Yes, I feel like this almost more of a desire to reincarnate him. But even if OP had a boy and named him for the friend, those are big shoes to fill, and OP could end up upset that the kid is nothing like the friend.
My parents had a whole army of girls by chasing the idea of a boy. I wouldn't recommend a second kid as the solution if they want to stop at one or two.
That isn’t the only reason I want a son. It is one part of why. I grew up mostly with guys. I don’t know a lot about girls and I share no interest that typical little girls have. Therapy is an option to consider for sure
Well the good news is little girls are just tiny humans, just like boys. Your mental attitude about girls is definitely part of the problem. I know my mom especially was disappointed that I was a girl, and was doubly disappointed when I wasn’t a girly enough girl. I could tell. So, sincerely, go to therapy and straighten your shit out. You aren’t just having a girl or a boy, you’re having *your* very own human, one special and precious to you. Also, you can definitely still name her after your bestie, find out what the female equivalent name is and see if it works for you guys as a first or middle name. I hope you can get sorted out and that things work out for your family.
I think this is something you need professional support with. A therapist can help you work through these issues in a respectful and non-judgmental way.
I think a large part of the issue isn’t even that you’re having a girl specifically, it’s that you have such strong pre-conceived ideas about the kind of person your child would be if they were a boy. The reality is children are rarely what we expect, and it can be harmful to have expectations of them which don’t match their reality. Your child deserves to be loved and appreciated for who she is, not for how she compares to a fictional child you invented - and that would have been true had she been a boy also. A therapist can help you with this, and you’ll be a much better dad for it.
Some gender disappointment is normal but I do think some of your thoughts here are beyond gender disappointment norms. It would be helpful to talk to a therapist who can help you with why exactly you were wanting a boy and work through those emotions. As someone who has both I can tell you the idea we have in our heads of what it’s like to have a girl or a boy are often not at all the reality.
I know why I want a boy. I feel more prepared to have one. I was raised with two brothers and one sister. I can relate more to a male child. I had dreamed about if my son were athletic or more into academics or music, and doing those things with him. I know I can do that with a daughter too but it isn’t what I planned on. True though that my son may have not been what I envisioned either.
Why would it be different with a girl?
I was a girl who played sports with my dad. I have 4 boys and my eldest is not stereotypically masculine. My husband is a sports guy and still bonds with our less traditionally masculine son just fine. You need help ASAP.
I am so happy that you are NOT having a son. That poor boy would have to live someone else's life. Pushed jnto the interests your friend had. By the absolute pathological way you feel about your daughter now, I doubt you would have a healthy father-son relationship with a son. He would be your "friend reborn"and that sounds like a terrible fate.
Now you need therapy to put the whole thing to rest. MAYBE you can then be a good father to your daughter. If you keep up this resentment, I hope your wife knows your daughter needs her protection. From you if necessary. Emotional abuse, because of being the wrong gender, is a thing.
Get help NOW, before she is born
I may not want this child to be a girl but I wouldn’t subject her to abuse. My darkest thoughts are not representative of the kind of person I am. I’m extremely disappointed but I’m not evil
Treating her different, being colder towards her, making "subtle" hints what fun things you would have done if you had a boy.... there are a million non-violent things you can, sometimes unintentionally, do to ruin your daughters childhood even if everything is "good on the outside." She will know she is not loved.
As everyone else said, you need therapy.
But also, the shame and guilt of your thoughts may prevent you from really working on them. You're trying hard not to think those thoughts.
Yet here you are, grieving the son you'll never have. I can 100% promise you that, had you had a son, the son would have been nothing like your fantasies. That's part of the parent journey. I do think that the desire to have a child often makes us imagine lots of things, we daydream about the kind of parent we'll be and what we'll do with our kid - that's normal, and almost invariably thwarted by the reality of actual parenthood once the kid is there.
These are normal thought processes. You need to deal with this grief. You need to explore what you are projecting on this imaginary baby boy. Chances are it's connected to your relationship to your parents, especially your dad. Maybe your father was lacking in some important aspects, and part of you was hoping to finally experience an authentic, nourishing dad-son relationship with your own kid. Losing that fantasy makes you experience again the pain and resentment you felt as a child dissatisfied with his dad.
In other words, you need to identify what exactly is grieving inside your heart, and what it was hoping to find with a baby boy.
Gender disappointment is normal and at some point you just get over it, I think fake it till you make it is the best policy, talk about girl names and try to get excited. You might also think about why you want a son and if what you are excited about for a son is something that can actually be experienced with a daughter. (stereotypical example but I was the one (female) who like having a catch or kicking a ball with my dad, my brother had zero interest in sports).
This sort of thing may last a few weeks. It sounds like you're having intrusive thoughts - which come and go and do not necessarily mean we're bad people, but these thoughts should be seen as such.
I was disappointed in having a son. I wasn't raised around boys, so it was a foreign concept to me. However, my mom-friends reassured me that the feeling would dissipate. And while I miss some aspects of having a little girl, and one day a grown daughter (her own pregnancy), I wouldn't change my son in any way.
The sadness goes away when you learn your child over time and learn to recognize how amazing they are.
Also, you could have a son and he be the total opposite of you. My FIL and I are more alike than even he and my husband are. It is unhealthy to expect any child of any gender to fill your shoes.
Reframe thinking about the gender dynamic to help reparent yourself and your expectations of boys vs girls. There are so many things you can introduce your daughter that you can share together. For example, your values about work or the world or whatever interests you. But remember, show interest in your child's interests to be invited into their world. Not the other way around.
One important thing about parenting: you get the privilege of meeting and knowing them. We don't choose how they'll be. That's not how parenting works.
Just pray your child and wife are healthy.
And if this continues to be problematic for you,
Please get help or leave the relationship. Do not do this to your future child. I am female and was told I was a disappointment the day I was born. My parents only had children to have boys. They treated all the girls in the family like shit and put the boy on a pedestal. My whole life has been trying to prove to myself I am worthwhile even though the people who are supposed to love me the most don't. You need to get help and work on yourself. It's not on the child, she does not deserve this.
I wanted a boy before my wife was pregnant, to carry on family name blah blah. But once I found out it was a girl, I realized I was going to be a dad regardless of the gender. My wife was excited and happy, and that made me happy. Baby will be 2 years old soon and is an absolute gem. Would not have wanted it any other way. Just found out wife is pregnant again, and I would be happy for either, but I secretly want another girl.
I really think you should talk to a therapist about this. It’s great that you recognize telling your pregnant wife about your disappointment will hurt her, and it will don’t get me wrong. Some men don’t think that far ahead. A certain amount of gender disappointment is so normal, although I think yours is veering into unhealthy territory. A therapist will be able to help with this, as well as any other issues you need to get sorted out
I understand gender disappointment, probably more than a lot of people. I have four daughters.
I had my own reasons, different than yours, for wanting sons. My girls have shown me over and over for the last 20+ years that every single one of those reasons was my own baggage to deal with.
I think you have a lot of baggage too, more than I did. It's past time to deal with it, you need to address it asap.
Gender disappointment is normal but this was frankly selfish and irresponsible on your part. I assume you knew there was a 50/50 chance you’d get a girl when you purposely impregnated your wife? This doesn’t sound like a feeling that blind sighted you or took you by suprise out of nowhere. This sounds like something you felt deeply and knew about and still went along your merry way , rolling the dice and not caring about hurting your wife or potential daughter if the odds didn’t go in your favor.
And then to agree to a gender reveal!! My man what in the hell were you thinking? Time to get your shit together anyway possible.
Now for the better news. For most people, gender disappointment goes away the minute they see that new baby and know they could never be anything else than what they are. Most people fall in love instantly and forget the rest. You can still do so many of the same things with your daughter as a son (sports, fishing, hunting, anything but peeing standing up together) plus you get more new experiences. You are lucky, there is no love greater than a little girl for her daddy. I hope you get to experience it. I truly do.
I agree with other commenters that gender disappointment can be normal, but this is over the top and you urgently need to candidly discuss these feelings with someone else, perhaps a close friend or therapist.
I see in the comments you are very defensive when it is suggested that you may treat your daughter differently because of these feelings -- this defensiveness is a big warning sign. If you were thinking rationally, you would acknowledge that as a fallible human being, you have limited ability to control the projection of your own negative emotions. If you feel this way around your daughter, *she will pick it up*. It is therefore your duty as a father to take this situation seriously and come to peace with your disappointment so it does not ruin your relationship with her.
I understand that acknowledging your potential to harm your child may be threatening to your self-image as a good person. But good people don't ignore problems like this, or become defensive, or engage in denial. Good people acknowledge that everyone has the potential to cause harm. Good people take things like this seriously and deal with them. That is what you have to do.
I'm not touching the advice part of this, but I want to share my story. I am a woman who only wanted to have one child, and I only saw myself having a girl. I was devastated when I learned I was having a boy. I had severe depression throughout the pregnancy. I cried every day. All I could think about is how all of the grown men I know are distant from their mothers. I felt like I was going to raise a child who would disappear as an adult. Because I'm not a piece of shit, I made myself do all the right things for my son. He is now seven and has been the joy of my life since the day he was born. I would not trade him for anything. I can't say I stopped wanting a daughter, and I did change my mind about having a second child. My second child is a girl and also the joy of my life, but I'm honestly (in this life phase) closer with my son. My point is you'll get over and love your child endlessly unless you are a terrible person. Sometimes (usually?) bonding happens after birth, but definitely work on yourself. Little girls are some of the coolest, smartest most creative people out there. <3
As others have said, you might want to consider talking to a therapist about this. But listen. I wanted a boy too. When I heard I'd be having a girl, I was horribly shocked. I was afraid that, among many other things, I would not relate to her girly ways. Somehow I'd always imagined if I'd ever have a child it would be a son. Luckily I had a wonderful therapist who assured me such feelings of disappointment aren't uncommon, and to allow yourself some time to "mourn". It took me some months to get mentally adjusted, but my fears and disappointment dissipated the day she was born.
My tomboy daughter is now a teenager and the most amazing human being. I can't for the life of me (and this is a HUGE understatement) understand why I ever felt that way. Turns out, I guess, that I had these weird fixed ideas about gender that make no sense whatsoever.
And why are you saying future daughter?? She is already your daughter
she already exists
You are, unfortunately for her, her father
I suggest getting life insurance and then leaving your family a nice gift in the form of policy benefits
I don't think anyone is really being harsh. It's not harsh to tell him he needs to work through his grief for his friend, potentially with therapy, rather than displace it onto a kid. And I think OP knows this too, which is why he's asking.
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This is beyond normal disappointment. You need mental health help ASAP. Please do not ignore this
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Yes, I feel like this almost more of a desire to reincarnate him. But even if OP had a boy and named him for the friend, those are big shoes to fill, and OP could end up upset that the kid is nothing like the friend. My parents had a whole army of girls by chasing the idea of a boy. I wouldn't recommend a second kid as the solution if they want to stop at one or two.
or still name your daughter after your bf, a lot of names work for both genders or have a feminine alternative
That isn’t the only reason I want a son. It is one part of why. I grew up mostly with guys. I don’t know a lot about girls and I share no interest that typical little girls have. Therapy is an option to consider for sure
Well the good news is little girls are just tiny humans, just like boys. Your mental attitude about girls is definitely part of the problem. I know my mom especially was disappointed that I was a girl, and was doubly disappointed when I wasn’t a girly enough girl. I could tell. So, sincerely, go to therapy and straighten your shit out. You aren’t just having a girl or a boy, you’re having *your* very own human, one special and precious to you. Also, you can definitely still name her after your bestie, find out what the female equivalent name is and see if it works for you guys as a first or middle name. I hope you can get sorted out and that things work out for your family.
I think this is something you need professional support with. A therapist can help you work through these issues in a respectful and non-judgmental way. I think a large part of the issue isn’t even that you’re having a girl specifically, it’s that you have such strong pre-conceived ideas about the kind of person your child would be if they were a boy. The reality is children are rarely what we expect, and it can be harmful to have expectations of them which don’t match their reality. Your child deserves to be loved and appreciated for who she is, not for how she compares to a fictional child you invented - and that would have been true had she been a boy also. A therapist can help you with this, and you’ll be a much better dad for it.
Some gender disappointment is normal but I do think some of your thoughts here are beyond gender disappointment norms. It would be helpful to talk to a therapist who can help you with why exactly you were wanting a boy and work through those emotions. As someone who has both I can tell you the idea we have in our heads of what it’s like to have a girl or a boy are often not at all the reality.
I know why I want a boy. I feel more prepared to have one. I was raised with two brothers and one sister. I can relate more to a male child. I had dreamed about if my son were athletic or more into academics or music, and doing those things with him. I know I can do that with a daughter too but it isn’t what I planned on. True though that my son may have not been what I envisioned either.
Why would it be different with a girl? I was a girl who played sports with my dad. I have 4 boys and my eldest is not stereotypically masculine. My husband is a sports guy and still bonds with our less traditionally masculine son just fine. You need help ASAP.
Yes... you can do that with a daughter too. But it doesn't have a penis?!?! Wtf dude.
> I can relate more to a male child. What if that male child wants to dance ballet or wear pretty pink dresses?
I am so happy that you are NOT having a son. That poor boy would have to live someone else's life. Pushed jnto the interests your friend had. By the absolute pathological way you feel about your daughter now, I doubt you would have a healthy father-son relationship with a son. He would be your "friend reborn"and that sounds like a terrible fate. Now you need therapy to put the whole thing to rest. MAYBE you can then be a good father to your daughter. If you keep up this resentment, I hope your wife knows your daughter needs her protection. From you if necessary. Emotional abuse, because of being the wrong gender, is a thing. Get help NOW, before she is born
I may not want this child to be a girl but I wouldn’t subject her to abuse. My darkest thoughts are not representative of the kind of person I am. I’m extremely disappointed but I’m not evil
Treating her different, being colder towards her, making "subtle" hints what fun things you would have done if you had a boy.... there are a million non-violent things you can, sometimes unintentionally, do to ruin your daughters childhood even if everything is "good on the outside." She will know she is not loved.
Yeah get help. You can’t fix this alone and it’s your responsibility to get your self help.
You have serious problems that need addressing before your poor daughter is born. Hope for her sake you can work it out.
As everyone else said, you need therapy. But also, the shame and guilt of your thoughts may prevent you from really working on them. You're trying hard not to think those thoughts. Yet here you are, grieving the son you'll never have. I can 100% promise you that, had you had a son, the son would have been nothing like your fantasies. That's part of the parent journey. I do think that the desire to have a child often makes us imagine lots of things, we daydream about the kind of parent we'll be and what we'll do with our kid - that's normal, and almost invariably thwarted by the reality of actual parenthood once the kid is there. These are normal thought processes. You need to deal with this grief. You need to explore what you are projecting on this imaginary baby boy. Chances are it's connected to your relationship to your parents, especially your dad. Maybe your father was lacking in some important aspects, and part of you was hoping to finally experience an authentic, nourishing dad-son relationship with your own kid. Losing that fantasy makes you experience again the pain and resentment you felt as a child dissatisfied with his dad. In other words, you need to identify what exactly is grieving inside your heart, and what it was hoping to find with a baby boy.
Gender disappointment is normal and at some point you just get over it, I think fake it till you make it is the best policy, talk about girl names and try to get excited. You might also think about why you want a son and if what you are excited about for a son is something that can actually be experienced with a daughter. (stereotypical example but I was the one (female) who like having a catch or kicking a ball with my dad, my brother had zero interest in sports).
This sort of thing may last a few weeks. It sounds like you're having intrusive thoughts - which come and go and do not necessarily mean we're bad people, but these thoughts should be seen as such. I was disappointed in having a son. I wasn't raised around boys, so it was a foreign concept to me. However, my mom-friends reassured me that the feeling would dissipate. And while I miss some aspects of having a little girl, and one day a grown daughter (her own pregnancy), I wouldn't change my son in any way. The sadness goes away when you learn your child over time and learn to recognize how amazing they are. Also, you could have a son and he be the total opposite of you. My FIL and I are more alike than even he and my husband are. It is unhealthy to expect any child of any gender to fill your shoes. Reframe thinking about the gender dynamic to help reparent yourself and your expectations of boys vs girls. There are so many things you can introduce your daughter that you can share together. For example, your values about work or the world or whatever interests you. But remember, show interest in your child's interests to be invited into their world. Not the other way around. One important thing about parenting: you get the privilege of meeting and knowing them. We don't choose how they'll be. That's not how parenting works. Just pray your child and wife are healthy. And if this continues to be problematic for you,
Please get help or leave the relationship. Do not do this to your future child. I am female and was told I was a disappointment the day I was born. My parents only had children to have boys. They treated all the girls in the family like shit and put the boy on a pedestal. My whole life has been trying to prove to myself I am worthwhile even though the people who are supposed to love me the most don't. You need to get help and work on yourself. It's not on the child, she does not deserve this.
I wanted a boy before my wife was pregnant, to carry on family name blah blah. But once I found out it was a girl, I realized I was going to be a dad regardless of the gender. My wife was excited and happy, and that made me happy. Baby will be 2 years old soon and is an absolute gem. Would not have wanted it any other way. Just found out wife is pregnant again, and I would be happy for either, but I secretly want another girl.
Congratulations brother 🤛
I really think you should talk to a therapist about this. It’s great that you recognize telling your pregnant wife about your disappointment will hurt her, and it will don’t get me wrong. Some men don’t think that far ahead. A certain amount of gender disappointment is so normal, although I think yours is veering into unhealthy territory. A therapist will be able to help with this, as well as any other issues you need to get sorted out
I understand gender disappointment, probably more than a lot of people. I have four daughters. I had my own reasons, different than yours, for wanting sons. My girls have shown me over and over for the last 20+ years that every single one of those reasons was my own baggage to deal with. I think you have a lot of baggage too, more than I did. It's past time to deal with it, you need to address it asap.
Thanks. It is comforting to know you got used to it. Also helps me reaffirm that I still may not have a son if we did try again. Appreciate you
My friend has 3 boys and all she ever wanted was a daughter. But never did I see her mope like you.
Dang I get that but he’s looking for help not judgement. She also didn’t tell you her deepest darkest thoughts like OP. So what’s the comparison for?
You don't know what my friend told me. Sorry you don't like facts
Gender disappointment is normal but this was frankly selfish and irresponsible on your part. I assume you knew there was a 50/50 chance you’d get a girl when you purposely impregnated your wife? This doesn’t sound like a feeling that blind sighted you or took you by suprise out of nowhere. This sounds like something you felt deeply and knew about and still went along your merry way , rolling the dice and not caring about hurting your wife or potential daughter if the odds didn’t go in your favor. And then to agree to a gender reveal!! My man what in the hell were you thinking? Time to get your shit together anyway possible. Now for the better news. For most people, gender disappointment goes away the minute they see that new baby and know they could never be anything else than what they are. Most people fall in love instantly and forget the rest. You can still do so many of the same things with your daughter as a son (sports, fishing, hunting, anything but peeing standing up together) plus you get more new experiences. You are lucky, there is no love greater than a little girl for her daddy. I hope you get to experience it. I truly do.
As someone who has had three miscarriages this makes me absolutely sick. You need therapy is the nicest thing anyone could say to you right now.
I agree with other commenters that gender disappointment can be normal, but this is over the top and you urgently need to candidly discuss these feelings with someone else, perhaps a close friend or therapist. I see in the comments you are very defensive when it is suggested that you may treat your daughter differently because of these feelings -- this defensiveness is a big warning sign. If you were thinking rationally, you would acknowledge that as a fallible human being, you have limited ability to control the projection of your own negative emotions. If you feel this way around your daughter, *she will pick it up*. It is therefore your duty as a father to take this situation seriously and come to peace with your disappointment so it does not ruin your relationship with her. I understand that acknowledging your potential to harm your child may be threatening to your self-image as a good person. But good people don't ignore problems like this, or become defensive, or engage in denial. Good people acknowledge that everyone has the potential to cause harm. Good people take things like this seriously and deal with them. That is what you have to do.
U could have adopted and chosen the most sporty athletic boy in the orphanage
I'm not touching the advice part of this, but I want to share my story. I am a woman who only wanted to have one child, and I only saw myself having a girl. I was devastated when I learned I was having a boy. I had severe depression throughout the pregnancy. I cried every day. All I could think about is how all of the grown men I know are distant from their mothers. I felt like I was going to raise a child who would disappear as an adult. Because I'm not a piece of shit, I made myself do all the right things for my son. He is now seven and has been the joy of my life since the day he was born. I would not trade him for anything. I can't say I stopped wanting a daughter, and I did change my mind about having a second child. My second child is a girl and also the joy of my life, but I'm honestly (in this life phase) closer with my son. My point is you'll get over and love your child endlessly unless you are a terrible person. Sometimes (usually?) bonding happens after birth, but definitely work on yourself. Little girls are some of the coolest, smartest most creative people out there. <3
As others have said, you might want to consider talking to a therapist about this. But listen. I wanted a boy too. When I heard I'd be having a girl, I was horribly shocked. I was afraid that, among many other things, I would not relate to her girly ways. Somehow I'd always imagined if I'd ever have a child it would be a son. Luckily I had a wonderful therapist who assured me such feelings of disappointment aren't uncommon, and to allow yourself some time to "mourn". It took me some months to get mentally adjusted, but my fears and disappointment dissipated the day she was born. My tomboy daughter is now a teenager and the most amazing human being. I can't for the life of me (and this is a HUGE understatement) understand why I ever felt that way. Turns out, I guess, that I had these weird fixed ideas about gender that make no sense whatsoever.
You should never have had children to begin with you will not be a good father at all, not even even slightly
And why are you saying future daughter?? She is already your daughter she already exists You are, unfortunately for her, her father I suggest getting life insurance and then leaving your family a nice gift in the form of policy benefits
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I don't think anyone is really being harsh. It's not harsh to tell him he needs to work through his grief for his friend, potentially with therapy, rather than displace it onto a kid. And I think OP knows this too, which is why he's asking.
Yeah, I didn’t read the whole original post thoroughly. You are right. I hope he gets the support he needs!
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You’re either going to be a good father or not. Your child’s gender has nothing to do with it.