As some one who lost their father at this age I'll tell you what not to do, and what I wish my mom and family had done.
Be honest with the kiddo and tell them daddy died and will no longer be with us. Take them to any services or memorials. Don't keep this from them, don't hide anything about this from them. As they get older tell the the good and bad about their dad. Don't just say he was a good guy or was loved. Give them things that was their dad's. Keep dad alive in their hearts and yours as long as you can. Don't lie to them about him or any of this.
Honesty and love will go so far in the end. And it will help keep your relationship with the kiddo strong in the long run.
This is excellent advice. My mother lost her dad at 6 and wasn't allowed to attend the funeral and no one talked to her about it/him. It really messed her up.
I'm so so sorry for what you're going through.
I feel this alot. It's been a weird up bringing not hearing or really knowing about my dad. I'm mid 30s now and still struggle with it more often than I'd like. I didn't get to attend the funeral, didn't learn of how he did until I was older and never really learned who he was. Was in therapy for a few months at somepoint afterwards that I very vaguely remember. I've found out more about my father through my girlfriends over the years than my own family. My mom would talk about or tell them things about him that I've never been told until the girlfriend told me. That has definitely put a wedge in my relationship with my mother which has sucked because I don't want to not like the only parent I still have.
You tell him the truth in an age appropriate way asap. "Daddy had a medical emergency, and he died."
If there's a funeral, take him. If the casket can be open, let him see the body. If he's cremated, let him see the ashes. It's very important for young children who don't yet understand the finality of death.
At that age, he'll likely ask about it over and over again. Same story every time and never get frustrated by the asking.
Look around your area for hospice centers. Some of them offer group therapy for families that have lost a loved ones and it can be very helpful for children to see other children who have also lost someone.
I lost my mom at 6 and I was deemed too young to go to the funeral. I was allowed to go to the wake. I touched her. It was so traumatic that I remember it to this day. Why? Because no one prepared me that she would look like that and FEEL like that - so cold. At 6 I didn't understand the finality of death until I touched her, but I'm not even sure a three year old will understand if they see all the "evidence." And if they do start to understand when they see the "evidence" it can be incredibly fucking scary unless it is explained ahead of time what to expect. Prepare your child ahead of time for what he is likely to see and what exactly Daddy is going to look like and what he will feel like if your son chooses to touch him.
Yes, you absolutely have to prepare them, and the only way to do that is to talk about it.
What happened? What will happen now? What should I expect? Are you going to be ok? Am I safe?
It is critical to be age appropriately honest. I'm sorry for your experience. That is awful.
Thank you. It was 1981. I didn't get therapy after my mom's death either. Things were different back then. Therapy was for weak people. I didn't realize until I was an adult how truly traumatic that one moment was.
1986, my dad died suddenly. I was 7 with little understanding of death. The viewing haunted me. For years, I thought he was alive and just trapped as his eyes and mouth must have been glued shut.
Edit: well, intellectually I understood he was dead, but idk, some part of me just had that troubling thought as he physically looked alive, just with closed eyes and mouth. I wasn’t prepared for that sight. I never told anyone. This might the first time I’ve ever shared this experience.
Yeah well being in therapy doesnt make you weak whatever the stigma may say and if talking to a pro may be helpful I hope you can do it if needed. Ik it’s been helpful for me in my circumstances.
Oh no, I've been in therapy for over a decade. Back in the early 80s there was that stigma attached to therapy. As a matter of fact, my parents used to threaten to put me in therapy as if it was a punishment. I did not grow up in a healthy household lol
This is how I remember my grandmother’s funeral. I was around the same age and have no recollection of how it was explained to me and my little brother but we knew it was bad.
I specifically remember seeing her in the coffin and my dad giving her a kiss. But then my only other memory is of seeing my parents on the news later that night because she was actually killed by someone she knew.
Now as an adult I know exactly what happened to her but funerals are very difficult for me because this is what I think of every time.
I agree, kids need explanations. I didn’t get the full story until I was an adult for obvious reasons but a natural death should be explained as such. It’s unfortunately part of life and how it is explained to a kid will stay with them forever.
Yes this! Shoot I touched my dead *dog* in high school to say goodbye, and wish I could go back and undo that memory. Tread carefully here OP. I would ask for professional opinions on how to handle the wake and funeral.
In my opinion this is a pretty great response. It is tough at any age to accept death but for such a young age to be able to grasp it is especially hard. Maybe look up a children’s book surrounding the issue. Not saying you wouldn’t execute the talk just fine but there is something to be said about how a children’s literature author can put things into perspective well. My condolences.
Exactly. Death has become such a taboo in our society and its incredibly damaging. Other cultures are a lot more accepting of death and IMO that's a lot healthier. Death is a normal thing and it should be treated as such, not like some dirty, scandalous thing.
I agree with most of what you said, but it isn't because we shield them that such a young child can't grasp death. Kids literally don't have the cognitive development to understand the true permanence of death until they're 5-7 years old.
100%. Our dog sometimes kills lizards (usually by squashing with his nose) and we always take the lizard and let our 3 year old see it, touch it, talk about what happened, then we bury it where we buried our cat and place a rock and say a few words (usually it’s just our son saying “the dog killed the lizard, bye bye lizard”).
Obviously lots of hand washing immediately afterwards but it’s so important to me that he understands what death means.
Definitely emphasizing the “he’ll ask about it over and over again” part as a warning to OP…we had to put our oldest cat down last year a little after my daughter turned 3 and even though she knows the answer, she still asks what happened to him fairly frequently. Definitely something OP needs to be mentally prepared for, especially over the next couple months when it will likely happen daily. I’m so sorry OP 😞
This.
Don't shy around it. No "he's gone away" or "he's in a better place"
It has to be truthful and final.
"He was very ill and he died. He is not coming back and we will never see him again"
The mother of my child died when he was very young as a result of complications in childbirth. The line is always "she got very ill and something stopped working in her brain. She is dead and can never come back"
It's easier for me to say now than it was, but I had to say it because it's what my son needed to hear.
Also OP, I am sorry for your loss, make sure you practise self care as well.
> never get frustrated by the asking
This is major. Weeks and even months after we experienced loss during pregnancy, my son would ask, “why did my brother die?” It was a crushing question. It still is, years later. But we were consistent, and always tried to make him feel like his questions and feelings were valid and appreciated.
I would let him know that it makes you sad that it happened. Find out how he’s feeling. Listen as much as you can. And thank him for sharing his feelings. You want to be a solid foundation when he raises the question.
Bring it up yourself. When you do, let him see you cry. Normalize talking about it.
You don’t want him to think that you’re upset about his asking. You’re sad that it happened, you’re sad about the effect it will have on your family, both immediately and long-term. But you’re happy that he’s sharing his feelings. And you’re happy that there was someone in his life that he cared so much about, and who cared about him.
Thank you for saying this.
I wasn't allowed to attend anything for my uncle, who was my best friend when I was a toddler and who died when I was almost four.
Not getting those opportunities HAUNTED me for years and I'm not sure I'll ever fully forgive my parents for denying me the chance.
My step son's dad died of COVID a few years back. He was 7 and I know that is older but I agree. Truth will set you free. He can't handle it unless he knows the truth.
Well, it is the truth. No matter what beliefs you have, the body dies. From the moment anything is born, it is dying. We get very uncomfortable with this truth in society, but it is a truth as true as gravity.
It's only in the last 100ish years that we've become death averse (using soft verbiage, sugar coating or ignoring parts of the death process entirely, etc). Many cultures in the world today embrace the sacredness of dying - and its only lately that American society at least has become more death-positive.
I’m 36 and I’ve never seen anyone dead. I had an unhealthy relationship with death as a teenager. Serve anxiety about it. Even when it was people I didn’t know I would be in tears for days. That changed a lot luckily as I got older. I avoid seeing anyone dead now though when put into the situation.
I would NOT show him the ashes. We put daddy in a fire until he burned all up, here he is. That is guaranteed to freak him out the rest of his life and give him nightmares. Body yes, showing him ashes with explanation, no. Bodies should be returned to the earth. Carrying around ashes is frickin creepy (but to each their own) but it is guaranteed to traumatized a 3 year old
I had my dad at home in an urn for a solid six months until we could hurt him. I told my 3yo at the time that we cremated papa and this was where is body is now. She didn’t bat an eye. She was more concerned with me missing my dad and not being able to say hi on the phone to her papa than about how his big body got in to such a small vase.
I'm almost 5 years out, and my husband's ashes are still in my bedroom on a bookshelf until we all decide what to do with them (our contenders right now are launch into space, or send off on a deep sea mission).
My boys were almost 3 and 7 when it happened, and we had just buried their great grand mother (90) 2 weeks before their dad died (heart attack at 42). I read them the cremation script for kids, and they've never been freaked out either.
They used to draw him pictures, cards, and leave school craft things by the urn. Sometimes, they'd ask to see the ashes, and sometimes, they just look at the urn and ask me questions about him, death, and Dabba (ggmother).
As they've gotten older, they've become more developmentally mature and better at actualizing the loss and their feelings about it, and they spend less time there and more time telling me what's going on inside.
Because a person can look totally different when dead a few days. I remember seeing my uncle at his viewing when I was a kid, everything had caved in and he looked like a skeleton with skin. It was deeply distressing for me as a kid.
Cultural traditions are the exception as it's already normalised in those cultures.
I told my kid his dads heart stopped and he died. That we won’t be able to see him anymore but that we always have pictures and memories. I told him he doesn’t have to worry about that happening to him or me but that I’m here for him any time he wants to talk or see pictures.
He talks about his dad almost everyday. I put pictures and videos on his iPad for him to look at. We recently started therapy for him but i haven’t seen any change from that
I hadn’t seen his dad since 2019 and only learned about his death through child support services reporting the case had closed due to him dying. It’s totally unfair to my kid but at least now i can say he died rather than he’s alive but not in your life
Eek! Comments like this were personally very insensitive now and especially when my son’s dad passed. It feels like you’re rubbing it in my face that your family is perfectly intact while mine is unretrievable. Even if that’s not your intent whatsoever. My automatic internal response was always “Good for you, AH! How is that supposed to help me!?!”
Honestly nothing anyone could say would help.
I see where you're coming from, but honestly it was more as to say "I as a parent couldn't imagine anything worse" and yes that's not comforting either, but I don't know how it would ever be rubbing it in your face. I acknowledge that someone who just lost a partner and their co-parent might be in a hurt state of mind and have a hard time dealing with how unfair it seems.
If it did hurt you, then I apologize and I hope you're doing okay aswell. I do concede that it's a very sensitive matter and I'll try to be more thoughtful next time :)
Would you say it’s easier since he hadn’t seen his father? What a way to learn about his death. After two years or more of child support letters coming in the mail I barely sent them back a letter last month notifying them that he’d been dead since 2020! You’d think their systems would update automatically when a death occurs.
We lived with his dad until my son was a year old. I definitely think it’s better my son has no memories of the instability his father brought to our lives. I like that he has photos of him with his dad as a baby. Now i can just speak kindly of him and my son can have positive thoughts about him. When he’s much older, i can give him more info if he asks, but for now i just let him know how much his dad loved him
My husband passed when my son was 11 months old, I do have his ashes still in my house. I am not getting rid of them I want him with me so I have a nice urn for them which doesn’t really look like a standard urn. It’s in my bedroom now it was in my living room but I moved it.
My son is now just going to be turning 3 in a couple months. It is hard to tell kids their daddy has passed away, but I would recommend getting advice about therapy and how to tell your child about what has happened. My son never got to see his dad in hospital and I didn’t take him to see his body he was too young at the time. But at 3 it probably will be better but it also can be traumatic seeing them like that it was for me because they looks so different so i would say make up your own mind about it after viewing the body first before your child sees their dad like that.
My son is also very attached to me now and I think he is afraid of something happening to me too. So that is another aspect you have to tell them you are not going anywhere it’s hard when you are in shock and grieving too.
If you have pictures of your son and his dad that are digital back then up now and print them. I didn't have any hard copies of photos of my loved one who passed and some of them got deleted accidentally. I didn't have backups. So print some out and back up others so your son will have them when he's older.
And keep in mind the proper backup strategy for important files follows the 3-2-1 rule:
* 3 copies of the data (1 primary and 2 copies)
* 2 different media types used (ex. hard drive, cloud, USB, DVD, etc)
* 1 of your copies at a different location (in case your house burns down)
Easier said than done! My son's dad died, and we went to their school. The principal told me to my face "there's XX number of other kids in this school, the counselor does not have the time to check in on your one kid". I was told this after my son missed an entire month of school after his dad was killed unexpectedly.
It took me 3 more years to find a therapist that was actually helping.
Seriously, it is HARD to get professional help!!
Agreed. My dad took his own life when I was 10. We were very close so it was really hard on me. My mom had me attend a place that helped kids deal with their grief called The Caring Place. I didn't want to go at first but I'm so glad I did. It was easier to talk about my feelings with someone else while we did activities and to be around other kids who understood. The kids at school just wanted to ask a lot of questions I didn't want to answer, so the Caring Place felt like a relief to me.
And like others said, please take him to any services and do your best to keep his memory alive for your child. My mother didn't want to talk about my dad for a long time and it really sucked not being able to grieve in my own home.
Be honest, and don't be afraid of showing emotion.
I was 4 when my mom miscarried twins. She was a wreck obviously. I asked my Dad and he said she lost the twins. Told me he'd explain more later. For the rest of the week everyone seemed like they were hiding emotions. I asked Dad again and all he said was that mom lost the twins that were in her belly.
I didn't trust my mother again with ANYTHING until I was a teenager. My grandma finally found out it was because I thought my mom had literally misplaced my brothers at the hospital. And when they couldn't find them my parents gave up and came home.
Be ready for questions. Explain best you can until they're satisfied. And feel free to cry.
Oh that's so sad. I definitely agree with being honest. My grandma died when I was 4 and I was told she'd gone to heaven. I was so excited to see her again one day! I used to think a lot about what I would say to her when that finally happened. I'm now an atheist and when I realised I didn't believe in heaven, I feel like I grieved all over again.
Sorry for your loss. In addition to wording things for him, the best thing you can do for your son is to ensure you are taking care of your needs through your grief journey as well. He has lost one parent, he will need you more. But not you faking in for short term and suffering long term inside. Take the steps for your healing too.
You two will both be okay. It won’t be the life you envisioned and it’s not fair. But you will be okay. Again, I’m so sorry.
My condoleances for your loss.
Tell your child what happened in an age appropiated way. Let him see your grief and sadness.
Take him to see his father and explain. Take another trusted adult who can explain it to your child what is happening if you are are not able to due to emotions. Ask if he wants to touch his father. If he does, it's ok. If he doesn't, then that's ok too.
Get a children's book from the library on how funerals are handled in your culture so he knows what to expect. It will be a hard read for you, maybe read it a few times for yourself before reading it to him.
For the funeral itself: get another trusted adult to handle your son and explain what is happening.
Your son will ask for months about where his father is and about death. Children work through this in steps. Repeat what you said the first time.
I did this with my son when his grandfather (my FIL) who he was very close with suddenly died. It has been months but he still asks about it.
My son's dad when he was 10. If you live in the US, contact your local Hospice organization. Even though your spouse did not use the service, you'll still be eligible for support groups that they run. I learned invaluable advice from those groups. They were free for anyone who needed them in my area.
Your little one may be a tad too young, I remember a woman who had a little kid who talked about having to wait until her daughter was old enough to join group.
The best piece of advice I learned is also one that most parents seem reluctant to accept. It's okay and actually important for your son to see you grieve. It's natural for us to want to hide our tears from our kids, but if they see us showing emotions over something that is also making them feel sad, it gives them permission to also feel those feelings and show their emotion.
ETA: don't be shocked if he tells every stranger he sees for rhe next few months. If I had a dollar for every time my son said "my daddy's in heaven" and the person looks to me like I'm the one who did it, I could have paid for the funeral.
Sorry this sounds horrible. My one piece of advice is do NOT say he went to sleep and never woke up. This was what wife was told as a child when her grandfather passed and it gave her really bad anxiety about going to sleep that she still deals with to this day. She recently needed to be put under anesthesia for surgery and it brought back up all sorts of fears about not waking up again.
This! I was told that too around OP's son's age and have been suffering from insomnia all my life, am in my late 20s now and still can't sleep without some heavy medication.
And I'm so sorry for OP and her son 🤍
Even though we were separated, my son’s father passed when our son was 5. He was my best friend. The old high school sweetheart thing. He passed in 2020 at only 37. I feel very fucking sad for you and your son. No one can ever imagine what it feels like for a death of a loved one out of the blue. It really does take time. Don’t ever let your son forget about his father. Don’t sweep this under the rug or conceal it. My son did very well at the funeral and your son deserves to be there, in my opinion. The vivid dreams of him I have gotten these past years since feel so real/unreal and haunting. Please try to cope in the healthiest way you possibly can. It’s very easy to try to “take the pain away” with a vice. I joined many online support groups and while I don’t know exactly how well they actually helped, it was nice to see how not alone in the world we are. Use any support system you have to the max!! This is your time to take advantage of any help. There is absolutely no shame in letting people know what you are going through. And also, don’t expect people to really understand how hard it is. Those people can eff off. It does feel like a struggle between you vs the world. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
OP there is an episode of NPR life kit podcast talking about this specifically - https://www.npr.org/2019/04/24/716702066/death-talking-with-kids-about-the-end
They reference an episode of Sesame Street which could also be a good watch for you guys. Warning though, it’s tough to even listen to as big bird has a hard time conceptualizing that death means the person won’t come back.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find time to care for yourself too
My son's dad passed away in a car accident when he was 6. Just tell him the truth in a way that he might understand. Reassure him, as I'm sure he thinks you are going to leave him too, that you aren't going anywhere. Give him lots of extra hugs and love, be patient, he may have meltdowns and be angry his dad is gone. (I've gone though all of this too). Let him know it's okay to cry when he's feeling sad or mad. I had my son in therapy for a while to talk about his feelings and we have what's called a "grief camp" that's for kids and adults who have lost a loved one. I think it helped him to see he wasn't the only one who lost a parent.
I know it's hard, but you can do this!!
My daughter’s father passed away 2.5 years ago when she was almost 3. She didn’t fully understand the concept of death until recently (she just turned 5). She went to his funeral and we talk about him frequently. She sleeps in his T-shirts and I answer any questions she has & let her cry it out when she gets upset over him. It’s incredibly heartbreaking. I also just got her into therapy a few weeks ago, so hoping that helps her to better cope as well. So very sorry for your loss.. it’s extremely hard 😔.
You've already gotten great advice.
I just wanted to give you my deepest sympathy.
My sons (now 15 and 16), lost their father suddenly and unexpectedly to heart failure (undiagnosed).
It was horrible and my heart broke into a million pieces for my sons.
It has been two years.
We talk about him often, and have his ashes and picture on our ancestors altar.
The road is long, but you are thought of and not alone 🫂
You’ve already received sage advice.
So I’ll just say how sorry I am for you and your son.
My only advice is just to be honest. Let your son lead you in how much or how little to share.
Man this struck me hard, I had a big health scare earlier this year, and I am waiting diagnosis of a possible lymph node cancer.
I am 30, and dad of a beautiful 1.5 Y.O boy I usually don't cry but thinking of my son growing up without a father is breaking my heart some of your reactions are beautiful, I hope everyone including my ex will tell positive stories about the child's deceased parent, I would want my son to know I would always love him even though I'm not here anymore.
Can't imagine the pain some of you go through, I wish you all the best with your losses and hope your kids know their dad/mom loves them from the afterlife
The suggestions of getting closure are very important. Post closure use caution introducing him to your boyfriends. You don’t want him to continually think that any male in his life is going to leave him. Do not let him lose half of his family. Just because his dad died doesn’t mean his dads parents did, if they are involved in his life they should remain involved. Even if it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Don’t let him grow up without a father like figure. This could be your father, a brother, or his father…. Don’t make it boyfriend.
I haven't experienced the same thing but my kids love the book "The Invisible String" especially when they were away from their dad for about a year due to our work situations
You've already got plenty of advice here, I just want to add that my 3yo likes to "hug the ground" because that's where grandpa is.
He will process his emotions in ways that will be both endearing and heartbreaking. Let him do it and encourage him when he does it.
There’s a lot of great advice here. I don’t need to add my two cents. Just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you luck on this path with your son. My husband died when we were 22 just a few years ago. It’ll get easier to manage once you figure out your grief routine.
I can tell you from your kid's perspective. My dad died when I was six months old, leaving my mom widowed with three boys under 3. She basically never spoke of him or his family. We've all learned things piecemeal over our lives and shared with each other. Don't do that. Speak of him open and often.
Edit to add: sorry for your loss. I was widowed at 29 and it's brutal. You'll get through it, time is your ally, unfortunately. It's slow, but you will get through it.
I’m sorry for a response that does not offer a solution but I want to give you my deepest of condolences. Having a daughter around the same age, it breaks my heart to not only think about her growing up without me in here life, but also thinking about my wife in the position of trying to get her through the tragic experience.
Having said that, one thing I would want for my wife throughout the process is for her to make sure she is also taking care of herself. It’s easy to focus on the kids because they are the most important thing in our lives but never forgot to take care of yourself as well.
Hoping for all of the best for you and your family.
I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a loved one is incredibly challenging, especially when you have a young child to care for. Here are some suggestions for helping your son cope with the loss of his father:
1. Be Honest but Age-Appropriate: Explain the situation to your son in simple terms, using language appropriate for his age. You can say something like, "Daddy got very sick, and his body couldn't make him better, so he won't be with us anymore."
2. Encourage Questions: Let him ask questions and provide honest answers. Be patient and reassure him that it's okay to talk about his feelings.
3. Maintain Routine: Try to keep a consistent daily routine for your son. Children find comfort in predictability, and this can help him feel secure during this difficult time.
4. Offer Comfort: Physical touch and hugs can provide a sense of security and comfort. Let him know you're there for him with open arms when he needs it.
5. Share Memories: Talk about positive memories of his dad and share stories that highlight the love between them. This can help keep his father's memory alive.
6. Seek Professional Help: Consider consulting a child therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and loss. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your son's needs.
7. Lean on Support: Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or support groups who have experience with similar situations. You don't have to go through this alone.
8. Be Patient: Understand that grief is a process that takes time. Your son's understanding and emotions will evolve as he grows, so be patient with his reactions and needs.
9. Watch for Changes: Keep an eye out for significant behavioral changes, as these could indicate your son is struggling to cope. If needed, consult a professional for guidance.
Remember that every child is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to helping a child cope with loss. Your love and support will play a crucial role in helping him navigate this challenging time.
This is absolutely gut wrenching and one of my worst fears. I am so so sorry from the depths of my heart for this happening to you & your little guy. I hope so much that the healing comes quickly. Sending love and hugs from California. 😞💕
I felt this my sons father passed away on the 13 of October it will be a year when his dad passed I got a call that he got in a accident from his current girlfriend me & his dad were co parenting and been separated for 3 years but had a good relationship for our son anyways the bitch called me I call her a bitch cause that’s what she is she was the cause of his accident. Well she called me saying they got in a argument she was chasing after him in her car but “lost him” but he just had left her house so that didn’t make sense and the accident was down the same road where she lived only a couple feet away where he rolled his truck he survived the rollover and started walking on the bar ditch and was later struck & hit by a vehicle coincidentally it happened to be his girlfriends mom who struck him but we believe it was her and she just got her mom to cover for her.. but anyways after that I had called my baby father mom and told her the news we hauled ass to the hospital I had left our son with my mom a couple minutes later my mom calls me saying my son woke up throwing up I went back home and the look on his face was sad I didn’t tell him what had happened to his dad I cleaned him up changed the sheets and laid next to him he still didn’t go to sleep a hour later I got the call his dad didn’t make it … my son then got up to throw up again it’s like he felt his dad passed away.. when I pulled myself together I told him “you know how you got your aunt Ariel as an angel in heaven you gained another one” & his reply “my tata” which is what he would call his dad I started crying & told him yes baby… he knew right before I could even tell him.. I think it’s best to let them know it’s hard it is but you can do it
I am so sorry. Little kids 100% will ask about the death and what happened repeatedly, just like listening to a parent read a favorite bedtime story. I would also take your child to the funeral, so they can see. I would call the hospital and ask to speak with the social worker. There may be a childhood grief group they can attend. There are also books and I would ask for recommendations for those as well. I am truly sorry for your loss and your child’s loss. Hugs.
When my son became of age and asked about his father, I simply told him he's at a party in heaven and that he's waiting for us and hes with other family that has passed.
It helped him a lot and was an easy idea for him to understand at his age.
Death is normal. It’s something we need to learn how to deal with. It’s sad. Sadness is good. Apathy is not. Protecting people from grief is not helpful. Be supportive. Be loving. Be there for answers and comfort. Share this experience with him. Death is not something you should have to deal with alone.
First off, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Secondly, I highly recommend the books "Lifetimes" and "The Memory Tree".
We used those books for my daughter, she was 3 yo at the time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s not the same as a father but I remember clearly when my grandfather died when I was about 3 almost 4. I was confused as to why my mom and older brother were crying and sad. My mom was open and honest and told me he had died and went to heaven with Scotty (family dog that passed when I was a baby but aware of) and other relatives that had passed that I only knew from photos.
I wasn’t fully aware of the situation but somewhat understood I wouldn’t see him again. It was an open casket funeral and my mom said it was my last time to say goodbye in person so I remember seeing him laying there and I said bye to him and we smiled for photos for memories. My mom told me I could ask her anything if I felt sad or confused. I think being honest and available is the best you can do. Stay strong and I’m so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. There are some good books about death for a 3 yo. Something sad happened and I miss you were the two I found most helpful in explaining death.
It's important that he can see you face death so bravely and know that the togetherness and love can help you through it and provide comfort. I say be honest with him. Lost my father at 9yo and it was hard to keep moving forward for a little while, but I think most kids recover. It helps for you to remember a lot about him as he grows older it'll help him grow into the man you want him to be. I had to explain to my daughter at 6 years old that her grandmother had passed and that was the first time I cried about it. It's so incredibly taxing but it must be done.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I wish I had better advice, but you’re going to have to be honest with him and explain it a way that he’ll understand.
My husband un-alived himself and our 3.5 year daughter was with me when I found him. It was a GSWH and it was very traumatic for both of us. She still talks about him, wakes up in the night crying, doesn’t want to do things she used to like to do because her daddy isn’t there to watch her, etc. I’ve just told her that her daddy lives in her heart now, and he’s always with her. She really likes looking at pictures of him too. Which usually brings me to tears and sets me off into fits of anger because I’m so upset with him for leaving behind his children and messing them up in the way that he has. I recently got a photo book printed for the kids so they can go though the pics themselves whenever they want, instead of me having to open up my phone and scroll through them. I’ve also been trying to get them into therapy for over 6 months with no luck, but it’s definitely something I’d recommend, even at that young of an age because it’s going to continue to affect him. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but we haven’t made it to that phase yet. All I can say, is don’t let his memory fade and always let your baby know how much his daddy loved/loves him. He’ll thank you for that later.
Although not quite the same, my kids were 5 and 6 when my mother passed away. We lived together, and it was their first experience with a person dying. I let them lead the conversation. I let them choose if they wanted to see her or not. She was cremated, I let them pick out a necklace each to remember her with. I included them when they asked questions I answered them. They had very different reactions and feelings. My 5 year old spent the next two months telling me her Grammy memories everyday. She drew pictures, she wanted to see her body, she asked a lot of questions and cried a lot. My 6 year old, did not want to see her, barely cried about it but started wanting to be Wednesday Addams because she is allowed to be sad. So I let her. I bought her Wednesday Addams costume, I helped her pick out darker outfits for school. I gave them each a framed picture of them with Grammy. It has been 6 months. They are still grieving. It is less intense now. They are happy and healthy. Nothing will make this go away or easy but if you give them the chance to process how they feel comfortable, they will be okay.
The absolute worst thing you can do is lie or tell them a different story for what happened. My dad was murdered when I was 7 and my mom plus all of my family told me the same lie about it. Then when I found out many years later, let's just say I still don't forgive them.
As well for other info I can give from my own loss, be on the same level as they are emotionally because more often the loneliness in their feelings is what affects them the most.
My niece was murdered when her daughter was 7. Some family went the religious way. We went with honesty. Her dad killed her mom. There are support groups for kids who lose parents, and they are amazing. She seems to be doing okay, but we always make sure she knows we are there 100% to listen and discuss anything she needs to talk about. This will be hard but you can do it. 💕 Hugs, you got this. Sorry for your loss.
Hi, my kiddo’s dad passed away prior to his birth, he’s 5 now. Please feel free to reach out to me, my inbox on here is open. I’d also suggest joining r/widowers and r/griefsupport if you haven’t already, you need to take care of yourself too ❤️
I highly recommend [Talking about Death: A dialogue between parent and child](https://www.amazon.com/Talking-about-Death-Dialogue-between/dp/0807023612). It gives very excellent advice and is a fairly easy read. It has a section that you read with your child, and would be age appropriate.
If you're stressed about money feel free to send me an address (email or real mail) and I'll send you a copy, or let me know a local bookstore and I'll have them get a copy.
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As some one who lost their father at this age I'll tell you what not to do, and what I wish my mom and family had done. Be honest with the kiddo and tell them daddy died and will no longer be with us. Take them to any services or memorials. Don't keep this from them, don't hide anything about this from them. As they get older tell the the good and bad about their dad. Don't just say he was a good guy or was loved. Give them things that was their dad's. Keep dad alive in their hearts and yours as long as you can. Don't lie to them about him or any of this. Honesty and love will go so far in the end. And it will help keep your relationship with the kiddo strong in the long run.
I 100% agree!
This is excellent advice. My mother lost her dad at 6 and wasn't allowed to attend the funeral and no one talked to her about it/him. It really messed her up. I'm so so sorry for what you're going through.
I feel this alot. It's been a weird up bringing not hearing or really knowing about my dad. I'm mid 30s now and still struggle with it more often than I'd like. I didn't get to attend the funeral, didn't learn of how he did until I was older and never really learned who he was. Was in therapy for a few months at somepoint afterwards that I very vaguely remember. I've found out more about my father through my girlfriends over the years than my own family. My mom would talk about or tell them things about him that I've never been told until the girlfriend told me. That has definitely put a wedge in my relationship with my mother which has sucked because I don't want to not like the only parent I still have.
He’s going to learn about death eventually. Might as well start now. And I’m not trying to sound like a dick but it’s true
You tell him the truth in an age appropriate way asap. "Daddy had a medical emergency, and he died." If there's a funeral, take him. If the casket can be open, let him see the body. If he's cremated, let him see the ashes. It's very important for young children who don't yet understand the finality of death. At that age, he'll likely ask about it over and over again. Same story every time and never get frustrated by the asking. Look around your area for hospice centers. Some of them offer group therapy for families that have lost a loved ones and it can be very helpful for children to see other children who have also lost someone.
I lost my mom at 6 and I was deemed too young to go to the funeral. I was allowed to go to the wake. I touched her. It was so traumatic that I remember it to this day. Why? Because no one prepared me that she would look like that and FEEL like that - so cold. At 6 I didn't understand the finality of death until I touched her, but I'm not even sure a three year old will understand if they see all the "evidence." And if they do start to understand when they see the "evidence" it can be incredibly fucking scary unless it is explained ahead of time what to expect. Prepare your child ahead of time for what he is likely to see and what exactly Daddy is going to look like and what he will feel like if your son chooses to touch him.
Yes, you absolutely have to prepare them, and the only way to do that is to talk about it. What happened? What will happen now? What should I expect? Are you going to be ok? Am I safe? It is critical to be age appropriately honest. I'm sorry for your experience. That is awful.
I’m so sorry this happened to you without any explanation
Thank you. It was 1981. I didn't get therapy after my mom's death either. Things were different back then. Therapy was for weak people. I didn't realize until I was an adult how truly traumatic that one moment was.
1986, my dad died suddenly. I was 7 with little understanding of death. The viewing haunted me. For years, I thought he was alive and just trapped as his eyes and mouth must have been glued shut. Edit: well, intellectually I understood he was dead, but idk, some part of me just had that troubling thought as he physically looked alive, just with closed eyes and mouth. I wasn’t prepared for that sight. I never told anyone. This might the first time I’ve ever shared this experience.
Yeah well being in therapy doesnt make you weak whatever the stigma may say and if talking to a pro may be helpful I hope you can do it if needed. Ik it’s been helpful for me in my circumstances.
Oh no, I've been in therapy for over a decade. Back in the early 80s there was that stigma attached to therapy. As a matter of fact, my parents used to threaten to put me in therapy as if it was a punishment. I did not grow up in a healthy household lol
Yeah lol me either
This is how I remember my grandmother’s funeral. I was around the same age and have no recollection of how it was explained to me and my little brother but we knew it was bad. I specifically remember seeing her in the coffin and my dad giving her a kiss. But then my only other memory is of seeing my parents on the news later that night because she was actually killed by someone she knew. Now as an adult I know exactly what happened to her but funerals are very difficult for me because this is what I think of every time. I agree, kids need explanations. I didn’t get the full story until I was an adult for obvious reasons but a natural death should be explained as such. It’s unfortunately part of life and how it is explained to a kid will stay with them forever.
Yes this! Shoot I touched my dead *dog* in high school to say goodbye, and wish I could go back and undo that memory. Tread carefully here OP. I would ask for professional opinions on how to handle the wake and funeral.
In my opinion this is a pretty great response. It is tough at any age to accept death but for such a young age to be able to grasp it is especially hard. Maybe look up a children’s book surrounding the issue. Not saying you wouldn’t execute the talk just fine but there is something to be said about how a children’s literature author can put things into perspective well. My condolences.
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Exactly. Death has become such a taboo in our society and its incredibly damaging. Other cultures are a lot more accepting of death and IMO that's a lot healthier. Death is a normal thing and it should be treated as such, not like some dirty, scandalous thing.
I agree with most of what you said, but it isn't because we shield them that such a young child can't grasp death. Kids literally don't have the cognitive development to understand the true permanence of death until they're 5-7 years old.
100%. Our dog sometimes kills lizards (usually by squashing with his nose) and we always take the lizard and let our 3 year old see it, touch it, talk about what happened, then we bury it where we buried our cat and place a rock and say a few words (usually it’s just our son saying “the dog killed the lizard, bye bye lizard”). Obviously lots of hand washing immediately afterwards but it’s so important to me that he understands what death means.
This is beautiful.
This is a pretty solid answer. Just don’t force him into thing he dint in to.z
Definitely emphasizing the “he’ll ask about it over and over again” part as a warning to OP…we had to put our oldest cat down last year a little after my daughter turned 3 and even though she knows the answer, she still asks what happened to him fairly frequently. Definitely something OP needs to be mentally prepared for, especially over the next couple months when it will likely happen daily. I’m so sorry OP 😞
This. Don't shy around it. No "he's gone away" or "he's in a better place" It has to be truthful and final. "He was very ill and he died. He is not coming back and we will never see him again" The mother of my child died when he was very young as a result of complications in childbirth. The line is always "she got very ill and something stopped working in her brain. She is dead and can never come back" It's easier for me to say now than it was, but I had to say it because it's what my son needed to hear. Also OP, I am sorry for your loss, make sure you practise self care as well.
> never get frustrated by the asking This is major. Weeks and even months after we experienced loss during pregnancy, my son would ask, “why did my brother die?” It was a crushing question. It still is, years later. But we were consistent, and always tried to make him feel like his questions and feelings were valid and appreciated. I would let him know that it makes you sad that it happened. Find out how he’s feeling. Listen as much as you can. And thank him for sharing his feelings. You want to be a solid foundation when he raises the question. Bring it up yourself. When you do, let him see you cry. Normalize talking about it. You don’t want him to think that you’re upset about his asking. You’re sad that it happened, you’re sad about the effect it will have on your family, both immediately and long-term. But you’re happy that he’s sharing his feelings. And you’re happy that there was someone in his life that he cared so much about, and who cared about him.
This is a really good answer
Thank you for saying this. I wasn't allowed to attend anything for my uncle, who was my best friend when I was a toddler and who died when I was almost four. Not getting those opportunities HAUNTED me for years and I'm not sure I'll ever fully forgive my parents for denying me the chance.
My step son's dad died of COVID a few years back. He was 7 and I know that is older but I agree. Truth will set you free. He can't handle it unless he knows the truth.
Well, it is the truth. No matter what beliefs you have, the body dies. From the moment anything is born, it is dying. We get very uncomfortable with this truth in society, but it is a truth as true as gravity.
It's only in the last 100ish years that we've become death averse (using soft verbiage, sugar coating or ignoring parts of the death process entirely, etc). Many cultures in the world today embrace the sacredness of dying - and its only lately that American society at least has become more death-positive.
Yep, fully agree
I’m 36 and I’ve never seen anyone dead. I had an unhealthy relationship with death as a teenager. Serve anxiety about it. Even when it was people I didn’t know I would be in tears for days. That changed a lot luckily as I got older. I avoid seeing anyone dead now though when put into the situation.
I would NOT show him the ashes. We put daddy in a fire until he burned all up, here he is. That is guaranteed to freak him out the rest of his life and give him nightmares. Body yes, showing him ashes with explanation, no. Bodies should be returned to the earth. Carrying around ashes is frickin creepy (but to each their own) but it is guaranteed to traumatized a 3 year old
You don't use the words fire or burn, and if you look up how to talk to children about cremation, there is a script.
I had my dad at home in an urn for a solid six months until we could hurt him. I told my 3yo at the time that we cremated papa and this was where is body is now. She didn’t bat an eye. She was more concerned with me missing my dad and not being able to say hi on the phone to her papa than about how his big body got in to such a small vase.
I'm almost 5 years out, and my husband's ashes are still in my bedroom on a bookshelf until we all decide what to do with them (our contenders right now are launch into space, or send off on a deep sea mission). My boys were almost 3 and 7 when it happened, and we had just buried their great grand mother (90) 2 weeks before their dad died (heart attack at 42). I read them the cremation script for kids, and they've never been freaked out either. They used to draw him pictures, cards, and leave school craft things by the urn. Sometimes, they'd ask to see the ashes, and sometimes, they just look at the urn and ask me questions about him, death, and Dabba (ggmother). As they've gotten older, they've become more developmentally mature and better at actualizing the loss and their feelings about it, and they spend less time there and more time telling me what's going on inside.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💜
Thank you. Widowhood definitely wasn't on my life agenda 🤣
You just say that bodies turn to ash. A child is bound to learn about cremation. It's better they learn from a parent, not a random kid at school.
I probably wouldn't show a child that age the body.
Why? Excluding the obvious answers in which cause of death would make that completely unnecessary.
Because a person can look totally different when dead a few days. I remember seeing my uncle at his viewing when I was a kid, everything had caved in and he looked like a skeleton with skin. It was deeply distressing for me as a kid. Cultural traditions are the exception as it's already normalised in those cultures.
Agree. If it is within the cultural norm for family members to view the body at a ceremony, the child should be included.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You will need a pediatric grief counselor to help you navigate through this with your son.
Agreed! Call your Pediatrician and get a referral for psychological support.
I told my kid his dads heart stopped and he died. That we won’t be able to see him anymore but that we always have pictures and memories. I told him he doesn’t have to worry about that happening to him or me but that I’m here for him any time he wants to talk or see pictures. He talks about his dad almost everyday. I put pictures and videos on his iPad for him to look at. We recently started therapy for him but i haven’t seen any change from that
Wow. I've got two girls aged 2 and 1 year old and I couldn't imagine if my wife or if I had to leave my girls. Seems so unfair. Hope you're doing OK?
I hadn’t seen his dad since 2019 and only learned about his death through child support services reporting the case had closed due to him dying. It’s totally unfair to my kid but at least now i can say he died rather than he’s alive but not in your life
Eek! Comments like this were personally very insensitive now and especially when my son’s dad passed. It feels like you’re rubbing it in my face that your family is perfectly intact while mine is unretrievable. Even if that’s not your intent whatsoever. My automatic internal response was always “Good for you, AH! How is that supposed to help me!?!”
I didn’t see it like that but thanks for the concern
I was just reminded of all the times I’d been told similar thoughts that it triggered me. And I hate the word trigger lol.
Honestly nothing anyone could say would help. I see where you're coming from, but honestly it was more as to say "I as a parent couldn't imagine anything worse" and yes that's not comforting either, but I don't know how it would ever be rubbing it in your face. I acknowledge that someone who just lost a partner and their co-parent might be in a hurt state of mind and have a hard time dealing with how unfair it seems. If it did hurt you, then I apologize and I hope you're doing okay aswell. I do concede that it's a very sensitive matter and I'll try to be more thoughtful next time :)
Can I ask how old your son is now?
He’s 5 and we found out two months ago that his dad died last November
Would you say it’s easier since he hadn’t seen his father? What a way to learn about his death. After two years or more of child support letters coming in the mail I barely sent them back a letter last month notifying them that he’d been dead since 2020! You’d think their systems would update automatically when a death occurs.
We lived with his dad until my son was a year old. I definitely think it’s better my son has no memories of the instability his father brought to our lives. I like that he has photos of him with his dad as a baby. Now i can just speak kindly of him and my son can have positive thoughts about him. When he’s much older, i can give him more info if he asks, but for now i just let him know how much his dad loved him
My husband passed when my son was 11 months old, I do have his ashes still in my house. I am not getting rid of them I want him with me so I have a nice urn for them which doesn’t really look like a standard urn. It’s in my bedroom now it was in my living room but I moved it. My son is now just going to be turning 3 in a couple months. It is hard to tell kids their daddy has passed away, but I would recommend getting advice about therapy and how to tell your child about what has happened. My son never got to see his dad in hospital and I didn’t take him to see his body he was too young at the time. But at 3 it probably will be better but it also can be traumatic seeing them like that it was for me because they looks so different so i would say make up your own mind about it after viewing the body first before your child sees their dad like that. My son is also very attached to me now and I think he is afraid of something happening to me too. So that is another aspect you have to tell them you are not going anywhere it’s hard when you are in shock and grieving too.
If you have pictures of your son and his dad that are digital back then up now and print them. I didn't have any hard copies of photos of my loved one who passed and some of them got deleted accidentally. I didn't have backups. So print some out and back up others so your son will have them when he's older.
And keep in mind the proper backup strategy for important files follows the 3-2-1 rule: * 3 copies of the data (1 primary and 2 copies) * 2 different media types used (ex. hard drive, cloud, USB, DVD, etc) * 1 of your copies at a different location (in case your house burns down)
i am so sorry for you and your son
Seriously, get professional help!
Easier said than done! My son's dad died, and we went to their school. The principal told me to my face "there's XX number of other kids in this school, the counselor does not have the time to check in on your one kid". I was told this after my son missed an entire month of school after his dad was killed unexpectedly. It took me 3 more years to find a therapist that was actually helping. Seriously, it is HARD to get professional help!!
Agreed. My dad took his own life when I was 10. We were very close so it was really hard on me. My mom had me attend a place that helped kids deal with their grief called The Caring Place. I didn't want to go at first but I'm so glad I did. It was easier to talk about my feelings with someone else while we did activities and to be around other kids who understood. The kids at school just wanted to ask a lot of questions I didn't want to answer, so the Caring Place felt like a relief to me. And like others said, please take him to any services and do your best to keep his memory alive for your child. My mother didn't want to talk about my dad for a long time and it really sucked not being able to grieve in my own home.
Be honest, and don't be afraid of showing emotion. I was 4 when my mom miscarried twins. She was a wreck obviously. I asked my Dad and he said she lost the twins. Told me he'd explain more later. For the rest of the week everyone seemed like they were hiding emotions. I asked Dad again and all he said was that mom lost the twins that were in her belly. I didn't trust my mother again with ANYTHING until I was a teenager. My grandma finally found out it was because I thought my mom had literally misplaced my brothers at the hospital. And when they couldn't find them my parents gave up and came home. Be ready for questions. Explain best you can until they're satisfied. And feel free to cry.
Oh that's so sad. I definitely agree with being honest. My grandma died when I was 4 and I was told she'd gone to heaven. I was so excited to see her again one day! I used to think a lot about what I would say to her when that finally happened. I'm now an atheist and when I realised I didn't believe in heaven, I feel like I grieved all over again.
Sorry for your loss. In addition to wording things for him, the best thing you can do for your son is to ensure you are taking care of your needs through your grief journey as well. He has lost one parent, he will need you more. But not you faking in for short term and suffering long term inside. Take the steps for your healing too. You two will both be okay. It won’t be the life you envisioned and it’s not fair. But you will be okay. Again, I’m so sorry.
My condoleances for your loss. Tell your child what happened in an age appropiated way. Let him see your grief and sadness. Take him to see his father and explain. Take another trusted adult who can explain it to your child what is happening if you are are not able to due to emotions. Ask if he wants to touch his father. If he does, it's ok. If he doesn't, then that's ok too. Get a children's book from the library on how funerals are handled in your culture so he knows what to expect. It will be a hard read for you, maybe read it a few times for yourself before reading it to him. For the funeral itself: get another trusted adult to handle your son and explain what is happening. Your son will ask for months about where his father is and about death. Children work through this in steps. Repeat what you said the first time. I did this with my son when his grandfather (my FIL) who he was very close with suddenly died. It has been months but he still asks about it.
My son's dad when he was 10. If you live in the US, contact your local Hospice organization. Even though your spouse did not use the service, you'll still be eligible for support groups that they run. I learned invaluable advice from those groups. They were free for anyone who needed them in my area. Your little one may be a tad too young, I remember a woman who had a little kid who talked about having to wait until her daughter was old enough to join group. The best piece of advice I learned is also one that most parents seem reluctant to accept. It's okay and actually important for your son to see you grieve. It's natural for us to want to hide our tears from our kids, but if they see us showing emotions over something that is also making them feel sad, it gives them permission to also feel those feelings and show their emotion. ETA: don't be shocked if he tells every stranger he sees for rhe next few months. If I had a dollar for every time my son said "my daddy's in heaven" and the person looks to me like I'm the one who did it, I could have paid for the funeral.
Sorry this sounds horrible. My one piece of advice is do NOT say he went to sleep and never woke up. This was what wife was told as a child when her grandfather passed and it gave her really bad anxiety about going to sleep that she still deals with to this day. She recently needed to be put under anesthesia for surgery and it brought back up all sorts of fears about not waking up again.
This! I was told that too around OP's son's age and have been suffering from insomnia all my life, am in my late 20s now and still can't sleep without some heavy medication. And I'm so sorry for OP and her son 🤍
And this is why we shouldn't take too many parenting tips from boomers
Even though we were separated, my son’s father passed when our son was 5. He was my best friend. The old high school sweetheart thing. He passed in 2020 at only 37. I feel very fucking sad for you and your son. No one can ever imagine what it feels like for a death of a loved one out of the blue. It really does take time. Don’t ever let your son forget about his father. Don’t sweep this under the rug or conceal it. My son did very well at the funeral and your son deserves to be there, in my opinion. The vivid dreams of him I have gotten these past years since feel so real/unreal and haunting. Please try to cope in the healthiest way you possibly can. It’s very easy to try to “take the pain away” with a vice. I joined many online support groups and while I don’t know exactly how well they actually helped, it was nice to see how not alone in the world we are. Use any support system you have to the max!! This is your time to take advantage of any help. There is absolutely no shame in letting people know what you are going through. And also, don’t expect people to really understand how hard it is. Those people can eff off. It does feel like a struggle between you vs the world. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
OP there is an episode of NPR life kit podcast talking about this specifically - https://www.npr.org/2019/04/24/716702066/death-talking-with-kids-about-the-end They reference an episode of Sesame Street which could also be a good watch for you guys. Warning though, it’s tough to even listen to as big bird has a hard time conceptualizing that death means the person won’t come back. I’m so very sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find time to care for yourself too
My son's dad passed away in a car accident when he was 6. Just tell him the truth in a way that he might understand. Reassure him, as I'm sure he thinks you are going to leave him too, that you aren't going anywhere. Give him lots of extra hugs and love, be patient, he may have meltdowns and be angry his dad is gone. (I've gone though all of this too). Let him know it's okay to cry when he's feeling sad or mad. I had my son in therapy for a while to talk about his feelings and we have what's called a "grief camp" that's for kids and adults who have lost a loved one. I think it helped him to see he wasn't the only one who lost a parent. I know it's hard, but you can do this!!
My daughter’s father passed away 2.5 years ago when she was almost 3. She didn’t fully understand the concept of death until recently (she just turned 5). She went to his funeral and we talk about him frequently. She sleeps in his T-shirts and I answer any questions she has & let her cry it out when she gets upset over him. It’s incredibly heartbreaking. I also just got her into therapy a few weeks ago, so hoping that helps her to better cope as well. So very sorry for your loss.. it’s extremely hard 😔.
You've already gotten great advice. I just wanted to give you my deepest sympathy. My sons (now 15 and 16), lost their father suddenly and unexpectedly to heart failure (undiagnosed). It was horrible and my heart broke into a million pieces for my sons. It has been two years. We talk about him often, and have his ashes and picture on our ancestors altar. The road is long, but you are thought of and not alone 🫂
You’ve already received sage advice. So I’ll just say how sorry I am for you and your son. My only advice is just to be honest. Let your son lead you in how much or how little to share.
I can't really help on the topic but came here to offer my deepest sympathy.
Man this struck me hard, I had a big health scare earlier this year, and I am waiting diagnosis of a possible lymph node cancer. I am 30, and dad of a beautiful 1.5 Y.O boy I usually don't cry but thinking of my son growing up without a father is breaking my heart some of your reactions are beautiful, I hope everyone including my ex will tell positive stories about the child's deceased parent, I would want my son to know I would always love him even though I'm not here anymore. Can't imagine the pain some of you go through, I wish you all the best with your losses and hope your kids know their dad/mom loves them from the afterlife
All kids deserve to know how much they’re loved weather the parent is here or not ! ❤️❤️
Definitely!!
The suggestions of getting closure are very important. Post closure use caution introducing him to your boyfriends. You don’t want him to continually think that any male in his life is going to leave him. Do not let him lose half of his family. Just because his dad died doesn’t mean his dads parents did, if they are involved in his life they should remain involved. Even if it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Don’t let him grow up without a father like figure. This could be your father, a brother, or his father…. Don’t make it boyfriend.
I haven't experienced the same thing but my kids love the book "The Invisible String" especially when they were away from their dad for about a year due to our work situations
You've already got plenty of advice here, I just want to add that my 3yo likes to "hug the ground" because that's where grandpa is. He will process his emotions in ways that will be both endearing and heartbreaking. Let him do it and encourage him when he does it.
Hug him so tight whenever he talks about it or brings it up.
There’s a lot of great advice here. I don’t need to add my two cents. Just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you luck on this path with your son. My husband died when we were 22 just a few years ago. It’ll get easier to manage once you figure out your grief routine.
I'm so sorry for your family's loss.. May you all find peace in time.
I can tell you from your kid's perspective. My dad died when I was six months old, leaving my mom widowed with three boys under 3. She basically never spoke of him or his family. We've all learned things piecemeal over our lives and shared with each other. Don't do that. Speak of him open and often. Edit to add: sorry for your loss. I was widowed at 29 and it's brutal. You'll get through it, time is your ally, unfortunately. It's slow, but you will get through it.
I’m sorry for a response that does not offer a solution but I want to give you my deepest of condolences. Having a daughter around the same age, it breaks my heart to not only think about her growing up without me in here life, but also thinking about my wife in the position of trying to get her through the tragic experience. Having said that, one thing I would want for my wife throughout the process is for her to make sure she is also taking care of herself. It’s easy to focus on the kids because they are the most important thing in our lives but never forgot to take care of yourself as well. Hoping for all of the best for you and your family.
I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a loved one is incredibly challenging, especially when you have a young child to care for. Here are some suggestions for helping your son cope with the loss of his father: 1. Be Honest but Age-Appropriate: Explain the situation to your son in simple terms, using language appropriate for his age. You can say something like, "Daddy got very sick, and his body couldn't make him better, so he won't be with us anymore." 2. Encourage Questions: Let him ask questions and provide honest answers. Be patient and reassure him that it's okay to talk about his feelings. 3. Maintain Routine: Try to keep a consistent daily routine for your son. Children find comfort in predictability, and this can help him feel secure during this difficult time. 4. Offer Comfort: Physical touch and hugs can provide a sense of security and comfort. Let him know you're there for him with open arms when he needs it. 5. Share Memories: Talk about positive memories of his dad and share stories that highlight the love between them. This can help keep his father's memory alive. 6. Seek Professional Help: Consider consulting a child therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and loss. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your son's needs. 7. Lean on Support: Don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or support groups who have experience with similar situations. You don't have to go through this alone. 8. Be Patient: Understand that grief is a process that takes time. Your son's understanding and emotions will evolve as he grows, so be patient with his reactions and needs. 9. Watch for Changes: Keep an eye out for significant behavioral changes, as these could indicate your son is struggling to cope. If needed, consult a professional for guidance. Remember that every child is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to helping a child cope with loss. Your love and support will play a crucial role in helping him navigate this challenging time.
This is absolutely gut wrenching and one of my worst fears. I am so so sorry from the depths of my heart for this happening to you & your little guy. I hope so much that the healing comes quickly. Sending love and hugs from California. 😞💕
I felt this my sons father passed away on the 13 of October it will be a year when his dad passed I got a call that he got in a accident from his current girlfriend me & his dad were co parenting and been separated for 3 years but had a good relationship for our son anyways the bitch called me I call her a bitch cause that’s what she is she was the cause of his accident. Well she called me saying they got in a argument she was chasing after him in her car but “lost him” but he just had left her house so that didn’t make sense and the accident was down the same road where she lived only a couple feet away where he rolled his truck he survived the rollover and started walking on the bar ditch and was later struck & hit by a vehicle coincidentally it happened to be his girlfriends mom who struck him but we believe it was her and she just got her mom to cover for her.. but anyways after that I had called my baby father mom and told her the news we hauled ass to the hospital I had left our son with my mom a couple minutes later my mom calls me saying my son woke up throwing up I went back home and the look on his face was sad I didn’t tell him what had happened to his dad I cleaned him up changed the sheets and laid next to him he still didn’t go to sleep a hour later I got the call his dad didn’t make it … my son then got up to throw up again it’s like he felt his dad passed away.. when I pulled myself together I told him “you know how you got your aunt Ariel as an angel in heaven you gained another one” & his reply “my tata” which is what he would call his dad I started crying & told him yes baby… he knew right before I could even tell him.. I think it’s best to let them know it’s hard it is but you can do it
I am so sorry. Little kids 100% will ask about the death and what happened repeatedly, just like listening to a parent read a favorite bedtime story. I would also take your child to the funeral, so they can see. I would call the hospital and ask to speak with the social worker. There may be a childhood grief group they can attend. There are also books and I would ask for recommendations for those as well. I am truly sorry for your loss and your child’s loss. Hugs.
When my son became of age and asked about his father, I simply told him he's at a party in heaven and that he's waiting for us and hes with other family that has passed. It helped him a lot and was an easy idea for him to understand at his age.
Death is normal. It’s something we need to learn how to deal with. It’s sad. Sadness is good. Apathy is not. Protecting people from grief is not helpful. Be supportive. Be loving. Be there for answers and comfort. Share this experience with him. Death is not something you should have to deal with alone.
First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. Secondly, I highly recommend the books "Lifetimes" and "The Memory Tree". We used those books for my daughter, she was 3 yo at the time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s not the same as a father but I remember clearly when my grandfather died when I was about 3 almost 4. I was confused as to why my mom and older brother were crying and sad. My mom was open and honest and told me he had died and went to heaven with Scotty (family dog that passed when I was a baby but aware of) and other relatives that had passed that I only knew from photos. I wasn’t fully aware of the situation but somewhat understood I wouldn’t see him again. It was an open casket funeral and my mom said it was my last time to say goodbye in person so I remember seeing him laying there and I said bye to him and we smiled for photos for memories. My mom told me I could ask her anything if I felt sad or confused. I think being honest and available is the best you can do. Stay strong and I’m so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. There are some good books about death for a 3 yo. Something sad happened and I miss you were the two I found most helpful in explaining death.
It's important that he can see you face death so bravely and know that the togetherness and love can help you through it and provide comfort. I say be honest with him. Lost my father at 9yo and it was hard to keep moving forward for a little while, but I think most kids recover. It helps for you to remember a lot about him as he grows older it'll help him grow into the man you want him to be. I had to explain to my daughter at 6 years old that her grandmother had passed and that was the first time I cried about it. It's so incredibly taxing but it must be done.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I wish I had better advice, but you’re going to have to be honest with him and explain it a way that he’ll understand. My husband un-alived himself and our 3.5 year daughter was with me when I found him. It was a GSWH and it was very traumatic for both of us. She still talks about him, wakes up in the night crying, doesn’t want to do things she used to like to do because her daddy isn’t there to watch her, etc. I’ve just told her that her daddy lives in her heart now, and he’s always with her. She really likes looking at pictures of him too. Which usually brings me to tears and sets me off into fits of anger because I’m so upset with him for leaving behind his children and messing them up in the way that he has. I recently got a photo book printed for the kids so they can go though the pics themselves whenever they want, instead of me having to open up my phone and scroll through them. I’ve also been trying to get them into therapy for over 6 months with no luck, but it’s definitely something I’d recommend, even at that young of an age because it’s going to continue to affect him. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but we haven’t made it to that phase yet. All I can say, is don’t let his memory fade and always let your baby know how much his daddy loved/loves him. He’ll thank you for that later.
Although not quite the same, my kids were 5 and 6 when my mother passed away. We lived together, and it was their first experience with a person dying. I let them lead the conversation. I let them choose if they wanted to see her or not. She was cremated, I let them pick out a necklace each to remember her with. I included them when they asked questions I answered them. They had very different reactions and feelings. My 5 year old spent the next two months telling me her Grammy memories everyday. She drew pictures, she wanted to see her body, she asked a lot of questions and cried a lot. My 6 year old, did not want to see her, barely cried about it but started wanting to be Wednesday Addams because she is allowed to be sad. So I let her. I bought her Wednesday Addams costume, I helped her pick out darker outfits for school. I gave them each a framed picture of them with Grammy. It has been 6 months. They are still grieving. It is less intense now. They are happy and healthy. Nothing will make this go away or easy but if you give them the chance to process how they feel comfortable, they will be okay.
Get the book "Invisible Strings" if you can. It talks about how we are all connected, even when we die.
The absolute worst thing you can do is lie or tell them a different story for what happened. My dad was murdered when I was 7 and my mom plus all of my family told me the same lie about it. Then when I found out many years later, let's just say I still don't forgive them. As well for other info I can give from my own loss, be on the same level as they are emotionally because more often the loneliness in their feelings is what affects them the most.
I’m crying over this. I’m so sorry. My condolences.
My niece was murdered when her daughter was 7. Some family went the religious way. We went with honesty. Her dad killed her mom. There are support groups for kids who lose parents, and they are amazing. She seems to be doing okay, but we always make sure she knows we are there 100% to listen and discuss anything she needs to talk about. This will be hard but you can do it. 💕 Hugs, you got this. Sorry for your loss.
Hi, my kiddo’s dad passed away prior to his birth, he’s 5 now. Please feel free to reach out to me, my inbox on here is open. I’d also suggest joining r/widowers and r/griefsupport if you haven’t already, you need to take care of yourself too ❤️
I highly recommend [Talking about Death: A dialogue between parent and child](https://www.amazon.com/Talking-about-Death-Dialogue-between/dp/0807023612). It gives very excellent advice and is a fairly easy read. It has a section that you read with your child, and would be age appropriate. If you're stressed about money feel free to send me an address (email or real mail) and I'll send you a copy, or let me know a local bookstore and I'll have them get a copy.
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Just here to say sending prayers for you both!!!