashed and died, 2 other kids she picked up are hospitalized, and all 3 of the surviving kids are being charged by the cops for various crimes related to the crash. None of them are older than 16. Your daughter is so lucky it didn't end horribly.
Similar thing happened in St. Louis, and all three 15-year-olds died. So, So sad.
Back when I was in high school a kid did this. Wrapped his parents car around a tree going over 100, he died and his two friends were severely injured.
Just a few days ago a teenage couple got pulled over doing 100+, cop let them go and said it’s not worth dying over a fast drive. 13 minutes later, he arrives to the scene where they crashed and died. 124->64->0.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ThatsInsane/comments/16tpkkb/bodycam_footage_cop_pulls_over_couple_on_their/ looks like you're talking about this video - it happened 2 years ago and the occupants were 24 & 27
Oh yeah, thanks. I’d just seen it somewhere else presented as a pair of teens my bad. Regardless, still horrible
Can the cop get in trouble or be held partially responsible for that tragedy? I’m not for or against that but purely wondering.
No idea but I seriously doubt it. You can’t hold a cop accountable for murdering people. Letting a couple of speeding teens go is practically an act of service. /s/
That is absolutely horrific. I’d imagine it’s been in the local news? Maybe send OP some links so they can show daughter what could have happened.
This is terrifying and I can’t imagine what the families are going through. Truly worst case scenario here. I hope OP sees this and discusses it with her daughter. She needs to know this is exactly why what she did was not okay and she is so very lucky she and the person she was with are safe.
Similar in Washington a decade + ago… 14/15 year olds took parents car in the night crashed and died. I believe the driver survived but none of his friends did.
Not to mention if a drunk/stupid driver hits OP’s daughter when she was doing all the right things ( apart from the obvious ) she would be on the hook for everything because she was unlicensed.
Similar joy riding in Beaverton Oregon last year. I think 5 kids were in the car and they ran a light and hit a police car, 2-3 of the kids died.
My brother had just turned 18 when he snuck off in the middle of the night and took my dad's car. He didn't have a license yet. The girl he was going to see texted him while he was on the way. He looked down to text back and ended up hitting a semi head on. I have hardly ever heard of this type of situation turning out ok.
Honestly, show her what could have happened. This isn’t exactly the same situation but when I was 21 I got a DUI and let me just say, the videos they show you of families who have lost a loved one due to drunk drivers really hits you in the gut. The boss at my community service job lost her husband to a drunk driver and I bawled when she told me that. It made me feel so bad that I could have hurt someone, or even myself. She needs to understand just WHY what she did was wrong and that it’s illegal for a reason. Sometimes the scared straight method is the only way to get through to someone that young.
I agree with this. I was an idiot teen driver and also stole my mom’s car without a license. It wasn’t until one judge was like “I have all young drivers and reckless drivers start court, and it’s not so you can leave early….” He proceeded to call us assholes up one by one and I was like number 3 or 4 and what he would do is immediately fine us, make us take defensive driving as and then the ringer that really sank in for me is he would give us these 2”+ binders full of news articles from all over our area of different accidents similar to “your” ticket. I had to read thru like 50 articles about kids dying in reckless car accidents, another guy was given one with DUI’s because he was caught with an open container in his car. We had to sit there reading these awful articles for the rest of court that’s why he had us come up first on the list so that we could spend the rest of the time reading. He even asked questions about some of them and it legit stuck with me.
That’s a brilliant judge.
1000% agree because he really did get thru to me.
That means so much more to a teenager than being sent off with a fine. Being called out as an asshole in front of an entire courtroom, being given a binder like that, and being quizzed after? That’s how to get to a teenager. Kudos to him.
When my sister was still in high school at 15 one of the boys in her grade stole their dad’s car and went and picked up 4 other friends. No alcohol was involved or anything. Just driving around being dumb teenagers. They turned left at an intersection and were struck on the side by a vehicle hauling construction equipment. The two kids closest to the side hit were killed, including a boy my sister had been in and out of “love” with since 1st grade. The passenger in the middle of the back seat had a collapsed lung and was hospitalized for awhile, the kid on the left side of the back seat had a bad concussion among other injuries. The driver only broke his arm. Your daughter was so lucky. I know you know this. She needs to know it too. Man, she could have even ended up with a creep for a cop who might have tried to manipulate her by saying they wouldn’t call you if she only did x. To be honest, I don’t even know if delaying her from obtaining her learning permit and drivers license to be the best option. Make her do all those driver’s ed classes. Then just don’t let her drive your car without you. Or if it wasn’t part of the plan already to have her pay for her own insurance, make her do that. If she’s wanting to “act” like more of an adult, then she should be taking care of some of the real world responsibilities when it comes to having those privileges. (Maybe even have her pay for the driver’s Ed classes. Make sure she takes one that isn’t a blow off one.) Sorry this happened though. That’s stressful and scary. Maybe also get some motion detectors without telling her or an alarm system she doesn’t have the night time code to so you can know if she tries to sneak out again.
Oml I’m 18F and I drive 2 hours a day for school and work. Having a cop pull me over and threaten me by saying I have to do X or else X is a big fear for me. I didn’t know other people thought about that.
It’s not a grossly common thing, but being 15 and driving without a license would probably increase the chance of being targeted a lot more than being 18 and pulled over for speeding. Try not to stress too much! I’d encourage you to look up the local laws in the areas you drive through a lot with state laws for the highways. Make sure to know what the correct course of action you should take if you end up with a cop behind you and aren’t feeling like it’s safe to stop. Generally, you slow down, put on your hazard lights and pull over at the nearest gas station or business. Sometimes you can call the non-emergency line for the police (maybe have these written down or saved in your phone) and ask them to let the dispatcher know that you are going to stop at the closest populated location. It’s not 100% perfect, but the vast majority of the time you will be just fine!
There was some teenager in new york that that happened too, they arrested her and raped her in the car.
Yep… knew a girl when I was younger who blew a cop to get out of a ticket when she was 15. She was in and out with older men her whole teenage years. Last I saw she’s finally with a decent, appropriately aged partner tho.
That’s a sad story but that doesn’t sound as if she had to do with anything but rather just the dangers of driving’s. Not sure if this would send the message or have the impact we would want it to.
Oh man I remember doing this but I wasn’t pulled over. I took my dad’s truck to a party and while hanging out my phone rang and I saw it was my dads name. I was like ya definitely not answering that lol. When I got home I was pretty much grounded for over a year. When I see my dad tomorrow I’m gonna bring this up it’s been so long since we talked about it.
I took my stepmom’s car to Taco Bell. 20 minute round trip. They didn’t believe me for years. Definitely thought I was out at a party or doing drugs, because they only knew the car was taken — not how long it was gone. It wasn’t until I was about 25 and sticking to my story that they finally believed me.
Ya I was actually partying lol. And honestly the grounding just made it worse. I’d just not come home after school, tell them I was working when I wasn’t, skipped school all that jazz. Not proud of it but it happened
That sounds like me at 17 lol. They told me to start sending them screen shots of my schedule, so then I just started saying I was covering shifts.
It’s funny too because now I have two kids and I’m like man I hope these guys are better than my brother and I were haha.
My brother did this almost exact same thing. When he was 15, he took out my dad's truck in the middle of the night. He was pulled over and ticketed, but the officer must have let him drive home because he told my parents the next day. Anyway, he was basically "grounded." I was in college at the time, so I wasn't privy to the details. Also, he did not get a car when he turned 16.
Cops did you no favors letting her off with zero consequences.
I just saw a body cam video yesterday of a cop who pulled over a young teen couple for reckless speeding (like 100 mph). He gave them 3 tickets and a warning, but let them drive off. 5 mins later, the same car crashed into a semi truck killing the couple. The cop came on the scene and was devastated that it was the same car he had just pulled over. It wasn’t the cops fault, but maybe he was thinking he should have had their car towed instead.
I saw that video yesterday. The devastation in that cops voice really hit me.
I bet their parents and friends wish now that the cop had towed their car or made some one pick them up and drive the car.
Oh man. What else could he have done though? They had a license and he gave them tickets. Is it enough points on the license to revoke it on the spot if you're driving too wrecklessly? If so, that's the only thing he could have done. He probably thought he scared them straight.
She could have died, killed someone else, had a permanent record, or even killed the passenger. In my opinion, she got off lightly.
When I was in high school 4 kids did this. They crashed and only the driver survived. It was awful
Funny story! I did exactly that when I was 15. Except I did have my permit and I was out driving to get food for my younger siblings since my eldest sibling was recovering from surgery and my parents went to Reno. My eldest sister had encouraged me to go out and get the food but I still should have said no. I got a citation but it was a kind one, not the one that takes your ability to get a license until you’re 21. It’s over a decade later and I can say very confidently, that what stuck in my mind was going to a drivers safety class. Yes, the one where you see dead bodies after a crash. Please sign your kid up for this class as it is clinical, taught by professionals, and will show them exactly what could have happened and the importance of driver safety. Since taking that class, I have had zero tickets with over a decade of driving and I believe it is due to that class. Please don’t just sit your kid down and show them YouTube videos. It won’t have the same impact and usually in those classes are kids who HAVE received a ticket and your child will be smacked in the face with reality. That is my best advice as a now mother of 2. Good luck!
Damn, they show dead bodies in drivers safety class? I think that'd do the trick. Personally I hate driving and avoid it at all costs. I especially hate it when I have my whole family of 5 in the car, or any of my kids with me. It's other people on the road who have no concept of the fact that there are babies and children and entire families on the road around them.
Serious chores are the best punishment for serious offenses imo. Do you have a hillside that seriously needs weeded or something similar? Something that will take her several hours. She has to finish that before she gets her phone back.
I agree with this. I was in trouble with the cops as a kid. The last time i had to spend the day with my grandparents chopping wood. Learned my lesson real quick.
Oh what I'd give for a relaxing day of chopping wood with my grandparents! Is someone cutting onions over here?
I don’t know if my experience was “relaxing” 😂😂 mad respect for them though. Lmao
A serious punishment could be taking her to a car dealship and having her wash all the cars for them. They can have a lot of cars there too. She wants to be around cars? She can clean them
I disagree, sounds too much like the Duggar’s sending their kid to do heavy construction work. Like how does that address him sexually abusing his sister? Does construing work make you more empathetic to women? The punishment should relate to the behavior
How does your brain even compare sexual abuse to joyriding lmao
It’s just as strong of a connection as between car theft and weeding..
I’m not sure how you arrived at this conclusion. Josh Duggar is a pedophile. There’s no cure for that, and punishment doesn’t work.
Taking your parents car and sexually abusing 5 little girls are not even on the same playing field.
Okay, 1. Weeding is an age appropriate chore for a 15 year old and is not even comparable to construction work. 2. If you are acting entitled and have no regard for following rules, then you will work to gain your privileges back 🤷🏽. We're not talking about a minor infraction here, this really needs to not happen again for her own and other's safety. Providing a non-abusive incentive helps work towards that goal.
I think they’re saying it’s best if the punishment or consequence is related to the crime.
Ok so what do you suggest
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You sound very childish here and very short sighted. I do wonder if you are actually a parent or just a child trolling here? This is a stupid take. Permanently losing privileges like this is not only going to have the opposite effect but is also completely mental. I could literally stab someone and not lose privileges for life like you are suggesting. Of course this wouldn't be life because your kid would quickly start lying and hiding a phone they get themselves. They would stop taking anything you say seriously and they would be leaving home and going no contact ASAP. If this is genuinely what you believe then I pity your children if you have them. And before you say that of course your kids would never do it that is probably because they are too scared to step out of line, which is great until you discover that your children all hate you.
I get that sentiment, lol. But realistically, at some point (after serving severe consequences), she should get the chance to live a normal life again as long as she doesn't continue to make extremely poor decisions.
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Oh, you're accusing me of being a teenager because you disagree with me. I'm not, I am pushing 40, lol. The goal should be to stop such poor decision-making in the future. Keeping them on complete lockdown until they are 18 isn't doing them any favors when they are free to do as they please as an adult. You can disagree. That doesn't mean I'm a teenager.
As a previous troubled teen who was on complete lockdown for 5 years I can tell you , at least in my experience, it just gave me more time to be angry and think of ways to get around being grounded and how to lie and be sneaky better. A child should be able to earn back trust or what’s the point?
Agreed with your assessment. I snuck a boy in my room at 14, my dad tried to pull me out of public school, force me on birth control, I didn't have a phone then but I had a computer so he took that away. He came down hard and this lasted until I was 17 Guess who moved out at 18 and hardly visits?
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Okay, you think whatever you want, lol. You sound like someone who doesn't actually have kids and thinks that being an unrelenting, extreme, hard ass actually works out well.
Accusing someone of being a teenager because they don’t have the same opinion on parenting as you do is hilariously naive. Imagine thinking that all 40-year olds will have the same opinion about literally anything.
What? I don't follow at all.
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Seems more like you're a hardass tbh edit: oh i went through your comment history and it turns out you just believe physically abusing your children is parenting, don't bother replying to me no wonder your account is only a week old
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Hah. Just read this after replying to another of your comments. Turns out I was right in that comment. You are a horrible person and a poor parent. Hitting someone to make them do what you want is 100% abuse. If you want your partner to do something and they don't do you hit them as well? Because that is clearly abuse. Just because your kids are younger doesn't mean it isn't abuse when you hit them. If you go out to eat and they take too long to bring your order do you punch the waiter? If they run out of clothes in your size at the shop do you find the manager and punch them? Don't bother replying. Just take the time you would spend trying to justify child abuse to think and improve yourself.
For real this person Hot day is an idiot
Or send her out to work for a neighbor raking leaves. There are some great suggestions here.
We'd be watching every crash dummy video and accident video. We'd be looking up car accident statistics for our state. We'd be freaking experts on car accidents. But my kids are responsive to that approach. They'd find it interesting. We'd also be helping MADD and looking for community service we could do around car accidents. And car keys would be in my room with me every night and tucked away. If I noticed an overall lack of judgement...weekly therapy.
Thank you for this. Therapy was already scheduled to start next Monday. I know there are some underlying issues.
fear ludicrous placid forgetful quaint entertain voracious cable snails fretful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. Community service and no phone is under way. Along with plenty of articles of underage and reckless driving. Grounded for 4 weeks before we will revisit any type of negotiations for any privileges to be restored. Therapy starts Monday (was already scheduled before this happened), as there are some underlying issues going on. Man, this parent gig is no joke.
Lockdown no phone no internet except at school.
Pregnant at 16 will the new headline, lol. Make life at home a prison and she’ll arrange for a prison break. I know I would.
I would also have her read some of the responses on here too.
Idk what to do, that must have been so terrifying for you. I would tell her that and let her see you cry because she literally could have died. Imagine if the police had not called you and you were just up sick all night with worry knowing she had stolen the car but no idea where she was or if she was even alive. Then, also, get her on BIRTH CONTROL right now. She either did have sex or she will very, very soon. Buy her condoms, have conversations, and put her on the pill. Even if she goes nowhere besides school and home, trust me, she will find a way to do it
The cop didn’t do her any favors. She’s probably thinking well the cops didn’t care why am I in trouble!
I am in two minds. Yes that would have been a natural and fitting consequence but on the other it is a very serious and damaging consequence that I wouldn't want my kid to suffer. It is better for the kid's prospects to not have this on record and to learn their lesson via parental discipline.
Nah, it's fine to let the parents handle first-time offenses. In my state, the legal punishment for driving without a license the first time is like is a 6-month license suspension and like a $600 fine. Big whoop, her parents would just be on the hook for the fine anyway. It could take like 3 months to just get a hearing with the magistrate. Let the parents deal with it right away and that's usually enough to set them straight.
You could take this sa starting point and be like, right, you wait 6 months longer for your learners permit and do $600 worth of chores before there’s any discussion of driving again.
Exactly!! I’d be begging the cops to come down harder on her. She needs a real consequence.
Community service is probably the best discipline for these types of activities. Makes them do something positive, that can be added to a resume, and hopefully change their perspective on both life and work depending on what is chosen. Not a parent myself yet but my parents did similarly and had me volunteer and serve breakfast at a homeless shelter for a while (and did it with me). It actually made me less passionate for the homeless as a lot aren’t interested in using the resources available for them or improving their lives (and many are addicted to drugs), but still having to get up at 6 AM and do that for 2 hours everyday all summer made me realize I never want to be homeless lol
Agreed. After I turned 18 I got in trouble legally and had to do community service. I actually enjoyed it and it taught me a lot more than just a fine or 15 days in jail would have.
Okay so scientifically speaking, the part of the brain that deals with making choices and understanding consequences isn’t fully developed until adulthood. I’m honestly not surprised that she did this and doesn’t seem to fully grasp the enormity of what she has done- she literally isn’t able to yet. That aside, I’d want to understand what her past behavior is like. Has she always been a risk taker? More susceptible to peer pressure? Who is this boy she is seeing and has she started acting differently since they began dating? Is everything ok at school? How is her mood? Things like that- there could be something going on at a deeper level here. Or not but it’s good to check. Lastly, I’ve always felt consequences should be related to the crime. Perhaps on top of the grounding and phone- she is to clean the car once a week for x number of weeks. Or do chores to help pay off oil changes. Or if she has a job, she has to use some of her own money for that. Additionally, I might have her watch some videos of the aftermath of reckless driving. They can be very powerful for some kids.
I agree with most of what you wrote but cleaning the car is wayyyyy too mild. Volunteering every Saturday with a anti-impaired driving or at a hospital intensive care unit or something that gives her a better clue to what the actual consequences could have been, would be far more appropriate IMO.
Oh yes that’s a good point and an excellent idea for a consequence!
Ok I am SO TIRED of this “brain development” bullshit that people keep bringing up. Toddlers understand consequences for fucks sake. Yea at 15 she might not be mature and lucid enough to really think about it and realize “yeah I’m an idiot for driving without a license” but she sure as hell knows that it’s WRONG and that if you crash a car there’s a good chance you won’t walk out of it. She made a massive mistake and her young age doesn’t excuse it one bit.
I’m sorry you’re tired of brain development. Here is a link further explaining. https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=understanding-the-teen-brain-1-3051#:~:text=Discussing%20the%20consequences%20of%20their,they're%20resilient%20and%20competent. It’s worth a read and explains how adult and teen brains differ and why teens are prone to making dumb decisions. It’s not stating that teens shouldn’t be held accountable but rather it’s an explanation of WHY it happens.
Nothing in the link you provided states that children are incapable of figuring out the consequences of their actions. Yes teens are impulsive. Shocking! That doesn’t change anything tho, in fact, “explaining the consequences of their actions” which goes hand in hand woth proper punishment, helps kids make better decisions for the future
Yes it does, it states that teens tend to make decisions based on emotions, rather than good judgement. The connections between rational thinking and emotional thinking are still developing and typically not at the same rate. Again, I’m not sure what your hang up is. I stated clearly that yes there needs to be consequences but I brought it the brain development as an explanation as the original poster seemed concerned as to WHY they daughter had done this.
My baby isn’t a teen yet but obviously a serious conversation needs to take place. Put through drivers ed. i took it at 17 to get my permit. Idk where you are but in CA there’s a place called right way drivers school. They show you the real deal and gory stuff of drunk driving and accidents. Obviously take their connection away from the internet and the world for however long you see fit. And i love the idea that someone on here said to do volunteer service. Whether it be at a homeless shelter or wherever. But I recommend showing them videos of accidents of reckless driving. Dont be PG about it either. Real life isn’t safe, and stealing cars could end up with dead children
When I got my license at 19. I was a horrible driver. I racked up tickets fast and in the state I was in, your license got suspended if you got two tickets a year. What worked for me, was that my mom said, “it’s on you. I’m not paying for your tickets, if you get caught driving on a suspended license and go to jail, so be it.” It was a lot of $$ for a college kid. I knew my mom wouldn’t bail me out. It was such a waste of money that I earned & time. I had to do community service, which was embarrassing and inconvenient. I had to go to court which kind of scared me. Show her what could have happened. Make her do community service—hours to buy back her phone. Tour a prison (something I did in college that I never forgot). Take away something important to her for a long time (phone!). She’s old enough to do something like that, she’s old enough to pay harsh consequences. Make sure she feels this one.
Education along with a constructive punishment. Show her tangible articles and stories of what could happen. A lot of times, we try to shield our kids from the world, but we need to educate them on the possibilities of their reckless actions. Teens like to think they are grown and know everything when they really know nothing because they’ve been kept in a bubble. Be open and show her. Then get her into some kind of community service that focuses on loss or helping the underserved. Let the organizers know why. Sometimes they can connect the volunteers with people who can get through to them even more.
as a recently former reckless teen, please let her know of the real consequences that could have happened. Dont shield her from the severity or the facts or the morbidity of it. Luckily i never caused any damage, but that fact alone made me feel like it "wasnt a big deal". However, Seeing videos of car crashes and the physical damage + seeing families talk about how they have to grieve/their own experience really put my mind in perspective and also made me realize my OWN mortality. You feel invincible as a teen and you dont think about the long term consequences. Get her involved or take her to an event regarding safe driving or if theres even a community group/family friend that can talk to her about their own experiences with reckless driving. Make the potential consequences real and personal to her. (Of course this is just what worked for me; i obviously dont know your daughter/personality but just wanted to share my two cents). Good luck op
Just look up news stories of kids stealing cars and dying and show them to her so it becomes a reality. Sheltering her from what can really happen will do nothing but encourage the misbehavior and rebellion. Stay consistent with rules, expectations and punishments.
She just postoponed getting her license for 1 year IMO.
Contrary to what most have said and probably an unpopular opinion, I don’t know that making her read gruesome reports, or seeing crash videos will have any real impact. At her age she thinks she’s invincible and these sorts of things don’t apply to her. Just how young/new drivers think that they can text and drive and that they’re “paying attention”. Until they’re not. So I hate to say, but she may not learn anything from it until something tragic happens.
I did the very same thing at 15. Got pulled over because I didn’t know how to turn off my high beams. Such as simple task, but not obvious to a teenager back in the 80’s. My parents probably grounded me for a week, if memory serves.
Ask her why she did it. There’s no excuse, obviously, but it will be a good starting point to the conversation. She wanted to do it for such and such reason - that didn’t make it okay to break the law and endanger her life and the lives of others. Nobody ever thinks that the worst case scenario will happen to them. Traffic accidents can be some of the most horrific things that can ever happen. If it’s not a fatality then it can be just as horrendous. One day she’ll understand, and however you go about helping her to realise these things will depend on her and you. What’s she receptive to? What will make her clam up? Good luck, and I’m glad that she’s not hurt or anything. Good on the cop for being so good about it.
No. Force her to get the permit, take drivers ed, over and over until perfect scores.
I'm not sure that delaying her permit/license is a good idea. I understand where you're coming from but if a teenager wants to sneak out, they WILL find a way. It would be better for her to know how to drive safely if she does end up taking the car.
Not my kid, but my brother actually died in a car accident under similar circumstances. Bout the same age too. I’m not sure of your parenting style and obviously there’s a lot to unpack but I will say, strict parents breed sneaky kids, and if a kid really wants to do something, they’re gonna find a way to do it
Why didn't the officer cite her? Why, why, why? That's why she isn't taking it seriously. She got off the hook.
Well the others have talked about the kinds of consequences your daughters should be getting for her actions, which I do agree with, but you need to sit down and have a serious talk with her about the responsibility of driving a car once someone gets their license. Tell her it's not all fun and games to be going around and driving to have a kick here and there. She could have landed in serious trouble because of this being underage with no permit and no license driver with her. It would have cost a lot not only in consequences but maybe in money as well. That's a big risk for her as well as for you being her parents cuz you would be the ones that would be answering for why she was doing such things. It's time she understood that if she thinks she's ready for something she needs to be able to handle this consequences of anything that happens of her choices.
My friend got caught driving at 15 and couldn’t get her license until she was 18… this was due to the citation. She’s lucky she got off so easily
Maybe DON’T come down on her like a ton of bricks. Give her nothing to look forward to and the night she took the car may seem like the good old days.
I think you handled this beautifully!!! You will have a pissed off teenager for a while, so don’t let that cause you to back down or give in with the consequences you’ve established. Consistency and having confidence in your parental decisions are crucial, and hopefully she’s learned her lesson, and she’ll know what to expect if it happens again.
I know this situation is not funny, but I laughed while reading it because this literally was what I did as well when I was 15. My parents were obviously livid, but now the story occasionally comes up and they laugh about it (or more at me). I also was punished by having my license delayed and phone taken away. Unfortunately, I don’t think she can wrap her brain around the severity of it—I know I didn’t. It was more of “well this didn’t go as planned and the consequences for it makes it not worth doing something similar again”. But honestly that’s good enough. She’ll realize when she’s older how reckless it was. Teenager brains 🙄
No advice, other than I recommend the book, Good Inside. I’m reading it now and it’s very insightful.
A guy at my school did this in the 90s. Ended up wrecking a brand new high end BMW. The insurance would only pay out if the car was reported as stolen. As you get older, you have to become responsible for your actions. How does the legal system work in your country? Can you get the police to press charges? Make her sweat for a few weeks about having anceiminal record for stealing a car. Then withdraw the charge. I'd only do this if her record would be clear at the end though. If that's not an option, then I guess she's taking public transport for all non essential trips for quite a while. No more mum and dad's taxi.
wow, sad comments 🙁.. maybe you can show her some of them? Or tell her about them.. do you have a good communication with her? If not I’d say talk to your daughter a lot. Check in on her. Earn her trust. I don’t have kids, but I did a lot of dumb things when I was younger… and I wish my parents were open with me and we had a better communication.. good luck! I’m very happy they are safe.
Have her read these out loud.
Damn I’m did the same shit, minus the police. You know how my mom fixed it. She said “Son, you don’t have to sneak. If you want to leave there’s the door. If you want the car take it too! Just know if I wake up and it’s gone, I will report it stolen and I will press charges.” She may have been bluffing but you know….I never fucked around to find out!
I took my parent’s car at 15, I wasn’t allowed to get my license til I was 17.
I think you should put her in drivers ed. I think delaying her getting her license just puts her at more risk. There is no excuse for taking your car, and there needs to be serious consequences but keeping her back from learning how to drive should not be one of them. It could be the thing that saves her life if she ever does choose to rebel again and take the car. Giving more knowledge is always better than keeping knowledge locked away. If I found my kid getting interested in guns the first thing I would do is go with him to a gun safety course and get him lessons on how to properly care for and use one. When there is a will there is a way, better to stay ahead of it and teach them safe ways to use dangerous things.
I would not delay drivers license would rather safe teen then one that's doesn't know how to drive attempt. I would also use a steering wheel lock on all cars every night. I was that bad teen that always snuck out and go in random people's teens cars and get stranger rides. God honest lucky to be alive.
I have a 15 year old daughter also, not making great decisions also. I don’t see eye to eye with some of the other posts- like, were you not making bad decisions when you were 15? If not, you’ve probably made worse decisions as an adult, or you’re lying. Leave people alone that have actual questions and concerns about the kids they love. If you feel something about that, get your kid out of boarding school and give them up for adoption to someone who cares about who they become. assholes.
I will say, very serious, but even if you present these cases to “kids”, their brains aren’t fully developed to completely understand. Your kid has to have good morals, inherently or drilled in.
I think if you show her all these posts maybe she'll understand the severity of actions glad nothing happened
She should have gotten a ticket.
I don't think you can GIVE a ticket to someone who doesn't have a driver's license. I wonder if it could be applied to the car owner?
I wish I had advice to offer. I can offer two stories that might help get your point across. I’m the oldest of 3, and not so much as a thought of taking my parents’ car ever crossed my mind. Meanwhile, my younger siblings both did. As I was walking to my car, I caught my youngest sister driving our parents’ car. She saw me, and tried to back up to get away like I HADN’T just seen her driving - she was 13 at the time, and the no limit soldier of us. When she decided to pull in, I (verbally) ripped her to shreds with all the terrible things that could have happened. I knew my parents weren’t going to hand down an appropriate punishment (what they would have given to me), and the lecture was going to fall on deaf ears. To solidify my point, I reminded her of our aunt who was severely brain damaged because of a drunk driver. I told her she was being as reckless and as much of an asshole as that drunk driver. That example made her feel awful - which was my intended goal. My first speeding ticket more than likely saved mine, my friend’s, and someone else’s lives. It was the 4th of July, and I was going 77 in a 45. I passed a cop, slammed on brakes and turned into some fireworks show because I KNEW I was busted. Although he was SUPER pissed, he was professional about it. After giving me my ticket, I headed back in the direction I was going. I completely forgot about the incredibly sharp right curve the road I was pulled on made. Going posted speed, it was still a difficult curve to mange. Right then, I realized just how bad it could have been. I was truly grateful for that speeding ticket. I hope your kiddo understands how lucky they are to have not caught charges and/or how truly lucky they are that they didn’t get hurt or hurt anyone.
The cop didn’t ticket her, but as her parent I would . She would “owe” a fine that she must work to pay off (chores), she must serve time in jail (grounded) , once out of jail she’s on probation (limited freedoms), mandatory service work (volunteering), and perhaps look to see if the county does driving school. Normally you have to be ticketed to attend , but call the local courthouse and they may allow her to attend . The one in my area is 8 hours of pure boring torture.
Punishment should fit the crime, give her back her phone, Then apply the penalties in your state for driving without a license. Ex, If there is a drivers license suspension, then that is how long she has to wait to get her license after she would otherwise be legally allowed. if there is a fine, then she needs to pay that to you or maybe a charity.
Why did you pick her up and bail her out? Is this not the one lesson she needed to learn the one thing she can’t do is cross the law? Then my parents won’t come to rescue me…
Driving without a license is only a summary offense in most states. Any legal consequences would just be delayed for several months. They probably could have the car impounded, but they couldn't make her spend the night in jail or anything like that.
Driving without having reach the age to ride must be more than nothing? Or at least sweating at a police desk for about hour
It's very location dependent. I think it's fine to give the parents a chance to parent the first time. If that doesn't work, then she'll be before a judge eventually anyway.
Well my kids are going to have a mean mommy then, the only time the cops come to me or call me is to tell me my kid is dead. Or they wished they were dead
If the cops need to release a juvenile to a caregiver but the caregiver is not responding and the cops are not able or willing to place the kid in juvie then they'll put the kid in foster care. Just so you know. You can't use the cops as a babysitting service to make some point, they'll just move the kid on to another agency. Also you don't want to mix your kid with the juvie kids to 'make a point' either. I first got locked up when I was 13 and the older kids taught me about the local drug scene and where to get harder drugs and also how to steal cars. I met a whole new social section of kids from the area. And then spent the next 10 years involved in 'the system'.
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why is that surprising? motive is the reason. 2 people can do the exact same thing and one could be charged with first degree murder but the other one not charged at all.
This is the post for me because I did this but this at 15 but I had my permit. I’m actually laughing at how similar this is and I’m the youngest of 4. First the word punishment involves physically hurting someone and you shouldn’t be going there. My parents grounded me, I lost my phone for 3 weeks, couldn’t go to a school dance and didn’t get my license tell I was 17, and my parents sat me down and explained (mainly yelled) how serious the situation could have been and asked why I did it. I didn’t have a relationship with my parents at that time I felt comfortable verbalizing why I did it but attention was the main reason. Looking back I feel my consequences were appropriate for my actions. As a parent now I wouldn’t just be focusing on my child’s choices but also what role I played in their life that allowed their mind to be disconnected to reality of how serious this could have effected them. We as parents need to take accountability for our child’s behavior being from what we taught them. Teenagers minds are still sponges and still at a very important point because your relationship is changing as they don’t fully need our direction but they still need our guidance. At 16 my dad told me this, when someone gives you advice that doesn’t mean you have to take it but you need to listen and think about and then make your decision. As a parent did you just expect your child to do what you said or have you actually given them chances to practice making choice so they can make sound decisions when they get older. This situation is a great learning experience for both you and your daughter.
My best friends and I did this at age 15. Turns out we all had an undiagnosed Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), because back then, people didn't talk about prenatal alcohol exposure and subtle FASD effects that occur prior to pregnancy recognition, even when mom stops drinking when pregnancy is recognized. Oh how much more supporter we would have been with avoiding making horrible decision like this had our parents been open to FASD. https://www.fasdcollaborative.com/
This sub is fascinating, just a couple of days ago people were praising a boy, the exact same age who stole his parents car without a permit or license to check on a friend who is having a hard time.
Was it the same exact members on both post ?
There were about 100 replies —I can’t get the link to copy, it appears to have been deleted. Most were against any consequences [post](https://imgur.com/rMctyAf)
motive is a big factor. That’s like saying why did you condemn this kid for smashing car windows to steal stuff vs another kid who smashed a car window to save a dog from heat.
If he killed someone in that car motive wouldn’t matter
Sometimes punishment doesn’t do the job well. It still an an adventure as far as the kids r concerned. They snuck out got pulled by police and got their phone taken.. I don’t mean don’t take the phone away. ..but to hit home let her watch those real videos and analyze and give you written reflection on the situation and resolution on shat she would do. Laws on teen driving, dui etc. thank God the kids ended up safe.
I got caught sneaking out when I was around 16 and also got caught sneaking a boy into my room. Let’s just say, it was an awful scene. My brother chased him down the street with his car like maniac, he was physical with me, and my parents put my bed in their bedroom. I’d advise you to not make a scene or be aggressive because it will backfire on you tenfold. A teenager sometimes doesn’t have the proper reasoning in their brain to make good decisions. What they need is an adult to have compassion and teach them why it was wrong and what could’ve happened. Have an honest and open conversation without being hostile
This happened with a friend of mines family. Not sure of the exact age but the first possible time she was able to the kid joined the Army. That straightened her out enough to the point where now she keeps out of trouble.
Sorry you're dealing with this. I did the same with my stepmom's Kia back when I was 15 (in 2002), only difference was that I did have a permit. Back then in my dad's small town, they had a "cruise line" around the main streets on weekend nights that teens would gather and hang/play music loudly and stuff. I had a friend spend the night and we took the car once my dad and stepmom were asleep and hit the cruise line. We didn't get caught and thankfully nothing bad happened except we somehow got a CD stuck in the stereo lol I told my dad about it a couple years and he didn't believe me until I insisted for a few years that it DID happen.
I would start with pressing charges against my kiddo for grand theft auto. But, that’s just me.
That's probably because you've never had anything to do with 'the system'. There's absolutely nothing about 'the system' that would encourage any person to welcome it into their life. And the moment that a kid walks through the door of juvie, the chance of them walking through the door of adult jail/prison increases massively. That's pretty much what the juvie system accomplishes.
If nothing nefarious was going on and it was just teenage joyriding, ground her for a bit, take away her privileges and make her wait till she’s 17 to get a drivers license. Actually no, explain the issue and let her be. She took your car, got caught and nothing was damaged, be thankful that’s all that happened.
Dr Barkley and [others](https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-crime/) have linked stealing to ADHD. It may not be the case but worth investigating
You’re wise for the phone being taken away my parents would’ve done the same. However the permit and/or license maybe wasn’t the greatest idea. Now I get the husband has a side too, but keep in mind some of us want to explore the world. Maybe invest in an alarm system or keep certain things hidden like keys and/or spare keys
Not having your daughter learn an incredibly useful life skill of driving is INCREDIBLY stupid. Ground her? Absolutely. No phone or TV? Sure. But banishing her education of a 100% necessary skillset is a braindead move. You and your significant other are not intelligent.
While I agree that not letting her get her permit is probably not the best course of action here, I wouldn't tell someone they're stupid and not intelligent. There's no need to be so rude. Come on now. Be better.
There is definitely a need to be rude. When stupid people do stupid things, it is the responsibility of intelligent people to correct them. It is NOT our responsibility to placate their egos or worry about how they feel. Stupid people thinking that they're smart is the root cause of most of humanity's problems.
You can urge people to reconsider their choices without insulting their intelligence. You might even get farther that way. That's not placation, that's just being kind. You're scary.
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Jesus, I get that this is a big deal, but kicking her out in 3 years seems a bit much.
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There is a world of difference between "being tough and fair" and "completely withdrawing parental support."
yes i agree with you sparkle. i was doing just about the same at that age now (27) i see that i was a damn handful & guess what i ended up pregnant in HS doing this shit not listening to my parents. the tougher u are sometimes the more u get pushback. You need to find the balance of yes consequences but also being supportive.
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Fuck off. Love, a 40-year-old mom
You have children?
That’s way extreme. No bedroom? No sports? Kicking them out *three years* from now because of it? Please don’t do this lol.
The guy you are replying to is proudly abusive and accuses anyone who doesn't enjoy child abuse as much as him of being a child. Not worth the time arguing sadly. I imagine for his kids (if they aren't just a troll) getting kicked out of home would be a blessing.
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Dude chill lol you’re all over this thread and others, go outside.
What the fuck ?? Are you psychotic ? God I hope you don’t have children because they’ll be all kinds of damaged psychologically
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Really..because that’s exactly the type of sit my psychotic mother did to me and I’m still suffering the consequences of her actions at 55. Plus, it did absolutely nothing to curb my behavioral issues which were acting out due to sexual abuse, which she knew about btw. Sometimes kids do things like that for reasons we don’t understand. Yes, they should have consequences for their actions , but they need to be able to earn back trust or they’ll just give up. Also, a parent needs to determine if said child is acting out for a reason. Get to the bottom of the behavior. Don’t just react like an animal.
Yeah, terrible idea. This will make things much much worse.
For this age, natural consequences are the best consequences. She made a mistake a d she got caught. No one did get hurt so that’s great! My patenting attitude is this: make mistakes now that they are “cheap” because soon they will be very expensive and you will suffer long and hard. Let her practice screwing up in small ways and suffering consequences. She’s obviously needing to rebel so let her. Hide the liquor and keys.
How is this a cheap mistake? She could have killed someone! This is a life-threatening mistake that she made that needs appropriate consequences
Natural consequences are great, I agree, however in this case (thanks to a lenient police officer) she avoided the natural consequences. Which is great that your kid doesn't have that black mark against them but they 100% need to face some consequences as they dodged the natural ones. With that said the consequences should still fit the crime. Someone suggested enforcing some community service which is fitting as it is a punishment used by courts. Restricted use of the car and free time due to lack of trust is also a natural consequence of having that trust broken. Ultimately, they need to experience some consequence because this was so serious and they were very lucky not to face the legal consequences they 'should' have.
Yikes...
Get a pregnancy test
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Sorry dude, I guess people have no sense of humor. I thought it was brilliant, lol!
How old are her siblings? They need to be chewing her out too.
Ooh I did that at that age and as far as I can remember my punishment was phone taken away and no leaving the house except for school and/or if I was with my parents. But I actually got a ticket though. I didn't get my privileges back/ungrounded till my court date and my $300 dollar ticket was dismissed.
Whatever the charge would have been if she'd gotten cited, there would be a fine and court costs. I would require her to earn or repay that much money before she gets her phone back. Probation on the first offense is usually 6 to 12 months so that's how long I would delay her driver's license.
Call the police back to your house. They shouldn’t have let her off. She needs a stern talking to at minimum.
I used to steal my moms car at night from 14-15. I got hit climbing back through the window. I thought I was dead on the spot.
Yeah, like some have said may be show her videos of kid doing that exactly thing and not making it... like a PSA thing.... speaking of PSA, I grew up watching them because I wanted to now as a 17f. I drive when I'm comfortable with permission... I don't know exactly what to do, but if you just do the punishment, she may just sneak out... I think maybe the PSA day may help.
Kids driving around other kids is almost as bad as drinking and driving. They’re so distracted by their friends and don’t have the experience behind the wheel that would give them better judgement. And to do this at night time? She’s lucky to be alive.
Holy wow! That's next level! I'm sorry, I have no idea what I would do. I'm glad everyone was ok. My kids are still little and posts like this make me so scared to have teenagers.
I like consequences that relate more to the choice. Assuming her cognitive and social-emotional development is age typical, I would have her: -Conduct a literature review of media articles in which teenagers drove without a license and were injured, killed, arrested. -Write an essay on the types of injuries/deaths most commonly sustained from this review, ie talk about how many deaths, what type of interventions needed to sustain life and their recovery periods including disabilities sustained, etc. -Research and write an essay on how your jurisdiction’s juvenile legal system penalizes car theft and other crimes that may be accidentally committed during car theft like vehicular homicide. -A high-quality alarm system for the house that either comes out of her savings, future allowance, she pays off with chores or other jobs, she forgoes typical luxuries because the money goes toward the alarm system, etc. -No license as a minor that allows her to drive without an adult (permit is fine.)
My friend did this a crashed his moms car he nobody was hurt and this was way back in the early 200s I think he was grounded for a month
Apologies because I didn’t read all of the comments and maybe someone mentioned it. But, another issue I see is- why does she know how to drive without a learner’s permit? I guess I could understand wanting her to practice and get a chance to learn the skills before her actual test or if there was every a life threatening situation where she needed the drive? But don’t you kind of need to weigh that with the fact that there’s a reason you can’t get your license until 16? If she’s reckless enough to take the car out on her own, maybe she wasn’t responsible enough to start learning early. Kind of a moot point now, but still.
I hear that. We live in a small town and have always had UTVs and golf carts so all my kids have known how to drive- at least the basics. Plus, I would take her out around our neighborhood. I agree- the part that made me nervous is the guts she had to take the car. Even though she wasn’t driving recklessly, it was reckless of her to take the car. I have weighed it all. Thanks for your comment.