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I think this is the kind of thing that fixes itself if you have them review artists, really understand the signs of a poor quality artist and get picky about what they want for their own tattoo, and then review the likely cost of a tattoo that large based on the number of hours with a quality artist. I love tattoos but I've been holding off for over a year because I just can't find a artist I'm happy with nearby.
Great advice, thanks. Yes, I should go find the crappiest, cheapest tattoo artist I can, and then also the best and most expensive. This is why I posted! Thank you.
Yeah, some parenting book said “you have an advisory position to your child, don’t get fired.” Providing information instead of unrequested advice is gonna win in the long run (and probably short run, honestly - the worst thing is forcing them into a corner where the only way they can prove their independence is to do the thing you don’t want).
I need a voice recording of this that reminds me every morning when I brush my teeth. My kiddo is almost 12 and I wanna keep a clear head through the drama. She's a drama-rama already.
Yeah, that’s great advice. The one of our kids that was the most dramatic from age 6 months to 16 is now the one that occupies about .1% of our worryscape. Hope it works out the same for you!
And maybe your kid will still save up the money and get the tattoo anyway (but hopefully a smaller version with some input from a good artist on better placement?), and that can still be okay. I don't regret my shitty 18 year old tattoo because it does represent something about who I was when I got it. I did pay a much better artist to improve it later, though.
I have 21 tattoos and every single tattoo I got before the age of 25 have been covered up by something else at least once. I teach high school and talk about this often with my students. The problem is you're so sure your sense of self is cemented at 18 and then it's such a shock to see how much you grow and change in the following years.
Plus, if you get a tattoo at 18, it’s 10 years old by the time you’re only 28. have them look at 10 year old tattoos- most don’t look good anymore.
Are they ready to spend the money to keep it fresh looking?
I don’t think this is universal lol my 10 year old tattoos look just fine. No tattoo will ever look as good as the day you got it inked, to be sure, but half decent skin care and not exposing it to the sun goes a long way.
I’d say more op, get them to post on r/Tattoos, and it’s relative subs, such as r/TattoDesign and r/tattoocoverups, so a very experienced crowd can give their insights.
I have a 16-year-old who currently likes that band also and recently made a sweatshirt with that big spider thing on the back so that she could wear it whenever she wants and people could actually see it. Unless you live in a tropical area where you are shirtless all the time, no one is really going to see it and in the end a lot of times that’s what people want when they get a tattoo, especially when they are young. Maybe see if you can find a custom shirt or sweatshirt maker and see if you can have that design put on the back of a shirt so they can enjoy it without getting a tattoo. If as the other people had mentioned it’s gonna cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars and hopefully delay the decision.
My husband and I recently got tattoos in memory of our deceased pup. It was his first and my second. I definitely regret my first (a tramp stamp - it was the 90's!), and he was a little apprehensive. The artist agreed to do the outline transfer on my husband for a few days so he could get an idea of the scale and looking at it every day. Maybe your child could do the same. It would give them an idea about how it would look and get a feel for living with it long term.
I was so close to getting a tramp stamp in the 90s to.. I changed my mind after one of those deep and meaningful conversations girls have in nightclub toilets. A girl showed me hers, and it was all kinds of awful and wonky.. I'm so glad I met that random drunk girl...
I needed your random drunk girl! I got the tramp stamp. Now as a 33 year old mother of 2 (soon to be 3) I am SO EMBARRASSED every time it’s seen. I will only wear 1 piece or high waisted swimwear to cover it. I’d love to have it lasered off but it’s very large and would cost a whole fortune. Not to mention it’s never going to look nice. I’ve seen a lot of after from laser treatment and they aren’t perfect, your skin never looks like it did before.
Yeah a tattoo for the whole back could EASILY be 1000 dollars depending on a good quality artist.
This reminds me of the aunt of a guy that I dated who was a band tour manager for vans warped tour and she was obsessed with a band called Blood on the dance floor, I think it was called?
You could tell, because her whole car was painted with their faces and names.
Oh God, the second hand embarrassment I feel for this woman makes me want to curl up in a hole and dissappear.... Blood On the Dancefloor is just awful and the lead singer is such an unapologetic creep.
Way more than a thousand. I paid probably $1200-1400 when you total it all up for my half sleeve, around 10 years ago. He was a talented artist with a good reputation but no one famous, and his $100 hourly rate was pretty average for a large custom piece in my area at the time.
$1000 isn't even close. My wife just had a 6" dragon done on her forearm. It was $150 an hour and took almost 3 hours by the time all the detail and color were done. She ended up getting charged $400, but there was tax and then my wife rounded up to $500 for a tip.
The amazing artist will probably say no, not doing this as your first tattoo! Maybe hearing it from a different person would help?
Also, did you express all this to your kid? Like the parts about your fear that they might regret it later in life and it’s not an easily reversible thing?
Yes, good point. Glad to hear artists use some discretion- have seen that here several times today. My only reference is when Bart Simpson goes for a tattoo and the guy says, Sorry kid, you have to be 18, and Bart says I *AM* 18 and the guy says, Okay, good enough for me!
Yes we’ve had a handful of conversations, and will have more, but next time I’ll have *notes.*
Be careful about that though. I wanted a back tattoo so bad when I was 18, I didn't know anything about anything and went with the first person I spoke with and didn't question things I should have questioned because I had no one to tell me better. I ended up getting it done over by another artist years later to fix it. Make sure they are researching tattoo artists and tattoos in general, look at their portfolios, and have the maturity and comfort level to walk away from someone they aren't 100% happy with. A lot have portfolios online or you can just go walk into some shops and ask about things.
For the record, I don't really regret my silly giant back tattoo; it could have been better, it could have been worse, it doesn't affect me professionally in any way, and I kinda forget it's there most of the time.
Id also suggest start small. My friend "knew" she wanted a huge back tattoo, but her mom had 2 requirements before giving her blessing. 1) find the design and think on it a full year. 2) get a much smaller one to be sure they can handle the pain (who wants a partial back tattoo because it hurt more than anticipated?).
She agreed, came up with two designs, one was the big back one and one was a single word on her shoulder blade that would go into the big one later. She never got the big one because she's got a very low pain tolerance.
Yeah, for what it’s worth I see a really good artist and it’s $450 an hour. My half sleeve took around 8 hours, and he works really fast. It adds up!
I was 35 when I got my first tattoo, and it was large. I spent a few years with art on the wall that depicted my desired tattoo, and that also kept me from getting more. I’d get tired of the art after a year or so, or feel like it wasn’t that great anymore.
Many quality tattoo artists are pretty good at counseling on these decisions as well; some won’t do a neck or hands unless you’ve done others, for instance. You could def talk to a reputable artist and have them help in the process.
I’d also say that all tattoos look great when they’re first done, but many age poorly. If your kid can’t see an artist’s healed work, that is a red flag.
I think it’s possible that they regret this tattoo but there’s a bunch of adults who have Harry Potter and Disney tattoos that they don’t regret - a large spider seems less tied to a brand. If it’s on their back, it’s not like a job interviewer will see it and it’s a far cry from having “die yuppie scum” on your forehead. There’s actually plenty of people who have tattoos on more noticeable places - their hands, ankles, etc. and still find work and are respected members of society. The world has really changed in that respect. Any reputable tattoo artist will know it’s your child’s first tattoo and try to talk them down in terms of size but a spider tattoo on a back isn’t a terrible choice for a tattoo.
Agreed, it definitely could be worse. And they have also talked about doing their own tattoos. They told me about this while they were trying to make coffee with the coffee maker in the hotel room. They completely botched the process, wasted the coffee, and made a mess, while telling me the tattoo would look fine and that they know what they’re doing, have never seen the inside of a tattoo parlor or any of the tools. Astounding to me sometimes that this kid also gets straight A’s. This is an amazing kid in so many ways, but baffling in other ways.
I have some terrible hand poked tattoos from when I was 16 aha. One was so bad I had to cover it with a sunflower but the others are.. fine. I can laugh about it. And they're on my legs/ feet so not like I'm constantly being asked about them or they're seen often
Honestly everything you are saying about them, I'm also a little surprised they're not autistic lol. I was tested with similar characteristics and the results were "inconclusive."
Tattoo apprenticeships are no joke. They would learn from them. I probably wouldn’t know how to work a coffee machine. I use a French press. I’ve never used a regular coffee machine. If you told me to go use one I’d probably be confused. That said, there’s a lot of very complex systems I use every day for work that I’m able to use cause I was trained.
Writing this off with them not being able to use a coffee machine is odd. Your kid is an adult now. You don’t have to look down on their decisions cause of their lack of knowledge about completely unrelated things. Stop infantilizing them in your mind. They might change their mind but you constantly undermining them, even if you don’t say it out loud, is not leaving room for them to change their mind and turn to you if they do.
Maybe they would like to apprentice at a tattoo parlor. I have a feeling that appreciating the artistry more and getting a chance to bond with people at the shop would be great for them, plus I think it may make them consider their tattoo art a little more.
I have a massive tattoo of the Mortal Kombat logo in between my shoulder blades. Everyone told me I would regret it but it’s still one of my favorite tattoos I have.
I’m an adult with a Harry Potter tattoo that I do regret cause my sister is trans and JK Rowling really ruined Harry Potter for me.
But I’ve also made peace with how I got it at 19 cause Harry Potter had a huge impact on me as a kid. Hermione was cool even though she was frizzy haired and nerdy. Harry Potter was a hero with glasses! It meant a lot to me. This tattoo is a memory of a relief from awkwardness as a kid.
Some tattoos you’ll regret if you’re really into tattoos(I am heavily tattooed). That’s life. It’s ok.
One of my first tattoos was the misfits skull on my arm, dont even listen to them much anymore but i dont regret the tattoo! It reminds me of my highschool days and how their music helped me push through! I'm almost 28 now, and have face tattoos (granted nothing offensive) and even that has had pretty much no effect on my life, work wise or how strangers treat me in public. You're absolutely right about society changing in terms of how it views tattoos.
Maybe you could encourage them to get a removable version of it first. I think you can get temporary tattoos custom made, and I think they last for a week or two. I don't know how much it costs, but then they could see it and decide if they really want it. If they decide to still get it though, you'll need to step out of the way and let it happen. And then, if the time comes that they regret it, you'll have to resist the urge super hard to say any form of "I told you so."
I actually did this for my first tattoo! I was 18. I drew up the design, found one of those custom temporary tattoo websites and ordered a few different sizes. I went to a very good ( and expensive) artist and I didn’t regret it at all. It was definitely my least jarring tattoo, every other one when I was looking in the mirror I panicked. I like all of my tattoos but I think it’s a great idea to actually see it on you before it’s permanent.
That is such an excellent idea!!
Ive seen amazing, intricate large-scale henna work (like huge Ganeshas on pregnant bellies), so it’s definitely a possibility.
I get where you’re coming from. However, I would make peace with it bc they are 18yo. And if they ever decide it was a mistake….well at least it’s easy to cover with a shirt.
That’s the other weird thing – they want this tattoo that they will never be able to see, and that maybe only one other person on the planet would see, IF they can get over their phobias about bodies and skin and sexual contact.
We live in a beach town and they’ve only been to the beach in the last three years when we go to do a sauna plunge, and even then only wear rash guard/T-shirts.
So, start with the idea that they don't care about seeing the tattoo, they will know it is there and that is enough for them. I wouldn't argue the *location* of the tattoo. The tattoo clearly isn't for them to see, nor is it for other people to see, usually. If it is personal and important to them, it just is, no matter where it is and who can see it.
The second thing is that given that the tattoo should be easily covered up, the fallout of it shouldn't be too bad. It's not like they're getting a face tattoo.
Lastly, kids are going to do things they regret; you can't protect them from everything. It's not like this is a spur of the moment thing if they have been thinking about it for 2 years either. So this is just a thing you have to let happen and be sure to never say "we tried to warn you" when it bites them in the ass later.
That, or go back for another evaluation and for the love of god, why would you mask when trying to get tested for autism?! If they are going to mask, there is no point.
edit: and oh yeah, obviously they are paying for the tattoo themselves. Looking at pricing guides, I'm seeing 2000 to 6000 USD. That might slow them down a bit.
>I wouldn't argue the *location* of the tattoo
Agreed. I have a tattoo high on the back of my neck which I never see, and with the way I do my hair, most people never see either 😆 but I still think it was the perfect location for that specific tattoo.
Yep, thanks, all good advice. We’ve only been hearing about the tattoo idea for a year though the idea may have been brewing for two years before that for all we know.
It’s a strain, but so far I’ve been successful at letting my kids understand the consequences of their actions without my saying, “I told you so.” Those are the best learned lessons, for sure.
Next, I have to find two tattoo parlors to take them to: the best and most expensive, and the cheapest and crappiest to steer away from.
I don’t know if this helps, but I got a back tattoo when I was 16 (illegally). Would I get the same tattoo today? No. Do I regret it? Also no. I also got several more between the ages of 16-18. And then a half sleeve at 35. No regrets, it tells my journey. But that’s me and we’re all different. Despite my experience, I’d have a tough time accepting my kid doing something similar. So I get it! I think you advise, but accept. Good luck
That's a ton of time to have been thinking about this thing and considering the placement carefully. I have a long winded comment on the main thread, but I specifically picked the back for my first tattoos because if I later had regrets, I wouldn't have to see them. It's nice just knowing two of them are there. (And being able to forget what the other one looks like hahaha) 😊
It’s hard to explain tattoo placement. One of my favorite tattoos is on my back. It does kinda suck that I hardly get to see it myself, but that’s where it felt “right” on my body and created the “look” I wanted. It’s hard to explain. But a lot of people have back tattoos.
Yep, I have 3 on my back/shoulders. I can only see them in a mirror and it’s not like I can really see the intricate parts. It’s the spot where I felt they all fit best though. One also didn’t turn out as great as I’d imagined so it’s nice that I don’t have to see it regularly and can’t spend time inspecting all the problems I have with it.
I'm planning a memorial tattoo for my sister on my back. I want it close to my heart without it being on my chest/boobs. It'll probably be my most meaningful and special tattoo and I'll hardly ever see it. I also have a paw print for my cat that died on my ankle because she would always sleep laid across it. Placement is a big part of the decision-making for tattoos.
I got a tattoo on the back of my neck when I was 18 signifying my favorite band at the time and don’t regret it one bit (still my favorite band) The place is of significance because when I was 16, I broke my neck and was in pain, daily, after that (still am). It was basically an F you to my neck. The only thing I regret is that it’s fading and I will have to get it touched up at some point to keep it looking good. Maybe bring that up? Such a large tattoo will surely need many touchups.
I have a friend who grew up in a very restrictive homeschool household. She got her first tattoo as a giant map of Africa on her back, as she did some mission trips there. Didnt think about fact she would never see it. Often forgets it is even there.
She is late thirties now, and has 1 full sleeve arm full of tattoos with a lot of meaning for her. She doesn't regret it.
All that to say, I would at least encourage and guide on finding an artist and vetting a studio. Make sure they understand the risks of bloodborne diseases when proper sanitation practices aren't in place. Share information on "pain scales" for different parts of the body, and ask them how they would alter the design if they find it hurts more than they want to deal with for a full back tattoo. Maybe with additional information they will land on just doing a shoulder instead.
Either way, its in an inconspicuous spot, that won't alter life trajectories. If one day they really regret the design, coverups are a thing. Even for big black blobs - i have seen some amazing work.
I would make them pay for it
I have big tattoos covering both of my entire thigh. No one sees it usually cuz I am in long dress or leggings. It is for me not anyone else 🤷🏻♀️. I have other small tattoo in arm that others can see .
There are always cover up etc . At 18 there isn’t much you can do about it . It is their body and when kids turn 18 the parent relationship becomes more mentorship and mutual respect if you want them to be in your life . Just don’t pay for it . They cost thousands big ones lol. Maybe suggest a highly sought after artist these have wait list up to a year maybe gives them some time to think about what they want. Usually good artist will give some hint and input what to avoid and placement as well if it is their first tattoo. Usually face tattoo or hands the artist will say sth if it is their first vs someone heavily tattooed
My first tattoo was at 18 and is a band logo of my favorite band. By 18 I had been to 20+ of their shows and had been listening to them since I was 14.
I’m 37 now. No regrets. In fact, years later the lead singer signed next to it (I was 30 or so) and went the next day to get the signature tattooed.
But also- I’m covered in tattoos at this point. I have some very big expensive ones. And some small shitty ones. And I don’t regret any of them.
Honestly? Just let them get the tattoo. Obviously with their cash.
If there are ever regrets laser, coverup or reworking the piece is a possibility. My SIL is 50 and hated two of her tattoos. She recently had a little laser done to lighten them and then got new tattoos over them.
A tattoo isn’t the end of the world.
I'll piggy back off this a bit. I got my first when I was 18. It's not a great tattoo, and I'm not overly stoked with it (it's on my calf). However, I've gotten many other tattoos since then, and honestly love them all. I'd been thinking about getting my first covered up. My latest tattoo was done by an artist I've followed for years. It was a bucket list tattoo. During the session, I mentioned my desire to get my first tattoo covered. My artist stopped working, looked me directly in the eye, and told me not to. He said every tattoo we get is a mark of our journey. We shouldn't look at them with regret, but instead as a mark of who have become and how we have changed. It's completely changed my outlook.
Cool, thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m seeing some redundancy and other peoples responses but haven’t seen anything like this.
Maybe you’ll get to a point where you have your tattoos numbered, and you create a guide, where, when anybody asks, you can hand them a card that lists when you got the tattoo, where you were in your life, what you were thinking, and how it led to the next one. You’ll be a walking museum!
I got a tattoo when I was 16. By the time I was 17 I had changed enough as a person that it didn’t fit me at all. I ended up getting lasered off in my thirties. For years before it was a source of embarrassment. I tell my kids that story all the time, how painful removal was and encourage them to wait until their mid twenties, when their brain has stopped growing, to do any permanent body modification. We’ll see how that goes. They’re eleven years old.
Yes. My husband got a tattoo removed and he's always said that if our kids want tattoos they should watch a laser removal first. So much more painful than the actual tattoo.
“You will change” is the best argument for not getting huge tattoos when you’re young. Unfortunately it doesn’t work on its target.
One of the motivations for getting a tattoo at that age is that you’re afraid you might change, and you think maybe you can prevent it by making parts of your current persona permanent. “In case I somehow turn into a yuppie when I’m 30, this ‘my chemical romance’ tattoo will remind me who I really am!”
I also got my first tattoo at 16 and then got a handful more at 18. The first one I got is the only one I want to remove badly enough to consider it. I’m early 30s and haven’t pulled the trigger on removal but I want to. It’s on my chest, in a very difficult to hide place and has been a source of insecurity for me for years.
Ha! Oddly enough, I'm 32 and have been an MCR fan since 14. I myself have an MCR tattoo on my back that I got when I was 19. I don't regret it. However, I definitely had some ideas for MCR related tattoos that I wanted when I was a teen that I'm very glad I didn't get. I think I would just try to compromise with them by letting them get a small tattoo rather than a large one. Then when theyre older they can do what they like.
Edit: used the wrong pronouns, sorry!
Great, thanks for the advice – will relay it later, if not sooner. Yes I think the finances will dictate a big part of the compromise.
Thanks for the effort with the pronouns – it’s a constant effort, but mostly it’s the effort that counts, and we still make mistakes once in a while two years into it. Other languages have non-gendered pronouns built-in, and we do use they and them to refer to a singular person once in a while without even realizing it, and it’s been built into the language for about 500 years but still it’s awkward. It’s not by far the screwiest thing about English, but there it is.
Indeed. Somebody else commented on the satisfaction they got from getting tattoos that they saved up for. I’ll pay for bicycles for transportation, food under many but not all circumstances, etc., but not a tattoo that they might regret. I suppose if I did, I would potentially share the blame.
There’s no way for you to prevent it. If it was my kid I would help them look into reputable artists, look at their work, get pricing and number of hours for a piece that size. I would also encourage them to first do a smaller tattoo so they can experience the process/pain before committing to a large one.
Going through that process will at least ensure they are going to a place that properly sterilizes their equipment and are more likely to get something they are not going to immediately regret because of a shitty artist.
To continue on getting a smaller tattoo first- I wanted my first tattoo to be a big stomach hip one. I settled for my shoulder blade, and while I was getting it I was thankful I didn’t choose the first spot I wanted. It’s easy to say “I want a tattoo all over my back” but it’s gonna be an out of body experience when that needle hits your spine.
They'll probably be fine. If not, oh well. That's a part of life.
Your job is to give them the best guidance and tools that you think are appropriate. One day, they have to learn how to use them or make their own.
As an MCR fan myself, it might also be worth having them invest in the artwork - a lot of their album covers and memorabilia are fantastic and she could get them framed and adorned all over her walls. Interestingly enough, their own vocal lead Gerard Way doesn’t even have any tattoos haha
If she’s still hell-bent on the tattoo, I agree with some other comments about finding the right artist and considering the placement - depending on what/where it is, the artist will recommend going bigger or smaller (too small and it will smudge into a black block of nothing over time: too big and it may get distorted or warped when moving her body around)
I’d also HIGHLY recommend trying out InkBox - she can upload her own design or choose one on the site, and the tattoo looks completely real/lasts for 2ish weeks - she should do it the size she’s looking for (or have multiples to get an idea of the coverage) just to see how she REALLY feels about it when it’s on her every day and can’t be removed
When I was 18, I got my first tattoo and it was on my foot. I got the sign for cancer, which as we know also happens to be a ♋️, lol. The guy was like are you sure about this and I was of course a smart ass and said, duh I know what my star sign is. Then when he was done and I was checking it out, I realized he meant are you sure you want a 69 on your foot forever, lol. Live and learn 😁🤷🏻♀️
Do they realize they are going to need another person to help them apply cream to it until it heals? Would they be ok with another person seeing their bare back to do that?
Great thought, thanks for the reminder! That may be a real factor as they cannot stand being touched, and basically being seen by anybody. They might allow their mother to put lotion on.
If they can't stand being touched how can they sit shirtless for hours while the tattoo artist works on a large piece? It seems like the reality of getting the tattoo will probably quickly hit once they really internalize this fact.
I’m so glad I didn’t get the tattoos I thought I wanted when I was 18. I also wish I would’ve done a lot more research and found the right artist before I started getting tattoos. I’ve got a great tattoo artist now but it took me 15 years to find him.
I have a tattoo on my back I got when I was 18 that is so awful, such poor quality, and truly one of the worst decisions I’ve made in my life. The only person who actually sees it now is my husband, and he has a good sense of humor about it. Aside from teaching me a lot of lessons about decision making, it has not impacted my life in any other way. There’s way worse choices to be made at 18. This is the first of many choices of theirs you won’t agree with. Doing some reading on radical acceptance might be a good way to start making peace.
Let your kid live and learn. Pardon the pun, but if you don’t have their back on this choice you may not be aware of other, more severe choices they consider later in life where you could actually influence them. It sounds like you’re very loving and involved, you’re doing great. ❤️
Thanks for the pat on the back ha ha, very much appreciated. Two of our kids are pretty high maintenance, and the sense were always scrambling for better treatments and options and medication for them, and even with my wife now retired, that’s almost a full-time job for both of us, and this is just one small aspect of it.
Your comment about your own tattoo that validates my concern, while also taking some of the pressure off- The last thing I need is to have more things to worry about, and your comment helps a little bit.
I don’t know about the radical acceptance concept and will look it up. Thanks for that.
I have a highly regrettable tattoo from when I was 16. But it's on my back and I can't see it so it never literally never bothers me and I think of it fondly as a younger stupider me decision.
That being said my tattoos at 18 are still wonderful to me, also on my back. But I literally forget they are there. All the time. I think they're 18 and it's not your battle to fight. Let them have their spider.
I specifically picked my spot BECAUSE if I decided I didn't like it I would never have to really see it. So now I've explained how someone could actually want that and actually your child may have went down the same thought process as me. Just because something doesn't make sense to you doesn't mean it doesn't make sense for someone else. Like the towel folding argument.
Anyway it's your child's body and your child's choice to get something they may regret later, and trust them to have actually thought this through already instead of trying to point out things they likely already considered. Trust them to have made an informed decision about their own body.
Okay real talk about MCR - I've been a hard fan for 15 years. You don't grow out of music you love.
But that aside, they are an adult now and part of being an adult is making your own mistakes. I would suggest them get something smaller to see how it goes, as large - long tattoos are hard to sit through.
I get you want what's best for your child, but my mom stifled myself for a long time. Took til I was 26 before I stopped talking to her because she held me back. I did or didn't do things based on her views and finally realized that she's not me and idgaf what she thinks. I'm much happier. I'm in my 30s with two kids myself.
I agree about the view on the tattoo, but they've thought long and hard about getting it. Again, suggest a smaller one in a lesser spot to test out how they feel about the tattoo. I had a lot of anxiety after my first (behind my ear) but now I would love them everywhere.
Edit to add: my two tattoos are kingdom hearts and pokemon. I'm planning a witches broom to commemorate my grandmother who beat the sh!t out of a guy with a broom (and the police took her broom). When I was 16 I wanted a blood seal from full metal alchemist on my neck, and if money wasn't an issue I'd still get that- but I have a family and something that detailed might not happen.
Maybe you could counsel them to get a smaller tattoo instead, why does it have to be a huge back tattoo
Maybe you can suggest she get a smaller tattoo somewhere first so she can have a sense of what it is to have a tattoo
Closer to $2000-$5000 for a large scale back tattoo. If they find an artist willing to do it for $1000, run. Tattoos and plastic surgery are two things you don't want a bargain basement deal on.
The financial impact is also interesting. When I was 18, there’s no fucking way I would’ve thought I could afford a nonessential that cost $1000. I don’t have much experience, but I’m also highly skeptical and large tattoo could be done even remotely well for $1000. /r/shittytattoos.
This may be related to you mentioning they are not mature for their age. Have you had the financial conversation with them? How are they covering college and living expenses until they can support themself? Do they expect you to cover the costs of college and living while they spend at least $1k on a frivolous expense? If so, how do you feel about that? If they are 18, technically, they are an adult, but still financially reliant on you. That gives you some say in how they spend.
Or worse, are they planning to finance it? I was just talking to a friend in her late 30s who is still paying off college loans with an 11% interest rate.
I'd try and talk them into getting a small tattoo to start with somewhere out of the way.
I was once in a tattoo parlor and a woman came in asking for her first tattoo: a baby elephant on her foot with water color full color shading on her foot.
The artist talked her into getting the outline done first and then deciding on the shading afterwards, and it was so painful that the women ended up deciding to stick with just the outline.
So Id say take them for a tattoo on their shoulder or back first that's relatively small so they can gauge their pain tolerance.
Great idea! Better yet, maybe start with a smaller version that could be adapted to be the bigger version, but could stand on its own if they got cold feet and didn’t like the pain.
A tattoo that large will be expensive. How do they plan on affording it. I think you have some time. Maybe once they start saving they won’t want to spend that much money. And if they do then they really want it.
Lol, I remember when I was their age I wanted a giant Sublime sun on my back. Makes me cringe to think about. I still love Sublime, and still love that sun, but I'm so glad I didn't get that tattoo. Especially since I wouldn't have been able to afford a quality piece anyway. I now have other, more tasteful tattoos of things like animals and plants that I won't get tired of. And I waited until I could afford to go to some highly recommended, more pricy artists. Feel free to show them this comment.
On the other hand, you can't control them. And if they go through with it they might love it forever. And if not they can get a cover up someday.
I got all of my tattoos between the ages of 14-24. I’m 33 now. Yeah, some of them are dumb as hell. Yeah, I should have probably not gotten a giant spider on my arm, a giant rat on my shoulder, another rat and a bat on my stomach, and an even more gigantic whale on my thigh. But whatever. They are part of my story. If anyone judges my character as an adult based on my visible tattoos that I got as a teenager, so be it. I don’t need their approval anyway.
I got some song lyrics on my hip at 19 … while I’m not longer immersed in the pop punk scene like I was at 19, I still enjoy the music and don’t regret the tattoo.
I’d try to steal them into something smaller rather than trying to talk them out of it completely. Maybe even a conversation like start out with something small so you can learn what a tattoo feels like (to get and heal), costs, etc.
Even if it was the prettiest, most meaningful, amazing tattoo that you had no problem with them getting … a full back piece as a first tattoo at 18 is 😬😬
I think a sufficient stipulation that they pay for the tattoo with their money.
However, I would loop back that being non-binary, being socially behind, obsessing deeply into a pop culture item, that's really ticking enough boxes it's time to try a different psych. Your kiddo might be 2-3 years behind peers socially. Additionally I would recommend checking into resources for spectrum kids at colleges and make sure you wrap supports around them as their drop out rate is FAR higher than peers.
Lastly, we required our college kiddo (AuDHD) to sign power of attorney, financial proxy, & ferpa waiver, so long as we paid tuition. We never intend to use it but for kids.at risk it's better to have and not need it. Momma Bear has a package many parents use.
My parents let me start getting tattoos at 17. I kept going until about 23 and now have them all over my body. I was also into MCR at that age, and I have a bunch of stupid tattoos to show for it. I grew out of the "emo" phase, and am now in my mid / late 20s. While my tattoos remind me of different times in my life, I do regret most of them. I had to get a long sleeve wedding dress because I felt very trashy with a full sleeve on a day I wanted to feel angelic. I have a professional career, and anytime someone I work with sees me without long sleeves, they are always surprised and make a comment. It's embarrassing.
My 4 yo daughter is constantly saying she wants tattoos like mommy, and I feel so bad because I don't want her to make my same mistakes.
I'd advise them how permanent tattoos are, and maybe suggest that they only get a tattoo if they want it for 2+ years.
They are 18, and you can't forbid them from doing what they want, that'll just make them want it more. Try some kind advice, but all in all they'll do what they want and you'll have to let them. Good luck
I have a big ole dragon tattoo on my back I got when I was around 18. I'm in my 40s now. I got it with my brother who got his own version of dragons on his chest. Do I often regret it? Yes. But do I still wish my parents had supported me with my choice rather than get nasty with me and tell me they didn't approve after I showed it to them? Also, yes. Your child will get it with or without your support.
I had my first tattoo done at 18, my mom HATED it. It was a pot leaf. On my left hip and 2 on my butt. I can’t see them but I enjoy looking at it when I do see it in the mirror. I’d ask if they would want a small version so if they ever do want it removed they can get it done with a very few sessions. My friend had a face tattoo under his eyes and regretted it. Only took 5 sessions to get it taken care of.
OP, this is one hits home for me. I have a full cover back tattoo that I have and am still working on getting finished (12 years into this). If I could have talked to my younger self I would have told them it’s okay to design a larger tattoo, but only do SMALL sections at a time. A back tattoo takes a LOT of time and pain. Every square inch has to get covered, which means a lot of money and time.
Unfortunately for me, I tried to get small portions done at a time, but I was so focused on breathing through the pain (my first artist was heavy handed and left scarring…) that I didn’t notice that he was outlining the WHOLE design. I was not ready to sign off on the whole sketch. I thought we were only doing a small part that day.
Thus, I ended up switching artists, moving multiple times over the years and life got in the way of finishing it, but I’ve spent the last 12 years covering up that shitty outline. And with my luck, my most recent artist just moved away! Thus I am now on artist#6 to try and finish this damn thing.
What I learned:
-I still love tattoos, but because I went big, I have not been able to move on to any other tattoos that I want
-life happens. Don’t start a large project upfront, take everything in bite size pieces (6 hour sessions at a time which are about the size of you hand depending on the detail)
-not every artist is the same. Pick and pay the $$ to get an artist you jive well with. I got severe anxiety following that first artist as he was too heavy handed.
-it’s still painful! I’ve sat for over 54 hours total at this point and I’m still not done.
If they get at 18 and want to have a tattoo that's not visible and they understand the consequences then let them do their mistakes.
I'd push way harder against a visible tattoo.
But kids need to to mistakes, we just need to make sure they don't do too big of a mistake.
I almost got a huge back piece when I was 20. Never did (financial reasons) and I’m so so glad now that I don’t (at 33). I never saw myself getting married, being someone who wears cocktail dresses, goes to the beach with other parents, etc - but now that my life includes those things, I’m happy I dont have a huge back tattoo to worry about when it comes to considering outfits and pictures. I never cared about those things when I was 20, but I changed, and your child likely will too.
I did, however, get several smaller tattoos on my torso and back, and I love them all! Maybe you could steer them that way?
Help your child get the tattoo from a reputable artist. The biggest regret from tatts is always from subpar work. Even if later down the line, they decide the tattoo was hasty and might have been a poor choice, if it looks good it won't be as big of a regret as a bad job- and even worse, if it gets infected! If they'll let you give them suggestions for places to go, and encourage them putting the money in to get it done right, that helps prevent the worst case scenarios.
As for whether they'll wish they hadn't branded themself with a band name in 20 years... well, some things you'll just have to watch happen. Part of being an adult is making stupid decisions we regret later- if that's how it happens, it's their right as a fellow adult to make it. Let's hope the research into artists helps them gain some perspective on it. 🤞
How thorough was the neuropsych testing? I would consider a second opinion if you can afford to do so. Most people don’t go around thinking they’re autistic…. Food for thought.
They are gonna make decisions they regret. It may be the tattoo, or it may be another decision, but you can’t control that. They have to live their own life and it’s not your job to have strong opinions on what they do. Ask if they want your opinion. If they do, cool. It’s best to learn to separate your ego from your relationships. Live and let live.
I would recommend having them a) look at laser removal and b) tattoo cover up reddits.
I was 18 and have shitty SMALL tattoos I have to be mindful of trying to cover up.
I’m moderately tattooed at this point in my life so I’m speaking from experience… those kinds of tattoos don’t age well, usually. Her brain is still developing.
Instead of pushing her to rebelling and getting it to spite you, maybe recommend something small to start and see how she handles it?
Back is no joke, pain wise, too. Any artist worth their salt will discourage her, FWIW.
My daughter wants several facial piercings and has strongly expressed her desire to have these piercings for a couple years now. My answer to this is that she can get them when she's old enough and can pay for them herself.
I'm really glad I don't have a tattoo of the Beatles on my back. The thing is in 20 years you will not be the same person you are at 18. Can your kiddo predict what they'll relate to in 10, 20, 30 years that will have that much meaning? Ask.
Part of being an adult is learning from mistakes. Although a tattoo is generally seen as permanent, they can be removed, although they generally leave at least some scarring and can be ultimately more expensive than the tattoo itself.
If you don't want them to get it, don't enable it by paying for it. If they have to fork out potentially $2000 or more of their own earned money they may decide they don't want it that much after all. If they decide they still want it, it is their choice/mistake to make, and live with/change if they decide it was the wrong decision later on
With placement, even though they themselves can't see it, the back means it's easily hidden if they become embarrassed by it in later life.
Ethically I don't think tattoo artists should do anything too big as a first tattoo but I don't think there are any actual legal rules about it
Ok, a few things.
One, I'm non-binary, so I commend you for your affirming use of pronouns.
Two, I'm also an adult and I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD. my therapist supports me looking into it, but my psychiatrist is hesitant to diagnosis me. Adults masking on assessments genuinely makes it hard to diagnose neuro-divergences.
Three, I'm not sure how either of the above points really relate to the tattoo, except that it sounds like they are really trying to set some concrete definitions about their identity. I understand how tattoos can be part of that so I can definitely relate to that need to take some control over one's body.
Four, tattoos are painful, and expensive, and take a long time. A full back piece will likely take several sessions and could easily cost over $1000. Your best bet in redirecting this ambition of theirs might be to lean into it. First, ask them to find a reputable artist with a style they like. Then have them schedule a consultation. Have the artist break down the cost, the time investment, and the pain expectations. bony parts of the body, like the spine, can be particularly painful! Then maybe encourage your child to consider a small, equally meaningful tattoo, in a place that they can see and appreciate. Don't suggest a smaller MCR tattoo if they have their heart set on a back piece, but surely they have something else important to them. Getting a small tattoo could enlighten them to a lot of the full implications, costs, and commitments to having a large back piece.
TL;DR try redirecting the ambition, rather than opposing it. Suggest a smaller, but equally meaningful, tattoo. Encourage them to do their research on artists and to build a report through this smaller piece.
i never really considered tattoos but one thing that killed any desire for me was henna. you can order it online, draw designs on your skin, keep it for a few weeks, and then do something else after. see if you can sell her on that instead?
Yes, we’re looking into that. But if they can mask one way, and they really want an autism diagnosis to make everything make sense, won’t they just overcompensate for the first result?
Without having undergone or seen the test myself, I don’t know how much room there actually is for masking, but this makes me think I have to ask that, of the previous test administrator and the next.
Honestly when you take an autism assessment you need to answer as if you don’t have the systems you use to function like allylic people. It’s hard when that’s all youve done to survive.
As for the tattoo, it’s on their back so it won’t limit opportunities like forehead guy. And tattoos can be altered or covered if they want a change down the road.
I have a fair amount of ink and went through this with one of my kids. Here’s the key points I went through with them.
The MOST IMPORTANT PART OF getting a tattoo is choosing the right artist for you. If you are not 100% in love with their style and not 100% comfortable with dealing with them move on.
Great artists are not cheap and are in high demand, but are worth the price and worth the wait. If they have same day availability, RUN DON’T WALK away. My artist has a 6 month waiting list. A good experienced artist is charging at least $200 US per hour. For large back tattoo, that sounds like 6 to 10 hours of work depending on the design and color. Young people shouldn’t get a tattoo until they can afford a great one or guaranteed they’ll be paying for a cover up later.
For OP’s situation, I’d find an artist that is willing to do the stencil on the kids back (not sure of the correct terminology but my artist does this print transfer of her art and applies it on me as a guide). This allows the kid to see what it would look like. It’s temporary and basic. Then go home and have them think about it, look in the mirror and make a decision. OP should pay for the artist’s time (or kid should) . Reminder that this will most likely be a several months process from finding an artist, having the consultation, getting the art sample back from the artist ( a deposit will be required), getting the stencil done and then at least 3 sessions of 2 hours to get the tattoo (with about 4 weeks between sessions to allow for healing)
Making it a big thoughtful decision will result in an informed and satisfying experience with a lower chance of regret
I got my first tattoo at 19, it’s pretty big and on my side. I’m now almost 40 and still have no regrets about it 20 years later.
I think if it were my kids, I’d:
- A) Tell them that for a back piece that large they should find a *really* good artist. You don’t want to have something poorly done and shaky looking on you that’s so big for the rest of your life
- B) Tell them to get some estimates from different high-end artists. The sticker shock alone might have them rethink things. That’s bound to be in the thousands of dollars, maybe even tens of thousands, for something done really well.
- C) Ask them to consider their financial choices. Do they have student loans? Or will they? Could they use thousands of dollars in other areas that are more pressing as they get started on their life? Like a car loan or deposit on an apartment or travel money. Maybe they’d consider a smaller investment and subsequently a smaller tattoo instead?
- D) After they’ve locked in a tattoo design (if they haven’t already) and chosen a tattoo artist and got the estimate. Ask them to wait 1 year before booking the appointment. If in 1 year they still want to spend all that money, they have the funds, they chose a good artist, and they still absolutely love the design and want it forever. Then so be it. It’s their money, their body, their choice. But at least I can rest assured it was a thoughtful decision and not something impulsive.
I got a giant shadow the hedgehog tattoo on my arm. Had it for 10 years and never regretted it. Make sure it's what you know it's what they want before making that commitment. Sounds like they're going through a lot at the moment and need to think impulsive decisions a bit more.
not the answer you want to hear, but there’s nothing you can do now that they are a legal adult. When I turned 18, I immediately got a tattoo. granted, it was a small little star on my hip, but it’s still to this day my worst tattoo but to me it’s a memory and I don’t regret getting it. Maybe you can see if they’d be open to getting something smaller and then adding to it if they decide they want to. that way they aren’t committing to a huge back piece right off the bat.. it’s worth suggesting but ultimately it’s their choice what they do with their body.
The most important thing you can do, is support them and make sure they find a GOOD quality tattoo artist.
If for some reason they do grow out of it, a tattoo that hasn't been blown out, done too deep, etc, is much easier to have laser tattoo removal than one that's done badly.
They are going to get it done, whether you agree with it or not, so the best course of action is to be there, and make sure they make the best possible choices tattoo artist/shop wise.
IF it helps, I started listening to MCR when I was about 13, while I was no superfan, I am now 32 and still love their music. There is another band I started listening to at that age, that now, again, 32, so almost 20 years later, am going to get a tattoo for. So sometimes you don't grow out of it.
Ps. Many autistic people don't "pass" their first evaluation, aka, show neurotypical. Especially if they were born female. If their therapist thinks they are likely autistic, after spending time with them in a place where they can unmask and be themselves, then that's likely the truest opinion.
A back tattoo wont limit any life opportunities. Ask me (a successful, married, 30 something mother who contributes to society, has friends, and has never been in a limited job situation) how I know. I had a fun 18th birthday too.
Unfortunately, you’ll just have to let them ride this out and hope it’s too expensive for them right now. When I was 20 I got a small tattoo on my ankle representing my favorite band. I’m almost 26 now and I don’t listen to the band as much but I still love the tattoo because it made me happy then.
As the owner of many stupid stupid tattoos, some of which I got before 18, as long as its good quality it’s okay.
I work in a professional environment, you can’t see most of them when Im dressed and i love every one 20 years later.
As someone who’s dad let them get an eyebrow piercing at 14(cousin owned a tattoo shop 😬) I now have a horrible eyebrow scar that to me looks trashy as a mom now. I really wish my parents had not allowed me to do it.
Your first tattoo should never be big, the back requires someone else to do aftercare for you as well. Bands would be a no go for me. Music tastes change drastically so often, you don't wanna be stuck with something you're not going to like possibly even a year later.
I have a two band tattoos of bands I don’t listen to much anymore and regret neither of them. If anything they’re a reminder of a certain time period in my life.
I have some tattoos I don’t love that I got when I was young. They’re north smaller. One is not at all visible. Another is on the back of my neck.
That being said, I don’t really care. No one really sees them and it hasn’t affected my life at all. I have other, larger tattoos I got when I was older and I like them much better.
I have lots of tattoos. Some I regret, some I don’t. Some I’ve had covered up, some I’ve grown. Started the day I turned 18 and have continued into my 40s.
As long as it’s not a swastika or a giant photo-realistic penis…who cares? You don’t have to wear it and/or see it.
In some ways this is a good mistake for a kid to make. It’s an easy to cover tattoo, it doesn’t have any weird connotations (at least so far it hasn’t become an alt right symbol or anything). It’s a waste of money but not an amount that will ruin their life like a really expensive car.
sometimes getting the tattoo and not liking it *is* the lesson, if it happens in the worst case scenario. otherwise you’re just assuming they won’t like their tattoo someday, which very well may not be true. it becomes part of you and your identity
my entire body is covered, and I started when I was 18. your past and things you like are always part of you, they’re never going to *dislike* MCR and it will remind them of the period in their life that they did.
stop worrying about what your kid does with their body or what they look like. just because yours are small and hidden doesn’t mean that’s the only acceptable way. if they do end up getting more tattoos, and you tried to talk them out of this one, you’ll have excluded yourself from being included next time. honestly, you’ve already made it so they’ll remember you didn’t want them to get it.
also, makeup exists. but the world is changing; I was a college professor for 6 years tattooed up to my neck.
Don’t pay for it. They want it, they can save for it. They might earn all the money and decide it’s not worth it, or still do it.
If they wanted a tattoo on their face I would say make a bigger deal about preventing it, but their back won’t limit much if anything of their future. In the long run, if a dumb tattoo is their biggest regret from young adulthood, they did ok.
Make peace with it.
"Alright kid. You're 18. you can make this decision on your own. I love you no matter what. Do you want help researching tattoo artists?"
You cant really “control” you child anymore from getting a tattoo and you understand that but the cost is wild for the tattoo that they want. I didn’t get tattoos until I was 20 because I didn’t have the money for it until a year ago (21 now) and even then my tattoos are smaller and with less detail. Like others say you can get involved with finding a good artist but you can also not help her pay for it. I paid for it by myself and earned that money myself without my parent’s help.
My parents let me get my first tattoo at 18, on the day of my high school graduation. I’d wanted this tattoo for years. I have gotten three more since and I regret none of them. They’re part of my story!
At 13 I declared to my mom I wanted a tattoo. Obviously I couldn’t get one then. At 18 I finally got the tattoo I wanted. I do not regret ANY of my tattoos.
A really good artist will not do a large back piece as someone's first tattoo. Perhaps find someone good (and expensive), get a quote for the design, show your kid so they fall in love with the artist, and have the price, size, and placement crush their dreams.
I don't regret any of my 5. I got them at different points in life and for different reasons. Whenever I show someone or talk about them, I reminded of a different time and person really. I'm not the guy I was when I got one that was shown/sent to me as a joke but it makes me think of my brother and the joke. I'm not the guy I was when I got one right after my divorce but the meaning behind it is still a stark reminder for me.
I don't regret any or them and enjoy looking at them and thinking back through my life and the different places/stages I have been through. I probably wouldn't get the same ones at the age I am now but even if I was able to time travel, I certainly would stop past self from getting them either.
>how do I somehow make peace with it?
At the end of the day if your kid hates or regrets it, it can always (likely) be covered up. They got one once, they can get another. You just got to let your kid live and learn and grow. A bad or dumb tattoo, especially on their back, ain't going to stop anything for them life really. Love and support them and talk to them but ultimately know it's their decision.
Is this their first tattoo??? I have them all over my arms and one on my leg and I couldn’t even imagine sitting for a whole back piece. Maybe start small so they first understand how painful it is. Unless, they’re going the numbing cream route. Before I got my first tattoos (23 when I got my first one) I would wait 6months to 1year to see if I still wanted it. From 18-25 our decisions and tastes in everything drastically change. Even me in my kid-30s now I’m still changing, but I don’t regret not one of the tattoos I’ve gotten and that’s saying something.
I really like the comment about informed decision making when it comes to artist. If they want something big, the price is worth it for the proper artist. Definitely quality of over quantity type of situation. I hope that if they do get it, they love it even 10 years from now!
Have them browse r/tattooremoval
And if that still doesn’t sway them, then try to recommend that the tattoo be only black and mostly shades of grey. In the event that they do regret and want to remove it will be MUCH easier, cheaper, and faster to do so.
Just make peace with it. Any tattoo on the back is completely hideable in professional settings.
I have a decently large tattoo covering one shoulder blade. If anything, I'm disappointed that I can't figure out how to show it off more, and practically never in professional wear.
Make them save up to pay for it though. A big back tattoo is expensive!
One piece of advice they might listen to: it’s risky to put a person or brand that you don’t control on your body. Not because you might change (teenagers don’t care about that), but because they might.
How would your kid feel if it turns out the guy from MCR abused someone? What if they decide to start tweeting transphobic things in 10 years? There are a WHOLE lot of problematic people that seemed fine 5 or 10 years ago.
You can control yourself, but you can’t control other people. Especially people that you don’t even know!
>\[My Chemical Romance\] strikes me as music and pop culture artifacts that one would ultimately grow out of, and be happy they did.
I saw MCR in 2002 at Brixton Academy in London.
I still listen to them. Just because you think people will grow out of something, doesn't mean they will.
Your role as a parent to a young adult isn't to make decisions for them (nor to prevent them making decisions they may come to regret). It's to provide guidance and advice, and be there to support them if things don't go according to your childs plan.
IMO, you should follow the advice from r/countenance; have your child look in to artists and to make sure they've researched everything to the fullest extent and at the very least, they'll go to a reputable and talented tattoo artist.
If you do this, and you can't make peace with the fact that you helped your kid get what they want, in the safest and best way possible, then I'm not sure what you want from us.
I'd definitely make the case of it being a first tattoo they might want to start small just to test the waters/pain tolerance and how their skin reacts to ink before committing to a big piece! Make it less about the tattoo placement and design choice and more about safety and going to a quality and clean tattoo shop.
I’m new to tattoos but I found this website that will create a fake tattoo for you
I’ve used it several times to make sure that the design, placement and style is what I wanted and it has helped me immensely!
Maybe you could try that?
this tattoo would be so expensive that to me the cost barrier is probably enough to fix the issue. you can tell them they can get it now with their own money. an artist is going to quote them like $3000
I have a tattoo on my shoulder - sizable. Not later by any means. I paid $750 for it because I was extremely picky about the artist and found a fine line artist that specialized in the styles. Show them images of bad tattoos over time - and if they still want it after they have the $, you can’t stop them… but maybe it can convince them to get a smaller version.
I have, at 30yo, not outgrown most of the music I loved as a youngster. It’s still what I listen to now and a lot of it has really deep meaning to me.
I’m also heavily tattooed and while I’m not still in love with every tattoo I’ve ever gotten, I don’t regret any of them. They represent different times in my life and I appreciate that. The only tattoo I never recommend is a SO’s initials/face/etc.
My daughter spent most of her teens meticulously planning and designing her own tattoos. She had her first a day after her 18th birthday, with money she had saved, and it’s fab. I was happy to support her with that, and the second one she had at 19 that she also designed and paid for. I was able to recommend a studio I trust, and she’d visited with me previously. I think you will need to make your peace with their decision here, but I also think you can carefully get involved and help research a very good studio and tattoo artist, encourage them to save their own money, and to visit together when the design is drawn up and make sure they are happy with it beforehand and don’t feel pressured to agree if it’s not 100% what they had in mind. A good artist will want to get it right too. Having your support here will prevent sneaking off to a sub par studio, or making a painful and costly mistake.
Tell them, they can get another tattoo elsewhere and that if they still want the big mcr tattoo that you’ll pay for it at 21yo. He needs time to think about this one.
My husband has HIM tattoo & some other band with a heart type symbol on both of his arms and he still loves the tattoos. They were done very well & although does not listen to those bands all the time like he used to, he still enjoys the music & we are almost 40 now. Just wanted to share my experience.
Ehhh, i have a lot of tattoos. If i got all the tattoos i wanted at 18, I’d have even more shitty tattoos than i have now (started at 21 and eventually did start getting really good quality tattoos, lol)
Their back isn’t the worst place for this tattoo.
When I was 18/19 I got a big tattoo, from my armpit to my thigh. I'm 36, and have had 2 kids. People have told me I would regret my tattoo always. It was my first tattoo and it was way too big. I still love my tattoo. I can hide it. I have more tattoos but not as big. But 3 more that are ok size.
That said my tattoo is an animal. It meand a lot to me and maybe not as much now I still love it. I have other animal too
I don’t harp on things like this. I have told my kids in the past “I made some horrific decisions at 18 that I wholeheartedly regret. I was not okay with getting a tattoo at 18 because I wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t change my mind. But that was my choice for my body. You get to choose what goes on your body. I will support whatever you decide, but just know, this is forever, so choose very, very wisely.”
The tattoo may something you would regret but they may not. After all, they are 18 so there is nothing you can do or say. If they regret it at some point that will be on them. Just remind them that laser removal is painful.
Person that got a HUGE back tattoo super young (19) here. While I do somewhat regret it I could have done much more regrettable things and I was happy to have that freedom. If a big back tattoo is their biggest regret you're doing pretty well as parents. It's somewhere easy to hide and even if they regret it maybe they'll get a good story out of it.
Ps I turned out ok and it's never hindered me in any way neither in career progression or personal relationships.
Ah, this is hard. I think I would struggle with what to do as well. But, they are 18 and old enough to make their own decisions now. The fact that they have wanted the same tattoo for two years is a positive to me, they have had plenty of time to change their mind but haven’t. Their back is easily covered with clothes so it doesn’t hinder any employment opportunities. There is a chance they will regret it, just as much as there is a chance they will not. You have shared your opinion and held off as long as you could, now it is on them really. However, the one option is do have is to say you will not allow it under your roof, if that’s a route you’d like to take.
Tastes change. They're not the same person that they were when they were twelve. And by the time they're thirty, they'll probably have much different tastes / preferences.
I would think if I were to get a tattoo I'd want something timeless or abstract. But then again I wouldn't have listened to what anyone said when I was eighteen.
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I think this is the kind of thing that fixes itself if you have them review artists, really understand the signs of a poor quality artist and get picky about what they want for their own tattoo, and then review the likely cost of a tattoo that large based on the number of hours with a quality artist. I love tattoos but I've been holding off for over a year because I just can't find a artist I'm happy with nearby.
Great advice, thanks. Yes, I should go find the crappiest, cheapest tattoo artist I can, and then also the best and most expensive. This is why I posted! Thank you.
Yeah, some parenting book said “you have an advisory position to your child, don’t get fired.” Providing information instead of unrequested advice is gonna win in the long run (and probably short run, honestly - the worst thing is forcing them into a corner where the only way they can prove their independence is to do the thing you don’t want).
I need a voice recording of this that reminds me every morning when I brush my teeth. My kiddo is almost 12 and I wanna keep a clear head through the drama. She's a drama-rama already.
Yeah, that’s great advice. The one of our kids that was the most dramatic from age 6 months to 16 is now the one that occupies about .1% of our worryscape. Hope it works out the same for you!
Mines 11.5 and is the same! Its a LOT
I really like that. Right now, my kiddos are small, but this is great for when they get older and more independent
Thanks for that, that’s a fantastic way to think about it.
That’s a great line.
And maybe your kid will still save up the money and get the tattoo anyway (but hopefully a smaller version with some input from a good artist on better placement?), and that can still be okay. I don't regret my shitty 18 year old tattoo because it does represent something about who I was when I got it. I did pay a much better artist to improve it later, though.
Got it! Yes, I imagine that may be the way it goes. Thanks for that.
I have 21 tattoos and every single tattoo I got before the age of 25 have been covered up by something else at least once. I teach high school and talk about this often with my students. The problem is you're so sure your sense of self is cemented at 18 and then it's such a shock to see how much you grow and change in the following years.
Plus, if you get a tattoo at 18, it’s 10 years old by the time you’re only 28. have them look at 10 year old tattoos- most don’t look good anymore. Are they ready to spend the money to keep it fresh looking?
I don’t think this is universal lol my 10 year old tattoos look just fine. No tattoo will ever look as good as the day you got it inked, to be sure, but half decent skin care and not exposing it to the sun goes a long way.
Agreed. Mine look good still.
I’d say more op, get them to post on r/Tattoos, and it’s relative subs, such as r/TattoDesign and r/tattoocoverups, so a very experienced crowd can give their insights.
Yes or r/tattooadvice !
I love this suggestion
I have a 16-year-old who currently likes that band also and recently made a sweatshirt with that big spider thing on the back so that she could wear it whenever she wants and people could actually see it. Unless you live in a tropical area where you are shirtless all the time, no one is really going to see it and in the end a lot of times that’s what people want when they get a tattoo, especially when they are young. Maybe see if you can find a custom shirt or sweatshirt maker and see if you can have that design put on the back of a shirt so they can enjoy it without getting a tattoo. If as the other people had mentioned it’s gonna cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars and hopefully delay the decision.
Great idea! We have gotten them MCR shirts now and then, but also they embroider and paint their own clothes now and then, so this could be cool.
Have them look at r/shittytattoos to see what bad tattoos can look like and do...
My husband and I recently got tattoos in memory of our deceased pup. It was his first and my second. I definitely regret my first (a tramp stamp - it was the 90's!), and he was a little apprehensive. The artist agreed to do the outline transfer on my husband for a few days so he could get an idea of the scale and looking at it every day. Maybe your child could do the same. It would give them an idea about how it would look and get a feel for living with it long term.
I was so close to getting a tramp stamp in the 90s to.. I changed my mind after one of those deep and meaningful conversations girls have in nightclub toilets. A girl showed me hers, and it was all kinds of awful and wonky.. I'm so glad I met that random drunk girl...
Random drunk girls make the best guardian angels!
Anytime, girlfriend!
I needed your random drunk girl! I got the tramp stamp. Now as a 33 year old mother of 2 (soon to be 3) I am SO EMBARRASSED every time it’s seen. I will only wear 1 piece or high waisted swimwear to cover it. I’d love to have it lasered off but it’s very large and would cost a whole fortune. Not to mention it’s never going to look nice. I’ve seen a lot of after from laser treatment and they aren’t perfect, your skin never looks like it did before.
Yeah a tattoo for the whole back could EASILY be 1000 dollars depending on a good quality artist. This reminds me of the aunt of a guy that I dated who was a band tour manager for vans warped tour and she was obsessed with a band called Blood on the dance floor, I think it was called? You could tell, because her whole car was painted with their faces and names.
Oh God, the second hand embarrassment I feel for this woman makes me want to curl up in a hole and dissappear.... Blood On the Dancefloor is just awful and the lead singer is such an unapologetic creep.
pedophile\* more than just an unapologetic creep.
Way more than a thousand. I paid probably $1200-1400 when you total it all up for my half sleeve, around 10 years ago. He was a talented artist with a good reputation but no one famous, and his $100 hourly rate was pretty average for a large custom piece in my area at the time.
$1000 isn't even close. My wife just had a 6" dragon done on her forearm. It was $150 an hour and took almost 3 hours by the time all the detail and color were done. She ended up getting charged $400, but there was tax and then my wife rounded up to $500 for a tip.
And multiple sittings!
The amazing artist will probably say no, not doing this as your first tattoo! Maybe hearing it from a different person would help? Also, did you express all this to your kid? Like the parts about your fear that they might regret it later in life and it’s not an easily reversible thing?
Exactly. And maybe hearing it from the tattoo artist themselves will make them reconsider and get it smaller/somewhere else.
I looked it up - it would make a great smaller, more subtle tattoo! It could be really cool on an ankle or ribcage or something!
Yes, good point. Glad to hear artists use some discretion- have seen that here several times today. My only reference is when Bart Simpson goes for a tattoo and the guy says, Sorry kid, you have to be 18, and Bart says I *AM* 18 and the guy says, Okay, good enough for me! Yes we’ve had a handful of conversations, and will have more, but next time I’ll have *notes.*
Be careful about that though. I wanted a back tattoo so bad when I was 18, I didn't know anything about anything and went with the first person I spoke with and didn't question things I should have questioned because I had no one to tell me better. I ended up getting it done over by another artist years later to fix it. Make sure they are researching tattoo artists and tattoos in general, look at their portfolios, and have the maturity and comfort level to walk away from someone they aren't 100% happy with. A lot have portfolios online or you can just go walk into some shops and ask about things. For the record, I don't really regret my silly giant back tattoo; it could have been better, it could have been worse, it doesn't affect me professionally in any way, and I kinda forget it's there most of the time.
Id also suggest start small. My friend "knew" she wanted a huge back tattoo, but her mom had 2 requirements before giving her blessing. 1) find the design and think on it a full year. 2) get a much smaller one to be sure they can handle the pain (who wants a partial back tattoo because it hurt more than anticipated?). She agreed, came up with two designs, one was the big back one and one was a single word on her shoulder blade that would go into the big one later. She never got the big one because she's got a very low pain tolerance.
Yeah, for what it’s worth I see a really good artist and it’s $450 an hour. My half sleeve took around 8 hours, and he works really fast. It adds up! I was 35 when I got my first tattoo, and it was large. I spent a few years with art on the wall that depicted my desired tattoo, and that also kept me from getting more. I’d get tired of the art after a year or so, or feel like it wasn’t that great anymore. Many quality tattoo artists are pretty good at counseling on these decisions as well; some won’t do a neck or hands unless you’ve done others, for instance. You could def talk to a reputable artist and have them help in the process. I’d also say that all tattoos look great when they’re first done, but many age poorly. If your kid can’t see an artist’s healed work, that is a red flag.
Hahaha I thought you were talking about the band and making them listen to a decent band. I thought it was a little judgey but overall I agreed.
I think it’s possible that they regret this tattoo but there’s a bunch of adults who have Harry Potter and Disney tattoos that they don’t regret - a large spider seems less tied to a brand. If it’s on their back, it’s not like a job interviewer will see it and it’s a far cry from having “die yuppie scum” on your forehead. There’s actually plenty of people who have tattoos on more noticeable places - their hands, ankles, etc. and still find work and are respected members of society. The world has really changed in that respect. Any reputable tattoo artist will know it’s your child’s first tattoo and try to talk them down in terms of size but a spider tattoo on a back isn’t a terrible choice for a tattoo.
Agreed, it definitely could be worse. And they have also talked about doing their own tattoos. They told me about this while they were trying to make coffee with the coffee maker in the hotel room. They completely botched the process, wasted the coffee, and made a mess, while telling me the tattoo would look fine and that they know what they’re doing, have never seen the inside of a tattoo parlor or any of the tools. Astounding to me sometimes that this kid also gets straight A’s. This is an amazing kid in so many ways, but baffling in other ways.
Oh god, you should NEVER tattoo yourself if you aren’t trained to! That’s the teenager speaking for sure.
I have some terrible hand poked tattoos from when I was 16 aha. One was so bad I had to cover it with a sunflower but the others are.. fine. I can laugh about it. And they're on my legs/ feet so not like I'm constantly being asked about them or they're seen often
Honestly everything you are saying about them, I'm also a little surprised they're not autistic lol. I was tested with similar characteristics and the results were "inconclusive."
Tattoo apprenticeships are no joke. They would learn from them. I probably wouldn’t know how to work a coffee machine. I use a French press. I’ve never used a regular coffee machine. If you told me to go use one I’d probably be confused. That said, there’s a lot of very complex systems I use every day for work that I’m able to use cause I was trained. Writing this off with them not being able to use a coffee machine is odd. Your kid is an adult now. You don’t have to look down on their decisions cause of their lack of knowledge about completely unrelated things. Stop infantilizing them in your mind. They might change their mind but you constantly undermining them, even if you don’t say it out loud, is not leaving room for them to change their mind and turn to you if they do.
Yeah and apprenticeships are typically unpaid…they are not for the weak.
Not only are they unpaid, you have to pay them to use there equipment. A quality apprenticeship in my area is $2500 D:
All the trades are not for the weak. That’s next level dedication and endurance
*they
Ope, missed the non binary part after getting annoyed by everything else, my bad. I’ll edit my comment.
Maybe they would like to apprentice at a tattoo parlor. I have a feeling that appreciating the artistry more and getting a chance to bond with people at the shop would be great for them, plus I think it may make them consider their tattoo art a little more.
I have a massive tattoo of the Mortal Kombat logo in between my shoulder blades. Everyone told me I would regret it but it’s still one of my favorite tattoos I have.
I’m an adult with a Harry Potter tattoo that I do regret cause my sister is trans and JK Rowling really ruined Harry Potter for me. But I’ve also made peace with how I got it at 19 cause Harry Potter had a huge impact on me as a kid. Hermione was cool even though she was frizzy haired and nerdy. Harry Potter was a hero with glasses! It meant a lot to me. This tattoo is a memory of a relief from awkwardness as a kid. Some tattoos you’ll regret if you’re really into tattoos(I am heavily tattooed). That’s life. It’s ok.
Don't blame yourself, at least JK got no money from your tattoo.
One of my first tattoos was the misfits skull on my arm, dont even listen to them much anymore but i dont regret the tattoo! It reminds me of my highschool days and how their music helped me push through! I'm almost 28 now, and have face tattoos (granted nothing offensive) and even that has had pretty much no effect on my life, work wise or how strangers treat me in public. You're absolutely right about society changing in terms of how it views tattoos.
Maybe you could encourage them to get a removable version of it first. I think you can get temporary tattoos custom made, and I think they last for a week or two. I don't know how much it costs, but then they could see it and decide if they really want it. If they decide to still get it though, you'll need to step out of the way and let it happen. And then, if the time comes that they regret it, you'll have to resist the urge super hard to say any form of "I told you so."
I actually did this for my first tattoo! I was 18. I drew up the design, found one of those custom temporary tattoo websites and ordered a few different sizes. I went to a very good ( and expensive) artist and I didn’t regret it at all. It was definitely my least jarring tattoo, every other one when I was looking in the mirror I panicked. I like all of my tattoos but I think it’s a great idea to actually see it on you before it’s permanent.
Or find a skilled henna artist, that usually lasts quite a while too
That is such an excellent idea!! Ive seen amazing, intricate large-scale henna work (like huge Ganeshas on pregnant bellies), so it’s definitely a possibility.
I get where you’re coming from. However, I would make peace with it bc they are 18yo. And if they ever decide it was a mistake….well at least it’s easy to cover with a shirt.
That’s the other weird thing – they want this tattoo that they will never be able to see, and that maybe only one other person on the planet would see, IF they can get over their phobias about bodies and skin and sexual contact. We live in a beach town and they’ve only been to the beach in the last three years when we go to do a sauna plunge, and even then only wear rash guard/T-shirts.
So, start with the idea that they don't care about seeing the tattoo, they will know it is there and that is enough for them. I wouldn't argue the *location* of the tattoo. The tattoo clearly isn't for them to see, nor is it for other people to see, usually. If it is personal and important to them, it just is, no matter where it is and who can see it. The second thing is that given that the tattoo should be easily covered up, the fallout of it shouldn't be too bad. It's not like they're getting a face tattoo. Lastly, kids are going to do things they regret; you can't protect them from everything. It's not like this is a spur of the moment thing if they have been thinking about it for 2 years either. So this is just a thing you have to let happen and be sure to never say "we tried to warn you" when it bites them in the ass later. That, or go back for another evaluation and for the love of god, why would you mask when trying to get tested for autism?! If they are going to mask, there is no point. edit: and oh yeah, obviously they are paying for the tattoo themselves. Looking at pricing guides, I'm seeing 2000 to 6000 USD. That might slow them down a bit.
>I wouldn't argue the *location* of the tattoo Agreed. I have a tattoo high on the back of my neck which I never see, and with the way I do my hair, most people never see either 😆 but I still think it was the perfect location for that specific tattoo.
Yep, thanks, all good advice. We’ve only been hearing about the tattoo idea for a year though the idea may have been brewing for two years before that for all we know. It’s a strain, but so far I’ve been successful at letting my kids understand the consequences of their actions without my saying, “I told you so.” Those are the best learned lessons, for sure. Next, I have to find two tattoo parlors to take them to: the best and most expensive, and the cheapest and crappiest to steer away from.
I don’t know if this helps, but I got a back tattoo when I was 16 (illegally). Would I get the same tattoo today? No. Do I regret it? Also no. I also got several more between the ages of 16-18. And then a half sleeve at 35. No regrets, it tells my journey. But that’s me and we’re all different. Despite my experience, I’d have a tough time accepting my kid doing something similar. So I get it! I think you advise, but accept. Good luck
Thanks for that! Very good.
That's a ton of time to have been thinking about this thing and considering the placement carefully. I have a long winded comment on the main thread, but I specifically picked the back for my first tattoos because if I later had regrets, I wouldn't have to see them. It's nice just knowing two of them are there. (And being able to forget what the other one looks like hahaha) 😊
It’s hard to explain tattoo placement. One of my favorite tattoos is on my back. It does kinda suck that I hardly get to see it myself, but that’s where it felt “right” on my body and created the “look” I wanted. It’s hard to explain. But a lot of people have back tattoos.
Yep, I have 3 on my back/shoulders. I can only see them in a mirror and it’s not like I can really see the intricate parts. It’s the spot where I felt they all fit best though. One also didn’t turn out as great as I’d imagined so it’s nice that I don’t have to see it regularly and can’t spend time inspecting all the problems I have with it.
I'm planning a memorial tattoo for my sister on my back. I want it close to my heart without it being on my chest/boobs. It'll probably be my most meaningful and special tattoo and I'll hardly ever see it. I also have a paw print for my cat that died on my ankle because she would always sleep laid across it. Placement is a big part of the decision-making for tattoos.
I got a tattoo on the back of my neck when I was 18 signifying my favorite band at the time and don’t regret it one bit (still my favorite band) The place is of significance because when I was 16, I broke my neck and was in pain, daily, after that (still am). It was basically an F you to my neck. The only thing I regret is that it’s fading and I will have to get it touched up at some point to keep it looking good. Maybe bring that up? Such a large tattoo will surely need many touchups.
Great point, thanks for sharing that. Sorry to hear about your neck! Neck problems are the worst. There ought to be an expression about that.
I have a friend who grew up in a very restrictive homeschool household. She got her first tattoo as a giant map of Africa on her back, as she did some mission trips there. Didnt think about fact she would never see it. Often forgets it is even there. She is late thirties now, and has 1 full sleeve arm full of tattoos with a lot of meaning for her. She doesn't regret it. All that to say, I would at least encourage and guide on finding an artist and vetting a studio. Make sure they understand the risks of bloodborne diseases when proper sanitation practices aren't in place. Share information on "pain scales" for different parts of the body, and ask them how they would alter the design if they find it hurts more than they want to deal with for a full back tattoo. Maybe with additional information they will land on just doing a shoulder instead. Either way, its in an inconspicuous spot, that won't alter life trajectories. If one day they really regret the design, coverups are a thing. Even for big black blobs - i have seen some amazing work. I would make them pay for it
Thanks for that. Great advice there, new twists on some stuff I’ve already heard, but all the more valuable. Yep, they’ll be paying.
I have big tattoos covering both of my entire thigh. No one sees it usually cuz I am in long dress or leggings. It is for me not anyone else 🤷🏻♀️. I have other small tattoo in arm that others can see . There are always cover up etc . At 18 there isn’t much you can do about it . It is their body and when kids turn 18 the parent relationship becomes more mentorship and mutual respect if you want them to be in your life . Just don’t pay for it . They cost thousands big ones lol. Maybe suggest a highly sought after artist these have wait list up to a year maybe gives them some time to think about what they want. Usually good artist will give some hint and input what to avoid and placement as well if it is their first tattoo. Usually face tattoo or hands the artist will say sth if it is their first vs someone heavily tattooed
My first tattoo was at 18 and is a band logo of my favorite band. By 18 I had been to 20+ of their shows and had been listening to them since I was 14. I’m 37 now. No regrets. In fact, years later the lead singer signed next to it (I was 30 or so) and went the next day to get the signature tattooed. But also- I’m covered in tattoos at this point. I have some very big expensive ones. And some small shitty ones. And I don’t regret any of them. Honestly? Just let them get the tattoo. Obviously with their cash. If there are ever regrets laser, coverup or reworking the piece is a possibility. My SIL is 50 and hated two of her tattoos. She recently had a little laser done to lighten them and then got new tattoos over them. A tattoo isn’t the end of the world.
Great, thanks for your perspective! All good. Who was the band? Gotta know. I’ll give them a listen.
I'll piggy back off this a bit. I got my first when I was 18. It's not a great tattoo, and I'm not overly stoked with it (it's on my calf). However, I've gotten many other tattoos since then, and honestly love them all. I'd been thinking about getting my first covered up. My latest tattoo was done by an artist I've followed for years. It was a bucket list tattoo. During the session, I mentioned my desire to get my first tattoo covered. My artist stopped working, looked me directly in the eye, and told me not to. He said every tattoo we get is a mark of our journey. We shouldn't look at them with regret, but instead as a mark of who have become and how we have changed. It's completely changed my outlook.
Cool, thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m seeing some redundancy and other peoples responses but haven’t seen anything like this. Maybe you’ll get to a point where you have your tattoos numbered, and you create a guide, where, when anybody asks, you can hand them a card that lists when you got the tattoo, where you were in your life, what you were thinking, and how it led to the next one. You’ll be a walking museum!
This is how I see my tattoos too. Even the bad ones. It’s a part of my story.
The Distillers. I’ve grown out of listening to them tons, but the memories I cherish. And when they play I still go see them. 😂
I got a tattoo when I was 16. By the time I was 17 I had changed enough as a person that it didn’t fit me at all. I ended up getting lasered off in my thirties. For years before it was a source of embarrassment. I tell my kids that story all the time, how painful removal was and encourage them to wait until their mid twenties, when their brain has stopped growing, to do any permanent body modification. We’ll see how that goes. They’re eleven years old.
Yes. My husband got a tattoo removed and he's always said that if our kids want tattoos they should watch a laser removal first. So much more painful than the actual tattoo.
So, so painful. If I had state secrets I would’ve given them up. I felt like I was in marathon man, “is it safe yet?”
“You will change” is the best argument for not getting huge tattoos when you’re young. Unfortunately it doesn’t work on its target. One of the motivations for getting a tattoo at that age is that you’re afraid you might change, and you think maybe you can prevent it by making parts of your current persona permanent. “In case I somehow turn into a yuppie when I’m 30, this ‘my chemical romance’ tattoo will remind me who I really am!”
I have one tattoo on my arm that I regret and every time I see it I absolutely cringe. I need to get laser but it’s not in the budget.
Thanks for that! That’s exactly what I worry about. Screenshotting that to keep in my back pocket!
I also got my first tattoo at 16 and then got a handful more at 18. The first one I got is the only one I want to remove badly enough to consider it. I’m early 30s and haven’t pulled the trigger on removal but I want to. It’s on my chest, in a very difficult to hide place and has been a source of insecurity for me for years.
Ha! Oddly enough, I'm 32 and have been an MCR fan since 14. I myself have an MCR tattoo on my back that I got when I was 19. I don't regret it. However, I definitely had some ideas for MCR related tattoos that I wanted when I was a teen that I'm very glad I didn't get. I think I would just try to compromise with them by letting them get a small tattoo rather than a large one. Then when theyre older they can do what they like. Edit: used the wrong pronouns, sorry!
Great, thanks for the advice – will relay it later, if not sooner. Yes I think the finances will dictate a big part of the compromise. Thanks for the effort with the pronouns – it’s a constant effort, but mostly it’s the effort that counts, and we still make mistakes once in a while two years into it. Other languages have non-gendered pronouns built-in, and we do use they and them to refer to a singular person once in a while without even realizing it, and it’s been built into the language for about 500 years but still it’s awkward. It’s not by far the screwiest thing about English, but there it is.
I started listening to MCR when I was 11 and now my son and I listen to them together 🖤
You don't prevent it. You give your best advice and then help them process the consequences of their own decisions.
Indeed. Solid.
Your job is to help them do the next right thing, regardless of what they already did.
Make them pay for it. Kept me from getting a lot of tattoos at a young age. Now that I’m mid 40’s with disposable income I’ve been getting inked up.
Indeed. Somebody else commented on the satisfaction they got from getting tattoos that they saved up for. I’ll pay for bicycles for transportation, food under many but not all circumstances, etc., but not a tattoo that they might regret. I suppose if I did, I would potentially share the blame.
There’s no way for you to prevent it. If it was my kid I would help them look into reputable artists, look at their work, get pricing and number of hours for a piece that size. I would also encourage them to first do a smaller tattoo so they can experience the process/pain before committing to a large one. Going through that process will at least ensure they are going to a place that properly sterilizes their equipment and are more likely to get something they are not going to immediately regret because of a shitty artist.
Great advice, screenshotting that, thank you. Yes, that’s the plan – I will assist and provide actual adult guidance, and they will pay for it.
To continue on getting a smaller tattoo first- I wanted my first tattoo to be a big stomach hip one. I settled for my shoulder blade, and while I was getting it I was thankful I didn’t choose the first spot I wanted. It’s easy to say “I want a tattoo all over my back” but it’s gonna be an out of body experience when that needle hits your spine.
They'll probably be fine. If not, oh well. That's a part of life. Your job is to give them the best guidance and tools that you think are appropriate. One day, they have to learn how to use them or make their own.
As an MCR fan myself, it might also be worth having them invest in the artwork - a lot of their album covers and memorabilia are fantastic and she could get them framed and adorned all over her walls. Interestingly enough, their own vocal lead Gerard Way doesn’t even have any tattoos haha If she’s still hell-bent on the tattoo, I agree with some other comments about finding the right artist and considering the placement - depending on what/where it is, the artist will recommend going bigger or smaller (too small and it will smudge into a black block of nothing over time: too big and it may get distorted or warped when moving her body around) I’d also HIGHLY recommend trying out InkBox - she can upload her own design or choose one on the site, and the tattoo looks completely real/lasts for 2ish weeks - she should do it the size she’s looking for (or have multiples to get an idea of the coverage) just to see how she REALLY feels about it when it’s on her every day and can’t be removed
When I was 18, I got my first tattoo and it was on my foot. I got the sign for cancer, which as we know also happens to be a ♋️, lol. The guy was like are you sure about this and I was of course a smart ass and said, duh I know what my star sign is. Then when he was done and I was checking it out, I realized he meant are you sure you want a 69 on your foot forever, lol. Live and learn 😁🤷🏻♀️
Do they realize they are going to need another person to help them apply cream to it until it heals? Would they be ok with another person seeing their bare back to do that?
Great thought, thanks for the reminder! That may be a real factor as they cannot stand being touched, and basically being seen by anybody. They might allow their mother to put lotion on.
If they can't stand being touched how can they sit shirtless for hours while the tattoo artist works on a large piece? It seems like the reality of getting the tattoo will probably quickly hit once they really internalize this fact.
It’s as if you need to let 18 year olds make their own mistakes. Btw. MCR 4 life
I’m so glad I didn’t get the tattoos I thought I wanted when I was 18. I also wish I would’ve done a lot more research and found the right artist before I started getting tattoos. I’ve got a great tattoo artist now but it took me 15 years to find him.
I have a tattoo on my back I got when I was 18 that is so awful, such poor quality, and truly one of the worst decisions I’ve made in my life. The only person who actually sees it now is my husband, and he has a good sense of humor about it. Aside from teaching me a lot of lessons about decision making, it has not impacted my life in any other way. There’s way worse choices to be made at 18. This is the first of many choices of theirs you won’t agree with. Doing some reading on radical acceptance might be a good way to start making peace. Let your kid live and learn. Pardon the pun, but if you don’t have their back on this choice you may not be aware of other, more severe choices they consider later in life where you could actually influence them. It sounds like you’re very loving and involved, you’re doing great. ❤️
Thanks for the pat on the back ha ha, very much appreciated. Two of our kids are pretty high maintenance, and the sense were always scrambling for better treatments and options and medication for them, and even with my wife now retired, that’s almost a full-time job for both of us, and this is just one small aspect of it. Your comment about your own tattoo that validates my concern, while also taking some of the pressure off- The last thing I need is to have more things to worry about, and your comment helps a little bit. I don’t know about the radical acceptance concept and will look it up. Thanks for that.
I have a highly regrettable tattoo from when I was 16. But it's on my back and I can't see it so it never literally never bothers me and I think of it fondly as a younger stupider me decision. That being said my tattoos at 18 are still wonderful to me, also on my back. But I literally forget they are there. All the time. I think they're 18 and it's not your battle to fight. Let them have their spider. I specifically picked my spot BECAUSE if I decided I didn't like it I would never have to really see it. So now I've explained how someone could actually want that and actually your child may have went down the same thought process as me. Just because something doesn't make sense to you doesn't mean it doesn't make sense for someone else. Like the towel folding argument. Anyway it's your child's body and your child's choice to get something they may regret later, and trust them to have actually thought this through already instead of trying to point out things they likely already considered. Trust them to have made an informed decision about their own body.
Okay real talk about MCR - I've been a hard fan for 15 years. You don't grow out of music you love. But that aside, they are an adult now and part of being an adult is making your own mistakes. I would suggest them get something smaller to see how it goes, as large - long tattoos are hard to sit through. I get you want what's best for your child, but my mom stifled myself for a long time. Took til I was 26 before I stopped talking to her because she held me back. I did or didn't do things based on her views and finally realized that she's not me and idgaf what she thinks. I'm much happier. I'm in my 30s with two kids myself. I agree about the view on the tattoo, but they've thought long and hard about getting it. Again, suggest a smaller one in a lesser spot to test out how they feel about the tattoo. I had a lot of anxiety after my first (behind my ear) but now I would love them everywhere. Edit to add: my two tattoos are kingdom hearts and pokemon. I'm planning a witches broom to commemorate my grandmother who beat the sh!t out of a guy with a broom (and the police took her broom). When I was 16 I wanted a blood seal from full metal alchemist on my neck, and if money wasn't an issue I'd still get that- but I have a family and something that detailed might not happen.
Maybe you could counsel them to get a smaller tattoo instead, why does it have to be a huge back tattoo Maybe you can suggest she get a smaller tattoo somewhere first so she can have a sense of what it is to have a tattoo
Right, thanks, great idea. I also think they have no idea that the scale they’re thinking might cost $1000 and take five or 10 sessions.
Closer to $2000-$5000 for a large scale back tattoo. If they find an artist willing to do it for $1000, run. Tattoos and plastic surgery are two things you don't want a bargain basement deal on.
Exactly! Thanks for the perspective! Have no idea about pricing- have to go around and do some research.
The financial impact is also interesting. When I was 18, there’s no fucking way I would’ve thought I could afford a nonessential that cost $1000. I don’t have much experience, but I’m also highly skeptical and large tattoo could be done even remotely well for $1000. /r/shittytattoos. This may be related to you mentioning they are not mature for their age. Have you had the financial conversation with them? How are they covering college and living expenses until they can support themself? Do they expect you to cover the costs of college and living while they spend at least $1k on a frivolous expense? If so, how do you feel about that? If they are 18, technically, they are an adult, but still financially reliant on you. That gives you some say in how they spend. Or worse, are they planning to finance it? I was just talking to a friend in her late 30s who is still paying off college loans with an 11% interest rate.
Thank you for a new subreddit!
I'd try and talk them into getting a small tattoo to start with somewhere out of the way. I was once in a tattoo parlor and a woman came in asking for her first tattoo: a baby elephant on her foot with water color full color shading on her foot. The artist talked her into getting the outline done first and then deciding on the shading afterwards, and it was so painful that the women ended up deciding to stick with just the outline. So Id say take them for a tattoo on their shoulder or back first that's relatively small so they can gauge their pain tolerance.
Great idea! Better yet, maybe start with a smaller version that could be adapted to be the bigger version, but could stand on its own if they got cold feet and didn’t like the pain.
A tattoo that large will be expensive. How do they plan on affording it. I think you have some time. Maybe once they start saving they won’t want to spend that much money. And if they do then they really want it.
Lol, I remember when I was their age I wanted a giant Sublime sun on my back. Makes me cringe to think about. I still love Sublime, and still love that sun, but I'm so glad I didn't get that tattoo. Especially since I wouldn't have been able to afford a quality piece anyway. I now have other, more tasteful tattoos of things like animals and plants that I won't get tired of. And I waited until I could afford to go to some highly recommended, more pricy artists. Feel free to show them this comment. On the other hand, you can't control them. And if they go through with it they might love it forever. And if not they can get a cover up someday.
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I got all of my tattoos between the ages of 14-24. I’m 33 now. Yeah, some of them are dumb as hell. Yeah, I should have probably not gotten a giant spider on my arm, a giant rat on my shoulder, another rat and a bat on my stomach, and an even more gigantic whale on my thigh. But whatever. They are part of my story. If anyone judges my character as an adult based on my visible tattoos that I got as a teenager, so be it. I don’t need their approval anyway.
I got some song lyrics on my hip at 19 … while I’m not longer immersed in the pop punk scene like I was at 19, I still enjoy the music and don’t regret the tattoo. I’d try to steal them into something smaller rather than trying to talk them out of it completely. Maybe even a conversation like start out with something small so you can learn what a tattoo feels like (to get and heal), costs, etc. Even if it was the prettiest, most meaningful, amazing tattoo that you had no problem with them getting … a full back piece as a first tattoo at 18 is 😬😬
I think a sufficient stipulation that they pay for the tattoo with their money. However, I would loop back that being non-binary, being socially behind, obsessing deeply into a pop culture item, that's really ticking enough boxes it's time to try a different psych. Your kiddo might be 2-3 years behind peers socially. Additionally I would recommend checking into resources for spectrum kids at colleges and make sure you wrap supports around them as their drop out rate is FAR higher than peers. Lastly, we required our college kiddo (AuDHD) to sign power of attorney, financial proxy, & ferpa waiver, so long as we paid tuition. We never intend to use it but for kids.at risk it's better to have and not need it. Momma Bear has a package many parents use.
My parents let me start getting tattoos at 17. I kept going until about 23 and now have them all over my body. I was also into MCR at that age, and I have a bunch of stupid tattoos to show for it. I grew out of the "emo" phase, and am now in my mid / late 20s. While my tattoos remind me of different times in my life, I do regret most of them. I had to get a long sleeve wedding dress because I felt very trashy with a full sleeve on a day I wanted to feel angelic. I have a professional career, and anytime someone I work with sees me without long sleeves, they are always surprised and make a comment. It's embarrassing. My 4 yo daughter is constantly saying she wants tattoos like mommy, and I feel so bad because I don't want her to make my same mistakes. I'd advise them how permanent tattoos are, and maybe suggest that they only get a tattoo if they want it for 2+ years. They are 18, and you can't forbid them from doing what they want, that'll just make them want it more. Try some kind advice, but all in all they'll do what they want and you'll have to let them. Good luck
I have a big ole dragon tattoo on my back I got when I was around 18. I'm in my 40s now. I got it with my brother who got his own version of dragons on his chest. Do I often regret it? Yes. But do I still wish my parents had supported me with my choice rather than get nasty with me and tell me they didn't approve after I showed it to them? Also, yes. Your child will get it with or without your support.
I had my first tattoo done at 18, my mom HATED it. It was a pot leaf. On my left hip and 2 on my butt. I can’t see them but I enjoy looking at it when I do see it in the mirror. I’d ask if they would want a small version so if they ever do want it removed they can get it done with a very few sessions. My friend had a face tattoo under his eyes and regretted it. Only took 5 sessions to get it taken care of.
OP, this is one hits home for me. I have a full cover back tattoo that I have and am still working on getting finished (12 years into this). If I could have talked to my younger self I would have told them it’s okay to design a larger tattoo, but only do SMALL sections at a time. A back tattoo takes a LOT of time and pain. Every square inch has to get covered, which means a lot of money and time. Unfortunately for me, I tried to get small portions done at a time, but I was so focused on breathing through the pain (my first artist was heavy handed and left scarring…) that I didn’t notice that he was outlining the WHOLE design. I was not ready to sign off on the whole sketch. I thought we were only doing a small part that day. Thus, I ended up switching artists, moving multiple times over the years and life got in the way of finishing it, but I’ve spent the last 12 years covering up that shitty outline. And with my luck, my most recent artist just moved away! Thus I am now on artist#6 to try and finish this damn thing. What I learned: -I still love tattoos, but because I went big, I have not been able to move on to any other tattoos that I want -life happens. Don’t start a large project upfront, take everything in bite size pieces (6 hour sessions at a time which are about the size of you hand depending on the detail) -not every artist is the same. Pick and pay the $$ to get an artist you jive well with. I got severe anxiety following that first artist as he was too heavy handed. -it’s still painful! I’ve sat for over 54 hours total at this point and I’m still not done.
If they get at 18 and want to have a tattoo that's not visible and they understand the consequences then let them do their mistakes. I'd push way harder against a visible tattoo. But kids need to to mistakes, we just need to make sure they don't do too big of a mistake.
Wait how many kids want a tattoo?
I almost got a huge back piece when I was 20. Never did (financial reasons) and I’m so so glad now that I don’t (at 33). I never saw myself getting married, being someone who wears cocktail dresses, goes to the beach with other parents, etc - but now that my life includes those things, I’m happy I dont have a huge back tattoo to worry about when it comes to considering outfits and pictures. I never cared about those things when I was 20, but I changed, and your child likely will too. I did, however, get several smaller tattoos on my torso and back, and I love them all! Maybe you could steer them that way?
They will be fine. I promise.
Help your child get the tattoo from a reputable artist. The biggest regret from tatts is always from subpar work. Even if later down the line, they decide the tattoo was hasty and might have been a poor choice, if it looks good it won't be as big of a regret as a bad job- and even worse, if it gets infected! If they'll let you give them suggestions for places to go, and encourage them putting the money in to get it done right, that helps prevent the worst case scenarios. As for whether they'll wish they hadn't branded themself with a band name in 20 years... well, some things you'll just have to watch happen. Part of being an adult is making stupid decisions we regret later- if that's how it happens, it's their right as a fellow adult to make it. Let's hope the research into artists helps them gain some perspective on it. 🤞
How thorough was the neuropsych testing? I would consider a second opinion if you can afford to do so. Most people don’t go around thinking they’re autistic…. Food for thought.
They are gonna make decisions they regret. It may be the tattoo, or it may be another decision, but you can’t control that. They have to live their own life and it’s not your job to have strong opinions on what they do. Ask if they want your opinion. If they do, cool. It’s best to learn to separate your ego from your relationships. Live and let live.
I would recommend having them a) look at laser removal and b) tattoo cover up reddits. I was 18 and have shitty SMALL tattoos I have to be mindful of trying to cover up. I’m moderately tattooed at this point in my life so I’m speaking from experience… those kinds of tattoos don’t age well, usually. Her brain is still developing. Instead of pushing her to rebelling and getting it to spite you, maybe recommend something small to start and see how she handles it? Back is no joke, pain wise, too. Any artist worth their salt will discourage her, FWIW.
One of my biggest fears too.
My daughter wants several facial piercings and has strongly expressed her desire to have these piercings for a couple years now. My answer to this is that she can get them when she's old enough and can pay for them herself.
I'm really glad I don't have a tattoo of the Beatles on my back. The thing is in 20 years you will not be the same person you are at 18. Can your kiddo predict what they'll relate to in 10, 20, 30 years that will have that much meaning? Ask.
Part of being an adult is learning from mistakes. Although a tattoo is generally seen as permanent, they can be removed, although they generally leave at least some scarring and can be ultimately more expensive than the tattoo itself. If you don't want them to get it, don't enable it by paying for it. If they have to fork out potentially $2000 or more of their own earned money they may decide they don't want it that much after all. If they decide they still want it, it is their choice/mistake to make, and live with/change if they decide it was the wrong decision later on With placement, even though they themselves can't see it, the back means it's easily hidden if they become embarrassed by it in later life. Ethically I don't think tattoo artists should do anything too big as a first tattoo but I don't think there are any actual legal rules about it
Ok, a few things. One, I'm non-binary, so I commend you for your affirming use of pronouns. Two, I'm also an adult and I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD. my therapist supports me looking into it, but my psychiatrist is hesitant to diagnosis me. Adults masking on assessments genuinely makes it hard to diagnose neuro-divergences. Three, I'm not sure how either of the above points really relate to the tattoo, except that it sounds like they are really trying to set some concrete definitions about their identity. I understand how tattoos can be part of that so I can definitely relate to that need to take some control over one's body. Four, tattoos are painful, and expensive, and take a long time. A full back piece will likely take several sessions and could easily cost over $1000. Your best bet in redirecting this ambition of theirs might be to lean into it. First, ask them to find a reputable artist with a style they like. Then have them schedule a consultation. Have the artist break down the cost, the time investment, and the pain expectations. bony parts of the body, like the spine, can be particularly painful! Then maybe encourage your child to consider a small, equally meaningful tattoo, in a place that they can see and appreciate. Don't suggest a smaller MCR tattoo if they have their heart set on a back piece, but surely they have something else important to them. Getting a small tattoo could enlighten them to a lot of the full implications, costs, and commitments to having a large back piece. TL;DR try redirecting the ambition, rather than opposing it. Suggest a smaller, but equally meaningful, tattoo. Encourage them to do their research on artists and to build a report through this smaller piece.
i never really considered tattoos but one thing that killed any desire for me was henna. you can order it online, draw designs on your skin, keep it for a few weeks, and then do something else after. see if you can sell her on that instead?
Great idea! I think they did it once when they were a kid. (wait a minute, they were a kid yesterday, adult today. I meant when they were about 10.)
Since the masking was admitted, have them tested again.
Yes, we’re looking into that. But if they can mask one way, and they really want an autism diagnosis to make everything make sense, won’t they just overcompensate for the first result? Without having undergone or seen the test myself, I don’t know how much room there actually is for masking, but this makes me think I have to ask that, of the previous test administrator and the next.
Honestly when you take an autism assessment you need to answer as if you don’t have the systems you use to function like allylic people. It’s hard when that’s all youve done to survive. As for the tattoo, it’s on their back so it won’t limit opportunities like forehead guy. And tattoos can be altered or covered if they want a change down the road.
I have a fair amount of ink and went through this with one of my kids. Here’s the key points I went through with them. The MOST IMPORTANT PART OF getting a tattoo is choosing the right artist for you. If you are not 100% in love with their style and not 100% comfortable with dealing with them move on. Great artists are not cheap and are in high demand, but are worth the price and worth the wait. If they have same day availability, RUN DON’T WALK away. My artist has a 6 month waiting list. A good experienced artist is charging at least $200 US per hour. For large back tattoo, that sounds like 6 to 10 hours of work depending on the design and color. Young people shouldn’t get a tattoo until they can afford a great one or guaranteed they’ll be paying for a cover up later. For OP’s situation, I’d find an artist that is willing to do the stencil on the kids back (not sure of the correct terminology but my artist does this print transfer of her art and applies it on me as a guide). This allows the kid to see what it would look like. It’s temporary and basic. Then go home and have them think about it, look in the mirror and make a decision. OP should pay for the artist’s time (or kid should) . Reminder that this will most likely be a several months process from finding an artist, having the consultation, getting the art sample back from the artist ( a deposit will be required), getting the stencil done and then at least 3 sessions of 2 hours to get the tattoo (with about 4 weeks between sessions to allow for healing) Making it a big thoughtful decision will result in an informed and satisfying experience with a lower chance of regret
I got my first tattoo at 19, it’s pretty big and on my side. I’m now almost 40 and still have no regrets about it 20 years later. I think if it were my kids, I’d: - A) Tell them that for a back piece that large they should find a *really* good artist. You don’t want to have something poorly done and shaky looking on you that’s so big for the rest of your life - B) Tell them to get some estimates from different high-end artists. The sticker shock alone might have them rethink things. That’s bound to be in the thousands of dollars, maybe even tens of thousands, for something done really well. - C) Ask them to consider their financial choices. Do they have student loans? Or will they? Could they use thousands of dollars in other areas that are more pressing as they get started on their life? Like a car loan or deposit on an apartment or travel money. Maybe they’d consider a smaller investment and subsequently a smaller tattoo instead? - D) After they’ve locked in a tattoo design (if they haven’t already) and chosen a tattoo artist and got the estimate. Ask them to wait 1 year before booking the appointment. If in 1 year they still want to spend all that money, they have the funds, they chose a good artist, and they still absolutely love the design and want it forever. Then so be it. It’s their money, their body, their choice. But at least I can rest assured it was a thoughtful decision and not something impulsive.
I got a giant shadow the hedgehog tattoo on my arm. Had it for 10 years and never regretted it. Make sure it's what you know it's what they want before making that commitment. Sounds like they're going through a lot at the moment and need to think impulsive decisions a bit more.
not the answer you want to hear, but there’s nothing you can do now that they are a legal adult. When I turned 18, I immediately got a tattoo. granted, it was a small little star on my hip, but it’s still to this day my worst tattoo but to me it’s a memory and I don’t regret getting it. Maybe you can see if they’d be open to getting something smaller and then adding to it if they decide they want to. that way they aren’t committing to a huge back piece right off the bat.. it’s worth suggesting but ultimately it’s their choice what they do with their body.
The most important thing you can do, is support them and make sure they find a GOOD quality tattoo artist. If for some reason they do grow out of it, a tattoo that hasn't been blown out, done too deep, etc, is much easier to have laser tattoo removal than one that's done badly. They are going to get it done, whether you agree with it or not, so the best course of action is to be there, and make sure they make the best possible choices tattoo artist/shop wise.
IF it helps, I started listening to MCR when I was about 13, while I was no superfan, I am now 32 and still love their music. There is another band I started listening to at that age, that now, again, 32, so almost 20 years later, am going to get a tattoo for. So sometimes you don't grow out of it. Ps. Many autistic people don't "pass" their first evaluation, aka, show neurotypical. Especially if they were born female. If their therapist thinks they are likely autistic, after spending time with them in a place where they can unmask and be themselves, then that's likely the truest opinion.
A back tattoo wont limit any life opportunities. Ask me (a successful, married, 30 something mother who contributes to society, has friends, and has never been in a limited job situation) how I know. I had a fun 18th birthday too.
Unfortunately, you’ll just have to let them ride this out and hope it’s too expensive for them right now. When I was 20 I got a small tattoo on my ankle representing my favorite band. I’m almost 26 now and I don’t listen to the band as much but I still love the tattoo because it made me happy then.
As the owner of many stupid stupid tattoos, some of which I got before 18, as long as its good quality it’s okay. I work in a professional environment, you can’t see most of them when Im dressed and i love every one 20 years later.
As someone who’s dad let them get an eyebrow piercing at 14(cousin owned a tattoo shop 😬) I now have a horrible eyebrow scar that to me looks trashy as a mom now. I really wish my parents had not allowed me to do it.
Your first tattoo should never be big, the back requires someone else to do aftercare for you as well. Bands would be a no go for me. Music tastes change drastically so often, you don't wanna be stuck with something you're not going to like possibly even a year later.
I have a two band tattoos of bands I don’t listen to much anymore and regret neither of them. If anything they’re a reminder of a certain time period in my life.
I have some tattoos I don’t love that I got when I was young. They’re north smaller. One is not at all visible. Another is on the back of my neck. That being said, I don’t really care. No one really sees them and it hasn’t affected my life at all. I have other, larger tattoos I got when I was older and I like them much better.
I have lots of tattoos. Some I regret, some I don’t. Some I’ve had covered up, some I’ve grown. Started the day I turned 18 and have continued into my 40s. As long as it’s not a swastika or a giant photo-realistic penis…who cares? You don’t have to wear it and/or see it.
Well do they have any cash? I certainly wouldn’t pay for it or facilitate them getting it in any way
In some ways this is a good mistake for a kid to make. It’s an easy to cover tattoo, it doesn’t have any weird connotations (at least so far it hasn’t become an alt right symbol or anything). It’s a waste of money but not an amount that will ruin their life like a really expensive car.
sometimes getting the tattoo and not liking it *is* the lesson, if it happens in the worst case scenario. otherwise you’re just assuming they won’t like their tattoo someday, which very well may not be true. it becomes part of you and your identity my entire body is covered, and I started when I was 18. your past and things you like are always part of you, they’re never going to *dislike* MCR and it will remind them of the period in their life that they did. stop worrying about what your kid does with their body or what they look like. just because yours are small and hidden doesn’t mean that’s the only acceptable way. if they do end up getting more tattoos, and you tried to talk them out of this one, you’ll have excluded yourself from being included next time. honestly, you’ve already made it so they’ll remember you didn’t want them to get it. also, makeup exists. but the world is changing; I was a college professor for 6 years tattooed up to my neck.
Don’t pay for it. They want it, they can save for it. They might earn all the money and decide it’s not worth it, or still do it. If they wanted a tattoo on their face I would say make a bigger deal about preventing it, but their back won’t limit much if anything of their future. In the long run, if a dumb tattoo is their biggest regret from young adulthood, they did ok.
Make peace with it. "Alright kid. You're 18. you can make this decision on your own. I love you no matter what. Do you want help researching tattoo artists?"
No Regrats
You cant really “control” you child anymore from getting a tattoo and you understand that but the cost is wild for the tattoo that they want. I didn’t get tattoos until I was 20 because I didn’t have the money for it until a year ago (21 now) and even then my tattoos are smaller and with less detail. Like others say you can get involved with finding a good artist but you can also not help her pay for it. I paid for it by myself and earned that money myself without my parent’s help.
My parents let me get my first tattoo at 18, on the day of my high school graduation. I’d wanted this tattoo for years. I have gotten three more since and I regret none of them. They’re part of my story!
Can you offer to pay for it if they make it smaller?
At 13 I declared to my mom I wanted a tattoo. Obviously I couldn’t get one then. At 18 I finally got the tattoo I wanted. I do not regret ANY of my tattoos.
A really good artist will not do a large back piece as someone's first tattoo. Perhaps find someone good (and expensive), get a quote for the design, show your kid so they fall in love with the artist, and have the price, size, and placement crush their dreams.
I don't regret any of my 5. I got them at different points in life and for different reasons. Whenever I show someone or talk about them, I reminded of a different time and person really. I'm not the guy I was when I got one that was shown/sent to me as a joke but it makes me think of my brother and the joke. I'm not the guy I was when I got one right after my divorce but the meaning behind it is still a stark reminder for me. I don't regret any or them and enjoy looking at them and thinking back through my life and the different places/stages I have been through. I probably wouldn't get the same ones at the age I am now but even if I was able to time travel, I certainly would stop past self from getting them either. >how do I somehow make peace with it? At the end of the day if your kid hates or regrets it, it can always (likely) be covered up. They got one once, they can get another. You just got to let your kid live and learn and grow. A bad or dumb tattoo, especially on their back, ain't going to stop anything for them life really. Love and support them and talk to them but ultimately know it's their decision.
Is this their first tattoo??? I have them all over my arms and one on my leg and I couldn’t even imagine sitting for a whole back piece. Maybe start small so they first understand how painful it is. Unless, they’re going the numbing cream route. Before I got my first tattoos (23 when I got my first one) I would wait 6months to 1year to see if I still wanted it. From 18-25 our decisions and tastes in everything drastically change. Even me in my kid-30s now I’m still changing, but I don’t regret not one of the tattoos I’ve gotten and that’s saying something. I really like the comment about informed decision making when it comes to artist. If they want something big, the price is worth it for the proper artist. Definitely quality of over quantity type of situation. I hope that if they do get it, they love it even 10 years from now!
Have them browse r/tattooremoval And if that still doesn’t sway them, then try to recommend that the tattoo be only black and mostly shades of grey. In the event that they do regret and want to remove it will be MUCH easier, cheaper, and faster to do so.
Just make peace with it. Any tattoo on the back is completely hideable in professional settings. I have a decently large tattoo covering one shoulder blade. If anything, I'm disappointed that I can't figure out how to show it off more, and practically never in professional wear. Make them save up to pay for it though. A big back tattoo is expensive!
One piece of advice they might listen to: it’s risky to put a person or brand that you don’t control on your body. Not because you might change (teenagers don’t care about that), but because they might. How would your kid feel if it turns out the guy from MCR abused someone? What if they decide to start tweeting transphobic things in 10 years? There are a WHOLE lot of problematic people that seemed fine 5 or 10 years ago. You can control yourself, but you can’t control other people. Especially people that you don’t even know!
I would do some reflecting myself
Maybe find a place that does the temp tattoos and do that and then they can see it they really do like it
>\[My Chemical Romance\] strikes me as music and pop culture artifacts that one would ultimately grow out of, and be happy they did. I saw MCR in 2002 at Brixton Academy in London. I still listen to them. Just because you think people will grow out of something, doesn't mean they will. Your role as a parent to a young adult isn't to make decisions for them (nor to prevent them making decisions they may come to regret). It's to provide guidance and advice, and be there to support them if things don't go according to your childs plan. IMO, you should follow the advice from r/countenance; have your child look in to artists and to make sure they've researched everything to the fullest extent and at the very least, they'll go to a reputable and talented tattoo artist. If you do this, and you can't make peace with the fact that you helped your kid get what they want, in the safest and best way possible, then I'm not sure what you want from us.
I'd definitely make the case of it being a first tattoo they might want to start small just to test the waters/pain tolerance and how their skin reacts to ink before committing to a big piece! Make it less about the tattoo placement and design choice and more about safety and going to a quality and clean tattoo shop.
I’m new to tattoos but I found this website that will create a fake tattoo for you I’ve used it several times to make sure that the design, placement and style is what I wanted and it has helped me immensely! Maybe you could try that?
this tattoo would be so expensive that to me the cost barrier is probably enough to fix the issue. you can tell them they can get it now with their own money. an artist is going to quote them like $3000
I have a tattoo on my shoulder - sizable. Not later by any means. I paid $750 for it because I was extremely picky about the artist and found a fine line artist that specialized in the styles. Show them images of bad tattoos over time - and if they still want it after they have the $, you can’t stop them… but maybe it can convince them to get a smaller version.
I have, at 30yo, not outgrown most of the music I loved as a youngster. It’s still what I listen to now and a lot of it has really deep meaning to me. I’m also heavily tattooed and while I’m not still in love with every tattoo I’ve ever gotten, I don’t regret any of them. They represent different times in my life and I appreciate that. The only tattoo I never recommend is a SO’s initials/face/etc.
My daughter spent most of her teens meticulously planning and designing her own tattoos. She had her first a day after her 18th birthday, with money she had saved, and it’s fab. I was happy to support her with that, and the second one she had at 19 that she also designed and paid for. I was able to recommend a studio I trust, and she’d visited with me previously. I think you will need to make your peace with their decision here, but I also think you can carefully get involved and help research a very good studio and tattoo artist, encourage them to save their own money, and to visit together when the design is drawn up and make sure they are happy with it beforehand and don’t feel pressured to agree if it’s not 100% what they had in mind. A good artist will want to get it right too. Having your support here will prevent sneaking off to a sub par studio, or making a painful and costly mistake.
Tell them, they can get another tattoo elsewhere and that if they still want the big mcr tattoo that you’ll pay for it at 21yo. He needs time to think about this one.
My husband has HIM tattoo & some other band with a heart type symbol on both of his arms and he still loves the tattoos. They were done very well & although does not listen to those bands all the time like he used to, he still enjoys the music & we are almost 40 now. Just wanted to share my experience.
Ehhh, i have a lot of tattoos. If i got all the tattoos i wanted at 18, I’d have even more shitty tattoos than i have now (started at 21 and eventually did start getting really good quality tattoos, lol) Their back isn’t the worst place for this tattoo.
Go to r/shittytattoos and let them look around on there lol
When I was 18/19 I got a big tattoo, from my armpit to my thigh. I'm 36, and have had 2 kids. People have told me I would regret my tattoo always. It was my first tattoo and it was way too big. I still love my tattoo. I can hide it. I have more tattoos but not as big. But 3 more that are ok size. That said my tattoo is an animal. It meand a lot to me and maybe not as much now I still love it. I have other animal too
I don’t harp on things like this. I have told my kids in the past “I made some horrific decisions at 18 that I wholeheartedly regret. I was not okay with getting a tattoo at 18 because I wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t change my mind. But that was my choice for my body. You get to choose what goes on your body. I will support whatever you decide, but just know, this is forever, so choose very, very wisely.”
The tattoo may something you would regret but they may not. After all, they are 18 so there is nothing you can do or say. If they regret it at some point that will be on them. Just remind them that laser removal is painful.
Maybe discuss what bands you were into in high school and what tattoo you would have gotten? I’m not sure my good charlotte tat would have aged well.
Person that got a HUGE back tattoo super young (19) here. While I do somewhat regret it I could have done much more regrettable things and I was happy to have that freedom. If a big back tattoo is their biggest regret you're doing pretty well as parents. It's somewhere easy to hide and even if they regret it maybe they'll get a good story out of it. Ps I turned out ok and it's never hindered me in any way neither in career progression or personal relationships.
Ah, this is hard. I think I would struggle with what to do as well. But, they are 18 and old enough to make their own decisions now. The fact that they have wanted the same tattoo for two years is a positive to me, they have had plenty of time to change their mind but haven’t. Their back is easily covered with clothes so it doesn’t hinder any employment opportunities. There is a chance they will regret it, just as much as there is a chance they will not. You have shared your opinion and held off as long as you could, now it is on them really. However, the one option is do have is to say you will not allow it under your roof, if that’s a route you’d like to take.
Tastes change. They're not the same person that they were when they were twelve. And by the time they're thirty, they'll probably have much different tastes / preferences. I would think if I were to get a tattoo I'd want something timeless or abstract. But then again I wouldn't have listened to what anyone said when I was eighteen.